#I am the worst person to ever wait for a dm. response. mention on a post. ask. and whatsoever

[escapewriter]

now playing track thirty-three: the 1

synopsis: As far as you know, being one of the very few ‘defective’ people on earth has changed your life and not for the better. After not receiving your soulmate bond on your 10th birthday, you felt hopeless. But there was always one person who showed you all the possibilities that it isn’t so hopeless after all. dedicated to @sunlightwoo

pairing: jeong yunho x reader

genre: soulmate au, best friends!, some parent au fluff in here, slight fluff, angst, humor

wc: 4.4k (4403)

warnings: swearing, small mentions of death, mentions of anxiety, slap in the face golly

hehe funny how we were literally talking about soulmate au’s the other day gina🤔 but surprise! i am your secret santa😁😁 i was so happy i figured out the plot and everything because it went well with everything! i hope you like it, and pls dont yell at me foekdks (also i hope i wasn’t obvious LOL)

a/n: killing two birds with one stone woooo. but happy holidays yall. and this was way longer than i anticipated it to be oops.

send me an ask/dm or fill this out if you would like to be on the taglist

main masterlist || roses and flame

~Year 10~

You have been waiting for this moment ever since you found out from your parents that your soulmate bond would be revealed the moment you turned 10 years old. However, it wasn’t the case with you.

You remember sitting at the dinner table, your parents there with you, as you all began counting down from 11:59pm until it hit midnight. But when midnight came around, nothing happened. You wait nervously at the table as your parents make a few calls, eyeing you to describe your condition and behavior to whoever it was on the phone with them. It was when they came back to sit with you that you knew you were one of the rare ‘defects’ that the universe chose. You don’t exactly recall how you handled the news, but you did remember calling one person who wanted to hear everything.

You were ashamed to talk to Yunho because he too was one of the defects, and you never want to make him feel as if being a defect is the worst thing in the world. But you couldn’t contain your disappointment.

“Hey, hey, listen,” Yunho’s soft voice was heard through the phone, “at least you have the free will to fall in love with someone you like rather than some random person.” You smile to yourself, sighing before flopping onto your bed.

“Did you feel like this when you found out?”

You heard rustling in the background before he cleared his throat to speak. “If I’m going to be honest, I was kind of glad.” There was a pause. You weren’t sure how to react, and it made you uneasy about how quiet he was being.

“You still there?” You heard him say, and you nodded even though he couldn't see you.

“Yeah, I’m here.” There was more noise in the background before the sound of yawning echoed loudly through the speakers. You giggled softly before deciding it was time to end the call due to his drowsiness.

“I’ll see you later so we can hang out for your birthday, okay?” You hum in response before bidding goodnight and hung up.

***

~Year 12~

Sixth grade was one of the worst years at school. It was a common thing for everyone to know what each of the soulmate bonds are because of the fact that it was known as a huge ice breaker when meeting new friends.

What you thought was going to be an accepting group of new students turned into your worst nightmare. Left and right, everyone looked at you as if you were contagious and could take away their bonds. No one wanted to be your friend, so you roamed the halls, ate in classrooms, and studied in the library just to avoid everyone.

You envied everyone who had stories to tell about meeting their soulmate. It was a milestone that everyone accomplished, yet you felt stuck in place, like you’ll never get that.

“Are they outright mean to you?” You shook your head as you took a bite out of your sandwich. It was Saturday, and you were having lunch with Yunho. You both hang out on the weekends, not being able to find time together during school days.

“Does anyone know about you?” You asked him after taking a sip of your drink. He nods, shrugging as if it wasn’t a huge deal.

“No one really cares at my school, they’re more fascinated rather than judgemental.” You nod and wipe your mouth with a napkin. “Not that there’s anything to be fascinated by, but they don’t treat me any different.”

“Ugh, I wish I went to your school.” He smiled to himself and took a bite of his ramen. “Must be easy living life with no weight on your shoulders.”

Finishing up the rest of your food, you didn’t notice his pout as you got up from your seat to throw your trash away.

***

~Year 15~

It was your first year at high school, meaning new people to meet and a fresh start. Luckily, Yunho was also attending the same school as you, so you both had more time to hang out with one another.

The first few months were smooth, no one really cared about your soulmate defect and it helped you relax more. You hung out with Yunho more, made some new friends, and felt welcomed; you were able to enjoy the beginning months of your first year in high school.

It wasn’t until you had a project assigned for one of your classes. You were required to write about your soulmate bond and a bond that you wished you had instead of that.

“What the fuck?” Yunho stared at the paper in his hands, reading the instructions carefully. “Your teacher is making you do this? When you don’t have a bond?”

“I know!” You exclaimed before throwing yourself onto your bed. “And what sucks is that I spoke to them about it, asking if I could possibly write about something else that isn’t related to soulmates,” you sighed, turning over to lay on your stomach and stare at Yunho who sat at your deck, “and guess what they told me.”

He sets the paper down on top of your computer. “Deal with it?”

“Yeah, but if you can think of harsher ways to say ‘deal with it’ then it's that.”

You watched as he grimaced to himself, the thought of actually having a soulmate bond disgusting him internally. But, he was willing to help you out.

“Why don’t we do this, what if for the first part, you talk about the soulmate bond you want.” You nod slowly and begin to sit up on your bed. “Then for the second part, I’ll try to think of something, but in my perspective so you don’t have to stress.”

You were shocked. Yunho had grown to hate the idea of soulmates because of how it was already decided on who our soulmate would be. He believed we should fall who we fall for, and you knew his parents played a big part in his belief.

“You’d do that? Are you sure?” He smiles before standing up from the chair and walking towards where you were sitting on your bed.

He pats your head softly, “For you? Why wouldn’t I?”

That moment of warmth in your chest sparked something, a feeling that could fuck up your entire friendship with Jeong Yunho. But instead of pushing it aside, you decided to fall for whoever you fall for.

***

~Year 17~

“Smile for the camera you two!” You rolled your eyes at your mom who was snapping photos of you and Yunho. “Come on, don’t be like that, smile with Yunho!”

You catch Yunho smirking at you, and you roll your eyes once more before reluctantly smiling. You both were taking photos before attending a school dance, both of your parents wanting to capture the moment.

“Okay, okay, I think you guys got enough. We’re gonna go now.” You laugh at Yunho who began to push his parents away as you were bidding goodbye to yours.

“Stay safe you two!”

***

Upon arriving at the hotel where the dance was held, your nerves began to kick in. Not because of the people, but because Yunho was your date. It wasn’t anything new with him being your date because you both have attended previous dances together. What was new are your feelings now getting involved.

Ever since he helped you with your project freshman year, you saw him differently. He was still your best friend, always has and always will be, but you felt more drawn to him as if something was pulling you towards him.

“You okay?” You hadn’t realized you stopped walking, standing off to the side where the dancefloor was.

“Yeah, sorry I thought I forgot something.” You didn’t make eye contact with him, hoping that he wouldn’t notice the embarrassment on your face.

“Alright, come on. I see some open seats. We can sit there.” You followed his lead to the corner of the room, a circular table with some seats scattered around. He pulls a chair out, signaling you to take a seat before walking around to face you. “I’m gonna get a drink and some snacks, you want anything specific?”

“Just water please.” You yelled over the booming music. He nods and quickly walks to where drinks and food are served.

Taking in your surroundings, you see that a lot of people here are bonded. Some have matching tattoos, others have words written on their arms, and you can easily tell that others are soulmates just by the look of them.

Although you would have wanted a bond, you felt lucky to have known a guy like Yunho. It doesn’t just happen where you meet someone who’s a defect and you just so happened to be a defect as well.

You blame your superstition for convincing you of the possibility that Yunho could be your soulmate. It was impossible. And even if it was, how would he react to the news? Would he be happy? Relieved? Sad or disappointed? You didn’t want to know the answer to any of those questions.

Yunho returned with two water bottles and a plate of snacks. He sets them down in front of you, taking the seat next to you.

You pop a chip into your mouth, humming at the salty taste before looking at Yunho who eyed you suspiciously. “What?” He squints, leaning forward and you lean back, eyebrows shooting up at his behavior. “What’s wrong with you?” You question before flicking his forehead, to which he winces and covers the stinging skin with his hand.

“I’m trying to read you.”

You laugh out loud. “Well stop it, you’re being weird.”

“I’m being weird? You’ve been acting so awkward ever since we took photos.” You purse your lips, choosing your words carefully.

“Just not in the mood for a school dance.” You shrug and reach for your water bottle. He eyes you again, wanting to press into it further but thankfully let it go.

“Alright, I get that. But you owe me one dance, it’s tradition.”

***

The night was soon coming to an end, only a few more songs were left on the playlist. Yunho was roaming around, talking with a few of his friends here and there while you waited at the table, not in the mood to talk to anyone.

You watched him from afar as he was talking with a few of his friends, laughing at something he said. You smiled to yourself, now processing how fond you were of your best friend. You wouldn’t say anything though, too scared to face what could possibly happen.

Haven’t realized he was approaching, you take a sip of your water, looking everywhere but him because you know what was going to happen the moment the next song began to play.

“Come on, you promised a dance and I’m not taking no for an answer.” He held his hand out, smiling down at you. Sighing, you take it as he leads you to the dance floor, silently begging your heart to stop pounding the way it is.

He turns to you, a cheeky grin on his face as he moves your free hand up to rest on his shoulder, his hand then moving to rest against your side. Your other hand was still holding onto his other as he lifted it and began swaying to the music.

He leans forwards, his mouth next to your ear as he whispers. “Isn’t this way better than last year?”

You roll your eyes at the memory, snickering as he laughs softly. “You suddenly break dancing during a slow song was not it, Yunho.”

He grins at you, the mischief in his eyes telling you that's not a good sign. “Bold of you to assume I won’t do it again.”

***

“How was the dance?” Your mom greets you at the door, a sleepy smile on her face.

“It was fun. Why are you awake?” She engulfs you in a welcome back hug, waving outside to Yunho who sat in his car, making sure you got inside safe.

“Just wanted to greet–” You turn to your mom, her expression unreadable as you tilt her head in confusion.

“What’s wrong?” She shakes her head and tells you to wait in the dining room before returning with your dad. They whisper softly to each other as your dad brings his phone out to text someone. The uneasiness settling in. “Can you both tell me what’s going on? I’m freaking out.”

Your parents sat down with a quizzical look in their eyes before speaking. “You have a mark on your wrist.”

You lifted your hand to see what mark they’re talking about before spotting a line. You examined it, laughing to yourself as you thought that maybe Yunho or someone else drew on you during the dance. “It looks like someone drew a line on me with a marker, I don’t think it’s anything serious.”

They sigh, understanding your denial before explaining what that specific mark means. Your mom took your hand with the mark, softly caressing it. “This mark grows the more you fall in love with someone. It’s a rare bond that you don’t see until you fall in love with your soulmate. It’s also probably the reason why we didn’t see anything when you turned 10.”

Everything your mom told you, you couldn’t believe. You didn’t want to believe it because it seemed impossible. You had so many questions, but only one was floating around in your mind. Does this mean that Yunho is your soulmate?

Your dad read your mind. “You fell in love with your soulmate. However, the bond won’t be sealed unless they fall in love with you and the mark appears too.”

“Hold on, does this thing keep growing?” Your mom smiles and looks back at your wrist.

“It's like a permanent bracelet. It wraps around your wrist, and grows the more you fall in love with them until it reaches your heart. But, your soulmate has to reciprocate in order for it to reach your heart.”

You nod your head, smiling to yourself before standing up for your seat. “I’m going to bed, tired from today.”

***

~Year 18~

“How does this look?” Yunho turned to give you a full show of what he was wearing. “Does this scream first date attire?” Without looking up from your phone, you shoot him a thumbs up, to which he throws one of his pillows at you. “You’re not even looking.”

You finally look up, quickly scanning what he’s wearing before nodding in approval. “Looks nice.” He smiles and sits on his bed, grabbing his phone. You tried hard to not ask so you could save yourself from the pain, but curiosity got the best of you. “Who are you going on a date with?”

He doesn’t look up from his phone, typing away at something before his gaze lands on you. “Remember the person who approached me after our graduation ceremony? It’s them.” You raised your eyebrows, nodding.

“So I assume they’re a defect?” He grins this time, looking back at his phone like he was waiting for a text or call.

“Not really. Their soulmate unfortunately passed so they did have a bond.” You tilted your head, thinking that maybe his opinions on the soulmate bond might have changed.

“So you’re saying you're okay with soulmate bonds?” He rolled his eyes, standing up to put his jacket on.

“I was never against them in the first place. I just preferred to do things my way rather than accepting the system where we’re already determined forever with someone we don’t know.”

You pushed further, “So, hypothetically, if one day you find out you do have a soulmate, would you try with them?” You watch as he stands still, face contorted in deep thought.

“Honestly? No, I wouldn’t.” He checks the time on his watch and makes a ‘tsk’ sound. “I gotta go pick them up now.”

You laugh bitterly, “Your date is at 6:30, it’s 5:30 right now.”

He gasps dramatically, placing a hand over his heart, ignoring your bitter tone. “I’m excited and you insult me for being early? Rude.”

***

It was 9 o’clock. You were waiting for Yunho to call after his date ended like he said he would. To say you were nervous was an understatement; you’re fucking heartbroken. You wanted to tell him about your mark the night of the dance when you first found out, but it was him you were in love with, meaning that he is your soulmate. You weren’t ready to lose him over this.

Your phone began to ring, his contact name popping up indicating that he was calling you. Taking a deep breath, you answered on the third ring. “How was your date?”

“Fucking fantastic.” You smiled, heart breaking but containing it because you knew he was happy from tonight. “I just dropped them off and they kissed me!” He laughed out loud and you did too because his laugh was so contagious. “I wasn’t going to make a move because it was the first date and I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable, but they did it. They really did it.”

You cleared your throat, forcing a smile onto your face. “I’m really happy for you Yunho.”

“I’m really happy too.” You heard the engine of the car in the background as he drove back home, continuing to tell you everything that happened that night.

You couldn’t seem to focus on what he was saying, every detail going in one ear and out the other. You didn’t like acting like this because he did nothing wrong, but you couldn’t help it.

“Hey, you still there? Don’t tell me you fell asleep, it's only 9:15!” You fake a yawn, trying to play it off like you were listening.

“Focus on driving.” You said as the engine turned off in the background.

“I’m already home. But give me a second, I want to talk to you about something.” You sat up straighter, a wave of anxiety crashing as you thought about what he wanted to talk about. “You still there?” You hum, waiting for him to continue as he settles back in his home.

“When you came over today to help me figure out what to wear for my date, I saw something on your wrist.”

Your heart dropped. You were caught and you don’t know how you’re going to be able to get out of it.

“I thought it was just a bracelet or something, but it really looked like a tattoo.” He pauses on the other end of the line, your breath hitching in your throat as you wait. “Is it a tattoo? Or is it what I think it is?”

Play dumb.

“What is ‘what I think it is’? Because it could be a really long birthmark.”

You heard his laugh softly before clearing his throat. “You know what I mean. Is it one of those rare soulmate marks where you have to fall in love with your soulmate in order to get it?” Your silence answered his question. There was a sour feeling in his tone when he asked another question. “Who’d you fall in love with?”

You didn’t want to tell him, not like this, not over the phone. So you diverted the question. “How did you know about this specific bond? I didn’t even know about it until my mom saw it.”

He knows what you’re doing but decides to play along. “When my parents told me about soulmates, I wanted to know about every possible bond out there so I did research.” He pauses. “Who’d you fall in love with?”

You again avoid answering. “Is mine the only rare one then?”

“From what I’ve read, yes.” Another pause. “Who’d you fall in love with?”

You slightly scoff to yourself, but he heard you loud and clear. “Why does it matter? It’s not like he’ll love me back.”

To that, he laughs. “Are you kidding? You haven’t even tried to find out. If you don’t want to tell me who yet, then tell me when you found out at least.”

“No, that defeats the purpose.” This time, he’s the one scoffing.

“What’s wrong with telling me? I’m literally your best friend and you won’t tell me.” There was silence. You weren’t sure if you should tell him or not, but it’ll end badly if you don’t tell him anything at all. One thing you do know for sure is that you can’t lie to him.

He beats you and speaks first. “Are you scared I’ll look at you differently?” Feeling nervous, he quickly talks before you again. “I won’t look at you differently. Nothing will change our friendship, You don’t have to be scared to tell–”

“The dance, junior year.” You cut him off. “My mom saw it when I got home from the dance after you dropped me off.” It was silent, so you took the cue to continue. “Believe me, I didn’t know I had a soulmate. And I accepted the fact that I didn't, which is why I was so shocked. I didn’t tell you because, one, I didn’t know how you would react, and two,” you pause, voice stopping you from continuing.

“...Two?” He asks, waiting for you to say it. To confirm it.

“It’s you who I’m in love with.”

***

~Year 21~

You wait in the booth at a cafe, your date waiting in line to order both of your drinks before heading out for your 1 year anniversary.

It was winter session, so no school for a few weeks, which gives you time to relax and finally be able to breathe without homework forcing you to stay awake. You were determined to take advantage of this break, knowing that you’ll be able to spend time with the person you love.

As he waits in line, you look out the window, admiring the small snowflakes falling and all the couples walking hand in hand. Your eyes caught a few of them as you grinned, now feeling the amount of love in the air.

It was a beautiful sight and you couldn’t wait to get out there and experience that feeling yourself.

***

~Year 26~

“Yunho!” You knew he had to be home, his car was in the driveway.

“Yeah babe, I’m here.” You see him emerge from the hallway, a goofy smile on his face. You laugh and quickly take your coat off before engulfing him in a hug. You felt your heart warm up. Your mark reaches where your heart is, creating a beautiful flower, thus solidifying the bond you had with your soulmate, and your best friend.

“What’d you do on your day off?” You ask as he leads you to the kitchen.

He shrugs, eyes avoiding yours. “Oh you know, the usual.” You take a seat at the kitchen island, giggling as he heats up some leftovers.

“You mean to say you played video games all day?”

“Yep, and you can’t blame me.” You grin at him when he turns back to look at you.

“No I really can’t.” You pucker your lips, silent asking for a kiss. He laughs in embarrassment before leaning in to give you a soft kiss.

***

~Year 29~

You purse your lips together in attempts to control the sob trying to escape your mouth. You look down, your eyesight getting more blurry as tears continue to stream down your face.

Yunho, who holds the same expression, holds a smile. He contains his shaky voice, telling you once again that he adores and loves you. How he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. His soulmate.

“What do you say best friend? Will you marry me?”

You look up at the sky, thanking the universe that they brought this man to you. That he was yours and you are his. That even though the hardships, you both were able to get past them together.

“You don’t have to ask me twice.”

***

~Year 32~

“It’s your turn.” You faintly heard Yunho grumble beside you. You mumble incoherently as he shoves you to wake up. “I did it yesterday, baby. It’s your turn.”

You groan, finally forcing yourself to wake up. You glance at the clock on your night stand, checking the time. It was almost 6am. You stood up and stretched your arms quickly before walking over to the crib where your baby boy lay awake.

“Hi there, my love, good morning.” You spoke softly to not startle him or your husband who was lying in bed. “Time for breakfast, huh?”

Reaching inside the crib, you carried him out of the room and into the kitchen to prepare his bottle. “Are you hungry?” You smile at him, poking his belly to which he just stared at you. You frown, but it quickly turned into a grin. “Not a morning person, huh? You’re just like your dad, oh god.”

“He’ll take that as a compliment.” You turn to look at your husband who stretched by the doorframe.

“I thought you were sleeping.” You take the bottle and begin to feed your son as Yunho approaches you, wrapping his arms around you and being careful to not disturb your child.

“I got lonely.” You snort to yourself as he places a soft kiss on your cheek, your heart warming at the affection.

“Of course you did.”

***

~Year 21~

You were too distracted looking out the window of the cafe to notice San had placed your drink on the table. “Ready to go?” He shoots you a soft smile, his hand held out for you to take.

You look back out the window, seeing your once best friend in a shop with the person he fell in love with. The mark that reminded you of the pain that night you told him continuing to grow, wrapping around your wrist, following up your arm, over your shoulder, crossing your back, and around your waist to the front of your chest, just barely reaching your heart. Did his mark ever grow once?

You looked at San, eyes crinkling as you beam at him, excitement crossing your features as you take his hand. It’s better to move on than wallow in pain. “I’m ready.”

[keiyoomi]

❝ the proposal❞

☾pairing: sakusa kiyoomi x reader;

☾genre: fluff

☾word count: 934 words

☾the request: “can i have a fluff scenario/hcs of sakusa proposing to his s/o...” - @akaashit-baeji

☾note: as i’ve mentioned earlier, i have zero self-control when it comes to writing. thank you for sending a request and ending the angst curse for today. i’ll continue breaking your hearts tomorrow. ah! this post contains timeskip spoilers! also this is unedited sooooo. . .

☾currently playing on repeat: ikaw at ako by moira and jason

SAKUSA KIYOOMI usually head to the shower area after every matches. Especially if you’ll be there to watch him. He would never dreamed of infecting you with any kind of virus or bacteria or germs. But something about that match is different. After their rematch with Schweiden Adlers, he immediately made his way towards you, his arms immediately wrapping around your waist. (You were led by Oliver Barnes to the bench after the game ended.) It not that you have any complains really, it just. . .feel odd.

You right hand caressed his curly hair soothingly as you two sway slowly as if you were rocking a baby to sleep. You two were looking at the screen where their scores were displayed when somebody tapped his arm. Sakusa turned to you before whispering, “I’ll be back. Enjoy watching some of our videos while I clean up, okay?”

He placed a light kiss on your forehead before walking away from you. You looked around, completely confused with the current situation. The fans of Adlers and Jackals didn’t even move from their seats even after the game. ‘Unless they’re also waiting for the ads Sakusa have mentioned earlier.’

One of the security guards gave you a foldable black chair, which you gladly accepted. Then, you sat on it while looking around the court. Few moments later, the lights were suddenly switched off, and then a familiar tune began to play in the background.

“Welcome to MSBY’s channel! This is Hinata Shoyo and—”

“—Sakusa Kiyoomi.”

You snickered upon hearing the lifeless response of your boyfriend, contrary to Hinata’s bubbly way of introducing himself. Sakusa was wearing his MSBY face mask, one that was sold out as soon as it hit the market.

“Today we’ll be able to know more about Sakusa-san.” Shoyo threw one of the cards he was holding somewhere in the room earning a glare from Sakusa. It was noticeable how Shoyo winced upon feeling his senpai’s sharp gaze. “Few days ago, there was a poll on twitter. We’ve asked our fans—your fans—for their input. The result of that poll was surprising, at least according to Miya-san.”

“My poll didn’t even reach that number!” You giggled upon hearing Atsumu’s complain. Everyone in that room—the members of MSBY, you guessed—laughed at his complain earning more whines from the blond setter.

“Three-fourths of the total number of those who voted wanted to know more about your love life.” Shoyo looked at Sakusa with hesitation. “Will that be—?”

“Y/N is fine with that.”

Blush crept on your cheeks upon hearing his response. Hearing MSBY’s supporters cheering and whistling makes you feel more shy.

“First question, when did you met L/N-san?”

“During my final game at Spring Tournament. Don’t pretend you don’t know that.”

“I-I’m not pretending or anything, Sakusa-san!” Hinata responded, clearly taken aback with his senpai. You shook your head at his reaction. Of course, Hinata knew how it all happened. He was right there when Sakusa suddenly approached you, leaning too close and squinting his eyes as if he was looking for something from you.

Hinata cleared his throat before reading the next q-card. “Next question—”

“If it’s about our first date, it was in Tokyo. When your team was invited by Nekoma. When and where did she agreed to become my girlfriend, when our team visited yours. Karasuno didn’t even noticed that one of their beloved managers went out.”

“Sakusa-san, when did you realize that she’s the one?”

You waited for his response, but instead of hearing his reply, the music playing in the background played louder than his voice. Then, the lights were switched on.

Your jaw dropped when you saw the members of MSBY holding a letter. Sakusa was kneeling on top of a black yoga mat in front of his team members, hands holding a black velvet box with a shiny ring inside. You read the whole sentence, only to laugh at the words formed.

‘MARRY ME WILL YOU?’

You immediately approached Sakusa, cupping his cheeks before kissing his lips. He hasn’t popped the question yet, but you’re sure as hell with your answer. It doesn’t even matter if Bokuto and Atsumu’s group jumbled the words. What’s more important is you and the man kneeling in front of you.

“Should I still ask you the question?”

With teary eyes you nodded your head while giggling. “Only if you’ll say their question outloud.”

His eyebrows furrowed before looking at he men behind him. You could hear him curse at his teammates, somewhere along the lines of ‘stupid Atsumu.’

He, then, looked up at you. Eyes were begging, probably for you to drop the jumbled words made by his team, and you did.

“Y/N, you’re the most precious person I’ve ever met in my entire life. I am more than willing to tolerate your personality, but I do appreciate it if you’ll minimize your interaction with Atsumu—”

“Kiyoomi!”

“I’m always looking forward for our adventures together and I would never get tired of you and your weird habits. As long as our kids don’t get your worst quirks—”

“Sakusa Kiyoomi!”

He chuckled. “I’m kidding,” he responded before kissing the back of your hand. “Will you allow me to become the happiest man in this place today? To be your lawfully wedded husband and to be the father of your future children?”

You nodded your head, unable to form any words at the moment. He slipped the ring on your finger before scooping you up and twirling you, earning cheers from everyone inside that gym.

☾taglist: @haikyuu-ink ; @kenchiko ; @agaassi ; @benvo ; @sadsugarplumm ; @yams046 ; @ ; tba (send an ask or dm if you’d like to be added/removed!)

p.s. i’ll edit the taglist later.

[sagamemes]

disastrio text starters episode II:  teeth and tomfoolery.   below and under the cut, you can find 75 messages dug up from the pins of the cursed group chat of three international friends, and some select dms. slightly edited for roleplay purposes, with spelling errors opted to keep in tact to maintain the Energy™. edit as you please.  tw: nsfw and kink mentions.

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   when i have nothing to add i just screenshot it sorry

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   [name] i am going to choke you.

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   sorry i laughed too hard and now my mother is yelling

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   it's nearly [zodiac] season, bitches

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   thunder just shook my entire car.   [ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   why must we all pay for florida man's sins.

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   i is business contact

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   only if they mentioned something about te*th

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   i don't watch enough simpsons to know what that means but i love you

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   hey who wants to hear a fun fact about the progression of time

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   as if you could curb your scientific curiosity for long enough to leave the only place on earth where someone might use "hey who wants to hear a fun fact about the progression of time" as a conversation opener

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   "you want to punish yourself by seeking unhealthy relationships."    [ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   also the stars say you may want to have your feet fucked.

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   this is the worst thing i have come across all week

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   maybe it's the preparation for pangea   [ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   which i for one am all for

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   you're kdidng

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   the real magic was the tomfoolery we had along the way?

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   that sounds like a famous last words situation

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   the death of a platform cannot end our tomfoolery

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   i'll die hot   [ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   in every sense of the word

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   there's a "everything is bigger in texas" joke in there somewhere

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   what can i say i love to validate my friends

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   when ur suffering too much from anxiety to fly so u just recreate 179,997,981 B.C.

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   at this point i'm taking no responsibilities you know what you're signing up for when u open this chat

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   valid and good information and all but I fucking refuse to teach my kids how to "hook up so they're not nervous anymore"

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   we need a gang sign

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   i like having the reputation of terror among those who Don't Know Me

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   if the worst thing that people think about me is that i have a [thing] kink then i can live with that

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   teeth r hot what is anyone going to do about it

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   the fact that the conversation just ends there makes it look like you legit hopped on a plane and unhinged your jaw

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   the suns will come for us all

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   my conspiracy theory is strengthening

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   they're telling u to be suspicious of the house plant in case there's a mic in there

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   [name] didn't u hear me the tractor supply is a front for a secret government agency keep up

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   who needs eyes when u got swag

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   not to completely derail the conversation but [person] just said that she believes male nipples should fall off like the umbilical cord at some point and i can't fucking breathe

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   there are only so many contexts for [body part] in a sexual setting

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   WHERE ARE YOUR TEETH IF NOT ATTACHED TO YOUR HEAD

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   the Salmon Instinct(tm) always gets ya

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   i immediately regret typing that

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   ur parents thought gators made a nice backdrop for babymaking

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   i'm surrounded by rats i see

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   p sure the faculty let it go on bc it would work as abstinence fuel

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   i choose ignorance

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   i'm not linking anything google at your own risk

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   just let [name] do the talking, even if it's about teeth

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   john mulaney was right

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   i will relish in your suffering nonetheless

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   i've got therapy at 10, and a tarot reading at 9.

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   me: yeah i consider myself a logical, even overthinking individual   [ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   also me: no wait fuck i'm gonna burn my couch *SLAPS THE FIRE*

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   tonightwith food, i will weep, do not fret

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   cry those shit chemicals out

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   vastly different kids of chaos, urs hurts u, i just had to eat the marshmallows faster to get rid of Bad Taste

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   finland is the florida of europe

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   but more importantly it made my heart hurt

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   all roads lead to [person/public figure]

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   it is Fucking Moist here my mans   [ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   ....humid. the word i was looking for is humid

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   if there ever comes a day when i stop liveblogging my misfortune here, presume me dead

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   that's a whole child

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   i hate them both so [name] just go my wrath in that moment

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   our entire relationship is based on fictional emotional s/m

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   i hope u realise we're gonna kidnap u when u come here right

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   update: 4 am and i'm crying about a fictional bird child

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   can someone please kill the hobgoblin, they keep coming back and i have nothing left to give

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   cursed threeway

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   the minions crucified jesus

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   THE FUCKER STOLE MY TERRIYAKI JERKY

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   "you're a shameless little jerky thief and i hate you" - [name] about the cat, but it's better without context

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   I consider this further proof that Romeo and Juliet ruin everything

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   i have the sense of humour of a 12 year old

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   yeah rodeo girls will do that to u tho

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   [name] has the brain cell and they fell asleep with it

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   i'm never gonna be able to look at rich people furniture without presuming it's a kink thing hiding in plain sight

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   but who am i if not the bitch to say the thing nobody wants to

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   i must've missed deep sea penis

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   IT’S IN MAJOR IT COUNTS AS LIGHT-HEARTED

[ 𝚃𝙴𝚇𝚃 ]   op of this article has a vore kink

[poisonedapples]

Lasting Impressions - Chapter One: Three Hours Before

Summary: Virgil makes a good friend at the weirdest time of day; four in the morning, where everyone and their dog is fast asleep. However, deciding to befriend that person ends up getting him into a lot more trouble than he could ever suspect. His new friend ended up going missing that same night. And Virgil was the last person to see him alive.

Chapter Warnings: Kidnapping, missing people, nightmares and anxiety, mentions of death, mentions of murder (regarding Disney characters), blood, mentions of drunkenness/alcohol, and swearing

Pairings: Familial Royality, platonic Prinxiety that still flirt with each other in this chapter

Word Count: 4,307

Notes: Heed the warnings, as this story (although not mentioned a lot in this chapter) will contain missing people, kidnapping, and its fair share of violence as we go along the story. Always read chapter triggers before you dive in, and if there’s a chapter or scene you can’t read, you can always DM me for a less graphic or trigger free version of it.

It was 3:51 AM when Virgil felt himself jolt awake in a cold sweat.

He frantically turned his bedside table lamp on, ignoring the pain of the blinding light on his adjusting eyes. It wasn’t often he got nightmares anymore, but God when he did, they were horrible. He could always barely remember what it was about; something with not being able to scream and a weird creature chasing him, but nothing more than that. Instead he was left to shake in his bed and attempt to breathe in for four seconds.

In for four...hold for seven- fuck, wait-...four...hold for seven…come on! In for four...sev- Are you fucking kidding me!?

Virgil jumped out of bed, ignoring the weakness in his legs and shakiness of his arms and threw on his hoodie and a pair of jeans. He only bothered with putting on a sports bra, instead of trying to breathe in his binder, then stuffed his phone in his pocket and walked out his bedroom door. He was careful not to slam it to not alert his roommate Elliott, instead quietly scooting himself to the front door of their apartment. Despite his haste, he double checked to make sure he locked the door before going down the apartment steps. Like always, Elliott would be none the wiser.

Virgil walked out to the front of the apartments and took a left down the block. His body was still shaking, but the fresh air always helped.

It’s fine. You’re fine.

...It’s gonna be another one of these days, isn’t it?

Virgil sighed. Anxiety was always the worst. Sometimes, all it took was for you to wake up in a certain mood and hope it was gone by the next day. He’d certainly gotten better over the years when it came to nightmares and having to run away at terrible times in the night, but disorders never completely went away. Not that he’d heard of, at least.

The air had a different feeling to it outside. Fall was cooling the atmosphere and giving Virgil a kind of contentment he could only reach in this time of year. Halloween decorations had filled store shelves before September ended, though none of those stores were open at this time in the early morning. Instead, Virgil walked down the street and occupied himself with looking at street lights and the occasional car passing by.

The very, very occasional car.

Virgil plucked his earbuds out of his hoodie pocket and plugged them into his phone, putting a random playlist on scramble to drown out the eerie silence. Everything was so quiet at this time. Usually in the city, the streets would be so noisy Virgil was more at risk of a sensory overload than being this kind of uneasy. In a way, walking alone in the dark was the worst way to recover from a nightmare, no matter how many times it became his solution. He felt watched.

...Shut up, no, don’t think like that. No panic attacks for you. Not in the middle of the damn street.

Virgil pressed his earbuds deeper into his ears, as if that could muffle his thoughts the same way it damaged his hearing.

At least the air was a nice change of pace. Fresh air always helped him when he felt like he couldn’t breathe, and now the chills in his body could be explained with a different reason. Even if it really wasn’t that cold outside.

Virgil felt the cold bring a sudden wind to the back of his feet. He almost jumped three feet in the air as his mind raced with thoughts of someone’s chasing you, but as he looked around, no one was there. 

He saw something move in the corner of his eye and jumped again. 

Virgil kept deathly still, like any sudden movement would bring this mysterious shadow to kill him. The only thing keeping him sane was the emo music blasting through his earbuds, the rest looking like something out of one of his horror movies.

He saw something in the corner of his eye again, shooting to look at the black blob right next to his foot. He took a sudden, sharp breath to stop himself from screaming such a sketchy time of night and darted his head around to find the source.

Underneath Virgil’s feet was a very offended looking squirrel. Before he could smack himself in the face for being an idiot, the creature scurried away and disappeared in a dark alleyway.

Virgil rubbed at his eyes. Jesus, he thought, I’m really on edge. It’s just a damn squirrel.

Still, Virgil turned around and walked faster until the alleyway was out of his sight. He sighed and attempted to calm himself down a little, but his chest still felt ready to burst from all the fear. He breathed in deeply, then out again.

His hands still shook, but it was okay.

Everything is alright.

He paused his speed walk long enough to continue his breathing patterns. He focused on the feeling of nighttime air instead of the what-ifs. He looked up to gaze at the dim stars, barely visible from so much light pollution, but still a soothing presence. With each time he counted a second of breathing in, he counted another star in the sky. The sight of twinkling lights with a bright moon in the sky was more than calming. It reminded him of the nights he’d spend on his parents roof, looking up and not bothering to think about what was down on Earth.

Up there, everything was quiet. Peaceful. There was no sound or responsibility. No student loans or nightmares, only emptiness with chunks of rock and gas. The chaos was too far away for you to really be bothered with it, you could watch from afar and be completely safe on your own floating rock. Out there, nothing mattered.

Virgil closed his eyes and took a deep breath in. Everything is quiet. Everything would be okay.

The peacefulness was all that really mattered.

“Why hello, handsome!”

“Fuck!”

Virgil’s whole body jolted like an electric shock when an unexpected hand touched his shoulder. He yanked his earbuds out and turned to his attacker with wide eyes, fully ready to fucking slice the dude.

The idiot only smiled and waved. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you so badly! Are you alright?”

Virgil blinked. “Uh, yeah. I’m fine, thanks.”

Before he could put his earbuds back in, the guy put both his hands on Virgil’s biceps and pulled his arms down. Virgil was fully ready to knock his teeth out and make a run for it, but before he could reel his arm back, he noticed blood and scratches all over the guy’s face.

Virgil did a double take at him long enough for the guy to get his damn hands off of him and smile. “I mean more than you being okay after I scared you. You seem to be quite on edge in general.”

Bitch, why do you care? “Well, it’s the asscrack of night, better be safe than sorry if you don’t wanna get murdered.”

He laughed. “Fair point, fair point. And what are you doing out at a time you call ‘the asscrack of night’, as you so elegantly worded it?”

Virgil raised an eyebrow. “How about it’s none of your business?”

The guy put his hand on his chest in feign offense. “So cruel to me! Here I was, trying to be a humble citizen and help you out, and this is the thanks I get?”

He rolled his eyes. “Get used to disappointment. The only reason I didn’t pummel you is because you look like a wreck.”

The guy put a hand to his face. “Is it the blood?”

“It’s definitely the blood.”

“Ugh, I suppose that’s what I get for trying to have a good time so late in the night! I’ll admit, I’m exhausted and also a little buzzed. So maybe trying to befriend a cat at 3 in the morning wasn’t my greatest idea.”

“It looks like that cat wanted to gut you alive.”

“... I’m not the best with animals.”

Virgil couldn’t help but roll his eyes and laugh. Something about a tipsy guy trying to flirt after being attacked by a cat was hilarious. “You sound like an idiot.”

“Just a little bit! But that’s what’s so endearing about me, I like to imagine.”

“You keep imagining then, Princey.”

The guy seemed to freeze in place. “... Princey?”

Virgil’s eyes widened, awkwardly coughing to try and play himself off as collected. Damnit Virgil, play it off! “Well I don’t know your name, and you sound like a spoiled, dramatic prince, so… You’re Princey now.”

The guy chuckled. Nailed it. “I guess that makes sense, I am very dramatic. But that’s just what makes me wonderful.”

“You tell yourself that.”

Virgil started to walk ahead of Princey, only for him to stumble over his feet to keep his pace with Virgil. At least he wasn’t too drunk, and he certainly didn’t seem harmless. Of course, Virgil hadn’t known him that long, but right now he just seemed like a major dork who wanted to talk to someone.

Relatable, honestly.

The guy kept his pace next to Virgil, though staying a reasonable distance away before standing up proudly and smiling again. “Though if you want to know my real name...it’s Roman. Roman Goldsberry.”

Virgil hummed. “S’up Roman. I’m not telling you my name, though.”

Roman gasped. “Why not!?”

“Because I’m not gonna make it that easy for you to find where I live and murder me.”

Roman shrugged and nodded his head. “Okay, fair. I guess.”

“Maybe if I meet you in a less sketchy place, I’ll consider telling you my name.”

“I suppose I’ll have to call you something else until then. Something that suits you.”

“Oh really? What do you think suits me?” Virgil asked.

“Something dark and brooding, maybe with a dash of paranoia. After all, that hoodie you have is quite the emo aesthetic.”

“You picked up my vibes pretty quickly there, damn.”

“I have many talents! Now, as for something to call you…” Roman seemed to think about it for a long time, “...I think I’ll call you Emo Nightmare!”

Virgil reeled. “...Thank you. Best compliment I’ve ever gotten.”

Roman pouted like a toddler who dropped their candy. “Compliment!? Well now I can’t call you that! If you’re going to be so rude to me, then I should be able to be rude back!”

Virgil smirked, “Really now? Go ahead then, make a nickname that offends me.”

Roman seemed to think about it again, “Gerard Wayward?”

“Clever, but I don’t think you know what wayward means.”

“I’m only warming up! How about Brad Pitiful?”

“That one’s just funny.”

“Count Woelaf!”

“My feelings have yet to be hurt.”

“Surly Temple? JD-lightful? Incredible Sulk?”

“Literally where the fuck are you getting these?”

Roman put his hands on his hips. “I’m good at improv! Oh! What about Henry Ravens-brood?”

Virgil put an offended hand to his chest. “Now that one is mean. Congrats Princey, you just offended me.”

Roman clapped his hands together. “Fantastic! I knew I could- wait...you know Phantom Manor?”

Virgil shrugged. “What can I say, I’m a Disney fan.”

“You? A fan of fairytales and magic? I find that hard to believe based on your everything.”

“You barely even know me dude, don’t give yourself so much credit.” Virgil tried not to smile at Roman’s dramaticized offense. “And that’s way too much of an oversimplification for Disney. I mean seriously, Constance Hatchaway fucking murdered ten of her husbands! Who even marries that many people?”

“I’ll have you know that she had five husbands, not ten! Also that hardly counts, it’s a ride all about ghosts! Of course people have to die!”

“Doesn’t mean she had to hack them to death. They could have toned down the axe murdering part.”

“Please, that’s nothing compared to the scene where Mufasa gets trampled. It’s not like you watch the murder happen, you only see it implied with the paintings and when her bouquet turns into an axe on the ride!”

Virgil smirked. “So you admit that Disney can get dark sometimes.”

Roman scoffed, seemingly at a loss of words. “I never said that!”

“You literally just said that Mufasa’s death scene is really dark.”

“It was a necessary part of the plot! Simba would have grown up to be a selfish king who only cared for power if he didn’t have to save everyone from Scar!”

“Doesn’t change the fact that it’s super dark and not just ‘fairytales and magic’, Princey.”

Roman did an overdramatic, offended gasp as his hand went to his chest once again. Is that the only emotion this dude knows? “I can not believe you! Twisting my words in such a fiendish way!”

“Seriously dude, are you a clown or some shit as your day job? Because the way you act is kind of hilarious.”

The offense dropped from Roman’s face almost immediately, replaced with a soft, yet still prideful smile better fit for this time at night. “I’m going to ignore the clown part and say that actually, I’m an actor for the community theater only a couple blocks from here. That usually tends to explain my behavior to people.”

“Sounds about right, yeah. You any good?” Virgil asked.

“I like to imagine so! In three days from now, I’ll be playing the lead of Fiddler on the Roof for our fall musical! I’m usually too busy to make the bigger shows, but I tried my best to find the time this year.” Roman’s proud smile faltered for a moment into something softer, more sad. Like he was suddenly grieving a lost memory. “...Though I might end up having to miss it after all.”

Virgil tilted his head to the side. “Why’s that?”

Roman shrugged, and for a second, Virgil could see past the dramatics and pride. He looked lonely, almost. “Personal stuff. Since you won’t even tell me your name, I believe I’m inclined to keep that information to myself.”

“You always tease people this much?”

Roman chuckled. “Not usually. But I am exhausted, so maybe I’m a little slap happy.”

Virgil pulled out his phone to look at the time. 4:19 AM. Holy shit. “Yeah, no wonder. It’s late as shit, and I gotta wake up at eleven today.”

“I think maybe you should go home then. I would offer to walk you, but considering you won’t say your name, I doubt you’ll let me know your address.”

“You got that right. You should go home too, before someone kidnaps you.”

Roman stopped suddenly, right below a street light. He turned around to face Virgil with such a sad smile, but Virgil couldn’t tell if that was from exhaustion or not. He looked at Virgil so softly for a long moment in a way that made him feel vulnerable. “Perhaps you’re right, but don’t worry your angsty heart about it, I can take care of myself.”

“Yeah, fair.”

“Though, you are making me think, Emo Nightmare.”

Virgil tried his hardest not to blush. “Think about what?”

“Maybe you would like to see the show?” Roman asked, “I won’t be able to participate, but I’d love to hear how it went. And if you like Disney, maybe you can appreciate a classic musical as well.”

Virgil shrugged. “I mean, maybe. What days?”

Roman straightened his maroon polo and brushed nonexistent dirt off one of his sleeves. “If you go to the Sanders Community Theater website, it’ll show you all the details. I would tell you myself, but it’s a lot of information, and I really need to be heading out, sadly.”

Virgil took one last look at Roman. Even with a scratched up face and knuckles, he still looked like the softest person Virgil could ever meet. He was dramatic yet funny, and he didn’t seem to actually want to cause any harm. If anything, he just seemed like a humble idiot who wanted to make a friend late at night. Considering Roman also called him handsome, maybe he wanted a little bit more, but Virgil didn’t really mind. For someone who was tipsy and exhausted at four in the morning, Roman seemed like a good guy.

Maybe he’s not so bad.

“I’ll, uh…” Virgil hesitated, “I’ll be sure to check it out if I can. We all need a break sometimes.”

“We do.” Roman whispered.

“Yeah, so go home and get some sleep. I know you’re tipsy, but don’t get yourself murdered by being out here all night.”

Roman let out a tired sigh, looking behind himself as if to check if he could see his destination from where he stood. “You’re right about that, Jack Skellington. But I have one more pit stop to make, so don’t worry about me. I know what I’m doing.”

“If you say so, I guess.”

Roman turned back to Virgil. “Though, if you’re interested...maybe you and I could swap phone numbers? So you can tell me about the show if you see it, and so our destined crossing on a raven black night doesn’t go to waste?”

Virgil snorted. “Raven black night?”

“I’m tired, shush. Let me be my own type of poetic.”

He rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, I guess.”

Roman took out his phone and pressed a couple buttons before handing it to Virgil. Virgil stared at it before taking it with a smirk. “...Android, huh?”

Roman didn’t just roll his eyes, he rolled his entire head. “Oh, shush and put in the darn number!”

Virgil laughed but did as he was told anyway, putting in his number and saving the contact as Emo Nightmare before handing it back to Roman. 

Roman smiled at the name so fondly Virgil’s heart almost broke. This dude’s gonna be pretty damn disappointed when he finds out my name is fucking Virgil, of all things. “Do you mind if I send you a text to make sure it works?”

“Nope.” Virgil said with a popped p.

Though, instead of sending a random letter or a hello like a normal fucking person, Roman posed under the street light and held his phone up for a selfie. He ran his hands through his hair in a fruitless attempt to fix its messiness but eventually gave up, smiling for the camera and dropping the pose long enough for Virgil to feel his phone buzz in his pocket.

Virgil pulled it out:

Unknown sent a photo

Unknown: Make sure to remember this beautiful face :P

He shook his head with disapproval, but also to hide his smile behind the safety of movement. “Seriously?”

“Don’t you worry Beetlejuice, you’ll get used to it after knowing me for long enough.” Roman tried to flip his hair back, but considering it was way too short to do so, it was a fail. “Though if I don’t respond to any texts you may send these next few days, don’t worry too much about it. I’m going to be awfully busy and won’t have my phone on me.”

“Alright, noted.” Virgil sighed and put his phone in his pocket. “Talk to you later then, Princey?”

“I sure hope so. Though, Brad Pitiful?”

“Pretty sure you already said that one, but yeah?”

“It’s 4:24 AM right now. Don’t forget that number. Considering it’s the time you last saw me, I’m sure it has some kind of luck to it.”

Virgil almost physically facepalmed at that. “You have such an ego.”

“It’s what people love about me!” Roman laughed as he dropped the overexaggerated smile for a second to replace it with seriousness. “Though, I am serious about you seeing the show. I think you’ll enjoy it.”

“Yeah, yeah, I heard you. I’ll look into it at least, promise. Though for now, I’m fucking tired and I gotta go.”

Roman hummed, and without another word, the two turned in opposite directions to head to their next destination. Which for Virgil, was straight to bed until he woke up wondering if all of this was a fever dream. He did hear one last thing be called out to him: “So long, Dark and Stormy Night!”

Virgil didn’t respond, he only waved behind himself and hoped Roman saw it. When he turned the corner and was for sure away from Roman’s sight, he pulled out his phone and went to his contacts.

New contact added: Prince Underarm Stink

Satisfied with himself, Virgil walked the next couple blocks back to his apartment. Once he opened the door, he crashed onto his bed without bothering to change, letting sleep overcome his body as fast as it had woke him up in the first place.

I’ll text him tomorrow morning, he thought, just to test it out. Even if he doesn’t respond.

That was the last thing Virgil thought before he fell right to sleep.

***

It had been three days since the night Virgil met Roman. He’s sent one text every morning since then, but had yet to get a response to any of them. Considering Roman said he would be busy, he wasn’t too worried. If Roman didn’t respond in more than a week, though, he would consider himself ghosted.

Oh well, it was a stretch thinking the cute guy I met at 4 AM would text me back anyway.

On the third morning, Virgil sent a text saying You there yet??? Lol, before packing up his stuff and starting to walk to his classroom campus.

The walk was normal, nothing but other college students bumping into each other on the street and in the hallways until he made it to his classroom, leaning back in his seat and checking his phone.

No text messages, but he did have a couple notifications on Tumblr. Not surprising, but it was still something to occupy himself with.

A few more kids entered the classroom, stopping in the doorway right behind Virgil. “D’you know anything about this?” One of them asked.

“Nope. The guy doesn’t look familiar.” The other said.

“Damn. A ten thousand dollar reward would do wonders for a college loan.”

Virgil slowly lowered his phone back into his pocket at the sound of cash. With this amount of eavesdropping, he felt like a cartoon character with their ear growing five times in size.

“That could pay one year’s worth of a dorm. Ten grand doesn’t do shit for loans anymore.”

“Still dude, that’s ten grand you don’t gotta work for. I wish I had that.”

“Then go looking for information on this guy, I guess.”

The first guy laughed. “Maybe! I hope they find him, though. It’s always sad to hear about missing people. They usually find their bodies, like, a month later.”

“Yeah, well, people are fucked up. Now come on, I need your notes.”

“Again!? Dude, you’re a damn mooch.”

The two voices faded away to Virgil’s left as they walked away. Once the two guys sat down, Virgil turned around to squint at a paper he hadn’t noticed when he first walked in, even getting out of his chair to take a better look.

Though the moment he got closer, Virgil felt his stomach fill with lead.

Missing: Roman Goldsberry. Last seen October 2nd. Virgil stared at it for a suspicious amount of time. His eyes were widened like a bug ready to be squashed, ripping the paper off the wall and taking a closer look. No matter how many times he squished the paper to his face and examined every letter written, the facts were logically unmistakable. This is the guy I met.

The guy I met on October 3rd.

Virgil wanted to vomit. It couldn’t be him. It just couldn’t be. Stuff like this doesn’t just happen, you don’t meet someone only for them to go missing that same fucking day!

Is this why he wasn’t responding to his phone!? Because someone grabbed him off the street and locked him in a truck!? Because he’s somewhere in the middle of the woods, probably being tortured right this second!?

It isn’t him. It can’t be. I’m remembering it wrong. Missing people just freak me out. They’re not. The same. Person.

Virgil felt a lightbulb go off in his head. The photo.

Roman took a photo of himself before they parted ways. He’d even said not to forget his face with that stupid egotistical smile that made Virgil wanna roll his eyes so far they went into the back of his head.

Grabbing his phone was like trying to grab an ice cube off the floor, but Virgil managed it, shakily opening his phone and going into his recent contacts.

Picture, picture, picture...there!

Virgil put his phone and the paper on his desk and compared them. Same hair color. Same hair style. Same smile. Same eyes. The only difference is the clothing.

He didn’t want to believe it. He wanted to pick apart every possible difference in the photos until he somehow managed to convince himself they were different people. But there was no way. Even in his hysteria, there was no way he could ignore that he had seen someone hours before their possible demise.

...He couldn’t stay here listening to a lecture. He didn’t care about his grade tanking because of a zero on attendance, or about the homework he’d miss turning in if he left, he had to do something. He had to help somehow, even if Virgil didn’t know exactly what he was doing.

The professor had just stepped in front of the class and started to speak. Virgil grabbed his bag and didn’t hear a word that was said.

He ran out the door and didn’t come back.

[rp-dreamland]

love rp but have a really messy schedule and in need of someone way too lenient with time?

Then I gotchu. What up, I’m Wells and I’m barely alive these days. RP is stress relief of a sort for me, something to unwind through or pour some restless energy into. Right now, I’m seeking a few long-term partners for email rp.

If you prefer relatively quick replies and/or become anxious/impatient/ irritated with long waits and gaps between them, we may not be too compatible. I’m a full-time student with other things on my plate. I’ve reached up to 2 weeks of inactivity at my worst times. I try to make it up with my response content, though! if you’re willing to put up with my wild ass schedule, you’re a godsend and I’ll cherish the hell outta you. I’m just as willing to do the same (promise, I won’t hold a grudge over a long wait), because I know how much things can get in the way or how those days where you just aren’t feeling up for anything come up. Like you can probably come up to me a month later and I’d probably be up for starting something up again lmao.

I’m always open for OOC talk too! Honestly, don’t ever be hesitant to just chat about whatever, and don’t feel bad hitting me up even if you haven’t responded for awhile. I also draw, so expect sketches and doodles from time to time. In terms of fandoms, I’ve got some that I follow, though if I had to pick the most significant ones it’d be Mr. Robot and BNHA.

In short, if you’d like someone very flexible with time and always willing to play around with ideas, I might be your guy.

8 years of on and off rp experience

I write 3rd person multi-paragraph exclusively. Semi-advanced or advanced lit I think? My replies are typically 300+ words depending on the situation, while my starters are pretty damn lengthy

I *try* to go for a reply frequency of 1-3x a week, though I’m on practically daily during the holidays/summer

I’m able to double or rp multiple characters. I’m pretty good at with NPC’s/side characters to help move things along when it’s convenient, though I do enjoy working with multiple especially if it works well with the plot.

Timezone is EST. I live in the American east coast, but I’m definitely not picky about time zones.

I do email + GoogleDocs, though email is preferred for me since I can work with it on mobile. But I may be persuaded towards Docs if we end up with a something that works better with a collaborative writing/novella style, which I’m curious to try out.

For any romance, I prefer m/m or f/f

Preferences:

For the most part, I’m better off doing original rp. I really really love plotting, character development, and worldbuilding!! Throw me your oc’s and playlists. Hit me up with those AU’s and plots. I particularly like designing societies and imposing norms and rules (hint: they’re usually shitty/bizarre) and seeing how they affect the inhabitants/members. Though I can’t say I’m good at it yet, fictional politics and social issues + how they shape the characters are really fascinating to me. Exploring characters, building relationships, and making them  fight interact is so much fun.

I’ve got an appreciation for anti-heroes, flawed characters, and contrasting personalities/people with different goals being forced to work together!

As far as plotting, I prefer establishing a setting and a plot direction before doing anything. Something based off an existing movie/show/book is pretty fun too (etc. our oc’s taking the roles of the canon characters).

Genres:

Crime

Sci-Fi (space operas are the shit)

Drama

Dystopia

Adventure

Apocalyptic/Post-Apoc

Historical

Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics. I don’t think this is really a genre but? I dig this not so much for the smut aspect (though hey nothing wrong with that,,) but for the worldbuilding. A/B/O stuff is fascinating to me b/c I see a lot to work with~.

Plot Ideas:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ojUVh8Jv-pgqExs1fTUNR3yu8rMsS1Nf4sGemrDuoNc/edit?usp=sharing

Limits and nahs:

*For the most part, I’m not squeamish and have no triggers. Vulgarity and sexual content are fine for me and I’m down with exploring darker themes and harsh realities, especially if they’re being used to explore a character.

Please let me know about your own limits!

I won’t do m/f. I don’t hate it, but I’ve had too many smut seekers blowing up my DM at the slightest mention of tolerance towards it lmao; not to mention it’s typically boring and monotonous in dynamic from most of my experiences.

No RPing as real people (e.g. celebrities, youtubers).

Please don’t hit me up seeking smut. I’m not against it, but I’d rather do that sort of thing on my own terms with someone I know/am comfortable with.

I don’t do pedophilia, bathroom shit, mutilation, mpreg – y’know the like.

Excessive, plain guro violence that’s done purely for the sake of it

I don’t really like 1st person pov.

Partner preferences:

Someone in the 16-21 age range

Someone who is comfortable with m/m, f/f, queerness in general.

Please please please be willing to work with me and throw ideas right back. I’ve been in a lot of rp’s where I’m the main one pushing the plot and providing obstacles and such to spice things up.

Can double/write multiple characters. i’m not talking like an enormous cast, but 2 would be just fine! Not an absolute requirement of course.

Can match my content/writing for the most part? Don’t feel too pressured by length, as the saying goes quality over quantity! I always enjoy reading replies, especially if I’ve been given something to thing about and really work with. 

Has a decent grasp on grammar and punctuation. Ofc we all make mistakes and nobody’s gonna penalize you for using the wrong ‘your’, but ya’ know.

Made this far and are still interested? An introduction and brief rundown of your preferences would be preferred rather than, “i saw your ad let’s rp i only bottom lol”. Plot ideas are even better. You can contact me at righterwells@gmail.com. See ya’ around ✌

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: The Bettman Sentence, Russia's List, and NBA Off-Season Jealousy

Three stars of comedy

The third star: Taylor Crosby. She's a goaltender at St. Cloud State University. You may have also heard of her big brother, but just in case you hadn't, she was nice enough to drop a mention of him into her official bio.

The second star: Justin Williams. As a diehard Leafs fan, I recognize Maple Leaf Gardens on top of that trophy. No idea what that cup-shaped thing behind it is, though.

The first star: Predators fan Andrew Fudge. OK, admittedly this one is only funny if you're not Andrew Fudge. Are you Andrew Fudge? No? OK, keep reading.

Yes, that's a diehard Predators fan who won tickets to a Stanley Cup Final game—and only realized it two months later. You can read the whole heartbreaking story here.

The Nashville Predators, sliding into your DMs like:

(Where Andrew is the linesman.)

Epilogue: This one has a happy ending.

Be It Resolved

This week, Gary Bettman appeared at a panel with the commissioners of the NFL, MLB, and NBA to discuss a variety of issues. As always seems to be the case whenever he gets near a live microphone, he said some things that annoyed hockey fans.

We've covered this sort of thing before, because it happens every few months. But this time, I'm not here to complain. No, this time, I'm bringing a solution. I've figured out one simple trick that will transform any random Gary Bettman soundbite from something that infuriates you into something that makes you nod and go "Yeah, that's fair."

I'm calling it The Bettman Sentence.

Here's all you need to do. Whenever Bettman says something about the state of the game, just recall that he's been NHL commissioner for 24 years and counting. That's already longer than three of the five men who'd held the previous title of President. He's going to pass Frank Calder within a few years. There's a decent change he'll even do what once seemed unthinkable and outlast Clarence Campbell.

Even that might be underselling it. While Calder and Campbell each led the league through tumultuous periods of major change, things just move faster these days. You could make a good case that 24 years in today's hyper-speed world should count for a lot more than 26 years back before most people had a television.

Everything about today's NHL, both good and bad, traces back to Bettman in one way or another. I know it. You know it. Every player, coach, GM, owner, and media member knows it. And it's a pretty safe assumption that Bettman knows it, too.

So whenever you hear Bettman complaining about state of the modern NHL, all you need to do is mentally append one more sentence: "And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that."

That's it. Just imagine that sentence, in Bettman's trademark voice, and everything will be OK again.

Here, let's try it out. Take this quote from earlier this week, which probably had you bouncing your forehead off the nearest desk.

Bettman is basically complaining that the league doesn't get enough media coverage. But that's outrageous, because he's the one who bailed on ESPN and he lets the league be so boring and he's always picking fights with reporters and…

Calm down. Breathe deeply. And then, add the magic sentence.

"Historically, we have been underserved by traditional media. And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that."

That's a perfectly rational thing to say, right? If you heard those words come out of Bettman's mouth, you wouldn't be mad at all. You'd actually think he was being downright perceptive. It's not like we're changing reality around here by making stuff up. Bettman really has been around since 1993. He absolutely knows that he's the most influential person in the modern history of the league, and probably the most influential ever, period. He knows that everything about today's game has his fingerprints all over it.

Would he say that out loud? Probably not. But he's thinking it, or at least he should be. So you should feel free to do him a favor and tack that extra sentence on for him.

Here, let's try another one:

"… and since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that." Boom. Suddenly, a comment that's transparently antagonistic at the worst possible time is transformed into a completely reasonable observation.

So be it resolved: From now on, every Gary Bettman quote where he's complaining about the state of the game gets The Bettman Sentence automatically appended to the end of it. "And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that." Do that, and everything else starts to make a lot more sense. It will probably be good for your blood pressure, too.

Obscure former player of the week

This week, a Russian magazine unveiled its list of the country's 50 best NHL players of all-time. As always with these sort of projects, the end result made for some fun debate. They had Evgeni Malkin as the best ever, but you could make a case for Alexander Ovechkin, Pavel Bure, Sergei Fedorov, Pavel Datsyuk, Alexander Mogilny… the list goes on and on.

This week's obscure player didn't quite make the cut, but he is the subject of one of my favorite draft day stories, and that's worth something. He's defenseman Sergei Bautin.

Bautin was a big blueliner who played a physical style that earned him the nickname Bam Bam. He made his name with Dynamo Moscow, and won gold as part of the Unified Team at the 1992 Olympics alongside Sergei Zubov, Nikolai Khabibulin, Darius Kasparaitis and the subject of this week's YouTube clip.

By the time the 1992 entry draft rolled around, Bautin was 25 years old, but with the NHL opening up to European players and his international experience drawing attention, he had an outside shot at getting drafted. Hey, you could do worse with a late-round flyer, right?

Then the Winnipeg Jets picked him 17th overall.

To give you an idea of how off-the-board the pick was, consider this: Even Bob McKenzie didn't know who Bautin was, sending him into a live-TV scramble to figure out who the Jets had just used their first round pick on. It was a bizarre choice, but you know, that's what happens when your GM is Mike Smith, am I right, folks?

Bautin came over to North America and had a pretty decent rookie season, playing 71 games for Winnipeg and just narrowly missing out on team rookie-of-the-year honors. But he struggled in Year 2, and was traded at the 1994 deadline as part of the deal that saw the Wings and Jets swap goaltenders, flipping Bob Essensa for Tim Chevaldae. Bautin's stint in Detroit didn't go well; he lasted exactly one game before Scotty Bowman and the Wings sent him to the minors for being out of shape, reportedly after discovering he was a two-pack-a-day smoker.

Bautin would sign with San Jose in 1995, but once again played just a single game before the team moved on. From there, it was back to Europe, where he finished off his career, and presumably a few more packs of smokes.

Outrage of the week

The issue: The NBA off-season has been way more fun than the NHL's.

The outrage: [Folds arms and pouts.] It's not fair. Is it justified: It's been a rough summer for hockey fans, especially if you know anyone who's into basketball. It's like being a kid on Christmas morning, and watching your friend tear open a ton of cool presents. Blockbuster trades! Free agency intrigue! Front-office shenanigans! Crazy rumors! Look, he even got a traded first overall pick and a big-money offer sheet. You didn't even know those still existed.

Meanwhile, you're sitting there sadly unwrapping your discount Kevin Shattenkirk signing and trying to get excited about an Artemi Panarin trade. At some point, you just want to give up and trudge on back to bed.

It hasn't been all bad. We did get expansion, and that was kind of fun. And we might still get a Matt Duchene deal, if Joe Sakic's foot ever gets sore from continually kicking that can down the road. But yeah, let's not sugarcoat it: Compared to the NBA, our off-season sucks.

And it's nobody's fault, and there's really nothing we can do about it. This is just how the NHL has evolved in the salary cap era. Most GMs are too timid to make big trades. Offer sheets are mysteriously off the table. Teams go all out to make sure they sign all of their top players to long-term deals at the first opportunity, so nobody good ever gets to free agency. And then everyone bolts for the cottage midway through July.

Every now and then we'll get an exciting day, but that's the exception. It's not good or bad. It just is. We may as well accept it.

And sure, it's hard not to feel a little jealous of that NBA fan passed out from sheer excitement in a sea of wrapping paper and major headlines. And now he even gets to care about exhibition games? How spoiled can one kid be?

Ah well. If you're a hockey fan, this is your fate. We may as well make our peace with it.

(And then wait until the playoffs, when you're tearing into a big helping of "anything can happen" and basketball kid is stuck with "this is all pointless because everyone knows Golden State is winning again.")

Classic YouTube clip breakdown

Last week, we used this space to break down the unparalleled genius of Alexei Kovalev, as he shrugged off a vengeful Mike Keenan and labored through the greatest shift in NHL history. At times, Kovalev was the absolute best.

But other times, well, it's safe to say that the Alexei Kovalev Experience had its share of ups and downs. So today, let's balance out the scales with a look back at one of the downs.

It's April 13, 2004, and Kovalev and the Canadiens are hosting the Bruins in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference quarterfinals. The Bruins are leading the series 2-1, and just scored in the dying seconds of regulation to tie the game. Now we're midway through the second overtime, and it's safe to say that it feels like a must-win for Montreal.

Luckily, Kovalev has the puck in his own zone. I'm sure this will turn out great for Montreal.

Our hero decides to cut along his own blueline, which is a reasonable move given the Bruins forwards are heading off on a line change. But Travis Green reaches out and lightly taps him in the hands on the way by, and tragically this causes Kovalev to immediately die.

Well, OK, not quite die—but it's close enough. Kovalev bails on the play, selling the tap for all its worth in an attempt to draw a penalty. This being playoff overtime, the ref immediately checks to make sure Kovalev's arm is still attached and then puts his whistle away.

Realizing that there's no penalty coming, Kovalev jumps back in the play and delivers a textbook open ice check on the puck carrier. Unfortunately, that puck carrier is teammate Sheldon Souray, and that springs Glenn Murray on a breakaway. Anyone who has every watched hockey knows exactly what's about to happen.

Sure enough, Murray beats Jose Theodore to end the game, and the Bruins pile onto the ice to celebrate.

My favorite part of this clip is the crowd reaction. You can actually isolate the Kubler-Ross five stages of Montreal Canadiens fans watching this play unfold:

1. Ho hum, nothing is happening

2. Oh was kind of a slash

3. Umm guys…

4. UMM GUYS

5. NOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Stage 6, as always, is rioting.)

The celebration pile includes the usual fun sightings. There's Joe Thornton, in the middle of the pointless playoff run that convinced the Bruins they couldn't win with him. There's former Canadian Olympian Rob Zamuner. There's Michael "Father of William and Also That Other One" Nylander.

And there's the Bruins' rookie head coach, who looks vaguely familiar. Yes, it's good old Mike Sullivan, fresh off an impressive 104-point debut. He'd be fired by the end of the following season, and wouldn't get another shot in the NHL until Pittsburgh hired him a decade later, midway through the 2015-16 campaign. Don't tell me how that turns out, I'm going to binge watch the last few seasons over the weekend.

"This is your goal scor-rah…" I love Boston announcers.

We see the Canadiens leaving the ice, and they don't look happy. And they weren't, with Souray and coach Claude Julien both ripping Kovalev after the game for quitting on the play. They're not wrong, but I mean, Souray doesn't look great on this one either, does he? I know he's caught by surprise, but he's standing flat-footed at center ice while a forward breaks out of the zone, and he basically makes the worst possible play with the puck. Are we really going to pretend this is 100 percent Kovalev's fault?

[Thinks about the comedic implications.]

Yeah, this is all Kovalev. Motion carried.

At this point I have to address an issue I'm sure some of you are wondering about: Are we sure Kovalev was really faking here? I know I called it a tap, but Green really does give him a decent hack. Isn't is possible that he's actually hurt, and we're all pointing and laughing at an innocent (and injured) man?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'd like to present Exhibit A, which you may recognize from the case of the murder of the Quebec Nordiques. The prosecution rests.

By the way, that waved-off Sakic goal was so bad that it remains just about the only known instance of the NHL ever coming right out and saying one of its officials screwed up. That play doesn't get anywhere near enough run in the "worst call ever" conversation. Brett Hull and Kerry Fraser and Martin Gelinas were all bad, but none of them ended an entire team.

"Ya gotta suck it up in ovah-time, boys." I really love Boston announcers.

Anyways, the Bruins win to head back home with a 3-1 series lead, the Canadiens are in disarray over Kovalev's boneheaded play, and Boston sportswriters are writing about how this play will live in infamy as the counter to the 1979 too-many-men debacle. Anyone want to guess how the series ends?

Yes, of course, the Canadiens come back to win three straight, and Kovalev had assists on both goals in their 2-0 Game 7 win. As Mike Keenan could tell you, you do not mess with Alexei Kovalev, because he always wins in the end.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com.

DGB Grab Bag: The Bettman Sentence, Russia's List, and NBA Off-Season Jealousy published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: The Bettman Sentence, Russia's List, and NBA Off-Season Jealousy

Three stars of comedy

The third star: Taylor Crosby. She's a goaltender at St. Cloud State University. You may have also heard of her big brother, but just in case you hadn't, she was nice enough to drop a mention of him into her official bio.

The second star: Justin Williams. As a diehard Leafs fan, I recognize Maple Leaf Gardens on top of that trophy. No idea what that cup-shaped thing behind it is, though.

The first star: Predators fan Andrew Fudge. OK, admittedly this one is only funny if you're not Andrew Fudge. Are you Andrew Fudge? No? OK, keep reading.

Yes, that's a diehard Predators fan who won tickets to a Stanley Cup Final game—and only realized it two months later. You can read the whole heartbreaking story here.

The Nashville Predators, sliding into your DMs like:

(Where Andrew is the linesman.)

Epilogue: This one has a happy ending.

Be It Resolved

This week, Gary Bettman appeared at a panel with the commissioners of the NFL, MLB, and NBA to discuss a variety of issues. As always seems to be the case whenever he gets near a live microphone, he said some things that annoyed hockey fans.

We've covered this sort of thing before, because it happens every few months. But this time, I'm not here to complain. No, this time, I'm bringing a solution. I've figured out one simple trick that will transform any random Gary Bettman soundbite from something that infuriates you into something that makes you nod and go "Yeah, that's fair."

I'm calling it The Bettman Sentence.

Here's all you need to do. Whenever Bettman says something about the state of the game, just recall that he's been NHL commissioner for 24 years and counting. That's already longer than three of the five men who'd held the previous title of President. He's going to pass Frank Calder within a few years. There's a decent change he'll even do what once seemed unthinkable and outlast Clarence Campbell.

Even that might be underselling it. While Calder and Campbell each led the league through tumultuous periods of major change, things just move faster these days. You could make a good case that 24 years in today's hyper-speed world should count for a lot more than 26 years back before most people had a television.

Everything about today's NHL, both good and bad, traces back to Bettman in one way or another. I know it. You know it. Every player, coach, GM, owner, and media member knows it. And it's a pretty safe assumption that Bettman knows it, too.

So whenever you hear Bettman complaining about state of the modern NHL, all you need to do is mentally append one more sentence: "And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that."

That's it. Just imagine that sentence, in Bettman's trademark voice, and everything will be OK again.

Here, let's try it out. Take this quote from earlier this week, which probably had you bouncing your forehead off the nearest desk.

Bettman is basically complaining that the league doesn't get enough media coverage. But that's outrageous, because he's the one who bailed on ESPN and he lets the league be so boring and he's always picking fights with reporters and…

Calm down. Breathe deeply. And then, add the magic sentence.

"Historically, we have been underserved by traditional media. And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that."

That's a perfectly rational thing to say, right? If you heard those words come out of Bettman's mouth, you wouldn't be mad at all. You'd actually think he was being downright perceptive. It's not like we're changing reality around here by making stuff up. Bettman really has been around since 1993. He absolutely knows that he's the most influential person in the modern history of the league, and probably the most influential ever, period. He knows that everything about today's game has his fingerprints all over it.

Would he say that out loud? Probably not. But he's thinking it, or at least he should be. So you should feel free to do him a favor and tack that extra sentence on for him.

Here, let's try another one:

"… and since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that." Boom. Suddenly, a comment that's transparently antagonistic at the worst possible time is transformed into a completely reasonable observation.

So be it resolved: From now on, every Gary Bettman quote where he's complaining about the state of the game gets The Bettman Sentence automatically appended to the end of it. "And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that." Do that, and everything else starts to make a lot more sense. It will probably be good for your blood pressure, too.

Obscure former player of the week

This week, a Russian magazine unveiled its list of the country's 50 best NHL players of all-time. As always with these sort of projects, the end result made for some fun debate. They had Evgeni Malkin as the best ever, but you could make a case for Alexander Ovechkin, Pavel Bure, Sergei Fedorov, Pavel Datsyuk, Alexander Mogilny… the list goes on and on.

This week's obscure player didn't quite make the cut, but he is the subject of one of my favorite draft day stories, and that's worth something. He's defenseman Sergei Bautin.

Bautin was a big blueliner who played a physical style that earned him the nickname Bam Bam. He made his name with Dynamo Moscow, and won gold as part of the Unified Team at the 1992 Olympics alongside Sergei Zubov, Nikolai Khabibulin, Darius Kasparaitis and the subject of this week's YouTube clip.

By the time the 1992 entry draft rolled around, Bautin was 25 years old, but with the NHL opening up to European players and his international experience drawing attention, he had an outside shot at getting drafted. Hey, you could do worse with a late-round flyer, right?

Then the Winnipeg Jets picked him 17th overall.

To give you an idea of how off-the-board the pick was, consider this: Even Bob McKenzie didn't know who Bautin was, sending him into a live-TV scramble to figure out who the Jets had just used their first round pick on. It was a bizarre choice, but you know, that's what happens when your GM is Mike Smith, am I right, folks?

Bautin came over to North America and had a pretty decent rookie season, playing 71 games for Winnipeg and just narrowly missing out on team rookie-of-the-year honors. But he struggled in Year 2, and was traded at the 1994 deadline as part of the deal that saw the Wings and Jets swap goaltenders, flipping Bob Essensa for Tim Chevaldae. Bautin's stint in Detroit didn't go well; he lasted exactly one game before Scotty Bowman and the Wings sent him to the minors for being out of shape, reportedly after discovering he was a two-pack-a-day smoker.

Bautin would sign with San Jose in 1995, but once again played just a single game before the team moved on. From there, it was back to Europe, where he finished off his career, and presumably a few more packs of smokes.

Outrage of the week

The issue: The NBA off-season has been way more fun than the NHL's.

The outrage: [Folds arms and pouts.] It's not fair. Is it justified: It's been a rough summer for hockey fans, especially if you know anyone who's into basketball. It's like being a kid on Christmas morning, and watching your friend tear open a ton of cool presents. Blockbuster trades! Free agency intrigue! Front-office shenanigans! Crazy rumors! Look, he even got a traded first overall pick and a big-money offer sheet. You didn't even know those still existed.

Meanwhile, you're sitting there sadly unwrapping your discount Kevin Shattenkirk signing and trying to get excited about an Artemi Panarin trade. At some point, you just want to give up and trudge on back to bed.

It hasn't been all bad. We did get expansion, and that was kind of fun. And we might still get a Matt Duchene deal, if Joe Sakic's foot ever gets sore from continually kicking that can down the road. But yeah, let's not sugarcoat it: Compared to the NBA, our off-season sucks.

And it's nobody's fault, and there's really nothing we can do about it. This is just how the NHL has evolved in the salary cap era. Most GMs are too timid to make big trades. Offer sheets are mysteriously off the table. Teams go all out to make sure they sign all of their top players to long-term deals at the first opportunity, so nobody good ever gets to free agency. And then everyone bolts for the cottage midway through July.

Every now and then we'll get an exciting day, but that's the exception. It's not good or bad. It just is. We may as well accept it.

And sure, it's hard not to feel a little jealous of that NBA fan passed out from sheer excitement in a sea of wrapping paper and major headlines. And now he even gets to care about exhibition games? How spoiled can one kid be?

Ah well. If you're a hockey fan, this is your fate. We may as well make our peace with it.

(And then wait until the playoffs, when you're tearing into a big helping of "anything can happen" and basketball kid is stuck with "this is all pointless because everyone knows Golden State is winning again.")

Classic YouTube clip breakdown

Last week, we used this space to break down the unparalleled genius of Alexei Kovalev, as he shrugged off a vengeful Mike Keenan and labored through the greatest shift in NHL history. At times, Kovalev was the absolute best.

But other times, well, it's safe to say that the Alexei Kovalev Experience had its share of ups and downs. So today, let's balance out the scales with a look back at one of the downs.

It's April 13, 2004, and Kovalev and the Canadiens are hosting the Bruins in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference quarterfinals. The Bruins are leading the series 2-1, and just scored in the dying seconds of regulation to tie the game. Now we're midway through the second overtime, and it's safe to say that it feels like a must-win for Montreal.

Luckily, Kovalev has the puck in his own zone. I'm sure this will turn out great for Montreal.

Our hero decides to cut along his own blueline, which is a reasonable move given the Bruins forwards are heading off on a line change. But Travis Green reaches out and lightly taps him in the hands on the way by, and tragically this causes Kovalev to immediately die.

Well, OK, not quite die—but it's close enough. Kovalev bails on the play, selling the tap for all its worth in an attempt to draw a penalty. This being playoff overtime, the ref immediately checks to make sure Kovalev's arm is still attached and then puts his whistle away.

Realizing that there's no penalty coming, Kovalev jumps back in the play and delivers a textbook open ice check on the puck carrier. Unfortunately, that puck carrier is teammate Sheldon Souray, and that springs Glenn Murray on a breakaway. Anyone who has every watched hockey knows exactly what's about to happen.

Sure enough, Murray beats Jose Theodore to end the game, and the Bruins pile onto the ice to celebrate.

My favorite part of this clip is the crowd reaction. You can actually isolate the Kubler-Ross five stages of Montreal Canadiens fans watching this play unfold:

1. Ho hum, nothing is happening

2. Oh was kind of a slash

3. Umm guys…

4. UMM GUYS

5. NOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Stage 6, as always, is rioting.)

The celebration pile includes the usual fun sightings. There's Joe Thornton, in the middle of the pointless playoff run that convinced the Bruins they couldn't win with him. There's former Canadian Olympian Rob Zamuner. There's Michael "Father of William and Also That Other One" Nylander.

And there's the Bruins' rookie head coach, who looks vaguely familiar. Yes, it's good old Mike Sullivan, fresh off an impressive 104-point debut. He'd be fired by the end of the following season, and wouldn't get another shot in the NHL until Pittsburgh hired him a decade later, midway through the 2015-16 campaign. Don't tell me how that turns out, I'm going to binge watch the last few seasons over the weekend.

"This is your goal scor-rah…" I love Boston announcers.

We see the Canadiens leaving the ice, and they don't look happy. And they weren't, with Souray and coach Claude Julien both ripping Kovalev after the game for quitting on the play. They're not wrong, but I mean, Souray doesn't look great on this one either, does he? I know he's caught by surprise, but he's standing flat-footed at center ice while a forward breaks out of the zone, and he basically makes the worst possible play with the puck. Are we really going to pretend this is 100 percent Kovalev's fault?

[Thinks about the comedic implications.]

Yeah, this is all Kovalev. Motion carried.

At this point I have to address an issue I'm sure some of you are wondering about: Are we sure Kovalev was really faking here? I know I called it a tap, but Green really does give him a decent hack. Isn't is possible that he's actually hurt, and we're all pointing and laughing at an innocent (and injured) man?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'd like to present Exhibit A, which you may recognize from the case of the murder of the Quebec Nordiques. The prosecution rests.

By the way, that waved-off Sakic goal was so bad that it remains just about the only known instance of the NHL ever coming right out and saying one of its officials screwed up. That play doesn't get anywhere near enough run in the "worst call ever" conversation. Brett Hull and Kerry Fraser and Martin Gelinas were all bad, but none of them ended an entire team.

"Ya gotta suck it up in ovah-time, boys." I really love Boston announcers.

Anyways, the Bruins win to head back home with a 3-1 series lead, the Canadiens are in disarray over Kovalev's boneheaded play, and Boston sportswriters are writing about how this play will live in infamy as the counter to the 1979 too-many-men debacle. Anyone want to guess how the series ends?

Yes, of course, the Canadiens come back to win three straight, and Kovalev had assists on both goals in their 2-0 Game 7 win. As Mike Keenan could tell you, you do not mess with Alexei Kovalev, because he always wins in the end.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com.

DGB Grab Bag: The Bettman Sentence, Russia's List, and NBA Off-Season Jealousy published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: The Bettman Sentence, Russia's List, and NBA Off-Season Jealousy

Three stars of comedy

The third star: Taylor Crosby. She's a goaltender at St. Cloud State University. You may have also heard of her big brother, but just in case you hadn't, she was nice enough to drop a mention of him into her official bio.

The second star: Justin Williams. As a diehard Leafs fan, I recognize Maple Leaf Gardens on top of that trophy. No idea what that cup-shaped thing behind it is, though.

The first star: Predators fan Andrew Fudge. OK, admittedly this one is only funny if you're not Andrew Fudge. Are you Andrew Fudge? No? OK, keep reading.

Yes, that's a diehard Predators fan who won tickets to a Stanley Cup Final game—and only realized it two months later. You can read the whole heartbreaking story here.

The Nashville Predators, sliding into your DMs like:

(Where Andrew is the linesman.)

Epilogue: This one has a happy ending.

Be It Resolved

This week, Gary Bettman appeared at a panel with the commissioners of the NFL, MLB, and NBA to discuss a variety of issues. As always seems to be the case whenever he gets near a live microphone, he said some things that annoyed hockey fans.

We've covered this sort of thing before, because it happens every few months. But this time, I'm not here to complain. No, this time, I'm bringing a solution. I've figured out one simple trick that will transform any random Gary Bettman soundbite from something that infuriates you into something that makes you nod and go "Yeah, that's fair."

I'm calling it The Bettman Sentence.

Here's all you need to do. Whenever Bettman says something about the state of the game, just recall that he's been NHL commissioner for 24 years and counting. That's already longer than three of the five men who'd held the previous title of President. He's going to pass Frank Calder within a few years. There's a decent change he'll even do what once seemed unthinkable and outlast Clarence Campbell.

Even that might be underselling it. While Calder and Campbell each led the league through tumultuous periods of major change, things just move faster these days. You could make a good case that 24 years in today's hyper-speed world should count for a lot more than 26 years back before most people had a television.

Everything about today's NHL, both good and bad, traces back to Bettman in one way or another. I know it. You know it. Every player, coach, GM, owner, and media member knows it. And it's a pretty safe assumption that Bettman knows it, too.

So whenever you hear Bettman complaining about state of the modern NHL, all you need to do is mentally append one more sentence: "And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that."

That's it. Just imagine that sentence, in Bettman's trademark voice, and everything will be OK again.

Here, let's try it out. Take this quote from earlier this week, which probably had you bouncing your forehead off the nearest desk.

Bettman is basically complaining that the league doesn't get enough media coverage. But that's outrageous, because he's the one who bailed on ESPN and he lets the league be so boring and he's always picking fights with reporters and…

Calm down. Breathe deeply. And then, add the magic sentence.

"Historically, we have been underserved by traditional media. And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that."

That's a perfectly rational thing to say, right? If you heard those words come out of Bettman's mouth, you wouldn't be mad at all. You'd actually think he was being downright perceptive. It's not like we're changing reality around here by making stuff up. Bettman really has been around since 1993. He absolutely knows that he's the most influential person in the modern history of the league, and probably the most influential ever, period. He knows that everything about today's game has his fingerprints all over it.

Would he say that out loud? Probably not. But he's thinking it, or at least he should be. So you should feel free to do him a favor and tack that extra sentence on for him.

Here, let's try another one:

"… and since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that." Boom. Suddenly, a comment that's transparently antagonistic at the worst possible time is transformed into a completely reasonable observation.

So be it resolved: From now on, every Gary Bettman quote where he's complaining about the state of the game gets The Bettman Sentence automatically appended to the end of it. "And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that." Do that, and everything else starts to make a lot more sense. It will probably be good for your blood pressure, too.

Obscure former player of the week

This week, a Russian magazine unveiled its list of the country's 50 best NHL players of all-time. As always with these sort of projects, the end result made for some fun debate. They had Evgeni Malkin as the best ever, but you could make a case for Alexander Ovechkin, Pavel Bure, Sergei Fedorov, Pavel Datsyuk, Alexander Mogilny… the list goes on and on.

This week's obscure player didn't quite make the cut, but he is the subject of one of my favorite draft day stories, and that's worth something. He's defenseman Sergei Bautin.

Bautin was a big blueliner who played a physical style that earned him the nickname Bam Bam. He made his name with Dynamo Moscow, and won gold as part of the Unified Team at the 1992 Olympics alongside Sergei Zubov, Nikolai Khabibulin, Darius Kasparaitis and the subject of this week's YouTube clip.

By the time the 1992 entry draft rolled around, Bautin was 25 years old, but with the NHL opening up to European players and his international experience drawing attention, he had an outside shot at getting drafted. Hey, you could do worse with a late-round flyer, right?

Then the Winnipeg Jets picked him 17th overall.

To give you an idea of how off-the-board the pick was, consider this: Even Bob McKenzie didn't know who Bautin was, sending him into a live-TV scramble to figure out who the Jets had just used their first round pick on. It was a bizarre choice, but you know, that's what happens when your GM is Mike Smith, am I right, folks?

Bautin came over to North America and had a pretty decent rookie season, playing 71 games for Winnipeg and just narrowly missing out on team rookie-of-the-year honors. But he struggled in Year 2, and was traded at the 1994 deadline as part of the deal that saw the Wings and Jets swap goaltenders, flipping Bob Essensa for Tim Chevaldae. Bautin's stint in Detroit didn't go well; he lasted exactly one game before Scotty Bowman and the Wings sent him to the minors for being out of shape, reportedly after discovering he was a two-pack-a-day smoker.

Bautin would sign with San Jose in 1995, but once again played just a single game before the team moved on. From there, it was back to Europe, where he finished off his career, and presumably a few more packs of smokes.

Outrage of the week

The issue: The NBA off-season has been way more fun than the NHL's.

The outrage: [Folds arms and pouts.] It's not fair. Is it justified: It's been a rough summer for hockey fans, especially if you know anyone who's into basketball. It's like being a kid on Christmas morning, and watching your friend tear open a ton of cool presents. Blockbuster trades! Free agency intrigue! Front-office shenanigans! Crazy rumors! Look, he even got a traded first overall pick and a big-money offer sheet. You didn't even know those still existed.

Meanwhile, you're sitting there sadly unwrapping your discount Kevin Shattenkirk signing and trying to get excited about an Artemi Panarin trade. At some point, you just want to give up and trudge on back to bed.

It hasn't been all bad. We did get expansion, and that was kind of fun. And we might still get a Matt Duchene deal, if Joe Sakic's foot ever gets sore from continually kicking that can down the road. But yeah, let's not sugarcoat it: Compared to the NBA, our off-season sucks.

And it's nobody's fault, and there's really nothing we can do about it. This is just how the NHL has evolved in the salary cap era. Most GMs are too timid to make big trades. Offer sheets are mysteriously off the table. Teams go all out to make sure they sign all of their top players to long-term deals at the first opportunity, so nobody good ever gets to free agency. And then everyone bolts for the cottage midway through July.

Every now and then we'll get an exciting day, but that's the exception. It's not good or bad. It just is. We may as well accept it.

And sure, it's hard not to feel a little jealous of that NBA fan passed out from sheer excitement in a sea of wrapping paper and major headlines. And now he even gets to care about exhibition games? How spoiled can one kid be?

Ah well. If you're a hockey fan, this is your fate. We may as well make our peace with it.

(And then wait until the playoffs, when you're tearing into a big helping of "anything can happen" and basketball kid is stuck with "this is all pointless because everyone knows Golden State is winning again.")

Classic YouTube clip breakdown

Last week, we used this space to break down the unparalleled genius of Alexei Kovalev, as he shrugged off a vengeful Mike Keenan and labored through the greatest shift in NHL history. At times, Kovalev was the absolute best.

But other times, well, it's safe to say that the Alexei Kovalev Experience had its share of ups and downs. So today, let's balance out the scales with a look back at one of the downs.

It's April 13, 2004, and Kovalev and the Canadiens are hosting the Bruins in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference quarterfinals. The Bruins are leading the series 2-1, and just scored in the dying seconds of regulation to tie the game. Now we're midway through the second overtime, and it's safe to say that it feels like a must-win for Montreal.

Luckily, Kovalev has the puck in his own zone. I'm sure this will turn out great for Montreal.

Our hero decides to cut along his own blueline, which is a reasonable move given the Bruins forwards are heading off on a line change. But Travis Green reaches out and lightly taps him in the hands on the way by, and tragically this causes Kovalev to immediately die.

Well, OK, not quite die—but it's close enough. Kovalev bails on the play, selling the tap for all its worth in an attempt to draw a penalty. This being playoff overtime, the ref immediately checks to make sure Kovalev's arm is still attached and then puts his whistle away.

Realizing that there's no penalty coming, Kovalev jumps back in the play and delivers a textbook open ice check on the puck carrier. Unfortunately, that puck carrier is teammate Sheldon Souray, and that springs Glenn Murray on a breakaway. Anyone who has every watched hockey knows exactly what's about to happen.

Sure enough, Murray beats Jose Theodore to end the game, and the Bruins pile onto the ice to celebrate.

My favorite part of this clip is the crowd reaction. You can actually isolate the Kubler-Ross five stages of Montreal Canadiens fans watching this play unfold:

1. Ho hum, nothing is happening

2. Oh was kind of a slash

3. Umm guys…

4. UMM GUYS

5. NOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Stage 6, as always, is rioting.)

The celebration pile includes the usual fun sightings. There's Joe Thornton, in the middle of the pointless playoff run that convinced the Bruins they couldn't win with him. There's former Canadian Olympian Rob Zamuner. There's Michael "Father of William and Also That Other One" Nylander.

And there's the Bruins' rookie head coach, who looks vaguely familiar. Yes, it's good old Mike Sullivan, fresh off an impressive 104-point debut. He'd be fired by the end of the following season, and wouldn't get another shot in the NHL until Pittsburgh hired him a decade later, midway through the 2015-16 campaign. Don't tell me how that turns out, I'm going to binge watch the last few seasons over the weekend.

"This is your goal scor-rah…" I love Boston announcers.

We see the Canadiens leaving the ice, and they don't look happy. And they weren't, with Souray and coach Claude Julien both ripping Kovalev after the game for quitting on the play. They're not wrong, but I mean, Souray doesn't look great on this one either, does he? I know he's caught by surprise, but he's standing flat-footed at center ice while a forward breaks out of the zone, and he basically makes the worst possible play with the puck. Are we really going to pretend this is 100 percent Kovalev's fault?

[Thinks about the comedic implications.]

Yeah, this is all Kovalev. Motion carried.

At this point I have to address an issue I'm sure some of you are wondering about: Are we sure Kovalev was really faking here? I know I called it a tap, but Green really does give him a decent hack. Isn't is possible that he's actually hurt, and we're all pointing and laughing at an innocent (and injured) man?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'd like to present Exhibit A, which you may recognize from the case of the murder of the Quebec Nordiques. The prosecution rests.

By the way, that waved-off Sakic goal was so bad that it remains just about the only known instance of the NHL ever coming right out and saying one of its officials screwed up. That play doesn't get anywhere near enough run in the "worst call ever" conversation. Brett Hull and Kerry Fraser and Martin Gelinas were all bad, but none of them ended an entire team.

"Ya gotta suck it up in ovah-time, boys." I really love Boston announcers.

Anyways, the Bruins win to head back home with a 3-1 series lead, the Canadiens are in disarray over Kovalev's boneheaded play, and Boston sportswriters are writing about how this play will live in infamy as the counter to the 1979 too-many-men debacle. Anyone want to guess how the series ends?

Yes, of course, the Canadiens come back to win three straight, and Kovalev had assists on both goals in their 2-0 Game 7 win. As Mike Keenan could tell you, you do not mess with Alexei Kovalev, because he always wins in the end.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com.

DGB Grab Bag: The Bettman Sentence, Russia's List, and NBA Off-Season Jealousy published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: The Bettman Sentence, Russia's List, and NBA Off-Season Jealousy

Three stars of comedy

The third star: Taylor Crosby. She's a goaltender at St. Cloud State University. You may have also heard of her big brother, but just in case you hadn't, she was nice enough to drop a mention of him into her official bio.

The second star: Justin Williams. As a diehard Leafs fan, I recognize Maple Leaf Gardens on top of that trophy. No idea what that cup-shaped thing behind it is, though.

The first star: Predators fan Andrew Fudge. OK, admittedly this one is only funny if you're not Andrew Fudge. Are you Andrew Fudge? No? OK, keep reading.

Yes, that's a diehard Predators fan who won tickets to a Stanley Cup Final game—and only realized it two months later. You can read the whole heartbreaking story here.

The Nashville Predators, sliding into your DMs like:

(Where Andrew is the linesman.)

Epilogue: This one has a happy ending.

Be It Resolved

This week, Gary Bettman appeared at a panel with the commissioners of the NFL, MLB, and NBA to discuss a variety of issues. As always seems to be the case whenever he gets near a live microphone, he said some things that annoyed hockey fans.

We've covered this sort of thing before, because it happens every few months. But this time, I'm not here to complain. No, this time, I'm bringing a solution. I've figured out one simple trick that will transform any random Gary Bettman soundbite from something that infuriates you into something that makes you nod and go "Yeah, that's fair."

I'm calling it The Bettman Sentence.

Here's all you need to do. Whenever Bettman says something about the state of the game, just recall that he's been NHL commissioner for 24 years and counting. That's already longer than three of the five men who'd held the previous title of President. He's going to pass Frank Calder within a few years. There's a decent change he'll even do what once seemed unthinkable and outlast Clarence Campbell.

Even that might be underselling it. While Calder and Campbell each led the league through tumultuous periods of major change, things just move faster these days. You could make a good case that 24 years in today's hyper-speed world should count for a lot more than 26 years back before most people had a television.

Everything about today's NHL, both good and bad, traces back to Bettman in one way or another. I know it. You know it. Every player, coach, GM, owner, and media member knows it. And it's a pretty safe assumption that Bettman knows it, too.

So whenever you hear Bettman complaining about state of the modern NHL, all you need to do is mentally append one more sentence: "And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that."

That's it. Just imagine that sentence, in Bettman's trademark voice, and everything will be OK again.

Here, let's try it out. Take this quote from earlier this week, which probably had you bouncing your forehead off the nearest desk.

Bettman is basically complaining that the league doesn't get enough media coverage. But that's outrageous, because he's the one who bailed on ESPN and he lets the league be so boring and he's always picking fights with reporters and…

Calm down. Breathe deeply. And then, add the magic sentence.

"Historically, we have been underserved by traditional media. And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that."

That's a perfectly rational thing to say, right? If you heard those words come out of Bettman's mouth, you wouldn't be mad at all. You'd actually think he was being downright perceptive. It's not like we're changing reality around here by making stuff up. Bettman really has been around since 1993. He absolutely knows that he's the most influential person in the modern history of the league, and probably the most influential ever, period. He knows that everything about today's game has his fingerprints all over it.

Would he say that out loud? Probably not. But he's thinking it, or at least he should be. So you should feel free to do him a favor and tack that extra sentence on for him.

Here, let's try another one:

"… and since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that." Boom. Suddenly, a comment that's transparently antagonistic at the worst possible time is transformed into a completely reasonable observation.

So be it resolved: From now on, every Gary Bettman quote where he's complaining about the state of the game gets The Bettman Sentence automatically appended to the end of it. "And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that." Do that, and everything else starts to make a lot more sense. It will probably be good for your blood pressure, too.

Obscure former player of the week

This week, a Russian magazine unveiled its list of the country's 50 best NHL players of all-time. As always with these sort of projects, the end result made for some fun debate. They had Evgeni Malkin as the best ever, but you could make a case for Alexander Ovechkin, Pavel Bure, Sergei Fedorov, Pavel Datsyuk, Alexander Mogilny… the list goes on and on.

This week's obscure player didn't quite make the cut, but he is the subject of one of my favorite draft day stories, and that's worth something. He's defenseman Sergei Bautin.

Bautin was a big blueliner who played a physical style that earned him the nickname Bam Bam. He made his name with Dynamo Moscow, and won gold as part of the Unified Team at the 1992 Olympics alongside Sergei Zubov, Nikolai Khabibulin, Darius Kasparaitis and the subject of this week's YouTube clip.

By the time the 1992 entry draft rolled around, Bautin was 25 years old, but with the NHL opening up to European players and his international experience drawing attention, he had an outside shot at getting drafted. Hey, you could do worse with a late-round flyer, right?

Then the Winnipeg Jets picked him 17th overall.

To give you an idea of how off-the-board the pick was, consider this: Even Bob McKenzie didn't know who Bautin was, sending him into a live-TV scramble to figure out who the Jets had just used their first round pick on. It was a bizarre choice, but you know, that's what happens when your GM is Mike Smith, am I right, folks?

Bautin came over to North America and had a pretty decent rookie season, playing 71 games for Winnipeg and just narrowly missing out on team rookie-of-the-year honors. But he struggled in Year 2, and was traded at the 1994 deadline as part of the deal that saw the Wings and Jets swap goaltenders, flipping Bob Essensa for Tim Chevaldae. Bautin's stint in Detroit didn't go well; he lasted exactly one game before Scotty Bowman and the Wings sent him to the minors for being out of shape, reportedly after discovering he was a two-pack-a-day smoker.

Bautin would sign with San Jose in 1995, but once again played just a single game before the team moved on. From there, it was back to Europe, where he finished off his career, and presumably a few more packs of smokes.

Outrage of the week

The issue: The NBA off-season has been way more fun than the NHL's.

The outrage: [Folds arms and pouts.] It's not fair. Is it justified: It's been a rough summer for hockey fans, especially if you know anyone who's into basketball. It's like being a kid on Christmas morning, and watching your friend tear open a ton of cool presents. Blockbuster trades! Free agency intrigue! Front-office shenanigans! Crazy rumors! Look, he even got a traded first overall pick and a big-money offer sheet. You didn't even know those still existed.

Meanwhile, you're sitting there sadly unwrapping your discount Kevin Shattenkirk signing and trying to get excited about an Artemi Panarin trade. At some point, you just want to give up and trudge on back to bed.

It hasn't been all bad. We did get expansion, and that was kind of fun. And we might still get a Matt Duchene deal, if Joe Sakic's foot ever gets sore from continually kicking that can down the road. But yeah, let's not sugarcoat it: Compared to the NBA, our off-season sucks.

And it's nobody's fault, and there's really nothing we can do about it. This is just how the NHL has evolved in the salary cap era. Most GMs are too timid to make big trades. Offer sheets are mysteriously off the table. Teams go all out to make sure they sign all of their top players to long-term deals at the first opportunity, so nobody good ever gets to free agency. And then everyone bolts for the cottage midway through July.

Every now and then we'll get an exciting day, but that's the exception. It's not good or bad. It just is. We may as well accept it.

And sure, it's hard not to feel a little jealous of that NBA fan passed out from sheer excitement in a sea of wrapping paper and major headlines. And now he even gets to care about exhibition games? How spoiled can one kid be?

Ah well. If you're a hockey fan, this is your fate. We may as well make our peace with it.

(And then wait until the playoffs, when you're tearing into a big helping of "anything can happen" and basketball kid is stuck with "this is all pointless because everyone knows Golden State is winning again.")

Classic YouTube clip breakdown

Last week, we used this space to break down the unparalleled genius of Alexei Kovalev, as he shrugged off a vengeful Mike Keenan and labored through the greatest shift in NHL history. At times, Kovalev was the absolute best.

But other times, well, it's safe to say that the Alexei Kovalev Experience had its share of ups and downs. So today, let's balance out the scales with a look back at one of the downs.

It's April 13, 2004, and Kovalev and the Canadiens are hosting the Bruins in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference quarterfinals. The Bruins are leading the series 2-1, and just scored in the dying seconds of regulation to tie the game. Now we're midway through the second overtime, and it's safe to say that it feels like a must-win for Montreal.

Luckily, Kovalev has the puck in his own zone. I'm sure this will turn out great for Montreal.

Our hero decides to cut along his own blueline, which is a reasonable move given the Bruins forwards are heading off on a line change. But Travis Green reaches out and lightly taps him in the hands on the way by, and tragically this causes Kovalev to immediately die.

Well, OK, not quite die—but it's close enough. Kovalev bails on the play, selling the tap for all its worth in an attempt to draw a penalty. This being playoff overtime, the ref immediately checks to make sure Kovalev's arm is still attached and then puts his whistle away.

Realizing that there's no penalty coming, Kovalev jumps back in the play and delivers a textbook open ice check on the puck carrier. Unfortunately, that puck carrier is teammate Sheldon Souray, and that springs Glenn Murray on a breakaway. Anyone who has every watched hockey knows exactly what's about to happen.

Sure enough, Murray beats Jose Theodore to end the game, and the Bruins pile onto the ice to celebrate.

My favorite part of this clip is the crowd reaction. You can actually isolate the Kubler-Ross five stages of Montreal Canadiens fans watching this play unfold:

1. Ho hum, nothing is happening

2. Oh was kind of a slash

3. Umm guys…

4. UMM GUYS

5. NOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Stage 6, as always, is rioting.)

The celebration pile includes the usual fun sightings. There's Joe Thornton, in the middle of the pointless playoff run that convinced the Bruins they couldn't win with him. There's former Canadian Olympian Rob Zamuner. There's Michael "Father of William and Also That Other One" Nylander.

And there's the Bruins' rookie head coach, who looks vaguely familiar. Yes, it's good old Mike Sullivan, fresh off an impressive 104-point debut. He'd be fired by the end of the following season, and wouldn't get another shot in the NHL until Pittsburgh hired him a decade later, midway through the 2015-16 campaign. Don't tell me how that turns out, I'm going to binge watch the last few seasons over the weekend.

"This is your goal scor-rah…" I love Boston announcers.

We see the Canadiens leaving the ice, and they don't look happy. And they weren't, with Souray and coach Claude Julien both ripping Kovalev after the game for quitting on the play. They're not wrong, but I mean, Souray doesn't look great on this one either, does he? I know he's caught by surprise, but he's standing flat-footed at center ice while a forward breaks out of the zone, and he basically makes the worst possible play with the puck. Are we really going to pretend this is 100 percent Kovalev's fault?

[Thinks about the comedic implications.]

Yeah, this is all Kovalev. Motion carried.

At this point I have to address an issue I'm sure some of you are wondering about: Are we sure Kovalev was really faking here? I know I called it a tap, but Green really does give him a decent hack. Isn't is possible that he's actually hurt, and we're all pointing and laughing at an innocent (and injured) man?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'd like to present Exhibit A, which you may recognize from the case of the murder of the Quebec Nordiques. The prosecution rests.

By the way, that waved-off Sakic goal was so bad that it remains just about the only known instance of the NHL ever coming right out and saying one of its officials screwed up. That play doesn't get anywhere near enough run in the "worst call ever" conversation. Brett Hull and Kerry Fraser and Martin Gelinas were all bad, but none of them ended an entire team.

"Ya gotta suck it up in ovah-time, boys." I really love Boston announcers.

Anyways, the Bruins win to head back home with a 3-1 series lead, the Canadiens are in disarray over Kovalev's boneheaded play, and Boston sportswriters are writing about how this play will live in infamy as the counter to the 1979 too-many-men debacle. Anyone want to guess how the series ends?

Yes, of course, the Canadiens come back to win three straight, and Kovalev had assists on both goals in their 2-0 Game 7 win. As Mike Keenan could tell you, you do not mess with Alexei Kovalev, because he always wins in the end.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com.

DGB Grab Bag: The Bettman Sentence, Russia's List, and NBA Off-Season Jealousy published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

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DGB Grab Bag: The Bettman Sentence, Russia's List, and NBA Off-Season Jealousy

Three stars of comedy

The third star: Taylor Crosby. She's a goaltender at St. Cloud State University. You may have also heard of her big brother, but just in case you hadn't, she was nice enough to drop a mention of him into her official bio.

The second star: Justin Williams. As a diehard Leafs fan, I recognize Maple Leaf Gardens on top of that trophy. No idea what that cup-shaped thing behind it is, though.

The first star: Predators fan Andrew Fudge. OK, admittedly this one is only funny if you're not Andrew Fudge. Are you Andrew Fudge? No? OK, keep reading.

Yes, that's a diehard Predators fan who won tickets to a Stanley Cup Final game—and only realized it two months later. You can read the whole heartbreaking story here.

The Nashville Predators, sliding into your DMs like:

(Where Andrew is the linesman.)

Epilogue: This one has a happy ending.

Be It Resolved

This week, Gary Bettman appeared at a panel with the commissioners of the NFL, MLB, and NBA to discuss a variety of issues. As always seems to be the case whenever he gets near a live microphone, he said some things that annoyed hockey fans.

We've covered this sort of thing before, because it happens every few months. But this time, I'm not here to complain. No, this time, I'm bringing a solution. I've figured out one simple trick that will transform any random Gary Bettman soundbite from something that infuriates you into something that makes you nod and go "Yeah, that's fair."

I'm calling it The Bettman Sentence.

Here's all you need to do. Whenever Bettman says something about the state of the game, just recall that he's been NHL commissioner for 24 years and counting. That's already longer than three of the five men who'd held the previous title of President. He's going to pass Frank Calder within a few years. There's a decent change he'll even do what once seemed unthinkable and outlast Clarence Campbell.

Even that might be underselling it. While Calder and Campbell each led the league through tumultuous periods of major change, things just move faster these days. You could make a good case that 24 years in today's hyper-speed world should count for a lot more than 26 years back before most people had a television.

Everything about today's NHL, both good and bad, traces back to Bettman in one way or another. I know it. You know it. Every player, coach, GM, owner, and media member knows it. And it's a pretty safe assumption that Bettman knows it, too.

So whenever you hear Bettman complaining about state of the modern NHL, all you need to do is mentally append one more sentence: "And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that."

That's it. Just imagine that sentence, in Bettman's trademark voice, and everything will be OK again.

Here, let's try it out. Take this quote from earlier this week, which probably had you bouncing your forehead off the nearest desk.

Bettman is basically complaining that the league doesn't get enough media coverage. But that's outrageous, because he's the one who bailed on ESPN and he lets the league be so boring and he's always picking fights with reporters and…

Calm down. Breathe deeply. And then, add the magic sentence.

"Historically, we have been underserved by traditional media. And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that."

That's a perfectly rational thing to say, right? If you heard those words come out of Bettman's mouth, you wouldn't be mad at all. You'd actually think he was being downright perceptive. It's not like we're changing reality around here by making stuff up. Bettman really has been around since 1993. He absolutely knows that he's the most influential person in the modern history of the league, and probably the most influential ever, period. He knows that everything about today's game has his fingerprints all over it.

Would he say that out loud? Probably not. But he's thinking it, or at least he should be. So you should feel free to do him a favor and tack that extra sentence on for him.

Here, let's try another one:

"… and since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that." Boom. Suddenly, a comment that's transparently antagonistic at the worst possible time is transformed into a completely reasonable observation.

So be it resolved: From now on, every Gary Bettman quote where he's complaining about the state of the game gets The Bettman Sentence automatically appended to the end of it. "And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that." Do that, and everything else starts to make a lot more sense. It will probably be good for your blood pressure, too.

Obscure former player of the week

This week, a Russian magazine unveiled its list of the country's 50 best NHL players of all-time. As always with these sort of projects, the end result made for some fun debate. They had Evgeni Malkin as the best ever, but you could make a case for Alexander Ovechkin, Pavel Bure, Sergei Fedorov, Pavel Datsyuk, Alexander Mogilny… the list goes on and on.

This week's obscure player didn't quite make the cut, but he is the subject of one of my favorite draft day stories, and that's worth something. He's defenseman Sergei Bautin.

Bautin was a big blueliner who played a physical style that earned him the nickname Bam Bam. He made his name with Dynamo Moscow, and won gold as part of the Unified Team at the 1992 Olympics alongside Sergei Zubov, Nikolai Khabibulin, Darius Kasparaitis and the subject of this week's YouTube clip.

By the time the 1992 entry draft rolled around, Bautin was 25 years old, but with the NHL opening up to European players and his international experience drawing attention, he had an outside shot at getting drafted. Hey, you could do worse with a late-round flyer, right?

Then the Winnipeg Jets picked him 17th overall.

To give you an idea of how off-the-board the pick was, consider this: Even Bob McKenzie didn't know who Bautin was, sending him into a live-TV scramble to figure out who the Jets had just used their first round pick on. It was a bizarre choice, but you know, that's what happens when your GM is Mike Smith, am I right, folks?

Bautin came over to North America and had a pretty decent rookie season, playing 71 games for Winnipeg and just narrowly missing out on team rookie-of-the-year honors. But he struggled in Year 2, and was traded at the 1994 deadline as part of the deal that saw the Wings and Jets swap goaltenders, flipping Bob Essensa for Tim Chevaldae. Bautin's stint in Detroit didn't go well; he lasted exactly one game before Scotty Bowman and the Wings sent him to the minors for being out of shape, reportedly after discovering he was a two-pack-a-day smoker.

Bautin would sign with San Jose in 1995, but once again played just a single game before the team moved on. From there, it was back to Europe, where he finished off his career, and presumably a few more packs of smokes.

Outrage of the week

The issue: The NBA off-season has been way more fun than the NHL's.

The outrage: [Folds arms and pouts.] It's not fair. Is it justified: It's been a rough summer for hockey fans, especially if you know anyone who's into basketball. It's like being a kid on Christmas morning, and watching your friend tear open a ton of cool presents. Blockbuster trades! Free agency intrigue! Front-office shenanigans! Crazy rumors! Look, he even got a traded first overall pick and a big-money offer sheet. You didn't even know those still existed.

Meanwhile, you're sitting there sadly unwrapping your discount Kevin Shattenkirk signing and trying to get excited about an Artemi Panarin trade. At some point, you just want to give up and trudge on back to bed.

It hasn't been all bad. We did get expansion, and that was kind of fun. And we might still get a Matt Duchene deal, if Joe Sakic's foot ever gets sore from continually kicking that can down the road. But yeah, let's not sugarcoat it: Compared to the NBA, our off-season sucks.

And it's nobody's fault, and there's really nothing we can do about it. This is just how the NHL has evolved in the salary cap era. Most GMs are too timid to make big trades. Offer sheets are mysteriously off the table. Teams go all out to make sure they sign all of their top players to long-term deals at the first opportunity, so nobody good ever gets to free agency. And then everyone bolts for the cottage midway through July.

Every now and then we'll get an exciting day, but that's the exception. It's not good or bad. It just is. We may as well accept it.

And sure, it's hard not to feel a little jealous of that NBA fan passed out from sheer excitement in a sea of wrapping paper and major headlines. And now he even gets to care about exhibition games? How spoiled can one kid be?

Ah well. If you're a hockey fan, this is your fate. We may as well make our peace with it.

(And then wait until the playoffs, when you're tearing into a big helping of "anything can happen" and basketball kid is stuck with "this is all pointless because everyone knows Golden State is winning again.")

Classic YouTube clip breakdown

Last week, we used this space to break down the unparalleled genius of Alexei Kovalev, as he shrugged off a vengeful Mike Keenan and labored through the greatest shift in NHL history. At times, Kovalev was the absolute best.

But other times, well, it's safe to say that the Alexei Kovalev Experience had its share of ups and downs. So today, let's balance out the scales with a look back at one of the downs.

It's April 13, 2004, and Kovalev and the Canadiens are hosting the Bruins in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference quarterfinals. The Bruins are leading the series 2-1, and just scored in the dying seconds of regulation to tie the game. Now we're midway through the second overtime, and it's safe to say that it feels like a must-win for Montreal.

Luckily, Kovalev has the puck in his own zone. I'm sure this will turn out great for Montreal.

Our hero decides to cut along his own blueline, which is a reasonable move given the Bruins forwards are heading off on a line change. But Travis Green reaches out and lightly taps him in the hands on the way by, and tragically this causes Kovalev to immediately die.

Well, OK, not quite die—but it's close enough. Kovalev bails on the play, selling the tap for all its worth in an attempt to draw a penalty. This being playoff overtime, the ref immediately checks to make sure Kovalev's arm is still attached and then puts his whistle away.

Realizing that there's no penalty coming, Kovalev jumps back in the play and delivers a textbook open ice check on the puck carrier. Unfortunately, that puck carrier is teammate Sheldon Souray, and that springs Glenn Murray on a breakaway. Anyone who has every watched hockey knows exactly what's about to happen.

Sure enough, Murray beats Jose Theodore to end the game, and the Bruins pile onto the ice to celebrate.

My favorite part of this clip is the crowd reaction. You can actually isolate the Kubler-Ross five stages of Montreal Canadiens fans watching this play unfold:

1. Ho hum, nothing is happening

2. Oh was kind of a slash

3. Umm guys…

4. UMM GUYS

5. NOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Stage 6, as always, is rioting.)

The celebration pile includes the usual fun sightings. There's Joe Thornton, in the middle of the pointless playoff run that convinced the Bruins they couldn't win with him. There's former Canadian Olympian Rob Zamuner. There's Michael "Father of William and Also That Other One" Nylander.

And there's the Bruins' rookie head coach, who looks vaguely familiar. Yes, it's good old Mike Sullivan, fresh off an impressive 104-point debut. He'd be fired by the end of the following season, and wouldn't get another shot in the NHL until Pittsburgh hired him a decade later, midway through the 2015-16 campaign. Don't tell me how that turns out, I'm going to binge watch the last few seasons over the weekend.

"This is your goal scor-rah…" I love Boston announcers.

We see the Canadiens leaving the ice, and they don't look happy. And they weren't, with Souray and coach Claude Julien both ripping Kovalev after the game for quitting on the play. They're not wrong, but I mean, Souray doesn't look great on this one either, does he? I know he's caught by surprise, but he's standing flat-footed at center ice while a forward breaks out of the zone, and he basically makes the worst possible play with the puck. Are we really going to pretend this is 100 percent Kovalev's fault?

[Thinks about the comedic implications.]

Yeah, this is all Kovalev. Motion carried.

At this point I have to address an issue I'm sure some of you are wondering about: Are we sure Kovalev was really faking here? I know I called it a tap, but Green really does give him a decent hack. Isn't is possible that he's actually hurt, and we're all pointing and laughing at an innocent (and injured) man?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'd like to present Exhibit A, which you may recognize from the case of the murder of the Quebec Nordiques. The prosecution rests.

By the way, that waved-off Sakic goal was so bad that it remains just about the only known instance of the NHL ever coming right out and saying one of its officials screwed up. That play doesn't get anywhere near enough run in the "worst call ever" conversation. Brett Hull and Kerry Fraser and Martin Gelinas were all bad, but none of them ended an entire team.

"Ya gotta suck it up in ovah-time, boys." I really love Boston announcers.

Anyways, the Bruins win to head back home with a 3-1 series lead, the Canadiens are in disarray over Kovalev's boneheaded play, and Boston sportswriters are writing about how this play will live in infamy as the counter to the 1979 too-many-men debacle. Anyone want to guess how the series ends?

Yes, of course, the Canadiens come back to win three straight, and Kovalev had assists on both goals in their 2-0 Game 7 win. As Mike Keenan could tell you, you do not mess with Alexei Kovalev, because he always wins in the end.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com.

DGB Grab Bag: The Bettman Sentence, Russia's List, and NBA Off-Season Jealousy published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv