#I beamed her into Randy's subconscious

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

H2o au, give me strength.

Aka guesswho just figured out how to do read mores in mobile and now tumblr is forever stuck with me rambling merfolk thoughts at 1am isnstead of my poor discord server

Tl;dr: why did they feed the Destroyer humans. Or, you know, just why did they feed the Destroyer. Period. I'm never letting this one go. If it's not a plot hole then the Eridians are so totally not-dead and so totally fucking with us for science.

Also let us team up with the Guardians to take down the Eridians instead of making both of us fight. We're in the same boat here. Let's team up.

I mean, okay, H2o au is slowly being enveloped into canon with every new content drop anyway, so...

Soon.

I guess.

So I am finally. Finally. Done with chappie 5.lovely shit. Means I finally get to work on the. Beyond. Which is just anything past the introductory phase of the black ops squad.

I know chapter 6 will be explaining Barnabas's role in the gang and also bringing Zane into the Black Ops squad that was abandoned by Dahl. And finally getting off Pandora. That's a big one. But after that I want to lead into the Obsidian Black (part 1) and Junpai-7 (with the Pandoran interlude between). But I also want to do the Venus Ambassador arc before both of those, just to solidify everyone as a team. Because it's a good story Brent.

The pronlem: my dumbshit idiot brain is like "OK. Good. But. Consider: Tannis."

Because Tannis is my life of course, I love that crazy binch. So instead of doing literally any of the stuff I need to do to get to rewriting Bl3 and beyond. My brain is: fumk it. You're gonna write beyond Bl3. The Eridian war. Team up the guardians"

Because I'm still kinda salty that the Guardians are just basic bitch mad at humanity. Instead of making the Eridians a parallel to the corporations in universe, and having the Guardians and humanity team up to take them down (which could enforce the whole 'don't get mad at the people the higher ups tell u to be mad at' dealio with corporations and all that. COMMENTARY!). like imagine. Humanity has these corporations. They test on their people. Humanity is a shit show. And then it is revealed that the Eridians are actually testing on humanity. Where is your God now, bitch.

So anyway. I've just been vibing with the Driver and Tannis for a bit. I wanna bring her to Sanc-III but I get the feeling Zane and Moze would both be VERY against that. Plus I don't even think she'd want to leave Junpai-7 since the planet is her testing zone. Her place of power. She's its unseen ruler at this point. Packing up and booking would probably have horrible consequences.

Context: the Driver was tasked with experimenting with new (or alternative) types of Guardians (like a handful of other smart Guardians across the universe were also tasked with). The Overseer tests those new types of Guardians, or pre-existing Guardians, to ensure they're up to the task. The Watcher was supposed to guard Eleseer and the Vault of the Sentinel and look for potential threats, then send the Guardians out to stop them.

I don't know how Scourge fits into this line, but I imagine he is some sort of strict rule follower who got way into his own head and defected from the others.

I mean, not to say the others haven't also corrupted from their thousands of years being stuck in the same mindless job over and over. But Scourge definitely went off the deep end with no new rules to adhere to, since the Eridians abandoned them (again! Think of the parallels, Gearbox! Eridians -> DAHL in BL1!!!). The Overseer is... On the edge, I think. She's definitely trying to escape the job she's stuck in. I think the Watcher is the most stable out of all of them, probably because she has the most 'free reign'.

The Driver is... Bored. Extremely bored. She began testing her limits, playing god with the people of Junpai-7. Using her experiments as her avatars when she could just to see, to get some form of interaction with the world around her. She sort of became like the Eridians in that sense, just on a smaller scale. Also, she'd been micromanaging the planet for so long she figured she had every variable in-check, but she didn't, and now she's obsessed with getting information regarding the things she can't control (friggen humanity).

I think if any one of the Guardians resembles the Eridians the most in this AU, it's her. And when she teams up with the gang to go against the council, they'll probably use that against her.

The difference is she was physically trapped doing her job for thousands of years due to her programming (thanks Eridians). The Eridians chose to do all of this and nobody forced them into this position. They just wanted to see what would happen. This is all an experiment for them to watch >:(. Mayhaps even entertainment.

I will say it 1 billion times: I do NOT trust the Eridians. No sir. Not after Nyriad talked about the Destroyer. Plot holes be damned, that set my alarm bells off so god damn fast. "we had to feed it. We had to feed it humans, specifically. Even though its hunger is endless and feeding it changes literally nothing. And if not feeding it would kill it, that'd be good because we want it dead. But no, let's fed it. Humans. The people we are now asking for help. Yes. Those humans. Even though there are hundreds of other life forms. And also plants. And if it's hunger is endless maybe it will eat rocks, too. All this sand everywhere. But no. Let's just feed it humans."

BULLSHIT. THEY'RE UP TO SOMETHING THOSE DAMN ERIDIANS.

I don't trust like that.

And all the humans depicted in statues and murals everywhere in Vaults that haven't been opened/explored since the Eridians vanished????? Nah. And THE FORGETTING that's completely brushed over??? Nah nah nah. I'M GOOD. these alien binches are so totally up to something.

I don't trust them at fucking all.

Even the Overseer hints at them not actually being fully gone.

So anyway.

H2o au is a way for me to have fun while fixing/rewriting lore and making more lore and also having merfolk in borderlands because. I need it ❤️. I also use it to answer lore questions I have and fix disappointing plot hooks. And it is being unintentionally (I fu king hope) incorporated into canon every time a new dlc drops and they reference something I've written about before.

Is weird.

Kthxbye.

[love-rats]

Jeff the Killer: Re-write

A new house. New friends. A new life to adapt to. When it came down to it, new was all there was in Jeff’s life. 

“Hey, Liu,” Jeff called after his brother. “Wait up!”

Liu turned around, a grin lighting up his boyish features. There always seemed to be a light inside of him, one that Jeff could never match. 

Ever since Jeff was a kid, all that there had been was darkness, utter darkness, consuming him completely. Sometimes, he would lie awake at night, hearing echoes of an inner desire, threatening to snap his sanity. The voices always told him that it would be easier for the string to snap. Better, even. 

For once in Jeff’s thirteen long years, he would be happy. 

But he couldn’t say any of this out loud to his brother. How could he ever understand? Jeff could bet his flimsy string of sanity that Liu had never felt the risk, the joy that resulted from giving in, from becoming something... inhuman. 

So, instead, what he said was: “Are you happy?

He received a baffled glance as an answer. 

Jeff amended, “In our new house, I mean.”

Liu smiled. “If mum’s happy, then I suppose I’m happy.”

If only it was that simple. 

***

If Jeff had to pin down the one day when it all started, it would be this one. The kind of plastic, perfect day when the sun was shining, the razor sharp beams fragmenting the vision of everyone who was unlucky enough to be caught in its path. 

Jeff was trying to unsuccessfully trying to shield his eyes, not even bothering to check beside him for Liu. They had been waiting for the bus for half an hour already. 

“I think we might be a little early,” Liu muttered.

“No shit,” Jeff snickered. “Maybe mum wanted to get us out of the house to do some spring cleaning?”

“Yeah. Have you seen the state of... fuck it! Have you seen the state of everything?”

“Everything?” Jeff was suddenly serious.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean that, Jeff. I’m just so stressed, ugh!”

Jeff looked at his brother. Took in the dark blue circles under his dark blue eyes.

“Maybe you just need some sleep.”

And in Jeff’s voice, there was something rooted deep within, something that Liu couldn’t quite identify, but nevertheless chilled him to the very bones. 

“Well, well, well.”

Jeff turned around at the sound of the smug voice, and immediately wished he hadn’t. A young boy, about thirteen, stood in front of them. His jacket seemed to swallow him whole, and his bike just comically emphasized the boy’s ridiculous smallness. Nevertheless, there was something threatening in the boy’s eyes.

“I’m Randy.” The boy had a ridiculous smirk plastered on his face. “This is Keith. And this is Troy.” Two other boys drew up behind him, and Jeff almost laughed out. Being held up by three dwarfs on their first day in a new town? Sounded about right.

“Okay, now that all the pleasantries are out of the way, I’d like you to hand me your wallet, please.” A psychotic smile spread over his face. “After all, it’s our town. It’s only fair that you pay us. As a token, if you like. Of your thanks.”

Jeff snorted. “Fuck off. I’m not paying you anything.”

Randy’s eyes darkened. “I regret you are mistaken.”

Slowly, leisurely, he took out a knife. “Give me the fucking money.”

Liu’s voice pierced the silence. “He SAID he’s not-”

That was when Randy jumped at Liu, knocking his diminutive form to the ground. The haze descended, and all Jeff could hear was Liu’s screams, the sharp sound of maniacal laughter, and whispers. Always the whispers. For a minute, he was paralyzed. Somehow, he wanted to stay here, trapped in this haze with the string of his sanity so deliciously hanging in front of his eyes. He wanted to sink into this feeling, the bathe in the beautiful screams of the suffering. 

Then, it snapped. 

He felt a face crack beneath his fists, a knife in his hands. The smell of blood on his hands, translating into the scent of power. Randy screaming, oh it was music to his ears. Even when arms dragged him away from the beautiful sight of the boy with a knife in his shoulder, he remembered begging to be left alone with the screams for just a few more minutes.

Maybe he didn’t say it out loud, though. Maybe things would’ve been different if he hadn’t stayed mute as Liu screamed at him. Maybe they would’ve all finally understood. 

But he didn’t.

So, as he ran away from the scene with Liu following suit, he was left to experience the snapping of the string for just a few more minutes. 

***

“What the hell is this, Jeff? What is everyone going to think of me? You’re a selfish, selfish boy! You stabbed him! Stabbed!”

“I did not stab him! It was self defense! He attacked first!” Jeff looked at the police officer with pleading eyes. “You’ve got to believe me!”

The officer sighed. “Look, kid. I feel sorry for you. I do. It’s hard doing my job. Try it some time.” He looked Jeff straight in the eye. “I’m sorry. We have witnesses, son. It’s a year in juvie for you.”

At that moment, Jeff felt his throat close up. He thought he might throw up.

“No!”

Jeff looked up, and standing at the top of the staircase was Liu. “It was me.”

“What? No!” Jeff choked out. “Take it back! Tell them it was me!”

If you looked at Liu from outsider’s perspective, you would see a headstrong young boy. 

But Jeff.

Jeff could see Liu’s bottom lip quivering. He could tell his brother wasn’t as strong as he let on.

“It was me,” Liu repeated. “Take me away.”

The screams. The bitter screams as Liu was bundled into the police car. Jeff didn’t want to sink into these screams. Jeff wanted to undo his existence. He wanted to undo whoever was responsible for this pain.

“I’m sorry I blamed you, Jeff.” His mother put an arm around his shoulder, pulling him to her. As if that was adequate. As if that would put together the string again. 

Nothing on this Earth could ever make him okay again. 

***

“Jeff, please get up.” His mum ceremonially threw open Jeff’s curtains, as Jeff hissed and jumped under his covers. 

“Get the hell out, mum!”

Jeff’s mum looked visibly stunned, but she shook it off and attempted to put on a happy face and cheerful demeanor. Someday, she had thought, Jeff would thank her for this. 

“Don’t be so rude. I’ve got a surprise for you!”

Jeff peeked out from beneath the covers.

“A surprise?”

“We’re going to a party!”

Jeff felt as if he had been punched in the gut.

“After...?”

“Oh, shut up. We all know what happened. Now get ready, we have to go soon.”

As Jeff reluctantly dragged himself out of bed, his mum shouted from down the corridor, “Wear something smart!”

A groan escaped him as he examined his sparse wardrobe. Eventually, he picked out a plain white hoodie and some black trousers.

As he came downstairs, his mum looked at him with visible disgust. 

“You’re wearing that?” She sighed. “Whatever. Let’s go.”

Jeff had never felt Liu’s absence so greatly as he felt in that moment.

***

The person who answered the door was not who Jeff was expecting to be the host of a party that the Woods family would be attending. She was wearing a floor length cherry-red evening gown, and she reeked of falseness and plastic smiles. 

An articifical smile framed her perfect mouth as she ushered Jeff and his mum into the house. 

“The kids are in the back. Make yourself at home,” she smiled at him.

He almost snorted. This place was about as homely as the grand canyon. 

Eventually finding his way through the intimidating maze of the house, he let himself into the back garden, where a bunch of little kids were already engaging in an intense water fight. He almost smiled at the bittersweet scene in front of him. He missed the times when his greatest worry was how much water was in his water gun. 

Briefly, his eyes locked with a raven-haired girl sitting by herself, reading a battered copy of Pride and Prejudice. He cautiously made his way towards her.

“Hey.”

She looked up, and a gentle smile flitted across her face. “Hey. I’m Jane. You’re Jeff, right?”

“That’s me! You’re the only person who’s actually held eye contact with me after what happened. I guess that means we have to be friends now. If you’d like to, I mean.”

She almost blushed. “I’d like that. Anyway, Randy’s an asshole. Served him right.”

He grinned at her. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

Before the silence could get more awkward, a little kid came up to Jeff. “Do you want to pway?”

Jeff laughed. “Oh no-”

Jane giggled. “Go on, Jeff. You know you want to.” Then, to the kids, “He’d love to.”

Jeff glared at her. He stood up. 

And damn it if he didn’t play a game of water fighting with a bunch of little kids. And damn it if he wasn’t smiling, laughing and dripping wet afterwards. 

Was he... momentarily happy?

Suddenly, there was a noise from the other side of the garden. Someone had jumped over the fence, and with a dreadful lurch of his stomach, Jeff knew who it was. 

It was Randy.

Dirt was smeared over his face and his hair stuck out every which way, but deep inside his eyes, there was a madness so deep rooted that you couldn’t separate the madness from him.

It had consumed him, entirely. 

“You’re going to die, Jeff.” He growled, and Jeff could feel every word inside him like a tremor. 

Randy leapt at him as Jeff attempted to run inside, panic fueling his steps. In his peripheral vision, he saw Jane stand up in alarm, but he longer cared. He just needed to run. 

A blow to the side of his head sent him sprawling on the ground. Randy stood over him. 

An ear splitting scream resonated as a vodka bottom smashed over Jeff’s head. Subconsciously, Jeff acknowledged that there was a trickle of blood running down his cheek. Maybe it was this that finally brought him to his senses. Maybe it wasn’t. But all he knew was that the string had been snapped.

There was no going back. 

Punch upon punch rained down on Randy’s face. Jeff gave into the feeling, the desire to sink deeper into the screams, the bathe in the beauty. Bliss overcame him as the one objective rose to his mind: kill. 

Somehow they ended up in the bathroom. Jeff remembered Randy pouring bleach over his head. Suddenly, a knife was in Jeff’s hand, and consequently, power. He knew exactly what he had to do with the slim, ruthless metal object in his hand.

But he stopped. Was Randy... laughing?

“WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT, FUCKER?” Jeff yelled, spittle landing on Randy’s face. And yet still he laughed.

“WHAT’S SO FUNNY?” Jeff shook Randy, over and over again, until his spittle became tinged with red. 

“What’s funny,” Randy croaked. “Is that you’re covered in bleach and alcohol.”

He took out a lighter.

“Go to sleep, motherfucker.”

Flames engulfed Jeff as the screams rose from his lungs, this time his own. How he would’ve loved to have gone to sleep at that moment, if only to be free from all of this. And yet, as the flames licked at him and the unbearable agony took a hold of his brain, the pain finally in control, he remembered thinking, “Go to sleep. I like that.”

Then, mercifully, darkness.

***

Jeff awoke to white.

His mum stood over him, tears of something or other flowing down her cheeks. He found he no longer cared. 

“Jeff! You’re okay,” she sobbed. Jeff just sat there in silence, letting these new sensations flow through him. 

“We were so worried! The good news is, Liu’s been released, because Randy’s friends confessed.”

Liu smiled, and this awoke something in Jeff. A type of hunger. How could Liu ever be happy when the string would never let Jeff be?

Hatred. The gooey, bubbling liquid of hatred engulfed Jeff as he sat there, his eyes wide and unblinking. 

Finally, after what seemed like years, he spoke. 

“Let me see my face.”

The nursed looked up from across the room. “We’ve been advised against it.”

When he spoke again, his low, gravelly voice held a hint of warning. “Let me see my face.”

Cautiously, she handed him a mirror. 

The long white bandages settled in his scarred hands as he unwrapped them from his face. What was once the pure white of material was now soiled with the dark, crimson stains of blood.

He held the mirror up to his face. 

His skin was completely bleached white, and one of his eyes was completely blank and pupil-less. Pink scars crisscrossed over the leathery monstrous map of his face. His bloodshot eyes stared back at this stranger, and slowly, and psychotic grin spread over his face.

“Hey. Jeff. It’s not that bad...”

“Not that bad? Are you kidding? I’m beautiful!”

Liu stared at this monster that had stolen the identity of his brother, and he felt his blood run cold. Jeff continued laughing. 

“My face goes perfectly with me! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

A shaky voice pierced the silence that ensued. “Nurse... is my son... you know, alright in the head?”

I’ve never been, mother, Jeff thought. You just haven’t noticed. And you’ll pay for this. 

“Oh yes, it’s completely normal. He should be fine in a couple of days...”

He drowned the nurse out. Finally, he was beautiful. Finally, he was pure. Finally, he was free. 

“I’m so beautiful! HAHAHAHA!”

***

Jeff’s mum awoke in the middle of the night to sound of noises form the bathroom. It sounded almost like crying. Jeff was sitting in front of the bathroom mirror, bloodstained tears running down his face. His leathery skin was so vulnerable, so white. So pure. God, he couldn’t stop smiling. 

The bathroom door creaked open. Jeff’s mum gasped at the sight in front of her. 

Jeff had cut slits into both of his cheeks, in a wide, leering, grotesque smile. 

“Jeff...” Her voice was a mere whisper. “What did you do?”

“Aren’t I beautiful, mum? I couldn’t stop smiling. It hurt after a while. So I cut a smile into my face.”

“And... your eyes...” she stammered. His eyes were rimmed in black, seemingly never closing. 

“I burnt my eyelids off. Now I can look at my face all day.”

Jeff took a step towards her, bloodied knife in hand.

“Aren’t I beautiful?”

“Y-yes, of course you are, honey, put the knife down-”

“Oh, so now you tell me I’m beautiful when I hold a knife to your throat? You should’ve told me earlier, mum. You should’ve realized I was suffering and saved me.” For a moment, sadness danced in his eyes, but then it was extinguished. “IT’S TOO LATE! BUT NOW YOU THINK YOU CAN BEG FOR MY FORGIVENESS?”

He smiled, his artificial grin increasing in diameter. 

“Go to sleep.”

With that, he stabbed her straight in the heart. The blood gushed out of the wound, warm and wet and alive. He reached into the cavity of her chest and pulled her heart out, like a prize, and leisurely licked his hands. His former mother’s eyes were blank and unseeing, but as the life drained from her pale face, he felt a joy grow in his own heart, like a cancer. 

Liu was sleeping in his room. He heard a faint movement, and as his eyes fluttered open, two black-rimmed, familiar eyes gazed down at him. 

“Shhh.” Jeff whispered. “Go to sleep.”

[javondo]

Self Encapsulation

The hall closet, the one at the back of the house, not the coat closet near the front door, had always been locked, ignored, not even acknowledged, except when Pamela, as child, touched it. Jiggling the doorknob, she wasn’t even trying to open it, the doorknob was the only cold thing in the dry summer heat, had earned her a wooden spoon across the knuckles when she was four. By the time she was seven, six lashes with the coil of clothes- line kept in the middle drawer in the kitchen for doing her best to open the door, caught trying to get the key, frozen fast, back out of the cold lock and onto its hook, made sure she never touched it again. Even when passing by it a short arc would be subconsciously introduced into her path. She didn’t know she was doing it. Everyone did it, the others never even needed a smack.  

But now, standing in front of that same door, her knuckles and the back of her legs tingling, she had to open it.

When her youngest sister, Denise, showed up on the front porch with her three nieces, that was fine. The steak house she managed had been shut down, they could all sleep in the big room upstairs, and none of them had a fever. And Denise knew Pamela wasn’t good with company.

Joel knew it, too, that’s why her siblings let her keep the house after Mom died, but he didn’t care. Upon learning Denise was back in the house, he rolled up in his battered Camry demanding equal treatment and his old room back until the lockdown ended and he was back on his feet. As if an itinerant signwriter and knife sharpener ever had feet to stand upon.  

Eight hours behind Joel, just as Pamela was thinking she might get to bed, Linda arrived. Randy, her husband, was drunk when he got out of the car. He’d been drinking the whole way from Pennsylvania, across three states and a timezone. He complained loudly about being put in the den on the sofa bed. Linda tried to shush him, but his voice got louder and his face redder until Joel called him out to the backyard, to the rickety grey picnic table at the edge of the floodlight, where he was sitting with a bottle of Jim Beam and flicking cigarette butts into the darkness.

Pamela’s quiet house was gone. Its nightly serenade of creaks and cracks, its sweet and calming whispers when the wind rose, were drowned out by arguments, thumping footsteps, the constant exercise of the plumbing, one-sided phone conversations, children whining, crying. She started scratching again, the same spot on the side of her leg. Sleep was the meagre hours between Randy’s final urination, amplified by bathroom tiles and the wall cavities, his deep throaty hawking of phlegm, and Denise’s girls opening Youtube on their mother’s phone.

At least Joel and Randy were eager to go to the store. But all they seemed to buy was beer, toilet paper and meat. Then they’d sit at the kitchen table, drinking the beer, waiting for someone, usually Linda, to cook the meat, while they agreed how much bullshit the whole situation was.

On the second morning, just before lunch, Pamela was in there with them, chopping carrots while her lentils soaked. Linda was frying steak with onions. Denise was sitting at the table, a mug of coffee on the corner away from the men.

“I reckon it’s time to sell this old heap,” said Joel. “It would be the fair thing to do.”

“Fair?” said Denise. They all had a lifetime of dealing with Joel’s golden boy, only boy bullshit, but Denise was always the first to call it out.

“Pam doesn’t need a house this size. And with the corona, we’re all hurting. And you know it’s just going to get worse.”

The knife nearly went into Pamela’s finger.

“We already got our money,” said Denise. “It’s not Pam’s fault we couldn’t hold onto it.”

“But it’s our family’s house,” said Joel. “It’s not fair that it’s all hers.”

“Are you okay, Pam?” said Linda.

Pamela wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve.

“It’s the onion, that’s all,” she said, cutting through its brown skin.

“What you oughta do,” said Randy scratching his belly under his shirt, “is get a mortgage on this place. Unlock the equity. Split it four ways, but keep a little to repaint the place, fix a few things, re-sod the yard, put it up on AirBnB and then bang, you’ve got yourselves an income stream.”

She couldn’t see much as she ran from the kitchen, but she didn’t miss Joel rubbing his chin and nodding at Randy.

The afternoon saw Joel and Randy walking around, tapping on timbers, pointing out flaking paint and gaps in floorboards. Pamela had to shift her nieces away from the closet door. They were taking turns holding the cold doorknob and marvelling at it. No-one was smacked or lashed.  All it took was a tube of cookie dough waved like a flag in front of them and they followed her away from it and into the kitchen.

Joel and Randy spent the evening outside at the picnic bench, making up numbers and then spending them.

Denise was dismissive, but Linda kept quiet. Pamela was waking up with her leg bleeding and the fingernails of her left hand dirty with dried blood.

Denise kept telling her to ignore the men and their dumb talk. She did try, but when Denise was out walking with the girls Joel bullied her into showing him the paperwork for the house. It was still in the folder with the will. He scooped it all up and walked out of her room with it, saying he wanted to read it and would bring it back.

She wasn’t stupid, just scared. Then, while shaking out the kitchen trash can into the wheelie bin, a singed scrap of paper fluttered out and landed on a smattering of potato peels, a fair attempt at her signature scrawled and looped upon it.

She went inside and, after undoing ribbons, eyeglass chains, and rubber bands, she lifted the key to the closet off its hook.