#I can't do fuck all either cuz I'm so exhausted but can't get any fucking sleep cuz I can barely breathe (too much snot not a lung issue)

[leeblissy]

hi I'm home sick with covid, am probably not getting paid for my time off, and have had to order quite a bit of food cuz I don't feel well enough to make anything o/-< it's getting very expensive very fast and I don't have much money left, plus the money im losing out on from not working is gonna fucking suck.

I can't draw anything rn cuz my apple pencil doesn't work and I'm just so so exhausted anyway but here's my kofi and my v*nmo is herecomeslee if you wanna help a guy out

[irisintheafterglow]

Hello!! Hope you’re well :) I absolutely love the way you write zoro ..!!! 🫶 you write him perfectly 💞 it brings a lot of comfort !

If your requests are open, is it okay to ask for a short fic or a headcannon list (however you wanna write it!) of zoro and a sad drunk reader? Like, they don’t drink a whole lot, only cuz they don’t trust them selves with it.. but they’re so comfortable with him they give it a try- to both of their surprises, there’s lots of… drunk crying and blabbles… how would zoro react to that?

Hope it’s not to much - thank you and stay awesome, don’t forget to take care of you and thanks for all the great fics you write 🫶💚

...but you can make me a drink

cw: swearing, alcohol, angst and feelings but mostly fluff

note: thank you so much for the love aww <33 this is so cute and i had so much fun writing this. i'm so glad you like my zoro stuff, i hope you like this too!

likes, reblogs, and replies are always appreciated <3 thank you for your support!

"i really don't remember the last time i was this wasted."

"you're wasted already? that didn't take very long," you giggle deliriously, stretching out on the ledge of zoro's window with a dangerously sweet bottle of bad ideas in your hand. "here i thought the great pirate hunter was a heavyweight."

"i am," he protests from across from you, eyelids heavy and struggling to stay awake. "i just got outclassed." his admission sends another wave of tired chuckles through your body and you take another sip of your drink. "you doing okay?"

"i'm good. thank you for helping me with this." your eyes meet his over the rim of your bottle and you swear his ears turn the slightest shade of pink. "i really appreciate it, more than you'll ever know."

"it's whatever. you know i like any excuse to drink my problems away," he drawls absentmindedly. "plus, if it means you finally stop working your ass off, that's a bonus." it was his idea to have a drink together after a particularly taxing mission, one where alcohol was calling your name but you didn't have the courage to drink in front of your friends just yet. the last time you drank until you blacked out like your crewmates wanted to do, you ended up in some very sticky situations that you never wanted to risk getting into again. so, when zoro suggested that you have a drink with only him where he could keep an eye on you, it seemed like a good idea.

it was a good idea, until the tears started flowing.

"you know, i haven't felt this comfortable with anyone since i left my old crew," you admit, already feeling the long-repressed emotions starting to bubble to the surface.

"why not?"

"it's what i've learned. no one, no matter how many promises they make, is ever permanent. i've learned to live with that, but it doesn't mean it hurts less when you do end up losing them." you don't register your face becoming wet until he reaches out and wipes a stray tear from your cheek, forcing you to look up at him. he'd never looked so beautiful. "i hope i never lose you," you whisper and his eyes can't seem to find a place to focus on your face.

"i hope i never lose you, either," he says just as softly. his eyebrows furrow slightly as you continue to cry in his room, against his hand, while wearing his clothes. neither of you anticipated a night of drinking to end in so many emotions; yet, he couldn't think of any other place he'd rather be than with you so close. "it's fucking exhausting, isn't it?"

"mhmm," you agree, dabbing the corner of his eye with your sleeve to catch some more unexpected tears. "we can't make any promises, can we?"

"nope, but i can make you another drink."

"sounds amazing. help me forget this ever happened, zoro?"

"i'll do anything you require of me, sweetheart."

if you enjoy my writing and would like to support me, you can buy me a coffee on my ko-fi! you can also check out my full masterlist here :)

[alexxncl]

‼️NIGHTBRINGER HDD CH. 2 SPOILERS‼️

masterlist | events | ch. 1 | ch. 3

leave it to me to make everything angsty

i'm a mammon shooter til i die

all he wants is to be rich (obv) and appreciated by his brothers :(

it seems as though he feels like they see him as a joke or as someone they can't look up to. like yes he's immature at times and a bit of an airhead but he means well. most of the time. but even still, he's a good big brother. i wish the devs touched on that side of him more, and i wish his brothers expressed their appreciation towards him in a way that isn't immediately followed by either a backhanded compliment or an outright insult

like yes, it's clear they love him and he loves them. but it's gotta be exhausting on both ends, especially if you're on the receiving end and constantly being (sometimes affectionately) shit on as someone who's already doubtful of their significance to their family and friends' lives

i'm lowkey surprised it was just levi and not lucifer there too...maybe it's bc he knows he's lucifer's favorite deep down and doesn't need it to be reiterated in his ideal world

attic club sandwich...get it? cuz you're sandwiched between...but also...

...i'm sorry. moving on

NEVERMIND NO MOVING ON WHY ARE THEY BOOTY BUTTERBALL ASS NAKED ????? i get that beel loves having his titties out but i did nawt need to be jumpscared like that

satan vehemently denying asmo being his favorite brother and then asmo appearing first in his dream world is PEAK sibling shit

i love them

also asmo's little bow having a mix of pink and green in his ideal world ??? reminiscent of asmo painting his nails pink and green for satan irl ???? SOBS the brothers ever

and lucifer also being there :((((

oh baby 😭 him and mams really just want acceptance and the ability to indulge in what makes them happy

"i couldn't be more proud" :((((( he's already proud of you

i wanna kiss him on the forehead and tell him he's doing a great job

PLEASEEEEEE not luci just wants to fuck on peace 😭 are we sure asmo's the avatar of lust bc lucifer is always on demon time (no pun intended)

like he's arguably the horniest out of all of them.

"business as usual" is a CRAZY thing to say when witnessing a dream of propositioning and borderline foreplay in front of your man's brother /hj

fym "hush-hush" ?? horny yandere type shit. doesn't he have any other friends ??? /j

ig sorcerers can be on demon time too. we love to see it

i hate an ass kissing tsundere...BE UPFRONT

it makes me sad that the only interactions we have with them are side stories or hard lessons or devilgram, like just make them a part of the main cast atp. the devs have to know that everyone wants it

my beloved girlfriend giving me advice for a long journey

MAKE HER DATEABLE OR SO HELP ME

oh :(

simeon makes me so sad. so unbelievably sad. i just want him to be happy

ik he regrets not falling with the brothers, and he beats himself up about it constantly. it's why he helped them during the war. i already went on a tangent about his struggle to pick a side before the war here but GOD it still hurts reading this

barbatos' ideal world revolving around diavolo is unsurprising, but also very telling of his character. he's so focused on everything and everyone around him, making sure space-time stays stable, that he doesn't have time to think about anything but that. not even when it pertains to himself and his happiness

barbatos' happiness revolves around fulfilling his duties as butler/subordinate, but also making sure he stays sane long enough to ensure that the instability and semi unpredictability of time itself doesn't prevent diavolo's wishes from coming true

[polyhexian]

runaway!Darius taking care of Jasper after everything's been handled and they're all safe and able to live their lives.

Jasper didn't get to be a person before he disappeared, and there's an argument to be had that parents in general don't really get to be people either lol, and he's spent a decade as a parent in a dire situation who's consistently been putting his son first--as any good parent should, but that still takes a toll.

So he has all these habits and behaviors that he doesn't even notice, but Darius does. And Darius does his best to just kinda…help Jasper see how unnecessary all that is now.

Like they'll be eating dinner together, and Jasper just keeps taking food from his plate and putting it on Hunter's. Hunter either doesn't notice cuz Jasper does it while he's not looking, or he does notice but thinks nothing of it cuz his dad does that kind of thing all the time. But Darius sees it, and Darius casually takes another helping of food from the serving bowl and puts it on Jasper's plate, and Jasper just blinks at it, nonplussed.

Hunter needs new clothes and Jasper goes to get him things that are several sizes too big so he'll be able to wear them longer as he grows into them. And Darius is like, okay, sure, I can make adjustments to tuck away the excess fabric until we can let it out as he grows, but also we could just get him things that fit, and when he outgrows them we can buy him more. And Jasper is like, oh. yeah. I guess we could.

Hunter gets a nasty fever and Jasper is agitated because his brain is itching to DO SOMETHING, that's the way it's always been, he always has to DO SOMETHING when this sort of thing happens, staying with his sick child is a luxury they've never been able to afford, he either needs to go find potion ingredients or figure out how to make some snails quick, he can't just do nothing--except he can, because Darius already got medicine, and the ingredients for soup, and has arranged for a healer to make a house visit. All Jasper needs to do is stay at Hunter's bedside. He doesn't need to do anything else. He can just be there for his kid.

It's like, you mentioned that Darius realizes that the reason Jasper didn't go to him for help earlier is because deep, deep down, he's not sure if he can trust Darius. And Darius is going to do whatever it takes to make Jasper see that he can trust him. And yeah, the big thing is taking care of Hunter while Jasper's MIA. But afterwards it's all these little things too, Darius taking care of things and doing everything he can to make Jasper's life easier than it's ever been. You don't have to stay up all night on lookout, or buy the cheapest option available, or worry about where your next meal's coming from, or make any of those other sacrifices, big or small, that over the years have added up to dark eye circles and malnourishment and exhausted hypervigilance. I'm here, and I'm already taking care of it. And if you want to help you can, but you don't have to. I know you're used to doing this all by yourself, but you're not alone anymore, and I'm going to help you. You can trust me. Please trust me.

Eeeeeeee 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 yes. Yes yes yes. Darius has just adopted this kid!!! He can take care of him now too! The best thing you can do for him now is take care of yourself! Get some fucking sleep! Eat some food! Get some hobbies! BE a person so you can be a dad and not just your kids bodyguard!

[kart0]

meds update plus rant: day 20

almost 3 weeks guys ! I'm doing it !! I need to schedule an appointment cuz I only have 10 pills left oof

hmm...folks, not gonna lie... these few days have been tough.. I started becoming more and more frustrated cuz I felt like they weren't working ( days 16-18 ) and my mom also asked me a few days ago "so... Dani... have you been feeling better ?" in which I replied "nope" and she asked "do you feel any different at all ?" and also again "nope"

btw it's not PMS lmao I swear

and then I got even more upset that, maybe I might just be undiagnosed with adhd ? cuz I'm still struggling with doing tasks, procrastinating, forgetting stuff, getting overwhelmed easily, getting angry easily. I had to change my bed sheets and I really started crying. I am so tired.. and it's hard to change the sheets cuz of my mattress and the shape of my bed and also I have to fold and put the comforter a certain way and its not exactly a simple and fast task and it can mess up the sheets and make everything look and feel wonky and... like fr I am not exaggerating... and then also I just. started going on a spiral yet again :(

I feel so insecure and I just wanna cry all the time. because I'm so tired. I keep forgetting or procrastinating to fix my sleep schedule. it's 2am rn...

I feel horrible with my appearance, I hate my face and my body, I hate everything about how I look. and I feel very ugly all the time, I'm too self conscious and too self aware of my surroundings and I can't never relax... don't slouch, don't show your teeth when speaking or smiling, don't move your head too much, don't touch your hair, don't stand this way it makes you look weird. I'm exhausted, why can't I just accept how I look...

I feel dumb, and untalented. I feel lazy, and stupid, because I keep seeing people around me succeed and I can never do that. yes I am fucking envious of people. no I do not wish them bad things but all I can think about is.. that could've been me if I had tried harder. if I had tried enough. if I forced myself to do it.

and it's taking such a toll on me rn I feel stupid and dumb and lime a failure.

I'm frustrated cuz I can't improve my artstyle either, nor my poses or composition. my art is so repetitive and unoriginal, and uncreative. predictable. forgettable.

boring.

n also, no one fucking interacts with me on twitter and I don't blame them cuz I never post art, not interact with them, and all I ever do is cry and vent like a fucking loser. who wants to read this shit anyways. but what makes it worse is that I'm currently at my peak, I have never had this much followers ever. and I know it doesn't mean worth but I can't seem to change this mindset

which makes me feel like such an imposter... how can I have this many followers when I don't post shit. when my art is shit. when I am a shit person. why are they following me, I don't deserve anything. and now it's even more pressure I want them to be happy I want them to not see how much of a loser I really am.

and I just. I don't know. I could do such great things. I know I have the talent. I know I am smart. but why can't I just be better, use my time more wisely, and improve myself. I am such a waste. that's how I feel most of the time, I'm wasting myself, wasting my time, my parents money. I'm so tired of being stupid and not doing what I have to do just cuz I don't want to do it.

it's a bad bad bad day and week. I guess this is the confirmation that the meds aren't working, or haven't started working yet. I just want to die

[sharksa-shivers]

o wowie, a rare Roomies post at 2 in the morning lol

(thinking of Roomies shit and stuff)

Axel:(watching a show)……..What kind of gigantic idiot would get their ex's name tattooed on themselves?

Skylar:(In the background, drinking some, hears that and proceeds to take off his shirt, showing his 'Alyssa' tattoo, calling to Axel)ME, I WOULD, I'M THE GIGAMORON THAT DID AND I'LL NEVER REGRET IT EITHER!!!!!! ------------------------------------------- (Context is Skylar is talking about how he's not sure he can be a musician with how little streaming he's getting.)

Axel:(trying to be supportive)Well…….I…I know making music is what you're good at and wanna do butttttt have you ever considered maybe any other fields in entertainment maybe?

Skylar:(sidegazes, confused)…….No, i…Like what?

Axel:(suggesting after a moment)…I think you're pretty funny, maybe a comedian or something?

Skylar:(takes that in, thinking before responding)……..I feel like i'd probably be shit at that cuz my life is so shitty that I'm a joke. (Sips beer, stops)…….Or would you be a better comedian if YOU were the joke? I…Shit, i dunno actually…

-------------------------------------------

(FINALLY…Some Skaxel content lmao.)

(We see Skylar and Axel getting a stage set for one of Skylar's shows and they're setting shit up…While doing this though, they end up getting into an argument lol.)

Skylar:(pissy, irritated)No, I'M stronger then you are.

Axel:(amused by Skylar's delusions, smirking)Yeahhhhh, no. I'm stronger. Like…It's not even a contest, it's just a fact that i'm stronger then you are.

Skylar:(tail swishing in anger)No you aren't!!!!(looks around, noticing the smaller amps nearby, grins, trying to prove himself right)Yknow what? PROVE IT. Can you pick up that amp on your own? There's another one over there, i'll pick up that one and PROVE I'M RIGHT!!!!!

Axel:(amused further by Skylar walking the fuck into this shit, agrees)Yknow what? Sure, i'd love to watch you humiliate yourself.

Skylar:(moving over to the amp, glaring)Bitch, i swear to fuck-

Axel:(smirking, knowing how this is gonna go)Cmon then! Let's do it! Cmon!

Skylar:(pissed)Fine!!! I will!!! Now!!!

(Skylar and Axel both pick up the amps, Skylar immediately struggling heavily with the task while Axel picks it up pretty easily and just stands there with a shiteating smirk as Skylar glares, trying to hold it…Skylar finally can't do it anymore within a frame of about 20 seconds and has to put it down, Axel still just smirking smuggly and then carefully and easily putting it down himself.)

Skylar:(more pissed now, glaring as he's trying to breath, that shit taking alot out of him)……Shut up!!!! How the hell did you do that??? How the hell are you stronger then me???

Axel:(amused, showing and patting his bicep)I mean, going to the gym pretty frequently does help me keep and maintain these. Being pretty active like all my life's helped alot with that too.

Skylar:(gay tired frustrated staring at Axel's arm, panting still)………Your muscles would be hotter if i wasn't so fuckin pissed right now, goddamnit…(flops down on the ground, exhausted from that)I need to rest a minute, jesus, that zapped my energy dry…

Axel:(snickering, amused)Good to know you still think i'm hot though when you're pissed off…I'll keep that in mind…(moving back to what he was doing)Hey, can't rest all day though, needa keep working if you wanna perform later…

Skylar:(shrugs it off, annoyed still)Yeah yeah yeah, i'm aware…Ughhhhh… ------------------------------------------- (We see Skylar and Axel both cuddling with each other. Axel is looking at shit on his phone while Skylar has his head on Axel's chest, watching Axel scroll through twitter when Skylar says something)

Skylar:(amused)Man…Like you're comfy to lay on and all that shit but uhhhh…

Axel:(confused)What…?

Skylar:(rolling over on his back, his tail flicking as he talks, smartass grin)Made it sound like you had more muscle here but nah, it's all fuckin floof. Just fuckin floof!

Axel:(awkward, trys to fight back)No it's not, i'm not that floofy…

Skylar:(he sits up then rolls over, staring Axel in the eyes as Axel is forced to stare at him, grins)Hey…I never said floof was a bad thing…If it was, i probably woulda(runs fingers through his mohawk)Shaved this shit off a long ass time ago…But nah, i like that fluffy shit my guy…(he flops down, his face in Axel's chest, voice muffled by Axel as he wraps his arms around his bf)Fuckin cozy as fuck…

------------------------------------------- (And gayass drama shit idea idk hecc. Idk the context either really, i just had these lines in my head, probably something involving Axel's aceness)

Axel:(a bit upset as Skylar drives, looking over at him)……So like…Are you dating Alyssa then because she's giving you what i can't or??? Like…(tearing up some)Am i that fucking useless to you or?

Skylar:(getting upset too, his hands shaking on the steering wheel out of anxiety and emotions)Axel, no, i…Fuck, no. I'm dating both of you because I LOVE BOTH OF YOU.

Axel:(upset)Do you? Do you because like-(stumbling to form his thoughts right, interenalized aphobia speaking)I-I-I know how you are!!! Me and you are complete opposites!!! And i fucking know you still want that from me, you do, i KNOW you want to fuck me!!! And i seriously just like…Wonder like…Would you even still be dating me if Alyssa wasn't there to do what i can't??? Like??? (mental breakdown occuring)I fucking feel so goddamn broken when i see you 2 so happy and i'm stuck here doing bare minimum shit with you because of my goddamn asexuality, because i can't fucking make you happy like that!!! I can't fucking deal with that shit like she can!!!!

Skylar:(upset, trying to defend himself and help Axel)Fucking, i would be still dating you because i fucking love you!!!!! I do!!!! I fucking do!!!!! (Axel's gaze locked on him as he tries to explain)It's different in more ways with me and Alyssa then just fucking that okay? I am not fucking just dating Alyssa because of that shit…Both of you have been so different to be with and it's one of the fucking things i love. Every day is just different shit…And i'll fucking tell you this, i didn't even fucking think Alyssa was even gonna come back, i fucking thought i'd never fucking see her again. Relatable Axel, i fucking know that feel... -------------------------------------------

Today i give you a small thing. Tomorrow? Who knows... Anyway, just cuz i don't post alot bout em doesn't mean they cease to exist, i'm sure i'll do more stuff with em over time but rn, my focus is on Kidnapped sinceeeeeeeeee i have that alot more planned out... BUT THESE GAYS WILL BE HERE STILL...WAITING FOR THEIR MOMENTS...

I honestly don't have as much stuff bout these guys so that's part of why i don't post alot bout em...That's whyyyyyyyy they are side series lol... But i love these derpos, had em since high school lol :p

ALSO...AS A NOTE: Skylar-Very allo and vulger wowie surprise surprise... Axel-Very asexual They make it work tho cuz love finds a way and Skylar cares more bout Axel's comfort then anything else so yeah... Also also: Roomies is more chill vs Kidnapped too, uhhhh, no demons trying to mass murder here lol, just idiots bein lil shits and whatnot in Roomies...It's less serious but it defs has it's serious moments too...

[madara-fate]

This will be a very out of nowhere vent so I'm sorry in advance if it's out of line. Feel free to delete/not address it if it makes you uncomfortable. You mentioned in one of your asks that this fandom is aggravating and I just... have to agree so much.

Referring to twitter at least, cuz that's a cesspool and a half, but as an SS fan there's never a bigger and more resounding disappointment than Sakura stans (and yes, those are two different fandoms, despite that fact that some lump them entirely together; sometimes they do intersect, sasusaku are sometimes inherent Sakura and Sasuke fans, but not all Sakura stans are fellow sasusakus, etc.). And I don't just mean because of the fact that, those that pretend to like SS, in their effort to stand up for Sakura they treat Sasuke as some incapable hobo that should have been grateful that Sakura stood by him and whatever else, because that deserves its own separate thing.

What I mean is more just... these people are constantly fighting with idiots every single day about the same things with the same arguments over and over and over again, and for what. The way they are at it so fervently you'd think Sakura herself would pop out of the screen somehow and give them a standing ovation. News flash, she isn't real, she doesn't give a fuck, she won't thank you for your service and you will never change people's minds when they're ignorant as fuck and can't read a single line of text with the proper takeaway. All you're doing is making the space negative for everyone. All these arguments, all this crap, it's 20 years expired, we all know what these characters are about, and the people you think you're miraculously gonna enlighten by fighting them day in and day out now, have had 20 years to do that and haven't, nor will they still.

Idiots kept saying our fandoms were the worst because they were stupid, but somehow everyone decided to actually give them a reason to say that now because Sakura stans are everywhere all the damn time ready to drop the same essays and lame insults on anyone within range who can't activate their sole braincell. Because "now we're done and we're taking no shit", tell you what, that's why the block button exists. This fandom is so insecure and toxic it's off putting, so threatened by every braindead out there who has something mean to say about a character that's not even real, what does defending a fictive character all the damn time even get you, are you not exhausted. We have nothing to prove to anyone ever, none of this is real, SS is canon, that enough has those idiots rolling in their graves, and yet the fandom just collectively decided to unironically give them the time of day and resort to reverse uno harassment and acting like they've done something. This is just pathetic and makez everyone who actually wants to enjoy their time here and gush about ships and characters and plot feel miserable.

We could all talk about SS fucking, or alternatively either Sakura or Sasuke fucking whomever else cuz none of this is real and y'all can actually ship whatever you want, even more ships at the same time, but no, y'all really wanna be there arguing with idiots who only understand media in terms of punchy-punchy-boom explosions and powerscaling, and even then they can't get it right, and alienate everyone who doesn't want to partake in this toxic, pointless crap, cuz that just makes so much sense.

I won't comment on this, but I feel that it's something that won't do any harm in making public. It's an understandable vent.

[justisaisfine]

So I’ve been infodumping on @today-only-happens-once and huuuh here y’all go, some Sanders bros angst started by this pic:

Coughromancough

Logan and Virgil take more from their mom

(the trial was a pretty public spectacle, yeah? Or not so much?

Cuz like, if it was, I could imagine someone pointing out the family resemblances online and one or more of the boys finding it and. oof.)

Very public

I talk a lot about the mom but like

Roman’s dad was Bad esp with roman

Like;;; he was bad in a very psychological way like threatening him and then doing things but then turning around like “well would you rather I do it to the others?”

“Keep your mouth shut” type of deals

SO LIKE AT THE TRIAL

TO HAVE TO SEE HIM AGAIN AND TO BRING ALL THISE BAD SHITS TO LIGHT-

Mostly the bros didn’t know shit about this right

And Virgil was too young to remember late nights when their dad would come in his and Roman’s room right

And their dad knows Virgil is right there too and he uses that against Roman so so much

(Of freaking course he does. the boys find out when Roman testifies I assume?? Or nah?)

He never talked about it before that

To the point of repressed memories

But with the trial and seeing him again and it’s like Flooding back in

Oh man it makes the other bros sick and Mad and like So guilty in a way because dad always used them as an excuse to get to Roman right

And it’s like finding out someone you didn’t like in your family is Actually Deranged

And it’s that weird sort of dirty feeling of being associated with him

And Kind of being the reason those stuff happened(in their heads at least- because brains are hard sometimes)

(like. maybe this is odd but conversations later that night after Roman's testimony between Thomas and Logan. Maybe where Logan like, wants to check up on him? Because he knows that was rough? But he tells himself he doesn't know Roman's emotional state (and that's part of it) but its also a bit of that feeling of guilt and like, "maybe Roman blames me and even though I know it's irrational to think that I can't shake the feeling of guilt" so he texts Thomas with a "how is he?"(

(And maybe eventually Thomas would ask Logan "did you know?" (because Thomas certainly didn't, right? and he wants to look out for Roman's bros as well as Roman and hearing that for the first time was hard for him so he can't imagine what it might've been like to hear it for the first time and be his brother))

Logan is so split in his feelings about this because on one hand yes guilt and urgh but on the other Hand They Had. A Deal Roman!! We talk about stuff!!! We’re there for each other roman!!!!

Ohhho h man and like Logan knows he shouldn’t but he feels kind of sad and betrayed at being left in the dark about this issue because they’re the big brothers, they have each other’s backs they tell each other everything! Ahhhh

(did any of the bros ask the other non-Roman bros if they knew? Like, did Patton ask logan "did you know about this??" And Logan's just lost and angry is like "no. I didn't.")

And they’re all low key mad too because Roman was always like shouldering all those responsibilities because they “had it worst than him” (even if they’d still argue that he got fucked in the head anyways lbr)

But now they find this out and it’s like !!!? “You Needed protection Too Roman holy fuck”

They’re (well Patton and Logan- Virgil wouldn’t have heard about it since he’s away and only gets snippets of the trial from Patton) immediately on him the moment they come back home the day of

And Patton’s downright sobbing by then and has been holding back in the car ride back but man

It’s finding out the person you always thought to be so strong and you look up to- to see him break down like that scared him

ESP for Patton, gosh he’s been so so bad in his head during the trial and now this on top of it all he is not okay my dude

But he asks Roman if they can stay together for the night and they both don’t know if they’re holding the other to comfort or be comforted but ahhh

(do thomas and roman ever talk about that particular aspect of it all?)

Yeah, tho it’s not a nice talk either

Roman’s still halfnin denial

And half just wanting the whole thing to be over already so sue him for lashing out

He feels too exposed and vulnerable and raw, he’s exhausted and spread too thin the poor boy

So maybe concerned worried questions feel like probing and maybe he just wants to go back to forgetting but man

(so he lashes out against Thomas? does Thomas kinda snap back/him out of the denial? Or does he just kinda take it?)

It’s a tight spot for Thomas cause like

Sure he said he’ll be there for them but what if he’s overstepping? And he can see Roman’s at his limits and probably really just needs support right now not more questioning and digging

CAUSE THomas can tell man those are some deep down repressed feelings and trauma it’s not good to not talk about it

So yeah he takes it- it doesn’t last long anyways, Roman’s no the rough type, and then it’s mostly Roman begging to not talk about it for a bit

Roman really fucking needs a break

Everyone is under a lot of stress and it’s messy

(lkdsjfksdlj I just. Lowkey wondering about like, Roman saying something like "Dammit, Thomas, will you stop with the cross examination?" and Thomas trying to be like "I'm trying to help, Roman" and Roman being like "well you're not! I don't need you to question me or badger me or--"

Cue thomas interrupting with "then what DO you need from me?" because he doesn't know what to do, really and like.

Maybe Roman kinda whirls around to face him and (maybe he's teary a lil???) and is like. "I just. need you to hold me" OR MAYBE THAT'S WILDLY INACCURATE I just love roman/thomas in your au okay im weak for it)

YEAH

So he tries and he’s seen them do this for so long they Talk a lot about stuff so he tries and most days it’s okay it works but man this new thing that’s just too much for Roman right now

And like that’s that right there right? Roman not only allowing himself to be vulnerable but to actively seek out Thomas to be there for him

And it’s not like with patton cause even there he was also trying to comfort pat and hold him

But with Thomas he’s just,,

[chaos-and-cookies]

I can't sleep so i guess i gotta get this off my chest or else I'm just going to continue to be seething in it.

So if u don't know by now atm im in Trinidad and so far, much like last time i was here when i was a chid, the experience has been shit for me because my family members seem to collectively hold 5 whole brain cells and need to take turns using them. I'll just do this by a night/day scale to tell how my personal experience has been.

Night 1) finally arrive after 15 fucking hours of traveling. Flight 1 from ny to miami was shit and on a plane that was not made with humans in mind and flight 2 kept having the fucking gates changed then had 2 delays, 1 delay being an hour and a half long WHILE WE WERE ON THE FUCKING PLANE. When we got there at 1am (we left our house in NY at 10:30am so this is 1am the next day) we were told no one had food/no one cooked, so we had airport KFC for what was basically our first meal of the entire fucking day and ngl it wasnt bad because it wasnt american so it wasn't covered in 10 gallons of grease and is actually halal?? Once my uncle drove us to his house everyone was getting ready to leave for Jouvert(?) Some kinda night festival the sunday night/monday morning before carnival that goes from 2am to like 10am but i said fuck that idec I'm exhausted im going to sleep. My mom basically said the same thing and we showered and attempted to sleep but the music the neighbors were blasting and upset animals were so loud we literally couldn't even try to sleep either. It wasn't til things finally calmed down around like fuckin 8/9am that i was able to sleep.

Day 1) after sleeping for only a few hours because my mom claimed there was things to do or we could go shopping or something i got up around 2/3 i think, and waited for my cousin Celine (the one closest to age as me) to come to my uncle's house to do something. My mom wanted me to eat and there wasnt much in the house and we both wanted trini food but my uncle kept claiming that its carnival Monday so everything is closed so heres day 2 of eating fast food, KFC again. Me, my cousin, and my uncle go grab kfc again and then a few hours later they say lets go out to see the bands/parades. They choose port of spain so we drive to the city to go. My uncles up front and 5 grown women clusterfucked in the back seats. I already feel like shit from exhaustion, but i have a bad back, bad hips, and bad shoulders, so this was extra shitty for me. The entire way there its terrible traffic and my uncle drives slow. And when we finally get there there's nothing going on, just ppl everywhere and garbage covering the streets (i never wanna hear ppl say NY is filthy ever again tbh) and since nothing was happening, after a whole 5min (not even exaggerating. 5min.) Of walking up and down a single block they go 'ok' and get back into the cramped ass truck and go back home. No "oh well let's see if there's something else", no "well we can still walk around and see the city a little bit", not even a fucking "well we might as well at least get some food while we're here", they literally just walk back to the car and say nothing's here and go back home on the slow traffic filled drive while we're cramped to high hell. I'm exhausted, my body hurts and that shit car ride made it worse, I'm starting to lose my mind a little bit because my aunts were fucking humming while we were cramped back there like everythings fuckin honkey dorey, as soon as we got back home i immediately changed and went to bed cuz i couldn't take any more b.s for that day. I could have spent it resting for carnival but no i had to spend my night in that fuckery. I don't think they understand that doing that to me is like if i took them to manhattan in a cramped car, after a parade passed, looked at the trash filled streets, walked up and down one single block for 5min and went "whelp we missed it nothing to see here" and drove them all back home while they sat in those cramped seats for another 40+min.

Night 2) my mom said everyone was going upstairs while i went to bed so i tried to sleep. Slightly successful until everyone got drunk and took their loud asses down stairs thus waking me up. My mom came into bed (we share a bed cuz other family is also staying at my uncle's house) and she did nothing but toss and turn all night, and even when i thought she finally stopped and i was about to doze off she would jolt awake and go "whats that noise" for some shit that was probably happening down the goddamn street. Another sleepless night! 2 in a row! Did not get any rest for carnival what a fuckin start to this vacation!!!

Day 2) we drive out to the city at around 11am to go see the parade. What we watched was something so strange and disappointing idek what tf it was or why ppl do it. We went to a stadium to watch an entire parade slowly....go thru a small stage and then leave. They didn't even have like special performances or anything it was literally what you'd expect from a parade, but not being able to go down and enjoy it up close like how you're supposed to. And no one explained this to me! I still don't know why we did it everyone just acted like "yup this is carnival aint this fun?" And i am STILL baffled. We were sitting on hard concrete stadium bleachers, shit headed people were still bumping into me and dropping shit on me, the bass was so fucking loud you couldn't even hear the music, all you heard was the thud of the bass and a guy screaming on the mic. I've been to EDC twice and got up close and personal with those stages and never have i experienced a sound system so shitty that 1) you cant even hear the music and 2) it makes you feel physically ill until now. My family kept trying to talk to me but i had no fucking idea what they were saying, it especially doesn't help that i was having hearing problems days before this trip. I was legitimately disappointed and annoyed at this whole experience, having to watch the parade from stadium seats with shitty sound, and we watched it for a good 3hrs. At certain points i tried to sit by myself to collect myself and not be near the shit heads conatantly bumping into me or spilling shit near me or dropping things on me but my family cant accept that and kept bringing me into the crowd with them. And then fucking again for the 3rd time on this damn trip, after we watched...whatever tf that was, we had american fast food to eat. Burger king and popeyes. Ffs.

Night 3) i was laying down with a heating pad cuz i wasnt feeling well (like always). My mom said they were going to Biche to see carnival there and i said they could go ahead I'm not feeling well, she leaves to talk to my family. My mom comes in again and says i should come cuz I'll see my cousins and grandpa, i think i give her a maybe as a response. She comes in a 3rd time with my american uncle and he says we're in trinidad, already came all this way, might as well go. At that point i was already putting medicine on my legs cuz i already agreed. We drive down to biche on this awful tiny rainforest road that I've hated since i was a child and my other uncle (the one who we're staying at) is either a dumbass or was purposely teasing me, asking if i wanna look or if he should stop. The road is shit and dangerous and just fucking sucks all around and it's the bumpiest fucking thing ever and bumpy roads/shit driving always makes my pain worse so I'm feeling shittier and shittier before we even get there. When we finally do it looks like how i always imagined carnival would but i didn't even rly get to enjoy it because again, i fucking feel like shit. And for some reason, trinidadians must not know how a sound system works because all they do is turn up the bass all the way and call it a fuckin day. I was getting one of those headaches where it just feels like pressure in ur face from how exhausted i am but i didn't complain. I never complained. I just stood there quietly and watched as everyone partied and enjoyed themselves. Eventually tho the bass became too much again, and with the pressure in my face it just started making my eyes water which became a domino effect with how i was already feeling and i just straight ended up crying and unable to rly talk. That's when everyone started asking whats wrong, i guess, again i couldn't fucking hear over the bass. Luckily it was towards the end of the ceremony and my mom and uncle took me home to get rest. But at this point I'm ofc being called selfish among other things by my mom and "i need to speak up". Speaking to her is literally a dammed if u do damned if u dont situation so i always choose don't and just let myself fall off into a corner until one of 2 things happens, i break down or ppl get selfish and think me simply being there with them isnt enough i need to actively act like im enjoying myself regardless if i am or not.

Day 3) i finally got some fucking rest. Finally got some sleep. Didn't need to go anywhere, all i went was to go get some chinese food for dinner with my cousin, aunt, and mom. (Yes there are chinese ppl in the Caribbean. Yes the have an accent. No it isnt weird.) I posted a few things from yesterday on my instagram/fb. One post being a couple of videos from the first festival where i was confused on what the everloving fuck it was and i put what was essentially a read more rant on it because no one ever clicks readmore on instagram videos. Well aparently some nosy shitheaded family member read it and made a huge drama about it amomgst my family, my mom calling my dad upset about it, and me getting shit when I'm honestly the last one who should be getting shit over how me and her have been treated this entire trip in all honesty. My dad kept saying i need to try and enjoy myself but thats hard to do when ur family is just so goddamn ignorant and literally wants nothing more to do than to start a bunch of bullshit drama rather than confronting someone who's simply upset about how they've been treated thus far during this trip. My mom on the other hand called me a "fucking liar" when i was explaining what i posted and she said "everyone was asking you what was wrong if u wanted water etc etc) and i said i couldn't even hear anything over the fucking bass. She said that i give a nasty look to people and they don't like it. Well fuckin sorry they don't like my resting face and i refuse to smile thru my literal pain!!! It's not my job to comfort people by smiling!!! Women shouldn't have to do that bs just because their resting face isn't inviting!!! Fuck that!!!! She ended up talking to her dad (my grandpa) at the same time as her and my dad were reprimanding me over my rant post and got even more upset cuz my grandpa is a shithead and aparently got so dramatic she started looking for flights back home but they were $3k. Uhhhh excuse me? This whole fucking trip was for you not for me. I never said i wanted to come back here after what i experienced as a kid. I came here because you wanted to see ur family/dad and also havent been here for carnival since before i was born so outta the kindness out of my heart i agreed to go with you but honestly fuck ever doing this again, i literally can't be nice to her without her calling ME selfish and shitting on my entire life for no fucking reason. Her 2 faced family starts bullshit because they're too no-balls to ask me about it face to face thats on THEM not ME. I took down the rant (and its down below if u actually got down this far in this whole rant and are just THAT curious) but i said what i said and i ain't folding on that shit at all. And they always do this to us. Whenever they come to us in NY we go all out in showing them everything but when we come to them? They can't fucking be bothered by showing us something nice and honestly they can go fuck themselves.

I know mercury is is retrograde rn. And for a while i didn't believe in its impacts. But seeing all the shit that's been happening this week i think it's safe to say i can blame at least some of this mess on the universe's alignment atm because honestly.....what the fuck man....

Also if you made it all this way, 1) wtf why what is wrong with u and 2) congrats. U get to read the rant i had on my instagram post if ur that curious:

Idk if words can describe how pissed/annoyed i was when i was told this was carnival when all it was was a shrunken down parade that slowly passed thru a stage inside a stadium and you had to watch from the bleachers. And the sound was so bad you couldn't hear anything past the deafening bass and people screaming on mic, I'm surprised you can actually hear music in these vids tbh. Like I've been to music festivals and parades so I'm fine in these conditions but the bass was literally so bad i actually felt sick from it here.

I always imagined carnival like how music festivals are, with people and performers runing around and dancing together in one big party so seeing this was beyond disappointing. The night festival made up for it i guess but at that point i was so beyond spent i couldn't even enjoy it. 🙁

and ofc it all comes back on me being called selfish because i had a breakdown towards the end of the night even tho all I've done is say yes and go wherever people wanted me even if i said i didn't want to go with because i knew how beyond exhausted i was from the start. I should have been resting the day before so i could have enjoyed yesterday but no, after only getting a couple hours of sleep and barely eating that day, that night i was forced into a truck being squeezed in by the 4 other adults in the back seat of a truck to slowly drive around for an hour only to stop and walk around literal trash filled streets for a whole 5 minutes just to go back into the overly cramped truck and go back home. I already felt like crap and have a bad back and hips and that just made things worse but no I'm just being overly sensitive and boujee. I tried to sleep but my family just got drunk and made a ton of noise all night and by the time my mom went to bed it was late, and she does nothing but toss and turn all night so again i went another day w.o any real sleep. So i spent my first carnival 2 days sleep deprived, in pain, and thoroughly exhausted. I kept to myself and stayed quiet thru everything but that's never enough, but in all honesty it should be. I don't need to show that I'm having a good time, especially if I'm not.

[conspiracy-crows]

Tbh I use this as my screaming into the void. Worst case no one sees this, or reacts to it. Best case I get a couple replies or a message from a friend.

Fuck. I'm exhausted. I didn't go grocery shopping today and I should have. I don't know if I'll do it tomorrow either. We need food but I just have no energy.

2 weeks and I've had perhaps 24 hours straight without guests or social interaction of any kind.

I've had 9 or so hours of sleep since this time Thursday.

I'm stress eating and it isn't worth it cuz everything tastes mostly like cardboard.

As Foxx put it, my chalice must look like a damn rasin.

And unfortunately I have less than 12 hours of solitude before I have to deal with work again.

Everything screams to call out and spend the night curled up watching Markiplier hide from leviathins in Subnautica: BelowZero, or Jacksepticeye play Slime Rancher. But I've called out 3 times in as many months and had a 'vacation day' Thursday.

I can make it through work. Even home.

I dunno if I can go grocery shopping and I need to.

Dunno if I can even talk properly rn. And if you know me in person you know I tend to talk a lot.

My mind can't even focus on my stories or characters. But I fear I've reached the stage where my body is so tired it has forgotten how to fall asleep.

I know I'm reaching Numbness, and I'm not sure if I can stop it coming.

But I will. I have almost every other time since coming home. I will sleep eventually, I will recharge.

Right now though, all I am is the kind of tired you feel weigh heavily in your bones.

[be-awake]

I hate the face that I have Soo many people trying to control my life. Like where I go what I do who I go see. Like what I do in my free time without my kid.. it's getting exhausting. And I can't handle any of it. I'm so sick of not doing things good enough for them. And I'm so done with just having to live my life for them. I want to disappear more than I ever have lately. It's so hard to just stay in the present moment cuz of how they are with me. Which really sucks is that their family too. Oh and my baby daddy too. They all just make me feel like I'm not sure of what I'm doing. That I can't be trusted alone they have to tell me step by step what to do. I don't fucking get it. JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND LET ME LIVE MT LIFE. IM 31 FUCKING YEARS OLD I CANT DO IT BY MYSELF IM A BIG FUCKING GIRL. Sorry... I just. ... Any time I think about death it's because of them. They don't get 2 fucks less either which is sooo amazing. I need to just pack a bag and fucking leave be done. I can't handle this much longer. I want to relapse and not come back from it. Someone give me a big bag of meth and a fucking needle. Cuz I'm too weak and can't handle this bullshit. I'm done I give up... Fuck this and everyone else. . I can't breath so why not just fuck it.