#I can't stress enough how much this post contains spoilers

[kohakurin8]

~ A Devouring Obsession ~

Dissecting the message behind the bistro horror game, Dead Plate

‼️ WARNING ‼️

This post contains spoilers for the entire game and all 4 endings. If you would like to play the game before reading, you can download it at the link below.

Being a French Waiter Sounds Fun, Right?

First of all, I'd like to start by saying I absolutely LOVE this game by @racheldrawsthis and the amazing people at Studio Investigrave. The story will permanently occupy a part of my brain, which is exactly why I'm taking the time to share my thoughts on it.

In this game, we play as a happy-go-lucky waiter named Rody, who's just started his new job at a famous 1960s French bistro, La Gueule De Saturne.

His boss is a prolific chef named Vincent Charbonneau, who's equally odd as he is talented. He stands in the back of the bistro kitchen and watches his cooks meticulously prepare his day-by-day cuisine, meanwhile Rody is mysteriously the only waiter.

It's worth noting that the "diner style" gameplay is incredibly fun and really impactful to the overall experience of the story. Even though it seems to only be particularly relevant in the first playthrough or so (however long it takes you to buy the Matches), I still absolutely love the feature.

The Difference Between Love and Obsession

Sadly enough, I've seen a lot of debate going around in the fandom and Rach's ask-box about shipping connected to the game. While I support headcanons and unique interpretations of the source material (and don't hate the ship), just as any creator should, I also cannot stress enough that this is NOT a story about Love!

The story of Dead Plate is incredibly immersive and very well written, meaning that just as in life there is very much a possibility for the events between Rody and Vince to have ended better. But the point of the story is to actually illustrate the tragedy of Obsession and how it can ruin a person.

To preface, if neither Rody nor Vince had indulged in their obsessions, things could have ended a lot better for everyone involved. But sometimes in life, tragedy strikes, and there's nothing you can do but learn to accept it. The best outcome, the happy ending, isn't always the reality.

So if any of you out there still believe that the game of Dead Plate was "shipbaiting" somehow, or if you struggle to see the differences between Love and Obsession portrayed in the story, well...

Allow me to elaborate!

The Manon Hangup

We all know Rody and Vince, whether you've played the game or just got a bit curious about it on the Internet. But, the third major character who holds the stories of these two boys together like glue is our dearly departed Manon.

Although her identity is mostly hidden until after the first ending, Manon is soon revealed to be Rody's ex-girlfriend and Vince's current girlfriend. She serves as both the object of Rody's obsession and the catalyst of Vince's obsessions — although, despite her being the story's primary victim, I can't help but feel she's also a bit guilty of Crime of Inactivity for the events which transpire.

Rody and Manon had been dating for a while, I think since even before Rody dropped out of university. He would spend all of his time and money trying to make sure she was always happy, neglecting himself to the point that Manon finally broke up with him.

And then went after a rich, famous chef almost immediately... Ya know... As normal people do...

Needless to say, Rody believes he's madly in love with Manon. He's constantly talking about how absolutely in love with her he is — about songs he wants to write for her, and things he wants to do to make her happy. And all of this definitely gives the illusion of love, but if you actually pay attention to what he says and how he acts, it's pretty obvious that Rody isn't in love at all.

Rody is obsessed with the idea of being in love...

See, when you're in love with someone, you talk about them — who they are, what they enjoy, how they make you feel, etc. But Rody never says anything like this about Manon; if he did, then we would have understood who she was better before Ending 3. Instead, everything he says about her is an "I" statement.

"I bought her gifts!"

"I want to take her to dinner!"

Yet, even when asked questions about Manon, Rody can barely answer them. The best detail we can get out of him is that she might be a little materialistic.

Rody's obsession was never about Manon, it was instead about how having a girlfriend made him feel. That's why he held onto her so hard, why you have the option to try calling her every single night, and why he simply can't even accept the fact that she broke up with him.

This likely has something to do with trauma in Rody's past, although we'll never really know. What we DO know is that Rody's behavior could have possibly been corrected if Manon had simply acted sooner in the relationship.

Why did she wait until he was so far gone to finally take action?

Why did she start dating a richer guy almost immediately?

We don't know enough about Manon to say for sure, but I suspect she may have been passively taking advantage of Rody until the guilt was too much to bear. Which in itself didn't exactly lead to her death and the ruining of three lives, but Manon still had the opportunity to stop this entire debacle before it even had a prayer of happening.

The Torment of a Chef

So now we slide over to Vincent's obsession, which is admittedly more detailed and complex than Rody's. After all, he's a trained chef in France, the capital of culinary arts! It's no doubt his job is way more high stress than you could possibly imagine.

But there's so much more to his psyche than that...

Rach has given us a lot of details about Vince, and I'm going to be referencing them quite a bit in order to properly explain the nature of his complex obsession.

Let's start with the fact that, although it isn't directly confirmed, it's been mentioned quite a lot that Vince's parents don't show him any love — this of course would be the reason why he has no idea what love actually is or what it feels like. The only thing he's probably ever loved in his life is food, which makes it all the more devastating that he lost his sense of taste when he was a small child.

Vincent spent his entire life learning how to cook perfect food, yet he despises eating and can't taste ANY of the masterpieces he cooks. That alone would be maddening.

Yet, it gets worse for him. Because Vincent doesn't understand love, that also means he doesn't understand how to put love into his dishes — the one ingredient every chef will tell you is most important in cuisine. (I should note I actually have a little bit of a background in professional food services) It's a huge insecurity for Vince, and rightfully so! Despite all of the people who praise his skill, there's always a handful that will call it "bitter" or "soulless" despite that.

But that's fine, he's fine. He's managing that insecurity. So what if he can't cook with love? Who even knows what love is anyway? He's still famous, and talented, and well renowned. He doesn't need those heartless critics.

Until he met Rody...

The two of them went to the same university, although it's pretty evident they didn't interact much back then. It's possible that Vincent's obsession with Rody started in university, watching him from afar, but that's uncertain.

What is certain is that Vince became obsessed with Rody after the ginger became a waiter at the bistro. Vincent heard Rody talk constantly about how much he loved Manon, that it started to make Vincent think... What if that was his key to cooking with love..?

Remember how Vince doesn't understand love? Well, it's important to consider that although one might not understand what love is or how to show it, that doesn't mean that they don't feel love.

Vincent is canonically gay, and also canonically obsessed with Rody. But why did he become obsessed with Rody in the first place? Usually when you latch into a person like that it isn't for some random, niche reason. So it seems highly possible that Vincent was in love with Rody.

He even did his best to show his love to Rody in the only way he knew how — by cooking.

Each night, Vince sends Rody home with "leftovers" — except, they aren't actually leftovers; they're dishes which Vince specially cooked himself specifically for Rody. He desires more than anything for Rody to enjoy his cooking, because he has no other way to show his love.

The issue with that is Rody is one of the people who expressly believes that Vince's food is soulless. Granted, he's the sort of person who would praise Burger King so honestly his opinion should be taken with a grain of salt, buuuutttt... That's not how this works.

Vince loves Rody, therefore Rody's opinion is important.

Rody "loves" Manon, therefore Vince is jealous of Manon.

I suspect this is why Vince was willing to agree to a relationship with Manon in the hopes of killing her. See, he's so obsessed with cooking "love" for Rody that if you choose to give cheese to the rat in the kitchen on Day 4, Vince cooks the rat as one of the meals for Rody.

Why? Because Rody showed it love.

It's the exact same reason that he decided to murder and cook Manon into the Grilled Hanger Steak.

I know you're going to say "But, wait! He wanted to eat Rody too!" and yeah, he does eat Rody in Ending 4. But let me impart some wisdom onto you all as to why his meticulous plan took these tragic events.

I know it's tempting to buy into the idea that Vincent intended to eat Rody all along, but consider his dialogue in Day 7 for a moment.

As he's talking to Rody, Vincent reveals his true nature — all he wanted was for Rody to eat the steak he made and taste the love he felt for Manon. He never once mentions a desire to eat people himself. Not until Rody tries to escape and Vince snaps, declaring:

"But... Maybe you ..."

It's only then that Vincent actually starts attempting to kill Rody. After all, if he really wanted to kill Rody, he wouldn't be so willing to have a conversation with him (or get mad when he couldn't escape the freezer in Ending 2)

The issue in Vincent snapped when Rody found Manon's locket in the freezer. His plan was completely ruined, and with no plan B, he lashed out. It's also worth noting that Rach confirmed Vincent is a lightweight when it comes to alcohol.

Funny how he attacks Rody with a corkscrew and you find a broken wine bottle in his office, huh?

It isn't confirmed, but I consider it highly likely that Vince was drunk on the night of Day 7.

If Vince was inebriated when Rody made him snap, it would explain his impulsive and irrational behavior. Drunken minds lead one to do all sorts of things, and it's likely that it played a role in Vince's plan shifting from making Rody taste love...

...to eating Rody in the hopes of tasting anything love for himself.

Because it isn't Rody's love of Manon that Vince thinks he'll taste. That was never how the theory worked.

It would be Vince tasting his love of Rody.

Who's the Real Villain?

Vincent might be the antagonist of our story, but that doesn't necessarily make him the villain. After all, his actions were entirely circumstantial to Rody's behavior. Which means that—

You guessed it

Our true villain is Rody.

This is something I really love that I've noticed in the 3/5 Studio Investigrave games I've played so far — the protagonist tends to be an unconventional villain.

In Rody's case, I'm sure it comes as a shock considering his himbo-puppy demeanor, but if you take a step back and look at him it's pretty obvious. Everything in the story happened because of Rody's self-sacrificing behavior.

Rody's obsession with Manon fueled Vince's obsession with him. His unwillingness to see the consequences of how he treated himself allowed it to hurt everyone around him.

If Rody could have accepted his break-up with Manon, she might not have ended up dead. If he could have reigned in his obsessions then neither of them may have ended up dead.

In a better timeline, Rody and Vince may have even been able to find love in each other.

But this isn't that story.

This is a tragedy.

A timeline where everything goes to the worst possible outcome. Where obsession devoured three lives...

Thank you all for taking the time to read all of this!

If you'd like to discuss the theories or have any questions, feel free to ask or send me a message ~

[craetor]

Another Death Note book, another Tumblr post of overanalyzing details within it

This is a literal reformatted Twitter thread that was collected as the book was read, so, in theory, one could just flip through the book & find the things addressed all in order. Enjoy my needlessly high IQ going to town on this damn legendary expansion pack AU spin-off novel...

This obviously contains spoilers to L Change The World

.

"I'm no good with girls" - L Lawliet, like 2004? (He probably had a real good time having Misa around)

L calls the kids of Wammy's House "letters" (*tries not to explode*)

It's verified that the orphans are entrusted with solving cases as grave as murders to prove & train themselves

Beyond Birthday is mentioned to crack his neck in LABB, which is oddly enough also a habit of Ryuk's. Shinigami urges, especially those of the rather unhinged kind

Suruga heard that L never even showed his face to Misora, meaning she kept quiet about their encounter to everyone until her very death. Which is pretty nice.

Tbh Beyond wasn't too far off about mocking L's behavior. He does tend to crawl when he's being frantic & is also a messy eater (from getting food on himself when not provided with utensils (even when he is...), to consuming excessive amounts of sweet toppings)

There's too many "god"s in DN names... ('Kagami' can be translated to 'nurse god' which is so stupid & uncreative /affectionately)

"L's back grew rounder as he sat on the sofa with his knees tucked tightly against his chest. [...] He seemed to be burdened by the weight of something very heavy that she could not see". L's slouch gets lower after Watari dies under his surveillance. Nothing new, just fantastic symbolism that I love about him.

Also how actually well L suppresses his emotions while working on cases is really outlined in this book. It gets to a point where he seems apathetic, as people who've seemingly gone through trauma reunite over tears in front of him, while minutes beforehand, he's exuded real sadness over Watari's passing. (this is not inherently negative or positive)

His reputation with the FBI really sticks to him like a tick, yet it's suppressing his humanity that gets L to do what's needed & initiate measures necessary (which earned him the ill-willed reputation of kinky bizarre murder-loving detective. Whereby I still can't quite locate the origin of the "murder-loving" part..)

"Nobody would think anything important to be in a bag of potato chips, don't you think?" Honey, first of all, how did you fit an entire notebook into a bag of potato chips without it looking like it's your 1 pound hershey's chocolate stash... Oh, and L has a pattern of emulating tricks that people have used to try and fool him

It seems that L wasn't lying when he said that he's a fan of Misa's work, though idrk what to make of that... Not everything in the half-canon is canon, kids. M went a bit too hard on that 'L is weird & creepy' at times. Until it's not even goofy and ridiculous anymore, I'm just.. concerned?

L seems fulfilled and glad when he's stressed about saving the world. Nothing like a superiority complex, just very INTJ.

L will know to evaluate people so much as to accept food from the ones trying to deceive him, if he knows they're pacifists. Having them vacuum his room & stuff, letting them think they're earning his trust. A side of him we haven't seen thus far, just thought it to be important to share.

Watari, now officially L's mentor and father figure (we knew this but i love it)

The fact that L prones to share sweets with anyone compatible to himself or whoever he wants to tempt is not just a quirky gesture of respect, but actually seems to write out, more than anything, 'let's put us on the same level here. Have this thing that indicates gross luxury within societal hierarchy while also being the thing that keeps me going on an everyday-basis'

Fem-disguise flirty L. He's enjoying the vibe & living vicariously. That's it that's the jot

And then there's page 151. And i wonder, am I needed here at all?

The "L-organization" Blue Ship made up is comically the truest hypothesis that has existed as a theory about L. After all, Wammy's House is the founding ground of 26 Ls each generation to come

Watari seems to be involved with the Wammy's kids more than initially thought. But this could also be Kujo's illusion, as having any contact with the one closest to L at all would be a big deal and in her mind more prominently

And finally, the relationship that was created between L & Light is closer to love and worship than friendship. Even best friends. L's reliance on the thought of Light even exists as comfort in heavily emotionally distressing situations. Your definitely romantically touched soulmate-other-half-comfort-human can be your best friend too is what I'm trying to say. Like, you don't have to choose. Just add it to the list.

Verdict: I assume the main point of the book is literally to clear up misunderstandings about L, hence information about him is being blatantly pointed out and aggressively reinforced around every corner. But I'm here anyways because page 151 exists for me and me only (and everybody else who's done their thing correctly before having read this thing) as a pat on the back and a hearty 'good job'. It was fun to have found a couple more hidden details along the way too though. L called Light his 'best friend' like he called Misora 'some guy in the US who told me about capoeira'

[lilmisssammy]

Survey about Theories & Interpretations of The Path Results!

A while ago I posted a survey about interpretations of The Path here! And enough responses have came in to the point that I feel that it's right to publish the surveys results! If more responses come in after this post has been uploaded I will add them in!

And finally, the responses to this survey contain mentions of Sexual Assault of a Minor, Drug Use, Mentions of Suicide, Death, Mental Illness, Predation, Victim Blaming and Potential Spoilers for The Path under the Read More. I hope this is helpful or insightful in some way, and happy reading!

Section One

Robin

With 24 Responses, the results in order of most to least chosen are:

Learning about Death - Chosen by 22 participants, or about 91.7%

Being Attacked by an Animal - Chosen by 11 participants, or about 45.8%

Learning about the Danger of Nature - Chosen by 9 participants, or about 37.5%

A Death in the Family - Chosen by 6 participants, or about 25%

Learning about Family Problems - Chosen by 3 participants, or about 12.5%

Write ins - 5 Write ins, "Learning about how actions have consequences and her own mortality"

"I also think Robin gets seriously injured by the wolf"

"The most straightforward of all the routes, imo. If she never confronted the experience she had w/ her wolf, she would be too afraid of the outside world, unable to engage with it like she loves."

"Learning about empathy for fellow creatures ex: the robin"

"Dealing with Rubys injury and not knowing if she'd be okay or not"

Rose

With 24 Responses, the results in order of most to least chosen are:

Learning of Injustice - Chosen by 14 participants, or about 58.3%

Near Death Experience - Chosen by 13 participants, or about 54.2%

Questioning Spirituality - Chosen by 12 participants, or about 50%

Illness/Disability - Chosen by 9 participants, or about 37.5%

An Existential Crisis - Chosen by 9 participants, or about 37.5%

Feeling Helpless - Chosen by 7 participants, or about 29.2%

The Creators had no set Intentions/It's vague and confusing on Purpose/It doesn't have a Meaning - Chosen by 4 participants, or about 16.7%

First Period - Chosen by 1 participant, or about 4.2%

Write ins - 6 Write ins, "Learning the World Isn't Simple"

"I feel like Rose’s route is much more vague than the others, in a way that had to be intentional, but I still feel there were set intentions and that it has a meaning."

"I think it's also partially about the struggles of a 'gifted child', since Rose seems 'more mature' than a lot of other 11 year olds + the visual of the birdcage above the desk in grandma's house"

"The creators said on a blog post that they didn't know what the cloudy man was supposed to be. This fuels my interpretation that it is the "unknown" - maybe not any sort of inciting event, but of some sort of conceptual “unknown”. Rose looks at the world in terms of good and bad, with people being inherently good, and “justice” always prevailing. The cloud wolf seems to me like an embodiment of what is in between, what Rose can't understand, which is why she's so stressed out by it. A more literal interpretation that I can also see is that her views of a just world in relation to something like death being challenged by finding someone who drowned/committed suicide/was murdered in the forest, and the cloudiness of the wolf is her trauma clouding the image so she doesn't relive it. (I was always under the opinion that the games were in retrospect/represented the girls' mental states - all the dialogue is written on the screen, after all.) If she never confronted her fear of the unknown, she would go down the path of unquestioning belief and bias, and wouldn't be as kind and gentle as we see her."

"First pressures: ex. School"

"Learning that the world is dangerous"

Ginger

With 24 Responses, the results in order of most to least chosen are:

Entering Puberty - Chosen by 23 participants, or about 95.8%

Discovering your Sexuality - Chosen by 22 participants, or about 91.7%

Being Scared of Growing Up/Not Wanting to Grow Up - Chosen 17 by participants, or about 70.8%

Being Transgender - Chosen by 16 participants, or about 66.7%

Bullying/Losing Friends - Chosen by 3 participants, or about 12.5%

Rejection by a Crush - Chosen by 2 participant or about 8.3%

Write ins - 3 Write ins, "First Period"

"First Period. That ties in with entering puberty but I think it's specifically about her first period."

"The devs mention in the development blog that Ginger’s wolf (the girl in red) is meant to be the opposite of/foil to the girl in white. They say that she plays tricks and deceives people, and while the other sisters stay away from her, Ginger wants to be her friend - they’re the same age, neither wants to grow up, and they both like “rough games”. I feel like the girl in red must have played a little /too/ rough or otherwise done something which ended up with Ginger hurt in some way, being reminded of her inherent difference from “other” girls in relation to her sexuality, gender, or outlook on the world in relation to these things. Ginger’s story is about finding out about her relation to the world via her peers in terms of the archetype you’re supposed to embody by virtue of something you can’t control. Ginger feels like the body she was proud of and the freedom that she cherished are betraying her. (Also, as a trans person myself, I don’t like the interpretation about Ginger being trans specifically because trans people aren’t the only people who struggle w/ societal roles relating to gender!) If Ginger never processed her encounter w/ the girl in red, she would feel like she has to stick herself into the box of “girl” instead of rejecting the label and being herself."

Ruby

With 24 Responses, the results in order of most to least chosen are:

Falling in with the Wrong Crowd/Peer Pressure - Chosen by 23 participants, or about 95.8%

Mental Illness - Chosen by 15 participants, or about 62.5%

Abusive Relationships - Chosen by 15 participants, or about 62.5%

Addiction - Chosen by 12 participants, or about 50%

Disability - Chosen by 12 participants, or about 50%

Bullying - Chosen by 6 participants, or about 25%

Write Ins - 3 Write Ins, "Toxic Friendships"

"Honestly all of these interpretations seem a little too straightforward to me to be the -main- theme of Ruby’s story. While Ruby did undergo struggles related to all of these, she does it for a reason - she’s going through an “edgelord phase”. Having experienced all the doubts about the world that her little sisters are currently having, she’s not exactly mature enough to know how to handle them constructively. When you’re at Ruby’s age, holding up a middle finger to life and anticipating the bad before it can get to you seems like the “mature” thing to do. (She asks on her blog, “what are kids always so damn happy about? To Ruby, and to many “edgelord” teens, happiness = “fake”.) But as her interaction with her wolf shows us, she’s still a human who desires to fit in. If you think yourself as someone who is awake to the grim horrors of the world, hanging out with as bleak a character as the “charming” wolf - someone who can echo your views and grant you the “depth” of experience you can’t get from high school clubs - is a rebellion against a world which treats you like you don’t know any better. But when you treat everything you do as a statement as Ruby does, you are more susceptible to your “refuge” from a world you supposedly hate, unable to sincerely express your feelings lest they betray your cause, and even succeptible to peer pressure if important people are involved. If Ruby never confronted what got her in that leg brace, she would have been unable to find any beauty in the world at best, and lost the will to live at worst."

"Feeling like the odd one out > struggles of building identity"

Carmen

With 24 Responses, the results in order of most to least chosen are:

A non-consensual Sexual Act - Chosen by 20 participants, or about 83.3%

Uncomfortable First Sexual Experience - Chosen by 17 participants, or about 70.8%

Learning about Love vs Sex - Chosen by 13 participants, or about 54.2%

Abuse from a Family Friend - Chosen by 9 participants or about 37.5%

Underage Alcohol Use - Chosen by 6 participants or about 25%

Pregnancy - Chosen by 0 participants

Write Ins - 2 Write In "Like with the gender/sexuality thing in Ginger’s route, I’m not exactly comfortable deducing what specifically happened to Carmen with the woodsman. The point is, whether it was rape or just went too fast, it was uncomfortable. Like Ruby using her nihilism as an external indicator of maturity, Carmen does this with her sexuality. But, still being very young, she’s subject to more romantic ideals of what sex is supposed to be - sex is something that brings you attention, that brings you love. Like with Rose not understanding that the “good” of the world isn’t cut-and-dry, Carmen does not understand this with sex and adult/romantic relationships (including that sleeping w/ a minor is statutory rape - again like w/ Ruby and her wolf, it’s likely that the woodsman made Carmen feel loved and mature - at first, in theory. Many people who were in a similar situation to Carmen report being told that they’re “mature” for their age, or feeling “mature” for this older person paying attention to them in the way that they did.) The woodsman may be the “first” she was ever with, but he did something that left her feeling used, which is likely the direct opposite of what Carmen expected from her first sexual experience. And if she never confronted these conflicting feelings, it’s likely she would be too afraid to reach out for the love and support she needs."

"Understanding boundaries and that there are evil people that can fool you"

Scarlet

With 24 Responses, the results in order of most to least chosen are:

Wanting to escape Responsibilities/Family - Chosen by 21 participants, or about 87.5%

Losing Passions and Hobbies - Chosen by 21 participants, or about 87.5%

Forced Parentifcation - Chosen by 21 participants, or about 87.5%

Mental Illness - Chosen by 10 participants, or about 41.7%

Suicidal Thoughts/Attempts - Chosen by 5 participants, or about 20.8%

Affair with a Music Teacher - Chosen by 2 participants, or about 8.3%

Alcoholism - Chosen by 1 participant, or about 4.8%

Abortion - Chosen by 1 participant, or about 4.8%

Write Ins - 2 Write ins "Like with Ruby, these themes are all too specific to be the -main- theme. Unlike most of the other sisters, I don’t think there was one inciting event for Scarlet that led to some sort of trauma. Trauma isn’t just “that one thing that changes you forever”. It can be a series of events and mental adjustments that ultimately break you. When you’re a young adult, it ultimately dawns you that you have to pay bills, do chores, feed yourself - you have so many responsibilities that far-flung dreams seem all the more unattainable. Scarlet found herself thrust into the role of caretaker by necessity, like a puppet on strings. And unlike her younger sisters, Scarlet is old enough to know that the best way to cope with responsibilities and harsh realities is to confront them head-on, so she willingly takes on the role she is supposed to. But when you’re a young adult, older than 18 but younger than 30, you’re not exactly sure how much of you is responsibility, and how much is yourself. Scarlet "acknowledges” that she may never be able to achieve her dreams, that there’s too many responsibilities to take care of, that she’s “too old” and “too mature” to pursue any sort of passion that she has, as passions are all silly dreams for kids that don’t pay any mind to the real world. But thinking of yourself as “too old” or “too responsible” or “too” anything will not be able to shove your dreams - the person you truly want to be - far down to the point that it won’t peak out again. I think that her wolf, rather than any sort of actual person, is supposed to be a manifestation of the “tricks” (it is called the “fae wolf”, after all) she is playing on herself, and her own reminder that she can’t keep down the person she wants to be no matter how much she wants to. And if she didn’t confront this part of herself, she would never be able to become that person, continuing to think that her age and station in life define her."

"End of childhood vs beginning of adulthood"

Section Two

This section was about what they believe the wolves and the grandmother + GIW represent. There was not set options to pick from, so participants were allowed to describe it in their own words.

The Werewolf

21 participants about what they believe The Werewolf represents:

"Death, brutality of nature, possibly an abusive parent."

"its an animal to help show her danger in nature"

"I think her wolf is supposed to represent the familiar suddenly becoming hurtful"

"The cycle of trauma is feeling more aware."

"Her first time getting seriously sick/injured, possibly due to recklessness or ingenuity"

"i do think it is a very literal wolf. she was attacked by one after mentioning how she could never relate to death and dying."

"Learning about the world being dangerous. I don’t think it’s literally representing a wolf, but I think the wolf-like design is intentional to call back to the original moral fable of red riding hood, that the world can be dangerous, and not all strangers are going to help you. So, it could represent a stranger, or just any sort of dangerous experience Robin had that made her realize for the first time that the world isn’t a 100% safe place."

"A wild animal she made feel threatened, most likely a wolf, maybe even a person she scared and they attacked her in self defense before realizing she was a small child"

"It’s representing a wolf or a dog that attacks Robin leaving her seriously injured."

"Death"

"Possibly the physical form of death itself. I personally interpret each girl's route as both symbolic and something that actually happened to them in one way or another, so to me Robin got attacked and almost killed by a wild animal and unfortunately had to learn about death firsthand that way."

"an unknown danger; something she thought was safe but wasnt"

"A wolf. Specifically an encounter with a type of wolf that teaches her about death in some way"

"I believe robin was attacked by a wolf and the way the story is shown is her imagination changing the story as a sorta coping mechanism"

"a realization that you can hurt others, and others can hurt you."

"A near-death experience, such as being attacked by an animal Robin believed to be harmless and cute, showing Robin that death isn’t a far off hypothetical and that it is real."

"A literal wolf that attacked her"

"Coming to terms with death. The initial shock that a child feels when learning to comprehend how we all die"

"Her first experience with true danger from an animal she mistreated because she didn't understand it was a fellow mortal creature"

"I think Robin's chapter is about dealing with ruby's injury and the werewolf is shaking her how she thinks being in a car crash would feel like. I also think the fact the werewolf is her favourite animal could show how she doesn't understand how Ruby's cool friend could've hurt her sister."

"Things that seem safe becoming dangerous."

The Cloud Wolf

21 participants about what they believe The Cloud Wolf represents

"I don’t think it’s meant to represent anything in particular. It’s what you make of it."

"cloudy weather, shows a grim and pessimistic look on things "clouds your judgement""

"Rose's fear of the unknown/The fear of her own ill body"

"Chronic pain, not knowing why you hurt the way you do."

"Her going through a near death experience while seeking a sense of purpose/a dangerous 'adventure' she was sure she'd come out of scot free, as was just and fair to her character."

"i am so lost but i guess it represents the fact that having an unhealthy relationship with your spirituality could lead to peril."

"A promise of happiness or of understanding the world around her. The Cloud Wolf is a promise of a potential spiritual awakening that would make everything suddenly make sense, even if it’s not exactly safe."

"not fully sure, probably something she witnessed killing an animal or something, i think she tried to save whatever was being hurt and almost drowned"

"Rose’s wolf is either a spiritual being or nature itself and it being dangerous."

"Spirituality"

"This one is the hardest for me, so I tend to just interpret pretty straightforwardly. Rose went out alone, got caught in a storm and almost drowned."

"something dangerous occuring in nature showing that not everything is peaceful and good about the world"

"I'm generally not sure what Rose's wolf represents, but I personally think there's no right or wrong answer and that multiple answers can coexist within this particular wolf"

"A near death experience"

"the unknown. not everything can be easily defined by a rigid, black and white belief system. there is more about the world than what meets the eye."

"Rose being caught in a natural disaster, such as a hurricane, and being forced to come to terms with the fact that nature isn’t black and white, it’s random and confusing."

"What rose thought was a spiritual entity ending up being a hallucination"

"No idea"

"Accident that put her spiritual and black and white vision of life into question. Possibly a metaphor for the uncertains if growing into a teen and finding out more about the complications of how the world works."

"A really bad storm that almost kiled Rose"

"Nature not only being beautiful but also overwhelming"

The Girl in Red Wolf

21 participants about what they believe The Girl in Red Wolf represents:

"Her period (in regards to both puberty and transgenderism) or a girl she had small interest in"

"going into womanhood"

"I think the girl in red could either mean a first period or a girl Ginger had a crush on."

"the beginning of the development of self-consciousness. a realization that you're being judged, that there's a way you're "supposed" to be, and that there's things people will assume about you whether you want them to or not."

"Honestly, just some kind of friend/crush, maybe one that's not a very good person."

"Her discovering her sexuality/falling for a girl while also coping with not being able to be childish anymore but not wanting to grow up, and being reminded that she is by her period ( the red color of the dress )"

"Ginger getting their first period, discovering their gender, and discovering their sexuality. GiR could be the representation of a pretty girl who lent them a pad that started their path of discovery after they develop a crush on her."

"Puberty, sexuality, and gender/sex"

"First period/the concept of entering “adulthood” and being forced to then leave “childhood” behind."

"Puberty/sexual awakening"

"a first crush who probably introduced them to queer topics (probably not straight up but it probably ended up that way)"

"gay gay homosexual gay. also puberty"

"The fear that comes with something as new as growing up."

"A close friend of Gingers, perhaps a crush, made into a wolf to give Ginger her last bit of childhood."

"Growing up, puberty and the start of understanding gender identity/sexuality and the idea of bad experiences with friends in the past"

"period/puberty"

"Coming of age, losing childhood innocence, willful ignorance."

"Puberty and womanhood. I think her wolf being another little girl is a sign that ginger is struggling with her sexuality. Throughout her ending you see bloody mattresses lining the walls, with barbed wire and black feathers falling all around, along with flashing images of the girl in red. I think the blood and barbed wire represent menstruation and the pain and discomfort that comes from it. The black feathers are similar to the one ginger wears on her head. “I hate that stupid stuff with kissing and smiles and dressing up pretty.” Her wolf marked a time in her life where she realized she had to give up her childhood and face the reality of being a woman. Which certainly isn’t fun for anyone I’m sure"

"Both a girl he knew that he liked and a representation of puberty and growing up and his fears related to both subjects and correlated issues."

"a cute girl ginger likes :)"

"A crush that helps Ginger realise that they are queer, but also the pain that comes with that realisation"

The Charming Wolf

21 participants about what they believe The Charming Wolf represents:

"Entering a bad crowd, peer pressure"

"a bad influence"

"He represents an older boy/man (like 17-20) who uses Ruby’s mental illness/ self harm to make her do dangerous things like smoking and eventually getting Ruby and him into a car crash."

"the end-point of where expressing yourself in symbols and attitudes gets you. proof that the grim realities of the world aren't something you should strive to get ahead of, but something that you need to learn to cope with and mediate between."

"Might be me projecting, but definitely some sort of predator, with some peer pressure mixed in. Like what kind of 20-something year old acts all weird with a 15 year old girl and ISNT a creep?? 💀"

"A 'wrong crowd', toxic friends or people that drag you into doing things just because they're cool nevermind the consequences they might bring."

"Falling in with a bad crowd due to mental illness, letting her depression make her pliable and easy to control. She stopped caring about whether she lived or died and she took bad advice to try to make herself feel something."

"Basically what pre-existing depression and what falling for the bad boy can lead to. He's a bad boy, but not in the fun media sense"

"Peer pressure, both in the sense of taking the cigarette (peer pressure to do something dangerous) and in Ruby’s generally disaffected attitude, trying to seem cool by not caring about the world around her (peer pressure to change who you are)"

"Predation"

"a "popular" boy at school, she wanted to be part of their crowd so he manipulated her into doing various "cool" things, he's probably also partially the cause of the leg brace"

"getting into a bad crowd to cope with unfortunate circumstances ."

"The personification of wanting to belong somewhere even if it’s not a good place."

"Someone who got her into drugs/A representation of all her bad habits"

"Being in a vulnerable metal state and having older men around you using peer pressure and opening up a world of drugs, abuse, trauma, suicide and sexual violence"

"i dont have any ideas"

"Addiction, toxic friendships, peer pressure."

"Self harm/self injury. Ruby is depressed. You can tell with anything she says. She doesn't have any hope for herself or the world. She has on a leg brace and walks with a limp- but out of all the girls, she runs the fastest, and is the only one to start crying when left alone by the player for too long. She doesn't seem to care what happens to her, and shes so desperate for human connection that she takes the company of a strange man in the woods, one who was previously seen dragging something (someone?) in a rolled up carpet. Maybe her lack of self preservation is how she became injured in the first place."

"Falling in with a bad crowd. Being taken advantage of during a low point. Craving for companionship. Dark side of sexuality."

"A boy that got her into drugs and caused the car crash she was injured in :("

"The harmful romanticisation of your own pain."

The Woodsman Wolf

20 participants about what they believe The Woodsman Wolf represents:

"Men, sexualization, and the double-edged sword of being desired. The sexual trauma that too often comes from womanhood. Nicknamed in development as “sexy red,” shes flirty, charming, and she even walks different from the other girls— more of a saunter. Despite her seductress persona, you get the sense that she is naive in her romantic outlook on life. Freshly 17, she enjoys the look of her more womanly body, and seems to enjoy the attention it brings as well. Her trauma comes from something that she wasn't ready for. Whether it was consensual or not doesn't make it any better, because she was a child, and she wasn’t ready. Her story resonated with me because of the way Carmen is, yearning and fantasizing for the warmth of romance. Seduced by the idea of love. Wanting to be wanted, not yet knowing the danger that comes with being a young woman. Her illusion was shattered."

"I believe he’s the most literal. He represents a sexual encounter with an older man which Carmen wasn’t ready for, since she was just sort of playing at adulthood up until this point, and is truly still a child. Could also represent the guilt and self blame after the fact, where Carmen thinks it’s her fault since she approached him first."

"Her having sex with anyone that'd have her, including older men, because she thought sex also meant love, and she wanted to fall in love, only to find out she was being used for her body while getting too invested in the other party"

"an older man (i think mid 30's or older) who gave carmen alcohol because she was "leading him on" with her flirtatious ways when in reality she was making jokes that others were making (including woodsman)"

"Straightforward, but a non consensual sexual experience. He's much older than her and even gets her drunk first, not much room for interpretation in my opinion"

"An unpleasant first sexual experience that was in some way non-consensual, most likely due to alcohol. So the asshole who assaulted her"

"not everyone has the same intentions as you do. what is associated with maturity seems "mature" because there are complex sides to it."

"Sexual assault and being taken advantage off by older people who where suppose to be trusted e.g family friends"

"Sexual assault, the horror of the mundane, the perversion of the familiar."

"Loneliness being taken advantage of by those who exploit vulnerabilities."

"A family friend that took advantage of her while drunk"

"a close family friend who took things too far"

"rape and an unhealthy relationship with sex"

"An old man who sexually assaulted Carmen."

"Predation but slightly different"

"an abuser"

"A rapist"

"Representation of how normal looking people will take advantage of you, making you think you are equals."

"Carmen's rapist"

"A bad sexual partner: to dense to realise what he's doing is statutory rape, too single minded to care about her pleasure, and too rugged to be gentle."

The Fey Wolf

21 participants about what they believe The Fey Wolf represents:

"Expectations and responsibility. The mental and physical toll of motherhood, with Scarlet being a surrogate caregiver for her sisters. She knows that without her they would have nobody to care for them, as their parents/grandmother are seemingly uninvolved in their lives. She bares the weight of the family by being the oldest, knowing there’s no room for her to be sad about it."

"the seeming "loss of color" in the world when you become an adult. the burden of responsibilities, the voice in the back of a young adult's head that reminds them they have things they need to do. the tricks scarlet - and other young adults - play on themselves to push away their dreams or "childlike" impulses."

"The exact ideal person Scarlet wished was in her life. Even if they end up more dangerous than she planned, they at least present themself as a soulmate (not in the romantic sense necessarily. Just in that it’s someone just like her, someone who can truly and completely understand her.)"

"I believe Scarlet's Wolf, similar to Rose's, doesn't necessarily have one right or wrong answer and that multiple conclusions can be drawn. Likely a mentor of some sort though, in music, of which there might've been an affair with"

"Wanting someone to take control for her so her own troubles lifted and she had time to live her own life, I see the green smoke as a wave of guilt too like by enjoying a hobby she’s neglected her own sisters in some way"

"a version of herself she wants to be, free of any responsibilities over her siblings and able to pursue her own interests and hobbies, it looks nothing like her because that person is nothing like what she currently is"

"Her desire to be her own person, and pursue her passions, but not being able to due to having to parent her sisters in the absence of her mother, having too many responsibilities to pursue her own wants"

"Some sort of fantasy you can't have, for lack of a better term. Scarlet longs to be able to do things for herself again, but she can't (whether she actually can't or just tells herself that)"

"The Fey wolf is more confusing but it represents Scarlet’s dreams of being coming a piano player but due to taking care of her sisters, Carmen couldn’t."

"I honestly cannot tell possibly that part of her brain that criticizes her want to escape adulthood/the things she loves (art, music)"

"Scarlet being forced to recognize that she cannot chase her dreams no matter how much she wishes to."

"A figure in one’s life that has left them scarred, perhaps a parental-like figure."

"losing interest in your hobbies due to increased at home responsibility"

"some sort of hope/aspiration taken away by forced parentification"

"Impossible expectations, mental illness, the desire to run away."

"A representation of her mental illness"

"to signal that scarlet lost herself"

"Adulthood"

"Destroyed dreams. Desire for support and companionship. Fairytales and all things childish. Artistic inspiration. Maybe a mentor she misses."

"Scarlet's desire to be able to leave her responsibilities behind and do what she wants (music)"

"Harsh judgement from music teachers who don't have sympathy for your other responsibilities."

The Girl In White

21 participants about what they believe the Girl in White reprsents:

"the personality and "innocence" of each girl. she wants to protect the girls from any negative thoughts or experiences, anything that would be harmful for them. since i think of the path as retrospective, this can be more literally interpreted as hesitance to confront pain. she is present in each of the scenes, and goes through all of their rooms, so no matter how much the "girl in white" of each girl tried to protect them, they all confronted their issues. at the end, even though she's covered in blood, she's still herself - just like the girls. no matter what they went through, the girls remained themselves, with battle scars."

"someone the siblings were friends with, either in the past or currently, for some of them i think she represents a family friend who they lost contact with and thus they forgot what she looked like. the others are all just friends with the same girl and she's nice to them and trying to teach them about their "wolves" before something goes wrong or telling them that what happened was not their fault (i think rose for both of them personally and ginger for the first example)"

"The acceptance and healing stages after going through a tragic event, and the blood on her after her run through the grandma's house (a flashback, I think it represents) showing how it isn't a linear process. Also attempts to steer your thoughts out of the tragic event even if it leads to not processing your trauma when she takes characters away from the forest."

"I see it as someone who means well and wants to lead you on the right path but unknowingly does more harm than good, the girls have to confront there own issues and the girl in white is a distraction from that Almost like the girl in white is keeping them “pure” or something the girls are not, there complicated and have there own separate issues"

"A good friend. A glimpse of kindness in a cruel world. After all, having someone to be there for you makes a world of difference when dealing with trauma. No matter where in the forest you are, she’s always willing to lead you back to the path. :)"

"People in your life who will guide you back to the path. Who won't make you go through a traumatic experience, but show you the warning signs of them and make them a teaching lesson, either purposefully or inadvertently"

"The grandma maybe since in the end we see the grandma has a stuffed wolf in her house so maybe like a younger version of her tries to alert the others of their wolf"

"Some sort of protector of innocence, like those people who will try and shield their kids from everything in the world no matter how unhealthy it is."

"Innocence and childhood, and returning that innocence to each of the girls, being there for them despite what may happen."

"the nagging feeling of what youre doing is wrong and that you should be living by every rule"

"I’m taking this from Izzzyzz’s video but I guess the girls’ innocences?"

"good influences that help us get our life back in track"

"Innocence; avoidance of anything that may hurt you."

"Breaking free from your trauma / past experiences."

"Wisdom, acceptance, health, recovery."

"Acceptance and moving on"

"Innocence/redemption"

"happiness"

"Both a friend to each red and representation of childhood, innocence and life. Wants everyone to be safe even though if you don't risk you don't learn nor truly live. By the end she is stained but still herself showing acceptance and maturity."

"Innocence and fear of growing up."

"Innocence, intuition of danger, inner child, an unwillingness to process bad memories."

Grandmother

21 participants about what they believe the Grandmother reprsents:

"I think the grandmother could represent the end of the girls going though the confrontation of there own issues, they didn’t follow the normal path and on their journey they got very damaged and lost but eventually found a place of rest despite everything"

"just their grandma, she lives out in the boonies and is unfortunately close to where all the incidents happen or they never made it to her house until after the incident (they were on their way there when it happened if i phrased that weirdly)"

"An easy but bland life, one where you don't do things out of fear of being hurt and end up coasting through life with no risks but also doing/learning nothing at all."

"I don’t believe that grandmother herself represents much, obviously her house is full of meaning for each of the girls, but I believe grandmother herself mainly serves as a goal, an endpoint, and a tie back to the original fairy tale."

"Someone who has had their own experience with wolves and has learned to conquer them and/or live with them (kinda like a wise woman with experience under her belt)"

"Healed trauma, or something along those lines. She's old and had lived through a lot of these things before, and she even has a stuffed wolf in her house"

"A wasted life, a life that was completely and utterly average and unmemorable (seeing as you only see the grandmother if you take the path)."

"Someone who gone through the trauma of growing up. It lives with them and who they are, but it can't hurt them the same way it used to"

"A passive/uninterested parental figure. Either she can’t support them in a meaningful way or she simply doesn't care enough to."

"just grandma. the end of life, someone who has gone through the trials of life and growing up and survived."

"Refusing to confront your problems until it’s too late."

"the reason why all of the girls go down their paths"

"Being stuck in the past / a state of your trauma."

"like�� calm AFTER the storm"

"Being stuck in the past"

"Old age and regret?"

"a lonely death"

"Age/wisdom"

"Old age, the end of ones journey, death."

"Not facing your issues."

"An absent caregiver who cannot protector the girls"

-

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS ALL!!

I started this a while ago, finally got it all finished!

[cheesybadgers]

Endgame Spoilers Ahead

Ok, so I don’t normally write many posts on here, but I need to write all of this down, otherwise I think I’ll go mad. This rambling post is more for my own sanity and therapy tbh.

If you haven’t seen it yet and don’t want spoilers, you have been warned!

Firstly, I enjoyed the experience of the film overall and didn’t hate it or anything. It was the most tense, emotional rollercoaster of a film I think I’ve ever seen and I felt absolutely, completely EXHAUSTED by the time I came out the cinema. I went to a gig a couple of hours later and honestly could have just fallen asleep before the band even came on stage. But I also think that experience will be diminished with multiple viewings, for me anyway. A lot of that experience came from not knowing what was coming and that’s such a fun element to it (again, for me personally).

Secondly, there were parts I really liked, there were some bits I was a bit meh about but let slide and tbh, the last 10 minutes or so didn’t massively upset me whilst I was sat in the cinema. It was only once I was out of there and started to think about it all a bit more that I became increasingly upset and a bit angry.

I was kinda surprised Sam got the shield, but with a bit more explanation I would have been happy with that. Personally, I’m choosing to believe that Steve offered the shield to Bucky first, but he said no, or Bucky just straight up told Steve to offer it to Sam because he didn’t want it. I can completely accept him saying no to it, because he never wanted to fight the world in the way Steve did. Bucky never had a choice in it the way Steve did (plus Sam voluntarily signed up for the military as well...the only bit I struggle with is the fact that Sam isn’t a super soldier in the way Steve and Bucky are, but that conversation is for another day and will hopefully be explored more in the Falcon and Winter Soldier series). He was forced to sign up to fight in WWII, he was forced to be an assassin, he was forced to fight for his own survival in Civil War, because everyone was trying to kill him, he felt obligated to fight in Infinity War/Endgame, because it was the right thing to do and he’s always been fiercely loyal to Steve. Plus he’s blatantly still going to be carrying guilt and trauma for everything he did as The Winter Soldier, to the point where I imagine he wouldn’t even feel worthy of taking up the Captain America mantle. But erm, it would have been nice to, I don’t know, actually see him and Steve have a conversation that explores some of this and consists of more than a couple of lines of dialogue and a brief hug.

Did the writers think the sexual chemistry between them was so strong that if they are even shown on screen together conversing as two long standing best friends would, that they would spontaneously start having sex all over the place??? I just don’t get it!! I’m not even talking about all of this from a shipping point of view, as I and most people never actually genuinely expected them to make Steve and Bucky a couple. But after everything that has happened in the three Cap films, after Steve put his life on the line, became a fugative of the government, broke up the Avengers and went on the run, DROPPED HIS SHIELD SEVERAL TIMES and almost killed Tony all to protect Bucky, they don’t even have the decency to give us satisfying closure on one of the most important and popular friendships in the entire MCU. I just....urgh...I could cry. Well, I have cried tbh. I’ve cried quite a lot, because it’s such a disservice to everyone involved.

I think the first inkling that this wasn’t going to be what I was expecting was the group therapy scene. I was surprised and gotta say disappointed that whilst everyone else in the group was talking about how hard it was to lose someone important to them in the snap, Steve just moped about Peggy. I couldn’t believe it!! The trailers seemed to hint that this was Steve not being able to move on from losing so many people important to him in the snap (not just Bucky and Sam), not because he never got to go on a date several decades ago. Don’t get me wrong, I love Peggy. Honestly, I do. She’s bad ass and a great character and her and Steve would have been great together, but I thought the poignancy of the lost love story was precisely that; a lost love. It was painful and sad, but that was the entire point. He had previously shown signs of moving on and we all know Peggy did move on. I was mildly irritated she had a photo of pre-serum Steve on her desk in the 70′s mind you, unless that was wibbly wobbly MCU timey wimey and her husband was actually Steve in that universe, who knows? I won’t even try get my head around the time travel rules in this post tbh, I’ll leave that for someone else to unpick. I don’t know, it all just felt too over-indulgent on the Steve/Peggy front and like I was being hit over the head with it all the time, when frankly, there were much more pressing issues to deal with.

Of course Steve deserved happiness and being able to put himself first for a change, of course he did. But I just wish they hadn’t done it like this at the expense of years of character development and friendships we’ve repeatedly been told and shown are hugely important to Steve. Part of me wonders why Peggy couldn’t have come to the future (after they’d fixed the stones, HYDRA and Bucky obviously) though? Steve could still have stepped away from being Cap and lived a domestic life with Peggy if he wanted to. She would have thrived in the 21st century and could have hung out with all of the other bad ass women at Avengers HQ (newly re-built of course). It’s not like Steve didn’t adapt to modern life (we use one example of that as a reaction gif all the god damn time :p). So I think it was more the execution of it all that pissed me off really. It had so much potential to be better than this.

So now I’m mostly just looking forward to Falcon and Winter Soldier. Seriously, I’m more excited about that than anything else related to the MCU at the moment. Both Sam and Bucky deserve way more screen time and character development. Imagine an entire episode, let alone a series, where Bucky is allowed dialogue that consists of more than the odd sentence or two? JUST IMAGINE. I’m so here for it. They might even let him be happy, WHO KNOWS?! 

[onecupofskim]

Our experiences in the Plural community over the years

This post will contain brief mentions innapropriate relationships between adults and minors, and trauma denial. Please continue at your own risk.

Around the age of 12-14, we were very active on Kik. There we were engaged with a handful of witchcraft groups, one of which we had a partner by the name of Riley. Riley was 19.

Riley began teaching us about Tulpamancy. They said it was a way to not be so lonely in your own head. As a young child who had no friends in school, this sounded great.

They linked us to a couple of tumblr posts and a google doc and we went to work.

Oh. Right. Nothing happened. Because you can't force a headmate into existance.

Alright. Well if that didn't work, maybe theres something else!

Oh, Spirit bonding! That sounds like it'll work.

So we meditated. Oh, theres someone here! His name is Raphael. Here, lets put him in this ring and when we wear it, he'll be with us. (I'm facepalming just writing this.)

Except. He was always there. Huh. Weird.

Oh, we made a soul bond with a dragon named Mephisto! Kinda weird that I cant find any information about her existence online...

Huh.. none of this is really adding up.

When we were in our freshman year of highschool we learned about kinning.

We became invested. We kinned a demon character named Greyson. Greyson lived in our head and could change his appearance at will-- Wait what do you mean thats not what kinning is?

Later on we found a game that we really liked at the time, despite its dark themes. We "kinned" the main antagonist. When we would get stressed or anxious he would "shift" out and take over. That's normal right?

Back to the tulpamancy again. Someome had reccomended a discord server regarding tulpas. Kinda weird how everyone was saying Sal wasnt a tulpa even though he lives in our head... huh. Weird.

Okay well. Maybe.. Maybe we are a system. We began learning about systems and systemhood around the age of 16-17. We had never heard of DID or even MPD before.

The more research we did, the more we realized that these weren't kins or tulpas or anything else. They were alters.

They were pieces of our childself broken to bits due to childhood trauma.

Woah.

That would explain. A lot.

We were still apart of the kin community, after finally learning what it really was. We had met an individual who's name I cannot recall. We'll call him Shadow for now.

Shadow was an interesting individual.

We spoke with him frequently about our suspisions of being a system. However he doubted us.

He was in his freshman year of college, with goals to persue becoming a therapist. He was in the middle of a Psych 101 class.

He told us about endogenic systems.

He claimed we didn't have nearly enough trauma to warrent a system, and that instead we were a natural system. One that forms because youre lonely, or need someone.

We were confused... Was what we went through growing up not enough..? Maybe hes right. Yeah people out there have it worse. Those are all parts of any normal childhood! (Spoiler alert. They aren't.)

We began engaging with the endogenic community and were suprised by how much hate they recieved. We engaged with the community briefly, but something didn't seem right.

We spoke with a close friend we had known for years at this point. She had actually graduated with a degree in psychology. We spoke to her about our experiences and she began to tell us more about DID. And looking back on it now, what she told us was all truthful information. Thank you Ali, you're a lifesaver.

We stopped engaging with endos. We found evidence against them. We learned and grew.

We had a few more.. interesting. Experiences with an ex partner but. Thats another post for another time.

Long story short, our experiences with the plural community led us astray from actually acknowledging and accepting the fact we were traumatized. We ended up getting support for our trauma much later than we could have.

This is why we are anti endo. This is why we are anti tulpa. A constant spread of misinformation led us to falling off our path to healing when we needed it most.

[brotherdusk]

You inspired me to check out Pathologic, no clue what this game has in store for me tho :] thanks!

oh good god anon, my initial reaction to this ask was terror 😭

don't get me wrong, I'm so excited to hear I got someone interested in these games, because there's so much about them that's amazing and deserves to be widely appreciated! but I'd be doing my love for it a disservice if I didn't warn you there's a large chance that you won't actually enjoy playing it and will quit without finishing (especially if you go in completely blind)... and that's totally ok! you wouldn't be alone!

pathologic 1 is hard! it's purposefully obtuse and janky and cruel. pathologic 2 is much more polished, but I still stopped playing halfway through because it got too stressful (admittedly I was working an intense job at the time, so maybe I could pick it up again now and have more success). the point is, for a lot of people, actually playing the games themselves isn't always the best way to consume pathologic - and it's okay if it's not for you! you can and should enjoy it in other ways! (I'm still really glad I did play as much of 2 as I did, though - some aspects of the gameplay and atmosphere have to be experienced firsthand to be truly appreciated.) (EDIT: can’t believe I forgot to say this but the marble nest DLC for pathologic 2 is perfect, self-contained, can be played without touching the main game, and is much easier. huge recommend if you’ve got the cash to spare)

I also can't recommend SulMatul's longform playthroughs enough if you want to experience the entire game without having to suffer through it yourself - she runs every route, voice acts the NPCs (the irish accent she gave to Bad Grief is permanently etched in my mind because it's perfect), she knows the lore inside and out, and her in-character roleplaying is fantastic. start with her bachelor playthrough if you’re interested, the audio is rough at times but so worth it

and even if you do enjoy playing the games yourself and don't need to take the easy way out like me, I still highly recommend watching hbomberguy's Pathologic is Genius, And Here's Why video essay at some point. it's a deep analysis of the plot, meta, and mechanics of the first game (no spoilers for the second game) and was responsible for kicking off my interest in the series in the first place.

that was a lot! again, I'm super flattered that my pathologic posting inspired you to check it out, and I hope you find your ideal way to consume all the amazing things it has to offer <3 please feel free to drop by again at any point and let me know how you're finding it!!

[loveisneurotic]

Kaguya-sama Blind Reaction/Analysis: S1E1

Hello everyone, this is my blog which I am currently using to react to and analyze Kaguya-sama: Love Is War much more seriously than I should analyze any romcom.

I have only seen the first episode of the anime, which this post shall explore using far too many words. If I'm feeling particularly motivated, I may read the manga as well.

My analysis will contain spoilers. If you're thinking of watching this show and haven't seen it yet, I recommend you at least go check out the first episode yourself before reading any further. I don't know what the rest of the show is like, but what I've seen so far has been both entertaining and thought-provoking.

I'm going in mostly blind, but not entirely blind. There are a few images of the anime and manga that I have been exposed to, although without the attached context. Due to cultural osmosis and the sheer popularity of this work, perhaps that was almost inevitable.

Figure 1.1.1: Why did this guy write an essay about a single episode of an ongoing romcom?

Kaguya-sama: Love Is War

Season 1 Episode 1

I Will Make You Invite Me to a Movie / Kaguya Wants to Be Stopped / Kaguya Wants It

Power dynamics in relationships

Figure 1.1.2: Immediately, the mangaka's tastes become clear.

I heard a saying once that really stuck with me: "The partner who cares the least has all of the power."

In the world of dating, I often sincerely believed this saying. You may yearn for someone's affection, but the other person need not give it to you until they are willing and ready. No matter how much you want it, you can't make someone more interested in you, unless you resort to being roundabout, such as adding some mystery and intrigue to your courtship. But is that excessive?

I once felt a potential lover slipping through my grasp, and before I knew it, I found myself chasing after them. As I was yearning for their attention, I felt as if I'd lost my dignity. It was humiliating. Painful. Was it just that they weren't the right person for me? Or was I not funny enough? Not charismatic enough? Not interesting enough? Too clingy? Too talkative? Should I have been more distant and given them more space? Did I seem too weak? Too eager? How should I have maximized my desirability? Regardless, I had surely lost. Perhaps they wanted the satisfaction and validation of conquering me. Playing me for a fool and asserting their superiority by being so distant. Isn't that right? Or is that just insecurity speaking? At what point is it ideal to cut one's losses and walk away?

If someone desperately wants the object of their affection to desire them, does that make them pathetic? Does it make them a loser? If you show more vulnerability and desire than the other person, does that truly make you the weak one in a relationship?

These questions plague our two protagonists and seem to be a driving force behind the main conflict. Since I have also grappled with how much to reveal my own feelings of desire, I find Kaguya-sama: Love Is War to be a particularly fascinating show.

Desire without action

Figure 1.1.3: Our protagonists are gifted with impressively high academic intelligence paired with impressively low emotional intelligence.

The show wastes no time in introducing us to our two main protagonists. Kaguya was born into a family of high stature (and says "ara ara" frequently enough to power a small country of weebs), whereas Shirogane is a "commoner" (Kaguya's word, not mine) who worked hard to reach the pinnacle of the student body. Like timid schoolchildren, they're crushing on each other, and yet they refuse to admit it due to their pride. Instead, they focus on getting their "opponent" to confess their love first.

What stuck out to me immediately is how they both have different ideas of what their relationship would be like. Shirogane envisions Kaguya as blushing, shy, and conventionally cute, whereas Kaguya (thankfully) envisions herself taking absolute dominance over Shirogane (which plenty of people should see coming as a character trait after the anime's very first scene). The bad news about this is that their two fantasies are at odds. The good news about this is that the mangaka has fantastic taste -- you can learn a lot about a storyteller based on the characterization of a love interest or lead character of the author's preferred gender.

In the event that the two of them become an actual couple, I wonder how on Earth they'll reach a compromise as to how they'll treat each other. Perhaps they will have to figure that out before they can even get that intimate.

I appreciate that we get to see both of their perspectives. It hammers home how everyone has a different truth in regards to what they desire and what they experience, and the show does not hold back when it comes to showing just how different these truths can be -- such as a certain lunch-themed sequence that I will talk about later. This works to great dramatic and comedic effect.

That said, when you spend your time fantasizing about what could happen instead of actually taking action, time is not so friendly to you.

Half a year passes.

Figure 1.1.4: Two geniuses dedicate their pride to wasting their life and energy.

Immediately, I got the impression that whoever wrote this segment of the story knows what they're doing. This is too real. And by "too real", I mean I very much appreciate the realism. How many of us have waited for ages (or for eternity) to confess our feelings to a specific someone?

This is the curse of having a crush and being incapable of acting on it. It's also why I hate having crushes.

Manufacturing affection in others, AKA the extraction of vulnerability

Figure 1.1.5: A plan is devised to weaponize jealousy in the name of affection.

To express your truest feelings means being vulnerable. That implies taking a risk and feeling responsible for any potential consequences of rejection, as well as putting our dignity on the line. It would be so much easier for the object of our affection to make themselves vulnerable instead. So instead of being direct and honest, we act indirect. We drop hints. We act suggestively, but not explicitly. We may even place them in situations where we think they are more likely to confess. If they don't pick up on it, we can pretend we didn't mean anything by it. That way, we don't have to risk our dignity. We can just wait for them to make the move.

It sucks.

Incidentally, it sucks even more when both you and your love interest are thinking that way.

It sucks infinitely more when both you and your love interest are COMMITTED to thinking that way.

Someone has to break the deadlock, whether that's immediately or eventually.

If this show isn't one of those romcoms where the status quo never changes ever (judging by the quality of writing, I have faith that it isn't), then at some point, either Shirogane or Kaguya is going to have to be explicit about how they really feel. And it's going to feel scarier to them than anything else they've ever done.

It's gonna be great.

If we could all grow up and live in environments where it's safe and encouraged for all of us to be honest about how we feel and what we want, surely love would be much less painful for so many people.

Chaos theory

Figure 1.1.6: If your prospective lover won't protect you, then your friend definitely will.

Chika is the ideal wild card and agent of chaos in this arena of love.

From a writing perspective, Chika is immensely useful. The mangaka probably could have gotten by without a third character in the mix, but she serves as a catalyst and an unknown element, able to create unpredictability and subversion of expectations. For a comedy-oriented story, this is invaluable.

Blissfully unaware of the mental turmoil that plagues our two lovesick dorks, she is able to unintentionally invalidate whatever schemes that Kaguya or Shirogane spent so much mental energy on, which adds extra comedy and tension for the audience. She is also an effective vehicle for Kaguya's jealousy and projection, as seen in the lunchbox scene which I have so graciously foreshadowed.

Figure 1.1.7: We have confirmed visual on an unidentified fourth person. Chekhov would love this. From their posture, I wonder if they'll be a gloomy character?

Misunderstandings and assumptions

I've heard that most interpersonal conflicts in life emerge from misunderstandings. In the absence of communication, assumptions are born and give rise to misunderstandings.

You may know where I'm going with this. Let's talk about the lunchbox sequence.

Figure 1.1.8 (not pictured because tumblr wishes to deny me of my image spam): Kaguya is too prideful to admit she thinks that a couple is doing something cute.

Figure 1.1.9: Pride is considered a sin for a reason.

From a writing perspective, I was impressed by the lack of romantic intentions in Shirogane in this whole sequence. Not once did he try to get Kaguya to show vulnerability to him. Instead, Kaguya is the only one spinning the situation in a romantic way, while Shirogane's driving force is the misunderstanding that Kaguya is looking down on him for what he eats. Because of this misunderstanding, Shirogane doubles down and makes his food even better, making the situation even more complicated and more stressful for Kaguya. This was definitely my favorite comedy sequence from the first episode.

I appreciate that the show has demonstrated the ability to create these scenarios where one of the characters doesn't even have love on their mind, but there are still romantic thoughts coming from the other character which drives the drama. It gives me a lot of faith in the variety this show will have to offer, and makes me excited to watch more.

When it comes to comedy rooted in misunderstandings, it is important to have miscommunication or lack of communication. In order to resolve a misunderstanding, you need to talk about it. For a pairing as dysfunctional as Kaguya and Shirogane, expecting healthy communication sounds highly unreasonable, which makes them prime material for a whole world of misunderstandings.

Misunderstandings are rooted in assumptions about what the other person meant when they said something or made a certain gesture or expression. When Kaguya glared at Shirogane and his food, he didn't even think to ask "What's the matter?" He just made an assumption about how she felt. I wonder if trying to understand Kaguya's feelings would be considered a sign of weakness by Shirogane?

A prerequisite to initiating an emotional conversation is the desire to understand or be understood by the other person -- assuming that your assumptions haven't already built a narrative for you. It is far easier to make assumptions than it is to attempt any sort of understanding.

In the end, Shirogane fled, unwilling to confront or attempt to understand the intense and passive-aggressive Kaguya. Kaguya feels that she cannot directly ask to try his lunch, so perhaps this is the closest she can get to initiating such a conversation with him at this time. Despite their mind games where they imagine the reactions of their opponent, they still have a lot of difficulty understanding each other.

I am curious to see if this prospective couple's communication skills and emotional intelligence will improve over the course of the story.

The burden of potential romance

Figure 1.1.10: Even the infallible genius Kaguya succumbs to superficial jealousy. It's "mind over matter" versus "matter over mind". That's how the saying goes, right?

Chika is a free spirit, able to ask Shirogane for whatever she wants without being neurotic. That is the power of not being bounded by a crush. Kaguya, who lacks that degree of freedom, briefly loathes her for experiencing something that Kaguya cannot ask for. It's amazing how much someone's feelings for a friend can change without a single word being spoken between them. All it takes is an action, unintentional or not, combined with the raw strength of insecurity. Just as quickly, the status quo can return back to normal too, with the act of properly making up.

To Chika, asking for food from someone doesn't mean anything at all, whereas with Kaguya, it is an admission of defeat. In that sense, a relationship that will only ever be platonic brings peace of mind, whereas a relationship that can be potentially romantic brings leagues upon leagues of anxiety if the outcome is of great concern.

Love is neurotic.

Is love worth the pain? For some people, it is not. For others, the reward is immense -- but only if you can make sure your relationship with this person doesn't end up being a nightmare for your emotional health.

Love and self-identity

The final scene of the episode surprised me in a good way. It's a brief departure from the comedy, and reveals a more heartfelt side of the show.

Kaguya's servant asks her an insightful question. It is substantially more insightful than I would expect from any romcom: "If you fell in love some day, would you wait for that person to confess their love, like now? Or would you confess your love?" I found myself immediately curious to hear Kaguya's answer, since I knew it would be highly informative about her character.

"If that time comes, I would consider the risk of someone stealing him first and come to the one rational conclusion." Even in the realm of love, Kaguya seems precise and calculating. It's as if she hesitates to give a straight answer, but then she confirms: "Of course I would go."

Figure 1.1.11: "Please understand."

It is not embarrassment or rejection that Kaguya fears; it is the absolute destruction of her identity and sense of self. Kaguya is the daughter of a family that practically runs the country. In her mind, everyone yearns for her and wishes to serve her. Turning that around and reaching out to another person to express her own desire would be a direct contradiction of that. It is probably a similar situation for Shirogane, where the infallible self-image he has built up is being put at risk during his romantic duels against Kaguya.

Kaguya clearly feels trapped. She and Shirogane see each other as threats to be conquered, but in reality, they both share a mutual enemy that is much more imposing and insidious: their own simultaneous disgust at the idea of vulnerability.

Their freedom is dominated by their insecurities, and so, even despite their impressive stature, they are still very human. Their upbringing that has lead them to become so accomplished may be more of a curse than a blessing, due to the resulting pride and self-image they likely feel pressured to uphold.

It is hard to cast aside a lie that you have bought into for your whole life.

If our two protagonists wish to have a chance of establishing a healthy romantic relationship, they have a lot of their own demons to overcome first. If they cannot set aside their pride and reach mutual understanding, they have no hope.

Until then, they will both remain trapped in a hell of their own design, however tragically comedic it may be.

My hopes for this story's future

I can tell that the mangaka, unlike far too many writers all over the world, actually seems to have a solid understanding of romance and the conflict that arises within. I've watched too many anime that place huge focus on the "will they or won't they" crap which never runs any deeper than one or both of the characters being too embarrassed to just say what they're thinking, without any sort of convincing mental blocker. In that case, it's clearly just manufactured drama which is designed to pad out the story and waste your time rather than pose interesting questions and themes. In the case of Kaguya and Shirogane, the two of them have substantial communication issues which are depicted in a comedic yet mature way, which I have found engaging.

I very much hope that the show will more deeply explore the themes and questions surrounding the ideas of vulnerability, emotional intelligence, and superiority within relationships. Kaguya and Shirogane have been set up to be great vehicles for such exploration, and I hope the mangaka can capitalize on that, especially if our protagonists can confront these issues directly.

My impression is that the ending will make or break this story. If the mangaka can pull it off well, I can already believe the payoff will be hugely satisfying.

Of course, in order to get to that point, we'll have to see a certain something. It has to do with the most sacred word amongst romcom enthusiasts: "progress". Indeed, after spending chapters upon chapters watching two characters bumble around amidst the same exact status quo, those little signs of advancements in a relationship are highly rewarding.

Underneath all of their aggression, if we can see Kaguya and Shirogane slowly open up to each other and realize the benefits of vulnerability, I think we could witness something really beautiful and really emotionally cathartic.

I've still only seen one episode, but I believe the mangaka has laid a fantastic groundwork for a series and can do a great job developing upon what I've seen so far. On that note, I will surpass our prideful protagonists by opening my heart to this story and entrusting it with my vulnerability, believing it can deliver satisfying development and resolution. You can do it!

Closing thoughts

I did not expect to write so much about a single episode of an ANIME of all things, but here we are. If only I could conjure this kind of power back when I actually needed it in high school English class!

The first episode alone is already so rich with characterization and themes that I managed to find quite a lot to talk about. Given how much I found myself relating to the characters and some of their situations, it's clear to me how this show became so popular. Not only are the animation, direction, and writing excellent, but also many people can probably relate to love feeling like a battlefield.

I do not want to believe in the idea of winners and losers in relationships. That idea creeps into my head whenever I'm having trouble keeping the interest of a new date, and I find myself wondering where those thoughts even come from. Lately, I have been reflecting on the way I relate to other people. Perhaps I've started experiencing this show at a time in my life when I most needed it, and that's why I felt driven to write such a large analysis.

This show poses some very interesting questions about romance that I do not actually know the answer to at the time of writing. I do not know yet how much the show is actually going to explore these themes. Regardless, I appreciate how this show is helping me reflect, and I am curious to see if and how the mangaka will answer some of the questions brought about by the story's themes.

This is a show that I'll most likely have to pace myself with. There was so much to process in this first episode alone. If I went any faster, I'm not sure if I'd even catch all of the details and character moments. I'm excited to move onto the second episode soon.

A highly subjective footnote about my cultured tastes

I'm glad that Kaguya is a sadistic dom with a gentle and vulnerable side, solely on the basis of that being my favorite personality type in a love interest. It also helps that it makes Kaguya's fantasies that much funnier with Shirogane acting so out of character. I feel like this show was made for me.

What was I writing about again? Oh yeah, writing a gigantic wall of text about an anime romcom. Somehow, I spent an entire day on this essay. Hopefully someone got a kick out of it.

[misskittysmagicportal]

I’m A Creep

Fandom: The Messenger Jack x Rin Davies

Word Count: 5k

Warnings: suicide discussion, oral sex, penetration, mention of masturbation, angsty whomp because OOOOF is Jack a Whomp!character

Note: The events of this fic contain spoilers for those of you who havent seen The Messenger.  It takes place after the end of the movie.  Read at your own risk if you haven’t seen it!  If you want it’s free on Tubi :)

Present Day:

Jack stood beside Rin in the dead of night watching her sleep for just a moment. Only a moment because she roused the instant she sensed him breathe. Sitting up, she quickly reached inside the nightstand. He knew her routine, Rin was impulsive about making sure her leather motorcycle gloves were on before she let him in.

Jack wordlessly pulled his shirt over his head and stepped out of his sweatpants and boxers. 

Rin lifted her covers and opened her legs to him. Obliging, Jack lowered himself onto her showering her neck with kisses. His tongue and lips trailing down along her collarbone, erection hard against her thigh. A hand found its way under Rin’s t-shirt and over a naked breast where he pinched at a nipple. 

“Jack,” she was breathless. “Stop. Don't touch my skin, please.”

Jack pushed himself up by the arms, “How is this enjoyable to you, duck?” A northern term of endearment. “My thighs ah touchin’ you aren't they?” The moonlight caught his eyes as he teased her with the head of his cock. “What about this, inside you?” Suggestively whispered. 

Rin moaned but held her cool. “It’s not the same. Like you said, that's inside. It's just my.. skin. From my..” her voice trailed off. 

“Would it be so bad? I just want to feel you under me without fuckkin clothes.” Jack took a chance and kissed her. Tongue pushing inside of Rin, but she stiffened. “Sweetheart,” now he whispered, just his fingertips brushed her cheek. “Please, love, just touch me”

--------

Several Weeks Before:

Rin sat alone at a center table in the middle of the visitation room.  This wasn’t her first rodeo, probably won’t be her last.  She flexed her hands outwards the leather of her gloves cracking and flexing in a satisfying manner.  No one was going to come and see her. Besides, the solitude allowed her to quietly spy on all the other nutters around the room.

Just to her left Rin noticed a pretty redheaded woman and her son as they sat across from probably the most attractive guy ever in an institution.  There was a tenseness to the way he sat, shoulders hunched and hands between his legs.  His hair unruly and a blank stare that wasn’t really focusing on- she came to realize-  his sister and nephew.  Rin knew him from group therapy where he was equally quiet, eyes glassy from a psych med cocktail.  The majority of his speaking hours tucked away in that overbearing therapist’s office.  

“Jack, will you please just look at me?” his sister, Emma tried her best to reach out to her brother. “I.. I think Martin and I made a mistake.” 

Jack only stared straight ahead between Emma and his nephew, Billy. The preteen looked uncomfortable and scared as his mother nudged him softly. “It's ok. Billy tell Uncle Jack.” 

“I did, Mom” , his voice quiet. “I'm supposed to say no. That you should get me help before it's too late.”  Rin watched as Billy folded his arms and laid his head down. “Only I can't. It's all night and day, Jack. I can't sleep because they don't have you.” 

“Best leave him here with me then, Emma.” It was the first time anyone heard Jack speak in weeks. His sister had a posh accent, so Rin was surprised when Yorkshire dripped from his lips. “For good, right?” 

“That's not fair. You are sick, Jack.  You weren't caring for yourself. You.. you got too involved with that murder. You were hurting yourself,” Emma struggled with tears. “I want to take you home.”

“Oh like I'm some kind of fookin dog? Emma you and Martin made it clear I belong here. She's right, maybe it was all dad. That's traumatic you know.” 

“You deserve someplace warm! A home. Please, Jack. I found this in your things.” She slid a newspaper clipping towards her brother. “That's the boy who drowned. Why.. why didn't you tell me?” 

“Loads of kids drown in pools,” Jack stated bluntly with a shrug. “Why should your pool be any different?” 

“I never said it was our pool.” 

“I recognized the address in the article”

“Jack, it's from two years ago.” 

“I got lucky. Ah we doon here? I have walls to stare at. Here Billy you can have this back,” from between his knees he produced a glass paperweight with a scorpion inside. “Tell all ya mates Crazy Uncle Jack sends his loov” 

Jack tried to stand but Emma grabbed his arm. This was Rin’s cue to swoop in. She swiftly moved from her table to theirs. 

“JACKIE!’ I've been looking for you everywhere!” His eyes panicking in her direction. “I'm Wren,” she took her glove off and reached a scarred hand in Emma's direction. “But my brother couldn't say it so you can call me Rin” She smiled brightly. 

Emma tentatively shook Rin’s hand, smiling in turn.  Rin took a moment as her mind’s eye zoned in on what was inside of Jack’s sister.  It was a loneliness, a desperation to take care of her little brother but protect her son from the same fate.  But most importantly Rin felt a small tingling of warmth from somewhere deep inside of Emma’s heart.  It was white and pure and instantly recognizable as hope.  Even though it was tiny it was growing and starting to spread, and Rin knew Emma was eager to share that with her brother.

“Wow,” Rin blurted, “I wish my brother was as invested in me as you are.  You’re a good person, Emma.  Trust me,” she winked.  “Woman’s intuition.”

Emma narrowed her eyes and studied the crazed looking woman standing between her and Jack.  The scars on Rin’s hand raised some alarms, but Emma ignored them.  She omitted a relief and let go, “Well thank you.  Can you talk some sense into my brother?”

Moments later, with the visitors gone, Rin sat down in Emma’s place.  “Thank you is a start,” she teased Jack. 

He rolled his eyes and slowly turned in her direction to face her dead on.  The intensity of his eyes took Rin by surprise.  “Thank you,” the sarcasm poured like a waterfall.

Rin took off her other glove.  “Now, Mr-”

“Jack is fine.”

“Jack.  Tell me,” Rin feigned a German accent, “Und why do zey sink you are crazy.”   

He blinked slowly.

“You got sectioned.  What bullshit excuse did they force you to believe?  Because it seems like Lovely Emma is desperate to get you out, and we know how hard that is.”

Jack took an impossibly deep breath, “Schizo-effective disorder with some dissociation, post traumatic stress disorder, non-suicidal self injury disorder and depression.”

“Fuck me, that's a trail mix of bonkers. Now ask me” 

Jack closed his eyes. They were shut for so long that Rin was certain he had fallen asleep having given in to his meds. His hunched, thin body sort of folded a bit in on itself. A moment of possible self-soothing when he started to sway. 

“Jack?” Rin's tone fell quietly with concern. She poke his arm carefully avoiding touching the skin. “Darling what cocktail did these quacks put you on.” She was an expert after all these years; if the drugs were working, no way would he be this much of a zombie.

Green blank eyes hidden behind enviable eyelashes attempted to focus “Seroquel. Clozapine?” His words start to slur a bit. “Fine. How fucking barmy are you?”

“Well,”  the young woman softened, “I have suicidal ideations with self-injury tendencies myself, severe clinical depression, a bit of the old borderline personality disorder and wait for it..”  she practically whispered a few inches from Jack’s face, “total emotional attachment to partners.”  

The skin around Jack’s eyes crinkled as he squinted just enough to indicate his hazed brain was trying to process everything Rin just unloaded. His lips parted to speak but he paused resulting in a gobsmacked expression.  “You’re barking.”

“Says the sexy scarecrow with journo clippings of dead boys.”  Rin pursed her lips and crossed her arms, “Why are you really in here Jack.”

“I’m fucking mad.” It was matter of fact.

“To quote the Cheshire Cat, we’re all mad here, love.  Look at me,” she held her hands aloft to display gnarled and prominent scars covering both hands in their entirety.  “I developed a gift or two by primary school.  See I can touch a person, and I know what they are feeling.  Except it.. It goes deeper than that.  I can PICTURE their true selves.  It’s a bit overstimulating, but no one can lie to me.  Not really.  Doesn’t do much for my sex life.  Or lack of one really.  Honestly, you put a cock in your mouth only to find out the guy you’re with is fantasizing about slitting your throat and wanking in your blood.”

Jack shook his head, “Jesus christ.”

“Well yes! My parents were religious zealots, right?  They got wind of my gifts.  Tried to use me in the church, but I rebelled.  Long story short, darling Mumsy and Papa decided if they may be stuck my hands in boiling grease I wouldn’t be able to use it anymore.  It’s not in my hands though.  It’s in my skin,” Rin smiled almost pleasantly. “Sometimes I get a bit over the edge.  I stop shielding myself from the pure air around folks, I suffocate in it.  Then,” now she held out her wrists, “I have my little accidents.”

Jack’s mouth hung agape.  His brows furrowed in confusion, “You are off you’re fucking nut.”

“That’s all relative.  Now, you can tell me why they REALLY sectioned you.  What power or ability are they masquerading as mental illness, or I can find out my way.”  Rin shrugged. 

“Why the fuck do you care?  I’m sleeping at night.  I have food and a bed and a shower.”

“Und electro-shock zerapy, und coma inducing psychopharmaceuticals, und most importantly you has lost your voice und a chance to harness your ability correctly.”  that mock German accent again.  “You shouldn’t be here, Jack.  Emma certainly doesn’t think so, and neither do I.  You’re special.  Or that bitch shrink wouldn’t have made you the living dead.”

Jack snorted followed by a rather loud.  “Just fuck off. Fuck off.  Fuck off.  FUCK OFF!” he screamed in Rin’s face.  Not once did she flinch, arms crossed again in a challenge. Disgusted by her, Jack kept bellowing his words thick with anger and cotton from the meds, “I DON'T BELONG OUT THERE EITHER!  I DON'T BELONG IN HERE!  I DON’T FUCKING BELONG ANYWHERE. HE’S DEAD.  SHE’S DEAD.  EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THE CUNTS IS DEAD!  DEAD DEAD DYING!  JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!” 

He shot up out of the chair to leave, but Rin caught his large hand.  Skin to skin, hands so small together they barely covered just his one.  Instantly her body stiffened as she gasped for air.  Tears immediately stung her eyes as she crammed them shut.  There in her mind was just a large body of water.  Ocean waves crashed overhead as she sank far below the surface.  Dark, cold, horrifying that sensation of being drowned.  Rin choked on the last bit of oxygen in her lungs and started to suffocate.  The hand she held brought her mind’s eye around to opening under the water to see Jack floating near-motionless in front of her.  It took all of her strength to push against the tide towards him where she held his face in her hands.  Death and decay flashed above them, the dead peering down from boats just waiting for Jack to return to the surface.

Rin strained to convey that tiny bit of hope Emma had passed along to her earlier as she pressed her forehead into Jack’s in the icy deep.  There was no reason in particular that she was drawn to him.  Not in the hospital or here trying to save him from drowning slowly. Was he attractive, undoubtedly, but that wasn’t all or it. Maybe it was now that she knew he was a messenger, a harbinger of death.  That was itself a form of an empathic gift.  Or it was just compassion. 

Suddenly Jack’s eyes burst open.  In that languid way your body moves underwater, he pushed her away.  His arms and legs thrashed around in a panic as if he only just realized he was allowing this place to kill him.  There was an instant loss, and Rin’s inner self slammed into a brick wall.  The physical Jack had severed the connection between her body and his.  To resurface that suddenly forced Rin gulping in blessed oxygen that she never really lost.  It was an illusion, where the two of them had been.  He really had shoved her back though, she realized that now.  Storming out of the visitation center, Jack left Rin alone to cry.

--------

Several days later

Rin lounged against the wall outside of Jack’s room with her gloves firmly in place.  Patients weren’t SUPPOSED to fraternize outside of the common rooms, but Rin had been here a few times before.  She knew which orderlies and nurses to finess, and which to avoid.  In this case Jerry was the giant, affable St Bernard of a man that kept watch in this particular hallway.

“Wren back so soon?” he teased. “What are you doing hanging around the human handbook for the recently deceased?” 

“Delightful, Jer.  How is he?  I mean really.” Rin hooked her thumb in the direction of the room.

“Easiest patient I’ve dealt with on account of he rarely speaks, pops his meds and keeps to himself.  Gave us a bit of a row when he first got here, but I like the guy.  I don’t know what to believe though.  His sister’s been sniffing around administratives.”  The orderly shrugged his massive shoulders.  “Heard you took quite the piss on visitation day.”

“I didn’t take the piss!” 

“Did ya do your handsy thing,” Jerry made jazz hands.

Rin’s eyes almost rolled back in her head, but suddenly there was a figure in the doorway which caused her to jump.  “How about we don’t talk about the nutter like he isn’t 10 feet away and only 27 years old?” Jack insisted.  His arms crossed and shoulders sagged in their usual way.  

“Can we talk?”  

Before Jack could truly answer, Rin had already pushed past him and sat down on his bed.  His mouth hung somewhat agape before he eventually joined her.  Jack attempted to sit close, just for some human contact, but the young woman beside him shied away.

“Right,” a retort.  “You’ve started being just as bloody fucking annoying as they were.”

Startled, “Who?”

“You know those.. Schizo delusions I’m here for.”

“The dead?”

Jack’s green eyes narrowed and Rin knew there was a sarcastic remark just sitting there waiting to be released.  Instead he curled his posture as if he was trying to fold in on himself.  Make himself smaller, less noticeable.  “Dissociations sparked by my father’s suicide.”

“Psycho babble bullshit jargon.  Congratulations, you’ve become a parrot.”  Rin waved her hand, “Jack has anyone ever-.”  There was a hesitation.  

“Has anyone ever what? Go on, enlighten me then”

Rin started stripping her gloves off but thought better of it.  A sense of foreboding, of drowning and clutching her chest for hair flashed across her mind.  The loneliness emanated from Jack without her touch. That empathic conduction of her skin.  Reaching instead to place the soft leather against his cheek, her thumb brushed his bottom lip.  Her eyes searched for him in that moment where time stood still before a mouth replaced a thumb.  

To not only Rin’s surprise but his own, Jack didn’t recoil.  His body relaxed as instinct took hold. There was a fervor in hands that got tangled up in hair.  Tongues fought each other as arms made their way around bodies in an embrace.  They held one another tight, the desperation apparent.  

The spell broke when Jack laid Rin down on the bed and let his warm mouth trail down her neck. He was awkward and hungry like a teenager.  He fumbled around her chest to attempt massaging her breast. 

A snort came from Rin simply to hide the panic of rushing water when Jack’s lips came into contact with her skin.  Maybe hers found it easier to beg off that inner eye from opening, but now she didn’t have a choice.  They weren’t as deep with the surface just rippling only a few inches away.  

Before she started to lose oxygen again, Rin began to squirm.  “ Stop.  Please?”

Jack sat up and faced forward as if nothing had transpired.  His cheeks flushed and a hand tugged at his tee-shirt embarrassingly then stuffed between his legs. He blinked a few times as he breathing calmed. 

“I only came to ask you if anyone had ever shown you affection.  Held you.  Emma.. Emma”  Rin inhaled deeply as she forced Jack to hold her glove hand.  “I know she sort of longs to hug you.”  Back on his cheek to make him look at her. “Obviously I got my answer,” she laughed. 

Jack silently replied by pushing his forehead into Rin's.  They laid down again this time with their heads on his pillow legs and arms tangled up in each other. Jack nuzzled the edge of his nose into the skin behind her ear; her breath caught. Then the couple seemingly melted together.

“Jack you seem less-” fingers twisted up in his curls.

“Like a walking coma patient?” hand gripped the thick of her thigh.  Then reaching a shelf above Rin Jack seized one of those creepy glass paperweights housing a floating tarantula. Turning it over underneath to show a tiny white envelope. “I started hiding my meds. Pass them along to my sister when she visits.”

Just under the surface of the water, still struggling for air exploded before Rin's eyes. Perhaps she had passed something between Emma and Jack. Was it her own faith that was transmitted to him? That first touch that woke him up after all this time. 

The next few weeks became a game of trial and error. Of how little or much Rin and Jack could consume of each other.  Kissing was no longer an issue once the meds began to wear off, lips and tongues and mouths. It felt more like standing ankle deep in a bathtub. Warm and comforting; it was Jack that was overpowering.  

Eager to make up for a very long very lost amount of time. He stumbled along Rin's body uneasily because of how little clothing she removed at first. Not that he was in a rush to reveal what was underneath his oversized shirt and sweatpants. He wasn’t the one recoiling when the stimulation overwhelmed.  

“I'll take off my shirt. Touch me here, but where the fabric of my bra is. Tease the nipple with just your fingertips. No that's.. maybe under? Touch them. Oh God. Now your mouth. Right there.  Are you.. you took your shirt off too?” (She marveled at how defined, muscular Jack's body seemed despite his slight stature)   

Jack took initiative now and slid his fingers inside of Rin. He pumped them a few times guided by her ``Oh.. maybe you can touch me.. Do you feel.. It’s like a bud or a kernel.. Here let me.. It’s just right.. OH GOD.  Right like.. ”   And she would ride his hand and fingers that circled that bud.  

Rin would cry out in surprise.  Her body exploded in ecstasy. They weren't drowning anymore. Just swimming, bobbed under the water and surface. It was the sense-memory of suffocating, coupled with the dazzling pleasure of Jack's warm tongue as it teased her nipples, his strong fingers teasing her clit at the same time. His hot skin meshed with hers washed out by fear.  She apologized as they scrambled to arrange themselves. 

“Don't think I'm going anywhere for quite some time, my love.”  His words changed with the possessive my in lieu of the once meaningless sentiment. He would steal a chaste kiss from Rin whose cheeks flushed to match his own as he made that familiar adjustment between his legs.  In the future, Rin would come to him without a bra but reluctant to take her shirt off when Jack kept on never minding.

Jerry became an ally of sorts. He always had been on Rin's side after she read him her second section. It wasn't difficult to get him to believe in Jack's abilities. Staff has whispered down the corridors that Jack had suddenly found himself aware of a suicide attempt.  That dead reporter Emma mentioned, his fiancé had taken more pills than Rin ever fathomed any number of her attempts. (She had a flare for dramatics: slit wrists) Jerry mentioned Jack had a tantrum the likes of a toddler screaming the name Sarah whatever over and over, pounding his fists into his head to make whatever haunted him. Sure enough, this Sarah was found nearly having bled out and foaming at the mouth. 

“How would he even fucking know, poppet? Not unless Jack really was chatting up her dead fiancé “ As if that was all he needed, Jerry turned his back and caused distractions all the nights the Empath and her Beautiful Broken Man longed to be together.

It was stunning the way Jack learned to manipulate the system.  Only Rin, and reluctantly Jerry, knew he pocketed his meds.  Safely tucked away in those ugly arachnid globes in the pockets or purse of Billy and Emma.  He started talking more in group therapy and far less in private sessions.  Engaged in conversations with his sister and nephew, true ones that resulted in a simple smile or a laugh free from a facetious tone.  To the staff and doctors those fucking psychopharmeceuticals worked.  To Jack’s sister and nephew and whatever Rin was to him, there was a slowly lifting weight making the air around him lighter. Yet Rin kept her hands to herself.

More trial and error.  In the midst of fervent kisses, Rin took Jack in her hand.  A stroke or two was all she got in before he spasmed and came.  The mortification that flashed in his eyes as he curled in a fetal position between her and the wall while she whispered reassurances in his ear.  Touching him, caressing him and eventually taking him into her mouth became easier and longer with practice and patience.  

They laughed into each other’s mouths before Rin let her tongue trail down over his stomach. Anxiously Jack took off his pants and boxers, lying backwards.  He held the back of her head, moaned and twisted as she licked and sucked on him. His hips bucked and thrust upwards.  

-------------------

Present Day, Again

“Would it be so bad? I just want to feel you under me without fuckin clothes.” Jack took a chance and kissed Rin. Tongue pushed inside of her, but she stiffened. “Sweetheart,” now he whispered,  just his fingertips brushed her cheek. “Please, love, just touch me?”

Rin took a moment to think.  He wasn’t drowning anymore.  She could push that old feeling out of her third eye and bury herself in new ones.  She took a hold of her shirt and tossed it on the floor.  She took the erection that twiced against her thigh and held it just outside of her pulsating and ready sex.  With hands that sunk into her vunerable skin, Jack buried himself inside of her. 

That fire from Emma all that time ago poured from Jack’s body into hers.  It pushed back the water as he pumped rhythmically into Rin.  Building into a frenzy quickly, his pelvis crashed into hers before she could really come around to what was happening.  It briefly conquered the fears from before; caused hot tears to spring to her eyes that flowed uncontrolled down her cheeks.

In his fervor, Jack noticed and bent to kiss them away.  The gesture she had made that first time, a thumb brushed across her cheek and lower lip as he slowed his pace. Wren,” he took to calling her that tentatively.  “What is it?”

Before she could answer, Jack became distracted by something in the corner of the room.  Eyes passed between Rin and whatever it was that she couldn’t fathom or see.  She took his chin and focused it on her as they crashed together and apart again in another wave of building friction. It was too late though, he had abruptly pulled out and away from her. 

“NO!  STOP!  LEAVE ME ALONE!  CAN’T I HAVE ONE MOMENT OF FUCKING HAPPINESS WITHOUT ONE OF YOU LOOMING OVER ME LIKE A FUCKING PERV.”  He used fists to beat out a rhythm on his temples as he scurried to the corner of his bed with knees up to his chest.  

In the frenzy, Rin had been knocked to the floor.  Jerry had rushed in, he was never too far away just in case.  In a whirlwind, he picked Rin up with one hand and with the other attempted to intervene between Jack's fists and his head.  What could either of them do?  If attention was drawn to the room, surely the doctors would realize Jack had gone unmedicated for weeks.  Jerry’s eyes wide gestured towards Rin’s hands.  She shook her head, but Jack carried on.  

“Go on Jenny Wren, there has to be something your hands can do.  I’ll lose my job and you’ll be separated.  They’ll put him back in the Zoo.”  He was already yanking her arms forward and trying to remove her gloves before she could consent.

Rin knew The Zoo. It being rooms that could be monitored with two way mirrors.  You got a bed and a blanket.  They controlled when the lights came on and when they turned them off.  No privilege, no real structure.  They fed you, bathed you, and gave you “playtime” when they said.  No matter how you suffered from mental illness no one deserved that. She would never forgive herself.

“JERRY LET ME DO IT MYSELF!”  Rin bellowed if only to out yell Jack and his fit.  “Make her go away!  LEAVE ME ALONE” he cried underneath her.  Her hands free, she flexed them a few times before joining Jack on the bed.  She clutched his forearms and struggled to get a grip enough to pull them away from self-harm.  “JACK!  YOU HAVE GOT TO FUCKING STOP, MY DARLING.”  She slid her hands over his temples before he could punch them anymore.  She used the heels of her palms and pressed.  

It was immediate, the way her mind opened to him.  This time he was floating along the tide in a boat surrounded by what Rin could only guess were dead people.  They grabbed and tugged on Jack’s clothes.   Rin sat on the other side from him between two oars; she used one to swat at the ghosts who tried to pull them back in.  But there, walking along the surface, was a beautiful young woman.  Blonde hair flowed in waves down her back.  Sarah.

“You said we would be together, Jack.”  She was angry.  “That’s what you told him when he warned you I overdosed.  I survived that attempt, but not the second one.  Where is he Jack?  Why isn’t he here waiting for me?”

Jack stood up and the boat began to dangerously rock. Rin took his hand and he squeezed it in return.  He bellowed at the dead woman, “YOU SURVIVED AND HE MOVED ON.  I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU BEING FUCKING STUPID, SARAH.  WHAT I TOLD YOU WAS MEANT TO EASE YOUR GUILT.  HE LOVED YOU.  YOU WERE SO LOVED.  HE DIDN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR MISTAKES.  YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME ALONE.  ALL OF YOU.  I’M FUCKING DONE.  MOVE ON.  GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.  I CAN’T BE THE ONLY ONE OF MY KIND.  AND FUCK OFF BILLY TOO, MATE.”

“Jack?”  Rin spoke softly.  The hands gripped her tight in place of him.  They started to pull her in with him because he was useless now.  He stood up to them for possibly the first time in twenty years.  They would take her instead then.  

Jack seized Rin’s body before she could go over in his place.  He held her fast and tight and shielded her from them.  “NO.  You don’t fucking get ANYONE I love.  Not Billy.  Not Emma.  Not Martin.  No Wren or Rin.  AND YOU DON’T FUCKING GET ME ANYMORE.”  He took the oar up in his free hand and swung it around the bodies in the water.  He jabbed it forward like a sword at Sarah still pacing the side of the boat.  “GO, SARAH.  HE’S WAITING FOR YOU.  I PROMISE THIS TIME”  Jack insisted and pleaded.

Then it was so silent it deafened both Jack and Rin as they clung to one another in the boat.  In a flash and explosion, they separated and landed back on the bed in the room in an institution.  Jerry panted and pawed at the two of them dazed and uncertain.  Jack blinked a handful of times with no recollection of what just took place in his head and Rin’s.  They never knew or remembered Rin had learned.

Jack scoured the room for any sign of Sarah or anyone else.  He rubbed his eyes a few times then sighed heavily.  “I.. I want to go back to my room now.”  It was matter of fact.  

Jerry nodded and helped him back into his clothes.  Jack stumbled a bit but managed to kiss Rin sweetly before being led away and down the hall.  Rin knew Jerry would probably give him something to help him sleep at least for the night and probably into tomorrow.  She was afraid Jack had woken up a second time.  Not just from his nightmare of the last twenty years, but whatever happened between them.  It was a price she had to pay sometimes when she helped.  There was something Rin longed to say earlier.  What made her cry was an ember somewhere deep inside of Jack that he had never experienced before.  For the first time in his life, he had hope.