#I did have to google some of the sticker achievements tho

[tsuchinokoroyale]

me: I think I will play this cute game about unpacking boxes :)

me, 2 hours later: *cry-typing unpacking (2021) ending explained*

[pepprs]

[DONT RB] ok so there’s no way for me to talk abt this that isn’t gonna make me look like an absolute dumbass but im in the middle of a creative existential crisis and i rly need help figuring it out :•( this is gonna get SUPER LONG so im putting it under a readmore. thank u to anyone who reads this!!! and double thank u to anyone who can give some input / advice, i rly rly appreciate it. im sorry abt the length!

aight so for some background.... ive been drawing n writing poetry for abt 5 yrs now and both of those things r rly important to me. in school im an english major w a creative writing minor (for the poetry) and i work as a graphic designer (for the art) so ive been growing a lot as an artist and writer esp in the past 2 yrs and im kinda workin towards one or the other (or ideally both somehow!) as a career. one of the biggest dreams ive had since i started seriously pursuing both of these hobbies 5 yrs ago is to publish a book of poetry that i design / illustrate myself, and also to have a portfolio online where ppl can read all of my poetry and see all of my artwork (both professional / work stuff but also archives of all of my sketchbooks since those r rly important to me!!!) and maybe even make some sort of online shop where ppl can buy my art (stickers, keychains, etc!) and my poetry books!

that sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!!!!!! why? bc im a fucking idiot! and there are several dumb things i do that make this dream completely impossible for me to achieve! love that for me!

so for starters... ive been posting (almost) all of my art and ALL of my poetry online for all 5 yrs ive been creating it. that’s bad because:

ive hardly ever used my real name (which i would want to use for the book / shop / portfolio), it’s been under my usernames / aliases that go along w them (p*pe, pep, pea, etc and related usernames that shall not be mentioned) and i started going by my real first name only abt a yr ago, but still maintain those usernames for the most part in conjunction w my real name

my work has been primarily been posted to d*viantart and tumblr which aren’t exactly the most uh... professional places to do that. not that there rly are many i guess lmao but still

my online persona on these platforms is rly like. lax and loose which is Cool And Quirky when brought into a professional setting if it’s done right i guess.... but im just immature and unprofessional. i swear all the time, i shitpost constantly, im incessantly tmi? and that’s not even it like it’s just a whole mess!

SO there’s that whole set of problems and like im just concerned because... i stopped posting art online last yr for the most part and a lot of the old stuff that’s on dA (since that was rly where i did it most) is bad and not worth sharing like that anyways, so im not as worried abt that. but my poetry.... i still actively post that online in all my messiness and candidness here and like. it’s rly not that hard to find me? like if u copy a poem of mine and put it in google it’ll pull up my dA right away! and that’s like.... GOD i just am embarrassed for anyone irl to see that or for that to be connected with my irl / professional self in the future, but i don’t want to stop posting my work there (or here!!!!!) bc the community is so supportive and ive made some rly good connections / built a lot of traction over the 5 yrs ive been doing it. (PLUS for the online portfolio i wanna do specifically... i kinda want to post all of my art and poetry there, like everything ive ever done (specifically poetry, ive written almost 500 poems over the 5 yrs ive been doing it!), but i feel like that’s not rly the most professional thing to do and idk how to even gauge whether it is or not :-/)

but that’s not all!!!! because there’s another part to this and that is: the very nature of the content i produce is Not Good! for my art it’s not as much of a problem bc since I work as an artist rn a lot of what i make is professional, but for my personal art... a lot of that is either self portraits or my characters and a lot of my characters are like. animals. like specifically pepe (who is basically Me As A Cat).... i draw her constantly and so much of my best work is of her but it’s just like? embarrassing i guess for my ocs to take up so much of my portfolio and sketchbooks and stuff and share that. like i know everyone has characters and it’s not bad to do that and share that but i feel like ppl will judge me :-( so it’s made me rly hesitant to post stuff to my art ig for example bc i just don’t fucking know how to act, like it’s bad enough that i can’t type the way i want to and i have to type in proper caps n whatever instead bc irls i don’t know / trust as well follow me (including some ppl from work? Yikes?)....... but i feel like i can’t share my sketchbook stuff for example bc it’s all cats and my characters and visual shitposts and im uncomfy to share that bc like... im almost 20 and i don’t want ppl to think im immature or whatever? i kno i should feel like it’s my account and i can post wot i want but like. i fucking can’t bro i just can’t!!

and THEN.... my poetry. that’s the biggie bc like for my art? even tho im uncomfortable i don’t mind sharing that w ppl i know irl but for my POETRY.... it’s very easy to find like where i share that i guess? (the google thing i mentioned earlier but also its linked to my art on here and dA too... f) but i literally never actively share my writing w irl ppl unless im performing @ an open mic or workshopping in class bc im fucking terrified of the possibility of irl ppl finding my poetry. it’s almost ironic how public ive been w it online but how private i am abt it irl... it’s like im living a double life and it’s fucking terrible but it’s the only way i feel safe. bc like art is what i do for other ppl and also to destress and vent when i need a quick fix on my own time. but poetry.... that’s personal, it’s where i feel most like myself, it’s how i talk abt my life and ppl in it and make meaning of things and talk abt things authentically and Get Deep. and my literal worst nightmare is for ppl (who have the explicit ability to by virtue of Knowing Me) to read into it and Understand what im talking abt and have that power over me and see me differently for feeling the way i do or doing what i do. ive actually already been burned by this before after my mom read some work of mine that had been published irl (i don’t want to get too into it but basically i retroactively outed myself thru her reading that poem for what it was and it was Very Very Bad) and as paranoid abt it as i was before, it’s even worse now that it’s actually happened to me and could happen again at any time, esp if i decide to take my work further.

that manifests in a few ways too, like my writing is so cryptic and vague and very heavy on metaphors / symbolism and shit partially out of that deep fear and need to shield myself and my work. sometimes in spaces where i do feel comfy sharing, ppl have a hard time understanding my poetry unless i give context. online and on stage and in workshop ppl don’t rly know me outside of a context where the only thing we have in common is self expression thru poetry, so i don’t rly mind sharing more when it’s appropriate. but if i were to share my work as a book or w/e, ppl im close to (who maybe don’t always think like a poet / artist does bc they aren’t that) would want to buy it and read it and might ask abt what it means and i don’t even know what i would do in that situation. and if ppl were to read my work and see themselves / others in it, whether it is abt them or not, im scared it could genuinely damage relationships like it did with my mom.

SO UH.... idk where im going w this rly, i kno it’s long and rambly and melodramatic and im probably overthinking it and making a mountain out of a molehill and nobody even knows / cares abt me AND my work @ the same time enough to read That Deep into it. but it just fucking sucks that im so uncomfortable and insecure that i can’t comfortably fulfill literally the one single long term goal / life dream that i have. andthe thing that sucks is i can’t talk to Anybody abt this except like... my sister and brother bc they’re the only ppl i genuinely tell everything to, but they don’t have the knowledge and expertise abt art / poetry that like... my poetry prof does, for example. and my poetry prof is one of the best ppl ive ever met and the Only person ive ever met irl who respects and understands my poetry in the exact way i need someone to. she and i have been talking and she rly wants to help me publish my poetry bc she sees merit in my work and knows how bad i want to / how successful it’s been already, but i don’t know how to talk abt this to her bc im embarrassed to tell her abt posting online and being ashamed abt my muses and all that and it just!!! sucks so much bc i kinda want to publish my work @ least once before i graduate and do it semi regularly for the rest of my life? but there’s so much in my way and it’s just! FGGFHDGJGGGG

[aceofstars16]

Lots of tags!

So, I was tagged twice for two different meme things so I thought I’d do both of them in the same tag thing haha xD

Tagged by @book-and-comic-fangirl

Birthday: May 16th

Gender: Female

Relationship status: Single

Hogwarts house: Hufflepuff!!!! 

Time right now: 8:20 (guys, it’s 9:03...it took me forty minutes to do this...xD)

Lucky Favorite number: 16

Last thing I Googled: “feel again lyrics” I though it could apply to one of my OCs so I had to look up the lyrics...xD

Nicknames: Ace, Aceo, Swaya, Spammy (though no one has used Aceo or Swaya in YEARS xD)

Siblings: Yup! I’m the youngest of three, four if you include my sister-in-law. It goes my brother, my sister, then my other brother and his wife then me! (we are like the Pevensies in birth order, though not personality as much, though I’ve always related to Lucy...)

Height: Like 5′6 or 5′7, I have 5′7 on my permit so...I go with that xD

Favorite color: BLUE!!!!

Pets: Three cats, Alex, Ginger, and Juliet

Wake up and sleep time: Ha....hahah....ummm...it’s really bad right now...like...it changes every day but usually in between 12-2 am and then I get up like...between 10-12....hehe...*flops*

Average hours of sleep: I try to get at least 8, but I prefer 9 or 10

Love or lust: Love always

Coke or Pepsi: Both are pretty....eh...so Dr. Pepper or Root Beer or Sprite...like any of those, if I have to choose, Pepsi...but eh...not my favorite...xD

Day or night: Night usually, but I do like the daytime a lot too, at least when it’s not like freezing xD (but it’s been pretty warm recently so, both? xD)

Text or call: TEXT, calling is stressful...

Make up or natural: Natural, I only wear makeup on very rare occasions xD

Met a celebrity: Depends on your definition of celebrity? I’ve met Barlowgirl, Coach K, Penny Chennery, Ronnie Turcotte, John Flanagan, and Marissa Meyer...so??? And I’ve seen Rick Riordan, but I didn’t actually get to like...talk to him xD

Smile or eyes: Smile ^^

Light or dark hair: Both, I mean maybe lighter hair? But I don’t mind dark hair either?

Shorter or taller: Taller

Intelligence or attraction: Intelligence 

Chapstick or lipstick: Chapstick, I put on Burt’s Bees every night cause chapped lips are not fun xD

City or country: Hmm, I like both? Like, the city is nice because you are close to things, but I love the calmness of the country...but I also don’t like the bugs so...? Where I live is a good balance cause we live next to a greenbelt but we are like ten minutes away from downtown xD

Blankets I sleep with: Depends on the season, anywhere from one to like four (also depends on the kind of blanket xD)

Last song I listened to: Uhh, well “Live Forever” by Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors is playing right now (it’s such a calming song <333)

Favorite bands/artists: I like a looot, NEEDTOBREATHE is one of my faves but recently I’ve been listening to lots of Moana and Hamilton xD

Dream trip: Probably a road trip/just country trip to meet a lot of my friends! Though, I’d also love to go to Iceland, and Argentina, London, Italy, Ireland, and Switzerland...(okay but my list grew from last time because my family was actually talking about going to Europe so...yeah, but I REALLY want to go to Iceland...like...really, AND I want to go to the place where they filmed the last scene in TFA because my brother told me it was like in Scotland and I geeked out a little xD)

Favorite fictional character: HA! One? You want me to pick one??? Haha nah...that’s not happening...I have wayyyyy too many....here’s a few...there are like...a ton more tho...Obi Wan, Kanan, Ezra, Hera, Sabine, Ahsoka, Anakin, Rey, Finn, Jyn, Cassian, Bodhi, Chirrut, Chopper, BB8, Steve Rogers, Scott Lang, Peggy Carter, Edwin Jarvis, Sokka, Bolin, Percy, Leo, Neal Caffrey, Peter Burke, pretty much all of the Parks and Rec characters, Cinder, Thorne, Cress, Kai, Halt, Barry Allen, Cisco Ramon, Wally West, Felicity Smoak, Sophie, Dex, Fitz, Kefee, and Biana...Okay I’m stopping now! (okay but Alden too...and Elwin...and like...okay I love a lot of KoltC characters...xD)

What I’m wearing right now: Umm, my church shirt, khaki pants, fuzzy purple socks, and my brown jacket

When I made this blog: October 20th, 2013, I only know cause I made a post the day I made it xD

How many blogs I follow: 132

Posts:....206,009....dude...I don’t even...that’s a lot...xD

What do I post about: Lots of stuffs! Most recently Star Wars, but all of my fandoms really, and then some nature and faith things too ^^

When did your blog reach its peak: *shrugs* a few months ago I was getting like a lot of new followers but I don’t know? xD

Why did you choose your URL: I watched a movie called Ace of Hearts, I thought Aceofstars sounded cool, so that was my username on howrse and mweor. When I joined dA, that username was already taken, I added the 16 cause it’s my favorite number, and now I use it for like...everything...xD

Bonus question: If you are transported to the world of the book you are reading now, where would you be? Keeper of the Lost Cities world yaaass!!!! I mean technically it’s still our world? But with like, lots of cool lost cities and elves with cool powers and HEY I could be friends with Sophie and her friends! Even though I’m older than all of them....I SHALL PROTECT Y’ALL! Even though...they would do a better job of protecting themselves then I could...xD

Okay...that was long....NEXT TAG! xD

Tagged by @buurd

1. How old are you? 20, but I feel like I’m still 16ish...xD

2. What’s your current job? Ummm, student, occasional petsitter and fanfiction writer...even though I don’t get paid for that last one...xD

3. What are you talented at? Drawing and writing? 

4. What is a big goal you are working towards (or have already achieved)? I don’t know, finish school I guess? I also want to finally rework my novel and write a rough draft for it and one day publish it. And I have some longer fanfics I want to write and stuff, and continue to improve my writing and drawing? Also, get my license....you know why I’m adding this Buurd...xD

5. What’s your aesthetic? I love a looot, but my main ones are the stars, the ocean (particularly pictures inside waves as they are starting to fall), autumn, and anything blue, but I like a lot of other things too xD 

6. Do you collect anything? DUDE I collect movie tickets too! (though I may not have a place to keep them if I get a new itouch case cause that’s where I’m keeping them all...or a lot of them atm) And also stickers and socks...xD

7. What’s a topic you always talk about? Star Wars Rebels...and other various fandoms and my OCs

8. What’s a pet peeve of yours? I know one, I thought of another one a while ago...but I can’t remember...so, when people just stand behind me and watch when I’m on the computer...xD

9. Good advice to give? Go to sleep when you are tired...like...really, I was exhausted yesterday and I just kept not going to bed...also try your best not to procrastinate, reward yourself when you get something done if you need the motivation (even if it’s something small). I need to like...take my own advice..xD

10. What are three songs you’d recommend? “How Far I’ll Go” by Auli'i Cravalho (because MOANA), “Little Do You Know” by Alex and Sierra (I blame that SWR music video for my love of this song...xD) and “Be Here Long” by NEEDTOBREATHE (or “Great Night” if you want something super upbeat)