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wavesoutbeingtossed · 7 months

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The whole discourse about the privacy/secrecy/support thing has been sitting with me for a few days (I mean other than it always does to a certain degree) thanks to all the excellent discussion happening and I know I'm not saying anything that hasn't been said a million times before, but I think what we're seeing and what we're going to learn (e.g. from TTPD) is that it wasn't just the support issue, but how it was shown/handled.

We've all gone out of our way to show that introversion =/= lack of support. Someone can be shy, reserved, etc. and still show up for their partner, whether in public or at home. To chalk any of the differences up to the clash between introversion and extroversion is unfair to folks who count themselves among either tbh.

@thisisctrying said something the other day that hit the nail on the head about how if that support had been offered in private, there very well may not have been a Joever to begin with, or at least not at this point in time. (Sorry for loosely paraphrasing, and for namedropping you! Long time listener, first time poster.)

If this were a case where the "shy" partner said, "I am really uncomfortable with the spotlight personally and do not want to court it, but I will support you in your ambitions and offer you whatever you need to make them happen and make the glare bearable," I suspect that would have gone a long way to making Taylor feel seen and comfortable in pursuing her goals in the way that she now has. Again, that might have been more akin to the balance that seemed to have been struck around 2019 from what we can see, but even speaking in a general sense, there are lots of couples out there, celebrity or not, that have similar approaches where there are highly driven people and busy careers involved.

(A famous example being Dolly Parton's marriage. Tbh I know next to nothing about her and Carl, but she's always heralded as an example in this regard, because her husband is famously uncomfortable with the spotlight and hasn't accompanied her to public events in decades, but she's said that she never minded that because that was always work to her, and what was important was that he supported her in pursuing all her career goals and basically ensured she had a place to call home to return to at the end of the day.)

We're kind of in a brave new world with her current relationship because it felt like, at least at the start, we were maybe watching her figure out her boundaries in real time as to what she was comfortable with or not and adjust accordingly. Like so many have said, I fully believe the extreme privacy thing was initially driven by herself and her experiences in 2016, and she needed that quiet time to recover from all of the things and figure out how to exist in the world again.

Stating the obvious, it seemed like eventually privacy was equated with secrecy, turning the relationship and the celebrity into the elephant in the room and something to never be spoken of to the outside world. People are free to choose whatever works best for themselves and their relationships, and for some the separate public lives might work, but the “kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath” theme is all over her work and it’s clear that it’s a sore spot for her, because she’s been made to feel shame just for the life she leads so many times in the past.

What I’m trying to say is that it’s pretty obvious something Not Great was happening behind the scenes, which didn’t just amount to “she wanted to be a public celebrity and he wanted to be a private hermit.” (Also, in case anyone forgot, this is a person who also chose a public-facing career who also has to engage in press for it, but I digress.) As her career reached new heights post-folklore, if she had the support at home to do all the things without judgment and with encouragement, and in turn offer the same support to her partner, she may have very well lived just fine with that, not unlike Dolly Parton’s case.

By reading between the lines in all the press since, as well as comments on tour and general ~vibes~ with TTPD teasers, it seems like one of the issues was that that was likely not the case. There was all the stuff that we saw — the reticence to acknowledge each other in the media (particularly on one side), the lack of public support even at events at which they were both in attendance for their respective jobs, the great lengths they went to not to be photographed together at events they attended yet no problem taking pictures with other friends and coworkers, the jobs that separated them, the withdrawing from the public even for work accomplishments, etc. Which could all be manageable if a couple chooses to do so together and are not inherently a sign of trouble in themselves.

But what we’re seeing now I think is a reflection of the things we weren’t seeing then, and it seems to indicate some very deep hurt. (I know, call me Captain Obvious.) And like so many have been saying, it feels likely that that part of that hurt is rooted in that very lack of private support where a person would expect it from their partner. Obviously as a Taylor fan blog I’m going to be more inclined to understand her side of a story, but tbh, it’s also because… this is sooooooo common, and something I’ve experienced in my friend group. (@taylortruther is right when she says most breakups are the same one way or another lol.)

One partner is resentful of the other’s success, or resentful that the other’s priorities begin to evolve as new experiences unlock new goals, or feels the other’s ambitions are not worthy of pursuit, and coupled with perhaps their own struggles in the same domain, it’s easy to see where that can chip away at the other partner’s morale and faith in the relationship. I know I’m just speculating here, but I also don’t think it’s totally unfounded. (Again, because a) I’m picking up what she’s putting down and b) it happens to sooooooo many women even among us dull normals.)

With all the pointed mentions about how much Taylor feels supported in her current relationship and how she in turn loves to offer the same show of support to not only her partner but other loved ones, how she’s stepped out more in the last year to a whole host of events, how she’s mentioned feeling like she locked herself away for years and she’s just proud of her partner and happy she can show up for him even if the chaos around it is unsettling, it paints a picture of what perhaps was happening before last year.

To feel like you’re all alone in carrying the weight of the relationship (or burden of it), of twisting yourself into knots to accommodate the other person’s boundaries (or insecurities) but not feeling reciprocity for your own has to be so painful. (The idea that it may have been even darker and to have a partner not only be unreceptive to your own needs but even perhaps resentful/dismissive/belittling of them is even more painful to think of. I guess we’ll find out when TTPD comes out if that was the case, too.)

At a certain point, that lack of acknowledgement will force your hand to be able to reclaim yourself. And it feels like the further removed Taylor in particular is from it, the more she moves from being sad about the life she felt she gave up by leaving, to angry at the life she felt she was giving up by staying. Especially being in a relationship now where it seems like everything comes much easier, where she can be open about the person she’s with and show up for them, all the stuff that seemed as challenging as climbing Mount Everest in her past is nothing more than a molehill at best in her current life.

TL;DR: I don’t think it’s privacy that inherently spells doom for a celebrity relationship like this; it’s the mutual support and respect that does. If Taylor had felt that in the later years of her previous relationship, I think we could be seeing a different, though not necessarily unfulfilled, person right now in 2024, who’d be happy on tour but whose personal life would look a little different. But it seems like by losing that support she lost parts of herself, and we’ve seen her reclaim that in spades in the last year, and perhaps to degrees she didn’t even realize she could from before all the Bad Stuff started happening in her young adulthood.

I know this was extremely long-winded and unnecessary, especially about total strangers we only know through scraps fed through the media, but I just always bristle at this idea that issues like these boil down to “personality differences,” as though one person wants to live in a city and the other on a remote island, or some shit like that. The whole support (and gender tbh) issue is one that’s just very close to my heart because again, I have seen it play out with so many of my friends in long term relationships and marriages and I just think people in relationships (and women in particular in some circles) deserve better than to feel like they’re being, well, tolerated.

#thisisctrying and taylortruther sorry for tagging you two!#can remove if needed!#but you guys made me think a lot #this was inspired by a conversation i had with a friend the other day #where she relayed an argument she had with her partner #who basically felt slighted that he wasn’t getting acknowledgement for all the housework he does — which is. just. the dishes #and she was like ‘wow congrats you’ve done the dishes — i do every other fucking thing to keep this household afloat in ways you see #and don’t see and i never ask for praise because it’s just stuff that needs to get done because that’s how you support your family’#and it just reminded me that some partners (and a certain kind of man in particular) just… think their struggles take precedence #when their partners drown in them everyday but keep things afloat out of necessity and are never recognized or supported for it #(my friends have shitty husbands/boyfriends can you tell lol)#long post #again the way i just feel like i know the vibes of ttpd in my bones are 😵‍💫#i feel like i have a lot more thoughts but I’m trying to be more gracious and less parasocial so #also just want to again defend the introverts of the world by reiterating that being introverted does not mean unsupportive #being a shitty partner does though!#writing letters addressed to the fire #it’s also just like… i feel like if Taylor had had even a modicum of the support in private and even public she needed #she’d probably still be with you know who and wouldn’t have considered leaving let alone doing it #because it would have felt like enough and like it was what was needed for both of them #whereas we’re seeing a completely new side of her open up now because this is the first time she’s ever had that support from a partner #in her adult life at least #and it’s like it’s opening up things she didn’t know she needed or wanted

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theflowerofthecommonwealth · 1 year

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Jasmine: (Walks into Acadia on her own after a long day. She still hasn’t uttered at word out loud to anyone other than Nick, Kasumi, or Jules)

DiMA: (Stands from his chair to greet the teen) “Hello there, Jasmine! I hear you and Nick have had quite an adventure here on the Island.”

Jasmine: (Stops and slowly blinks at her new uncle, still very wary of him because of what he’s done to Jules who was her only friend at Acadia)

DiMA: (Smiles warmly and approaches) “Is there anything you want to know about the Island and its inhabitants? I have had my own fair share of adventures, I could recount a few to you if that’s something you’d like.”

Jasmine: (Blinks some more, then rubs her eyes) “Desculpe me.” (Yawns sleepily as she stretches out) “Estoy muy cansada porque anoche yo no dormí.”

DiMA: (Rubs his chin) “Hrm, that’s a foreign language that I am not familiar with. Though, so far there hadn't been much need for any other language other than English.”

Jasmine: (Straightens up then shakes her head) “No entiendo, señor.” (Makes a motion with her hand) “Más despacio, por favor.”

DiMA: “I think I have a better idea.” (Stares off for a few seconds) “………” (Starts sizzling like an old overworked computer as he installs Google Translate)

Jasmine: (Under her breath) “Oh fuck….”

Faraday: (Comes running in) “NOOOOOO! He can’t run a translator anymore! He’s too old and fragile!”

Chase: (Also comes flying in) “Get him to stop!”

Faraday: (Rushes over to a terminal) “I’m trying!”

Jasmine: (Steps back and tilts her head at the two) “No entiendo qué es lo que quieres.”

Chase: (Sternly) “Stop that! Stop talking!”

Jasmine: (Folds her hands and smiles innocently and politely) “Perdón señorita, no hablo inglés.”

Faraday: (Swears and grumbles like he’s a crazy person on drugs)

DiMA: (Sizzling and steaming to the point you could cook an egg on him)

Jasmine: (Motions to DiMA) “¿Están bien?”

Faraday: (Desperately mashing buttons) “VALENTINE! PLEASE COME GET BABY VALENTINE BEFORE SHE BLOWS UP THE WHOLE DAMN OBSERVATORY!!” (Screams at the terminal as it crashes and reboots)

Jasmine: (Crosses her arms) “Usted es un hombre muy estresado. ¿Está bien? ¡Necesitas ayuda para los locos!”

Faraday: (Smacks the terminal multiple times as he yells over his shoulder) “I DO NOT UNDERSTAND A WORD YOU ARE SAYING!!!”

Jasmine: (Mumbling to herself) “El gringo es un loco hombre y estúpido.” (Thinks it obvious she was joking from the start, they are all just too dense to notice)

Chase: “WE TOLD YOU TO SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!”

Jasmine: “Ustedes cállense la boca!!!” (Throws up her hands) “¡No estoy haciendo nada!” (Jabs a finger at DiMA) “¡Es su culpa!” (She didn’t tell the synth to download a translator, just to talk more slowly)

Nick: (Appears from the stairway) “Alright missy, that’s enough outta you for one day.” (Snatches his daughter’s hand and starts dragging her away)

Faraday: (Squawking like a distressed and disturbed parrot as he shakes and bangs the terminal)

Jasmine: (Follows along without any complaints) “Papá, tú familia está MUY loca. ¿Por qué es eso?”

Nick: (Tired Dad sigh) “Let’s just get you to bed before ya blow your uncles fuse too….”

#I apologize for my pocha Spanish. I mean- I speak Spanish better than the others but not rapid fire Spanish.#I talk like a first grader when I do the Spanish. I can roll my R’s perfectly though and only have a slight accent.#Although I think I did pretty good here. Cross you’re fingers and pray I get better lol #Back to what’s important. Jasmine does speak fluent Spanish thanks to her adoptive mother and close friends.#She’s probably do great in New Vegas and California. I want her to meet Raul #And here she’s incredibly pissed about what had happened to Jules as it hit too close to home.#Since Jas is not allowed to maul them she has to get her licks in with other methods.#Nick would’ve found it funny if she didn’t take it too far so now he has to pretend to be disappointed in his daughter.#He probably had little to no clue she knew Spanish. He’s just chalking this on the long list of hidden talents she has.#fallout #fo4 #fallout 4 #fallout original character #fallout oc #nick valentine #faraday fallout 4 #dima #dima fallout 4 #chase fallout 4

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