#I didn't even know this series existed until I was in my late teens

[raposarealm]

Watched through the Exe presentation during the Tokyo Game Show this year, and yeah, online battles and all are cool as hell, but

I forgot how Rock’s English VA (Andrew Francis) sounds. 

And no disrespect to Francis, but.

I am in pain.

[becauseimanicequeen]

Don't Ask Me for QL Recommendations Because My Taste is BAD

Bad as in TRASHY.

For your own good, don't ask me for recommendations.

I'm writing this because I've gotten some asks lately for QL recommendations and I wanted to spare you the pain.

If you still don't trust me (because to be fair, why would you? I'm just a random weirdo on the internet), let me tell you how bad my taste is so you'll know why I'm doing you a great favor by sparing you the pain.

(I also watch, and rewatch, series/films for ridiculous reasons, yet another reason not to listen to me. I’ll come back to this in a minute.)

Let's start with a brief rewind to a couple of decades ago (because it matters in this context).

The first queer content of any kind I can remember watching was Xena: The Warrior Princess in the late 90s and early 00s (I was a child/pre-teen at the time). It was such a pivotal point for me, which is why I remember it vividly. Not only was Lucy Lawless (the actress playing Xena) the most beautiful human being I had ever seen at that point, Xena was also queer and I loved her.

The series, though? It’s bad.

It’s over-the-top, contains ridiculous humor, face-palm-worthy fight scenes, etc., etc. (But, it was also the 90s, so it was quality television at the time, no matter what anyone else says.) It was so bad that it was ridiculously entertaining. I would watch it today (if I could find it anywhere…). That’s how bad my taste is (or how attached I am to bad shit).

That’s when the groundwork for my bad taste was laid. I blame THANK Xena: The Warrior Princess for it.

Then there was a huge skip until July last year when I found the Asian QL world, because I had no idea it even existed (I’m from Europe, btw).

(My personal story is that I fell into the queer/gay film world before the QL world, and the queer films I could find were made and released very sporadically. But ever since I found the treasure trove of Asian QL series in July 2023, I’ve watched 291 series/films as of right now.)

The reason I fell into the Asian QL world was thanks to a Short on YouTube with the main characters from Roommates of Poongduck 304 kissing. (Want to know what convinced me to watch it? One of them was wearing blue and the other pink, two of my favorite colors. Yep, that’s the reason. Told you it would be ridiculous.)

Since then, I’ve been exploring this rabbit hole and loving every second of all the bad shit that’s out there (there’s some great shit too, and some great things that aren’t shit at all, but they’re not really my taste because my taste is trashy, remember?).

I quickly noticed what my taste was pulling me towards and, in some cases, the trashier it was, the more I liked it.

(I’m talking about fiction here. I’m mature enough to be able to separate fiction from reality. Just because I enjoy watching a series/film that depicts a problematic topic, and sometimes do it in a problematic way, doesn’t mean I condone it in real life. I’m just putting this here as a disclaimer because people on the internet are easily offended nowadays. And I honestly don’t have time to respond to people who are venting their anger after purposefully misinterpreting what I’ve said, unless there’s a very valid reason, which there usually isn’t.)

So, what are some of my favorites that I absolutely do not recommend you watch?

Unless you want to watch trash, then, have at it. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

(Btw, if you like any of these, I apologize for calling your taste bad and trashy. But, if you like any of these, I think you already know your taste is bad. Also, if you like any of these, hey, bestie!)

Let’s start with the less extreme ones so I don’t scare you away from the start. After that, they’re in no particular order.

(With the issues/TW section for each series/film I include possible trigger warnings, taboo topics, what viewers/commenters have brought up as problematic, my possible issues with the writing, etc. I won’t list everything (because some of them would have looong lists) but I’m including some of the major ones.)

Kiseki: Dear to Me (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, age gap, “adoptive” brothers becoming lovers, etc.

Both couples in this series have their own set of issues. Ai Di and Chen Yi are the “adoptive” brothers who become lovers while Ze Rui and Zong Yi have an age gap (I can’t remember how big of an age gap but I think it was close to 10-ish years).

(Before I move on there’s one thing you should know about me… I was born into a family with a varying degree of age gaps within marriages, from 2 to 23 years. Even though we’ve talked about the bigger age gaps occasionally, it’s never been an issue. I don’t mind age gaps as long as they’re legal. Does that mean I would hook up with someone in their late teens or early twenties? No. I would rather hook up with someone who has a fully developed brain, which science suggests doesn’t happen until somewhere in the mid-to-late-twenties. But it does mean that age gaps (as long as they’re legal) aren’t something I’ll be bothered by or judgemental of.)

Kiseki: Dear to Me is one of my favorite series because:

It’s from Taiwan, and the Taiwanese QLs are generally great at dealing with more difficult and taboo topics.

Ai Di is the feistiest, most colorful, and pettiest bitch and I love him with my entire ice-cold heart.

Chen Yi looks amazing in black.

The neon lights (because I’m a slut for that).

Also, the kissing (from both couples) is great.

You know, I did say that these would be series/films I absolutely do not recommend you watch. But I’ll actually recommend this one. Watch it. It’s great.

Unknown (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Age gap, “adoptive” brothers becoming lovers, etc.

This is another one I’ll actually recommend you watch because it’s great.

The main couple (Qian and Yuan) are the “adoptive” brothers becoming lovers while the age gap is most prominent between San Pang (Qian’s business partner) and Lili (Qian’s younger sister). There’s also the fact that San Pang is part of their chosen family and has seen Lili grow up and stuff. So, if that bothers you, then don’t watch it.

The biggest reasons I would personally recommend it to those I know aren’t particularly bothered by taboo topics are because:

The yearning is palpable (and I love shit like that).

Qian would move heaven and earth for his family.

The great story.

The even more amazing acting.

Some moments made me bawl (and since I'm an ice queen, I get obsessed with shit that shatters my ice and makes me cry).

I know I said my taste is trashy… but I would actually give myself a gold star for loving this one.

Now, back to the real trash…

Love in the Air (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, SA, rape, MAME, etc.

Everyone and their aunt (or however the saying goes in English) seem to have an issue with MAME (the original creator of LITA and several other trashy BLs) and for good reason. (I would say that she improved a lot with Wedding Plan, which is the least problematic thing I’ve watched from her and it’s the latest series of hers, as of right now.) If she’s grown, remains to be seen. But it doesn’t change the fact that LITA has some issues.

Honestly, I just watch this for the visuals, as in the motorcycles and the neon lights. That’s it. That’s the reason.

I mean, if you look at the whole first sex scene between Sky and Prapai, you get what I mean with the neon lights. It’s divine. (I recently rewatched LITA for this very reason. A waste of time, you say? Not when you’re a slut for neon lights.)

Don’t watch this though! Just enjoy this gif instead…

I just saved you 13-ish hours of your life. You’re welcome.

TharnType and TharnType 2: 7 Years of Love (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, homophobia, domestic violence, MAME, etc.

Don’t watch this. This is bad. As in, really bad. And all the issues are in the main couple’s relationship.

But, since my taste is really bad, I rewatched this recently for horny reasons (it’s Mew, after all, and he’s got me in a chokehold for some reason). It’s still as bad as I remembered it, but I would still rewatch it for Mew’s sake (and because Techno is ridiculous throughout both seasons, which means I love him).

To be fair there are other, a lot spicier, series that I watch more often for horny reasons (yes, some of them are in this post because they’re trashy too), but none of them include Mew. And since I have to get my dose of Mew from time to time, I return to TharnType (especially the second season).

Big Dragon (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, blackmail, etc.

This isn’t that problematic in my opinion, but there is definitely a drug-induced sexcapade that’s taped and used for blackmail for a while. And that's how the series starts.

I recently did a rewatch of this and it was still bad (in a good way) and I loved every second of it.

What I love about this series are:

The visuals. The set designs are beautiful (especially Yai’s home and the bar, before he demolishes it). As a visual artist, this is speaking to my soul.

The chemistry between Yai and Mangkorn.

Pong and Park. Two idiots I love with my whole ice-cold heart.

And the title track because it’s addictive as hell to listen to.

Also, the sex (which my horny ass needs). Let's not forget the sex. Those scenes were also visually stunning, which made me love them even more.

Honestly, I'll kneel and bow down to this shit because it's that great.

Don’t trust my judgment, though, because my taste is trashy.

Only Friends (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Manipulation, stalking, promiscuity, etc.

This series is messy in terms of intrigue (especially from Boston and then Boeing’s part). The ending had some issues. The sex isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, either. I, on the other hand, would drink a whole pot of this.

Overall, I loved this trash. Mainly because of:

How visually stunning it is.

Sand. He’s a hardworking, good person. He’s also a proud bi!

How they depicted and handled Ray’s addiction and recovery. (I know some watchers were upset that the focus of the series landed on Sand and Ray towards the end while neglecting the other characters, which is a valid point. However, setting that aside, the way they portrayed Ray’s addiction and then his road to recovery in the last couple of episodes was realistic, and I loved it.)

The promiscuity, because I loved it and the mess it created.

Boston being a slutty asshole. The more of a slutty asshole he was, the more I loved him. (I know, it’s a me-problem.)

Boeing coming in and kissing (almost) everyone.

It’s trashy, it’s messy, and I love it!

But, I don’t recommend it to anyone.

My Beautiful Man 1, 2, and 3 Eternal (Japan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, obsession, bullying, lack of (or no real) communication, etc.

I love this series (2 seasons + 1 film), but I honestly don’t see it as particularly problematic. But I know others will disagree with me, so here it is on my list of trashy QLs.

I don’t mind Hira’s obsession because I know Kiyoi is just as whipped for Hira (even though he doesn’t know how to communicate it to Hira at first, especially in a way that Hira understands). Would I be okay with someone’s obsession and stalking in real life? Of course not. But, as I mentioned before, I’m mature enough to separate fiction from reality.

Also, I love miscommunicating characters, especially when the misunderstandings they create bring out all the emotions (angst, hurt, anger, sadness, embarrassment, etc.) and even the flight response. I especially love miscommunicating characters when they learn to communicate throughout the series/film. And this series is especially delicious on the miscommunicating part.

But, it’s also problematic, apparently. So, don’t watch it.

The End of the World With You (Japan)

Issues/TW: Blackmail, biphobia, cheating, etc.

I’ll be honest and say that I’ve only watched this series three times. And that’s because the biphobia is fucking annoying. In this series, the bi character is depicted as a cheater (which is common in QLs, btw). It’s an exasperating stereotype. Cheating has nothing to do with your sexuality and everything to do with who you are as a person.

(I mean, you can be a proud bi like Payu in LITA or Sand in OF. They have eyes only for one person as soon as they’re pursuing or dating someone. Give me more bi characters like this, please.)

We could discuss how cheating can be used as characterization in certain stories. But not in this one. Here, they’re basically using Ritsu’s bisexuality as the reason he’s cheating (since he’s sleeping with Masumi while having a thing going on with a girl, and then sleeping with a girl when he has a thing with Masumi), which is why it’s bothering me in this series.

If I’m going to tell you why I like this series, however, it’s for 2 reasons:

It’s about getting a second chance, a topic I love.

The sex (laser-focused horny Ritsu is my favorite Ritsu).

Check Out (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Biphobia, cheating, lazy writing, etc.

(It should be mentioned that I’ve read some comments about some issues involving the company behind this series. I haven’t dug deeper into this so I don’t really know if there’s any substance to the comments I’ve read (like official statements from the company or the other people involved, etc.). But I’m putting this out there in case this might be a potential issue for you (even though I’ve already told you that I don’t recommend you watch any of these because they’re all trashy).)

When I first checked this out at the beginning of this year, this series seemed to have created a storm of bad comments and reviews on MDL since it first came out. So, obviously, I needed to watch it because my taste is trashy.

And, you know what? I loved it!

Besides having the bi character depicted as a cheater (again, the use of this biphobic stereotype is so fucking annoying) and the sporadic clunky and stale scenes, I loved this series because:

It’s about second chances. As I mentioned before, I love that topic.

Best (the actor playing Daonuea) is the best in this series. There’s just something about him that grabs my attention every time. He has me in a similarly tight chokehold as Mew.

There’s sex (and my horny ass needs it).

But, it’s also trash, so don’t watch it.

Pit Babe (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Domestic violence, non-consensual, SA, age gap, etc.

This became popular. Really popular. I saw people comment about it everywhere. And usually, when stuff becomes popular, it’s more than likely reduced to trash quality by the general public. So, obviously, I had to watch it.

Did I end up loving it? Yes.

Honestly, the biggest issue this series had for me was the whole omegaverse thing (this was a new thing for me because I don’t come from an erotic fiction background, my head was rather stuck in fantasy fiction). And, from my limited understanding of this, they didn’t seem to fully commit to the omegaverse thing in Pit Babe, which was unfortunate.

The racing was also so-so for me, which hurt my soul because I usually love racing (cars, mcs, boats, etc.).

What I did like, however, was:

The chemistry between Pete and Kenta (and I’m so sad I only got crumbs of this).

Pavel (the actor playing Babe). I would watch and listen to him recite product placement scripts for toothpaste all day long.

The sex, especially the scene with Babe and Charlie in ep. 9 (even though it was mixed with clips from the racing) and Jeff and Alan’s scene in ep. 13 (because it was sensual, if we ignore the music).

The neon lights (have I mentioned that I’m a slut for neon lights?). I mean, just look at this:

I can watch that pinkish light all day long, even though Babe and Charlie are trying to distract me. (Especially Pavel!)

Dead Friend Forever (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Grooming, bullying, suicide & suicide attempts, etc.

Besides the issues listed above, this also suffered from lazy writing at the end. BUT, I fucking loved DFF anyway.

I never expected to love this series because it’s just a bunch of teenagers stuck at a house in the woods. How interesting could that be? Turns out, very.

DFF wasn’t perfect (perfection doesn’t exist anyway), but what I loved about it was:

The morally ambiguous characters.

The revenge plot.

The poetic justice.

The questioning of what was real vs hallucination.

The visually stunning shots.

The mask!

And Tan’s mask!

The beheading scene.

I could go on, but you get the point. I just love this piece of trash.

But, please, don’t watch it. You will suffer from brain rot. Trust me.

I, however, am currently rewatching this because I choose the brain rot. And my taste is trashy, remember? Or, perhaps I just love watching chaos unfold…

HIStory 3: Make Our Days Count (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, age gap, tragic ending, etc.

Everyone and their aunt and even their dog have an issue with the ending of this one. And it’s understandable.

I don’t necessarily like or dislike the ending. Obviously, the bury your gays trope is tragic in itself, and, tragically, it’s still being used. That’s why I couldn’t find myself liking the ending, even though I don’t mind tragic endings. (Romeo and Juliet is one of my favorite classics, which people tend to forget is a tragedy and not a romance, btw, but I digress…)

At the same time, though, this series made me cry for a whole episode before tragedy struck because I could feel it. And you have no idea how obsessed I get about shit that makes me cry (since I’m an ice queen).

(Another side note: one of my favorite BLs is Once Again, which made me bawl throughout the whole series. It’s not on this list because it’s neither trashy nor bad, but it’s still one of my favorites because it broke me in the best ways. But, anyway…)

The best part of this series from beginning to end was the other couple, at least for me. This couple is the one with the age gap (which, again, doesn’t bother me) and I fucking love them! One, because Wilson Liu (the actor playing Bo Xiang) is such a gem. Second, because their first time was such a spur-of-the-moment thing fueled by a desire that went from 0-100kph in less time than a Ferrari would. And I loved it (just as much as the squeezing of boobs from behind, which, for some reason, appeals to me).

Also, the twins are so pretty it’s annoying.

Do I recommend it, though? No, because I don’t have time to respond to the clap back I’ll get when you come to the end.

HIStory 4: Close to You (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, SA, obsession, age gap, stepbrothers becoming lovers, etc.

This one has some problems (especially the relationship between Yong Jie and Xing Si), but I love both the series and its problems (yes, I’m trash). You could say that I’m as obsessed with this series as Yong Jie is with Xing Si. Would I get this series drunk and fuck the living daylights out of it? No. But I would watch it once every 3 months or so. Oh, wait… I already do that. Because I’m trash.

What do I love so much about this series (other than what I mentioned above):

It’s from Taiwan.

Li Cheng is ridiculous, which is exactly why I love him.

Every time I rewatch it, it gets funnier.

The chemistry between Li Cheng and Teng Teng is amazing.

As well as the chemistry between Yong Jie and Xing Si.

The kissing is just as amazing.

The main fujoshi girl, Mei Fang, is so cute I can’t handle her.

And the bathroom scene! In that lighting! It’s iconic!

I don’t care what anyone else says. This is fucking gold to me. But, then again, my taste is trash. So, don’t listen to me.

KinnPorsche (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, SA, torture, Stockholm syndrome-ish, etc.

This is some next-level trash, and I fucking love it.

Two of the major relationships in this series (Kinn & Porsche and Vegas & Pete) are problematic at some point. Especially Vegas and Pete who have this whole captor/captive, torture, BDSM-ish type relationship. Of course, I love Vegas and Pete because my taste is super trashy (yes, it’s a me-problem, but I don’t force my taste on other people, so, for the love of all that is holy, don’t watch this!).

Other reasons I love this series and rewatch it from time to time:

It’s visually stunning! The cinematography is amazing. As I mentioned before, I’m a visual artist, so this is a very valid reason for me to watch it again and again. And again.

The neon lights.

The whole mafia thing.

The sex (because my horny ass needs it).

Playboyy (Thailand)

Issues/TW: SA, homophobia, suicide, etc.

I was debating whether or not to add this to my list solely based on the ending. However, up until that point, I really liked it.

The fact that every episode starts with a whole ass list of trigger warnings tells me this is my shit. And it was.

At times, it was so bad that it was good (until the ending, which was just so bad it was bad). The things I liked were:

The mystery.

Win (who played Nuth). His acting was great.

The chemistry between Nuth and Phop.

The tattooed daddy that’s Aob and his chemistry with Puen (there’s also an age gap here, btw, but as I’ve mentioned before, it’s fine by me as long as it’s legal).

The weird ass sex scenes (and the underwear).

And the not so weird ass sex scenes (like the ones between Aob and Puen and the ones between Nuth and Phop).

But, this series is trashy. Keep as far away from it as possible. If you still decide to dip in, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Red Wine in the Dark Night (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Obsession, blood, human blood bags, etc.

This is a queer film that’s BL-ish with some dark themes. Mainly, it’s about how far Wine would go to help the person he’s fallen for (or become attached to).

What I loved about this film was:

Fluke (who plays Wine). He’s such a great actor and I love him in everything he does.

Wine who is so desperate to love someone and be loved that he ends up doing some weird shit.

The darker and sadder vibe, which I love.

Irresistible Love 1 and Irresistible Love 2 (China)

(This is also called Uncontrolled Love.) 

Issues/TW: Obsession, homophobia, codependency, adoptive brothers becoming lovers, etc.

This is another queer film (in two parts) that is more BL-ish than the films I’m getting into below.

This depicts a weird relationship dynamic between Xie Yan and Shu Nian where Shu Nian was basically adopted into the family to become Xie Yan’s friend/babysitter/lackey. This is some weird ass shit, and I love weird ass shit so I really enjoyed this rare, uncensored, gem from China.

But, it’s also trashy. So, don’t watch it.

The next couple of films I’ll mention are (obviously) trashy, but also complex and deep (which is why I love them).

One Summer Night (South Korea)

Issues/TW: Obsession, dependency, oppression, etc.

This is a low-budget film from 2016 (so, production-wise, it’s definitely nothing like the usual stuff from South Korea you can watch on Netflix), but I love it.

It’s gritty, it’s raw, it’s explicit (an emphasis on explicit because you’ll see dicks), it deals with being a North Korean defector but ending up in an impoverished situation in South Korea, and it ends with a dubious ending you can interpret in different ways.

This is definitely not for the general QL viewers who watch QLs for the cutesy stuff.

And it's trashy. So, don’t watch it.

Dangerous Drugs of Sex (Japan)

Issues/TW: All the trigger warnings! Seriously. I feel like it’s better to say that so you’ll look up the TWs for yourself (if you choose to watch this, which I'm asking you not to) rather than me mentioning a few and forgetting others.

With this film, what others see are all the trigger warnings (and, yes, I see them too, they’re fucking obvious). However, I can see beyond that and watch it for what it is at the core: Two characters dealing with incredible grief.

Grief is a topic that often affects me and I can relate to it because I’ve had to deal with a lot of grief in my relatively short life. Watching a film like this where grief pushes the characters to their very limits will (often) get a special place in my heart, especially if done well. And it’s done very well in this film.

Do I condone the characters’ behaviors? No (especially not Yoden Ryoji’s). But I do understand that grief can send you over the edge (and in some cases throw you off the edge) because I’ve experienced it. I do understand that grief can cause you to make horrible decisions because I’ve done it (though, not this extreme). I do understand that grief can be self-destructive because I’ve been there. This film shows it all. That’s why I love it so much.

Do I recommend you watch this, tough? No. Don’t do it. This is not for everyone. It’s definitely not for those who watch QLs for the cutesy stuff.

But it is for me because I love trash. Especially good trash. And this is the best trash I’ve ever seen when it comes to gay films.

Anything by Scud Cheng

Lastly, I want to mention any film by Scud Cheng because…

And I’m an artist so art means everything to me.

Cheng is a screenwriter and director from Hong Kong. His films, the ones I’ve seen, are gritty, nude, and real. They are more on the art side than the others I’ve listed above, which is why they have a special place in my heart.

They’re also deep and explore themes like introspection (are we doing things because we believe they’re the right thing to do, or because external forces have “brainwashed” us to believe they’re the normal thing to do?), the porn industry and how it exploits young and queer men, death, politics, and love, to name a few.

These are not for the average QL watcher. They’re not for the faint of heart. They’re not for those who want an entertaining watch.

These films require multiple viewings. I’ve watched some once, some twice, and some more times, and I still find new themes and meanings woven into the stories. So, they’re complex and deep.

But, don’t watch them because I know you’ll come at me later. So, to spare us both the time and energy it would take to argue about this shit, just don’t watch any of it.

Now, if you still want to ask me for recommendations after all that, don't tell me I didn't warn you!

[jerzwriter]

Ethan and Kaycee have a little secret... there's a big reason to celebrate Father's Day this year. But when Kaycee's plans go awry, she learns Ethan's were just falling into place.

Story/Fandom: Open Heart (Post Series) Pairing: Ethan Rasmsey x Kaycee (F!MC) Rating: Teen Words: 1,600 Summary: Please see above A/N: Last year, I wrote Mother's Day fics and left the poor dads in my world unloved. lol This year, I switched that up a bit (sorry, moms!) I hope you enjoy this! :) Participating in @choicesjunechallenge2024 - Threshold/new beginning - I didn't have much of a chance to edit. I hope it's not dreadful! :)

Kaycee had locked herself in the bathroom. A pretty drastic step for remaining undetected, considering Ethan was still fast asleep, but she wasn’t taking any chances. Confident her emotions were finally under control, she attempted to stand up from the bathtub’s edge where she had been perched, only to sit back down when another wave of tears washed over her.

“This is ridiculous,” she mumbled as she wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her bathrobe.

She was never out of bed before ten on a day off, but that had changed lately. Ethan finally respected her sleeping habits; based on the snoring she heard coming from down the hall, he had even adopted them for himself. But morning sickness was something else. Morning sickness had no respect, so being awake at 8:00 on a Sunday morning was no longer very strange.

Six weeks earlier, they celebrated Mother’s Day – at least Kaycee did. She had told her parents Ethan couldn’t get time off of work, but that wasn’t entirely true. Mother’s Day was difficult for him – he sold it as his disdain for Hallmark holidays, but Kaycee knew better. What she hadn’t known was a reason to change his mind already existed. Something she’d discover a week later, alone, in this same bathroom, and she still found it hard to believe it was true.

It was still early—so early that the only others who knew were Kaycee’s parents and Sienna. Based on the side-eye and attentiveness received by the rest of her team at Edenbrook, Kaycee was pretty sure they suspected, but she and Ethan had decided that until the first trimester ended, no one else was to know.

They had no way of knowing last Mother’s Day was of significance to them, but their baby-to-be made themselves known early enough for Father’s Day to be viewed differently, but Ethan put the kibosh on any celebration.

“It’s too soon,” he whispered, with his hand protectively laying on his wife’s stomach. “I don’t want to jinx anything.” “Jinx!” Kaycee sputtered. “You’ve never been superstitious! Not once, and now you decide to be!” “Maybe I finally have something to be superstitious about,” he smiled.

She had wanted to argue the point, but exhaustion took over, and when sleep was possible these days, she took it. But as the day got closer, Kaycee couldn’t let it go by without acknowledgment. Ethan Ramsey was going to be a dad! And as much as she wanted to scream that from the rooftops, she would respect his wishes and refrain. But the man wouldn’t deny her making the day special for him, of that she was sure.

So, she set her alarm for 7:30, just in case the nausea didn’t come through. Her goal was to make him a special breakfast—his favorite: eggs benedict with Hollandaise, rosemary-roasted potatoes, and mimosas—at least mimosas for him.

Kaycee being in the kitchen was a rarity – as much of a miracle as Ethan’s pending parenthood, some would say. But as she quietly took out the pots, pans, ingredients, and utensils that would make her husband’s first Father’s Day breakfast, she couldn’t have been more excited or relieved.

The waves of nausea that had become commonplace were nowhere to be seen until she attempted to drop that raw egg into the boiling water. Poaching an egg, how hard could it be? At another time, perhaps not hard at all, but during her first trimester, the faintest smell of boiling eggs sent her running to the bathroom. By the time she was well enough to return to the kitchen, the potatoes had started to burn. Tossing everything in the trash, she gave up. At least she could order in.

But that didn’t go as planned, either. The order had been placed, and instructions were to leave the bag with the doorman. The app notified her of their delivery, and she rushed downstairs, only to be disappointed again.

Henry, her favorite doorman, saw her face fall and was full of concern. “What’s the matter?” he asked.

“These aren’t eggs benedict! They sent tofu scrambles!”

“Well, that doesn’t sound anywhere near as appetizing!” the old man empathized.

“Ethan would hate it,” she said with a sigh. “Would you like it?”

Henry crinkled his nose. “I’m afraid I’ll have to side with Dr. Ramsey on this one – a true rarity,” he chuckled before offering to give it to someone in the maintenance department who would appreciate it. Grateful it wouldn’t go to waste, Kaycee got back into the elevator. But by the time she reached their floor, her hormones took over again, and her thoughts began to race.

She couldn’t get anything right. Why had she even attempted to cook? Everyone knew her skill set was best served outside of the kitchen. Would she be able to cook for her baby? She was going to be a terrible mother. She had already ruined Ethan’s first Father’s Day, after all, no matter that he was still sleeping. When she stumbled in the condo door, she headed right to the bathroom again. That’s how Kaycee found herself here, perched on the bathtub with a face full of snot and tears. Her only consolation? Ethan was unaware of any of this, but a knock on the door changed all that.

“Kaycee, honey? What’s going on in there? Are you OK?”

“Uh, yeah,” she said, splashing cold water on her face. “Just uhm, going to the bathroom.”

“Why are you in the guest bathroom?”

“I, uhm... didn’t want to wake you.”

Ethan always understood Kaycee, even when he was determined not to. But after their years together, she couldn't fool him.

“Kaycee, open the door, please.”

She opened the door, her face red and eyes puffy, and fear struck his heart.

“Kaycee...”

“I'm fine," she reassured. "Come with me,” she said, taking his hand and leading him back to bed.

“I’m sorry,” she cried into his shoulder. “I just wanted to do something nice for you.”

“Nice... for what? What are you even doing up this early? You know if you’re sick, you should get me.”

“I wasn’t up because I was sick, well, at least not at first. I wanted... I wanted to make you a nice breakfast, but everything went wrong!”

She relayed the story of the eggs that betrayed her – no wonder they’re called Benedict! – then the burnt potatoes. She attempted to rectify it with delivery, only to receive a tofu scramble. Ethan waited patiently, rubbing her back soothingly until she was done.

“That’s terrible,” he acknowledged with a half smile.

“I know!”

“First, it appears the alarms I set up to keep you out of the kitchen failed miserably, and then... a tofu scramble? No wonder your morning sickness returned after that!”

"Ha-ha-ha," she jeered, poking his chest as her tears turned into laughter. “I know you said you didn’t want to celebrate Father’s Day; you think it's too early, but I wanted to make the day special for you.”

“Well, you’re wrong about something. I did want to celebrate it in my own way. In fact, I already had plans on how to do it.”

“You did?” She marveled.

“Yes. The plans were me, and you, home alone with me spoiling you as much as possible."

“But, it’s Father's Day. Shouldn't I be spoiling you?"

“Not at all, without you, I would have never even imagined being a father, yet look at me now. So I’m going to spoil you rotten today, and you're going to let me."

“Ethan," she sighed.

“Ethan, nothing. If all goes well, you have years of making cards with handprints, buying gifts, and preparing meals with our child – God help them..."

"Hey!" She said with a smack to his shoulder.

"This year is extra special, but you’re doing all the work to get our little one here, so let me spend Father’s Day the way I want to... by showing you the kind of husband I am and the kind of father I intend to be."

Kaycee broke into tears once again.

"Are you OK?"

"No! How dare you say something so sweet to me when you know my hormones are a freaking mess!"

"Come on," he smiled. "Let's get you in the bathtub and I'll make breakfast for you. What do you want?"

"I have to think on it, but not eggs benedict, and definitely not a tofu scramble."

“Well, whatever you decide? I'll make it happen."

A short time later, the couple sat on their balcony overlooking the Charles River. Kayce, in a fresh new bathrobe, with her attentive husband at her side.

"You really don't have to eat this, too," she said, biting into her breakfast.

"Why not?" he asked, trying to swallow his bagel with peanut butter, bananas, greek yogurt, and lox. "This is a delicacy in some... you know what, I can't even lie. This is horrible. The thought of eggs benedict made you sick, but this doesn't?"

"Hey, I don't make the pregnancy rules! If we did, we’d both be otters and then you would be the pregnant one!"

"Kaycee, you're being otterly ridiculous."

"Kaycee, you’re being otterly ridiculous."

"Thank God you're gorgeous and a brilliant doctor," she laughed. "Because you would have never made it as a comedian."

"I love you," he smiled, then leaned over to kiss her cheek.

"I love you, too," she replied. "Now, what do you have planned for the rest of the day."

"Easy. Romcoms. If your emotions can handle them."

"You're watching romcoms with me! Willingly!"

"Mmm-hmm, until we cap the day off with watching the Eras Tour again."

Kaycee let out a soft gasp. "The world has no idea what a big softie you are, Ethan Ramsey."

"Shhh," he whispered. "Let's keep that our little secret."

@choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

Perma: @alj4890 @annoyingmillenialnewbie @crazy-loca-blog @justyourusualash @kingliam2019

@kyra75 @secretaryunpaid @stars-are-within-me @tessa-liam @thosehallowedhalls

@trappedinfanfiction @jerzwriter-reblogs-asks

Open Heart: @coffeeheartaddict2 @differenttyphoonwerewolf @liaromancewriter @peonierose @rafasgirl23415

@tveitertotwrites

Ethan x MC: @brycesgirl @cariantha @custaroonie @cryomyst

@mrs-ramsey @youlookappropriate

[rcreveal]

Feathers and Snakeskin

Summary:

Crowley calls Nina urgently for help with movie night. We find out why he's so nervous about this particular movie night. January 2024 prompt a week challenge: 1) Jane Austen, 2) “you're up to something” 3) Crowley's snake, 4) how you said I love you with something you (had) made

Work Text:

“Nina, come watch these movie trailers with me!” Crowley said urgently through the cell connection.

Nina stares at the line of the morning rush with her cell to her ear and a look of disbelief on her face, “You called me with the EXCEPTIONALLY URGENT setting because you want me to watch what with you?”

“Movie trailers.  I desperately need your help with movie night! Nina, please! You're my only hope!” begs Crowley.

Nina looks at the phone and at the crowd, shakes the phone a little, sighs hugely at the ceiling, and relents, “Fine, I'll be right there.”

Addressing the customers, “Oi! Either it's the end of the world or my friend's having a mental breakdown,” in the crescendo of coffee deficient despair she holds up her hands, “Eric's got this.  Be nice or he won't make cookies this week!” This was met with instant polite silence.  The crowd couldn't decide what was worse, being cut off from Nina's coffee or Eric's baking.

On the way out the door, Mrs. Sandwich leans into Nina, “Take care of Crowley, he's been looking off his feed lately.  Won't tell me what's going on.”

Nina hurries over to the bookshop, and enters it only to find Aziraphale sitting quietly doing what looks like calligraphy at his desk while Muriel is reading.

Nina looks from one to the other and asks “Where's Crowley?”

“Not here, Nina.  He went out on an errand this morning.  Are you alright?” inquires Aziraphale.

“Fine.  I'm fine, just needed a word, in person, with Crowley. See you for movie night later?” Nina tries to cover while walking rapidly out the door. 

Once she's out of angelic earshot, she whispers into her mobile, “Why didn't you tell me you weren't at the shop!  Where are you?”

“Little distracted.  I'm at that movie rental place.  I'll share my location with you,” 

Nina's phone chimes. Her map app directs her to a video rental shop. ‘We still have one of those?’ she thinks and starts walking.  “What's with all the cloak and dagger? Are you ok?”

“I'm ok.  Nnnngh, not ok.  Physically safe, but not ok? Is that a thing?  I needed complete secrecy,” says Crowley.

“For movie trailers? You're up to something!” Nina is talking while walking through the neighborhood until she finds a familiar old storefront, ‘Kathy’s Movie Rental Emporium.’

Opening the door is like stepping into her past.  There are floor to ceiling DVDs and VHS tapes, separated into movie categories with handwritten signs in Kathy’s clear hand.  The shop is made of little nooks and crannies packed with movies with little sign posts on some of the shelves with directions to the different genres.

Nina had spent so much time in this shop when she was a teen.  She’d been searching for a community she couldn’t name and didn’t even know if it existed or not.  In Kathy’s shelves, she found windows onto other worlds, worlds where there were people like her who loved like she did and got to have the life they dreamed about.  This shop had been a bright spot in an otherwise difficult series of years.  She hadn’t seen the store front in ages.

“Nina, is that you, dear?” Kathy, at her usual station behind the till, is more spare now, but still sports the sharply fashionable clothes and architect’s round frames with a bob that's gone silver with age.  “Yeah, Kathy, yeah, it's so good to see you! I'm sorry, I thought you'd gone out of business when streaming got big.  I walked by a few times…” Nina looks bemused, then rallies, “A friend of mine is here? Crowley, chap about this tall, wears mostly black?”

Kathy comes out from behind the counter and beckons Nina to follow her behind the stacks, down a narrow corridor lined with classic movie posters. “It’s so good you came over! He's in the private theater. Needs a little help.” Kathy knocks gently on a door under red velvet curtains and gold braid.

“Cooee! Crowley? Nina's come down,” Kathy calls and opens the door.

The little private theater is big enough for about twenty people and a screen, with a little stage that Nina recalled had also hosted some fledgling cinematographers and their works.  Now, it contains one agitated Crowley and drifts of huge black feathers.  Nina looks from Crowley to Kathy and whispers “If I'm not out in an hour, come knock?” 

Kathy's face creases into a warm smile, “Just so, dear.”

Nina turns back to Crowley saying, “What’s going on?  Where’d all these feathers come from?” 

Crowley continues pacing, saying, “I’m molting.”

Nina looks at him askance, “You molt?”

Dipping his head side to side, Crowley says, “I molt when I’m nervous.”

“You didn’t molt during the Second Coming,” Nina points out.

Rubbing his neck like it itches, he says, “I wasn’t nervous during the Second Coming.  I was many things, but I was not nervous .”

Hands on hips still watching Crowley pace, Nina says, “Ok, you molt when you’re nervous.  Why are you nervous?”

“I want movie night to be perfect this week!  I want to pick the perfect movie! And I can’t see!”  

Nina walks over to him quickly now, “Of course you can’t see in here, you’ve got sunglasses on!”

“I’ve got sunglasses on because of why I can’t see!  I’m shedding, too,”  Crowley takes off his glasses to expose eyes that are covered with a cloudy bluish-white film and rubs his chest while uncomfortably moving his neck. Nina is strongly reminded of her childhood pet corn snake when he was about to shed, all tetchy and restless.

“You shed.  Like a snake?”

“I only shed when I’m really nervous. And I can’t do it in this form, but I can’t see to get home.  And I’ll only keep nervously molting and shedding, until I get this movie picked out! And itchy!” grumbles Crowley.

“Ri-ight. You’re nervous about picking out a movie for our regular weekly movie night that we’ve been doing for almost two years like clockwork. And you can’t watch the trailers now because you can’t see.  O-kay” Nina decides to tackle the more manageable problem first.  “What movies are you choosing between?”

Pacing and scratching, Crowley says, “‘Emma’ the new 2020 version, ‘Ella Enchanted’, uh and ‘The Princess Bride’.”

“I assume that you wouldn’t be this nervous if you weren’t trying to impress Mr. Fell somehow?  And these are all fluffy love stories, with twists and turns before people recognize they love each other, then happy endings.  Mmm, drop ‘Ella Enchanted.’  Everyone loves Anne Hathaway, but I don’t know about the fairy tale thing.”

Crowley interjects, “‘The Princess Bride’ is one of his favorites!  He talks along with all the lines.”

Nina considers, “It’s a reliable good time, but has he seen that production of ‘Emma’?”

“Don’t think so,” Crowley tugs at his collar.

“Have you?” Nina asks curiously.

“Not yet!” Crowley said exasperatedly, “The movie lady, Kathy, suggested it and I was getting ready to screen it back here, when, eyes!” he gestures angrily at his face.

“‘Emma’ then, Kathy’s a magic worker when it comes to picking the most perfect movie for you to see next,” remarks Nina decisively, “I liked that one.  Stellar cast, good music, usual Jane Austen antics, remarkable costumes.  Yeah, Mr Fell would enjoy it.”

But Crowley is directing a dubious look in her general direction, “You watch Jane Austen films?”

Nina pulls a face then grudgingly admits, “I may have discovered a new appreciation for them since Mr Fell made us watch that ‘Pride and Prejudice’ production back when movie night began.  But don’t change the subject, that’s your movie sorted.  Now, do I just fetch the Bentley and take you home or to Mr Fell’s?”

“It, uh, really can’t wait that long,” Crowley sounds a little embarrassed.

“What? You’re going to turn into a snake right here so you can shed?”

“Yessss, that about ssssumsss it up.  Sssssorry.”

They’re both startled by a soft knock on the door.

“Sorry, dears, it took me a little to find it in the back of the storerooms, but I think this will do nicely for you,” Kathy wheels in a large structure of intertwining wooden roots, rough and nobbly.  “Some of my naga clients have had the same thing happen to them now and then.”

“I’m not a naga,” grumps Crowley.

“Well, no, dear.  Tho’ you’re handsome enough to be one and you need to shed your snake skin like one! Take all the time you need.” Kathy remarks brightly as Crowley pulls the structure further into the room, not entirely surprised to have run into another occultly attuned human.

Nina suddenly puts some very random facts together.  “Kathy, do you know my grandmother, by any chance?” asks Nina.

“Of course, dear, Alvita and I go back a long way,” says Kathy.

“What’s your user name in the Book Club server then?” asks Nina.

“Why it’s ‘MovieMama’! And you must be ‘Coffeehuman’, am I right?” Kathy remarks delightedly.

“Pleassssse, ladiessss!  Sssssome privassssssssy?” Crowley begs.

“Sure, sure, let me know when you’re done and I’ll help you tidy the theater,” Nina closes the door behind herself and hangs the ‘In use’ sign, shaking her head.

Pointing her thumb over her shoulder, Nina asks, “How long does this sort of thing usually take?” 

“Oh, about an hour or so, but he’ll be really stunning when he’s done!  The colors are never brighter than right after a shed. Would you like a sandwich while we wait?” Kathy heads up to the front of the shop again.

Nina is gazing around, “I never got a chance to tell you how important this shop, how important you were when I was figuring out about myself.  I came back to the neighborhood looking for your shop, but I couldn’t find it.”

Kathy looks gently at Nina, “Thank you, dear, it was a pleasure.  I got called away for a bit.  But it’s lovely to be spending some time in Soho again.”

“So it wasn’t just me being mental, or you closing shop?  The whole place was gone?”

“Only gone from here. I was open in one of my other locations.  My Book Club user name was originally going to be ‘MultiverseMovieMama’ but it just took too long to type,” Kathy grins at Nina.

“So, I haven’t been able to find that film about the group of friends at the cottage on the coast because it’s not from this world?”

“Yes.  I’ve still got the copy.  Would you like to watch it now?”

“Would I ever!  It’s hilarious!” Nina exclaimed.

Crowley did come out in about two hours looking rather spiffy, if you fancied men.  Nina was just glad to see that he looked human and calmer.  She went into the theater with some large plastic trash bags, “I’ll get the feathers, but the snakeskin is all you.”

“Fair,” said Crowley, unwrapping twenty or so feet of fresh snakeskin from the wooden sculpture and gently putting it into another plastic bag.

While they worked, Nina asks, “What’s making you so nervous that you’re shedding and molting?  I can’t believe you’re driving yourself crazy about just a movie?”

Finding feathers that have gotten into surprising places, Crowley replies, “I need to talk to Aziraphale and I’m hoping the movie will help me, maybe get him in the right mood.”

“Get him in the right mood for what?  You don’t need a rom-com to make him realize he loves you.  You’ve already done that.”  Nina stares hard at him with her head to the side, then the penny drops, “You’re not going to propose to Mr Fell?” She surveys Crowley’s sudden stillness, “You’re going to propose to Mr Fell!!! Why!??”

“See, I knew you’d understand,” he smiles ruefully.

“Understand what?  You don’t need to get married!  You can be 100% committed to each other and faithful, why would you want all that silly ceremony?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Mr Fell would be over the moon!” which sets off a sappy smile on Crowley’s face, “But you can’t want…why?” and Nina suddenly doesn’t look like she’s talking about just Crowly and Aziraphale’s relationship.

Crowley flops down on a theater seat with his bag of feathers in his lap and Nina sits down next to him, hands playing with a long black pinion feather that just escaped.

“The past two years have been amazing, remarkable, more happiness than I would have thought I deserved.  But, everything still feels up in the air, not locked down, somehow.  I want to show Aziraphale that I will make the most binding contract I know of to say I never want to leave.  Even if I get angry or he does, I’ll do the work necessary to stay an ‘us’.” Crowley looks over at Nina hoping she understands, but she’s turned a bit away from him and her voice sounds a little choked when she asks, “You want to show him or you want him to show you?  You’re still worried that he’ll leave again, aren’t you?”

Crowley scrubs his face with his hands, “Nailed it again, Nina,” he says ruefully. 

“But why do you want any relationship advice from me?  The last time Maggie and I gave you relationship advice about talking to Mr Fell…” Nina breaks off.

“Trust me, Nina, the advice was good.  I just carried it out badly,” admits Crowley softly.

Nina turns back to him, and smiles a little tremulously.  “That's what marriage means to you? A commitment to never stop trying to be the best partners you can be? Whether he or you needs supporting or to be called out?”

“Yeah,” says Crowley.

“And you think you can tell him that, too?” asks Nina.

“Yeah,” says Crowley.

Nina nods decisively, “Right then, you’ve got my blessing or whatever.”

Crowley looks surprised, “Your blessing?”

“Or whatever, I assume that's what you were needing?  A marriage skeptic to kick you in the arse?”

Staring at her again, Crowley slowly grins, “Yeah, something like that. Thanks for coming over.  If you'll just help me get these bags of feathers out to the Bentley for safekeeping?  I've got a few more errands to run before tonight.”

Aziraphale looked up when the doorbell tinkled, and the breath caught in his throat.  Crowley stood framed with the light falling on him from the shop windows with his hair iridescently red.  Azriaphale was taken again by the line of his jaw, the lithe energy in his frame.  A single black feather materialized and drifted gently to the floor.

Crowley was likewise arrested by the sight of Aziraphale with the light somehow igniting the dust motes into a literal halo about his head.  Caught by the look of wonder in his eyes, his quiet strength, and in the way he seemed so comfortable in himself.  The ink was still wet on a heavy piece of cardstock covered with the angel’s best copperplate.

“I brought a movie for movie night.” Crowley said, “And Coca-cola’s for the rum and cokes.  Proper glass bottles, “ Crowley held up the bottles as evidence.

Aziraphale stood at his desk, “Everyone’s given their regrets.  Last minute things, couldn’t be avoided.  It’s just you and me tonight,” Aziraphale’s hand reaches down to twirl his ring as he steps forward to take the cardboard crate of glass bottles from Crowley’s hand, the light sparkling in the glass and illuminating the deep sepia beverage within.  Rather than going all the way to the kitchen, or even breaking eye contact with Crowley, he just reaches back to set it on whatever flat surface is available.

“It’s rather fortuitous actually,” Aziraphale continues, “There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk with you about.”

“Yeah, uh, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk with you about, too,” Crowley stammers and another ebony feather materializes as it drifts towards the floor.

“Oh, well, you first, dear boy, last time we both wanted to talk at the same time…I should have let you say your piece,” Aziraphale's eyes well up with tears at the memory.

“I’ve learned that I can stand to listen better.  Go ahead, Angel,” Crowley says softly.

Aziraphale is spinning his ring now and biting his lip, “We’ve been courting for almost two years now, and it’s glorious, really it is.”  Crowley has leaned back to grasp the shop door behind him for support.

“I just always thought it would be a…a temporary phase,” the angel says haltingly.

“Temporary…?” Crowley croaks.

“Yes, like before we…well, you’ll think I’m silly,” Aziraphale looks away.

“Before we?” Crowley, breathing again, stands up from where he was leaning against the door and catches the angel’s hand in his.

“Before we…got married.  See!  I knew you’d think I’m just an old silly!” and the angel tries to pull away, but Crowley tugs him back, saying softly,

“I think I should have my go now, alright?” smiling gently while reaching into his jacket, Crowley pulls out a small jewelry box. “I love you, a lot.  And I want to be with you, trying to be the best ‘us’ we can be, good times, hard times, both.  And I would like…for you… to marry me.”

“You’re asking me? You’re asking me?!” Aziraphale sounds astonished.

“Angel, if you don’t give me your answer right now, I swear…Don’t you want…?”  doubt is creeping back into the corners of his voice.

“Want to marry you? Of course , I want to marry you!  I’ve wanted to marry you for the past two years!  I thought you didn’t care for all that ceremony, and,”

But Crowley is kissing him, and Aziraphale is heartily kissing him back and they’re both crying, by the time they breathlessly break off from kissing with Aziraphale’s, “Oh!” 

Aziraphale starts patting all over his coat and vest, mumbling, “Drat! Where has it gotten to!” and he finally sighs and slips his hand into the breast pocket of his vest, pulling out a small leather pouch that’s been resting over his heart for more than a year.

“I had this made for you, in case we ever did, get married officially.”  Aziraphale spills a ring into his palm, a black band with gold inlay to form interlocking wings.

Kissing Aziraphale’s temple gently, Crowley says, “I love it, Angel. Here's mine for you,” and Crowley opens the jewelry box that contains a gold ring sporting fine engraving that creates the look of a DaVinci sketch of intertwining dark feathers and light.

“Oh! It’s very like your friend’s drawings!  Well done!” Aziraphale remarks.

Solicitously picking up the few feathers that have fallen to the floor, Aziraphale asks, “Is this why you’ve been molting, dear?  I wondered what was bothering you so.” 

“Yeah, ‘fraid so.  What have you been doing with the feathers?”

“Oh, I just stuff them in the eiderdown with mine, or use them as quills. I've, uh, been mocking up wedding invitations, um, using our feathers for quills,” says Aziraphale.

Crowley looks at the drying invitation on the desk, eyebrows raised, “How many invitations have you done?”

“Oh several dozen, they're in my trousseau with the complimenting monogrammed handkerchiefs!” the angel burbles nervously.

“A trousseau?!  I look forward to seeing that…especially the garters,” Crowley grins mischievously.

Crowley looks over his shoulder at the coffee shop where all their friends are glued to the windows trying to see their exchange.

Aziraphale follows his gaze, “Shall we let them in on the good news?” then opens the door behind Crowley and sweeps him out onto the step where the angel bellows, “I SAID YES!” and then tugs Crowley into a jog across the street.  They tumble hand in hand into the coffee shop into a cacophony of hugging, crying, laughing people.  Their friends are jumping up and down, and everyone is either hugging someone or clamoring to hear all about the proposal, before they move the party over to Kathy's shop to watch ‘Emma.’

[seancamerons]

hi !! sorry i haven't replied to your asks yet, i promise i still will <3 but i see you post about degrassi a lot and i started watching that show at some point but i just can't find the motivation to get back into it (i only watched like 4 episodes, my other problem is that i'm not sure exactly what episode i was on, so i don't know if i should just start again or what to do... so (if you want to), can you tell me what some reasons are to continue watching? like what do you like about the show etc. :)

ah no worries! the first season is a hit or a miss. i love it, takes me back but not everyone shares that love. it picks up in the second-fourth seasons all strong in different ways.

(under the cut)

season 2 is similar 2 season 1 but more beefy in the storyline dept. i hope you pick it back up but if you don't it's not for everyone. i hope i didn't spoil you too much with things, but the show aired in the 2000s. i know i was upset when something from dawsons creek got spoiled for me, that show predates degrassitng by over 5 years and ended in 2003. i just remained so far from that spoiler so long for it to happen unexpected to a favorite of mine, jen. i also dislike dawson i still haven't finished! i didn't even get to that storyline yet and i'm dreading and savoring the time i have left with that character. the show has dated with time, like the earlier seasons of degrassi but they're comforting. no biggie.

what i like about degrassi was tha tit was the first show that had kids my age at the time arguing, existing, living their lives, relatable. and what keeps me watching is mostly comfort, i like the characters, it's still funny sometimes and some storylines can be sad but beautifully written. it sets them apart from other teen dramas at the time, the careful consideration of development in the friendships and relationships. family, friends, found families and epic romances are the norm. my favorite characters and power couples i still love and set the tone for the stuff i like in terms of shows. sean is a lot like the oc's ryan, emma isn't the damsel but she is a strong female protag and fits with sean (best) in my opinion. strongest relationship is between these two, they're off and on and mostly on. they both had other relationships sellie is arguably (ellie) his second most talked about relationship. he does leave briefly after tragedy (vague) and returns again, he does leave once more but this time for good. he makes one last appearance before completely leaving the series for a new life without giving too much away.

i say maybe suggesting to skipping season 1 and starting with 2.

i got into degrassi a little late, like most shows but i found a rerun and that was my first episode from the first season toward the end of that season, called wannabe. i loved the interaction between the girls and i found myself rooting for these girls i didn't even know. they don't look dawsons casting they look about 12, 13 at most, but i had similar conversations like this with friends and i found it highly relatable tehr will always be that mean girl like paige, patronizing the young impressional grade 7's in emma manny and their friends who are younger and such. season 2 is a little more intensive in drama but i think you'll like that. it feels a lot more real, the premier for 2 is really good, there's violence but there's a great storyline going on there. maybe if you start there you can backtrack 1 later and see it through. 3 is a fan favorite, four is particularly dark and strong major storyline arc going on there based on 3, and so on. you'll love it as it goes on and it's worth noting that the oc started around the time of season 3 airing of degrassi. so there's fashion and technology differences, emphasis on music and familiar faces and vibes.

degrassi is long its time consuming and there's filler or bad episodes here and there, there's a few snoozy seasons namely end of 7 until 10 and it picks up. season 13 and 14 aren't as strong, but netflix's continuation next class picks up with those guys and so on and so forth. i feel like a tour guide rn.

but when you have time, give it a chance from another season closer to the beginning when things are more established and if you still don't like it, at least you gave it a try/chance.

i didn't get hooked until mid season 2 when all was said and done. season 2 is so special to me, and might be my favorite out of all the seasons, season 4 too but beyond that there's some good ones here and there and bad ones and a mixture. not everyone is gonna have the same love for it but i love hearing that you're mildly interested in it.

💌 thanks for messaging me.

[mxrainbownoodle]

Tumblr I am so sorry

You have been forgotten and updated the least and for that I apologize I wouldn't be the artist I am today without you. This is a doozy but long over due and my first step in returning back to falling in love with art again

The bottom pictures are a small "series" I did it started in mid 2017 when I returned back to Savannah to pursue art

And right before I started therapy

My therapy application had a line that said "what do you want to get out of this" and when I went in I didn't know, but when I saw that question much like when I wrote in Rain into a name bar without thinking I wrote " I want to know who I am"

2017-2019 those pieces on the bottom were done.

These would be done 3-4 YEARS before top surgery or even starting T. I literally came back to school indirectly changing my name subconsciously and now was asking who am I to myself, over and over.

Up until this point I'd been living the way I thought I should, the way I thought would please the most people, what was most acceptable, but when I went into therapy and I saw that box, I realized I had not a damn clue who I was under all I thought I had to be, I needed to, I should try to be.

I didn't know Rain yet and they very much was who was trying to form at that time. I had their name, OUR name, but I didn't know what Rain should look like. Everything I liked or thought I liked was all things I learned I should like or was okay with in reason to like or if I were to be weird or gay or trans then I had to look that sort of way to, but I wasn't fitting the perfect (fake as fuck) androgynous mold either

I never envisioned an ideal of myself that wasn't influenced by what I thought would be acceptable enough of family or friends to honestly leave me alone and not ask any questions above bare minimum, because I'd learn in therapy I never felt safe to explore myself nor had the chance with all the trauma with sperm donor and more. I paused.

I paused a long LONG part of my development and finding myself that most people do in their late teens that lay the foundation.

That who am I series was for the first time in my life I was in healthier environments where people were asking me my interest, what I like, what I did for fun and I struggled to answer any of those simple questions and that's because I was with people that genuinely were asking about my core and I didn't need to super mask anymore, but I unfortunately didn't know and cause I didn't need to mask I wasn't saying practices responses or things I know I needed for approval instead it left me with a lot of questions for myself.

The picture on the top is from 2022 I did it for my graduation photo and when paired beside these "who am I series" it makes for a beautiful complete story of where I started finding me nodding to whom I even was in 2017-2019 and where we ended up by 2022

Which is: We're neither one thing or another. We don't need to look any kind of way. We don't have to ever recognize a reflection that's gonna change with age what we needed has always been inner peace a sense of control of our own body with choices that only survey to make us feel good. Cause we aren't chasing what pleases others anymore we are chasing what feels good to us and in that is where broken pre me has had the journey of becoming whole and grounded and confident in who we are as a person. We found ourself at the end of the day or years and it was never in the reflection because it's been buried so deep within

You know how you hold a prism to the light and all the colors show through? I was looking at a prism reflection without ever shedding any light inside to get to the RAINbow I've had to shine light on myself in order to come through

This has just extremely humbled me and my own existence and happy art coming full circle unknowingly and I wanted to share it with you all

[cyphersuna]

1. HUMAN DOGS

pairing: isaac lahey x fem!reader!mikaelson (Slow burn), derek hale x ex-lover!reader, mcCall pack x platonic!reader, original family x sister!reader, stiles stilinski x platonic!reader (at the moment)

sypnosis; Y/N Mikaelson arrives in a small town with the hope of becoming independent and having a new life but a near accident will turn her plans around and risk them knowing who he is.

Has the war of Original Vampires and Wolves started?

The smallest of the Mikealsons, will she be with a wolf?

Will Isaac accept Y/N?

warnings; none

author’s note: hello baeess, welcome to a new #saturdayofyouaremikaelson!!! I only hope you enjoy this chapter because your emotion excites me and if your emotion excites me, I will be excited to do more chapters to excite you. see you next week 😺

Word count; 1.7k

ﾟ･ 🌌ރ ੈ♡‧₊˚🎲 *ૢ✧ ۪ ♟️ ° ｡

YOU WERE ENTERING Beacon Hills while looking at the forest around you which looked spooky, possibly because it was night or they were infested with those human dogs. Possibly both. You still remember the faces of Niklaus, Kol and Elijah knowing that you would live here. You think it was the best thing in the world, but you get it. That your sister, the youngest of the Mikaelson clan, decides to move alone, with no one from her family nearby and in a "city" full of dogs. You would also worry.

It began to be heard on the radio lurk from the neighborhood to which you began to hum it. This century was very different: 16-year-olds look like 18 or 19, their type of clothing... You did not complain, it is better than the clothes of before.

Six teens and two adults appeared out of nowhere to which you stopped. You got out of the car and they watched you from head to toe. One in particular made your blood run cold. Derek Hale...

You sighed and spoke.

"Forgiveness! Are you okay?" You asked, and the bearded one came up to you.

"What are you doing here?" He asks and you start to breathe. Human dogs have to hear it and feel it so they know that you are not something supernatural. Speaking of that title, it's the best series and more daddy Dean. You pulled myself out of your thoughts and looked from left to right to fix your gaze on the dark haired man.

"Me?" He nodded. "Sorry. Do I know you?"

"Don't act, Mikaelson," he snap at and Peter comes closer to both of you. The Good Peter, he was more your brother than the ones you have, well not so much like that but he was like a brother.

"I think you're wrong" you say to see him in the eyes. "My name is not like that" you say playing stupid, well! When you don't? Coming here you thought that Derek and Peter would leave and more because of what happened to his sister who did not doubt that Peter would kill her. But just in case you knew you would have to change your first and last name.

"It's not a name," says the older of the two raising an eyebrow. "What's your name?" He ask.

"Diane Jones" you say pretending to be a little scared. You saw how Derek would glare at you deadly and the teens stared at the scene in confusion. Wow! The redhead's shoes were fantastic.

"What brings you to Beacon Hills?" Asked Peter.

"I came to live here" you respond.

"Alone?" Said the one with black hair, super furious. He looked sexier like that. "Without your parents?"

"Excuse me, but I don't have to tell you anything" You walked back and Derek took your arm tightly and the children approached looking worried.

"You won't leave until you answer." Peter put his hand on Derek's shoulder with a "calm down" look

"And your parents?" He asks calmly.

"I do not have. I'm an orphan" you say looking at your feet. Seriously, you deserve an Oscar for best actress.

"How did you get here?" Peter still asked.

"My uncles sent me here to study and not cause problems" you say looking at Peter.

"Don't li-" Derek says to be interrupted.

"It's not her" said Peter. "Listen" as you said, breathing helps and more if it is accelerated when you feel threatened.

"Can I go?" You asked.

"Yes" Peter says. You walked to your car and your turned it on to continue on your way, when you saw that you were far away you start to laugh. Derek's faces and the wolf children, the banshee, and the humans were gold.

You arrived at your new home. You smiled when you saw that it was normal, not big and not too small. A normal house. It was supposed to be furnished since yesterday. You got out of your car and opened to see the living room, you closed the door and walked into the kitchen and up the stairs. You went into all the rooms and they were perfect and yours was much more.

It was big, being a Mikaelson it couldn't be small. You were already beginning to miss them. Well not all. Elijah and Rebekah's overproduction were suffocating. Also you will no longer be listening "little Klaus" or "little Kol" You're not like them, you just like to have fun. And you like being with them more. Kol and you, hunted and had fun at parties and flirting with people. Klaus gave you life lessons. You were amused by his stories and how could he be so... him. Of your seven siblings, you only loved Kol and Klaus, of course you had your differences: you were friends with Katherine and Klaus hates her, you love the Salvatore brothers with your life and they detest them, even more. You lay down on the bed and you smiled a smile that only bring problems.

Isaac Lahey Pov

"It was her," Derek says, somehow I felt concern and more to see how he reacted when he saw the girl as our age.

"Who is she?" Scott ask.

"Y/N Mikaelson" Peter said calmly.

"And she is...?" Stiles question them.

"She is one of the Originals and Derek's great love," Peter replies.

"Original of what?" Lydia ask.

"From the Original Vampires," Derek says angrily.

"They exist?" Almost all of us say at the same time.

"Yes. And between them the two hybrid of Vampire and werewolf" explains Peter.

"What is a hybrid?" Allison ask to which Stiles responds.

"Hybrids are a supernatural cross between two or more different species. The term is commonly used to describe a werewolf turned vampire, as they were the first type of hybrid introduced to the world. However, since the creation of the werewolf-vampire hybrids, there have been other hybrids of other races in the universe, such as siphons turned into witch-vampire hybrids, werewolf-witch hybrids, among others" he says to finish.

"How do you know that?" Asks Scott.

"I read it when I was trying to find out what you were, but I thought the vampire thing was a lie," Stiles responds.

"A hybrid is more lethal than any werewolf or vampire" Says Derek. "Nature does not tolerate such an imbalance of power. Thus, the warlocks, the servants of nature, saw to it that the wolfish side of Klaus and Y/N Mikaelson are asleep. But they are still a danger.

"Who are the Mikaelsons?" I ask.

"The Mikaelson family is a powerful family whose line goes back at least to the Kingdom of Norway in the late 10th century with Mikael and Esther, a wealthy landowner and a Viking warrior, and a housewife and a witch, respectively. In the early 11th century, the family was deadly until the loss of Esther and Mikael's seventh child, Henrik to a werewolf attack that spurred them to use Esther's magic to turn Mikael and the rest of their living children into the The world's first vampires, from whom all Vampires are descended from the original vampires, are known as the most powerful supernatural beings in the world, but the Mikaelson family is also known to have members who are also witches and hybrids. Among them are two hybrids: Klaus and Y/N. In total the Mikaelsons are eight; Mikael, the father, Esther, the mother, Freya, The first daughter which is only a witch and does not belong to the original lineage, Finn, The second son, Elijah, the third son, Klaus, the fourth son which is the hybrid and is not the son of Mikael but bears his last name, Kol, the fifth son, Rebekah, the sixth daughter, Y/N, the seventh daughter which is not the daughter of Mikael and the last, Henrik, the eighth son. Of these eight only are alive: Freya, Elijah, Klaus, Kol, Rebekah and Y/N" Derek answers.

''They wasted no time," Stiles says.

"Neither is Esther. Children of different parents" I say smiling. "But how did "first hybrids" happen?

"When Klaus and Y/N first killed after being turned into vampires, they triggered their werewolf gene, which finally reveals the truth of their true paternity to their family: Klaus and Y/N were not Mikael's children but the boss's children of her village werewolf clan, with whom Esther had an affair. Once Mikael learned of Esther's infidelity and realized that her lover's pack were the werewolves who killed Henrik, Mikael hunted down and killed Klaus and Y/N's father and his entire family, igniting a war. Between vampires and werewolves that still exists. Shortly after the Mikaelsons became vampires and learned of Klaus and Y/N werewolves' legacy, Esther was forced to curse Klaus and Y/N to make their werewolf natures lie dormant, so that they didn't bother yet. More to nature by possessing so much power. However, Klaus and Y/N felt betrayed by this punishment, and in retaliation, Klaus murdered his mother and framed Mikael for the act. Understood?" Peter asks and I nod.

"I'm more than sure it's her!" Derek exclaims.

"It has to be her, if you questioned her or just stopped...-Lydia says to be interrupted by Peter.

"It's her Doppelgänger..."

Y/N Mikaelson Pov

You got out of the tub while you were dripping to grab the towel and start drying off. Tomorrow would be your first day in high school, you had never attended one and according to Caroline and Stefan they are very good, also Rebekah go into one and she looks older than you. You wrapped the towel around your body and left the bathroom to go to your room. You dropped the towel while you felt the air all over your body, you took off your underwear from the wardrobe and then put on a loose shirt and some pajama shorts. You go down to the kitchen for some whiskey and you go back upstairs. You arranged your things for tomorrow and left them arranged so that you only had to go...

masterlist

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[selinahasonenicnac]

Daniel Sloss - Jigsaw

But I was seven years old, I didn't know what life was.

I didn't know what existence was, how the fuck would I know? So I thought I'd ask my dad 'cause he can fix a computer, so he must know.

So I was like, "Dad, what do we all do? What's the meaning of life? Why are we all here? What what the fuck?" And my dad loves his kids, so he wants to explain to his son in a way that he'll understand, but unfortunately, his son's a fuckhead.

So he has to explain it in a way that a fuckhead will understand, and he accidentally did it perfectly, and it's stuck with me since then.

This is what he said, right? I'm seven years old.

He goes, "All right, buddy.

Just imagine that your life, my life.

everyone else's individual life.

Imagine all of our lives are like our own individual jigsaw puzzles.

As we're going through life, we're just slowly piecing it together, bit by bit, based on experiences and lessons that we've learned, until we get the best picture, but the thing is everyone has also lost the box for their jigsaw.

So none of us know what the image we're trying to make is, we're just confidently fucking guessing.

So the best way to do a jigsaw, when you don't have the image to work off, is to start from the outside, the sides and the four corners.

Family.

Friends.

Hobbies/interests.

Job.

Now obviously, as you go through life, some of these bits are subject to change.

Sometimes you'll make new friends, and you'll lose contact with old so you gotta move this corner around a bit.

Sometimes you'll get a job.

That means you can't have a certain hobbies.

You gotta decide then, "Do I want more me time or do I want more work time?" You gotta move the stuff around.

Sometimes you'll have a family member that dies, and they'll leave a big hole in your life.

In that moment you'll have to find a way to fill that void, otherwise you'll be incomplete forever.

" Now, that made perfect sense to me, because I was seven years old.

I fucking loved jigsaws.

So I was like, "All right, okay.

So once you've got the stuff on the outside, what's the main bit of the image? What we are all working towards?" And he goes, "Well, that's That's the partner piece.

You and this perfect person who you've never met before to come out of nowhere, fit your life perfectly, complete you and make you whole for the first time in your life, much like your mother did for me.

" Seven.

Seven years old.

I wish you just said, "Ice cream!" And we could have fucked off.

And even though what he said sounds sweet and whatever, what it manifested in my seven-year-old brain was this, "If you are not with someone, you are broken.

If you are not with someone, you are incomplete.

If you are not with someone, you are not whole.

" And that's not just something my dad made me feel, that's something that we as a society have made every single child born in the last 40 years feel.

Every Disney princess has a prince, every prince has a princess, every television show or movie always has a character in it that doesn't want to be in a relationship.

They're happy with who they are.

But then by the end of the series, guess what.

They were wrong! They were wrong for wanting to be alone, what a fucking idiot.

Everyone needs someone, yeah.

They were just a toasty little marshmallow, weren't they? It's all to do with love.

Divorce, an entirely common thing that there is nothing wrong with.

When you're growing up and your friends' parents get divorced, you're told to not talk about it or mention it to them because it's taboo, and it is taboo is because every relationship on the outside is perfect, because none of us are willing to admit that none of us know what the fuck we're doing.

And when you raise children in that world, where everything points towards love and everything's perfect on the outside, when you've raised them for 18 fucking years, when we become an adult for the first time in our late teens and our early 20s, we're so terrified.

We're so trying to be an adult that some of us will take the wrong person, the wrong jigsaw piece and just fucking jam them into our jigsaws anyway, denying that they clearly don't fit.

Oh, we'll move pieces out the way, I don't need this hobby, I don't need this opinion.

Mom who? The bitch with the tits.

What's she done for me recently? I'm gonna force this fucking person into our lives because we'd much rather have something than nothing.

Then five years later, you're stood looking at a jigsaw you don't recognize, being like, "Ah! There's a fucking cunt in the middle of this.

" Maybe you do meet the perfect person.

Maybe you meet them, you go out.

They make you laugh.

You make them laugh.

They've got a stupid laugh, but you fucking love it.

They like what you like.

They like your idiosyncrasies.

It's great.

It's perfect.

Oh, my God, they've completed you.

For three months.

Every relationship is perfect for three months.

And here's why.

'Cause after three months, that's when you realize that nobody else is a jigsaw piece.

Everyone else on this planet is as deep and as complex and individual as you are, which means they too have spent the last 20 or so years of their life working on their own jigsaw puzzle, in the same way that you've been working on yours.

You can't suddenly expect them to give up everything they've come to achieve to suddenly fit into yours in the same way that you'd be pissed off if they asked you to sacrifice everything you've done, suddenly come fit into theirs, but now, because you like each other and because you're interested in each other, now you have to make a jigsaw together.

And we all know how fucking annoying that is.

But you do it 'cause you're in love and you're interested, and maybe for the first couple years, it's great.

It's like, "Oh, my God, you love this bit of me.

I love this bit of you.

Oh, my God, we got the same thing, yeah!" But time does not equal success.

You can spend five or more years with someone, and only then, after all the fun you had, be looking at the jigsaw and realize you're both working towards very different images.

Only then realize that you want different things.

And in that moment, you have a very, very difficult question to ask yourself.

One.

Do I admit the last five years of my life have been a waste? Two.

Do I waste the rest of my life?

[jerzwriter]

Delaying the Inevitable - Chapter 25 Turning Tables

Book: Open Heart 3 (Post Series)

Pairing: Tobias Carrick x MC, Ethan Ramsey x MC

Rating: Chapter: Teen

Summary: Extended Series WIP – Love Triangle. In this chapter: Ethan and Casey head to a medical conference together over Valentine’s Day, some wine and conversation takes Casey out of her comfort zone; Casey asks Vivian for a favor, and Vivian tells Tobias to keep his eyes open; Casey and Tobias happily reunite and Ethan makes plans with a… friend?

Category: Extended Series (WIP)

Warnings: Drinking, language, implied sensuality

A/N: Hey everyone. I’m too tired for notes this week - oh except one, I haven't had time so my editing may not be the very best - please forgive me. :) I hope you enjoy the chapter.

A/N 2: Leaving the standard reminder from before break: This is a love triangle – that means Casey loves more than one person in this story. I’ve said it a million times, but here is a million and one, she won’t make her choice until the final chapter. So no, it’s not a foregone conclusion. And while Team Ethan, and Team Tobias, and Team God I’m Torn exist out there, there is only one that matters to me and that is Team Casey.

SERIES MASTERLIST

CHARACTERS BELONG TO PIXELBERRY STUDIOS

If you wish to be added or removed from tags, please let me know. Comments and reblogs always appreciated. 😊

“I still can’t believe I have to go to this shit,” she said throwing her final piece of clothing into her suitcase sprawled across their bed. “And I don’t care what anyone says, there is simply no way that he didn’t do this on purpose. I knew things were going entirely too easy with him accepting us.”

Tobias didn't fully disagree, but he wanted to give Ethan the benefit of the doubt. Plus, Casey was going no matter what, so he felt it best to try to diffuse the situation.

“It’ll only be a few days, baby, you’ll be back before you know it. And Valentine's Day, it's just a day, we’re doctors, this won’t be the first time we have to celebrate a little early or late, it’s no big deal.”

“It’s a big deal that I have to go at all, T! There is no reason why it had to be me, he could have taken Harper, or even you. Sure, that would still be awkward, but not this awkward!”

“I’m going to play devil’s advocate again. Is it really Ethan’s fault? You're presenting on solving Naveen’s case, obviously, you two worked on it, so ...”

“You’re right, but they gave him four topics to choose from, and he picked this one. The other three were just as compelling.”

“That’s arguable, but didn’t he make the final selection with Naveen?”

Casey shrugged her shoulders. “Or so he says. But given the situation, I can’t see Naveen wanting Ethan and me to go to this together for a myriad of reasons. So, forgive me, I know you're trying to be freaking Peter Pollyanna over there, but I find this suspect as fuck.”

She was struggling with closing her suitcase, so Tobias walked over to help her. He turned and placed his hands on her shoulders, then pulled her into an embrace leaving a soft kiss atop her head. It worked wonders in making Casey calm down and feel a little better. She exhaled deeply as she clung to him.

“I’m sorry for being so emotional over this. I’m going to miss you.”

“Hey, no apologies are necessary. Like you said, if it were me, I’d feel awkward, but with you? I know this is going to be tough, baby, but I have faith in you.”

Casey's phone vibrated in her pocket, she looked down and frowned, “It’s Ethan. He said the car just got to his place, they’ll be heading over momentarily.”

“Then why don’t we head down?”

He grabbed her suitcase in one hand and extended the other to her. Begrudgingly, Casey took it and followed him downstairs.

They stood in front of their building waiting for the car to arrive, it was extremely warm for a February day and decided to enjoy the fresh air.

“So, you know I’m always a text or a call away. Let me know when you land, and when you’re settled in.”

“I will, I hope they’ll be here soon. I just want to get this over with at this point.”

“Trafic isn’t exactly light right now, but I'm sure it won't be long. Why don’t I give you your good-bye kiss now, that should cheer you up,” there was an impish gleam in his eyes, one she found irresistible.

“Your kisses always do.”

He dropped his arms around her waist pulling her into him. Her hands on his arms rose to the back of his neck as the tender kiss became more passionate. He pulled away and stared into her eyes.

“I’m going to miss you, sweetheart.”

They were so enraptured in each other, they didn’t notice the black Town Car that had pulled behind them waiting to whisk Casey to the airport.

Casey turned and looked at it, a look of disgust crossed over her face. Tobias became slightly agitated, knowing it would have been better if Ethan didn’t just witness that display; but Casey was so annoyed, she could not have cared less.

The chauffeur walked around the car to place her bag in the trunk and Casey let go of Tobias’s hand to slide into the backseat. He walked over and looked inside to greet Ethan.

“Safe trip guys, let me know when you’re there safely.”

“I’m sure Casey will give you the play by play,” Ethan replied without a hint of emotion in his voice.

"I will," she smiled at Tobias. "I'll call you."

"Please do," he said tapping the car as they pulled away.

Tobias watched until the car was out of sight, fighting the sense of apprehension that wasn’t in the forefront of his mind until he saw the car pull away. He trusted Casey, fully, but this was a vivid reminder that this situation was going to take some time for all to get used to.

____________________

Outside of a brief greeting, Casey and Ethan remained quiet in the backseat of the car, the muted sound of the driver’s radio providing the only noise. Ethan finally tried to break the tension.

“There are apparently storms near the airport in Denver, so we may experience delays”

“Hmmm, well, you have to wonder what brain trust decided February was the right time to have a conference in Aspen.”

“Well, it makes sense when you realize three of the five doctors on the planning committee are avid skiers, and there will be sufficient downtime for them to hit the slopes.”

“Yeah, well, it’s quite selfish if you ask me.”

When they arrived at the airport, Ethan tipped the driver as he took the luggage from the trunk. He went to grab Casey’s and she stopped him.

“It’s OK, Ethan, I’ve got it. You have your hands full with your own.”

Feeling it would be best to comply, he handed it to her.

Fortunately, the plane was on time, and the boarding process went smoothly. There were only ten seats in first class and just four other passengers were seated. Casey took her window seat and Ethan gave her a small smile.

“Well, I’ll see you in Denver,” he said walking away.

“Wait, where will you be until then?”

“In my seat. Two rows back. I thought you’d probably prefer it that way.”

Casey sat up and turned toward him as he walked away, “Uh, um…” she got the attention of a flight attendant who was passing by and motioned to the seat next to her. “Do you know if this seat is taken?”

“No, it isn’t. There are only six passengers in first on this flight, and it appears that you are all here.”

“Thank you,” she smiled.

She stood and walked back to Ethan who already had his earbuds in and eyes closed. Casey reached over and tapped his shoulder.

“Yes,” he said removing one earbud.

“Ethan, this is ridiculous. I verified that the remaining seats in first are empty on this flight, so why don't you come and sit by me.”

He tried to suppress the smile that came to his face, but Casey noticed the corners of his lips turn up ever so slightly.

“Well, if that’s the case, why don’t you come and sit here with me?”

“Because I’m not giving up my window seat,” she smirked, “I’ll be up there if you want to join me.”

She turned to walk away, Ethan was on her heels.

Casey knew it was the right thing to do, but the moment he sat down she began to rethink her decision. She hadn’t spent more than fifteen minutes alone in his presence since that horrible night when he told her to leave. Now they were seated next to each other for a five-hour flight, she was restless, something Ethan picked up on right away.

“You don’t have to make small talk, you know. So, take that worry off your plate.”

Casey turned her head from the window to Ethan. “I’ve never had a five-hour flight with a stranger when I didn’t speak to them, I’m certainly not going to do that with you.”

“Well,” he laughed nervously, “It wouldn’t be our first awkward flight. As I recall you didn’t say much, if anything, to me on the flight back from Miami.”

“That was three hours, Ethan. I said five.”

“Noted.”

What neither knew is that they were both thinking of the last flight they had taken together, the flight home from Inez’s wedding. That was just a day after Ethan finally confessed his love to her. The day they were no longer hiding their feelings, when they nuzzled and held hands the entire length of the flight home and here, just shy of a year later, they didn’t even know how to act in each other's company.

Ethan was forlorn, what he would not give to have her head on his shoulder, laugh with her about getting a free romantic getaway, joke about Harper and Tobias… Tobias… his thoughts stopped as his mind unwillingly raced back to watching him tenderly kiss Casey goodbye less than an hour before. He could see Casey's gaze, the one that used to belong to him, as she looked at his tentative friend and colleague. The knowledge that this was his own fault that they were here only made him feel worse. He tried to divert his mind. Maybe sitting next to her wasn’t the right move after all, but how could he have possibly said no when all he has wanted is to be at her side.

Casey also recalled how she gazed out the window on that flight home. The sky was so magical that day, but not as magical as the sight of his hand wrapped in hers. After years, finally embracing what he felt for her and not caring who saw it. Being on a plane that day was kind of metaphoric because she was certainly on top of the world. Now, she was with Tobias, and she had no regrets, she loved him and she was happy to be where she was. But it was impossible to be on a flight, the first one since Hawaii no less, with the man she believed she was destined to spend the rest of her life with by her side once again. She was trying to do the right thing, he was still her colleague, she truly hoped they would be friends again one day, but to say this wasn’t surreal would simply be denying reality.

“You know, I think I’m going to try to get a little sleep on the way,” she said softly.

“By all my means.”

She wasn’t tired, but it was the best solution and, luckily, her body complied. She dozed off quickly and slept for an hour. When she woke, she kept her eyes closed for one more, because she couldn’t think of a word to say and awkward silence was less than appealing.

Once he was certain that she was asleep, Ethan turned to look at her. He knew he shouldn’t stare, but it was impossible not to. He knew it would not be easy, but he didn’t fully expect his emotions to overtake him this much. He never thought she would be asleep at his side, in any way, ever again and now that she was… now that she looked as peaceful and beautiful as she used to when she filled the space next to him in his bed. It took all of his strength not to hold her and beg her for another chance. His eyes filled and he strongly considered going back to his original seat, but what would she think of that when she woke? She had done the right thing. He was going to have to suck it up and make do. What the hell was he thinking when he allowed this trip?

When Casey finally opened her eyes they spent the rest of the flight reading, listening to podcasts, and discussing the presentation they’d be making during the conference. Casey decided to try to act as kind, but professionally, as possible for the remainder of the trip. Ethan resigned to offer whatever it was she offered; he would accept anything.

____________________

“You know, it’s not that I’m glad this happened. It sucks for Casey, it sucks for you, but I’m not going to lie, I’m enjoying the bro time,” Bryce said watching Tobias stare into space at Donahue's.

“Bryce, you make it sound like I’m locked in a cell since I’m with Casey. I tell you we can hang anytime.”

“Yeah, but the aesthetic is different.”

Tobias shook his head, “Never change, Bryce, never change.”

“So, how are you doing with this anyway. I know I wouldn’t be all jazzed if I were in your shoes.”

“Hey, I wouldn’t be all jazzed being away from Casey for three days no matter what. I know it sounds pathetic, I know… the names I would have called a guy saying what I’m saying right now in the past,” he shuddered, “sometimes I don’t know who I am. But I’m not going to lie, it’s not easy to be away from her.”

“It’s not the three days, T, it’s the 6’10” doctor she’s with during those three days.”

“He’s not 6’10”, Bryce.”

“I’m exaggerating.”

“It is what it is. He’s still the director of the team, sometimes, shit like this is going to happen.”

“It’s suspect. I don’t like it. Casey doesn’t either.”

“I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I trust her, completely. I’m not worried.”

“You're full of shit.”

“Tread lightly, my friend. What part is full of shit?”

“The not worried one.”

“OK, you’re safe. I’m not happy, Bryce, don’t get me wrong, but if I were worried, it would mean I didn’t trust her and I do. But, since I’m out to get my mind off the fact that my girl is away for three days, could we maybe talk about something other than the fact that my girl is away for three days?”

“I suppose we could. Like we could talk about how devastatingly sexy my abs are since I started my new workout.”

“Or fuck it, we can just discuss Casey being away all night. I’m suddenly cool with that.”

____________________

The resort was a snow-covered, rustic paradise. A magnificent lodge with every amenity known to man, surrounded by the majestic Rockies, it was a scene out of a fairy tale. The minute they entered the lobby, Casey wished she were there with Tobias. She knew it was borderline lame, she wasn’t going to be gone long, but she missed him. Ethan’s mind went to another time, the night the two of them had spent together at another ski lodge. That was such a special night, he always felt it was a pivotal point in their relationship. And he was doing all in his power to put it to the back of his mind on this trip.

“Hello, reservation for Dr. Casey MacTavish.”

“Dr. MacTavish, yes, welcome. We have you in room 432. You have a balcony and a magnificent view of the mountains, we think you’ll be satisfied.”

“I’m certain I will, thank you.”

“And Dr. Ethan Ramsey, I’m with the same conference.”

“Yes, Dr. Ramsey, you are in room, well, suite 434. You’re right next to Dr. MacTavish here.”

Just great! Casey thought as she plastered on a fake smile.

“Suite? Why on earth…”

“They have you listed as a VIP guest. The suite has full amenities, a lovely hot tub, beautiful appointments, but no balcony and, truly, the view is better from Dr. MacTavish's room. Perhaps you two should partner up and you’ll have the best of both worlds.”

“Hmmm, I think we’ll both manage just fine with what we have,” Casey smiled as she lifted her bag to head toward the elevator.

“It’s amazing,” she said to Ethan as they made their way to their rooms. “I solved the damn case, that’s why I’m here, right? Yet you’re the VIP.”

“If you want to switch…”

“Oh, I’m half-joking, Ethan. I don’t care one fig about the suite. I don’t care about the balcony or any of the appointments, I’m here to do a job and get back home. I just wonder how they came to their conclusion. Sometimes the misogyny in the medical world still astounds me.”

“You’re not wrong, and I am not pleased with it either. I will make mention…”

“No, don’t worry about it, in the scheme of things, there are bigger fish to fry. Well, this is us,” she said pointing to their doors, right next to each other.”

“I suppose it is. Are you going to go down to the lounge for the cocktail reception?”

“No, it’s been a long day. I’m going to order room service and call it an early night.”

“OK. What are you doing before the presentation tomorrow?”

“I haven’t decided yet.”

“Well, I was thinking we could take in the seminar about the upcoming changes in funding, they will have a direct impact on our team… would you like to come along with me?”

“Sure. I’ll go. What time?”

“Ten.”

“OK, I’ll see you there.”

“And we may as well grab breakfast together beforehand…”

He knew he was beginning to sound desperate, and he wanted to take his words back before they finished coming out of his mouth, but it was too late. Now to recant before she could…

“No, Ethan. I think I’ll just meet you there.”

… reject him.

“Sure,” he smiled, “that would probably be for the best.”

“Good night.”

She turned and walked into her room, and he stood in front of her door for a few moments before he walked into his. The suite looked like something off the pages of Architectural Digest, expensive, beautiful, enormous, and it reminded him of just how alone he was. He took a warm shower he returned to his oversized bed. For all the high-end features of the resort offered, the walls were quite thin. At least he had an end unit, this way, all he ha could hear was Casey… laughing on the phone… talking to Tobias… he wouldn’t have heard the words if he put on his headphones, or turned on the television, or if he wasn’t listening so intently… but he was only doing one of those three things.

… and the view is simply breathtaking, though I don’t know what good a balcony is when it’s a real feel of negative 3… oh, I don’t know if even that would help warm me up out there, T… we could, maybe it would be better if we came in the spring though, but we have so many other places we want to go… yeah, I’m tired, but I’ll call you in the morning… I miss you… I love you, too. Good night, baby.”

She really did love him. At first, he had convinced himself it was a rebound, a comfortable place to land. When he saw them kissing in the snow, he couldn't deny how in love they appeared to be, it looked like something out of a movie, but movies were fake, right? Movies weren’t real. So this could all be an illusion. Tobias was clearly in love with her, and why not, it was Casey, he’d be a fool not to be but her… Ethan told himself she was not really in love with him. But within the past 24-hours, his illusions seemed to be crashing around him. She was really in love with Tobias, or was she? He wasn’t giving up just yet, and by the end of this trip, he’d know.

“Hello? I thought you were going to bed? … Awww, I’m sorry. … What if we stay on the phone with each other until we’re asleep? … What are you laughing at me for, you’re the one who called me back all ‘I can’t sleep without you’… (hysterical laughter)… no, dear we can save the phone sex for tomorrow… as much as I miss you, I am exhausted from the trip. For you, I suggest the sleepy time tea we bought at that fair. I love you too, baby, so much… good night.”

Ethan closed his eyes. Casey had no idea he could hear her, and he knew that. There was no reason why she shouldn’t be speaking to Tobias that way. But Ethan wanted his answer by the end of this trip, and though he still hung on to hope, it was becoming more apparent that he already knew his answer. He berated himself, why didn’t he just pick one of the other three topics to cover? Being here with Casey began to feel like a terrible idea.

____________________

“So, what did you think of the presentation,” Ethan asked.

“What did I think?” she said, exasperated, “What did I think? I think I so regret attending this before our presentation because I am so incredibly pissed off I don’t know how I will be able to think.”

“Well, I think you’ll just have to put it out of your mind until….

“The audacity of that son of a bitch!”

“You’re not hearing me are…”

“How the hell does he turn it around like that? HOW? To make it seem like a good thing? And at least half of the assholes in that room look like they bought it too!”

“Casey, keep your voice…”

“I honestly don’t care who hears me, Ethan. I’d take that damn podium right now and counter him on every point and I’ll use the damn language I learned growing up in Philly if I have to! Is this what medicine is now? Even to doctors who took the goddamn Hippocratic oath! Just change the name to the hypocritical oath at this point.”

“I don’t disagree, but…”

“Our program, our program would become limited to strictly patients with extreme wealth because insurance wouldn’t even cover most of our services. And let’s not even talk about our free clinic. I am so angry!”

“That’s apparent…”

“Did you get the names of what Representatives are co-sponsoring the legislation?”

“You didn’t get the names, I’m shocked.”

“I was too busy trying to calm myself so my damn blood pressure didn't go through the roof. Don’t worry, I’ll look it up tonight.”

“I know he said Bradburry from South Carolina and Kenner from Virginia, I didn’t get the rest, but we can look it up easy enough.”

“Kenner? Kenner? I met him at Vivian’s party…”

“What are you…”

“I’m going to call her, excuse me…”

“Casey, I think it can wait, why don’t you just think…”

Casey already had the phone to her ear.

“Vivian? Hi, it’s Casey… I’m good, how are you? … Vivian, I’d like to ask a favor, do you think…” she raised her finger to Ethan and walked away for privacy.

He watched her as she stepped away. That was the tenacity that he admired in her, he just wished she’d take it down a notch at the conference. Then he remembered how he heckled speakers, punched Declan Nash… maybe he was just getting soft in his old age, and thank God there were still firecrackers like Casey in this world. He smiled and walked away, knowing she had a handle on it.

Ten minutes later she walked back over to Ethan who was seated by the grand fireplace in the lobby, he had two cups of coffee on the table before him.

“So, are you prepared to impress me?”

“Damn straight I am. I have a meeting with him on March 3rd.”

Ethan spit his coffee out. “You what? You’ve been gone ten minutes!”

“Fifteen actually, Vivian has his Chief of Staff’s number on speed dial, and he owes her a favor, apparently.”

“The Chief of Staff does?”

“No, Kenner does.”

“Jesus, you have made quite the impression on Vivian, haven’t you.”

Casey waved her hand around, “She kind of adores me. She said she’d trade Tobias in and adopt me,” she laughed, “but I don’t believe that for a moment. She is beyond crazy about her son, even if she pretends she isn’t for comedic effect.”

“You’re right on that. She is crazy about him, and she’s not alone, is she?” he put his coffee to his lips and watched carefully for Casey’s reaction.

She looked up from the papers scattered on her lap, a bit stunned by the forwardness.

“No, she’s not alone,” she answered curtly. She wouldn’t have done that normally, but she decided she wasn't playing games. He wants to be forward and ask? Then he was getting an unfiltered answer.

And Ethan received her message loud and clear.

“I didn’t mean…”

“Yes, you did. And I answered. You want to know, now you know. Look, I’m going back to my room. It’s an hour to the presentation and I think I need to calm down, and I think I need to review my notes. Making an ass out of myself wouldn’t be in our best interests.”

“No, I suppose not.”

______________________

“Hey, I’ve got to take this call, I’ll be back in a few…” Tobias walked into an alcove for some privacy.

“Hi, Mom, what’s up?”

“Hello, dear. How are you holding up on your own?

He chuckled, “Mom, I held up on my own my entire adult life. I’ve been with Casey a month and a half now, I think I can manage to get through three days without her.”

“Hmmm… stupid man. Anyway, I just got off the phone with my beautiful daughter-in-law, and…”

“Mom, we’re not married…”

“…technicality. A technicality that we will remedy soon enough, I might add. Now I need to ask, why on earth is she in Colorado with Ethan?”

“For a business conference, Ma. That’s all it is.”

He heard her exhale on the other end of the line, but she didn’t say a word. A silent Vivian. Something that always made Tobias nervous.

“Mother. It is for a business conference. She will be back in a few days. It’s all good.”

“I remember your competitions dear. I remember how ruthless you both became. I also know she was in love with him not all that long ago, and I don’t know that I…”

“Mom, I trust Casey. Please, don’t push this any further.”

“I trust Casey too, dear. I’m not sure I trust Ethan.”

“Ethan is not the same person he was when we were in med school, Ma, and, frankly, I was the real dick back then, not him.”

“He was a … God, I wish you used better language… you were both rather horrible at times.”

“Casey isn’t a prize Mom, she is a beautiful, talented and independent woman. She’s not going to do anything she doesn’t want to do and, I know she loves me. I’m not worried at all.”

“Not even a little?”

“No.”

“On a scale of one to a hundred, with not being worried a zero and being out of your mind worried being a hundred, you expect me to believe you’re at a zero.”

Now it was Tobias’s turn to be quiet.

“I’m at like a five, OK. But a five isn’t really a big deal.”

“But it isn’t a zero.”

The other line beeped, “Mom, that’s Casey calling me, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.”

“OK, just be …”

“Goodbye, mom!”

“Hello?”

“Hello, gorgeous.”

“Hey, that’s usually what I say to you, how dare you turn the tables on me.”

“Well, considering I just walked into my room and realized that there must not be a single rose left in the state of Colorado, I figured my boyfriend deserves a little flattery.”

“Ah, so they arrived.”

“By the truckload. T, they’re gorgeous, but God, did you go overboard.”

“Hey, there is no overboard. Nothing is too good for you. If I can’t be with you on our first Valentine’s Day, well, I’m sending the holiday to you.”

“I’m I going to have a cherub show up at my door singing love songs tomorrow, aren’t I?”

“Should I cancel it?”

“You’re insane,” she laughed.

“Hey, isn’t your presentation in under an hour? I figured you and Ethan would be setting up.”

“Yeah, we will be. I just came back to my room for a minute to cool off.”

“Oh, why?” He asked a bit apprehensively.

“I went to a seminar this morning. Some asshole going on and on about how lobbying to redirect federal funds would be beneficial to the medical community. Yeah, beneficial to for-profit entities that could give a damn about treating anyone except the one percent. I’m fit to be tied! I called your Mom because Rep. Kenner is one of the jackasses set to co-sponsor the legislation, since I met with him at her party, asked if I could set up a meeting. I have to at least try to talk some sense into him.”

“You, what?”

“I set up a meeting with…”

“No, I heard that, I’m just a little surprised.”

“Why?”

“I’ve never seen you involved on this end of things, that’s all, I certainly didn’t mean anything by it.”

“T., did you not see me annihilate Sen. Farrugia on national TV,” she chuckled, “though, I guess he got his revenge on me in a twisted way, didn’t he?”

“Hey, I’m not saying anything, I was just surprised. But good for you, I’m proud of you.”

“Want to see if you can come along with me? I’m just going to go to DC for the day.”

“Uhm, maybe. I’ll tell you what, let me look into the issue and I’ll let you know?”

“Uhm, OK, sure. But I think you being there, being Vivian’s son and all, it might hold more weight.”

“Yeah,” he said rubbing his neck, “you know, I never really got into that end of the family… business… so to speak. I do the medicine.”

“I get that, but sometimes making sure people are cared for means taking a step outside of the medicine. If the medicine can’t be provided to all people in need, just the select, then what the fuck is the purpose?”

“I don’t disagree baby, but I’m going to ask you to do me a favor.”

“Sure, what.”

“What are you doing right now?”

“Pacing around my beautiful, floral-scented hotel room like a maniac.”

“Just what I thought. I want you to sit on the bed. Can you do that?”

“OK,” she smiled, “I’m sitting.”

“Now close your eyes. Are they closed?”

“Yes,” she grinned.”

“Now lay back on the bed.”

“Tobias, if you start telling me to touch myself, I swear….”

He laughed, “I wish, but this isn’t the time. But don’t think I’m not calling about that tonight. But right now I just want you to close your eyes and stay quiet. Smell the roses, literally, and listen to me tell you how much I love you. Because you have a presentation in,” he looked at his watch,” in thirty-five minutes now, and I want you to be calm before. OK.”

“OK,” she sighed.

“So you rest for a little bit then get down there and kick ass. We’ll talk about the rest when you’re home, OK?”

“OK. Tobias?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you, baby. For the roses, for this, for everything.”

“No need to thank me. Call me after."

_____________________

Casey and Ethan were laughing together as they made their way down the hallway to their rooms. They spent the last two hours in one of the resort’s bars. The fact that they partook in many celebratory drinks may have contributed to their jovial moods.

“I can’t believe that idiot tried to challenge you,” Casey laughed, “does he not know your reputation? Did he think you’d just sit there, especially when the data speaks for itself!”

“Never mind the data, the results speak for themselves. We should have brought Naveen as exhibit number 8. When he was asking for proof, he could have stepped up and done a pirouette across the damn podium.”

Casey went hysterical laughing at the thought of it. Watching her doubled over with tears in the corner of her eyes made Ethan laugh just as much.

“Oh, my God, I never thought I’d laugh this hard at a damn medical conference,” Casey said wiping her eyes.

“Well, the truth of that matter is, that idiot was one of the people who reviewed Naveen’s test results and came up blank. I think he’s still hurting over the fact that an intern bested him.”

“Him? I bested all of you!”

“Yes, but not all of us are big enough to be happy about it.”

“Oh, please! You were happy about it because it was Naveen! If I would have solved it for some stranger at a hospital in San Francisco after you came up blank, you probably would have been a sore loser too, Ethan. I know your ego!”

“That’s not true at all.”

She looked at him out of the corner of her eye.

“It’s not. I would have been beyond impressed and began making moves to convince you to come to Edenbrook. Hell, I would have convinced the Board to pay off your student debt to acquire you.”

“Shit! Does that offer still stand? I would think bringing international acclaim to the hospital and saving our Chief of Medicine’s life should garner me that!”

Ethan smiled, “As much as I wish I could, I think that offer will not be on the table.”

“Well, can’t blame me for trying.”

Ethan looked at her smiling, and she didn’t immediately turn away. Maybe it was the alcohol, but before he knew it he blurted it out.

“That offer is not on the table, but can I propose another? Our presentation was a home run, I think a celebratory dinner is in order. I saw this nice restaurant, we passed it on the way to the hotel, it looked charming, quaint... exactly the kind of place you would love. I already took the liberty of checking its reviews online, and they are excellent. So, what do you say?”

She went to speak, then hesitated, he could see the indecision in her eyes, and he wasn’t sure if pushing her further would be the right or the wrong thing to do. His uncertainty stemmed from the fact that even he was unsure of his motives. So how could he expect her to trust him? In the end, he decided to push forward.

“What do you say, Casey? It’s just dinner. A peace offering, and a celebration, nothing more. Shall I call in a reservation?”

Casey bit her bottom lip as she stood there, giving far too much thought to her answer. She looked at her watch, it was already six PM.

“What time would you want to do this?”

“Considering we both have to get ready and get there, say 7:30? As long as there is a table available.”

“Sure,” she said. “I guess we deserve to celebrate, after all.”

Ethan tried to disguise his smile, but it was futile.

“I’ll pick you up around 7:00,” he joked.

“I’ll meet you in the lobby at 7:10,” she said flatly before turning away.

____________________

Casey said she’d meet him at the lobby at 7:10. So Ethan was there at 6:55. He kept thinking about how his therapist was going to rip him apart for this, and he may lament it then; but right now, he did not care. All he cared about was Casey, having some alone time with her. He knew it bordered on pathetic, but this was better than nothing at all.

Casey made her way down the staircase at 7:00PM. She had struggled with what to wear, her wardrobe choices limited to what she packed, and she certainly had no expectations of dinner alone with Ethan, so she didn’t have the perfect outfit for that occasion. However, what exactly would that outfit be? She settled on a plain black sweater dress coupled with a pair of black boots. A simple, classic look and not much could be read into it. Of course, she still looked beautiful, especially to Ethan, who would have thought she was magnificent even if she had turned up in rags.

“Hi.”

“Hi, you look stunning.”

She shot him a look that made it clear that he should refrain from saying anything like that again, and he took note.

“The car is going to be here in just five minutes, and the restaurant is only fifteen minutes away. I’m starving, so that seems like an eternity,” he chuckled.

“I’m rather hungry myself. Hungry and tired, I’m sure I’ll be a joy to be with this evening.”

“I have a feeling it will be fine.”

Ethan was right about the restaurant, it was exactly the kind of place Casey adored. Though a city girl at heart, she loved a ride to the countryside and dine at a cozy little inn. The stone Tudor cottage that stood before her looked like something out of a fairy tale, the glow from the soft lighting and candles inside emitted from the ivory lace curtains covering the windows. The inside was no less charming, stone fireplaces sat on either side of the room, antique furnishings and hurricane lanterns completed the look. It was tastefully, but abundantly, decorated for Valentine’s Day tomorrow. If Casey were slightly uncomfortable before, being here alone with Ethan turned that dial up exponentially.

Spending the night before the holiday, at a romantic restaurant with Ethan, and not Tobias, felt so wrong, regardless of the circumstances. Once again, she found herself wanting to trust Ethan, but unable to have full faith. She began to think about the copious amounts of celebratory wine she imbibed in earlier and was that what led to this poor choice? She wished she was eating pizza in her room right now. But she was there and determined to make the best of it.

The waiter came over to introduce himself and take their drink order. Of course, Ethan went for a high-end Macallan scotch, straight. Casey ordered a glass of Cardinale Cabernet Sauvignon.

“Excellent selection! Your girlfriend has exquisite taste in wine,” he smiled.

“Oh, she…”

“I’m not his girlfriend,” Casey said politely, but firmly.

“Oh, I’m sorry, with Valentine’s Day tomorrow, I just assumed…”

“Don’t worry, it won’t impact your tip,” Casey joked, putting the waiter at ease.

“I hope that wasn’t too awkward,” Ethan said softly.

“To a degree. But it happens. When we were together people used to assume that Tobias and I were a couple all the time.”

“They did?” It came out sounding more irritated than he expected.

“Yes.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Yes, you did. I used to tell you about it, you didn’t seem to care.”

“Well, I guess I didn’t care so much because I believed you had no interest in him,” he said bitterly.

“I didn’t,” Casey answered in the same tone. “I didn’t, at that time Ethan. But you can choose to believe whatever you wish.”

He put his menu on the table and closed his eyes as he let out a deep sigh. He opened them and realized Casey had not removed her stern gaze from him.

“I do believe you, Casey. I do. But you must admit, it’s ironic to see how the tables have turned.”

“According to their reviews, they’re known for their filet mignon,” Casey said clearly changing the subject, “I think I’m just going to go with that.”

“I think I’ll go with that myself, though, I’ll add a lobster tail and call it a surf and turf. We may as well splurge a little today, special occasions call for a little indulgence.”

She wanted to make a smart-aleck remark, but she refrained.

“I meant because of the successful presentation today. Nothing else. Casey. You know what, if this is too uncomfortable, we can go.”

She sighed and sat back in her chair.

“It’s fine, Ethan. I don’t want things to be so awkward between us, but I suppose the longer we avoid the awkwardness, the harder it will ever be to get past it. Does that make sense?”

“I think it does.”

“How about this. For the remainder of this meal, we put everything aside and play a game.”

“I’m listening.”

“We can ask each other anything, and the other party doesn’t have to answer, but they can’t take offense. Of course, if they chose to answer, there can still be no offense taken. We will call this game, let’s clear the air.”

“You’re feeling brave.”

“I’m feeling like it needs to be done, so why don’t we just do it.”

“Here? In public?”

“I figure it will keep things civil. Like the guys who bring their girlfriends to a restaurant to break up with them.”

“They usually get a glass of wine thrown in their face.”

“Well, I never said I that was off the table,” she smiled. “Are you in?”

“I’m in.”

“OK, then you start.”

He sat quietly, studying her. She sat with her elbows perched on the table, her eyes filled with determination set right on him, and only one question came to his mind.

“Are you happy?”

“You don’t start small, do you?”

“You said anything.”

Casey sat back and took a shuddering breath before answering.

“Yes, Ethan. I am happy.”

It was expected, so the would wasn’t as deep as it could have been, and he covered it well; but he forgot how well Casey knew him, so she could see the truth.

“Honestly, I’m glad,” he swallowed, “and I believe that makes it your turn.”

“What about you. Are you happy?”

He took his time, weighing his answer.

“Not really. But I will be.”

Casey smiled wanly, “Good. Because I want you to be. Your turn.”

“How… how serious are the two of you?”

Casey held her breath, it was her idea, her game, she couldn’t be upset, right?

“We are serious. It’s new, of course, but it is serious. It’s not a fling, and… it’s not a rebound.”

Ethan pursed his lips, but kept his composure, it was her game, but it was his question, and if he asked, she had every right to answer.

“Are you and Floria… a thing?”

“I almost want to ask why you care.”

“You’re not allowed to. At least not until after you answer my question.”

“No. We’re not. And why do you care?”

“I care because, even if we’re no longer together, even after all that’s happened between us, I still care about you, and I worry about you, and I don’t trust her.”

“I’m a big boy, Casey. I can take care of myself.”

“That’s debatable,” she said instantly. Ethan looked up at her, and for a moment she saw the man she met years ago, the attending who was flabbergasted by her audacity to stand up to him. Even though the rules said no offense, perhaps she went too far. “I’m sorry, Ethan. That was uncalled for.”

“Uncalled for, but perhaps true.”

“No. It isn’t true. At least it shouldn’t be. I just had a lightbulb moment and I believe it is my turn, so I need to ask you thins. When, when we were together, was I too much?” Her voice broke, “Did I let you take care of yourself, or did I feel the need to do it for you? It’s a fine line, Ethan, it’s a fine line between caring and helping, and enabling. Did I cross that line?”

“Casey,” he instinctively reached across the table and touched her hand, she shuddered but didn’t pull away. “I don’t think so. I don’t know. I’m still working so much out that, maybe you can ask me that question again after six months of therapy.”

“Did I let you believe you could do anything, and that I would always be there, no matter how much you put me through?”

“I think it was my turn,” he said nervously, evading the question.

“Just answer, Ethan.”

“Perhaps.”

Casey pulled her hand slowly away and grabbed her napkin. She looked down for a moment and dabbed her eyes. Ethan remained silent, giving her the time she needed.

��Then I feel I should apologize, not only to you but to myself. Because I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You owe me no apology, Casey. I owe you one because I should have never taken advantage of it, and I did. Time and time again.”

The waiter arrived, interrupting their conversation.

“Are we ready to order?”

“Yes,” Casey answered quickly, grateful for the distraction, “I’ll just have the tri-color salad with grilled chicken, no dressing please.”

“And you sir?”

“Filet mignon, medium well, and a lobster tail.”

“And for your sides?”

Ethan’s eyes were fixed on Casey, who was looking toward the floor.

“I’ll let you decide.”

“Very well.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what, making me feel like I have to have a lighter meal after all. It’s OK. My arteries are probably thanking you anyway…”

“For everything. In my entire life, no one was ever as good to me as you were. Not even my Dad, not even Naveen, and they have been wonderful; but you, you had no reason to be, and even when I gave you more than enough reason reconsider, you just kept giving. And how did I repay you?”

Casey’s eyes were clenched shut and he saw her lips begin to quiver. She took a deep breath and regained her composure.

“Ethan, I appreciate that, but maybe this isn’t the place after all.”

“Very well. But I’m still glad I said it. You should know.”

“Thank you,” she said softly. “I guess let’s clear the air was the right name for that little game.”

“Well, we’ve at least started to clear the air, and honestly, it feels good.”

“It does,” she smiled. “Life’s… different now, Ethan. I suppose it takes time, we can’t expect it to always be easy.”

“No. But this was a good first step.”

The waiter arrived and placed the food before them. As Casey pushed her salad around with her fork, Ethan could tell that she regretted her entre choice. He grabbed the waiter’s attention as he passed by.

“If I could trouble you, would you mind bringing us a filet mignon, medium-well, with a baked potato and grilled vegetables on the side?”

Casey looked over at him and smiled.

“What are you doing?”

“Would you like him to wrap that for you? I think it will make a wonderful lunch tomorrow.”

“Yes, please.”

“Very well, ma’am, I’d be happy too.”

“I’m glad you’re smiling. I was afraid you might have thought I was overstepping.”

“Well, you were,” she smiled, “but I’m never going to be angry at someone for replacing my salad with filet mignon.”

“So, what do you say. Are we on the road to being friends?”

“I’d like that,” she smiled, “I’d like that a lot.”

They finished the rest of their meal talking about much safer topics, mostly about the conference, new medical developments, and work, but the air was lighter, the conversation flowed more freely. Casey felt he was accepting things as they were now and she was happy for it. Ethan felt… something, but he wasn’t sure what it was. Being there with her tonight, he couldn’t lie and say he didn’t wish things were different, but he also began to see, if he didn’t let go of the past, and toward the present and what things would be, the chance of keeping her in his life at all was slim, and that was something he could not face. This option would be difficult, but he was willing to try.

____________________

The flight home was less awkward. This time, they arranged for their seats to be together in advance. At first, they sounded like friendly business colleagues, discussing a successful trip. Casey teased him about actually enjoying a conference. He brought up her upcoming trip to DC, praised her for fighting for what she believed in, even asked her if she intended to have Tobias travel with her. In time they began to read, watch the inflight movie, doze off. It was normal, and it felt good.

Casey’s phone buzzed several times while they were on the flight. Sometimes it was work issues, at others it was one of her friends, but Ethan could tell when it was Tobias. A look came over her face, and he was quite sure she didn’t even know it was happening. But he knew the look well because it used to be his.

Casey didn’t know she was making it, nor did she realize the smile that came spontaneously to her face whenever Tobias's name appeared on her phone. But it was there.

“So, do you have a ride home?”

“I was planning on getting a cab,” Casey answered as they made their way into the airport. “What about you?”

“Hey!” A far too peppy voice rang out. Floria walked over to Ethan’s side and tugged at his sleeve. “I’m so glad I got here early, who ever heard of a flight landing before schedule at Logan! Oh, hi Casey. How was the flight?”

“It was early and we’re in one piece, in my book that’s good.”

“I guess so,” she looked around, “is Tobias picking you up?”

“No, considering half of the diagnostic team is already here…”

“Oh, that’s true. Do you need to go to the baggage claim?” She asked Ethan.

“Heavens no. That’s why I packed light.”

“Well,” Casey said awkwardly, “I’m going to be on my way. You two have a good night.”

“Casey, how are you getting home?”

“Oh, I’m just going to grab a taxi outside…”

“Nonsense! Come with us, I’d be happy to drop you off.”

“No, it’s OK, Floria, I will be…”

“Casey, come along,” Ethan stated, “I’d rather know we got you home safe.”

“Well, then, lead the way.”

Floria and Ethan walked ahead of Casey, talking animatedly the whole way, right until they got to her car and they both slid into the front seat. Casey wondered, Ethan said there was nothing going on between them, but when did they become “pick you up at the airport” close?

“So, did you enjoy the trip, Casey?” Floria asked.

“It was very nice, actually. The presentation went well.”

“That’s good. I’m sure it was very hard to be away from Tobias, it was your first Valentine’s Day together after all.”

She looked in the rear-view mirror, watching to gauge Casey’s reaction.

“Well, we promised to celebrate another day. We’ll survive.”

“Well, that’s good to know. So, how are things between you? I have to admit, I’m still shocked that you and he… you know?”

Ethan seemed to writhe in his seat but didn’t say a word.

“Really, Floria? I’m not sure why it’s so hard to see. In fact, you used to comment about how close we were. It’s not that abnormal to go from friends to something more, now, is it?”

“No,” Floria said, stealthily sneaking a peek over at Ethan, “I supposed it is not.”

“What about you? I know your divorce isn’t finalized yet, but for all intents and purposes, you’re a single woman now. Did you have a special someone on Valentine’s Day?”

“Me? No, I mean, I don’t have too many friends in Boston right now, much less more than friends. But, that can always change. I’ll keep you posted.”

Just then Casey’s phone buzzed.

“Oh, damn it.”

“Something wrong?” Ethan asked.

“Well, Harper has a stomach bug. So, Tobias is working a double.”

“Well, that sure sucks, doesn’t it,” Floria chimed in.

“I think they can live waiting to see each other to the morning,” Ethan answered with more than a touch of annoyance in his voice.

Casey looked out the window, they were just three blocks from the hospital, and they would have to go much further out of their way to take her home.

“You know what, Floria, just drop me off at Edenbrook.”

“What? Don’t you need to get home and get some rest? You are in early tomorrow,” Ethan questioned.

“I slept half the flight home. Plus, I won’t stay at the hospital all night and it won’t take you so far out of your way.”

“If you're sure?” Floria asked.

“I am. Just bring me there.”

“Oh, that works out well. If we do that, we will pass by that diner on the way to your place, I’m sure you are famished, Ethan.”

“It might not be the worst idea.”

“I mean, it’s no Valentine’s Day dinner, but no one says no to a grilled cheese and soup on a cold winter’s night.”

“I can’t argue with you there,” Ethan smiled.

“Well, thank you for the lift,” Casey said about to lug her suitcase out of the car when Ethan jumped out of the passenger seat and took it out for her.

“Are you sure you want to lug that around here? If you don’t need anything desperately, I can take it home and bring it in to you in the morning.”

“Thank you, Ethan, but I can more than manage a suitcase.”

He took it out of the car and handed it to her, Casey noticed Floria was watching their every move.

“Well, thank you again, Floria,” Casey said with a sickeningly sweet smile, “I appreciate the ride.”

“Oh, anytime. And Casey, say hello to Tobias for me,” she smirked.

“Come now, Floria, all of us know that probably isn’t the best idea. You two enjoy your… grilled cheese I guess.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Ethan said, a bit of longing in his eyes as Casey walked off.

____________________

Casey went to the team’s office and left her suitcase. When she saw Tobias wasn’t there, she walked out to the nurse’s station.

“Hey, Maureen.”

“Hey, Dr. MacTavish, welcome back.”

“Thank you. By any chance, do you know where Dr. Carrick is?”

“Actually, he was going to the nurse’s station in the east wing, a package that was supposed to come here was delivered there instead, he said he could use the walk.”

“OK, thank you! Oh, and if you see him, don’t tell him I’m here.”

Maureen smiled knowingly, “You got it, lovebird.”

“Maureen, stop!” Casey grinned.

As Casey made her way down the hallway, a nurse noticed her coming and Casey held her finger to her mouth as a sign to keep quiet. Tobias was holding court, telling a wild story and making everyone laugh. His animated personality and desire to keep people entertained was one of the things she loved most about him, and one of the things others did too by the infatuated looks on several of the nurse’s faces.

Yep, ladies, but he’s all mine.

Casey thought as she made her way toward him. Sneaking up behind him, she reached around and covered his eyes from behind, catching him mid-sentence.

“Guess who?”

Tobias stopped in his tracks and jumped around to face Casey, completely forgetting that he was at work for a moment.

“Case!” he yelled pulling her into a kiss and lifting her off the floor, earning more than one dirty look from the night nurses.

“Mmmmh,” Casey said with his lips still on hers. “Baby! We’re at work.”

“Oh, shit. That’s right, sorry. I forgot.”

He turned to the nurses and said, “Ladies, if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to take this package and leave.”

“By package to you mean this box, or Dr. MacTavish,” one of the nurses laughed.

“Hey, that’s an HR offense,” Tobias said pointing at her mockingly.

“Yeah, so is all but making out with your girlfriend in front of us, so you do what you have to do,” she laughed.

Casey smiled and said, “I’ll take him off your hands now, ladies.”

“So what are you doing here?” he asked grinning. “Why didn’t you go right home?”

“Because what’s so exciting about going home if I knew you weren’t going to be there anytime soon? I thought I’d at least stop by. Are you complaining?”

“Oh, hell no! I’m so damn happy to see you, hang on. Let me drop this off.”

“Maureen, darling,” he said animatedly placing the box in front of her, “I believe this belongs to you?”

“It sure does, thank you! And it looks as though you found him, Dr. MacTavish?”

“I sure did, thanks for the tip, Maureen.”

“So, I’ve got a little something for you,” Tobias said putting his arm around Casey’s shoulder.

“Tobias! Again, we’re at work?”

“What?” He said turning around. “Oh, Maureen, she doesn’t care.”

Maureen smiled and waved them off.

“You see? Point proven."

He led her into the team's office, like the rest of the hospital, it was dark and quiet at this late hour. He turned on the bright fluorescent lights and Casey winced.

“Oh, could we do without them?”

“I guess,” he said walking over to turn on a lamp near the couch. He went into his bag and retrieved a small red, heart-shaped box of chocolates with a small teddy bear attached to the front.

“Here,” he said kissing her forehead, “for you. Happy Belated beautiful.”

“Awww, Tobias, that’s so sweet.”

They both sat on the couch and she fell into his arms.

“But I have a question, you didn’t know I was coming, so where did this come from?”

“OK, full disclosure. A patient gave it to me, and I’m giving it to you.”

“Really? A patient giving you a Valentine? Do I need to be concerned?”

“Casey, she’s four.”

“Well, she has very good taste,” Casey smiled.

“God, I missed you.”

He turned her head toward him to look into her eyes.

“I missed you too, that’s why I’m here and not home under the down comforter by now.”

“Damn, baby, I wish I was under that down comforter with you.”

“Soon,” she smiled, “real soon.”

Without warning his lips crashed upon hers, pushing her back into the couch. Casey put her arms around his neck and kissed him back, even more passionately.

“I love you,” he groaned into her ear.

“Love you, too,” she whispered back. “So, are we going to make out here?”

“You’re lucky that’s all I’m going to do.”

“Oh, if you’re insinuating that I’m lucky because you’re not going further, well, then you don’t know what lucky means, sir.”

“Poor choice of words, but I’m saving this for home, baby; no way I’d be able to keep the volume down after being away from you.”

“Well, then go back to kissing me and feeling me up, it’s better than nothing.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said pulling her into a sloppy kiss. “Oh, by the way…”

“Yes,” she said between kisses.

“Pull out one of your dresses, (kiss) I’m taking you to Mistral (kiss) tomorrow night.”

“Special occasion?” (kiss)

“You don’t think I’m just (kiss) giving you a hand me down (kiss) from a four-year-old for Valentine’s Day, do you?”

“I should hope not,” she giggled as the kisses intensified.

____________________

“Thanks again for the ride, Floria. And dinner, now I know to pay the bill before I go to the men’s room.”

“It was grilled cheese and soup, Ethan, allow me to treat you to that.”

“Fine,” he said stepping out of the car. “But, wait, I would like to take you to dinner as a thank you, would you be agreeable to that.”

“I could be convinced. Where do you have in mind?”

“Mistral? Tomorrow night?”

“Mistral? That’s awfully, fancy…”

“Do you have something against fancy?”

“No, not at all. Fine. I’ll call for a reservation, but plan on me picking you up around seven?”

“Sounds like a plan. Good night, Ethan.” SERIES MASTERLIST

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