#I didnt add any pictures cuz i am lazy

[frobby]

Something i really like about yohaji is its distinction between relationships with peers amd relationships with superiors.

One thing i thought was kinda silly at the begining was that haruaki was always hanging out with his students lile during breaks and shit (felt most strongly when they get scolded for breaking a window while playimg baseball) and i reason well hes the main character of course hes hanging out with the principal cast and i would have been fine with that.

But no not only does tanaka-sensei provide a in character reason (haru had a terrible school life) they come at me with 'haruaki is jealous of people friends' and what i think is really interesting about that initial chapter is that typically it would end with an 'oohhh but they ARE you're friends' but no it ends with 'even if you didn't make friends as a child you can still make adult friends' with miki and izuna becoming his friends.

This is echoed in the arc where haruaki is a student WITH sano and with his students and he has so much fun but finally he says 'im not your friend im your teacher' the relationships you have with your teachers and adults and vice versa in your life arent without value but theyre not the same as ones you make with your peers and should not be treated as such

[idontwantshitanymore]

TW everything maybe?

i want to rant to myself, i genuinely am tired of this. the notes app is fine but i mean this is my notes app now. im tired, of people, of dealing with things and emotions, of myself, of reality mostly. i always feel out of place, always literally every single time, i hate how its always as if im wearing a mask, waiting for the mask to fall off, then sitting in my room alone at night sad, because why couldn’t anyone see me? since this is a long rant and im a spoken essay addict, as im speaking this to myself, i will section this into ranting sections:

1) i hate myself. i hate everything about me, and not in a quirky outcast way, and not in the way that i Dont Acknowledge that im “loved” or whatever no, i hate myself because i know that whenever im “loved” it’s because im pretending to be what people like but in reality im disgusting and bored. i hate the way i talk and what i talk about how awkward i am. i hate that i stand in no where and fit in no place and i am as temporary as a stupid dress for some occasions. i hate how i look like and like aside from body like my smile sucks it’s wrapped to the side, my eyes are too small and my voice is too squeaky and breaks and gets too high sometimes. i hate that i only notice it when im back home. i hate where i live and how lazy and frustrating i am.. too bossy too hazy too weird.. im too much. too much.

2) i hate reality. i feel like im always less. and that feels shit because i also feel ungrateful because im not technically broke poor or unbearably ugly or in a completely broken family.. but they are also shit. i cant buy a single tshirt without contemplating how that will affect my budget. i though have to sit and watch people buy shit like money is water. i cant stand confidently or take a normal picture and will consider sewerslide if someone took my picture because i cant bare how ugly i am but to normal standards im “fine”. my parents are still together and they are alright to each other but i havent had a conversation with my dad like a full conversation apart from hello in approximately idk 5 years?? more? and we live in a 3 bedroom apartment together i see him everyday. i just dont actually see him do i? and my mom just shouts all day everyday until no end and then showers me with “care” then calls me selfish when i dont give it back or am not as active and happy as she is.. mental illness doesn’t exist here and i forget about that but reality is reality. not just mental health but actually everything doesnt exist here, dreams are wack and if i ever came out id be most definitely hunted. i cant travel anywhere because visas are actually a thing and i never can get any plus im broke. so my reality is.. forever alone in the closet wearing things i dont want to wear and saying things i dont mean and never having a family and never getting out of here.. i really should just d1e

3) i hate food. i hate myself before i hate food but i also hate food. i hate that im not skinny enough im not boney enough.. but im not sick enough i never was never will probably cuz im a coward. all my mental shit is in my brain, and sometimes i lay down just to imagine myself taking my insides out just to feel empty.. because im weak and i cant st@rve properly. i also dont taste food.. its been 3 and a half.. and food tastes like plastic to me.. i havent enjoyed a single meal in 3 and half years or even more honestly.. i cant fucking eat properly i just binge on plastic tasting things i want to rip myself apart.

4) i partially hate people around me. they arent bad people they are just good until im not what they want. until i dont play the role. until its no fun. good until im too mentally ill but no im faking that shit why such a bad mood, good until im too angry why am i such a rude person.. good until im not good enough. i also hate how jealous i get if they lose weight or if they are suffering because no i want to be the one that suffers the most.. i most probably deserve to just for thinking that. i like them i do and i care for them but it gets too much when im faced with my own ugliness that comes with dealing with people.

5) i loved my best friend. until she said that it never fucking mattered because it wasnt romance. i broke her heart but i too fucking hurt.. she liked me and thats alright and flattering but its not my fault i didnt feel the same. not my fault i dont want romance i can barely love anything. i dont want a girlfriend or the commitment or anything. it hurt because then was all her care and love just because she thought i liked her too.. just cause she thought she’d earn a lover? is this how it works? unconditional love my ass there was a condition they just trying to hide that cuz its too ugly to see the truth. i tried helping and being there and talking and communicating just because i never wanted to hurt her but no im the bad guy.. im the ugly ugly person and the toxic manipulator.. who also has their most known info about them that they never fall for friends and never take hints.. but ig no She Had To Be The Exception.. whatever im actually disappointed beyond belief.. i thought i can trust someone but ha ha fool is me.. no more trusting anyone everyone wants the mask on Everyone.

6) i hate my anger issues. it would be fine almost fine until something as minor as my brother touching my teddy bears and my anger rises like a fucking monster. why am i so angry all the time.. angry enough to st@b myself through the heart.. and it starts.. those stupid trials to stop being so angry that i get angrier and someone points it out and i get even more angrier and boom time to add barcodes to myself because i cant deal with the fucking anger.. and ok it would be fine at least if the anger was justified but no im just a bitch to everyone and moody as fuck and never can do anything because my brain doesnt work like ever.

in conclusion.. i as a whole am a creature that should’ve been de@d at least 3 years ago but didnt.. and now im just dealing with the fact that i wasnt. what a fucking nuisance. my whole existence is and the fact that im complaining in Parts about things mostly my own fault is insane. so ungrateful so unoriginal i must fucking end it i genuinely have to cuz this is too much. too fucking much and the future wont get me anywhere i should save my family the money.

[imabookmarkaddict]

trevor is cheesy, markus’ thoughts on hanging and banging

Poor trevor trying to understand anything markus says

puzzlezToday at 3:45 AM

yeh i already have an idea for how markus explains it

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3:46 AM

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i was thinking the series could be something like idfk

WelshenToday at 3:46 AM

Yeah okay good i just didnt wanna put u in a place of trying to describe something supernatural

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3:47 AM

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Markus is good at recognizing patterns too so series of numbers r p easy to notice

puzzlezToday at 3:47 AM

13 7 21 18 12 1 23 17 6 3 22

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3:47 AM

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where it's 3 series of numbers that alternate or smth

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3:47 AM

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they all go up by 5

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3:48 AM

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13 to 18 to 23, 7 to 12 to 17, 21 to 1 to 6

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3:48 AM

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if u can even see it god nowi'm like markus

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3:48 AM

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but he has no idea how to explain it to trevor

WelshenToday at 3:48 AM

Oh god yeah exact

puzzlezToday at 3:48 AM

so he just writes it down and shows it to trevor like see u see the pattern

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3:48 AM

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and trevor is just staring at a string of random numbers

WelshenToday at 3:48 AM

Its like trevor explaining morning runs to markus

puzzlezToday at 3:48 AM

...tf drugs u on

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3:48 AM

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and markus just keeps writing numbers

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3:49 AM

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like do u see the pattern?

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3:49 AM

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here i'll do another one give me a number

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3:49 AM

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and trevor does and markus writes and then says now you do th next one

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3:49 AM

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and trevor blinks down at the numbers

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3:49 AM

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maybe it can get cute

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3:49 AM

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trevor has no idea what markus is doing and decides time to change subject cuz numbers, lol

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3:50 AM

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and maybe the last number in the series markus wrote was a 3

WelshenToday at 3:50 AM

Probably? Time for sex education

puzzlezToday at 3:50 AM

and trevor just adds a < to it

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3:50 AM

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yeh i see the pattern

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3:50 AM

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"<3"

WelshenToday at 3:50 AM

Oh thats cheesy christ

puzzlezToday at 3:50 AM

u asked for it

WelshenToday at 3:50 AM

But markus doesnt use phones he has no clue

puzzlezToday at 3:50 AM

hey maybe markus can call him out on it

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3:50 AM

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oh fuck then it's perfect

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3:50 AM

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maybe trevor is bad at flirting with guys sometimes??

WelshenToday at 3:51 AM

Im sure he has never tried in his life

puzzlezToday at 3:51 AM

like maybe he tried cheesy stuff with girls and it worked so whenever he feels lost and confused he just defaults to a cheesey cute one liner

WelshenToday at 3:51 AM

Just dates idk cheerleaders and other sporty girls

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3:51 AM

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Omh yah perf

puzzlezToday at 3:51 AM

how would markus react tho

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3:52 AM

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would he enjoy it mostly like watching an amusing 5 yo play at dressup

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3:52 AM

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or would he just cringe like wtf drugs r U on

WelshenToday at 3:53 AM

He would just be confused until he understands and then embarrassed to heck

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3:53 AM

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Markus doesnt flirt much either u kno

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3:54 AM

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Its just heres money lets go

puzzlezToday at 3:54 AM

poor thing

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3:54 AM

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if i remember correctly, will was a smooth talker flirter

WelshenToday at 3:54 AM

Squint

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3:54 AM

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If u mean when he said ur beautiful after like 2mins is smooth

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3:54 AM

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Yeah

puzzlezToday at 3:55 AM

so yeah maybe trevor can be bad as heck at flirting until he feels awkward and spits out those one-liner balls of cheese in a rush of panic

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3:55 AM

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well i'm p sure will thought he was a smooth talker

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3:55 AM

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ppl probs too polite to point out he ain't

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3:55 AM

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but yeh thought it might give markus some variation?

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3:56 AM

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unless u prefer trevor to be good at flirting

WelshenToday at 3:57 AM

No trevor can be bad but markus is equally bad

puzzlezToday at 3:57 AM

perrrrrrrfect

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3:57 AM

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i picture trevor kinda secretly watching markus for cues sometimes on what to do??

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3:57 AM

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i mean porn shows u terrible, fake, unrealistic sex

WelshenToday at 3:57 AM

And markus is normally not very perceptive

puzzlezToday at 3:57 AM

at best u learn how to bend your hips back forward in impossible yoga/sex moves

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3:58 AM

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and since he tried those and learned nothing trevor knows nada about actual relationships with dudes

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3:58 AM

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so i had a feeling he was going to sort of quietly watch markus for leads on what to do

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3:58 AM

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so markus being bad at teaching + panicked trevor + cheesy pickup line + markus confused + markus not able to flirt back = a terrible awkward but adorable couple of doofuses

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3:58 AM

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and this i can absolutely work with

WelshenToday at 3:59 AM

Markus can do it technically but not very enthusiastically?? If that makes sense

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3:59 AM

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He gets better but u kno

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3:59 AM

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Yes i hope that works

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3:59 AM

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Theyre both idiots

puzzlezToday at 3:59 AM

i think that makes sense

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4:00 AM

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maybe squint

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4:00 AM

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do you mean he like technically knows how/can think of something flirty to say but has no oomph behind it? like no drive to actually look/sound flirty?? or smth else?

WelshenToday at 4:02 AM

Yes pretty much

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4:03 AM

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I mean hes heard it all obv but that was more or less when he got paid so it sounds fake to him i guess(edited)

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4:04 AM

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So he can repeat it but i doubt he knows how to mean it? Or that he could stick to things he ACTUALLY means (but hed be too awk to say)

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4:04 AM

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And that goes for all relationship hijinks

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4:05 AM

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Jo was a weird mix of paid and cute stalker?? They didnt flirt so much as get along

puzzlezToday at 4:06 AM

yeahh okay

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4:06 AM

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it makes sense tho

WelshenToday at 4:07 AM

Hey hes a mess

puzzlezToday at 4:07 AM

i made a char who was a prostitute and if deffo made him bad at relationships for similar reasons

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4:07 AM

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(my ghost waja actually)

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4:07 AM

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(prostitute ghost waja)

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4:07 AM

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(v wajas appropriate)

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4:07 AM

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so then does markus actually uhh like idk enjoy sex?

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4:08 AM

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if he's done all kinds of stuff from vanilla to crazy-whatever-clients want stuff i'm assuming he's tried/seen most if not all flavors of sex?

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4:08 AM

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so would it be 100% a chore to get through sex or would he still enjoy it in relationships?

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4:09 AM

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i wasn't sure how to write the sorta kinda sex scene with trevor for this reason squint

WelshenToday at 4:10 AM

Im pretty sure hes asexual but not aromantic, he definitely thinks its a chore but if its with someone he has a romantic interest in its a fun chore?(edited)

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4:10 AM

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And at this stage its the only way he knows how to connect with people well guys anyway

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4:12 AM

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Adam fits him better cuz hes got low interest in sex and markus prefers making out and cuddling?

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4:12 AM

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Thats like 10years later when markus has gotten some idea of what he prefers tho

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4:12 AM

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Does that even make sense

puzzlezToday at 4:13 AM

yeah

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4:13 AM

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like i said my one oc was a prostitute and he's of a similar uh... mind? i guess is the word?

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4:13 AM

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in that regard

WelshenToday at 4:13 AM

Yeah

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4:14 AM

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Im sure theres plenty of types of people, but these ones just do it as any other job?

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4:14 AM

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I think markus referred to it as not much difference to idk toilet janitor, he even prefers this cuz he can lay down and nap lol

puzzlezToday at 4:15 AM

omfgggg

WelshenToday at 4:16 AM

Probably napped while working to be honest

puzzlezToday at 4:16 AM

yeh my char did it purely for money and he's impatient af but decent at acting so an extent to he pretended to enjoy company of his clients for the money but secretly hated most of them and the kinkier ones ruined sex for him in a way? like it's just "pretend and act out these ridiculous things" so he doesn't really enjoy sex, figures it's a chore, just gotta see it through to the end, and that mindset continues with him for a while(edited)

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4:16 AM

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but i can see markus napping

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4:17 AM

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lazy bones boy

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4:17 AM

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so i'm guessing markus wouldn't really initiate sex then

WelshenToday at 4:18 AM

He would if trevor made him uncomfortable enough

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4:18 AM

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Cuz at lesst he knows how to do THAT

puzzlezToday at 4:19 AM

yeah okay that makes sense

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4:19 AM

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poor kid tho rofl

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4:20 AM

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so i'm assuming trevor is bad as gay sex in general because never tried before but

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4:20 AM

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would he be the type to be eager to learn, like want to please markus in bed, or would he be a more impatient/selfish lover, like i wanna race to the end and if we figure out how to please you along the way, then good perf

WelshenToday at 4:22 AM

Probably the first

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4:22 AM

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If it was the second one markus would start to feel cheated out of money

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4:23 AM

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Well i mean its not easy to do but by that i mean even if trevor is done theyd still make out enough for markus to get over it

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4:23 AM

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Squint

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4:23 AM

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This is very difficult

puzzlezToday at 4:24 AM

omg snort

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4:24 AM

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i think i get what you mean tho

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4:24 AM

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markus gets "paid" in uh... affection/devotion?idk if that's the right word but

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4:24 AM

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trevor focusing on some kind of need of markus would be like "payment" in a convoluted sense for the sex?(edited)

WelshenToday at 4:25 AM

Yes

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4:25 AM

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Pretty much exactly

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4:26 AM

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Well markus hasnt had a currency free relationship yet

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4:27 AM

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Thinks every bit of affection is to be paid or payment for smth

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4:27 AM

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This is babys first real bf tbh(edited)

puzzlezToday at 4:29 AM

trevor?

WelshenToday at 4:30 AM

Markus

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4:30 AM

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Well trevors too

puzzlezToday at 4:30 AM

okay yeh i thought you meant markus/trevor

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4:30 AM

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making sure

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4:30 AM

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first real bfs with each other

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4:31 AM

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sad the relationship goes up in such flames

WelshenToday at 4:31 AM

Yes well

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4:31 AM

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It was really neithers fault

puzzlezToday at 4:32 AM

and yet the flames buuuurn

WelshenToday at 4:32 AM

But markus is the one on his own after

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4:32 AM

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Unless u count spencer

puzzlezToday at 4:32 AM

do u count spencer

WelshenToday at 4:32 AM

As a minus i do