#I do cow instead of octopus too sometimes

[kerenitychan]

[heavenlyeros]

£30 clay creature commissions & 20% discount on a second one

✦ animals !

i only put cats & big cats on the flyer because i love cats, but i have made all sorts of creatures, like sheep, cows, prehistoric animals, dragons, an octopus, birds, frogs, reptiles, bunnies, fish, pokemon, bugs and lots more, and i am always excited to try new things too. although i'm behind on updating it with my new projects, my website has photos of other fun stuff i've made ! i promise it's not all cats

✦ what i can do

your pet, fursona, favourite ffxiv minion, beloved pokemon, rarely depicted special interest, science outreach mascot, tabletop game character, and anything else you love long as it is creature shape (rather than people shape). they can have little accessories and fun details both sculpted and painted, but obviously the scale means these details will be somewhat minimalist for safety's sake (like in examples). they can have patterns and colours painted or i can marble and swirl clay of different colours. i can also texture them to appear fluffy or scaly. i love using shimmery and metallic paints - neat for the festive season! if you are gifting, i can add a little card and/or ribbon to your creature and mail it directly to your giftee.

✦ refs

images of the actual creature you would like me to make you are always neat, but it is okay if you do not have those. a little doodle, a moodboard, a picrew, a detailed description are all very good too, and i will ask for any info i need. or if you only have the vibes and would like me to come up with a design that's neat too.

✦ what i cannot do

because these are small and they must also survive in the mail, i cannot add super fine details like long antennae or thin tentacles. i can still add details like these in, but they will be chubby and short. the tails on the flyer are about as thin as they can go. i am also wary of creatures with very delicate details coming out to the sides from the main bulk of the animal (like wings and antlers) because they have a riskier time in the mail. these will also need to be very chubby in order to be sturdy. where viable, i would prefer creatures to remain on all four legs (like meerkat being long instead of tall) and that they are standing, not sitting. this works best with my sculpting technique, but i am happy to branch out where needed. loafing and splooting creatures are very welcome. because they need to be able to stand, biped creatures have to be extra chubby on the bottom. for this reason i tend to not sculpt legs at all (on birds for example), but i can paint them on where it is an option. if the creature really needs legs they can be sitting instead with their legs in front of them or similar. i will do my best to come up with an idea that works for your creature and still allows them to balance fine ! i prefer mixing clay and getting colour variation that way if the creature is not one colour. for paint, i generally use dark blue or dark brown for darker details, and white for lighter details, with other colours used sparingly where that detail is necessary, like eye colour. i am most comfortable with minimal paint, because it means the finish is much sturdier and will not get damaged with regular handling and play. so patterns like multicolour spots or swirls and accessories like hats and scarves will be a different clay colour rather than painted, most of the time.

✦ about your creature

the animals are about 5cm/2 inches long. wolf & ghostling creatures always have beans and x shaped buttholes and other little details like that where applicable. i make the creatures out of polymer clay (usually fimo) and they are painted with acrylic paint and sealed with glossy acrylic varnish. i also use shimmery and colour changing powders that i mix into the paint sometimes to get metallic, pearlescent, and holographic effects. they are waterproof (just don't scrub them) and they are very sturdy. they can survive falls and even being yeeted across the room by my bastard cat. they are weak to things falling on them and to being squashed. the clay has some flexibility but it will eventually snap under pressure. the finish should not rub away at all with handling, long as you do not scratch it. unless they're super stubby, their legs and tails are built on armatures (wood and wire). this makes them extra sturdy and also quite easy to fix should an accident happen. they are full of love. i adore making them. they bring me so much joy. i hope you will feel the same.

✦ timeframe, shipping, and shop policies

your creature will be finished in 1-4 weeks. it depends on how many i have to make and whether i have the right colour clay on hand or must order it online. i will always aim to work as fast as possible. i do not always complete the first orders i received before later orders - i work on them depending on which one i feel is best for me to tackle at the time so that i am always excited and get the best results. i will contact you with updates if you like, and to ask any questions if something is unclear. i love taking wip photos. once your creature is finished, i will ship it out using royal mail. uk orders are shipped tracked and international orders are shipped standard. if your country has notoriously unreliable post service or you'd just feel safer with a tracking number, please let me know and i can invoice you via paypal to upgrade to tracked shipping for around £6. creatures should arrive to anywhere in the world in 2-3 weeks maximum, but of course i cannot guarantee, and varies by time of year and your local carrier. as these are custom orders there are no returns or refunds. if your creature gets lost in the mail i will do my utmost to sort it out with royal mail but i unfortunately cannot refund you out of pocket as i am barely covering my own costs and offering these so i can afford the most basic of necessities. if your creature arrives damaged please get in touch and i will provide advice on how to fix it or a replacement, depending on circumstances.

please message me on here or on ko-fi if you have any questions at all and thank you for checking out my creature commissions <3

[monsterstewwrites]

More Honey cuz I’ve gone insane

My Sheep hybrid AU Honey, from Miggiisdumb’s bnha hybrid farm au has been taking of my brain recently, so I wrote another thing for her. This time we actually see some of the smut she and farmer Shoto get up to.

I have no idea how farms work so a lot of this is guesswork and googling, also I am not a very good writer. But honestly, writing smut and sex gets me motivated anyway so here we go.

Shino belongs to one-spicy-spider and you should shower her with love.

Donovan stared into her eyes and ran his hands over her clothed breasts, her nipples hardening from the attention. The way his thumbs kneaded into the hardened buds sent shivers through her soft skin.

“Can you feel me through your dress?” He asked her, pressing himself fully against her and grinding his hips into her crotch. “The flimsy fabric you typically wear makes you practically naked, which I often love. But you're not actually nude, which can make things frustrating, as you can feel.”

Indeed, Alyssa could feel his manhood through the thin fabric of the white dress she wore, it throbbed through his own trousers and sent her into a flush.

“Do you want me?” He whispered into her ear, his hot breath making her wetter.

With a heavy swallow she nodded, and Donovan grinned and reached for the straps of her dress and pulled it apart with a hard ripping sound.

Her hands instinctively tried to cover herself, but he used one hand to grab her wrists and pinned them above her head. She could feel his long fingers twist down her skin and tightening around her joints, locking her into that position.

The now tattered dress fell to the floor as he snaked his massive hand down between her legs and pressed his entire palm against her dripping pussy and tapped lightly against her folds. She groaned at the gentle touch, hoping for him to pressing rougher.

“Do you want it rougher?” He said to her. “Do you want my fingers to treat you mean?”

“Please!” Alyssa cried. “Take me, open me and use me as you please!”

Donovan pushed his fingers inside her and kissed into her neck, teeth grazing her skin and his tongue working around her neck and squeezing, not to strangle her, but to feel her heartbeat against one of his most sensitive appendages.

She loved the way that his long fingers reached inside her in ways no one else could, and she groaned out in pleasure as he felt around inside her.

“Take me with your cock,” she moaned out. “Fill my cunt with your barbs and never let me go.”

“Sheepy, earth to sheepy!”

Honey snapped the book closed, her face aflame and legs squirming slightly as she pressed the book against her chest. She looked up at the sight of Doctor Keigo looking down at her with a smirk on his face.

“Enjoying yourself?” He asked.

She winced and stuffed her smut back into the little pocket of her wool.

When she went over to Doctor Keigo's office for her checkup he had said it was okay for her to take the book she had been reading, and he once said as log as it kept her from being too nervous she could keep doing so.

They both forgot how much of a distraction her reading habits could be.

“I'm glad to know you're enjoying my gift,” the vet said to her as she turned back to him. “One person's trash really is another person's treasure and all that, still it'd be nice if you paid a pinch attention during your checkup.”

“Sorry,” she muttered.

“No worries Sheepy,” he said. “Some people get sucked into it more than others. Now let me check your vitals to you can head back to the barn and finish that bodice ripper.”

He took out his stethoscope and began checking her heartbeat.

“It's a bit fast,” he muttered. “Though I have a good guess why that is.”

Honey stuck her tongue out at him, proof that she was getting more used to him and could be comfortable around with without fear.

“I know you first got into them for research,” he said idly. “You wanna get more ideas for how to better seduce the lads around here, most likely Shoto because you're more of a nightingale than a sheep most days.”

Honey pouted, he had insisted that before but she didn't think so. She didn't like him because he saved her or anything, she liked him because when she was scared and alone he was kind to her and made her feel like this new place was home.

That was completely different.

“I'm not a sexy cow,” she said. “I can't just make him suck my boobs the way he does with the cows, I wanna be able to walk all sexy and make him hard just as our eyes meet.”

Her fancy description and wistful tone made Keigo throw her a look, she really had been diving into those books a lot hadn't she?

“You really don't need at that faff to seduce someone, you know,” he said. “Men aren't complicated, and it's not like you've never screwed him before.”

“Well, yeah,” Honey admitted as she turned around and leaned over as far as she could without falling. “But I can barely ask for normal sex, what about that fancy sex I keep reading about and wanna try? The one where the princess was taken on the ship and tied to the mast, and the Octopus King saved her from the pirates and pleasured her while pulling the boat she was still tied to to his kingdom is still one of my favorites.”

Keigo paused in his checking of her spine.

“Was that was that one was about?” He muttered.

Honey ignored him and straightened herself back up, a few of her spinal joints popping as she stretched slightly.

“Is it so bad to wanna feel like a pretty damsel being rescued by her strong prince sometimes?” She asked, voice growing shy by her admission.

Keigo wrote something down on his clipboard with an amused sigh.

“Honestly considering what usually goes down around here that's probably pretty tame,” he admitted. “Stick your tongue out for me.”

She complied with each of his instructions and made a 'blah' to show him her tongue, checkups were kinda boring of she were being honest. Luckily only a few more things needed to be checked up on anyway, and he soon was able to finish things up with her.

“Alright Sheepy,” He said. “Everything looks to be in order her, you need me to escort you back to your pen?”

“No thank you,” Honey said. “I'm fine, goodbye doctor.”

“Next time I'll being you a series,” he said as she slipped out the door. “You're one of my most manageable patients, so I have to reward that somehow.”

He threw her a little wink and laughed at her flustered reaction, slamming the door behind her.

Doctor Keigo doing that always spurred her into a run, sprinting back to her pen where she could finish her book in relative peace.

The barn was usually pretty empty around this time of day, most of the other animals being milked or sheared or fucked.

Sometimes they fucked in the barn itself, but the hay had yet to be replaced and most of the hybrids preferred clean hay to roll around in.

Honey arrived at the barn hoping to find a bit of quiet, curl up under her blanket and read and get a few more ideas to become more confidant in herself. Sometimes she got so absorbed in her novels that she didn't even notice that sex was happening in the pen right next to her.

She didn't expect what she saw when she entered the barn made for the sheep to get to her pen.

“What?”

Amber eyes flashed at her as a stranger stared at her in silence.

A raccoon hybrid was rooting around in Honey's little pen and had strewn her novels all over the place, nearly all of them in tatters. Ripped out pages littered the floor and the cover of 'A midsummer night's cream' was sticking out of the raccoon's mouth as well as a few strings of the she's blanket.

Honey wasn't a violent hybrid by nature, in fact she was probably the least physically assertive (or any kind of assertive) hybrid in the the entire farm.

But when she saw what this stranger had done to her belongings and sleeping space something inside her snapped.

“NO!” She screamed, running towards the offending trespasser with her little hands in fists as she bounded over the fencing to get to her. “Get away! Those are mine!”

She tried to throw a punch at the raccoon, but was caught off guard by the little pest swiftly spinning around and swinging a knife wildly at Honey, slicing into her arm. A manic laugh erupted from her feral throat at her own actions.

But unluckily for the raccoon, Honey was loud when she was both scared and hurt.

She screamed as loud as she could, praying that someone could hear her, and she grabbed the raccoon by the roots of her scraggly blonde hair to make sure she couldn't escape. Another attempt to swing the knife resulted in Honey using her other hand to grip the grimy raccoon wrist in exchange for the blade nicking her skin.

“Geh!” The raccoon let out a harsh grunt as Honey pulled the sloppy hair. “Gedoffa me you stupid farmie brat!”

She pulled her arm away from Homey's losing her knife in the process, and swiped out at Honey's body, and the sheep was thankful for the level of wool she had accumulated because the claws protected her flesh from being sliced into.

Instead they tangled up into the wool itself which was less than ideal.

The pair of them ended up tussling amongst the scattered papers, with the raccoon trying to pry free from Honey and Honey herself trying to keep her in place despite the pain of her wool getting snagged.

Blood from her knife wounds trickled down her arm as the sheep hybrid tightened her grip on the raccoon's scraggly hair, one of the twin buns coming loose as she held fast.

It hurt really bad and she was scared out of her mind but she was too angry to let go.

The raccoon girl hissed as her claws managed to get free from the wool, tearing a chunk of it out in the process. She dug her hands into the arm that was grabbing at her hair and cause the sheep to let go.

“That's it!” The pest shrieked. “I'll teach you to mess with my rummaging!”

She drew her clawed fingers back and swiped at Honey's face, the sheep closed her eyes and braced for impact.

A sudden clang interrupted the pain and she felt herself get pulled away.

She blinked in confusion before realizing that she was in Shoto's arms, one hand wrapped protectively around her while the other held held a large empty bucket.

The raccoon was doubled over, clutching her head.

“Shoto!” Honey breathed.

“Damn you!” The raccoon cried out. “Don't interfere you asshole!”

Shoto looked like he was going to swing his bucket again, but something stopped him. A rush of air from above as something else literally flew into the barn and landed atop the fencing of the pen.

The barn owl hybrid Shino stared down at the scene with fury in her eyes.

The raccoon stared back.

“Well shit.”

Shino let out a screech, spreading her wings to their fullest and causing the raccoon to let out a shriek and turned around to run, but Shino was faster. The owl hybrid was on her in a second, pinning down her prey with her mighty talons.

The raccoon could only kick and scream as she was held fast.

Honey stared in awe at the sight of how easily Shino had apprehended that horrible raccoon, and made a mental note to thank her in some way once everything was set back to normal.

Glancing at the tatters of her books below, she wondered if she could make a flower crown out of the papers for her. She'd look super pretty with one, not that she didn't look pretty already.

At the barn doors many cows gathered to try and take a peek at what had happened, the heifers who could see the mess whispering to the cows in back and sending the whispers of gossip throughout them.

A few of the cows could see that Honey was bleeding, and that only got them more abuzz with interest. Shoto ignored them in favor of putting his bucket down and checking up on the little sheep in his arms.

“Thank you,” Shoto said to Shino. “I was afraid I'd have to hold it off myself.”

“No problem, I'm just sad I didn't catch her earlier. Hey! Quit kicking,” Shino snapped as other farmers and hybrids arrived at the barn to see what the fuss was about. “Don't make me rip that nasty head of yours off.”

While Shino was threatening, Iida barged in, pushing past the gossipy cows and taking a look at the situation in all it's chaos. When his eyes fell on the raccoon hybrid beneath Shino he actually recoiled at the sight of her.

“What on earth is she doing in here?” He asked. “How did she get in?”

“Maybe we can get the details out of her later,” Shoto told him. “Right now we should take care of Honey.”

He looked over her and took stock of the injuries she had sustained in her scuffle. All of a sudden the gravity of what had just happened hit her like a ton of bricks, the pain of her wounds coming to her now that the adrenaline was wearing off. She threw herself deeper into Shoto's chest and let out a tired sob.

“I'll take care of her,” he said to Iida. “You take care of that thing.”

“Bring her here Todoroki,” A voice said, silencing the gossiping cows. Doctor Keigo walking inside with a medical kit at his side and Izuku trailing behind.

Shino's feathers puffed up in irritation at the sight of Keigo, but given the situation she didn't move from her grip atop the intruder as he stood just outside the pen.

Keigo kept his distance and gave a nod to Izuku, who approached with a long pole with a looped steel cable.

Izuku quickly looped the snare around the raccoon's neck, only giving Shino the okay to let her up once he was sure it was secure.

“Keep one talon on her,” Keigo advised. “Take her to my office and don't take your eyes off her for a second. I have a friend who can make sure she isn't diseased and take her back to wherever she came from.”

It was clear that the great owl Hybrid wasn't keen on going to his office, but since he seemed to be staying behind to take a look at her little sheep friend.

Only slightly reluctantly, Shino and Izuku led the raccoon, who had begun laughing like a lunatic for some reason, and the onlooking cows hooted jeers and jabs at her.

“Now now!” Iida shouted at the crowd of hybrids looking on. “Nothing to see here everyone, go back about your day, unless you would like to help clean this mess up!”

That made them scatter, most back to their milking or fucking.

“I'll cover you for today,” Iida said to Shoto. “You make sure she's alright, I know she likes you best so it'll be quickest if it's in your hands.”

The way his face pinked a little bit told Shoto all he needed to know about where his mind was at as he walked outside where the remainder of the cows were waiting for him.

Not that either of them were complaining.

Setting her down, Shoto took Honey's sliced up arms and winced at the sight of them. He hated the sight of anyone on this farm hurt, and reaching for the medical supplies that Keigo placed nearby he carefully got about disinfecting her injuries.

She winced at the disinfectant rubbing into her wounds but remained still so Shoto could do his job. Once he was done he pressed his hand to her cheek, which she leaned into and kissed his palm.

Nearby, Keigo was examining the knife that had been used to stab at Honey.

“Looks like she swiped this from somewhere on the farm,” he said. “That means it's not likely to have any diseases on it, so that's a bit of good news here. I'll take a blood sample just in case, but I don't think you have anything to worry about, especially since you've been given shots to prevent this sort of thing.”

“That's good,” Shoto said as he bandaged up her injuries. “You've been really brave so far, can you hold still so he can do that?”

She nodded, but leaned into Shoto's chest anyway as Keigo pulled out a hypodermic needle and drew closer. No one liked needles on the farm, but she knew better than to kick up a fuss about it after everything and let him draw a bit of blood.

Once he had taken his sample he stood up so he could head out to get it checked out.

“I'll leave it to you two then,” he said. “You kids play nice.”

Shoto ignored him, and the joke flew over Honey's head as she looked at the mess made of her pen. He laughed as the barn doors closed behind him and left them alone.

Honey sighed sadly as she bent down to pick up the destroyed books that were scattered around her pen, the sadness of losing them creeping back to her.

“I can't believe that horrible thing destroyed all my books,” she said sadly. “I loved them all and now they're ruined. I might be able to figure out how to make the scraps into something pretty, but it's sad that I won't be able to read them anymore.”

“'Tonio gazed into Angelica's eyes and gave her full rump a squeeze, causing a grunt to erupt from her throat. He wanted to make that sound fill his mind forever, and he had just in instrument to do so.'” Shoto read from one of the papers, his eyebrows raising with each word. “This is some intense stuff, you know.”

Honey flushed and tried to grab at the papers, but he snatched it out of her reach with a teasing grin.

“Were you hoping to get some ideas?” He asked.

She was about to deny it, but she realized that the look in his eye was a chance that he was giving her. Honey swallowed and said the first thing she could think of.

“So what if I was?”

That was all he needed to hear.

Shoto pressed a kiss to her forehead, then another above her eye, and her nose, and finally to her soft lips.

She hummed into his kiss, feeling everything around them melt away. Her mouth opened instinctively and allowed him to push his tongue against hers as he gently guided her backwards until her back hit the pile of hay in the corner.

His hands ran across her soft body, fondling her chest as he kissed her and traveling lower and lower. One hand hooked under one leg and hitched it up to allow better access to the lovely pussy that was aching for him.

She moaned into his mouth as he fingered at her delicate clit, rubbing small circles into it with her thumb as his fingers probed her sloppy little hole.

Honey's hands gripped around his neck and pulled him closer to her, as close as they could possibly manage. He took the chance to nip at her neck, at that spot he knew drove her crazy as his fingers pumped in and out of her and curled his fingers just so, making tremors shake her body as she spilled over his hand.

“You,” she panted. “You were like my knight in shining bucket.”

That made him laugh against her neck, his teeth scraping against her skin and savoring the feel of her pulse beneath his tongue.

He wanted to make sure she was completely ready for him, loosening her walls so there wouldn't be any pain. She's already gone through enough after all.

After another few moments, he pulled his fingers out of her and reached for the fly of his pants.

“I'm you're knight eh?” He muttered as he fumbled with the zipper. “In that case...”

The sounds she made had made him achingly hard, and he could tell she had been thinking about his erection for a long time as he freed it from it's confines. She looked hungry for it, as much as he was for her.

“Allow me to claim my reward from the lovely maiden then.”

Honey felt like Princess Stella from one of her favorite novels, and she bit her lip in anticipation as her legs spread more, as much as she could manage.

Shoto ran a hand along her thigh, gentle and loving.

“Well then, are you ready for me?” he whispered into her ear. “Ready for your knight to take you?”

“Please,” she moaned. “Oh please fuck me, I can't wait anymore.”

Shoto gripped her legs and spread them as wide as she could comfortably manage and pressed his length into her aching pussy with a groan, the wetness from his earlier treatment allowing him to slide in until he was balls deep.

They both let out guttural moans that were practically in harmony.

“You alright?” He asked, not moving an inch until he was sure she was good about it.

She was stuffed so full of him that all she could do was nod, allowing him to pull away from her and slam back inside against her cervix, making her head fall back with her tongue lolling out of her mouth as he fucked into her until she could barely think straight.

“Oh god,” she moaned, bouncing against his relentless pounding. “Oh yes, please yes! More, please.”

The panting she made and the bounce of her breasts against his pounding only spurred him on further, and he repositioned her legs further until they were pushed up against her ears. It felt like heaven for both of them as fucked deeper into her.

Honey was on cloud nine, only able to think of the sensation of the man above her rearranging her insides. She reached a trembling hand down to where the pair of them were connected so she could continue at her clit. The sight was too delicious and Shoto felt the pressure building up inside him reach a peak, but he did everything in his power to hold off as he mercilessly pounded away.

The two of them filled the air of the barn with their gasps and moans until Honey began to feel her orgasm reach a boil.

“Please,” she panted. “Cum, I wan' cum. Come inside me, please!”

Her begging was enough to push him further towards the edge, and she felt the tension inside her was wound tighter and tighter as he hammered into her even harder.

It was impossible to tell how long they went on for, until a wave of bliss crashed over her with a loud cry. Her back arched sinfully and her walls clamped around his length and triggered an orgasm of his own.

He pressed against her as he emptied his load inside her, filling her up with his cum.

Bliss.

The pair of them panted against each other, their high winding down but they didn't dare move or the feeling would dissipate quicker.

Shoto pressed a kiss to Honey's neck after a moment.

“Good girl,” he panted.

Carefully he pulled out, watching as a few dribbled of his seed spilled from her. She looked up at him with a smile and longing in her eyes.

“Shall we clean up now?” He asked.

“Let's wait just another moment,” Honey said. “This feels too nice.”

He smiled, Iida had told him to take care of her after all. This was all part of the job and who was he to go against his orders?

And she was so soft and perfect to snuggle up with.

It wasn't until an hour later that they were able to get themselves to clean up the pen, saving the paper so Honey could make a lovely crown of paper flowers for her other hero.

She was sad to see her lovely stories go, but considering the fallout she could deem the acceptable losses.

Besides, between doctor Keigo and other farmers hearing what had happened, she soon had more than enough donations to replace it with.

[thiswasinevitableid]

9 danbrey? (nsfw or sfw!)

9 was “Meditation.” I went SFW, hope you like it! Dani’s coloration is inspired by a Green and Gold Cory

Dani likes watching the humans, especially the ones her age, from a tangle of kelp near the shore. Human children are always running up and down the seashore, shrieking and splashing. She’s asked if she can play with them, but her parents keep reminding her that humans don’t generally react calmly to merfolk. 

This child, however, is just sitting there, legs crossed and eyes shut, hands on her knees (Dani’s pretty sure that’s what they’re called). Her hair is dark, springing about in the wind, and Dani swims closer. The girl doesn’t react, even when Dani is as far as she can go in the water. Cautiously, she wiggles up on onto the beach, tail still firmly in the surf.

“Hi.” She says with a smile. The girl doesn’t open her eyes. 

Dani tries again, thinking she didn’t hear her, “Hi.”

The girl furrows her brow and purses her lips. A little annoyed at her rudeness, Dani splashes her with her tail.

“HEY!” The girl wipes water from her eyes, glaring. Then she notices the tail. “WOW, are you are you mermaid?”

“Yes.” Dani nods proudly. 

“Woooow” the girl crawls forward to get a better look at her tail. 

“How come you were just sitting here?”

“I’m meditating. My teacher says it’s good for me to practice focusing and letting the things I think come into my head and then go.”

“Why?”

“I have problems paying attention to things sometimes.”

“Ohhh” Dani nods, trying to show she understands this could be a problem but isn’t sure why. When the other girl doesn’t say more, she adds, “do you want to see a hermit crab?

“Yeah!”

Dani shows her hermit crabs and small fish until a voice calls, “Aubrey, time for dinner firebug!”

“Oops, that’s my mom. Gotta go, see you later!” 

As she runs up the beach, Dani calls, “Bye Aubrey!” before slipping back into the waves.

---------------------------------------

To Dani’s excitement, Aubrey’s family has just bought a house up on a hill by the beach, near the cove where Dani likes to swim. Which means the other girl comes down to see her almost every day. They tell stories about their families, Aubrey explaining what human school is like and Dani telling her what school is like under the sea. 

Dani weaves her necklaces out of kelp and Aubrey brings her crowns made of small flowers she calls dandelions. Dani keeps them in a small stone box until all the petals float away. 

The only thing Aubrey won’t do is swim with her, saying her mom and dad have forbidden her from going into the water without an adult. No matter how much Dani demonstrates her strength as a swimmer, or offers to bring her older brother to watch them, Aubrey stays on shore.

Today, a year and a half since they first met, Aubrey is sitting glumly beside the sea when Dani surfaces on the beach.

“What’s wrong?”

“Today’s Valentines Day. Um, a day when you celebrate love. My mom says it’s just a day to sell cards and candy. But, well, it’s also a day when you tell people you like them. In fifth grade, you just gave everyone in class a valentine. A card where you, like, tell them you like them or just say hi.” she draws a heart shape in the sand, “But this year you just give them to people you like-like. I gave them to John and Lilly. I didn’t get any though.” She draws a frowny face into the surf, then drags a piece of driftwood through it, muttering, “Emily Ross got stuff from four different people.”

Dani is both upset on her friend’s behalf and completely baffled. How could there be anyone at the school more deserving of gifts and attention than Aubrey? Aubrey is funny and lively and is learning how to do magic tricks, and her nose crinkles in a really cute way when she laughs, and she’s just the best person Dani can imagine.

“Wait here.” Dani splashes back into the waves, swimming to one of the spots she knows holds oysters. 

A few minutes later she reappears, triumphant.

“Here. Oh wait.” She drags her finger through the sand to make a heart, then places her gift in it.

“Holy cow is that a pearl?” 

“Uh huh. I asked the oysters politely if any of them had one.”

“But that’s, like, a really fancy thing! It’s a gem.”

Dani shakes water from her blonde hair, “So? You deserve it.”

Aubrey gives her a funny look, then scoots forward. Her lips are chilly when they press against Dani’s cheek, but her chest heats up all the same.

“There,” Aubrey says softly, “now it’s really a valentine gift, cause I kissed you  for giving it.”

“Okay.” Dani blushes at the silly response, but before she can say anything else a familiar voice calls and Aubrey heads up the hill towards home.

-------------------------------------------

“Gah, it’s so pretty!” Dani spins, admiring her new golden stripes in her tail. She’s gotten it during her sixteenth summer, just as her brother did. Said brother is watching her proudly. 

“Gonna swim up and show your girlfriend.”

“Shut up, Barclay.” She thwacks his arm with her tail, “she’s not my girlfriend.”

“Uh huh, sure, you only see her everyday and bring her presents and talk about her constantly.”

“Do I need to bring up your writer friend? And the hickey you gave him?”

“I told you, an octopus did that!”

“No, it didn’t.”

“...Yeah, it didn’t.” He grabs her hand, spinning her as she laughs, “just be careful, okay sis? Loving humans is a tricky thing, and I’d hate to see you heartbroken.”

His warning echoes in her mind as she grabs the green swimsuit top she uses for surface visits (merfolk don’t wear clothes, but about three years ago she’d surfaced and Aubrey had turned pink, eyes firmly shut as she stuttered that maybe Dani might want to maybe possibly wear something on her chest. She found a bikini top that had floated free of it’s owner a few days later).

When she surfaces, Aubrey is nowhere in sight. Instead, in the waterproof notebook they keep stashed in a rock crevice, she's written, “busy tonight, will be here tomorrow for sure.”

Oh, right, she said tonight is something called prom, and that an older student had asked her to go. Of course, she should choose to court her own kind, just as Dani could choose the same. She just doesn’t want to.

She puts on a brave face during dinner, brushes off Barclay’s worried questions at moonrise. A late night swim should ease her mind. 

Or cause her to bump her head on a familiar paddle board. One a certain human bought so she and Dani could chat out in open water.

“Aubrey?”

“Mmm? Oh, hey.” Aubrey opens her eyes and uncrosses her legs, “thought you might still be up.”

“Were you...meditating? You haven’t done that in years.”

“I still do it sometimes. Like, if I’m trying to focus or calm myself down for something big.” 

“Is prom something big?”

Aubrey snorts a little laugh, “no. In fact, I told my date I wasn’t going to go.”

“Why?” Dani rests her arms on the edge of the board.

“I think he’s actually super into me. But, like, I’m not really that into him and I don’t wanna get his hopes up. Not when I like someone else.”

Dani’s tail twitches nervously, “Someone else?”

Aubrey cups her face, leans forward hurriedly and kisses her so hard she gasps, throwing her arms around Aubrey’s neck. Emboldened, Aubrey deepens the kiss, tangling her fingers into her hair. 

Then, with a shriek and splash, she leans too far and falls off the board, only to surface in Dani’s embrace.

“Really?” Dani whispers, still not sure it’s all real.

‘“Uh huh. I’m so, like, into you, Dani. I have been for awhile I was just...look there’s not a guidebook for how to confess your deepest feelings to a mermaid okay?”

“I forgive you.” Dani kisses her nose, teases the back of her legs with her tail, “You know, it’s a wonderful night for a swim. Care to stay awhile, cutie?”

Aubrey kisses her slow and happy, wrapping her legs around her waist, “That sounds perfect. Honey.”

[mysteryvoidscientist]

MLQC Incorrect Quotes 7

Characters Spoilers Ahead

Lucien: Hey can you hold this for me?

MC:

Lucien:

MC: This is your hand.

Lucien: I know. *smiles*

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Anna: I need to talk to Willow, have you seen her?

Kiki: She’s outside fighting with water.

Anna: Is she in the pool?

Kiki: Yep.

Anna: Once again, it’s called swimming.

Kiki: She's fighting with water. Literally.

Willow: *punching and slapping water*

Anna: ...

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Kiro: I have an incredible idea. I'm going to combine lunch with breakfast. I shall call it...

Kiro: Leckfast. *grins*

MC: Lick Fast *finger guns*

Kiro: Genius!

Savin: *slaps his forehead*

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Lucien: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired. I'll be fine.

MC: But I'll be so lonely without you there...

Lucien: But...

MC: Come curl up in my arms.

Lucien: Oh well...wait are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns?

MC: Is it working?

Lucien: Always.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

MC: You have no idea what I’m capable of.

Helios: Don't take this personally, but I feel like I'm being threatened by a cupcake.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Victor: I'm a moderate and peaceful man, truth be told.

MC: Just yesterday, you threw a chair at Goldman.

Victor: Yes, which was a moderate and peaceful compromise from the table I initially planned to launch at that idiot.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

MC: Where is Lucien? How can I find him?

Willow: Well, you could become a terrible event and happen to him.

*later in Lucien's home*

MC: That's what she said!

Lucien: *irresistible chuckles* You happened to me indeed, but as a great event instead.

MC: *distressed noises*

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Gavin: Are you just going to walk around all day without a shirt on?

Minor: Just giving you a show.

Gavin: Can I change the channel?

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Gavin: So, what's your superpower?

MC: Hindsight.

Gavin: That's not going to be of any help to us.

MC: Yeah I see that now.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

MC: My favorite moments are when you have a chance to do something right.

Willow: I love those moments.

Willow: Especially when I get to wave at them as they pass by.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Lucien: An octopus can change its color to mimic its surrounding. When octopi do this it's called—

Kiro: An octo-lie.

Gavin: Mocktopus.

Lucien: ... Metachrosis.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Victor: Listen, don’t take it personally, okay? I don’t like most people. You’re in the vast majority.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

MC: How’s the meeting going?

Victor: I want to stab everyone.

MC: Ah, ah ,ah. Don’t get blood on your suit, we have dinner reservations at 7.

Victor: ...dummy.

MC: I love you too.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

MC: What are you doing?

Kiro, standing on the table: I’m practically the backbone of this damn revolution. I stand where I want, when I want.

Savin:

Savin: Just tell me where the spider is.

MC: A spider!? *goes next to Kiro*

Kiro: It’s under the couch please kill it please-

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

MC: I’m getting a brain scan today...

Victor: To check if you have one?

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

MC: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.

Kiro: THE COW?!

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Shaw: The best part about going to hell is meeting other people who also enjoy doing sins.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Kiro: [playing out of tune guitar]

Victor: Do you take requests?

Kiro: Sure.

Victor: Please stop.

Enjoy~~

[hercycleface]

Global inventory of wonderful beer: What I drink is not wine, but creativity!

Isn't beer just yeast, barley, water and hops? Well, it's also right and wrong-for some beer, this statement is simply wrong. The brains of the beer brewer are too big, and sometimes the brewed beer-how to put it-is quite "interesting". The following wonderful beers are the best examples.

Collagen beer Speaking of weirdness, the Japanese definitely do their part. Suntory launched a collagen beer called Precious, which is said to remove wrinkles left by the years and make you look young and invincible. This 5-degree Talrag comes in 330ml cans and contains 2 grams of collagen per can.

Cat Shit Beer You must have heard of the famous cat feces coffee: a civet living in the tropics eats coffee cherries and is discharged from the other side of the body. The action of stomach acid can make coffee beans produce a different flavor. Beer Geek Brunch Weasel from Megele is a breakfast Shitao with an alcohol level of 10.9-be careful, the wine is full of strength.

Bloody (Mary) Beer Well, strictly speaking, it is not based on Bloody Mary, a good brunch partner. However, Short's Brewing Company of Bel Air, Michigan does use cherry tomatoes in its Bloody Beer, as well as black pepper and celery. Rapeseed, wasabi, and dill, so it’s similar to Bloody Mary. This "Cool Beer from Bel Air" has long been discontinued, with an alcohol content of 7, and an international bitterness index of 40.

Fossil beer The Lost Rhino Brewery in Virginia and PaleoQuest, a non-profit organization that promotes the excavation of dinosaur fossils rather than food trends, have teamed up to create a beer that will attract attention to science. They collected yeast from whale fossils 35 million years ago and made a 5.5-degree beer named Bone Dusters Amber Ale. Cool! It's a pity that the yeast is not collected from the fossils of the long extinct rhino or Tyrannosaurus.

Sheep dung beer After reading this list, you will find that Icelandic brewers really have a lot of free time and a whimsical spirit of adventure. The Borg Brugghus brewery is a good example: due to lack of wood, they lighted the sheep dung pile to smoke and roast the malt when making Fenrir Nr26. American IPA smoked and roasted with sheep dung, alcohol content 6, and international bitterness index 63.

Beer older than whale fossils Fossil Fuels Brewing Co has a product called AY108, which uses yeast found in bee fossils. This bee was wrapped in pine resin and turned into amber in the Eocene Eocene 45 million years ago (is it so shocking that it can’t close its mouth?). Professor Raul Cano figured out how to separate the yeast from above, and then wondered how to make the best use of it. Finally, he chose to brew beer instead of bread. The first result is this Dan Aier named after yeast, and there is also a Saisen.

Beer made with money The evil twins collaborated with the Norwegian craft brewer Lervig Aktiebryggeri in the port of Stavanger. The raw material is real banknotes. What's even more exaggerated is that they threw some frozen pizza into it. The alcohol content is 17.5 degrees.

Heavy beer from the toilet The Danish government and Norrebro Bryghus brewery are really fighting for environmental protection, and they even have the idea of ​​urinating. They recovered a large amount of urine from the famous Roskilde Music Festival and used it to brew a Pearson called Pisner. Do you want to contribute to the cause of sustainable development? Then taste the piss of these hippies.

Colorful beer Abashiri Brewery in Hokkaido, Japan uses seaweed and other natural ingredients to brew red, blue and green beer. They also used beer and excess milk to produce a malt drink called Bilk. Apart from other things, at least it is colorful.

Beer made from sewage The sewage in the sewer sounds as disgusting as dirty waste oil. I'm afraid no one can drink anything made of it. The Jushi Brewery in San Diego brewed an IPA using recycled water provided by the city's water purification project. This Dan Air, called Full Circle, is limited to five barrels, but it may indicate the future of beer brewing.

Roald Dahl Beer Yeast is ubiquitous and can be collected everywhere, so why not collect some yeast from the custom desk of the late children's literature writer Roald Dahl? London creative company Bompas & Parr entrusted this task to 40FT Brewery to brew Odious Ale for a pop-up restaurant based on Dahl's "Stupid Couple".

Beer from the moon Dogfish Head Brewery is keen to challenge the limit, but often thinks too crazy and circumvents itself in, but the time when they ventured into space may be their most rebellious exploration so far. With the help of the company that makes spacesuits for NASA, they got some dust on the moon, which was taken from NASA where the moon landed on the moon—well, no more obscurations, it’s on the moon— —Collected, and then spilled into this limited edition beer called Oktoberfest. Alcohol 5, International Bitterness Index 25.

Elephant Poop Beer The Japanese brewery Sankt Gallen wanted to brew a beer that will be unforgettable, so he thought of elephant poo. How does it work? They fed coffee cherries to elephants living in Thailand’s wildlife sanctuary, and then brewed a "chocolate shitao" called Un, Koon Kuro (a pun for "poop" in Japanese) from elephant dung coffee beans. It was also selected for sale on April Fool's Day, but this is not a joke.

Beer as dark as ink Cuttlefish juice—or more precisely the juice of cuttlefish, squid and octopus, or the juice of cephalopods—can be said to be everywhere now, so you can’t help thinking that these animals are scared when they face the extinction of humans. What is it like? Anyway, the master brewer of 3 Sheeps in Wisconsin created a black IPA called Nimble Lips Noble Tongue No3, using cuttlefish juice.

Too private beer We are all adults, but the Internet will always surprise us head-on, especially when you see a page on the crowdfunding website Indiegogo for the world’s first vaginal beer fundraising-this one is called Bottled Instinct's acid ale uses lactic acid extracted from a Czech model. We don't know if anyone will drink it, because this project has not even raised 1% of the final goal of 150,000 euros, and it should be a joke on April Fools' Day at all? Otherwise, it really makes people get goosebumps.

16. Add a whole chicken to beer

Over the years, the rooster Al almost cast a layer of mystery. It is said that it was very popular in England in the 17th and 18th centuries. In fact, it is an ordinary Al, but a whole rooster was added during the brewing process. Hand Pulled Cock Ale from Willimantic Brewing Co in Connecticut-7% alcohol, only available in barrels-is a modern version of Cock Ale, but its name still implies that old joke (you got it).

Fried chicken beer As the song in "Grease" sings, fried chicken and beer are good partners, so why not add some chicken to the beer? Veil Brewing Co of Richmond, Virginia, and the evil twins teamed up to brew chicken beer. Their Fried Fried Chicken Chicken DIPA uses a lot of Fried Chicken Nuggets.

Sheep brain beer Philadelphia's Dock Street Brewing Company brewed Dock Street Walker to pay tribute to "The Walking Dead," but it was more terrifying than zombies, using smoked lamb brains. This American Pale Shitao is 7.2 degrees, and cranberries are added to create a touch of acidity.

Whale testicle beer Icelandic microbrewer Steoji has launched Hvalur 2, which is an upgraded version of Hvalur 1, which was produced in cooperation with the whaling company Hvalur and caused a huge controversy due to the addition of full whale meat (fish meat and fish bones). As the second seasonal crossover, it uses whale testicles smoked and roasted with sheep dung—well, one is added to each winemaking cycle.

Masculine beer The Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout of Wynkoop Brewing in Denver was originally just an April Fools' Day joke, but I didn't expect it to become a reality because of the public's enthusiastic response. With an alcohol content of 7.5, three cow testicles are added to each barrel-this "gourmet" is nicknamed Rocky Mountain Oysters locally. A set of two cans is quite appropriate.

Bull Heart Beer Portland's Upright Brewing and Burnside Brewing collaborated to produce this Captain Beefheart. The ingredients include 27 kilograms of charcoal grilled beef heart and a lot of spices. Similar products include the Burke In The Bottle, a collaboration between Jim Koch of Boston Beer Company and chef David Burke.

Sunday barbecue beer Conwy Brewery in Wales caters to the close relationship between locals and sheep and brews a lamb beer. Sunday Toast is a Victorian-style Porter beer with the juice from slow roasting of Welsh lamb. Perhaps lamb-ic is more appropriate.

Truffle beer Truffles are very expensive. Using them to brew beer seems a bit risky, but some people have succeeded. Chicago Moody Tongue's black truffle crumbs Pearson is highly sought after in some of the top high-end restaurants in the United States, while Miki Le has chosen to use black truffles to brew a dark beer called The Forager.

Stag semen beer Green Man Pub in Wellington, New Zealand, and local brewer Choice Bros brewed a beer with stag semen, which caused a huge sensation for a while. We will not continue to discuss the name Lu Jing Shitao to obtain such a subtle beer, let's stop here.

Mushroom beer In the past few years, the brewery seems to have used all the mushrooms imaginable. Jester King of Austin, Texas used locally grown oyster mushrooms in this Snorkel. 4.5 Alcohol, Goss style.

Oysters (really real this time) beer The encounter between Oyster and Shi Tao gave birth to many interesting stories. We used to drink Shitao while sucking oysters beautifully. Now we use oyster shells to clarify the beer, or put them in a boiling pot, or even throw whole oysters into it. Flying Dog Pearl Necklace Oyster Shitao did just that.

Natural green beer Free Tail Brewing Co of San Antonio, Texas adds blue-green algae to a 4.2-degree rye white beer to give it a charming blue-green color. If the advertisements of Mandalay Brewing in Myanmar and Red Dot Brewery in Singapore are accurate, Spirulina beer has another magical effect-anti-aging.

Seaweed beer Bladderwrack is a good name for beer, but it is actually a kind of seaweed. Williams Bros Brew in Alloa, Scotland added it to its own Kelpie Seaweed Ale. This Scottish Groot-an ancient beer style-is intended to recreate the traditional style of beer from the coastal regions of Scotland.

Real gold beer We have all drunk golden Al, but have you ever drunk gold? Golden Queen Bee brewed by Golden Bee Beer contains edible 24K gold leaf. There is no need to throw gold like this, but if you can get another bottle of The Lost Abbey's Gift Of The Magi-a golden Al with frankincense and myrrh, then you must be full of every cell in your body The joy of Christmas.

Pizza beer Mamma Mia Pizza Beer is produced by the Chicago Pizza Beer Company. The ingredients include Margarita Pizza soaked in malt. We don’t know if the crust is Chicago-style.

Donut beer Voodoo Donuts Maple Syrup Bacon Al is the first beer launched by Voodoo Donut Bakery in collaboration with Rogue Brewery, also in Oregon. The series includes six products so far. They want to use these beers to reproduce the best-selling single-product flavors of this bakery in Portland. The latest flavors currently launched are Guerrilla Grape and Mango Spaceman.

Pig head beer Mangalica Pig Porter uses the head and bones of Mangalica Pig. This breed of pig is quite precious and is known as Kobe beef in pork. Right Brain Brewery in Traverse City, Missouri uses whole pig heads when brewing this beer, and even the eyeballs are still in the eye sockets. The winery also brews a series of more delicious pork pie beers, with raw materials including whole pork pie from a local bakery.

Expired bread beer The raw material of toast air is leftover bread that cannot be eaten, and it aims to eliminate food waste. All the profits from this beer brewed with excess bread are donated to charitable organizations, and even a factory is set up in the Bronx, New York. The recipe is public, so you can try it yourself with the leftover bread you eat.

Just put your crying beer There is a resonance between Chili Control and Beer Mania, which is why countless beers have combined these two things in one in pursuit of a mixed effect. The grimace killer at the Twisted Pine Brewery in Colorado—named after the Wudang rapist of the same name—uses six different varieties of peppers. Among them, the hottest pepper is the Devil Pepper (also known as Broken Soul Pepper). Scoville's index exceeds 1 million-the pepper is only about 2000. You can imagine how spicy it is.

Bearded beer Rogge Beard Beer can be regarded as one of the most weird beers in the world. Brewmaster John Maier extracts yeast from his beard and brews an American wild ale. Maier once vowed that he would never shave his beard, so the raw material of this beer can really be said to be

[aliceinwrestleland]

Victoria Starling

Name: Victoria Starling

Nickname(s): The Starling Stretcher, Miss SplitYoLegs

Sex: Female

Age:  18

Eyes: Purple

Hair: Pink (Originally White)

Height: 5’4

Weight: 120 lbs

Nationality: American, Japanese

Entrance Music: Avril Lavigne- Girlfriend

Personality: A bitchy, bratty, haughty cheerleader. She parties a lot, she loves being popular, and she loves to impress her jock boyfriend on the football team. She flaunts herself. She'll make fun of their lack of clout, their weight, how her boobs are bigger, how her life is better and they know it.

Past: She's a mean, spoiled, bratty girl who got it from her mom, Jacqueline who's a very powerful woman who she always admired. Jacqueline was already a successful model that appeared in magazines, calendars, and commercials. Her  a socialite that always got invited to all of the VIP parties, the lavish galas, and red carpet events thanks to her good looks. She eventually became scouted by a recruiter to join pro wrestling and she eventually became successful at submissions. She was known for her “Banana Splits” finisher where she made many tap out by forcing them to do the splits.

Her dad, Stanley Starling was a successful actor that was a part of a legacy of many famous “Starlings” before him. It wasn’t until he was involved in a scandal where his ex-girlfriend accused him of making out with him to get a movie role. He was proven innocent, but the damage was done and his career ended. Jacqueline divorced him and she ended up keeping Victoria, while Stanley kept Sammy, the other offspring.

Victoria got the need for attention from those two contrasting lifestyles. She also developed her bitchy, haughty attitude that she would eventually be known for. Just like her Mom, she wanted a man in power in her life. Enter Brock, the star football jock.

Brock had a good life. Star player. Had a sweetheart by his side named Emma. Everyone loved him. Victoria wanted him. She successfully flirted with him and caused an incident at school where people discovered that Brock cheated on Emma.

School found out that the good guy jock cheated. It nearly soured his reputation. He was still a star on campus for his athletic ability, so he didn’t get damaged as much. When Emma went to confront Brock in the locker room, Victoria snuck up and locked her in an Octopus Stretch hold. 

Since he was vilified for cheating on the "good sweetheart", he tried to fix his reputation. But seeing all the people that used to cheer him on give him hate, he grew tired. Instead of feeling remorse or bad, he embraced the "bad boy jock" persona.

He knew no matter what he did, he'll always have the stigma of the "star player who cheated on the school's sweetheart" Eventually, Brock received a football scholarship to a university, which caused both of them to be in a long distance relationship.

Victoria enjoyed wrestling down Emma and that inspired her to chase wrestling like her mother did. She saw a flyer for “AFW”, called her mother for a favor to get her foot in the door and the rest was history. 

Fun Facts:

She and her brother were separated when their parents split. 

The only two people she locked the Seven Minutes in Heaven are her boyfriend’s ex, Emma and her own brother. 

She visited her brother in school once where her brother teased her for looking like a cheerleading bimbo in her outfit (designer skirt, heels, crop top) and that “Mommy” paid for it, while he worked hard carrying dad’s legacy. She ended up putting him in the Seven Minutes in Heaven hold in front of everyone.

She’s 1-0 against her brother in wrestling. He lost in humiliating fashion to the Naked Desire.

She has her mother’s attitude, but her Dad’s wrestling ability.

When not wrestling in her cheerleading outfit, she loves wrestling in swimsuits, designer shorts, heels, etc.

She loves submissions! She idolizes Zack Sabre Jr., AJ Lee, and of course her father.

Her brother introduced her to the Rumble Roses company and she fell in love with all of the moves.

Fighting Style: Victoria Loves submissions! She knows a lot of intricate holds that either forces them into a leg split or ties them up like a pretzel. She utilizes her cheerleading knowledge along with her Mom’s wrestling. She combines them to give her moves some uniqueness from cheerleading and the haughty submission styles of her mother.

Move List (NAMES TO BE FINALIZED):

Signature Moves:

Virgin Killer (Male)/Panty Shot (Female)

Twisted Bliss (Left)/Half-Time Show (Right)

Finishing Moves:

Naked Desire (Male)/Cover Spread (Female)

Forced Relaxation (Female)/Sweet Nightmare (Male)

Ultimate Moves:

Sticky Situation (Male)/Spankies Splitsville (Female):

Seven Minutes in Heaven (Male)/Daddy’s Twisted Daughter (Female)

---

SIGNATURE MOVE(S):

"Who's the slut now, spread eagle?"

“Awww, look, the shy little guy is trying to act all tough now that I’ve put you on display!” when done on a male

 “Oh my, your so damp! You sluuuut! You’re loving this! Me too!” giggle when done on a female

“It took two generations to perfect this move and that pathetic moan is the best you can come up with? Geeze, show some respect and scream my name!” when done to her Brother, who shares the same finisher.

Virgin Killer (Male)/Panty Shot (Female): AKA The Banana Split, Her father’s famous move. She grapevines her opponents leg with her legs while pulling the other one apart with her arms in a forced splits. Instead of keeping the Banana Splits name, she renamed it to the Virgin Killer to humiliate males with and the Panty Shot to humiliate females with. 

Virgin Killer variant involves more verbal abuse and a wider stretch.

Panty Shot variant involves more humiliation.

Fun Fact: Her father, Sam Starling popularized the move.

---

“Seems this well be my new seat for a while”

Twisted Bliss (Left)/Nutcracker Suite (Right): She drags her opponent to the corner then traps her their legs on both sides of the ropes. She strikes their groin while climbing up on their trapped legs to lock them in a headscissors. She was inspired by Goldust on TV who’d have a similar set up with the Shattered Dreams. She loved that the opponent’s groin was exposed and that they were trapped in the ropes in a leg spread, leaving them to their opponent’s mercy.

Variant depends on her mood. It’s called the Twisted Bliss because their opponents are twisted in a vulnerable position while they receive a blissful surprise from Victoria. The Nutcracker Suite was named because their opponents legs are trapped in a forced leg spread with the ropes to keep them from escaping. Victoria gives them a front headscissors with their knees ready to kick them in their exposed crotch.

Twisted Bliss has Victoria seated forward towards the ring. She has free reign to step on their crotch or increase the split.

Nutcracker Suite has Victoria facing away from the ring. She flaunts her ass more.

Fun Fact: This move is illegal in most situations, but she saves this move either after a match, when the ref’s not looking, during a no-disqualification, or she pays off the referee.

---

FINISHING MOVE(S):

"Squirming much hm BITCH?, because this is the same move I used on him....going down on him that is~" when done to a female.

"Can't even control yourself under me can you? Yet another weak man, what a disappointment!" when done to a male.

Naked Desire (Male)/Cover Spread (Female): Victoria’s main finisher and her bread and butter. She lays on top of her opponent, hooks her legs onto theirs, then spreads her own legs, stretching her opponent to a painful split.

Naked Desire variant has her thrusting or grinding her hips while slowly unleashing the leg spread.

Cover Spread variant has her immediately going for the spread, laying in a more dominant, sexy position for the cameras. Effectively using her opponent as a towel mat.

Fun Fact: She discovered this move by accident. Before her wrestling days, a pervert tried to grab her in a night club. She laced her legs with his, fell backwards. When she found out she had his legs under control, she stretched him out in front of everyone until the cops came.

---

"Say na-night sugar, at least you'll pass out in some real tits mm?~" when done to a male

"Boobs across the faaaace, least I HAVE tits you flat hoe~" when done to a female

“It’s not about the size, you cow! It’s about how you use them and I’m using mine all over your ugly face!” When done to a bustier girl. 

“Mmm, I thought you of all people would have done a better job of keeping out of this hold... have you gotten weaker or have I gotten stronger? Or maybe...” giggle” When done to her brother.

Forced Relaxation (Female)/Sweet Nightmare (Male): She lays on top of her opponent smothering them with their breasts, then hooking her legs to theirs to spread their legs in a split.

The Forced Relaxation variant used on females, she concentrates more on the split like a Yoga session. Sometimes adding in a headlock. 

The Sweet Nightmare variant focuses on the sensual position. But she definitely gives them a good smother with their breast and slowly spreads their legs into a split until they’re in pain, spreading those legs into a V for Victoria! After all, a woman’s place is on top.

Fun Fact: This is Victoria’s favorite move. It’s dominating. She actually learned it in bed with her boyfriend. *wink*

---

ULTIMATE MOVE(S):

“Say bye bye to your hips!”

“Even with your legs spread wide like this, you know they’re still looking at me.” "Lets show you off to the crowd, they don't deserve a look at me so lets give them a second class view."

Sticky Situation (Male)/Spankies Splitsville (Female): Inspired by the “V Stretch” warmup cheerleaders do to stretch their legs, Victoria thought it’d be an amazing thing to convert to a wrestling move. Stepping forward over her downed opponent, spreading their legs and hooking her feet under their knees.  She bends forward, pulling her opponent up to a seated position, taking a moment to indulge the crowd.  From there, Victoria loops her arms under those of her plaything for a reverse full nelson, rolling to the side with her feet still hooked under the opponent's legs to roll her upside-down, secured and with her legs spread. Trapped in a sticky situation, they have no choice but to tap or face pain and humiliation! Sticky Situation variant has Victoria stripping her male opponent into their underwear before doing the move. Spankies Splitsville variant has Victoria stripping her female opponent into their panties and gives them a wedgie. 

Fun Fact: Although she hates to admit it, the Spankies Splitsville is a pervert’s paradise to take photos. She enjoys the attention though and the humiliation she gives to her opponents.

---

“I know it hurts, baby, but just think of all the time nestled up against my perfect body. Are you so weak that you’re going to let a little pain stop the best thing you’ve ever had?” giggle

Y’all got seven minutes of consciousness left...which means I got six more minutes to play~

I ain’t a crazy bitch sister! I’m Daddy’s Twisted Daughter!

Seven Minutes in Heaven (Male)/Daddy’s Twisted Daughter (Female): Victoria’s ultimate move! She locks her opponent in a standing Octopus Stretch. After a bit, she falls backwards while keeping the hold. She then grabs her opponents legs to force them into a split. She combines her cheerleading moves but also puts them in a nice leg spread in honor of her mother. 

The names are aren’t something Daddy would be proud of, but she enjoys it. Seven Minutes in Heaven is for the guys that think have a chance with her. Sometimes a punch in the crotch is included. Daddy’s Twisted Daughter is for the girls who call her a crazy bitch and named after the insult her father said about her. She increases the leg stretch 2x more than usual, while also increasing her brattiness up. She sometimes forces her opponents to stare at her heels.

Fun Fact: This move combines the Standing Octopus Stretch from her cheerleading days and the Banana Split from her mother’s wrestling career.

[funface2]

Cheers: 10 Quotes From Cliff That Are Still Hilarious Today – Screen Rant

Cheers may have been off the air for twenty-six years now, but it’s just as relevant today as it was in the 80s and early ‘90s, and no one is more hilariously relatable than Clifford C. Clavin, Jr., or Cliff, everyone’s favorite postal worker and obnoxious know-it-all barfly.

The funny thing is, Cliff wasn’t even in the original pilot for Cheers, but actor John Ratzenberger’s audition was so good that the producers on the show actually worked with him to create the character of Cliff. Thank goodness they did, too, because, otherwise, there wouldn’t be these ten hilarious quotes from Cliff that are still just as hilarious today as they were the day they were written.

RELATED: Cheers: 10 Quotes From Norm That Are Still Hilarious Today

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10 “How would the Civil War have changed if Abraham Lincoln had octopus tentacles instead of a beard?”

Number ten on this list is a question I never thought to ask ourselves: “how would the Civil War have changed if Abraham Lincoln had octopus tentacles instead of a beard?” Luckily, Cliff thought to ask the real questions, so we didn’t have to. As a historian by trade, I have to ask, how would the Civil War have changed if Abraham Lincoln had octopus tentacles instead of a beard? Would people have taken him more seriously, or less? Would they have been terrified? Would Pirates of the Caribbean be different now? So many questions, so few answers.

9 “Norm, you’ve got time to make your own coal.”

Cliff is, perhaps, best known for his hilarious zingers when his friends unwittingly set themselves up. This time, Norm’s the one accidentally asking for it when he says, “I wish I had time for a hobby,” prompting Cliff to reply, “Norm, you’ve got time to make your own coal.” According to the vast wealth of knowledge that is the Internet, we all know that it takes about 300 million years to make your own coal. Cliff is right to roast his friend, too; Norm obviously has way too much time on his hands based on how much time he spends in the bar.

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8 “Interesting little article here. It says that, uh… the average human being only uses 17% of his brain. Boy, you realize what that means? We don’t use a full, uh… 64%.”

I’ll admit, I’m just as bad at math as Cliff would probably be quick to point out I am, but even I heard this and knew that couldn’t be correct. Though I am bad enough at math that a calculator was put into use for these purposes. Sure enough, if the average human being only uses 17% of his brain, that means there’s a full 83% of his brain unused. Cliff is missing an entire 19% of his brain, which makes sense since he can’t do basic subtraction correctly, even when given the time to actually do the math out in his head. Nice try, buddy. You’re not fooling anyone.

7 “I wonder if you know that the harp is a predecessor of the modern-day guitar. Early minstrels were much larger people. In fact, they had hands the size of small dogs.”

Cliff wonders things throughout the day that anyone would wonder. After all, human beings are naturally curious, and it stands to reason that someone who spends as much time alone every day as a postal worker does would start to come up with some pretty interesting concepts.

Cliff fires off this fun fact—a musing, if you will—about harps and guitars, only going on to start talking about minstrels, as if anyone knows what he’s talking about. He just starts to spiral by the time he’s talking about their hands. Cliff really would have benefited from using Snopes, or even just from having the advantages of Google. As it is, he seems functionally illiterate.

RELATED: Cheers: The Best Episode In Every Season, Ranked

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6 “It doesn’t seem fair, does it, Norm? That I should have so much knowledge when there are people in the world that have to go to bed stupid every night?”

Cliff is worried about his buddies, that much is clear from this hilarious quote from him where he asks his buddy, “it doesn’t seem fair, does it, Norm? That I should have so much knowledge when there are people in the world that have to go to bed stupid every night?” He’s right, it isn’t fair.

There are so, so many stupid people in the world that go to bed every night without using the full 100% of their brain, just like Cliff says he does—or might, if he had been able to do that math early. Regardless, Cliff is aware that life just ain’t fair—for him more than most, it seems.

5 “That’s when you say one thing when you’re actually thinking about a mother.”

Woody with the wind-up: “What’s a Freudian Slip?,” and Cliff with the pitch: “That’s when you say one thing when you’re actually thinking about a mother.” Cliff must have been either so mortified or so proud when he said that. Knowing him, he would probably insist for years and years to come that he meant to say “a mother” rather than “another,” that he was giving an example, c’mon, guys.

Either way, is it too much to hope that Cliff doesn’t have an Oedipus complex? Was that ever something the other guys at Cheers were concerned about? Because, apparently, they should’ve been.

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4 “It’s a little known fact that cows were domesticated in Mesopotamia and were also used in China as guard animals for the forbidden city.”

Ah, Cliff and his “little known facts.” If he had a nickel for every time he told someone a “little known fact,” the man would have enough money to buy Cheers from Sam.

This time, he even starts out strong, with a fact I couldn’t disprove (mostly because I don’t know enough about the topic to speak intelligently about it): cows were domesticated in Mesopotamia. Sure, why not? Sounds good. Then, we get to the punchline: cows were also used in China as guard animals for the forbidden city. I’m picturing the cow in The Emperor’s New Groove in a helmet with a sword. Hopefully, the forbidden city wasn’t dangerous?

RELATED: 5 Reasons Why Frasier Is Better (& 5 Why Cheers Is Superior)

3 “It’s a little-known fact that the tan became popular in what is known as the Bronze Age.”

Speaking of Cliff’s “little known facts,” one of his best ones is also one of his shortest facts to date: “It’s a little-known fact that the tan became popular in what is known as the Bronze Age.” Any historian worth her salt can tell you that the Bronze Age is so-named because it was a period characterized by humanity’s usage of bronze.

Though people were working outside quite a bit and probably were rather tan, Cliff seems to be the only one who thinks that bronze is referring to the skin of the people alive during the time period. Also, the Bronze Age is characterized by cultures beginning to develop the first systems of writing, one of which was the cuneiform script of Mesopotamia, which begs the question: why does Cliff know so many random almost-facts about Mesopotamia?

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2 “There’s no rule against postal workers not dating women. It just works out that way.”

Oof. You hate to see it. Sometimes, people say things so blissfully ignorant you can’t help but laugh at them. To quote Diane, “if ignorance is bliss, this is Eden.” Poor Cliff doesn’t even realize that there doesn’t need to be a rule against postal workers not dating women because women don’t seem to ever want to date them—or, at least, they don’t want to date Cliff.

Interesting that Cliff specifies women, though; do the postal workers only employ gay men? Are there female postal workers? Do they have to be straight women? Once again, one of Cliff’s hilarious quotes only asks more questions than it answers. The question at the top of the list, though, remains the same: is Cliff okay?

1 “You wanna see dark sides, you oughta see Ma when you leave the shower curtain outside the tub.”

The question at the top of the list now has an answer: no! No, Cliff is not okay; clearly, that Oedipus complex we were worried about earlier has come back around to haunt us. Cliff doesn’t want to talk about his own dark side, nor does he want to try a reference to Star Wars; instead, Cliff decides to return to the subject of his mother, and how controlling and feral she seems to be. The same woman who gave her son the Freudian slip also, apparently, lashes out when water drips onto her bathroom floor.

Makes sense, though, that the number one quote from Cliff would be something both hilarious and chillingly haunting. For so many of us, Cliff Clavin is simply timeless.

NEXT: The Big Bant Theory: 10 Hilarious Amy Memes That Will Make You Say “Bazinga!”

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Bài viết Cheers: 10 Quotes From Cliff That Are Still Hilarious Today – Screen Rant đã xuất hiện đầu tiên vào ngày Funface.

from Funface https://funface.net/funny-quotes/cheers-10-quotes-from-cliff-that-are-still-hilarious-today-screen-rant/

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2018’s Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Year!!

New Post has been published on https://parentinguideto.com/trending/2018s-funniest-parenting-tweets-of-the-year/

2018’s Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Year!!

All year long we’ve been rounding up our favorite tweets of the week from some of the funniest moms and dads on Twitter! As 2018 comes to an end, we hope you will enjoy our choices for the funniest parenting tweets of the year!! Thanks for reading and have an amazing 2019!!!

For more Twitter fun, don’t forget to join us over at @LifeofDadShow!

Sometimes my kids complain about something I tell them to do and I say “hey man, I don’t make the rules!” and then I walk away laughing under my breath because I DO make the rules.

— Brandon Andrina (@proathomedad) March 11, 2018

Sometimes as a parent there are those moments of pure joy & excitement, like when you arrive at a kids’ birthday party & the host says parents don’t have to stay.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 10, 2018

Me pretending that’s not my kid in public pic.twitter.com/iVgBEASlWk

— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) March 8, 2018

How to put on shoes like a 5-year-old:

1) Put on one shoe.

2) Ponder the mysteries of the universe.

3) What shoes?

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 9, 2018

Kids today will never know the struggle of having to go around the house and change every little clock. #DaylightSavings

— Matthew Kabel (@MattKabel) March 11, 2018

Me: Let’s watch the old Mario Bros show on Netflix from when I was a kid!

Daughter: Why is it blurry?

Me: All of the shows used to be blurry.

Daughter: Why is it square?

Me: TV’s used to be square.

Daughter: Why isn’t it funny or good?

Me: YOU MADE ME WATCH CAILLOU!!

— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) March 23, 2018

Me after seeing a group of 30 something year old guys gathered to play Pokemon GO: “What a bunch of nerds”

Also me after picking up my son from school today: “CAN YOU TEACH ME TO PLAY FORTNITE RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?

— Chris Read (@CanadianDadBlog) March 19, 2018

My daughter thinks it’s hilarious when I accidentally get her math questions wrong but the joke’s on her because it’s not an accident and she’s on her own for homework for 10 more years.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) March 19, 2018

My style of parenting can best be described as ‘Max and Ruby’s parents.’

— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) March 24, 2018

My kid just fed me what she said was a raisin. It wasn’t a raisin.

Never, I repeat never, eat anything your kid feeds you without double checking.

— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) August 10, 2018

The first time I realized my kids are spoiled was when they started complaining about not being able to skip commercials at a hotel.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 6, 2018

My mom: wow it’s so nice of Jeff to watch your kids for the next few days while you’re gone

Me: yes, he is very excited to continue to be a father

— sleepy mom (@lauratnelson) August 10, 2018

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 13, 2018

My toddler just looked me straight in the eyes and whispered “I’m NOT crazy.” Which sounds exactly like something a crazy person would do.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 19, 2018

Mom: [carries in womb for 10 months, breastfeeds another 12 months, quits job to stay at home and raise our daughter]

Me: [does the going downstairs behind the couch gag]

Daughter: Daddy’s my best friend!

— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) May 15, 2018

My 8yo can’t play video games today, but instead of doing something productive, he’s having his brother loudly narrate his game from the next room.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 12, 2018

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 10, 2018

Me “Go play outside.”

Kids “Ugh it’s too hot!!”

Me “Go!”

Kids “Will you play with us?!”

Me “Outside? No way! It’s way too hot.”

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) May 8, 2018

2yo: “mommy I did it!”

Me: “that’s awesome, buddy I knew you could do it!”

(I have no idea what he did)

— Melissa (@Fiveoclockmommy) May 10, 2018

My kids made me Mother’s Day cards covered in glitter, which is like the opposite of saying I love you.

— Ashnog (@adult_mom) May 14, 2017

My 5yo son just slept-walked into the kitchen, pulled down his pants and peed all over the kitchen table. Glad to hear you are pregnant with your first though.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 4, 2018

My nephews thought my not giving them Easter baskets was an April Fool’s joke, but really it’s because they’re older now.

Aging, the ultimate prank.

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) April 1, 2018

(both kids screaming from the living room) MONSTERS DON’T SPAWN IN THIS AREA! WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED A TORCH! IF I DIE BECAUSE OF YOU I’M GONNA – JUST DIG AND HIDE! WHERE IS YOUR BASE?

It’s too early for this

— Bottlerocket (@bottlerocket) April 20, 2018

The kids have been away for a few days and I just found a pair of inside-out pants with underwear still stuck to them in my 5yo’s room and clutched it to my chest like an ex’s hoodie.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 7, 2018

My son asked what sides we were having with dinner like we haven’t had mac & cheese and microwaved green beans with every meal since he was born.

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) July 17, 2018

https://twitter.com/ValeeGrrl/status/1018920271011557377 https://twitter.com/eff_yeah_steph/status/1017722655968059392

Me: (limits screen time)

[5 minutes later]

6: (gets a concussion) Me: That’s it! Everyone back on their tablets!

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 10, 2018

https://twitter.com/sarcasticmommy4/status/1015071841809981440

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

— Baron Stigmund (@stiggib3) July 1, 2018

8: “Where’s Dad? I need some help” Me: “I can help you!” 8: “It’s about the TV” Me: 8: Me: “Dad’s upstairs.”

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 26, 2018

“Nope.”

~My two-year old, trying to justify he didn’t draw on the table with a red crayon while HOLDING A RED CRAYON.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 9, 2018

Life hack: If you tell the pizza delivery person “Thanks so much, you’re making our Pajama Day awesome!” when you and your toddler answer the door in pj’s, you transform from the mom who couldn’t get her shit together into the fun mom who hosts theme days.

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) June 5, 2018

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) June 8, 2018

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) June 3, 2018

Every single conversation I have with my kids pic.twitter.com/osbJEa8E7B

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 1, 2018

After my family finishes dinner. Me: “Anyone want ice cream?” My kids reaction. #LifeofDad pic.twitter.com/N0rZzLJkH7

— DadatWork (@ArtEddy3) August 23, 2018

Damn, looks like I brought the wrong 47 children’s books on our road trip.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 22, 2018

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) August 26, 2018

BEFORE HAVING KIDS: “I am NEVER making separate meals for my children”

4 YEARS LATER: “Let me repeat your order: tri-color pasta (al dente) with butter & cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yogurt two ways, Cheez-Its.”

— Bret Turner (@bretjturner) August 15, 2018

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

— The Baron (@baronvonbike) August 17, 2018

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch? Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu- 8yo: I spilled my drink Me: Of course

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 31, 2018

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) September 19, 2018

In case you wondered what having a boy is like. My son just came down from having a shower and smelled no different than before he went in. I asked if he used soap and he responded “not this time” as if that’s even a thing.

— Chris Read (@CanadianDadBlog) September 24, 2018

You’ll know parents by the way they are compelled to point out any and all cows to anyone who happens to be in the car with them.

— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) September 17, 2018

Kid: *3 and a half seconds after calling me the worst mom ever* Can you make me a snack?

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 14, 2018

Nothing like seeing a new dad at Disney World find out a Mickey shaped balloon with a glow stick in it is $35. Welcome to the club buddy.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 16, 2018

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) September 8, 2018

7AM text from mom. Just a quick seven paragraphs.

— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 31, 2018

“How I wonder what you are?”

You literally JUST said it was a little star. Nursery rhymes are dumb.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 29, 2018

Save a ton of time by never unloading groceries again. Just throw the bags of food directly into a teenager’s open mouth.

— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) October 22, 2018

I finally posted pics of my kids at a pumpkin patch, so I get to stay on Facebook for another year

— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) October 24, 2018

A kids version of the “Saw” movie but they can only escape by eating a sandwich with the crusts on.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 16, 2018

Ahh, I love the sound of my kids’ screen time in the morning.

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) October 21, 2018

God: You’re in charge of naming all the animals.

Dr. Seuss: That’s a Zizzer Zazzer Zuz. That’s a Phiffer Pheffer Phef. That’s-

God: Nope nope nope. Let’s bring you back later. Adam, you’re up.

— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) October 10, 2018

My kids know to wait until I’m sick to ask me to upgrade all their iPad games.

Why yes, I will pay $9.99 to unlock all the Strawberry Shortcake baking tools if it means a possible 10 minutes of silence.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) October 8, 2018

9: Where’s dad? I need his help.

Me: Anything your dad can do, I can do. What do you need?

9: When I flushed the toilet, it keeps rising.

Me: Go find your dad.

— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) September 29, 2018

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) September 24, 2018

https://twitter.com/thisiskacee/status/1065007774713577473

In hind sight “Up your butt and around the corner” was not the best phrase to add to 4’s vocabulary.

But my God, you should have seen Nana’s face when 4 told her where she could find her glasses.

Worth. It.

— Mom Jeans Please (@momjeansplease) November 20, 2018

CONFUSED SHOPPER DAD: should i buy the odorless candle or the apple-cinnamon candle?

OTHER SHOPPER DAD: apple-cinnamon. it makes more scents!

*tremendous high five attempt, but they whiff*

— TuSoon Shakur (@TuSoonShakur) November 12, 2018

Daughter: can you make me a sandwich?

Me: poof you’re a sandwich lol.

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter: MOM HE’S DOING THAT THING AGAIN.

— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) November 7, 2018

8yo: Mom, will you put ketchup on my hotdog?

Me: You’re old enough to do it yourself.

8yo: pic.twitter.com/WfXA9pepJX

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 5, 2018

Me: *reads first four words of children’s book* 2-year-old: “Why?”

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 1, 2018

We’re going to an amusement park tomorrow.

So today we’re busy threatening to not go to the amusement park tomorrow.

— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) November 3, 2018

There is no one more drunk with power than a 3 year old who can finally reach the water dispenser on the refrigerator. 6 cups in 5 minutes and counting…

— Mom Jeans Please (@momjeansplease) November 1, 2018

My husband was looking at his fantasy football scoreboard and my 9yo came up and started reading the team names and said “What’s Finger Bangers?” and I think we all aged a little in that moment.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 6, 2018

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) December 4, 2018

Welcome to parenthood, you need to flush the toilet before you use it too.

— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) November 29, 2018

SANTA: what would you like for Christmas? *child hands Santa a note*

“Please look after Melissa. I need a couple of hours to shop and maybe get a coffee. Also, she’s lactose intolerant.”

SANTA, to elf: put her with the others

— Bison (@McGrumpenstein) December 8, 2018

Special shout out to the kid at my son’s elementary school concert who threw his arms into a cross and yelled “Wakanda Forever!” at the end of his performance.

— Heather M. Jones (@hmjoneswriter) December 14, 2018

Last Friday, my daughter’s teacher mentioned to me how nice it is to see how well my kids get along & love each while at school. Now if you’ll excuse me, my daughter just punched my son in the groin for using the pencil crayon she wasn’t even using…

— Chris Read (@CanadianDadBlog) December 17, 2018

There’s always the ‘Funniest parenting tweets of the week’ but never the ‘Funniest guy living alone in basement apartment tweets of the week’, heck this.

— Matt (@Stap_Jr) September 11, 2018

The post 2018’s Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Year!! appeared first on Life of Dad.

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2018’s Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Year!!