#I don't seek out media to tell me that things are hopeless and good or innocent people will die for no reason by monsters

[taldigi]

You like Five Nights at Freddy's? I thought you hated horror?

Yes.

[bangtthedoldrums]

life update?

July is almost over, i think these days i'm seeing glimpses of light at the end of the 27 tunnel. why am i writing all these on tumblr, you may wonder? i'm attention-seeking, i seek attention, i fear.

(let's bffr, whose attention am i seeking when i literally have <5 followers here haha, what a melodramatic bitch)

these days i'm feeling relatively stable. i'm laughing a lot, i'm smiling a lot. i mean i was already starting to, then the whole Kamala effect kicked off and i find myself laughing at dumbass things - nothing's ever that serious lol

the astrology people on twitter were not kidding about Saturn's return. 27 has been so fucking difficult, i can see why Club 27 even exists in the first place.

i wouldn't say i was "fighting" the last few months, "fighting" to stay alive? nah. some of my friends know i'm absolutely not "fighting" in any way. i'm glad i hung around i guess?

Sufjan, you're undeniably talking to yourself in this track. i would like to answer your question if that's okay. i probably wouldn't a few months ago, but yes, now i do care if i survive this.

oh god it's finally happening i guess. the time to get over a relationship is half the time it lasted. the timeline fits i guess.

"I'm frightened of the end, I'm drowning in my self-defense" and "Think of me as what you will, I grow like a cancer" sound about right.

"Did I cross you? Did I fail to believe in positive thoughts? Our romantic second chance is dead, I buried it with the hatchet"

"If I get a little prettier, can I be your baby? You tell me, 'Life isn't that hard' " yeah. sounds about right.

the season of pain and hopelessness has passed, and with resignation and acceptance comes revelation. and that revelation is that it's over.

okay. enough about that for now. please allow me to ramble on about things that have been in my head the last few days (or last few months haha).

the first thing - i'm not sure if i'm delulu or what, but please go with me here. these days i stare into the mirror, and my face looks like it's in the process of chiseling itself out. i can see my cheekbones. my cheeks look hollower. (but that could be an illusion? from the shadow of the temple of my glasses casted on my cheeks.)

i don't know if that is part of ageing. or if i lost weight. or if i'm sick. i feel fine though. but i would not be surprised if i secretly had lung cancer all these time from all those years of cigarettes smoking, and now vaping. who knows! i look hot so whatever.

the second thing - i've been listening to chappell roan a lot the last few months, just about the time i noped out of social media lol.

i've been returning to my punk/alternative/rock roots lately. i have too much pent-up rage lately methinks. rage from grief, rage from injustice, rage from.......... actually these two are mainly it. i can't really think of anything right now.

the third thing - penn badgley is so hot. haha. as a sapphic (mostly) no man has ever made me feel anything except penn badgley. not that joe goldberg persona though, it's dan humphrey and woodchuck todd. okay fine, there were. but i would like to mention penn badgley for now 😀

the fourth thing - i've been feeling a lot more social lately. being social online helps. talking to people helps. making plans with friends whom i love, trust, and respect helps.

i wonder if i wasted all these time isolating myself. maybe i'd be better quicker. or i'd lash out for no good reason. we'll never know. i guess it also helps when the trigger of my fight or flight isn't living down the hallway anymore?

the fifth thing - i find myself funny again. not like "i'm insulting someone for shits and giggles" funny. like i could make jokes again. like my humour is back. i scrolled through my reddit account a few days back and i don't even remember most of the comments i've made with that account. i used to be so funny and quick-witted. it's all coming back slowly so i'm glad 😄

okay folks, that's all for now. i've disappeared for a while but i'm back. thank you for your patience and understanding.

27's almost over. i don't know if i "can't wait for it to be over." i don't really feel anything about getting older. i'm literally still a baby when it comes to my prefrontal cortex. or a toddler if you're particular. i guess anything can still happen from now till September, the universe's always listening !!! 😀

why the tell-all now, girl? who knows! maybe i wna start documenting stuff again. i don't remember things from the last 8 to 9 months. with everything else that went on in my head i'm surprised that i lasted this long.

maybe i wna be honest.

"Come one, come all, I'll tell you my secrets. I'm kinda like a prettier Jesus"

this must be what Lorde feels when she wrote Solar Power

[katyspersonal]

warning for: "bad wording", "unasked opinion", "another coward hiding behind anon mask"

I think you should stop looking for an ideology/side to pick and consider trying to pick your own side, attempt learning to become your own person instead—give up on fitting into any cult anything? Honestly, why don't you try to build your own thing? You seem capable of building so much of theories, finding so much of little details not many could ever notice—why not use this skill to help yourself? I get it. Many humans do not like making efforts. I'm one of them. Sometimes becoming your own person = doing a lot of efforts, but it is not a hard work it is just making efforts, day by day, baby steps, it is possible, it is valid—even if right now it might seem as "not very likely" or "hopeless" or "meaningless" in your personal case. I do not judge you. I'm trying to tell you that creating your own identity, a personality is possible. Speaking from a lil anon experience, so far I haven't found any other solution except trying to learn how to rebuild yourself into yourself from a scratch and "broken remains". You can't get rid of every single shitty influence but you can take control of it, its traces and make something of your own. You can do anything, if you want...but you don't want it, do you? I do not know you (and you don't know me), all I got is an opinion to make out of your post, I bet it's mostly wrong, I should have stayed silent, heh. I think you'll be less miserable if you stop running away from yourself by seeking yourself in people, groups and fandoms. And I do not mean it in way like "quit social media they are evil they are brainwashing you into becoming something you are not", if anything I do not believe in "good" and "evil" nor in "black and white", because this life has much more of colors and hues in the store to offer. "Balancing it out" is what I was trying to tell. Please try to help yourself. I think you deserve to live and have good things in your life. My opinion matters very little because I'm just another coward, but I mean it.

Hey, this is actually a very good message. It took me some time to get to it because currently I genuinely am better off sinking in my special interest and drawing than tackle anything personal. But this is a good advice, especially for someone who had to judge my character off very limited information. (or maybe I am oversharing way more than I think I do...?)

The thing is... I DO have beliefs and ideals! It is aggressively affirming them where I fail at. Like you pointed out, I can see a lot of things no one else does and that's how I get into every character's head. But it is similar with people. Very often I will see where person is coming from, what events and information and trends made them come to this conclusion, what is their motivation, and like... You see, this is normally a deal-breaker for me. Just because I can understand why person thinks this way, see the logic and often even a valid fundament, this person passes for me - especially if I can not properly object them with logic and knowledge. I am not the type to have no logical counter-arguements and still pull the 'L + you are wrong + you are a bitch + bye' thing, because coming from emotions is not for me. For this same reason I often get trapped in abusive relationship - because when person is convincing and I have no counter-arguements for why I should not be treated this way besides crying and insulting... well, I can be convinced of deserving anything. Just ask my EX boyfriend hahaha (he healed and changed, don't worry).

This is the loop of autism. Not just any autism, but like, very pure form of it. The one that consistently pisses the allistics off enough to call us "robots" or "psychopaths". We do not 'just' understand things and not 'just' believe in things - we only do or think something if there is a reason. But at the same time, we won't "just know" a lot of things others do. There are only two things you can do - either 1) assume some unbreakable "rules" how society and people function and what is right and wrong end up being a rigid prick that judges everyone through the same lence and could never see things working unlike these "rules" or 2) say fuck it and use your own brain to navigate in the world, but you will constantly get lost. I think the latter is the lesser evil, because the former not only makes it more likely to get used as ideological soldier, but also will fuck over people that act and speak coming from different reasoning.

And you are right. I SHOULD make my own rules - not listen to some arrogant assholes claiming to be for peace and equality but We Know, and not listen to some conservatives who just can't accept that every generation will be different; but also not wander so aimlessly. I have a friend who is very similarly fucked up to me: hard autism, borderline personality disorder, burdening level of insightful, all that. And even he is self-sufficient enough to say 'Yes I see where you are coming from in your beliefs, but fuck you, that's a way of an idiot'. Another friend who has the exact same type of autist thinking as me ended up doing just what I mentioned - they set up the rules of what he believes in and refuses to budge on them no matter the stakes, even if they tend to hurt people because not even appealing to their compassion could make them budge. Like!!! you have to be literally dying for them to go easier, but even then they'll pick their principles back up and return to the discussion when you recovered.

Granted, recently I've been becoming more solid. Like recently I've blocked someone because they were using slurs in an arguement, and even before that I blocked someone I never even talked with because they were a tad too nationalist against Russians (all of them). It is just... not really like me? I tend to not mind free speech, but for some reason I've started to get more angry at such things? It is also the uh... Barb1e movie. Yeah don't laugh, trust me plenty of people ended up in existential crisis because of it. But it was something that followed when someone whose reasoning I was able to understand prior pulled the 'This movie hates men' when the movie gave men positive message that men should aspire to be self-sufficient and be themselves instead of stressing to fit into social expectations. This sort of (mis)interpretation just felt way too similar to """logic""" a certain asshole had calling me lesbophobic when I said to stop locking lesbians in stereotypes (I know you're lurking here, lil shit). It feels very obvious that anyone can be an idiot and it is not just privilege of the "woke SJWs" side but just a flaw of any human that makes their politics their personality, but sometimes it takes a certain event to make you truly SEE something, you know?

And in the end, by learning to assert my beliefs, by learning to be consistent and not just 'have' them, I will be playing this game too, no? ...somewhat. Currently I am more like Rom - I see everything but this is the reason I can't do shit. I want to be more like Djura, who knows what he thinks and will protect it, and you have to actually agree to his terms to not get shot by him! Both of these characters are 'open' and will work with people's autonomy: Rom by her barrier being penetrable if you have enough Insight, so you CAN learn horrors of the universe but only if you are looking for them so people that don't want that shit are spared, and Djura by not denying the hunt altogether but insisting that beasts that can't harm people are spared, as he tells us to go and be useful where we will be. But Djura has something Rom no longer does - personality! For me 'seeing where they come from' is a pass to forgive... literally everything? It can be a great power that will let me find what others can't and make friends no one else could, but it can also be a dangerous mindset that will trap me in abusive relationship or make me cause damage. The one thing Rom is not showing even to 99 Insight people is how there is a madman slowly destroying humanity with his ritual, isn't it so? Haha, yeah, you pointed out that I am very well-versed in analyzing fiction, but this shit legit helps me to navigate. I've been solving many conflicts and questions via "omg they're just like those characters for real". Autists interact with the world vicariously through fiction! My close friends also developed a habit of helping me by comparing the situation with something that happened in our Bloodb0rne headcanons. I am dead serious. x)

In the end, I am incapable of being ideological soldier, nor I can obey the rules based on "I am [demographic] and you are not so do what I say or you are a danger for our whole kind" (left) or "I am older/more educated and you don't know shit in life and if you don't agree with me you are just another woke zombie" (right). Of course I can't have a 'covenant' - I am an individualist! An individualist that can't assert their individuality, apparently. But there is a difference between wandering aimlessly or walking your own way..

______________________

Again, thank you for this ask.. You really should not be so hard on yourself - anons are only bad and cowardly if it is a prick being mean. Otherwise they're fine! And it was important for me to think about, too... I was not even really THINKING about how I have friends with similar thinking as me but they adapted and can be consistent and assertive. They can disagree very harshly, to the point of creating awkwardness between us until I either change my mind or admit that I have nothing to argue, and that's not emotional manipulation, but standing up.

[punhetamaistriste]

It's only sex

I like how open we are about sex. I really do. We, as young people in college, talk about sex a lot. There are loads of people actually doing sex, also. Last year I was in a relationship that involved sex, and I wasn't repulsed. I'm not repulsed by the sex talk either. I like knowing new gossip, and half the times it happens to be about sex. I like sex jokes, I like how some sex is portrayed in media, I like engaging in what other people my age engage. I also don't like sex very much.

My personal asexual circle showing how I manifest asexuality

I was 14 when I first thought about it. By that time I'd known for years I was bisexual, and I was never scared of being queer (was already a bullied child for many reasons, so I got nothing to worry about), and in high school I met another asexual person who got me thinking if I could be like them. I wrote the <i>53x + m^3 = 0 </i> on the back of my jacket, but then I was 16 and people started talking about having sex. I liked kissing people, so I could just make shit up and talk just like they did. The ace equation is an underground symbol, and it usually makes people think I just like maths (I do).

I spent some time kissing and fooling around because people are pretty and the world is nice, but I can't picture them naked. I don't want to. I want to kiss their forehead and hug them so closely I can feel their heart beating in my skin, but I don't need to be naked for that. I want intimacy, not sex. And for years I've tried, but people want sex from me. I gave sex to some of them, and two of my affairs involved sex on a regular basis (both because of my people pleaser syndrome and my angst towards seeking intimacy from people I'm not very emotionally close to fill the void). My favourite affairs were online, and one (with whom I considered for some time The Love of My Life!) consisted in back and forth trips to each other's houses to kiss and hug and watch anime. Not sex. I didn't want it. We didn't need it. We knew what we were. Couples don't need sex. Well, eventually he did and confessed he was just not sexually attracted to me. Being square, I took it as treason, because he still wanted to have sex with other people. I felt abnormal, and I hate feeling abnormal. We broke up.

I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm afraid of dying alone, even though a cat and a dog in a house with a yard would be awesome for me already. I want to feel that part of life, I want to say I lived love, I lived fully. That's no weakness. I don't usually disclose to people that I'm asexual because I don't think they're actually understood, and I'm already misunderstood enough. I think I'd be unconsciously left out, and I like being in. I like knowing new gossip, and half the times it happens to be about sex. I like sex jokes, I like how some sex is portrayed in media, I like engaging in what other people my age engage. I just don't like sex. Is it that weird?!

I never know when it's time to tell someone I'm making romantic advances that I don't want to have sex with them, but I don't. They're pretty and nice and I want to touch them and sleep with them, but not in a sex way. It's hard to tell, and it usually make things weird. I hate making things weird.

I'm thinking about "coming out" so I don't have to tell. Be a proud ace. But not now. I'm pretty and young, I like to decieve. Maybe soon. I want you to know I am not sexually attracted to you, and I just want to be close. I like being close. Maybe I'm demi or gray I don't know about the spectrum very well and I don't think I care. I don't think about sex with you (maybe I do, but thinking how it'd make a good story or a song), and I don't want to orgasm thinking of you.

I want to sleep with you, but only in the literal sense.

[olderthannetfic]

you (seem like you) like actually fully love yourself and your live and don't want to die. How?? Like how did you get to that place?

(you don't have to answer if you don't want, I just think you're cool and am in awe)

--

Aww, thanks, anon.

Well... I have two responses here, and I want you to listen to both of them, okay?

Response the first is that while I've certainly worked at and still work at loving myself, a lot of my basic well being and mental health come from loving, sane parents with decent boundaries and a lack of genetic predisposition to mental illness. I'm not saying this to depress you but to point out that nobody should be too hard on themselves.

Mental health things can be like financial things where everyone's telling you "bootstraps, bootstraps", while ignoring that they started life way ahead of the game, and not everybody has those advantages. So if things seem very hard, don't beat yourself up. Maybe you just got dealt a shitty hand.

Response the second is that even with a shitty hand, life is not hopeless. What you do on a daily basis makes a big difference. Fixing my sleep and eating habits is a lifelong process, but it has definitely helped my mental health. Forcing myself to finally write my first novel involved learning time management I never did as a ~gifted kid~. Finishing that project made me feel better about things I didn't even know bothered me.

Exercise is an... uh... ongoing project. (Read, I am terrible at doing exercise, but it does help with mental health.) Decluttering my mother's horror of a house is too, and every time I make the space I spend my days in tidy and cute, I feel so much better. Scattered belongings mean a scattered mind for me. Having less stuff is a part of that. I'm a packrat by nature, but it's bad for me.

Being in my 40s also helps. I was happier than most teens, but I still had a lot of emotional ups and downs and hormones going nuts back then. I know who I am better now than I could have in my 20s and 30s.

I too have times I feel awful though. I'm extremely anxious about money right now. I have family I can fall back on, but that means groveling to someone in a way that's deeply embarrassing for my middle-aged ass. I'm about to move in with my girlfriend, and a lot of decluttering and such needs to happen first. I do think I have a better foundation than most of liking myself deep down, but it doesn't necessarily get rid of the surface level anxiety and bad brain days.

If you are currently very young, some things may just calm down as you age and hormones calm down. I don't mean horny hormones: I mean how teenage bodies dump chemicals in your brain all the time, and emotions are as volatile as you'd expect from that. If you are not so young, good habits won't solve everything, but they're a good first step. The key for most people is a stable environment, low stress levels, and professional help, usually both meds and talk/behavioral therapy. All of that takes money, so I understand how frustrating that can be to hear. Aggressive decluttering, making your space nice, and removing sources of stress from your life like toxic friends or social media addiction are things one can start on without a lot of money though.

Nobody has to go through life wanting to die all the time. We all have bad days, but that's extreme. Feeling better is a long process with a lot of hard work, but there are strategies you can try. I recommend seeking out advice from people who started in a much darker place than I did. They're going to have more practical advice because their attempts to love themselves were more conscious and concrete. I know some of my readers have linked to subreddits and other sources of free advice on how to replicate things like CBT and DBT on your own if going to a pro is not an option.

Good luck, nonnie!

[ciinnamonandhoneyy]

I have a squishy fiance but she suffers a lot from body dysmorphia/not thinking parts of her are appealing. What sort of things would you recommend to me to encourage more body positivity?

Hey, I'm not sure when this was sent so I'm sorry if I'm seeing this late but thank you for this question. I'm really glad to see you seeking advice on ways to help your fiance and I hope I can offer something helpful. I'll put a line break here so people can choose to read the novel of an answer I wrote out or not.

Firstly, if she doesn't like the word "squishy", you can find more gentle or more "appealing" words to describe her squishy body to her that may make her feel a little better. I personally love words like "soft, lush, lovely" etc. Have a conversation about this with her though. Ask her what kind of words she prefers but make sure they are words that have a positive connotation! Don't just randomly switch it up, because that might cause a bit of concern from her wondering why you've suddenly changed how you refer to her and her body. It's super important to be there for her and assure her that you are present and engaged and loving. Remind her that she's beautiful but don't forget to also highlight non-physical aspects of her that you love. Intelligence, sense of humour, how kind she is, talents etc. Don't place all the importance on her physical appearance - society does that to us enough. For myself personally, I also find it helpful to be reminded that the way I see myself is not how the rest of the world sees me. That my view is distorted by the pressure that society and media has put on me as a woman my entire life. Of course you can find a way to say something similar that you feel will benefit her. You know her, I do not. So tailor your words as you see fit. Be mindful of how you talk about other peoples bodies in front of her as well. I had an ex who once told me "I started watching porn with bigger girls to help encourage my attraction to you" (also the same ex who said he was embarrassed by my pink hair back in 2016 and pressured me in to getting rid of it... so just an all around stinky human being). Do not be like that. Don't make fun of other peoples bodies because she will absolutely store whatever comments you make away in her mind and they will add on to whatever she already thinks of herself. When she comes to you wanting to talk about her insecurities, it's good to just sit and listen without being judgmental or trying to immediately launch into ways to help or fix things. Sometimes we just want to be listened to. It's always good to ask if she wants an ear to listen, reassurance or help finding a solution. This basically means don't automatically suggest you start going to the gym together or her starting a new diet when she's opening up about her body image issues. It's gonna be a rough conversation to have at first, but if you haven't already, please sit down and talk to her about which parts are a "no talking about/no touching" zone unless she brings it up first. Being aware of what areas bother her will help you avoid bringing negative attention to them and causing her distress. Do not assume which parts she does and doesn't like. It will take some finessing, but it may also be a good idea to tell her you love those parts of her because they're soft/lovely/etc etc. Do this at your own discretion though. And of course, probably most importantly, please do not punish her or make her feel ashamed for her body image issues. I assure you she feels more than enough of that towards herself. Please don't ever tell her "it's hopeless" or "useless" to try and reassure her because she "always goes back to thinking the same way". I can personally tell you how much that fucking sucks to hear. Also please encourage her to wear her favourite outfits and tell her she looks amazing in them!! ♥ DO NOT HALF-ASS ANYTHING. Don't make it feel like a chore or a task to maintain. Be genuine, understanding and patient with her. Assure her that it's okay if she needs a little extra reassurance and encouragement sometimes. I guess my last bit of advice.. or rather a bit of a question.. is she in therapy for her body-image issues or any underlying trauma that may have contributed to them? It's not why I got in to therapy but I'd be lying if I said therapy didn't help toward improving my body-image issues. If she is fortunate to get in to therapy, she should if she hasn't already. Also from another squishy girl, thank you again for seeking out ways to help encourage her! I appreciate your

effort.

[thetimetravellercat]

So, recently, I've been more vocal around my mother about wanting to read/see/watch things with queer content and about being tired of only seeing very straight very heteronormative things.

And of course, it was bound to happen, I got the 'tsk annoyed' response that I should stop complaining about straight things and that it's not because it's straight that it's bad.

And, see, the thing is I never said that. I never once said "hetero = bad", I said I was tired of everything being cis and straight.

I think, probably 95% of the content I casually interact with (once you remove Tumblr haha) and by that i mean television shows, ads, books in my public library, etc... is straight.

And I'm just sick of it, of not being able to see myself represented in casual medias, like the dozens of romcoms the big TV channels broadcast every week, the movies broadcast in the eveningz etc...

And I'm sick that when queerness is represented in these medias it's often more than not centred around coming out, violence, death or over stereotyped (looking at you The Gay Friend™).

So sure, progress is being made (I've been pleasantly surprised by quite a few TV shows in which I wasn't expecting casual queerness) but it doesn't erase this feeling of "too much" and "boring" and "I'm sad now because it makes me feel like I can't have this because I'm queer or otherwise it would be more widely represented".

[my mother is quite fond of romcoms and I honestly like them because everyone has their guilty pleasure, but often more than not, I'll find myself very sad at the end because it feels like I'll never find love because I'm 100% not straight nor cis]

But it's not because "progress is being made" that I should be forbidden to complain or to actively seek casual queer content. Because these feelings don't disappear just because this particular TV show added one (1) queer character to their cast. Because the vast majority of what I can access is still widely cis and straight.

I also can't understand why it's so important for people to tell me to "suck it up", basically.

Because that's not the first time I've had someone straight up (haha) tell me I should stop seeking queer content over "normal" (cis/het) and popular content easily available.

That I was wrongfully disregarding content only because it wasn't queer at all and that it was Bad (very surprisingly, none of these people were queer themselves). And I don't get why seeking representation (and good representation) is bad.

Just because right now I'm choosing not to watch this movie or this TV show because I don't want to experience the feelings I was talking about earlier doesn't mean I'm saying it's bad. It doesn't harm the show (I think we've been told enough that we were indeed not the majority), and most importantly, it doesn't erase it, it's not preventing you from watching and enjoying it.

Me choosing to watch or read something else in which I'll find representation doesn't harm you.

And maybe I'll even watch/read it later! When I'm not feeling so sad and hopeless about my own future.

But for now, I'm just looking for exactly what you're looking for as well: having a good time.