#I don't think I'll be able to finish writing my thesis this year (again)

[potato-elf]

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[zonnemaagd]

Phei of the Wind | Draft 3 Complete

Hiya all~ It's been a while, but today I've finished the third draft of my fantasy novel Phei of the Wind. As many of you know I've been working on this novel for more than twelve years now, and this is the most definitive version I've ever made. It's still going to be revised and worked upon, of course, but most story beats have now been completed. It's composed of 29 chapters with a hefty 109000 words. I'm writing my thesis this semester, and I realised that I was so close to finishing that I couldn't think about anything else. So I went burn-out mode and wrote some 20000 words these two weeks, and now while I'm sitting in my eco-literature class (which is very interesting but my brain is too obsessed to stop writing), I've typed up the last few words.

So for those who have somehow missed me talking about this, it's a story about Phei, a halfling-harpy who lives in a world above the clouds. She is a priestess of sorts, and she notices that the world is slowly growing pale and empty. When she learns of a possible cause she runs away to the world below the clouds, the world where her people exiled themselves from. There she travels across the lands, figuring out not just what's happening to the world, but what happened to her people as well while meeting a cast of eccentric characters.

As in regards to the third draft, the biggest change is the endpoint. The previous draft ended at a point that made sense for a single novel, but would require another novel to tell the whole story. This new draft doesn't stop there. I shuffled around a lot of things and added some 40k words after that point. I wanted Phei's story to be composed of one big book. It doesn't mean that don't want to tell other stories in this world, but Phei's story is done when this book is done.

So what's next? I'm going to go through the entire book once, since I have a pile of notes that I thought of when writing this draft. And then I want to send the book out to a handful of beta readers. I'll send a post out for that tonight or tomorrow, so keep your eyes peeled if you're interested in that!

And lastly I'd like to thank you all for your nice comments and support! Every time someone commented something nice about the story it kept me going, so I think it may have taken a lot longer without all of you. <3

I'll leave you with a snippet (picking something that has no spoilers was haaaard), and hope you will all have a wonderful day!

xx

The wind causes Phei to lose her grip on time. Hours blow past as Phei glides, effortless. She knows of birds being able to sleep in the sky, and wonders if her people used to glide in their sleep too. Her dream quickly fades when she dashes to the right again, a sliver of upwards current catching her attention. Agile, yet absent-minded, she crosses past the forests until she can see the sands of Iekin edge towards the mountains, there where the narrow peaks and pillars of Sunde come into view. Without the stormy clouds Phei is able to take in the mountain in its entirety. It is a lonely mountain, imprisoned by the hundreds of spikes surrounding it. The evening sun shines over it, making the golden chains draping down all around the mountain glitter in sinful light. Glistering like that, Phei imagines the mountain as almost peaceful. It shows no sign of the great horrors that have been committed at its feet. It is like a passive observer, nothing more, nothing less.

Taglist, let me know if you want to be added / removed!

@ink-fireplace-coffee | @write-the-stars-and-shadows | @henrike-does-writing-sometimes | @ladywithalamp | @chazzawrites | @writingonesdreams | @generalblizzarddreamer | @peepos-prose | @writing-is-a-martial-art | @dahliaornelas​​ | @ofbloodandflowers | @magic-is-something-we-create | @ettawritesnstudies | @47crayons | @inkflight | @thelaughingstag | @writing-with-l | @immunetoliteraryanalysis​ | @strangerays​ | @luerange​  | @snowinks​ | @the-orangeauthor​ | @waysofink​ | @fablewritten​ | @houndmouthed​ | @midnights-call​ | @phantomnations​ | @teriwrites​

[natolesims]

LIFE UPDATE

I know I've been back only for a couple of months but look who's gonna kinda disappear once again 🫥

This simblr is my happy place and that's the main reason I don't really talk about personal stuff in here, but it is important to me that you know what's going on instead of just sublimating once again, so here it goes:

(It's very long. You've been warned)

Some of you know about my terrible work experience from last year. I won't dive into that, but it was a big deal for me because I was working there to finally get my university degree. I graduated the year before the pandemic, but I was halfway writing my thesis to finally have my "study certificate" and degree. The abusive boss I had was, in fact, involved in my thesis as a co-director (not related to my school) and I was working with the collection I had to analyze to finish my investigation. She convinced me to work for her promising me (and even others) I could finally tie loose ends in my research while being in there (what was precisely what I was looking for), but things turned heavily wrong in record speed.

In the end, I had to quit the job and abandon my thesis to prioritise my well-being. And having to throw away the work of more of 4 years full with lots of hope and hard work was a really big hit for me. I also became unemployed and even lost half of my savings going to that place (because they weren't paying me). No wonder I got depressed. I'm better now! Eh, sometimes. I'm taking baby steps.

BUT of course I went to my school and said what happened. I'm lucky all the teachers that listened to me were willing to help and the first weeks of January I requested the approval of a new method of getting the degree: writing a scientific paper. Welp, guess who got green light this week 🎉

The issue here is that I only have until July (tops) to present the article. It's nothing I've never done before... But I'm still scared and a bit rusty, not gonna lie. But I'm sick of not being able to get that stupid degree so I'm focusing all my energy on that. And that's exactly why we're going on a mild hiatus!

I don't want the story gameplays become something that haunt me in my dreams because of pressure and stress, so I think it's better I take a step back and wait. Sort my things out, enjoy the process while doing so. As I've said several times before: the little corner of simblr I'm in amazes me, makes me feel great and safe, I truly enjoy everything you make (even if I become some sort of lurker sometimes), and I'm very fond and grateful for the friends and acquaintances I've made so far, so I'm not leaving. @dustbon will still be up and posting, since it's a blog that doesn't require lots of work and shows how I'm destressing with the game :B I'll just become more of a reader the next months.

But yeah, that's about it. I'm sorry for the really brief return, but I'm holding onto this new opportunity for dear life. I hope you can understand. Whish me luck!

[safflowerseason]

Late to the party, but I just finished Succession. Holy shit, what an ending. Anyway, I enjoyed going back and reading your takes from when it was still airing. Do you have any other morsels or headcanons to share?

Hey! Thank you so much for writing in with a Succession question!! I love it! And I'm glad you enjoyed my little takes and recaps...I didn't have the time to do full-on recaps for S4 like I did for S3, unfortunately, but I had such a great time watching in real time. I'll truly never forget watching 4.03 with the rest of the internet. I literally thought Logan's death was being faked until they told Shiv.

As for morsels/head-canons, oooh...compared to other viewers I don't have a ton of very specific headcanons about the upbringing/adolescence/early adult-hood of the Roys, beyond the few hints the show dropped. Apparently there was some debate early on about how far apart in age Kendall, Roman, and Shiv are (as well as whether Shiv or Roman was older, before the show confirmed Shiv as the youngest in S3)...I always assumed they were supposed to be quite close in age, five years max between Kendall and Shiv. The show itself is a bit blurry on the specifics of the backstory/everyone's timeline, though. I also wished we got more of the relationship between Logan and Caroline...we actually never (or barely) see them interact directly, and yet they seem to loom so large in each other's lives.

As for interpretative morsels...I actually haven't gone back and watched the finale again (if you can believe it) because it was soo good and devastating I literally haven't been able to work up the emotional fortitude. There was a great take here I saw that the finale didn't leave you with the same SHEER ADRENALINE RUSH of the other finales, which I will agree with but ultimately I think it fits with the show's overarching thesis that "everything is bullshit, especially billionaires." There's nothing about the finale I feel that will keep being re-litigated by fans (à la Veep)...there seemed to be some discourse about Shiv's ending and whether or not it fit with her character's arc (I think it does, but would love to hear your take!)

I will say that I was always interested in the decision to have Logan take up with Kerry in S3...I love the character of Marcia so much that the rise of Kerry was like a personal affront to me, lol, but I was also intrigued by how Marcia didn't seem threatened by Kerry the way she was by Rhea (or even Shiv). And it's also a relationship that Logan seems very passive about, and we never really hear his own take on it (except when he chickens out re: Kerry's audition tape for ATN). All the "facts" about what they do come from Kerry (or from other people, like Connor with the smoothie revelation). Like obviously, he seems fond of Kerry and is attracted to her (although I don't believe he was actually considering divorcing Marcia, not when he has literally just had to pay her a ridiculous amount of money to stick around in S3), but we don't see anything to indicate why he's okay letting her take on such an outsized role in the management of the business. (I also thought Brian Cox adopted an almost...fatherly air around the actress, which I guess would make sense due to the age difference...it wasn't like they had blazing sexual chemistry!) Is Kerry a symptom of Logan's growing passivity as he ages? A sign that he's getting old and predictable? Are we supposed to take away something about Kerry's naivëté, that she pins all her professional and personal hopes on an aging billionaire in ill health? Is she a parable in that sense? It's fitting for Succession, though, that a lot of the "intimacy" of the "romantic" relationships on the show take place offscreen, so in that sense I think the mystery is a bit purposeful. And the writers were always interested in "inverting" clichés to a certain degree (ie, the CEO having an affair with his much younger assistant)...but I guess I'm not sure how they inverted it in this instance, other than the incredibly ruthless way Kerry gets excised from the inner circle (a scene which will live in infamy!) as opposed to continuing the drama of their relationship after Logan's death.

That's one of the first things that comes to mind when I think about S4, but I'm sure there are many others, and would love to hear your specific thoughts about the season! My favorite episodes were, personally, 4.03 (Connor's Wedding), 4.04 (Honeymoon States--my pick for funniest episode of the season), and 4.09 (Church and State). My favorite season finale is probably S3, All the Bells Say...I think S2 is probably a tighter episode narratively, but my god, the emotional devastation of the S3 finale. You simply can't beat it!

[midorismorningsessions]

before proceeding, listen to the full episode here:

as i write this, i seriously do not know the question to this answer. having reeled from the loss of a friend to the perils of a staggered thesis writing journey coupled with random reminiscences of past memories while working on my narrative report, as well as the inherent final projects needed to be accomplished, made for a turbulent first few weeks of the new year for me. i think i might've fallen into a major depressive episode.

i decided to deactivate my facebook account so i won't have to recall these memories he left me dealing with, but everytime i turn up to school for the most random of reasons, i find myself just catching all the sadness this world ever has to give me. i've hesitated to come back since. or even turn my focus to these impending projects i still needed to finish. i just can't put my heart out into these projects. not when i'm still getting myself together, both as an individual student and the person a lot of people count on.

sure, i may have a long list of things i've wanted to do after school ends by this year. pursuing music full-time, teaching at the same department that has broken my heart and left me devastated twice, streaming myself playing valorant with an ever-cursing mouth, writing more and more pieces and essays about my experiences in life, producing and hosting a podcast about these same experiences, they have all crossed my mind. but nothing will ever replace the constant loneliness i have been feeling since time immemorial, a feeling that was once filled by my now-former college bestfriend, currently busy with the most important project he has undertaken yet—his own thesis.

i kind of don't like calling him that. but he has since grown cold as ice, not just towards me, but everybody else he has probably ever known. that excludes his own friends, ones that he encounters and spends time with everyday. these lucky bastards. that may be too much of a word to say, but they're lucky enough not to bear the brunt of losing a friend. they're lucky they will never grieve over losing someone so important to their lives, despite them being very much alive and kicking.

we never ended on a bad note, he said to me one time. so you don't need to block me. but knowing myself, i will definitely have the urge to tell him about random stuff, my adventures, my thesis, internship and everything in between. i did it for my own sake. of fucking course, it'll leave me haunting for days and weeks on end. and i did it time and again.

i told him about what i have been feeling in the brunt of all this in a lengthy rant on our messenger chats. i couldn't pretend any longer. i wasn't fine with everything happening at all. i wasn't fine with him being cold, or him deactivating. hell, he even told me that i could just dump everything and he'll read them all, but i couldn't do that now. i don't know if he even reads the rest of the emails i sent him. however, he read the first one that i sent in early january, saying that i didn't want to bother him any longer as he keeps himself busy with work and graduate school. i still had hope, but it has since faded with each passing day as i see him spending his time happily with his true friends.

i was never one of these friends. although he has been telling me that i am one of his for keeps friends, i don't know if that is even true anymore. he has been with me for all of my major milestones in the past year, but i couldn't even cheer him up in his most turbulent time yet. i don't know if he still considers me as a friend, or a phase now enamored by our respective personal endeavors.

i don't know where to go from here. that's the most obvious answer. i don't even know if i'll be able to graduate in about six months time. i don't know if i'll be able to survive this phase at all.

⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠—⁠

today's ending theme is 5 seconds of summer's amnesia from 5 seconds of summer. enjoy listening!

[dr3ames]

hi all!! ヾ(＾∇＾) it's been a while

so many things have happened since i last posted, and a whole summer has gone by!

firstly, i have gotten back into creative writing again! i've always been into writing my own short stories and mini novels since forever, and now i've found the motivation to pursue this again.

for six years i've been working on a passion project of mine, which is a novel covering both period fiction and fantasy. it's even influenced a lot of my artwork, which has actually sparked my motivation to actually finish the novel. maybe i'll post some parts of the novel on here..? (ー_ーゞ ... stay tuned i guess?

last time i posted, i was looking forward to zb1's debut (10/7). let me just say.. i'm so so SOOO glad that they went with a fresh whimsy concept and not a hardcore and dark concept that has been plaguing boy groups since 4th gen started. i've been seeing more groups start to shift away from the hardcore concepts and i couldn't be happier.

also, my two zb1 albums came in last month and guess who's card i pulled?

not just one hao.. but TWO hoas??? i've never been this lucky before when it comes to pulling photocards ＜("0 ")＞

in addition to zb1, i've been catching up with groups that i've previously been fans of. nct dream also had a comeback in july 'ISTJ' and it's sooo good!! renjun has been killing it this comeback this is HIS era. let's go renjun you go renjun!!!

i didn't pull renjun this comeback but i've been collecting some of his photocards from this album and the previous album. i've been getting back into investing in photocards which i'm not too proud of, considering that it's a big investment depending on which idol's cards you want to collect.

unfortunately for me, all my favorite idols are really popular, meaning their cards cost a lot more.

i'm trying to be smart and not overdo it though!! i don't want to go broke again (◞‸◟）.....

in other non-kpop related news, i got a new laptop!! my old one gave up on me so i had to use my mother's personal laptop for the rest of the spring semester and for my summer classes. i'm not normally a picky person, especially in times like this where i take what i can. but... given how old it was... it was absolute hell trying to get things done with it.

i'm actually a pretty busy person, and a lot of my work requires me to have a good-working device with working internet. this spare laptop was barely getting me through that, and it became almost impossible to get anything done.

and finally!! i was able to save up enough money this summer to get a new laptop! and it was perfect timing since i go back to school very soon..

anyways.. school starts very soon for me. it's my last year and then hopefully i'll be done for good. i'm a little nervous because of senior thesis work, but i have a really supportive department (we're very small so we all know each other pretty well) so hopefully i'll be okay. hopefully, this year will go pretty smoothly and it'll be another good year.

again, i'm sorry that i haven't been on here a lot. hopefully i'll be able to stay on here enough that i can give monthly updates, but we'll see. until then, i hope this finds you in good spirits! love yas <33 !

to sign off, here's a funny cute pic of renjun that i've been cheesing over since two days ago

-Starr ☆

17.8.23

UPDATE!!

i totally forgot to mention that i watched barbie and oppenheimer a couple weeks ago and both are so so good!!! i was going in thinking i'd like only one of them, but actually loved both them near equally!

well... i actually think i liked barbie a little bit more. i think it has to do with being afab and being someone who has the female perspective and experience of a woman living in this world. i think that it's really sad that critics have labelled this as an "anti-man" and "preachy" movie when that wasn't the point at all. barbie actually talks about how the patriarchy is harming both women AND MEN! it talks about how even men are also victims of a social structure that they created.

i could talk about barbie forever, but i don't want to add too much to this post since it's already so long (~_~;)

maybe i'll talk about barbie and oppenheimer another time, since i have so many thoughts on both of them. overall, it was a good experience and recommend both movies to anyone who hasn't seen them yet. 10/10 for both to be honest...

anways.. signing off for real this time!

-Starr ☆

[my-autistic-things]

Guess who's making a "how to manage dealing with a massive list of edits" post instead of working on said edits! Me!

Ok so this has taken me FOREVER to really figure out and implement in my life so I thought I'd make a post about it. This is how I deal with getting edits back after sending in a paper (specifically my thesis proposals) to my mentor.

Step 1. Open the document.

This is the absolute hardest step. No seriously. It is. You get the email back, you see the attachment with their initials at the end of the doc name, you know there's edits in there, the email says "here you go! Good work!" That day, ASAP, download that attachment and open it briefly, to scan just how terrifying this task will be.

Step 2. Close it and cry. (Tears are optional but the soul crushing feeling of being on your 5th round of edits is not).

It's okay, deal with it tomorrow. Seriously, go work on something else while you emotionally recover.

Step 3. Mentally prepare yourself to do the edits.

Put it on your to do list for tomorrow. Then when you don't do it, put it on the next day. And the next day. Even when you know it's impossible to get to, put it on there because the stress will build and you'll eventually get to it and Not forget it exists (vvvvv important).

Step 4a. Actually start your edits by opening the doc.

Don't set out like you're going to do everything in one sitting. Open the document with the intention of Starting, not doing. This is a mental battle. Yes battle. Having a good strategy will trump any "smarts" or writing ability you have.

Step 4b. Get out a notebook to write down what you have to do.

If you have do a split screen and can write in a separate document, go ahead, but I found that the absolute only way I can make progress is if I fullscreen my doc and have a notebook and pencil to write stuff down. Now you have 1) doc open, 2) notebook in front of you. Yes these are considered a whole ass step bc they are.

Step 5. Go through and accept all the edits and write down things to do as they come up.

Skip that "read your edits first!" bullshit, you won't, you'll just get stressed, then you gotta reread it all over when you actually start editing. Dive right into dipping your toe in. DO NOT start fully editing. Look at each revision and decide if it's a Quick Fix (i.e. click "accept change" in Word) or a Task. If it's a Quick Fix, go ahead and do it. If it's a Task, even if it's just revising a singular sentence, write it in your notebook. Don't worry about an order/priority/anything, just write everything down. If you're doc is longer than a few pages (mine is 26 so...yeah) write down the page number along with the Task.

Step 6. Organize your Tasks.

Now you have gone through your whole doc and there's no little spelling errors, grammar mistakes, or simple edits to make. And most importantly, you have a list of bigger edits to do, start to group the Tasks. This is when it starts to get super individualized (to you, your paper, and your mood). I start with going through and marking with a line anything I am in the mood for, can do, or should do today (or first, and by first I mean "now" vs "ehhhh later").

Step 7a. Go through your marked Tasks and make more marks.

Only focusing on the initially marked Tasks, start to group them into stuff you can do together. For me, this is any simple info that needs to be inputted or sentences that need editing. My dash next to these Tasks gets turned into plus mark. Note this is the simplest edits I will need to make. You can also designate the initial dash to be its own grouping, but it should naturally end up like that at the end.

Step 7b. Go through marked Tasks again and do the same thing with a different grouping.

Relooking at my dashed Tasks, excluding my + Tasks, I make more groupings. Now it's more time consuming stuff like finding more resources, or rereading sources to be able to accurately edit the sentence. This new group now get more lines to be an asterisk!

Step 7c. Make even more marks!

Can your Tasks be further grouped??? Probably! If you have a short paper, maybe you only have like two groupings, but maybe you have like 5. Who knows! Get creative with your marks! The Tasks I'm designating as last/a lot of work and comprehension are an asterisk with a circle around them. If it's been a few weeks since you asked for edits, you probably will need to work A LOT harder on paragraph and key sentence revisions if you out those first than if you put them after you've been immersed in your topic for a couple hours.

Step 7d-z. Keep making groupings depending how many Tasks you have. I'd suggest keeping it to 2-5 Tasks per group so it's manageable but not excessive. For this particular round of edits, I have 5 groups and that's perfect.

Step 8. Find the easiest/quickest group and do all those Tasks.

My first grouping I made of sentence edits will be the easiest I think, so I'll do that first! If you're motivated and inspired to do a harder group, go for it! But again, do something that will allow you to start really working without being overwhelmed.

Step 9. Cross off all the First Group Tasks you've done!

Yes this is its own step! Cross them all off! You did a good job! Erase them! Get a Sharpie and black that line out of existence! Yay!

Step 10-?. Keep doing the Tasks in each group until you're out of groups and Tasks!

Step 11-?. Cross off the groups and Tasks! Seeing your progress visually makes a big difference! You got this!

Step 12. Read over any non-task comments your teacher/mentor has made and/or your entire paper. Make sure everything makes sense!

Step 13. Save the doc with the date you finished your edits (or fudge it and say sorry forgot to send it to you lol) and send it back to your teacher/mentor (if applicable; if you only get one round and it's not a proposal or something then you'd just submit it). In your email, briefly go over what you did. This is when grouping tasks really comes in handy because I can reference "oh yeah all these edits were x type of edits" and I can say "I accepted all your in-text edits and made the sentence changes you suggested. Additionally, I added abc sources and rearranged the order of the paragraphs specified." This also avoids your mentor re-reading everything and giving you MORE edits on everything (bc they will; this round my mentor is editing his own words from past sentence edits at various places lol) and just focusing on the key changes you made and need feedback on.

Step 14. Take a nap! Seriously! Reward yourself for doing such a Big Thing and take a break! Don't immediately go onto the next assignment, make sure your brain separates *chunk of edits* from *other simpler assignments* so it isn't mentally a whole block of *work*.

I hope this helps somewhat??? Or someone can reference this when coming up with a way to tackle feedback that works for them. I'm starting grad school next year (hopefully) which will actually be a reduction in long-term research projects lmao but I will be having more Giant papers that will receive feedback. Having a system, or knowing options is so incredibly helpful for me because when I read what other people do I can be like "nope not doing that" and it can help narrow down what would work for me. Most importantly, just break up your work into a lot of different sections! It helps with (poor) executive functioning, motivation, and brings it out visually so you can mentally tackle what you're doing instead of "ahhh ~lots of edits~"

[meditating-dog-lover]

Health and Fitness Update (05/09/2021)

So I had a much better week this time.

I finished my classes and my exam, so now I never have to go back to school ever again.

This took a giant load of stress off my back, it genuinely did. My life is headed in a positive direction. I am so happy and relieved, I feel like I can smile and breathe again. I feel less miserable.

I feel like I can dedicate more time to my personal health now. This includes better sleep, better scheduling, physical care, self-care, etc... I have many improvements to make, I'm definitely looking forward. I might even consider going to a spa. There should be a good one in the new area I'm moving too. Less screen time is another big one. I feel like this past year aged me a lot, I need to take it easy and slow down.

I still have my thesis left, but to be honest I am almost done. All I need to do is write my Powerpoint, get that and my thesis reviewed, submit those and present. I've presented slides a handful of times before so it shouldn't be a big deal. Since I'm way less stressed now, this won't be much of a bother for me. And after that, I get to leave my lab and take a breather. I worked so hard on this and I am so exhausted.

I am moving to a house in a month. I am definitely looking forward. It's in a very nice area. I haven't lived in a comfortable house since 2009 so I'm happy to be able to live in one now! The driving in that area isn't as crazy as it is here, so I'll be doing a lot of that once I move. I'll have way more time to do that since I have much less work to do.

I also get to see my grandma in a few months, and I really can't wait. I miss her so much and I haven't seen her since 2 Decembers ago because of COVID. I've also been spending a lot of time with my dad and I am so happy about that.

I feel like I can go back to my old self-care routine and go back to enjoying the cute fun stuff I used to enjoy like reading, writing, history, arts, music, old movies, etc... I definitely lost interest in these things. I know losing interest in the stuff you love is a sign of depression. However I cannot make that conclusion about myself since I was never diagnosed by a medical professional. But I certainly know that I was feeling super miserable. Thankfully I am starting to feel better.

I am getting my second vaccine shot on the 19th. 2 weeks from then I can wear my mask less often which is great.

I have my dentist appointment in a few days. To be honest, I got the hang of taking better care of my teeth. Eat less refined sugar, eat more fat soluble vitamins, eat more minerals, drink water in between meals, take a supplement, brush, use mouthwash, floss, and sleep well. I just need to find a good long-term toothpaste and learn to breathe from my nose while sleeping. Going to the dentist every six months helps too.

I am slimming down more and more each day. I found a super healthy approach to health and fitness since January. I eat foods I really enjoy and foods that taste great. I learned to cook and bake, which itself is a form of art. I just make sure to eat balanced and to take it easy on sugar and fat. In terms of exercise, I found that a balanced routine works - cardio (both LISS and HIIT) and strength training (bodyweight and weight lifting) does the trick. I am going to start exercising 3x a week rather than 4 because 4 is a lot. Plus I'll do 1x bodyweight, 1x HIIT , 1x weight lifting, and several times per week walking (whenever I can really). I'm going to keep this up, but I definitely found a balanced, solid and longterm plan I can stick to. I am so happy. Months from now I'll be at my target.

Another goal I have is to slim down my calves since they are muscular. The only way you can slim down muscle is to stop using that muscle group. I'm going to stick to workouts that don't overwork my calves and I will avoid those that overwork them. I'll definitely create a list post on here of exercises I feel cause bulkiness. I think my calves bulked from doing a lot of strenuous walking. But slowly and surely I'll figure it out. I like Rachael Attard's program because her goal is to slim down legs. I'll definitely draw some tips and pointers from her.

So overall, I'm headed towards a positive direction. And I am so happy about that. I've been feeling so miserable since November/December but I am getting better now. There are other areas in my life I need to improve, but these are the main ones.

I hope the rest of my spring and my summer work out in my favor, I know they will. I also want to look into clothes and makeup too.

~HEALTH IS WEALTH~

[madeleine-bo]

Just realised it's been two years almost exactly since the last time I wrote anything and I feel so guilty about it even though the past two years have really being all about surviving

But now I'm weirdly starting to think about writing again and it's so wild, I have a fricking MFA in Creative Writing and yet I'm here going oh my god it's been too long, can I still do it? Am I even allowed to?

The worst thing is that I still love the novel I was working on for my thesis but it's been two years and I'm such a different person from who I was back then that I really don't know whether I'll ever be able to pick it up again and finish it

As a way to ease myself into writing again I'm working on a webcomic because, ya know, it's only half writing lol

I guess what I'm saying is if there's anyone out there still following this kinda-dead blog, expect some vague comic related content in the future maybe perhaps possibly

The comic I'm working on is called To Carry The Sun and it's a Slice of Life story about overcoming trauma, found families, and queer identities

What are you folks working on?

[the-cemetery-researcher]

Today's update 21/01/2022

The update today might be shorter than yesterday. I didn't make a huge amount of progress with the thesis today because I had to go into the Jewellery Quarter to sort out a key and a few other bits...like making sure any wooden snowflakes left from Christmas got removed from the cemetery! There were about 30 left from of over 200 - that means nearly all of them went home to people's Christmas trees. That made me smile. Of course when I was there I bumped into everyone and couldn't help but stick around for a bit to catch up. It really feels like home, and it's hard to be away, especially with the uncertainty if I'll get to come back or not.

I also did some of the project things that are still outstanding. A few emails, a couple of quick tasks - like fixing a blog post which had broken images so hadn't been published. I also made a simple 10 minute video for a university group about the cemeteries - and putting it together felt really smooth and also took less time than I expected. Which is lucky really because the deadline for it was today... It's frustrating that I can do something like that and feel pretty competent and confident, but when I'm working on my thesis, I feel so out of my depth 50% of the time (when reading, writing etc.) and practically brain dead the other 50% (when I'm doing endless data entry).

This evening I finally finished sorting out all the photos I took at Highgate recently, and discovered I totally failed to get new pictures of the inscriptions on the side of one of the mausoleums which is really annoying. I might email the cemetery and beg the team to take some for me? Maybe one of the volunteers would be happy to wrestle their way through the hedge with a camera? Other than that, I've got them all sorted out now, which should up the speed of the rest of the data entry. I think I'll take my laptop to the Coffin Works tomorrow and see if I can get anything done in quiet moments. I think I'll probably be OK as long as I don't try to drink a cup of tea while it's hot - that always seemed to be the cue for everything to go wrong at once when I worked there before.

I'm really looking forward to being back at the Coffin Works - even though I also feel a bit like it's my 1st day all over again! I don't know some of the newer volunteers yet and all the tech has had an upgrade!! Both exciting and terrifying! I just keep reminding myself that even though it was 2 years since I worked there properly, I've had my keys the whole time and have actually done quite a few tours and events! The most dangerous thing is operating the drop stamps and I did that before Christmas. You can clock out, but you can never leave.

Our builder came round today to prep for the work we are having done of the kitchen too - it's just a couple of minor updates really. The worktop has been badly scratched since before we moved in, and the work we had done to box in the pipes wasn't finished properly because of lockdown. I'm being restrained and getting slate effect rather than real slate for the worktop, and reusing the sink which is in ok condition. I did fancy an expensive ceramic one, but Mom pointed out the high likelihood of me chipping it when I'm flailing around and dropping pans. But I will be treating us to a new tap - oooh! It even has Victorian in the name!! I'm forever a cliche. We want to do a lot more work on this flat but the reality is, because it's a tiny one bed, none of it will add to the value very much. There's only so much anyone will pay for world tiniest maisonette. On a main road. In Warstock. Also, feels very risky when I'm unemployed, even though we have been saving up. I'm looking forward to having the kitchen look nicer though - it's the only room we didn't decorate when we moved in. I might even buy some paint next week and do the decorating in small bits when my brain melts from too much PhDing. Each wall in there is tiny, so 1 coat won't take long!! Maybe I'll even be able to cover the soy sauce stain the previous owners left on the ceiling for us...

[thisnerdsadventures]

a 2021 update

Ah, so I have forgotten to update in a million years, per usual

~ Random thought section ~

I woke up this morning and read this tweet thread about Alice Wu's director's note for her movie The Half of It. It's streaming on Netflix, and I highly encourage to go watch it, it's probably one of my favorite movies from the past few years. Anyways, she talks about how she produced the film while digesting the heartbreak of a friendship breakup - the whole thread hit me on a different level, but here's a quote that really hit home for me, especially a month from graduation: "The end of the film is each of their beginnings. And for my characters, I can think of no happier ending." We spend a lot of time worrying about the end of things and the uncertainty of things to come. Yet, there was a time where we worried about the exact same things for the very chapter we are now so nervous about leaving.

1. I'm nervous about leaving school and starting the..... rest of my life???

2. I'm nervous that my friends will slowly fade away. I'm nervous that they'll get on with their lives and I'll be slowly still trying to get my bearings, stuck in limbo.

3. I'm nervous that starting adulthood will be difficult because there are no more college orientations, no more awkward freshman dinners, perfect opportunities to meet new friends who are just as nervous as you are.

In writing this out, I felt a sense of deja-vu, like I had written these words before. So I just looked back at some of my posts right before entering college, and lo and behold:

08-18-2016: Today I said goodbye to one of my closer friends, and i realized that without even knowing it, Sunday’s party was the last time I would see some of my closest friends. It’s awful that way, that you don’t even know it’s the last time until it’s passed, and you’re left to pick up the the end of a chapter of a relationship from the scraps of an unexpected and improper farewell.

I feel like I’m in a weird twilight zone between college and high school where my present friends are all beginning to fade away to move on in their lives, and I’m yet to really meet anyone in my class yet, so at the moment,,,,,,there really isn’t anyone.

I wrote this less than a week from moving to Boston, and it's so shocking to me that I also experienced the "unexpected and improper farewell" part in senior year. It's almost the exact same thing that happened in COVID and is continuing to happen. You never know when the last time you might see someone might be, except instead of consolidated over the course of one pre-college summer, it's over the course of more than a year, the time that this pandemic has been going for.

And I hate that I said the "fade away and move on" thing verbatim, literally nearly five years ago. To be honest though, it's true, a lot of them did fade away and move on. But so did I, I wasn't left behind. To some extent, I was the one who did a lot of the moving away. And like many things in life, a couple of us continue to hang around, and maybe our friendships cycled in and out over college, but have come around again after a few years. I guess those are the ones that you know will stick around. The limbo period between chapters is a hard one, and it's nice to know that present-day me isn't the only one who has felt this. It's nice to know that past me met so many incredible people so fast, that I forgot this limbo period happened.

I know this part is getting a little long, but there's just a couple more snippets I want to share:

08-13-2016: I recently read Marina Keegan’s essay The Opposite of Loneliness, and one line resonated with me a lot: We’re so young. It seems silly and almost pretentious for me to think that this party would be so final, and yet it does, even though we have decades upon decades to build and connect or reconnect.

We’re so young, but that doesn’t stop the understanding that we are going to a new chapter in our lives and that it’s going to redefine our relationships. I hope it doesn’t change them too much.

I suppose much of the anxiety of going to college results from having to build my own community from the ground up again.... I tell myself the pieces will fall together and everything will be ok, but it doesn’t stop the increasing anxiety from, well, increasing.

I loved this collection of essays, if you haven't read it, I recommend you do. In moving around for so many years, I haven't been able to keep a lot of books in my possession, but I kept this one because that essay really hit home for me, and continues to, no matter what part of life I'm currently experiencing.

I think moving to college did change my relationships. But change is not a bad thing - your childhood friendships, the few of them that survive, end up strengthening and growing into adult friendships. And in the end, isn't that better than not changing at all? I'm hoping that a few of my college friendships will do that too - we'll go from college friends to family friends, and my kids will call them "Aunt" and "Uncle" and they'll grow up watching their parents talk for hours in the front yard before finally getting in the car and leaving for home.

08-13-2016: But hey, this is part of what I signed up for, I knew I wasn’t going to have much of an initial safety net, but I’m sure I’ll survive. We, as humans, always find a way to adapt right?

I think I survived and adapted. Not in the way I saw things going, but we can never really fully predict things, can we? One day, I'll learn to give myself a safety net for the next chapter, I'm sure. Today's not that day though.

Going back to her director's note, there was one more thing that just struck an emotional chord for me:

Fun fact, Alice Wu actually went to MIT for a bit before transferring to Stanford, and then she became a software engineer at Microsoft! I relate a little too much to her. Maybe one day I too will dump coding for my art form. But for now, in this above example, I relate far too much. I worked on my album, Imperfect, a little too obsessively this past winter while trying to digest the throes of heartbreak from one of my own friendships that ended. I still don't know if there was an ending for that friendship. I think I've spent a lot of time trying to put off the end, like a TV series that just keeps adding more and more seasons. Regardless of whether it needs to end or not (which I have not decided and will continue not to do so), I spent a lot of time thinking about who I was before and after that friendship, and I've concluded that a lot of who I am now, what my life looks like now is a result of that friendship. I'll give you a hint: I really like who I am now, compared to who I was before, and it showed me a lot of parts of life and friendship that I never expected would happen. That friendship was (is?) one of the most beautiful things that has happened to me in my life.

Let's finish off this reflective post with a quote from Khalil Gibran, that's kinda related to that point about how transformative the past can be, and how we're far better off in future chapters of our lives because of it.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

Again, if you haven't read his collection of poems, you should absolutely 100% drop whatever you're doing right now and do so! Wow, I really just assigned an entire reading list in this post.

I hope in making this movie, Alice found peace. I would hesitate to say that I found peace when making my album. I wrote a lot of songs about the heartbreak I felt from that whole experience. But the last song I wrote, "Best Friends," ends the whole thing on a positive note, that at the end of the day, I remember how my friends (past and present) literally saved my life and how things are looking a little better, and whatever happens, I hope my best friends will be there waiting for me, whoever they end up being.

- OK I PROMISE I DIDN'T SET OUT TO BE 100% SO EMO -

But yeah, I haven't really been doing much otherwise? I guess just tryna stay alive, I've been cooking a lot and cooking a lot of good good food, I did apply to an MBA program, I got my COVID vaccine (second shot this week!), I am excited to announce I am publishing a paper in my MEng lab, which is a really big accomplishment imo, I am thriving in my (1) econ class that I kept, even though I didn't realize we had readings assigned like for the past month, I went to try pastries from this Turkish bakery, I biked, probably, 15 miles over the past month, I've read at least 4 or 5 books this year so far, and am hoping to knock another one out today. Currently dying because trying to finish my thesis in like . a week, which is looking a little challenging, but I'm sure it'll happen!!!??