#I don't want to hurt any of my transfemme friends or followers

[jules-hoard-of-stuff]

Back on here on my computer, where I can think a little clearer bc it's not on my phone all the time

I've been doing research into the word femboy because it's used positively some places and negatively other places. All kinds of different definitions have said that it can be used negatively... immediately followed up by "but some in the LGBTQ use the term to simply mean a feminine man, and use it as an identity, having turned the meaning from negative to positive."

So I'm. I'm confused

Is it bad, or isn't it? Can I use it, or can I not? It feels like the more I research, the less clear this issue gets. Slurs in general are a very muddy term, and some people use Queer, while others claim it as a slur. I even use queer and don't consider it as such.

So it's... What am I supposed to do if some people in the community appreciate the term, but others consider it bad?

[kawaiichibiart]

can i get ur hcs for mizuki's transistion and their struggles w/ it... im also nb and i love their story and i rly wanna see ur pov on it <33 :3 hamster face BLEEHH!!!

Yeah, I can go into my HCs for Mizuki's transition and the struggles they faced. (also let it be known as a Global player, I don't know everything about Mizuki or what has already been confirmed about their gender and/or relationship with her parents, nor can I really speak about being trans and how coming out or trying to suppress your gender identity can affect you, remember this is all my HC ^_^)

A tldr for anyone who doesn't want to read everything: Mizuki's transfemme nonbinary. When she was younger, she didn't see the things she liked as signs she was a girl, and was even encouraged to enjoy them. However, due to issues she faced in school, they began to suppress that side of them, and even tried to convince themselves that they were a boy. It was only after she ranted to Rui, her only friend in middle school, that he asked her about being trans. She did a lot of research and came out to her family, who signed her up to Kamiyama Highschool as a female student. Mizuki still struggles with her gender identity, mostly when people ask about it and push her for an answer. She eventually finds new friends and meets people, who like her, don't identify with their birth gender. And as time passed and she meets more people, she finally finds herself in a place where, maybe, just maybe, they can come out. And they do, not to everyone (though eventually they do find out, minus Rui who already knew, but we aren't counting him), but to one person: her girlfriend.

Starting off, I HC Mizuki as mtf/transfemme nonbinary. She mainly uses she/they pronouns and will later on experiment with more and use multiple, but she/they is your best bet if you've just met.

They always had a passion for cute things, if asked as kid, she'd say pastel pink was her favorite color. They loved watching their mom and sister dress up and make themselves look pretty. And she wanted to experience that. She even had them style her hair to be like theirs, and used Yuuki's clips and bracelets. It was fun and neither minded when she joined in. Their dad would even smile whenever she showed off the way her mom painted her nails or the jewelry Yuuki let them borrow.

She didn't think she was doing anything wrong until kids in their school began talking about it and avoiding them. Whispers about how she was a weirdo for liking girly things. What was she? A girl? "You can't be a girl, you're a boy, dummy!" And these kids eventually began to talk to their parents, and their parents sent in complaints. And before long, Mizuki had to stop coming to school with the things that made her happy.

But that did nothing. Kids still avoided her. The few who tried to play with them or talk with them, were pulled away, because they couldn't risk catching any weirdo germs from Mizuki. They wanted friends, right? Hanging out with her wouldn't make them friends.

And yes, there were some kids who didn't care. Who still spoke and hung out with them. But every year, they left. She'd see them the following year and they didn't talk to her. And it hurt. It hurt so much.

At one point, they began to wake up and try to reaffirm that they were, in fact, a boy. That one day, they'll wake up and be happy as their parents son and sister's brother. That she'll stop liking cute things and pastels and makeup and start liking things like working out, playing sports, darker and/or neutral colors. That she's just holding onto a phase. She stops borrowing her sister's jewelry. She stops asking her mom to make her look as pretty as she looks.

But she can't stop thinking about how uncomfortable she is. How she hates being called a boy. How being called "young man" makes her feel sick. They want nothing more than to wear the female uniform. That she could enjoy what she enjoyed without being judged for it.

Was it so wrong for her to like what she liked? To feel the way she did?

It's why meeting and befriending Rui was so important to them. Why their one year apart finalized the decision they were going to take.

Rui was the first person to connect with Mizuki in a way that others didn't. He was an outcast, much like she was. People thought he was weird and that his shows would bring more harm than good. And, okay, she can see why they'd be concerned, but surely Rui would listen to their concerns and be willing to make changed to ensure they were safe, right?

She could talk to Rui, he didn't judge her. He didn't tell her to stop whining, to stop crying. He listened day after day, until he asked the question:

Have you ever considered that you're trans?

No. No, she hadn't. Didn't everyone feel that way? Like they didn't belong in their bodies or that what they liked affected their gender? Pastels and makeup and clothing design are all, well, girly things, right?

Again, no. Rui loves makeup. He loves dressing up. He keeps his hair longer than most other boys because he likes how pretty he looks. But he never felt like a girl. He always felt like a boy. He just didn't like to be put into a mold. Gender non-conforming, as he puts it.

Could she be that? She could, but he can't really see her using that label. Not because of it's meaning, but because of what she's doing. Suppressing her real identity but trying to be the boy she never was. And, should she ever decide to embrace who she is, she likely won't want to use it and prefer being referred to as a feminine. He could be wrong, and he tells them that labels aren't necessary. That they can try them on, change them, and try them on again. But ultimately, it was her choice.

And she made her choice. She listened to her friend, who was off to highschool. She read and researched everything she could about being transgender. She listened to podcast, watched videos about transitioning.

If she cried as she struggled to come out to her parents, and later on her sister, well, no one had to know.

While it was too late to change things at her current school, she was immediately signed up as a girl in Kamiyama. When their uniform arrived, she tried it on immediately and felt their smile before they saw it. She was just, so happy.

That last remaining year was hard. She began to grow out her hair, she ignored the comments she got about it. She began to slowly incorporate the things she liked in her wardrobe again. She started designing again. And when she was gifted her first mannequin and sewing machine, she began to make her own clothes. Add things to her current clothing.

And then, her first year of highschool began. She felt nervous but overall, it was nice. She thinks maybe she can make friends with a girl named An. It'd be nice to have a friend outside of Nightcord, well, if they were even friends (she hopes they were friends). It was a pleasant surprise to see Rui was attending Kamikou. She thought he went to a different one (she's not sure if him being expelled is true or just a rumor).

But, some things didn't change. She still got comments about her appearance. About why they chose to wear what they wear. About why they didn't look like the other girls did. One person even motioned to their chest when they asked, which made her uncomfortable and desperate to leave. People pried and tried to get them to answer. And it became too much.

So, they began to cut class, some days they never even went to school. Her parents were concerned but they knew that things wouldn't be easy. That what Mizuki was going through would be difficult and face several hurdles, even after she fully transitioned. They would still get comments and they would get to her. So they laid off her skipping school. So long as she didn't fall behind, if she needed a day off, she could have a day off. If she needed either of them with her, they'll call off work. They just wanted her to be okay. To be happy. If it came down to it, they would pull her out of Kamiyama Highschool and enroll her into an online class.

Mizuki does, eventually, go back to Kamikou and is treated to the sight of one An Shiraishi digging into the students who had invaded her privacy, even while she was away. She watched and listened as her classmate tore into the boys and girls until a teacher stepped in. She blinked back her tears and thanked An out loud, laughing a bit when the other girl jumped and turned around to face her ("It was nothing!! I hate people like them, nosy and in everyone's business.").

An began to spend more time with her after that. Rui also spoke to her once he found the time, asking if she was alright, how she's been since he last saw her.

While her parents were the first she came out to, Rui was the first person to know. He just knew and it was very evident by the changes in her appearance. He's happy for her.

He admitted not knowing what to do when she was being questioned the way she was. He was still considered a weirdo, but at least he wasn't alone in that anymore. A boy in his year had asked him to join his theater troupe and he had accepted ("I think you should meet Nene and Tsukasa-kun, actually. They understand your situation and would be willing to listen! Tsukasa-kun can even introduce you to Aoyagi-kun, who would also be willing to talk.").

She did, eventually, meet the three.

First, was Nene. Rui's neighbor and childhood friend. A shy girl but nice once you got to know her. While Mizuki wasn't sure how to begin, Nene let her know she didn't have to say anything yet. Coming out was hard. Rui had been vague when talking about their problems. He only mentioned that she was a bit like her. And she could only guess it had to be something queer. And she wasn't going to make them say anything until they were ready. Something Mizuki was grateful for. And she told Nene that she didn't have to say anything, but Nene insisted. She wouldn't have offered to tell her if she wasn't actually ready to say anything.

She's a demigirl. For years, being a girl felt right and wrong. A part of her was girl. But that's it. Just a part. A small part as well. Another part of her felt like a boy at times, but the biggest part felt neutral. Like she didn't even have a gender. She tried different labels in the past (nonbinary, gender fluid, gender queer, trans, etc.). But demigirl felt right and like it aligned with how she identified. If and/or when Mizuki felt ready, she was ready to listen. And Mizuki does open up, not about her gender, but about her interest in girls, something Nene is also able to talk about.

She meets Tsukasa and Toya together. It's an... interesting dynamic, to say the least. They don't know who to talk to first, how to even approach the subject, when Toya speaks up ("Kamishiro Senpai said you wanted to speak with us. He didn't say why or what about, but would it help if I knew already?").

He knew already? Turns out Nene is his classmate. Unlike Nene, who was a bit more open about her gender, Toya was a bit more reserved. Not enough that he wouldn't tell her, but enough that he wouldn't get into details. He was also demigendered. It's one thing he and Nene bond over. He's a demiboy to be specific. Feels only partially like a boy, mainly neutral. Mizuki is one of the few to know (if she heard Tsukasa grumble about...Har...Haru...Hari....Haribo??? what did gummy candy have to with anything?). She promised not to tell anyone.

She then turned to Tsukasa and asked if he minded telling her about his own identity and the labels he used. And he surprised her the most when he admitted to not using any. He didn't see the need to use them. If someone wanted to be with him, they had to accept who he was. His sister is like him in that regard. Neither of them care about labels, just about how people treat them. To them, clothes are clothes. Anyone can wear makeup. His sister, Saki, enjoyed being called handsome and young man, but she didn't label herself as anything that would indicate she was a boy, because she wanted to be known as Saki first and foremost. He loved dresses and gowns and owned several crowns and tiaras, but he wasn't identifying himself as anything other than his name and as a "WORLD FUTURE STAR!!"

Next to Rui and An, Tsukasa is the one Mizuki turns to the most. Rui has known for years, even before she acknowledge it. He was the safest person to talk to. While An didn't know, she was proving to be a good friend, listening as she ranted about whatever annoyed her and offering comfort whenever their classmates words stung. But Tsukasa was different in the fact he didn't care. It wasn't a big deal to him. She liked girls? Cool, his sister is dating her childhood friend, who is also a girl, and he's happy for the two. He admits to being somewhat interested in Rui (Oooooohhh~ "DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO HIM!") Sometimes Mizuki asked him about how he got to where he was. She didn't say outloud, but she wondered if he also went through something like she did. And in a way, he did. But where she has struggled to accept herself and tried to force herself into a mold she couldn't fit, he just, didn't have anyone. His sister as in the hospital and his parents spent most of their time either working or with her. He didn't have anyone to talk about it with. He was loud and obnoxious, surely she's heard the rumors going around ("Yeah, when are you and Rui blowing up the school again, I wanna ditch that day, thanks!")? He didn't really have friends until now, and the very, very, few he did, he didn't really see. Toya knows because he's his brother ("SINCE WHEN?!"), but beyond that? No one found out until very recently. And he's not ashamed about, and she shouldn't either. Like everyone else, he'll wait for her. And she honestly didn't think she would ever tell anyone other than Rui, and maybe An, sooner rather than later, but Tsukasa might be up there...("It's the older brother thing. He feels safe and comfortable," Toya would later tell her. Huh, she never saw it like that, but yeah, it did kinda feel like when her sister was home, like she was safe and cared for.)

And later on, months later after helping Mafuyu, both in terms that of saving them and helping them accept their own gender identity, she sits in her room and thinks about everything.

An, who jumped in to defend her whenever she could.

Nene and Toya, who were almost two sides of the same coin and opened up to her first without wanting or making her do the same.

Akito, who got into a fight because he heard people talking badly about them.

Tsukasa, who listened and offered his own experiences, somehow being the one she can relate to the most, despite how different they were in terms of experiences.

Kanade, who liked her for her and didn't ask her things.

Mafuyu, who became the first person Mizuki gave the advice once given to her. The first person she was able to help in terms of gender identity.

Rui, the person who was first to help her. To help her realize what she had been forcing away, hiding from sight. The person who she still thanked for being her first real friend.

Ena. Ena, whom she loves and began loving more when she said she would wait for them. No matter how long she took, no matter how much time passed by. She would wait. She would wait for Mizuki and be ready. She wasn't going to push her. She didn't care if it took months or years. She would wait for her.

After months of knowing her friends, finding things out about them, seeing them come out and be accepted, after finally, FINALLY, feeling safe enough to open up, that they decide it was time.

She was ready. They could do this. She could tell them. They've shown her they cared. They would never share anything she didn't feel comfortable with, what they did share was kept vague and open. They didn't mention her name unless they were talking to someone who already had an idea (aka someone in the friend group).

She sent the message before she could back down.

It was finally time to talk with Ena.

Some bullet notes:

I want Mizuki's parents to be accepting of who they are. I want them to see their daughter struggling and be okay with them skipping school. To see their child needs help and are willing to give them that help.

I think that, had they not forced themself into a mold, she wouldn't have gotten dysphoria. At least not bad dysphoria. But because she pushed herself into being a boy, it got worse and worse.

The sad thing about Mizuki's classmates when she was a kid, was that a good chunk of them also wanted to wear pretty things to school, but when their parents found out Mizuki was a "boy" they sent in complaints. They felt like she was "tainting" their kids. And they forbade their children from speaking with her. It didn't matter if she was a child, it was "unnatural for a young boy to mese around with things for little girls. Best have him learn not to use that stuff or else he'll become...one of them." And what's even worse is that many of them got into their kids heads, ultimately leaving Mizuki friendless until they met Rui in middle school and later on Nightcord, and An in highschool.

I honestly feel that Tsukasa would be the one Mizuki relates to the most in terms of their gender identities. Not because they're the same, but because they genuinely understand each other. Neither of them had friends until they met Rui and their respective group members. Both were seen as annoying and as someone you didn't want to be around. The first people they came out to were their families. Mizuki had a bit more time helping her family adjust and learn, while Tsukasa's family was still learning. And, as Toya mentioned, and later on Kanade (which she still doesn't get how that happened, it doesn't help that Kanade insists the Tenmas found her wandering in the park and decided to keep her, but whatever, she knows it was probably something else), it was the big brother thing. He feels safe, and that's enough to make Mizuki feel comfortable confiding in him.

Rui knowing Mizuki was trans before they knew is a nod to my headcanon of Mizuki knowing they liked Tsukasa before he knew (and Tsukasa confirming he liked Rui didn't exactly help, because she couldn't just tell him, she tried once, pointing out how close they were and Rui kept saying Tsukasa had to have meant it as friends, MEIKO save her...)

Mizuki does come out as transfemme nonbinary. Her parents do well to help her adjust when they do. It takes a while before they and her sister can remember her pronouns and name. But they make effort and will start over if they accidentally refer to her by their birth name or by masculine pronouns and/or terms.

Mizuki crying while she comes out is something that comes out of a combination of fear and feeling like a disappointment. They're afraid that not only will her parents reject her, but that they will hate them for taking their son away. Same goes for her sister. She thought she'd hate them for taking away her little brother. It wasn't just ugly crying, she was trembling and having a near panic attack while she tried to come out. She was apologizing over and over, even after being reassured that they still loved them. That being Mizuki and not her old name was okay. They didn't hate her. That they were so proud of her telling them, and how they would have waited for her to be ready, if she had needed more time.

↑ this is mainly the reason why Mizuki didn't come out when Nene, Toya and Tsukasa did. While she wanted to someday, she didn't want to experience that again. To feel like she was ready just to burst into tears and struggle to breath as she told them. It was one of the first things her parents made them promise. That if they thought they were ready but not actually, they would wait until they were in a place where they mentally and emotionally could handle it. Yes, her self identity is important, but it's not worth her health if coming out causes her to feel so, well, afraid.

All of Mizuki's friends will jump in to defend them. Both in class and out. It's what made the decision to come out to them so easy in the end.

Mizuki did consider coming out to everyone at once, but decided last minute there was one person she wanted to tell in person. Only one person. And that was Ena. And yes, she did cry when she did. Yes, it was ugly and the feeling of possibly being rejected, losing the love of their life, hurt. But like her parents, like Yuuki, Ena reassured her. Reminded them that she loves them. That she would always, always, wait for her. She loves her. She loves them. She loves them, she loves them, she loves her.