#I dont want to lose them. ultimately. but I'm more scared of ME losing them but the rest of the system ignoring things being wrong.

[spade-club]

I... hate what my life has become. I am so tired. I am spending the first bit of free time without my partner ive had in weeks sitting here being upset about them instead of being able to enjoy my freedom from them because I know this wont last forever. It'll hardly last two more hours. And I still wont have the fucking conversation with them when they come home because chances are I wont be here and no one else will. That or they'll come home in a mood and I wont want to make shit worse. Its just... unending. All I want to do is make ground rules for if they want to talk to other people & let them know that it did upset me that they went off and did things before the rules were clear with two different people without even telling me. One of those people being their roommate.. I guess ex roommate now. They moved in to our house because their old roommate, after sleeping with them many times, was being a huge fucking dick and I decided to be their safe haven from him??? As if like, them making bad decisions with him wasnt the whole problem right now anyways. Not my problem to fix, but here I am living with them and being miserable all the time now because of it. Like. Yeah, move in with me and my twin bed knowing full well you have no intention of sleeping anywhere else and I have complained to you before, many times, about how hard it is for me to sleep well with you in such a small bed. And then they get mad at me if I fall asleep on the couch. Theres. No. Winning. And I just have to endure this. As if its not my fucking life too. I was here all the time before this. But now I can hardly stand to be around anymore. It's just. Exhausting.

[spacedlexi]

Hi Lexi

What do you think of partially blinded Vi? You never seem to draw her that way, and I kind of just wanted to know what do you think of it as a certified Vi lover.

I personally think that while something like this can be "cool" (as in, being beneficial to the character design), it's handled quite poor for Vi and it just looks a bit... ungrateful. Simply doesn't look good, doesn't fit her personality or character (am I missing something?) and it doesn't seem to fit or suit her...unlike Kenny's iconic eyepatch. To me, it has become a pivotal thing in his design to a degree in which Kenny with both eyes seems a bit odd looking. I see it as a symbol which stands for Ken being a martyr and all he's lost and sacrificed. He is all about family and helping those he loved, his loved ones truly were the "apple of his eye". It all makes sense, doesn't it?

But for Vi, it's excatly the opposite. I'm just so sorry to see her like this. 😭😭😭 I don't think it makes sense in any way. Louis losing his tongue because he's so talkative and "won't shut up" does kind of make sense, but I cant help but see Violet losing sight as kind of lazy writing. "We need something bad happening to her!!! suffer the children!!!'- the writers exclaimed.

i think vi losing her eyesight is incredibly impactful on her character and i honestly dont understand why some people say its lazy writing. especially since it was foreshadowed multiple times. vi losing her eyesight i think is even more impactful on her character than louis losing his tongue because at least louis still has his music to express himself and uplift spirits through (and its not like he cant communicate At All. his note still makes clem laugh). the reason i dont draw blind vi very often is because of how sad it is to me. for multiple reasons

violets whole thing is wanting to be able to protect the people she cares about, and feels immense grief and guilt about the times she feels shes failed them (thinks if she had been there with the twins that day that she couldve done something to save them. feels she failed everyone taken by the raiders. is scared of failing clem too "if something happened to you because of me? i cant lose you too. i wont". its why she cant leave minnie after shooting her. and a kidnapped vi attacks clem because she doesnt want anyone else to get hurt. hell it even ties back to her grandma and feeling guilty about not doing anything for her)

so for her to lose her eyesight? she took pride in her ability to fight and now she cant do that anymore. cant protect the people she loves. and as someone who started the season as an isolated loner, it forces her to rely on those around her for help, stripping her of her independence (and her independence is what allowed her to stand up against the group for clem when it came to the marlon situation in ep2). a blinded vi is forced into accepting community, whereas a saved violet accepts it on her own. her and clem turn ericsons into the home violet could never see it as

the other reason blind vi makes me so sad is that it is Directly a result of clems actions. kidnapped vi had nothing and wanted nothing to do with the bomb, and yet shes the ONLY ONE who gets hurt by it. clem choosing to let vi be taken means clem both breaks her heart, and then burns out her eyes. louis and his tongue is between him and lilly and was a choice THEY each made outside of clems direct influence (even if it was clem who inspired him to speak up, it is ultimately his choice to keep talking, and lilly hurts him for it. its sad he gets punished for a character moment, but clem had no direct hand in him losing his tongue. its why hes not angry to see her in the cell. he doesnt blame clem for what happened), but the way vi is feeling in that cell is DIRECTLY due to clems actions. vi feels like clem abandoned her after she had put herself on the line for her multiple times. she always had clems back but clem didnt have hers. clem is the one who planted the bomb and vi gets caught in the blast. clem hurts her emotionally And physically. and vi apologizes for getting upset (she tries to apologize on the beach too before theyre forced out in the cart, so she felt wrong for those actions immediately even tho they were understandable. lilly and minnie used her moment of weakness to get in her head. she just wanted everyone to be safe)

kidnapped blinded vi is just so incredibly sad to me, especially when you compare her to a fully realized violet. a violet who has come into herself, has confidence, has opened up, has stopped pushing people away out of fear and lets herself love again. shes a leader. a fighter. a protector. and those are all things a blinded violet loses

neither vi losing her eyes or louis losing his tongue is supposed to add anything to their characters. its about what theyve lost. both of them have important parts of their identity stripped away from them after being taken by the delta. its supposed to be sad. heartbreaking. regrettable. unfortunate. they have not gained anything by their time at the delta, only lost important parts of themselves to it

[indigo474]

Jan 21,2024

My Mom tells this story about how when i was a little girl i was perfect- when she would take care of me by wiping my hands and face i knew how to hold my hands perfectly. When she would take care of other kids they just didn't do it the way i did. I was by all accounts the perfect little girl. I have no doubt that her story is true. I was scared of being hit for not being perfect. I was terrified of my Mom- I also loved her deeply. I'm sure it only took me not holding my hands correctly a few times for me to figure out how she wanted me to hold my hands. I hate when my Mom tells this story.. she doesnt understand what she is saying. I do. I was the perfect little girl.. seen and not heard and honesty i dont think the adults in my life really saw me. My mom started her shit with me again.. it started last weekend with the NY trip.. I sent her pictures and immediately she asks me if i went to NY with Aunt Joanne.. No,i didnt. No other questions. we text back and forth and i call her last night. As soon as she answered the phone I knew i had made a mistake. I tried to hang up with her.. I asked her to call me when it was a better time for her. We speak a little and she is in one of those moods where she asks me a question but doesnt let me respond.. so i say hey you wont let me talk.. she hangs up and i feel that familiar feeling in my heart..hurt. she sends me text messages ultimately blaming me for her actions and the cycle goes on and on. i should no better than to call her. i should no better. the good new is, the hurt is one of those real quick hurts- like a sharp stabbing pain that goes away real fast. The text messages,i glanced at them but not much time was spent even looking at them and absolutely no response was given.. i am not interested in fighting that fight.

Ive been meditating-this week- and i can feel a difference... i'm faster to recognize an intrusive thought and bring myself back to now... Here NOW.. Mads and I had a week. she got on me about not getting a loaf of bread. I don't eat it and didn't know she needed it and things spiraled from there. there is no reason she cant get her own bread. her own food. I'm over this weather. OVER the cold, snow, wind... I am trying my best to embrace where i am... where i live.. the climate.. i know it will pass.. i know Spring is so freaking close.. i know all of this.. and it took my whole life up until now to find out that there is a name for the sun rays that as a child i thought meant there were souls going up to heaven.. there is an actual name.. crepuscular rays.. and i am starting to rethink my stance on being a sunrise person.. maybe sunsets are more beautiful? Maybe i haven't seen enough of either to make a decision. I wrote another poem. I had an idea for another poem but didn't write it down. i went and got eye glasses- ive needed them since i was 6.. i'm not sure i am going to wear them now, but i do need them to drive at night in the rain.I started reading the Brittany Spears book. Along with the Gita.. balance.. I had to order checks.. I have enough to last the rest of my life. its the first time in my life i have checks in just my name.. i lifted heavy this week. the hex bar rips my hands up. I had to hold the straight bar different this week.. i could feel it rolling out of my hands. I need to run.. need some sort of cardio. I never ever thought i would be standing in a room with men talking about my weight. I told them i wanted to lose 20 lbs.. Joey tells me that's a lot.. James tells me to aim for 5lbs at a time.

[mswrld]

december 8 2021

Why do I feel like my life is over at age 22? When I was staring at the sugary glazed ‘23’ on my best friend's birthday cake the only thing I was thinking about was the grotesqueness of growing old. Of aging. The inevitability of lights going out. The moment the drop just stops. The fragility of life. Mortality.

Perhaps it's losing a year.. Two years? Who can even track the beginnings and ends of the life-sucking pandemic. Anyway. One day I was 20, or I was 21. Well, technically, I was 20 turning 21. I guess when I type it all out it doesn't feel that long. But perhaps it's this exact ambiguity of my early 20s in the shadow of a pandemic which has made me feel this way. Maybe it's the way that when I look back on my life thus far all I can remember is climbing and climbing and editing and researching and assignment submissions. For what? 

These days I afford rent by making overpriced espresso drinks for my entitled peers. Do they too mourn their youth while sipping their $7 oat milk cappuccinos? God, I'm bitter. The money is not so bad. I guess the millennials prepared us zoomers for the impossibility of ever being a homeowner. Except when I check my email and am reminded of my student loan forgiveness period ending. Wasn't Biden supposed to at least give us that? Or was it gun reform? Tell that to those kids out in Ohio. Was it Ohio? It was Michigan. I looked it up.

What is there left to climb, to strive for, without the structure of school work and finals and A’s. More like A minuses in my case. Not like that matters much now. I am 22 and I am scared. God I am terrified.

I’ve been plagued by nightmares lately. Not just bad dreams. Nightmares. I think we've lost the nuance of verbage. The nuance of language. Is this the fault of social media? Of being forced to condense the multitudes and dualities of human experience into 140 characters or less. Just to be lost in the platitudes of others and ultimately be ratio’ed by something with a bit more....Wit.

I dont think I'm witty. Sarcastic? Definitely. Intelligent? I’ll give myself that one too. But wit? That is something I don't think I have. 

So what is there left to strive for. I'm not quite witty enough for fleeting internet fame. Hardly talented enough for the finer creatives. And as aforementioned, social media has deprived humanity of any shred of an attention span, so I can’t even be a writer. I always wanted to be a writer.

It's easy to blame social media, isn’t it? I am not one to do so, but I guess this manifesto has left me standing corrected. 

So what is to blame? The government? Obviously. But the appeal of anarchy has also lost its nuance. In the past year, two years..? Oh who fucking cares. We’ve watched fascism, xenophobia, an attack on the capital, and the daily fear of domestic terror rip through our social media feeds. Just for some guys from coney island shouting BING BONG to hold more of a grip on our culture.

I do think I am a bit of a nihilist. Maybe a bit of a cynic. Or a maybe im pessimist. Can you be both?

My coworker. He's 34. He just had a baby. His wife is 41. They met on Tinder. “Back when Tinder was taboo.” Tinder used to be taboo?

 I asked him if he's a nihilist. He laughed.

 “Don’t laugh! I know what it is, I have just never pronounced it out loud!” 

 “nai·uh·luhst” he corrected me.

 Not niHILLest. Noted. Got it. Anyway,

He is. He is a nihilist. I don’t mean to sound morbid. Not in the midst of the cafe buzz. Not while cups with the various types of alternative milks scribbled on them are stacking up next to the espresso machine. Can you even call them milks? Wasn't there a lawsuit about that? 

I feel bad for farmers. But I also feel bad for cows. I drink almond milk. Can you still call it that? 

The internet says my fear of death could be because of its taboo in society. In our society. But is it? I think it's not taboo. It's just, as all things in this web of information (shit, no pun intended) lost its nuance.

“If someone did that to me i’d kill them” 

“id die for those shoes”

“im dying laughing” 

“you're dead to me.” 

seems to me like we talk about death quite often.

The Internet also posits that it is when we lose someone close to us, we ponder our own mortality. Brittany died two years ago. Almost exactly. Last year the anniversary slipped by me. I was drunk. Wine drunk. I had an exam the next day. I was sad. Those statements could be applied to many other days in my past 22 years. This year I feel scared. I haven't had an exam in nearly a year.  I don't feel sad. And I'm quitting the vape. I really am this time. I even told my dad about it. I'm quitting cause Kyle has cancer. Shit. Kyle has cancer. It’s in his lungs. It's also in his bones.

Writing this felt good. Should I tell my dad that too? Maybe I can be a writer after all.

Friday night I was downtown. They say you’re a local in a city after 5 years. This is my fifth year in the city. That was my first time in this neighborhood. I met some guy named Jim. Jim's from the UK. He’s here for filming. A netflix series. Well, it's on amazon prime right now. But Netflix just bought it. Take that Jeff Bezos! He was friendly but not in a weird way, and he sang a karaoke song. No one else knew the words.

He told me I should write. So thanks, Jim. I’m gonna try. 

[theambitiouswoman]

Hi!! I’ve seen you post about being submissive and I’d like to know your position on it.

I like the idea of being submissive but in a place where it’s safe to be. But what do you think?

I mean, I have seen several intelligent, successful women, etc. who would like to be submissive with their partners 🤔✨ but the question is “why?”.

Thank you and have a wonderful day 💕✨

this is honestly a great question.

there are obviously different types of women, so my advice is based on my personal opinion.. and psychology books.

generally, i am not a submissive person. that's greatly in part because i bring everything to the table. so when it comes to guys, i can not date a guy who i overpower. i don't like weak emotional men. i find it very unattractive. i like men who i can look up to, and respect. a man that i trust to lead. which means, they are stronger, smarter, more successful than me etc.

i don't want to be dominant in my day to day and then come home and be dominant too. the man needs to play his part.

i've mostly dated men who i overpower. i liked that they were emotional and nurturing at that point in my life. i realize now that it was based on my own personal issues and trauma. i was scared to be emotional. i wasn't nurturing because i was hurt and guarded, so i wanted men to have that quality. but ultimately it didn't work out because they weren't men i respected.

if you notice, most women date men who they can look up to and admire. men who bring more to the table than them. most women also, don't work, have careers or businesses either. so its easier to be impressed by a "successful guy" when you don't bring the same things to the table.

so when you have a woman who does, its harder to find a guy because most women get stuck on the stage i mentioned prior to and are stuck on being dominant and proving how independent and successful they are. again, i've been there and we're all on our journey so i don't criticize this, i'm just stating the logic behind it.

men by nature are providers. hence why they are more inclined to date women who they can feel in complete control of. these women will also move heaven and earth for the guy to not lose them. vs a woman who knows what she brings to the table, wont tolerate alot of disrespect. guys will settle with a woman who is obsessed with them, but they wont settle down until they feel they are the men they want to be.

no matter what a woman does for a living, how much she makes etc, she still wants to be loved and taken care of. these things dont equal emotional satisfaction. all these "im independent dont need a man women" are basically just hurt women who have a hard time trusting men and their defenses are out. no one wants to be alone and everyone wants to be loved lol

so, no matter how much money i can make or businesses i have, i still want to find a man who can be my partner. not just in my life taking up space. i want to go home and take care of my man and my home. and know that my man can take care of me. i want to be loved, admired and respected. and i want someone i could feel the same way about. ive dated guys who weren't and i was so miserable and didn't leave because they were obsessed with me, but ultimately brought nothing to the table and little by little i realized how much i was limiting myself just by having them in my life.

you cant force yourself to be submissive, if you want to or not. the right person will bring out those qualities in you. you haven't felt this way, or you don't trust it, because you haven't met a guy who is strong enough for you to feel safe around.

[peachie5000]

*sighs* yatora for the ask game

send me a character and i’ll list: favorite thing about them *points* art student *points gay art student with relatable portfolio grind* I love his struggles they're so RAW

least favorite thing about them

HE WORE THAT BEANIE AND GLASSES LOOK AND NOW I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT HE PULLED OUT A BANGER LOOK AND WILL NEVER WEAR IT AGAIN

favorite line

ooogh its funny cause I do think yatora has some amazing lines but some of my favourite favourite involving him are usually said to him when he's at his lowest not something he said... Probably "I'm actually scared of drawing"

or if we're going full yatoyota - "I like you, Yotasuke-kun, but I also hate you so much it makes me feel sick"

brOTP

Can I put murai here and in the ship category cause my god

OTP

Yatoyota, but also murai x yatora

Yatoyota is way more canon supported and ultimately makes me brain worm bc of their interactions but the gremlin part of my brain thinks that murai and yatora would be a steamroller unstoppable power couple and also the type of partner yatora would be supported the most by

nOTP

i guess yatora and miki? Love her but their dynamic works well as friends tbh.

random headcanon

Yatora would definitely like Eizouken if he was ever persuaded into anime but it would take like. miki begging him to watch it first - he'd actually probably go for something shounen-y or gundam themed as his first anime is he ever went there. Overall I dont know if he would be a big otaku though - just picking and choosing series that interested him.

unpopular opinion

I want to see him screwing around more because as much i love when he paints and angsts seeing his mask and duties to being responsible slip off more when he's spending time with friends is always so cathartic

song i associate with them

OOOO "i bet on losing dogs" by mitski

favorite picture of them

ooOOGOGHGHHGKDLH;GAD don't mind me yatora my beloved

oooo you wanna read blue period so bad OOOO

[slasher-trasher]

Hi 👋

Could you do one were the reader (preferably female if you don’t mind) who is an immortal witch

🌸The last one had me all sad reading how the slasher were scared of losing their partner 😭. Could you do a thing we’re the witch can make potions that make you you young again or something like that🌸

A/N: Hey anon, of course I can, notfications have been dead so im glad i'm still having requests :D I hope you don't mind but i changed it to where they just live forever instead of being young, like it stops growth and stuff?

Slashers x F! Reader who's an immortal witch

Warnings: bl00d, murd3r, sw3@r!ng, @bus3 of power

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Michael Myers:

-He would not participate in any magic what so ever. It takes him wanting to still kill Laurie and want to stay alive to kill more people, before he will think of drinking a potion to make you immortal.

-Once he sees you making it, he's slightly disgusted, you expect him to eat that?!?!

-"Don't worry Michael! It'll stop growth and you'll be fine" you said to him cheerfully, if it means he can kill Laurie he will drink it.

-He eventually asks if you can make a potion to kill Laurie or curse her or something, you ultimately refuse, or you say yes, cause hey, why not?

Jason Voorhees:

-He's already immortal, but he loves watching you make potions and be so happy when one turned out correctly!

-He always goes and gets you supplies, he wants you to be safe, even if you had a protection spell he'd still want you to be safe

-You wanted him to try one of your spells and he techincally couldn't get killed so he thought, why not?

-Your face was precious, and he loved it, he enjoyed every second with you

Freddy:

-He would abuse this power, no matter what you said.

-He would give you everything you need in the dream world, only on one condition you make spells and potions for him! If you dont? well, he can't really do anything outside the dream world so?

-He's also already immortal so he wouldn't care

Bo Sinclair:

-He would definelty dinrk a potion if it meant he was young forever

-He's insecure and self consious about his looks, he needs to look hot and young come on!

-He's asked this countless times, and when you finally had the stuff needed you made it for him

-"About time darlin' took you long enough" he said drinking it quickly

-He can now brag that he's gonna outlive his brothers, it made you sad in a way...

Vincent Sinclair:

-He would want to do what he loves most.. making art out of dead people!

-Once he finds out there is a way to do it forever and ever, that invoved you, he 100% wanted you to do something, like make a potion/spell

-If you don't want to do it, then he won't force you too

-If you do, because we love vincent, then he will apperciate it

-He'd polietly try and ask if you can make some for his brothers, since its a system, plus he doesn't want to lose them

Lester Sinclair:

-He wouldn't mind being immortal, but he wouldn't ask for it himslef

-You've already told him how hard it is being immortal and out living everyone, since you didn't know the spell yet

-You would have to be the one to reccomened doing it, not wanting to lose the love of your life

-"sure darlin'" he smiled loving how you cared so much about him, but you'd also have to do it to his brothers,

-while he's at it he'll ask for a protection spell too

Brahms Heelshire:

-The goddman minute he found out you could live forever he demanded either a)you change that or b)you make him live forever

-Not having any other choice you made b) come true

-He first refused to drink it, but you reminded him that it would make him immortal and he asked for it so....

-He loves the fact you too would be stuck together forever

-He would love having you.. forever

[amazingorangedangantrash]

Excuse me Orange. I have seen the posts of Makoto interacting with class 77 and as much as I would love to hear about it I'm really curious about how a relationship with class 79 and Makoto would be. More specifically Makoto and Kokichi.

Yes this is because I can't get the fic "Rosemary" out of my head. In summary, Makoto loses his memories and becomes a counsellor at a school in Germany after meeting Rantaro and adopts Kokichi. Besties Rantaro and Makoto with the disaster child that is Kokichi.

Hello anon! Thank you ever so much for being so polite and patient with me :). This post has been a long time coming, and people have requested it ever since I made those class 77 headcanons. I put it off partly because I was worried I wouldn't do the V3 characterisation justice. I based a lot of this off the wiki info, so I highly encourage anyone to add their thoughts or counter if they think of something different!

(Also since pre-game personalities are basically non-existent outside of headcanons, this is based off their killing game personas)

Makoto is excited to greet another school year, and some underclassmen along with it! With all the... interesting characters (turned friends) he's encountered in both his own and the above year, he can only wonder what the new students will be like...

Kaede- out of all the protagonists, I'd say Kaede shares the most similarities with Makoto, moreso than his own sister. These two would definitely get along and make a great tag team- watch out Hope's Peak, because these two will have befriended you before you know it! Makoto definitely admires Kaede's straightforwardness and her optimistic nature. They act as great support for each other if tag teaming another person/persons, as Kaede is bolder then Makoto, whilst Makoto acts well as a medium. They're both extremely loyal, arguably to a fault. Both Kaede and Makoto have lied in a class trial to protective their friend (a detective each time too, lmao). Apparently she also lied for his sake in the demo, which is sweet. I feel like they'd connect well over their mutual optimism and kind hearts. I think Makoto would convince Kaede to step out of her comfort zone- socially, she's very bold, but she strays away from activities that could affect her piano playing (by hurting her fingers) and can waste away a lot of time in the practice room. She misses out on a lot of potentially fun activities that way. On an outing with some others, she accidentally cuts her finger, and whilst Makoto apologises and tells her she was right to be cautious, she waves him aside. Despite being unable to play the piano for a few days, she fills her time with other activities and it actually... doesn't bother her so much. As an 'ordinary person', Makoto helps a lot of talented students by opening their eyes to seeing that their identity doesn't revolve around their talents. In return, Kaede offers to teach Makoto whilst he spends time with her in the practice room. Whilst piano is her favourite, she knows how to play other instruments, and teaches Makoto the violin (maybe you think he'd play a different instrument but violins are my favourite so I'm going with that-). They even practice together, and whilst Kaede still practices nearly every day, she finds that it can actually be even more fun with company.

Shuichi- ah yes, yet another detective. Makoto was initially surprised that they'd accepted another Ultimate Detective, since there's normally only one ultimate at a time in the school (aside from Luck, which is decided each year with a raffle or draw or whatever). It's revealed that Shuichi is actually undergoing part of a new tutoring programme, in order to increase the number of people with talents especially useful to society. He's to be tutored by his upperclassman... *drumroll* Kyoko! Being close with Kyoko and with Kaede, Makoto sees a lot of Shuichi and befriends him too. He helps out with Shuichi's lack of confidence and feelings of inadequacy. Unlike Makoto, Shuichi has an obvious role model that he both aspires to and compares himself against. Unlike Kyoko, Shuichi is much more connected to and feels responsible for the people his detective work condemns. Whereas Kyoko is confident in her goal to obtain the truth, in totally neutrality, Shuichi is hesitant about it, unable to feel unbiased and take a neutral stand. Makoto convinces him this is a good thing, that feeling guilt is normal and is a sign of being a passionate and sympathetic soul. Shuichi doesn't have to be the kind of detective Kyoko is- sometimes that kind of compassionate and caring person is exactly the mindset people want. He also reassures Shuichi that as painful as the truth is, uncovering it means being able to eventually move on, and embrace hope. (He also tells Kyoko to maybe be a bit more... /welcoming/ in their lessons, and eventually Kyoko grows quite fond of her student, discovering a fondess for teaching she didn't know she had).

They're both very humble and polite, and whilst Makoto isn't reserved, he can be very passive. I think the two would appreciate having more of a calm relationship, typical of a 'normal' friendship that is often er- 'lacking' at Hope's Peak. With Kaede's help, Shuichi would open up to Makoto and others over time. I personally headcanon Shuichi to have an anxiety disorder and depressive bouts, so I think someone like Makoto would be a great support friend, for him to go to when he needs company and comfort, someone to listen and to understand, and vice versa to an extent. I like to imagine Makoto, Shuichi and Kaede often spend time together (with Hajime too protag gang ftw). Shuichi likes to study in the music room with them. He's already good at research, but the music actually helps him... enjoy it more. (Maybe he takes up an instrument too, to give him a hobby to focus on, hmm).

Kokichi- Kokichi Ouma. Kokichi Ouma... what do I even say? Trying to wrap my head around his character is like trying to clear the death road of despair in your first try. Still, I'll try my best!

I've seen a headcanon before (i dont remember by who, if you know lmk and I'll credit them) that Makoto via his unpredictable luck would be immune to Kokichi's pranks, and I think that'd set up a pretty good basis for their introduction. I think if Kokichi and Makoto had to describe the other in one word, it would be... "frustrating". At first glance, they're practically opposites- someone like Kokichi, who seems to breathe lies instead of air, and a person like Makoto, who's so honest and open it's almost stupid. Makoto doesn't like how Kokichi lies so much, even if it means people hating him. He almost seems to WANT people to hate him (I think he said once that honest people scare him more than strangers). Makoto has a tendency to break down even the most difficult characters (coughcoguuh class 78 coughcofuh), and that both scares but intrigues Kokichi. Makoto couldn't hate him if he tried (literally the only person he ever even /disliked/ was Junko. Not /hate/, but just /dislike/? Really???), and it frustrates Kokichi that Makoto is so willing to trust him and put faith in him. Makoto isn't blindly optimistic either, he genuinely believes in people, and I think Kokichi would feel envious towards being able to trust so... freely. Part of Kokichi's childish and carefee personality and his perchance for lies is the manifestation of his desire for freedom. If no-one knows what he's thinking, if no one can guess his moves, if no one can use emotions or weaknesses against him, and he can do whatever he wants, isn't that freedom? Except it isn't. By not letting his guard down and being honest with people, in a way, Kokichi's lies have left him trapped, unable to open up out of a fear of vulnerability. Whilst Kokichi would be initially suspicious of Makoto, maybe even distrustful of or uncomfortable around his personality, I think having such a grounded, honest individual whom he can /rely/ on would be... comforting. Kokichi would warm up to him, and see that with Makoto, what you see is what you get. He's above all else, a /genuine/ person, though certainly not an ordinary one, and Kokichi learns to respect and even admire that. Kokichi intentionally pushes people away to avoid expressing vulnerability, by being intentionally unlikeable, but even so I think he's lonely. Pushing away others isn't out of a true desire to be alone (it never is), but a defense mechanism. That tactic wouldn't work on Makoto, and so Makoto could become someone who Kokichi not only considers a friend, but who wholeheartedly returns the sentiment.

Makoto isn't sure what to think of Kokichi at first. He's heard so much about this terrifying new student, an overlord of a secret underground organisation with roots all over the globe... and yet the first time they meet Kokichi is trying to drop a bucket of custard on him. I don't think Makoto would like how Kokichi lies so much- especially about things like killing people or sending them away to never be seen again. It upsets him how Kokichi can joke about it, and how he seems to enjoy toying with people's feelings. When Makoto has a goal, he'll follow it through to the end, so when he's determined to break through Kokichi's walls... well, it's not easy at first. He's also willing to keep Kokichi company and give him attention and hear him out, which Kokichi admittedly likes. Whilst Makoto isn't a pushover, he's also not going to threaten Kokichi or retaliate with mean words, he genuinely listens and entertains Kokichi even though he knows Kokichi is messing with him, which is.. really nice, actually. Even if he tries he can't really shake Makoto that much (pls after all the other -weirdos- people he's met?). Like oh-? They have to duel to the death with yu-gi-oh cards? It's lucky Makoto brought his stack with him! Kokichi orders him to play tea party with him? He loved playing it with Komaru when she was younger and was sad when she stopped! Kokichi tricks him into eating a really gross weird food? How did you know that was a family favourite! Kokichi is fond of Makoto, and is desperate to keep Makoto's attention on him, whilst at the same time not wanting to reveal his true feelings, leading to plenty of complicated situations. Eventually they reach a breaking point (i love drama ok) and whilst Makoto doesn't lash out at him, exactly, he admits that maybe it's best he leaves Kokichi alone, believing that maybe Kokichi truly is content to be the way he is. It's this event that causes Kokichi to realise that Makoto really is someone he'd rather not hurt- that he doesn't just 'like' him but truly cares for him. From then on he tries to dial it down a bit, and Makoto comes to understand how Kokichi's lying and 'cruelty' stems from a place of insecurity and fear of trust. He promises to be a person Kokichi can trust, to show him that vulnerability doesn't have to mean gettint hurt. Whenever the two are around each other all kind of wacky hijinks are bound to ensure, really. Kokichi loves having someone around to not only give him attention, but want to as well, and Makoto enjoys how Kokichi is willing to spend time with and entertain him, pushing him and supporting him in ways that he didn't realise initially. They both find the other extremely interesting, and their encounters usually lead to significant changes in their relationship and mindsets.

I like to imagine they'd spend time playing games and fanboying together- Kokichi adores video games, and it always poses a challenge going against Makoto's luck, which is great for someone competitive as he is. Kokichi also seems a fan of the shounen genre, and 'basic' Makoto is the only other person in the school aside from Hifumi and Tsumugi to even watch anime so you know those two nerds geek out constantly. Kokichi likes to play other kinds of games with Makoto too- and they really like word games- especially two truths one lie. Makoto is... suprisingly good at it. He's pretty poetic, and his genuineness makes it hard to disbelieve him. Which makes it all the more fun when going against Kokichi!

Rantaro- how would these two describe each other in 5 words? "A breath of fresh air". They're both some of the "normal-est" in the school tbh. It's really great for both of them to have someone to do normal teen stuff with. They love going shopping together, hanging out at cafes and arcades. They actually meet when looking for a birthday present for their sister(s). They both reach for the same one before apologising and insisting the other have it. Rantaro insists Makoto take it, since, well, it's not like /his/ sister would get it anytime soon... confused, Makoto asks why and somehow Rantaro ends up confessing the whole thing about his sisters' disappearances, and how he always buys a present for each of their birthdays, waiting for the day when he can give them to them in person. (Pls why does this always end up with makoto counselling the students akdhsjsj-). Makoto could definitely sympathise, having a younger sister of his own. I think they'd bond over that "older brother" role they share, and Makoto would definitely help alleviate some of Rantaro's guilt. I like to imagine that Makoto, whilst being a 'typical teenage boy', also has a lot of feminine interests that he might be a bit insecure about. I love the idea of Rantaro encouraging him to embrace that (guy has like 12 sisters, he gave up feeling shy about makeup, nail polish, jewellery and dressing up in tiaras years ago). Rantaro is the first person to paint Makoto's nails and he loves it so much-!!! They go out for boba together and wear matching green nail polish pls its awesome. Rantaro also tells Makoto stories from when he was travelling and its also amazing- Makoto loves hearing all about it, and Rantaro is actually an incredible storyteller. Though Rantaro initially adventured to find his sister(s), he remembers why he loved travelling in the first place, and he's able to look back fondly on those memories that used to be clouded with the despair of his sisters' disappearance. They even go on vacation together to a tropical island at some point (maybe with friends). I'd like to say Makoto's luck might even lead to them finding one of the sisters, but maybe that's a bit too coincidental ahaha.

Miu- hmm. I think Makoto would be a little put off at first by her vulgarity and very openly sexual and crude behaviour. It's not that he dislikes her, he just isn't really sure... how to react around her? Her and Kaede don't get along, and Makoto often finds himself playing peacemaker when he stumbles upon their arguments. To his surprise, though, she seems to actually... like it when they fight? In fact- she seems to like it when people give her the time of day at all, really. Maybe she's just... lonely? And well, she can be a bit... um- /obnoxious/, but she can't be that bad! Making him go to see her weird (weird) inventions, that must be her way of reaching out and trying to spend time with him, right?

And then she starts calling him "Ma-crap-to", "Naegidiot", "Makusoto", and "Na-unchi"

nevermind she sucks

Makoto, with his saintly patience, would probably end up getting closer to her similar how Shuichi does in his FTEs. (I'll be honest there's not much difference I can think of akdjsjjssksj-)

Kaito- Kaito! Who doesn't love Kaito. It's no secret Kaito thinks himself the centre of the Universe (insert space joke here haha)- he's the protagonist of his own life, and luckily for him, Makoto fits quite nicely into the sidekick role. Both of them are passionate, with big hearts and strong spirits. Kaito is really good at seeing through people too- (idk how accurate this is but apparently in the wiki it says he sees that Nagito isn't interested in his talent or him as a person so much as him as a symbol). Whilst Makoto obviously has a lot of respect and admiration for all the talented students, I feel like it's a lot more... genuine? In a way that he can appreciate the person behind the talent, more than the talent itself. Kaito is someone who likes to inspire people and I think this would resonate with him. I think the two could seriously get along! They're both hopeless (haha) romantics and stupidly optimistic lmao. Kaito can be a little hotheaded at times, so I also like the idea that Makoto could calm him down, or at least reel him in a bit. He's stubborn when it comes to... um.. certain types of people (kokichi) so maybe Makoto could open his mind a bit.

Maki: MAKI ROLLLL. Ok I'm sure she'd probably have to hide her talent until it all came out at some point. I think Makoto is someone who's very against killing (even Junko he believed there was a better way for), so whilst he wouldn't agree with her talent, I think he wouldn't hold it against Maki, especially because he's very good at separating person from talent. Makoto is very understanding, and I think that like with Kaito, he would try to befriend her and open her up. He'd probably feel bad for her, not knowing what a "normal" life was like, so he'd try his best to do that. I think Maki in turn would appreciate that, and slowly get to know him like she did with Kaito and Shuichi. (She also likes complaining to him about Kaito lmao).

(he also takes her out for sushi so she can see for herself what a harumaki is LOL)

I'm sorry anon, this is as far as I could go aksnjjssj. When I feel up to it I'll try and make a part 2 to this, but I hope this is good for now?

(Also that fic sounds awesome and I'll definitely have to read it at some point)

[girlmostlikely]

Hello!! I'm the anon that sent the ask about advice!!

Sorry this came out a lot longer than I had anticipated!! :( (tw: fat shaming, Ed's, and Manipulation)

So I recently broke up with my partner and I thought our relationship was so good but there were parts of it that I knew weren't normal (keep in mind my partner and I were best friends before we started dating) but they'd do these really shitty things (like flirting with our friends, in front of me, or flirting with other people in comment sections, and it wasn't like the normal "oh ur so cute etc" comment it'd be like talking about the other people's boobs and stuff) but if I ever complimented one of my friends (a genuine compliment, like just saying my friend looked pretty in a photo they posted) my partner would completely ignore me for hours on end and I'd be trying to apologize to them and make them speak to me again before they'd finally talk to me again. But when I'd speak up about my own uncomfortableness with my partner commenting on other people's bodies in a sexual manner, my partner would act like was overreacting. And there's so much more than that, they told me I looked fat when I showed them photos from a time in my life when I was recovering from an ED and they'd say my face looked stupid and just all this other stuff that was so horrible I don't rlly even wanna get into it. But thats not rlly the main problem, my partner and I are in this gc where we met and all our friends are still in the gc but our friends don't know anything about how my partner treated me besides that we split. And it just hurts seeing them treat my partner so kind and act like they're so funny meanwhile I'm struggling mentally and have been manipulated by them for the past year. I dont wanna lose my friends or the gc but I just don't know what to do, like even just talking about it is making me start shaking because of my anxiety and I feel like my partner is always watching me and I'm just so scared and confused

Oh sweetheart. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I want you to know that ultimately you made the best possible decision in breaking up with them. Your partner was very much in the wrong and you did not deserve to withstand a relationship that inflicted such disrespect and manipulation. I think you should try talking to your friends privately or even make an entire group chat with all of them; excluding your ex-partner of course. I would confide in the friends you share. If they are genuine, they’ll understand and support you as you deserve. Carrying isolated hurt can be the heaviest pain one can shoulder. If in the end you find that they’re not the friends you thought they were, at least you’ll have your answer. It won’t be an easy one to accept but it will be the one that remains. Good luck my love. Sending you so much strength.

[captainstevenrogerswrites]

Not my Captain.

@mrsrogerswrites

"Captain! Theres a rift opening. No known origin but its growing in size"

Captain Rogers stood tall as a smirk etched his features. Soldier surrounded him with few scientists. He despised scientists as a whole, always thinking they knew best, always over thinking, where as a soldier followed his command without any thinking and the ones they didnt......well their blood splattered the walls in defiant decoration to show anyone thinking of disobeying him just how he handled betrayal and free thinking from his men. He didnt care either if they respected him or just feared him, to him they were the same. You followed his orders, you lived for now. You didnt you would be praying the enemy killed you before Steve had a chance too because if he felt in a mood, he would drag your death out until you were begging for death and then simply keep dragging it on until your body killed itself and the last thing you would see was his dark smile creasing his lips. No one dared stand up to him.

Soldiers he tolerated, scientists only when they were of use to him. Everyone else was free game to him. If you were of use, he would acknowledge your existence, if not you were nothing to him. Same with relieving himself, if he wanted to fuck you, he never asked, he just took what he wanted from you, not caring if you couldnt take it either. After all, why would he care about you when you were just a fuck toy he was using for a couple of minutes relief. He was nothing like Captain America from other realms, he was Captain HYDRA; the ultimate super soldier in every way.

"Sir it's to another dimension " he dragged the scientist up to his feet as he began to tremble in fear "To where?" He snarled at the scared man "I....I....I dont know" with one swift action he broke his neck "the next person who cant answer my fucking question gets thrown in" everyone frantically tried to work out where.

He smiled to himself, another dimension, another Earth, he had helped HYDRA gain power over the world here and keep it. He was known as HYDRAS main man and he thrived upon it. If this other world wasnt ruled by them then maybe it was time it was "Sir, we have visual contact"

Looking up at the screen he saw blurry outlines of people as he snarled recognising some of them "Fury" he had killed him but it could be fun to kill this one too. The rift started to destabilise but he would be damnned if he was going to lose the chance of some more fun so he grabbed some of his men and ran through it just before it disappeared.

Walking slowly into view of the people, he didnt care his men had probably got shredded to pieces by not making it through with him. They were replaceable. "Captain Rogers" Fury questioned him as Rogers perked his brow in curiosity, the way he said it made it sound like this Rogers was on their side. He could feel the disgust inside of him with that thought, his version here working alongside him as a good guy, it was stuff of nightmares.

"But you're dead" another man spoke up in shock as Rogers fought back the urge to roll his eyes at his stupidity every bone in his body wanted to rip his tongue out and feed it him for it but he didnt. He was still assessing his situation and maybe he could play along as another good guy.

"I'm sorry for your loss, but dimensions are being split everywhere..." damn he was sounding like those pathetic scientists . "We need to fix the damage. What better way then teaming up?" He forced a smile, one that didnt look dark as his eyes then landed on a redhead. He would have her bent over that desk and fucking her brains out if he didnt have to play so pitifully good and maybe she would be one that could actually take it. He tried to hide the smirk, it's a shame he couldnt find out. At least not yet, as soon as HYDRA had taken over this world too, he would fuck her and if she was any good maybe he would keep her just for his amusement. Oh the possibilities but then she opened her mouth and he just wanted to ram his cock down her fucking throat to shut that precious mouth up. "So HYDRAs now the good guys" she motioned to his arm badge of the symbol of his home.

He smirked "different dimension love, who says SHIELD are the good guys for me?" He winked at her as soldiers attacked him and he snapped their necks, earning him a small fight and guns being to his head. He wasnt going to get anywhere with them all dead, so didnt show what he was fully capable of yet and put his hands up "well where we come from, HYDRA are the bad guys and were not taking any chances"

It had been at least three weeks since he was thrown in this god forsaken cell. Not that it bothered him, it gave him time to analyse and plan. If he wasnt sat up on the bed, he was doing press ups or walking around his block to keep his body moving but, even though he refused to show it, he was a restless beast trapped in a cage biding it's time before it attacked its prey. Two more days later and the opportunity leading to that might had reared its head.

"Our HYDRA has a device that can be of use to fix all the dimensions effected by the rift. You and Agent Romanoff will infiltrate and get the device. If you help us fix the rift we will let you go back to your dimension alive" he smirked at Furys words, Steve saw right through him, there was no chance in hell that these people would let him go back. His eyes deliberately walked all over her body before looking back at the man who thought he was in charge. This could be fun with her and he could bring down SHIELD here too. Throwing the lion back into the lions den....no wonder SHIELD didnt survive long in his world the idea of her company amused him too, which was rare so he nodded "very well, I'll be a good boy and play nice"

The woman scowered at him "or meet the end of my knife. Either way suits me" he looked at her and grinned, she was feisty and loved knives....now she just got a hell of a lot kinkier. Maybe he would keep her after all but then again he never really was much to keep things around and he had to play along for now.

"Lead the way, red" he smirked as they handcuffed him but his eyes stayed on her. fuck her and kill her, fuck her to death, just kill her or keep her as his own personal cum bucket. It was fucking awful he couldnt do any as he played the good boy. He was going to find a way back or turn this world into his own. Either way he wouldnt let some fiesty little redhead stop him. In time, he would double cross her and enjoy every fucking moment of it.

[marshmallowprotection]

Do you still like V after the events of Saeran's after end? Do you think he's horribly OOC in there or do think he's in character?

I hear so many V stans say he's out of character but I dont think so. It you consider what he's done in the Christmas DLC, in Another Story, and in the main routes of Deep/Casual story he's always been obsessed with Rika and always keeps making bad decisions (or keeps procrastinating making a decision) because he's unwiling to priortitize the RFA over Rika. Ray's after end is just a timeline where he decides to stop hesitating and fully commit to his obsession with Rika. Its him making the worst decisions possible.

If anything, its V's own route that feels OOC because I feel like there's too little chance he would stop obsessing over Rika and fall in love with someone else. But those are just my own thoughts and opinions. I'm curious to hear yours.

Personally, I said this when I was going through my initial reaction to Saeran’s AE so you could read that series if you haven’t already because I put it down in a lot more blatant detail. I’ll leave this free from this tag, though, don’t want to add dislike over there when I know a lot of people are hurt and upset. So, let me just say, SPOILERS AHEAD.

I have to say that I don’t think he was out of character. I sincerely don’t. I think was the game showing us truly how far V is willing to go for Rika and how far he had already gone for Rika. Listen, V’s not my favorite person in the world but I’d say that he went through a lot in his life and he has such a specific personality type that we can’t disregard. Both he and Rika were wrong in their relationship with each other. They both did wrong things. 

V is a victim of Rika’s abuse, that is for sure, but V did say and push Rika to lean more into her more violent thoughts. It had a lot to do with his warped sensibility and what he was dealing with on his own, from his mother, to how his personal understanding of love was twisted and fractured. He said it himself in his route that he was obsessed with Rika and that he would do anything for Rika because that love was an infatuation stronger than any drug. 

The Secret Ending, for example. He was willing to come and get everyone from the cabin. I don’t know what he thought was going to happen when he did that or if anyone would trust him. He’s got such a martyr complex that it pains me and I wish he valued himself more and admitted that he needed to stop this and just talk about what help he needed. I understand that it’s fucked up, and all of this is complicated because the boys cannot be found by the government. 

But, he could have told Jumin. 

He could have done a lot of things but he hesitated and got scared and tried to blame himself and do it on his own. He doesn’t want Rika to die. He doesn’t want Rika to go to prison. He doesn’t want Rika to suffer. Yet, he’s seeing how she’s hurting others and hurting herself and spiraling, and... sometimes it’s hard for me to understand why he lied. He doesn’t know about Mika, the AE said that as a fact, and I don’t know when he found out about Mint Eye. 

But, he lies to cover Rika’s tracks? Is it for Saeran, V? Or, is it for Rika? I’m really concerned that I don’t know the answer here. I know that he tries to help save Saeran and get him out, he really does, but he always hesitates and he always reaches and fails, and I don’t know if that’s because he’s doing it to himself by self-sabotaging or because he legitimately doesn’t know how to get him out. 

V’s greatest struggle in life is how indecisive and unsure he is. He frustrates me a lot. I see where he could find himself and where he could open up and be a good person and be happy. I see it. But, he won’t let himself let go and Rika and he keeps burning as Icarus does as he reaches out for the sun. 

In this timeline, we see how deeply V can go if he lets himself commit to that state with Rika. In Ray’s Route, Jihyun saw us commit ourselves to Saeran and believe in him, and forgive him, and forgive Ray for what happened. However, it was our choice to forgive them... and you know the difference between what went down with Saeran and what goes down with Rika? Saeran was willing to say that he fucked up and that he needed to stop, that he needed to grow, and that he needed to change. 

He apologized and he said that if you gave him a chance, he would love you and protect you. You accept that, but he’s still going to be working on that for a long time in his heart because he knows what he did. His willingness and capacity to grow and admit fault make him mature and respectable. Rika is never willing to admit her wrongdoings. 

You saw that play out in Saeran’s AE from minute one and you can’t ignore that fact. When Jihyun went back to Rika. And, you know what I personally thought was going to happen? I thought he was going to take Rika, leave the country, and fucking run and never look back. I thought that he was going to take all of her sufferings and place it upon himself so nobody would ever be hurt again sans himself because he “thinks he deserves to be punished by her hand for what he did.” 

However, no. 

V did not do that. 

V decided that he would fully immerse himself in Rika. He decided that the best thing to do was to take the wrong lesson from what he saw with Saeran and the MC. He stood by Rika thinking that if he pushed or tried hard enough to let her be himself instead of forcing her to be something else, maybe she would have a breakthrough like Saeran did. However, he couldn’t do that and let her go to jail, could he? Nope. So he had to make a deal with the devil. For Rika’s freedom and happiness, he had to hurt everyone. 

He himself says in one of the floating space thoughts that he needed to research how to commit himself to that. V admits that he knows that he’s wrong to go this far with Rika, both of them admit that they know they’re wrong and that they knew it was wrong from the start. 

We can see him on Day 3 with moments where he is... showing this guilt again and showing us that side of him that we saw before he cracked and committed to his fate with Rika. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like they’re dating or anything here, he’s merely giving Rika what she wants because he thinks it will help her and right what went wrong. It doesn’t. They’re both living in her fantasy for her sake. Rika’s selfish wish is a family where they pretend nobody was hurt and if she gets that... well, that’s one of the BEs. 

V has been enabling a lot of her darker thoughts from the start, and for a while, he realized that he had to do something and he tried to do something by trying to go and remove Saeran from that place, but in the end, he felt like there was nothing left for him to do but commit to Rika and suffer in that selfish wish. V is willing to do anything for Rika, even hurt others when it comes down to it. He hurt the RFA and he betrayed them for RIka. 

This is the worst-case scenario for the kind of person that V can become, and I don’t think it was out of character, I think it was just an aggressive reminder of how far you can fall if you let yourself give up and decide to burn all of the bridges that you have for someone that isn’t good for you. I think what I never expected was the fact that V was there when Mother Choi was killed. I never thought he was there. 

I thought he either suspected it or learned well beyond the fact. But, no, he was there, he helped her move the body. He lied and covered her tracks and that was the moment that Rika herself said that she gave up on everything and fully committed to what she and Mika were planning on doing. 

So, from when V started to enable her in the wrong ways by telling her revel in a devil, to the murder (even though it was a self-defense case, it was still traumatic to blackout and cut someone to save your own life), to Mika and the plans for the cult. It was a recipe for disaster. I never thought that V was there when it happened. That just... 

That revelation to me, his willingness to drug Saeyoung, his willingness to let the brothers suffer for Rika’s happiness... this is revealing how far V could go for the person that we all know as Rika. The situation doesn’t always call for V to go and do something to this degree, but there’s no denying that V is a complicated character with a lot of weight on his shoulders. 

He was never my favorite but... I can’t disregard what has been written and that I don’t feel like it was OOC. I just think it was showing us a reality where he could go too far. I realize that not many people are going to agree with me on this front and that’s okay. I don’t hate V. V fucked up a lot and there’s no denying that, I just wish that he never went back to Rika and he came to us for help in the first place. 

I guess this is a bit more lengthy than I intended, haha. This isn’t to be mean to anyone that thinks differently than me. I really don’t want to get into arguments or anything over this. So, please, no discourse over this. 

TLDR; This is just a reality where V went over the edge, and it’s just a possible timeline where he could lose himself to what he long tried to push back against but he ultimately gave up on himself and let himself be fully committed to Rika’s selfish wish. You can see the guilt and exhaustion in his eyes but he just lets himself become the villain because it’s the only way to protect Rika from suffering and the only way to “kind of” protect the boys. 

[you-kinda-smell-like-christmas]

Rehab (pt.2)

¡Hola bellos! This is my entry for @pretendcnco 300(?) followers challenge! Congrats babes on hitting that milestone! I hope you guys enjoy this!❤

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Pairing: criminal!Chris x reader

Warnings: swearing, angst?, mentions of jail, mentions of marijuana, feels, drugs

Word Count: 8.1k

“Forget all we said that night, no, it doesn't even matter, 'cause we both got split in two, If you could spare an hour or so we'll go for lunch down by the river, we can really talk it through.”

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Christopher's POV

The pouring rain outside foreshadowed the mood for me all day. I've been stuck in jail for 15 days. 2 weeks and 1 day. It's been 15 days since I was dropped off here, and 15 days since the break up. I've been feeling nothing but pain, sorrow, hurt, and regret. Regret for my past, my actions, my self. But most importantly, I felt regret for letting her go so easy. Then again, there's not much you can do to contact someone when they arent on your visitors list, or just dont want to see you at all. All I know is that I need to apologize and explain myself to her. I cant let her go that easy.

Walking out of my cell, I approached the makeshift cafeteria and was given my breakfast. Breakfast today consisted of pancakes, blueberries, and a carton of milk. Just like Y/N used to make. Only much more edible. Nevertheless, I ate the slop. The meal had reminded me to much of her that I didnt realize I started to cry until a tear landed on the plastic tray. God I miss her.

Sulkingly, I finished the breakfast and stood up from the metal table, throwing my trash away, and returning the plastic tray to the men who were working the cafeteria. Heading towards my cell, I had some major thinking to do.

Arriving at C153, I entered, and was locked back in the tiny cubicle. As I looked around the room, my eyes landed on a picture. Inmates were able to keep some form of personal life with them during their stay here. Mine just so happened to be a picture. A picture that held a thousand words. In the picture, Y/N and I were on our couch laughing at god knows what and just having a good time. Though, my ass was high as fuck that night, I still remember the lecture she gave me. The lecture that ultimately landed me here. The lecture that tore us apart.

"Christopher stop! That's too much."

Christopher had arrived home high as hell, and you weren't letting him off easy this time. You and him say om the couch. Your legs intertwined with his, holding hands, with your head on his chest. What started off sweet would soon turn into something you may regret.

"Chris, babe, you're high again. You need to drink some water." You tried to help him recover.

"I'm fine Y/N." His words slipped up, and he definitely was not fine.

"Chris stop! No you arent. You need to get some rest, and drink some water too." You tried negotiating with him.

"I'm fine Y/N. I promise." Christopher slurridly said.

Sighing, you take a step back. He wasn't going to listen to you. He never does when hes high. You always told yourself you knew what you were getting into, when you started dating a drug dealer. You thought he had changed. You helped him stop his drug addiction. You were there for him. And you always would be. However all good things come to an end. Once an addict, always an addict. Right? Halfway into your relationship, he went back to his old ways. Recieving yet another addiction to marijuana. You couldn't handle this anymore. You needed to stop this once and for all.

You tore the blunt he held in his hand away from him. "What the hell Y/N?" Chris had shouted at you.

"Chris, this needs to stop. Once and for all."

"Why? I feel fine. I'm telling you that I'm perfectly okay right now." Chris fired back.

"No you're not. Just stop." You nagged him on.

"Just shut the fuck up Y/N. I said I'm fine and I mean it. Sometimes you just annoy me. I wish I didnt date you sometimes." He muttered the last part to himself, but you still heard it.

With tears brimming your eyes, you shakingly look up, hoping what he didnt mean what he said. "You dont mean that, do you?"

"Of course I do. You nag me all the time about stupid shit, when you know damn well that I'm perfectly fine of handling it myself."

Ouch. That stung. But then you remembered that he was high and most likely wouldn't remember most of the things he said tomorrow.

So with all the courage you had, you mustered up two words. "Fuck you." You sneered at him, walking to your room and locking yourself in it to hopefully try to get some sleep.

The next morning you woke up, and went to check up on Chris. When you got downstairs, he made breakfast for you. Pancakes, blueberries and coffee just the way you liked it: four sugars with five creams.

He seemed stable today. You needed to talk about last night though. "How was your night?" Chris interrupted your thoughts.

"Good. Pero, we need to talk about last night."

Chris remembers what happened last night, and hes scared to talk about it. Of course he didnt mean to hurt you and say what he said, it just slipped out and was a heat of the moment type thing.

"Mira princesa, lo siento. Nothing I said last night was true. I love you and I love having you as my girlfriend. You've helped me through so much, and I can't thank you enough. I dont know what I would do without you. Tú eres mi vida, mi mundo."

The speech was heartfelt. But you wouldn't let it get to you this time. You needed to make sure Chris was understanding this as much as you were. "Chris, I love you, tú eres mi luz, but this needs to stop. You can't continue to do drugs. It needs to stop. Once and for all."

Chris was silent for a while. Realizing he may lose his love to marijuana. "Princesa, I promise to stop doing drugs. Pinky promise."

Trusting him, you intertwined pinkies, though you didnt trust him fully.

Coming back to reality, I realized I was crying. Sobbing even. I didnt realize how much of an effect Y/N could have on me. I said some stuff I regretted that night, and I broke a promise I made. A promise that led me here. In jail. For what cost? Nothing, because I lost something so great to me. All of a sudden, I remembered one final way I could contact her. I would have to write a note. Grabbing some paper and a pen from my cellmate, I began to write the letter. It would all be coming from my heart.

Querido Y/N,

Dios, where do I start? First off, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for breaking a promise I know was so important to you. I'm sorry for being such a terrible boyfriend. I'm sorry for not being there for you, when you were always there for me. I'm sorry for the countless times I've left you sitting at home alone, wondering where I was, when I was out doing drug business. I'm sorry for all the fights I've caused. I'm sorry for what I've said during those fights. Pero, I want you to know that I love you. Te amo mucho. Being in jail, without you gave me some time to think. Think about all that we've gone through, and how lucky I am to even have you in my life. I promise you, after this, no more drugs will be involved. I'll go to rehab, a halfway house, and do anything to get me back to where I need to be. With you. I'm sitting here, writing this note with full regret for my words and actions. Pero, actions speak louder than words, and my actions led us away from eachother. I just wanted to say gracias. Gracias por everything you've given me, and supported me with. I dont know where I'd be if I didnt meet you. You continue to make me want to get better and change for better. One day, we will be together again. I'll always be waiting for you. Whether you're on the other side of the world, or I have to wait a lifetime, my arms are always open for you. Te amo mucho. Forget all we said that night, no, it doesn't even matter, cause we both got split in two, If you could spare an hour or so we'll go for lunch down by the river, we can really talk it through. I love you.

Tú amor,

Christopher

Tears rid the letter. It was a very heartfelt one. Tears littered my face as well. I cant afford to lose her. Sealing it in an envelope with her name and information on it, I quickly say a prayer to God hoping he'll answer me.

Walking out of my cell with the envelope on my hand, I put it in the box labeled "outgoing mail."

Now all we can do is wait.

Taglist:

@smoljoelito, @estoy-enamorado-de-ti, @cncobby, @ericksmamita ,@ellos-me-vuelven-loca

[mwolf0epsilon]

Same anon from the werewolf prompts ask. I was mostly asking because I'd love to see the 3rd, 4th and 10th prompt for a Polycho fic. You can decide who the werewolf is, or if all of them are wolves or not. I'm not picky!

The hardest part of getting bit is that, even when he's the "big bad wolf", Josh still can't find a place among his peers.

Luckily the wolf has an eye for good folk and maybe someone up there is finally looking out for him.

---

[[MORE]]

Despite what anyone might believe, Josh Sawyers had always lived a little rough. He'd gone to school, was well read, enjoyed arts and history, and had dreams of being a teacher one day. Sadly, he'd not had the money to pursue a higher education and due to his area of residency and skin color he was considered nothing but a lowly thug.

No one wanted to hang out with the too smart black kid that lived very close to the woods. No one but his family really. But that too had changed when he'd gotten bit.

No point keeping another mouth to feed when it might try to take your hand with it, and having a werewolf in the family would have further ostricisized his parents and siblings from the All American Dream society they were busting their asses to belong to.

In the end, Josh had just accepted it and left.

If he could run from muggers and cops that looked at him with predatorial grins and murderous eyes, he should be able to run with the crew of wolves that further complicated his life.

Except he couldn't.

"Yes I understand I'm a big bad werewolf now but really, I dont want to hurt those cute little rabbits and deer, can't we just wait until we transform back to eat?" He shrunk back when some of the others glared at him with condescending exasperation "That's not how it works? Well can't I just eat before I transform so I won't be hungry–I'm sorry I'm just new at this and I'm sorta trying to go vegetarian here–"

"Jack did you really have to pick the pansiest lilly in the fucking garden? Christ the stupid cunt won't even eat what he can get!" Dimitri, a southern english blond with a thick accent and the worst case of resting bitch face Josh had ever seen on a wolf, colorfully hissed at the alpha of the pack.

"I figured the guy would make a mean wolf. Fuck me sideways, I was wrong." Jack, their leader and the stockiest member of the group, grumbled as he glared daggers at Josh "Fucking smarty pants too good for meat?"

"Might make a good bitch." Yuri, Jack's second in command and a rather spineless idiot, offered with a barking laugh that made everyone else chortle while Josh blushed furiously and looked down.

"Ugh... You guys are assholes. I'm just gonna go for a walk." He got up and moved out of their den, an old abandoned cabin that had definitly seen better days. The stench of wolf didn't help.

"Good luck finding any food, Flower Boy, werewolves are carnivores. You gonna die for being a pussy." Jack called out behind him, getting a hearty laugh out of everyone else in the cabin.

Josh kept his back straight and his head held high, but if his tail had been showing and his ears were just a bit more wolfish, they'd have hung low in shame and sadness.

Not even a group of outcasts wanted anything to do with him. That certainly took the cake.

---

As it turned out, the others were right. As much as Josh wanted to be a vegetarian (a thought he'd had since primary school), the wolf couldn't properly process green foods. It was frustrating, because he didn't want to kill any animals. The thought of blood and gore made him shudder, even if the idea of salty iron tang made his stomach croak painfully with want. He was hungry. Very hungry.

"Think Josh... If vegetables and fruits aren't an option, then what else...?" He mumbled to himself as he walked. He needed to feed, otherwise the wolf would have a few things to say as soon as he got too hungry to keep in control.

His wolf was gentler than the others in the pack, but it was still a wild animal and hunger tended to do strange things to the mind. Especially one driven by the more primal instinct to survive.

He noticed a stream running downhill and got an idea. It wasn't a deer or a rabbit, but if bears could get nice and fat from eating fish, surely he could sustain himself on them as well? It was just a matter of catching some.

"Well, I don't have anything to lose from trying..." He figured, as he took off his clothing and folded it neatly. He set it by a rock near a massive tree, marking it with his sharpened fingernails before letting himself change into a huge dark coated wolf.

The feeling was still strange and painful, but his worries eased considerably as an animal. The world was a much simpler thing for a wolf.

With a hearty howl the wolf sprung towards the stream, hell-bent on catching some dinner.

---

"You know..." A female voice startled Josh as he pathetically crawled up onto the sandbank. A young woman was sitting there, holding a fishing cane and other assorted supplies. She had red hair, wore clothing that looked a bit too big on her, and a pair of heavy boots that looked to have steel toes. "When I saw you climbing out of the stream I was fishing in dirty, wet, and naked, I assumed you had just survived some kind of intense mob hit or something..."

Josh gulped as she set aside her tools and crossed her arms. She was smirking at him.

"But really you had just detransformed from a werewolf after you were playing in the water trying to catch a fish, and ultimately failing." Had she been watching him the entire time? "Nice ass, by the way..."

Yelping as he remembered he was completely in the nude, Josh picked up the nearest thing to cover up. It looked all the more pathetic considering the flat rounded rock was much too small to cover much.

"Easy there. It's not like I've never seen a dick before." The woman rolled her eyes "Now, before I go get my ma's shotgun, state your business here dog boy. You and your pack off to cause us trouble?"

"I... Uh no, no? I'm not..." He shook his head. "I'm not with my pack and uh, I didn't even know anyone lived here."

"We don't. The cabin is a summer retreat." The woman shrugged "What's a wolf doing trying to fish alone?"

"Could you not call me wolf? I have a name..."

"So do I. What a small world."

Josh grimaced before looking back where he came from. He should go get his clothes.

"I... Should get going."

"Hm... Yeah sure. Whatever. Try not to scare the fishes even more, you just cost me and my friends our dinner."

"You have friends?" That was hard to believe. The woman had been nothing short of unpleasant for the entirety of their short-lived and awkward conversation.

"Yes. One of them has a crossbow. Beat it pooch." She glared.

He didn't need to be told twice.

---

A couple of nights later, Josh had finally mastered his fishing abilities and was anxiously awaiting the rise of the full moon.

He hated going back to the den, but cuddling for warmth was the only way not to freeze to death in the woods, and it was risky to wander off too far without the pack. There were other wolves and worse, bears.

Not that his pack cared that he ran off anyway.

Still, as soon as the moon rose he could slink off to the stream and catch himself a good meal. He'd found a massive school of fish in a hole that lead to an underground pool. The fish either got stuck there by accident and couldn't leave due to low lighting, or were just too greedy when feeding on the vast surplus of food that the hole had to offer them.

All the better to keep him nice and full.

He had almost completely forgot about that woman from the other day, until he'd rushed off on all fours towards the stream and caught an odd sent in the wind.

The wolf grumbled in annoyance at the intrusion, but its curiosity was just as great as its human side's.

On feather light paws, it crouched and tracked the sent, before a whiff of grilled fish made its mouth water.

In the same spot Josh had met the woman, were three humans making dinner out of a bucket of large fat fish. It seemed like the redhead was a skilled fisherwoman.

"It's a loud night." A man with a shaved head, tan freckled skin and heterochromia, commented as he listened to the occasional howl in the distance. This trio was far away from the pack's hunting grounds, so there was no danger.

"Werewolves. I met one the other day..." The redhead murmured. "Took me longer to get a catch because the dumbass was flopping about like a drowning lamb."

"You met a werewolf? How come you didn't say anything, North?" A blond man with tired eyes and pale complexion asked.

"Didn't seem important at the time." North huffed "Besides, at the mention of my shotgun and your crossbow, he fled."

"You mean your mom's old shotgun. That thing is rusty as hell North. Wouldn't kill a fly..." The freckled man chuckled "But in all seriousness, Simon's right. You should have said something."

"Oh lay off Markus. It's fine! We're not staying much longer, just a couple of days anyway, and the wolves are far away."

The wolf watched them curiously. They were an odd trio. North, Simon and Markus.

Their names sounded... Nice somehow. And their interactions were all in good jest, rather than aggressive.

Whining softly, the large wolf lay down and kept watching them. It's heart ached for companionship it did not get from it's peers.

The blond's head perked up suddenly.

"Did you hear that?"

"Not everyone has your bat ears Simon..." North pointed out. "What's up?"

The blond didn't reply, instead staring off into the treeline where the wolf hid.

Had he heard it? That was impossible, humans didn't hear that well.

The man squinted, before getting up. His posture was intimidating to say the least, and the look in his eyes was one of warning.

Before anyone could say anything, or the wolf could process what was going on, the blond was right in front of it with his lips curled back so the wolf could see his long fangs. A vampire.

"Simon!" Markus called out, seeming just as startled at the wolf. "Don't do that!"

"We've got a wolf!" The blond called back.

"Is it big and got black mottled fur?" North asked from where she was sitting.

"Yes."

"Same guy from last time. Hey you caught any fish yet or just did a bad impression of the Little Mermaid?" The redhead grinned.

Simon rose an eyebrow in question before noticing the grimace on the wolf's face.

"I don't think it liked that."

"It can say that to my face. Come on, bring the thing over, if it didn't pounce us yet, it's not going to."

The vampire shrugged and looked back at the wolf, still suspicious, before motioning for it to get up and follow. The wolf decided it best not to argue, especially when the redhead offered a grilled fish.

It had been ages since it ate something cooked.

---

"So you really do run solo, don't you?" North asked in the morning, when the moonlight was no longer coursing through his veins, and after they'd all introduced themselves at the cabin.

The redhead hadn't been kidding about owning a shotgun. It was on display at the cabin, but it was also rusted to kingdom come. Markus had been right about it not harming a fly.

She used it as a threat to intruders. Uninvited guests were unwelcome, which was funny considering she had invited a vampire and a wolf into the threshold.

That was certainly some risk taking. Not that he was complaining.

The offered blankets had been so soft he'd practically rolled around in them when he woke up. The texture felt nice against his bare skin. It helped ignore the dull aches and sores of transformation.

"I prefer it." Josh replied. "It's calmer when I'm on my own. Quieter. Easier to get food and rest instead of getting pounced on and forced to submit to some asshole's command..."

Simon held the blanket he'd covered himself in tightly as he took a sip from a glass. The breakfast table was nicely organized, and he'd given them all plates of pancakes and glasses of orange juice. He himself ate nothing and drank a tinted glass that Josh's nose noted was full of pig's blood.

"Sounds rough." The blond commented as he shielded his sensitive skin from the sunlight creeping into the cabin.

"It is... Honestly though I hate my pack so much, like theyre a bunch of assholes but I ran into you guys on my full moon run in the forest and..." he shrugged "I don't know you seem pretty cool..."

"We seem cool? Bitch we're the coolest." North grinned.

"North..." Markus rolled his eyes. "Well... Uh, aren't werewolves social? Running solo seems very lonely for a wolf."

"It is but uh... I don't know, I was hoping I could sorta... You know." Josh stammered in embarrassment "Go hunting or scare some people or some shit? With you guys? I know this lake thats always really warm, I can show you... and uh, there's this hole in the stream that's full of big fat fish that just kinda hang in there? In case you uh, needed more?"

The three looked among each other debating what to do. They only had a couple of days left at the cabin and Josh would surely be lonely after they left.

North looked back at Josh before looking at Markus intently.

"... No." The heterochromatic man said flatly.

"Oh come on, we kept the vampire living in your attic, can't we keep this poor lonely lost puppy too?" North put on an exaggerated pout.

"I'm not a puppy. Also you were living in Markus's attic?" Josh asked Simon incredulously. That seemed a bit weird.

"Technically his dad's attic which technically is my attic because that mansion has been in my family for generations, but yeah sure let's go with that." Simon shrugged.

"A vampire doesn't shed or howl." Markus argued with North.

"I don't shed!" Josh was slightly offended.

"Come oooon. I can walk him, and feed him, and teach him cool tricks." North grinned.

"What the fuck is happening right now?"

"Your pack sucks and you're nice. You're getting adopted by the two most insufferable humans in this part of Michigan." Simon smiled "Don't worry. You'll get a bed, access to hot water and tv, as well as treats. They'll spoil you rotten."

"...Well I can't argue with that." Josh snorted. "I haven't showered in months and the smell of wet dog after I take a dip in the lake is pretty bad."

"Good choice." Simon laughed "Come on Markus, you always did say you wanted a pet."

"I was thinking along the lines of a canary or cockatoo..."

At the end of their trip to the cabin Markus relented, having grown very fond of Josh, and the werewolf collected what little belongings he had at the den before joining them at the cabin and sitting in the back of North's car with Simon.

The other wolves wouldn't miss him anyway, so he didn't bother to say goodbye. If anything he hoped he'd not hear from them ever again.

Thank god his wolf had a good eye for nice folk. North, Markus and Simon were weird, but they were his brand of weird.

He could get used to not living rough for once.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: oi walsh Ali: wanna go to a party where the guestlist is undesirable Ali: not in the cool way Ali: but the drinks will be aplenty Carly: u had me @ party but keep talking Ali: obviously you love when I chat you up Ali: family function but they ain't gonna force smalltalk on you w the booze, like so no fear Carly: love wen ur offering 2 take me away Carly: compliments are a beautiful bonus Carly: ur hot bro gonna b there?? Ali: easy Ali: take you somewhere better than wherever he is after if you play your cards right Ali: and someone isn't too OD'd on beer and BBQ by tonight to organise a decent shindig Carly: yea lads r sooo easy Carly: its boring Carly: showing my cards we should get some 💊 & fly through it Ali: 👌 Ali: sadly my mother refuses to address her issues so no stocked medicine cabinet here to raid Ali: I'll ask about Carly: ha Carly: mine don't Carly: I've got this Carly: show your love later Ali: 🙌 Ali: gimme her number Ali: put in the groundwork now like the overachiever I am Carly: [does give her number out] Carly: k but you love me more Ali: obviously Ali: love of my life Ali: gotta rep my manners with your ma though Carly: said as ur slipping ur 💍 off & giving some other bitch the 👀 Carly: how my da works Ali: hmm Ali: better leave her alone then Ali: don't need to repeat her mistakes Carly: if 1 person did the cabinet wouldn't be full for us Carly: let's keep one 'rent 💔 at a time Ali: smart Ali: that's why you're my bae Carly: its cos I kno how to juggle 💘 Carly: & other body parts ofc Ali: 😂 Ali: and a decent trip, hopefully 🤞 Ali: your mum's got a mixture, yeah or do I need to bring tissues Ali: or 🥊 Ali: what's the #mood Carly: whatever you want it to be baby Carly: shes got docs wrapped around her finger Carly: hers anyway Carly: mine's a woman & she refuses to flirt w her own gender Ali: k am a bit in love with her now Ali: soz Ali: clearly send her in, she'll change her tune and your prescription Carly: other than my da who isnt Carly: taught me everything I kno Carly: leave her a message she'll hit you back if you pretend to be hot lad Ali: 💔 that Carly: same I could have two mas Carly: more clothes & drugs to steal Ali: idk, my missus might reckon your da's a style icon Carly: ha Carly: she coming? Ali: nah Ali: you wanna see actual flirting w a middle-aged woman, like, she's your woman Ali: I can't Carly: on her bday she'll propose a 3way w ur ma Carly: been there Ali: 🤢 Ali: that's vile Ali: her diehard need to be more chivalrous than any man should work in my favour for once, like Carly: k Carly: tell me I'm wrong wen she's 1 year older & you ain't had to nah that Ali: bold of you to assume we won't be happily married by then, babe Ali: it ain't til feb Ali: hint hint buy me something Carly: ur married to me Carly: so you gotta say no Carly: & i kno ur a typical aquarius Carly: but I said hers you weren't listening such a hubby mood Ali: wish I could be the man you want and say I don't remember when it is Ali: but I think I do so Ali: 💔 fucking estrogen and empathy strikes again Ali: ultimate cockblock Carly: im not wrapping myself in a ribbon for her so idc when it is Ali: gutted for her Ali: when's yours then Carly: I'm a gemini girl Carly: guess Ali: ah fuck Ali: gonna have to kick it belated Ali: just means I have to go harder so enjoy Ali: hmm Ali: gonna go for 21st Carly: 😢 Carly: nope Ali: damn Ali: just wishful thinking I'd only just missed it, tbh Ali: it's June though, not May Ali: I'm positive Carly: yea Ali: I'll ask our mans Ali: shake him down for all that knowledge I'm sure he's hiding Carly: try it Carly: be funny Carly: how wrong he is Ali: counting on it Ali: how else am I stealing his girl Carly: im not his Carly: already yours Ali: 'course Ali: you seen him much since partygate Carly: just waved him out before you hit me w your invite Carly: y i said yea so fast Ali: I get it Ali: making him leave was always harder than it had any right being Ali: least he didn't invite himself Carly: he makes himself comfortable if I am or not Carly: revolving door on this caravan too so Ali: having 'nam flashbacks Ali: yikes Ali: let's not waste any more time talking 'bout exes tonight Ali: or currents Carly: did your ma let him in on her way out too or does she only like the girls ur w? Carly: aw you don't wanna talk Carly: let me apply gloss hold on Ali: safe to assume he's not coming 'cos of multiple people Ali: not just Lene Ali: 🍓 if you got it, babe Carly: & she's not coming cos of multiple ppl not just ur ma Carly: you not a 🍒 girl hm Carly: interesting Ali: she's not coming 'cos I ain't asked her Ali: awkward if my mother has taken the initiative but help the party go with a swing, I guess Ali: nah, you're a 🍓 girl Ali: too sweet for 🍒 Carly: cos you asked me i kno 😍 so cute Carly: aw you want me to taste how i naturally do Carly: even cuter Ali: be more fun Ali: invite her to my next protest or something more fitting Ali: nothing personal Carly: hey i can be loud Carly: do it all the time Ali: aw you want all her invites now? 😏 Carly: yea Carly: you want me you got me 💍 Ali: alright Ali: you're on Carly: k Ali: get ready for so many adventures Carly: 😊 Carly: wot am i wearing to this 1? Carly: gotta dress for hot bros & disapproving mas Ali: 🙄 Ali: if that's the mood you wanna go for Ali: though idk why you'd choose that over turning my head but go off, honey Carly: i can do that in what Im wearing rn Carly: gimme a challenge Ali: love the confidence Ali: my ma ain't but you will need it with my brother Carly: they all play hard to get until i get there Carly: being easy keeps it easy for them Carly: not my first bbq Ali: nah babe Ali: remember, we're ditching before it gets to that part of the evening Ali: soz to 💔 but I'll be nicer about it than he would so also welcome Carly: throw the keys in the salad bowl as soon as i get there idc Carly: no foreplay needed Ali: gotta get you outta the caravan park more, babe7 Carly: yea Carly: im walking now before he can follow me Ali: meet you halfway? Ali: will bring a crowbar if he's being that clingy Carly: ha Carly: im in the stash don't be sad Carly: ill leave you lots Ali: 👍 leave me chance to catch up too and no worries Carly: ofc Carly: 💙 Ali: you're a doll Carly: yea thats y everyone wants to fuck me Ali: nah Ali: plenty of other reasons for that though Carly: its k you dont need to list off ur compliments 1 per 💊 Carly: i feel the love Ali: you ain't saving me that many, I know 💚 Carly: aw Carly: ur so sweet Ali: nicer to my wives than my girlfriends, obvs Ali: pecking order Carly: 😊 Carly: she's still lucky to have you cos ur an angel to me Ali: you Ali: trust, no angel Ali: and that ain't some juvenile attempt at a brag there Carly: it's a flirt 😈😉 ha Carly: you wanna misbehave w me in front of your whole fam im there Ali: assuming my brother ain't up for it, obvs Carly: cant i have both Carly: what kind of bi r u Ali: one that don't like her brother's handmedowns Ali: lived that life long enough Ali: he ain't a style icon either Carly: ur first Carly: hes maybe Ali: was hoping if we skipped ronan and lene off the guestlist we could avoid the punch-up, tbh babe Carly: aw you dont wanna fight for me Carly: 💔😢 Ali: I mean my brother's girlfriend will have you Ali: only tryna protect, not kill your vibe Carly: scarier than your gf? Ali: deffo Ali: she wishes, the real threesome request that'll spell the end of it all 🙄 Carly: hes forgotten then Carly: be more fun just me & you Ali: obviously Ali: been tryna tell you but easier to prove it Carly: k Carly: ready when you are Ali: soz, forgot shoes Ali: gimme 5 Carly: ha Carly: im not wearing any & im fine Carly: you just wanna do a last mirror check for me 💙 so cute Ali: 😂 Ali: such a pisstake, you walsh Carly: part time flower child you Carly: but its k i still love you Ali: just defending why I'm being so slow Ali: obvs my 😍 weighing me down but lemme have some pride, woman Carly: ha Carly: you're my cute 🐌 Ali: now you're gonna be adorable, fucking hell Ali: you're dangerous Carly: if you cant handle me now wait til I come up Carly: 💊s are the real danger baby Ali: I'll be caught up by then Ali: might have to double-down but I can handle that, no worries Carly: they r being so slow 😢😢😢 Ali: ride it out, baby Carly: you sounded like him then Carly: except hes never called me baby ever Ali: oh dear Ali: I've gone full dickhead Ali: 😬 Ali: I'll take it down a notch Carly: no youre being sweet Carly: theres just lots of ways to trigger a fuck flashback when youre me Carly: dont change Ali: dunno if I could but glad you still wanna keep me around Carly: ofc Carly: i love you Ali: you're so pure Carly: not for years soz boo Carly: & this stash aint either Carly: such a let down 💔😢 Ali: shh Ali: we can make it work Ali: there's enough here to get crossfaded Carly: just dont hate me k Ali: why and how could I ever Ali: silly wabbit Carly: easily Carly: my phones full of Ali: you gonna fuck my girlfriend? Ali: or me and leg it Ali: neither's likely so we're all good, baby girl Carly: she scares me still even if she would have an amazing collection of giant strap ons Ali: 😂 Ali: well I can neither confirm nor deny Carly: no need its every lesbian of her kind Carly: labelled herself Ali: just don't bring up penis envy Ali: she'll lose it Ali: #freudstarteditbabe Carly: can i ask her what she'd do first if she woke up w one? Carly: fave ice breaker Ali: it is gold Ali: but save it 'cos it's just me and you remember Carly: do you wanna know my answer Ali: of course Carly: guess Carly: you owe me a right answer for my wrong bday Ali: Hmm okay Ali: would you Ali: bang as many people as humanly possible Carly: i do that anyway Ali: well you get banged, if we wanna be misogynistic about it Ali: I know what I'd do Carly: more fun with more holes tho so I'm not mad Carly: first thing I'd do is measure to see if I need to brag or exaggerate Ali: pragmatic of you Ali: hadn't even considered that Carly: wanna know if mine's bigger than the lads I've been w ofc Carly: size matters idc what small dicked lads are trying to say Ali: yeah but they're always thinking length when really Ali: girth is where it's at Carly: yea Carly: shouldve taught that in school Ali: how to measure circumference Ali: they defs did Carly: yea?? Carly: idk Ali: I'll show you Ali: on a beer can Ali: unrealistic expectation but you get the idea Carly: all my expectations r unrealistic Carly: make me cum is a stretch for most lads on site Ali: babe Ali: gonna make me 😥 Carly: youre the pure 1 aint you Carly: aw Ali: hardly Ali: saying at least I get that, like Ali: minimum Carly: your gf has some uses that arent being your ma's BFF Ali: precisely Ali: I would've been a bit kinder with it but in a nutshell Ali: what about ronan at least Carly: have you forgotten him now youve upgraded Carly: shouldnt need my review Ali: shh, he'll cry Carly: he was when i wouldnt let him stay for dinner idc Ali: poor boy 😏 Carly: one of his other girls can cook for him Carly: my ma aint there & i aint doing it Ali: he needs to just give in and marry one of his own Ali: it's what he wants, no matter what he reckons Carly: he told me he is Carly: but hes said worse for a fuck so idk Ali: rude Ali: where's my invite to mourn my loss, boy Carly: ill tell him to text you Carly: wont have lost your number Ali: got the drunk texts to prove it Ali: bless Carly: ha Carly: only answer mine tho Carly: 💍 perks Ali: only if I ain't also there with ya Carly: yea Carly: youre gonna b w me forever so Ali: I'll just tell you in person then Ali: if you tell me Ali: deal? Carly: k Carly: i feel happy Carly: 😊😊😊😊😊 Ali: you're on your way Ali: where are you, btw Carly: the longest road ever Ali: hm, tell me about it Ali: I'll run Ali: in dramatic, sexy slo-mo Carly: me too Carly: only way i run Carly: see you when we collide Ali: wifey goals Ali: won't even try and make it our lips that collide Ali: scout's honour Carly: anticipations more fun Carly: plenty of other places I can touch you first Ali: we'll pretend you meant my 💘 Carly: i did that first night @ first 👀 Ali: no lie, we'll have to think of somewhere else innocent-sounding then Ali: do some experimenting, straight girl Carly: i have Carly: i told you ready when you are Ali: I told you, dangerous Carly: only if you get caught Carly: i won't tell if you don't Carly: so good at keeping secrets Ali: I'll sort it Ali: I made vows Ali: she'll understand Carly: were just taking them seriously Carly: nobody can be mad about that Ali: deadly, like Ali: also forgot a bra, naturally and this run is killing me Carly: somewhere innocent I can touch you then Carly: god works in obvious ways Carly: like you Ali: please Ali: if I was doing it for your benefit sure I'd put one on Ali: show 'em off Carly: you kno you dont need to Carly: not your first bbq either Ali: 😏 Ali: maybe Carly: no maybe u kno Carly: & you can feel my 😍 Carly: travelling faster than my slo mo run Ali: love being your wcw, babe 😉 Carly: idk what that is Carly: but if the first letters arent wild child I'm sad Ali: that's far less straight girl so we'll go with it Ali: hope for you yet, like Carly: youre not gonna tell me what it means Ali: woman crush wednesday Ali: used exclusively by girls like Leesha and that Carly: omg i think my ma said that @ the telly the other night Carly: it wasnt wednesday Ali: feeling like hyping up Chezza whatever the night Ali: I 👀 you Carly: but youre wrong Carly: i dont have a crush on you i love you Ali: so if I need a kidney you're down Ali: but no gay shit Ali: 👌 Carly: yea cos whats mine is yours Carly: all of me Carly: so you can have anything you want Ali: good to know Ali: make a killing on the black market Carly: just tell me if youre draining me in the tub so i can have a good last nite before Carly: & stop making me beg for gay shit that's not a mood Carly: i dont do the begging its the other way round Carly: ask anyone Ali: of course Ali: I ain't an animal Ali: you don't have to beg Carly: what do you want me to say then Ali: what you want Ali: obviously Carly: find me Carly: you can do that yea Ali: easy Ali: [does 'cos how long can one road be] Carly: [most excited hug that turns into the longest hug & moment because well we know] Ali: [turns it into linking arms and walking 'fore shit gets too real here] Carly: [is just happy & loling & chatting shit which is endless compliments basically like her eyes being tiny skies & sunshine hair etc you get the idea because high af] Ali: [is listening and not dismissing it 'cos not that bitch but also knows she's high so not being like ooh lol, 'you're so pure'] Carly: [dramatically stops cos remembers suddenly that she needs to give Ali her share so does, sad & mad at herself like she's so upset she nearly forgot bless] Ali: [cups her chin like hey and tells her it's okay whilst looking in her eyes as she takes her share] Carly: [back to being smiley just like that because reassurance bitch & takes her hand & leads her along cos handholding ftw] Ali: [is happy she's happy again] Carly: [her phone is going off cos Ronan but she's ignoring cos only got eyes for Alison rn] Ali: ['you put love eggs in or?'] Carly: [talks in depth about how she's drawing the line at borrowing that kinda shit from her ma cos oversharer even when she ain't high & also throws her phone to Ali playfully like no look so we can imagine how lovely those messages are even just from the first line preview thing] Ali: [takes Carly's thumb so she can open it and reply 'cos that bitch] Carly: [is just loling even though this is such a bad idea] Ali: [schools him in a way that probably sounds familiar lbr] Carly: [then a selfie sesh cos those bitches they love themselves] Ali: [takes her sunnies off her head and puts 'em on Carly 'cos her eyes are massive/pinholed depending which way we're rocking this lol] Ali: [does a 'shh' like no one's gonna know] Carly: [you know she's keeping them sunnies forever now soz] Ali: [just swinging their arms having a gay old time] Carly: [just singing something as they going cos no stage fright when high af & her voice is nice so its a moment] Ali: [😍] Carly: [more compliments when she notices Ali is looking at her cos she's pretty af lbr] Ali: ['how many other hidden talents you got, like?'] Carly: [thinks about it way harder than the question warrants like its a hard question cos lowkey is when you don't reckon you got any skills. Says 11 cos bday clue & lucky number with a mysterious expression like but then laughs cos if she has to ever back that up awks] Ali: [lols back but squeezes her hand like don't doubt it] Carly: [looks down at her feet because actually is shoeless here 'how far?'] Ali: [gestures like 'piggyback?' but ain't that far in my mind] Carly: [accepts because always, good thing Ali is strong & Carly is skinny cos they literally the same height] Ali: [galloping about and into your function like idiots 'cos she's coming up now too] Carly: [miracle that Carly don't fall cos not holding on properly cos wants to stretch her arms out so its like a bike with no handlebars situation lol] Ali: [imagine everyone's faces lmao] Carly: [Tess scowl be like seen from space] Ali: [gets situated on the grass and is just helping herself to drinks Carly: [is just having a little dance by herself cos feeling great not soz everyone especially not soz Ro cos you wish you could babe] Ali: [at least little rock can join in] Carly: [aw the two of them dancing together like cute nerds & she's spinning him round & everything] Ali: [just ignoring all her fam's questions and being chatty af like nothing's weird 'cos high, then joining in 'cos duh more fun[ Carly: [all you can hear is Carly's laugh which is the best so deal with it fam thank you, let my sweet baby angel be happy] Ali: [when you being blatant af] Carly: [when you don't need to be touching a girl who has a girlfriend this much when you dancing in a non sexy way but you is] Ali: [defs need a sprinkler they can all be running through] Carly: [wet t-shirts ftw I see you] Ali: [is motioning like come to my room but not like that lads, just get some weed like you need it] Carly: [takes some drinks with her but the only mental image I have is when Lily in Skins with armfuls when she says keep your vagina on & I'm loling] Ali: [hey ro hey] Carly: [okay but Carly trying to talk to her & being so nice cos she's so pure & Ro being so rude] Ali: [even in her state given her all the disappointed looks like ??] Carly: [this sweet child laughing it off cos how she do but how dare you Ro, I'm mad] Ali: [going to the kitchen for food, accidental ultimate ro shade] Carly: [just following Ali cos she's never been here & don't know where she's going but quieter cos you can tell she's thinking what did I do wrong cos how her brain works] Ali: [being reassuring af] Carly: [sitting on the kitchen counter swinging her legs looking so cute with her dirty feet & drinks from the tap cos she do what she want] Ali: ['you look beautiful'] Carly: [smiles & laughs like its chill but is seriously 😳 cos who says nice things to her like this ever] Ali: [gets them and rocky ice lollies bye everyone else] Carly: [when you eating it seductively without being aware or trying to be that cos its your life] Ali: [is giggling 'cos high] Carly: [more compliments because how cute] Ali: [lays her head in her lap to 'cloudgaze' aka sneak peeks] Carly: [playing with her hair & freckles sporadically because she's soft & intimate like that, be more blatant girl, love it] Ali: [doing daisychain around her wrist 'cos bringing it back] Carly: [finally remembers there are drinks so is on that but v distracted looking at & touching Ali, oh girl same we all would] Ali: [tryna be chill but obvs into it regardless of how 'straight she is] Carly: [lies in the grass & does snow angel moves like she can flatten the grass & make one, god bless you babe, brings Ali with her so they just snuggling cos we can be this blatant] Ali: [just stroking her hair nbd] Carly: [loves it & is making it known by talking about how good it feels & throwing out compliments like its her job sorry for how gay this is everyone but she thinks Ali is the best so] Ali: [backatcha telling her how pure and sweet she is and they're just blabbing at each other] Carly: [soz k stew but this is cute] Ali: [when you wanna kiss her so bad 'cos you're high and happy and this is a mood] Carly: [I'll either save or condemn us cos she's gonna go take some more pills so they don't wear off so they could be alone if Ali goes with & she'd be dragging her along so v dangerous] Ali: [looking at themselves in the mirror and making funny faces] Carly: [& Carly just peeing cos no shame, same tbh] Ali: [but doing like war/festival style paint on each other's face with like, whatever lipstick has been left in that bathroom] Carly: [but think how close Ali would have to be to her face to do that like how has she not kissed her, applause needed honestly] Ali: [draws a lil heart on Carly's nose] Carly: [can't stop looking at herself cos loves it] Ali: [takes loads of pictures, improtu bathroom photoshoot sesh] Carly: [likewise taking loads of pics of Ali but like weird close ups cos she gaaaaaaaay & focused on the details] Ali: [posing 'cos we know she's about it lmao] Carly: [more touching of freckles like she's gonna draw something connect the dots style but just using her fingers cos they are perfect as they are & she'd say so] Ali: [not much would phase her but she would be blushing rn] Carly: [just gushing about how adorable she is endlessly like it'd be too much from anyone else] Ali: [keeps saying ILY 'cos being off your face ftw] Carly: [saying it back of course & all the terms of endearment like baby, angel etc cos that's just how she is anyway] Ali: [someone, probably Tess, banging on the door like they're desperate, we see you ma] Carly: [jumps out of her skin, again same] Ali: [hugs her protectively] Carly: [smelling her hair like a peak gay during the hug because lbr it'd smell nice, no shade or shame here, more compliments for that obvs] Ali: [going back downstairs before there's a brawl but when you ain't even phased 'cos something happening here deal fam Carly: [when you lowkey dancing your way back out cos you happy af & you find the dog on the way so you're carrying him with you & kissing & loving him & its adorable sorry bye] Ali: [and spuds such a funny looking boy lmao] Carly: [lying on the grass again spooning the dog & singing to him probably a song from when she was little & her mum cared like he a baby] Ali: [just watching and melting 'cos actually so cute, don't cry bitch lmao] Carly: [sees her & crawls over like hey, curling up with her again because the lap is a mood forever & we need to claim it from your future child for the gays] Ali: [doing teeny tiny plaits in her hair and humming the song she was just singing to the dog] Carly: [just chatting shit the whole time soz everyone else but they loving life let them be] Ali: [just getting to know each other hardcore 'cos neither of them has much time for small talk or bullshit anyway so on drugs it'd be like 1000 percent more intense, also shamelessly ignore a call and multiple texts from your actual girlfriend] Carly: [but then after all that because I'm evil & she's 'straight' let's say she makes eye contact with Fraze somehow so off she goes to flirt with him as if that's even a possibility when you know it'd just be annoying like her taking his 🚬 to try & be so cool & seductive, babe no. He's just like Ali control your girls] Ali: [is annoyed but not gonna do anything unless it got more dramatic like you deal, casually going through her phone to find a party or something] Carly: [Fraze just being such a dickhead soz Carly also knowing that's Bea's lipstick because of course he does so loling about her & Ali's impending doom] Carly: [also Ro coming out cos someone made her to 'eat' so just being super judgey such joy] Ali: [fully like fuck this like don't kill my vibe fam so walking like she just gonna go in the house but really she peacing] Ali: if ur done come back out Carly: where d u go? Ali: found us a party Carly: k Carly: [catches up to her like oh hey] Ali: [tells her it ain't far to go and starts walking] Carly: [looks down at her feet like she only just remembered she's not wearing shoes but doesn't miss a beat in keeping in step with her because being gay is more important] Carly: dont b mad @ me Ali: [looks down too and is like, we can go get shoes first if you want lol] Ali: I ain't Carly: the colours around you have changed Carly: i kno u r Ali: nah it's like Ali: hmm Ali: I'm not sure what it's like Carly: like me again Carly: [is saying sorry because always quick to that one] Ali: ['I do, you don't need to say that'] Carly: [trying to give Ali her drink as a peace offering like hmm I've done something wrong must make amends somehow] Carly: [& then more pills when she remembers she has them still] Ali: [shrugs like why not and accepts, cue Leesha and probably her 'best' friend tottering out of her house looking the most overdressed] Carly: [Carly loling because she has the whole day but these bitches taking it as a slight against their everything] Ali: [Leesha started shouting the odds 'cos mother's daughter and obvs already white girl wasted, Ali like let's just go 'cos over it] Carly: [Carly offering her pills cos change your mood babe & being looked at like she's offering poison, you've been there before Leesha I get it] Ali: [tryna lowkey drag her away before this becomes the Thing tm they want it to be for the #drama] Carly: [Carly just chatting about Ali's heroics & how sweet she is cos knight in shining armor for her forever lbr just like 😍] Ali: [loling] Carly: [Carly just out the blue like 'you should kiss her, then she'd be happier' like no babe Leesha ain't you but I love the softness of your world view] Ali: ['fully converted, are you?'] Carly: [lols but is also like 'you haven't kissed me yet' with a cute little pouty face as she walks on slightly ahead looking at the sky] Ali: ['Night still young, baby'] Carly: [clearly is buzzing about this & not hiding that 'I love you more than her' how unspecific she could mean Leesha or K stew or both, god bless] Ali: [is all 'I know' but not 'cos she's a cocky bitch lmao 'cos you're pure'] Carly: [puts her arms up like a child who wants to be picked up cos she wants Ali to carry her into the party] Ali: [does 'cos duh even if she's joking about how high maintenance she is] Carly: [snuggling into her the whole time cos she's soft] Ali: [let's hope it's not too far, probably some 20-something hippie waster's chill thing] Carly: [when you humming but using Ali's heartbeat as your basis for a tune cos gaaaaaaaaaaay] Ali: [when you're harmonizing] Carly: [#goals for real] Carly: [but then she gotta stop so she can compliment Ali again cos we know her voice is fire but Carly didn't necessarily know this] Ali: ['we should jam for real some time'] Carly: [cue her rambling stage fright reveal because like we said no time for bullshit so its just being put out there & she's like 'you'll have to sing to me'] Ali: [is like okay but silently thinking of all the ways she could help her confidence 'cos that bitch but not gonna be pushy and patronizing about it 'cos not THAT bitch] Carly: [just staring at her adorably all like 'what are you thinking about?'] Ali: ['you'] Carly: [such a big smile but also blushing 'good things?'] Ali: [just gives her a look that's like what do you think and obviously, yes] Carly: [a big hug moment and kisses her on her forehead cos where the thoughts come from] Ali: [the mess of lipstick their faces are] Carly: [they must look crazy, living for it] Ali: [good thing no one at this party will care, turn up and chatting to people and the usual] Carly: [there should be someone there for Carly to hook up with to hurt Ali's heart & reaffirm the 'straightness'] Ali: [when you can't 'cos you got a gf, gutted] Carly: [who is probably still trying to contact you cos highkey] Ali: [text her back girl, come on] Carly: [do it while your real gf is getting you a drink lol] Ali: [let's text]

[decodervon]

all of this is terrible.

I dont care the world is drowning in it's own blood.

this was always going to happen. we dont live in a safe world. they're arent magic angels keeping everyone safe.

but all I think about in these times are you.

I hate myself for it. I hate that I'm in love with someone who isnt in love with me. it was the only thing I knew how to do right; dedicate my soul to you.

I know it was kind of a fetish to pretend to have kids together. like a naughty make believe. but i.. that's something my body innately wants to do. and my mind chooses you.

it blows my mind to think I actually wanted kids with you. kids period. like who knows of I would have ever brought it up or wanted to follow through.. but that's still.. big.

my mind spends so much time thinking what I can do or say to get you to leave him. I never have any ideas, because I recognize the behavior and shut it down, but it starts right up again the second I try to forget about it.

I guess I never tried asking. Will you please leave him for me? I still love you. I miss you every day. I want to treat you the way you're supposed to be treated for the rest of our lives. I will always hold you at the top of my list and love you as hard as i can.

but I know you dont have faith in me. a lot of that rattles around in me. you saying you want to have faith in me. it doesn't make sense. you either have faith or you dont. trust is something you want to have in someone. that's something given over time. faith is innate. like. agnostics want to have faith in god, but it will never happen. faith is... a certain understanding. its seeing how everyone around is affected.. its seeing how your life changes. its understanding that the other person, even alone, is still there for you. no plots or schemes against you or behind your back. they're there and honest because they want to be, not because they have to.

I'm thinking about blocking you from my stories.

I know. it might not make immediate sense. why now? didnt I say I wasnt going to do that?

what I said was: "I promised myself I'm not going to spend myself anymore for you." and by that I meant, I will not spend any extra thought or emotional strength in relation to you unless I choose to. I would run myself ragged trying to calm your anxieties or get you to take a break. trying to help explain away your fears so your logical mind could rest. I know what its like to be as smart as you and overthink. I spent a lot of my time trying to support you. trying to support your mind and feelings. I managed my own and yours as best I could.

anyhow. I didnt block you at first because I was mad. I wasnt trying to intentionally spite you, but if you saw my pain or my happiness? good. eff you. etc. it wasnt good and it wasnt evil. and then I started to notice you noticing. I started to hope for it. I wanted you to see me in pain and I wanted you to reach out. I miss you and I wanted to cry for help. you're the only person I can say, "I'm scared and I dont know if I'm going to survive" but the lack of faith comes in. to you, to someone who hasn't any faith left, that's a manipulation tactic, it's a way to get you to do something. but that's assuming that I think you'll do anything for me. we're so far apart now that nothing like that can or would work, even if that WAS my tactic, which it's not.

the real and sad truth is: I'm flailing. I'm drowning in my own head and I'm reaching out for the person I need when I think I'm going to drown. and the sad part is: it's you. who thinks this is all a play. all a game. all a tactic. but I cant stop myself from thinking about the love you two share. I cant stop thinking about how he takes care of you now. I cant stop thinking that hes who you're sharing your emotions with. and I know that he is. you pretty much said as much.

it's how you work and I know that much. he likes you, so he'll listen to anything you want to complain about. you could cry about anything and hell just ask for more. you're cute enough and he barely knows you. it's the same thing I would do.

anyhow. I cant turn those thoughts off. I cant. just like you cant turn your anxieties off. or your fears. this is my truest, most ultimate realized fear: you moving on. my mind is panicking. my heart is racing. my dreams and nightmares are filled with you. the only manipulation I want is for you to love me and I'll say it flat out. I miss your care and I miss you. we learned how to communicate 1 second too late and its tragic. you must understand how immensely tragic that is.

but I also do know you. you didnt leave kenny when I asked you to. I know in your head, you did. but you went back to him within months. you cant break up with someone on tuesday and date them again on friday. that's not a break. that's nothing. you know for a fact I would leave everything for you. you literally just have to say the word. but you're not like that. you're practical. you're pragmatic. you want the best bang out of your buck and with no faith in me, what would happened if you did choose me, I was bad, and you burned a bridge with your current boyfriend for no reason? youd be in the cold, looking like a fool.

and I know that's what ultimately stops you. "self-preservation" some might call it. or even "selfish". it really depends on who you're going back to.

and I know you still see me as a monster. but as you get older and start to lose yourself to pain and the normal human anguish.. you'll understand that you're not as solid as you though. you'll change and flail and understand. I was a good man in a bad time. I would've changed the world for you if you asked.

anyways.. that's neither here nor there. blocking you. now that I'm craving you. now that I miss you and want to see you and think about how good our conversations are..? I long for you. I pine for you. I try and hold onto the anger, because it makes me forget about you. but I cant hold onto it like I did before we talked. you helped me process it and I'm left with the infinite sadness.

if I do end up blocking you, it's because I know my stories are just gossip to you. it's something to talk about when the conversation has a lull. you dont care about what I'm going through. not enough to do anything. you care enough to watch it unfold and watch me slowly drown and die. it's all a tragic story to you that's a million miles away. but it's my life. its my day to day. I check my viewers now so I can see you saw it and it's all wrong. I cant be doing that. whether I'm angry or sad... I have to forget about you. because you wont embrace your emotions and come back to me. that's not how this story ends. we're not in some fairy tale where you finally understand and I show up to interrupt your wedding and say, "I have an objection!" and steal you away on my motorcycle. theres no surprise party waiting for me. the story just... ends. unceremoniously like it almost didnt even happen.

I dont want to be something for your tokien curiosity to inquire on. I want your love. I want your secret calls at 2am. I want you to flee and find yourself in your car outside my house. I want to embrace you and hear you whisper that I'm better.

so if I stop showing up for you.. you'll know why.

I might even end up deleting this space.

[survivorkomnata]

Episode #1: "I'm ready to punch a bitch." - Timmy

I swear to god... If y'all cast any of my enemies I'm gonna DIE. I need a chance to STRIVE AND NOT DIE.

Omg getting in the game feels soo amazing, like I have said I have not played in sooo long so i feel this will be the ultimate test for my capabilities, the good thig is that not many people know each other so that’s good. My idea for the first day is just to talk to everyone see where they are if they know anyone etc etc. This is just veery exciting!

Feeling good about my tribe, most people have actually talked which is a big plus. Getting good vibes from Shea, and Miguel, and Federico a bit. If Alyssa is the Alyssa I know she’ll be fun to work with too. Still though, early days on the Kato beach. First challenge is kind of annoying though as some of the items are ??? But I’ve done some videos and I’ll try and do more.

WOOO the game has started!! I'm excited for the most part except.... THERES TOO MANY TUMBLR FACES HERE. I wanted an entirely new slate and a whole new cast for me but I guess that's a rip! I know Alyssa, StephenW, Zach, Timmy, Jess, and TJ!

I think that the idol system is definitely cute!! And I want to get an idol so yeah!

I think I'm hitting it off pretty well with Zach (He's probably good with peeps tbh), and Liam (Even though I confused his intro with Daniel's)

The challenge is a scavenger hunt aka my least favorite challenge so thanks, I hate it!!

I can already tell that this is going to be an interesting season just based on the people that I already know coming into the game. I'm happy that on my tribe I already know Tim, Jess, and Zach so that should be good for me for at least the first few rounds. I don't really want to stick with the people I already know though because that's boring. I'm happy Alyssa is on the other tribe and not my tribe right now because I have no intention on working with her because people love doing whatever she says in orgs and I'm not here for it. If we get onto a tribe together or both make it to merge, she is my target and I won't be quiet about it. Might as well focus on my own tribe for now though. Besides the 3 mentioned before, I have only spoken to Karthik who seems alright so that's good. Only issue is that he's like 10.5 hours ahead timewise so that's going to be interesting. I still need to talk to the others but all in good time.

hie girlies this is my first confessional of the SEASON! as always, i'll just give a typical analysis of each person on my tribe, how i vibe with them, etc. i'll also throw in some random pieces of info i guess woo. this is finna be long btw.

jess - she's a likeable queen but she has a big tendency to leave me on read. i think this is either her thinking i'm boring but i'm not sure. ik in TS guyana she was criticized at FTC for being lacklustre in responding so i'm hoping it's just that opposed to something on my behalf. she's really cool tho!! karthik - karthik is short in response sometimes but never leaves our convo on read, which i respect. he seems to know that i won embb9 + am 'really liked' in the community.. he rlly is delusional huh? jk ASKGDS he's great tho. i know my friends like him and he can be a great player so i'm anticipating working with him hopefully. stephen - stephen is a king too. he's someone that probably would know some of my game ig but... who knows. he's relevant in EM. our conversations have been fun and i'm really hoping to get close to him because he seems chill. timmy - i know timmy from tumblr. currently he's not that great socially but i do like him and we have a long ass snapchat streak. there are a few tumblrs in this game but afaik i don't have any bad blood with him so i'm def planning on roping him in. the most recent thing is he backdoored my mom's duo in his last org AKSGLDSG so... stan list. daniel - daniel knows me from a past org that i put no effort into, which i think is fine because i really only made it far since my duo/partner dragged me. i'mma play up a perception with him, but he is really cool as of now. i am SOOO worried that i did something bad or mean in that game and he's going 2 haunt me LOL. tim - tim is the person i've connected with most. he's really chill, actively messages me back, and is just fun and flirty. we've already talked about him and his potential boy, our favourite cereals and overall eating. i know him from tumblr too, but vaguely, but i was apart of the 'evil friendgroup' whereas he was on the other, 'nice friendgroup', but i'm hoping that has minimal impact if any. liam - liam is fine. i know him from FB but we've never interacted. he knows i played egypt so... if that's his perception of me.. i'm FLYING. he's really nice though + is a fellow canadian, so i'm hoping to get close to him. woo!! ally - saving the best for last. ally is really nice and i do like her a lot. she is sweet and like... we're great pals ?? ASGKDSG jk idk. we played a game together where i immunity ran final 6 onwards and voted her out twice (f4/3) and it left a bitterish taste in her mouth (but rightfully so for how i handled it). we are friends but i'm scared that she aint finna let me far. idk. i want her out soon bc she could do damage but i'd also be 10000% down to work with her again this game. WOOO idk. love u ally.

so that's the cast assessment. as for other stuff... well... the games fun. i hope some peoples lack of activity is just my paranoia rather than them hating me, because i don't want to come off as aggressive or anything, and in fact, i want to tone it down slightly this game AKSGDSGL. some dynamics/(matt please forgive me)meta this game include: alyssa / jess - a loyal duo in TS guyana. tim / stephen /// timmy - all tumblr girlies. not sure how close they are. i think stephen/tim were part of the 'nice friendgroup' on tumblr iirc. ally / fede - obvious friends, they literally FLIRT in the public VL (jokingly i imagine). they're both nice tho so maybe i make it a trio?? daniel / tj - rlly good friends i think. they're both zwooper kiddos and i think i played with both in that one zwooper game i played, not sure tho. will do research. miguel / liam / shea - idk how close they are but they are all FB-ish people so... i imagine they may have some thing. ally / karthik - i think

there's prob more but that's it for now. i'm not going to focus my game on that meta ^ whatsoever. i just need 2 keep in mind who's with who and who has some friends from before. idk. just a good mental note type thing. every game is a new slate tho so i'm not holding any preconceived notions abt them.

i really love everyone on my tribe thus far. can't wait till i become a bitch tho... i hope dat dont happen AKGLDSG

So, I'm really happy to be here. This is my 3rd or 4th time applying so I feel ready and excited to play! I was super happy to see Alyssa on my tribe as we get along super duper well. I like my tribe overall.

This first challenge has me a bit nervous. I started my new job today and they didn't give me a very long break for the hours I worked and my ankle and knee are really acting up (I broke my ankle in like 2014 and my knee in 2016 and they still hurt a lot sometimes). I'm worried because I'm not sure if I'm going to be physically able to like dance around and do crazy stuff like that. It sucks that the first challenge is something I can't physically.

I'm just hoping even if I don't do the best in the challenge that I can kind of make some strong social ties so I'm not the first one out if we lose. I feel really good about Alyssa, Luke, and Jake right now. My strategy is always just to be in everyones good graces. If nobody wants me out, I won't leave, that's the goal.

I was finally able to get part of my submissions from my challenge submitted and I plan on doing more tomorrow. I have been speaking with most of my tribe mates and I'm liking them a lot. I did get a bit of a late start so I'm worried some alliances might have formed but, it's all part of the game. I have good relations with Shea and Jake and I hope to further relations with Miguel and Federico so I have some solid foundations to work with and so I can hopefully have some numbers in case we go to tribal. I'm also proud of myself for going on camera multiple times for the video portion of the challenge as it was something I would have never considered doing in past orgs I have played.

I'm not the best with confessionals, but I'll try my best! I'm quite enjoying these people so far, and I've really connected well with Zach, Jess, Ally, Karthik and Tim. That being said, I don't wanna really worry about allies just yet, winning is the first priority.

So me and the tribe are getting along pretty well! The challenge is going ok so far but I still want to try and win! It seems as if we lose its Karthik.. but who knows!! Its time for fun pals and gals.

Talking with Luke about not wanting to go to tribal first but I’m low key channeling Aubrey and would love to solidify an alliance as early as possible, which tribals help with.

I'm sad that we lost although I expected to lose and I'm actually quite glad that Karthik got sent to the basement. This means they are safe without me having to campaign for them. The person with the 2nd lowest score, Timmy, should be on the chopping block to my knowledge. I'm lowkey ok with this bc he doesnt contribute much to convos…

Ahh this game has been amazing for me so far! We won the immunity challenge so I won’t have to vote anyone out! I have made genuine connections with many people in the tribe and I got kind of separate deals with, Stephen, Federico, Shea and Luke so I think they have my back. I have also talked a lot with TJ and Jake but no deal or alliance have been made with them. But as a group I don’t have like a group of allies yet just 1 on 1 alliances. In case we lose I would try to vote out either Isaac or Alyssa.

First day is over, and I can't be more relieved. I love the fact that I cannot be the first voted out, and even more, I love that I feel as if I've made some good connections so far. I really think Alyssa and I will be able to work well together. Yes, we have some stuff to work out from before, but I want it to work out such that we can work together throughout this game. I really like Federico and LH, and I'm hoping things stay this way for the time being. I'd like to keep winning, but when that time comes that we lose, I need to be ready.

Okay. Buckle up bitches. It's story time

Just kidding..

So far I'm trying to connect with every single person individually.

Being put on a tribe with the guy who I literally got out in another game less than a month ago is a mood.... I'm working EXTRA HARD on making sure Tim likes me and trusts me. I'm going to use the fact that I'm a loyal a$$ bitch here and hope he thinks I would ride to him to the end (Honestly I probably would. I LOVE TIM).

Other than Tim the other people I'm vibing with so far are my two Canadian QUEENS: Zach and Aly. Aly seems like she can pop-off at any second but so far she seems like someone I can work with going forward. Zach on the other hand needs to STOP BRINGING UP GUYANA. For some reason he's praising me which NORMALLY I'D LOVE because I don't think the words: Jess, Praise, and Guyana have ever been said....but he's putting a target on my back.

Other than my Canucks... I really like Stephen but he's intro SCARES ME. He seems like he's going to cause some chaos down the line...

Everyone else has spoken maybe about 30 words total to me? so yikes.

TOODLES XOXOXO

Well we just lost the challenge ;( I’m hinestlg not feeling too safe at the moment. I was one of the lower scoring players on the tribe, and the lowest was sent to the basement. Right now I feel like a sitting duck. But on the bright side, I think I made a decent connection with Zach and Timmy. So I’m just gonna talk around find out a vote. If it’s not me yay! If it is, then I’ll just have to somehow fight my way through it :p

Woooo first confessional!! I'm liking the start of this game, and I've decided to take it a bit lighter than past games. I'm here to have fun. This doesn't mean I'm not ready to strategize, but maybe the lighter tone will help me not fall under the same mistakes I always make.

I'm getting closer to Miguel and Shea, which is bad if you consider they were the lowest scores in the challenge... They better start getting more involved in this!!!

The fireplace is on. The tea is warm. I'm getting cozy, and I'm not gonna move any time soon…

So I've gotten a chance to talk with most of the people on my tribe. Right now, my closest ally is probably Karth. We have an established history of working well together, and right now, were searching for the idol together. I'm also pretty close with Ally and Zach, and trying to get closer with Jess, though I can't tell if she thinks I'm too gamebotty or not. Ally, Zach, and Jess also seem to have some kind of relationship with each other. Idk if it's an alliance but it's something. In light of this, I'm going to be trying to get closer with Tim, Dan and Liam. I think Tim and Liam know Jess though so that might be a hurdle I need to deal with. Someone I've left out of this discussion is Timmy. I've talked with every voter so far except Dan, and they all seem okay with letting him go. There's always paranoia that they're all just playing me, but I really doubt it is gonna be the case here. My biggest worry now is what position I'll end up in if we keep losing challenges.

HELLO. Okay so we won the Selfie Scavenger Hunt which is GOOD. Someone I don’t know got sent to isolation for the other tribe but that’s fine. TJ and I were kind of on the same page of sending Jess to keep her safe which is good that we are!! She’ll be fine though because she did the best in the selfie scavenger hunt, unsurprisingly. Haven’t really talked game with anyone besides TJ because there’s hasn’t yet been a need to, but I’ve been having personal conversations with most of my tribe! Isaac just messaged me today which I think is the last one. But yeah! Things are going okay! Woo!

So me and Jess are officially aligned! I shared my idol grid with her and we talked about our tribemates. I really haven't connected with everyone but I have at least talked to them. It appears as if the vote will be Timmy unless someone magically pulls out the idol and plays it on him or the vote somehow flips on to someone else. The scary part is that Timmy is being quiet asf.... and I have no idea what is up his sleeve. The basement twist is gonna be really scary next round if we lose and someone can be sent back to the basement twice in a row…

omg hii.. i love my tribe so far tbh!!! i feel close to zach, karth, stephen, jess, and liam. i feel like i’m in an okay spot. i feel a lil weird about playing with a couple of these ppl again - zach and i played in ts and he killed me in 3rd and won the game, and i played with stephen in embb4 and as, i got him out in embb4 and he got me out in all stars lol.... i’m hoping no past game beef comes into play but we’ll see! i’m voting timmy out this tribal, he hasn’t said a word to me so... Shrug Emoji. hopefully everything goes according 2 plan ! i’m glad karth was “exiled” cuz i think he would’ve been a target and i don’t want that. i’ll do a more in depth and full cast analysis l8r~

Oh Timmy.. I want to keep you safe but I also want to take out any possible people Alyssa can work with in the future... you made the mistake of telling me you brought her into the ORG world jkjk. Sorry <3

ON THE REAL THOUGH.... I can't stick my neck out for someone on DAY 3. If the tribe wants Timmy's neck I gotta help deliver it. I just wish he was more SOCIAL because he would def be someone I would like to work with <3

I came into this game, saw Shea, and had an absolute fucking breakdown djdhdjdj. Like who am I? I need to get it together and push in the challenges because I didn’t help with the first one at all because seeing Shea just did something to me? Like? I’m going to try to put more effort in moving forward but right now I feel like Aubry in Kaoh Rong when she had that attack, hopefully I can recover as well as she did.

Why is Daniel trying so hard to save Timmy akdjsjs. Just... let him go in peace plz... also I'm Timmy starting to talk to people for the 1st time since the day of the vote..

I'm ready to punch a bitch. I have no idea what is happening with this tribal and I just hope it's not me. I keep hearing about the "majority" and people want to vote with the "majority" but nobody is saying who it is and what it is just that they don't want to be the one to say a name. So I'm being forced to say Liam because that's easier than Stephen even though Stephen was the one saying my name, but honestly it is what it is, I haven't spoken to Liam so I don't care that much. I just don't get why people play if they're just going to hide behind someone else because that's so stupid, like just play for you. I'm not just saying that because they're going against me, but like where has Liam been and also Stephen is the most vocal right now and he is going to be a problem later on, I can already tell.

Timmy is voted out 6-2.