#I fell in love with an addict once and now that's my entire personality

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

(hi uh sorry i sent that ask very prematurely on accident could you delete the previous one? sorry i just had to rephrase it-)

i was wondering if you were interested in doing a Sozo x reader fic (GN preferably) where the reader tries to help Sozo kick his mushroom habit (as you have done before but i would really like some more in-depth mental support for ant boy) or at least help him not to lose himself even more. This next part includes spoilers for the Sins of the Flesh update so if you haven't played that feel free to wait or skip this part. I would especially like to see his Dr. Sozonius personality starting to shine through again as he gains more clarity, kinda nerding out on mushroom stuff but also extremely sorry for everything he did while under the influence of the Mushrooms

YEAH SOZO REDEMPTION ARC <3

.....

"I promise...no more shrooms...please.."

"I'm sorry, my dear. I just can't take your word for it." Sighing, you gazed hopelessly at your spouse: the belligerent ant locked up in the pillory for the third straight day now, wondering if this was the right thing to do.

This all started after you returned to Spore Grotto one evening, finding the Mushroomos there in a panic, one of them eventually leading you to the inside of Sozo's "home".

He had succumbed to the infection, as his body was laying there in such a grotesque display, covered in fungi and rotting away. Of course, the followers didn't know what to do and begged you to bring Lamb back here, as they haven't visited this place in a while.

At first you didn't want to, thinking they were the reason he was dead. You assumed he was still giving him mushrooms behind your back when you specifically told them not to do that, explaining how you're trying to get him to stop. You made him promise not to consume anymore.

It had to be Lamb's fault.

But the Mushroomos revealed something quite shocking: since he wasn't getting mushrooms, he turned to eating them all alive to satisfy his needs instead, unable to stop. The parasite that held him hostage demanded it so.

And it ended up killing him.

You grieved for a little while, before seeking out Lamb and asking if they could accompany you to Spore Grotto, explaining what happened. Yet by the time you both returned, there was hardly anything left of Sozo's body.

Nothing except his skeleton, backpack, and the smiling mushroom.

You decided to take the large fungi back to their cult, carrying it as a sort of "ironic" memento of your lover.

During the walk back, Lamb asked you if Sozo had a life before this addiction of his...and you tell them something rather surprising.

He was actually once a brilliant man: Dr. Sozonius. His research on mushrooms was known all throughout the Old Faith. He's written books, lived with family members in an ant colony, and was very wise. You two fell in love through your research and explored Anura together.

Then he brought you to his camp at Spore Grotto, the very heart and soul of Anura's fungal outbreak. He was studying the Mushroomos and their behavior patterns. They were actually very passive and social creatures, offering you two stews of menticide mushrooms.

You declined, having already ate before your journey. But Sozonius--thrilled to discover a new mushroom specimen--decided to indulge in their generosity for the sake of science.

And things haven't been the same since.

Something in that soup took root in his brain and turned him into a shadow of his former self.

He never came back to the colony, or the home you two shared, devoting himself entirely to all things mushroom-related...while that stupid smiling fungi puppeteered him around. Some days you'd visit him, and he does remember you, but as of late he's been forgetting more and more of your lives together, giggling and not taking any of your words seriously.

He tried getting you to bring him mushrooms, eat them, etc. and if you refused, his eyes turned red and he'd start yelling nonsense.

Despite all of this, you never once blamed the Mushroomos. They were only trying to be kind hosts; they didn't expect such an advanced fungi to take control of him and turn him into their "leader".

After he died, most of them dispersed throughout Anura, but some stayed behind in the hope of seeing you again.

Once you finished sharing your story, Lamb was surprised that you wanted to take the fungi back at all. They figured you'd burn it to ashes for what it did to your husband.

Yet....you didn't blame it either.

Mushrooms aren't inherently evil. It's how nature made them, and you're a strong believer in karma, deciding to instead nurture this one in hopes that it may grow into something better.

Who would've known that mentality would bring Sozo back to you a week later?

Unfortunately, as you anticipated, he was still up to his old habits and never fully understood that they killed him. He tore up the mushroom farm plots and ate any Mushroomos Lamb rescued during their crusades.

Least to say..he was being an utter nuisance in the cult. He never did any work, and none of the followers liked him.

But that's not how he really was.

You knew him better than anybody else.

Ultimately you and Lamb realized that you had to break this addiction of his for good, otherwise the cycle will just repeat..and you might lose him all over again.

Talking to him wasn't enough.

He had to go cold turkey.

Sozo got angry when you shielded a Mushroomo from his bloodlust and told them to hide in the temple, accusing you of denying him happiness and saying he'd rather be put back in the ground than look at you--and that's when Lamb locked him up in the pillory while distracted.

As much as his words hurt..you knew it was only the fungi talking, trying to trick you into thinking that's what he was feeling. But you weren't so easily fooled.

You had to starve it out.

Might it kill him, too? There's a good chance. But you had to try.

Ever since getting imprisoned, he's been shouting and begging passing followers to free him all day and all night, the fungi looking more withered as time went on. Even its smile turned upside down.

Lamb tried using the same reeducation techniques they used on dissenters. Yet they weren't quite sure how to help Sozo, as he babbled over their speeches and wanted them to go away.

You offered to take over instead, and while they hesitated..they eventually handed you a copy of one of their gospel books and said they'd pray for his healing.

If anyone could get through to him, it was you.

For a while you've kept a close eye on him, making sure he had food--all of which you cooked yourself in case anyone tried sneaking in mushrooms. He no longer screamed his head off, but he still tried bargaining with you to free him, each plea growing weaker than the last.

By the time the sun went down, most of the followers were heading to their sleeping quarters for the night--although a couple were having some concoctions at the drinkhouse. But they could usually hold their liquor and not get too befuddled, so you weren't worried about them.

Instead you just focused on Sozo..who was already looking tired. Your energy was very much spent, too, although you didn't wanna abandon him.

Alas Lamb had no moon necklaces to spare, and even if they did...they would hesitate to give it to you.

Speaking of whom, you heard their footsteps and glanced over, smiling. "Hello, Lamb."

"You can go rest, [y/n]." They nodded. "I'll watch over him for you."

"...alright." Sighing, you closed the book and looked back at your spouse, placing a hand on his cheek as you kissed the opposite one. "Sweet dreams, Sozo. For what it's worth..I'm blessed you are back on this earth with me. I promise to keep helping you."

"[Y/n]...loves Sozo that much..huh?" He huffed, sleepily opening his eyes, and you were astonished to see that they were no longer red like the eyes of dissenters.

Even so, you weren't letting your hopes get up too high. He still had a long path ahead of him.

"Of course. There's no one I love more than you. I just hope and pray...that you haven't forgotten the love you felt for me."

As you parted from his side and began walking back to the Lamb, you were confused by their dumbfounded expression. "What? Was I supposed to say-?"

"Look." They pointed behind you, and you turned back around, gawking at what you were seeing.

The fungi had completely decayed, falling off Sozo's head into a withering husk in the grass; the smaller fungi buried in his collar died off, too. It didn't cause him any pain, surprisingly enough.

Then you looked directly at his face, noticing signs of him aging rapidly judging by the wrinkles and graying furs of his collar.

But he was still alive.

And he was back to his old self.

"Wh..Where am I? Where is...my family?" His voice was quiet and raspy as he looked around, confused by the wooden contraption he was locked in.

However once he saw your face, he recognized you and smiled, feeling at total ease.

"Oh, my love. You're back."

"I-I never left.." Tears immediately blurred your vision as you rushed to unlock the pillory. "I was here the whole time. I thought you were gone forever..."

"I hope I didn't go too far." He hummed, although he felt an ache in his back from being hunched over for so long and winced. Lamb was quick to fetch him a cane so he could better support himself, but you looped your arm around one of his own to help.

"Thank you, you're very kind.." He gazed at the sheep. "My name is Dr. Sozonius. We were...studying the Mushroomos. Fascinating creatures, they are. Neither plant nor animal. They gave my partner [y/n] and I some menticide mushrooms...and.....that's the last thing I remember.." He frowned slightly.

'Ah..so he doesn't know...' You realized, but you kept your worries pushed down, too happy to care about any of that right now.

"I can't help but feel that I have you to thank for...something." He continued, smiling at Lamb. "You have my loyalty. I will remain here and serve you."

They smiled back and bowed their head respectfully. "Thank you, doctor. Welcome back."

..........

While it was such a relief to see Sozonius' sanity restored, it wasn't too long before he ended up becoming bedridden, his bones too weak to support him anymore.

You realized that the fungi somehow managed to disguise his true age, as Lamb discovered he was actually 100 years old via mindreading--making him the eldest follower in the natural sense.

Now you feared losing him again..just when you finally got him back, and wondered if Lamb could do something to help.

Sure, resurrecting him may be the easiest option, but it would be the most painful for you. They couldn't put you through that, as it would take a few days for them to be ready for the ritual.

Luckily they managed to find a quick solution:

A fountain of youth in the form of a simple egg dish.

After Sozonius ate it, the magical properties somehow reversed the clock, giving him back the energy he needed to help out with cult duties. And you didn't have to worry about losing each other again, as Lamb gifted you two golden skull necklaces as a "belated" wedding gift.

Of course, the ant was ever jubilant about his mushroom studies and continued to pursue them alongside you--in a far more controlled environment, obviously. He was allowed to tend to the plots and observe how their effects impact followers during brainwashing rituals, although he was forbidden from tasting one himself or participating in those..

At least for right now.

Even though it's been about a week since he was "cured", the few Mushroomos that lived on the cult grounds were still fretful upon seeing him, thinking he was going to eat them alive.

The one you defended couldn't believe that he was genuinely sorry and not under the fungi's influence anymore.

They were so terribly scared that Lamb mentioned that they gained a "cowardly" trait, always flinching upon you, them, or Sozonius approaching, begging to be spared from....some nonexistent threat they made up in their head. They tried to please you two how ever they could, yet were easily frightened by him simply breathing around them.

Your husband was confused until you clarified that he ruled over the Mushroomos for a long time, cannibalizing them and making threats should they fail to bring him more mushrooms--but he found it hard to fathom that he'd ever do such a thing and abandon you and his family..

Even so, he felt guilty and hoped to make things right.

.........

It was late at night when you and Sozonius were having some light brews at the drinkhouse, feeling relaxed but not entirely befuddled.

He was rambling about some of his latest discoveries in mycology, and you listened with such a loving gaze in your eyes, smiling so big your face was starting to hurt.

You were so, so grateful he came back to you..and that Lamb could save him.

But one particular Mushroomo, however, arrived in hopes of drinking their worries away...and instead found you two at the counter, disappointed.

They tried to sneak away, although Sozonius spotted them and whistled. "You, Mushroomo! Come sit with us." He offered. "We don't bite."

"Eek! I-I mean, of course Mast---I mean Sozo..I-I mean....urrgh!!" Already they were fumbling over their words, scratching at their mushroom cap and sweating. "S-Sorry, sorry! AH!" They nearly tripped over a rock on their way to the drinkhouse.

"Are you sure this is a good idea, dear?" You glanced at your husband, who just nodded reassuringly.

"It will be fine."

Even as the Mushroomo sat down and took one of the drinks left on the counter, they seemed too anxious to take a sip. Instead their gaze going to you--and Sozonius, especially. "I-I feel like I'm interrupting something.."

"No, you are not. But listen-"

"D-Do you need more 'shrooms for your studies, Sozo?? More menticide-?"

"No, no. Listen. I wanted to...apologize for what I have done to you and your fellow Mushroomos."

"Wha.....y-you do..?"

With a soft sigh, Sozonius grasped both of their hands, and although they squeaked in surprise, they didn't try running off. "I scarcely recall what I did while under the influence of the mushrooms. But...it's no excuse. I treated all of you poorly, ate your friends...and I'm sorry. I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive this old fool."

They meekly nodded. "W-We understand..mast-"

"From this day forward," he cut in gently, "I am no longer your master. You serve the Lamb now. Not me. And that goes for all of you Mushroomos, okay?"

"....yes, doctor." The mushroom creature exhaled a shaky breath, looking utterly relieved to have official freedom from his servitude.

"Good, thank you." Sozonius let go, smiling. "I'm glad you understand. Why don't you go get some rest?"

"I think..I will." They stood up and stared down at their untouched drink, before sliding it back over to you. "You can have this. I...don't feel like I need it anymore."

You nodded, bidding them goodnight as they headed back to their shelter, before gazing at the ant. "Seems you broke their habit, too."

"Well, I am a doctor, after all." He chuckled. "I wanna help whoever I can."

All you did was smile, the two of you sitting in a comfortable silence, finishing your drinks and admiring the golden shrine at the center of the cult grounds.

Finally, everything was as it should be.

[stardustlatte]

To Love and be Loved.

Summary: Gaara and you have been best friends for years now, and his feelings for you have been growing to an unbearable amount. He needs to tell you... but can he? What if you don't feel the same? (Gender neutral reader!)

Word Count: 896

WARNINGS: None! I mean like, one swear word? Anyways, just fluff here!

A/N: I've been wanting to finally push myself into making a writing blog for Naruto for so long, and FINALLY I have done it. Of course when I sat down to write this, I realized today I had some writers block. So this short lil thing was just what my mind would throw out for now~ expect a TON more Gaara content from me ahaha, I love him.

~ ♡ ~

He never knew love could feel like this.

In the beginning of his journey to improve himself, to become someone that could love and be loved in return...Gaara never imagined there was much more to love than what he felt for his village, his friends, or his siblings.

Until you showed up.

And for a long time, his love and adoration for you he thought was nothing more than platonic. You were both simply best friends, with an inseparable bond like no other. You supported him through all the hard times, and showed him how to treat himself with more kindness than he felt he deserved.

It wasn't long until your presence became addictive for him. Whenever you even so much as walked past his view in the Kazekage's office window, he found himself wishing that he was right by your side talking to you about anything and everything, even if mundane. Whenever you visited him during or after work, he couldn't shake away the feeling of his heart racing in his chest, or the heat that burned up in his entire body. He wanted to reach out to you, to hold you.

When you were sad, he wanted to be the person who wiped your tears and do whatever he could in his power to make sure you would smile again, as brightly as you once would. He wanted to protect you, and to keep you out of harms way more than he ever wanted to protect anyone else in his entire life.

He wasn't clueless. He had heard all about these feelings from others he knew...but that didn't make it any easier to come to terms with the fact that he was hopelessly in love with you.

In his eyes, you deserved more than he could ever give you. His past haunted him, making his mind shout how unworthy of someone so heartwrenchingly sweet and caring he was. He couldn't do that to you. He didn't want to.

But as you stood there in front of him, there was only one thing on his mind, playing over and over again. He wanted to be selfish, just this once. He wanted to at least let you know how much you flipped his world upside down, changing the meaning of the word love in his eyes. You were his sun, his reason for being.

No...he refused.

Someone as divine as you should never be-

"I love you, Gaara." The words fell from your lips effortlessly, as If they were made just for him. He couldn't believe that he heard you right.

"I'm..." And damn, did he curse himself for not knowing the right words to say to you right now.

You stared at him with the same eyes he found himself lost in since the day you both met, and he swore he was falling in love all over again. The things you did to him had to be illegal.

"If you don't feel the same, it's okay. But I had to tell you that before it ate me up any further. I love you, more than words could ever explain." Your cheeks were heating up now in embarrassment. You'd never regret loving him, but the pain of rejection was something you didn't think through, making your heart clench in agony at the thought of it.

However, Gaara slowly placed his hands into your own, bringing them up to his lips as he placed a soft kiss onto your skin. This was also something he wanted to do for many years now.

"I love you as well, Y/N. More than anything under the sun." His tone was far different than you had ever heard him before, melting away your anxieties about his response to your confession. You let out a breath you weren't aware you were holding, making him smile in amusement.

His eyes were now pricked with tears that threatened to spill, pulling you into the tightest hug either of you had ever shared. He didn't know he could feel this happy, either.

"From this day forward...I vow to make you happy." He whispered lowly into your ear, his voice sending a shiver down your spine. You pulled back from him, far too soon for his liking, placing a hand onto his warm cheek as you stared into his seafoam eyes.

"You already make me happy, Gaara. But I wish to make a vow as well." You started, peaking his curiosity. "I will make you feel like the most loved man on this Earth." He immediately searched your expression, his heart rate picking up even more than it was before. Finally, the tears that threatened him earlier were finally spilling freely, making you pull him back into another embrace.

"I already feel that way thanks to you, Y/N. Thank you. Thank you for loving me."

If someone had told him several years ago he would one day be surrounded by people who loved and cherished him, and he would love them in return with everything he had, he would have thought they were insane.

The fact that you were in his life now was the biggest miracle of all. From here on out, he would be sure to hold your heart gently in his hands and treat you with every ounce of love he could possibly offer. Just as you always did him.

[witch-from-hogwards]

when 77 met 32

Shubman’s POV:

I came to my dream place. Cricket: the love of my life. That should sum up my entire life together. I have been playing cricket for as long as I can remember. My father was my first couch. He taught me everything he knew. First, I played cricket because it made my father happy. But then I started to understand just why it made him so damn happy. Now I breathed cricket and there was nothing else I could be addicted to more than cricket. There was nothing else that could make me happier. (well not until now. But there will be something or rather someone who would be my addiction and my anchor more than cricket is. But that would be future shubman’s problem not mine.)

I entered dharmashala with just one thought in mind. Do or die. Yeah, yeah, sounds cliché I know. But yeah that was exactly what I was feeling. I am here to prove myself, to prove my worth. I was chosen amongst hundreds of other players. And I want to be worthy of being here rather than being a waste of space. I want to climb up the stairs of success before falling down then collecting myself and climb up again. Andddd I fell. Yeah, sounds just like my life. Fuck it. I fell in the middle of the damn ground and now everybody thinks that I am an idiot who can’t even walk properly. Wow I always somehow manage to make a fool out of myself. How amazing.

I was drowning in self misery and hatred when a hand was held towards me. I looked up and there stood a man not much older then myself with a pretty smile on his face, his demeanour friendly enough to befriend a fucking dragon. I took the hand because how could I not. He was standing there all smiley and I was awkwardly lying in the middle of the ground. So, I took his hand and stood on my two feet. He then started to gather my stuff while I was staring at him like he was the one who pushed me. “hi, I am Ishan kishan.” He held his hand out for a handshake but I needed a headshake because why the fuck can I not move of say anything at all. Hell, even an awkward hi would be enough at a moment like this but my dumb brain decided to hang just this moment. And his smile started to turn all awkward because god I just ignored him completely. “shubmann” it was Rishab pant. We met once before and he was a bit too friendly so we clicked on instantly and have been in touch ever since. “oh, hi Ishan, met him already?” it was a question directed towards Ishan. “yeah…..well. kind off yes” oh god was it awkward, this Ishan person looked like nothing can do anything to him and I made even a person like that feel awkward wow, how amazing. Just perfect. “did something happen?” it was rishab. Well yes if you have eyes something did happen. I think I might be getting a heart attack right now because yes, I admit that I am an introvert that talks less but never in my entire existence have I felt this helpless and tongue tied before. And now they were both looking at me and I felt a very overwhelming urge to run away. Amazingly I felt like running far away from here from cricket from the entire world and never show my face to anyone at all. Live a quiet life away from limelight and cricket, even farming sounded like an amazing idea right now. I think my forehead is sweating a bit too much and my heart is going to come out of my chest if I stand here for 5 more minutes and yeah, I will most definitely cry. I think Ishan noticed this, “its okay gill, breath.” And he was thumping my back I think I really was holding my breath because I breathed out and now, I feel much better. And then he started to slowly caress my back as if you would to a nauseous person. That really did help. “tha-thank you” I managed. “Are you okay?” it was rishab this time, he actually looked quite worried. “yeah, I think I am.” And then I turned to Ishan who was now smiling at me with one of the sweetest smiles I have ever witnessed. “Sorry, hi, I am Shubman gill.” “I know, I was waiting for you. See you around.” With that he walked away. And I turned to rishab with a confused look on my face. “Why do you look like that now, idiot literally every senior knows you. You are quite famous you know.” He said with a teasing smile. And I have no idea why in the world would they know me. Well some of my doubts got cleared out in the next few days when I learned that Ishan kishan who was going to play the under 19 world cup this year new everybody on the campus. It did not matter if you are a senior a junior of even a janitor, he knew everybody. No wonder he knew me also. But in the next few days I learned something else too, rishab was right indeed quite a lot of seniors knew me. I still don’t know why though. The under 19 players of this year were decided but we were here to practice. And so, there were team A team B team C and so on. These teams had nothing to do with the under 19 world cup these were all domestic. Juniors were here to practice for the selection of the under 19 world cup, for the next year and the seniors who were not already selected were here for yet another chance. The selected players though were playing to practice for the world cup. I was selected to play for team B. I don’t know what this is called but the captain of my team was one and only Ishan kishan. Iconic isn’t it?

“Hey, you look much better today.” It was Ishan who had walked to me right after the selection of the teams. “hey, yeah I don’t know what happened that day.” “It’s okay, I think it was a minor panic attack. I am not sure why you would panic enough to get a panic attack though. Does it happen often?” “nope it was the first time, I didn’t even know what it was called.” “hello lucky guy Ishan.” It was rishab again. “that’s not fair at all Ishan, you stole shubman I knew him before you,” “well not my fault that shubman is destined to be in my team. Be ready to lose fucker.” I don’t know why but my heart picked up speed at that. “fuck you” rishab cursed and it did not sound genuine at all. Rishab was the captain of Team A. “shubman come join my team instead. This goon is gonna work you stupid.” “well its really not in my hand to change teams, is it?” I said. Well it really was. I mean we could exchange some players if we wanted to but I wanted to stay and it might have shown on my face because both rishab and Ishan shared a looked and a smile bloomed on both of their faces together. A teasing smile on rishab’s face and a grateful smile on ishan’s. I had no idea what either of the smiles meant.

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

oooof ask for hozier recs and i shall deliver!! i've been obsessed with him i fear...

my personal rn is probably Too Sweet, but my most played song of 2023 was All Things End. beautifully moving (as in i was sobbing for the entire song the first time i heard it), i just adore the way he describes love.

more personal favorites: Through Me (this song is insane actually!! can't describe it with words.), From Eden (one of the best love songs i've ever heard), Angel of Small Death (soo insanely addictive, his voice in this one ugh) and Movement (soft and beautiful and the very first song of his that I heard). The Eat Your Young EP is a wonder in itself but tbh so is everything else,,,,

now for some specifically sugu coded songs: Through Me and All Things End, Who We Are from his last album (the lyrics... my days the lyrics are so beautiful), Blood Upon the Snow!! (written for God of War Ragnarok, it's so good ??), Almost (Sweet Music) (be still my foolish heart, don't ruin this on me ✊😔)

but like i said, every time i hear a Hozier song it's sugu coded in my head... the lyrics always make sense to me. the way they're always so poetically romantic, yet in many of them there's a lingering pain underneath, wether it's because the love is already gone or because the love is simply way too much for just one heart to handle... i'm not okay.

fun fact, i once fell asleep listening to him and dreamt that it was suguru singing... and you know what it makes so much sense, i'll take it.

this got kinda long i'm sorry :(( anyways i hope you have a great day/night

(perhaps i shall write a lil' sugu thing inspired by too sweet)

NOE !!!! finally getting to this……. thank you so much for the recs!!! 🥺🥺 i appreciate it sm…… putting some of my thoughts under the cut hehe

I LOVE TOO SWEET . SO MUCH. it was the first song of his i listened to and wowwwwwww does it go hard….. so catchy and good and just. augh. IT’S SO SUGUCODED TO ME…. esp depression era sugu….. the lyrics are just gorgeous and so him. “but while in this world // i think i’ll take my whiskey neat // my coffee black and my bed at three // you’re too sweet for me”…. :’3 my baby

FROM EDEN IS SUCH A BOP . i loveee the instrumental ……. AND THE LYRICS . ”honey you’re familiar like my mirror years ago // idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword” <- BANGERRRR I CRIED . i am thinking many knight sugu thoughts ngl…. “i slithered here from eden just to sit outside your door” THINKING MORE SUGU THOUGHTS but specifically cult leader sugu …. aughhh 😔😔

angel of small death & the codeine scene……… tell me why this one made me so insane . such a tasty title and instrumental and lyrics i’m just????? i feel this way abt all of these but this one is so sugucoded too 😭 “freshly disowned in some frozen devotion”…. that’s our guy <333

EAT YOUR YOUNG IS SO CRAZY GOOD OUGHH….. i love love loveeee the “seven new ways that you can eat your young” part 😵‍💫😵‍💫 soso addicting. the lyrics are great and his voice is just soooo……. i don’t even know . i’m a little obsessed . “it’s quicker and easier to eat your young”…….. hhhhhhhhHH very sugucoded too ofc . any mention of eating is automatically a sugu reference 🙏

movement is super catchy !!!!! kinda relaxing too…… very soft. i rlly like the chorus :33 gives me waltz vibes…… kinda haunting…….

all things end + through me are soso pretty!!!! goshhhh his voice is nice……. i love the final part of all things end!!! w the synchronized clapping!!!!! so good …. and the lyrics for through me are so tasty . “with each grave, i think of loss // and i can only think of you // and i couldn’t measure it”…….. nomnom

ohhhhhh who we are is so beautiful :(((( his voice sounds so tender ….. i def get the sugu vibes here too!!!!! the feeling of something important slipping through your fingers …. “this phantom life, it sharpens like an image // but it sharpens like a knife” 😵‍💫😵‍💫 vert tasty . very sugu.

I’VE HEARD BLOOD UPON THE SNOW BEFORE BC OF RAGNAROK….. godddd it’s so. chillingly beautiful. the instrumental scratches my brain just right …… and the LYRICS . “too all things housed in her silence // nature offers a violence”….. “the parent forced to eat its young before i grows”…… it’s very . Raw . i like it a lot :3

AND FINALLY….. almost (sweet music). SO GOOD. i adore this instrumental and vibe so much + the lyrics are obv super pretty….. “i laugh like me again — she laughs like you”…… i love how light this one sounds in comparison to some of the other ones!!! a summer song for sure… a lil bittersweet….. and the chorus is literally SO addicting i can’t stand it……. BUT YES THIS ONE IS SO VERY SUGU. NOE. IM TEARING UP 😭😭 “be still my foolish heart // don’t ruin this on me”…. the idea of sugu thinking this…. maybe an au where he slowly recovers after his almost-defection….. or a childhood friends to lovers au…… i dunno. but my brain is spinning. i love him :(((((((

PHEWWW THOSE WERE GOOD . i love his voice sm….. i think my favs out of these options are too sweet, almost (sweet song), from eden and maybeeee angel of sweet death/eat your young…. but they were all super catchy :’3 thank you sm for these recs noe… sugu has invaded my brain

[majesticwren]

due to high demand - me. I'm high demand. this entire project is being written entirely for my pleasure, be warned I'm being extremely self-indulgent - I've decided to write a little prequel to the events that take place here. this is set in 2018 and is the beginning of Fletch x OFC. billy will have his own little prequel at some point. enjoy.

Trigger Warning/s: alcohol consumption, mention of addiction, mention of sex, mention of trauma, sexual harassment, swearing, OFC is her own trigger warning she is damaged goods and slightly toxic, kyle is a little baby, mark is being overprotective and extremely toxic sorry not sorry, angst, mainly friends to lovers/impossible relationship dynamics.

nuclear season: part I -> | part II -> | part III -> prequel: part II -> | part III -> | part IV -> Masterlist

January 2018

There was always something melancholically romantic about an empty venue after a show. Seeing a place that had been crowded, hot and loud for hours suddenly empty and silent had a particular bittersweet vibe to it.

Erika sat on one of the foldable chairs at ringside, one leg crossed over her knee, swinging her foot to the beat of the seconds, looking around as she waited. Trying to pass the time, she fiddled with a lock of her hair.

The lights of the venue were now all switched on, making the ring at the centre of the room look extremely surgical. A couple of RevPro workers were dismantling it, pulling the apron and starting to take down the ropes. Erika moved her attention to another person on the other side of the room who was folding up the chairs, ready to load them away.

Erika tapped her foot on the floor. It was sticky under the sole of her show because of the spilt over drinks. She took some time to count the abandoned plastic cups and forgotten items she could see all over the place, making it look like the crowd partied hard. Which wasn’t far from reality. They had a good crowd at the show that night and everyone seemed to have enjoyed themselves wrestlers and guests alike.

She was proud of many of the pictures she had taken. There was a content smile nested on her lips as she was aware she had probably made rent with that event.

There were many pros to working in wrestling. It was a career she hadn’t considered before, even though she had been around the scene for years since her brother was such a massive fan and had been wrestling already for over ten years. So, she had her fair bit of knowledge and was charmed by that world but had never thought it possible to make a career out of it.

Still, now she wasn’t entirely convinced her dream had come true. Somehow, she thought she didn’t deserve it and considered it a privilege. She had hurt and disappointed so many people before, too used to being a problematic teenager than this new responsible adult that Erika was convinced it was only a matter of time before she fell into her old habits again.

But, at the moment, she was enjoying doing what she was doing and paying her living doing liked most. Photography was her life. She loved taking pictures, framing moments and making them hers forever. Plus, her job was fun and granted her the possibility not only to travel and meet many people, but she got to do it all with her dear big brother.

The most important part of following that dream, though, was that it gave her the chance to leave Australia for good. She had followed Mark to the UK only for a few weeks now and yet she hadn’t missed home once. She was always convinced that remaining in Brisbane would have meant the withering of her. There was too much of her past there and she just knew she would have never escaped it.

But, no matter how far she travelled, there was a fear always hidden inside of her that painfully reminded her how easily she could have slipped and ruined her life again.

So easy. So tempting.

“Hey, there,”

She jumped, startled when she heard that voice so close. Erika gasped, placing a hand on her chest as her gaze distractedly lifted on the tall, slim boy approaching her.

“Sorry, mate, didn’t mean to scare ya,”

Erika focused her attention on Kyle and melted into a smile, shaking her head. “Please, don’t be sorry. I was miles away.”

He approached her with a soft smile crossing his fair features. He looked like an elf, with his sharp edges, high cheekbones and glimmering, light eyes. There was something about the boy she was attracted to like a magnet. She couldn’t explain it but she couldn’t take her attention off him either. Although she didn’t trust herself enough to let herself go in that feeling. She and boys weren’t a good match. Her past was full of bad decisions and she had no intention of making another one.

Especially with a pretty, sweet boy like Kyle seemed to be. Especially since he was so close to Mark not only as his colleague and team partner but being taken in like a little brother as well. She just couldn’t risk it.

“Can I sit?” He pointed at the chair to her side.

“Of course,” Erika nodded, trying to shake the cringe off herself. Her skin rippled in goosebumps only thinking about having him too close. She couldn’t think too clearly when he looked at her, which was just ridiculous.

He dropped his bag with his ring gear on the floor and fell heavily on the little chair distending his long legs. “So, what do you think about the show?”

“I think it was great!” Erika smiled, looking at him and damning herself for the excitement it gave her to share a moment alone with Kyle. She felt the butterflies in her stomach warming up. “That move you did,” she tried to regain focus, looking back on the ring, “off the top buckle? That was so good!”

“You think?” He wondered following her eyes to the ring. “I thought I landed badly and everyone noticed.”

“Well, if you did, I didn’t see it.” Erika didn’t mention how closely she was looking at his moves. She cleared her voice, lifting her professional camera. “I took a cool shot of your front flip mid-air, wanna see?”

“Hell yeah,” Kyle scooted closer, looking over her shoulder as she fiddled with her camera.

Erika tried her best to remain calm and not react to his closeness but it was hard. His scent was inebriating, he smelled of clean linen and lavender. It made her mouth water and her hands shake with the desire to push her face into his neck and inhale.

She shrugged off a shiver, concentrating on the dozens and dozens of pictures she was scrolling through and then smiled when she finally found the one, showing it to him from the small camera screen. “There it is. It will look a thousand times better once I develop it. But even like this, it looks pretty good.”

“Shit me,” Kyle attentively took her camera into his hands, handling it with care as he looked into the screen, examining the picture she took. “Is that how I look when I do it?”

Erika nodded. “Cool uh? You look very good.”

“Could I have a copy of the picture once you develop it?”

“Of course! I mean, I generally do give the guys I work for a hard copy and a file copy that I share with the wrestlers too. So, you’ll be good to go.”

“Can I have a look at the rest of the pictures?”

“Yes,” Erika cleared her voice, “I mean, I haven’t peaked through them so most of them will be off-focus or blurry but sure.”

As he pressed the little arrow button, starting to look at all the pictures she had taken of the evening, Erika slowly started to feel a warm feeling spread through her. She was suddenly fidgety, wondering what went on in his mind as he looked at what she could do. It was somehow intimate, showing to him. Erika’s pictures were used by companies and wrestlers alike on their socials, but no one knew it came from her, there. This felt like Kyle just had access to a very personal window of how she viewed the world.

“Wow, you are good at this,” Kyle smiled distractedly, still scrolling through her work. “These are so good.”

Erika blushed. And immediately froze, feeling panic settling in her nerves. She looked away, imposing herself to find some control over her emotions. She had never blushed before, not for a boy anyway.

“Thank you,” she pushed her hand out, hinting to him to give her back the camera. “It won’t take me long to get the pictures fixed up and printed, so you can see them once they are done.”

“Do you have a studio?” He wondered with interest stretching on the chairs by his side.

Erika shook her head. “I will in a few weeks. I am trying to get a lease on a tiny hole of an office from where I’ll be able to work. I am planning to have a proper dark room and maybe even a desk space to hire an assistant. But for now, I am doing it the old-fashioned way,”

“What’s that?”

“My laptop.” She explained shrugging, “It’s a bit of a hit or miss kind of job, sometimes it pays well, sometimes it doesn’t. But I think I can make it work better If I get access to an office space.”

“Like an investment.”

“Yes,” Erika smiled, appreciating his care to know details about her more than what she was supposed to. “Exactly that.”

“Are you coming out with us tonight?” He then wondered leaning his head to the side.

She felt his eyes on her and wanted to bask under his attention. She had never had a problem with that. Generally, she thrived when she was under the spotlight. She was a very confident young woman aware of her appearance. Maybe too much, sometimes. She had won many things, in the past, because of her pretty face. Especially hearts. She was used to having it her way, but when she decided she wanted someone there wasn’t escaping it. Except with Kyle felt different. She didn’t want to conquer him or win him over. She liked him. Not only his appearance, even though his large smile made her feel things she had never felt before. The real deal was the kindness of heart he had; he was so polite in the way he behaved, and he wore his heart on his sleeve and wasn’t apologetic about it.

Plus, he was spoiling her. Kyle made her feel seen and listened to in ways she wasn’t used to. Which said a lot about the relationships or situationships she had in the past.

And that was precisely why it was so dangerous to play with that fire and she did everything in her power to fight against it. She could see it would lead to ruin for all parties involved.

“Nah, I don’t think so,” She looked away, sadness settling in, aching in her chest.

She wanted to go. She wanted to spend some time socialising. She wanted to be around him. But precisely because he seemed to want her there, she was better off staying away from booze and pretty boys.

“What!? Really? There’s a darts tournament between the guys, sure you want to miss that? I mean not to brag, but I’d beat you at darts.” He winked.

Erika felt flushed. “I’d love that because I think I might be good a darts” she damned herself as soon as she said that, “But I have an early train in the morning. Can’t miss it.”

“Oh, I see. Well. that’s a shame,”

“Next time, maybe?”

“You are on.”

“Oi,” A deep, thunderous voice echoed through the empty venue. Both she and Kyle jumped on their seat, turning over to find Mark waiting. “Ready to go?”

Erika huffed, looking over at her brother studying them. He didn’t seem too happy and she knew why. So, even before he could say anything, she jumped up and grabbed her back and jacket, putting some distance with Kyle.

“What were you doing?” He wondered quietly once she was close.

Erika shrugged. “Nothing, we were waiting for you.”

Before he could say anything more, Kyle approached her side and the two exchanged a fist bump. Mark didn’t continue, but she could see the concern hiding in his gaze. And it hurt her.

Mark hid behind a smile as he welcomed the boy, “Hey, mate,” he was so affectionate to Kyle that it made her heartache. She was happy they met. Kyle was a good friend to her brother. But, again, that was yet another complication and another reason for her to stay as far from the Aussie as she could.

“I’m gonna head home,” she started, hinting at the door as she fixed her bag on her shoulder.

“Yeah?” Mark looked at her, “I thought you were coming to the pub?”

“Nah,” Erika shook her head. She wished she didn’t but her gaze wandered on Kyle briefly. “I am quite tired. I think it’s for the best.”

“Okay,” Mark pulled her into a hug, kissing her forehead. “Grab a cab though. I don’t want you around the underground alone at this hour.”

“I’ll call one now. You boys go ahead and have fun. I’ll leave the light on in the hall for you when you come home.”

She watched them approaching the venue door. Mark pulled Kyle under his arm as they walked and they merged with some of the other wrestlers on the show that same night. A few of the boys waved goodbye at her before they left. Just then, she approached the bar counter, releasing a soft sigh.

“Hey,” she hinted at the barman cleaning up, “would you be so kind to call me a cab, mate?” She wasn’t even trying to hide her disappointment. Just thinking about all that she may be missing made her heartache. It felt like the more distance there was between her and Kyle, the more she hurt.

Pathetic. She had to snap out of that little crush and get over it. And fast.

“Sure thing, sweetheart,” he stepped towards her, “can I get you a drink while you wait? On the house,” the boy winked at her. His flirtatious behaviour bounced right off her. His charm too, didn’t bother her.

“Nah, thank you, I am good.”

She could see the barman’s interest following her movements as he leaned on the counter in front of her. He was an attractive man, sure, and she had no doubt his pretty face and that little stunt of chatting up the ladies probably got him places before. She knew it all too well. She was it too. But even though she knew well how it worked and she felt like she should have been fluttered by his attention, maybe even intrigued, it just slid off her without making her feel a thing. If not slight discomfort.

Before he could say or ask something else, Kyle ran back in, approaching her. “Hey, Erika?”

“Yes?” She immediately turned towards him, not even noticing how much her heart and body moved for the Aussie. “What is it? You ok?”

“Yes, yeah,” he nodded, sliding a hand to the back of his neck. He was blushing so sweetly it made her think about strawberries. Though his eyes were bright and sharp as he looked at her. “I was wondering, could I have your number?”

Erika choked. She knew everything wrong with that. It was the same reason why she wasn’t allowing herself to go out. It was why she avoided being around the house alone with Fletch when Mark wasn’t around. It was why she had avoided being around him in general. Except when she didn’t and fell into whatever it was that attracted them like magnets.

It was stronger than her common sense, she was nodding even before she could think straight and kept being selfish as Kyle offered her his phone for her to type her number in.

He was smiling like an idiot. Or maybe it was her.

When he got his phone back, he held it like a trophy. “Thanks,”

“Don’t tell Mark,” She suggested, probably saying the first smart thing in a minute.  

Kyle offered her the largest of smiles and then dashed off.

As he left, she felt all the warmth he brought with him leaving her body and making her feel empty.

“That little prick has balls,” the guy behind the bar chuckled.

Erika smiled, still looking at the door. “That he does.”

“So, how is it that a pretty girl like you is not going out celebrating with all those boys?”

Erika tapped her nails on the wood, starting to feel an itch under her skin. She wanted to be vague, she knew what was the polite, British way of just generally saying stuff without actually saying anything to strangers. But she was too tired for that too. Politeness hardly got her anywhere.

“Well, let me tell you,” She began, “Got a crush on that little prick,” she vaguely pointed at the door, “he is my brother’s best friend and I can’t afford to fuck that up so,” she huffed, “I am staying well clear and doing everything in my power to get over him.”

“But you just gave him your number.”

“Yes, I never said I was smart at it.”

The guy behind the bar smiled. “I’m Matt, by the way,”

“Erika,” she said as they shook hands.

“So, Erika,” he looked up at her, hitting her up with a gaze she was sure had conquered many hearts before, “Want some help forgetting about the little prick?”

The proper way was to politely decline, get a cab, go home and do her best to accept going to bed alone. That would have been the new adult, mature way to deal with the situation. She was well aware of what was expected of her. But still chose otherwise.

The comfort of her old ways, knowing exactly what would have happened and how she would have felt was much better than knowing how much she was going to be eaten up by regrets, alone, in her little room.

“What time do you get off?” She wondered melting into a smile.

She didn’t much care for the guy himself. But he offered a distraction and it seemed like a valid idea not to think about Kyle.

“Half an hour.”

She nodded and took a seat on one of the stools, “In that case, I’ll take that drink, thank you.”

February 2018

A few weeks later, Erika stood in the centre of the small room she could call an office.

The place was a little dishevelled. It was dark, cold and a little dump; the rent was overpriced, but it was hers. The walls could have done with a new touch of paint, and she was convinced the space would have looked much more welcoming and personal with pictures hanging up; the carpet seriously needed a deep cleaning, and the sad curtains by the windows needed to be retired, but she still looked at it with the most pride.

A smile crossed her lips, and her heart was leaping out of her chest as she toyed with the set of keys the agency gave her. She still didn’t feel secure enough to trust her dream coming true, but that was a pretty big step forward compared to where she had come from only six months before.

“Hey-o,” she recognised Kyle’s voice immediately as he chirped from the entrance door, “anybody in there? Erika?”

Her heart jumped out of her chest.

“Come on in!” She welcomed him, skipping back to the door where she found the Aussie. “What are you doing here?”

As soon as he saw her, he whipped out a massive smile and pulled, from behind his back, a big bunch of colourful flowers and a bottle of bubbles. “Well, I thought the situation required celebrating!” He offered her his presents.

Erika’s chest tightened as she took the flowers and brought them up so she could smell them. Then she took the bottle too, looking at it with interest. She melted into a sweet smile, immediately damning herself for what she was feeling.

Whatever tied her to Kyle only got stronger and deeper day by day. She tried to fight it. She tried to deflect and lie to herself, pretending that ignoring it all was enough to make it disappear. And yet, Kyle was constantly there to remind her how wrong she was.

She just needed to look at him to feel a magnetism pulling her towards him, making her hands tremble with the need to touch him. But it was a constant battle she fought, leaving her feeling cold and empty every time she denied herself her wish.

And yet, he kept coming. He kept being there, around her, everywhere, even when they were far from each other, she still felt him. Every day he made it a point to wish her good morning and good night. He’d ask her about her day and listen with interest to everything she had to say. He’d make her laugh. He’d give her compliments. He was just present in her life. How she wished she could say confidently they were only friends.

But friends didn’t desperately wish to kiss each other.

Thinking about that made her realise she was looking at his lips and she had to force herself off the thought.

“Thank you, Fletch, this is so sweet of you,” she looked up at him, leaning her head to the side, “I wasn’t expecting it.”

“Why did you think I asked you the address of this place?” He chuckled, “I wanted to make sure you welcomed this new chapter with the right energy.”

Erika smiled, absolutely smitten by him and his selfless, unashamed caring.

“Thank you,” before she could even think clearly and stop herself, she leaned in for a hug. Her intention was for it to be quick and polite. That was what friends did, wasn’t it? She couldn’t be further from the truth.

Kyle welcomed her with a soft hold and, by the time she wrapped her arms loosely around his waist and pressed her face into his chest, the world stopped spinning.

Erika tightened her hold around him, only for Kyle to do the same, taking the initiative to lean his chin on the top of her head, cradling her softly.

There was no salvation after that for her. Erika was toasted. Her heart was beating so fast inside her chest that she was sure he could feel it too. Her stomach twisted as warmth flooded through her, fuzzing her thoughts and waking up a hunger, a desire in her lower abdomen that would only hurt with every second she wouldn’t give into it.

“I wanted to be here for you, today,” he gave away, brushing a soft, intimate kiss on her temple.

Erika looked up at him and Kyle’s bright gaze fell into hers as he dived into her eyes. He was so close his scent was inebriating her senses. He looked so pretty she couldn’t take it.

“Did you come alone?”

Kyle nodded, “Your brother doesn’t even know I am here.”

Erika felt so dirty for lying to Mark.

They had kept a low profile, pretending nothing was going on and they hadn’t spent the past weeks texting. Sometimes they’d text from across the same room and Mark would take the piss out of Kyle for texting his “little lady”, not knowing she was the one receiving his interest. They made a little joke out of it, but Erika didn’t find it funny.

She hated shutting Mark out. He knew everything about her and could read her like a book. But he didn’t know that part. She was terrified of his reaction if he had known what was going on between her and Kyle, which was nothing. She lied to herself too, constantly. Even though the second she found herself around Kyle it was undeniable she was the most clueless of them all.

Erika gulped, looking down at Kyle’s lips again, unable not to, his mouth was so attractive to her. Especially when he was so close.

Kyle dared to cup her face in his palms. Erika sighed, closing her eyes and letting herself go in his soft hold. His hands were big and warm. And she was dying to feel them all over her.

“I want to kiss you,” he whispered, so close to her face she tasted his breath on her tongue. A hot shiver crossed her. “I like you, Erika. Been liking you a while.”

“Kyle,” she tried to find some common sense, although only the idea of refusing him ripped her chest apart. “We can’t.”

“Why?”

“Mark,” she was still holding the flowers and the bottle of bubbly in her hands, and even though she was trying to fight for her life not to succumb to him, she didn’t even dare to move an inch away. “He’d never approve.”

“Leave him to me. I am sure if there’s someone he’d like to be with his sister, that would be me.”

“No, Kyle, it’s not you the one he wouldn’t approve of. It’s me. I am not good for you,”

“Let me decide that.”

“You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me,”

“Then tell me. I want to know you.”

Erika chuckled dryly, quickly dismissing him. He would have run away, as far as possible from her if he had known half of the things she did.

“I mean it,” he continued, “I want to know everything about you.”

“You make it so hard,” she whispered, moulding herself in his hold as Kyle softly caressed her jawline.

“I am not hearing a good reason to stop.” He leaned in, brushing his lips on her forehead, “Tell me no and I’ll fuck off. But if you want it too,” as he moved, hovering above her, Erika moved her head, raising her chin only so their lips would touch. “Then,” he continued, whispering so close to her mouth it gave her goosebumps.

Before he could continue, Erika took the worst decision of her life and, dropping the flowers on the floor, she grabbed him by his t-shirt and pulled him down in a kiss, desperately clinging onto him and releasing everything she had stopped herself from feeling for so long. Selfishly taking everything she wanted from him.

Kyle blindly closed the door behind him and then his arms wrapped around her, pulling her against him. His hands ran across her body, feeling her curves, grabbing on her clothes, only to pull her tighter against him.

Unapologetically, Kyle slipped a hand into her hair grabbing a handful and made her bend underneath him, deepening their kiss. As soon as their tongues crossed and his flavour exploded into her mouth, Erika released a soft moan, feeling her body waking up completely.

However, before she could slip into deeper waters of desire and future regrets, Erika gathered the strength to push him off herself.

“Kyle, please stop,” her breath was heavy as she kept her hand on his chest, not to keep him far from her but to feel him.

“Did I do something wrong?” He wondered, checking she was ok.

Erika shook her head, trying to gather her thoughts. Because the only wrong she could identify in that entire situation was the distance between them.

She had a taste. She scratched the itch. That was going to be it. It was going to have to be enough.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. We can’t happen. Please,” her heart shattered into a million pieces seeing the look he gave her. “Please,” she whispered again, almost getting lost in his eyes.

Kyle accepted her choice and let her go, taking two steps back. He leaned picking up the flowers and passed them over to her, shrugging awkwardly. “Here, take them.”

She felt defeated as she accepted the flowers back. She couldn’t bear the idea of seeing him leave and didn’t want to accept them being done. It was supposed to be the way, just severing their little fling or whatever, but she was stupid and selfish.

“Do you want a little tour?” She wondered, hoping Kyle would indulge her.

He didn’t disappoint and melted into a gentle smile, nodding. “I’d love to.”

They held hands as she showed him around, telling him everything about how she envisioned her studio.

March 2018

Erika stood ringside, her trusted camera at hand as she watched the match through its lenses.

The crowd was hot tonight. They clapped and booed, chanted and roared and were generally super involved in the matches, which was something she always loved to see.

Erika moved around the ring, taking every occasion to grab a shot, just like she always did, capturing as much of the energy in the ring as she could.

The two boys going at it right now were new in the company, she never met them before, but that didn’t change a single thing in the way the crowd perceived them. The heel was doing his job, flipping everyone off at any given occasion only to get everyone’s boos up. And the other, being the good guy he was, was there to make him regret it every time.

How she loved wrestling. It was such a theatrical, highly athletic pantomime.

The match ended with the good guy pinning the heel. The crowd went wild. Erika too, smiled, as she kept taking her shots of the guy celebrating.

Then, as the guys cleared out and the announcer moved back to the ring, starting to explain the next match on the mic, Erika moved too towards the wrestlers’ entrance, readying her camera to capture Aussie Open’s entrance.

Of course, she was working for the wrestling company and her work needed to be equally good for all the participants in the events. But she couldn’t help herself from having favourites. The number of pictures she had taken of Kyle and her brother that she had never sold because they were candid shots of two guys and had nothing to do with wrestling was embarrassing. Especially of Kyle’s. She loved taking his pictures. But that was a secret, of course.

Still, she patiently waited there, camera at hand, kneeling to take a good shot of them coming out in their new shiny, matchy gear.

Aussie Open was announced and their music started as they rolled out, basking in the crowd's welcome.

Erika smiled behind the camera, taking her pictures as the two posed and then moved with them to the ring.

Mark and Kyle slipped through the ropes and circled the apron, looking into the room, and pointing at people in the crowd only to get a reaction. They were both talking some shit either to the crowd or to each other, fully committed to their role.

Then, as Kyle confidently strode by the corner she was hanging around, he broke character one moment to look down at her, offering her one of his sweet smiles. “Hey, baby,”

Erika took a picture of him, grabbing that moment for herself. He called her baby now. Not always, but when he did it made her feel warm all over. It was so hard for her not to reach out and touch him.

Mark approached Kyle and landed a heavy hand on his shoulder, bringing him to turn as the announcer presented their competitors. Erika moved around the ring again, towards the entrance, ready to go back to being a hundred per cent professional.

She kneeled by the crowd, exchanging a quick, polite smile with a couple of guys by her side who seemed to be enjoying the show just like everyone else. She leaned ready to take her shots.

And then Erika was stricken. Nothing could have prepared her for the frosty feeling taking over her as the heavy hand of a stranger landed on her ass, giving her an unrequired smack. She felt the stranger’s touch straight into her stomach and it made her twitch as his fingers dared to squeeze on her.

She turned quickly towards him and raised her camera, taking a shot of his face. She acted out of instinct, not thinking about the consequences. It was the only thing she could consciously think of doing. No words were coming out. Not even anger. Just pure, disgusted surprise.

“Hey,” he angrily confronted her, trying to grab her camera, “Cancel that, you bitch. I haven’t permitted you to take a picture of my face.”

She wanted to say she hadn’t permitted him to squeeze her ass either. It was on the tip of her tongue. And yet. Nothing came out.

Erika stepped away, hiding her camera behind her back, feeling something close to fear choke her as the guy stood up, ready to chase her. She truly thought he was going to hurt her.

“Hey, hey, you prick,” Kyle shouted, jumping off the ring, and intervening. By then, everyone’s attention was on what was happening there.

Mark followed Kyle as they both stepped in between Erika and the guy in the crowd, who was proud and drunk enough to face them, even when he was no match for either of the Aussies.

“I’ll break that hand of yours, you cunt,” Mark barked.

Kyle stepped in between them, shielding Erika with his body. “You ok?” He touched her face, looking down at her.

Erika didn’t refuse him. Her hands travelled to his wrists, as she moulded under his touch appreciating his closeness. “Yes,” she huffed, her eyes escaping Kyle’s as she looked back at her brother, making sure he didn’t do anything stupid. “I’m ok,” She then tapped on Mark’s shoulder, “Don’t bother,” she suggested, even though the guys seemed to be ecstatic to receive attention. “Mark? Please, leave it alone.”

“Maybe you should get her to wear something more covering. You can’t blame me.” The guy was drunk. He was mumbling his nonsense only looking for a fight and Erika hated that she didn’t want her brother to give it to him. “When they look like sluts, I say they look for it-”

There was no stopping Mark after that.

Before she could even think about trying and stop him from jumping to the guy’s throat, Kyle scooped her away, trapping her in between his arms, and protecting her. This time, she hid in between his arms, closing her eyes. She didn’t want to see what she had caused.

The crowd shouted so loudly it made her head hurt.

The announcer, from the ring called for security that came through to break the fight and to kick out the people who disturbed the show.

“I’m sorry,” she shook her head, “I am sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

Kyle shook his head, kissing her forehead tenderly. “Don’t you dare to apologise,” he chanted to her ear, “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Later on, that same evening the mood was off.

After the incident, going back to the regular flow of the show had been difficult. While Kyle and Mark were supposed the be heels and treated as such, the crowd started loving them after they displayed chivalry. Everyone kept asking her if she was ok from that point on. And she hated it. Erika just hid behind her camera the rest of the evening, pretending detached politeness, but didn’t ever move from ringside.

Now they were gathered for a drink and some late food at a local pub just around the corner from the venue where the show took place. Erika sat in her booth enjoying a plate of steaming hot chips as she watched Kyle play pool with two of the boys from the show.

When he smiled, she smiled too, wondering what had been said to make him laugh.

Mark heavily dropped himself next to her, placing his beer and a massive portion of nachos, blocking her view.

“Hey,” she welcomed him with a smile.

Mark was deadly serious. “I know something is happening between you and Kyle.”

“OK?” Erika frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t be vague with me, I’ve suspected it for a while. I see the way you two look at each other. And tonight, with the way he protected you-”

“Mark,” she huffed, rolling her eyes. “You did the same thing.”

“Look me in the eye and tell me the way you two were hugging was nothing.”

She didn’t look at him. “It was just a hug.”

“I love you. I will always love you. You know that. And believe me, it hurts me to say this. I know I’m being an ass right now, but I want you to stay away from Kyle.”

Every word that came out of Mark’s mouth slashed through her like a knife. It was a painful reminder of everything she had been, everything she had done. Everything her brother had to fix for her. Not leaving any space for the person she was desperately trying to become.

“Why?” She challenged him, gulping down her pain, and looking straight into his eyes.

“You know why. I can’t stand the idea of watching you hurt him. Because you will. Maybe not willingly. But he doesn’t deserve it all the same.”

Erika's chest ached. She looked away, trying to hide away her pain. She wanted to shout and cry and kick, but couldn’t. Somehow, she trusted her brother more than how she trusted herself. It was easier to accept that he must have been right about her. It must be like he said. She wasn’t good for Kyle and would have never been good.

“I mean it, Erika. I’d break the world for you. But I’d do the same for Kyle.”

“You are breaking me right now,” she shook her head and then looked back at him, anger flooding through her gaze, lighting her up. “You think I haven’t tried to stay away? See? I knew you’d end up telling me this and I did. Stayed as far as I could. Pretty difficult to do when we live together, travel together and work together,” Erika shrugged. “But it is as you said. I obviously can’t offer anything better to someone than failure.”

“That’s not what I meant,”

“Don’t you dare try and justify your cruelty. You said it, loud and clear. I am not good enough for Kyle. Thank you, brother, for reminding me.”

She grabbed her stuff and got up, storming out.

Something stirred inside of her. It was an old, familiar feeling of how she was used to dealing with strong emotions from before. Part of her was trying so hard to be better. But she didn’t know how when even her brother, her only anchor in that world, didn’t believe in her.

Anger and pain were easy to suppress or ignore when she was self-destructing, taking everyone else down with her in the process. 

[writtingforfun]

Two Sides of a Thorn (2)

Chapter 2

Warnings: mentions of death and mourning

The next week had been hell for anyone in the family. Viserys was in another world, Rhaenyra was crying at every moment. As for Visenya, she was a hollow shell of what she had always been. She barely ate, barely slept and she barely spoke to anyone. Everyone knew she did not possess such a cheerful personality as her sister and parents; she was always more calculated, showed less emotions and kept her thoughts more to herself, for she knew how to assess situations.However, she also had the brightest of smiles and was the kindest soul when she wished to be. Her beauty was unmatched, making many men stare at the young girl since she was little. she did not mind it, she valued more than her looks, she valued the brain.

But now she was cold and distant. Barely uttered a word to anyone. Two words sentences were the only things said to her father and not much more to Rhaenyra, who was always with her father and did not understand her sister’s anger. Had it not been for Daemon she would become mute. He was always there for her, spending his entire days flying with the girl and sitting upon the fourteen flames while his niece prayed as he had taught her. He understood the pain she was going through, having never fully mourned the loss of his own mother.

Visenya felt the wind against her face and smiled. That was exactly what she needed. She flew higher on Balexion, Caraxes following her.

Just above the clouds, she stopped going higher and the Balexion stood there.

“Is it crazy that this makes me feel closer to her?” she asked once her uncle was in earshot.

“No. It 's sweet.”

“Sweet never got me anywhere”

He analyzed her. This time together certainly made them closer, if possible. His heart broke with every sad smile, every cry and every nightmare that awoke her and made her wonder around the corridors.

“Don’t you think it’s time to talk to your father?”

“He does not care about me. He allowed me to watch-” she swallowed the lump in her throat “He never tried to talk to me again”

“You should try to talk to him”

“Why are you saying that?”

“He’s my brother. I may like to annoy him but I love my family.” Visenya looked at him. She knew it was true. His family was his priority even if he sometimes acted as if they weren’t “You’ll turn into me if you don’t”

“How terrible” she smirked and he laughed. She had become addicted to his laughter and company. Without him she felt incomplete.

“It’s not as good as you think it is, little dragon. One day you’ll wake up and he’s going to hate you”

“My father does not hate you Daemon”

“He also doesn’t like me. But we’re talking about you. Talk to him”

And she took his advice. She walked to the council meeting that was starting now. All eyes drifted towards the younger princess but she ignored it.

“I was flying, sorry for being late, Your Grace” she walked towards her father and kissed him on the cheek.

He smiled widely “Don’t worry my girl. I’m glad you decided to join us”

Visenya smiled and went to her sister’s side. Daemon walked in just after her, taking his seat as Commander of the City Watch. Everyone seemed amazed how he was able to keep the position and not be bored yet. Except he was bored. He kept it because it was the only way to be near Visenya.

“Very well, now that we’re all here” the King rose from his seat “After you all nagged me for a week about my line of succession..” he glanced at Daemon and then at his daughters, especially Rhaenyra. “I have decided to name my first daughter, Rhaenyra, as my heir”

Silence fell on the room. Visenya looked around to see the faces of the men sitting at the table. She then looked at her sister. She already knew, that was obvious by the way she wasn’t amazed and only smiled.

“Congratulations niece” Daemon was the first to talk, although Visenya knew he didn’t fully mean it.

“Thank you uncle” she then looked at her sister “Well?”

“Oh, yes… Congratulations sister” They hugged each other, but Visenya couldn’t help but feel betrayed. Not only had he chosen this without even mentioning to her,but he didn't have the decency to tell Daemon he would no longer be his heir.

The Lords sitting at the table were worried about this decision. A woman had never sat on the Iron Throne.

Otto Hightower was especially angry at this decision. He had planned everything since the day the Queen had died. How would his plans be after this, he wondered.

“We should also discuss possible betrothals for the Princesses. Don’t you agree, Your Grace?” the Hand asked.

“Yes, of course.”

“What?” Visenya said loud enough for everyone to hear

“Well, you’re coming of age Visenya”

“I do not wish to be wed”

“You are a Princess. You must wed to continue the line and male a good connection with another house”

“I do not intend to be bred like a mare simply for the liking of some man!”

“Sister”

“No. I will not marry anyone!”

She stormed out of the room and made her way to the training grounds. Ser Harwin Strong was the one helping her practice whenever Daemon wasn’t around.

While she stormed out and Rhaenyra was asked to leave, the Hand proceeded to insist on the king remarrying and finding a match for the girls.

“Perhaps the Princess Visenya should be considered for a match with the North?” He wanted to get rid of her with everything he had

“The North?” Daemon stopped him before the King could say anything. “Are you so threatened by a young girl that you wish to send her to the North, Otto?” he chuckled

“It’s my duty as Hand of the King to do as I see better fit for the crown”

“It’s not better to send her away. She won’t go. You know that Viserys”

“It’s true, Otto. My daughter will never leave to go so far away. Especially not to such a cold place. Dragons do not like the cold.”

“Forgive me then, Your Grace”

“Your Grace” Lord Corlys spoke “Perhaps you would like to consider my son. Laenor is still young but soon he’ll be ready to take a wife. It would be a great honor to join the two great houses of Old Valyria”

“You intend to marry Laenor to who exactly, Lord Corlys?” Daemon asks.

“To Princess Rhaenyra. They are childhood friends, it would be a great match not only because of their blood but because of shared friendship”

“I will definitely consider it, Lord Corlys.” Viserys smiled, considering the match.

“What about having ser Laenor wed Visenya?” the Hand tried again “Afterall, your son is to inherit Driftmark. If he is to become King Consort he won’t be able to do so.”

“Stop trying to marry Visenya, Otto” the King warned and Daemon smirked.

“I shall consider it. You may all go”

“You’re doing it wrong,” Daemon said from the top of the stairs.

“I’m just trying not to kill anyone” Visenya hissed

“The Princess is letting go of her anger” Ser Harwin told the Prince and walked away.

“What happened in that room? How many matches for me in this short time?” She wiped the sweat from her forehead and placed the wooden sword down.

“A few. But your father discarded them all”

“He did something right, now that is amazing” she mocked

“The Hand wanted to send you to the North”

“What?! That fucker!” she yelled in frustration.

“Then to Laenor Velaryon”

“What?” she repeated.

“He said no again. Laenor is, however, being considered for your sister.”

“Good. At least I’ll have someone who actually cares about me here”

“Ouch” he fakes hurt and smiles at her.

“Well, besides you” Visenya walks closer to him, only inches away “But you may want to go to your wife”

“That will never happen” he holds the necklace he gave her. She has worn it everyday since he gave it to her “Let’s train properly”

*

Six months had passed and the King had announced he was to marry Lady Alicent Hightower. The Hand had won this one. This decision had hurt the new relationship Viserys was building with both his daughters. Rhaenyra felt betrayed for the fact that her best friend had lied to her and agreed to this match.

Rhaenyra was betrothed to Laenor Velaryon and they were to wed in 8 months from the wedding day of her father. All the houses had also come to swear allegiance to the new Heir.

Daemon had stood with his niece through this time. She was getting much better at sword fighting and hand to hand combat. Her father did not like this proximity one bit; he did not want her daughter to turn out like his brother. Her and Daemon shared the Blood of the Dragon. They were restless and impulsive. But Visenya had another thing that scared the people around her; not only was she clever but extremely calculated and unpredictable.

Visenya was getting dressed with Rhaenyra. They were both dressed in their House’s colors. Rhaenyra’s hair was up and Visenya had two braids on each side, falling behind. She also wore her uncle’s necklace.

For Visenya, the wedding under the Seven was ridiculous. Why should the man cloak the bride with his protection? Was the woman a little doll who could only live with protection from a man? A wedding in the tradition of their ancestors was what she wanted. A traditional Valyrian wedding.

Her thoughts were pulled from her when they were pronounced married.

While the King and the now Queen danced, the sister stayed in their seat. They tried to talk, to eat but nothing seemed to make the time go by faster. And the smile on the Hand of the King’s face... That was enough for Visenya to draw the dagger she kept hidden in her thigh and stab him until she was sure he was dead. She took a deep breath and got up, ignoring that thought. When her father saw her leaving he let go of his new wife and followed her.

“Visenya. Must you leave already?”

“It’s been hours, father. I understand it. I truly do” she walked towards her father. She did not forgive him about what he did to her mother, she didn’t think she ever would. But she understood that he had to marry and produce more heirs. Unlike Rhaenyra, she knew how the world worked. “I know that you had to marry” she saw Alicent come behind the King “I do not resent the fact that you are wed. And I will not resent any children you and the queen may have. I apologize for my anger, Your Graces. But for today, I wish to sleep”

“Thank you for nor being angry. It means a lot to me, Princess” Alicent said.

“Yes it means so much”

“You are not my favorite person though” she joked to make the air lighter “But one day I hope we no longer remember the short period of time that I was mean to you Alicent”

“It’s forgotten on my end”

“Have a good night. I shall retire now”

Instead of going to her chambers, the Princess made her way to the Dragon Pit, where she sat next to Balexion. She was growing fast, being as big as Caraxes at this moment.

“Thought I would find you here” Rhaenyra said as she sat near her. Balexion huffed at the disturbance and fell asleep again

“Balexion is a great company”

“What were you talking about with father?”

“I was saying I was not angry at him for marrying her”

“Are you joking?”

“There is nothing we can do Nyra. It was clearly orchestrated by Otto. Alicent only did what her father told her”

“Would you do it if father had asked you?” she asked trying to make a point

“No. But not everyone is as strong minded as me”

The girls laughed together. Since their mother’s death everything was different with them. They no longer went flying together as much and they talked less. Luckily it felt like everything was as it was. They always loved to be together, it used to be impossible to separate them.

Read it on AO3, already complete:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/43163785/chapters/108531222#workskin

[tornwingsfaery]

My beautiful boy, now you really are an angel!

And Zeebo, I can feel you watching over me. Our bond is still there, and I know you are someplace really good, now; more importantly, you feel completely healthy, too. And I will be there with you too in practically no time at all.

But still, this hurts so much right now, not being able to hold you close and push my face against your scruff to smell your precious Zeebo scent, oh it hurts: literally, physically, hurts - this is why it's called a broken heart! I always thought that was a metaphor, but, apparently no. It hurts in my heart.

As if a jagged, brutal, border collie x staffordshire bull terrier cutout was torn out of me with pincers, emotionally speaking.

I have never in my life felt such enormity of mental anguish.

I know the wound will heal from so raw and glaringly, violently bleeding, to, become, eventually, a scar that I can bear.

My sweet dogson, my such a good boy, that you have been gone 2 entire days now astonishes me. It feels so present, utterly right now this very moment. And, simultaneously as if I've been suffering our separation nigh on forever.

You, Zeebo, are the reason that I recovered from addiction and stayed recovered, because you needed me to care for you. It wasn't easy, but it sure helped, (probably as much as subz,) that once there was you added to me, life no longer equaled pain.

🐕+🧚=❤️

You kept on inspiring me through all the therapy and striving til things absolutely improved; both things, and - me. That bit about being the person your dog thinks you are? The world thanks you for my improved outlook, as do I, of course.

On the very first night we met, sweet baby, I looked at you and loved you right there on the spot. I knew the one thing in the world that I wanted the most was, for the first time in a long-ass minute NOT a chemical: I just wanted you to be my dog(son).

And like your bowl proclaimed, my honey baby, "You had me at 'woof'."

I want you to know that the last 9 years of your 13 when we belonged to one another were the best and kindest of my life. You even let me know, the way you fell in love with your soon-to-be dad, that I was safe in trusting him into our lives. (Daddy misses you a lot, as I am sure you can tell, he is just outwardly coping with more calm than I, helping me through it even though he's hurting too.)

Thank you for it all, Zeebo. There are 2 main reason I can keep shuffling forward rn: to honor the gift of hope and belief in goodness, and Light, that you helped me find in life once again. And knowing that you were happy til right before the end; you knew how very much you were loved.

I will heal enough, and be happy enough, again. We will adopt another rescue pup at that point. I will never, even for a day, forget you, and I will always love you so much even I don't have enough words to describe it. Because you are, and always will be, my Very Good Boy, my Zeebo.

RIP Zeebo

A Most Excellent Gentledog

February 2010 - December 12th, 2023

[heathenical]

again

maybe tumblr is my god.

you know, during people's lowest times, they go to church, they kneel and pray. others drink more than they can handle and hurl it out the next day, and some few do drugs. people need something they can hold onto, something reliable, something that will either let them feel something euphoric, or something that numbs away the utter filth the mind can produce. it doesn't always have to be a substance addiction, it could very much be just a silly little website that's basically dead. you know, the one with the app that's not a part of your daily social media rotation. tumblr. tumblr's like my god at this point.

you know, this website used to be bustling with teen angst. now, i guess we've all grown up, and the raging, hormonal pubescents have now realized that life isn't that worthy of romanticization. the pink milk cartons and neon lights, the messy buns and adidas shoes, they're not as beautiful as they once were. we often think of beauty as something objective, don't we? we have standards for them, we rate them quantitatively. we say, "this is beautiful." and everyone believes it for a while until they don't. who actually knows what causes those shifts in trends and norms? sociologists, probably. they'll say that beauty is subjective, some things are beautiful one day and then disgustingly pathetic or.. cringe... the next. i disagree, oh do i disagree completely.

time. beauty is heavily dependent on time. the beauty of something will remain inside it, preserved, as a memory, stuck in a timeline. bodies lie, minds are manipulated, priorities change and so on. it's not that the milkis cans aren't aesthetically pleasing anymore, you just grew up, and society has changed who you are. suddenly, the things you used to love have become unvaluable to you. but at the time you purchased your adidas nmds, you thought they were the prettiest looking shoe money could buy. now you're obsessed with expensive cafe drinks that all look and taste the same, and designer brands that sell towel skirts and had a pedophilic campaign once. things that are beautiful have to be remembered intently, and with lots and lots of context, it's the only way to understand it. that's why some art pieces look visually underwhelming, but through knowledge of the artist's intention, the supposed meaning of a piece, then you realize it's beauty, sealed and tucked in a nice frame, or carved stone, or through vectors. you just need to time travel a bit.

it's nice, however, to see the teenagers with lots of time in their hands become busy. they're too busy to get an addiction now. by the time they go home, they just fall asleep. they don't force themselves to not eat so they can be skinny, they simply forget to eat, or don't have enough money to eat. they rarely have time finding new artists to listen to, they stick to the ones they grew up with, those whose lyrics they know by heart, the ones that instantly brighten up their mood on the way to their daily commute. that's how it is now. saddest of all, they've forgotten how to fall in love. they used to romanticize every eye contact, every touch, every kiss, every conversation with their first love as if it was the only thing they need to survive on this earth. they'd write poem after poem for their straight best friend, write songs like their heart knew how to sing, and was always beating in sync with a melody. they'd take silly photos, blur them a ton, and insert text in helvetica neue to sieze the moment, and then make it their lockscreen or wallpaper. tinder came. omegle came. bumble came. for some of us, grindr came. and suddenly, that little kid who planned their whole life with this one person they fell in love with? they're gone now. they're lost in a sea of hook ups, bad first dates, shallow people that base of their entire personalities from zodiac signs, mbti results, and their spotify playlists. they've struggled, scrolling and swiping at every corner of their phones to find someone, anyone, worth investing their time onto because they realize that the time they have is so limited and they might as well settle for quick bursts and pulses of pleasure than a long, sustained and assuring one. they only come back to this website when they're sad and need someone to talk to, but all their friends are now busy with internships, theses, or their own boyrfriends and girlfriends. you realize you're back in this stupid website, back being that alone, misunderstood teenager yet again.

and this is why tumblr needs to stay. tumblr is beautiful. it transcends time. when you're busy with your daily life, and you're comfortable with the flow of time, you see this website, this application, and you think, who the fuck uses this? who the fuck needs to be this poetic and emotional all the time? but then, somthing happens. you grieve, maybe you're going through a break up, maybe you failed your exams and need to vent your feelings out with no judgement, and then you come back here. you scroll, and you cry at every post you see. it touches your soul. it makes you feel better that some other being out there might be struggling the same way you are. or maybe you just feel comforted by your old posts. tumblr is like a little time capsule, filled with memories of your sad times, your romantic moments, your highest achievements, all of those moments that make you feel like you have a substance addiction. except this one's legal, and not really tangible. nostalgia is a whole drug in and of itself. sometimes, it hits people so hard, they continue living in the past. it was a happier time, more innocent, less responsibilities, more friends. everything was just less complicated as it is now. and then we cry. because time traveled so fast, and you've changed so quickly, you forgot to savor your moments. as a child, you said you'd never be like those bitter adults. you said you'd know how to spend your money so you'd always have a smile on your face, that you won't become greedy, that you'd travel places and meet people. you said you'd know how like you truly were able to see the future. how is life treating you, pal? why are you here again?

[riverpatel]

NOVEMBER 3RD, 2022. Bradford Springs Cemetery

notes & tw: upon learning where Trix ( @trixstone ) and Del’s ( @del-walsh ) father was buried, River decided to go have the one and only conversation they would have with the man. There are allusions to abuse and neglect and of course, death. Basically, River would like to say some things they cannot say to anyone else and release a few frustrations into the universe so they no longer feel the need to hold onto them.

While River was the type of person who could be found almost anywhere, there were certain places they did not go. Hallowed ground was avoided unless it was absolutely necessary, usually making a point to block the spirit world from their minds eye. However, there were occasions that they faced their hesitation and ventured onto consecrated earth if the need was strong enough. This was one of those times. They followed the map they were given by the groundskeeper to their destination. Once the name 'Bridges' was spotted, River folded up the paper to shove in the back pocket of their black ripped up skinny jeans. They crouched down in front of the stone and took in it's entirety with dark eyes. Lips parted to let out a slow exhale while they searched for a good place to start.

"You don't know me." River cleared their throat of the frog mimicking their voice. "My name is River and I came here because I, uh," they sighed and glanced around before focusing again. "Thank you for your contribution in the creation of your child. But, you should have done better to try and raise them. You should have done more. I fell in love with both Kai and Trix, but no one else gets to know Kai and that's your fault." Their lips shrugged and they swallowed a lump forming in their throat. It was not a name they ever spoke out loud, despite knowing it as well as their own. The pieces of that strong, resilient child that held so much of Trix's fear, wonder, and innocence was never hidden from River. There were many things about the other half of their soul that they held close and never told anyone about. Not because they didn’t want the entire world to know just how amazing the love of their life is or how incredibly powerful they are, but because it is not their story to tell. They knew each other inside and out, the ugliest and darkest thing they thought would send the other running for the hills only proved to bring them impossibly closer together.

"I want you to know that despite what you did, and did not do, your child thrived. They went on to find who they were instead of learning it from you. Trix is beautiful, successful, loving, brilliant, and talented. They surmounted to so many things and not a single one can be attributed back to you. See, you could have gone with them on that journey but instead you caused them so much pain they erased any trace of your existence and your name is nothing now." River leaned in to whisper, as if the next words were too harsh to say in a normal tone. "Your name died with you and will never be spoken again. I will help them make sure of that." They sniffed and took a centered breath. "What really fucking sucks, is I can never introduce them to my parents. I couldn't bring them back to New Orleans after we met or flew either of mine to Seattle to introduce them to the person I would be with for the rest of my life and I could have met you. We could have shook hands and you could have given me the third degree while I tried to impress you so you would find me worthy of being their life partner. I don’t understand that and it bewilders me, man. How can anyone be that shitty to something so beautiful? What could compel anyone to look at their beautiful creation and choose anything but love and adoration?" They licked their lips and their fists balled up next to them then released the tension that built with their train of thought. "You don't deserve your children. They deserved your love and praise and care and got nothing instead. Addiction is not an excuse. I am an addict and I love both of your children so, so much. I love Trix with everything I can possibly offer and I will always keep trying to give them more. I will give them everything you did not and I will make sure every disgusting thing you put them through fades into the abyss. You will never hurt them again."

River straightened to stand again and fixed their jacket around their body. "I came here to introduce myself and make you that promise. You will never exist again. This is where your legacy ends. Some nothing name on cheaply fashioned granite." Arms crossed over their chest and they shifted the weight from one leg to the other. "There will be no chance for you to redeem yourself with them in the afterlife, wherever you are within it. We have so many more lives to live together and you will never be included. You lost all your rights to them. But, thank you, for giving me the other half of my soul back. Thank you, Mr. Bridges because I now have everything and the greatest love this universe will ever witness. Now I'm going to leave you with nothing. Respectfully." River gave a slight bow and turned to walk away. No anger or tears or love left behind. They left nothing but words for the man who partially composed their entire universe.

[frizzy-frizz-frizz]

"the kevjean dynamic has me in a chokehold i cant stop thinking about them." SAME and I think its so valid of us there's too little of them out there whether it's romantic or platonic it's actually a crime

"i should reread it again" lmao that's exactly what I'm doing I'm currently halfway through chapter 3 (now 5 now the sequel and I'm done i might reread it again now since its complete). Also lost??? Omg you're so so correct here. "But if only you could see yourself in my eyes you'd see you shine, you shine I know you'd never leave me behind but I am lost this time" you are so so correct here

"these three will be the end of me i swear." THIS ENTIRE PARAGRAPH WILL BE THE END OF ME I SWEAR

"even the AGES are right." I KNOW HOW DOES IT FIT SO WELL

"my interpretation is VERY self indulgement." Self indulge away I'm here for it

"i associate my tears ricochet with post-baltimore kandrew." Lmao listen I thought this but then I was like perhaps that's too controversial idk but I'm so glad you went for it anyway

"FIRMLY believe andrew has had some horrible horrible thoughts about being like every person who's hurt kevin." I AM SO WITH YOU HERE THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT

"listen those two are practically melded together okay" they rlly rlly are okay I'm in the middle of Andrews pov in tnotg sequel and I'm having feelings

"SOBBING THESE TWO THEY END ME I WILL NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT THEM" hurting each other = hurting themselves

"once again, about kevin running away to the foxes and jean being at the nest" ykw this is such a valid interpretation but I refuse to believe that they didn't at least somewhat repair their relationship post canon okay I need them to be roommates okay

"BUT for extra sad you can remember all the drafts nora wrote where Jean died." BABE LITERALLY WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO REMEMBER THAT I ACTIVELY TRY AND NOT THINK ABOUT THAT I'm so fucking glad we had him joining the trojans instead that's so so much happier I remember the previous drafts and I need to lie the fuck down

"Andrew digging his heels and yet following Kevin and he promises andrew the world and them drags him towards it" YOU GET IT they were fucking attached at the hip

I am now actually incapable of listening to willow without thinking of kandrew the same way I can't listen to liability without thinking of kevin or dorothea without kevneil or two birds without kevjean

YOUVE ADDED THIS IS ME TRYING listen the way this song gets to me "I had the shiniest wheels now they're rusting" Literally him breaking his hand "Could've followed my fears all the way down" KEVIN "I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere fell behind on my classmates, and I ended up here" is this not him going from a raven to a fox???? "but I didn't pour the whiskey" the song's also about alcohol addiction this song's now linked to him in my head

Okay I have listened to silence before but with them??? "I found peace in your violence" yes I can see this "Can't show me there's no point in trying" is this not the entire point of their deal??? Kevin constantly trying to get him to try and to give him something to build his life around??? But also in reverse andrew giving him the chance to learn how to play again??? "I'm in need of a savior but I'm not asking for favors" GODDAMN "I'm so used to being in the wrong, I'm tired of caring" andrew core

I'm not ok is so pre-canon kandrew the way I dont even know which lyrics to start quoting first "I can be a handful but that's why you have two hands" lmao accurate I don't even know which one of them that could refer to "I can be a danger, danger for you" I THINK IM JUST GOING TO HAVE TO QUOTE THE WHOLE SONG "Too many issues, so I wouldn't blame you" ITS THEM???

505??? I LOVE 505 "If it's a seven hour flight or a forty-five minute drive" yk how in tnotg andrew flies to Boston bc kevins team would be there. Sorry I'm never shutting up about this fic ever "I'd probably still adore you with your hands around my neck or I did last time I checked" I NEED A MOMENT SHIT HOW DID I FORGET THIS LINE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WHY WOULD YOU SUGGEST THIS IM NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO MOVE PAST THIS OH MY GOD "But I crumble completely when you cry" BABE YOU KNOW THAT ONE BIT IN TNOTG SEQUEL "If Andrew turns his head now, and finds Kevin quietly crying, it'll be the only thing that has ever happened to him." Yeah I'm def rereading this the way I can never stop thinking of it its THE kandriel post canon fic. "It seems like once again you've had to greet me with goodbye" Post graduation vibes everytime they meet they know it won't last long FUCK I'm obsessed with this song with them you've given me crack

I am not a robot okay okay you mention a song by marina and you've got my attention with every lyric I keep flip flopping between who the song is talking about "You've been acting awful tough lately smoking a lot of cigarettes lately" bc this is clearly andrew right but then "you don't always have to be on top better to be hated than loved loved loved for what you're not" which is so kevin??? Lowkey the way raven fans turned on him when he joined the foxes "I'm vulnerable I am not a robot" this could honestly be either of them the way both of them are viewed by the ppl around them

WOLVES WITHOUT TEETH YOURE SO RIGHT FOR THIS “Open my chest and colour my spine” I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START WITH THIS the idea that andrew was doing his best to hold up kevins spine for like months until he could do it himself "I'll be the blood if you'll be the bones" I don't know why but in my mind kevin is clearly the blood while andrew is the bones "hover like a hummingbird haunt me in my sleep" they were fucking attached at the hip obsessed with each other and OKAY SO THE CHORUS you would not believe what i found on genius lyrics "They are not running from the physical thing, but from what the thing represents emotionally. A wolf prostrate and panting is seeking permission for something, it wants it, but needs consent. The “tearing with out teeth” is the emotional pain of the mutual love and attraction they share, but cannot express." I actually can't look at this any other way now wtf was this person on when they wrote this annotation why does it work so well for them my god "how can I keep you inside my lungs" listen I'm sorry to keep bringing up tnotg but also tnotg andrew to kevin

Ghost of you by 5sos kinda reminds me of kandrew but like post baltimore (PLS I ACTUALLY WROTE THIS BEFORE YOU SENT THAT ASK and yes you absolutely should create a kandrew playlist if you want i'll be here for it) yk the whole missing someone who isn't there's anymore "still can't sleep on your side" them not being able to sleep in the same bed bc of a whole host of issues for both of them but also bc kevins gone and moved out "dancing through our house with the ghost of you" he's not there anymore when he's been within arms reach before "when you ran away, and no one could feel your hurt" LIKE ITS THEM

Also idk if this is bc I've just started twisting every song I listen to until it relates to aftg but endgame for kandriel??? Like first part is Kandrew the second verse is kevineil and third verse is andriel?? This either works rlly well and I'm correct or I've completely lost my mind (but like "I protect you with my life...reconnected when we were little bit older...i hit you like bang...calling my bluff on all my usual tricks"???)

Have you considered Dollhouse by Melanie bc it lowkey describes the nest/perfect court the idea that the public sees smth that it totally false while shit is going down behind the scene like "everyone thinks that we're perfect please don't let them look through the curtains" "smile for the picture pose with your brother"

LAST WORDS OF A SHOOTING STAR IN ON YOUR PLAYLIST "All of this turbulence wasn’t forecasted" him expecting to stay at the nest for college and then having to leave and all the drama that came after "I am relieved I left my room tidy" HIS ROOM AT THE NEST and when neil was there and it was like all perfectly preserved "they’ll never know how I’d stared at the dark in that room with no thoughts" again the nest?? It has just occurred to me that this could apply to jean as well "my dreams made music in the night" both of them dreaming of being able to get out one day "I was going to live" THEM FINALLY BEING ABLE TO LEAVE "you’d say you love me and look in my eyes but I know through mine you were looking in yours" okay okay but is this not kevin and rikos entire relationship riko looking at kevin but only viewing himself through it bc kevin was just an extension of himself and not his own person

Also Life on your playlist works so well???? "twenty-two and confused" this is like nothing new all over again bc HOW DOES THE AGE FIT "broken miss America" kevin being one of America's sweethearts is like so personal to me. WHICH REMINDS ME Miss America and the Heartbreak prince fits so so well for kandrew I feel like I've definitely seen someone mention it somewhere but I can't for the life of me remember who or where but god does it work I mean "I saw the scoreboard and ran for my life" pls see the vision I need your opinion

Queen of the night also works so well for them you're right EVERY LINE IS SO THEM "I've bandaged your bruises you've held back my hair who'd've known when this started that we'd end up here" pre canon to post canon them growing into ppl who can be good to and for each other "you reach out and touch me, say my name like a prayer" I need to go lie down how dare you suggest this song "all my friends say you're dangerous but I don't fucking care" okay my first thought was pre-canon ppl warning them to stay away from each other bc kevin could potentially bring down the mafia on andrew and Andrews whole stay away I'm dangerous vibe but like the only friends they had pre canon were like jean and renee??? So lol no there was no-one telling them to keep away from each other "This holy redemption tears us in two but I can't turn my back to you" Post baltimore divorce era vibes babe "one hand on the wheel and one hand on my thigh" lmao listen its a cliche but I feel like andrew would enjoy it with like Kevin or Neil in the passenger seat as long as no one is watching them "you're kissing my fingers, and I kiss your tattoo's" HOW DARE YOU RECOMMEND THIS SONG TO ME HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE THIS also I'm a strong believer of multiple tattoos older kevin (his dad has them and there's this one fanart by lucky-slice that's so lovely and you can rip this out of my cold dead hands). "and talk shit forever" lmao domestic kandriel shit talking ppl and gossiping is my jam

This got long I'm slightly concerned it won't send lol

line break for my lovely mutuals <3

lol my answers is just as long and i lowkey wanna post this without a paragraph break and plague people's dash

'there's too little of them out there whether it's romantic or platonic it's actually a crime' RIGHT?? kevjean is soooo scarce so of course we get to make everything about them. their specific dynamic is just so special and i am hooked on it

SAME im currently rereading tnotg this series is my lifeline. dayurno is a genius i owe them my life

' Lmao listen I thought this but then I was like perhaps that's too controversial idk but I'm so glad you went for its anyway' I couldnt bear to remove it!! i have so many feeling about this song i had to sit there and process it bear to remove this song not when it so so perfect and i am always in need of more material about the

YES someone agrees with me about my tears ricochet this is so validating. and YEAH the cherry liquor ice cream in the tnotg sequel!! i was never the same. i think of that scene a lot while listening to this song. they are SO- canonically attached at the hip kandrew really will end me huh 'Lmao listen I thought this but then I was like perhaps that's too controversial idk but I'm so glad you went for it anyway' oh there was no way i was skipping THIS SONG i have sooo many feeling about it its essential kandrew divorce era shit

i am DESPERATE for kevin and jean to get something of a happy ending I want them to find peace so badly they will absolutely rebuild post canon this is not up for argument.....but I may or may not read an unhealthy amount of kevjean agnst. but honestly if nora had killed off jean after ALL OF THAT I would've just put the book down right then and there i couldn't that bro i COULDNT

"they were fucking attached at the hip" they were they really were like- knowing each schedule and every little habit THEY ARE BASICALLY MARRIED

YEAH willow is so so perfect i listen to it on repeat i cant help it and i understand you so completely its impossible to separate liability and kevin in my mind now

' "I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere fell behind on my classmates, and I ended up here" is this not him going from a raven to a fox??? ' god yes this lyrics is what did it for me. this song is so so so inherently kevin with his stubbron single minded focus. kevin who's never done anything halfway flying or fighting or falling. ' "but I didn't pour the whiskey" the song's also about alcohol addiction this song's now linked to him in my head' YES YES cause it is absolutely criminal how little his alcoholism is addressed in this fandom i NEED more fics where its a main plot point.

' is this not the entire point of their deal??? Kevin constantly trying to get him to try and to give him something to build his life around??? But also in reverse andrew giving him the chance to learn how to play again??? ' akdnfnsjnndj YEAH YOU GET IT ITS SO THEM i cant believe it took me so long to consider this but now. i cannot stop.

'I THINK IM JUST GOING TO HAVE TO QUOTE THE WHOLE SONG "Too many issues, so I wouldn't blame you" ITS THEM ' JUST THE WHOLE SONG I COULDNT BELIEVE IT WASNT WRITTEN FOR THEM

"yk how in tnotg andrew flies to Boston bc kevins team would be there" not andrew Afraid Of Heights minyard getting on a fucking plane to got to an EXY event of all things just cause kevin will be there and- ngl that was may favourite kandrew scene in tnotg its PERFECT I LOVE IT. 505 KILLED ME AND BROUGHT ME BACK TO LIFE THAT LINE JUST ENDED ME RIGHT THERE HOW IS IT JUST SO- if i have to be stuck on this forever so do you "BABE YOU KNOW THAT ONE BIT IN TNOTG SEQUEL" EXACTLY you get it!! I was actually rereading tnotg when 505 came on and I FROZE it was SO PERFECT. I feel you I'd forgotten that lyric existed but now I listen to it on repeat I cant stop its so so so perfect it might as well be crack

'I keep flip flopping between who the song is talking about' right?? and every other line could be about either of them god they are so complementary but also theyre so much more alike than people realise at first and this song shows that so well. THIS WHOLE SONG IS BASICALLY KANDREW ARGUING BACK AND FORTH DONT YOU SEE "andrew, mockcingly: Who you never really liked and you never trusted But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins", "kevin: Never committing to anything, You don't pick up the phone when it ring, ring, rings", "both of them: Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing"

' "I'll be the blood if you'll be the bones" I don't know why but in my mind kevin is clearly the blood while andrew is the bones' I HAD THE SAME THOUGHT!! it just fits so well?? youre right. And no no PLEASE continue mentioning tnotg i actually added this song because of tnotg. remember that one scene where neil thought andrew would slash his chest open for kevin and kevin walk into his chest and never look back?? YEA this exactly. omg omg i hadnt see the analysis of the song "I actually can't look at this any other way now wtf was this person on when they wrote this annotation why does it work so well for them my god" SAME this now lives rent free in my head i cant see it any other way either

'Ghost of you by 5sos kinda reminds me of kandrew but like post baltimore (PLS I ACTUALLY WROTE THIS BEFORE YOU SENT THAT ASK ' THE COINCEDNCE LMAO. no no but youre right and this song is so them like im supposed to hear "and i chase it down with a shot of truth, that my feet dont dance like they did with you" and NOT think of those dramatic fuckers?? when its clearly about them finding their sides feeling too empty?? their schedules out of balance?? their steps ungraceful after each movement was complementary...steps in a dance....give and take....at eqilibrium with each other for years?? how does one walk when the constant comforting weight by their side has been ripped away leaving bruised skin in his wake?? disgracefully that's how.

ENDGAME i hadnt considered BUT YOURE RIGHT I SEE IT. or maybe my brain is the saame and twits everything into being all about these exny idiots...perhaps we'll never know. immediately the kandreil of it all with the "oh and i got big enemies" and these dramatics fucks and their very different reputations. and THEN "you hold me down and i protect you with my life" VERSE ONE COMING IN WITH KANDREW.

i really really like the kevneil portion in endgame sooo much tho ' "I protect you with my life…reconnected when we were little bit older" ' THIS IS SO NEIL SINGING "Even when we'd argue, we don't do it for long, And you understand the good and bad, end up in the song" them CONSTANTLY arguing on and off court and kevin being the only one who understands all of neil, who knows the whole story, neil being the only fox who GETS what the nest is like....even BEFORE the nathaneil reveal kevin SEES him he picks him out of hundreds of potential players because he understands, KNOWS his game, his potential ON SIGHT (im confident this would be the case in any universe, kevin constantly finding him).

GOOD GOD THE ANDREIL AT THE END "calling my bluff on all my usual tricks" literally end me now cause they learnt each other so fluently in so little time "And I can't let you go, your hand print's on my soul" THIS LYRIC?? , andrew's hands always firm and decided yet always always kind....how could he go very long without his touch now that he's felt it? now that the memory is cooling balm on his skin on his soul?? "I hit you like bang" neil coming in like a whirlwind becoming essentially so quickly!! (and also andrew hitting him with the raquet in tfc lol)....imma put this song on my kevin playlist..the andreil portion can be like a fun extra in the middle of all the kevin vibes

dollhouse is very interesting i dont listen to melanie much i hadnt considered this.....but damn the vibes are so so much like the nest. kevin having to play the part of #2 of the perferct court...riko's brother...the raven with the perfect life...the media darling. no one really knows what goes on in the nest behind closed doors. no one can ever hear what kevin actually wants to say and that's the thing!! he's been voiceless his whole life....being torn apart in private and then paraded around like a show pony in public. god kevin day has been trapping in plastic wrapping for so long. I NEED THIS SONG IN THE PLAYLIST

LIFE IS SO PERFECT YOU GET IT. tbh the age mentioned is why i started thinking about kevin with this song in mind and now i cant stop. yessssss kevin day the media darling the broken miss america!!! a large part of my playlist is based around this i cant- "SHE WROTE IT ON THE BATHROOM WALL IN HER FAVOURITE SHADE OF LIPSTICK L I F E" there's just something so- kevin about that action. its barely thought through yet desperate yet so so resolute somehow. I CANT EXPLAIN but this song?? it is EXACTLY the emotions/attitude i imagine kevin would have during his healing process especially post baltimore. "Call it a night when the lights in the club dont shine no more" AND THEN "Call it a night when the lights in the studio dont shine no more" i mean come ON

'EVERY LINE IS SO THEM' RIGHT?? literally every part of it is perfect ilisten to this while imagining them on a drive alone to wherever they like aka a date not that andrew would call it that, and andrew gets to watch kevin bask in the sunlight and kevinn gets to watch him unwind and just- the heavy comfort these two can find in each other WHILE being the person one who can fully rile the other up (until neil). ' "you reach out and touch me, say my name like a prayer" I need to go lie down how dare you suggest this song ' HAHA i had the same reaction this song is on par with 505 in terms of utterly destructive lyrics in the context of kandrew.

ngl one of my favourite songs on the kandrew playlist is alone with me by vance joy like i heard the first line and i sold immediately this song is SO THEM YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO IT "i saw you smile, i knew you had spirit" ISNT THIS THAT ONE SCENE "so, did you have fun?" "youre despicable kevin day, dont know why i keep you around"?? IM SOBBING THIS IS ABOUT KEVIN BEING PROUD OF ANDREW!! and seeing him actually *try* and show courage and being like "i told you so i told you you could do it, i knew from the beginning all that you are and can be" AND THEN "isnt it odd the way we tell ourselves we've go limits" THIS IS BOTH OF THEM?? GOD THIS SONG

[bitter30s]

Cheating men create bitter women.

I was living my best life in Colorado at age 28 going on 29. I met a man and I believed he was the one. You can guess where this is going. I “fell in love”. He was younger than me and I should have kicked him to the curb when the first few red flags showed up. 

#1 he was going through a divorce 

#2 he lied about his age

#3 within the first two weeks of us exclusively dating he was still on dating sites and said he had to keep his options open. 

But stupidity prevailed I put this “man” before myself and before God and moved him in my apartment. Ignoring all the red flags and God’s clear “NO’s!”  

Things in Colorado were peaches and cream. He was living off me and I didn’t see the problem. SMFH. 

He is in the military so he gets moved 4 months into our relationship to Tennessee. I should have let go and let God, right? Wrong …my dumb ass gets a job and leaves the state I love and followed this man-child to TN. He helps me make the move financially and even helps me find an apartment. Mind you he is still technically married but legally separated. So the military and social media have no idea we are in a relationship.

My dumb ass gets pregnant the moment I get to Tennessee. This man-child takes me to meet his entire family in Atlanta, who I love and loved me instantly.  We kept our relationship and my pregnancy on the down-low and only our families know the truth. As he is still living with me in my apartment that I am paying all the bills for. I catch him talking to other woman and sending inappropriate pictures with not once but twice. And what do I do, you ask?I forgive him and allow him to continue to allow him to live in my home rent free. 

(Side note he has a room at the army base he could stay at). 

But I forgive him and we pray and he claimed  to have given the “sex addiction” to God. (If a man can lie to God and about what God is doing in your life…(He can lie to anyone) He claims over and over that he is getting better. 

We pray and move on to him going through all my journals from the past 6 years. Questioning me on my past relationships from before we were even a thing. He called me a liar and questioned me of details on my past. After 10 years of smoking weed I had truly forgotten most of my past. I was a sexual person in my early 20’s just like most young adults and he calls me a slut. Hang in there it gets better.

The first week of my third trimester he goes through all my old broken phones and reads my old journals from 5-6 years prior and questions me on it. We get into an argument. My side was why do you care about what I did in the past before you knew me. “Don’t you realize I am a different person and you never knew that side of me”. He says “well why can’t I have that version of you too.” Because mother fucker I am a new creation in Christ Jesus and I am not in the streets anymore. I am about be 30 and about to be a mom and want to settle down now. Mind you his guilty conscience is trying to accuse me of the things he is doing. 

October 1 we get into another altercation. He pushes me into a table and pushed me out the door of my own home. Mind you I’m 25 ish weeks pregnant. The next day my water broke. I end up in the hospital for three weeks almost losing my job forcing him to pay 2 months of my bills. His name was not on my apartment. My healthy baby boy was born at 29 weeks at 2 lb and 14 oz. My son was breach and a lack of fluid forced me to have a c section. During my intense stay at the hospital he complained about his sexual desires not being met because we haven’t had sex due to me having a Cervical cerclage at 20 weeks pregnant and being in the hospital because of my water breaking. He tells me he wants to have a threesome and I told him I did not. Because I’ve done it before and didn’t like it. I also don’t want to bring another person into our relationship. I told him if he wants to do it don’t expect me to still be here. He says since I’ve moved to Tennessee our sex life hasn’t been the best. And I’ve never matched his sexual desires. (Side note I’ve made him finish within seconds- but in our arrangement he claims my cat is ran through, must be tight enough to make you finish quick). 

(Several other arguments and altercations have happened but I’m just naming the major ones)

A week after my c section we have another argument and he kicks me in the stomach. And no, I never called the police on him because I was a stupid girl “in love”. 

Later we argue about my desire, dreams, and goals of wanting to go to complete my MDiv and going to Law School. He says that it’s stupid to get a degree because most people he knows don’t use their degrees. But my track record showed I used my BSW to the max and now I want to work on the Macro level. His points are invalid because he doesn’t even have a completed degree. He has been in the military the past 6/7 years and before that he worked at Walmart.

Last account. Baby boy comes home and the holidays pass. I’m blessed to work from home with the same company. This fool buys a house and we moved into the house together the second week of December. 

It’s the second week of January I’m at home playing the piano in his Mac book. He called and helped me set it up. Now at this point I don’t know if he wanted to get caught or is just fucking stupid.  He is texting 4 different woman and his phone is connected his Mac. I called to confront him and he denies what I’m seeing. A woman is responding it was so great seeing you yesterday. I respond maybe you shouldn’t be talking to a man with a girlfriend and baby he just bought a house for.  I sent it to the other girl and talked to them both by sending them my number. Come to find out this bitch has been dating them both since my water broke. He has been seeing them and showing up in my car. Meeting their children. He has several other relationships. What do I do, You ask? I exposed him for the cheating, lying, ass wipe he is. I told his entire family. He gets mad and we tussle over the baby and he steals my phone. I ran to the neighbors and called the police. He in return tells me I need to get out. With no where to go and no money. Mind you all the shit in the house is mine! SMH. In the end he put his baby momma and new born baby out in the middle of winter and changed the locks. I call the military and police and expose him. I packed a Uhaul. with as much as I could and left. He was too afraid to sign the birth certificate and give the baby his last name because he didn’t want to get into trouble with the military because he was still going through his divorce. His divorce was finalized Oct 3. My son was born October 22. With that being said in the state of Tennessee according to the military and police he has no rights over my son. I took a picture of his SSN and birth certificate and will be putting his ass on child support.  And here I am starting over again at 30 with a newborn baby boy who has my entire heart, back home with my family in Maryland. But cheating men turn women bitter because I don’t want to ever date again. 

What did I learn: 

#1 don’t meet people on Facebook Dating. 

#2 don’t move in together until he puts a ring on your finger. 

#3 stand for what you believe is what is right and don’t take shit from any man. Especially one with little if no life experiences. 

#4 don’t trust a man who can lie to God or about God’s work in his life. 

What good came out of it. 

#1 my son 

#2 I will listen to God more 

#3 he did get me reconnected to my father and I helped him get out of jail. 

#4 I lived in the south. 

#5 I’m back home to begin a new chapter in a better future forward 

[incarnateirony]

You know what this woman could have done to avoid all of this? The pain, the shattered pride, her broken world questioning everything she knows?

Nothing.

Both ways.

If she had done nothing (NOT stalking, NOT allowing her friends to harass me for years on her approval, NOT consciously investing six months of her life intentionally trying to fuck up both my game and business), as inconvenient as the astral aspect was for me, I would have tolerated it, just like I gave her all the time I did tolerating it, and seeing if she could grow up and process her grief enough to Do Nothing.

But there's also Nothing she could have done, because she cannot do that. Her cult attachment and shadow projection while attempting to call my persona and just getting the echoes has literally addicted her toxic obsession to me while she fell into delirium and psychosis her user "friends" and "boyfriend" encouraged for their own selfish reasons, because again, she can do Nothing, and has Nothing. Even her support network and supposed loved ones are fake as shit.

But all she had to do was Nothing, and she couldn't.

And now she's mad at me because she refuses to look at herself when she spent 17, 11, 3 years and six months driving herself into this car crash and now it's anybody's fault but her and the vampires around her. How dare we shatter her schizophrenic delusions and make her realize her entire life is fake, we were just supposed to bend over for her abuse and control.

Now we've reached a point they may have innocent blood on their hands from trying to fuck around with things they truly not only don't understand, but REFUSE to understand, and they won't even blink. It won't bother them one fucking bit.

We weren't supposed to TELL anyone that she's a fraud, she thought she could get away with it forever charging people for made up or stolen bullshit, so much she forgot that she stole what she stole. We weren't supposed to SPEAK UP about what she does to both me and him. We were supposed to be quiet little caged birds she occasionally throws acid on. We weren't supposed to be allowed to scream when she tries intentional torture and abuse. And we certainly weren't supposed to be able to fight back or defend ourselves, just be plastic toys on a mantle for her ego. Now she doesn't know how to shut us up. Much less stop her life from being destroyed on both sides, including her entire Essence Of Being.

I genuinely don't think there's the original person salvageable in her. When I say she has become a mess of warped ego and shadows misguided by psychosis a bunch of equally abusive user pieces of shit around her all encouraged for petty personal reasons, I mean it. I don't think she can come back from this in this lifetime. Because she literally has made herself too weak to face herself and rebuild into something that is real.

NO ONE that cares about this woman would have been encouraging her once they realized she built her BUSINESS of MYSTICISM off of PLAGIARIZED 23 YEAR OLD ANIME OCTOPUS JIBBERISH. The SECOND they heard she was talking to fucking octopus jibberish gods should have been an intervention, not a fucking encouragement to quadruple down into fursuit fetish schizophrenia land featuring the furry god of death and the kibble bowl.

You know why they let it happen? Because they hate me more than they "love" her. I don't know if they know what that word means really. But paying attention to her sliding into psychosis and ripping out her hair was secondary or even tertiary to like, their obsession with trying to annoy me and talk about me like a man's writing their story, because damn y'all fail the bechdel test bad.

They don't care. Her new hubby probably was running out of time being tolerated where they were at and attached like a parasite, not realizing they just attached to another parasite, and they're sucking each other dry.

If it was any more tropes of lazy man writing they were managing to pull off her posts would have started being about jiggling along boobily before logging off to talk to her copies of me she's praising on her altar and denying it's what it literally fucking is, because wow, that'd be fucking awkward for her husband to ever fucking have to face too. Like how does a marriage recover with "I spent our entire relationship pining after my ex and training you to replace him and Be Him."

Hope their fandom and roleplays were worth destroying her entire life and possibly her eternal existence. Cuz she's too fucking stubborn and self absorbed to ever admit she's fucked up. Like all the way, not trying to negotiate the edges. All the way fucked, root up, needs an entire system purge and restart to fix it, and she's too scared with no real supports to actually do that. Nobody left around her even knew who she used to be. She used up and left behind everyone that did.

Someone forgot what a certain entity was like when he, or his family, was being wronged. All they remember is their woobified body pillow recreation. The one she reblogged random tumblr things to try to erase her own memory, that a god could never have wrath or deny someone, much less start smiting or punishing them.

Bitch is HUNTED. Getting processed. A slow, painful deletion as everything she thinks she has is revealed fake and bleeds away.

She has no identity.

And it's her and their fault.

She wasn't ripping out her hair when she was with me. This should not be difficult to math out. If -> empty-> rip out hair-> attempt to replace emptiness->make cult->cult doesn't feel right->roleplays don't feel the same->why am I compelled to stalk an ex for 3 years that's trying to ignore me idk must not be relevant->the great octopus jibberish cocaine bear embarrassment of walking into the cosmic acme trap -> deny because oh my god this means my bf will realize he wasn't enough for me and is just the next toy in my toychest.

Bitch is so lost in her lies she even forgot what actual "magic" looked like. It didn't used to just to be thoughts inside her head she shared and put into third person. But she hasn't seen a real magician or real god in 3 years. Well she summoned one into her presence for like 30 minutes by force while trying to refuse to take accountability for her actions and trying to make me pay for her own therapy of realizing she's a horrible, abusive piece of shit with advanced psychosis, no gods, and a fake life, down to the origin of her relationship, and the end of the last one.

When she pined for a mystical hermetic experience so hard enough to fuck up her life like this, I don't think she expected a 3 month long gnostic experience of both the god and the man she deified trying to delete her from existence for being an irredeemable sack of shit. Like constant 3 months, for that matter. Because when you have actual divine connection, it's not a roleplay you can motherfucking log out of or pack away with your vibrator after making her or her husband pretend to be me. And the life she wanted is doing a fucking breakdance on her that she even ushered in with "you know, hermes and the dance moves..." while all she can muster is talking to disassociated voices in altar toys as an excuse to feed herself various candy.

indeed.

[that-florarret]

This is going to be so random and I'm leaving it untagged due to this being me just gushing over a particular EO class. If someone from the fandom somehow stumbles upon this, I am so sorry in advance if you see this!

Anyway, out of all the classes in EO, I am absolutely obsessed and addicted to the Arcanist class. Every time I have the opportunity to add them to the team, they're getting on the team as soon as possible! Ever since I first saw them, I just fell in love with their aesthetic and their skills and everything! They just make me so happy!

I've played pretty much the entire series, minus EOU2 and EMD2. The very first EO game I played was IV, the game Arcanists were introduced. I'm not going to lie, I obsessed over Hexers and Zodiacs for a time, but I keep going back to those white haired lovelies. It's really silly, but them being in Nexus was the main reason I got the game as soon as I could afford it ^^' I was going to get it anyway, but like... I wanted them on my team as soon as possible. I'm even running a two person team on IV right now with one. I didn't realize how frail they are until my sweet child keeps accidentally getting on the front line, but they're so perfect once they got some circle skills!

I genuinely don't know how anyone else builds them, but I always build them the same way every time. Passive healing walking the labyrinths. Passive healing when a circle is up. Max atrophic and charm to weaken enemies. Maxed poison and nerve circles. I've only recently focused on binds now for. Reasons. Like the unholy duplicating man. And having a two person team in Misty Ravine.

I really enjoy drawing them too! It's a bit challenging due to how thin they are, but it really helps with practicing different body types! Honestly, I have so many sketches that will never see the light of day of just one particular character I designed because he is so fun to draw! I basically made an EO au for that fandom so I can't exactly put him here ._. But I love him anyway! And I'm still planning on creating a story based on that au, but I have no motivation to begin it yet...

Anyway, I'm gonna stop talking about them. Bye bye!

[allo-frouto]

I fell in love once, madly, from head to toe, almost psychotically. She was my everything, I forgot about my social circle, my family, my own other interests and my purpose in life. For me it was all about her, spending my whole day with her, there was nothing but her in the world. And it all was reciprocal, we were partners in crime for a very dangerous addiction. Sadly that led me to change who I essentially was, the person she fell in love with. So, understandably, in time she fell out of it. After 4 blissful years of seeing each other almost every day for almost all day, we broke up, but eventhough I didn't want to, on the other hand I did want it, I wanted her to fulfill her dreams, to go for whatever she wanted to go in life that would look successful in her mind, she realized she didn't want to spend her life with just 1 guy, she wanted to live more, know more people, have more experiences, so I put my chest into her gun's barrel with nothing else but love in my heart. And she shot, and I smiled. It was a breakup in the best terms possible, we kinda remained friends. Though that had to stop once she got someone else. She was worried that I wouldn't be able to cope though, but I told her I was gonna be fine. I didn't know I was going to go into a huge ass depression, dropped out of college when I was about to finish, got obese lol, basically everything fell apart. Then after some years, mid pandemic, she talked to me and we got together for a day, to catch up. She saw how fucked up I was, and as she knew she was the only person I would listen to and blindly accept advice from, she told me to go to therapy, to get a nutritionist and change my diet, to go to the gym, and finish my degree. And I did, still in therapy though. I feel she saved my life, was considering suicide until then. Looking back now, my life is so much better thanks to her. And eventhough she's had a couple boyfriends over the years, after her I never fell in love with anyone, had some escapades here and there, got a couple girls wanting something more serious lol but I'm not fucking having it. It feels like all the times I told her I would love her forever were not exaggerations. I'm not totally against the idea of someone else coming into my life, but honestly, I feel I had all I wanted out of my love life already, there's absolutely nothing new for me to look for in that regard, and I enjoy being single too much. Also next time something romantic happens in my life I'm not gonna let myself forget about everything, which is kinda boring, I want to be deliriously in love or not at all. So it's probably gonna be not at all until I die. Who cares. I had the love of my life and I lost it. She's gone, and I remain. But she's not really really gone, actually, she never left. Most of the things I do nowadays, my new healthy habits and routine, my new look, my new attitude towards life, it's all thanks to her. No, she never left my heart, her body is away but inside me all of it never ended. It only transformed into a different way of loving her, through being better, through doing what she told me to do before we said goodbye. Whenever I'm in the gym I concentrate in my memories with her, in her words of hope, it really gives me a strength I don't have on my own. I can still feel her last hug. And I hope whoever's with her makes her happy and treats her right. She deserves the entire world

We all want to be loved like that at some point. I feel thankful towards her as well, for dragging you out of that personal hell you fell into and she gave you the motivation to keep going. I am thankful you are still here and I wholeheartedly wish you all the best and a happiness in the form you want it, whichever that is. <3

[verbo-s-e]

june 5, 2023 9:38 pm (pst)

i had so much more i wanted to add, but now i don’t know what to say or do. i’m second guessing. everything. if i were to zoom out as a third party spectator, i’d see a girl — mentally ill and too much love to give because she’s never had it herself. that makes me sad. embarrassed. sad again.

i’m afraid to fall asleep. i don’t say this to be dramatic. simply just a truth. because in sleep, i go far beyond any earthly or human realm/plane. there, we exist as two people who don’t have the weight of the world on our shoulders. we’re just us and not a square peg, round hole. we actually fit. we just exist peacefully within each others company. no labels of anything. just ourselves. it’s a recognition, a knowing i’ve felt since the moment we met.

i’ve always been sensitive to everything. a symptom/side effect of the life i was born into. but i’ve also, more importantly, been sensitive to the elusive. the strange forces that bind us as a human race. energy. vibes. whatever you wanna call it. i remember being so small and feeling things i had no business feeling. knowing things i had no business knowing, but did anyway. it’s a muscle i’ve grown my entire life and i trust it explicitly.

or, at least i used to. these days? i don’t know. it’s been a long time since i have. when everything fell apart the first time, i felt like i didn’t just lose you, but my intuition. my religion.

when our worlds collided, i felt and knew things i shouldn’t have known. trusted the universe with every molecule and atom in my body. can’t say it’s been exactly great, but even in the ‘losses’ i’ve gained profound abundance. those moments when we’re synced together hold so much magic for me. i know you know what i mean. for so long i begged you to see me. just once. to really see me. i feel like i should be used to not getting what i want but it doesn’t get easier. i think you did/have/do. but it scares you because maybe you see what i see too. i don’t say that out of projection, yet a deep deep knowing. i use that word a lot, knowing. but it’s true. my truth.

so sleeping: my favorite activity. used to be anyway. now, i dread it. i dread the dreams. the roller coaster rides i go on. i wake up more exhausted than when i went to sleep. this is the worst part of all of this. that in these moments, i want to say fuck it. i don’t need to break things off. if i can just get some sleep, and keep you close, i’ll make it work. i can make it work.

this is what we call the ‘bartering’ stage of grief, ladies and gentlemen.

i can’t make it work anymore. i’m so tired that my bones hurt. it’s dysfunctional.

during this last semester we explored a lot in abnormal psych. to the point where i got so wound up and triggered i almost dropped out again. it was a painful reminder of my own illnesses and hyperfixations and quirks and traumas and everything else. bpd? check. love addiction? check. depression? check. anxiety? check. ptsd? check. autism? check. check check check check check.

i really had to look at myself in the mirror and ask, ‘is my love - my experience- with and for this person, just a symptom of my fucking mental illness?’ let me tell you: that’s not a fun fucking feeling to sit in. and oh my god did i sit in it. so much mental laundry to sort that i’m STILL sorting. i’m still bartering. i’m still trying to fit a square peg in a round fucking hole. how do you separate the clinical and logical from the cosmic and spiritual? pro tip: you can’t.

and honestly, i’m too broken to try anymore. for any of it. i don’t want to hurt you. it hurts me knowing this might/will.

so which is it? am i right and an almighty powerful bad bitch who is psychic and connected to it all? or….. am i a severely mentally ill child trapped inside a 30 year old woman who suffers from grandiose delusions inside her fucked up head? my glib answer: both. i shrug tiredly. self awareness is a bitch and a half.

what we ‘are’ to each other will forever be unexplainable. maybe you agree, maybe you don’t. for me, this entire time has been me chasing that feeling — that fantasy — of what i felt/knew right at the start. that one day we could exist as just two people who just see lmk and know each other. without ever even speaking a word. am i giving this too much weight?

you’re overthinking again.

don’t worry, i can hear you say it too. to that i say you’re both right and wrong.

[maxjustmaxnotmadmax]

Another rough recording of a song I wrote. I wrote this about 6 months ago shortly after a particularly painful break up.  I hope this speaks to someone.

Lyrics:

Asked a rock to be a tree

oh how foolish I can be

expecting growth from something that just holds me down.

And you say you’ve had a few

okay, maybe a case or two

but hey, fuck me.

This is what you want to do.

When you’ve had too much to drink

just don’t grab your keys

cause no one’s going to hide them from you now.

I hope you 

learn to swim before you drown.

Throwing rigs into your arms,

never had to look that hard.

I guess it’s easy

when your habit’s always been your home.

All your friends they should know better

but they’re here for fairer weather

and besides, 

they’re just as fucked up as you are.

On those party nights you like

please lay on your side 

cause no one’s going to roll you over now.

I hope you 

learn to swim before you drown

Now it’s all come to an end

and we can’t go back again.

I’ll always miss you,

at least who I thought that you were. 

And I’ll always wonder whether

you ever got yourself together

but shit,

it’s such a tough lesson to learn.

Sorry that I couldn’t stay,

but I can’t stay too dazed 

cause no one’s going to watch for me right now.

I had to

learn to swim,

and choose to swim,

learn to swim before I drowned.