#I had pretty much the same experience and learned hebrew instead

[mordigen]

Unpopular opinion: Christians are not witches

I said it. Fight me.

There has been a trend that has been growing ever more problematic recently: overbearing, hyper-zealous, hyper-vigilant "acceptance" This means the pagan community is an absolute free-for all, and you are not allowed to so much as even feign the possibility that you do not agree with absolutely 100% of everything, lest you be named a gatekeeping, ignorant bigot.

Whether you like it or not - there ARE paths out there that have specific rules...regulations...stipulations...tenets - whatever the hell you want to call or classify them. End. Period. There's no other colour that comes in - that's it. Sorry for you, but they DO exist. In fact, there are many of them.

If you do not follow those rules, tenets, etc..., then you are not of that path. Point. Blank. And there is nothing wrong with that - it simply means that you are of some other path. That's it! That's all that means! It may be *nearly* identical to the path in question - but it is not, hence the 'nearly'.

If you happen to be a part of one of these paths, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying so. If someone claims to be a part of one of these paths, but are absolutely, blatantly not - there is nothing wrong with saying that, and explaining why that is. Some people just honestly don't know there is a difference, or that these certain prerequisites are indeed a definitive factor - so they learn something, they broaden their horizons. Everyone seems to be all about educating themselves about being sensitive to other cultures and customs - except the pagan community, apparently, because this mentality does not translate across that pagan/witch line. Instead of taking it as a learning experience, you are immediately pounced on with notions of 'there are no rules!' 'you can't tell someone what to do on their own path!' Or, simply, the name calling. Well yes, while all of that is true - it still remains that how ever you want to practice or whatever you personally decide to do, may just simply not be what you are claiming, or calling it. It may just be semantics - but semantics matter when dealing with nuance. And paganism is extremely nuanced.

You can call a tomato an orange all you want to - but that thing will never be an orange, no matter how much you believe in it. And people are not wrong for informing you that you may have the wrong name, that is in fact, a tomato. If you go on deciding to call it an orange, you can do that - but that is willful ignorance. So, in your fight to be unapologetically accepting of every ridiculous notion, you are perpetuating willful ignorance - whilst being directly in opposition of your goal and being, *GASP*, unaccepting to those who follow a path where distinction and definition matters. You are completely invalidating those people's paths and beliefs while trying to defend another's (another who may, in fact, actually be wrong) and actively using their path & beliefs as the very reason to berate and ostracize them. Pretty fantastically hypocritical of you. Now...on to the second problem. I do not, at all, in any form, believe in "ritual magick" - as perpetuated by Aleister Crowley hardons. And no, that is not a knock on Crowley, just the idiot followers that don't understand half of what he taught and latch onto the superficial.

When you look at the origins and make up of magical beliefs, and magic itself as a separate entity - no matter which particular branch - they were all created by religion. They all have roots in highly spiritual cultures and customs. So, I absolutely do not believe for one second that you can believe in magic without SOME form of religion - whatever one you adhere to is your choice, but you cannot have the first without the latter. You cannot. Even if you claim that you have no religion, or spiritual faith, your practices absolutely do. You are calling on elements and agencies that absolutely have divine ties and connections one way or another. Oh, how many atheists I see calling on the seals of Arch Angels.... are you fucking shittin me? Really?? So let's bring it all together now - with the fact that many faiths DO have prerequisites, AND the fact that magic is religious/spiritual -- Christians are not, and cannot be witches or pagans. They are mutually exclusive. Not only because so many various paths have such prerequisites, and very define religious/spiritual beliefs that are contradictory to others - but simply because Christianity DOES, very much, have very clear and stringently defined Do's & Don'ts, and obviously the religious aspect itself clashes with the religious beliefs of others. Their religious beliefs clash with people who believe in their same god - so how could they not with those who believe in other gods?? Considering this, no other path would even need such stipulations themselves for them to be mutually exclusive, as Christianity already covers that issue so completely, but the fact that so many pagan paths do only exacerbates an already existing problem. That being said - that does not mean you cannot believe in the Christian 'god', by whatever name you know him by - or that you cannot believe in Jesus, and also be a witch or pagan. In fact the latter has an even bigger argument for believing in both, as paganism, generically, in itself is polytheistic, so it is very fitting to simply have the Christian god and Jesus amongst the many deities being worshipped. But those two things alone is not what makes Christianity. A good start, yes, but that is not all it takes - in fact, there are many that are shunned, excommunicated, banned, condemned and moreso whilst having those very two qualifying factors. You can find this in *every single* sect of Christianity, so...the proof is in the pudding, as they say, that it is much more than simply believing in 'God' and Jesus that makes a 'Christian'. And if you take that to heart and follow all those rules - you cannot be a witch or pagan, many times over, as you would be in direct opposition, or violation, of a number of their teachings - both on the aspect of simple 'rules', but also on a much deeper spiritual level of the entire foundation of their faith. Cannot serve two masters, and all that... If you do not follow those rules, then sure, you could be a witch or a pagan - but then you cannot be a Christian. That is just the facts.

Many people like to argue the use of magic and mysticism in the bible - but the issue is what parts of the bible they are found, and all the amendments of the further books. Again, what really carves out being a Christian vs. any of the other sects of Abrahamic beliefs. As, news flash - there is far more than just Christianity. And some of them, do, in fact, do hand in hand with magic. The Kabbalah is an astounding example of that - and, in fact, where a lot of the so called *ahem* 'non'-religious 'ritual magick' comes from. In this same vein, I would like to note that I have never had any issue or seen conflict with the Hebrew or Jewish take on shamans, mystics and witches, as they really do go hand in hand - They have their own very in depth, detailed, spiritual and sentimental form of mysticism that was a natural progression from pre-Abrahamic religions and culture, and grew into their teachings and belief system, so it does not go against their core beliefs the same way it very stringently does in Christian theology. Considering their ethnical histories and cultural heritage - this is a brilliant example of the natural evolution and progression of faiths - not simply ripped from the hands of the brutally oppressed and rewritten as a mockery to wipe out the preexisting notion of faiths -- as the Church has a history of doing. The Book of Enoch is another shining example of Biblical magic, or Angelic magic. But, this also also turns my point into a self fulfilling prophecy, as in the fact that it is accepted amongst all denominations as heresy, and it is taught that these magics - though they do, in fact, exist, were for the angels and completely forbidden from mankind. So, thusly, if you are a follower of Enoch, you are not a 'Christian', by name and membership, as you are outright going against it's teachings. You are a heretic, a blasphemer. Perhaps you may be one of the many other forms of the Christian god's followers - but not a Christian, as being Christian denotes a very specific set of beliefs and tenets - end of story. Magic, and paganism, is in direct conflict with those teachings, and therefore, cannot coexist.

On top of the logic - there is also the emotional issue. Christianity has a long history of abuse towards various pagan, tribal and indigenous faiths, while stealing our beliefs as their own, and demonizing those they couldn't successfully acclimate into theirs. To now be expected to be OK with this faith, yet again, latching on to *our* sacred rites and practices as being a part of their own is a hard pill to swallow at best, a slap in the face to most, and flat out perpetuating trauma at worst. Once upon a time, people sought out these very same communities and groups within their pagan circles as an escape, a safe space, and a shield and guardian against the Christian onslaught, torment, oppression, or just exhaustion - and now, we must not only tolerate them invading our private spaces, but must now welcome them with open arms and expected to be happy about it? Forgive me if I don't sympathize....

If we are going to now be forced into being shoulder to shoulder with them, the very least you can offer us is neutrality. You can be accepting of all and still be neutral grounds - not taking any one side anywhere, all you have to do is be respectful to each other. Disagreement is not disrespectful. Could someone who disagrees with a certain viewpoint *become* disrespectful? Sure, of course they could. But simply the act of disagreement is nothing hateful or hurtful in any way shape or form - in fact, good discourse is how progress is made. So we need to remain neutral grounds and normalize the acceptance of different viewpoints - we need to recognize and accept that, yes, there are paths out there that do have specific requirements, expectations and limits - there are paths that are going to disagree, or just flat out not believe in something. Instead of name calling, when someone of those paths decides to speak up and enlighten and elaborate on information that may be inaccurately described or depicted, you need to LISTEN and learn, and not just bludgeon them with presumptive judgement. You also need to accept that there are many, various different closed practices out there - beyond Native American & Voodoo practices (as those seem to be the only ones the pagan community recognizes) and if someone of those closed faiths tell you - no, you are not xy or z, that is also not being judgmental or hateful or hurtful - that simply is. ....a very important side note here is that acknowledging closed practices is also not a carte blanche for screaming about cultural appropriation. Please shut the fuck up about cultural appropriation. Not being of a specific faith is not equivalent to cultural appropriation - Telling someone "no, you're not xyz" is very different from telling someone "no, you can't practice xyz" (looking at you smudge-Nazis) You can enjoy, practice, learn or celebrate anything you want of any faith you want while not actually being apart of it - that's the beauty of sharing and learning. And I think that is where all the trouble boils down from:

Yes, you can do whatever you want and can create whatever path you want for yourself...just don't misrepresent it, don't call it something it is not, and don't deny those who are more educated & experienced in that particular department. We get enough of that from outsiders to start doing it to each other.

[teejaysnow]

Okay, so... here’s the Nitimen interview. (Fun fact - not a swearword in this one.)

Happy reading.

Nitimen 201120

Interviewer 1: But now, we’re getting an outstanding visitor. It feels like I have to change to, it’s like how you spoke in theatres in the olden days: but now, Tarjei Sandvik Moe, welcome to Nitimen.

Tarjei: Thank you very much.

Interviewer 2: And to me he’s just a young boy. But to you, he’s a grown man, is he?

I1: Yeah, but still younger than me. Now you’re, what is it, twenty one?

T: Twenty one, yes.

I2: A young boy either way. Twenty one years, that’s when I started at NRK. But… you’ve premiered, have you premiered “Gledelig jul”?

T: Yeah, it’s had its premiere, it’s just that…

I1: There are some cinemas still open, right?

T: Yeah, outside of Oslo. Mm. So it’s still shown at some places. But the same day as the movie premiere, it was announced that the cinemas were to close, so… it was really good timing...

I2: And a Christmas movie that was supposed to be watched by a lot of people before Christmas because there are Christmas feelings from here all the way into its snowy frames.

T: Absolutely. It’s a Christmassy, Christmassy Christmas movie.

I1: And it is a bit of an all star cast too in the movie. What was your experience of being part of that cast and making “Gledelig jul”?

T: It was just like all those faces I’ve grown up with on TV and film and theatre and things like that, and then suddenly they are just there and I’m supposed to play a member of their family, it was just really special, and especially Anne Marit Jacobsen, who I’ve seen in, like, “Vildanden”, where she’s really young, and then suddenly she’s my grandmother? That’s… it was a bit of an absurd experience, and I felt a little bit starstruck all the time, yeah. Like, how many questions can you ask? But it was fun, yeah.

I2: When did you record this film?

T: It is… it was 2019, february and march 2019, so it’s pretty long ago. Mm. 

I2: I’m of course wondering what it was like to act with Anne Marit, who is your grandmother, because you’re pretty intimate in the way that she’s trying to comfort you when you’re… and you’re very cute and embarrassed and… you don’t look like that now, but you were, how was it to step into that part of yourself? 

T: Ehm, I don’t… I mean, I work a lot with the physical aspects like costumes and things like that as an actor. I feel almost, like, old-fashioned as I don’t just use my own feelings, instead I work a lot with finding the right tone of voice and how I’m to act out the embarrassment by working with my body, like if the chest is going inwards or if the chest is going outwards, and how to fiddle with my hands, and what kind of gestures there are, so I work a lot with finding a starting point for the body language, before… and then you can just let the spontaneity occur when you have that starting point. So I find things… things like that are fun.

I1: And the part that you play in “Gledelig jul” is Petter, who spend a lot of Christmas on his phone because he’s very in love and he’s trying to learn hebrew 

T: He’s trying to learn hebrew because the girl he’s in love with has, like, hebrew parents, or she has hebrew heritage and speaks hebrew, so he’s learning, just to be able to say sweet things to her in hebrew, but it’s… it seems like there’s no time for practice, considering he needs other family members to be brave enough to dare showing someone the finger.

I1: But it seems like this role as Petter in “Gledelig jul” is a very different role than the one you’ve used all of this year to prepare, “20 November”, the play that has had its premiere postponed twice.

T: We were supposed to premiere it in April and then we were supposed to premiere it at, uh, 20 November, so today is when we should have premiered it. But that didn’t happen. So, it’s been postponed twice, and we started rehearsals in february so it’s closing in on a year now, so… it’s weird.

I1: And you play Sebastian, who… this performance is based on a school shooting in Emsdetten.

T: Yeah.

I1: Can you take us through what it’s been like to get into the role of Sebastian? Which is a pretty intense role, I guess?

T: He was an actual person. This is the first time I play a real person, Sebastian Bosse, that is, who committed a school shooting, he shot something like eleven people. Everyone of them survived, he committed suicide, so he is the only fatality of that event. It hurts to learn to understand a person who was never fully understood and who was never fully seen and you can say that he carries all responsibility, but you also start to reflect on whether society has a responsibility to catch these people and if the education system has a responsibility to make sure that people don’t fall so far that they get into such extreme ideologies. And that they get the idea of performing such extreme actions to give their life some kind of meaning in a way. It’s… he… in a way he does it to, I don’t know, like, concretize things? And he finds some kind of value in life when he sees his life as meaningless, and it’s incredibly sad to see that no one has seen him.

I2: Have you immersed yourself so far into him that that’s why you’ve cut your hair and are looking more like me when it comes to your hairdo?

T: I have twice this year cut my hair off for the premiere of the play, but to no avail. But we’re on the same team then. It’s nice, I’ve noticed that there’s this team spirit when you walk down the street, it’s maybe not a Masonic lodge team but there is a team for us closely cropped people, and it’s great.

I1: But with these kind of postponements, do you get impatient or are you fine with it, just calmly and quietly waiting, going, “okay, we’ll see next time, whenever that’ll be”

T: I’m an impatient person to begin with, but… you have to learn to just laugh at it. When life gives you those kinds of… bananas you slip on, then you just have to laugh at it. It is a bit funny too, though. That you’re unable to premiere a play for a year because theatre gets illegal, that’s… if someone had told me that like as a movie plot a year ago, I wouldn’t have believed in it, “What do you mean, theatre, illegal? And you choose between art and health, what’s this, what kind of sick plot is this, I don’t believe in it.”

I2: Do you still carry the text inside of you, it’s just you on stage.

T: Yeah, yeah, I do have rehearsals, I have a rehearsal later today, and… I do know the text pretty much inside out, but… it is a really painful text to not get out of the system.

I1: I understand, because it has to be, like, you really want to… we’ll keep our fingers crossed for it to open up, it’s in a cellar with room for twenty four people to keep with the corona restrictions, right?

T: Yeah, originally ninety three, but after corona it’s twenty four, so if it opens up for an audience of twenty people, then we’re up and running.

I1: You stay seated while we listen to SKAAR, Turn of the Tide.

*****

I1: Turn of the Tide.

I2: That’s the same thing as you said last time.

I1: Yes it was.

I2: You’re good at that.

I1: Then people know what they’ve listened to, right? And I thought I’d say something nice since we’re visited by you, Tarjei Sandvik Moe, because, the cinemas here in Oslo and Bergen and other places have been closed, but then I just got a mail that said that drive in cinemas has begun to pop up, that you can watch movies from your car. So for example up at Tryvann, you can actually watch “Gledelig jul” now, before Christmas. 

T: Wow. Drive in cinema. 

I1: Yeah, so it’s a bit…

T: The american experience. 

I1: It’s back to the futu… no, past.

I2: Is it not “kjøre in kino”, is it “drive in” in norwegian?

I1: Well, it says so, but maybe you have a better norwegian word? But then, that’s been mentioned. Um… what do you do during the day, apart from still having rehearsals for 20 November, how do you use your time? 

T: No, I don’t meet a lot of people so I sit at home and immerse myself in various music and poetry and things like that. I read in a newspaper that Neil Young turned seventy five last week, so I started to listen to his “After the Gold Rush” album and I’ve listened to it over and over and over and I think it’s so beautiful, right? And he wrote, like, these songs when he was in his twenties, just like I am, and it’s weird to think about Neil Young, who’s this old man, and he wrote “old man, look at me, I’m a lot like you” or something when he was young and now he’s an old man, and I think a lot about... the circle of life [yeah, so try reading that without singing it in your head…] and things like that and sit and reflect, and, yeah, write poetry and things like that.

I2: You write poetry?

T: Yeah. I began doing that about a week ago. But...

I2: And how is that going?

T: It’s fine. For a beginner. It’s because I watched a movie, I’ve seen it before, called “Hannah And Her Sisters”, and there’s a poem by ee cummings that I thought was great, so then I had to buy a book by him, or a collection of his poems, 

I2: Are you the kind of person who memorises it, too? What you read?

T: No.

I2: Not like you can read it out aloud?

T: Uh… yeah, uh, yeah, I could read it out, I think that it’s… but the problem with him, ee cummings, he occasionally writes so abstract and has the words placed in such weird places on the page that you wouldn’t understand it if it was read out loud, because the words are just, like, sprinkled across the pages and there are a lot of parentheses and things like that, so they need to be read to be understood. But there is a lot that I don’t understand too.

I2: You have to say it to understand it?

T: Yeah, if… mm.

I1: But a little bird has told us that you’ve also become engrossed in arctic explorers, why is that?

T: No, but… I’ve been thinking about him, Scott, right? I loved Amundsen and Nansen who won the race, but I’ve been thinking about Scott, who arrived at the south pole and there was already a norwegian flag there.

I2: He who lost?

T: He lost. And on the way home he died. That’s just…

I2: They were top two, though, those who lost.

T: Yeah. I often think that those stories are a bit more fascinating, those who…

I2: Those who lost?

T. Those who weren’t first, I don’t know, like. Heroes are cool, but… it’s really interesting with those in second place, though. There’s a really good book called “Buzz Aldrin, hvor ble det av deg i alt mylderet”, the second man on the moon, like. That the main character of Johan Harstad [the author] relates to a lot. There is something very interesting about these runners up.

I1: Yeah, because there are more of those who didn’t become heroes.

I2: I was watching a football match, and I started to cheer for the team that was losing.

I1: Yeah, because you began to sympathise with that team.

T: I root for Skeid, and they are in the second division, and… it’s hard sometimes. It’s really hard. But I have to persevere. And Man U too. Very hard for them. But…

I2: But what is it about Scott that interests you? Have you gone into it like…

T: I’ve been thinking about it a bit more poetic in a way, I’ve tried to put things into context. I heard an interview with Ole Paus where he talks about his dad, like there are things he’d want to ask his dad, and then the interviewer asks what he would have asked if he could ask just one question, and he just answered “I would have asked for the way home”. And that’s like, oh my god, we’re all people on voyages of discovery and the only thing we’re looking for is the way home. And we have google maps but we don’t know what to write into them because we don’t know our home address, right? And there is… there is something extra sad that Scott got to the south pole but he didn’t get to come back home.

I2: Yeah, there is something extra sad about that. It is a young man who’s passed his twentieth birthday and has begun to think about life that you’re describing now, I think.

I1: Very impressive, some real philosophy going on.

T: A bit too much. But I have to at least try and think a bit.

I1: We have prepared a Neil Young song from the album you mentioned, is there something in particular with “Tell Me Why” that hits home with you or makes you like it?

T: Especially the lyrics part in verse two that… that goes like, “I am lonely but you can free me all in the way that you smile”. It’s really simple, but it hits me. And it’s a very nice tune too.

*****

I2: Neil Young, “Tell Me Why”. That you have a strong connection to, suddenly. And that I heard when the album was released.

T: Yeah.

I2: It’s pretty nice that things don't die off the minute they are made. But just like you’re burned into my mind as the guy in Skam, I was thinking…

I1: Isak, yeah.

I2: Yeah. I was thinking it’s a bit weird for you that that’s what you are. And think about all the people around the world who dream about having it like he did in that show.

T: Yeah, it is… I still get messages from different places and particularly from countries where it isn’t as okay to be gay, that… they wish that they lived in that kind of society where you can just… come out of the closet and just tell a friend that “I like boys” and the conversation just continues like it was nothing. But it isn’t like that everywhere.

I2: No. But it was a really good series, you won’t have to be reminded of it in this way, but… it was my attempt at paying you a compliment…

T: Thank you very much, to get complimented by Trond-Viggo himself, that’s… that’s… I’ll take that with me. During summer I sat with this song book and began to learn the chords to some of your songs.

I2: Noooooo. I wasn’t trying to...

T: Yeah, but it’s so… so amazing to hear those kinds of words from you.

I2: Whatever. [laughs]

[they all talk over each other here, so… your guess is as good as mine *shrug*]

T: Me neither.

I2: It fell so flat. But… now it’s time for some voting cards that are a kind of association game. And you were really positive when I said that you were going to get a card and then you just had to read and then… Because you take a card…

T: Okay.

I2: From the deck, like that. And I put it there, under the plexiglass, because we’re here in infection land, and you take a card and read it out and then begin to think from there. It’s a way of interviewing that is heaven-sent. 

T: Okay? So, I take a card and then…

I2: And then you read it out and then…

I1: And then you have to think out loud.

T: “I wish I knew how to do this”. Fly-fishing.

I1: Oh, that was fast.

I2: What is it with fly-fishing that fascinates you?

T: Really, it’s those skilled fishermen. Fly-fishers. And it’s… I’ve grown up with Lars Lenth’s and Bård Tufte Johansen’s shows and they’re both really funny and get a lot of big trouts and things like that. I fish myself, sometimes, just with throwing rods and such, and you can get good results, but… it looks impressive, so I just have to take lessons. But to find time for that isn’t easy. 

I2: Do you release the fish afterwards too? Because that’s the fly-fishing way, isn’t it?

T: No, I don’t. 

I2: You eat it?

T: I’ll get it out and, like, fry it. So I’ll continue doing that while fly-fishing, I think? Unless there ‘s some kind of unspoken rule that you…

I2: You’re just supposed to cuddle with it, and…

T: Yeah, but it is… I remember, that was the weirdest thing when I watched that show, [makes kissing sounds] and they kiss the fish and then they throw it back, and… hæ? What’s the point then?

I2: It was food!

T: Yeah, it was… it was food. So what is it Lars Lenth eats if he doesn’t eat the fish? Yeah.

I1: I imagine you in waders... [vadebukser in norwegian, which is close enough to badebukser - swimming trunks - for…] 

I2: Swimming trunks?? [yeah, that was my first thought too - but on the other hand I’m sure some of you are picturing him in swimming trunks now, huh…?]

I1: Waders. Aren’t those the kinds of high… that you wear when you stand in the middle of a river.

I2: Yeah, all correct, Mari.

I1: You can draw another card, Tarjei.

T: Yes. “This food am I bad at making”. I am… not an expert at indian food, I have to admit. Because… there seem to be so many spices and so much to learn. So I… hit it off a bit better by just beginning with frying onions and garlic and then just throw stuff into that. But you can do that with indian cooking too, I think. Almost wherever you are in the world, you start with a bit of gar...lic and onion, so I… so I just have to throw myself into the indian world because I really love indian food. But I usually end up ordering, though. Lamb korma. Straight to the door. But maybe I should try to cook lamb korma myself? 

I2: But are you a man who cooks?

T: I love to cook, yeah. But… not when I’m on my own. Then I can’t be bothered. But I live with my girlfriend and we do a lot of cooking together. 

I2: Is it her or you who do most of the cooking?

T: We do it together. Almost always. It’s very rare that I cook for her or she cooks for me, we almost always cook together. It’s a bit faster and a bit more effective with the tidying.

I1: That’s so nice.

I2: But are you the one who cuts or the one who fries or the one who preps the ingredients…

T: I… fry. But I can also cut a bit. But she usually takes care of the things that take place in the oven and I take care of the frying pan. Mm.

I2: Interesting assessment of a couple. What’s your favourite dish to cook?

T: I like to cook pasta dishes. 

I2: Italian, right? Italian but longing for India.

T: Yeah. Longing for India. Mm.

I2: It was lovely to have you here…

T: Very nice.

I2: And I hope you got enough compliments to get a premiere for the new play that we will come and watch.

T: Yeah? Come and watch, that would make me very happy.

I2: Yeah, twenty six people that will come to watch you when you start.

T. Yeah…

I2: Yeah, we will, Mari, we’re going there together, Mari.

I1: Yeah, we’ll do that, as soon as it opens so we can go, then we will come, Tarjei Sandvik Moe. Thank you very much for coming to Nitimen.

T: Thank you very much.

I1: You can go home to your desk and write some poetry.

T: And now, here’s A-Ha, Summer moved on.

I1: Now it’s time for A-ha.

T: The world’s longest note in that song.

I1: Is that true?

T: One of them, at least.

[realbeeing]

ancestral trauma & healing

I’ve recently come to understand what it means to honor my ancestors. I had heard mystics and shamans talk about how we can either relate to our ancestors in an unhealthy way— by holding onto their pain and perpetuating it unconsciously— or in a healthy way, by doing our best to work through the dysfunctions they passed on to us, starting to identify the pain as not solely our own but part of a chain of experience from which now another decision can be made. Breaking the cycle, in other words. 

Lately I started to feel a lot about my Jewish heritage, especially because I got a DNA test where it was confirmed I am pretty much of three-quarters Ashkenazi Jewish descent. I already knew my father’s family and maternal grandmother’s family came from that tribe so it was not a huge surprise, but with the company I bought the test from, they reveal not just that you are of Ashkenazi descent but what that particular descent really means: usually being one-half to two-thirds Arab genetics with the other part Southern European genetics, often Italian. In my case, I learned I had about a third Arab and Near-East origins and another third Italian. (My levels were lower because I have one non-Jewish, Irish grandparent).

Going through my results brought to light a new realization for me about the story of my ancestors. The Jewish people had moved around a lot: from the Middle East, to the Roman Empire, to the German kingdom and then further into Eastern Europe. And then many of them left Europe entirely to come to the United States or to Israel, havens for the Jewish population. For some reason I had never really thought about what it took for my ancestors— really just my great grandparents — to come all the way to America  It was not like they just decided one day to to travel to a new continent for a vacation. Nowadays it’s hard to understand the scope of such travel before the time of cheap and abundant flights and a more globalized culture. I can’t imagine what it was like to uproot yourself from your homeland and go to a place where your familiar language wasn’t spoken, where the culture was totally different. No, they must have come here out of necessity. My family has kept scant records though so I can only speculate. 

I have read a lot about anti-semitism recently and the pogroms that occurred in Eastern Europe, where my ancestors were living. The Jews were always on the run, a persecuted people, for whatever reason that is still mysterious to me. Were we victims? Were we perpetuating this cycle ourselves from a victim complex? I wasn’t there to know. 

Jews have learned to make a home in many places. I feel that in myself in my need to travel and the desire I’ve had since being a child of running away, being a nomad, going to an unknown land. Yet what is my enjoyment was their serious task. In my youthful seeking phase I contacted a bunch of different eclectic religious paths, settling into the Hare Krishna way for a couple of years in Peru as well as going into strange rabbit holes about all sorts of new age topics such as aliens and lost civilizations. In this period, I hardly thought about Judaism at all, nor my ancestors. I was convinced the body is just a phantasm, that we are soul first and thus that my true ancestry was first cosmic and that any earthly ties were not a subject for any earnest consideration. Growing up on North American native land, spending time on Andean land, going deep into Vedic religion— I was a mix of many influences and those related to blood seemed like the least relevant. 

In my Krishna commune, we called our group “family” and I think genuinely felt that way about each other. It was not genetics that connected us but a spiritual purpose and a belief we were all headed to the same lofty quarters of heaven. I remember learning one Hebrew song after hearing tons of Vedic chants and seeing a Star of David in my mind’s eye during a sweat lodge, but other than that my ethnic-spiritual past seemed far away.  

Meanwhile it wasn’t until a couple of years after leaving that group when I began to do a lot of deeper healing than that which had been supposedly dealt with in my religion, when I thought all my burdens had been lit on fire by god. In a way it was true: I received a spiritual communion which rooted itself so deeply in my consciousness that I can never go back to who I was before that experience. But still there was quite a deep wound to address, namely a traumatic childhood based on being abused by a parent. A parent who was abused by their own parent. And so on: a chain not of spiritual transmission but of shit. They were not the ancestors how I would have liked to imagine them: old sages or native chiefs whispering wise words in my ear. I did not want to admit the reality of the situation for a long time because of my chronic conditioning to downplay serious events in my life, brushing them aside because I never thought they were important enough—  which was an idea I had been brandished with by my abuser. Also it went against the image I had of myself as this spiritually liberated person. It wasn’t necessarily that this image was a complete illusion, which is a tempting conclusion to make when we receive a humbling from life. It would be easier to dismiss the entire past— but nothing can be so black and white. My ancestors are not all good or all evil. My initial spiritual experimentation did yield some truly healing moments. That was real for the time being. I could find meaning as a “galactic” citizen. But then eventually I did have to come down to earth. Another layer of the spiral had to unfold. A death had to take place. 

At first I resisted it and I saw my life stagnate a lot. Besides the fact that I was forcibly stranded in a rural country not my own due to the worldwide pandemic, I was stuck creatively, mentally and socially. I was isolating myself both physically and in way of ideas. I slowly started to become more interested in conspiracy theories, especially since world events have gotten so crazy which has sparked a whole tidal wave of increased paranoid thinking among everyone. Forget my ancestors being persecuted-- I was being persecuted just for being alive! The essential message of love—which was the lesson of all my valuable spiritual trips— was sometimes forgotten and the adrenaline rush of fear or excitement at some impending catastrophic event became almost a hobby and stood in for giving my time and energy to more creative and nourishing endeavors. It took a location move and I think my Saturn return to really kickstart a new cycle for myself, one where I do want to look at the pain I have been carrying and see how this pain is both mine and is not. The suffering in my genetic line is both something I can transcend out of and something I am inexplicably bound to and responsible for addressing. 

In the recognition of pain comes the power needed to finally confront it head on. I thought I had already sufficiently looked into my past and done the emotional purging work— but it was a whole new step for me to acknowledge the abuse as well as to acknowledge that I had some degree of trauma from what I went through. What followed from taking this step was not only more self-love and psychological balance but also a razing of my mental inventory: I was not exactly who I thought I was. This clearing made space for new inspiration and motivation, for the courage to create beauty where I could. To make jewelry, paint, dance, run, sing. Things I had forgotten and filled instead with trivial information. That was okay then, and I am okay now too. It is not some before/after scenario: that paradigm of healing is over. Like I said, healing is a spiral which unfurls at its own pace. I am exactly where I need to be. And from this vantage point, I can better hear what my ancestors are speaking to me, and I listen— while also telling them, I’m going to do things a bit differently now. We are going to do things different. 

[lutrain2020]

Meet the Creator!

Introducing: Seeking7 or Seeking!

Commission:  I don't offer writing commissions at the moment, mostly because I'm not sure how to conduct or present myself in the market. If anyone would like to request a certain fic or short story from me, however, I'd be glad to work out details with them. :)

Social Media: A03: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seeking7 FFnet: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/13334645/

Tell us a little bit about you!

Hiya! I'm Seeking7, or Seeking. I was born in Alabama and raised in California to a pair of the most hardworking Egyptian immigrants you've ever met, and the mixture of Arabic and American influence over the course of my life has had a profound influence on the way I look at the world. My favorite subjects are biology and english, and I aspire to become either an EMT or military medic after I graduate. In regards to hobbies (aside from playing copious amounts of Zelda), I love studying American and Ancient Israelite history, and I hope to one day learn ancient Hebrew and Greek so I can read the original biblical manuscripts for myself!

Is there someone who inspires you and your writing?

While my own brain can usually come up with a certain scene or idea that would inspire me to put paper to pen, it's the people I have around me that encourage me to keep writing. The people on FFN and AO3 who comment and leave kudos on my work mean the world to me (shout out to JoSeBach on FFN and MyWritingisMeh on Ao3 for leaving comments/reviews on each chapter of my fic "Mephibosheth"). The LU fans who come to my livewrites on the discord are so ridiculously encouraging and always let me know that my writing can actually be interesting to some people -- a fact that never ceases to astound me. But most credit goes to my younger sister. Even when I don't show her a work because it might be a little bit extreme or intense for her age, she always lets me know that she's sure it's good regardless. Her unconditional, unreasonable support inspires me to be that kind of person to other fic writers!

What got you into writing?

Three books in particular encouraged me to take writing seriously. "Crime and Punishment" was the first in this process, showcasing just how intense, beautiful, and profound a book with actually very little plot can be. The entire book takes place more or less in the head of a man wracked to pieces by guilt, and Dostoevsky's decision to focus on internal instead of external conflict changed the way I looked at literature. "East of Eden" was next. It wasn't just the book's allegorical nature or the Cain and Abel motif that astounded me - Steinbeck's vivid descriptions of everything from the human mind to sunrise in Salinas has had a profound impact on my own writing. I still reference the first few pages when I write! (actually, if you look at my fic "The Most Sincere Kind of Lie," the opening paragraph is heavily inspired by the first page of East of Eden!) Finally, the biblical Book of Job changed the way I look at dialogue and interactions between flawed characters. The whole book is almost written like an ancient screenplay and deals with heavy questions like the meaning of pain and the meaning of meaninglessness without offering direct answers - which inspired me to try and include those questions in my own writing and handle them in a similar, vague, interperative way.

What's your favorite part of the writing process?

After outlining a fic, I usually start out by writing them like a screenplay with all dialogue tags and action notes written off to the side. When sarcastic banter,  silly, lighthearted interactions, or intense conversations with a deeper meaning behind them start to come together, I can't help but smile. That usually gives the the extra inspirational boost I need to go back and flesh everything out so it becomes a story! (if you struggle with writing dialogue, message me on the discord and I'll be glad to tell you everything I know and send you the multitude of resources I have on the subject)

What's your least favorite part of the writing process?

Vetting works for grammatical mistakes turns writing fics into homework! I can't stand posting something and later reading just to find out that I forgot to capitalize a character's name, or that a comma is missing, or that Ao3 or FFN messed up the page breaks and I have to go back in and fix it. I'm not a perfectionist most of the time, but when I come to writing, I absolutely am.

Whats your favorite type of scene to write?

Intense philosophical debates and serious heart-to-heart conversations are by far my favorite kind of scenes to write, and that's because they're my favorite kind of scenes to observe and read! I always leave them feeling like I've gained something intellectually and emotionally, and it's my constant hope and dream to be able to impart the same kind of introspective thoughtfulness on the reader.  

What's the hardest for you to write?

Allowing or even plotting for a character to go off the deep end is always such a hard thing to write. Not for them to die, necessarily, but for them to completely lose their morals, priorities, and relationships in search for something selfish or temporary. Writing them making the same mistakes over and over not because they're stupid but because they don't care about the consequences is always hard -- it's like killing off a character and replacing them with the darkest, nastiest version of themselves. Basically, writing the opposite of character development is the opposite of fun. :(

What's your favorite genre to write?

Whatever the hybrid child of angst and fluff is called, that's my baby. I find that a combination of the two can make for a really interesting experience and give me more space to explore different faucets of each character's personality. It's also the perfect breeding ground for some intense, sincere conversations.

What fandoms do you enjoy writing for?

I don't write for a lot of fandoms, just Linked Universe, Undertale, and occasionally LoZ stuff not tied directly to our nine precious boys.

What's the work you are most proud of?

I've only gotten into LU very recently, so at the time of writing this I don't have anything from the fandom that's ready to showcase. I do have some cool Undertale stuff though, at least in my opinion! If you're interested in that, there are two fics I've poured (and am currently pouring) my heart and soul into that I'm extremely proud of. The first one is 'The Reason,' which is just a quick oneshot focused on Grillby being an amazing, hardworking dad, (https://archiveofourown.org/works/24354130) and the second is Mephibosheth,' my multi-chapter pre-canon fic about the lives of Asriel and Chara. '(https://archiveofourown.org/works/23804797)

Is there a specific scene you are particularly proud of?

Going again off the works I referenced earlier, a particular scene in the ninth chapter of 'Mephibosheth' had me patting myself on the back. I can't tell you what it is, though, because it's a massive spoiler. ;)

Is there something you had to work through that forced you to grow as a writer?

At the beginning of my junior year of high school I submitted two works into a competition I was confident I would win. No, not just win, I was sure I would get first place nationally. The competition never had many submissions and I knew that the works I submitted were pretty darn good. As you can probably guess, I didn't win anything. No medal or mention, nothing. I was in shock for a good few days and considering giving up writing completely. Then I realized how stupid I was being for assuming I was entitled to an award, for writing something only for recognition, and for thinking that I should give up on something I love so much just because it didn't supply me with the endorphin rush I thought it would. I made it a goal to improve as much as humanly possible afterwards, and I'm happy to say that I think I'm making progress towards that!

Do you have any fics inspired by real life stories?

Every gremlin-like thing the boys do in my WIP LU fic "The Most Sincere Kind of Lie" (by the time this is up, it'll probably be on Ao3) is based off something I've seen my brother and sister do. They're the embodiment of utter chaos and the manifestation of the primal urge to destroy, so they're great inspiration for Link shenanigans. Also, almost all of the banter in 'Mephibosheth' has taken inspiration from one of three places; conversations I've had with my grandparents, conversations I've had with my siblings, or interviews I've watched online. Inspiration for thought-provoking dialogue has to come somewhere that's not my own brain - there aren't enough brain cells to bear the brunt of that creative burden!

Where do you post your finished works?

I post on FFN and Ao3, both under the alias Seeking7. What's that, you say? You want a link to my profile? Well, who am I to refuse?? (AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seeking7) (FFN: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/13334645/)

[very-grownup]

THE YEAR IS 2020 AND I WATCHED NEON GENESIS EVANGELION FOR THE FIRST TIME, PART 9

Episode 21.

Suddenly it's a found footage shakey cam horror movie. I think it's meant to be footage of ... NERV before it was NERV labs in 2000 with some bad shit happening. I'm unclear of so much in this episode, guys.

There is one of those blue screens with the white text that warns you that if you make copies of this you will go to jail for a million years, though, which feels nice and nostalgic before we get into the opening credits. (Opening? Still a bop. Thank you, '90s.)

Episode 21 continues behind the cut.

Someone has been kidnapped from NERV, possibly by or because of Kaji (fuckin' Kaji), and because all these NERV people are interchangeable except for Misato, Ritsuko, and Shinji's horrible father, I have no idea who it is until we see the old dude who is usually behind Ikari. He's tied to a chair in a black void, surrounded by an increasing number of numbered obelisks who I think are the old man Simon council but instead of projecting as old men they're ... obelisks. Look, their government is run by supercomputers named after the Magi. This is as fine as anything.

The obelisks don't like Commander Ikari (same) or what he's doing (same) and want Number 2 to explain what's going on (same) due to the Dead Sea Scrolls and their desire not to create god (... same?). Which means it's time for BACKSTORY or as close as this show gets to backstory.

Number 2 used to be a scientist/academic at ... a school ... lab ... university ... somewhere ... where he met a promising young student of ... science stuff ... named Ikari. There's some sentence vagaries to make the audience think the student is a young Commander Ikari but PSYCH, it's /Yui/, Shinji's mysteriously dead mother. This is not a big surprise, because no one would be anticipating meeting Gendo Ikari. What is a surprise is that Yui Ikari is currently single, although if you've consumed enough Japanese media you've probably encountered cases where a husband takes the wife's surname and is adopted into her family when there's no sons in the family (Summer of the Ubume). ANYWAY Yui is currently single and Number 2 talks to her about her post-graduation career plans, failing to consider that maybe she wants to get married and start a family. Find your own path and all that but also: this is a woman who is going to make terrible life choices.

I don't know why, but as a favour to Yui, Number 2 goes to spring an absolute piece of shit ... fellow student? from the drunk tank after he got arrested for brawling and it is, of course, Gendo Originalsurnamewhocareshesucks. We see him without his glasses for the first time. Even though this is ~15 years ago, Gendo without his glasses is the worst thing ever, rivaling yes the EVA with the giant white human teeth ripping an Angel apart and screaming. I hate looking at him, his cheeks sunken and his eyes huge, very like a skull. The real thesis material in Evangelion is: why has anyone ever slept with this awful gaunt uncharming skull man? He has the visage and personality of someone whose genetic line should die with him.

On a nature walk (because this is before seasons are destroyed by the second impact [and this is a really pretty scene, too, all fall leaves and oranges and red, more vibrant yet gentle than the series often is]) Yui reveals to Number 2 that she and Gendo are in a relationship. Why? Look, that's some Dead Sea Scrolls bullshit, learn ancient Hebrew and get into archeology, unearth some tablets, figure it out for yourselves.

The Second Impact happens and destroys Antarctica and Misato's father and she becomes mute for a while after this and also is kept in a featureless hospital cell for observation with a few age appropriate toys for company and for some reason this doesn't help her mental trauma. No wonder her roommate's a penguin.

The Misato flashback may seem like it comes out of nowhere and if so /hey welcome to my experience of this episode/ where I mostly had my hands on my forehead like I needed to reinforce my brain to process everything.

Number 2 and Shitty Gendo are in Antarctica after the Second Impact with the neon pink ocean and the none ice and oh Gendo and Yui got married. Surprise! Gendo and Yui or Gendo through Yui are involved in something called Seele which is the thing that becomes NERV I think. What's going on /shut up I don't know/ there's some kind of secret science government military organization and it involves the Ikari and then Number 2 and also Ritsuko's mother and underground caverns that may be cities and is this Atlantis? Ancient aliens? Akashic records? I DON'T KNOW Number 2 has concerns and Yui both seems to agree with Number 2's concerns but also is down with whatever Gendo's doing and they have Shinji and he seems like a pretty happy and cute baby and Yui seems to love him even though she brings him to work. And by work I mean the underground lab where they're dissecting or recreating flesh tube skeletons from Adam or building Adam or using Adam to build what will be the Evas, specifically on the day Yui is doing The Experiment. I don't think bringing little Shinji to work is a great idea or a sign of great parenting, especially when The Experiment goes awry and Yui is killed in front of Shinji's toddler eyes.

Ritsuko's mother, Dr. ... Doctor, doesn't approve of kids in the secret mad scientist bunker but MAN does she approve of Yui being killed. Because, somehow, she also wants to fuck Gendo Ikari, a skeleton of emotional abuse and neglect wearing sausage casing as skin.

There's also some stuff here about young Ritsuko (she's not a natural blonde! but honestly the fleeting glimpses of Ritsuko at different ages in this episode show greater awareness of how women can change without just relying on bigger breasts more hair than I'd expect). She and her mother exchange letters where they seem to be more honest with each other than they are in person and I wish there was more time spent dwelling in that, because Evangelion has an imperfect but still insightful view of the complexity of mother-daughter relationships. She goes away to school and meets Misato and they bond and become friends and they each seem to be the other's first friend due to their various issues and weirdness and Ritsuko's clearly at least a little in love with Misato. Unfortunately, Misato is dating Kaji (fuckin' Kaji) and Dr. Doctor thinks Kaji is a pretty great catch, but like ... Dr. Doctor wants to fuck or possibly is fucking Gendo Ikari, so if you can think of a great condemnation of Kaji than this, I'd love to hear it (fuckin' Kaji).

Misato and Ritsuko both join Seele or NERV or whatever the fuck these secret awful organizations are currently calling themselves, with Misato going to Germany and Ritsuko starting to work with her mother and also seeing her mother just jamming her tongue down Gendo's throat. Truly, Ritsuko could never understand her mother as a woman and neither can we, because /why would you desire Gendo Ikari/ and his judgmental touch, icy even through fucking Mickey Mouse gloves.

SO ONE DAY Gendo comes to work with a young Rei and I guess since Yui died no one has seen Shinji since people are looking at Rei and going 'oh is this your son?' and 'I thought you had a son, not a daughter'. But no, Rei is the daughter of a friend Gendo is looking after. Imagine thinking 'Gendo Ikari has even a single friend' is a believable lie.

Since Yui's death, no one has bothered to institute any kind of secret underground lab rules about kids on the premises, because while Dr. Doctor is doing some shit with her O. Henry super computers, little Rei wanders in and proceeds to neg the shit out of this grown woman. They're obviously not the words of a child and it's been clear since the beginning that there's something Not Right about Rei, but when she tells Dr. Doctor that she's a sexually undesirable hag and a nagging shrew and has outlived her purpose they're the words of a man. An adult man, specifically Gendo Ikari, as Rei just straight up tells Dr. Doctor upon being scolded for rudeness. Dr. Doctor's poor judgment of character means she is semi-shocked and hurt by this and sent into a weird fugue state where she chokes Rei until a small arm goes limp. Dr. Doctor thinks about how both she and Rei are both equally replaceable to Gendo, who is still hung up on Yui as much as he seems able to have an emotional attachment to anyone, and so finds all other women to be interchangeable tools.How replaceable Rei is could be a reference to whatever Rei's unnatural origins are, but we've also seen that Gendo considers children to be a renewable and easily disposable resource.

Then Dr. Doctor kills herself (or is murdered, who can say) and gets ... replaced by her daughter in the project.

SO I GUESS THIS IS ALL PART OF NUMBER 2'S TESTIMONY TO THE OBELISKS or maybe not but his thing is done or on break and fuckin' Kaji is there to ... break him out? Even though he's the reason Number 2 was getting interrogated? I don't know, I don't know.

They only use one set of handcuffs for Number 2, but they had three on Shinji in the previous episode.

Misato also had some thing with security intelligence interrogation going on in this episode maybe but they're done and give her back her gun.

Then Kaji's hanging out in a Silent Hill otherworld before a giant fan in weird sickly light and the screen goes black with a gunshot and I don't believe he's dead because I've been fooled about fuckin' Kaji before.

... but then Misato comes home, looking utterly exhausted and devastated, and she sees the message light blinking on her answering machine and she presses play as tears fill her eyes and she collapses to her knees listening to a message from Kaji. He apologizes for causing her trouble yet again, asks her to apologize to Ritsuko as well, asks her to get Shinji to show her where his garden is so she can water the flowers for him, and promises to tell her what he was too scared to tell her years ago. Misato's crying becomes heartwrenching raw sobs (Kotono Mitsuishi does a great job here, breaking my heart) and Shinji, curled up in his room, takes out his headphones and peeks into the kitchen to take in this vision of distraught, helpless adult grief. Then he goes back to his room without alerting Misato to his presence and pulls his pillow over his head, trying to drown out Misato's sobs, because he's just a kid and he knows there's nothing he can do and so he doesn't know what he /should/ do.

Although I've been wanting it for episodes, Kaji's death becomes a bitter pill that I can feel no mean satisfaction from. I'm not sure what's going on, but I know Misato's distraught. This concludes my report on Episode 21 of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

[dailyaudiobible]

11/30/2020 DAB Transcript

Daniel 7:1-28, 1 John 1:1-10, Psalms 119:153-176, Proverbs 28:23-24

Today is the 30th day of November welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian it's great to be here. I'm kinda giggling because I almost said it’s the 30th day of May, for no reason whatsoever. Maybe I’m already longing for springtime to get here. I don't know. Nevertheless, it is the final day of the 11th month of the year which means that tomorrow we will be heading into the home stretch, the final month of the year. So, what a…what a year it is been and there is so much out in front of us yet. So, let's dive in. We’re reading from the Christian standard Bible this week. We are in the book of Daniel in the Old Testament today. And this is gonna happen like I've already mentioned, both old and New Testaments are gonna speed up. We’re gonna be encountering shorter texts and so we’ll be moving through them more quickly. Today when we get to the New Testament, we will…we will be reunited with somebody that we spent a lot of time with, the evangelist John. And we will read first John or will begin to read first John when we get there. But first, Daniel chapter 7.

Introduction to first John:

Okay. As I mentioned just a few minutes ago when we get to the New Testament we’re moving into new territory and finding ourselves reunited with a voice that we got to know earlier in the year, the voice of John. Ironically, first John, like the letter, it…it doesn't make any mention of who it's from and doesn’t really make any mention of who it’s too. And, so, it would be easy enough to just conclude that the letter is anonymous similar to the book of Hebrews, but we would say in our church history that the church fathers in the mid-second century, so we’re talking about the mid-100s about like 50 years roughly after this letter was written, they attributed the letter to John the evangelist. And the authenticity of the letter and even its author didn't…didn’t find controversy or dispute when the New Testament was canonized. It's in more recent times that scholars have been examining the text and just wondering of the stylistic differences between like say the gospel of John and the letters of John, the epistles of John. But taking this as a letter of John you wonder like, why is this not addressed, like why isn’t it addressed to somebody specific? And the reason might be that the people that received this letter in the first place, they knew John really well. He's…he's an elderly person, an elderly…elderly saint, an elderly man at this point. And, so, he didn't need to introduce himself in the letter. It's also possible that the…the recipients of the letter weren't specifically named so that if the letter fell into the wrong hands they couldn't be tracked down. Maybe it was to protect them from potential persecution. But this letter, most likely was written from Ephesus pretty late in the apostle’s life…very late and the apostle’s life and the letter finds its dating, and again, dating letters has its challenges, but likely this is written in the mid-90s or maybe the early 100s. And…and John was writing really for one thing. He was undressing false teachings. This is interesting in the development of the church and in the development of the New Testament canon because during the time that all of these things that we are reading were written there wasn't a New Testament canon. And ideas about Jesus - who He was, what He represented, what His work was, where He came from, where He went - there were all kinds of things being said. Some of them would later be branded as heretical. Some of them are still just a part of the church library not part of the canon of Scripture, but are stories that have been passed down and still exist until this very day throughout generation after generation that…that actually provide us some of the church history that we have. So, some of the earlier forms of Gnosticism had begun to take hold and were forming theology and forming a whole written corpus around…around those beliefs. And if I had to…it's…it's hard…it's hard to summarize all of what's going on in Gnosticism because it's not just one thing, but the general understanding that the body is a bad thing and that our spirits are trapped within the body and that our spirituality and goal is to live an ascetic life, like depreciating bodily experiences in favor of spiritual ones so that we could achieve some form of enlightenment and deny…and deny bodily experience in favor of…of a spiritual experience. This is generally what we’re talking about. But there's also the early docetic view and John seems to be speaking specifically toward this view quite a bit in this letter. And that's a view that Jesus was indeed who He said He was, but He was not an actual human being. He appeared to be one more like, He was an apparition. And John also seems to be speaking against the view of Cerinthus who basically taught that Jesus was a human being, He was a person, but the divinity, the divine Christ nature actually entered Jesus when He was baptized and then affirmed by the dove by the Holy Spirit, “this is my beloved son”, and then Jesus operated in His ministry divinely, but at His crucifixion, He's dying, His…his body is dying, He's in the middle of an execution and He cries out, “my God, why have you forsaken me” and all this. And it's then the view of Cerinthus that the divine spirit that had embodied Jesus left Him at that point. And there are many, many others, many other different things that people believe, like Marcionism, which was a very, very wide populated group of people who had very different beliefs, believed very, very much in the writings of the apostle Paul, but really only took the gospel of Luke as something that could depict Jesus. And, I mean we could go on and on about different things like this all day. John is speaking against some of these things. And, so, it's here where we begin to see that the teachings about Jesus had spread and then some of the earlier church fathers including disciples of Jesus, like actually who walked with Him, like John, began to get into the process of forming orthodoxy. And we can only imagine that John, elderly as he might have been, would have authority to speak because He was there, like he was a part of Jesus inner circle and he'd been with Jesus from the beginning of his ministry. So, he could at least from an eyewitness perspective talk about what Jesus said and did. And that’s what we find him doing in first John. But just beyond just going after teachings that he was finding were getting kind of pretty far out there, this letter does provide contrasts for us, ways in which we can test the posture of our own heart. And, so, let's dive in. first John chapter 1.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word. We thank You for bringing us through these 11 months. Strange as they have been You have never left us. You have not forsaken us and we have learned in just beginning this letter of first John, that You are faithful and You are just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from wickedness if we'll confess our sins to You. And, so, there's a level of intimacy portrayed here, conversational intimacy, one in which we could come to You and confess and one in which You would restore us. This is what we want every waking moment and every sleeping moment to be like - aware of Your presence, aware of Your guidance, aware of where You are leading us - and that we can remain in conversation. And then we fail we can come and say we failed instead of getting all twisted up and estranged, instead of failing and then throwing up our hands in the air and just running into rebellion and crashing our lives, and then being angry at You, only to eventually get crushed into powder and return again. We see this story repeated over and over and over and over in the stories of the Bible and we see that we have repeated the same patterns. We don't want that to be the pattern of our life anymore. We want to lock in for the rest of our days into the grand adventure of the life that You have given us to live and we want to be joyful in it because we get to live it and we get to walk with You. You father us. You show us all the beautiful vistas and views when we don't run into a brick wall of rebellion. So, come Holy Spirit. We want to lock in as we move into the final push, the final month of the year. We want to finish this year stronger than we have finished any year in our life's and that will require our submission to Your authority and our paying attention, our continually being aware that there is no where we can flee to escape Your presence. You are here with us right now. Come Holy Spirit. Help us to stay awake we pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base, it is the website, its where you find out what’s going on around here, around the Globe Campfire. So, check it out.

I’ve been mentioning for a couple days now, now that we’re kind of officially into the holiday season that the Daily Audio Bible Shop is available and there are some wonderful resources in there from things to write in, a great…a great journal that we've developed over the years. Things to write with, like all of the line of Black Wing pencil stuff that we have, that I use, I love. I don’t know. It was a few years ago. I just kind of went old-school, accidentally went old-school and found that I love to sharpen a pencil and I love to write with a pencil and…and within my own hand and kind of move away from the word processor and something just old-school about the whole thing. And, so, we’ve had that for a couple of years now. And it's been really, really helpful. It's fun to sit down and write with things that you want to be writing with on things that you want to be writing on. So, check that out. That’s all available in Daily Audio Bible Shop. The entire Global Campfire line is in the Daily Audio Bible Shop and right now while supplies last…and these won’t last, these won’t last for long. Normally we have Klean Kanteens a couple of times a year and there a wonderful…wonderful…like the best thing I have ever found to drink a cup coffee out of because I like to sip my coffee and it gets cold, right? And then after that it tastes terrible. But this can hold my coffee all day long and you’re drink…drinking hot coffee all day long. And, so, we made these a few years ago and they go superfast because we don't keep them in stock. They’re just really, really expensive to make. And, so, Daily Audio Bible Klean Kanteens Global Campfire edition are available in the Daily Audio Bible Shop right now while supplies last. So, those of you that have been…have been here in years gone by and weren’t able to get one or whatever, this is the one time we’ve got them now. So, check those out in the Daily Audio Bible Shop.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com as well and I thank you. That is how we are here, that we are in this together taking these steps forward every day. And, so, I thank you with all my heart for your partnership. There is a link on the homepage. If you’re using the app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or the mailing address, if you prefer, is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit a Hotline button in the app and share from there or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hi, I’m Melissa from New Castle Australia. Been listening this year. I’m a first-time caller. I’m a mom of 5. 3 grandchildren and a grandchild on the way. My two boys are special needs as well as my oldest granddaughter. They’ve been learning…I’ve been learning this year to cast my problems and issues with my kids and my marriage that for the past six years out of the past 26 has been deteriorating. I can’t change any of this. God is the only one that can change this. Please pray that He’s working in all our hearts and refresh my heart and allow His light to shine through me and allow me to be a blessing for Him and show me the way that I should be going. Please also pray for my two boys. I have an 11-year-old boy Russell and a nine-year-old boy Axel. I’m with ­__ dad. I have the same issues. They are getting older. They are having meltdowns every day and I’m having troubles controlling them. So, I’m just asking for the cursing and violence to just stop and just give me a breather. I don’t think there’s any other thing, yeah, that I can think of but yeah that’s…that’s my points for today. I’m praying for you’s all. Have a blessed day. Bye.

Hi family this is Janice calling from the mountains of Phoenix Arizona and have a special request. Please pray with me for my best friend of 50 years. Her name is Sherry and Sherry’s very ill and the doctors…there’s a lot she’s failing, and nobody really knows why. And she’s now…I don’t know 62. So, Sherry is suffering and we…she is a Christian but she’s mostly worried about her son Michael who’s in another state. And, so, we need to pray for Sherry and Michael and Lord we just need you to come down and be real to this family Lord. Break through to Michael. Get through to his brain. Let him know that You are not the God of confusion. Lord he’s running away from You. Lord please reach down with Your love and bring them home. And Lord please reach down and save my dear friend. We’ve been together for so long and she needs You desperately. And she’s feeling so alone, and everyone is confined at home with this Covid scare. And Lord we just need You big time and we know You’re there and we have faith in You, and we trust that You will see us through this all. And we just want to give You praise and honor and glory. And thank You for my DAB family Lord. I love them so much. Please bless each and every one of these praying warriors. In Jesus’ name. Amen. Bye guys. Talk to you soon.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone this is Joyful Jay from the Everglades. I just listened to the daily podcast and there was a husband praying for her wife in Georgia who’s been bedridden for three months with nausea. She’s a longtime listener. Oh Lord right now at 5:30 AM on Thanksgiving I pray that you will calm this woman’s stomach, that you will settle her inner ear. Lord have her get up. Lord, have her get up so her husband will know that his prayer for her is answered. And I pray this in Jesus’ name. Amen. And that somebody who’s on my heart often is Rebecca from Michigan and Lacey from Cape Cod. Rebecca, I know your mom is in the hospital and I know your heart for her. Lord I just thank You for those hearts of daughters towards their parents. Rebecca, I just love you, I love your heart. My heart pops every time I hear you speak with a little bit of joy. Lord, Rebecca has asked you to heal her mama. And in the name of Jesus I believe that ask is answered in Rebecca’s favor. Amen. And Lord for Lacey, I haven’t heard from her for a while. I pray for her often. I know she says she’s lonely and her little dog is sick. Lord we need…I need to hear an update. And prompt her heart Lord that she will call in with an update. I pray that she will just find what she needs to resolve this issue of loneliness.

Good morning to my Daily Audio Bible community. My name is Tony Rome. That’s what I go by. I’m so thankful to God for this forum and this community. I called this morning after my daily listening to the studies of brother Hardin and thankful for the message that was given. First, I would like to ask if the community would offer a prayer for my grandson. I call him by the name or the initials KJ. He has been plagued with some bouts of schizophrenia if you want to call it that. But just keep him…lift him up in prayer for he’s such a beautiful spirit, such a sweet young man and I love them so much. I’m a very infrequent caller but a constant listener to this community. I thank God for the message in regards to faith this morning. Where would we be without it? I think on the opposite end of the spectrum is fear. So, we often times act in one or the other and that dictates or determines our future outcomes. I thank brother Hardin for the lesson of faith and where we would be without it. Had Moses parents…had not set him in that basket there would be no Moses and no story of Moses today. And what is our story? And where would we be? I just thank God for all as I pray in Jesus’ name.

Happy Thanksgiving to my DAB family this is Danny from Southern Oregon. I’m down here in Southern California spending Thanksgiving with my parents and I’m just so thankful that I’m able to do that make them Thanksgiving dinner that I know that they appreciate so much. But I wanted to start my day out of course listening to the DAB of course as I always do but I just decided to go for a long walk and listen to Brian’s Heart album. And, gosh, within the first 60 seconds I was just balling tears of thankfulness for our heavenly Father. You know, no matter what life throws at us He’s there. I don’t know…I don’t know what I would do without God. I’m just so grateful. And I know you all are too and I’m so grateful for you all. And, so, I just told myself I wasn’t gonna to ask God for anything today I was just gonna praise Him all day long and not ask for a thing. And I didn’t realize how hard that is, that how much I ask of God when I’m prayer with Him. And when I start to ask for something, I’m like, “no. I can’t do that. I need to just praise God. Just today. just give thanks.” And, so, oh heavenly Father I am just in awe of what you do for us every single day and when the world is falling apart all around us and we’re struggling with fear, anxiety, and everything else You lift us up. I’m so thankful for you. I love you DAB with…

Good afternoon it’s such a joy to be able to listen to the word and know that…hi my name is Nelly…and to know that other people are also listening to the word and that they’re…they’re also praising and worshiping God at the same time. And I’m new so I don’t know most…most…most of the people but I’ll begin to start listening more and more and more so I can…so I can start praying for people and worship with other believers. So, I thank you from San Juan Capistrano California. May the Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth, Yeshua __ bless you and just fill your hearts with…with praises and thanksgiving for all the things that He is done throughout the year, that there’s some hidden…there’s some hidden treasures in all the situation. For myself being in…in this this first pandemic, it has drawn me closer to the Lord Jesus to where now He’s number one in my life and I am so joyous because He’s finally sitting on the throne where he belongs.

[peterstanslizzie]

Re-watching Lizzie Mcguire: Episode 1.31 (Gordo’s Bar Mitzvah)

Here we have Gordo with his never-before-seen therapist parents

- Walking along the school hallway are Lizzie and Gordo who are talking about a movie they’ve just seen (Planet of the Apes I’m guessing?). Miranda interrupts them and informs Lizzie that Ethan is getting a dirtbike for his birthday.

- And of course, Gordo still doesn’t care. Will he ever stop complaining about his friends talking about Ethan in the way they do or at least stop pretending to be so oblivious towards understanding their attraction towards him? I get it; They tend to act a little over the top but sometimes it’s okay for them to have their fan-girl moments.  

They do love a man in a uniform, huh? 

- Larry then shows up and asks what all the fuss is about to which Miranda excitingly replies to him saying that Ethan is all grown up. It is revealed that Larry has already started to shave. Hence why he has little bits of would tape all over his face to cover his cuts from the razor blade I suppose. Yikes!

To me, he looks like he has zits that he had covered up

- So, it looks like both Ethan and Larry are starting to go through the stages of maturity or puberty, which Lizzie notices as well. And she even compares them to Gordo and concludes that they are maturing faster than him, which is true but she doesn’t need to say it because that kinda low-key offended Gordo.

If You Didn’t Know, Gordo is Jewish

- At the school courtyard during lunch soon after, Gordo starts acting weirder than usual as he calls Lizzie, Elizabeth and Miranda as Miss Sanchez. He definitely feels like he is falling behind the other boys in his grade and is trying to overcompensate.

- He is also facing the added pressure from his parents on deciding when his Bar Mitzvah ceremony should be since he is Jewish. If I’m not wrong, isn’t this the first time that Gordo has revealed to us that he is Jewish? And clearly, his friends probably haven’t asked him much questions about his religion because they are finding out about all of this at the same time as we are.

Lizzie wants that money honey 

- Gordo goes on to explain what goes on during the ceremony, which sounds really exciting, especially the getting money part for Lizzie and Miranda lol. He also notes that his parents are leaving it up to Gordo on when he wants to have his Bar Mitzvah because for them, growing up, they didn’t have much of a choice. How progressive of his parents!

-  But Gordo feels like he missed his chance since he already turned 13. Plus, they just don’t see the value of being considered an adult at that age just because it’s technically not an adult age. 

When Does a Boy Become a Man?

- The next day, Gordo tells his friends that he had actually interviewed a few men about their journey in becoming full-fledged men, which actually includes both Lizzie and Miranda’s dads. How did he manage to do all of that in one night? Impressive.

Hold up! Weren’t these two guys in the episode, Rated Arghh? Like wasn’t the guy on the right choking on a sourball and Lizzie had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on him? And also, why are they always seen together? Hmm....

- Edit: Their names are actually David Rosen and Jeremy Bargiel both on-screen and in real-life. They were actually writers on the show. How neat! And I also discovered that the writers on Lizzie Mcguire considered them to be a couple on-screen but they weren’t given the opportunity by Disney to make their relationship explicit.

- The interview features all of these men explaining the moments in their lives where they felt like they have become men and it’s usually with their own dads. For instance, for Sam, it was when he first started to learn how to drive and for Eduardo, Miranda’s dad, it was when he first met his wife, Daniella. 

- Their stories have inspired Gordo to do the same things as them in hopes of  becoming a man himself. And we get a compilation of him doing just that from driving a car to attempting to get a tattoo. I thought you must be at least 18 to be allowed to get a tattoo? I need to stop seeing things from our own reality lol.

Whose car is that anyways?

- Unsurprisingly, things don’t go as planned and Gordo is feeling disappointed. He really wants to know the exact moment where he crosses over into manhood. I mean, as an adult myself, you really don’t know when exactly the moment is. For me, it was when I started paying taxes lol and that was at the age of 22. So yea...

- I appreciate Lizzie and Miranda for trying to relate to Gordo and sympathize with him. In some way, boys and girls share similar experiences when it comes to puberty but I guess it’s much easier for Gordo to have an actual guy friend to talk to about all of this stuff. I mean, I’ve been saying this all along; Gordo needs a guy friend his age!

Another emotionally-charged moment between Lizzie and her dad

- At home, Lizzie tells her dad about the issues Gordo’s facing and Sam reminisces to her about his time as a kid and honestly, it was beautiful to hear what it was like for him. It warms my heart because the things he did as a kid that he remembers after all these years were so innocent. He also touches on the responsibilities of being an adult and a dad and how it’s rewarding being able to go to bed at night knowing that he has provided for his family.

We Finally Meet Gordo’s Parents! 

This is not a drill everyone! Here are Gordo’s therapist parents in the flesh!

- Gordo is discussing with his parents about the Bar Mitzvah he was supposed to have almost a year ago and he expresses how he doesn’t feel like they should have let him decide on when his ceremony should be since it’s already too late. 

- His parents, whose names are Howard and Roberta Gordon tell him that it isn’t too late and they think he is ready because they can see that their son has put a lot of effort into researching about the ceremony. Oh and it’s so cute that they watch every single film he has made to date. Gordo now feels like he’s ready. Finally lol.

- Towards the end of the episode, we are taken to Gordo’s highly-anticipated Bar Mitzvah ceremony! 

Lizzie and Miranda always makes great fashion choices

Miranda’s parents are also there as well. Love these two!

- We then see Gordo on-stage giving a speech about his transition in becoming  a man. To summarize, he says that the moment that marked his transition should be something that’s right for him. He also mentions about the different stories from the various men he interviewed and how he is able to realize who he is and the kind of person he isn’t. Lastly, he just sees his Bar Mitzvah as the mark of this transition instead of a tattoo, a dirtbike or any other sort of thing. 

It’s amazing how Gordo invited all of the interviewees to his special day. Also, Larry and Ethan were invited too! So does this mean that he’s friends with them? Or did he just invite his entire class?

- He then reads a portion from the Torah, all in Hebrew. Despite myself not understanding a single thing, it sounded beautiful. 

What a way to end an episode!

B-Plot: Sam Is In-Charge

- What’s an episode of Lizzie Mcguire without having to watch Matt’s crazy (or annoying) antics? This time, he was caught stealing oranges from a tree that belongs to their neighbor, Mrs Robinson...for the 4th time that week. 

- When Sam tells Mrs Robinson, “Boys Will Be Boys”, I rolled my eyes because that’s one of the weakest excuses for poor behaviour. I gotta be honest. Even Jo was looking at her husband in disbelief.

- Matt is much more precarious that the average 10/11 year old. He even sold her oranges to his classmates at school to make a profit. I mean, that’s pretty smart of him to do but it all gets crossed out because they weren’t his oranges in the first place. 

Look at Sam trying to discipline Matt. You sure showed him...

- Jo, who I actually thought would severely punish Matt pulls the classic move that usually works on Matt, which is basically to not do anything. It’s just like in episode 1.2 (Picture Day), where she went along with Matt pretending to be sick to the point where he actually suffers in the end. This time, she is leaving her husband in-charge of the disciplining. This definitely isn’t going to end well. Poor Sam!

- Later on, we see Sam trying to be the disciplinary of the family and let’s just say he isn’t doing a good job. And it doesn’t help that Matt is being completely uncooperative and coming up with excuses for his actions. I wish Matt would try acting this way in an Asian or African household. He would be running for the hills lol. 

- Jo witnesses all of this and decides to stay quiet and let her husband handle it as planned. That’s pretty much what she does for every complaint that they’re getting from their neighbors as one after the other pays a visit to their house with Matt by their side to tell them what pesky little thing Matt had done to them this time. Let’s see how long that will last.

This one takes the cake for me. But hey, at least Coco looks pretty cute with that look

- Sam seems to be a his wits end about all of this but he isn’t doing a good job coming up with Matt’s punishments. The most he can dish out is sending Matt to his room. But Jo isn’t the one to talk; her punishments are that much worse either. 

- As this plot progresses, we can see that Sam is surprisingly starting to go a little overboard with the punishments and doesn’t know what the right balance is because for something as small as oversleeping, he punishes Matt by making him clean the house, mow the lawn and wash his car. Wow, that is intense. Sam needs to use a little bit of common sense here. 

We can see here that Matt misses getting punishments from his mom and that Jo misses giving him punishments. Umm, okay. Anyways, this whole plot ends with Jo going back to be the main disciplinary for the kids. 

Overall Thoughts

- And there we have it! The last episode review for Season 1! This season definitely ended on a high note. This is probably my favorite Gordo-centric episode thus far because I was able relate to Gordo’s personal struggles. And I’m sure a lot of other boys and even girls were able to relate to this as well.

- It’s wonderful to see Jewish culture being portrayed on a Disney Channel show just like how Andi Mack did it years later with the character, Cyrus Goodman and they did a great job introducing the different elements of a Bar Mitzvah and letting the audience know the purpose or importance of having the ceremony. I’ve never seen so much comradery between different people from different walks of life coming together to support someone, which is Gordo in this case. It’s really something special to watch.

- Another thing I love about this episode was how they are able to tie in the B-plot with the A-plot and I’m mostly referring to that sentimental scene between Sam and Lizzie. But I must say that Matt was pretty tolerable in this episode too and I found the way he expressed to Jo that he misses his mom’s punishments to be really sweet. 

[daggerzine]

Early DC hardcore gent Rob Moss tells us what it was like then....and now.

When I became friends with a Rob Moss on Facebook a year or so back I knew the name sounded familiar. Then, I’d heard he was a musician (as well as an author) and releasing a new record under the name Rob Moss and Skin-Tight Skin. Hmm….very interesting band name. I then began digging a little deeper and found out it was the same Rob Moss who had been in the Washington, DC-area pre-Marginal Man band called Artificial Peace and had later played in Government Issue for a time.

Apparently Rob hadn’t played music since those old hardcore days, but was now back in the saddle and living in Portland, Oregon (where he’s lived for several years). With Rob Moss and Skin-Tight Skin he put together an interesting concept, a different guest guitarist for each song. Some of the names you will definitely recognize from the punk rock days and beyond. It’s certainly a unique sounding record (and I reviewed it here on the site a few weeks back).

I wanted to ask Rob about the old days and have him bring us up to the present and everything in between. He was more than happy to oblige.

You’re on Flex Your Head and were in two iconic Washington, D.C. hardcore bands, were you born and raised there?

We moved from Boston to Wheaton, Maryland in 1966 – I was three – and to Bethesda a year later. The Bethesda I grew up in had a downtown of mostly old two- and three-story buildings, and there were cows in the field across from Walter Johnson High when I went there. I’ve not lived in the D.C. area since the fall of 1983.

Do you remember your earliest exposure to music?

My first memories are my dad playing records, like Edvard Grieg’s Hall of the Mountain King and Prokofiev’s Peter and the Wolf. I think he chose them because that kind of music’s so visual. In the mid 1970s I discovered WPGC, a Top-40 station. I had a Radio Shack cassette deck that I’d put up against the radio to record stuff like The Night Chicago Died (Paper Lace) and Blockbuster (Sweet).

How and when did the punk rock bug hit you?

The how and who was Marc Alberstadt (original drummer in Government Issue). We’ve been friends since kindergarten and went to Hebrew school together. We used to hang out at his house and listen to his older brother’s records. Like Can’t Stand the Rezillos, the first Generation X album and the Sex Pistols. The when was 1978 or ’79.

Back then, Kenny, Marc’s brother, would sneak us in to see bands at the Psyche Delly and at the University of Maryland. There were no underage shows then. We saw the Slickee Boys, the Bad Brains, Tina Peel, Sorrows – bands like that.

But as far as really getting bit by the bug, it was when I saw how much fun the Slickee Boys had on stage. I had to start my own band, even though at that point I didn’t play a guitar or anything. This was before the Teen Idles, Dischord, or any of that.

When did you first pick up an instrument?

Marc was already playing drums, and Brian Gay played guitar. They convinced me to get a bass. Brian and I started getting together at his mom’s place in 1979 to write songs. They were pretty crude, we were taking our cues from the :30 Over D.C. compilation album.

How did you meet the Artificial Peace guys?

Let’s go back further. I was away for two weeks in the summer of 1980. And during that time, Government Issue had formed with Brian on bass and Marc on drums.

Brian and I already had a bunch of songs, and he still wanted to play guitar. So we formed another band – he played in both. We knew Mike Manos from school and learned that his brother had a drum set. Mike didn’t really know how to play. Marc gave him some tips, the rest was on-the-job training.

But we still needed a singer. This new wave-looking girl, named Sandra something-or-other, appeared in our school. She’d just moved from New York. None of the other girls at school looked like her. We asked her to sing. We called ourselves The Indians – it was supposed to be ironic.

Our first show was at American University with the GIs, S.O.A. and Youth Brigade. But it got cancelled at the last minute. So everyone met up at Roy Rogers. Fifty, maybe seventy-five, punks walked into the place within a few minutes of each other. The manager came out from behind the counter, he thought we were up to no good. But all we wanted was something to eat and to come up with a plan-B.

We ended up playing that night in the basement of a house in D.C. It was the first time we actually got to hear Sandra sing, because she’d kept pulling a no-show to our practices. John Stabb said she sounded like a dying parakeet.

After that we replaced her with Steve Polcari, who we’d known since junior high school, and changed our name to Assault and Battery. We played some shows like the infamous Pow Wow House gig, which I had set up, and recorded a demo a few months later.

But at the end of the summer of 1981, Brian went to art school in Chicago and I started at the University of Maryland. That meant the GIs needed a new bass player and we needed a new guitarist. Minor Threat had just broken up for the first time, and Brian Baker joined the GIs on bass, he later moved to guitar. Red-C had also just disbanded, so we welcomed Pete Murray to join us.

Artificial Peace was the name of one of our songs. I don’t know if we’d played it with Brian, I may have written it after he left. But we felt like we needed a new band name. We became Artificial Peace.

What were some of Artificial Peace’s most memorable shows?

Opening for the Bad Brains at the Peppermint Lounge in New York City. H.R. called the number he had for me, which was the pay phone down the hall from my dorm room in College Park. We drove up the day of the show, unloaded our gear and discovered H.R. gave me the wrong date. It was the next day. The show itself was terrible! The soundman screwed us. There was nothing in the monitors, we couldn’t hear a thing.

We played another show in NYC at the A7. The first band went on at midnight, we went on around five in the morning. Cheetah Chrome played that night, all I remember was that he was pretty messed up.

We also opened for Black Flag in Baltimore on their Damaged tour. We played well, but the power went out twice during Black Flag’s set. Henry recreated the Damaged album cover and punched out one of the mirror tiles that edged the stage. Lots of blood. How punk rock (laughing)!

As far as D.C., we played some shows at the Wilson Center, which were probably our best. We also played a talent show at the high school that Mike, Steve and I went to. We’d graduated the year before – I don’t recall how we got on the bill. A lot of punks showed up, it was pretty funny.

Only known color photo to exist of Artificial Peace. Wilson Center, 1982. Photo by Davis White.

How did the band end?

Pete called me on the phone, telling me that he and the guys didn’t want to play anymore. It was a surprise. He gave no reason. A few weeks later I heard about Marginal Man. I guess they couldn’t be straight with me.

Was G.I. next? How did that happen? Stabb was my first D.C. hero that I ever met (1985 in Trenton).

Before I joined the GIs, I got together a few times with Kenny Alberstadt, who’s a fantastic guitarist, as well as a female guitarist, whose name escapes me. She looked like Joan Jett and played great! But it didn’t go anywhere.

Then Mitch Parker left Government Issue in the spring of 1983, and I got a call asking if I wanted to join. I played on the GIs summer tour. Our first show was at CBGBs. We had John’s dad’s Buick and a U-Haul trailer full of gear. Just us, no roadies. Tom and I did nearly all the driving. John never got a license. We’d let Marc drive only if Tom and I needed a break. We’d crash at people’s houses after the shows. Some nights it was at nice place and we got to do laundry. Other times, it was more like a squat. Tours were grueling then.

Marc Alberstadt, Tom Lyle, Rob Moss, Tuffy. Outside Shamus O'Brien's, South El Monte (Los Angeles), 1983. Photo by Jordan Schwartz.

 John Stabb and Rob Moss, Sun Valley Sportsman's Hall (Los Angeles), 1983. Photo by Ted Ziegler.

How did your tenure in G.I. end? Did you stop making music?

Around the end of the tour I heard that my transfer to Boston University got accepted. I told the guys. Tom, understandably, was not happy. Once I moved, I stopped playing. And by that time, I felt the scene wasn’t fun anymore.

How did Rob Moss and Skin-Tight Skin come about? Had the idea been brewing for a while?

I’d always wanted to do something more in music. About three years ago I picked up a guitar, started writing songs and posted a few on Facebook. Dwight Reid asked if I wanted to record them at his home studio. He’d play bass and we’d find a drummer. That’s how it happened.

Why did you get a different lead guitarist for each song?

I can get by playing rhythm guitar and singing, but not leads. And I wasn’t ready to commit to forming a touring band. Under those circumstances it would’ve been too big an ask to interest a great lead guitarist to get involved.

But what if, instead, I asked a different guy to play on each song? So I called up old friends and friends of friends, and nearly everyone agreed to help.

What made it such an incredible experience for me is how many musicians I’ve long admired said yes. In your question earlier, about when the punk rock bug hit me, I told you about seeing the Slickee Boys when I was 16 and hearing the first Generation X album. To have guys from those bands – Marshall Keith and Bob ‘Derwood’ Andrews – play on my new album is tremendous. I feel the same about Nels Cline, Don Fleming, Franz Stahl, Stuart Casson, Billy Loosigian, Dave Lizmi, Saul Koll, Chris Rudolf, Marion Monterosso, Spit Stix and everyone else who took part.

How’s the response to the record? Are you happy with it?

Many people comment on the song quality. That even after hearing the album once, they find themselves humming the songs. The earworm thing. To me that’s the best compliment.

What’s also made me happy is hearing from the guys who played on it. That they really like the album as a whole, not just their work on it.

Did you consider recording a hardcore album?

Listening to proto-punk and pub rock made me happy as a kid. And when I speak with friends who were there, many say the same thing. That’s why I make that type of music now, not hardcore.

With all that’s going on, isn’t hardcore still important?

As protest music? I suppose but it seems like preaching to the converted. Bob Dylan’s entire career is protest music, but he grew as an artist to express himself and reach more people. When he went electric in 1966, the folkies booed, they called him a traitor. They expected him to play the same Woody Guthrie songbook forever.

It's the same with hardcore. It had its place. I’m glad to have been part of it. But I no longer want to play it. Still, plenty of my new songs contain the kind of messages I wrote when I was in Artificial Peace. There’s also humor, like Ugly Chair and A Maltese Falcon. Or humor and tragedy, like Got My Ass Stuck in a Tree. Some are about getting older (Tony Alva’s Pictures) or being a kid (Life at 33 1/3 RPM).

How do you discover new music?

Recommendations from friends, mostly. But when I lived in Manhattan in the mid-‘80s to early ‘90s, I had a neighbor in the music business. He’d set down stacks of albums, mostly promo copies, by the trash. I saved what I liked and traded the rest.

That’s how I discovered a band I missed growing up. Willie Alexander and the Boom Boom Band. They were incredible, should’ve been huge! The intro to Rock & Roll ’78 still makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.  

Years later I met the guitarist from that band, Billy Loosigian, through Facebook. And now he’s played on one of my songs. Experiences like that really made the album special to me. I hope it does for everyone else.

What’s next? More music in the future?

Anything’s possible.

 https://skin-tight-rock.bandcamp.com/

[unsureofreligionname]

This was meant to be me venting, but accidentally became a history of my relationship with religion instead.

Alright. So.

Came here to talk about religion because I have no outlet. If you don't want to hear it, just block me. I'm not trying to convert anyone, I'm just explaining things to see if anyone has a feckin name for my damn belief system, because I really want to avoid accidentally starting a religion or something and pissing everyone off more.

People who got pissy last time got on my ass about how I probably wasn't even ethnically jewish, so here's the whole story.

I was raised by a mother who was raised by a non-practicing jewish mother, both of whom converted to christianity in the late nineties, shortly before I was born. They're ethnically jewish, or so I'm told.

Not super related, but, in case it comes up later, I was raised with the belief that my mother's family is a long line of very careful psychics, which roughly means "a lot of the family is sensitive to spirit shit but avoids it like the plague because it's scary."

I was raised by a father who is, as far as I know, not ethnically jewish. He's of mixed asian heritage, so i guess maybe, but I'm going to assume he's not. His parents, however, were both religiously Jewish; my grandmother was adopted and raised Jewish, and my grandfather converted sometime between meeting and marrying my grandmother. They are reform. My father wasn't the most religious guy in the world, but, if you asked, he'd probably either make a joke about ohio state football or say that he was jewish.

I was raised by my father and mother together until I was seven. We didn't always consistently go to church in early childhood, but my mother did take me to two or three for months or years at a time during the 2-5 period. We celebrated christmas and easter, and i had an illustrated children's bible that, if I remember right, was split into two parts: the first was marketed to christian and jewish kids, and the latter- new testament- to christian kids. Guessing the marketing from the publishing organizations. I think I had a few other religious books and videotapes directed towards kids, both jewish and christian. I specifically remember one that illustrated mana as vanilla wafers for some reason. At seven, my parents divorced, and I primarily lived with my dad.

My dad didn't take me anywhere on the regular, but when I visited his parents for the full weekend, they'd take me to the synagogue. This was every couple of weeks. We celebrated major jewish holidays, but smaller festivals only really got a mention. When I was ten, my dad and stepmother married. She wasn't really religious, but her parents were christian, so christmas was back on our roster then, too.

I started going to hebrew school in 6th grade, but I didn't actually have a bar mitzvah because I ended up getting kicked out at around the time I turned 13 due to a whole thing about me going trick or treating when I was "too old" or whatever, shitty parents, so I ended up having to go live with my mom after that.

At this point, my mom was studying to become a youth pastor, and enrolled me into a local christian school with about a hundred students. Unfortunately, this ended up being a weird fundamentalist cult with its own textbooks and teachings, including that bacteria was not real, AIDS was a summoned by The Gays™ to kill all the christians, evolution was a conspiracy meant to dissuade people from religion, et cetera. It was fucking bizarre, at one point they called several of us posessed for being autistic and otherwise neurodivergent, and they categorized us students into the groups wise, fools, simple, and scorners. (I was a fool, by the way.) It was really not ideal, and the weird punishments were pretty traumatic. There was some weird brainwashy type word repetition involved with lookatthepersonsayokayanddothetask over and over and over, and it sucked.

So, I was at that school for about 18 months before they kicked me out for refusing to stand on one foot for an extended period of time after tapping my foot in class which caused a student who disliked me to complain.

At the same time, my mother was working at a small church out of town that wasn't exactly a cult, but I think the pastor kind of wanted it to be? It was like he wanted the cult aesthetic™ and devoted followers and shit, but only had the skill to make a really sketchy and toxic small town church with a lot of people sitting on blankets on the floor instead. That church honestly wasn't a big part of my life the way the fucked cult was, I just sort of went most weeks. I went to a confirmation class there- I'm pretty sure it was a methodist church- and got confirmed into it shortly before my mother left because the administration was weird in like an asshole way, and that was the last I knew of it.

I was homeschooled for a while during the end of this period due to all of the school stuff. Religiously, by this point in my life, I'd developed some of my own beliefs. I believed in most of the new testament and most of the torah, but I didn't have much exposure to the talmud or much of a comprehensive education in any religion. I think I read a bible cover to cover at least once as a kid, including some shitty commentary (it was a preteen bible) that gave me some internalized homophobia issues for actual years. I was also super curious about the paranormal but terrified of possession- remember the cult?- and I was curious about the idea of some people being reincarnated if they were needed on earth again. Not sure where exactly that idea came from, but it was there. People told me from a lot of sides that those with the wrong religion would go to hell, and the cult tried to teach us all to convert people at any opportunity, but, after leaving, the whole situation just made me massively uncomfortable. I did continue to practice the jewish traditions I knew how to do on my own- like hannukah and a weird private sort of passover- and my mother would support this by getting me what I needed for it, even though she didn't participate and I didn't go to any place of worship during holidays.

After getting kicked out of school not that long after adjusting to not seeing my dad or siblings on his side, we moved. My dad lost custody at some point and we no longer had to live close, so we moved and tried to find a better school. It was a Catholic grade school this time, and I was there for about six months, if I had to guess. It was actually a pretty good school, but I had some issues at the time, so I didn't enjoy it much. I was scared of teachers and administration by then, and I had trouble going the entire school day without panicking or not being able to work. There was a period of a week or two in which I didn't speak at school at all. We ended up settling on half days, and, after that, I did well.

The religion class was awkward. The other kids seemed to know more than me even though I'd thought I had a good grasp on religion at that point, and the little information we shared I'd been taught from a very different perspective. Everyone was very nice to me, but I definitely stood out as the kid who wasn't catholic at that point.

Chapel was even weirder. We had to go every wednesday during school, and catholic churches had so many traditions I didn't know about, and the stuff I knew about from either my jewish grandparents or protestant churches had a different name for some reason.

I'm looking at you, sacraments.

Anyway.

I don't think I got much out of the chapel, but religion classes were kind of cool. I liked learning about stuff I hadn't heard before, and the things that were the same were a comfort.

Soon, though, I was graduating eighth grade. I ended up going to a catholic high school. I was still out of place, but I at least had a basic idea of what to do during the mass this school had monthly.

I liked the religion classes here more, how they were an open discussion of everyone's opinions and experiences, and I liked that both of the most recent schools I'd gone to had actual textbooks with facts and studies in them. There were more kids there who weren't catholic, and I felt more comfortable to actually explore religious topics with people. I had a better understanding of catholic beliefs, a decent idea of their traditions, and could recognize at least a few of their holidays I couldn't have before.

I spent my last year of high school at a public career center to start working towards a medical career.

Now, my current beliefs. If you don't want to read it, then just don't.

I haven't been to any place of worship since my school required it, but I do have strong beliefs. I believe in one God (which I generally write all the way out after a billion essays for religion class) who created everything and watches over humans, which he made in his image, etc etc etc. I believe the old stories from the tanakh/old testament/don't care what you call it and the new- yes, including the key messiah bit- though I do think it wasn't all translated perfectly and that it was written by humans who made mistakes and poor decisions sometimes in their writing. I believe people's salvation comes through their intention, not through a piece of knowledge or a creed or good deeds or a tradition, and I believe different people worshipping in different ways is how it should be, because different people NEED different styles of worship. I believe that if someone is genuinely mistaken and incorrect in who or what they believe in, it doesn't MATTER because it's the intention to strive to do good and not harm fellow people that counts. I'm a little guarded about sharing my own beliefs, hence why I made an anonymous tumblr account, but I'm generally very curious to hear about what other people believe. I find that, for me, celebrating Jewish holidays and traditions helps me get closer to God, and I'd like to find a place of worship one day, but churches fucking terrify me now. I worship best by sitting and discussing beliefs, but I have no place to do it now that I've graduated school. I also developed some of my less related beliefs now: I believe in a lot of old stories that have popped up around the world, like fairies of various places, different creatures and entities and things that have become the subject of curiosity or worship, spirits and things, etc. I think many of these creatures exist, just that they may be different from us in the nature of how they interact with the world and matter and that, and I don't think they're deities or anything. I believe in ghosts of humans in some cases, too, though I believe sometimes other things mimic them. I don't find the idea of God having someone reincarnated if he wants the same soul to play many parts in the world unlikely at all, though that's really just me speculating. I still believe in demons, and I still don't want anything to do with them.

A lot of my understanding of things comes from Jewish, Catholic, and Protestant teaching in a strange mishmosh of culture and religion.

I relate to a lot of things directed at Jewish people, and I understand what's directed at Catholic people. Things directed at Protestant people are both understood and, unfortunately, make me instinctively wary due to weird cult trauma (that in no way reflects on actual protestant people, i love you guys some people just suck and twist religion) so are hard to interact with.

In a lot of ways, I'd consider myself Jewish. Culturally, at least, if my religious beliefs aren't "validly jewish" or whatever.

I have literally zero actual connections to any Catholic church, but I almost feel like a weird half-catholic. That's not a thing, but it's how it feels. I believe a lot of it, and I'm interested in all of it, even if I have my disagreements, plus I understand the environments and culture of it, even if I'm a bit of an outsider.

A year- or maybe two years, idk- ago, I mentioned some upcoming holiday or smth in a post and tagged it messianic. That's the closest name I could find for my experience, but apparently some organizations who use the term suck or something. I ended up getting a bunch of asks calling me a predatory fake jew or a fundamentalist christian trying to appropriate judaism or other weird shit that I'm NOT DOING. Because of my experiences in the past, those comments still weigh so damn heavy on my that I broke my resolve and made this stupid account to complain about it.

I don't have a name for what I am. I don't know where to go to talk about my beliefs with people, or what environment I could find to actually practice whatever weird faith I've dreamt up with other people in a way that isn't just picking part of what I believe and leaving the rest to rot. I feel closer to God and more spiritually fulfilled practicing the festivals that call back to what the Jewish people of old went through, but I also believe in the messiah of the new testament, and I like to read the pope's opinion on things, even though I think no human is perfect or infallible. I want to talk about old writings with people and discuss what they mean, from my religion or others, and I don't want to give any of what's right for me spiritually up.

I don't know what this post is for.

Maybe I'm just venting, but I do want to know if this is a thing or if I'm the only one with this belief system. I'm sick of getting shit for the actions of people who I'm not affiliated with, so apparently calling myself messianic doesn't cut it. I can't call myself "spiritual but not religious" either, because I'm very religious, it's just very personal and not something I shove at people, and "christian" doesn't describe a solid half of what I believe. Off and on again I've considered converting to Catholicism, but I think that's kind of grasping at the closest thing that won't piss off tumblr anons as much. (And yeah, the larger Catholic church can suck, but I honestly think I'm gonna get that with any religion with a large following)

Rambling aside:

I want to find a short description that hits the major points of what I believe in order to help me find a place or group of worship that actually matches my spiritual needs without compromising the cultures that I grew up with and making me feel like shit.

(Also don't try to change my beliefs thanks)

I'll be tagging this with anything I've mentioned or vaguely heard of that might be related so relax ok

[archtroop]

So for you. What other fandoms are you in? When, how and why wincest?😁😍😎

Oh my, gird your loins, this is gonna be a long confession. 

LIFE:

I little background (This is all very relevant, because it had direct affect on whatever choices I would make, stuff I might like and my own personal evolution as a human, leading me to where I am today - including my on-the-side fandom life, which are a huge part of me).

Female, only child - I was born in 1990 in Soviet Russia/Russia (it’s a murky year for definitions) in the farthest eastern piece of land on the globe that still constitutes as Asia, a place where they learn Japanese as a second language instead of English. I’m Jewish on my mother’s side, my father is not. Our small family migrated to Israel in 1996. I was enrolled in a religious school, for the first two years of my education. Religious orthodox little girls are bitches. I suffered. I was 6, and a 100% language barrier. Then I was enrolled in a state-religious school for 4 years. Made my first 2-3 friends. One of them is my forever best like-a-sister-to-me friend since then. Still, it screwed with my head just enough - having a secular background and family and religious preaching at school fucks you up real good. By this time I had an actual artificially ensued phobia of males. Boy, man, horse. If it had a dick I was opting out in the opposite direction. It was also a very violent time, hits and punches, teeth and nails. Got suspended once, this other girl in my class broke a guy’s teeth, ended in a juvenile institute for girls.  

The next 6 years (12-18 years old) I spent in a secular boarding school, which, in Israel, are inherently patriotic in nature. These years were my most definitive and had the greatest influence on my preferences. Had my real-life heterosexual-life partner thing going for me, and the plan wast to graduate and move together. Never panned out.  18-20 - served my two mandatory 2 years (as a phlebotomist, of all things). This was when I eventually snapped and began actually maturing. By that time I still had zero interest i the opposite sex (or the same sex for the matter). At 19.6 y/o met my future husband and the future father of our now 2.6 y/o girl, began my B.Arch (took me almost a decade to finish because of pregnancy and financials). As of now, I am an Architect in practice, I work in a small but a very affluent in work firm/office. Waiting for my diploma to be issued.

So, I am trilingual (Russian. Hebrew, English), married+1, architect, artist on a hiatus, I have zero fear of needles and blood, love to read, love to interpret, love to translate. I also failed the Kinsey Scale Test twice. Until very recently in my life I couldn’t pick up on sexual innuendo at all, couldn’t identify if I was hit on, too.  Today I like sex just fine, but it’s not a prime need of mine, which lead to me and my (very sexual in nature) significant other to agree on an open relationship. 100/100 would recommend. 

FANDOM:

TV was a friend. I was 7-8 y/o when Pokemon hit the little screen in Israel. For technical reasons, I couldn’t watch the first episode. So I refused to watch the next ones too, until I’ll catch the first one on the saturday reruns. This marks my first exhibit of obsessiveness towards a franchise/media.  But Pokemon was for cool kids, and for boys, so I can’t enjoy it (unfortunately this is going to be a recurring theme). I absorbed Hebrew quickly, and found myself spending time in the library. TV, library, pencils and paper were all I cared for. I was about 10 when girls at school, who had access (early 2000′) were giggling about something called Sailor Moon. But they were the very cool kids. Can’t have that at all. I read Interview With a Vampire when I was 11-12. I then flipped the book and realized there was apparently a movie, too. It will be years until I’ll have the chance to watch it. I switched from teen books to adults fantasy and horror at that time. I remembering giggling through R.L. Stein’s stuff. It was like candy to me. I would read whatever I could find. I didn’t listen to music. Music is for the cool kids, and I am not allowed. There was no music at home, too.

About that time, I found Flowers In The Attic and drank it up. The things that lurk in school libraries. I was engrossed in the darkness, the horror. The pain and angst and the, well, horror. It was beautiful. Then came Dragon Lance, and I fell for the Caramon & Raistlin story. Fantasy, dragons, and two brothers against ll odds, the warrior and the mage, who are forever bound, and when they die, they join each other in the river of souls. I loved it to bits.  I couldn’t survive through Tolkien. loved The Hobbit, but 30 pages into the third book and he was still describing a forest - so I ditched it. Harry Potter was huge to me, I drank it up. But Harry Potter was for cool kids, so I couldn’t really talk about it. And then when I was 13-14 y/o a friend introduced me to manga. It was 2003-04, the Internet was becoming  prominent feature of life. My first manga was Gravitation. Of all things. But manga and anime is for really cool girls, I can’t have that. But now I had Internet access. 

That’s when I encountered Angel Sanctuary, and Kaori Yuki’s work. Gothic Lolita, Visual Kei. I’v found my niche. No one of the cool kids had any idea about those pretty things, I could hold them and have them for myself. It became one of my greatest inspirations. I read tons of manga online, combing the web for scanlation groups. Anime, too. I became very good at finding stuff. Like, real good. I even have two Angel Sanctuary fanart pieces.

Did you notice a theme already? I haven’t until very recently.

In 2005-6 (I can’t recall for sure) Israeli AXN release a promo of Supernatural. I recognized that “very good actor whose character(s) I really liked from Dark Angel”. It as all true but also I was THAT aloof about physical human beauty  and attraction. But I was interrupted watching the Pilot and begrudgingly decided to follow upon it on a saturday rerun, Guess what, I got interrupted again. And it was ON, TV be damned. I hit the Google, and piracy was it. I watched Supernatural with reverence. It was entirely MINE. I opened an account on  fan-wikia Supernatural site, which I lost and forgot about that was my first ever fandom-related interaction. By that time I also had a DeviantART page, which I kinda left as a storage unit as life took its course.  Basically, in August 2020 I will hit 30, which would mean Supernatural officially was by my side half of my life. 

I had no idea what shipping was, though. Until Teen Wolf, funny enough.  Teen Wolf was my first ship experience. I didn’t read fanfic until then. Sterek somehow managed to pull me in that world. It’s that palpable on screen. So I joined tumblr. It took me time to get accustomed to all this, because even fandom is for cool kids but OH I AM ANONYMOUS.

And I gradually became more aware. Of pretty much everything. With Supernatural keeping me alive through my degree studies, prompting my sexuality to emerge (it is still a fucked up sexuality. But it’s a start.). Worked through issues with Supernatural on my back-burner all the time. 

Then Supernatural hit 10 seasons. And I had to celebrate, and it was my first and only (so far) Supernatural fanart. I began reading fanfic. But so much of it wasn’t what I was looking for. So after some contemplation, I decided to try and write my own (EasyRush). And that was it for me, I essentially drowned in it, the wincest. Now that is had a name. As of today, it has become this thing that I can dig into to find me some solace after a hard day. 

I can’t even say that there was a specific scene. Or a why. It’s just IS. Like the John-finds-out fics: A gradual dawning realization. Looking back, it’s all the elements of whatever I consumed merged and acted out by very talented and compelling actors. 

It has the setting of Flowers In The Attic, the mythology of Angel Sanctuary and the charm of Dragon Lance, turned up to eleven. It’s Gothic Urban Fantasy, gritty and beautiful (I miss classic Supernatural aesthetic BADLY) and is a survivor.

On retrospect I begin to pinpoint moments that have subconsciously lead me to it. There was never any other option.

Wincest is never for the cool kids. It’s for people like me.

P.S.: I think there might be a part two. I need to go. This was a great walk down memory lane, it’s not even half of it.

[docholligay]

paksenarrion-reader replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

sorry, not Ashe, Bitsy

THE MOOD FOR ALL THESE COMMENTS TBH

paksenarrion-reader replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

god I love how absolutely Ashe doesn't get anything, how ARROGANT she is, I dislike her intesely and all I can ever do is just grab popcorn and wait for you to write more

I think I didn’t want to write Ashe because I somehow felt I had to write her as good? When, I think, it’s much more fun to write her as a rich piece of shit? Who thinks she can ever really identify with the life and struggle she’s trying to emulate? I mean she’s essentially someone raised in suburbia thinking she’s a rap god with street cred. She doesn’t know what it’s like to see beef prices fall and wonder how many new pairs of pants you’ll get this year, she has no idea what it is to calve in February when it’s -15 and you have to keep the calf from freezing to death, and I also know that I am in a unique position to write a cultural conflict that actually happens in my community about rich Texans coming in and thinking They’re Cowboy hi no one cared about all that sry. 

paksenarrion-reader replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

I third the immediate interest in Jacintha and everything we might ever know about her and what she knows about Ashe, but also, is that name the Spanish and feminine version of Hyacinth, the dude who had gotten woo'ed by Apollo and Zephyr at the same time, I'm in tears

YES JACINTA IS THE SPANISH HYACINTH. I wish I had meant anything deep by it, but I was literally looking for a semi-common Mexican name that had a cute nickname and would have a pronunciation in Hebrew that was slightly different because reasons. 

paksenarrion-reader replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

"Yael had three beers so it's ten minutes tops before she shoots the rich girl" and I am instantly reminded of your OK Corral talk

ahahahahah SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED BECAUSE EVERYONE WAS HOT, YOUNG, AND DRUNK. 

paksenarrion-reader replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

ahahaha oh my god, the entire thing with Ashe walking in, what an exercise in humiliation.  so used to being a show pony that she doesn't know what to do with being nothing, eh

So much of this is drawn off of experiences I’ve had in my own life and the building frustration with rich rodeo girls who don’t have to work winning all the barrel stuff and the divide there, and so I didn’t know if it would work outside of my sphere. Anyway it makes me happy to feel it work elsewhere. 

paksenarrion-reader replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

I am ALIVE for baby McCree's gay panic, holy heck

The idea of McCree being a Confident Gay as a youth makes me howl every time, I’m sorry. 

paksenarrion-reader replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

"a connoisseur of people who survived when they weren’t meant to" -- fuck me, DELICIOUS

THANK YOU I WAS IN LOVE WITH THAT LINE

paksenarrion-reader replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

and the sudden big-picture McCree, like, he's not wrong in any larger scope, but then Yael doing what she does not because there's illegal arms trade to be stopped but because some fucks are still buying illegal arms and it's not to hang them over the fireplace

she ain't wrong either

Yah for me Yael is a complication. McCree isn’t wrong here--they sell arms to people who well sell them down the line, and who knows who they’ll go to, but I think Yael knows she can’t stop that, and so she’ll just kill whoever she thinks needs to be stopped and make a living along the way. is it “right” I don;t think so, not especially. Is it “pragmatic and understandable” absolutely. 

paksenarrion-reader replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

"oh yeah that bitch thinks she's special" -- that bitch's wife

I'm fucking cry-laughing

Listen Gays are Known all over. 

tymp3st replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

I am deeply curious about what Jacinta knows. But also, the way the Dealock gang feels so entirely, solidly built up is fantastic. This also makes for a version of Ashe I could get invested in pretty easily, since she has to deal with all the things that work as status symbols in her regular life just get her laughed at here. An Ashe who had to work for her place instead of seeming to start there is just a cool idea.

Thank you so much! Yeah, so much of this was just an attempt to get Ashe to “work” for me, a way to try and dovetail together the Deadlock Gang we originally heard of with McCree and ~Deadlock Rebels~ motorcycle thing we find out with Ashe. (And I can’t wait to write Yael Taking Umbrage at what Ashe’s done with it) 

rosepetalrevolution replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

AND I AM ALSO INCREDIBLY INTRIGUED BY WHAT JACINTA KNOWS, and just Jacinta generally lol

IT WILL COME OUT EVENTUALLY I PROMISE

rosepetalrevolution replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

And your take on young Jesse, who knows enough and nothing at all, is so rich and warm and good. And for all that she is and isn’t, you’ve given us an interpretation of Ashe that is so compelling

Thank you! If I am going to be invested in Jesse, I need him to be a complicated man who doesn’t often know what the fuck he’s doing. For me, a lot of his grey morality doesn't come out of self-interest but absolute confusion. He’s a lost boy, you know? 

rosepetalrevolution replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

The way you’ve been so thoughtful and intentional with the gang’s history, then connected that so deftly to this moment in its present that it is so much more than backstory exposition for its own sake, and then every reference to what Ashe will learn in her future and the gang’s future as they become one and the same, for better or for worse - it’s all just so well crafted

Thank you! I sat down and thought really hard, with ages, and happenings and stuff, as to everything I think happened, in ways I could make work and feel for. It makes me so happy that it worked for you! 

rosepetalrevolution replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

I LOVE THIS

THANK YOU I HOPED YOU WOULD

themiscyra1983 replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

I AM curious as to why Jacinta was so keen to take her in, and one of these days I really need to read the entire timeline.

YES YOU DO BECAUSE I’M SELFISH

themiscyra1983 replied to your post “Smoke and Ashes”

Interesting. I'd honestly figured you were just going to ignore Ashe, probably because some days I don't pay close enough attention, but man oh man do I love me an entitled little rich girl getting told no, and no, and fine, yes, but also no. I do not feel one little bit bad for Bitsy, she ought to have known what she was getting into, and maybe she's got Rei Hino-level reasons for breaking with her family but she's still got to learn what's what.

For a long time I did, because I couldn’t buy what they were selling, but the more they eked into the ‘debutante girl wants to play cowboy’ the more I could get into the idea of her trying to prove herself and having a difficult-ass time of it.. 

[myselftimes3]

John is a wreck after Mary dies. He knows something isn’t quite right with the way Sam’s nursery burst out in flames, the way Mary was stuck to the ceiling. So he starts researching and as soon as he finds out about the unnatural, the things that go bump in the night, he knows he won’t ever be able to turn his back on this problem. But he also knows that he has two small boys to take care of and that he can’t do that and hunt monsters at the same time. So he says a prayer up to his wife in heaven, picks Dean up, limp and relaxed with sleep at five in the morning and doesn’t look back at the little bundle on the bed as he leaves the motel room and puts the car in drive, his older son in the backseat. The cleaner would find little Sam later, swaddled in a thin motel throw blanket, a box of formula, a couple of diapers and a slip of paper with his name and date of birth next to him. She would call the police and the officers would take Sam back with them, go through various paperwork with a social worker and finally transfer him to an orphanage. By then, John is already too far away to be found.

By the time the police can nail him down, now loaded with charges of break-in, trespassing and car theft, uniting Sam with his father is unthinkable. Instead, they sit him down in the interrogation room and ask him about Dean.

“He must be six now. Where is he?” John just smiles.

“What did you do to Dean, John?” At this point, they’re mostly prepared for anything. But John has an explanation.

“I left him with someone I trust. Someone who can take better care of him than I can. I haven’t seen him in months.” He won’t tell them who it is he left his son with, just that he’s safe and sound. The police have no choice but to believe him. When they come back to the room after the briefing, John Winchester is gone.

Meanwhile, Dean Winchester grows up in between the convent of Pastor Jim and Bobby Singer’s house. He’s a bright kid who’s seen some bad things, and both men are determined to let him grow up a normal boy. He goes to school with other kids in the convent and spends holidays and vacations at Bobby’s house, fixing cars and organizing weird, old books. He doesn’t find out the truth about the supernatural until he’s thirteen and Pastor Jim and Bobby sit him down and explain their work to him. He’s wide-eyed and shocked, but he believes them and he wants to help. They tell him the rules he will have to play by; he can’t go on hunts until he is old enough, knowledgeable and trained sufficiently. But he can help Bobby with research for other hunters and learn about all the things he needs to know like that. He’s allowed to train with him and other hunters that come through, learns to shoot a gun and recite Latin and how to kill what monster. He learns how to make an EMF meter out of scraps and knows pretty much the whole Bible and a bunch of historical texts by heart. He goes on his first hunt with Bobby when he’s eighteen and gives advice to passing hunters even before that. He’s a hunter, but he has a home base and he had a childhood and he has a family.

Sam is adopted only months after he comes to the orphanage. George and Amelia Wesson can’t have children of their own and love Sam with everything they have. He’s such a smart boy that they provide him with every challenge he needs and soon he’s skipping grades and graduating high school at fifteen. He learns Latin and Hebrew for fun and has occult hobbies that his parents don’t understand but support because they’re not hurting anyone and he’s stayed in the chess club at his father’s request, so they can’t really forbid it. He’s also an active kid, plays soccer and basketball and does track and swimming. He’s sixteen and in his first year of his pre-law course at Stanford (for which his parents relocated the family to California and he couldn’t be more grateful for them) when he starts experimenting with spells. First he does meditation to help him focus, then he tries incantations and soon he’s lighting candles and building altars and burning sage and collecting crystals and drawing pentagrams and before he knows it he’s a full-blown witch and makes casting circles in his room at night to keep the bad energy away and maybe persuade fate to help him with his psychology test scores.

He is eighteen when Dean Winchester stands in front of him, pretending to be a Federal Marshal investigating a murder case, but Sam knows who he is, because Sam knows scrying and he is nosy as all fuck, so of course he tried to find out why his birth family ditched him and who they were and all he got was a picture of green eyes and freckles, the feeling of soft hair and leather under his fingers and the name Dean whispered in his own voice. Too bad Dean wants to gank him because he thinks Sam’s harmless little protection spells caused a double-death in the neighbourhood.

It honestly doesn’t take long to convince him otherwise and Sam wants to tell him what he knows, wants to tell him what they are, but his gut tells him to leave it and if Sam learned one thing in his career as a witch it is that he should always trust his intuition. So Dean leaves town without so much as goodbye and Sam would be devastated if he wasn’t so damn sure that he would come back sooner rather than later. Two months later, Dean is back and this time, the hunt he tells Sam about as a cover sounds fake, but okay.

When Sam Wesson is nineteen years old, he kisses Dean Winchester on the hood of a ’67 Impala under a sky so starry it lights up the night. He doesn’t think about the fact that even though Dean doesn’t know they are brothers, they still are. He doesn’t think about the fact that he’s risking their entire relationship should this not be what Dean wants. Or should he ever find out.

When he graduates one year later, he stays long enough to load his bag into the Impala, say goodbye to his parents and do a last cleansing sweep through his room. Then he gets into the car, steals a kiss from his older brother and doesn’t look back.

[morningstar1399]

INTRODUCING . . .

A N D R E A S  P E N D E R

NAME: Andreas Niels Pender

NICKNAME(S): Andreas, Andy, Pender, Pen, Penny, Niels

AGE: 35 years

SEXUALITY: Pansexual

OCCUPATION: Restaurant owner

PERSONALITY: laid-back, fun-loving, live-in-the-moment, humanitarian, egalitarian, courteous, adventurous, honest, generous, open-minded, good, kind, loving, polite, good sense of humor, hopeless romantic, optimistic, bit of a dreamer, go-with-the-flow, modest, charitable, flirts more with humor than with charm, generally a happy person, slow to anger, easier to sadden, can get emotional, loves to talk with people, has an intense dislike for being in a hospital, has suffered from depression for a while and will sometimes have bad days

NOTES:

is from Holland, The Netherlands, but went to university in the United States

is Jewish

everyone says he has tried everything at least once

he’s been skydiving and ziplining in 20 different places, attempted to climb Everest, has tried going vegan and vegetarian (ended up missing meat and cheese too much, “and yogurt”), can sail and ride motorcycles/Vespas/mopeds/etc and horses, has been to every continent, has backpacked across Europe, Asia, and the Americas on six separate occasions, has seen volcanoes, has been rock climbing, rappelled down cliffs and castle walls, and so much more

his zest for life and doing adventurous things comes from several near-death experiences in his youth

he was struck by lightning when he was 12, which nearly killed him; however, he ended up making a full recovery despite bearing scars from it (down his left arm, chest and back, and down to his left knee

he was involved in a car accident when he was 16; his friend was the driver, who owed the wrong people a lot of money, and got the two of them shot; he has a scar on his back from trying to run and getting shot in the back; the surgery required to remove the bullet from between two vertebrae nearly paralyzed him, but they succeeded in removing the bullet with no further injury to him

these brushes with death and serious impairment have given him a pretty big zest for life…but unlike what it would seem, this “zest” didn’t come right away

when he and [muse a] broke up, he was devastated; it was clearly his fault, and it sent him spiraling into a deep depression

however, he ended up doing most of his traveling after someone remarked that he’d faced death twice and won twice and attempting killing himself would be such a massive blow to Death’s ego that he may just refuse to let him die; after experiencing some amazing things, he continued his traveling, learning all about world cultures and such

when he came back to the States, he managed to get himself a scholarship to go to culinary school, and ended up winning a competition and got to open up his own restaurant

owns and operates The Everyday Man, a casual restaurant with good food at decent prices

he makes sure what he gets as far as food goes is as cruelty-free as possible, meaning free range or cage-free, locally-grown/sourced, etc; if he can get a deal on organic products, he gets them

he often cooks or plays host when he comes into the restaurant

every month there’s a tiny feature of a country he’s visited with a handful of dishes that he learned how to make while in those countries; sometimes when a dish from that menu is incredibly popular it will go on the International board and will always be available; if that country is repeated, that dish will be available at a reduced price

is fluent in Dutch, English, Hebrew, French, German, Spanish, and Italian, and can get by in Yiddish, Gaelic, Hindi, Arabic, Farsi, Japanese, Mandarin, Thai, and Portuguese, and has minimal knowledge/understanding of Tibetan, Nepali, Bangladeshi, Tamil, Swedish, and Danish

has a boating license and his own sailboat, De Ontkerkt (The Uncorked, playing off the idea of a ship in a bottle)

despite the success of his restaurant, he lives rather modestly though he has a rather nice place, and instead puts the money either back into his restaurant, into charities, or into vacations and travel

he’s had a few partners since [muse a], but only one was really serious

they’d been together for two years and had gotten engaged when his fiancée, an American named Nadine Nery (fc: Hana Soukupova), ended up in a massive skiing accident while they were on vacation in Switzerland and died

wears a lot of tucked-in button-up shirts with the top few buttons undone, jeans, and either loafers or boat shoes, but might throw a blazer over them, or add long necklaces and rings, or switch up the shirt for a graphic tee with either a band, movie, TV show, or charity on it; if he ever wears suits, they’re more business casual (the jacket and pants aren’t the same color)

loves photography, and takes pretty decent photos

the walls of his restaurant have photos he took while abroad

loves the outdoors

loves to do adventurous outdoor activities like skiing, hiking, sailing, surfing, etc.

is a proficient doodler, but give him proper paper and ask him to draw and he can’t do it to save his life; loves doodling with ink (any kind of pens or markers)

FACECLAIM: Marius Hordijk

|| PLOT ||

created as muse b for the following plot created by @merryrps :

“give me a plot with two established adults. (older muses… i love them.) our muses dated in college, but muse a ended the relationship because they were super smart and ready for success in life, whereas muse b was kind of a deadbeat & immature and had no direction in life. fast forward x amount of years. muse b’s coworker/friend says they have the perfect match for them and sets them up on a blind date. you guessed it - yes. it’s muse a. now, the tables have reversed and muse b is successful (maybe like a restaurant owner) and muse a just got out of a relationship, lost their job, etc. awkward.”

TAG(S): @badidearoleplays 

Edits by me, @morningstar1399 

SIDEBLOG: @andreas-pender 

[ M: This is just an introduction to his character. I will likely add more to this as time goes. ]

TAGS: #about: andreas , #musings: andreas , #aesthetic: andreas , #style: andreas , #face: andreas , #rp: andreas , #playlist: andreas , #ship: andreas x stella , #ship: standreas , #starters: andreas , #relationships: andreas , 

[nahcam]

look! it’s cambriel ‘cam’ slovak. they have been living in south kingsboro for two years. they say the twenty three year old can be impulsive but also loyal, but i just think he looks a lot like logan lerman 

this too me ages to do ajkvndfsjv but here is this trash bags intro ! i’ve had cam for probably almost a decade now ( yikes lmfao ), he’s a super old character of mine & i never thought i would be bringing him back but here he is, slightly revamped !!

tw: drug and alcohol abuse, abuse, mental illness, violence, mentions of miscarriage 

full  name : cambriel  mikhailo  eleazar  slovak

nicknames : honestly  just  cam , he’ll  probably  scream  at  you  if  you  call  him  anything  else  lmfao

gender : cismale

height :  6 ‘ 0

age : 23

birthday : october  21 ,  1996

zodiac : libra  sun  ( libra - scorpio  cusp , also  known  as  the  cusp  of  ‘ drama  and  criticism ’ ) , aquarius  moon , scorpio  ascendant

right  handed  or  left  handed : left  handed

eye  color : really  baby  blue , looks  darker  in  some  lightings 

hair  color : jet  black

piercings  &  tattoos : no  piercings , the  libra  symbol  on  his  right  ankle , the  name  ‘ eleazar ’  on  his  left  wrist ( grandfather’s name ) , this tattoo of an unborn fetus on his upper left bicep which represents him because his parents say he was ‘the abortion that got away’, but this also represents his unborn child with ellie, and these finger tattoos right here !

languages  spoken : ukrainian ( native  tongue ) , pretty  decent  hebrew , english

sexuality : tragically ? heterosexual / heteroromantic  ( 🤢🤮 )

place  of  birth : odesa , ukraine

last  3  songs  listened  to : stadium  arcadium  by  red  hot  chili  peppers , a  gondola  ride  in  paris  by  the  messenger , weight  of  love  by  the  black  keys

character  inspo : a  mix  of  lip  and  frank  gallagher  from  shameless u.s , james  cook  from  skins  u.k  ( huge  muse  from  this  one ! ) , a  mix  of  fezco  and  rue  bennett  from  euphoria , billy  hargrove  from  stranger  things 

soo cam was born in odesa, ukraine to a bulgarian mother ( danijla ) and a ukrainian father ( mikhailo ). now, to put it simple, neither mikhailo nor danijla wanted to have a kid at all. his mother had just turned sixteen when she found out she was pregnant and his father was barely nineteen. the only reason they even had cam is because they were literally told ‘you’re too far in the pregnancy to abort’. needless to say, he was not a wanted child at all

his first few years were mostly him staying with a terrible babysitter his parents hired to take care of him while they were out partying, since he was too young to attend school

he grew up in poverty. most of the time, his parents weren’t really around and there was nothing to eat. he grew up wearing hand me downs from his older cousins, basically broke AF tbh, and his parents cared more about getting fucked up then feeding their son ( and their only son, at that )

from a pretty young age, he remembers living in pretty shitty conditions. his house was always a mess, always scattered with empty bottles of alcohol and a lingering smell of weed, sometimes even meth, but he was too young to know the smell of that

things were never really okay for him, but he managed and learned to fend for himself early on. it wasn’t until he was around six, almost seven, that shit started getting real

his mother began cheating on his dad. when he wasn’t home, she would bring over the same guy and lock the door of their room, telling cam the man was her brother and also his ‘uncle’. cam, of course, was too young to see what was really going on. he never said anything when the man would leave minutes before his father would come home, mostly because he didn’t think it was important

he was going to school one day when he forgot to knock on the door to his parents room. he basically barges in and catches his mother having sex with the guy she claimed was her ‘brother’, and even though he was young, he knew better. luckily, they were too into what they were doing to notice cam walking in, so he quickly walked out and went to school. it’s a lot to witness your parent cheating on your other parent, and it’s even worse if you’re fucking six years old. cam was determined to tell his father, but he didn’t have to

that day, when he came home from school, he found his father drinking on the floor, tears in his eyes, claiming his mother had packed all her things and left. from that moment on, it was just cam and his father

you would expect things to get better from there on out, since mikhailo no longer had anyone to go out and party with, but things just seemed to spiral downwards. mikhailo became angry and began to drink and do drugs ( mostly just coke ). and, if you guessed it, he began to take out all his frustrations on cam

it wasn’t even that big at first, mostly just insults, him telling cam that they meant to abort him, but waited too long and found out too late to do so, petty, petty shit that obviously hurt cam, but he managed it, because his father was the only person he had left

after a while though, it became physical. cam began to notice how differently his father would act when he was sober ( almost never ) versus when he was fucked up. he became violent, little words setting him off. it was almost like he had a split personality of some sort, with the way cam would watch him switch off one moment then switch on the next

he became a victim of abuse, and of course, this led to pretty violent behaviors from pretty early on in his life. all the abuse he would endure, he would quickly take it out on anyone who crossed him the wrong way

this went on for quite some time, but, as sick as it sounded, cam didn’t have the heart to snitch on his father. he wasn’t a doctor, but he could tell he had some type of mental illness, and just add drugs and alcohol to that mix, and he was practically a mess. the only reason they weren’t kicked out of the house was because they owned the house, but most of the time, if not always, they were missing basic necessities like food, clean water or even toilet paper

his life was shit and he knew it, but again, he didn’t have the heart to snitch, even though he knew his dad didn’t love or want him, so, he put up with it. he took it ‘like a man’, as his father said. he did such a good job at hiding his bruises and avoiding talking about his private life

he basically mimicked what his father did to him and did the same thing to other kids. he knew it was wrong, because all the things his father did to him made him feel like shit, empty on the inside, the type of things you cry yourself to sleep with, and maybe that’s exactly why he was so fucking mean and violent to everyone – he wanted them to feel all the pain he was feeling. he didn’t think it was fair that kids his grade had such big houses, such great parents and loving siblings, pets, basically everything he wanted to have but lacked

the amount of times he was suspended from school before he was even ten years old was surprising. it was mostly just violence, but he also got in trouble for stealing and basic bullying. his teachers and basically everyone at school called him ‘the devils child’

he thought he could keep his secret going forever, but everything has to come to an end. he was being reprimanded by one of his teachers when she grabs him by the arm to take him out the room, to which he winces. long story short, but she found all his bruises, then realized he was covering up a bunch on his face with concealer

it was obvious he had a serious problem when she asked him ‘how did this happen?’ and his literal reply was ‘if you tell anyone about this, i’ll hurt you and your entire family’, before pushing her desk to the floor and running out before she could catch him

he thought it would all settle down after a while. he didn’t go to school the following days to avoid seeing her, but his encounter with her bought everything to light. after the fourth day of staying home, police raided his house and arrested his father, taking cam to a group home

instead of feeling relieved because he no longer had to put up with abuse, he got even angrier, if that was possible. he had to testify against his father and he was living with a bunch of people he didn’t even know. if his life was already shit before, it turned even shittier now

he basically became property of the government, a foster child, when he was thirteen years old. he was jumping from group home to group home, foster home to foster home, basically living a much more unstable life than he had with his father

he repeatedly blamed the teacher who snitched on him and even went as far as egging her house and slashing her tires ( crazy mf tbh ). he was getting into constant fights at his foster homes ( which resulted in him being transferred constantly ), stealing, and during this time, experimenting with drugs

as depressing as it sounds, but he was so young and constantly thinking about death. he fantasized the ways he would die, how it would happen, and he constantly asked himself what he did wrong in his past life to live the life he was living now. being a foster kid wasn’t a step up at all. if anything, the kids he lived with were more fucked up then he was. everyone had their own story and some serious trauma they carried with them. everyone acted out one way or another

for cam, it was drugs, violence, and crime. he was doing so much bullshit at such a young age, literally lived way more at his thirteen years than most people do by like, twenty five. his entire life was a fucking trip. he even went to juvie a good three times, and he was literally fucking thirteen

authorities deemed his father unfit to take care of him ( as if it wasn’t obvious ). however, it was revealed that his father had more mental health issues than cam thought. he had borderline personality disorder, or bpd, and was beginning to show signs of early dementia and possible schizophrenia, mostly psychosis. instead of putting him in prison, he was put in a mental asylum, which deeply depressed cam when finding out because he did that. even though it was probably the best thing that happened to him, he lived with constant guilt and blamed himself, despite knowing his father obviously needed professional help

it seemed like his life would remain crappy forever, like he would be stuck living the rest of his life in ukraine, probably in prison before he was even nineteen. luckily for cam though, authorities managed to track down a family member he had who was living in new york, his grandfather named eleazar, or his dad’s dad

cam didn’t even know he had a grandfather to begin with. he just assumed most people from his family were either dead, too old to care, or just didn’t want to meet him. he was even more surprised when he was told his grandfather wanted to take him to new york and legally adopt him, meaning he would leave behind everything he’s ever known

he was expecting his grandfather to be just as bad as his father was, but he would do anything to leave foster care, so he agreed to meet him

he was not expecting the man who wanted to adopt him to be the way he was. it was almost as if his father had been adopted, because he had absolutely nothing in common with his father ( or cam’s grandfather )

cam discovered a ton of things when he met his grandfather. for starters, he had absolutely no idea he was jewish at all. his father never practiced any type of religion and never told him anything about his family bg, so finding out his entire family from his father’s side was jewish was pretty shocking. he also discovered that his grandfather had been in ww2 ( literally ), in camp auschwitz in southern poland, from 1943 till the end of the war. he even had the tattoo he was forced to get when entering the camp when he was eight years old, basically a survivor. he was separated from his mother, father, and older sister and hasn’t seen or heard of them since, but suspects they’re all dead. when he was old enough, he moved from poland to ukraine

talking to the man fascinated cam in every sense of the word. it wasn’t just because he was his grandfather, but cam had truly never met anyone like him at all. he was basically everything that cam wanted to be, a survivor, a fighter, brave, genuine... the list of his good qualities were infinite. it took a while, but cam was finally moving to kingsboro, new york with his grandfather when he was fourteen years old, after he had officially become his legal guardian 

from there, life seemed to get a little better. he learned english and was taught hebrew by his grandfather, and he listened to his war stories every day and even asked him to repeat the ones he had already told. his grandfather was walking, living proof that the things cam had gone through were tough, sure, but they were nothing compared to what his grandfather lived through. in a way, the man gave him hope that things would eventually get better, and they definitely did

his bad ass tendencies never went away, but they certainly got a lot better since living with his grandpa, since his life was a lot more stable. he had a clean, spacious home, food, ac... could he really ask for more? 

with the help from his grandpa, he even agreed to go to therapy and speak with a psychologist about his issues. he was getting so much better, less angry, but there was still trauma there because how does one even get rid of that?

now, fast forward to high school and he’s, tragically, selling drugs for extra money, but not really doing anything hard, hard, mostly just dealing. on his senior ( or junior? ) year, he meets none other than ellie, basically the first girl he’s ever really loved, and of course, they start to date, fall madly in love, and she gets pregnant with his child

this is enough to make cam straighten out his act because unlike his father, he wants to be there for his kid. in his head, he’s thinking he’s going to marry this girl. he’s thinking they’re going to have a kid and live happily ever after, but, as always, tragedy hits and she has a miscarriage, which of course, devastates cam a lot

we all know how this goes tho 🤡  after some time, they seem to drift apart. cam really wants to make things work, but ellie throws herself in her school work and starts pulling away from him, resulting in their breakup six months after the miscarriage

he takes this harder then he should and goes to jersey to stay with a high school friend for a while, ghosting everyone ( minus his grandfather ) completely. this kind of triggers something inside him and he’s suddenly back to his old habits ( old habits die hard, huh? )

catch him selling drugs, fighting people and snorting ketamine like it’s candy, bitch! he hasn’t even hit rock bottom yet, but he’s definitely getting there. it was like the breakup and losing a kid makes him snap back to his old self. them drifting apart just further reminds him that everyone leaves him eventually for someone better, because he’s fucked up and unlovable. he constantly tells himself that his own mother and father never loved nor wanted him, so why would ellie? the most fucked up part is that he doesn’t even blame her for doing what she did, because he would have done the same if he was in her shoes

now he’s back in new york and he’s slowly but surely turning into a fucking ketamine junkie. he knows what drugs and alcohol did to his family, but he’s doing it anyways, because he doesn’t give not one single fuck tbh 😂

i feel like the only person he has that’s actually there for him is his grandfather, but the man is 86 years old. cam knows he doesn’t have long, and honestly? the day his grandfather dies is probably the day he actually does hit rock bottom, but we’ll wait for that day to come by lmfao

libra-scorpio cusp with hella more scorpio tendencies!! he’s a sneaky little fuck, and he can be super manipulative when he wants to be. also curses like a fucking sailor, saying ‘fuckin’ at least 6 times in one sentence LOL

he plays guitar and is actually really fucking good at it ( think like, john frusciante , david gilmour , dan auerbach, or even jimi hendrix ), he also writes poetry and short stories as a way to let out his frustrations, but he keeps this super lowkey. most people think he makes all his money from drug dealing, but a good amount of his money also comes from publishing guitar covers on youtube. he never shows his face and goes under the alias, trickfinger. he has 3 million subscribers on his channel, but no one knows its him

this is already superrr fucking long so i’m going to end it here, but i’m going to put his birthchart below this for some extra #tea

[anobjectofdesire]

Nebuchadnezzar II

[Unfortunately I was not able to write a proper research summary for this topic as I was tight for time, so instead I have simply copied and pasted my notes and selected extracts. It’s messy, but this shows more how my research process went - collating all relevant information, making notes, and then reading it over to select what to use in the podcast script. Enjoy this raw look into my research process!]

It appears that Nebuchadnezzar wanted to be remembered for his domestic activity rather than his military exploits. The extensive building projects undertaken during his reign are widely recorded [ZGM(1] in bricks and cylinders like this one, written by his scribes. Information about his military activity, however, comes to us primarily from Classical and Biblical sources, which can be contradictory at times. The Babylonian Chronicles, a series of tablets detailing major events in Babylonian history, covers some of the early parts of Nebuchadnezzar’s reign in the Nebuchadnezzar Chronicle (now housed in the British Museum), including the Siege of Jerusalem of 597 BC, but events later in his reign come to us almost exclusively from Classical and Biblical texts.

His building projects were guided by principles of utility and adornment, but ‘not without the deeper motives of piety and patriotism’.

Thanks to a firm alliance with former rivals, the Medes, Nebuchadnezzar was free to continue the extensive building programme in the empire, started under his father, Nabopolassar. As well as infrastructure such as extensive canal networks (some of which survive today), dams, and city defences, Nebuchadnezzar put a significant amount of effort into restoring temples. Surviving royal inscriptions detail some forty-odd temples and shrines which ‘received attention’, including Ebabbar. However, outside of Babylon, few non-religious projects were undertaken: whilst his predecessors had tried to unify their state by establishing residence and improving defences in multiple cities throughout the empire, Nebuchadnezzar chose to focus on the city of Babylon. This was, in part, to strengthen the legitimacy of the Neo-Babylonian Empire – having toppled the Assyrians, Nebuchadnezzar’s father made Babylon the ‘imperial centre of Mesopotamia for the first time in over a thousand year, leading to the Neo-Babylonian Empire, claiming imperial continuity as a new dynasty’. Whilst his building activities stretched throughout the empire, Babylon was the centre of the activity. Nebuchadnezzar definitely had a preference for Babylon, which can be seen on many royal building inscriptions – many, including this one, bear the epithet ‘King of Babylon’. Whereas earlier kings had sought outward expansion and viewed empire size as one of the defining measures of success – such as Ahurbanipal, an earlier Assyrian king who described himself as ‘King of the world’ – Nebuchadnezzar appears to have tried to concentrate his efforts of making Babylon and the surrounding cities as developed as possible (quality over quantity, nice). Growing the empire was not the goal. Enriching it was.

Nebuchadnezzar’s domestic policy with regards to vassal states was weak. As long as these states contributed to the enrichment of the empire and the capital, he pretty much left them to their own devices. Certain rebellions, such as in Jerusalem, ‘may have been caused at least in part by the neglect of the Babylonian king to adequately look after his subject states’.

Nebuchadnezzar’s wish was to be remembered as a great and pious leader, working extensively on improving both the infrastructure for daily life and spiritual purposes. Thanks to the substantial number of building inscriptions he left behind, his wish has been fulfilled – his legacy as ‘one of the greatest builders of the kings of the Mesopotamian valley’ has led to him being described by some as ‘one of the greatest rulers of antiquity’.

Nebuchadnezzar is often characterized as either a peaceful, pious builder, or a ruthless warrior king. In truth, he was probably a mix of both.

Nebuchadnezzar’s strengths lay primarily in his inheritance, but he may have unintentionally bequeathed a weaker empire to his successors – had he focused less on Babylon and piety, but instead developed the economic and defensive capacities of other cities, the empire may not have suffered the problems it later did [research more if relevant!].

Under the rule of the Neo-Babylonian kings, the empire’s industrial and commercial sectors appeared to flourish, with Babylonian carpets, cottons, and linens considered some of the most famous of the ancient world. However, this did not mean the agricultural sector was left behind – rather, the fertility of Babylonia was ‘the wonder of the ancient world’. Herodotus described it beautifully: ‘This territory is of all that we know the best by far for producing grain; as to trees, it does not even attempt to bear them, either fog or vine or olive, but for producing grain it is so good that it returns as much as two hundred-fold for the average, and, when it bears at its best, it produces three hundred-fol. The blades of the wheat and barley there grow to be full four fingers broad; and from millet and sesame seed, how large a tree grows, I know myself, but shall not record, being well aware that even what has already been said relating to the crops produced has been enough to cause disbelief in those who have not visited Babylonia’ (Herod., I. 193). Whilst Herodotus is known for embellishing his histories, the impressive agricultural sector was, in part, due to Nebuchadnezzar’s extensive building projects, which included a system of canals and irrigation throughout Babylonia. These canals and the modifications made to the Euphrates allowed trade to occur both within and without the empire with much more ease.

‘a Babylonian army under Nebuchadnezzar captured Jerusalem and took Jewish prisoners of war back to Babylon. The emotional turmoil of these times resonates in the writings of the Hebrew prophets and the biblical book of Lamentations.’

Babylon: ‘Rising from the palace’s north-eastern corner may have been the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, a series of earthen terraces that supported a forest of trees supposedly an architectural girl from Nebuchadnezzar to his Persian wife who pined for the landscape of her mountainous homeland.’

‘Babylon became legendary for its magnificence’

Sat on throne for 43 years, one of the longest reigns in Mesopotamian history

‘He had extensive military experience even before he became king, including his defeat of Egypt’s army at Carchemish. In foreign affairs, his eyes looked to the west, for he coveted the tribute he could exact from the trade rich cities of Palestine and Syria, and the timber he could harvest from the mountains of Lebanon. Of course, the pharaoh of Egypt wanted the same things, and that put Babylonia and Egypt on a collision course. When the kingdom of Judaea twice rebelled against its Babylonian masters, Nebuchanezzar twice laid siege to Jerusalem, destroying the city the second time, despoiling and burning its Holy Temple, and marching thousands of Jees into captivity. Domestically, Nebuchadnezzar focused on large public works projects.’

Capture of Jerusalem (597 BC): First Exile of the Jews

Second Capture of Jerusalem (586 BC): Temple destruction + second Exile + Babylonian Captivity

‘In the story, Daniel and his three friends work for the Babylonian king Nebuchadnezzar and win his admiration because of their God-given wisdom and skill. Because of Daniel’s ability to interpret a royal dream, Nebuchadnezzar declares the Lord to be the one true god. However, because Daniel and his friends refuse to worship a golden idol of the king, he throws them into a fiery furnace. When they emerge unscathed, he restores them to their position and reaffirms his faith in God, as he does again after Daniel interprets yet another dream. Later, Nebuchadnezzar is slain and is replaced on the throne by Darius the Mede. Arrested for praying to someone other than Darius, Daniel is thrown into a lions’ den, but through the power of prayer is saved once again. In recognition of this miracle, Darius then declares that Daniel’s god should be worshipped throughout the empire.’

‘The acknowledgement of the Lord by foreign kings and the prophecy of the Jewish people’s ultimate triumph over their enemies served to reassure the Jews with confidence in their own divinely ordained future in the face of centuries of conquest and oppression by others.’

The Neo-Babylonian kings also seemed to wish to hark back to the old days of Babylon. This is seen in Nabonidus’ archaeological activities, but also in royal literature, of which the literary style an imitation of Babylonian literature. ‘Even the forms of the characters are modelled after the inscriptions of the time of Khammurabi’. This nostalgia is, interestingly, paralleled by Egypt in the same era.

Inheritance of strong scribal practice from Assyrians.

Cylinder = important - direct speaking from Nebuchadnezzar about what he wants to be remembered for, as opposed to how external sources (i.e. Jews, Greeks) viewed him + empire

Most Assyrian kings used royal inscriptions to record their versions of historical events, but the Neo-Babylonian kings shifted away from this and focused many of their royal inscriptions on describing their building work and even their own archaeological excavations. Controlling legacy? How they wish to be remembered? Public and long-lasting displays of piety?

Nebu able to foster literature and architecture, father bequeathed empire not threatened by dangerous enemies

‘ancient learning found a second Hammurabi in him and Babylon rose at once to the very zenith of power and glory’

Side-note: Given that both sieges of Jerusalem undertaken by Nebuchadnezzar are recorded in the Hebrew Bible - in which the second siege of Jerusalem in 587 BC led to the destruction of Israelite nationhood - Israel has reason to remember his name and actions. This has some particularly interesting implications on modern politics: as part of my reading for my IR modules, I learned that Saddam Hussein liked to draw comparisons between himself and Nebuchadnezzar, aiming to return Iraq to its former Babylonian glory. Given his ideological opposition to Israel’s existence, Israel must have perceived him as an even greater threat because of this comparison - an Arab leader who wished to be the one to destroy Israel. I’d only ever read about his comparisons in relation to his delusions of grandeur, not necessarily the specific impacts this comparison may have had on foreign policy, so I could be wrong, but it’s an interesting thought. Not necessarily relevant to my object, but still exciting to see the legacy and myth of Nebuchadnezzar live on to the modern day and having implications on my other fields of study!

[croissantbae]

Best of the Decade

This has been the most nonchalant 12/31 of my life.  Jimmy, Jason and I finished Bridesmaids (Jimmy fell asleep) and when it was over Jason asked “... should we go somewhere? should we do something” and I had no idea what he was talking about.  It took me a second to realize it was NYE.  Instead, I asked if we could each take some time to reflect on the decade.  Peloton (my lord and savior) has been having “Best of the Decade” rides and a lot of the instructors have been talking about how much they’ve grown over the decade and it’s inspired me to reflect not just on this year but everything since 2010.  I thought about one major event per year in the past decade:

2010:  Got Into and Started Law School

2011:  Spent My First Summer in New York (Getting Paid$$$$)

2012:  Moved to San Francisco (from Berkeley)

2013:  Graduated From Law School.  Moved to New York

2014:  Jason and I Officially Got Together

2015:  Jason and I Got Engaged and I Moved Back to LA

2016:  Jason and I Fought A Lot [this isn’t a major event but its all I can remember from this year]

2017:  Jason and I Got Married

2018:  Got Pregnant

2019:  Naya Was Born

Looking at the trajectory of the above, my life shifts from focusing on school/career, to relationship, to baby (which is a natural progression for many people’s lives I think).  I can’t believe that I’ve been in the legal world for a decade now.  I never wanted to be a lawyer and here I am 10 years later still in it. I made a $50 bet with one of my coworkers that I would never make partner  and somehow, by a loophole, I lost the bet. A lot of people talk about how 2020 is going to be their year (”gonna see clear in 2020″) but I hope 2020 is going to be my worst year.  I say that because I am planning on throwing myself into my work so I can get my bonus.  Then I want out.  I’ve said this literally every year since my second year and I could see myself getting stuck (the mostly likely candidate for keeping me in is getting enticed by another maternity leave) but my true and genuine hope is that after one horrendous year I will be free.  Free to enter into a boring, mediocre job that pays just ok (acc to big law’s standards).  Watching Marvelous Mrs. Maisel I feel small smokes of desire stoking in me, hoping to enjoy my job, to love what I do (and to look marvelous doing it) but I don’t want to go down that road. My last decade was spent languishing over my career - just really grappling with it. I’m over it now. I want this next decade to be about more than that.  As noted above, my life transitions into Naya. In this next decade of life I will be turning 40 (assuming I get to live that long).  I don’t want to keep wasting so much of my brain space on my job.  [Note: I really admire Christine Paik for taking the brave step to quit big law and taking this time to figure out her next steps but as she’s noted this year is for a “character change”, not just career. I just wanted to note this because I don’t want to imply that I don’t think it’s important to figure out what job or career one may want to have but (1) it was such a source of stress for me that I can’t and don’t want to do it anymore and (2) I think a whole character change is so much of a better way to think about it. Career is only one aspect of who we are. It’s not always about what we do.]

I used to care a lot about experiencing new things.  Everything had to be new.  If I went to a restaurant, I only ordered something I hadn’t tried before.  I didn’t even like going to the same restaurant.  I didn’t like re-watching movies, or shows.  To me, if it wasn’t new it seemed like a waste of time (I could not understand people who watched re-runs of Friends... ie. Hera).  There was so much to see and experience.  But over time, I realized there really is nothing new under the sun (perhaps a plague of globalization).  The jig was up.  But parenthood has brought back true newness in my life.  In pregnancy, everything was new. I have one million videos of Naya kicking in my stomach because it was so fascinating.  I pored over articles and posts about child rearing and a whole new world of information was exposed to me. Giving birth was one hell of a new experience.  Breastfeeding was new.  Bathing a child was new.  You get the picture.  I got to experience new things in taking care of her but I also got to see the world in a new way (again) by looking at things from her perspective.  The other day, we went to the doctor’s office and when Naya was getting weighed, instead of laying her down on the scale, I sat her upright and she teetered a little bit, struggling to balance.  I could see the fear in her eyes.  She cried out, alarmed, unsure of what her body was doing.  And I got to feel, through her expression, what it feels like to acknowledge being alone, sitting on your own, for the first time (she’s sat up on her own before, but this appeared to be the first time she knew what she was doing).  Another day Jason was using a power drill to put a curtain up and when I took her closer to see what her dad was doing she screamed at the noise.  She seemed scared by it but also like she was yelling at it to stop.  She has no idea what the noise is from, she just knows that its loud and scary.  She has to learn everything about everything from scratch and witnessing that has been a wonderfully new experience for me.  Naya’s name actually means “new” in Hebrew. She is our firstborn and through her there will only be firsts - first time experiencing terrible twos, first time raising a teenager, first time sending a kid to college, etc.  And that’s how I want the decade to go.  But this first year, 2020, is going to be a horrible one.  It’s not a great way to kick off a decade but it’s worth it, because of what I hope will come afterward.  

This maternity leave has truly been the best vacation of my life.  I don’t know if its amnesia but I don’t think I’ve felt this good about a break EVER.  I think that’s the benefit of big law.  It makes you feel so down sometimes that the good times feel EXTREMELY good in comparison.  I love living with my mom.  A few weeks ago I was upstairs  on my computer and Jason was away in San Diego. I thought my mom had long fallen asleep but she came out and started cooking, eating leftovers while it was still heating on the stove.  She got hungry and needed a snack so I joined her and we just stood there, next to the stove, talking while eating bomb ass leftover Korean food.  I’ve loved seeing her laugh hysterically at the tiny little things Naya does. She calls Naya beautiful and princess and it always surprises me because my mom is just not a tender person like that.  She usually calls babies ugly.  I’m so happy that my brother is back from New York.  I’ve always had this image of my relationship with Jimmy.  That we were so close but in reality we’ve drifted since I’ve been in LA and he was in NY.  I mean we’re siblings so we’ll always be close but now we can be a real family again in our adult lives.  I always remember something my cousin posted about her college friends.  She said that they had become “update friends” where you talk to each other just to update each other on the latest happenings but that she missed living together, doing nothing together, and just existing together.  That’s what I look forward to with my brother.  Not having to update each other on anything but just being around each other, raising our kids together, etc.  

Now, on to Jason (I have to say nice things about him because he’s going to read this post.  Jk.  But he is going to read it).  Other than Naya, marrying Jason has been the best thing to happen to me (and I mean it) from the past decade.  I’ve said this before but he’s a better person than I realized when we were friends and when we were dating.  I can’t believe how lucky I am that it worked out that way. There are so many losers out there, both in hiding and in the open, but I found a guy that was hiding how great he was!  He just took his good heart and wrapped it up in a soft lanky body with an awkward personality (jk Jason you’re not awkward anymore).  He’s been such an amazing dad and partner. I’m curious to see how he’ll change in the next decade -- will he bald (its not just me turning 40...)?  will he get fat?  will he become a director at Kaiser?  how will he father our kids once they can talk and they actually have personalities?  will he do social work? One thing I do hope, however, is that he’ll always be a romantic and we’ll always be happily married.  We’re still kind of newlyweds.  We’ve only been married for 2.75 years so we’re still young in our marriage but I want us to continue to have our pillow talks, to explore farmers markets and restaurants and new places together (with or without kids).  I hope we can retire like we’re always dreaming of.  I hope we can build a garden and cook using the fresh veggies and herbs we grow from it.  I hope we make it to the end together... somehow with neither of us having to die before the other.  

And now onwards to the future.  Resolutions!  I don’t have many this year.  I pretty much failed all my resolutions from last year (walk 10k steps a day, finish a first draft of my book, finish my children’s book -- all failed).  But here are the few I’d like to attempt this year:

1.  Peloton:  Ride 2-3x a week.  Jess King and Cody Rigsby both talked about how they made a change in their lives by deciding to say “yes” to new opps.  I want to have a bit of that mentality this upcoming year given the fact that I’ll be making a transition shortly afterwards.  Good to keep my heart open to new opps (even if its not the one that I think I want).  I know this is going to sound like I’ve seriously drunk the Kool-Aid but at this point I don’t even ride the Peloton to lose weight.  It’s because I physically and mentally feel better after riding. Also I (apparently) get life lessons too! I just got my century shirt (HEHE).  

2.  Writing:  write at least 10 minutes a day.  That way I will have written 1 hour a week. I’m sure I’ll fail on some days but “shoot for the moon and at least you’ll land amongst the stars” (Jason thought the saying was the opposite  (shoot for the stars...) because stars are farther away than the moon).  

3.  Money:  Save 60% (collectively).  I dream of buying a gorgeous 3,000 sq foot home either in Glendale or Los Feliz but realistically we can’t make that happen right now and I want to squirrel away as much money as we can while we can. For Naya’s future, for our future.  I need to stop buying stupid useless stuff from Amazon (and I hate myself every time I do because I know Bezos/Amazon is so evil).  My mom is so excessive, it really is a problem -- we’re constantly throwing away food because its gone to waste.  I don’t want to be like that.  I don’t want Naya to think its okay to be so excessive either. 

4.  Church: I would like to try going to church again.  My goal is to check out a few churches. We don’t have to commit to any, I just want to see a few. It’s been so long since I’ve been to a service I don’t know what it’s like anymore.