#I had to let it outj

[enystis]

I should've become a time traveller.

There's just this kind of throw-back feeling I get, to old movies (detective/noir/spy) when I listen to specific jazz or to old movies (sci-fi) when I listen to synthpop. It's very much like being lost in time.

I guess I shouldn't have become a time traveller, I just need more time to watch old movies...

[esoreillaa]

the things you shouldnt know

I’m really not supposed to be doing this. This whole, venting about shit on here because people can see it. I don’t care. I need to talk and the people i want to talk to are acting like assholes. Rant start. So my roommate fucking leaves her alarm going for 30 minutes this morning, loud as hell. Then stomps around the house with no care that her stomping PROBABLY could wake the lockness monster. Secondly, she never pitches in for anything. And I have to do everything around the house. I pay for the cat litter, i buy the soap, i pay for the toilet paper. We ran out of soap and i refused to buy any for weeks because i was waiting on her to do it. She finally, after 2 weeks no hand soap, went to kroger and got some only becuase it was like .37 cents. Oh, so you must be thinking she doesnt have enough money to pay for things around the house. In which case i would be more understnading and try to pick up the slack, no. She uber drives and she says she does it all day long. She does it on weekend nights and never comes out with me. And then she orders a shit ton of packages in the mail. I know she has money to be helping us out she just wont. I asked her yesterday if she could pick up litter and she didnt say yes or no and just responded with “are we out yet?” no we arent but we will be in like a few days and then its gonna smell like piss if no one picks any up for 2 weeks. ALSO after that convo she went to the store and bought some apple cidar that she used for her hair and face and didnt get and litter. She has a cat too and i bought the last one. seriously?

fuck. i wish that was the end of it.

thennn my home life is completely fucked. My sister got diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the psychologist said she was unable to control her emotions. Since then she has been evicted out of her house with my parents, lived with my aunt, kicked out of there and now is homeless. my sestra lives in a homeless shelter. she wasnt kicked out becasue she had the disorder she was kicked out because she was physically and emotionally abusive to everyone that lived in these households. Im trying so hard to be there for her but whenever i talk to her its never any normal conversation. which it doesnt always have to be but she spins in circles and talks about how fucked up she is, and then talks about wanting to get better but never does. And then attacks whoever she is talking to. i get to go home on my 21 birthday and walk up the driveway to see my mom burst into tears and tell me she feels like there has been a death in the family. she is not at a behavioral hospital only at the mercy of my parents because hospitals do not take in homeless people who cannot afford to stay there. fuck. shes so mean to me and im trying to be there for her because her mom and dad are kinda absent at the moment but every time i reach out she bites me. Shes a bitch and shes awful and it hurts so bad. It hurts seeing my mom a mess. It hurts hearing from my father that he has to go to the hospital to visit his daughter on fathers day. She calls me the other day and says shes done seeing the man that she was seeing. Hes 31. Shes 18. He has started abusing her. She says shes done forever but then calls me the next day and guess who shes with? Calls me again later and shes at his work late at night and hes being an asshole and she wants to go end her life. She ends the phone call and I have to call my mom the next morning and check if my sister is alive. I call her twice now because i miss her. Straight to voicemail.

boys.

and then theres fucking Josh. I’m so over his stupid bullshit. I’m so fucking angry at him right now. PISSED. We broke up and have still been hanging out like always but are now taking a couple days away from each other because we need space so we dont fall into the same trap as always. yesterday he tells me hes having a hard day and cant get out of bed so i invite him out with me and my friends. says he would rather not come and talks about how my friends dont like him. THIS IS THE REASON WHY I ONLY HUNGOUT WITH HIM AND NOT OTHER PEOPLE. BECUSE HE WOULD FIND A REASON NOT TO LIKE THEM. Idc that he didnt come out. I do care that he NEVER comes out with me and my friends. thats very important to me. Even if he doesnt like them, or thinks they dont like him (which isnt true) he needs to come to support me. And come because at least it gets him outj of the house. but yeah, that right there is why we didnt workout. I would have plans with people and i would want him to come and he would never come. never. mostly cause he wants to stay home and be in bed. WHICH IS THE CAUSE OF ALL HIS PROBLEMS. fuuuuck

more boys. on another note i fucked this guy i work with and hes really cute and it makes work fun. hes always biting his jaw at me and secretly grabbing my ass and ijust wanna grab him and take him into the bathroom and fuck him. ughhhh so cute. we might hangout today :-) very chipper now that ive vented and let it all out. its there, its not inside, im free.