#I have GOT to learn to stop downplaying myself in these self assessments

[lemememeringue]

end of the year performance review went well. showed my boss the bald doll head I keep on my desk.

[stupidpianist]

5 november 2018

13:02: We made it to 40,000 words. Don’t know why this is any more of a landmark than, say, 30k, or 50k, but it felt like a good point to mark our progress. It’s like, wow, we got this far; not without hiccups, of course, and, like, off days when we just didn’t update the blog, but for the most part it’s been pretty consistent, these last two days notwithstanding (haha irony). Wanted to do something “big and new” for this one, something therapeutic, that might help “sort some things out” that I need sorted out in my life right now. Don’t really know how I’m going to do this, but just going to sort of let things “flow out naturally” in this update, I guess?? This isn’t going to be like the other updates, it’s going to be even more egocentric and it’s going to be entirely focused on “me myself and I” in a way that even thinking about it now I’m finding disgusting. Considered writing something like this and then just not posting it, but then was like, no, include this in your experiment, “get it all out there.”

Just forewarning you that this is gonna be really annoyingly self-centred, it’s just going to be an update of me trying to figure out what the heck I’m doing with my life, because I really don’t have a lot of time and I have a lot of things I need to “fix” or “repair” or at least “amend” a bit in this bit of time that I have, before, like, I need to send out applications and whatnot.

But, since this is still a liveblog update, here’s, really briefly, what I’ve done, and what I’m gonna do today:

-Woke up at seven in the morning after getting three hours of sleep

-Felt in a complete dream state, physically couldn’t lift myself off of the mattress

-Continually shut off alarms while still being consciously dreaming (didn’t commit the dreams to memory, though, can’t remember what they are now…)

-Finally got out of bed at 10h50, knowing that I had to make it to my 11h30 class

-Decided against showering, thought, “you shower too much,” splashed water on my head and hair, “chugged” some water, brushed, put on work clothes

-Checked weather via Google Home Mini device, had a brief conversation with Google Home on how they were doing

-Went to piano pedagogy class, stopped for a Monster “Zero Ultra,” which I’ve never had before, was pleasantly surprised at taste; chose it because I didn’t want anything with sugar, even if I know about the detriments of sugar substitutes. Was focusing mainly on not wanting more cavities.

-In library now working on “commemorative” “we made it to 40k liveblog update”

-After this, going to send out a bunch of administrative-related e-mails, read some Foucault (bought a copy of Surveiller et punir finally, really looking to “get into it”), go to my work shift, finish my work shift, practice piano, go home, work out, shower, try not to feel worried

-At some point will also go get a banh mi or something from the music cafeteria because I neglected to pack a salad

So here we go, I guess. Going to put another warning:

!!!!DO NOT READ THIS, LIKE, it’s NOT GOING to be FUN, it’s not going to be interesting, just going to be me ruminating on my own life and trying to work through some stuff, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING!!!!

Okay, so, feel like I need to be honest with myself, yeah, which is not something I think I’ve done in a while. Need to really analyze what I’m good at, what I’m not good at, and, from both lists, what I want to work on. Reminded of scene in Nightcrawler when Jake Gyllenhaal’s character has a monologue, asking the question, wait, hold on, let me just pull up the script, actually--“Last year I took an online business course, for example. I learned you have to have a business plan before starting a business, and that why you pursue something is as important as what you pursue. The site advised you to answer the following question before deciding where to focus your abilities. The question was ‘What do I love to do?’ The site suggested making a list of my strengths and weaknesses. What are you good at? And what are you not that good at? Maybe you want to strengthen and develop knowledge about the things you’re already good at. Or maybe you might want to strengthen your weaknesses.” Not that I’m trying to, like, model my life after that character no not at all I just was thinking about that scene and that I’m doing something similar.

I think one of the worst aspects of my personality is that I’m particularly disagreeable by nature. After taking a psych personality assessment test with a pool of more than 10,000 samples, I scored in the 2nd percentile of agreeableness. I mean, interpersonally this poses a lot of problems to address, but I think right now I need to slap myself in the face because a lot of my issues stem from the fact that I can’t, or, like, historically, cannot seem to get myself to do anything that I don’t want to do. I don’t think it’s laziness--though I’m definitely also lazy--because I’ll, like, read for eight hours on a topic I’m interested in and not feel drained or exhausted, but on the other hand, if I’m taking a course and we’re on a chapter that doesn’t interest me, the amount of effort it takes to get me to even skim the summary of said chapter seems egregiously high, compared to most people I know. Especially after taking all these psych courses this semester, and learning about the concept of personality, feels like I need to somehow grapple with this, because I can’t keep going through life only doing things I want to do. This leaves a lot of other things in a state of disarray, and if those things aren’t sorted out, it makes it a lot harder, or, sometimes, even impossible, to do the things I actually want to do.

Like, as an example, I already made a list of the professors I wanted to ask for recommendation letters. This list has been in existence for a long time, like, a l-o-n-g time, but I neglected to e-mail them to ask them for the recommendation until just a few days ago. This gives them just a month to write the letters, which isn’t ideal. The only reason I didn’t send out the e-mail, took the tiny amount of thirty minutes to send them out, was because I was like, “I hate doing administrative/bureaucratic things, hate communicating in this way, hate the application process, I’m not going to do it, I refuse.” Until, I was like, “okay, George, if you don’t send out these e-mails nOW, you’re not going to have recommendations, and if you don’t have recommendations you’re literally not going to be able to complete your applications, and if you don’t complete your applications, you will literally have 0 chance of getting into any school, let alone one you want to actually attend.” So I finally did it. And it was just because I was in my disagreeable little bubble of, “I’m not gonna do it, I refuse, I don’t like this.”

So this is now something that I’m hyper aware of. I think the solution to this is to acknowledge that I have a personal responsibility to myself, and to others, to accomplish these tasks, if for no other reason than they facilitate the ability to do whatever the hell I want. If I remember that, if I keep just telling myself that there are some things that are just unfortunately non-negotiable GIVEN THAT I want to do x, y, and z, then I’ll be more likely to accomplish the non-negotiable task to get to x, y, and z. I can feel this working, and it’s a small step, but I’ve never contended with being disagreeable before, I always just accepted it, like, “yup, too bad I guess.” And I am not saying I want to change that, it feels extremely inherent, to me, or, like, it’s immutable in my personality, I just want to adapt and find more ways to operate in the world so that I don’t only have one manner of being, which in itself is extremely constricting, and I want to be as adaptable as possible, just personally, it’s something that I value.

So that’s one thing that’s been on my mind, the other is that I’ve got to admit to myself when I’ve got too much to handle. This is something else I always do with myself, I always downplay everything as if I was smarter than I actually am, I’ll go, like, “oh, that’s going to be a cakewalk, you don’t have to study at all for that,” and, “you know the piece better than you think, just wing the performance, you got this, it’ll be fine.” And then if I have a bunch of tasks that I have to do, like right now, I’ll just keep lying, I’ll keep going, “whatever, George, you can handle this, this is nothing, this is a breeze,” but it rarely ever is a breeze, and if I’m really thinking honestly, I carry pretty consistently high levels of stress and anxiety that I know would be lower if I just accepted that I’m really not as smart as I think I am, and that I need to put in more work than I think I should.

Also need to be like, this isn’t a sign of weakness, or something, like, it’s far weaker to consistently lie to oneself about their abilities. Need to be like, it’s okay to acknowledge, internally and externally, that I’ve got a lot of things to do and I’m not sure I can accomplish them all to a good degree, and that I’m really struggling, because right now I’m actually struggling a lot. Have to prepare and record my prescreenings, finish application packets, on top of keeping up with my five psych courses with finals coming up real soon, and an increased work schedule since my promotion. That’s, for me, okay I’m going to say it, that’s a lot of work for me. And the amount of work that anyone can handle varies from person-to-person and that’s fine, it has no bearing on how “weak” they are, how “weak” they are is only in how they approach the work that they have, right? So I’m freaking out, yeah, if I’m being honest I’m freaking out a lot, and I’m extremely bad at expressing myself, especially face-to-face, with most people, and it’s not that it’s “difficult for me to say these things,” it’s more like, how should I say… It’s more like it doesn’t even occur to me to say, because I’ve gotten so adept at lying to myself that, in a lot of circumstances, I genuinely think that I can take on more than I actually can.

There, that felt good to write, I liked writing that, even if it made me a little sad. Don’t know why it’s making me sad, but I’m going to let myself feel that, just going to let myself feel that way.

Then it’s also like, what are my value systems? What are my frameworks for life? Why am I even applying to master’s programs? Am I doing it for myself, or am I still doing it for my parents? What do I want to get out of life, and how should I go about accomplishing that? So, like, it’d be amazing to teach piano at a university level, it’d be great to be a professor, so it’d be really great to have at least a master’s degree. I want to publish papers and I have a lot to say about a lot of music-related topics, so I want to continue in academia, but on my own terms; there’s so many issues I have, and I’m sure everyone has, with the way the academic sphere is currently run, and I want to do my best to change it, hopefully, for the better. But then, what school do I want to go to?

Going to say something here now that will probably upset my parents a lot, but I really don’t feel that the school, to me, matters nearly as much as the people I’m around. Of course, if the institution is terrible, then it’d be extremely difficult to operate there, but, after a certain baseline, which I cannot really computatively compute and put down in definitive terms, all these institutions feel like small variations of each other. I know it when I feel it, I guess, like, if a place has faculty I like, and facilities that are up to a certain level, then the school itself matters less to me than the location of the school, and the people I’m going to be around. If I got into a “top-ranking” school and got a huge scholarship, but it would mean extricating myself from significant people in my life, I would voluntarily take out a massive student loan on myself and attend a school that would put me in closer proximity to those people.

I think this is because, with more time, I’m more receptive towards the random-seeming nature of everything; people’s lives change on a second-to-second basis, without any provocation or planning, and even when people plan out an intricate future, the reality deviates in such immediate and harsh ways that those predictions 99.99% of the time just are never accurate. So, like, if I’m confident in my own abilities as an academic and as a pianist, then I’m going to a location which I feel would provide me with the most stimulation, the most possibility for personal growth, the best people that I want to keep in my life, and not relocate myself to a place with an ostensibly better “school,” because who’s to say, ever, if it would actually have any positive impact on my later life??

This isn’t making much sense, I’m reading this over and it sounds like blither. It makes sense in my head, trust me, and I’m trying to put it down as clearly as I can. Maybe I’m being too verbose. I don’t know, does it make sense?? All I’m trying to say is, whatever school I choose, the criteria for why I’m going there is going to depend more on the location (how’s the architecture? is there night life? is there a cafe in the area within walkable distance of campus that i really like? are the library chairs comfortable?), more on the people (are they stimulating? do i empathize with enough of them? do i feel comfortable amongst the local culture?), than on, like, the supposed quality of the institution.

I’m making a big deal out of this, I know, but it’s just because to me it is a big deal; it’s a really new mode of thinking that I’ve never really interfaced with, I’ve been told, growing up, consistently, that a “good institution” is what to strive for, and I’m understanding that my worldview simply isn’t compatible with that notion.

So now I’m going to need to create some kind of support network for myself, which is another thing I’ve stubbornly avoided doing, just telling myself, “you’re tough enough not to have one.” This is a lie, and an impossibility. I need to put myself in positions where I’m more likely to have a positive outcome. I don’t trust myself nearly enough to consistently make healthy choices in my life, because that’s not something historically I’ve ever done, so I can’t expect myself to start doing it. What I need to do, I think, is to try and frame the things I do in the day in such a way that they’re conducive and lead to more positive things, on a purely, like, mathematical level. So, like, I can’t trust myself to eat breakfast or lunch. So, a way that I can try and make sure I do in fact eat breakfast and lunch is to wake up at an earlier time than the 10h/11h that I wake up most days. That way, since I’m naturally up more hours, I’ll naturally be hungrier, so I’ll naturally seek out food for breakfast and lunch.

Or, as another example, I can’t trust myself to practice piano for an adequate amount of hours. Like, I really like my playing, and I have a really high-resolution and clear understanding of where I slot in, in terms of pianistic ability, but it could definitely be better if I just made sure I practiced even just a bit more a day. So, if I make a seemingly unrelated decision, like, instead of going to McLennan, make sure you use the music library to a 2:1 ratio that you use McLennan, just by virtue of being in the music library, surrounded by scores and reminders of music, I’ll naturally just be like, “oh hey, I’m itching to play that piece right now” more.

That’s what my plan is, going to try and “set myself up” for inadvertent-but-positive decisions, rather than just naturally going through each day doing “what I want to do,” which usually results in, like, some productivity, and I am still usually getting things done, but it also leads to consistently poor decision making, like, procrastinating on tasks, or spending too long on YouTube.

This is a nice segue, I guess, into my relationship with technology. For years I’ve always used the internet a lot, like, a lot, and in a way this has been great, I’m pretty fricken good with technology, and not just, like programming, or something, but like, I’m fluent with the hardware, and with, like, a staggering amount of software. If I need to figure out how to do something new related to technology, I’ve used it to such a degree that it’s preternatural, and I can sort of “feel out” how to do it intuitively. This is a positive, I think, a definite positive. On the other end of that spectrum, though, is that I interact with social media, and with other people, in a way that I am starting to feel personally disgusted with. I use it as an outlet to feed my personal ego, to try and “be funny,” and to be provocative. Everyone has a public persona, and there’s nothing wrong with this, but I don’t want to view the general public in such a staged way anymore, I think. I used to get a lot out of it, but now, it just feels like I’ve foregone actually interacting with people in favour of, like, experimenting with them.

I want to use social media less, and this has already happened. I wrote a script that deleted every one of my Facebook posts I’ve ever made, like, they’re permanently gone, wiped, so I’ve got a clean slate. And I’m going to use this opportunity to use that clean slate to push updates on things that I’m genuinely interested in, not just in things that I think will make people laugh, or something. I mean, I love making people laugh and feel good, so those things will still come, but I need to stop thinking and participating socially in a manner that, sometimes, focuses exclusively on people’s reactions. I am far too concerned, in a really damaging way, what people think of me. Sometimes this isn’t a bad thing, like, I’m hyper aware of trying to be polite and to not do anything that would annoy the people around me. I am constantly thinking about how to be a respectful person, which I think a lot of the time is good. But it’s also really debilitating because it also means that I’m constantly assessing if what I’m doing is impressive, if enough people are intrigued by me, if people find me fascinating. I need to stop caring about that. The people who find me genuinely interesting will still find me genuinely interesting just by virtue of me being myself. I don’t need to constantly be putting on some kind of act, reassessing the value of that act via the reactions of the people around me.

So I’ve really cut down on my use of Facebook and Instagram, this was, surprisingly, not difficult to do; it felt really natural, just a natural progression in my life, and it’s actually made me feel a lot better, a lot less anxious, a lot more comfortable just operating and going through each day.

I guess everything that I’ve said above could just be summated in that I’m trying to be honest with myself. I guess it’s been a long while since I’ve made an attempt at this; I have a perception of myself that’s gotten so skewed and off that it’s not only inaccurate, it’s dangerous. I can’t keep operating life with this false supposition that I’m actually a lot better at things that I’m not. It’s fine to be bad at things, it’s not fine to lie about being good at them and then, by extension, refusing to grow as an individual and improve on those things. It’s not fine to make excuses for one’s own behaviour, in order to reaffirm a framework of existence that’s only there because one is too lazy, or unwilling to modify it to make it better. I need sleep, I’m not someone who can operate on four hours or anything. I need to eat, I can’t pretend that eating one meal a day is somehow acceptable. I lack mathematical ability, and it’s difficult for me to understand, let alone implement, mathematical concepts, without significant effort. My writing tends to be over stylized, not well thought out, conceptually relying on low-hanging fruit. My papers rely on handfuls of small observations without ever materializing to anything significant. It’s easier, and more pleasant, for me to lie to myself, rather than want to actually work on myself. I’m far too judgmental of everyone. This list could go on forever yada yada wow jesus did I really just write all that about myself?

Feel like this is a good place to stop with this. “Got this out of my system.” Apologising again, I feel weird just penning an entire blog post to such obvious revelations, but I feel severely underdeveloped as a person, especially compared to some other people my age that I interact with, so while this might have been discovered a long time ago by a lot of you, I’m only just now coming to terms with it. Going to stop it there, that’s a whole lot about me, and I’m exhausted at writing about myself.

Hey now seems like a good time to get a sandwich, I think!! Going to go do that, grab a banh mi and a coconut water or something, going to eat it while listening to music and maybe reading some Foucault. Still have three hours before work starts, so I’ll go to McLennan, up to the top floor that I love, to some unused grad student’s carrel, where I’ll be able to look out over this part of Montreal. Then I’m going to alternate between reading and sending out these e-mails I’ve been putting off. I feel like I’ve grown more in this past semester than I have in the entire other years of my undergraduate “career.” Don’t know why this is happening, but I like it, even if it’s been an extremely difficult period in my life. Getting a mental image of animals molting, thinking, like, “it’s always difficult to move into the next stage of your life,” or something.

Can’t live as someone you dislike, or you’re going to be miserable all the time. Need to continue working, not pretending that I have the traits that I like. Need to actually work to attain those traits, to deserve those traits, to possess those traits, so that I actually like myself. Feeling good, yeah, yeah, I’m grinning.

Will update this later. Feeling myself “maturing,” or something silly like that hahah. Feeling a pleasant resignation of something I can’t place. Feeling good.

15:06: Okay I actually have less time than I thought, I misread the work schedule, the event starts at 17h which means I have to get there at 16h. Also forgot that I have to do an assignment for my behavioural neuroscience course that I’m ages behind in. The assignment itself shouldn’t be hard but it’s a reminder that I need to start studying for the upcoming second midterm thing for it. But since I only have, like, forty minutes or so right now I think I’m going to use that time to try and get through a bit of the Foucault? Feel very interested in that right now, seems like a good way, too, to act as a bit of an intermission of other tasks I need to do today. Just as a way of getting organized here are the tasks I need to remember:

-sleep earlier to get up for 08h30 lecture, need to wake early

-do psych assignment

-respond to e-mails

-practice piano

-if time, work out

-shower

-cook dinner

This list isn’t in any particular order, just wanted to, like, “get down on paper” this so that I don’t forget, like, I just remembered the psych assignment while walking to the library, is how “out of it” I am today.

18:34: In practice room now after my work shift. I really like working with my bosses, both of them are great. Did a gigantic training shift yesterday, today’s shift was only two and a half hours, so that was nice that I didn’t have to stay in the booth for HOURS AND HOURS, which is a good environment but also like, if it’s for hOURS AND HOURS it can feel a little oppressive.

Feel excited to get some practicing done, feel like what I’ll do is practice until I can’t concentrate anymore (thinking of Tao Lin’s Can’t Concentrate Manatee, will post a pic of it below), which won’t take very long given that I barely slept last night. Then I’ll head to the music library and do my psych assignment so that I don’t just go home and immediately slack off (always harder to slack in public than slack alone). Feeling myself “setting myself up” for a more productive environment, if I don’t go home immediately after piano I have a statistically higher chance of not immediately going on YouTube, or something.

Okay time for finger exercises.

[sorrymomandcat]

Wed. November 6 2019

12:21AM I need a new lighters 

8:09AM 

I woke up with that feeling. 

Surprisingly not tired. 

I might be after I cry. 

Goodbye past.

4:33PM I'm starting this in my car on my anxious pressured 'break' at the ever busy Budapest. I'm gonna not. Brb.

4:55PM Okkkk, I’m going to be real with you.

I had a lot of clever ways to open this conversation but I have forgotten them since sitting in my Ferrari having not 1, but 2 smokes. You ever feel like you’re chewing on your own teeth? No? Good, that means you haven’t smoked meth for the past 255 days. To be clear- Cobain, Lampwick & The Joke are all synonyms for a former co-worker. Although the same person, they’re sort of not #mentalhealthawareness. TLDR; the more evolved part of me really hopes this guy is just a mean, jaded fucking asshole because the alternative is that they’re deeply psychotic and likely the permanent kind. Both leave little hope for improvement but the former at least KNOWS that. KNOWS I know. I could do a whole bullet-point slideshow fucking presentation on the red flags I had been seductively blindfolded to through exploitation of deepest nature and a stubborn unwillingness to accept pain and anger & I just might. I might. I might need to! I processed most of it as it was happening, denial was a bitch though. If you come from a place of; neglect, abuse and chaos but decided to assess your damages rather than project them on to innocent and typically pretty wonderful people.. then you need to equip yourself. Even if you took the more outward approach, leaving everyone in your path as empty useless collateral damage.. you could benefit as well. Tell yourself 'I’m only self-improving to gain further access and a tighter hold of my victims’ It doesn’t matter. Educate yourself on the impact of trauma/abuse/upbringing. See what happens to you. @ me. 

5:53PM There’s a lot of Construction Boyz here tonight. They hit on me and I’m all like ‘omg I smoke crystal meth and I’m in an over-sized hoodie at work with obviously contrasting roots growing in.. you have no idea how much I needed this’ hahah. Still, it’s nothing quite like the validation I get from making humble jokes to myself in my neurotic head! Where was I? Oh yeah. The Joke; Lampdick. This motherfucker fucking pulls out a REAL LIFE meth pipe, Chief Leaf right there. Of course CL is through-n-through up to date and real time a best friend without judgement, so it doesn’t reflect on me, but I’ve been fighting tooth (lol) and nail against obvious (but not blatant) disapproval toward this endeavor with Joke.. (of course gaslit with remarks like ‘fuck the haters’ ‘you’re really going to care what they say’ ‘it isn’t their relationship’ .. you’re the hater.. they treat me with consistent respect so duh.. you’re absolutely fucking right-it’s ours-and it fucking sucks because you’re an abusive psychopath.. shove that isolation groundwork technique up your) ? No respect. To pull out a fucking meth pipe after:

Day 1 appreciating we had a different DOC (drug of choice) and agreeing that use needs to be controlled in the best harm reduction sense possible & I firmly disclosed that I am 100% in no fucking way ever going to be okay with anyone-ever smoking meth near/with me. I still barely forgive the fuckers that ever let me do it - and I know full God damn well it was my choice/fault/willing action. I barely forgave myself! For letting them let me! Or that I even let me let them do it! So. No. It was immediately made clear. Day 1.  

Throughout this treachery The Joke made here-and-there comments about like “pass it this way” and “why don’t you save me any” and other repulsively ignorant and juvenile comments and my stance toward the matter remained firm. Which he always met with “yeah I know! I’m obviously joking! I agree! I would never do that to you” Like I was crazy for hardening my responses. Fucker, fucking fucker.

Seeing/hearing what I have vulnerably shared and experienced since the first day I made this choice (and I know not everyone who has/will make that choice is going to have MY experience. I’m not claiming that. I’m claiming ‘I don’t give a fuck what another person’s experience may be - I am not fucking here for it’ - ‘it’s a no from me dawg’ 

Knowing how desperately I am trying AND want AND try to want (some days it really do be like that) to stop smoking crystal. To end-all repair the damage it has done to myself, my relationships and my life. To prevent the inevitable damage that waits if I don’t. 

Not to mention all the attempts at ‘crazy making’ by exploiting my guilt and fear of potential harm: caused by crystal meth. ie; “you’re definitely sleep-stealing my keys and/or moving things because YOU’RE smoking crystal meth, and that shit is BAD bad + your traumatic childhood,’ (that he doesn’t give a fuck about unless using it against me in similar scenarios) ‘so come on. You can’t deny engaging in these behaviors, that I refuse tell you about. You meth-trauma black events out.. you’re not conscious of it because of YOUR big bad drug.” (which it is and I don’t intend to downplay it)

Seriously. These are real events & that’s just scratching the fucking surface. Note: this blog intentionally has NO followers and is ran anonymously. My intention is only to self-vindicate the man made madness I've enabled. Yet STILL it manages to drag into a month and a half of my God damn precious and OBVIOUSLY seriously fucking sensitive time. I feel NO shame for that; for struggling right now. For falling the fuck on my ass/face/faceassfuckhands onto a SERIOUSLY cemented floor! that manages to also be falling upwards into my fucking face! So instead of ceasing upon impact; continuously bashing my fucking FACE in. It fucking happens man. I fucking know that and I fucking own it as shamelessly as is safe to. Not as a way to justify where I am right now - but to foster a belief that I am worth the insidiously meticulous effort that's required to be better. In a better position to improve the quality of how I serve myself and thus actually beginning to serve those around me. Jesus shit what a Joke. I can’t believe I let myself: be treated this way, be ignorant to it, be willing to entertain the idea that maybe it was OK (even warranted).. but between you and me: I find it even harder to believe that another human being - one who has clearly been deeply wounded as well - can see the genuine sincerity of another human being’s soul and heart.. compulsively bleeding from a profundity raw enough to captivate a nihilist.. and humbly exposes it.. with nothing but purity in the regard of inherit human good.. and could intentionally stick their dirty fucking arms vigorously inside and tear at the exposed gauge made faithfully available. I’m not innocent here. But there’s no blood on my hands. I won’t point my fingers but my eyes are staring right at you. I know what you did to me. I did not agree to it. I agreed to taking the risk. Do you know what you did to me? Educate yourself. Wash your fucking hands. 

I didn’t bring any crystal to Budapest today. I didn’t know I was going to begin opening this, or I would have.

= I’ve got to go for a smokes. 

That’s enough for now. 

7:55PM I don’t know wtf but Doug offered me to get stoned and so I did outside but the guys who needed to switch rooms came back and then outside too because they insisted on my break.. Golf was looking for tape and offered me a Tim Horton’s, I said hot chocolate. Then Striped Vest guy also forever chatted and offered me a Tim Horton’s; I said hot chocolate. Still no tape and I tell him about Striped Vest and hot chocolate. He says ok. Meanwhile, Doug and his friend Chevy Lover are shooting the shit too and Doug asked for my number. Well first he asked if I was single. He asked if I was dating anybody LOL first of all I’m stoned and second of all the literal words out of my mouth were ‘everybody’ sincerely believing it as a reflection of my innocent love for life and immediately realizing that was a stupid answer so on reflex I said “no, myself. ha ha no. nobody. nope. that’s a. this guy who was my boyfriend died once. like a long time ago. no. weird. yeah it was wicked. wait what? why? but no. I don’t. not.” and I’ll never forget that or this hot chocolate. 

8:03PM Golf asked me to put his poppy on (dude you’re 51, you’ve definitely done this more than me and I HATE war) so I asked him like, when the war was and what it was called - “Oh no, I don’t know a lot about history” meanwhile a second ago he was like “I guess I should put one on because my Grandpa fought in the war” no that was you. anyways so I’m learning about WW1. You say you remember so much, name 5 of our veterans? #therealneverforget 

Disclaimer: I still haven’t read anything about it, I’m sorry to all relatives of dead soldiers I deeply condolence and RIP. No disrespect. We out here.

8:07PM Damn I really wish I had another hot chocolate.

8:39PM How is it not midnight?