#I haven't felt this gay in ages WOW

[thebeloathed]

I need Lady Mowbray from tmagp to shoot me with her massive gun and walk over my body holy shit I am so gay

[obaewankenope]

Hey @writer-in-theory your answer to this ask inspired me! Rip my life and brain because wow I haven't written in ages!!

@kedreeva enjoy some Steddie lol

[Ao3]

.

Steve Harrington isn't gay. That's one thing Eddie Munson knows for a fact. It's like a the earth is round, the sun is the centre of the solar system, kind of fact.

At least, Eddie thought it had been one of those kinds of facts.

Steve Harrington asking him, Eddie, freak, outcast, exonerated-by-Hopper-suspected-serial-killer, Munson to the movies on fucking Valentines Day blows that entire Fact Of Existence out of the fucking water.

"You mean as friends?" Eddie asks, maybe a little desperately to change what he's thinking Steve might actually mean. A lot desperately. Because surely, surely Steve Harrington isn't gay and into Eddie.

Eddie is not that lucky.

"If you want," Harrington replies with such a casual fucking shrug of his shoulders that Eddie wants to scream. He's seen that move from Harrington before. Harrington is humouring Eddie in that too-nice-to-be-selfish way Steve has that Eddie didn't realise he did have until recently.

It's the way Harrington doesn't push any of their party about things even if Harrington really wants to.

It's the way Steve offers his home to all of them, no matter the time of day, if they need a safe space and quiet.

It's the way Eddie has watched Harrington never push or ask for anything for himself beyond the initial, vague comment that no one else seems to realise is Steve Harrington's cry for attention.

And here it is now, with Eddie, offering him a way out of something Steve wants because Steve Harrington won't be selfish and will let Eddie reject him if it makes Eddie more comfortable.

Fucking fuck. 

Eddie suddenly understands how really smart scientists in history felt when they realised one of their Facts Of Existence turned out wrong. And, like those scientists, Eddie isn't going to let himself keep on going with a wrong fact.

He's not a coward anymore. Eddie Munson isn't going to run away from something ever again. 

"No, we can go together," Eddie says, watching Harri- Steve's face. He sees the moment Steve understands that Eddie doesn't mean go together as friends. He sees it when Steve actually realises Eddie understands what Steve wants and is agreeing to it. 

That smile Steve supported from the beginning of their conversation changes then-and-there. "Cool. I'll pick you up at 7:30, yeah?"

"Yeah, Steve." Eddie nods and watches Steve realise he's late for work, Robin is gonna be opening alone and is going to murder him for it, and that this really is happening. "It's a date," he calls out to Steve's rapidly retreating back as Steve rushes to his car.

Steve freezes mid-step and turns to stare at Eddie. There's that shocked sort of delight on his face that Eddie's only seen the kids bring out when they surprised Steve on his birthday with some truly awful singing.

Eddie gives him a smirk. "Right, Harrington?"

"Right, Munson," Steve says after a moment, face turning bright with a grin that Eddie has never seen on his face. Not directed at Eddie, anyway.

Wheeler got it several times when they dated in high school. Now it's Eddie's to receive.

"Robin's gonna kill you for being late," Eddie comments and Steve snorts.

"Not when I tell her you actually said yes to me," Steve replies, "she's been at me to ask you out for months."

Eddie blinks. "Months?"

Steve blushes. "Yeah, uh, I wasn't sure how you'd react do I kept putting it off," he admits. "Didn't want to put it off any longer though. You're too good to let someone else ask you first."

Eddie snorts, thinking Steve is being snarky before he realises, Harrington actually believes that. Steve Harrington thinks he had competition for Eddie's hand. Holy shit.

"Good thing you did then," Eddie shoots back, entire being amazed at this revelation that Steve Harrington wants him enough to not let someone else ask Eddie out for Valentine's. Jesus Christ, Steve likes Eddie, the freak, Munson. 

"7:30 Harrington," Eddie reminds him, putting this earth-shattering revelation to the side for the moment.

Steve nods. "7:30, yeah."

They stare at each other, a distance between them that means nothing now Eddie sees Steve properly for the first time. He understands the expression on Steve's face for what it is: longing and affection and desire. Eddie isn't too sure his own face isn't reflecting the same right back for Steve to see.

"You're gonna be so late," Eddie says eventually and the moment breaks. Steve blinks, curses, and dives at his car. "Good luck, Harrington."

Steve groans as he starts his car. "Pray for me," he shouts at Eddie as he reverses away.

Eddie laughs and gives Steve's car a salute. "No promises," he shouts back as Steve drives off, leaving Eddie at his trailer with his whole world tilted on a new axis of reality.

Because Eddie Munson knows now, Steve Harrington isn't straight, is the real fact. And after their date, he discovers another to go with this new Fact Of Existence:

Steve Harrington loves Eddie, the freak, Munson.

Of course, that one has its own Fact Of Existence accompanying it that Steve Harrington gets to discover too:

Eddie Munson loves Steve, the hair, Harrington.

[drop a tip, like, reblog, message, whatever, at me if you liked this and maybe want more fic from me in the future]

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

never have i been so entirely exhausted from sitting in front of a laptop in a dark room for three hours gay! and so full of delight and happiness! like wow! i have not felt this good in ages!! and its a good kind of tired! i feel like im glowing!

but shit, the update is more than i could've dreamed of. like i said - three straight hours of combing, and i probably still missed a thing or two! i'm even saving the storytime audio to enjoy in the morning, i haven't listened to it yet!

i already have so many thoughts and emotions but i'm... so wiped out oh my god lmao. so much new stuff at once! i need to sleep on it all! and in the morning i will be more than happy to reply, interact, answer asks on this subject, share my actual thoughts - i just need to take the rest of the night to Process and rest, yk yk

and i know i "missed" some links on my liveblog! i know i know! i didn't add every single thing i found - like most of the Wally audios - because i'll be compiling them all into a labeled post tomorrow! when i wake up! i'm already looking forward to it <3 i'm confident i personally found all of them, though! i was Thorough! i went through everything at least twice, i tabbed through, i clicked on Everything...

but yes i hope you all are having a wonderful Update Day/Evening/Morning/Afternoon As The Case May Be. this is truly a delight and again, more than i could've dreamed of. i'd forgotten what it's like to be so wholly excited and delighted by something! it's been so long since i've felt this kind of genuine joy and whimsy! usually im white-knuckling my optimism and happiness but tonight it was all authentic 100% non-forced From The Soul!

[wisteriagoesvroom]

🏎️💨 THE FORMULA 1 TAG GAME! 🏎️💨:

stealing this from the timeline...

+ zero pressure tags (but i love reading these!) - @lecrep @souvenir116 @fueledbyremembering @thinkingaboutfilm11 @supercollide @fireopaal @callsign-shortstack @thatguywasvaping @linewire @buryawoman and whoever else wants to do it.

1. Who or what got you into F1?

charles edits on tiktok + drive to survive, lmao. i'm one of those bitches. sorry not sorry!

but! i will say! what greg james said about f1 resonated with me because i have never ever really cared about physics or engineering in any deep or substantial way. and now, i am avidly reading people like supermak's incredible posts talking about downforce or apexes or deltas and car configs, looking at the charts and the data, and i just think that is a really fun place to be.

f1blr and f1 fandom so far has been a nice confirmation that multiple things can be true - yes we want to make the vroom vroom boys kiss, but we also care deeply about the ethics of the sport, the growth, about driver + team stories, driver pipelines and equity and race excitement and engineering. i think it's really cool these things can coexist.

the sport never should be one thing to one group of people, you know? (wow that ended up longer than i thought.)

2. Who was the very first F1 driver you supported? Do you support them now? Have your opinions on them differed or stayed the same since then?

charles, and still charles lmao. unfortunately.

i am an oscar piastri enthusiast also. i think there's a bit of recency bias at work here but he's come swimming like a fledgling shark into the shallows with his deadpan personality and i'm just very intrigued by His Whole Thing.

i want good things for yuki! and lewis! my GOAT!! give the man his 8th :( (it probably isn't happening but lets' not manifest that.......)

TL;DR it's been a joy getting to "know" the grid (or at least as much of their public persona will tell us) and getting into the lore. *shaky hands* the LORE!

also nobody asked, but, schumacher was an omnipresent name when i was growing up - which might give away my age - but he always felt like an old school driver. in the sense of his mythos, his mystery, his dominance of the track. that era of f1 is over and the sport only moves on and evolves, but in the same way his presence felt a lot more removed and unrelatable to me, and far away. the speed of technology now and broadcasting and social content makes f1 feel more fun and accessible. it feels a lot nicer to find fandom spaces like f1blr where there are different audiences (female, queer, a variety of ages and backgrounds etc) yelling about the same things.

it's just a different time, not a value judgment. but i am enjoying it.

3. Who’s your current favourite F1 driver?

see above, but i'm 100% here for lestappen having a track battle next year only for oscar to pip them to the podium in one of the races lmao. i think it'd be amazing.

4. Is there a driver pairing or pairings you support? What made you attracted to that pairing in the first place?

*long sigh* once again lestappen baybee... the lore... the parallels... the sun-moonism.... the enemies-to-rivals-to-friends-and-gay-rival-soulmates-something

i like other pairings too like in my about me post - landoscar, galex, blabla. my dark horses are riccussell (george/daniel) and groto (george/toto).

something about that greyhound, very wound-up, very upper-middle-class, highly-strung, born-to-want-but-not-to-always-win english george:

5. Do your parents, siblings or relatives have a favourite team and/or favourite driver(s)?

i got my sister into f1 at around the same time but she's not indicated any preference on drivers yet tbh. she's a casual fan. must be nice being normal.

6. Do you have any favourite races? Are there any that stand out to you the most?

haven't seen enough of them to say, 'cus i only started following like two months ago as the season was winding down. i looooved Vegas '23 though and the legendary charles overtake. he's just so fucking smart and cunning when he's given the conditions and the car to be. watching Abu Dhabi '21 on replay was also a TRIP.

7. Do you have a favourite circuit? Can be from the past or from the current calendar.

i'm still learning them. but i'm mildly curious about the old tracks like nürburgring - it was from a totally different era of the sport and it'd be nice to rebalance the long tracks with the current spectacle of street races even though that doesn't seem to be where the sport's moving towards.

8. Have you ever been to an F1 race in real life? Feel free to tell us your experience going to one if you like.

i actually live in a place with a track... i had a free ticket for general access once many years ago but that was pre-f1 hyperfixation, and at that point i didn't understand the appeal at all. idk.

i feel like f1 is actually a better experience for me to watch on tv as a fan.... probably blasphemy i know.

9. Have you ever met an F1 driver in real life?

no and idk that i would because i've seen celebrities in person in the past and it's usually so quick and transactional because they're surrounded by hordes of handlers and/or they're usually running somewhere even if it's a fan-focused interaction.

THAT SAID! i would love to attend a talk by Lewis or just generally hear what he has to say, because what he's done is so beyond f1 at this point and he always shows up in terms of advocacy and speaking up, in recent years, where it really matters. he's a fascinating figure, sometimes contradictory, sometimes controversial, but i definitely would love to hear what he has to say.

10. Do you have a favourite F1 car? If so, what is it?

i am partial to that black and gold lotus from the 80s, ngl:

and this 7up car (jordan 191?) which with the fujifilm sponsorship is just peak 90s:

11. Do you have a favourite one win wonder?

does charles count as a one win wonder............ fight me in the comments

12. Do you have any favourite quotes from the F1 world? This can either be inspirational or hilarious.

"don't waste it" from seb vettel to charles on seb's last day

[punch-chump]

Punch-Chump Interview #2 Part I

When did you get into Boxing?

I was not an athletic kid, inhibited ...last chosen for teams, however although I didn't understand what it was, I knew I was different. My first man crush was my grade school gym teacher...I'd stare at his flexed bicep as he held the notebook taking attendance. I didn't have a defining experience...I just remember from an early age being obsessed with muscular abs and thinking the ability to take a gut punch was the ultimate in masculinity. Gymnasts especially got me hot...more than boxers or wrestlers.

What movie had the hottest boxing scene you ever saw?

Pro wrestling did nothing for me. Fight scenes in movies and TV did it for me. I remember one particular episode of Star Trek had Kirk fist fighting an upperclassman from the Academy. Westerns were great too. There was a mini-series called Rich Man, Poor Man where a young Nick Nolte was a fighter...one scene burned in my memory is a guy picking a fight with him at a gas station and he punches him in the gut so hard the man is lifted off the ground folded over his fist. By that time I was a young teen and blew countless loads over the memory of that scene. So sad the series was never put on DVD.

As a teen, it was enough to fantasize about being jumped with my arms pinned back by one or two guys while another works over my exposed gut. Then just pictures of models with defined washboards got me off. What would it be like to be so built? Or to worship a man so built?

Again...I was inhibited...I thought my fantasies were perverted and I did nothing to pursue them.  And gut punching was sex to me...the puncher had to be someone I found hot.

I remember there was an ad in the local gay paper for a message group that sounded interesting, so I went. It was a bit of a bathhouse set up...an empty floor in a townhouse with curtain partitions like an ER with dorm mattresses on the floor...not what I was looking for, but there was a hot wiry guy wrestling some geek on a mat in the main room with some guys sitting around watching. He saw me, got my attention, and seemed interested. Again, way too inhibited to wrestle in the main area, we went back to a secluded area. I am/was by no means a trained wrestler, but I seemed to hold my own, and his compliments got me raging hard. We jacked off, and he came first. Then, like an out of body experience, I heard myself say "Punch me!" He cocked his head to the side as if to say OK, and started punching straight down into my gut. That remains probably the most memorable orgasm of my life! I thought, Wow! That was great! But I didn't expect it to happen again!

            Then came the Internet, AOL chat rooms, etc...and I realized I wasn't the only one with the fetish! I've since had some fun times, similar, but not as intense as I put in my blog.

To answer your questions, I regret that I was so shy and inhibited that I never trained in a boxing gym. I felt too weak, geeky, out of shape...certainly not masculine enough.

My early fantasies were staged boxing bouts of body punching...getting forced into the turnbuckle or on the ropes and worked over with gut punches. As I got older, I started fantasizing about taking head shots to the point of being dazed, dropping my guard and being nailed in the gut hard enough to drop me to floor. I still haven't met a man local or traveling to my area by Washington DC to do that with.

[mooninnarrowareas]

Using my Sideblog so I don't spoil my friends ☺️Just noticed this is ehat I made this blog for. Because I love looking at onscreen romance and disecting it.

Oh guys I've got so many thoughts about these two.

The team seemed to be very excited to dig into a very messy relationship and wow did making Louis a black gay man help.

Louis is angry and unhappy and Lestat thinks of a sweet suprise the opera. To see a piece he jad a personal connection to. A secret to share with your lover.

But the world outside disagrees doesn't it? To them he has to be your employee. And to enjoy your sweet bit of Rome away from Rome it asks of Louis to act subservient and for Lestat to play the role of the master.

Now I haven't read the books and it's been a while since I've seen the movie. But this scene and the fact that Louis explicitly says he was acting as if he enjoyed draining the Tenor paints a picture.

Lestat must have taken to being a vampire well. He told Louis family of a moment in which he must have felt endlessly helpless and godforsaken. Being a vampire must have freed him and he musst have hoped someone who felt similarly helpless must enjoy their new freedom just as much. But Louis is wrecked by shame in the moment he's made. He doesn't really know what he's getting into didn't read the fine print and felt utterly isolated. It's perfect for a messy love story.

Effectively Lestat has isolated him and confronted him with the reality that no one will ever understand him to the core like Lestat does. But through these obviously recuring fights it has become clear that they deal with things differently and that what should have been a blessing became an increasingly confusing existence for Louis.

Now I personally love this. I've always disliked the idea of vampirism and eternity making wholesome sexy lovestories. This couple is dysfunctional. Because of the age difference, the race difference and because Lestat is filthy rich. That was always gonna be a factor unless they were honest to a fault and intent on understanding each other in the finest details. But they're not. They're lonely and both seek a partner. One that looks into the softest darkest parts and says I chose you. So they drape themselves in their love for each other and build this shaky affair. And it's toxic and the story knows it's toxic which is why I can enjoy the hell out of it.

Also I wanna say I'm interested to find out what the flashbacks are because they sometimes aren't exactly in tune with the naration. Are they an acurrate depiction of the situation? And is it tying us to Louis because we're seeing his point of view and the parts of the story he's sharing?

To end this. I don't hate Lestat if people think that because obviously I'm mostly focusing on Louis. I love characters like Lestat. Who live without inhibitions and live a life of pleasures, but he's not the one telling the story.

[getread]

Using my Sideblog so I don't spoil my friends ☺️

Just noticed this is ehat I made this blog for. Because I love looking at onscreen romance and disecting it.

Oh guys I've got so many thoughts about these two.

The team seemed to be very excited to dig into a very messy relationship and wow did making Louis a black gay man help.

Louis is angry and unhappy and Lestat thinks of a sweet suprise the opera. To see a piece he was involved in. A point of pride probably and acomplishment made in secrecy to share with only your lover.

But the world outside disagrees doesn't it? To them he has to be your employee. And to enjoy your sweet bit of Rome away from Rome it asks of Louis to act subservient and for Lestat to play the role of the master.

Now I haven't read the books and it's been a while since I've seen the movie. But this scene and the fact that Louis explicitly says he was acting as if he enjoyed draining the Tenor paints a picture.

Lestat must have taken to being a vampire well. He told Louis family of a moment in which he must have felt endlessly helpless and godforsaken. Being a vampire must have freed him and he musst have hoped someone who felt similarly helpless must enjoy their new freedom just as much.

But Louis is wrecked by shame in the moment he's made. He doesn't really know what he's getting into didn't read the fine print and felt utterly isolated. It's perfect for a messy love story.

Effectively Lestat has isolated him and confronted him with the reality that no one will ever understand him to the core like Lestat does.

But through these obviously recuring fights it has become clear that they deal with things differently and that what should have been a blessing became an increasingly confusing existence for Louis.

Now I personally love this. I've always disliked the idea of vampirism and eternity making wholesome sexy lovestories. This couple is dysfunctional. Because of the age difference, the race difference and because Lestat is filthy rich. That was always gonna be a factor unless they were honest to a fault. But they're not. They're lonely and both seek a partner. One that looks into the softest darkest parts and says I chose you. So they drape themselves in their love for each other and build this shaky affair. And it's toxic and the story knows it's toxic which is why I can enjoy the hell out of it.

I don't hate Lestat if people think that because obviously I'm mostly focusing on Louis. I love characters like him. Who live without inhibitions and live an life of pleasures, but he's not the one telling the story.

[yareadyfreddie]

I can't figure out if I've never come out, have always been out, or am constantly coming out.

I've never felt the need to announce myself, because I guess I feel like it's obvious, and yet I get weird or surprised looks when I mention finding a woman hot or dating a girl. "Weren't you married?" To a man is implied, even though same sex marriage has been legal in this state for over a decade. (I was married to a man, as a Cis woman, so I suppose what's obvious to me wasn't to the masses, but that's not my problem.)

I never think about beforehand, while alluding to my queerness offhand, matter-of-fact; it's only in the aftermath, getting funny looks and less than favorable reactions that I think, "should I have said that?" Not really my problem though.

The only struggle I've had, bisexuality wise, was all the gay friends I had in the 00s telling me I was straight, and that the number of girls I'd slept with meant nothing if I'd only ever seriously dated men. At the time I thought, that's fair, they would know, right? Now, looking back, I'm a little mad about it, sometimes. No one says that anymore though.

Truth is, now that I'm older, I realize that although I'm equally attracted to all genders sexually, I am romantically attracted to no one. That's the hard part.

"Weren't you married?" Yeah, and now I'm divorced. I didn't MIND being married, it was kind of fun - like having a roommate  and sex buddy all in one. (Turns out the spouse boy saw it a little differently. Luckily, he's not mad anymore, even though we're no longer roommates or sex buddies, we are the bestiest still. I think you can't go through a divorce without coming out either enemies or comrades in arms, but maybe that's just me. Maybe people shouldn't get married because of existential ennui though, or for the vine. Me, I'm people.)

Anyway, the bisexuality was never an issue, regardless of what other people thought. Whether you're a man or a woman or both or neither, yes, I will sleep with you if I think you're hot and/or funny enough. It's what comes after that's the problem. I won't remember your birthday, I will not buy you flowers, and I won't be upset if you like someone else or someone else likes you. I won't call, I won't text, and if I buy you a present just because I was thinking of you it will probably be coffee (I will randomly buy you coffee at least once a year, especially if I've forgotten you hate coffee). I have never in my life remembered an anniversary, or usually even known when it was. Sometimes, I will randomly appear for a booty call, and you'll think it's a romantic surprise, but the only surprise is it's just a booty call. I don't like to cuddle and I hate holding hands, and this seems to offend or baffle people the most  because I'm soft and small and delicate looking. But really, I just want to be left alone.

THIS was my struggle. Coming to terms with liking women wasn't a thing for me - it was as simple as kissing a girl on a dare at age 18 and thinking "oh wow, this is also hot. I've been missing out."

The Aro thing is - no one understands it. "But you dated! A LOT! You were Married!" Yeah, well, I didn't know some people just don't fall in love. I figured I'd eventually be comfortable with romance through like, exposure therapy or whatever. And maybe some Aro people are more comfy in this disease ridden social climate being exclusive (for myself, I haven't had a closed relationship since high school, but that's a whole other can of worms).

I also get: But you read romance! Excessively! Yeah, well, some people are obsessed with murder mysteries but most of them aren't murderers or detectives or little old ladies with typewriters and a suspicious trail of death. It's fun when it's other people!

Then I get: It sounds like you're emotionally constipated, immature, and need to learn to be vulnerable. Oooooh buddy. It sounds like you need to get the fuck off my dick.

Anyway.

I wish a polycule would just adopt me, like some kind of human cat or something, where I can come and go as I please without the full burden of possibly being someone's sole romantic interest. Because I do crave touch sometimes, and I do miss a steady sex partner, but I'm never going to be fully present. Going into relationships stating I'm not going to be the ideal girlfriend always ends messy, because either I'm not believed or it's taken as a challenge. It's so frustrating.

Anyway, those are the perils of being Aro but not Ace I guess.

I just needed to scream into the void a bit.

[self-proclaimed-best-blog]

I think I'm gay.

Admission post for future me. I'm glad nobody follows this page.

But I think I'm seriously considering it.

I think girls are pretty. But I can never bring myself to be attracted to women. I was all like "HYUK HYUK IM A BOOBS GUY!!!" but I'm unsure if that was ever true. Maybe it is true? Is it? Do I really like ladies? Maybe it was the idea of liking ladies that made me think this.

I've never flirted or dated anyone before. I don't know what it's like to be with anyone in particular.

But I believe I was caught up in being like the rest of the crowd. Or trying to. I was never girl crazy. I always just thought attraction was very little and not deep. Because I tried hard to stray away from the idea of liking other men, I never considered being in love or crushing on anyone was more than a "They're pretty and kinda nice I dig their vibe so I'll romance them". That got me thinking about what it was like to date a girl. I thought it was just like super close friends but you buy roses, kiss sometimes and maybe wear a suit while your lady wears white and you kiss under some church alter.

But apparently, that's not all there is to it. Shocker!

I found myself deep diving into 80s cheesy romance movies which led to romance cartoons, and romance comics to romance anime and manga recently. I never really liked that crap (at least the romance part of it ) much in all honesty. In retrospect it was probably me not being able to like relate to the characters. (The characters typically being a woman and a man)

But recently I found some stupid nerd anime-movie about two dudes. And I felt something. I thought something that wasn't "oh good for them" "Wow they seem happy" "They work well together" "They deserve a happy ending" in a very non-chalant and statement of fact sorta way. No, it was much more of a feeling rather than a thought. Something that made the gears in my head turn. It made me wanna giggle and kick my feet. It made me invested and feel connected to these characters. I think it made me wish it was me. (I know, a whole ass male admitting to being giddy like a little girl, that's crazy)

I was like "Huh. That's weird." and I haven't stopped thinking about it.

So I kept thinking and thinking. I looked more into queer media. I looked into bibliographies of gay people and their early life experiences.

I'm really uncomfortable about how familiar these things sounded to my own desires and life.

Over the course of the month I absorbed more media that has to do with gay dudes. Just sweet stuff about falling in love and slice of life. I found some ones I like a lot. like genuinely love these. They felt comforting and relatable. They felt genuine and hit right at home for me... A lot of these things even had making out and holding on tight to each other during emotional moments. When I watched shows, movies or read books that have a straight couple just kissing or connecting like that, I felt... uncomfortable. I assumed it was just me being immature and not getting over that "KISSING IS GROSS!!!" phase that little kids have around the ages of 6-12. But I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. I felt warm inside. It made me yearn for something I never even before considered. It made me want affection. It made me wanna be held. But not just by anyone. By another man. It felt like my heartstrings were being tugged at and violently pulled instead of barely strummed. It's a feeling I can't shake.

It's not even inherently sexual either. I just wanna be loved I think. But being loved by a woman doesn't seem as good as being loved by another guy.

I don't wanna express this. I wanna continue on like i was a couple months ago. Very infatuated with the idea of liking girls even if I didn't have any genuine interest in getting with one. At least I was oblivious and happy. Most of my friends are part of the LGBTQ+ so I don't know why I feel so... bad. Why I feel so bad about feeling this way when I know 90% of my homies would support me and help me feel comfortable in any way they could. It's not the coming out to them part that scares me. It's accepting myself that does. I don't think I wanna be this way but I think it's undeniable now. And yet I still try to shove denial and excuses down my own throat. I can't push it back or suppress it now that it's all up in my face now.

THIS IS SO CONFUSING. 💀

I just feel guilty.

Sick to my stomach guilty. I threw up about this the other day actually. I don't understand.

I got a haircut by the way.

[majorbitchwillgraham]

Peculiar Feelings

Tristan and Galahad are unaware that their feelings are reciprocated, but it turns out well for them in the end :) A short story of cute gay knights. It is also on AO3 where I’m the same username

(I found this picture on pinterest but if anyone knows who did the manip/edit I will gladly give credit!) Manip by: haanigram

Galahad walked angrily away from the town's tavern, a big frown on his face and his fists clenched. Bors had made fun of him again and Lancelot had followed even more, it is not that he didn't like joking around or wasn't used to being surrounded by his drunk friends, it was mostly the subject that they had chosen to pick on him... underestimating him because of his age, again.

But another thing fueled his frustration, perhaps something he wouldn't like to admit though. He didn't have time to see if all of them were present when he was being made fun of, but the thought of a specific someone witnessing all that had certainly started to bother him, much to his dislike. Tristan. Why did it matter if he saw all that?, he asked himself, as if he didn't know the answer.

He was rushing past the stable when he heard:

"Tsk! Hey."

Recognizing the voice made him stop in his tracks, he turned to his left and there was Tristan. So he hadn't been present, good. He was arranging his battle armor, and apparently sharpening his sword, sitting next to the entrance.

"Hi," Galahad replied, trying not to be paralyzed by his fixed gaze.

"I can see something's bothering you?" Tristan offered, now looking down at his sword again. He had noticed the younger man's face, and could admit he was worried about him. Showing it, was another thing.

"Oh, what do you think?" Galahad complained, "they were saying again 'if he was only a couple years older he wouldn't have been so scared yesterday'".

Tristan frowned at him, simpathetically, and a second later his features softened again. He became thoughtful, looking at his sword again working out an answer. Galahad blinked at this, a familiar feeling on his stomach, because he liked it... he liked when his face did that.

"You know, a brave man is one who keeps going despite his fear. Maybe something they haven't noticed." Tristan then looked at him again, and Galahad had to remind himself to react because, he had just complimented him.

"Well thank you," Galahad nodded, then managed a smile and couldn't resist saying what he said next, "You recognize bravery because you are brave yourself."

This took Tristan by surprise, he looked up quickly, then raised an eyebrow with a small smile, revealing a bit of shyness. Galahad continued smiling at this, but soon started to feel nervous, as Tristan kept doing nothing but stare at him, and the younger man was disconcerted at how he couldn't think of anything else to say at the moment.

"I wanted to relax and sit next to the fire for a while before going to sleep, do you want to come?" Tristan asked confidently. Gods yes, Galahad thought.

"Yes, alright" he said that instead, trying to keep a casual attitude. Tristan nodded at him and led the way as they began to walk together.

"Yeah I suppose it won't be much fun going back while they are in that state, right?" Yes, this was definitely casual, Tristan thought to himself.

Much to Galahad's satisfaction, the place for the fire was outside town, making interruptions less likely, and the stars even brighter. They were both quiet as they sat down, Galahad didn't watch Tristan start up the fire, as he was lost in thought instead.

As much as he had wanted to deny his feelings for some time, the closer he was to Tristan, he noticed he cared less and less about hiding them. Here they were alone, like they had both secretly wanted for some time now. But what could be done about it? Tristan was content with the boy's presence finally close to him, although seeing the fire reflect on his thoughtful blue eyes filled his mind with countless possibilities, and ideas. And now they couldn't be ignored.

For a moment Galahad looked around towards the town, worried that their friends would notice their absence and start looking for them. But this moment was so peaceful that it didn't allow many worries to stay. They both looked at the night sky and the beautiful stars above them, then noticed the two of them were doing it; Galahad caught Tristan's look, who smiled briefly at him. Wow, that was like the first time he smiled in the entire week. Galahad smiled back calmly, then sighed and looked down as worrying thoughts arrived again.

"There are other things I'm not sure I'm so brave about"

"What's that, boy?" Tristan was genuinely interested, but Galahad didn't know how to even begin. What could he say?

"Tristan don't you ever get... peculiar feelings?" Like not wanting to ever get married. Not wanting marriage because that always meant, marrying a woman. This was a peculiar feeling indeed, in these times they were living. Who else could have these peculiar feelings?

"I'm not sure I know what you mean," Tristan fiddled with his hands. Of course he knew, but he didn't know that was what he was talking about.

Galahad let out a laugh partly in impatience and partly in frustration. Now this mattered, that Tristan could understand. Well, even if he wasn't getting it, at least this feeling of trust between them was pleasant and new.

Screw it, he was going to go for it or he wasn't. Tristan had just smiled for him and called him brave some moments ago, things couldn't go that wrong?

"Would it matter to you if I died in battle?" Galahad didn't even look at him when he asked it, it would have been distracting, but he also didn't see Tristan had made a brand new expression just for him again.

"Everyone would be deeply affected by seeing such a talented man die at this young age.."

"Would it matter to YOU, regardless of what age I was?..." Galahad pointed out almost exasperatedly.

Tristan was invaded by a profound silence, seconds passed and he seemed to be perplexed, looking at the fire as if he had just been paralized. Gods, what was he thinking. Galahad looked away. Why had he even asked. Now he had to apologize to the older man and pretty much beg him not to tell the other knights about this-- but as Galahad turned to look at him his heart nearly skipped a beat as he found Tristan now closer, their knees almost touching, and his face already turned towards him.

"Dear boy, it would." Tristan said, as he looked at him earnestly, cupped his face and leaned in to kiss him.

Galahad gasped when he felt the other man's lips on his, but to his surprise soon a different feeling started to invade him, a mixture of relief, happiness and strenght that filled him with confidence and incited him to be playful, and not anymore grumpy when facing any difficulty life threw at him. This felt very much like what Arthur had told him about that other day, "the glory after a won battle", something that in fact, had nothing to do with the previous day.

Galahad melted into the kiss and ran his hand along that hair he had wanted to touch so many times. He also never thought the feeling of another man's beard would feel so good. This might have been his imagination, but Tristan felt so soft. He deserved something..good. Galahad slid his tongue into the other man's mouth, and couldn't believe it when he shuddered, tensed and pulled away a little almost instinctively. Galahad laughed breathlessly and quietly, their foreheads pressed against each other's.

"Come on, you have cut open the guts of your countless enemies, but can't even kiss a boy properly?" He giggled, and could almost feel Tristan turning red.

"Fine."

Tristan returned the kiss with equal passion, making the younger man moan softly. He slid a hand into his chest through his loose shirt, with the absolute intention to make Galahad shudder as well, and succeding at it. Galahad's hands now grabbed at Tristan's hair. Then the older man's hand left Galahad's chest to caress along his exposed leg, and Tristan had to pull away a little again, an obligatory pause marvelling at his young beauty.

"You feel so good," Tristan sighed.

"So do you," Galahad whispered to him, eager for whatever was coming next, one of his hands now holding onto Tristan's side.

Tristan kissed him again, and Galahad let him push them down against the grass. There wasn't a trace of his past concerns, and even future concerns didn't threaten him as much anymore, all that mattered was the warmth of their bodies close together. Galahad smiled in bliss as he felt Tristan kissing his neck, excited about the new life they had chosen and awaited them.

[geniuslab]

Ignore this if it's too personal. How did you notice that you are into girls too? Sometimes I think I'm bi because I find pretty girls everywhere I think that women are usually prettier than men and I'm very picky with men but idk I've never been in a relationship and I haven't had a crush with someone from real life ages ago my current crush is Yoongi lmao Idk I wanted to know your experience because I feel I can trust you. I'm kind of sad I feel like I'll be alone forever

hi!! i don’t mind sharing my experience! i’ll put it under a read more because it’s kinda long i’m sorry nfkhnfdkh 

let me start by saying it was a bit of a journey for me, and i got very confused at points, and it’s natural to face that when you’re questioning your sexuality.

i first started noticing it in small things, like i’d see a really pretty girl and i’d get a little nervous and start having thoughts about wanting to kiss her but i thought i was totally straight and those thoughts almost made me feel guilty. i didn’t really understand them?? or like i’d see victoria’s secret models and i’d wanna look but i’d be like god don’t look too hard or people will think you’re into girls fndhknfdh. like the fact that i had to internally argue with myself was sort of the first clue. and then, not to be tmi, but i started watching lesbian porn and reading more lesbian smut. and i’d still tell myself “i bet lots of straight people do this” which i guess some do but clearly i was attracted to women sexually.

i definitely battled a lottttttt of internalized homophobia. i always considered myself an “ally” but i never realized what society had kinda bred into me. i supported gay rights, but i couldn’t accept that i myself might be gay. it makes me insanely sad to think back on it, but i learned and grew and got past it. i eventually ended up talking to one of my best friends who identified as bisexual, and i remember i was literally shaking when i wrote to her asking how she knew and then i told her i thought i might be bi. she helped me through a lot of it, listened to my thoughts and validated them. and honestly after that point, things got a lot easier. i sorta dipped my toes into the label, just to see how it felt. i started out thinking i was just sexually attracted to women, that i could see myself sleeping with one but not actually dating one. then i became more comfortable with the thought of dating women but i still leaned heavily toward men. then i started developing real crushes on women, and wanting to date them, and then i got into a relationship with one. and after that ended, i found myself falling for more and more women fdhnfdk and i kinda fell in love with one, and then i realized like wow holy shit i could totally marry a woman one day.

it took time, i don’t think i fully embraced being bisexual until i was ummmm 23? i doubted myself a lot, i thought i was faking it somehow, and at other times i thought i might be a lesbian (i lean heavily toward women atm, which i guess can fluctuate, bi isn’t always 50/50). it’s perfectly normal to be confused and unsure. which is why i think kinda testing out labels, dating new people, etc. can be really helpful!! 

as far as never having been in a relationship and not having a crush for a while, i completely understand why you feel kind of sad and worry you might be alone forever. but i promise you won’t be, sometimes it just takes time for the right person to come along! i’m single rn and i was literally just crying last night to my friends about how i’m unlovable and i’ll be alone forever fndkhnfdh so i relate, but sometimes you’ve just gotta put a little faith into the universe that things will work out okay :(

if you have any questions or wanna talk to me one on one i’m always here for you bb. i hope you figure out what feels comfy for you, whether that’s being bisexual, or straight, or something else. you’re gonna be okay

[deludedandlostcause]

hiii so through my teens i always idolised girls over boys like celebs and stuff and i thought it was because i had low self esteem and wanted to look like them. and tbh i never really thought about it because i always had crushes on boys but there were also a couple of girls in school that i thought "wow" but again i thought i was just kind of envious of them. i was always really passionate about gay rights and same love obviously as a larrie but it felt like more than that. (1)

(2) i never let myself think i was anything other than straight because i didn't have experience with anything anyway and i didn't want to stress myself out more. but probably last year i really started thinking about it because i had a lot of time on my own. i know what attraction feels like and i feel it towards girls like when i'm watching something for example and one of the actresses is really beautiful i /feel/ it just the same as if i liked a boy.

(3) it's hard when you don't get out a lot and you haven't experienced things but i'm pretty sure i know what i'm feeling. and even if i was never with a girl i'm still valid. i didn't label myself for ages but i think I'm bi 💖 I've talked about it to my sister and people here but that's all. sending you love 💞💞 this was actually really freeing thank you xxx ✔

Hellooo, sweetheart. Oh my god you’re the cutest, thank you so much for sharing! You seem to have such a positive outlook on life, or at least regarding your sexuality... It’s really refreshing to see and you’re absolutely right: you’re completely valid regardless if you’ve never been with a girl, if you only ever been with girls or boys or neither. You’re whole and amazing ❤️ I hope people around you have been supportive. I’m so happy you found talking about this freeing! Thank you again 🥰 

[closetedlesbianthoughts]

i can't tell if i'm bi or if it's just coercive het feelings bc like ever since i realized i like girls i haven't had a crush on a boy but at the same time the previous crushes i've had felt so real but thEn there's the fact that even when i was younger i never really pictured ending up with a guy and i still can't but sometimes i still kinda think abt it and i'm like "do i just rlly wanna be friends with this person or do i have a crush on them" and i just cannOt tell and idk what to do

as a lesbian, let me tell you— i also knew from a very young age that i didn’t want to marry a guy, and i just thought i was super Independent and Feminist and wanted to be single forever wow go me!! and turns out i was super gay all along; i just wasn’t able to realize my feelings for girls as romantic until much later. and i literally have the same exact problem where i can’t tell if i want to really be friends with a girl or have a crush on her— but almost all of the time it’s because i have a really bad crush on her and i’m just trying to repress it by telling myself i just want to be friends with her. 

general advice: if you’re thinking about her a Lot of the time— as in multiple times a day, even if you haven’t seen her that much, and thinking that you wish you could hang out with her or see her more— you probably have a crush on her. 

also: even if you’ve had crushes on guys in the past, if you’re only interested in dating girls in the future, it’s fine to identify as a lesbian!

this answer was kind of heavy on my personal experiences but i hope it was relevant to you! let us know if you need anything else :)