#I honestly just watched twin peaks last year

[the-orange-tabby-cat]

Wednesday: Part II

joel miller x fem!reader

Summary: For the last 5 years, every Wednesday you watched a handsome man walk by your street with a lilac bouquet in hands. Except he doesn't stroll on your street this Wednesday, he shows up at your grief support group.

read on AO3 | fic masterlist | masterlist |  next chapter

Rating: mature, allusions to sex (not yet in the series)

Warnings/Tags: No outbreak AU, Grief and its implications, Reader lost her mom, Reader's mom has a name (but no physical description), Group therapy, Grief support group, Parent grief, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Slow Build, Fluff, No use of y/n

Chapter Word count: 3,6k

II. BUTTERCUPS

In how many boxes could you put your whole life? Your mom could do it in 12. There are 12 boxes in your living room, all about her. You’ve been ignoring it since the day you put everything inside them and said to yourself that you could do it in another moment when grief didn’t overwhelm you. It has been over 5 years.

You peaked the boxes here and there over the years, of course. You left part of them between your apartment storage and Grandpa’s house, who was much more in day with them. He gathered the memories, cleaned up the gunk and decided to hold on only to what it was personal — her handwritten recipes, the photo albums, her favorite record.

It was Henry’s idea to review all these boxes, he had helped his parents to move and leave his childhood house behind, including Sam’s room.

“I have my own place, Sam didn’t live with me, and look at how I’m doing. Thought my parents could move on easier if they didn’t have his bedroom waiting for him, you know? They cleaned up a bit after, you know, but his things were there still. I got to myself some of his comics and one of his action figures, everything else we donated.” He said to you last grief support group meeting while sipping coffee.

“How do you feel now?” You asked in a small voice.

“Like some weight left my shoulders, honestly. His stuff is just stuff, they aren’t him. The meaning behind it is what makes us cling to it. I prefer to have memories of him than have everything waiting for his return.”

You nodded in guilty of the boxes waiting for your review. If your mom didn’t accumulate so much while raising you, traveling, meeting people, maybe you wouldn’t be in this position of choosing which things you could keep.

“You should do it too, give it a try.” Henry smiled tightly and went to sit in the circle. You sighed and texted your uncle if he was free that weekend.

And here you are, with 12 boxes opened and ready for you. Uncle Michael has been an angel, trying to make this somewhat easier on you. After Grandpa, the family moved on quickly from it. They found themselves back on a routine, on their daily habits and she became a memory, not a constant. He lived his grief privately, never speaking in detail with you both because he knew that neither was ready for it. He was more than happy to help you with the boxes, even more if it meant to get you out of the perpetual grief inside your apartment.

The twins came with him, another good thing since they were playing with the cat and leaving you and your uncle alone with the 12 boxes. Too many things, you were already lost on it.

“Okay, kiddo, have you ever done this before?” You shook your head still looking at the boxes. “Don’t worry. Abby and I had to do this to grandma’s stuff, it’ll be like a band-aid. The sooner you rip it off, the better, alright?”

“What have you done with grandma’s things? Like… Have you donated? Gave to people close to her? How do you choose what to keep?” You asked putting both hands on your hips and trying to choose which box to start from.

“We choose to keep whatever we had attached memories to it. It wasn’t my idea, of course, Abby led it. She separated what we would be heartbroken to lose and everything else we gave away. Do you know how many dishcloths grandma had? Over a 100, I counted myself.”

You laughed at the memory of your mom calling you to say she had never seen that many dishcloths inside the same drawer. She sounded happy in that call, not emotionally drenched from running her mother’s stuff. You can do it.

12 boxes became 3 piles as the afternoon became night. Uncle Michael made a pile of everything that he would donate to the Salvation Army, a second pile for the things he would keep for him (you almost started a fight for her harmonica, but he knew how to play it and you had no clue) and third one for what you choose to keep.

Her sea animal drawings, some technical books, her jewelry box, her fridge magnets and postcard collections, got even an old cardigan that she would always use in winter inside the house. You did feel lighter like it wasn’t no longer in the back of your mind that at some point you would have to open every single box and be reminded that she was no longer here.

Uncle Michael was still separating some books to donate when a picture fell from one of them. You saw a little girl’s face and smiled at how much of her features she still in her mature face after growing up. He nodded for you to get closer to the picture.

“Look it. You kinda looked alike, see?” He pointed to some parts of her face, the ones you haven’t noticed in you in a while. You couldn’t help but smile at it.

“Never saw this. Does it have a date?” Uncle Michael turned the picture and in a corner you could read May, 1972. “She was an only child yet.”

“Yeah, that’s why she is smiling, still had some peace,” you both laughed at it. With a smile on his lips, Uncle Michael put the picture in your hands. “You should give it to Grandpa. He is always at his office, this picture is from a window near his table, see? I think he would like to have it.”

You pondered about it, if his behavior had some connection to the picture just like Joel’s lilacs were still connected to Sarah. Joel. You haven’t seen him in a while, mostly getting updates here and there from Tess. Maybe he was busy with his own set of boxes too, cleaning up his baggage a box at a time.

Ink moves faster in the paper getting shape little by little. You are near the catering listening to Henry’s story, but your mind is focused on taking every detail of Joel’s side profile. 

He is oblivious to it, lost in his thoughts to notice you drawing him from afar. Rare are the moments he allows himself to come to the grief support group meetings, you can count on your fingers how many times you saw him on Wednesdays since his first time.

“Since when did you become an artist?” Henry teases you as he tries to sneak a peek at your sketchbook, gaining a push from you.

“I already told you, this is for therapy. I won’t show you shit.” Closing the sketchbook, you move around the table trying to look busy as Joel walks in your direction.

You are getting bolder with every new interaction, including bringing your sketchbook for the grief support group just in case you run into him. Not that you would ever share your drawings with him, that would be creepy. Some habits are private, not shared.

 Joel, despite being unaware of the impact he has on you, seems to be getting more comfortable in your presence as well. His hair is a little shorter than the last time you saw him, months ago. You miss the curls but enjoy how his square jaw is more evident. His smile is genuine and you can’t help but smile back. There is some calming quality about him, something that makes you want to stay by his side whenever he shows up at these meetings. And this is exactly what you do.

“Want some coffee? Black, right?” You ask but start to pour right away, not waiting for his response.

“Thank you. Have you seen Tess? She said to meet her here.” His eyes don’t avoid yours, holding to the weight of your stare as he tastes the coffee.

“Didn’t she say something about a doctor’s appointment earlier today?”              Henry tries to remember and Joel frowns a bit but quickly vanishes from his face when Frank gets everyone to sit in the circle.

Today is a special meeting, the type you avoid every year, a death anniversary kind of meeting. You know it from before coming here because Hannah made sure to say every five minutes last week. And here she is, looking bright as new even if it is her sister’s death anniversary.

You shouldn’t judge how someone mourns their dead ones, your mom raised you better than that, and yet there is an uncontained jealousy spreading all over your body at how easily Hannah can use a dreadful date as a sweet reminder of her sister’s life.

You are lost on her words, still clinging to your jealousy of how easygoing she is about it. She is speaking nonstop and you wish nothing but to shut her up.

“She planned it, you know. Her funeral. I hated her for it, making my nephew and I think of her in this position. She had been struggling to breathe in her palliative care and still found time to make us understand that her death wouldn’t mean the absence of her in our lives. I try to make him still feel her around as time goes by.

“This is a buttercup from her funeral wreath, she chose herself the yellow because it was our bedroom color when we were growing up. I saved this one for me, I keep it on my nightstand as if we were still little girls sharing a room.”

The dried flower was sitting delicately in her hands, she held it with such care that you felt bitter for having envied her. There were unshed tears in her eyes, you wondered what was worse: losing a loved one violently, abruptly, or seeing them slowly dying without being able to help?

Being able to say goodbye, to cherish a final moment, was something that you couldn’t have with your mom. What would you say to someone you knew it was about to die? No idea but it is glued to your mind since you realized through the meetings that everyone has a final moment with their loved one, whether they choose or not.

You can’t remember your final words to your mom. You hope it was “I love you”.

Tess joins the meeting in a hurry, sunglasses on even if it is evening. Without a word, she plops next to Joel (who was kind enough to spare a spot next to him) and dismisses any question he might have with a hand before crossing her arms.

His eyes search for yours in a “Do you know something about it?” just to receive a “not a clue” from you. In your slow friendship, you became able to identify the meaning behind his frowns, even more so since Joel appears to be always worried about something.

Hannah finishes her sharing and tucks delicately the dried buttercup back into her purse, with that the atmosphere shifts back to the regular meeting state but your mind drifts to Hannah and her sister's last moments.

Did they plan her final day? Was Hannah with her in her final breath? What were her sister’s final words? Part of you want answers because maybe, just maybe, they won’t make you feel jealous anymore.

Joel’s eyes are boring into yours, you notice as you move from Hannah’s purse back to him. The perpetual frown is there, now asking you “Are you okay?” and you nod just once in response. He doesn’t take it as true but gets his attention back to Frank as the man starts to speak.

“Thank you, Hannah. Bringing with you the buttercup was very sweet, thank you for sharing.” Frank affirmation dawns on you, the woman brought with her the last connection with her sister from such a private space of her life and you are here feeling jealous.

Your hand goes straight to the necklace resting on your neckline. The small starfish pendant that your mother gave to you as a graduation gift, “You’ll always be my star, baby” she said as she hugged you. What if you lost it one day? Would you also lose another part of her?

“Tess, glad you could get here in time. The space is yours.” Frank smiles sweetly to a groaning Tess.

“Yeah, okay. Let me just, sh-,” she angrily moves in her chair and gets a flyer from her back pocket, shoving it in Joel’s hand to move around. “Santa Lucia Hospital is low on blood donations, again. It wouldn’t be a surprise to some of you the amount of times I went on emergency and needed one of those. So yeah, I spoke with Frank and Henry earlier, we’re thinking about doing something to help their campaign to get more donors.”

Henry’s arms are resting on his knees as he nods to Tess’ words. “If you can donate, please do. One bag can help up to three people.”

He once lost his baby brother to sickness too, just like Hannah. You never questioned Henry about his final words to Sam, just like you never envied him for being able to say goodbye. You saw behind his actions how much Sam’s presence was a ghost he was still struggling to deal with. It made so much sense that he, from all the people in the grief support group, would help this cause.

“You can count on me for it.” You spoke right away, but the same second that a smile appeared on your lips, it froze as you noticed a stare exchange between Frank, Henry, and Tess. “What?”

“This is a state campaign. The hospital receives people from all over Texas, they’ll be holding the main donation in Houston. At the beach.” Frank stated with a sad smile.

You faded little by little. Most of the group knew about your situation, except a few people like Joel who was frowning at you in anticipation. 

“It's okay, guys. Really. I can donate at the hospital here in Austin, maybe help with the logistics overall before the campaign day?” It was fine, it was. At least you tried to tell yourself that as you held once more the starfish pendant.

“That would be lovely, I’m sure we’ll need as much help as possible.” Frank tried to amend it before choosing another person to speak.

Later on, when everyone was getting ready to leave, you felt a warm hand on your shoulder. Turning around, you faced Joel somewhat closer than you have ever been to him before. You tried to keep your cool hoping he didn’t notice.

“Tess asked me to tell you that if you need help delivering the materials for the campaign, you can use my truck.” He said almost whispering, like a secret that only you could hear.

“Thanks, Joel. Can I have your number? So I can sort out the logistics.” You tried hoping for a yes and received an eager nod.

In a weird circumstance, you met Joel on a Friday. You had to check your calendar a few times, just to make sure, but yes, he would meet you soon enough on a Friday morning, 8 am.

He cleared his whole day to focus on Tess’ campaign, you knew they were best friends and it just reinforced that. His truck was parked in the university lot, near the lab where you were still finishing some analysis as you waited for him.

He knocked at the glass window, gaining your attention. You made a quick gesture for him to wait before proceeding to take the gloves and your coat before walking out the door.

“Hey, Joel. Thank you for coming by to get everything, I put the stuff in the office, c’mon.” You started to guide him through the university’s corridor, but he was still looking into the lab from the window. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, let’s go,” he quickly replied following your steps. 

“It’s these t-shirts and the stress balls, I put everything in that corner.” You pointed to the other side of the room, as you opened the door for him to enter. 

Joel’s eyes were taking in the wall decor: your mom’s sea animal drawings, some shells at the table close to the exposed shark cranium. The office screamed marine biologist, or at least that you should be out there at the sea.

He must have noticed and kept to himself, too polite to get in your business. The comfortable silence filled the room as you collected all the materials before making the way back to the truck, but you could feel him thinking about it. Why the hell would a woman who studies the sea and their animals have a problem with being at the beach?

You faced that question whenever someone asked you to do on-site research, which you would politely recuse. For years the head professor of the department tried to tag you along, but you would say a harsh no. You were happy with reviewing papers, doing your best at the university’s lab, avoiding the sea breeze directly on your face.

Joel glanced once or twice at your face as you kept your eyes staring in front of you, too afraid of his reaction to your small secret.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us? I can give you a ride.” He asked simply, opening the truck so you could put everything there.

“Yeah, I’m sure. Send my love to everyone, will you?” With a smile, you tried to get your shit together. 

He smiled back before hopping in the driver's seat, leaving you alone with your thoughts and memories. Is not like you couldn’t get back to the beach, you could. The sand between your toes, the water splashing around, how the boat moves between the waves… You missed everything dearly, but couldn’t be there. Not yet, at least.

The day went by, nothing new happened. When you getting ready to leave the university, your phone lit up with a new notification from Joel’s number.

Got a big one for your collection, x

 He wrote with an image of a big pink shell, almost the size of his hand, attached. A grin appeared on your face automatically, as if it was the first time you saw one of those.

I love it! It’s so pretty! Thank you, you wrote back still shocked he took his time to go shell searching for you. 

Maybe this is why you decided to open those 12 boxes, to create room for new objects and the memories they represent as you live.

“You are late,” Grandpa mumbles as you enter the room. There is a gift carefully wrapped in your hand but he doesn’t care, he is too busy staring at your face in search of a motive.

“Yes, I am. Got caught up on work, sorry.” You place the gift next to him not minding to justify your actions longer, he hates excuses even when they are true.

Today isn’t the case. Deep down you know he knows you lied about work, too much time in a family event without her doesn’t sit right with you. She was the glue between you all, conversations don’t run as easily as before.

You already greeted everyone when entering the house, from your uncle to your cousins who still give you a sympathetic look at these family gatherings. They can sense your discomfort from afar, no matter how much you try to sound interested in their lives you can’t keep up with them, you can barely keep up with Grandpa.

There’s laughing and chattering next door, your uncle is retelling some old family joke. You can almost hear the sound of her laughing with them. Grandpa must read your mind as unwraps the gift.

“You know, Abby’s favorite spot to hide was behind the curtains of that window. I could always find her there after a long day. I think I use here as a hiding place too, she found a good spot for clearing the mind.”

His voice was soft just like his gaze between you and the paper he was tearing apart, revealing a picture in a gold frame. You didn’t hesitate to frame a picture of your mom when a girl leaning from behind these curtains as a birthday gift after Uncle Michael's commentary.

“Found it in one of her boxes, I think she stole it from grandma. Thought it should be here in your office, not in a cardboard box in my storage room.” 

Grandpa nodded as his thumb was caressing the little girl’s face. Her toothless grin, the dimple on her cheek, everything made Grandpa travel back in time.

“I took this photo, did you know that? She lost her tooth earlier that day and felt ugly without it. Found her here and took some photos as she giggled, showing that beautiful smile.” His other hand found yours, holding it tightly. “Thank you.”

“Happy birthday, Grandpa.” You replied ignoring the tightness in your throat as you watched his face lighten up. “Do we still have cake?”

He placed the frame at his desk, facing the window’s curtains, and got up from the chair guiding you to the laugh in the kitchen. The cake with candles signing 84 was right in the middle, you scootch yourself to a corner as everyone found a space around the kitchen’s island to sing Happy Birthday. Glancing around, you made mental notes about the smiles on their faces, the lightness of your grandpa’s eyes looking back at his family. He was living the moment, not holding on to the past just like a second ago.

When Grandpa blew out the candles, you made a wish too: to allow yourself to feel peace, not just longing.

prev | next

Taglist: @islacharlotte, @anoverwhelmingdin, @aquanatalie

[s-u-g-a-r-rush1997]

I told you I'd get revenge on Felix, for, uh...

Being taller than I assumed, I guess? Honestly, I'm not even sure. But I had a crush on this guy as a kid, and he's honestly adorable as hell.

I don't tend to ship Felix and Turbo, but I do like the dynamic. I feel like, if anything, they were at least familiar with each other. Felix was the first to recognize Turbo, after all.

And They Were Neighbors

Pairing: Felix x Turbo

Rating: Slightly suggestive

Warnings: None

It likely started out of courtesy. Polite small talk and a pie as a welcome to the arcade. It's something Felix might not have gotten when he was first plugged in.

My personal headcanon is that Fix-it Felix the arcade game was made in 1981, as it reminds me quite a lot of Donkey Kong, a game released in that year. Arcades were at their peak in the late 1970s and early 1980s. Felix might have been among the first to be plugged in, and as such, would have never gotten that warm welcome.

So it's significant to him. Especially if Turbo Time is either his first neighbor on that side, or possibly even a replacement for a game that had to get unplugged.

The Turbo Twins adore him. He's sweet, overall pleasant to talk to, and he brought them pie. They're just as loud and competitive as Turbo, just not nearly as aggressive about it, so I think they'd get along just fine.

Turbo, on the other hand, doesn't get along with Felix initially, at all.

Everything's a competition to him. It's baked into his code. So with Fix-it Felix Jr. being a particularly popular game, he can't help but see Felix as a rival.

Felix is a pretty passive man, though. I don't think he'd just sit there idly if Turbo decided to outright insult him, but he'd be the last person to pick a fight.

It pisses Turbo off. From his perspective, Felix isn't taking the whole rivalry thing seriously. In fact, he's actively brushing him aside.

The first time he curses in front of Felix, which likely wouldn't be too long into their first conversation, Felix scolds him for it. Tells him to watch his language.

Absolutely curses in front of Felix just to try and make him mad.

That's not to say Felix doesn't curse. I think he probably tries his hardest not too, but some of the Nicelanders - and Turbo of course - have some pretty foul mouths, and phrases and words tend to rub off on people if you hang around them long enough.

Turbo loses his shit laughing the first time Felix curses.

Teases Felix, of course. How could he not? Felix has likely censored and scolded him multiple times at this point for cursing.

This is likely the only time Turbo has actually managed to fluster the man so thoroughly.

Oh boy, once he learns Felix is susceptible to teasing, it's over.

Teasing turns to flirting real darn quick. Flirting turns to little touches. Red is very much Turbo's color, but he enjoys seeing it on Felix.

Felix will flirt back, once he gets a good enough hold on himself. It's probably something cheesy and sappy, but it's enough to take Turbo off guard.

The two of them kiss. Felix initiates, much to Turbo's - and his own - surprise.

Turbo absolutely bites during and/or after the kiss. He's absolutely a biter and I stand by that.

Regardless, this whirlwind romance - if you can even call it romance - likely doesn't last too long. It's 1982 when the two first meet, and 1987 at the time of the Roadblasters incident. It's only really five years that they have to get to know each other.

For video game characters who are essentially immortal barring any surprise power outages and unpluggings, who can spend years without any change in personality, doing the same thing every single day and still find joy in it, five years is pretty short.

Still, it hurts. He was starting to like Turbo.

To see him again after witnessing first hand what Turbo had done, to have believed him dead, would hurt like hell.

I think he'd be okay, though. He has Calhoun. She knows what its like to lose someone you love, and she knows how badly it hurts to have old wounds reopened.

[love-that-we-were-in]

the harder the pain, the sweeter the sun

the aftermath of Luke's quest. or the consequences of not being a hero.

a/n: hello i didn't mean to be so sad on my entrance but we move! have fun (i'm so sorry)

It shouldn’t be like this, he thinks as he steps back across Camp Half-Bloods borders. There’s still the same mill of activity, archery and pegasi and swords grating against one another. Everything is exactly as it was when he left. Some people notice him as he makes his way towards his cabin - they don’t make small talk, what’s the point of that when he’s not the hero returned. His scar, still fresh, still raised and red across his face, feels heavy. It’s almost a beacon; a guiding light towards his failure. No one comments but he can feel it, the shift in energy as he walks past each cabin. Pity for the son of Hermes. 

His bunk is untouched. 

Collapsing onto the sheets, he glances around the space. It’s only him here, faced with his own reckoning and renown. His bunk is untouched but there’s two abandoned opposite, a careful stack of belongings at the end of each. Before dinner, he’ll change those sheets. He’ll pack Cora and Eric’s belongings into a box to stow away in the big house, amongst a dozen others he’s left there over the years, and he’ll burn shrouds to them with his campmates in the evening. 

Luke wonders, as he takes in the makeshift beds on the floor, if it was even worth coming back at all. 

Everyone moves on. Within days, there’s barely a mention of either of his quest companions. Both of them were unclaimed, watching their lives tick by in the two years he’d known them with little idea of who they were. The Stoll twins were given their beds upon their arrival at camp two days after he returned. They had been claimed, sent in the right direction by Hermes himself, and Luke despises the way he has to sit down with people he’s known for years and tell them they’re back to sleeping on the floor. Seniority is one thing - being claimed is more important. 

He trains. It’s the only thing he can do. There’s no pride that comes with failure. Some of the Ares kids jeer at him but none of them try to fight him, just watch as he fights with Annabeth like old times. Knife against sword. He trains and he studies and he watches as the floor of Hermes cabin becomes a minefield of belongings as summer peaks. 

Little will change between now and fall, he knows that with certainty. He’ll still be stuck burning food for his father, willing something to happen that will earn him a deserved quest. Maybe it’s foolish, this desire to try again, to keep going on quests until he returns from one he can say was his. Not a feat of Hercules, but a tale of Luke. He has camp glory, he needs more than that.

*

Summer ends, as it always did. He says goodbye to more cabinmates than anyone, standing at the edge of the borders until the sun is nearly setting in the sky. Thalia’s tree is behind him as the last kid leaves, an eleven year old girl that had done nothing more than stare with wide eyes every time he lifted a sword. He wonders if he’ll see her next June at all. 

“Back to basics again,” Annabeth says from behind him and he rolls his eyes as she shimmers into existence, baseball cap in hand. “Do you think it’ll get easier?”

He forgets sometimes that she’s still a kid. Wise beyond her years, a strategist to be admired, but just a kid. And a first time cabin counselor. She hasn’t said goodbyes like this before, to everyone she’s housed over three months. Teenagers that had looked to her as their leader, even if they didn’t understand her being given such power. Children who revered her position and her history as if she were a Greek tale herself.

Luke had understood it, had fought for it in April when Kieran Ho had sent word to Chiron that he wouldn’t be returning that summer. She had seemed so prepared to take on the role. He hadn’t realized that it might take more of an emotional toll than she was ready for. 

“Honestly,” he leans back against Thalia’s tree, surveying the camp below them as if he’s never seen it before. Annabeth glares at him for it. “It gets harder every year. It doesn’t end.”

“Some of those kids aren’t coming back.” Annabeth says it as a statement, a fact of life that they’ve both come to terms with. But there’s a shake to her voice, the kind saved only for when she’s terrified of being wrong, so he lets it linger in the air and get carried away. He thinks that’s answer enough. 

*

Winter Solstice comes and he feels ready. Months of only fighting Clarisse and Annabeth. Meals spent with the busiest table still, but with nothing to talk about. So long dedicated to being angry, to dreaming, to waking up in a cold sweat from everything he’s been given permission to see. 

He steals the bolt. It’s a simple plan, one he doubted originally, but it works a charm. There’s no questioning how important the Gods think of themselves anymore, how above everybody else they view themselves (literally and figuratively) to be. He escapes from floor 600 of the Empire State Building with the source of Zeus’ power in his possession and no one bats an eye. 

Annabeth will never have to come to terms with losing campers. Thalia’s sacrifice won’t be in vain the way it has been since his return. Hermes won’t be able to ignore him any longer, pretending as if being a glorified mailman means more than his son. By next summer, the world will already have begun to change. 

Trekking through Manhattan, he understands now why he was destined to fail against Ladon. What his scar will come to represent in years to come. Luke Castellan was never meant to steal an apple - he was destined, instead, to change history and with that, the world.

[cleoselene]

tagged by @lenny-kosnowski

last song you listened to: Electric Sun by VNV Nation

last movie you watched: Barbie, it's on MAX now so I checked it out again

currently watching: the news

other things you’ve watched this year: Silo, Quantum Leap, Severence, The Morning Show

currently reading: Twin Peaks: The Final Dossier

currently listening to: i mean I have the news on right now but generally? It's been a very Tori Amos year (which is every year tbh but this year I fell in love all over again). Also, fell back in love with VNV Nation when they released their first new album in five years. I'm also getting into Megan Thee Stallion. I am not into that much rap but I like her flow.

currently working on: a fic for my friend Twig, she's my audience of one lol. I don't really write fanfic for mainstream consumption.

current obsession: Twin Peaks for sure. I've been an obsession for like 25 years honestly but I finally watched The Return after waiting for idk, no good reason? But I have Paramount+ with Showtime and saw it on there so I rewatched the first two seasons + Fire Walk With Me before going to The Return. Now I'm reading The Final Dossier which is pretty illuminating and devouring theories and watching it all again from the beginning with my roommates. It's a very rewarding series to rewatch because there's so much that comes together only after you've consumed it all. It's really art in film/tv form, I've always been a fan of Lynch's work because he's interesting and his aesthetics are striking and the music is DIVINE.

It's been REALLY fun sharing it with my roommates. We're on 2x05. One roommate says he has no theories as to who killed Laura, the other says she thinks it's Ben Horne.

BOB is like, maybe the most scary horror villain of all time to me. I love the story of the dude just being a tech that David Lynch plucked up to be his big scary guy.

tagging @an-ivy-covered-summer @emmaswanned @swiftzeldas @mihrsuri @dchan87 @thebiscuiteternal @ouijawaydidhego

[kestrelteens]

People you'd like to know better

I was tagged by @paluding, thank you so much! ♥

Last song: MGMT- Bubblegum Dog

Favorite color: Can't really decide on one color, but this past year I've really been into earth tones!

Currently watching: The X files, it's honestly the best show ever and what surprised me is how many actors from Twin Peaks are in it! I love it so much ♥

Last movie: Bad Moms Christmas lmaoooo my partner and I love watching silly Christmas movies every night during the holidays

Currently reading: Nothing at the moment, but I've been trying to get my hands on The Lovely Bones for quite some time now.

Sweet/Spicy/Savory: It honestly just depends on my mood, I love all three!

Last thing I Googled: 'sims 4 actions cancelled automatically' lmao I've been playing ts4 for the past couple of days and those actions getting cancelled for no reason really annoy me. And what's with infants randomly in the middle of the road away from the house? :( x)

Current obsession: My partner and I have started making our own sourdough starter so I guess you could say we've been pretty obsessed with its growth lmao

Currently working on: Nothing at the moment, just been playing the game.

Tagging: everyone, don't want to accidentally forget about someone!

[socialistwh0r3vampir]

Tagged by @zaegreus

three ships: I'm going to cheat and say iwtv toxic polyclue but @lesbians4armand gotten me super into Armand x Daniel

Trixie Katya is edging out iwtv in terms of rpf in no small part to @tritzie

And my current rare pair are Tom Riddle paired with Lily Evens or/and Alphard Black thanks to @therealvinelle @heyob and @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin

first ship: it's probably Sarah x Jareth from labyrinth I was watching that movie as a literally baby and me and my mother love fairytales and folklore. It really clicked for me when I was 3 and my little brother started to have a personality and I was jealous of the attention he got I projected really hard onto Sarah and wanted to be her and be with her and both my parents have always listed after Bowie as an adult I still ship them and have read some incredible fanfic (one of which actually got an update after a year long hiatus when I mentioned it in a tag game lol). Honestly if you haven't seen labyrinth yet and your on Tumblr your a real weirdo if you want to see other people gush about David Bowie's cod piece definitely check out moviebitches review.

last movie: I'm partway though twin peaks again after seeing @tritzie rebloging a gif earlier today but the last film I finished 3 Women 1977 yesterday which I found through the Trixie Katya podcast and its wonderful if you like sissy spacek or Shelly Duvall it's definitely worth a watch if you like bizarre horror I really need to gif it so I can try to influence my beloved tumblrinas.

last song: currently listing to the brat album again after Jackson wagon dropped a video after a year long hiatus about the rollout of the album I found it really interesting as I've been a causal fan of hers since sucker dropped like a decade ago but I don't follow celebrities or artists and tend to hear titbits from irl/tumblr friends or video essays/deep dives. Last song not on the album was va Va Voom by Nicki cause my brains broken and it's been playing nonstop for months

Currently eating: cinnamon rolls (I forgot to convert from F to C for the first 5min of cook time so they are a lil brown on top but still good and a fancy yogurt

Currently craving: pulled pork slider Ive just put it in the oven and I've got 6hours left Im walking into town in a few hours to go to the food pantry and by the time I get back it should be ready but idk if they will have buns or if i should make them now (cause ill have to wait for them to rise for min 1hour). Ive wanted beef pho for a few weeks but my town doesn't sell it and the closest one is an hour bus away and they don't have regular hours or pick up the phone so it's not worth traveling all the way for nothing. I'm going to Vist my mother in the blue mountains in a few weeks if my dad's health is good enough shout out to Pho Moi in katoomba it's incredible (if u go be aware it full of tourists on weekends and school holidays and to get on the list for a table u have to write ur name in person) but it's $20 for a huge bowl with raw I share with my mum and often have leftovers to take home and it's the best flavor.

Tagging

@tritzie @namorssideburns @curlytemple @nationalvyvanseshortage @significationary @boag @dragonflylady77 @hetrophobic @wh0rebehavi0rmain @sumquiasum @jdeanmorgan @cuddle---buddy @cannibalisticcorpse @hauntingattheblackberrypatch @jackiegaytona

[all-or-nothing-baby]

8 GET KNOW ME BETTER/CATCH UP WITH ME QUESTIONS

tagged by @greyhavenisback. thanks love! <3

.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: currently single and honestly mostly very content with that, i just. miss kissing. bc kissing is nice. so, kind mutuals, kiss-o-gram for cassidy when? lol.

FAVOURITE COLOUR: petrol/gasoline tones. or the less ostentatious answer of purples and blues and greens.

SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD: justin timberlake's cry me a river bc me and my fourteen-year-old put it on about an hour ago bc he was trying to argue that bringing sexy back is a better song (it's not and i will take zero criticism). i'm not usually a fan of JT's music—he's better at acting imo—but that tune is just *chef's kiss* and a proper classic early 2000s BOP!

LAST SONG I LISTENED TO: just watched some of the brilliant twin peaks: a limited event series (2017) as i'm currently nearing the end of a rewatch of the entire run (og s1+s2, the FWWM film, and The Return). it was ep2 and the song that's performed as the credits roll is shadow by chromatics, so. that.

THREE FAVOURITE FOODS: i could never! plus most of my faves i can't eat anymore because of my evil MCAS. but three faves today? 1. gruyère cheese on sourdough toast with lashings of worcestershire sauce (which i ate for lunch earlier today) 2. fry's turkish delight which i used to think tasted like perfume when i was a nipper but love now. i had one the other day for the first time in ages and i want MORE. 3. spicy phở, nom nom. although i now have to make my own bastardized version bc there are soooooo many vegetables i can no longer eat, grr. still good tho!

LAST THING I GOOGLED: 182 centimeters in inches bc my brain seems to live in the 1970s, pre-metrication, even tho i was born in 1980. i think its maybe bc it's what my folx used? and even tho i was taught metric in school it just never stuck, ha. anyway, the reason is i'm looking for a second-hand sofa bed on ebay and i live in a basement flat so correct dimensions are A Big Thing.

DREAM TRIP: anywhere not-warm with mountains and forests. maybe rural germany or romania? i just want to breathe in the mist and lay down in the damp earth until moss and lichen begin to grow over me tbh. think castle lecter in lithuania, where hannibal grew up... tbh, my chronic illnesses and now shitty mobility means i prolly won't actually get to go abroad ever again *sobs* BUT i believe one can and should always dream :)

ANYTHING YOU WANT RIGHT NOW: i'll take a body that works properly pls! i'm going for a meal and then to a peaky blinders ballet (!) tomorrow eve and instead of feeling pure excitement for it, i'm mostly anxious tbh which, bleugh. also, i'd like to hang out at home with my best mate bc i was too ill for us to catch up over christmastime, meaning i've not seen him in over a year as we live at opposite ends of the country :( but he's hopefully coming to stay with us at easter, so yay.

.

tagging, play or nay: @shealynn88 @sharkfish @novemberhush @jmeelee @petrichoravellichor @rauko-is-a-free-elf @witchsickness @demonlandline @slytherkins @stevewhoreington @raisesomehale @halinski @eusuntgratie @wulfnerd @harrgrove @jimmypricegf @thisgirlsays22 @catboynecromancy @deklo @grey-sides @lovebillyhargrove @deedoop @suometar @ltleflrt @sailorsally @mjulmjul and anybody else who wants to have a pop pls just consider yourself tagged!

[kmze]

Thoughts on 8x01-8x08 this is honestly the most I’ve just straight up enjoyed the show. I like the darker mythology of this season with the sirens, hell and Cade. It felt different but fresh and I thought it was easy to follow for the most part. The macguffins feel like a S1 homage. Scenes got to breathe again, Steroline had so many great domestic scenes and this is their peak relationship wise. If I cared about Bonenzo I’d say that’s good too. My only real gripe is Bonnie's storyline which feels like we took a step back after the progress of the last two seasons because why is she not fighting more to get her powers back? Plus Bamon is just non-existent this half but overall one of my favorite half seasons, it ranks just below S2 and S6 for me and you can read about why below!

8x01

This feels soooo much like a season one episode. I don't think the others do as much as this one though.

Why AGAIN did Bonnie lose her magic! Plot contrivance level 1000.

Everything Steroline in this episode is what was missing in S7! The teasing, the sexy time and hair stroking (I especially love where Stefan grips her hair after they kiss because he’s not ready to let go yet and kisses her forehead) but especially the phone call going over the plan! Feels like them in S4/5 which is FANTASTIC because it shows the friendship never died when the relationship started.

Mommy!Caroline is so great! I love the fairytale she told the girls and I love the scene where she finds them and is like "hi babies" THE CUTEST!

Okay so Virginia said whatever was in the vault wanted the twins and Damon says the voice in his head said it didn’t want Stefan yet. So yeah it seems the twins and Stefan were always a target at least.

I know KW co-wrote this ep but I just do not see how Elena is interpreted as Stefan’s hope. I know he goes out of turn but nothing he wrote was hopeful lol, plus he used Caroline’s words from earlier. Then there’s the fact that he looks miserable until Caroline asks if he wants her to move in with him.

Enzo leaving Bonnie clues about the siren was a great plot for them.

8x02

They should have just let Nat Kelley use her Aussie accent because she talks SO MUCH and I hear the struggle of her trying to hide her real accent. It would have made no difference!

How unbelievably boring is Damon's mind that he just keeps reliving this roadside scene over and over again. I don't even understand what the big deal is about this scene, wow so Damon met Elena first, who gives a shit?

Bonnie being a hater! I guess the sensation of watching Stefan and Caroline from the outside affects even those not in love with one of them.

Georgie was so good! Even if she has terrible taste in men she should have lived or at least lasted longer!

While I understand your frustrations Bonnie you got three years with Enzo and Caroline was stuck with fucking Alaric! The Baroline scene was sweet though, the Bonenzo scene is good too but the dialogue is so corny.

Really really REALLY unnecessary that we needed to bring Sarah Salvatore back just to murder her. Again killing off the WOC...

Okay see even more proof Caroline is Stefan’s hope because she says “you can’t give up hope” and he says I won’t and then FRIGGIN' PROPOSES TO HER! I mean do most people realize that’s not when he meant to propose? Like he bought the ring probably when she said agreed to live with him and he was going to propose with the room when he was finished. But in usual Stefan fashion every-time he plans to wait for the perfect moment with Caroline he fails because he loves her so much he doesn’t care about the pageantry he just wants her.

WHAT A MOMENT! I love both proposals for them but this one I just love how it’s so them! Stefan shows her the room because his love language with Caroline is acts of service. He’s showing her the meaning behind his words saying she’s his family, he’s tearing down a room in his home the only constant he’s had in his immortal life because he knows she will always be a part of it. And he thinks he’s so clever with the drawer ‘hey check it out, it’s antique’ but Caroline is Caroline and she wants the speech and he teases her about that like are you sure and he does the cheesy speech knowing she’s gonna laugh. But THEN she kisses him and he’s so consumed by how much he loves her and wants her and just gets SO INCREDIBLY SEXY grabbing her face and whispering against her lips between kisses that he wants her to marry him! I STILL GUSH OVER IT!

8x03

THE JUNE WEDDING! It’s still so hilarious that throwaway line in the pilot ended up coming true. Caroline is the greatest manifestater of all time!

GET HIS ASS CAROLINE! She really enjoyed stabbing him with that pole!

Man the one thing I’m jealous that Valerie got and not Caroline was Damon-less Stefan. She deserved Damon-less Stefan more than anyone!

The way Stefan smacks Damon like “why are you such a little bitch” because Enzo is fighting the mind control and Damon isn’t cracks me up!

She’s got a point Stefan! But like LOL Bonnie Stefan doesn’t even like Enzo as if he’d pick him over Damon regardless. The almost forehead touch and the way Caroline grabs Stefan and pulls him towards her, Paul and Candice did such a great job of showing the sweetness between Steroline this season. They're partners and it doesn't feel right when they aren't on the same side.

UGH FUCK THIS! I cannot believe this is how Tyler dies after everything!

8x04

The troll job with the “I love yous” all on the phone! Although they did that to Forwood too I noticed in my rewatch.

The dialogue has been very on point the last few episodes, I especially like how Stefan’s been written. This is probably my favorite Stefan because he’s being active in helping to save Damon but he’s not letting it overtake his life. I honestly don’t get why people think Paul was “mailing it in” this season, I think it’s because they all believe in the good brother mythos he performed in the earlier seasons. That guy doesn’t exist anymore!

Stefan's having way too much fun torturing Sybil with that tuning fork lol.

Two sirens and one being the friggin’ nanny was a great twist! And the flashback scenes parallel Defan’s scenes so well.

I like that they switched up from the torture dungeons to the secret lab rooms for interrogations. Feels fresh.

Georgie looking at Sybil through the glass has Elena and Katherine looking at each other vibes.

So funny how we’re all pretending anyone’s gonna care that Damon killed Tyler just to you know piss me off even more about it!

Stefan so scared for Caroline’s twins!

Matt finding Tyler’s body is heartbreaking. Damn that scene really hurt.

Seline is way better at the creepy whistle, Seline is the better siren in general I wish they’d killed Sybil earlier and just had Seline.

8x05

Seline’s evil look before closing the door lol. I love when actors ham it up in the best way possible.

Really like how Caroline subtlety told Stefan to STFU about Damon and mourn Tyler because she needed comfort and he instantly got that. Married.

Damon’s like “what’s so surprising about me being awful” and I AGREE!

That Baroline phone call was so sweet. I love how Caroline talked about what made her turn her humanity on about her Mom.

Bonnie pulling a Damon! Sometimes you have to go to extremes for the people you love!

WE ALMOST HAD IT! Stefan put Damon down at Caroline’s urging and it was such a good parallel to him saying "I'm lost" in 6x05 to "I'm sorry" now.

I’m sorry but I just don’t get anything from Bonnie and Enzo even with the powerful narrative the show tries to give them I *snore* I tried.

I like when the show parallels back to Stefan doing something weird, because like Stefan is very weird! He brought everyone back to the carnival for a memorial like he did in 4x02 with everyone saying a few words and then group activity time!

Tyler deserved so much better than this memorial and he really deserved for his death to mean more than it did. Matt was the only one who really seemed to care that he was dead, though I do give Caroline credit for Damon killing Tyler being the thing that made her give up on Damon. Then she pushed Stefan to do the same and he didn't really hesitate. I do LOL at Stefan not being able to say a nice thing about Tyler even in death, disliked his ass until the very end.

THIS SCENE IS SO PRETTY! It’s their prettiest scene and I am in love with the completely in awe lovestruck look Stefan is giving to Caroline while she talks to him. I know I say it all the time but I love Steroline because of scenes like this, their conversations feel deeper because they have so many moments they callback on to show their progression. And I love how Stefan just listens to her and really takes her words in, she inspires him so much.

God I’m stressed and I know what happens!

8x06

Pain. But I like how Stefan accepted it with no fight, just another day of Damon ruining his life.

Ric was ready to turn Enzo into a vegetable but Stefan couldn’t be absolved for killing him without humanity.

I cannot BELIEVE people want to give Damon credit for saving the twins when it’s made abundantly clear that he just wants to get out of hell. He just knows that in order to get Stefan to go along with the plan he needed to use the twins as leverage. Ruined his life AGAIN!

I didn’t realize how triggered this episode was gonna make me!

Ric’s talking a lot of shit for someone who does nothing to solve the problem!

I’m sorry but I think Stefan has more than enough blood on his hands for Cade Sybil. Paul Wesley just wanted to do a fight sequence it’s fine.

Stefan earned his hero hair this episode. The look between him and Caroline as she’s hugging Josie :( gets me every-time.

Candice was stellar in this episode, definitely one of her strongest episodes ever.

All he wanted was 24 hours with her. This is THE Stefan episode for me, this was his final heroic act and unfortunately he never really gets to come back from it. Paul really did such a fabulous job with this episode directing, acting, even song selection (he picked the song used in this scene) he went out with a bang.

Actually I really like the bickering sisters with the sirens and how they keep backstabbing each other, sounds familiar (that's the point)!

8x07

My heart. Stefan channelling his inner Buddy the Elf and putting up all the Christmas ornaments and the morning Steroline scene is such perfection. They deserved to have that peaceful domestic life together longer than they got. Stefan's diary entry pulls on the heartstrings too, I'm glad Caroline at least got to read that and I feel like it might give her some comfort knowing Stefan promised her his heart forever even before that moment in the finale.

You can tell right away that Caroline is ready FOR SCHEMING on her phone call with Bonnie and I am HERE FOR IT! She's so great this whole episode.

It made perfect sense that Cade would be so interested in Stefan without the retcon in the finale that it was all Katherine having him wrapped around her finger (which was RME).

CRYING! HE GOT ANOTHER ONE! Cade being like "I didn't care about your remorse but this crazy bitch did" because they always do! Crazy bitches and the Stefussy like moths to a flame. Bonnie and Enzo are nice this episode too I feel like they’re having real conversations instead of quasi-DE dialogues.

Peter's not really a bad character I just don't care. Matt has surprisingly not been annoying though I liked when Damon was like "you killed me" and he looked and him like AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN!

This Christmas dinner is so stressful! Not like 'The Bear' stressful but it's up there!

I’m sorry but Stefan’s logic of “yeah I ate kids but never on Christmas” truly kills me! As if that makes it okay!?!

Cade explaining really well why I never got into SE especially in S1 because of how Stefan inserted himself into her life because he saw her as his redemption, the "good" Katherine.

"When I was the Ripper I was one of a kind, no one can do what I can do" (!!!) Ripper Stefan truly was one of the best villains, if this season had 22 episodes we could have had a longer arc of him.

CAROLINE FTW! She’s so damn smart no wonder Stefan loves her.

Mistletoe toe kiss and finally the I love yous face to face! Admit-tingly totally worth the wait this is one if their best scenes. The way he drags her down the stairs and kisses her so passionately under the mistletoe. I love that when he nods for her to look up he continues staring at her, Stefan wanted to give her some peace and romance before everything changes forever. Again Stefan wanted to be with Caroline before he essentially walked into damnation.

I love the evolution of the “off switch” with Stefan. It was so much more dramatic in S3 when he was forced by Klaus and now he just closes his eyes and lets the evil eyebrows do all the work. It’s because he’s accepted the Ripper part of him more. My favorite aspect in this scene is how he waits until he left MF to shut it off, because that’s his home aka Caroline.

8x08

“Clarity over cleverness” that’s a pretty accurate description of Damon Stefan IDK even if he never said it he’s sure followed it!

See this is the first time Stefan is actually TRYING to not fly off the handle as a ripper, he even said in 6x17 he doesn’t have an elaborate system to keep himself in check but now he’s trying one. Obviously doesn’t work but I thought it was interesting it was dripping blood from the vein since that’s what pushed Caroline over the edge in 6x17. This episode is FULL of callbacks to their humanity-off arc I love it! They’re very subtle but there’s a bunch.

Sybil hasn’t started annoying me yet but more importantly I am SO HAPPY Caroline is getting scenes solo with the “big bad” of the season because I don’t even remember the last time that happened! Maybe S4 and Silas?

Ripper Stefan picking out Dr. Elena to teach Damon a lesson is DIABOLICAL! The way he stabs Damon with a vervain needle (of course!) and yells “Omg is there a doctor here” DYING.

“Cade never said I couldn’t take a shortcut” “A win is a win”

Oh yeah this place (100 dead witches house)! Good callback

"And you lived up to your potential" HE'S SUCH A MANIAC!

Oh Violet is teen Misty on Yellowjackets!

Threatening to burn those kids alive was pretty stressful! Thank god Caroline had her assistants to do the dirty work for her.

Ripper Stefan making Damon throw the necklace out the window is like when NH!Caro made Stefan burn the letter. Biggest missed opportunity was not having Ripper Stefan ask Caroline to turn it off and join him instead of Damon because that was sitting on a plater after this episode with excellent callbacks to the no humanity arc.

Love the way Ripper Stefan going off the rails was filmed and Malarkey’s song is perfect. He looks so feral in that last shot! Great job again Ian and the writing in this episode was so good.

Lines that made me laugh:

Damon: I disagree with all your opinions (when I read the TVD Reddit)

Bonnie: How else was I going to our Caroline Forbes-Caroline Forbes (I loved this scene and Bonnie was right she had to pull out the big guns)

Stefan: Would it be going out on a limb to say that we stab her with it? (LOL Stefan was like I got a wedding to plan lets wrap this up)

Ripper Stefan: That figures (as he shakes his head in disappointment at that damn necklace again!)

[eurofox]

Control review

This game was great and it helped that I had played Alan Wake recently, although you don’t really have too, it just helps to know what's going on for one of the DLC chapters and a few Easter eggs here and there.

I skipped over this game for awhile because tbh it doesn’t look that interesting, and the first hour or so is very slow and confusing, I nearly put it down but I’m so glad I didn’t. A lot of concepts, weird characters and acronyms are thrown at you in this first section and it got a bit overwhelming. Once you get your telekinesis ability it really picks up, the combat becomes a lot more fun and the story starts to make more sense. It didn’t go in the direction I was expecting it too and that was a pleasant surprise. The first boss battle is actually a real pain but after that I never had any trouble (you can encounter it again but it’s optional).

The whole game takes place in some weird brutalist government building that can shift shape and is being invaded by an entity. It is a government branch that investigates strange phenomena that covers it up from the public, while it itself being a strange organisation with unusual leaders and practices, I didn’t thinking running around an office block could be so interesting but it is. The characters are all a bit quirky, one guy is very Twin Peaks and there’s a lot of stuff hinted at, but never fully revealed, the DLC especially asks a lot of questions, but answers little, setting up for a sequel. A lot of the story can be found lying around in files, recordings and videos so if you don’t like that kind of thing it’s probably not for you. I liked it because you can find something later on that you’ve already read about and I was hunting down every last file I could find. Re-reading/watching stuff later is useful because things will make sense in hindsight. Jesse herself is very likeable, I warmed to her a lot quicker than I did with Alan Wake and she can be pretty funny at times too. Always nice to have a new female lead character.

These notes also give hints about new abilities and most of this stuff is optional. You can miss whole segments of the game if you don’t bother exploring and it will make combat a lot harder for you. You can even miss whole story arcs and characters if you don’t have a good look round. Hell, I thought I was exploring thoroughly and then the game gave a hint that I might have missed something and found a  whole extra sideplot 

You have your main story mission but you can go and do sidequests as well. These are totally optional. Some are more interesting than others, some are just collecting junk or timed missions, but others can reveal new information about the bureau and what goes on in it. It’s a good idea to do these for upgrades anyway.

This game has the best combat of any game I’ve played in years. First you get a gun, it has unlimited ammo but you have to wait for it to reload. It can be morphed into a shotgun, sniper rifle, grenade launcher, etc. Honestly, once I got the power to launch shit about, the gun was secondary. You can grab and launch pretty much anything at the enemies and it’s so satisfying to smack an enemy in the face with a fax machine or a forklift. It get’s even better once you can levitate and and start raining death from above. You need to get good at balancing your gun and launch ability as both need to recharge. Health is only gained by attacking enemies so you really need to be on the offensive throughout,. I tried ducking and hiding at first but Jesse is just too fragile to survive long and enemies are very aggressive. Also, aside from crouching, taking cover isn’t handled well in this game unfortunately. But you can get a dodge ability (you can actually miss this if you aren’t looking around and I can only imagine what a nightmare that would be without it). Keep moving and always be on the attack is my advice. Enemies will flush you out in no time if you try and play it safe.  You can improve combat by leveling up your weapons and abilities. I got a really useful upgrade that restored health with every successful launch smack and that was a lifesaver for boss battles/hordes. You can also increase your health although I found even at max health a strong enemy could still take me out in two hits if I wasn’t careful. For huge battles you sometimes get an ally and they were more useful as a distraction than anything else. I felt the upgrade system was poorly explained however, despite how crucial it is. The game isn’t exactly stingy with them, they can be found killing enemies or through exploration. You can also make your own.  Some of the savepoints can be a bit strange. I had a few moments of panic where I seemed to have been sent back somewhere I’d been 45 mins before after dying but everything I’d done before the death was still done, I just had to run back. Bit confusing.

There’s also some platforming and puzzles. These are all good, nothing felt unfair.

It all looks fine, some character models are a bit stiff but nothing was outright bad. Even though the game is set in America, with mainly American characters, something felt European about it, I can’t put my finger on why though. (I didn’t realise the developers were Finnish at first either) The building is nice and detailed and everything is destructible. A room where you had a fight LOOKS like a room where you just had a fight. IDK if it’s my dying PS4 or what but some of the busier battles had some serious framerate drops. I also had one instance where the game froze and I had to restart.

I can’t remember any of the soundtrack. Like it suits the game and it’s fine while playing, just nothing really stood out. Just atmospheric tracks mostly. One track that plays in the maintenance sector did my head in though. It sounds like someone knocking on a pipe and that really got irritating. Voice acting is alright, everyone suits their character.

I really regret not picking this game up sooner, it’s so good. Usually I find a game has either great gameplay and a meh story or vice versa but this game was great in both areas. I’ve not played anything like it so it was a unique experience too. The Alan Wake tie in DLC was scarier than anything in Alan Wake itself tbh, that monster was creepy as fuck. The only negatives are the incredibly slow start, poor cover system, poor explanation of how upgrades work and the rather abrupt ending to a very interesting story. I guess it’s all being set up for a sequel but it still, it  came so suddenly I was a bit taken aback tbh. Also without the DLC it’s quite short. I just really wanted more and there is a fair bit to do postgame thankfully. Shame there’s no new game+ option though.

Looking forward to the sequel, I want to learn more about the weird world and characters they created here.

[teddypmedley]

Tv shows I like with absolutely bangin soundtracks

Gilmore Girls - Carole King, Grant-Lee Philips (troubadour), The Bangles, The Shins, Sam Philips, Bowie, Blondie, Nancy Sinatra, The Smiths, Talking Heads. Everything from the oldies to current stuff, mostly various flavors of rock. Lots of new wave and post punk vibes. It’s got everything from greatest hits to deep cuts. The whole show is a love letter to (mostly American, mostly white) art/media in general. While I acknowledge plenty of the references do not hold up, I hold that the soundtrack has zero misses in terms of well-chosen bangers.

Sex Education - Ezra Furman does a lot of it, and then they throw in loads of rock and pop classics and current stuff. Violent Femmes, Fleetwood Mac, T.Rex, The Velvet Underground, Brenton Wood, Queen. It’s honestly on par with Gilmore Girls, Furman takes the place of Carole King/Grant-Lee Philips and then everything else is an eclectic and fun mix. It’s more diverse than the GG soundtrack and also has zero misses.

Grace & Frankie - the intro theme is Stealers Wheel but the rest of it is a mix of oldies and current stuff. Eclectic as hell, I adore it. Everything from Gloria Gaynor to Bahamas. A bit of it is covers but they’re good covers. Then you’ve got Any Winehouse, The Milk Carton Kids, Kenny Loggins, Dionne Warwick, Alabama Shakes, 7horse, Little Richard, Adele. I think I caught a bit of punk in Frankie’s car in one scene, it might’ve been the Clash but I forget.

Madam Secretary - ok hear me out!!!! You’ve got Andra Day, Adele, Bowie, Peter Frampton, Joni Mitchell, a song from a Sondheim musical, several songs performed by the cast with their vocals and piano (inc. Can’t Take My Eyes Off You, a parody of a Billy Joel song, a few Christmas songs…). And then the song of all time, Cemalım (Erkin Koray) which slaps.

Our Flag Means Death - every song in the soundtrack is a banger I just personally always have different associations with them already because they’re always quite important to me before i see the show. Which is why it’s so low on the list for me personally. Also I have spent the last year and a half overthinking every song I hear through the brainrot lens and I associate like a whole other group of songs with that show now instead of the soundtrack. But the actual canon soundtrack is good, I love Lou Reed, Fleetwood Mac, etc.

How to Get Away With Murder - man I didn’t even finish watching this show and some of the songs stuck with me. Mostly IAMX.

What We Do In The Shadows - the fucking intro Norma Tenga song alone changed my life. It goes so goddamn hard. And then you add King Luan, Tol-Puddle Martyrs, Matt Berry’s originals, MUSE!!!!, Echo & The Bunnymen, Haley Heynderickx (who is SURELY also in Sex Ed), THE CRAMPS (perfect choice, I was furious until they finally put ‘em in), Siouxsie and Bauhaus (both almost certainly also in Gilmore Girls, but I could be wrong)… man I could continue from just season 5 alone they really don’t miss.

Community - their soundtrack includes The Police, Florence + The Machine, The Fratellis, The Cranberries, Lord Huron… and of course loads of cast originals.

Criminal Minds - pixies, NIN, the Kinks, Dean Martin, Ella Fitzgerald, Jeff Buckley… all of this was also on Gilmore Girls. Billy Joel, Sara Bareilles, Jason Mraz, Deep Purple, Korn, Boston, Johnny Cash, AC/DC, Bob Dylan, THE BLACK KEYS!!!!, REM, Leonard Cohen, Cage the Elephant… all bangers. Honestly that’s part of what kept me watching for so long.

I’d just like to acknowledge Twin Peaks, The Sopranos, Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, Father Brown, and Heartstopper, Derry Girls, the Good Place, and Parks and Rec, which all also have soundtracks.

[zerochanges]

My 2022 Media Binge Reviews

I find myself somewhat circling the drain during the year of 2022, I don’t want to say I was repeating the same year as 2021, but I also can’t exactly say I was doing much differently. I think both years were hard on me but in some different yet similar ways. I still work the same job I hate and my anxiety has still gotten the better of me in a lot of the same old ways, but also new exciting ways! The older I get the more it feels like essays like these always say “well blank year was a hard year” so I don’t want to say that anymore but it’s hard not to want to complain about a year’s worth of troubles all the same. 

Last year I was really able to overcome some grief in my personal life by finally taking the plunge and getting through Twin Peaks, a series that for years I wanted to finish but never got past the first season. It was incredible, and made a lasting profound impact on me. And this year honestly just saw me chasing that high in a lot of ways. I think the general theme of a lot of media I consumed was “Twin Peaks-like”. Sadly nothing seems like it will ever scratch that itch for me. I guess that just goes to show how unique and incredible Twin Peaks was—but at the very least I think some of the most fun I had this year was chasing that high all the same. 

American Psycho

This year finally saw me getting around to watching American Psycho in its entirety. Now I've seen it plenty of times on TV in bits and pieces. I’ve caught parts of it, and generally knew the whole gist of the movie, but honestly I don’t think I ever watched it from start to finish before. The internet is obsessed with this movie, the memes alone it spawned are everywhere, which honestly kind of finally got me to get around to it. 

It’s easy to see why the internet would become so enamored with a movie like this, Christian Bale gives such an incredible performance as the lead, putting so much energy and life into Patrick Bateman that almost every frame of the movie he is in feels like it should be hung up in some meme museum. I’m old enough to still remember when he was cast as Batman in the Nolan trilogy and the consensus was “how the heck can the murderer from American Psycho be one of the best superheroes ever?” It’s funny to me to see the argument flipped to “wow I can’t believe Batman was such a good murderer in this movie.”

But beyond the incredible cathartic violence, and over-the-top performances there is definitely a very scathing view of the American lifestyle and capitalist hellscape we are all trapped in nowadays that much like I mentioned in my anime list with Kaiji seems far more relevant today than ever before. 

Dune x3

This year for me was the year of the Dune. With the new movie coming out near the end of 2021 I finally got around to grabbing it on blu-ray, and while I was at it I just couldn’t resist grabbing everything else too. I got Dune opinions, and they are about as crazy as you would expect from a hipster like me. So let’s talk about the three Dunes.

Jodorowsky's Dune, this 2013 documentary is all about the failed Dune movie that never was by visionary and art film auteur Alejandro Jodorowsky. Jodorowsky may not be a household name so just to get a little preamble out of the way, the man has made some of the damn craziest films around—and his breakout 1970 ‘acid westerner’ El Topo is considered by many film historians to be one of the first Midnight Movies, starting a much believed trend for cinephiles the world over. 

Towards the end of 1974 the man attempted what was at the time thought impossible by adapting Dune into a movie and he developed a variable dream team of auteurs and creative talent to do it, which he called his ‘warriors’; many of said warriors would go on to become absolute legends of the industry while many were already legends. Jodorowsky’s Dune was the very first film that ever saw acclaimed legend H. R. Giger worked on a film for example, and beloved French artist Moebius did a ton of art designs for the project. It was truly a melting pot, almost like a mini ‘scene’ of its own that brought together an unbelievable amount of extremely talented people. It’s honestly not a stretch to say that without Jodorowsky’s failed attempt at Dune that there would be no Alien, there’d be no Star Wars, there’d be no science fiction as we know it today in American cinema. 

Jodorowsky’s vision really only ever saw the original novel as a jumping off point of inspiration, the man himself never even reading the book. What he sought to create was both incredibly dense science fiction and incredibly philosophical spiritualism. The end of his proposed Dune movie honestly gives me chills, and hell if I don’t want to steal that idea for myself. 

It’s hard to say what the finished project would have been like, Jodorowsky’s own ambitions and artistic vision is what killed the project, trying to turn it into a 10 hour epic of a movie! I often wonder why they just couldn’t make it into an animated series when that failed. I mean they had Moebius right there! But perhaps it was for the best. The failure of the movie saw incredible talent shift to the four corners of the wind and go on to create incredible work of their own in cinema. When it comes to lost or unmade media there’s a mysticism about it; “if only we could have experienced it”, and I think that’s half of what makes it so good. If it was real, who knows how good it might have been, in a way I am glad I got to be fascinated by this best movie never made.

Now let’s get to my hot take and just say it, David Lynch’s 1984 Dune is so much better than Denis Villeneuve’s 2021 Dune. There I said it! 

Okay, please give me a minute to explain. Denis Villeneuve’s Dune is by far a much better made movie that has a better reverence for the source material and overall makes for a grander and more easily digestible sci-fi film that finally accomplices the dream started in 1974 by Jodorowsky to create something great out of Dune. It’s just that it’s just another good movie. Honestly a lot of good movies already exist. So yes I think for the normal person this is the one, watch this Dune and enjoy, but for hipster’s David Lynch’s Dune is where it is at!

Lynch himself hates the movie, it crushed his spirit and the man calls it the biggest sell out of his career. Yet I think it somehow is something special. The film is easily gorgeous and out-there levels of weird which I think is important for Dune, and is something Villeneuve’s film lacks in a lot of ways. The fight scenes are satisfying and action packed in Villeneuve’s film, making for a great Hollywood movie experience … but is that Dune? Honestly I think I like Lynch's extremely awkward and poorly executed bumbling drunk sad sack fights more. Those honestly feel way more like Dune. People flying around and spin kicking hundreds of dudes in the face is great, but I’ll take two dudes awkwardly dancing around each other while big blocky Minecraft shields glow over their bodies. Now this is my Dune, baby. 

There’s something surreal in both the execution and visuals in Lynch’s take on the material that simply vibes with me more. Had the movie been cut properly by Lynch and not butchered by executives to sell the maximum amount of tickets, had it got the chance to be the longer length or two movies that Lynch wanted, I think it would be a much more beloved cult sci-fi film today. 

In conclusion, I think Dune is an awesome story and great material to really get weird with, and honestly it’s pretty cool that there’s a lot of out-there interpretations to be enjoyed today. 

One Piece

2022 saw me return to One Piece once again and picking up right where I left off after binging through Thriller Bark to Punkhazard in 2021. While I didn’t watch nearly as much as last year it almost feels like I did, as I was able to finish both Dressrosa and Zou before the year’s end. Now Dressrosa is such a dense and huge story arc that took up many months of my year. This arc being a whopping 118 episodes long is honestly just flat out ridiculous, this one story arc is longer than most anime! For those who might need a reminder, the entirety of Yu Yu Hakusho is 112 episodes long, Dressrossa is 118 and in-story the vast majority of it all takes place over a single day! 

This is by and large the most ambitious writing Oda has ever attempted by this point in One Piece and it pays off in dividends as so much truly happens and the entire series as a whole really starts to show a lot of its hand. This is what the entire post time-skip One Piece since Fishman Island has really been leading into. Luffy’s little journey from a boy with a dream is truly maturing into a fearless and brave leader able to sway incredibly powerful cohorts to stand up alongside him against an all powerful and corrupt uncaring world government that is far more preoccupied with keeping its status quo and image than the lives of those they govern. Oda is able to create a venerable army for which Luffy to one day lead on his quest to become King of the Pirates, so many interesting and just plain fun characters are able to stand up not just as new game pieces on the board to lose to show how strong the enemy is but as honest to god equals to our protagonists and are able to hold their own against the villains alongside Luffy and his crew. 

We learn more about the world and see Luffy take on easily his biggest fight yet against DoFlamingo, a character that has easily been hyped up for what, like 500 or something episodes? And just wow, what a villain, DoFlamingo is easily one of the most interesting and compelling characters in the series and just a straight up horrifying monster of a human being, if you can even call him that. Which is great because Luffy has another trick up his sleeve, Fourth Gear. I had seen it before online, being an anime fan means it’s impossible not to get One Piece spoilers but I don’t think I ever appreciated Fourth Gear until now that I’ve seen it in action. This new form is just incredible and so well made. It shows so much creativity from Oda and I love how BIG it is! Anime protagonists nowadays just keep getting hotter when they power up, even the new Dragon Ball series see Goku becoming increasingly prettier, I really missed this. Luffy gets thicc in Fourth Gear, this is what I want, go all out, just have fun being a cartoon again, let dudes have muscles on top of muscles–and no neck while you’re at it. Give these boys just ridiculous proportions, let’s make even Liefeld shiver. Bring back the beefcake.  

Luffy didn’t have all the fun either, I think Franky had one of the best fights in the whole series when he went up against Senior Pink, a bare knuckles, no hold barred, man to man slug fest that easily goes on for something like 30 episodes straight of just two manly son of bitches beating the ever loving fuck out of each other. Zoro fighting Picca sees our greatest swordsman to be taking on perhaps one of the most insane action set pieces One Piece ever had. And then there’s great moments with the new characters like Bartolomeo and Cavendish and oh yeah, did I mention Luffy’s thought to be dead brother Sabo shows up and utterly steals the show for a good portion of the arc? The appearance of Sabo in the story utterly wrecked me. I cried when Luffy was able to see him again, it was such a beautiful reunion.

Dressrosa is truly an epic as far as anime storytelling goes but Zou also somehow delivers so much too and in general that later half of Dressrosa and almost all of Zou really proves that One Piece is able to carry so much forward momentum and still be able to go places even 700 episodes in. The plot has never been more interesting, the goal has never felt more obtainable, and the fun is still there. Right now I am about a quarter of the way through Whole Cake Island and trying to finish it too before my Funimation subscription runs out. I have a month to go but I think I can make it. Wish me luck/

Orpheus (1950)

In my quest to relive the emotions Twin Peaks gave me I watched Jean Cocteau’s 1950 French film Orpheus. Now the film is a (then contemporary) modern reinterpretation of the Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice in modern day Paris. I’ll be real with you guys, I knew jack shit about Orpheus when I watched this, to me Orpheus was just “the master of strings” in Persona 3 so even now I can’t tell you if they did a great job transposing the story to modern day, but I can say what Jean Cocteau accomplishes in this film is nothing short of stunning. The surreal atmosphere and cinematography is easily breathtaking while the plot balances both being playful and light while also dealing with dense topics like love and suicide. 

It’s easy to see why Jean Cocteau is a legendary film creator and why David Lynch considers this film such an inspiration to him. A lot of visuals very much so look like prototypes of what he would later go on to do in Twin Peaks specifically, even down to the iconic Black Lodge. But this isn’t just some Twin Peaks prototype, it’s definitely a damn fine masterclass piece of cinema, definitely worth a watch for its own merits. I would say the shot of the film that stayed with me truly throughout all year was when Orpheus and Heurtebise walk through the world of death, it is something I think about often.

Planet of the Apes (1968)

I’ve seen the original Planet of the Apes when I was a lot younger, and pretty much that was about it. Growing up the movie was parodied and paid homage to in everything from other movies and TV shows to the cartoons I saw as a kid. It’s easy to think of all those parodies and see the remake and the modern reimagined trilogy and think the original is just plain bad but no! It holds up insanely well. I was surprised to see just how good it still is. This is such an iconic science fiction classic and so much has to do with how sharp the writing is, the incredible acting of Charleston Heston, and yes, that legendary twist ending. I implore you, rewatch the first Apes film, you won’t regret it.

Sonic the Hedgehog 2

I thought the first Sonic the Hedgehog movie in 2020 was a cute well made kid’s movie with just enough material for adults to enjoy thanks to Jim Carrey’s performance as Eggman elevating the material. But the sequel oh boy, this is legit the best video game movie I ever seen. This film captures the spirit and tone of the Sonic franchise perfectly. It’s a love letter to the entirety of Sonic the Hedgehog and just a damn fun action adventure. All the characters feel much better utilized and written, with even the human sidekicks like James Marsden’s character having a lot more to do and better material to work with. I had never seen so much reverence for classic Sega video games on the screen before outside of other video games than this movie, and it truly felt like my childhood was coming to life in ways I never imagined before. 

Sonny Boy

This year saw me finally getting around to watching Shingo Natsume’s original 2021 anime Sonny Boy. This was a critical darling of the Fall 2021 anime season when it aired but having been burned on so many “deep” anime that weren’t I was weary of it during that time—and not to mention busy and never got around to it. I heard so much praise for almost a solid year though and it seemed utterly visually and narratively interesting so I finally cracked and watched it. Glad I did, it was a rare example of something living up to its praise. 

Actually I got to be straight with you, here’s another piece of media that I honestly only watched because I desperately was begging to feel what I felt when I watched Twin Peaks last year. Sonny Boy is nowhere near that though but somehow is. It’s completely different but delivers a similarly dense and visually fascinating world. The music being done entirely by indie groups gives the entire atmosphere of the show a homemade feeling to it—the emotional core is often tinged with this sense of raw emotions that feel free from the corporate mainstream often overly produced music in most anime. Together with insanely complex visuals and free moving animation that isn’t stiff or obsessed with staying on model and we got something that just stimulates all the right sectors of my brain. And damn if I can’t stop listening to the tracks even now. 

I guess what I want to say is I came for the Twin Peaks comparisons, I stayed for the depression and how beautifully the show paints the futility of life and what death means in a meaningless world. Watch Sonny Boy, while praised during its airing the show almost seems totally forgotten about. You’ll probably have a good cry while doing so, but it will make you feel truly alive.

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

Okay, this is another example of me knowing all about this movie because of the internet. There are so many clips and memes about this movie that I have obtained endless enjoyment out of but I never actually watched the movie properly. This year I decided it was finally time and on Christmas Eve, I watched the legend, and my God: Best. Christmas. Movie. Ever. I think I found a new Christmas tradition that I am going to do every year. This movie is downright hilarious, the memes don’t even do it justice, you have to experience the whole thing in context, it’s even somehow funnier that way. In all the best ways. 

Eric Freeman’s acting is legit something I wish I could emulate. I want a whole movie or video game of just people going as hard as Eric Freeman in full earnest and not trying to ham it up. His screen presence is so funny, so magnanimous, so scene stealing, I can’t even breathe every time the camera focuses on him, I am utterly out of breath laughing every millisecond, on the floor gasping for air on the verge of death, but I can’t stop laughing. I just can’t help but love the movie even more as every minute passes. 

And the story behind how the movie was made is even fascinating. If you get the blu-ray like I had to of course go out and find a way to buy it after watching it, there’s a great documentary on how the whole thing came to be. What started as a way to just re-edit the movie Silent Night Deadly Night so they could release it again and make more money turned into a passion project by the editor now turned director Lee Harry which is why he’s credited as both the director and editor of the movie. Harry took the old footage from the movie, turned it into flashbacks and made it into a sequel by shooting new footage. They honestly took a legit and serious slasher movie and turned it into the best comedy ever made. As far as I am concerned you don’t even need to watch the original Silent Night Deadly Night, just see all of it in Part 2’s flashbacks and bask in Eric Freeman’s life changing performance. 

Stalker (1979)

Andrei Tarkovsky probably needs no introduction for film buffs but let’s just say for the uninitiated much like what I said about Alejandro Jodorowsky above this Soviet filmmaker is another auteur artist that is beloved in the world of cinema and leave it at that now because this list is already much too long as it is. Stalker is the first film of his I watched and one I wanted to see for many, many years—and one I only finally saw now because of my damn insistent pursuit of relieving the emotions Twin Peaks gave me. 

Stalker a 1979 Soviet made science fiction film based on a 1971 novel Roadside Picnic which depicts a guide or Stalker taking two individuals through an incredibly dangerous location that is closed off to the public where extraterrestrials had once landed one night and left the next known as the Zone. The story fascinates me on so many levels because of my love of sci-fi, this thought that strange alien life interacted with a place on earth and left it so tangled up, so hard to navigate that common sense need not apply, that you have to go up to go down, you have to walk backwards to get forward, that at any moment some terrible curse could afflict you, that something you did upset the order of this strange land, that expert guides exist in this shady black market underground to take people on tours through it, and many traverse this illegal Zone because of the rumors of a room within it that can grant any wish your heart desires. How can I not want to see it? This is my kind of sci-fi. What I got … was something much different.

I was expecting this sci-fi epic, instead it’s very much almost not present. It’s more about the passage of time, what it means to be alive, the place of religion in the world, the meaning of living in a meaningless world, if there is any magic left to be had in a world where we understand so much thanks to science. The Stalker and the outlawed area of the Zone almost seems like reverence for magic that used to exist, an old world point of view that can still look to the stars and see Gods instead of just clusters of hot space gas. Stalkers with their silly rules; their going backwards to go forward seem like nothing more than that silliness, something modern people don’t need to do anymore. The Stalker in the film is often undermined by his two clients who constantly push their luck and break tons of rules he tells them not to. At its core it seems like a struggle between wanting to believe there’s something special in this life, and being a skeptic. 

I wanted a sci-fi epic instead I got an artsy fartsy film that drinks way too much depresso espresso. Yet the magic of Tarkovsky’s film stays in my mind. The emotions I felt, the long shots that border on almost trolling you with boredom, they stay in your very soul. I still see the beauty of the undisturbed Zone when I close my eyes, the clearness of that water, and the magic of the bird disappearing into the dunes. The ending speech about time and what it means to all of us living from the Stalker’s wife, I hear it play back in my mind from time to time. 

This isn’t really great sci-fi, I wanted to hammer that home to anyone listening, so your expectations aren’t all wrong like mine. But this is an incredible film that uses some very light sci-fi window dressing to convey incredibly complex emotions behind living in modernity. I recommend it a lot to anyone who can handle that fact. 

El Topo, Holy Mountain, and Santa Sangre—or how I fell in love with that weird Chilean Movie Guy

Let’s get back to Alejandro Jodorowsky as he was a big figure in my 2022 media. It started with the documentary about his attempt at making a Dune movie in the 70’s but after that I had to know more about the man. This visionary auteur who took Dune and made this insanely almost religious spiritual epic in space, now this dude sounds incredible. Also holy crap it turns out David Lynch was a fan of his work too and you can easily find a lot of his work being repeated in Twin Peaks. Uh-oh, you know what that means, right? Yup, let’s keep this pursuit up, boys. 

We’re starting with the 1970 ‘acid western’ El Topo, since I still have yet to see his first film 1968’s Fando y Lis (although I do have it, I just have yet to work up the courage to play it thanks to its infamy). El Topo is easily what truly started his career on the world wide scene and not just in Mexico where he started out, it was a movie that would become insanely influential to many creative talents from the Beetles to Suda51; in fact No More Heroes is almost a complete remake/reimagining of it but anime. 

This western is no simple cowboy movie, it’s spiritual and just all out bonkers. It almost feels like two movies stitched together too. The first half sees El Topo, or “The Mole”, as this badass gunslinger taking down the four greatest gunslingers in the desert who are almost guru-like, in order to claim the title of the best gunslinger and spiritual enlightenment all so he can lay with some bodacious babe. He however fails at this and dies, only to be resurrected as some religious savior to a village of deformed people that live underground, and as a new man he tries to rescue the village and lead them to prosperity. 

This film is weird, and like yeah, bonkers. The two halves are almost completely different movies yet somehow they work really well together. I think the first half is easily the part most people really will enjoy while the second can easily lose you. All that said though this is the film that easily got me excited for more from Jodorowsky.

1973’s The Holy Mountain seemed like a slam dunk, the movie about an alchemist training a thief that broke into his Tower to be his protégé then taking on seven wisemen with him to ascend a legendary mountain to find the secret of immortality is the insane kind of bullshit I want in my veins. It’s a … that is to say it’s … the thing about The Holy Mountain is … well I hope you like drugs. So yeah, hard to believe but El Topo, the acid western, was made sober, while Jodorowsky decided to really, how do you say, “expand his mind” , on his next film and it shows because I think you need to be on drugs to fully enjoy this one.

The film has an incredible beginning and an absolutely incredible ending with an insanely good and thought provoking twist at the very end but the middle is very meandering. The scene where the Alchemist introduces his seven wisemen just goes on for like ever. They pretty much stop the plot for a solid 50 minutes just to show vignettes about each of these characters and they are all very good, and interesting, and some insanely funny, but like bruh, the movie is just dead in its tracks for at least half its runtime to introduce characters that essentially just stand in the background after their introduction and that’s it. 

As I said the ending is truly something special and that I cannot elaborate on because if it’s spoiled for you I can confirm it kind of ruins the whole movie. Yeah I knew the ending spoiler before I watched it and that just really took the wind out of my sails. I loved the beginning of the film to bits, the middle just would never end its nonstop barrage of introductions for what turn out to be NPCs, then the ending I spoiled, it was a boring experience for me. 

Don’t spoil the ending, and I promise the dragging middle will be worth it. Probably.

1989’s Santa Sangre or Holy Blood, is probably Jodorowsky’s most mainstream and easily digestible film. I’d also say maybe because it was his at the time most recent work, the film that David Lynch took the most inspiration from when he made Twin Peaks. If you watch some scenes in this one back-to-back with certain Twin Peaks scene, it’s definitely obvious what Lynch was watching at the time. Because of this I say it’s the movie of Jodorowsky I can recommend the most, it’s definitely the favorite of his I have seen so far. Hell I’d go as far as to say one of my favorite movies I ever seen.

Santa Sangre follows Fenix, a young man in a mental ward, and shows the story of his life and how he came to be in such a place. Fenix grew up in the circus, his father a womanizing drunk knife thrower and his mother a trapeze artist and also a devout Christian that runs her own crazy offshoot cult of Christ. It’s a fascinating childhood and the imagery is striking. It’s visceral and a wild ride but also something I have to tiptoe around and not explain a lot about. The movie is best experienced knowing very little about it. There’s a very apt comparison that can be made to a certain famous movie, film critics often call it “The Mexican version of [said famous movie]” and I wholly agree, but my God if you know said famous movie’s name that spoils way too much! Classic, film critics ruining film again. 

I highly recommend this one despite almost bending over backwards to deny you too many of my thoughts on it. There are so many scenes that if I close my eyes I still see. The music is fantastic, the scene where Fenix plays piano is easily a stand out moment of cinema. This is the life story of one man I think you simply must experience. 

Vinland Saga

The 2019 first season of Vinland Saga finally came out this year on special edition blu-ray and after waiting what felt like a lifetime I couldn’t be happier to begin my rewatch of the show. I know Sentai released their dubbed version of it back a year prior but I adored Vinland so much I wanted to wait for the special edition and I definitely felt it was worth the wait, as the poster proudly still is on my wall and I am never taking it down. When it comes to Vinland itself I will be brief and say it’s a fantastic anime, and one of the best the year it came out. I mainly just want to talk about this Sentai release which I found to be stellar, the special edition was of very high quality, like I said I love the cloth poster, and I very much enjoyed their dub. I thought the writing was much more naturalistic than the Netflix produced dub with better dialogue flow as well as being just dirty enough in the way Sentai usually is by sprinkling in some tasty F-bombs that most other dubbing studios would shy away from. I enjoyed how accurate it was, as an actual historian with a degree in this stuff it always drives me mad to see so much mainstream entertainment go for the bottom of the barrel easiest to understand AD over using Common Era, so I was glad Sentai used it. Also actually pronouncing the Nordic names correctly where the Netflix dub hilariously butchers all of them is a nice touch too. 

Wild Palms

Wild Palms in a 1993 mini series that followed in the wake Twin Peaks mania. It’s very obvious how much the series wants to be Twin Peaks and often shows up in a lot of comparisons to it. It never quite reaches those heights however. Twin Peaks’ own mastery of mystery and otherworldly feeling just evades this production at every step but where it succeeds is capturing the other more humble aspect that made Twin Peaks great, the soap opera-like cast. It feels very much at home with the out-there and over-the-top quirky characters and I think is one of the best productions to capture that tone of the original first two seasons of the series. It probably helps that it was a Twin Peaks inspired production that was actually made during that 90’s era where soaps were still king on TV. 

Where Wild Palms differs however is how the plot is far more science fiction based and often attempts to juggle complex conspiracies about religious and political leaders and it stumbles at times but by the end is able to actually pull off a fairly interesting story. Sadly the biggest hurdle is maybe the funniest thing. The series stars Jim Belushi and I’m sorry, he gives a great performance in a dramatic role of a father and businessman trapped in some crazy far right religious cult taking over corporate America through the mass media. 

But it’s Jim Belushi, he has such an iconic and recognizable comedic voice and presence that it can be downright hilarious in really unintentional ways. Jim Belushi’s son in the series, an evil genius child, also suffers a lot from this because … it’s a very young Ben Savage. Yes, Cory Mathews is in some Shin Megami Tensei like end of days cult in this. And you know Ben Savage does an excellent job, you can see why he would become a lead in Boy Meets World after this, even as a child he’s a great actor, but it’s Cory Mathews, in a seat of power, in a cult that is trying to take over the world. 

So yeah, the casting is kind of ironically funny today in 2023, especially for millennials, but the series does run a lot of great ideas and by the end of this short 5 episode mini series I was hooked. Some of the dream sequences are downright incredible and almost feel like they could have occurred in the Black Lodge, it’s definitely where the series cribs a lot of its ideas from Twin Peaks.

The Wind-up Bird Chronicles

If you know me personally you know I have an absolute obsession with the hit indie RPG called YIIK: A Postmodern RPG. Yes, truly a masterpiece that is beyond the understanding of a normal human being. Okay, enough snide, YIIK is a downright meme but it fascinates me endlessly. I spent so many years of my life reading about it and watching videos on it, and seeing playthroughs of it. Maybe one day I’ll actually play it … although I don’t think I’m that crazy. It’s a bad game but there’s a lot of creative ideas behind it and I want to say the creators’ commitment to their art is praise worthy, I have nothing but respect for Brain and Andrew Allanson and I mean this sincerely. They messed up, big time, but they created something with all their heart, they shouldn’t be made fun of for that. 

Andrew Allanson the writer of YIIK is a huge book nerd, and often cites Haruki Murakami novels as his big inspiration with his 1994 novel The Wind-up Bird Chronicles as the biggest. And it shows, having read it now because of my YIIK obsession yeah, so many of the best and most creative ideas I thought were in YIIK are definitely just from this novel. That isn’t meant as a insult though, if anything like me questing to see all of David Lynch’s inspirations for Twin Peaks it just shows the creative process, we are the media we consume, and in turn we take that and turn it into our own thing. 

[morewyckedthanyou]

I was tagged by @lovelesscherub, thank you soooo much, I love to be tagged 💖 (even if I don't always answer these because I forget or don't feel motivated at the time ).

favourite colour(s): Green (especially emerald green but all shades, really) and also yellow and orange. 💚💛🧡

favourite flavour(s): I have a sweet tooth, so if it's something is sweet... yes please. But also, I like savoury things too, and things that are a bit spicy a well. And garlic in anything usually works great! 😋

favourite genre(s): Whether we're talking about movies, tv or literature, I mostly prefer horror, sci-fi and fantasy. Oh, and mysteries (whether it's crime or something supernatural).

favorite music: I lean towards metal more than anything, but I actually also like a lot of different types of rock (especially if it was made 'in the old days', so in like... 50's to 90's) and pop as well.

favourite movie(s): So damn many tbh! But I will try to list at least some favourites that come to mind immediately. Here we go: Alien, Brokeback Mountain, Pacific Rim, Titanic, Flatliners (1990), Back to the Future-trilogy, Star Wars episodes IV-VII (but especially The Empire Strikes Back and The Force Awakens - the latter had so much potential ok!), Mamma Mia!, The Blair Witch Project, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Jurassic Park, Crimson Peak, IT 1990 (which is technically a miniseries but I think of it as a movie so), The Faculty, Thelma and Louise, Girl Interrupted, Stardust, Pitkä Kuuma Kesä, Spirited Away, Young Guns 1 & 2, Monty Python's Life of Brian, The LotR-trilogy, Hot Fuzz, Sinister, Maurice, The Breakfast Club, Kingsman 1 & 2...

favourite series: I don't watch a lot of tv (other than true crime "docuseries" sometimes) because I can't concentrate on following a plot that goes on and on most of the time but here are some favourites I've enjoyed in the past: Twin Peaks, The X-Files (seasons 1-7), Mash, Black Books, Doctor Who (the new series seasons 1-4), Spaced, Good Omens... Also I guess I should say Cobra Kai, not because I think it's particular good but because I just love the karate dads so much.

last song: GOSSIP by Måneskin

last series: Probably some true crime murder-series, I honestly can't remember, haven't even opened my tv in like a week or so

last movie: Can't remember if I've watched anything else in full since I watched Big Eden (2000) a few weeks ago.

currently reading: I wish I was reading an actual book because that's what I want to do more this year... But nah, I have started some but none could hold my interest more than a couple pages. 😩 I am however rereading a very good Cobra Kai fanfic feat. Daniel/Johnny/Amanda written by my very talented tumblr mutual and once I've finished reading I will leave a loooong comment because it looks like last time I was dumb and didn't comment at all and I am disappointed in myself.

currently working on: Writing letters to my penpals. Also trying to work on having a proper rhythm in my days even now that I'm unemployed and have nowhere to be during days. It's going alright I think. I should also try to work on my anxiety which has been quite bad lately.

I will tag: @catzy88 @disdaidal @icanhasnaow @leyley09 @an-sceal @ashyyboyy @dull-c @valastaja @marley-manson and @vonderbarr But if you have already done this recently or just don't feel like answering then no pressure! ❤️

[ashton-slashton]

Get to know me!

I was tagged by @psygull (and let's be real, probably at least a couple others who I never got around to), so let's buckle in!

Oh, also, tagging @charismat1c-megafauna @captain-athos @sketchass and whoever else would like to participate!

Last Song: Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake, Op. 20 Act II. It should be known to anyone who knows me that it is my FAVORITE ballet. I never post about it, but it's something from WAY back in my childhood.

Currently Reading: Legion by William Peter Blatty. I had to take a break because I'm moving and also still looking for a job, but it's honestly the first book in the last five years that I've actually had a genuine interest in. I am out here highlighting and tabbing the book. It's one of the sequels to The Exorcist and follows the detective from the first book, Kinderman. The Exorcist III was based on Legion, and the screenplay was written by William Peter Blatty.

Currently Watching: Twin Peaks. Again, we took a break from that because we were moving, and also we're at that point in season 2 where things get very crazy very fast. I'm eager to finish it though! Also, my partner and I may be hanging out with one of their former managers and his girlfriend so we can all watch Eraserhead and The Elephant Man, which will be interesting!

Current Obsession: I'm re-entering my Claude Rains renaissance at the moment. Almost every time I find myself not in the mood for any movie while I'm home alone, I just start watching Notorious. I used to watch that for Cary Grant, but now? Woah daddy. Claude Rains was a hunk of whole man.

[go-go-devil]

@silenthillmutual tagged me to list 8 tv shows in order to get to know me better!

I'll fully admit that I actually don't watch tv shows that much anymore, but I will say there's just enough that I have greatly enjoyed and have greatly impacted me

Bojack Horseman - The crown jewel of emotionally-intense adult animated shows (and a massive win for furry media 🐴). May very well be my favorite show if I was ever forced to pick, although there's one other that's tied for that spot...

Twin Peaks - My other favorite show, and definitely my fav live action program I've ever seen. The first two seasons especially create such an immaculate atmosphere of dreams and nightmares precariously balancing themselves in the realms of our reality. The Return I'm still trying to process, but I will say episode 8 makes the entirely revival's existence absolutely worth it

Spongebob Squarepants (Seasons 1-3) - My nostalgia for these seasons doesn't lie, this show truly used to be something special and far more comedicly and even emotionally intelligent than most kids cartoons made before or since.

Monty Python's Flying Circus - Another nostalgic classic for me, even if I was perhaps too young to be watching this show as a wee 8-year-old. Some of the skits haven't aged too well, as to be expected with any comedy show from the 70's, but the ones that have are truly some of the funniest shit on the planet to me XD

Moral Orel - Before Bojack, this was the adult animated show that broke me in the best possible ways. I used to have a tradition of rewatching both parts of "Nature" followed by all of Season 3 on the days leading up to Christmas, which I should perhaps bring back again...

The Twilight Zone (Original Series) - My family and I decided to dedicate several years to watching every episode of this classic piece of television, and it was such a fun experience! It's crazy how such an old show can still have so many stories that remain relevant today

Serial Experiments Lain - Probably my favorite anime tv series. Honestly reminds me a lot of Twin Peaks in how it presents its plot and characters, yet still has such a distinct vibe that hits me just right as someone who remembers the last years of freedom in the Internet before capitalism co-modified it all :')

Avatar: The Last Airbender - Believe it or not, I've only ever watched the entire series all the way through once (not counting the many reruns of episodes I ate up when we still had cable). I will certainly marathon it again at some point, but even still that childhood run-through of this beautifully written show was still enough for me to consider it one of the best I've ever seen!

I'll go ahead and tag @nightwere-mojo @pinkiepiebones @illusionaryneil and @spectrazone. Hopefully these picks taught y'all a little more about me and my tastes ;)

[privacyredux]

62oz

8:07pm - los angeles

i got to catch up with freya a bit today which was nice. it seems like she's been really busy so i was happy to talk to her a bit. it wasn't really about much specific though. i feel like that's been the theme for most of today. it was a lot of small talk with people and conversations that didn't last all that long. about the same with lena, but she spoke about maybe doing some face painting which i said id swing by for if she did it. spoke to glen and rosalie a bit too about her trigger finger acting up again, but more of the same just little things.

i had a bit more of talking with charlie. we joked a bit and i confirmed she didn't think i was a dick. it was good to confirm, though i did specify it wasn't entirely out of the question that at some point i might be. um we didn't really fuck around with ai today which was kind of a mistake i think. i had been enjoying doing that even if i felt like i was getting a bit of a beating from it.

eric and i honestly mostly gossiped today. good or bad i dunno. we also spoke a bit yesterday about how things were going for me in la. just like who ive been spending time with and stuff like that. ultimately shit about girls. nothing bad or anything, but just like where my head's at about stuff. which honestly, i told him yesterday more or less some of the stuff i've said here. i think im cautiously interested in someone and while not entirely sure there's a mutual feeling there, i'm kind of okay with that. i enjoy having crushes and being fascinated with people. it's both a good start to a friendship and something more without entirely crushing your spirit. i dont think even in the best and most receptive of circumstances i would go head first into anything right now when im going to be back and forth on tour and at shows. and the first being well out of the country. yeah. i dunno, it's the kind of thing i'll approach when im back home and my shows are more accessible. whether anyone wants to come hang out and that kind of thing is something to be seen.

my dinner last night was really good. the food was great and the conversation was great. between yesterday and today i think i've set valeria up with two new shows to explore. that said, she said she watched the beginning of the first episode of twin peaks and was fairly interested in it. it's a good sign. anyway, we spoke a bit about the podcast i was listening to, which was mostly bc i wanted someone to bounce the story off of.

the podcast is essentially true supernatural stories told by the people who have experienced them. this one was about a man who lived in an apartment that had a ghost and spent much of the beginning talking about how he didn't feel very threatened by the ghost and just had the feeling that someone was there with him when he was listening to music on the couch and that his cats would look off towards the corner and things like that. no big and when he decided to move out, that last night he felt weight on the bed beside him and the presence lean over and in the moment he was scared and hid, but after the fact felt like it was going to lean over to kiss his cheek goodbye. and after from his family, who lived close by years ago, he learned that a young girl had died in that apartment being murdered by a drunk coworker after a party. so he goes on with his life and later a coworker and him were bonding over a scary movie when the coworker tells a story of waking up being strangled in the middle of the night. and as it goes on the guy realizes it was the same apartment and the same ghost. and my immediate reaction to all that was that i would be so fucking bummed out of i was the guy the ghost tried to strangle rather than the one she wanted to kiss goodbye. and as he continued it seemed like the coworker was a bit of a drinker so that could've been the reason she had tried to strangle him, but yeah.

i do sometimes feel a tugging on my shoulder in the middle of the night when i sleep. not all the time, but occasionally. i'm not entirely sure what it means, but it does make me wonder sometimes about things ive messed up in my life and if on some level there's a call to make things better. i don't really know that i could. i want to say i don't even know that i would but that's not entirely true. it's more that i don't think it'd make a difference anyway. as much as ive tried to deal with everything that hurts, it's still the one thing i really don't want to embrace. i don't know that i will ever honestly. there's no telling that it's even related anyway. it could just be um i forget what it's called those jerks you can experience when you're falling asleep that makes it feel like you dropped or your muscles just make a sudden movement. could just be something a bit like that. not enough electrolytes or something too.

um anyway, like i said i did have a good night with valeria and we talked a bit about other lives and other life goals and things like that. it was possible, if im not reading into it too much, that there was a hint of a connection on something, but i dunno. like ive said before, i just kind of want to let things do what they do. it's fun to get excited and feel a moment, but i don't wanna be someone that hangs on tiny pieces of things that under harsher light really add up to nothing. it felt nice in the moment and i wanna appreciate that for what it is.

i think im both dreading and looking forward to leaving as it is right now. i'm enjoying the event and the marketplace and seeing what everyone has out to look through and just kind of thinking i guess. i never want to be someone who overstays his welcome and i feel like i might have done so if i didn't have somewhere to go. i'm thankful for that. im just having a really good time and i know thursday morning is just going to come way too quickly. i feel like i owe charlie a goodbye/thank you present much bigger than a well cooked grilled cheese sandwich. i have a little time to think it over still. and maybe it's better saved to be gotten in japan since she loves anime so much. maybe i'll bring an extra bag to grab shit for people... a lot of people have expressed a longing to be going as well

mrahc - title fight

dreamsickle - wombo

paces - feeble little horse

[shannis]

wolfe.

I have only allowed two people to break my heart down to tears.

Today I thought of the 2nd one. He was a coworker, a part time actor and stock images model (seriously). I had just been in the middle of a long break with another boyfriend, who was emotionally and physically abusive. I was breathing for the first time. I needed a friendly face, and some kind words.

We hung out on a whim, mostly out of strong mutual attraction. It was an awkward subway ride to his subleted room in a boarding house under a skyway. I was nervous, I was anxious, I worried I was too ugly or too weird. Two facts that plague my mind in every relationship since my 1st boyfriend broke my heart.

He was nice enough. We laughed all night and sang along to Wu Tang together, fell asleep watching Twin Peaks. It was all fun. It was my kind of date. Perfect and private.

A night I honestly needed after the years of shitty times I trying to get dates.

Then he confessed that "I'm the type of girl he always wanted and could fall in love with because I get him and it felt natural" to him" then he sang me "I think I love you." Was I flattered, yes, but that's it.

He was weed hungover so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

It was our next date that he revealed that he was already in a poly amorous relationship with a girl whom he really loves. He told me how she is a rich nepotism baby, who spends her time as an actress in small budget movies (which he too starred). She was tall, thin, and blonde. (Running theme of my tortured love life is being told blondes are better).

I didn't want to share. I made me feel dishonest to myself. If thats how they loved, more power to you but I wanted the one. Someone who wanted all of me and gave me all of them. I wanted to be someone's everything.

At that point in my life, my live life was terrible. Only one guy in my whole life ever left me. The first one. Every one after the 1st was measured against him, as at that point I was still in love with him. I broke up with everyone else. I would never let anyone hurt me and I would never care about anyone that deeply again. I was ice, I was steel, I was a heartbreaker. Since no one lived up to the guy in my head, I was lonely. I agreed to date this new guy for a bit to fill the time and the void but all the while felt gross.

He would talk about seeing free concerts in the park. (I was never invited). He was talk about new restaurants, art galleries, markets, all these fun dates. None of which I was invited to. I offered up ideas and they feel flat and were never used.

I was just his plaything. His secret. When I asked him to come see my home he said "It's 3 rivers away, I don't know if you're worth that."

I hated him. I hated how he made me feel. I hated how little I was worth. I was depressed. The next and last date was an office outing before the whole team was let go. We went to Pig Beach. I watched him sort coke. I watched him hit on other girls and then look me and say "take that hurt look off your face, you know what this is." I watched him become his real self. I was disgusted who I saw. I was disgusted to be there.

We walked to his place in the hot, muggy air of Brooklyn in silence. I hate myself more than any other time of my life at that point. We went to his place, he half heartedly tried to be intimate but the coke backfired on him. I laid awake all that night on his bed, counting his ceiling tiles, looking at his books, feeling the gentle sway of the room as the cars drove overhead. I knew I would never be there again. I was taking it all in. Morning finally came, we at breakfast at the Sunrise Diner. It sucked and we ate in silence. He then proceeds to tell me how his dream girl and him are off to Mexico the next day for 2 weeks on her parent's dime. I feel sick, I wanted to go home. He walked me to the subway all the while with a stupid smirk on his face. He told me he would call me when he got home from Mexico and how he will think of me there. I told him not to bother and that I knew, I would never from him again. He laughed. Kissed my cheek and watched as I walked down the stairs all while with that stupid smirk painted on his face.

In that moment, I hated his face. I hated Brooklyn. I hated myself.

I started to cry, he saw me, and he just kept smirking. Nothing changed his mood. He watched me all the way down until I was out of sight.

I ugly cried on the subway and all the way home. I was crying for what I allowed myself to be used for. I cried for how low I sank. I cried for the guy that was a half world away and didn't know what his absence has done. I cried for the woman I became. I was broken that day, broken by hatred and self loathing.

I changed that day, I would never allow myself to be used again. To be the lesser, to be the other, to be nothing. I would always speak my truth and never suffer in silence again.

All thanks to a wolfe.