#I just finished my last autism assessment on Monday | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lucysweatslove · 1 year

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So after my other assessment about a month ago I called a psych NP to medically address the ADHD… I wanted to see somebody outside of my hospital group because 1) I didn’t want to have to go through my PCP (who, for the last three years, has refused to even consider I might be ADHD, let alone the potential autism) and 2) I might have rotations at the hospital and I wanted to keep my own medical stuff independent from the people who are required to assess me and give me grades.

Anyway she didn’t call me back for like 3 weeks, but she DID call me last week and I met with her this Tuesday. Yay, right?

And while she is operating under the belief that I likely DO have ADHD, she wants formal neuropsych testing (you know, like the computer based TOVA thing, I think, and other assessment tools). I was referred out AGAIN, and I think Thursday THAT provider called me back. I set up an appointment for this upcoming Friday, and now I can’t remember when I see the psych NP again, but we are actually going somewhere.

And I’m a little scared?

Like what if the testing doesn’t show enough impairment and thus they don’t think I have ADHD? I did the CAARS scale already online to prep for it, and since I don’t really have strong emotional lability and pretty much no anger, and I’m very much inattention and no hyperactivity, which may be not enough. Like I’m just not inattentive ENOUGH. If I was just a little hyperactive or had just a little more anger it would be enough, but it’s not enough now. And if it’s not enough will they try to give some other BS reason why I do what my husband calls “squirreling?” (which is when I start a project or a task, get distracted, get distracted from my distraction, get distracted from THAT distraction, and eventually I have done maybe 5% of 50 different tasks that I haven’t finished and I’m so tired and burnt out I need a nap).

The rational mind says “it’s so classic inattentive ADHD; of course testing will show it,” but the fearful part of me just says nope, the problem is you, you don’t try hard enough, you don’t have grit, that’s why everything is harder, and they will tell you that and leave you on your merry way to tell your husband it turns out you just suck and if he wants to have a happier home divorce may be required because why stay with somebody who can’t just choose to be a normal functioning adult. (Yes this is catastrophizing).

This doesn’t even touch the autism part. Which since I don’t think that needs any treatment, I wasn’t seeking anything about that with psych NP and she didn’t include it on the referral. It’s not that I hide it, I disclose it to my medical team, I just am not coming into the appointments with anything autism-related as my “chief complaint.”

But I’m also a little concerned that the neuropsychologist is going to blame EVERYTHING on the autism, and then say there isn’t anything I can do to treat it, so now it’s at least not my fault but I don’t have much hope of being successful because I just have to live with it and work within my means which at this point in time maybe I can do med school or maybe I’ll struggle with focus so much alongside the, you know, stress of being autistic and having my cohort know something is “off” about me but it’s not SO obvious that they’re nice because they know it’s autism and instead they just avoid me because I’m weird (and yes I’m catastrophizing again)

Also also my car still has its snow tires on, so my husband tried to get an appointment to swap them out, but they are booked for over a month… so instead he is dropping it off Monday and they will do it whenever they get around to it which could take all week. Not that I’m ungrateful to them always being able to work my car in for tire changes, but our other car is a manual, which I can’t drive, so I’ll be stuck at home. I also didn’t get a say in this so it was just thrust on me like “oh btw starting Monday morning you can’t go anywhere for an indefinite amount of time that you have no control over.”

Which is also an issues because Thurs and Fri I was too distracted with assessment intake paperwork and disorganized to get myself into the gym so I was really hoping to go on my normal days next week, but alas.

It’ll probably all be fine. I’ll get my car back on Wednesday or maybe Thursday morning and just miss another couple days. The neuropsych assessment will be fine because I AM disorganized and distractible with attentional control issues. And even if the NP requires I start with Strattera (nobody in my family with ADHD has had success with it), I’ll still be one step closer to medical management to actually help me function better.

#personal

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yeonchi · 3 years

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The absolute state of jobseeking in current year

Today, I take a big step in my transition into society as I begin my first (actual) job. It gives me no pleasure to say that this wasn’t an easy journey in the least because everyone else makes it look that way and therefore, I assumed that it was.

I never had a job (working fast food/retail/whatever) in high school, except for a week indexing documents, filing documents and assembling boxes at a bank for work experience, so imagine my shock when I go to a jobseeking site and everything I find requires at least a year of experience, even the jobs labelled as “entry level”.

During my uni years, I was on welfare benefits that required me to be 18-24 and studying full time. In the second semester of my third year of uni (2019), I decided to defer my last subject to the next year because there was something I wanted to take up that I couldn’t in that semester. Of course, this would mean that I would be studying part-time, so I was no longer eligible for that particular welfare benefit.

Since I thought that it was time for me to focus on looking for work, I signed up for that particular welfare benefit. One of the mutual obligations was that I had to send 20 job applications per month and record them on a web portal. I was also assigned an employment provider to attend appointments every couple of weeks to talk about my progress.

When I first met my provider, I was taken aback by what he said; I thought that sending 20 job applications was a cinch, but he told me that I had to focus on finding full-time work and that I could take up uni studies outside of work hours (my course didn’t count as an exception to their rules). This was quite a shock for me because this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. He also told me that I had to apply for any job I was suitable for and not just what I wanted; bit much to ask for me but ok.

So, for the next few months, I fulfilled their requirements to the best of my ability; I applied for jobs through a jobseeking site and attached a resume with either a short cover letter that I learnt how to write online or none at all if I wasn’t that bothered. My provider seemed like a nice guy, but as time went on, something about him didn’t sit right with me, like either him or the entire jobsearching thing was giving me bad vibes. Learning about the AUWU (Australian Unemployed Workers Union) and some of the things people wrote on their sites and pages didn’t help things either.

About a couple of months later, I didn’t feel like I was making any progress because despite all the job applications I sent, I never got any calls or emails back from them whatsoever (I did get a call for an interview once before I signed up for this welfare benefit, but I didn’t get the job in the end). It was then that I found out (through my university) that another employment provider had a program to help tertiary students living with disabilities find work. While I have been diagnosed with autism, I have never taken advantage of it to seek assistance (I did have teaching aides at primary and secondary school, but I was mostly capable of doing things otherwise so they mostly acted as assistants to the whole class instead of just me and the other kids with disabilities).

I signed up for this program and after going through a long progress of getting a medical certificate from my GP to verify my autism, going to the benefit office to get an assessment and informing my then-current provider of my intentions, I was successfully transferred to that program.

It was also around this time that the coronavirus pandemic happened and lockdowns resulted in me having to attend appointments over the phone or on Zoom, which I had no problem with. At the same time, I was also accepted for a work-from-home position with Lionbridge, which I only saw as a side gig. I did that job for a year before I quit - the lockdown and my various hobbies resulted in me only contributing two hours per week when Lionbridge recommended ten, though I did push myself to do ten hours during two particular weeks where they gave bonuses for those who achieved that goal. The gig was mostly checking Google search results to see if they fit with the user’s intent for the search - it was nice, but boring given that I get distracted while working on the computer at home and I had to record the times myself because their system didn’t do it for you. As a result of the lockdown, I just finished up the one subject I had left to finish my course and that was it. My welfare benefit also doubled because of the coronavirus supplement and I got to do some things I thought I would never be able to do because everyone was exempted from looking for work during that time. Even though I was caught up in some bad timing, I managed to find a big silver lining to it.

While I didn’t achieve much success with jobseeking during my time in the program, I did gain a lot more out of it than I probably would have did with my past provider. I did a short mentorship with someone from a big company who helped me to revamp my resume and cover letter. I applied for a few graduate programs and managed to progress to the assessment centre stage for one of them, but I didn’t get in in the end. I attended a three-week work experience assessment program with an agency dedicated to helping people with disabilities find work with big companies. I never told my career coach about my gig with Lionbridge because I signed up while I had correspondence with my first career coach and she quit a short while after - I don’t think she ever told him about it, so whatever I guess (also, as I said, it was only a side gig, so my goal was still to find full-time work).

On a side note, after a year with my previous provider, I would have had to undertake a “work for the dole” program, which is literally what it says on the tin. I don’t know what would have happened if it got to that stage because I managed to get out as quickly as I could and the lockdowns meant that changes had to be made as a result.

At the start of this year, I applied for what I thought was a part-time job at a single organisation, but was actually a casual contractor role. They accepted me and signed me onto their list and I never got a call or email from them again for like four months (with the exception of a newsletter lol). Remember this as it will be important for the next bit.

A few weeks ago, my coach informed me of a role being available at the very provider I was with. I thought I was very suitable for the job, so I asked him to pass on my resume to them. After a couple weeks of waiting, I was asked to come in for an interview on a Friday (I was only one of two applicants who signed up for that role, they never advertised it anywhere else). I went to the provider’s office and just as I was getting off the tram, I get a call from the contractor role advising me of a new job that was starting in a couple of weeks. I stalled them by asking them to email me the details before calling my coach to tell him about it; he advised me to focus on the job I came to interview for and I agreed since I knew it would be better for me and I had a stronger connection with them than with the contractor. So I ghosted the contractor, did the interview and went home that day with the expectation that I would get a reponse by the end of the day, but I didn’t since the interviewer was busy and I had to wait until the Monday.

I went away for a short trip that weekend and on the Monday, I get another call from the contractor asking me for my response. I stalled them again, telling them that I was out of town, then soon after, I get a call from my coach informing me that I got the job. I called the contractor again and told them to remove me from their list because I now had a full-time role. After a few calls that week, I agreed to start on the Monday after - which brings us up to today.

Personally, the wait was worth it, but the fact that it took four years for me to find a job (one-and-a-half since I signed up for that welfare benefit), most of the companies I applied for never got back to me and the entire thing with my first provider stressing me out just shows the absolute state of jobseeking in current year, particularly for a sheltered autistic like me who has had no experience in the workforce. I’m not advocating for “free money” because I’m evidently capable of working (and I’m also not an idiot), but I wish that companies and the government could give us a break now and then and save us the stress of worrying about whether we will actually get a job or whether we will be capable to feed our families with the amount of money we get and the conditions we have to abide by.

Society may be a fucking joke, but there are times where it comes through.

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jemma--studies · 3 years

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2021 Updates

So we finished last semester (Sem 2, 2020) on a better note that I was expecting. I received one Distinction and two Credits when I thought I was at risk of failing one unit.

I start a month long course on Monday and should be getting the pre-readings today. In the course we choose a UN sustainable development goal and work towards making progress against it locally. I’m nervous but excited. It finishes on 25 Feb which is when Semester 1 starts back up so I’ll be going straight into it. This course does have a few assessments but hopefully I’ll do well. I’m a bit hesistant about the fact it focuses on working with random people as I have social anxiety but we’re gonna try our best!

This year I need to get a minimum of 65-70 in every unit in order to get into Honours. I also need to come up with a plan and approach a potential supervisor to see if they’ll take me on. I do actually have a supervisor in mind but I’m not sure whether she dislikes me and I know she’s incredibly busy. I don’t know if I’ll end up doing honours as everyone wants me to hurry up and finish/get a job. If I can spin the fact that honours may get me a job with whoever I’m working with then they might let me. But regardless I want to get the grades so I’ll have the option. One of my classes has uploaded Youtube videos on some of the previous years content so I’ve already looked at that.

The classes I’ve got this semester are:

- Animal Ecology [ZOO]

- Evolutionary Processes [ZOO]

- Environmental Assessment [ENVIRO]

- Land Capability Assessment [ENVIRO]

where [ZOO] = zoology unit, [ENVIRO] = environmental science unit.

I’m wanting to do more this year, what I wanted to do in 2020 but didn’t manage to. Something substantial and impressive that will help people (or animals). I’m considering starting a STEM club for underpriviledged girls in my area (8-12 and 13-Year 10). They’d learn things like coding, 3D printing, microbiology, making art from algae/bacteria, robotics, etc. I also want to do that presentation about biological sciences jobs and skills for Year 11-12s at my old school. I want to get some fieldwork done finally but that will be hard considering I can’t drive. I NEED an internship this summer to fulfil that extra course I’m enrolled in that aims to increase my employability. I’m also considering starting a short environmental science program for primary and high school kids where I take them to local bushland (with help from parents and teachers) to learn some professional enviro science skills. It would include flora and fauna surveys, taking water/soil samples and analysing them, and some talks from scientists in the field.

I mentioned I can’t drive and that’s actually because I had some seizures last week which resulted in hospitalization. They don’t know what caused them and found something wrong with my heart so ontop of uni stress I’m rather stressed out about this. I’m also frustrated about the lack of answers and the fact that I can’t officially even call them seizures because no one saw them (doctors are 98% sure they were seizures though, just need the proof to confirm). But yeah I can’t really swim, do “high risk” activities or drive for 6 months. The driving is very frustrating as I was actually planning on renewing my license and booking lessons the morning of my seizure. And where I live it’s almost impossible to do field work without a license as they always want you to drive. On the plus side, at least I have a reason for why I can’t drive now though. I also spoke to a doctor and she said I may have ADHD and autism. I already suspected I had ADHD after a counsellor I was seeing suggested it but I never thought I was on the spectrum. But when I went and looked at the female symptoms of autism I had almost all of them. I can’t even describe relief I felt knowing that I might just be autistic and I’m not stupid/crazy. I’m going to start seeing a counsellor trained in female symptoms and hopefully will get a diagnosis. It would make my life so much better because then I can say “I’m not stupid, I have autism and that’s why communicating is hard”. My communication and memory is the worst part affected which makes university and the workplace incredibly difficult (has cost me many jobs) as well as making friends really hard.

But bring on 2021 and hopefully, despite the rocky start, it’ll finally be my year.

#2021 #Year 3 #Zoology #Environmental science #university #uni #22/01/2021 #jemma--studies #Semester 1

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maigirasoli · 5 years

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update part 1 - ASD

I think the last thing I mentioned about the assessment was with the specialist nurse - 3 hours long appointment in July. So had the other assessment after that with the psychiatrist in October and that was another 3 hour conversation (omg) and I spoke so much again and it was so draining. This psychiatrist is probably the nicest one I have ever come across. My dad came with me to both of these appointments and I am SO grateful because to wait out there for that length of time is.. a big deal. For this second appointment though, they’d asked in the letter that they’d like to talk to a parent (or carer/someone who’s known you for a long time) about childhood/developmental stuff so he did come in for a bit so at least he wasn’t waiting. I feel so guilty. The psych said he wanted me to do an ADOS assessment too, because then all of this will be the gold standard test for autism and that based on those results and the information from the 6 hour conversations (social/behaviour/mental health/school/ etc), they can see if I fit a diagnosis for ASD or not. I had that assessment done early November and some of it was tricky but it went ok, it didn’t involve anywhere near as much talking as the other parts - it was ‘task’ based and it was only half an hour long. That was the psychologist and the psychiatrist I’d seen before, but the psychologist was the one that did the explaining/telling me what I had to do - the psychiatrist just watched and made notes. I was told that by the end of that week, I would have an answer from them about a result. I remember it was a Monday and they said on a Thursday they have a team meeting where they’ll discuss all the findings. I was convinced they said they’d let me know in a week, so the following Monday but my dad thought that Friday. Either way, that didn’t happen and I got a phone call a month later. She (the psychologist) did actually call me when I was on the way to an appointment and when I called back she wasn’t there and that she would ring the next day. That didn’t happen so I waited another week and called (I didn’t really want but sort of felt like I should do because the waiting was stressing me out) and they said she would ring but didn’t and then eventually a few days later she did. It’s horrible to wait for a result like that. The same thing happened with the report. When she called to say what the result was and that I was on the spectrum, she said I would be getting a letter stating that I’ve been diagnosed and then there will be a report sent out later on too with more details and a follow up appointment scheduled. I got the letter really quickly and in that it said I would have the report within 4 weeks. It was about 2 months in and I hadn’t received anything so my dad called up (I said he could, I didn’t want to) and turns out the report was still in draft form so it hasn’t even been finished which was really frustrating. I know I’m just another patient to services, but they need to realise that there are people waiting for information etc and that it takes up a big part of their daily life. Anyway, he spoke to one of the nurses who said he’s going to speak to the admin team to get it finished and sent out and then a few weeks later I got it. FINALLY. I couldn’t read it all at first. But I did eventually and they’ve said I’m Aspergers. I’m struggling a lot with this whole thing, I don’t want to believe it’s real to be completely honest. It makes sense and it’s a relief in some ways but I feel quite upset by it (but not in the way I was upset by the BPD because I really was like no this is not me and that really really upset me, whereas I can see a lot of me in this but not everything. It’s confusing) and think too much about what I’ve ‘lost/missed out on’ hm. I then read a bit of it and the first thing I see is one of the pages and the mental health history and they’d got the OD information wrong. (Crisis team again. I know this is going to sound almost irrelevant and unimportant but they’ve recorded it on the system (sorry tw) that I took an OD of 40 when it was double that probs more because I know what I’d bought and planned and it’s just annoying because I told the Bedford crisis team lady at the time (I had to call her from the hospital and she asked me how much I took and I said and then she was like 40? And I said no *estimated number here* but clearly she didn’t hear or listen. And I don’t get why the hospital I was in didn’t correct that either). But the rest of what I’ve read were exactly like I told the assessment people, except for two bits where I mustn’t have explained myself very well because it’s not what I meant. But I can discus that in the follow up appointment. Even though they’ve diagnosed me, I don’t want to fully accept it yet because some of the things on the report are wrong (not massively) and others confuse me and I need clarification. So it might turn out I’m not, but I really really don’t know. I don’t know what I’d do if it isn’t either. Ha. But yeah, just over a week until I can talk through the report with my dad and someone from the services and then have a better idea at what I’m dealing with.

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mikeyd1986 · 6 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 131, November 2018

On Monday night, I attended a Yin yoga class with Aaron Petty at Level Up Yoga in Berwick. Tonight was a last class before Aaron heads off on his trip to Bali for 3 weeks to do an intensive training course. It was a 30 degree hot humid day outside but I really didn’t want to miss this class as I’ve been putting off my yoga practice again recently. It was unusually packed in the studio but being Aaron’s last class a few weeks, I should have suspected that. Thank goodness that the air-con and ceiling fans were turned up or else I would have been sweating heaps.

Aaron guided up through a series of yin style poses including caterpillar, toe squat, straitjacket pose and leg extensions with strap. I found these all to be particularly challenging with my pain and discomfort threshold being tested as well as my annoying anxious mind on rapid fire (Am I doing this right? Oh shit, my strap’s twisted. God this hurts so much! My legs look like a mangled mess). But I did my best to not get caught up in those thoughts and just focus on breathing and releasing. https://www.yinyoga.com/ys2_2.0_asanas_toe_squat.php

I also tend to get myself emotional during Yin classes mostly because there’s a microscopic focus on me and that can be quite confronting at times. Loving yourself is one of the most difficult things to do but also one of the most important things. Hence why I often find it so hard. It helps to connect with positive affirmations like “I deserve to be here practicing yoga. I am worthy. I do belong in this yoga community. I am not alone. I am accepted and welcome.” http://www.annieauyoga.com/library/2018/6/13/your-emotional-self-care-guide-in-yin-yoga

Saying goodbye to Aaron is still something I find painfully awkward to do. And it’s not just him either. It’s the internal pressure of knowing exactly what to say and when to hit the exit. But I made it short, sweet and simple. “Have fun in Bali.” Was there anything more to say? Not really. I’m not the type to ramble on about what’s going on in my life because that’s not how I roll. Still it was nice to see him showing that he cares and I’m excited for his trip away though I can’t pretend that I won’t be missing him. Namaste. https://www.aaronpetty.com/

On Thursday morning, I went down to Centrelink Cranbourne office to apply for the Disability Support Pension. This has been a long term goal for me this year and it’s taken me a few months to be prepared for it. There were quite a few obstacles in my way and several people who advised against applying for it but I stuck to my guns, making sure that I filled out all the forms correctly and gathered enough medical evidence, pay slips, bank statements, and letters to even bother trying for it. https://www.humanservices.gov.au/individuals/services/centrelink/disability-support-pension/eligibility/how-we-assess-your-disability-or-condition

When it comes to the Centrelink system, I feel like there are harsh, unfair and unrealistic expectations placed on individuals who actually need their services and benefits. You have to jump through so many different hoops and meet often ridiculous eligibility criteria just to even be considered hence why I wasn’t exactly in a rush to get this done right away. Still I have legitimate diagnoses of depression, anxiety and high functioning autism so it’s not like cheating the system or doing it to get on A Current Affair. https://www.humanservices.gov.au/individuals/services/centrelink/disability-support-pension/eligibility

So, in a way, I am doing this to prove the naysayers wrong and make big decisions on my own. But more importantly, I need the DSP in order to supplement my income which I continue to struggle with week to week. Of course people could argue that I should just get another job or increase my hours at my current job but sadly it’s just not that simple and it’s not like I haven’t tried those avenues either. It won’t be an easy road but I’m prepared to tackle and push through any bumps I need to get through. https://www.humanservices.gov.au/individuals/services/centrelink/disability-support-pension/claiming/claiming-form

Walking into the Centrelink office, I was already feeling quite nervous. No amount of green decor was going to settle my nerves. This was a pretty big deal for me, months of preparation and I didn’t want to fuck it up. I decided to bring my Mum along just in case I did crumble to dust. The best way to deal with this level of anxiety is to throw humour at it and what better way than to think about Centrelink memes. I waited around 30-40 minutes or so and then my name was called up.

A lady named Emma served me, who was physically disabled herself and appeared to have dwarfism. Thankfully she was really nice and just asked me for all the required forms and supporting documentation for the claim. I don’t think I could have been more organised, though she was giving the photocopier a good workout with all the paper she had to make copies of. I asked her “How long do you expect it will take to get a decision?” She said 6-8 weeks which I expected but now that it’s done, I feel a huge sense of relief now.

On Thursday afternoon, I booked my first appointment to see an Occupational Therapist from Everyday Independence in about two weeks time. Last week at the Disability Expo, I only had a vague concept of what an Occupational Therapist actually does and still don’t really know for sure. But I figured I would give them a shot and considering I have NDIS funding, I don’t have much to lose over it. I mostly want to focus on improving my self confidence, social skills, making friends and at some point, living independently. Hopefully the OT can help me achieve some or all of those goals. https://www.everydayind.com.au/our-therapies/occupational-therapy/

On Thursday night, I had my final Sleep Intervention Workshop held at La Trobe University Psychology Clinic in Bundoora. Prior to arriving, I received my actiwatch in the mail via express post which I’ll have to wear again for another week. This will basically be comparing the results from the first period and see if there’s been any improvement with my sleep. I engaged in my usual Maccas run though time wasn’t playing nice today. I literally had to scoff my food and coffee down (That’s NOT being mindful...oops!).

Tonight’s session was run by Eric and Alexa with Associate Professor Amanda “Mandy” Richdale joining in. Alexa guided us through a short mindfulness exercise which involved using the five senses: touch, smell, hearing, taste and sight, using a raisin. Next, they attempted to tie all the concepts and techniques that we’ve learned together as well as discuss the importance of having values to focus on. Basically trying to work on living a fulfilling life can in turn help to improve your sleep. Some of my important values include: accepting myself, loving others, creativity, imagination, embracing the moment and seeing possibilities.

We also did some short term goal setting which is perfect considering we are getting close to the end of 2018. I wrote down: catching up with friends and family, going out for dinner or drinks, losing weight and improving my fitness levels, going for regular walks, attending art exhibitions and galleries, producing artwork again and getting back into study. It was a good exercise as I usually don’t do it often enough as my mind gets caught up in other commitments and responsibilities. https://www.latrobe.edu.au/otarc

The last part of the session involved creating a plan for the next 6 weeks to make sure that we’re prepared when insomnia comes back. It breaks everything down into sizable chunks week by week and details many of the techniques that we’ve learned about during these workshops such as mindfulness and defusion of thoughts, feelings and emotions, building a new sleep routine and practicing acceptance. Eric then gave us each a $25 gift card for our participation in the study. https://aspergersvic.org.au/Research-Requests

Reflecting back on the last few weeks, it’s good to know that this is the first research study I have fully committed myself to. I didn’t let the physical distance, lack of motivation, low mood and energy levels stop me from finishing it off because I do believe that improving my sleep is something worthwhile to invest time into. It’s been a problem for me for at least 2 or 3 years now and that’s significant as it affects my daily functioning and ability to enjoy life. So hopefully it’ll have some long lasting benefits for me. https://www.apa.org/topics/sleep/why.aspx

On Friday morning, I started doing my Christmas shopping at Cranbourne Park Shopping Centre and Westfield Fountain Gate! Trust me to forget that it happened to be BLACK FRIDAY today so of course getting a parking spot was painful as hell. Also it’s this time of the year when my anxiety levels tend to increase more readily especially when it comes to impatient shoppers and drivers. The rainy weather outside certainly wasn’t helping matters either. It didn’t take long before I was getting stalked in the carpark.

IT’S THE MOST STRESSFUL (WONDERFUL) TIME OF THE YEAR! I briefly met up with Mum and my hairdresser Katrina, dropping into shops like Kmart, Target, Dusk and some $2 variety stores before I knew that I was ready to collapse with my shopping bags. I’m also learning that it’s okay to break things up, that I don’t necessarily have to do all my Christmas shopping in one hit. I put limits on myself for how much I’m able to handle and it’s a good thing because the last thing I want to do is burn myself out before Christmas Day.

On Friday night, I went to my HIIT Boxing class with Cinamon Guerin at CinFull Fitness. Boxing is both physically and mentally challenging. It takes a lot of effort, focus, concentration and practice to learn all the movements, techniques and combos. I’m fortunate that this group of clients is endlessly patient with me because I do worry that I’ll drop the ball at times. Anxiety is an unwelcome heckler trying hard to get me to give up and I’m able to shove it further and further into the background now.

Even though these small group training sessions are tough, it always feels good to finish them. My fitness level is irrelevant. To me, it’s more about what I can do rather than keeping up with the others. It’s a shift that’s taken me months to learn and remember. As a few people have told me, your only competition is yourself. Push ups are still one of the hardest exercises for me and yet I was smashing them out tonight at my own pace. It can only get better and easier over time.

On Saturday morning, I voted for Gary Maas - Labor for NWS at Strathaird Primary School. Generally speaking, I usually vote for the Australian Labor Party as most of my values align with their policies. Workers rights, public transport, infrastructure, education, mental health issues and autism are the big issues for me this State Election and Gary Maas ticks all of those boxes. https://www.viclabor.com.au/mp/maas-gary/

I’ve noticed that the Liberal candidate, Susan Serey, has had her face plastered on signs and flyers all around the Narre Warren South area. I guess their logic is that using dominant visual exposure will help secure more votes but to me, this screams of desperation. I haven’t seen her put many proposals forward for this election so I’m far from convinced that I should be voting for her. https://vic.liberal.org.au/SusanSerey

When it comes to Matthew Guy, he seems like a typical Liberal politician. All talk and all business. Coming off like a shady used car salesman with his “plan” to get Victoria back in control. Just like Scott Morrison, he’s just not very likable to me. https://www.matthewguy.com.au/

Daniel Andrews has done a lot of hard work for this state especially in the areas of workers rights, public transport and infrastructure. He has begun work on the Melbourne Metro and West Gate tunnels, removed many level-crossings on various train lines and upgraded several train stations, invested in free TAFE courses, building more schools and TAFE campuses, recruited more police officers, increased employment rate and job vacancies. http://www.cesarmelhem.com.au/andrews-labor-government-economic-achievements/

He is far from perfect but his achievements far outweigh his flaws in my opinion. Plus he has many great optimistic plans for the future if he ends up being re-elected. https://thenewdaily.com.au/news/state/vic/2018/11/20/victorian-election-policy-comparison-daniel-andrews-matthew-guy/

On Saturday night, I attended my work Christmas party held in the Common Room at Berwick Inn. When it comes to most social functions, my first instinct is to run for the hills and this potentially could have been the case tonight. I guess I wasn’t anticipating the huge turnout and therefore how much the space was creating bottlenecks and human traffic congestion. It’s moments like those where I literally need my own space to breathe.

However it was really lovely to see many team members tonight, both who I currently work with and a handful who have transferred stores, resigned or retired. Still being an introvert and autistic, social situations will always be challenging for me. Not knowing what to do, who to talk to, what to talk about but I generally gravitate towards people I feel comfortable around. There also becomes a point where I get easily bored and restless.

I decided to wear a black Christmas themed sweater with colourful Santas, bells, trees and snowflakes on it as well as a classic red Santa hat. It’s probably the one stereotypical trait that I don’t tick as an introverted person: putting myself out there with my outfit. Possibly because I want to make an impression and get people’s attention in a good way. I left shortly after the Visions & Values awards were announced as energetically I was spent and needed to rest. But I’m glad I made the effort to come out even for a short while.

“S-P-I-R-I-T, it's great to see. We got it, the spirit. Hey, hey, let's hear it. Said we couldn't go the distance, yeah. Look at us, we're going the distance. They just wanna be us. They don't wanna see us.” Mariah Carey featuring Ty Dolla $ign - The Distance (2018)

“It wasn't really much at all, just a little sensitivity, yeah that's all. Here in my heart is where you should be, ooh you are. Giving me life and it's everything. Thinkin' 'bout when we were seventeen. Living like Babs 'cause it's Evergreen. Here in my arms is where you should be.” Mariah Carey featuring Slick Rick & Blood Orange - Giving Me Life (2018)

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sporadicpeacewombat-blog · 6 years

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El Fin

Well friends, this is it. The final reflection. What a journey. What I have to update you on! Prepare yourselves. Remember that whole speech I gave about my Superwoman complex? How I take on everything because I want to do everything but then I can’t actually do everything because I’m not Superwoman? And how I had that meeting with one of my supervisors where she told me to set some goals so I wouldn’t get overwhelmed? While that meeting was extraordinarily helpful, old habits die hard. Or whatever the saying is. Even with my five(ish) hour commitment on Thursdays and then the Monday night group sessions, I was overwhelmed. See, the thing I always seem to forget about a quarter system is that it moves REALLY freaking fast. We just finished week four. Which means next week is week five. Which means we’re basically almost halfway done with the quarter. Holy. Shit. Last week I was slammed with homework and essentially had to choose between sleep and going to my internship. That decision then prompted a meeting with my other supervisor yesterday. She was very reassuring, very understanding that I am in fact a student, but she also made it clear that I am more important than I think I am. With me not there, someone else has to do double the work and then things get more chaotic than they already are. The AARTS team really is a team. This conversation really helped show me that I am a valued part of this team, and if I want to continue being one, I need to get my priorities in order. It was essentially a (much needed) come to Jesus moment. So I removed myself from the Monday night group sessions in exchange for a longer day on Thursdays. My regular “shift” will be 8:00-1:30(45ish) on Thursdays. What’s even better is that PMS has been made my main priority and Madison (the research coordinator for that study) has made me a beautiful schedule of what should be done the Thursdays before a PMS clinic and then those subsequent Thursdays. So I now have a clear plan of exactly what is expected of me, which helps relieve a ton of my stress. So that’s where things stand now. Next Thursday will be a lot of document prepping and getting ducks in a row for the next PMS clinic on October 11th where I will be flying solo: re-consenting families if need be, walking families in between the AARTS Center and the main hospital campus, making sure the families are comfortable, and essentially helping out the clinicians in any way that I can. I’m excited, but also terrified. This increase in responsibilities has also helped me narrow down my focus for the research showcase in November. I’m just going to be presenting about the PMS study, rather than trying to present about all of the studies at AARTS. That way I can really dive deep into what the disorder actually is, and it’s various complexities. For example, two weeks ago was the last clinic. I got to meet one family with two kids who have a PMS diagnosis. One child also has autism, but the other does not. The child with autism is completely nonverbal, has to use a wheelchair, does not have control over his muscle movements, and still wears a diaper at age 6. His sister, who is 10, has PMS but does not have autism. She talks, walks, runs, dances, and is very smart (some developmental delay but overall doing very well). I was scoring assessments for one participant yesterday and learned he has an identical twin. Both twins have PMS (what normally happens in cases of identical twins with PMS). I imagine their case will be very different from that of the siblings I met last month. And frankly I think that is too damn cool. The best moments at AARTS truly are with the patients. The kids are so sweet, and their families are so wonderful and strong. The other PMS patient I met last month has PMS, autism, a heart defect, chronic lung disease, she can’t walk very well, she’s completely nonverbal, and she also is not potty-trained. She’s four years old. 6 months ago, her mom had a miscarriage. This woman is by far one of the strongest people I have ever met in my entire life. Getting to know these people and their stories has been beautiful, inspiring, and fascinating. It’s truly solidified my interest in this field. I see myself in a clinical setting, working with people, giving them the answers to the questions they have, and working to get them the best treatment. If I were to do this as research, I would like to be like my supervisor at AARTS. She is a clinician who helps do assessments with research cases, but that’s the extent of her involvement. She has nothing to do with the write-up, the grant submissions, the presentations, etc. And if she finds that a participant, for whatever reason, does not qualify to be in the study, she helps them find appropriate resources. Sounds pretty good to me. It’s been so challenging not saying no to everything, but it’s been even more challenging writing apology emails to my supervisors explaining why I can’t come in. So to learn things like prioritizing, what language to use when I’m feeling overwhelmed or when I need help with something, and when to pull back has been extraordinarily helpful. Also, because the majority of the clinicians are rather young, they have relatively recently survived the grad school craziness, so they’ve all been enormous bearers of knowledge in that regard. When I came into AARTS after taking the GRE, and I sadly reported that I would be taking it again, I got nothing but support and encouragement that this time would be better. They’ve offered to help me with my poster, they’ve offered to proofread my resume and cover letters and personal statements, and they’ve given me connections with people at other universities (one of which is my dream school DUKE). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am incredibly grateful. This is just the beginning for me. Yesterday when I was going through those assessments, Madison said that I would be meeting that family in March, therefore implying that I will still be around in March. I keep being commended on my enthusiasm and my heart and my spirit and my passion for autism research and treatment, which is why they want to keep me. I even got promoted to a desk in the research assistant’s office. It’s got double computer monitors. We in the big leagues now, folks. I’m proud of all I have accomplished, but I know I will feel more proud after the showcase, when I tackle the GRE again (October 27th), and when I get accepted to a graduate program. This summer mainly taught me that I’m not some dumb college freshman anymore. Time to buckle down. Time to get serious. This shit is for real. I’ve been given this incredible opportunity. I can either drop it, or I can take it and run with it. And babes, Imma start running. Sincerely, @sporadicpeacewombat

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mikeyd1986 · 6 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 125, October 2018

With the weather being a mostly sunny 28 degrees, it’s a shame that I didn’t have the motivation to do much of anything on Monday morning. At least I managed to call the NDIA and get an activation code so that I could link my NDIS plan to the mygov account and also access the services on myplace participant portal. My lack of enthusiasm could probably have been detected in my voice to the call centre worker who herself sounded like she was off with the fairies. But I really needed to get this done so that I could start using the funds in my plan. To be honest, I’m still confused as hell about this process but hopefully it’ll get easier for me over time. https://www.ndis.gov.au/participant-portal-user-guide

I also did a bunch of housework which gave me a good excuse to get myself outside in the sun for a few minutes but otherwise today I’m very much home bound. Despite how little energy I had, I was determined to push myself out of the house and get to the final session of the Men of Doveton - 2018 program. However, I’m still feeling in two minds about it especially after how shitty and overwhelmed I was feeling from last Monday night. So I hesitated...again.

I had to ask myself some tough questions like: Who am I doing this program for? What if I don’t go and don’t finish the program? Will the others in the group be angry, disappointed, upset, worried or simply not care? Is this program making me happy and/or making me feel better about myself? The truth is that I feel like I’m going through the motions right now and attending the program more to please others which is NOT a good reason to be participating.

My relentless anxiety has been badgering me saying: If you don’t go, you’re a failure. The others think you should attend, so you should attend. You’re so close to finishing it. What are you doing with your life? What will the other guys think if you don’t go tonight? I also feel the need to place barriers around myself in order to protect myself from being hurt by others. It’s probably the irrational fears talking but at the same time, I really don’t want to put up with people giving me drama for not finishing the Men of Doveton program. https://www.wikihow.com/Make-Tough-Decisions-for-Yourself

The fact that I’m still stuck on the fence is a decision in itself. That I shouldn’t be forcing myself to attend because of outside expectations or what others will think about me if I don’t attend. I guess my own expectations about what I wanted out of this program have also been pretty unrealistic. You can’t form close friendships with 20 or so other males overnight. Also “dropping out” of a program is not failing. My excitement levels for the Men of Doveton program have significantly dropped since I started it back in July. So I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not for me. It’s not making me happy so it’s time to shut the gate on it. https://www.communityreachcenter.org/news/5-steps-developing-healthy-realistic-thinking/

I dropped out of my Bachelor of Science degree at Monash University 4 years ago for the same reasons. Sure I had an interest in science and enjoyed some of the material I learned in my first couple of years studying there. But at the time, I really wasn’t thinking long term, about where this degree would take me. Could I see myself becoming a scientist, researcher, lab technician or doing a PhD? Nope. So there’s my answer. And 4 years later, the world hasn’t ended. I’m still here. Life goes on.

The reality is that I have gained some benefits from participating in this program including counting and recording my steps daily, using a journal to record things that I’m grateful for, being more aware about men’s health issues, tools to help me cope better with depression and anxiety symptoms, being able to successfully participate in group sporting activities, learning new ball handling skills, making a few friends and forming relationships with like-minded males going through similar issues. So in that sense, this program hasn’t been a waste of time for me. https://www.caseystadium.ymca.org.au/whats-on/upcoming-events/event/men-of-doveton-free-health-program-2/2018/07/30

On Tuesday night, I went to an RPM class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. It’s been a couple of weeks since I last went to a group fitness class so I consciously lowered my expectations. Tonight wasn’t my best performance but everytime I step onto the bike, I make sure to give it my all. Numbers don’t bother me as much as I used to because I’ve got enough awareness around my limitations and capabilities. Placing the bar too high is never a good thing because you set yourself up for disappointment but it’s still healthy to challenge yourself a little bit. https://www.lesmills.com.au/archived-rpm

Tonight we did release number 80 which features the tracks Easy Love by Sigala, Everybody’s Somebody by Don Diablo feat. Bully Songs, New Memories by DubVision & Afrojack and Get Low by Hardwell. It was a challenging set of tracks which featured intense racing sections, multiple sprints and attacks, uphill climbs and power rides. As usual, our instructor Kay was very empowering, motivating and encouraging to get us through the class. I couldn’t quite reach the speeds or resistance levels that I normally get to but I was fine with that because I was still constantly moving and pushing myself through the workout without burning myself out. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/fitness-classes/rpm/tracklists/

On Wednesday morning, I had my annual free health assessment done at my workplace. My experience with doing these in the past haven’t been great mainly because I’m always susceptible of getting a bad reaction to getting my finger pricked by the needle. The good news was that I recognised the female nurse who facilitated the service last time. The bad news is that I still had that damn reaction. No matter what I try to do...take deep breathes, try to relax my body, tel myself that “I can do this”...it still happens and I have no control over it.

“Here we go!” I thought as I broke into a sudden cold sweat, red faced and feverish, my ears buzzing intensely and the blood draining from my face. Luckily, the nurse was switched on and responded very quickly, getting me to lie down on the floor and elevate my legs up on the chair. Thankfully I seemed to recover quicker from it faster than last time but it doesn’t make it any less embarrassing and annoying to go through. The other positive was that we were inside the boardroom and therefore I didn’t have other team members witnessing any of this. https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/blood-draw.html

As for the results, they were mostly good. I got a blood glucose reading of 7.0 which is in the acceptable range, a blood cholesterol of 5.42 which is better than average, and my blood pressure was 117 over 74 which is acceptable-good. My BP had to be taken twice as the reaction made the initial reading invalid and dropped into severe-low territory. Waist measurement was 107cm and neck measurement was 44cm. Both of these can be improved with diet and exercise. The one area I was mostly concerned with was my chances of getting diagnosed with type II diabetes especially with a family history of it. https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/health-checks-for-men

With all the factors considered (gender, age, waist/hip measurements), I’m slightly over into the high risk category. The good news is that I do have some degree of control over it by improving my lifestyle habits like being more physically active, eating more healthier foods, cutting back on alcohol etc which I try to do but have recently been slacking off on a bit due to increased stress and anxiety, low mood, poor quality of sleep. But I am determined to keep on top of it and try really hard to prevent getting any major heath problems when I get older. https://www.diabetesaustralia.com.au/type-2-diabetes

On Thursday night, I went to my HIIT Strength small group fitness training session at CinFull Fitness. Truth be told, I was in a really weird headspace tonight probably from all the millions of thoughts in my head and external distractions. My anxiety was ready to pounce (Seriously what are you doing here Michael? You’re not female, a mum or a housewife!) but I did my best to tell it to zip it. The female to male ratio doesn’t bother me all much and even if I don’t relate to the other clients, who cares? I’m there to improve my fitness and self confidence, not to catch up on the goss (no offence ladies!).

We did a circuit-style session with various stations set up, doing intervals of each exercise with a short 10 second break in between. There was a mixture of weight training (bicep curls, dumbbell power lifts, kettle bell squats) and resistance training (push ups, mountain climbers, battle ropes). The fatigue set in fast but overall I did okay. I think I just had a lot on my mind but the class was a positive distraction from it and we did have a few laughs which is always a good thing. https://www.facebook.com/CinFullFitness/

On Friday morning, I attended the individual intake session for the research study Addressing Insomnia in Adults with Autism held at La Trobe University Psychology Clinic in Bundoora. This is the first time I’ve participated in research that relates to both my autism and my sleep problems so understandably I was feeling a bit daunted by the whole idea. However, I brought my mum along to the psych clinic for support. Being my first time driving to this university campus, I did freak out a little with the traffic, trying to get my bearings and be sure that I was parking in the correct car park (we even witnessed a parking inspector doing the rounds, enough said!). https://aspergersvic.org.au/Research-Requests

Once I arrived at the Psychology Clinic (located inside the George Singer building), I did seem to relax a little. We met with a provisional psychologist named Eliza who gave me some information about the study and some questionnaires to fill out as well as a consent form and a withdrawal form. She then guided us from the waiting room into one of the consultation rooms. This session was more like a general interview just to get some insight into my medical background and sleep problems.

Eliza was very warm, compassionate and easy going. Certainly not as cold, clinical and formal as I was anticipating inside my head. She asked me about my family history, why I decided to participate in the study, my expectations about the group intervention, what will be involved, what I think causes me to have disturbed sleep patterns and lack of quality sleep and how it impacts on my daily lifestyle and well-being.

I told Eliza that I’ve been having these sleep problems for about two years or slow due to work-related stress, general anxiety and depression symptoms, having lots of pressure and expectations from society, keeping busy and having lots of commitments and not being able to switch my brain off. I usually go to bed around 10-10.30pm and it can take up to 1-1.5 hours to fall asleep. Then I usually wake up around 3 or 4am and again struggle to go back to sleep again. Overall, I get around 4 to 5 hours of sleep per night on average.

These sleep problems have had a major affect on my well-being including poor focus and concentration, low energy, daytime sleepiness, difficult in getting motivated, regular crashes, physical and mental burnout. The group intervention part will involve me wearing a actigraphy watch device that measures physical motion and sleep/wake cycles for 7 days and filling out an online sleep diary as well as attending 4 two-hour group therapy sessions on ways to manage and improve my sleep.

I’m really hoping that this research study will be a pro-active stepping stone for me in helping to improve my sleep problems and all of the symptoms that I’ve mentioned above. I’ve tried many different natural therapies including using a weighted blanket, lavender spray, relaxation and guided meditation videos, using a vapouriser machine, reading, writing down my worries, having a bath or shower, taking herbal sleep vitamins but none of these have been 100% effective. http://otarc.blogs.latrobe.edu.au/sleep-help-for-adults-on-the-spectrum/

On Friday night, I attended a ten-pin bowling social night for the Adults in Their Thirties Aspergers Victoria group held at Healthways Recreation Centre - Mont Albert North. I actually found this drive to be a lot more mentally draining than the one I did this morning especially driving through Surrey Hills and Box Hill. The roads are so damn narrow and when you’re not completely familiar with an area, you can easily get yourself lost. Luckily I had my Google Maps navigator lady switched on to prevent that from happening.

Besides the moderate amount of traffic and the long distance I had to travel, it actually wasn’t too difficult getting there. I arrived just a couple of minutes before 7pm and found a few of the other Aspies upstairs where the bowling alleys are located. This particular bowling area has been around since 1961 with a retro 1980’s inspired colour scheme and design, featuring splashes of red, blue, yellow and pink.

The computer monitors are also a throwback to 8-bit computer processors with green text on a black background. As we soon learned, all the scores had to be recorded manually on the keyboard which added an additional level of problem solving to the night (aka figuring out how many pins have been knocked down). It’s been around 6 years since I last did ten pin bowling but I was surprised to see my beginners luck returning with a few spares and a couple of strikes.

It was also nice getting to know a few new members I hadn’t met before and chatting with Marcus Heath and Lucas Eldridge in between turns. For dinner, the group leaders organised a delivery of pizzas in the function room / kitchen area next door as well as some drinks. I honestly didn’t feel like being that social tonight but it was just nice to have some social company for once considering how low I’ve been feeling lately. I really needed this night to get out of the house and be with other Aspies around my own age. https://aspergersvic.org.au/events-groups

“If you can't wake up in the morning ‘Cause your bed lies vacant at night. If you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely. Can't control it, try as you might. May you find that love that won't leave you. May you find it by the end of the day. You won't be lost, hurt, tired and lonely. Something beautiful will come your way.” Robbie Williams - Something Beautiful (2002)

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mikeyd1986 · 6 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 97, March 2018

On Monday morning, I attended my last Healthy Cooking on a Budget class for Term 1 at Balla Balla Community Centre, Cranbourne East. I missed out on the last two classes as I was feeling rundown and was also recovering from an ear infection last week but I was really glad that I could make it to the last class. It was only the 4 of us today with the others either busy, sick or turned off from the blustering, Winter-like conditions outside. So we ended up working individually for most of the class.

It was quite a productive class today with lots of food to prepare. We made a chocolate Easter cake with a dark chocolate butter icing, a melted chocolate “nest” and decorations plus pull apart herb and cheese bread rolls and a honey lemon chicken. Firstly, we combined 1.5 cups of plain flour, 1 cup of caster sugar, 4 tablespoons of cocoa powder, 1 teaspoon of bicarb soda, 1/2 teaspoon of salt, 1 cup of water, 1/3 cup of vegetable oil and 2 tablespoons of white vinegar into a mixing bowl and pouring the mixture into a 20cm round cake tin.

The dark chocolate icing involved melting 180g of cooking chocolate over a saucepan and combining it with 200g of unsalted butter, 250g of icing sugar and 1 tablespoon of milk and whipping it up with electric beaters. Next we made the chocolate nest which was pretty tricky. We used a small ceramic bowl with plastic wrap as a template and piped melted chocolate over it with long strands to make it look like a bird’s nest. Getting it stuck was the hard part as the chocolate fragments break apart very easily.

Later on we fried some chicken drumsticks and thigh pieces in a frying pan until they become a golden brown colour. We then placed them into a roasting pan and added a mixture of honey, lemon juice and kecap manis over the top with slices of lemon in between the pieces of chicken. You can then add some streamed vegetables and white rice to make it into a meal. I always learn a lot during these cooking classes and slowly my confidence in the kitchen is building up the more I practice these skills. http://www.ballaballa.com.au/programs-activities/cooking-programs/

On Monday night, I went to my RPM class with Claire at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. It’s been about 3 weeks or so since my last RPM class and tonight it was good to finally try out the new release, number 78, which featured a couple of challenging tracks especially track five with up to 8 attacks which tired me out pretty quickly. The new release features tracks including Jamiroquai’s Cloud 9, The XCERT’s Feels Like Falling In Love and Ghastly & Matthew Koma’s We Might Fall. It was good to see Claire making jokes about burning off Easter eggs and Hot Cross Buns this coming week as motivation to keep pushing hard. http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/classes/rpm/music-tracklists/

On Tuesday morning, I had my very first Kinesiology session with Carolyn King at Empowerkin Kinesiology in Berwick. I’ve known Carolyn for a year or two now after reading her book “Empowered Happiness” and following her blog and Facebook page. Today was the first time meeting her in person after winning a competition for a free kinesiology session. I really didn’t know what to expect at all but I went in with an open mind.

Of course the moment I walked into her clinic, she instantly detected how nervous I was feeling. This was no surprise as it happens every single time I meet somebody new or have a new experience. Kinesiology is the science of energy balancing and combines several different areas including Chinese medicine, anatomy and physiology. After she asked me to fill out a new client form and I talked about my mental health issues and recent diagnosis of High Functioning Autism, she got me to lie down on the bed.

She started doing some energy readings through my right hand and arm whilst explaining what was she doing and picking up. The biggest ones were feeling overwhelmed, shattered (doing too many things at once), stressed and internally angry. She also used some essential oils on my feet, hands and back of my neck as well as giving me my first crystal, a black obsidian, which is said to be a protective stone which absorbs negative energies.

I found it very easy to talk to her despite being nervous and reserved as we have very similar backgrounds. Both being diagnosed with depression. Both worked at very stressful and demanding jobs for a long period of time. Both very sensitive, gentle and kind hearted people. So I knew that she of all people would understand what I’ve been going through with work, family life, friendships, money struggles, being worried about the future and where my life is heading.

She gave me a large amount of advice and suggestions which I gracefully accepted and took on board with me. This includes walking bare foot on the grass or sand (grounding), keeping up with my writing and creative projects (write and burn, appreciation journal), trying out a boxing class to release anger and negative emotions, making a list of everything I’m doing and ranking their importance, making and using a worry box and surrounding myself with a white bubble to help deal with protecting myself from other people’s energies.

Of course some people wouldn’t be as open minded as I am towards an alternative therapy like kinesiology and Carolyn herself admits that she’s not a doctor but I like giving new things a go and this has been in the back of my mind for about a couple of years now. It wasn’t a rash decision and really a lot of Carolyn’s suggestions do make sense and are helpful when it comes to improving my life. Whether you believe in religion, spirituality or energy is quite frankly irrelevant if you’re striving for positive change within yourself, which I am. http://www.empowerkin.com.au/kinesiology.html

On Tuesday afternoon, I had my second session for Phase 1 of my Employ Your Mind course at WISE Employment Cranbourne. Thankfully the office Ally and I were in held a lot more privacy than the one I was in last week (notoriously called “the fish bowl”) so I didn’t have the distraction of people looking at me through a pane of glass. This week we looked at what Cognitive Remediation does and I completed a Dialogue of Working Ability (DWA) self-assessment which looks at the strengths and weaknesses in relation to work.

It’s quite interesting doing self-assessments as it forces you to critically think and be honest about your skills in a working environment in a holistic manner. Sometimes it can be hard working out which number to circle but I just try to go with my gut instinct. It’s important because the results will allow me to set some goals for areas that I can improve on in the future. https://www.arbetsterapeuterna.se/Global/Forlag/DWA%20affisch%20COTEC2012.pdf

On Tuesday night, I went to my first YARDfit session for the year at The Yard Strength & Fitness in Pakenham. I noticed how exhausted I was feeling driving down the Monash Freeway with time not on my side as usual. But I was determined to make it to the class regardless as I haven’t been that active in the last couple of weeks due to personal illness (aka my annoying ear infection). It was a quiet one tonight with just myself, Rodney Millar and Mandi Herauville but that was fine by me.

We warmed up by doing a few mobility stretches (walking lunges, standing bear crawls, squat jumps, open the gates) and some agility work outside (suicide running drill, sprints) with some orange cones spaced out. It didn’t take long for me to feel puffed out and fatigued but I knew that I was rusty and out of practice. http://livehealthy.chron.com/suicide-running-drill-8784.html

Next we worked on some front squats which I’ve only attempted a couple of times last year. The toughest part for me is dealing with the pressure on my wrists as you have to keep the bar resting on your deltoids (shoulders) as well as your elbows lifted up. Then there’s the balancing act of having to squat deep enough without dropping the bar. It’s pretty tricky but I could feel myself improving a bit the more I practiced. I managed to do 3 reps at 35kg. http://www.stack.com/a/front-squat

Lastly, our “Wyk” Hero WOD (Workout of the Day) involved doing five rounds of the following exercises for time: 5 front squats, 5 deadmen or rope climbs and a 400m run holding a 10kg plate. We actually practiced doing some rope climbs before the workout, trying to get the foot and hand grip right and then doing a Tarzan swing on the rope. Considering I’ve never attempted a rope climb before, I picked it up pretty quickly. I did need a lot of chalk on my hands to prevent rope burn but oh well. https://wodwell.com/wod/wyk/

The most challenging part of the workout for me was the 400m block runs. Holding the plate was really awkward as I couldn’t get a good grip on it and had to keep adjusting it. Plus it didn’t take long at all for me to burn out and I had to walk parts of it. But hey at least I hung in there and finished it. I managed to complete almost 3 rounds in 15 minutes which I was very happy with. https://www.facebook.com/TheYardStrengthandFitness/

On Wednesday morning, Mum and I enrolled in a Basic Life Skills short course at Merinda Park Learning & Community Centre, Learn Local RTO 3952 in Cranbourne North. The pink form that we had to fill in was very extensively detailed. They literally want to know everything from my past education history to my driver’s license details, USI number, disabilities and health issues. Plus two pages worth of terms and conditions. But I’m sure that a course like this will be very helpful for my growth and personal development. http://www.merindapark.com.au/all-courses/

On Thursday night, I attended an Adult Aspergers social night held at The Nerve Centre in Blackburn. I was still feeling restless from working late last night and from all the Easter shopping I had to get done today but I felt that it was really important to come to this meeting tonight to try to mingle with a few of the other Aspies. Tonight we played some board games and I decided to bring scrabble as it’s a childhood favourite of mine.

Half an hour in and I could already feel my social anxiety peaking with around 10 other people in attendance. It’s like the classic social event where everyone else around you is clicking and making conversation and you’re stuck in the middle not really knowing what to do. However, I did make the effort to drive all the way out to Blackburn for this and wanted to stay for at least an hour. Once again, the men’s toilets would act as my “safe room”.

Thankfully I didn’t need it nor did I have to slip out and bolt for the exit. It only took Ann speaking up to get the ball rolling and suddenly we ended up christening my board game. Once we all started playing scrabble, I began to relax considerably. I was sitting at the table with Dave, Roger, Lachlan, Ann and the group’s organiser Colin. Being my third time coming here, I was only barely scratching the surface when it came to names and who these people were but these things take time.

It was fun with all of us trying to remember how to play the game and bringing back a lot of nostalgic memories. Some of the other members were chatting away and having some serious conversations about religion, politics, languages and history but I personally wasn’t interested. I think I was more proud that I actually managed to stay at an Aspergers meeting for more than 2 hours. I seriously didn’t think I could do it but I proved myself wrong. https://aspergersvic.org.au/events

On Good Friday, I participated in my very first research study at Deakin University, Melbourne Burwood Campus. The study was to see how brain stimulation during sleep can help to affect memory formation. It was organised by Mr. Michael Barham, who is one of the principal researchers on the project. In some ways, it was a pretty daunting experience for me having never visited either Burwood or Deakin Uni before but I wanted to have an open mind and try it.

It took place in Building BC on Level 5 in two small rooms: one being a preparation room with computers and equipment and the other being the sleep lab. Michael explained everything to me and got me to fill out a consent form and several questionnaires on the computer about my background, how I was feeling and my handedness.

Whilst this was happening, Michael and the assistant were fitting an EEG (Electroencephalography) cap on my head and attracting electrodes to parts of my scalp. It was a weird feeling having wires being “twizzled” into my scalp with cool gel and pure alcohol added. Whilst it did hurt a little (mainly from the pulling of my hair), it wasn’t agonising and I figured that I could handle it.

Everything was going fine...until I had a sudden nervous reaction and began going pale in the face. The last time this happened to me was about two years ago after having a blood test at work and it’s far from pleasant. Michael and his assistant were quick to act, removing the cap, bringing me a glass of water and making sure that I was okay. I laid down in the sleep lab for a while to allow the blood to rush back. But ultimately I was feeling embarrassed and guilty about what just happened.

I had to withdrawal my participation from the study, though they still generously gave me the $20 gift card anyway. I think there was several things going on: general restlessness, not eating enough before the study, getting myself worked up and anxious internally, having to concentrate on the questionnaires during the prep. I guess it all got too much for me. However, I’m still proud of myself for making the effort to try it. https://www.facebook.com/CognitiveNeuroscienceUnit/posts/1688036141290041

Later that afternoon, I thought I’d give my friend Positivity Andrew (Andrew Hewitt) a surprise visit at the mental health facility that he’s staying at called Upton House in Box Hill. It’s been nearly 20 years since I last stepped into a mental hospital, the last time being to see my late Grandfather who was diagnosed with schizophrenia and depression (mental illness is literally all in the family). Thankfully the staff at Upton House seemed to be more friendly and positive than at that last place.

It’s not very often that I do spontaneous things like this but I genuinely care about other people, especially friends who are going through tough mental health issues. But Andrew was very happy to see me and I could tell he was grateful for my visit. He was staying in a casual family room with comfy grey sofas and a collection of toys in the corner. It’s always hard knowing what to talk about but I tried to embrace the awkwardness best I could. I love you Andrew! Stay positive, get better soon and get back with your bandmates in Distracted By Pink! https://www.easternhealth.org.au/site/item/102-inpatient-services-upton-house

On Good Friday night, I went to the Studio Opening Party of Aaron Petty’s new yoga studio called Level Up Yoga in Berwick (located above Personal Performance Training Centre). Considering this was a public holiday, this could have gone either way but thankfully there was about 18 students that turned up to tonight’s Vinyasa Flow class. It was good to see a couple of familiar faces tonight like Christian Reid and Daniel Cooper. Of course my social anxiety was lingering around like a bad smell. I can pretty identify most of my triggers now: meeting new people, being unable to breathe, sweating profusely, being in small spaces. But I tried hard to push all of these away tonight.

Aaron’s style of teaching yoga is very unconventional to most Traditional yoga teachers. There is a great deal of humour and unexpected surprises like doing an ice-breaking activity (Oh god!), forming a kum ba yah-like circle and chanting “Om” together, patting each other on the back and grabbing people from behind for support. But it’s all in good fun and not meant to be offensive or uncomfortable. These particular challenges are actually very helpful for me who struggles a lot in social situations and gets me out of my comfort zone.

Aaron’s classes are also very physically challenging especially with the lack of ventilation in the upstairs space. It didn’t take long for everyone to begin sweating on their yoga mats. We did many flowing sequences (Downward Facing Dog, Plank, Chaturanga, Cobra/Updog), Crescent Lunge into Arrowhead pose, Chair pose, Bridge pose and Pigeon pose. I struggled with balance and fatigue at times but never gave up. I think it’s also really important to have a laugh during your practice because that helps to curb the frustration of getting that “perfect pose”.

The addition of live musicians playing some chilled out yoga music was also a unique touch as was the presentation of the indoor plants and serving of tea. Aaron clearly went to a lot of effort for tonight’s event and I was really glad that I could be a part of it. https://www.facebook.com/levelup.yoga.berwick/

“In the dark I can feel the weight of the world. Pushing down on top of my shoulders. You think you're strong enough to carry it all? Go ahead, knock yourself out. I keep talking but no one listens. And I keep hearing things that I can't understand. And I see beauty in resistance. And I'm just trying to figure out who I am.” Michelle Branch - Knock Yourself Out (2017)

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