#I keep trying to tell myself that if it is cancer both my mom and grandma survived it

[raeathnos]

.

[kxxkiecxre]

・❥・SHOOT! || JEON JUNGKOOK ・❥・

Pairing: Jungkook x fem!reader.

Series: like a moth to a flame.

Summary: there’s never really a guide book on how to keep two important people in your life happy at the same time. Is there?

Warnings: sad, break ups, disloyalty, cancer diagnosis, idk? Just not a very happy chapter tbh. Stick with me though! Short chapter!

PREVIOUSLY… NEXT…

“I just don’t think the best way to tell her is by throwing her surprise party like she’s finding out the gender of her unborn child.” You sighed, going back to suck on the straw of your empty milkshake.

Jungkook swapped his Oreo milkshake for your empty kinder bueno one. He’s noticed when you’re super stressed or anxious you generally snack away on sugar mindlessly. Not that it’s a bad thing or something, he just finds it endearing.

“Maybe we can just not tell her…” you suggest, gulping down the Oreo milkshake like it’s your mission.

“So she can later bury us alive when she finds out?” He cringes.

Yeji would never. She’s too kind hearted to ever hurt anybody in any type of way and if her emotions do take a toll on her, she’s never the one to not apologise about it if she was in the wrong. Yeji is too smart. Too compassionate and sincere. It’d be silly to think she’d ever dehumanise you for dating her brother.

“Do you think she’ll be disgusted with me for dating her stinky brother?”

“How am I ‘stinky’” he pouts.

“Babe, you leave all your clothes everywhere, whether they’re fresh or not. I keep finding your socks all over my apartment, not to mention you like to just change outfits within seconds. Like I iron your decided outfit and make sure it looks perfect and then you’re all like ‘mmm no, the whites too muted” you rolled your eyes groaning.

His mouth opened in surprise. Doe eyes looking scandalised, “that’s only because you also change your outfit ideas last second! ‘Oh the glitter reflects different in this dress than on my shoes.”

It wasn’t exactly what you had in mind. The fight between Jungkook and Yeji was starting to escalate and you didn’t exactly know how to stop it or help. So you stood in the corner, balling up and trying your hardest not to crumble because you knew. You knew now more than ever. If she doesn’t agree to this, if she finds it weird or odd or whatever. There’s no way you can keep this going. Even if you love him more than yourself. Yeji is your best friend and even if technically you don’t need her blessing to date Jungkook, it’s morally wrong. You’ve sworn to her since childhood that you’d never date her brother.

“Why am I not allowed to be with someone that makes me happy!” Jungkook yelled.

“Because,” she would yell back an octave higher and suddenly it felt like you were a small kid and your parents were arguing all over again “because she is my person. She’s the one I befriended before you. Because she’s the only thing I have aside from you. I can’t let this happen. If you break up and I have to choose sides it’ll be the end for me. I won’t have you, I won’t have her. I won’t have anyone. Jungkook please,” she practically sobbed

“I’ve never said this before because I always hated it, but kook. Please. I have given you everything I had through out our life. I protected you. I loved you. I was there for you when our parents weren’t there for us. I gave you a piece of myself day by day, night by night because you are the only thing I had in life because I love you. I’m younger and I have surrounded my life around you. You were my hero, not dad, not mom, you. You were the man I loved first, ever. You were the man I wrote about in class. The man I imagined had a cape when I was growing up and was my hero,” you stood in the corner, crying silently, head down not able to even glance at yeji.

“Jungkook please.”

It was silent. All the tension, all the life sucking energy was hung in the hair as if it was a hair strand away from breaking into absolute chaos. You’ve realised then, that both of them stared at you. Jungkook had some sort of hope in his eyes, but he looked like he was two seconds away from throwing up too. Yeji was a sobbing mess. And it finally sank in. Nothing would ever go back to anything it ever was before. Ever. Not with yeji, not with Jungkook.

You licked your drying lips and bit onto the lower one, fiddling with the keys in your hands, looking at your feet before you realised it was hopelessly. You’d end up hurting either one of them in the end. The only thing you could do was remove yourself completely. Away from yeji and away from Jungkook. They’re more likely to forgive each other and yeji would definitely find friends. It was a losing fight for you any choice you made and if you knew you could at least give them a shot to fix their relationship, you’d hurt yourself just to keep both of them happy. They’d mend their hurt.

From the beginning this was destined for failure. From the petty fight with Jungkook to the sex to finally falling in love with him. It was all just building up to this. The fights that put a strain on your friendship with yeji, the sneaking around, the dishonesty. There was no going back at this point. You couldn’t fix it anymore. You were being selfish the minute you reciprocated the kiss with Jungkook that very night. It was all just going to go down the drain and you knew it was. That’s the thing. Yet you did because you couldn’t help how amazing it felt. To love Jungkook, to have him with you. Exactly, where it brings you now.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, “I can’t do this.”

You left the apartment in a rush, wiping your tears and hoping this pain would subside. Hoping you’d ever forgive yourself. The way both their faces dropped, the hurt and despair in Jungkooks eyes. Yejis eyes widening and jaw dropping as if someone just stabbed her in the guts. It had you so nausea you were seconds away from throwing up. The second the elevator opened you dashed outside, not so gracefully throwing up beside the door. Not that there’s any graceful way of throwing up.

Walking through the rain had all the memories rushing through you. From the first fight, where you couldn’t even look Jungkook in the eye, to the sex, to the moment you finally felt the love for him, to the fight when you were away to now. It was painful. This walk happened more than you’d ever liked for it to happen. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to choose. You just couldn’t. Because you loved Yeji, from growing up with her and matching outfits to school with little pigtails and matching clips, to starting high school together and walking in with your hands clasped together like two toddlers. To entering college. From heart breaks to success.

But you also loved Jungkook. He was always in the background of whatever you and Yeji did, he was always there to support and lift you when you fell down. He’s always loved you in no way any other man could ever. You knew that. Even when you didn’t pay attention to him. Even when you’d tease and ignore him. He always loved you. He was always there to protect you. It was breaking your heart bit by bit. You knew he was the man you saw a future with. The man you saw buying your first house with and having his kids. He was your universe. Your future. But you couldn’t do this to Yeji.

What is the point of being with him if you’d put a strain between yourself and yeji? If you took away his sister from him. She swore she’d never, ever speak to him again if you did continue dating each other and that was enough to prove to you that you never wanted to hurt any of them the way you knew it would if you decided in the moment that you chose Jungkook. Because even if you fought for both of them, it would have never been the same. At least now, you could still remain at least friendly with both of them without hurting them any further, or more painfully.

You didn’t want to be cruel. And maybe you were by the way you left. But you wouldn’t ever forgive yourself if you sabotaged their relationship for yours. So you decided to screw yourself up.

Sometimes, that just the way life is.

You finally agreed to have coffee with Jungkook. Just a simple coffee and nothing more. Even though it’s been two months, the tension is still high with Yeji. She hasn’t spoken much to Jungkook aside from the odd little conversation. Jungkook would come over plenty of times, to check up on her, and each time he’d come over, she’d be curled up on the couch, with the same dull expression in her face.

“you were the one who screwed this up Jungkook. The second you decided to fuck my best friend.” She’d always remind him.

It was the bitter truth, though. Because he is the reason why Yeji doesn’t smile as often anymore, or isn’t her bubbly self anymore. She always alone, aside from when Jungkook comes to her place and stays with her for a few nights, she has no one else. She always had you and that was enough for her. He’s screwed it up though. Big time. He fell in love with someone who was meant to be off limits. Someone his sister loved even more.

You sit across him with an odd expression. He has always been able to at least guess what you were thinking, today however, he can’t. Your eyes looked stoic. Empty. You showed no form of emotion on your face. You just sat with your legs crossed over the other and your hands mimicked your legs, loosely hanging of the edges. You were dressed smart, white dress pants and a white jacket with gold little buttons, a white button up underneath and white pumps. You were practically like a statue in front of him, a gorgeous one though.

Even in the state that you were, pale, dark circles under your eyes and void of any kind of emotion, you still managed to be the most beautiful woman in the room.

He swallow rather uncomfortably, his Adam’s apple bopping with the action. He looked nervous, his leg kept bouncing and his eyes were were everywhere but you. He’d look at you for a split second and then focus his gaze elsewhere. It wasn’t fun watching struggle like this.

He didn’t look bad. His skin was tanned and glowing, he must of gotten a haircut recently, perhaps an undercut? He was dressed like the usual him, baggy clothes. Comfortable. He still managed to look mesmerising and you were kicking yourself for even thinking like that, for letting your heart skip a beat any time you’d catch his gaze. For letting your skin form goosebumps every time you’d get a whiff of his scent reminding you of where you felt the safest. Most of all hating yourself because you came here to ask about Yeji. Not simp over the man that never leaves your head. The one singular man that has your heart breaking every day even more.

It was sick. What love can do to someone. It can test every single nerve in one’s body, it can fuck with your brain and make you into a robot rather than a human. It was nauseating what love can do to a human body. Sure it feels nice in the moment, but once that breaking point comes, your body crashes. It hates the pain, despises the feeling of your chest crushing and squeezing your heart like it was a poor man who owed money to the mafia. Like it was the victim of the school bullies, kicked and beaten for what? For a few moments of happiness?

Yet if you had the option to click a magic button and let yourself relive the happy moments, you would. You’d abuse it. Because the euphoric feeling was addicting. It felt better than sex, it felt better than a cup of hot chocolate during a winter storm, better than any sort of reward. It was essentially like crack. It’d slowly take every ounce of the best of you, and turn everything you once adored into pain.

“How are you?” His voice was small, like a scared child testing the waters.

You blinked, your expressionless face never broke character.

“I’m okay,” you replied in a more confident voice, “how are you?”

Jungkook looked down at the table, picking at the skin around his nails. His hand brushed around the nape of his neck, awkwardly.

“I’m,” his tongue poked his cheek, “I’m trying my best.”

“How’s yej-“

“I’m worried about yeji”

Your eyebrows shot up. Everything around you seemed to freeze in place and finally, the heart you have been protecting so much from breaking any further shattered all over again. You kept calm despite the fact that tears sprung to your eyes almost immediately. It was single handedly the worst thing he could have told you. It was something you thought you prepared yourself for, but nothing can ever prepare you for the pain of your loved ones suffering.

“She doesn’t have anyone other than me. Even then she doesn’t talk to me aside asking me what I’d like to eat or drink. She has no friends. She hasn’t smiled ever since that day, she’s lost a lot of weight too. I don’t know.. I don’t know how to help her Y/N.” His voice began breaking and your heart was ready to make its way out your throat and runaway on tiny little legs screaming for a break.

“Please help her.”

You closed your eyes, looking away from him.

“Okay.”

The look in her eyes had you terrified. She looked as if she was just one step away from breaking or perhaps shooting you. She stood across the room from you with the angriest and sharpest look you have ever seen on her. She was like a lioness ready to pounce to protect her cubs and it scared you to death.

More than anything, she looked so fragile. So poorly. As if she was sick and it was making you anxious. Even weeks before the fight, she started looking sickly. She was a lot more tired than before, and coughing almost all the time. It made you wonder, if maybe she was, sick?

“Yeji?” You asked gently, “can I talk to you please?”

There was a beat of silence, “now? After you left me when I need you most? Now?” She yelled.

You bit onto your inner cheek, hanging your head in shame, “I still care about you. I’m so sorry. I love you so much and I regret ever leaving you. But I need you to talk to me.”

She began crying and it had you rushing to her, practically breaking your ankles as your grabbed her delicate body to yours, hugging her as tightly as you could. As if you could just put her in your heart and keep her forever safe. She gripped onto your jacket, sobbing into your shoulder as you ran your hand through her head. Hugging her closer to your body.

Her entire body was shaking as you held her, your heart was aching as you sat on the couch. Jungkook stood at the kitchen island, biting his lips as he watched the two of you. Hating himself for doing all this to both of you because he was so selfish about you.

“Don’t freak out please,” she began, licking her chapped lips, “I have cancer,”

Jungkook stilled, his body raised in goosebumps everything he’s ever loved, everything he’s ever protected her from, all of the worrying about her, the one thing no one can protect another from, happened. And it was like someone pulled the rug beneath his legs. He could barely breathe.

“I- I had cancer?,” she questioned, “I, um, I had surgery, a small one, to remove the tumour, it was the mole on my back, they removed it successfully. I just need a few rounds of chemo to make sure the cells are all gone and have my bloods done every couple weeks to check my marks.”

“Yeji…” your bottom lip trembled, “why didn’t you tell me before?.”

She sighed, sniffling, picking at the pillow between both of you, “because,” she shrugged, “you weren’t here much. You were away for Jungkook’s fight, and the surgery date was set on the day. I thought I could tell you when you’d come back. But then all that happened.”

“That doesn’t matter, Yeji. You are the most important to me. I would’ve dropped everything for you.”

“That’s exactly why,” she smiled sadly, “I didn’t want to stop anyone’s life for me. After all I’m fine. It wasn’t anything serious.”

You held her hand, kissing it as you leaned her into your chest. Holding her, “you’re so strong yeji. You’re the strongest woman I know.”

Jungkook sat on the other side of his sister, leaning onto her and holding her just as tightly as you held her, “I’m so sorry.”

“Guys I’m okay I promise.”

No matter what she’d tell you. You’d forever blame yourself for leaving her lonely during all this. The fact she had to be alone during the hardest days of her life was unfair. You were truly a bad friend and you wish you could go back and look at the signs. They were all there. Yet you didn’t even pay enough attention to realise it.

“I still can’t believe you touched my brother.” She fake gagged, making you chuckle.

“He’s not all that anyway.”

A/N: sorry?

MASTERLIST

any copying of my work is strictly prohibited. E.G : recreational work, translation or copying.

[ohnoitsthebat]

An update

Tomorrow (Thursday) marks one week of chemo. We still have 3 more weeks, but hopefully, they will fly by quickly. It feels like they are crawling by at this point.

No major side effects yet, despite my mom having radiation treatments every day except for Saturday and Sunday and taking chemo pills. The doctors said that she will probably start experiencing symptoms during the second week, so I guess we'll see. I'm hoping that she won't have any side effects other than nausea and fatigue. Both of those are manageable.

I'm trying not to think about the treatments, and live life normally, but it's difficult. I'm not gonna lie. I'm trying my hardest to put it in the back of my mind. I just keep telling myself that April 1st will be here before I know it, and hopefully, the chemo & radiation get rid of the cancer.

It's just hard. I know I'm complaining a lot, and I'm sorry. I'm doing the best I can.

Please continue to send me and my mom good thoughts/positive energy. It means a lot to me. I love you all.

[mx-lamour]

Hauntings of the Mind

Some personal meta/background for Bloodstain/"It's all right." (and that last sonnet):

My best friend and guardian died when I was 8-1/2 years old. At night, before I fell asleep, I would usually see him walk past my door, doing his rounds of the house to make sure everything was as it should be.

I watched him die. It wasn't my hand that killed him, wasn't even my choice to make, but somehow I felt responsible. It wasn't even my first dead body, or even my first dead loved one, but it was the first time I'd witnessed the spark of life leave someone's eyes. The first time I'd felt the breath leave someone's body under my touch and not come back.

When I tell you my best friend and guardian was a cat, it doesn't matter. When I tell you he was 18 years old and ready to go, it doesn't matter.

I bargained with whatever god would listen to give him back to me. He wasn't even mine; he'd been my dad's best friend since he was a kitten. My pleas went unanswered.

My mom has told me her story of taking care of her father through his struggle with cancer. There came a point when it was clear he was never going to make it, but it was near Christmas time, and my grandpa was a stubborn fiend who refused to die on what was supposed to be a joyful occasion.

When January came, my mom bravely went to him and said, "It's okay, Dad. You can go now."

That was my first funeral. I was two years old then. And, according to my mom, I wouldn't leave the casket's side. This explains why I have such a vivid memory of looking down on my grandpa's waxlike hands holding a red rose. My grandpa loved roses. He tended them.

That's beside the point.

Around the time I was 13, I started having dreams that someday I would have to kill my romantic partner, whoever that would be. It wasn't so self-direct. I was a daydreamer and a reader of books, so I would make up stories. But sometimes they were only scenes.

And one of those scenes which plagued me was the image of someone kissing their lover, then stabbing him in the gut. They didn't want to do it; they had to. Tears streaking down their face, they apologized while the dying one looked on in shock.

I never really made the connection as to why.

Now, I'm married to a man who is nearly always struggling. He's chronically ill and terribly intelligent and horribly depressed. Inside of all that muck is a sweet, imaginative little boy who long ago lost his brother and his faith in all things. Now a grown man, he's also practical. Pessimistic. A bit obsessive-compulsive. He DM'd our Curse of Strahd campaign.

We both fear abandonment.

When his thoughts have taken a dark turn, as they sometimes do, he considers giving himself over to death. To not have to try anymore.

Early on, this terrified me. "But I'm here," I would think, never realizing my mistake, that it had never helped before.

And sometimes that image would come back to me unbidden: Would I have to kill him myself one day? If I couldn't bear the thought of him hurting himself, but if there was also little choice left in the matter, would I do the work for him, to retain some modicum of agency in our doomed relationship? There seemed to be little else I could do.

This was, of course, very distorted thinking. And I never did do that thing, and I suspect we never will go through that. We're getting better. And we're changing side-by-side.

But there were several times, probably yearly if I would have been keeping track, possibly close to the anniversary of his brother's death, when I wondered if and when I would be forced to put the man I love out of his misery.

Because I know what grief is. And I know regret, and rage, and despair. I know it hurts. And I know it's exhausting. I know.

And with the amount of perseveration that goes on in my anxious autistic head (or did, especially before I'd done any real healing, myself) I know that the inability to fix your own tragic mistakes, to correct for factors you couldn't have known about is devastating.

I know how an event can haunt you into eternity, throwing you into a repeat of that same moment, again and again, from something so little as the passing of a number on a calendar page, and still leave you bereft of any real closure.

The window glass is so horrifying because, even though you can see tragedy unfolding on the other side, there is little you can do about what you cannot touch, whether what you're reaching for is the past itself or the despair clouding another person's mind and heart.

[snaileo]

gonna write this post to reflect upon things before the year ends - it will be long

i dont know how to start this - or how to even express my thoughts. but this year was hard - very hard and i wish i could remember what i was doing last year. last new years eve, but i cant remember. i wish i could tell my past self, that in a few days time, you would learn that your mom's cancer came back and then 8 months after that, on the dot, she'd pass away. obviously i cant. this last month has been especially hard, not that i was excited for christmas anyway, but it was my first one without her. one thing id do every year is check everyday for xmas music to come on the radio, which i did excitedly??? this year, and on nov 10th, it started and my excitement was cut abruptly when i realized i was alone in the apartment, without her to exclaim it too. it hit me all over again. its so hard to go into her room even though i have too bc the washer and dryer are in that particular closet, and it still feels like shes there. its eerie. its hard for me to associate this absence of her with being gone because this is just what her room looked like when she kept having week long hospital stays every month since may - so it was no different right? but i gotta keep telling myself that it is, that shes not coming home. Well she *is* home but not how I knew her.

both my dad and i felt this time was different, long before the complications began. i remember having that conversation with him, anxiety gripping every part of my being, something just felt different about all this - and it wasnt until months later that our fears would be confirmed. one of the things i struggle with most is guilt. feeling like i couldve done more, that i shouldve done more, that i was her caretaker and she died - i feel like i let her down, i feel like maybe if i had done this or that, it would be different, that she would still be here. i try to tell myself i did all i could but its difficult. i simply feel like i failed. i failed her. she deserved better than what she got -

she had seemed so invincible to me, with all that she had survived in her life, the way she carried herself with each thing she overcame - but in that final week, the one she spent in the ICU till she passed - i saw her slowly break down, her body slowly give in - i was really hoping she would Bounce Back, like she always did, so many close calls in her life, but she always came back - i was anticipating the next week when she would be out of the ICU, back at the apartment, talking about how she survived yet again -- but that didnt happen.

i completely broke after her passing, and had a solid month of feeling, disassociated from myself - deep within an existential crisis and grief - really truly grappling with what death is - and it took a while to realign myself. im still not okay - but im better than i was then. im still very lonely. the amount i spoke to my mom, daily, was something i never even realized until after she passed. i cant talk to my dad the way i talked to her - she had a near photographic memory and could recount stories and tell them in such an engaging way that i hate that i do not have a single fucking recording of her telling any story. that i no longer will hear her recount her life to me, tell me as if it happened yesterday.

im finding new things everyday that i didnt even realize i'll miss.

she believed in an afterlife, in spirits and heaven, and i hope, for the sake of the terrible hand she was dealt, that there is an afterlife, that she gets the happiness and peace she deserved. i found a lot of comfort in reading people's stories about seeing deceased loved ones in dreams, ones that feel like a visit, whether or not theyre truly a visit or just what the heart needed - it was comforting. one thing i didnt foresee was how painful the dreams she appears in would be. how painful to see her or hear her, or just knowing shes there - and then i wake up. reality hits. one odd thing to note is the first time i had dreamt about her after her passing, i wasnt allowed to look at her, i knew she was there, somewhat in my peripheral but there was a voice telling me "do not look at her, dont look at her" it was a strange feeling, it was so vivid. most of my dreams now that consist of her are typical dreams, tho a portion of them have me baffled that shes even there and i try to ask her How??? i thought you were dead, and she would come up with some excuse or some way how she survived. its a strange feeling. dreams are strange.

realizing this is getting too long. if you stuck with reading this whole post thank you i guess. this was meant for me to vent and reflect. especially since my mom was born in the year of the dragon, and 2024 will be the year of the dragon.i dont know how to end this post.

[jewtastic]

The anger is the worst of it, I think.

I'm no even angry as part of grieving right now, I don't think. I'm angry because of the way I was treated, how we were kept in the dark, how my mother-in-law decided that no one needed to know she was dying until only four months before she died.

She found out almost two years ago now, and she kept that a secret.

She refused treatment and decided to die without telling a single person in her family. She didn't reach out very often, she barely spoke to us unless we called first, and we had a huge issue with one another right before then, about money of all fucking things.

We called her on Thanksgiving to speak to her, to try and reach out from a thousand miles away. And between thank you's and happy holidays, she dropped it like it was nothing.

"I have bone cancer."

She said it like you tell someone you got your hair cut. Like when you tell them your car is in the shop. Like news that doesn't matter, little details of your daily life that are unremarkable.

"How far along is it? Are you in chemo?" "It's stage four. They think it's in my blood as well. I'm getting surgery for my hip. I broke it and my back while I was working." "What do you mean you broke your back?" "I have fractures in multiple vertebrae and my scapula. We're trying to figure it out."

And then she said she had to go, rushed off the phone with barely an "I love you."

I cried for days that night.

Both in grieving and anguish, but also in frustration and anger.

How could you know something, for so long, and treat it like it was nothing? How do you decide not to tell your children?

How do you make the decision to leave them without once telling them what was happening?

By the time she actually opened up, and told us anything, it was too late. She started chemo too late. All it did was make her sicker, the cancer spread, it corrupted and ate and destroyed my mother.

I am a thousand miles away from her ashes now.

I didn't even know it was her funeral today. No one told us.

They didn't tell us when her heart stopped and she had to be resuscitated. They didn't tell us when she decided to go into hospice care.

We had only a few minutes to call and say our goodbyes over the phone.

She couldn't say anything back, because a tumor had grown over her vocal cords.

My sister in law told us that she had stopped breathing twice, but started again on her own. That she couldn't move anymore, and that she had had to have her hand held to sign her own DNR.

It took only four days from our goodbyes to the text that said it.

Mom's dead.

We got an email only an hour later, a digital signature to authorize her cremation.

We were kept in the dark by nearly everyone. No one thought of us long enough to tell us what was happening. They were angry that we didn't come back to see her in person, or to attend the funeral. They don't want to understand that we financially, physically, cannot. They hold it against us that we moved away, that we didn't come back to see them or take care of her before this all started.

I'm mad that we didn't know what was happening with enough time to make plans to do just that.

I'm so.

So.

So.

Angry.

It keeps hitting me in waves. The anger. The disbelief. The grief.

I cry like a wounded animal, alone in a small space. In the dark. Where I know I won't be seen, and I won't be heard.

I'm a thousand miles away, but I covered the mirrors and opened all the windows.

I sat in the Southern Heat for hours, tears cutting through my sweat, leaving stains on my skin. I pressed a pillow to my mouth and I screamed until I was hoarse and then lit candles and incense to try and convince myself to remember the best of her.

To celebrate her memory instead of wallow in my anger and grief.

I'm not sure I can do that yet.

I'm just too angry right now.

[relativelydefected]

It’s funny cause.. in my last post I said something to the effect of “Terminal is not a death sentence.”

Come to find out it really is..and I was just in denial.

My mom passed away on July 10, 2023 at 1:36pm at HopeHealth Holister Hospice.

She had metastatic non small cell lung cancer that spread to her brain.

I had always questioned whether it was breast or lung, as she had both at one time. But it was first breast that metastasized to lung and the death certificate officially ruled that it was the lung cancer in the end.

I don’t really know what made me come back to this.. tumblr account. I guess it’s like my safe place to blog.

I don’t know if anyone I know sees this or bothers to read it but knowing that people might not makes me feel like I’m safe to speak what’s on my mind without feeling like I’m whining or sad all the time.

This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. It’s indescribable. There has not been one day that has gone by since she passed that I haven’t cried at some point during the day. Mostly at night when everything is quiet and my kids are sleeping or I’m by myself. I’ll think and cry or I’ll remember something in cry.

I go to work and I put on this smiling face and pretend everything is fine cause I don’t want people to worry and I need to make money cause no one else is around to pay my bills. But I feel like an egg that’s been cracked open, once it’s cracked you can’t put it back together.

I’m not trying to sit here and say woe is me and I don’t want people around me to feel bad for me. If anything that is the worst thing cause when people feel bad or they try to hug me or whatever I know they mean well but it just makes me more sad.

I never in my life imagined it would come this soon. One week she was good, one day she was talking and she went to sleep and never talked again. It’s was that fast.

I wake up everyday still not believing she’s dead. I used to have dreams about my mom dying all the time. When I say ALL THE TIME I mean ridiculous amounts of times. When I’d tell my mom this she’d tell me.

“If you have dreams of me dying it just means I’m gonna live longer.”

I’m waiting for someone to fucking shake me and tell me this was all a dream.

I feel like I took time for granted. And the only lessons this really taught me is that life is short, in an instant it can be gone and at times like these you really come to find who is really there for you who are the real people in your life are the ones that actually show up.

I’m not close to anyone in my family aside from my children and my dad.

So I pretty much feel like I’m basically on my own my dad doesn’t contact as me as much as my mom did. Not to say he isn’t helping me he is I just don’t feel the bond with him that I had with my mom. I know it will take time and it will build but not yet.

I feel like I’ve grown as a person these past few weeks and gotten stronger as a person. Emotionally not so much. But as far as keeping everything neat and tidy and organized in my house of chaos. I’ve been able to maintain a nice home and up to my responsibilities. Something I fell back on when she was around due to depression and anxiety and all the build up.

I’m trying to live the life my mother wanted me to do and be the person she wanted me to be when she was alive.

I was weak and lonely and depressed and just this pathetic shell of a person but i feel like I’ve come out of this stronger knowing I have to carry on for my dad and my kids.

I just hope she is watching down on me and she is proud to see the person I’m becoming for her.

[kdraababy]

mostheartlessbitchiknow;

What kind of a monster could be so heartless just to shut down their babysister from any chance of closeness to a “normal” family.?Female version of Lucifer damn near barely begins to explain the evilness that lies in my “sister”. For someone who can be a big sister to people who don’t share the same blood, name, mom, looks, etc... Sure as fuck never gave me the time of day. Hated me since birth, I didn’t deserve to not have her. Being a lost sad lonely girl all by herself in this fucked up world I really NEEDED YOU. You never loved me nor cared. I would have done anything you asked me to do, I woulda killed for you, I looked up to you... Now I look at you with a level of HATE I've never felt so strong in my heart it’s saddens me that I ever had to feel this... but I'm so broken inside because of you. You are the fakest bitch that I know, I could never turn away my family like you did. you think your better then everyone and you run from your problems worse then a drug addict does. for fucksake you move all the way across the states to hide from them. you’re gonna end up just like grandma Vicki did.. I should have known letting you know I found MY baby sisters that you would be so evil to ruin their own opinions and cloud there heads with fake ass shit that you think that you know anything about when in all reality your so naive and have no clue but think you have it all figured it out. You’re a selfish, jealous, drama filled cunt. You have no idea of half the things MY mom, has been through you think you got her all figured out huh? WRONG. you don’t even know her, you couldn't ever live through a week in her shoes, let alone ever measure out to half of what she is. How dare you do that to your kids? they loved her and you keep them from her cause your immature and can’t handle the fact it’s not your way so you make them suffer and try to make it seem like she’s fucked off for leaving them when you couldn’t honestly expect her to live with you forever..hahah good joke she’d beat your ass after another couple months if she would have to stay longer. She has stage 4 cancer and it is slowly spread to other places... she lost all of her hair twice, she has a port that they inject chemo into her entire body thats in her chest and goes up to her neck... She lived in a tiny house with no warm bathroom while undergoing some of the most painful parts of her treatment with a smile on her face.. It took me a lot to get her to move in with me and stay with me and Grayson cause she’s so stubborn and didn’t want us to see her like that. Thats when she needed her kids most... Did you even give a fuck that the women who gave you life was going through that? probably not. how someone like you ever came from her makes me wonder how? I never understood a lot of things either when I was ten years old, and I broke a promise to myself, and to you that I'd never do drugs, but you know what it taught me more then you will ever learn in your entire life... I don't care how many books, websites, doctors, or tv shows you hear or see, you will never know what being an addict is like... once I became an addict I understood so much more about the things that lead up to everything that we thought that we knew about us getting taken.. by any means I'm not excusing any of it but you know what people make mistakes, and thats okay, because we are only human. and let me tell you how much my kids love her, and she's an amazing grandma... at least I know when she's not here anymore I never turned her away, and let my kids know their REAL BLOOD FAMILY. but I'm here to talk about me enough about my mom. when I lost both of my parents to prison, why weren't you there for me? why didn’t you ever love me? you just gave up on me so easy... I could never do that to you... I had to teach my self everything I know, from how to do my make up to how to pick out bras, to my first heartbreak, to my first pregnancy... you never were there for any of it.... I used to cry myself to sleep feeling so abandoned by you and even mom sometimes.... I had to get on anti depressants because my grandma Nicky was scared I was gonna kill myself.. why do you feel the need to ruin my life and try and make people think im a monster? please tell me one thing I've ever done wrong to you? to my niece and nephews that don’t even know me, to my baby sisters that I didn’t see for 17 years that you’ve turned against me... I didn’t have to tell them about you, that you were alive, I coulda said you were fucking dead like you have been preteneding I am to you for about 10 years now.... but I couldn't EVER DO THAT TO YOU OR THEM. but I'm sure that you could have done it to me, in a heartbeat and used some weak ass justification like “ your protecting them from the heart break you had to deal with”.. you don’t even have a heart so I know for facts you don’t know the half of what a fucking broken heart feels like. here I am almost 30 years and still crying over my “big sister” not loving me cause it still fucks me up worse then any pain you’ve ever known... you make me sick to my stomach I hate you for not being there for me, for not loving me.

[shadowfromthestarlight]

Pretty much every time we talk my mom has worse news about the son of one of her best friends, someone I’ll always care about in the way you care about your first childhood friends. He’s my age, supposed to turn 30 in December, and he has a stage 4 brain tumor. He’s battled cancer before, starting when he was 17, and it never fully went away. things were going well for him when the cancer came back earlier this year. He’s in experimental treatment and apparently not doing well, he’s unable to do most things he used to do, and there’s no telling how long the treatment is going to keep him alive. I don’t know what’s saddest about the situation...

the fact that both of his parents are also cancer survivors and he’s survived cancer before and now it’s back and it’s just like hello? universe? really? why this family? why?

or the fact that he’s at the age where all you have to do is open your social media and all you see is people living their best life, buying houses and getting married and attending a wedding every other weekend and having babies and adopting dogs and starting new jobs and traveling with their friends and having more babies and getting more dogs andddddd he’s in experimental treatment just to see if he can live long enough for the next treatment to come along.

Whoever’s read this long, I would totally appreciate it if you add this person to your prayers. It’s a really hard situation to accept and I feel at a loss when I try to pray for him and his family... I keep saying things like, Lord, I don’t understand, I’m sorry but I don’t understand when I pray for the treatment to be successful or at least some glimmer of hope, something. I've always thought anger and resentment towards God didn’t make sense, and I continually tell myself that life, no matter how hard it might seem to people living today, is easier than it’s ever been in human history. But this is the unfairness of life staring me right in the face. And it’s hard! It’s hard to trust that God will really make things better in this situation when He hasn’t yet. I know it isn’t the right thing to say. Maybe there is no right thing to say. 

[westernbitch]

chapter 10!! Angst ahead!

I wake up the next morning in a big t-shirt and my clothes are folded on the dresser. I slipped on my clothes and walked down to the kitchen. "Good morning sweetheart!" I cringe. I 'shhh' Rip and walk out the door. I walk to the stable and meet Carter, "hey, this is the new one that JB brought us. Dad worked on him for a bit yesterday, but you seem to get the job done." I kissed his cheek and took the horse to the arena. "Good mornin!" Travis seemed extremely peppy this morning. I furrowed my brow and groaned. "I brought you orange juice and Advil, drink up." I took the cup and the pills. I stretched and pulled my body to get myself ready. Rip and John walk up to the area. "Good mor-" both Rip and Travis hush John. I go up to Rip and point at his jacket. He takes it off and passes it to me. I zip it up and get on the railing near the horse. I grab the horn and hop on. He immediately hops in the air. I hold on tight with my legs and my arm is keeping my balance in the air. I start to feel him comply with my riding when he gets spooked by a snake. I feel myself flying in the air, before I can land, Rips jacket gets stuck on something. I feel  my head slam into the durt. I lay on the ground. "Fuck! Evy!" Travis comes running to me, Rip, John and Travis follow. I get up and start walking, practically stumbling, through the pain. "Evelyn. Slow down and let me help you to the ground." 

I am sitting on the ground. Tyler has a icepack to the back of my head. "Llyod! Bring him back!" Tyler shakes his head no, but I interfere, "Llyod, please bring the horse over here." I get off of the ground and feel better. Tyler looks down at me and puts his hands on his hips. "Do you really want to test me Evelyn?" His bright blue eyes are on blazing and he looks like he is angry. I push past him to the horse. JB walks up and starts talking to Travis. "Evy, I can come back when you feel 100% or Rip can test him." JB gives me a hopeful look. "No disrespect sir, but I can handle the horse. I am fine, but you should check on Tyler though." Tyler turns on his heels and sighs. "Evy May, ride the horse if you want. If you get hurt- " Tyler stops. He clenches his jaw.  I hop on the fence, jump on and hold onto the bronc tight and kick hard. He bucks harder than before. We buck for about a minute. "Woohooo, look at that girl go!" The ranch hands have gathered around to watch. I twist my hands in the reins and pull up hard. The horse yields and submits to me. We make our way around the circle. "John, I will take him." JB pulls out his check book and calls the owner to tell him about the deal. Tyler walks off to the stables. I pass the reins to Travis and walk up to him. 

"What the fuck is your deal? You act like I am a little girl. I have fucking taken care of myself since my mom got cancer. I don't need you to take care of me." I turn toward the house. Everyone is staring. I walk into the house. I walk past Beth and go to my room. I slam the door and go into my closet. I slide on a pair of shorts, a tank top and my tennis shoes. I walk down the stairs and to the front door. John walks in and puts his hat on the stand. "I'm going on a run, I will be back before dinner." I leaned over and kissed his cheek and put my headphones in.

I make it about 4 miles into the ranch and I finally meet the grass. I take a break and look around. I jump. Tyler is on a horse behind me. "Sit down." I stand with my hands on my hips and look up at him. He gets off the horse and walks up and puts his hands on my hips. He throws me over his shoulder. I started to kick and try to wriggle my way out. He uses his other hand to put a blanket on the ground and put a basket on top of it. He lowers himself to the ground and slides me onto the ground. "Let go of me!" His hands are pinning mine above my head. He leans down and kisses me. It's soft but intense. I feel a sensation building in me. He moves his lips from mine and trails kisses all the way to my collar bone. I gasp. "I'm sorry baby. I didn't mean to get upset, I just don't like--" I stare into his eyes waiting for him to talk. "I don't like the idea of you getting hurt." He leans down and kisses me again. I stop trying to pull my arms away. He is moving down my sides with his hand. I feel his rough hand grab my ass and squeeze. "Fuck," I moaned. He moved his lips and tongue skillfully around my neck. I feel my head start to spin. I grab at his back through his shirt, gripping for stability. His lips pull away and he starts to laugh. "Baby, I would love to continue, but we need to get to dinner."

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

Have you ever held hands with someone in a car? of course, although it’s funny cause he always has to keep letting go to switch gears lol

Would you ever try being a vegetarian? I mean it’d be so hard to give up a lot of things I love to eat but...I’d give it a shot yeah, I love a lot of healthy shit too. I’m a sucker for salads, veggies are one of my top go to snacks...although I’d probably struggle the most giving up seafood so I’d be more likely to be vegan (promise I wouldn’t ever brag about it or push it like most lol)

Would you ever like to meet Marilyn Manson? not after hearing how he treats his spouses. I’d wanna beat the shit out of him.

What would you call yourself the King or Queen of? Fuck Ups

What do you think the world would be a very lonely place without? music and animals

Do you have a favorite science topic? I love pretty much all science. I love genetics and anatomy, I love social behaviors of animals and ecosystems, etc.

Do you watch any of the Olympic events? not usually, if I do it’s usually curling and gymnastics

Is teenage pregnancy common in your area? I wouldn’t know, don’t know anyone really in my area especially that age

Do you know anyone that’s ever suffered from post-natal depression? yeah my aunt although she wasn’t diagnosed, she fit it to a tee with her youngest son

When did you last use public transport? umm not sure if Uber would count which I use all the time so as far as buses? back in 2015-2016 to get to and from work

What is your strangest fear? I actually think all of my fears are pretty reasonable and common, don’t really have any I think would be considered strange

Shane Dawson: funny or annoying? never really watched any of his content so not sure

What is the funniest YouTube video you know? funny animal compilations, some public freakouts depending on the level of ridiculousness, Markiplier, old school Vines...a lot lol

Do you want to get married? If so, what color will your dress be? yes I’m engaged for 2 years now, going on 3 and most likely the typical white dress but I’ll figure that out when we can actually finally start planning and looking into it

Ever had a caricature done of yourself? How much was it, and were you satisfied with it? no and I’m kinda apprehensive of having one considering it’s exaggerated features so...chances are they’re gonna really point out my jaw, and my head is big enough as it is so...meh

Do you like peanut butter and fluff sandwiches? ooooooh my god shut up now I’m dying for one! I’m starving!

If you got married and then got divorced, would you want to re-marry? probably not...couldn’t take that heartbreak again..

Have you ever been accused of cheating? no

How about having an eating disorder? oh yeah many times

How long did your last relationship last? I’ve been in my current one for 7 years which is the longest relationship for both of us 

Have you ever been banned from anywhere? no

Who was your date to senior prom? my girlfriends, we didn’t have dates so we went stag and made it a girls night and had a blast

Is your mom over 50? yep turning 57 this October

Do you know anyone who’s biracial? yeah

Are black bras sexy? yeah I usually get black ones myself

Are you currently listening to anything? Court Cam on TV

Would you ever consider getting breast implants? yes but not for cosmetic reasons like usual...to even them out given certain aspects of a rare form of cancer I have, I know most women have one slightly bigger than the other but my size difference is more pronounced than that so I’d do it just to be more even and I wouldn’t go all out and huge.  Are you on birth control? I have been in the past, need to get back on it

Do you know anyone who is bisexual? yeah

Does anyone call you babe? my fiance and mom

Who would you tell, or who did you tell when you lost your virginity? my stepmom and stepsister had been home when he was over, and left to go to the store to give us some privacy...well, things happened and he had to go so they came home like minutes after he left and were gushing over it wanting details lol then my dad came home a little while later from work but my stepmom had already texted/called him to tell him so...the look on his face when he came in and looked at me sitting on the couch was priceless XD 

What was the last video game you played, if any? Pokemon Scarlet earlier, bout to hop back on in a bit lol

Are you one of those people who listen to songs on repeat? definitely

Is your body similar to your parents’ or siblings’ body? not really, I’m taller than my mom given her whole side of the family are on the shorter/average side and I’m 6′0″ from sperm donor’s side, and I’m thin with long legs. my mom’s side are short and stocky. 

Are you, in general, usually cold or warm? I overheat so easily because of an illness I have and it’s impossible to cool down no matter how hard I try

Would you rather be somewhere very very hot or very very cold? ugh I hate the cold and can’t stand freezing but at the same time the heat is a death sentence for me medically most of the time so it’s 50/50 I need somewhere balanced in the middle

Are “school friends” and friends different to you? not really

When is the last time you laid out and tanned? never, besides I can’t tan. one, I’d get skin tumors like crazy from my cancer and I’m way too pale from the Irish in me so I’d burn more than tan anyway

Do you like breaded chicken sandwiches? yeah the chicken ranch BLT sandwich at McDonalds is/was my shit! 

Are you comfortable discussing bodily functions with your friends? usually yeah

What was the last book you had to read for school and did you enjoy it or were you just trying to get through? it was The Great Gatsby or The Catcher In the Rye, forget which one was last. I loved both of them respectively for many reasons.

Favorite home-cooked meal growing up? homemade pasta sauce for spaghetti, having Italian roots are awesome ;)

What was the last food you got a random craving for? I’m starving and broke until tomorrow so Im craving EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING right now!

If your best friend was a fictional character, who would he/she be? Why? not really sure at the moment my brain is mush

What’s the nicest thing your best friend has ever said to you? a lot of things, it’s hard to pinpoint just one... What is your least favorite pizza topping? judge all you want, I love the fruit itself but pineapple on pizza. no.

Who was the last blue-eyed person you spoke to? mom over the phone

When you woke up this morning, what was on your mind? going back to sleep

At this moment, what are you most looking forward to? tomorrow so the money transfer goes through and I can DoorDash 

Who were the last 3 males you talked to? fiance, Brad, Uber driver

If you have a pet, when did you last pet him/her? last night

Do you have a favorite hair color or eye color on your preferred sex? it doesn’t really matter to me

The last song you listened to - does it remind you of anyone? not particularly, was just jamming on shuffle

What did you have for lunch yesterday? leftover sausage pizza from Little Caesars  Are your eyes the same color as your sibling’s? no

Have you received any compliments about your appearance today? nope

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? no

Do you have any appointments coming up? just had one yesterday, the next one for that is August and got nothing scheduled otherwise until then yet

Have you ever been to a petting zoo? What animals did you pet? probably but too young to remember

What do you think about nose piercings? I like em as long as it’s subtle

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? yep skin tumors and jaw cysts

Do you wear a one-piece or a two-piece when you go swimming? two piece

Have you ever experienced déjà vu? several times and it’s scary

Do you have any scratches or bruises on your body right now? bruises yeah

What would be the first thing you’d do with a million dollars? pay off credit card debt Who was the last person you visited in the hospital and why were they there? it’s been me in and out of the ER for years now so...can’t remember when it was someone else

Have you ever cried in public? unfortunately

Are you one of those people who has more than one shower a day? no

Have you ever babysat children who weren’t related to you? no

Have you ever seen Wayne’s World? yeah

Have you ever taken photos in a photobooth? yep

If you have a dog, do you walk it regularly? don’t have one unfortunately

Would you prefer a big or a small wedding? small and private, fam and close friends

Do you smoke when you’re drinking alcohol? I smoke cigs all the time every day but yeah when I’m drinking I tend to chainsmoke more

How many people do you message on a regular basis? three, usually

[itsmearia]

Therapy is wild.

I've been going through two different major life events over the past year and have been really struggling with processing them and managing the stress they bring. I knew that both were going to be finished this week, so I decided to schedule a session for the first time today with that thinking it would just be a little advice on ways to reduce the stress or something. Instead I'm sitting here afterwards realizing that it's much more self-inflicted than I realized. I'll give a quick breakdown of how it went.

We started by asking what I was there for.

I've just been massively stressed out from two major life events and it's having a negative impact on my day to day life and I'm hoping to find ways to fix that now that they seem to be over.

Ok, that's doable. What's been stressing you out?

Well, a year ago my brother had a mental break down. Ran his car into a barricade in an attempt – not outright stated by him but assumed by my parents and I based on the preceding phone calls – to kill himself. My parents went and got him and brought him back to our town letting him stay with them for a bit. A bit turned into months which turned into a year. At some point in there we thought he was doing better and got himself a job, only for him to break down again and start back to square one. We've been doing everything we can to help him – therapy, new medication, support, not pressuring him to do anything and letting him just sort through things at his own pace – and the progress has been great. He seems to be doing well and got his dream job a month or two ago that he's been preparing for. There were a couple of concerns where he seemed to be starting to freak out, but he moved there this week and seems to be really happy, excited, and his old self again. It's great to see and I'm happy about it, it's just been a whole year of a constant stress worrying about him as well as the effect it had on my parents.

I'm glad to hear he's doing better. You mentioned a second event as well?

Last year my mom got diagnosed with cancer. It was caught early and one of the most common & treatable types, but it was still a terrifying thing to hear. She ended up having two surgeries to remove it, countless doctors appointments, and radiation. Which, you know, infinite stress as well as I worried about her and how my dad/brother were handling it. A couple weeks ago they told us the cancer is gone and shouldn't come back once she finishes the week of two a day radiation treatments that were scheduled for this week. So that was thrilling news, probably the happiest I've ever been. We finished those treatments and she has a follow up appointment soon to just make sure everythings good but the doctors are confident we're in the clear. So between the two of those things, they both got resolved this past week and appear to be behind me. Which leaves me sitting here for the first time in a year actually like, fully calm and relaxed. Not feeling like there's someone I have to take care of. Wondering what to do with myself. And hoping I can learn better ways to manage these things so in the future I don't feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown for months on end.

It was at this point I expected to hear about ways to blow off steam, meditation/breathing techniques, or something of that nature. Instead she hit me with a different question altogether.

How did your friends support you during this year?

Uh, I mean, I didn't really tell them about it. I told them I've got some family issues when it coincided with telling them I couldn't do something. That I was drained/not feeling it. That I need to cancel cause I'm in a bad headspace. I never really went into details though.

I see.

This began a conversation that resulted in the realization that my fear of abandonment – that if I make people uncomfortable, am a downer, or don't always bring positive vibes then they'll just not want to be around me anymore – has resulted in me trying to keep every interaction “light” and has prevented me from having healthy outlets for problems, stress, and advice. That by keeping things to myself in an effort to not stress or worry anyone else, I am not only amplifying the negative effects on myself but also stunting some friendships from reaching their potential because I'm not connecting on that deepest level that stressful situations bring about sometimes. That when you never talk to others about major things happening to you it's hard for them to talk to you about major events happening to them.

We talked for a bit more about that – how it might have come about and ways to decompress from stress now that it appears to be behind me - and then time ran out. I had anticipated just getting a couple quick pointers and moving on, but I think I'm going to go back again. I wish therapy were more normalized when I was younger; who knows how much help it would have been during my formative years. It's just kind of mind blowing to try it out expecting one quick little thing and getting something like that instead.

[gnj9ata]

Life check point - I can't seem to go to sleep so I decided to redownload Tumblr and do a life check point of my life up to this point for preservation sake I guess. I had a thought of doing that with little videos and posting them to my YouTube channel. It's funny because I read old Tumblr messages on here and try to figure out my state of mind at that time to no avail.

So what is going on in life...

After all of these years, I am doing bumpers for the MCA again or should I call it The Chat Attack now. It's not mines anymore. It stop being that 6 years ago. He did ask me to come back on the show. I declined. I know me and my head. I would just try to recreate something that isn't there anymore. Same reason I keep watching the old bumpers and shows. I tell myself it's for inspiration or getting new ideas for the new bumpers, but it's me reliving the "glory" days. When I had a group of people listening to me. When I had power or control over something bigger than myself. If I am being honest, it feels good knowing I was "Top dog" at one point in time. That I got my idol at one point Korey Coleman to say "Attack the chat" once on a video, even though if I had the opportunity to talk to him about that, he probably wouldn't remember. It was something out of my head...that became real. That's powerful to me and I really want to do it again.

Ms gay is gone. Died from stomach cancer. Her mom had to stay with us for 4 months while Ms Gaye's sister was buying a house. She just moved out a month ago. Interesting experience. It took for her to die for me to know her name was first name was Carol.

Miranda is still missing...I miss her a lot. I told trey. I would have married her. And that is still true I feel. When I get the resources, I am going to find you.

And dan

Dan is still missing....

Find meech as well.

Jett seems happy with Nick. I'm happy for them both. They both deserve that. Had rough lives. It's nice they can finally get something out of it. Not sure if I will ever get married or what not and do that whole children thing. Only time will tell I guess. I could be reading this ten years from now and have all of these things. We will see.

I am kind of just kinda "meh" on the whole thing at the moment. Dating isn't even my main focus.

I work for pottery barn at the moment. Retail support agent. I answer emails all day. Easy ass job. I legit could just sit there for hours and occasionally do work. Sometimes I read a book or just watch YouTube videos. I am know as the "hype man" in the teams room. If I am being honest, it gives me similar feels to what I had with the MCA. People actually look for me and wonder where I am at. It feels nice to feel wanted or when people like to just be in your presence. But is it real? Just like the love I had with the MCA? Does it have an expiration date?

Because I know I will be curious later...

The book is Sophia's World: A history on philosophy. Good stuff so far. Recommend by ruthless. Yeah....still talking to him. He doesn't respect me like he use too. Doing thumbnails for his YouTube or at least I think I am. I haven't gotten work to do on it in a few weeks. We will see if that last.

I do thumbnails for Josh's The Afternoon Tune. Still going strong. Gave me free range on the thumbnails. I'm proud of him. Although everytime I look at the YouTube page, I see MCA DNA. Still friends with the group....we legit been through think and thin together so I think at this point, our relationship as friends...hell as family at this point is soild. I really hope they all respect me, but aren't these the same thoughts I had last time? Before I burned everything to the ground so what do I know? We are all meeting up for the first time as a group in March. Meeting up in New York. I hope everything goes well.

Regardless I know for a fact I have Fernando and Soberna in my corner. I still talk to them. The only folks from staples at this point. Although the Halloween party, I did get to see Angela, josh and Jermaine. That was fucking cool. I am really happy for Jermaine and his husband. Had no idea the dude was gay, but happy for him regardless.

Devon is still Devon.... maybe worst...or maybe our relationship is just really bad. It's almost like resentment now. I don't even like talking to him now. It's like I have already mourned the lost of my brother and he is still here. I am not even sure how to approach this situation at all. Recently had a conversation with mom about how I am frustrated that he gets to give up, but I can't. Even if I had the opportunity to do so, my mind wouldn't let me. I know I would regret all that wasted time. I have stuff I want to do with my life. And I can't stop until those are accomplished. And even then....lol

Anything else?

I am very annoyed in myself that I have forgotten alot of stuff I use to know. After effects, driving, pass books or let's plays I have watched. What was the last let's play I watched?

Can't remember. (Could probably check the YouTube history if I cared enough)

Still working with my therapist on mindpath. Although I am thinking of just cutting it off. I think I May have reached the point of what she can help with. I think this is one of those roads I probably have to finish alone. I have changed my sessions from every two weeks to every three weeks.

I still care about what my mom, my friends, my coworkers.....other people think about me. I still care and haven't learned my lesson yet. What is it going to take for me to finally stop caring? What is it going to take? The improvement junkie stuff is starting to get annoying to. I can't even relax on my off day and using time to think about how to get better at after effects or improve my memory or get better at mental math. I am going through timeline order of the marvel movies at the moment which is alot more fun than I thought. Trying to get back into gaming more with my steam deck. I love that thing.

It's 6 am and I have yet to get any sleep. And I am suppose to be driving to see Fernando and Soberna today. I need sleep....

[sparkleblsm]

After the panic attack started in the car last night over the realization that apparently trying to use weed for medication is bad. Cuz you know Mom had esophageal cancer. And even though lung cancer isn't really a problem with my family since both my grandparents, both sets of grandparents smoked and even my dad up until 1990. No one ever got one cancer. That's supposed to be lung cancer. Thank you. Thanks to Mom's esophageal shit, I shouldn't be smoking. But I really don't want to play the game of funding which mental health medication works for me. I lived through Prozac era era, it was shit, it turned people into zombies. But now I don't have a choice.

So how the fun panic attack started in the car, came home sat in the driveway yelling at myself for a variety of reasons. Panic attack got worse, came in the house and showered. I was trying not to yell too much cuz I didn't want to scare everybody else in the house. But the punching the walls of the shower didn't work to keep the screaming quiet, because it ended up alerting the dogs. Spent a good long time in the shower My breathing racing my heart feeling like it was going to jump out of my fucking throat. That's supposed to be and crying. Thank you.

With my sharpened nails I ended up scratching it both my arms in the shower, trying to tear my skin off because of what a terrible person I am. Didn't mean to do any perma harm, cuz you know I don't need a rubber room vacation. Got up this morning I actually left two decent scratches on myself.

The night was okay I was able to ward stuff off, but if I thought about it at all it started coming back.

Slept okay, but woke up just before 7:00 to my brain screaming at me that I'm a terrible person because I got Brian hooked on weed, and how could you do this, you're killing him, you're trying to destroy his relationship with Meg, so that was a great start to the day. Nothing like feeling like an absolute shit person. I came downstairs to do the dishes, that way I could at least play music and shut my brain up. It hasn't shut up but the music distracts it enough. Now I just feel like a terrible person because my brain's rehashing the fact that I got Brian hooked on weed and that one of my ways to show love is buying people food and I invertently hurt Tim, that's supposed to be inadvertently, thank you.

Because every time he would try and work out, I'd end up buying him food he liked and saying life is short. So now I've hurt his health. I try to do nice things for people and I end up ruining their lives! Woo.

I'm going to go try and do a whole bunch of chores to keep my mind shut up, cuz right now I'm on the verge of crying constantly.

I don't want to die, I'm not going to analyze myself, but I can for sure tell you that if I had no familial ties, Grandma, and no relationship ties, Tim Meg Brian, and no pet ties. I would yeet myself off the nearest fucking cliff.

How can I hate myself this much and be such a fucking bubbly person? God the questions I have. Going to the therapist today, she's going to have a field day. Probably going to overwhelm her cuz I'm either all or nothing, but then I'll go see the actual duck next week and I'll just drug myself up on so many meds that maybe I'll just be a constantly happy person. I think it would be better to just be a drugged zombie at this point. Prozac nation here I come.

[ralexsol]

i either had the nicest hygienist at my dentist appointment today or she was transphobic and i seriously can’t figure it out. at first i thought she was just being super nice and curious but now that it’s stewed in my brain for like 5 hours, im leaning towards transphobic???

note that while she is talking to me, there is only a few times i can talk back to her because this is a dentist appointment and she got tools in my mouth a lot, although i did give some good explanations

so originally she was just asking me why i had decided to change my name to what it is now. she knew about my legal name not being the one i use because my mom had to tell the office beforehand about it. so i go on an explanation about how i picked it out. she asks me how i figure out i was non-binary, i explain that it was something id always felt but only really realized it like 3 or 4 years ago, and that it was just a feeling of being a person, and that it’s hard to explain.

throughout the appointment, she tells me im very pretty multiple times (and im smiling as much as i can through a dentist appointment because holy shit so many fucking compliments and i get to talk about gender!!), and that, man what she would give to look as pretty as me, and that i should be a model. like she does this 3 times or so. says im very photogenic. note that the first time she says this to me, she says, “i know you identify as non-binary and more masculine leaning, but i have to say, you are a very pretty girl.” i didn’t take offense to that at all originally because i was like in my head “yeah i get what she’s trying to say and she did put a disclaimer beforehand”, but like... i dont know...

at one point, she tells me to be wary of taking any hormones if im thinking about it because according to her, they give you a higher risk of cancer. i tell her that no, i havent been considering it because i dont feel the need. now, i did just try to look it up quickly and couldnt find anything at the surface level, i would appreciate if anyone could clarify that for me cause i would like to know about that if they really do

towards the end of the appointment, she says that she feels like im “one of those people that people tell to stand in front of a mirror naked and look at themselves until they love themselves as much as they deserve.” paraphrasing, dont remember the exact wording, but it was something similar to that. she told me that’s my homework for the day and reminds me that i am very pretty.

SO WAS SHE JUST NICE AND TELLING ME TO LOVE MYSELF MORE OR WAS SHE TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THAT I’M ONLY NON-BINARY BECAUSE SHE THINKS THAT I THINK I’M UGLY?????

note that this is the first time ive met this woman in my LIFE. i thought she was just being genuinely curious about the whole non-binary thing but it was like she just got so comfortable so fast?? am i just not used to some stranger reassuring me of my self-worth?

also both her and the doctor kept telling me that my teeth were absolutely gorgeous so at least im sure of one thing and that is i am good at keeping my teeth clean 👍 havent had single cavity in my adult teeth, and ive gone through the entire process of braces

(i will say that this wasn’t all we chatted about, she told me about her self-publishing daughter and stuff, she wasn’t like LASER-focused on my gender identity lol)

[moveslikejaggeria]

ive been meaning to post for a while, but time keeps alluding me. lots of things do these days

im not quite sure how prayer works, if im being honest. never have. to be fair, id have to say i really dont understand how religion works either. i used to pray as a child for snow days until my mother caught me and scolded me. i think she thought i was wasting his time. that he has better things to do than grant stupid insignificant wishes of a little girl

i wonder what my mother would think—what the church goers would think—if they knew how i used to pray for god to kill me; to take me in my sleep. how i was too much of a coward to do it myself. how i sobbed myself to sleep and begged.

i called my mother over a month ago to—as one does—complain about life. how i told her that life seemingly hadnt gotten better since 2019. how it had all been going downhill since then and when was it going to get good again. she told me that was how the world worked. that this is how life was. to which i said, “then i dont want to live.”

and she scoffed. she told me to stop being dramatic. i have no doubt that she remembers the night i screamed at her and my dad how much i wanted to die. or the night when i walked into the bathroom after taking half a bottle of benadryl and whispering to her how i had a secret but she couldn’t be mad. how she waited in the drs office next to me for hours while i was shaking and crying. she couldn’t forget it. she probably just wishes she could.

besides she has other stuff to deal with: shitty people from my hometown, her bosses, my father. i can’t tell if on the surface i blame my parents for everything while deep down i know they tried their best or vice versa. i dont know if i truly believe the latter is true or not.

i believe i wrote a bit ago about how my mother had mentioned so nonchalantly that my grandpa has prostate cancer. i had been on the phone with her again the other day when she was about to hang up and said, “oh by the way your grandma has breast cancer”

“oh by the way your aunt and uncle might get divorced”

“oh by the way i caught your father (finally) smoking weed”

“oh by the way your father is going back to inpatient”

“oh by the way our daughter fucking died.”

see mother. i know what dramatic is; i can do dramatic.

the moral of the story is not that im going to do something stupid tonight. or in the near future most likely, so don’t you worry yourselves silly, pornbots. its that here i am again, almost two months later, and i can fucking hear it. its so clear. the sobs. and the screaming. the water, oh god.

i drove myself home today and i probably shouldnt have because i couldnt see and i couldnt really think. and a good majority of the ride home all i could think about is how it would feel to have my head bashed in. what it would look like. i thought about tetris for a bit, but i dont like the game at all.

i have a fever and i cannot blame my body. i, too, am working overtime just desperately trying to make ends meet, in more way than one. i wish my Mom was here. not gretchen, but Mom. someone to wrap me in a blanket and hold me and stroke my hair and put on a stupid cold war documentary and buy me pasta and shush me until i stop crying and reassure me every once in a while that she loves me so much. she wouldnt leave me the night after i tried to kill myself, wouldnt ask me to pull it together with red bloody arms.

im so tired playing both roles.