#and cancer runs in the family so my brain keeps jumping to worst case scenario

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[jeraldmathieus-blog]

Jerald Mathieus’ Survival Guide To: Making Friends!

Dear reader, far be it for me to indulge in the dramatic, but...the world is a dangerous place! Yes, everything is frightening! Everything! The media is right! Fear is everywhere! Everywhere! And people. Are. Watching! 

With each passing day a new horror comes along and makes it all the more challenging to open our front doors (take it from me, as one who NEVER opens his). What are we to do? Run? Cower? Build a bunker to hide our family in for a multitude of generations until they develop mole-like qualities and a thirst for human blood? Fans, friends, and familiars; I would not blame you for doing any of the listed above, for life is terrifying. It seems, more often than not, that the only option left is to SCREAM!

SCREAM!

SCREAM!!!

Or...

Take some time to sit and read our new all-purpose survival guide! A series I’m hoping to start here on this blog in order to help others dip, duck, and dodge around life's many hurdles and dangers. For who else would read my brilliance if you all died in some freak accident?

So, lock your doors, close your windows, wrap yourself in saran wrap, and take a peep into the first installment of...

Jerald Mathieus' Survival Guide To: Making Friends!

I feel we all know it by now; making friends is dangerous business. In a vast world of varying personality types, diverging personals interests, and brain eating Social Networking sites (not pictured: the tendrils of Friendster slipping out from behind your glowing computer screen and reaching with want and intense desire for a nice tender brain to munch), it can be a bit overwhelming trying to discern whether someone is worth your time or secretly your rival in a less-than-convincing friend-costume trying to lower your defenses to obtain your deepest and darkest secrets. A mistake made too often readers.

Fret not, we have you covered. In this article, we're going to give you a point-by-point break down on the tricks, tips, and tells to find out whether or not the person sitting across the table can be considered a 'friend'.

1. NO ONE IS YOUR FRIEND! EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET YOU!

Sometimes life is all about mindset! ‘Mind-over-matter’ as some say. Ergo, it only stands to reason that an important part of making friends is attitude! Positive outlook lands the job, determined demeanor overcomes barriers, and perseverance defeats fear. So, when attempting to make friends, the best attitude to have is; PLEASE! HELP! THEY ARE OUT TO GET ME! I CAN'T TRUST ANYONE! GET AWAY FROM ME!

No one likes making a friend only to find a ‘fake’ instead. A story as old as time; one minute you’re sharing a delightful brunch, the next you wake up in a bathtub full of ice with one less kidney, fuming mad that, yet again, you’re the one with egg on your face (not pictured: burning hot yoke seeping into your sockets). The best way to avoid such a fate? Trust no one! Before they can fool you, call them out on it, and that way none of those scalawags can get away with pulling the wool over your eyes.

"Oh, I like your shirt." He says, nodding in your general direction.

"OH, DO YOU, JOHN!? IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME! I'M ONTO YOU! YOU CAN'T FOOL ME!" You reply.

With this attitude, you can weed out all potential foes and enemies with swiftness and efficiency. Worst case scenario is you alienate possible future friends as you become lost in a paranoid laced odyssey through your growing disconnection with the general population, but worry not, for it is a big ocean and there are plenty more fish to see!

2. Common Musical Interests!

Any cornerstone of a good friendship is shared likes, and no medium is known for bringing people together better than the art of music. The immense power of melody can never be overstated, as a common interest in a band or album has often joined two wandering souls in their journey to find like-minded individuals swimming around in the endless plain that is life. Here is a list of things to keep an eye out for when perusing their music selection.

If, while scrolling through their playlists, you find no copies of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen; RUN! Run as fast and as far as you can. They are most likely an android sent to kill you! They will show no mercy and no fear. Running is your only hope.

Finding early Bowie albums suggests a docile demeanor. Be sure to approach this person with a handful of oats slowly and then scratch him behind the ear assuring him "That's it, everything's fine, no one is gonna hurt you".

If he has Wu-Tang's Enter the 36th Chamber, congratulations, you've just gained ten years of good luck and a free cruise to Hawaii.

Jazz is forbidden.

3. Jokes & Humor!

Many friends have been won over with a nice hearty laugh. Being able to share a joke not only signifies a similar sense of humor, but share experiences which you and your new friend can revel in. Not quite the 'Stand-up comic'? Don't worry, we have some sure-fire knees slappers to help you out.

"Knock knock!"/"Who's there?"/"Don't you remember me?!"/"Oh, please stop crying...oh jeez...um..."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"Why?"/"I DON'T KNOW!"/"Why are you crying?...What?...Seriously?"

"What did the doctor say to his patient?"/"What?"/"Its cancer! Oh god, not again!"/"Dude, why are you crying all the time?!"

You give out a loud high-pitched screech before bending forward and muttering inane gibberish to yourself for several minutes. If he laughs, he is in on the joke. If he returns the screech, he has accepted your challenge for battle.

4. DANCE!

DANCE! YES! DANCE MY PRETTIES! THROW YOUR CARES INTO THE WIND AND GIVE YOURSELF TO THE PHYSICAL EXPRESSION OF DANCE! MOVE YOUR ARMS AND LEGS AND GIVE INTO TEMPTATION! LET GO AND JOIN THE WORLD OF THE INDULGENT! WE ARE THE DANCERS, THE DREAMERS, THE LOVERS, AND THE WANDERERS! SHOW THE WORLD YOUR HEART BY PLAYING IT UPON YOUR SLEEVES! HEAR MUSIC WHERE THERE IS NONE! MOVE EVEN WHEN NO ONE ELSE IS! JUMP AND FLAIL AND LAUGH AND DIE ALL AT THE SAME TIME! WE ARE THE LORDS OF OUR BODIES AND WE WILL MOVE HOW WE SEE FIT! DANCE! DANCE! DAAAAAAAANCE!

We hope our various tricks, tips, and hints help you in your ongoing search for companions in this horrid desolate landscape of hate and destruction where nothing remains the same and the only sure thing is truly how unsure we are of anything. Have fun, dear readers, and remember...something...I don't recall what...um...

-Jerald Mathieus