#I knew better than to ask for clarification because of scorn

[stardustedknuckles]

Me: Maybe I’m not actually autistic and I’m making it up.

Also me, around 25: WAIT when people say someone’s eyes narrow they actually mean the skin AROUND their eyes holy shit -

[buckysbabygorl]

Names

Summary: Y/N’s always the butt of Loki’s teasing and they can’t stand it, until the hidden meanings behind it are revealed

Word Count: 2k

Pairing: Loki x GenderNeutral!Reader

Warnings: swearing

Cowritten by @babybluereads

When the Asgardians had arrived on earth, the tiny town of St. Abb’s had accepted them with open arms. The community immediately took to caring for the newcomers and providing them with whatever they needed. Y/N, being the assertive and bright person they were, immediately caught the eye of the fighting trio that had defended Asgard in its last moments.

Y/N was quick to help where they could; taking on leadership roles and directing the townspeople on what actions to take next for the Asgardian folk to fit in. They provided shelter, food, clothing, whatever was necessary.

Valkyrie and Y/N developed a fast friendship; she liked Y/N’s confidence and strength, and they managed their people side by side. Thor adored most, if not all migardians and their customs, and Y/N was no exception. Y/N made him laugh, provided him with comfort and advice, and he contributed to the town in any way he could when he visited.

And then there was Loki. Oh, Loki, Loki, Loki.

Y/N had very little patience when it came to him; as a matter of fact, Y/N had none.

Loki was, politely, a grade A pain in the ass.

He was one to disappear for hours or days at a time; returning with no explanation as to why. He forced trickery on the township; amusing the children and the occasional townsfolk, but not Y/N. He was rowdy at the local bar; he was constantly seen partying, making this once quiet town louder than ever.

People adored him in town. Y/N however did not; they wanted structure, organization. He was chaos walking.

Worst of all; he felt the need to be glued to Y/N’s side constantly. He loved to tease them, get a rise from them first thing in the morning, he stopped them from doing their work, and it always left them fighting.

What really bothered Y/N is when he’d insult them in another language; which he did often. Something he’d huff under his breath, and when Y/N demanded clarification he’d simply laugh and walk off. Which seemed to be the only time he ever left them alone.

It was infuriating. Which is what Y/N was complaining about to Valkyrie right at this moment.

“I don’t understand why he can’t just piss off; everyone in town loves him, why can’t he go bother them?”

Valkyrie smiled, “Perhaps that’s why he does it; he knows you hate him. It’s likely the most entertaining thing for him.”

Y/N huffed as they lifted another crate, stacking them against the wall. “Well that’s just sadistic,” they said, “You’d think he’d get his rocks off on something else.”

Valkyrie laughed, but not for the reason Y/N thought.

“I’m not sure why my rocks are of your concern, but please leave sadism out of it.” 

Y/N’s teeth clenched at the voice, and tried to ignore it.

Loki smiled, “No greeting? I don’t even get a “good morning your highness”?”

“No, you don’t.” Y/N lifted another crate, which was swiftly pulled out of their hands by Loki. Y/N sighed, reaching for another one.

“I don’t need your help, I can carry it myself.” Y/N stated.

Loki chuckled as he stacked the crate in its place, before plucking the other from Y/N’s hands as well.

“It’s my pleasure, I’m certain I can do a better job anyways.”

Valkyrie shook her head, staying silent as the conversation transpired. She knew better than to jump in: one, because Y/N could handle themselves; two, because the last time Valkyrie stepped in, knives were involved and nearly banned in the town square because of it. Out of respect for peace and civility in New Asgard, Valkyrie ceased her fighting. For now.

As composed of a person Y/N was, they were one to get easily flustered. Yes, their emotions were in check, but something about Loki’s teasing was especially provoking. 

“I doubt it,” Y/N said, “Besides, how can you do a better job when you’re hardly ever here.”

“There are other ways to say you miss me, Y/N,” Loki said, “And I’m always here. You’re the one that wishes I wasn’t.”

“That’s not true, I just wish when you were here, you were less annoying.”

“I think that’s asking too much of him,” Valkyrie said, examining the lures of their fishing stock, “It’s ingrained in him.”

“Oh Valkyrie, I didn’t realize you were here.” He teased, momentarily turning his attention away from Y/N.

The warrior rolled her eyes, taking a nearby piece of broken crate and chucking it at his head.

He deflected it but turned to retaliate, before Y/N stopped him. 

“Hey, settle down. We have a lot of work to do, and I need you two to focus.” Y/N reprimanded.

Y/N didn’t realize it, but they had their hand placed on his chest. Loki smirked at the contact, before Y/N swiftly pulled their hand away.

“Now,” Y/N said, “Are you going to actually be helpful? Or are you planning on wasting my time.”

Loki hummed before looking back to the open boathouse entrance that he had come from, “No, I don’t plan on staying long. I was only stopping by to see my melilla.”

Y/N scowled with a groan. “If you’re going to insult me, you could at least do it in a language I understand!”

But their complaint fell on deaf ears as he laughed, exiting just as quickly as he’d come.

Now it was Valkyrie’s turn to laugh, their minor conflicts always being of great entertainment. But she knew Y/N would complain about it for the rest of the afternoon; their work was already tainted by the presence of Loki.

~

Thor was happy to be back, he could only spend so much time with the Guardians before needing some space. He admired the team, but the arrogance of that Starlord fellow was sometimes too much to bear. Not that Thor made it any easier; he was quite the confident man himself. They’d butted heads far too often, and now he was in need of a much deserved break. 

He strode into town cheerily; greeting the townsfolk with an overjoyed disposition. Though happy he was to see the midgardians; he was looking for one in particular. He finally spotted Y/N in the small farmers market just off the docks. In fact, he heard Y/N before he saw them, as once again Y/N was fighting with his notorious brother.

“You can’t turn apples into snakes when children are around, someone could get hurt and we don’t have a town doctor until next month!” Y/N scolded.

“Oh amata, I love how easily the simplest of things can make you forget yourself.” He said.

With a slight snarl on their face, Y/N groaned. “Stop calling me that!”

Loki simply laughed in their face, enraging Y/N further. Before they went to scream at him again, Thor decided to intervene.

“My Y/N! You seem awfully invigorated this morning,” He commented.

At the voice of their friend, Y/N turned and their mood was immediately brightened. “Thor! I had no idea you were coming.”

Loki looked at his brother with quiet contempt, “Of course you weren’t notified, my brother is known for making an entrance. 

He turned back to Y/N, “Why don’t you ever address me with such kindness, carissima.” He said, dejectedly.

Y/N raised a finger to Loki’s face, once again going to scold him, before being interrupted by amused laughter from Thor.

“Well it’s nice to see that you’ve at least shifted to addressing one another with pleasantries.” Thor said.

Immediately Loki’s face filled with dread. Y/N looked at them both, surprised.

“You call that pleasantries?” Y/N asked, “He’s been insulting me in a dead language since we met.”

They spat the words in Loki’s face, but it was not met with his usual humourous demeanor.

Thor scoffed with delight, “I hardly think dearest is an insult, Y/N.”

Y/N was taken aback. No, that’s not what he’d been calling them, had he?

The expression on Loki’s face displayed nothing but truth at the fellow God’s statement, “Thor, please--” Loki said through gritted teeth.

Thor only smirked, intending to continue the teasing. “What else has he called you, Y/N? I speak fluent latin myself.”

Still shocked by the revelation, but not diffused in their anger, Y/N thought back to what he had called them before dearest.

“Well--he, he also called me amata.” Y/N said.

Laughing once again, Thor turned to his brother, “Oh, did he?” Thor asked.

Flustered, Loki tried to direct attention elsewhere, “Aren’t you supposed to be looking for Valkyrie? Or someone else to pester?” He asked.

Thor only smiled, “No I’m quite enjoying myself here, brother.”

“And as for the name amata,” Thor explained, “It means beloved. I think you’ve mistaken my brother’s flirtations for aggravations, Y/N.”

The three stood, not saying anything more as the passerby’s at the market weaved around them. Y/N snuck a glance at Loki, who was now desperately avoiding eye contact. Could it be that all this time, he was secretly calling Y/N terms of endearment?

He made no objections; only furthering the obvious truth that he had been.

Y/N didn’t know what to think, or what to say.

“Well,” Thor started, “I believe my work here is done. I shall leave you to each other.”

He looked up into the marketplace, “Joseph, so good to see you my friend!”

He parted, calling for the man at the nearby mead cart, while the other two still stood, not saying a word.

Loki quietly scorned his brother; of course he had to expose him. Now Y/N was aware of his secret fondness towards them, someone who already hated him more than he’d like.

“Melilla.” Y/N said.

Loki looked at Y/N, surprised by the word. “Pardon?” He asked.

Y/N hummed, “It’s another name, that you-um.. That you call me.”

“Oh,” Loki nodded, understanding what Y/N meant. 

“Well,” he started, hesitant, “It means… little honey.”

“And why do you call me that,” Y/N asked, “Because I’m sweet?”

“No,” Loki defended, “You aren’t sweet. You’re the opposite. Um--bitter, and-and full of disdain--”

He was stopped by the laughter that escaped Y/N, but as he looked at them, he realized he was not the subject of their laughter but that Y/N was laughing with him. Though Loki would never admit it aloud, he found that much more pleasurable than any of the emotions he’d evoked from their banter. 

“You aren’t… upset with me?” He asked earnestly.

Y/N looked to the ground, shifting in their stance with hands placed behind their back.

“Not entirely,” Y/N admitted, “I mean… it would’ve been nice to know you weren’t calling me an asshole this whole time.”

Loki chuckled bashfully, “Well, for that, I suppose I can apologize.” 

An awkward silence came between them; not knowing what to say. It was surprising, to say the least, the new perspective that had been given to their situation. Loki’s need to be in Y/N’s presence, the constant chatting that what was thought to be filled with insults were now revealed to have been filled with kindness, and arguably, affection. Even on Y/N’s end; the frustrations of his disappearances and the concern for safety during his reckless shenanigans, were those too filled with care?

Loki cleared his throat to break the quiet. “So,” he started, “do you have much to tend to this afternoon?”

Y/N rolled their eyes at the obvious attempt to change the conversation, “Well if you’re going to continue being an idiot, then yes.”

“And.. if I cease, the idiocy?” He asked.

Y/N smiled, “Well, it wouldn’t necessarily be the worst thing, if you helped me with some... stuff down at the docks.”

He chuckled, amused. “You’re actually asking me to accompany you, for once?”

“Yes, I guess I am.” Y/N said. He went to speak before they stopped him, “But on one condition.”

“Oh?” He asked, “and what’s that?”

“That,” Y/N said, “If you’re going to compliment me, at least do it in a language I understand.”

He smiled, “Anything for you, dearest.”

~

First Loki fic ✅

Inspiration also goes to @damntonystarkandhissmile for the gender neutral ask 💕 I hope you like Loki babe 🤪

Permanent Tag List: @babyblue-07 @fandomsfallnomore @elliee1497@lonewolf471 @babybluereads @marianas-studyblr @godspeedlover@sexwithhiddlesbatch @annestine​ @shower-me-with-roses​

@yougottalovefandoms​

[stubbornness-and-spite]

Remind Me Why I Fell In Love With Happy Endings

It’s Because They Have Happy People

~

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Summary: It hurt. A lot. They felt drained dry and defeated, but there hadn’t been any villain or monster to fight. They were supposed to be a team. They could fight monsters, not deal with this. Emotional vulnerability sucked.

Takes place directly after Learning New Things About Ourselves

Pairing(s): platonic LAMP, romantic if you want to read it that way but I wrote it platonic

Characters: Logan, Patton, Virgil, Roman, Thomas is mentioned

Genre: hurt/comfort, angst with a hopeful/happy ending, angst and fluff

Warnings: cursing

Word count: 2420

Notes: kind of an AU? Just timeline-wise. I’m playing fast and loose with the timeline, which is only going to be important and/or relevant if I actually finish the follow-up fic I have planned for this. Since in this story/universe, the sides are real and Sanders Sides videos are not really scripted, there’s much less time between videos(because editing, writing, and directing are figuratively thrown out the window).

“Well, that went well,” Virgil snarked as they sank back down into the common area.

“Our goal was accomplished,” Logan said sharply, avoiding eye contact. “Thomas is feeling better about his chosen lifestyle.”

“His lifestyle you hate, you mean?” Roman grumbled. “Just looking for some extra clarification. Wouldn’t want anyone to be confused.”

“Now, kiddos,” Patton chided, his smile not reaching his eyes. “I think we all came out of that one a little bruised.”

“Metaphorically,” Virgil cut in before Logan could protest. “Emotionally bruised.” Logan nodded with a pinched effort at a smile.

“Is everyone doing okay?” Patton asked softly.

Logan scoffed. “Of course, Patton. No new information was relayed to me and therefore my emotional state, which is negligible, was not significantly impacted.”

“Logan…” Roman grimaced. “I really am sorry. I didn’t mean it. I should have said something more when we were up there, but I-”

“You were more concerned for Thomas’s mental state and more concerned by his opinion than you were for or by either of mine,” Logan cut him off. “Perfectly understandable.”

Roman shook his head. “I should have been concerned for both of you. I shouldn’t have put you in a position where hearing an apology from me for something I specifically said to hurt you was a great kindness. I called you a lot more than ‘stupid’ that I should have apologized for.” He lifted his chin and stood even taller. “And I am now,” he declared. “Logan, I am truly and honestly sorry for the hurtful things I said to you and about you and I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me for speaking to you in such a way and treating you as if you were worth less than you are.”

Logan sighed, some of the tension falling from his face. “Thank you, Roman. I forgive you.” Roman smiled weakly and Logan nodded in return. “Also, to be clear,” he said, adjusting his glasses and smirking. “I’m not remotely offended that you called me a bitch.”

“Roman!” Patton cried, affronted. “When was this?”

Roman blushed. “I got carried away.”

Logan huffed, his smirk softening into a smile. “I like to see you so passionate. I like to inspire it, even if it comes in the form of calling me Sanders Claus on Bitchmas and suggesting we build a snowbitch and kiss under the bitchletoe.”

“Roman!”

“Patton,” Logan said, turning to him. “I was much more insulted by being called stupid. Both of which Roman has apologized for. There is no need to berate him further. I believe I have done enough of that for quite a while.”

“But Logan!”

“Hey, Pop-star,” Virgil chimed in, drawing the focus onto him. He shrunk back slightly but kept talking. “If L says he isn’t upset, then getting upset on his behalf is only making everyone feel bad. It’s okay to let it go sometimes.”

Patton sighed. “I guess you’re right, kidd-- Virgil. Sorry.”

Virgil flinched a second after Patton did, at the sound of his name. “Pat, I-” he sighed. “Nevermind.”

Logan reached over, but stopped, his arm hovering near Virgil’s shoulder. “May I touch you?” At Virgil’s nod, he slid his arm across Virgil’s back and squeezed his shoulder. “Have we not made clear that being open with each other is the only way that things can be solved?”

“Guys, I was a real jerk today and I’m sorry,” Virgil said in a quick breath. He tilted his head to rest on Logan. “Logan, I shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that everything was your fault. I shouldn’t have blamed you for something that we all knew we were all contributing to.” He looked at Roman. “I shouldn’t have blamed you either. I know how hard you work. I know how much it kills you when we criticize what you do and I know we have to sometimes because that’s our job, but we’ve been taking it too far lately. I’ve been taking it too far lately and especially today.” Virgil looked over at Patton who had tears in his eyes and quickly looked away. He stared at Logan’s shoes for a moment before forcing himself to look back at Patton. “Patton, I love you,” Patton whined as his damp eyes filled a little more. “I love that you call me kiddo. I wouldn’t give you dad-themed nicknames if I didn’t. I like being a dynamic duo with you. I feel like you get me sometimes in a way that someone whose function isn’t emotion isn’t able to.” Logan stiffened, but didn’t move his arm. Virgil kept talking. “What makes me uncomfortable isn’t all that. I like being your ‘dark strange son’.” A small grin crept onto his face and he rolled his eyes fondly. Virgil paused, catching himself and hesitated before taking a breath and blurting out, “I don’t like being called an angel. I don’t like you telling Thomas that I don’t mean the things I say just because they’re negative or because I disagreed with you. It makes me feel like you don’t think I can do my job. It makes me feel like you think I’m less capable than you are.” Virgil winced and looked tentatively at Patton, already waiting for scorn.

“Oh, Virg-- kiddo,” Patton sighed. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like that.”

Virgil shrugged, his expression relaxing as he leaned into Logan and pretended he’d never had any doubts. “I know. That’s why I said something. If I thought you were doing it to upset me, I wouldn’t have asked you to stop. I know you didn’t mean anything by it, which is why I felt safe telling you that it upset me.”

“Can I hug you too, kiddo?” Patton asked, fidgeting with his hoodie sleeves.

Logan spoke up before Virgil could respond. “Oh, Virgil and I are not hugging. I am merely ensuring that he feels safe enough to express the feelings that we have previously established are important to share.”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “By hugging me. Face it, L, we’re basically cuddling.” Virgil smirked as Logan blushed, but was pleased that Logan’s arm around his shoulders didn’t move at all. “Come hug us, Patt-- Dad. Come hug us, Dad.”

Patton barrelled into them, tackling them into the couch, his arms outstretched to wrap around them. Virgil laughed as he went down, pulling himself into Logan’s side as he curled up on the couch. Logan readjusted until he was seated normally on the couch with one arm draped over Virgil, who had pulled his knees up and was leaning onto him. Patton picked himself up and sat on the other side of Virgil, placing his arm next to Logan’s and gently grabbing Logan’s shoulder. Logan looked over to see Patton smiling at him as he squeezed his shoulder. Logan let out a breath and dropped his head to rest on Patton’s hand.

“Well, this is just absolutely adorable,” Roman stood awkwardly above them, looking down with a bright smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “But I should be going.”

“Come cuddle with us, Princey,” Virgil muttered. “You deserve cuddles, especially after today.”

Roman’s face lightened a bit as he breathed out a soft laugh. “You look very comfortable. I’ll just be off.”

Patton looked up at Roman. “I have another arm, kiddo. There’s a spot right here if you want it.”

Roman took in a sharp breath and let it out shakily, looking at Patton as if he’d just told Roman that he was going to get everything he’d ever wanted right then and there, a mix of disbelief and desperate longing on his face. “Thanks, padre, but I’m good,” he finally managed, a blank smile slapped back on his face.

“Roman, why do you feel the need to lie to us when we are openly offering you affection?” Logan asked, not bothering to look at Roman.

Roman scowled, but quickly regained control of his face and smiled again. “Because I don’t need it. I’m doing just fine. This last video just illustrated to me how much work I have unfinished and I need to stop letting my ego get in the way of productivity.”

“You’re lying,” Virgil mumbled, not looking at Roman. “You sound like Logan when you lie and not in a good way.”

“Do you just know all of our tells?” Roman snapped. “Are you studying us, Virgil? Does it make you feel special to have us all figured out, Emo Nightmare?”

“Now, Roman, kiddo…”

“That’s enough, Roman.”

Ignoring Patton and Logan’s jump to his defense, Virgil started to hum a tune that was still fresh in all of their minds. “Sometimes the problems at play are not all plain to see, so we lash out at our loved ones, disregarding our bond sanctity,” he sang awkwardly.

Roman sighed and flopped down on the couch. “Don’t quote me to me, Panic! at the Everywhere.”

Virgil snorted. “You’re pretty quotable, Princey.”

Roman laughed. “Whatever you say, Hot Topic.”

“You reused that one on purpose,” Virgil taunted. “You think I’m hot.”

Roman huffed a laugh and snuggled into Patton’s side. Patton hummed softly in delight and pulled Roman closer. “I already told you you’re adorable, do you really need me to admit you’re hot too?”

“Children,” Logan groaned.

“Aww, Logan!” Patton chirped. “Have you finally admitted that we are the fathers to two wonderful sons?”

Logan frowned. “No. I was telling Virgil and Roman that they were arguing like children.” Virgil and Roman laughed and squirmed closer into their hugs. Quietly, into Virgil’s hair, almost so soft that no one heard him, Logan mumbled, “And I thought I was one of your kiddos too.” But they did hear him and Patton squealed. Roman and Virgil flinched at the sudden noise and Patton stopped with a sharp intake of breath. He looked back and forth between the two of them, both of whom had relaxed once they realized it was Patton that was squealing, and squealed again, much softer.

“Of course you’re one of my kiddos, Logan!” Patton cried, reaching over to try and hug Logan too. Virgil grunted softly as he was crushed between them. Logan reached over with his free hand and placed it over Patton’s on his shoulder and Patton stilled, settling back between Roman and Virgil. “Of course you’re one of my kiddos,” he repeated softer. “You’re all my kiddos. I love you all so much.”

“Love you too, Pat,” Virgil mumbled.

“The feeling is mutual, Patton.”

“I love you as well, padre.”

“Love all of you!” Patton cried, getting a little weepy. “Now say you love each other!”

Logan blinked. “Was that not abundantly clear? I thought it was rather obvious that I care for you all. I concluded Patton was the only one to require regular reminding. Was my reasoning not sound?” Logan’s panic increased as he went on, his breathing quickening and his volume rising. Virgil tensed under Logan and Patton’s arms. Roman went very still.

“I didn’t want to put you out, L,” Virgil admitted. “I don’t want you to say it just because you think I need to hear it. I’m fine, really.”

Roman nodded. “I feel the same. It is a wholly unnecessary venture. I am not so shallow as to need constant praise and validation.” He turned to Patton. “No offense, Patton.”

Patton smiled. “None taken, kiddo! Remember what Thomas said? ‘Honestly, it didn’t hurt me. It’s clear you’re the one that’s hurting.’ Didn’t you listen to what we said?”

Roman scoffed. “It’s all well and good to say things for a camera. I’m quite familiar with the process myself. I was flattered, of course, that you came up with so much so quickly.”

“Aww, kiddo, we meant it!”

Virgil suddenly sat up ram-rod straight and whipped around to face Roman. “I shouldn’t have said almost,” he blurted out. Everyone turned to look at him, but he barrelled on. “I thought you knew what parts were serious, but Roman, we love you.” he paused and shook his head. “I love you. Nothing you could do would make me or any of us stop.” He scowled. “Dammit, even Deceit and Remus love you and they’re bastards who can stuff it. You’re awesome, Roman. In every case, we’d embrace you. Nothing is ever going to make us stop loving you, let alone hate you, okay?”

“Yeah, Virgil,” Roman choked out, trying valiantly to keep from crying at Virgil’s speech. “I know.”

Virgil went red, suddenly realizing how much he’d said. He settled back down between Patton and Logan. “Yeah, well, good. Don’t be stupid and think we don’t love you again, Princey.”

“I love you all too,” Roman mumbled with his face buried in Patton’s cardigan.

“I love you both as well,” Logan murmured. “I shall endeavor to remind you all more often. I have often spoken against the logic of assuming other’s thoughts and jumping to conclusions. It would be hypocritical of me to continue to do so after it has been brought to my attention that, in this case, actions do not figuratively speak louder than words.”

Virgil snorted. “Love you too, Logan. Now shut up and let me sleep. I’m exhausted and emotionally drained.”

Logan nodded, leaning onto Virgil and resting his head atop his curled up body. Patton lifted his arm to let Logan relax and lay down half on top of Virgil who had tilted to lean on Patton. He set his hand down on Logan’s head, gently running his fingers through the other side’s hair. Roman leaned all the way over, resting his head in Patton’s lap. Virgil and Patton shared a small smile as they both moved a hand to play with Roman’s hair. Roman let out a pleased hum and the quiet attention, leaning into both of their touches. Patton took a final look at his friends, his charges, his family, all curled up and leaning on him, letting him love and support them the way he tried so hard to do, and let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. He leaned his head back and felt a pillow materialize behind him. He glanced down to see Roman’s smile grow slightly. Patton lifted his hand up to his mouth and pressed a soft kiss onto his fingers before pressing it onto Roman’s head. He leaned back on the pillow and closed his eyes, the comforting weight of the other three on him quickly lulling him to sleep.

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 2 Recap: The Three Ds

Is it just me or does it always seems like The Bachelorette gets a shitty draw of contestants? Each year there are at most 3 guys I would take home to meet my parents, maybe one worth actually marrying, and the rest are all that terrible guy you see on TV and hope you never meet in real life. They only care about themselves and what makes them look good or what will get them the most screen time. This season, with its new colors and Blachelorette, is no different. At most we’ve added an extra amount of swagger, but with that swagger comes an added level of douchebaggery that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. 

D is for Doggo

This episode highlighted 3 of the worst people we’ve met since Chad, and one precious angel who is too pure to be around any of this mess. That’s right, I’m talking about Copper. That precious baby with the broken toe who stole Bachelor Nation’s heart. Not only did he get his own limo entrance, but he also went on the first and best 1-on-1 date of the season, accompanying Rachel and Peter to a DOG PARTY. I can’t say I paid much attention to Rachel and Peter, as I was focused solely on Copper and all the ways I could pet him and be his best friend.

The only thing I took away from the 1-on-1 date was that Peter and Rachel bonded over the gap in their teeth, and that Rachel doesn’t seem to mind that Peter is dead in the eyes. Something’s off about him, but it looks like he’ll stick around for awhile so I’ll come back to him when the meat isn’t as fresh.

D is for Douchebags

The first group date of the season is very on-brand for the Bachelorette: a low key picnic with ... an obstacle course and celebrity sighting. The picnic is set up in what I assume to be a vacant lot three spaces down from the Bachelor mansion, where everyone takes turns grilling and playing touch football. Right off the bat it’s hard not to focus on the douche of the century, Whaboom. Everything he does is for attention. He pushes other guys around so he can be the “first” to say hi to Rachel, he obnoxiously dances around the football, shouts constantly, and even picks Rachel up at one point and spins her around like a Disney Princess. It’s not hard to see that Lucas is, in the words of Blake: garbage. The other guys question his personality traits and whether he’s here for the right reasons simply because he is TERRIBLE.  He’s not even trying to fight with anyone, he’s just being himself, which is absolute garbage. Fun fact: My friend was in the same frat as Whaboom at Berkley and said that he is, hands down, the absolute worst person he has ever met in his life—next to his twin brother.  That’s right, there are two of these assholes. 

He also told me that Lucas was constantly trying to be the center of attention and was always making loud obnoxious jokes or trying to steal the stage but NO ONE thought he was funny. Some quick sleuthing on the interwebs brought me to his IMDB page, which honestly says it all. I mean, a 2012 Spanish dating show? God what a fucking loser. But his “rival” Blake is no better, and we need to unpack both of these shitty bags of garbage to really get down to their trash core. In a voice-over, Blake mentions that he knows Whaboom and is the only person that can “ruin this” for him. Well first of all, Whaboom doesn’t need anyone’s help ruining anything. Second, Blake knows the true garbage nature of Whaboom because they were both on a trashy reality TV dating show hosted by Carmen Electra. Yep, that’s right. Garbage, meet Garbage. Oh, you already met on the Ex-Isle? Perfect. Let’s skip the pleasantries, and the entire obstacle course while we’re at it. That way we can also skip over Blake whining the entire time that Lucas is cheating and not following directions, and Lucas winning then attempting to get Ashton Kutcher to yell “whaboom.” To literally everyone’s relief, Ashton politely passes on the offer, as he should have with My Boss’s Daughter / Just Married / Killers / basically all movies he’s ever done.

No really, name a good Ashton Kutcher movie. You can’t, because there are none. Anyway, since Whaboom won the competition he got the first 1-on-1 time with Rachel. Blake takes this opportunity to let everyone know that, to the extent they hadn’t figured it out yet, Whaboom is a douchebag. Blake, it is the first fucking week. Chill the fuck out man. When Lucas gets back to the perfectly stirred pot, he’s confronted with the question of our generation: how do you identify yourself? The correct answer, of course, was garbage, but we would have also accepted trash. Speaking of trash, Blake continues his crusade against Whaboom by informing Rachel that, to the extent she is both blind and deaf, Lucas is just a clown here for TV exposure. Like any guy NOT trying to get TV exposure, Blake then goes and tells Lucas that he just spent his time with Rachel letting her know that Whaboom is wearing makeup and is here for the wrong reasons. 

At this point it’s pretty clear that Blake is also here for the wrong reasons and obsessed with Lucas, who may or may not be totally wasted. It’s hard to tell, because he’s just that terrible. In the end, Whaboom walks away the winner of this confrontation after he tells Blake he’s going to do “him” and that Blake is “dismissed.” Point, Garbage. I can’t really tell you what else happened on this date due to the overpowering stench of Garbage, but everyone else was so boring that the 20-year-old Ricky Fowler look alike, Dean, got the group date rose. Good for you, Dean.

D is for Drama

The second group date the guys get a considerably better draw with a game of pick up basketball monitored by Kareem Abdul Jabar. DeMario is the focus of this date, which I wanted to attribute to his charisma fuckboi charm and casual ability to dunk a basketball. But something doesn’t feel right about this spotlight and even though deep down I know why, I think and hope that maybe, just maybe, it’s not him. It’s like when you’re watching a Law & Order SVU episode and it’s definitely the dad, but it feels way too obvious to actually be the dad, so instead you convince yourself its the neighbor but like, it was always the dad.  It was always DeMario. Always. You don’t get this kind of attention in a group date when there are previews of a scorned lover confronting her man unless it’s your scorned lover. Enter Lexi, the girl who DeMario was allegedly fucking days before he went on ATFR and met Rachel. Before she even opened her mouth I could tell from her eyebrows that this girl was trash and was ready to shamelessly take down the Big D. The build up to this drama is great. After being summoned by Rachel, DeMario is convinced he’s getting the rose and walks gleefully back into the gym talking about what he learned playing the game until he saw cash me ousside girl waiting for him.

DeMario’s face quickly goes from happy to freaked out to “confused.” He immediately launches into fuckboi defensive mode and makes a series of moves that only digs him deeper into the pit of despair.

Move 1: Pretend like you have no idea who this girl is and that you’ve never seen her before. Obviously this is NOT the right way to go, but you have to give him partial credit if only because I would also deny knowing (let alone fucking) someone that trashy. This obviously doesn’t work as she’s tracked him down, so it’s on to the next move.

Move 2: This girl is fucking crazy, and we met “many many times ago.” Um, what? Thankfully Rachel is smarter than to buy into the “she’s crazy” excuse that’s constantly applied to women by the patriarchy. Instead, she asks for clarification on what “many times ago” means, and at this point the Big D starts to sweat.

Move 3: Claim that this is personal stuff that we should handle off-camera. This was an obvious misstep that sent Lexi into a rage about unanswered text messages and fucking her 2 days before he went on ATFR. Rachel keeps it classy, however, pointing out that this is also her personal life so DeMario really needs to explain himself.

Move 4: Admit he dated her, but claim that he broke up with her because she was “too much” to handle, circling back to the old “she’s crazy” thesis. DeMario tries to suggest that he broke up with Lexi face to face, but then Lexi starts shouting about how he still has her keys... 

Move 5: Keys? What keys? I don’t  have your keys..... Oh, wait. I actually mailed them back to you. As if this mother fucker has ever been to the post office. At this point DeMario has to know that he’s totally fucked and should probably just leave before he says anything else. But he doesn’t. Instead, he continues trying to downplay what Lexi is saying until finally Rachel tells him he’s not making any sense and she just wants to know when was the last time he saw Lexi.

Check: Lexi stops swearing on her kittens’ lives long enough to offer up the receipts to prove not just her side of the story, but the exact date and time when Demario was last in and out of her...apartment. Before Rachel accepts any documents into evidence, she gives DeMario one last chance to say literally anything that isn’t a lie and asks if the dates on Lexi’s phone will match his story or hers....

Move 6: It depends on the dates...

Checkmate: Finally at the end of her rope, Rachel takes Lexi’s phone (which I imagine smells like cigarettes) and reads the standard fuckboi texts we all knew DeMario sent. Rachel calmly informs DeMario that she is not here to be played or to be made a joke of, so he can get the fuck out.

In the aftermath of the DeMario drama everyone starts whispering about how DeMario was obviously not there for the right reasons when, in reality, they are all there for the same reason: fame. DeMario was just sloppier about it. The remaining guys on the date all use this as an opportunity to let Rachel know they’re there “for her” and will “protect her” from this kind of behavior. Josiah flexes his protection muscles the most with his... creepy side eye stare and ends up getting the group date rose. We don’t get too far into the cocktail party before the ghost of DeMario comes knocking at the gates of The Bachelor mansion to prove once and for all that D is for determination dumbass.

Did you notice . . .

Ashton knew when he “first saw” Mila that they would get married ... after he married Demi Moore and played dad for a few years, of course.

“This is not a show. When I want to turn it on, I turn it off. When I want to turn it off, I turn it off.” - ummm that’s a show, Lucas.

Curious that Lucas and Blake hate each other so much yet look like pals in this picture from 2016....(also, the hastags...)

“I check my mailbox every day.” - Lexi, lol.

OF COURSE her name is Lexi with an I.

I could do without Alex’s singing, especially as it’s likely a trigger for the Russian Manchurian Candidate, Jared Kushner.

Minority Report: The most embarrassing part of the whole DeMario saga is that before the Bachelorette he was dating white trash like Lexi.