#I know I haven’t been writing much about Charlie and Shawn lately but Harry is the only fandom I feel like writing atm

[watchmegetobsessed]

Crush // Shawn Mendes mini-series part 1

okay so wow ummmm i started writing this sometime before christmas so it’s set at that time, idk i just had this idea about this story and went for it. it’s not gonna be long, not like a million parts, probably maximum five, im writing the very end of it now so i thought i would start posting it and im also trying to makeup for not bringing a new boundaries chapter lol but that’s also coming i swear!!! anyway, enjoy this short story of mine, i hope you’ll like it!!

masterlist

Christmas is always the same for me. I come home a few days before, spend most of my time on the couch watching reruns on my favorite series, I watch my younger brother, Eric come in and out of the house as he keeps meeting up with his friends, being a popular kid. I eat basically everything I can find in the kitchen and just… forget about the world. Then we have family dinner at our place with all my uncles, aunts and cousins, the house turns into a chaos for one evening and then being so selfless I help Mom clean the mess up in the morning while Dad is sleeping his hangover off, because as a host, he must have a drink with every guest. Then we watch Home Alone together and boom, Christmas is already over.

This year, I expect everything to be the same when I throw my suitcases in my old Honda Civic and head home for the holidays.

“Charlie, your family literally lives forty minutes from here, but you pack like you can’t come back if you forget something.”

I roll my eyes at Maddi’s comment. Looking up at her I just stick my tongue out as I close the trunk of my car. She is shivering, because she didn’t bother to put on her coat to help me bring my stuff down. Her long brown hair is all over her shoulders, and she has some mascara on her cheeks, probably from last night. She never cares what she looks like at home and that’s the kind of people I like to surround myself with. I’m always a hot mess at home and I just don’t get those who try to look fine when at home.

“Have fun at your sister’s,” I tell her hugging goodbye. She is leaving to New York tomorrow morning to spend the holidays at her sister who just got married this year and insisted on having their family gathering in their place this year.

“They’ll have booze, so I’m fine,” she scoffs. She is not always this grumpy, she is just not in the mood to fly to NYC on one of the busiest days of the year.

“Alright, see ya next year!” I wink at her getting into the car. She steps aside and waves for me as I leave the small parking lot of our apartment complex.

I sing along with Adam Levine while listening to some Maroon 5 on my way to the house where I grew up. I moved out after high school. Not because I hated living with my family, but I felt like this is a step I should be taking at that age. The start was rocky, I had my ups and downs, but all in all I didn’t regret it. I met Maddi, she moved to Toronto from Ottawa and was looking for someone to share a flat with. I was hesitant to live with a stranger, but we soon became best friends and I was eager to have new people in my life after my graduation. This is how we ended up together.

My heart warms as I turn into our old street. I loved living here, I have a lot of good memories from my childhood and I’m thankful I don’t have anything to complain about regarding my younger years.

I park next to my mom’s car and when I get out I see the curtains move in the window of the living room. A moment later the door opens and my dad walks out holding his arms out for me.

“Chipmunk! Hi!” he greets me with a wide smile and I basically get lost in his arms. He is so much taller than me, I look like an elf next to him. I inherited my mom’s height so I stopped at 5’6, have been that tall since I was sixteen. My brother, on the other hand, the little devil is 6’2 at fifteen, turning sixteen soon. Life is unfair, I could be a model with legs to live for if only my DNA took more from my dad.

“Hi Dad. You smell like cookies,” I chuckle. Letting go we both go to the trunk to get my stuff from the car.

“Because your mother is trying to turn the house into a gingerbread house,” he sighs grabbing both of my suitcases and we head inside.

“Why? She hates gingerbread.”

“Because your brother has his girlfriend over and she is trying to make everything so festive,” he says rolling his eyes as we finally get inside. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

“Girlfriend? Since when does Eric has a girlfriend?” I gasp feeling pretty much left out. No one told me Eric is dating a girl, but they keep updating me about the tiniest stuff in the group chat, like how a cat crossed the backyard last week. Who cares! I want to hear the tea about Eric’s love life!

“About three months. She is nice though, but your mother goes crazy every time she is over.”

“Three months? I’m offended, dad.”

“I thought he already told you!” he defends himself setting my stuff down.

“Charlie!” My mom comes barging out of the kitchen in the apron she got for Christmas a few years ago. Embracing me in a tight hug she kisses my forehead. “Are you hungry? We have some leftover carbonara, but I haven’t started making dinner yet. I’ve been cooking all day.”

“I heard you are into gingerbread lately.”

“Yeah, you want some? It turned out pretty good,” she smiles at me tugging her short blonde bob behind her ears. Her blue eyes are shining like a diamond, she is always so happy to have me home. It was a bit hard on her, watching her first kid leave the house, Eric said she kept checking in on him in the night the first month after I left. She got used to it by now, but she is always treating my arrival as a celebration, though I come home pretty often, namely to every birthdays, their anniversary, Easter, Christmas and a whole month in the summer, but I guess it’s not enough for her.

“Eric! Charlie is here!” she shouts upstairs for my brother. “So, hungry?” she asks again.

“Yeah, I could eat.”

We all move into the kitchen as my mom warms up a plate of pasta, Dad tests the gingerbread and I assume he doesn’t taste anything for the first three times, because he keeps eating it.

“How is Maddi? Is she going home for the holidays?” Mom asks handing me the food and getting back to decorating the rest of the gingerbreads.

“She is going to New York to her sister, Lara.”

“The one that got married this summer?” she asks.

“Mhm,” I hum with my mouth full.

I hear footsteps on the stairs and I quickly swallow the pasta, not wanting to look like a chipmunk when I meet Eric’s girlfriend for the first time. Take a guess why my dad calls me Chipmunk, I’m a full-face eater.

“Chipmunk!” Eric laughs walking into the kitchen. I roll my eyes at him.

“Shut up,” I spat. Standing up we exchange a quick side hug, this is the most we ever do. The moment I let go of him I see a girl walk in behind him.

She has long brown hair parted on the side, she is almost taller than me, the nice knitted turtleneck dress she is wearing was a great choice, it allows Eric to gape at her figure, but the turtleneck makes it more conservative for my parents. Smart girl.

“Charlie, this is my girlfriend, Aaliyah. Aaliyah, this is my sister, Charlotte.”

I hop off the stool and hold out a hand for her that she takes with a smile.

“Hi, I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Oh really? I hope you didn’t believe everything this dummie told you,” I scoff looking at Eric.

“Don’t worry, from what he told me about you he is obsessed with you,” she winks at me making Eric’s eyes go wide.

“What? No I’m not!”

Aaliyah steps closer to him hugging his waist with a bright smile on her face.

“Oh, don’t be shy, on our first date you mentioned her a million times. It’s okay, baby,” she giggles to herself making me instantly love her. Roasting Eric together can be our thing!

“Eric, it’s okay to love your sister to death,” I chime in enjoying the situation more than I should be, probably.

“Aaliyah, are you staying for dinner?” Mom asks smiling at her and offering her some gingerbread. She shakes her head no but takes a cookie.

“No, my brother is also coming home tonight, so I have to go home. But thank you.”

“Oh, okay.” I can tell she is disappointed that she has to go. I guess Mom loves Aaliyah, and from what I saw I can’t blame her. In fact, she might be too good for Eric!

We all stay in the kitchen while I finish my late lunch. I chat with Aaliyah finding out that she and Eric go to the same school, the school I also attended, and that she and Eric have math together. Aaliyah tutored Eric for one of the tests that ended up with him asking her out and the rest is history. She is very nice, well-mannered and pretty mature, that’s why I don’t know how well it all sits with my immature, ass little brother’s persona. Okay, I might exaggerate, he can be fine. Sometimes.

“I’m really sorry, but I have to head home now. But that you for everything, Mrs. Parker and see you on Tuesday, right?” Aaliyah nicely says standing up from the table.

“What is on Tuesday?” I ask.

“Oh, I forgot to mention, we are having dinner at Aaliyah’s with her family, is that alright, Chipmunk?” Mom caresses my cheek and I just shrug. Not that I have any special plans for the holidays.

“I thought we are having the usual family dinner.”

“Oh no.” Mom shakes her head. “We are skipping that this year. Aunt Mary and Lance are in Switzerland, your cousins Harry and Donald are too occupied with their studies, or that’s what they say. And then…”

“Okay, I get it. Everyone I busy,” I cut her off chuckling. “Then, dinner sounds good. Hey, Aaliyah, do you need a ride home?” I offer, but she shakes her head no putting her coat on with Eric right behind her.

“No, it’s good, I live two streets down, Eric will walk me home.”

My brother nods approvingly putting his own coat on. Wow, he is whipped! Good job, Aaliyah!

“It was nice meeting you!” I smile at her.

“You too, Charlotte!” She waves goodbye, and they leave.

   This year’s Christmas is starting off just the same. I watch Brooklyn 99 during the day, work on a paper that is due to after the holidays and just casually hang out with my parents and Eric. The only thing that is different that Eric always has his phone in his hands, texting Aaliyah non-stop.

On the 25th I help Mom make come cookies that we can bring over for our dinner invitation, and she asks me about my love life, as per usual.

“So, have you been on any dates lately?”

I can’t help but roll my eyes as I hand her over the milk.

“Not really,” I admit sighing. Not because I’m sad I haven’t, but because I’m tired of these questions. I’m twenty, I still have time, it’s not like I’m supposed to get married anytime soon.

“I really wish Dylan didn’t turn into an ass.” She shakes her head and I scoff.

“He didn’t just turn into one, he was always one, he was just good at fooling people.”

Dylan Sanders, aka my only ex-boyfriend. I dated him from the age of fifteen until I almost turned eighteen. It’s a long time, and I’m kinda ashamed it took me so long to realize how big of an ass he really is. The pink clouds made me blind, but fortunately, it cleared up at one point and I successfully ended our toxic relationship. Too bad this point was after I ruined all my friendships because of him and ended up on my own when we ended things. This is one of the reasons I was excited to start a new life at the university, make new friends and just stop being Dylan Sanders’ girlfriend.

“Hey, maybe Aaliyah’s brother is nice. How amazing it would be if you dated him!”

Seeing her dreamy eyes I start laughing.

“Mom! I haven’t even met him, but I know you are already planning our marriage. Stop it, please.”

“Aaliyah is pretty great, I’m sure her brother is alike her.”

“Whatever, just please don’t make it awkward,” I plea. She just waves in dismiss.

 I talk to Maddi right before it’s time to leave. I’m finishing up my makeup as the phone is laying in front of me with her on speaker.

“I’m serious. Nothing is more embarrassing than being the drunkest at a family gathering,” she moans painfully.

“Maybe you learnt your lesson now,” I chuckle fixing my mascara.

“Not really. Chapter 2 comes tonight, my cousins are arriving and they are hardcore drinkers.” She sighs tiredly. “Whatever. So, dinner tonight at Eric’s girlfriend’s? How is she?”

“She is cute. Almost too good for my stinky brother, but they look cute, it’s like a puppy love.”

“Aw, that’s the best! Well, I’m interested in the details so text me when you get home.”

“Will do.”

“Charlie! We are leaving!” I hear mom shouting from downstairs.

“Gotta go, talk to you later,” I quickly say before ending the call.

I stand up and check myself one last time in the mirror. I chose to wear a mustard colored knitted jumper with a pair of black jeans and silver hoops in my ears. I grab my phone from the table and join my family downstairs.

Aaliyah really lives close to us, we don’t take the car, just walk and we arrive in about ten minutes. It’s a nice two story house, kinda typical around here.

“Please don’t embarrass me, okay?” Eric asks us right before ringing the doorbell. The kid is too in love.

Aaliyah opens the door for us in a nice nude dress and she kisses Eric on the lips shortly before we all walk in.

“Mom!” She shouts while we are taking our coats and shoes off and a blonde woman appears soon in the hallway.

“Hi! So good to have you here!” She greets us with a wide smile. “I’m Karen, and this is Manny, my husband,” she introduces herself and the man who joins us in a moment.

“I’m Evelyn, this is George and Charlotte, Eric’s sister,” Mom introduces us and we all shake hands.

As we walk into the living room where there are wineglasses waiting for us I remember that Aaliyah has a brother. Just when I realize this I hear another male voice behind me.

“Oh, and this is our son, Aaliyah’s brother,” Karen gestures towards the door and I turn around just to have my jaw drop to the floor. “Shawn.”

Shawn Mendes is standing there, shaking hands with my parents and Eric and when his eyes find me he is just as shocked as me.

“Um, hi. I-I assume we already know each other,” he mumbles stepping closer and I shake his hand very shortly. I can’t believe he is Aaliyah’s brother, how did I not see the resemblance?

“Yeah. Hi,” I say nervously and Karen gives us a confused look.

“How do you guys know each other?”

“We-“ I start, but Shawn cuts me off.

“Mom, you remember my friend, Dylan from high school? Um, Charlotte dated him for a few years,” he says uncomfortably and I feel the same.

Shawn and Dylan were best buds when we started dating. They hung out all the time and I was trying my best to be on good terms with him as well. I wanted to be friends with Dylan’s friends so badly, but Shawn… He always seemed to hate me. No matter how friendly I tried to be he was always pretty rigid and weird with me, often avoiding to be in the same room as me and he also had a few quite hurtful comments that I tried to shake off for the sake of my relationship. Oh, and the worst was when he made an attempt to break us up telling Dylan lies about me.  Thinking back at it now I wish he succeed, but it was still an asshole move from him, working so against me all that time, I wish I stood up for myself, but I was so into Dylan I was willing to put up with everything, even a mean best friend.

I haven’t seen him since about, tenth grade, when he became a private student to purchase his dreams and become a singer. Dylan kept in touch with him for a while, but I think they eventually stopped talking at one point.

“For two and a half years, to be exact,” I add bitterly.

“Oh! Wait, you are…” Karen starts, but Shawn gives her an unreadable look and she quickly gets quiet. “Never mind.” I raise my eyebrows seeing the scene, it’s quite odd. What did she want to tell me about? Did Dylan tell her stuff about me when he was still friends with Shawn?

I keep thinking about it as we have a nice glass of wine and move over into the dining room where the table is already set. The two families take place around the oval shaped dining table, I have my mom on my right and Eric on my left and I’m so lucky to have Shawn right across me, staring at me, making me quite anxious.

This is too uncomfortable, I think to myself. I try my best to ignore his gaze on me, and I mostly focus on Karen and Manny. They are extremely nice though. The dinner is amazing, the parents seem to hit it off immediately finding all the common things. Aaliyah and Eric seem to be satisfied, while I just sit there, ignoring Shawn’s eyes on me.

“And Shawn, which university are you studying at?” Mom asks making Eric laugh and she gives him a confused look. “What?”

“Mom, Shawn is…” Eric starts, but I cut him off before I could even stop myself from talking.

“He is a singer, Mom.”

“A singer? Like, a famous one?”

“He was voted as one of the most influential people this year,” Eric informs her and her eyes go wide. In the meanwhile, Shawn is just sitting there with a shy smile on his face.

“I’m sorry, I’m not really good with these stuff.”

“It’s fine. But, yeah. I don’t go to school. What about you, Charlotte?”

I can’t help but cringe how he calls me Charlotte, again. He did this in the past even though I hated being called Charlotte. I had this obsession to be a tomboy and though Charlie sounds better with my image. Now I don’t mind it, but still, most people call me Charlie, and he knows it, I think.

“I- Um… I’m a student at the University of Toronto. I study literature.”

“Oh, that sounds lovely! How much do you have left?” Manny asks clearly interested in my education.

“One year.”

“And what are you planning after?” Shawn suddenly asks and I’m surprised he is interested in anything in connection with me.

“Um… I don’t know just yet,” I mumble feeling nervous in the center of attention.

“Don’t be silly, Charlie!” Mom starts rolling her eyes. “Charlie is already working on a project for a book publisher. They are working on a book especially for sick children that has stories with characters with illnesses or disabilities.”

“That sounds amazing!” Karen cheers looking at me proudly and I can feel myself blushing.

“So you are still very generous,” Shawn comments and I look up at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“Still?” He shakes his head clearing his throat as if he just realized what he said.

“Um, yeah. Dylan used to tell me how much you volunteered and stuff…” he mumbles with his eyes fixed on his plate.

Oh, so he and Dylan talked about me and he still remembers it? That’s quite surprising, I thought he forgot about me as soon as he set his foot outside of Toronto. He never seemed to be interested in anything about me.

After dessert the table breaks up. Karen and my mom starts bringing the tables back to the kitchen, Manny and Dad move to the living room and Shawn disappears somewhere. Aaliyah is helping in the kitchen while Eric is just about to join the dad section, but I pull him to the side in the hallway.

“Why didn’t you tell me Aaliyah’s brother is Shawn Mendes?” I hiss at him, but he just gives me a puzzled look.

“Why do you care? I thought you are not a fan of these celebrities.”

I roll my eyes at him.

“Yeah, but a heads up would have been good, and if you told me who he is, I would have gotten ready to meet him. We weren’t really the best of buds in school.”

“Okay, and how would have I known? I was eleven when you and Dylan got together, even if you told me about Shawn, I wouldn’t remember it for my life. And besides, what is your problem with him? He is cool and nice.”

“Now he is, but he was an ass when I was dating Dylan.”

“Okay, well… that’s the past. Get yourself over it.”

He pats my shoulder before walking away. I growl in annoyance, because he is right, he couldn’t have known my past with Shawn. I don’t think I shared anything with him back then, it was way before our relationship matured and could actually talk without getting into a fight on the floor. All siblings need time to get over this phase. Ours ended sometime right before I moved out.

I rub my face to pull myself together and turning around I’m about to go after Eric and join the conversation in the living room, but then Shawn appears on the stairs and I stop.

“Hey,” he quietly says and I nod at him awkwardly. I have no idea how to deal with this situation. “So… I know, it’s awkward after all these years.”

“Yeah, it is,” I chuckle with a grimace.

“Are you… How are you and Dylan these days?”

“I have no idea how he is. After we broke up in senior year I saw him once. Two years ago at McDonald’s with some blonde chick.”

“Why did you two break up?” he asks it nosily. I find it pretty weird to stand here, at the Mendes house’s hallway with Shawn Mendes and talk about my breakup with my high school sweetheart.

“Um… He cheated on me with Kristi Burgess.”

“Ouch,” he frowns. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I shrug. “I cried for about a month, but I guess I’m over it now,” I say jokingly and he also cracks a smile.

There is a short silence that is rather awkward, I don’t know if I should say something, or just walk away, but he is the first one to speak up.

“Listen. I know I was quite the asshole back in high school and I’m sorry for that. I’ve matured, I changed and I thought that maybe… we could start over. I haven’t talked to Dylan in years either and I was acting like a douche because I thought it was impressing him. I was so stupid.”

I can relate to that. Dylan had this power over people, he could make them want to satisfy him and make him impressed, but it’s all bullshit.

“This sounds great. Let’s forget about everything in connection with Dylan,” I offer and he smiles at me nodding.

“Deal. Well, it’s nice to see you again, Charlotte.”

“Okay, as a starter, you could finally call me Charlie,” I tell him chuckling.

“Yeah. Sorry, I guess I’m used to calling you Charlotte,” he apologizes. “Charlie, why don’t we join our families for another drink maybe?”

“Sounds like a plan,” I nod and I follow him into the living room.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 9th June 2019

Okay so full disclosure; I haven’t been enjoying writing this show for a while, mostly because of how I’ve been barely been able to keep up with life yet alone new music as it comes out each week... but let’s not get into detail. This isn’t what I’m here for, I’m here to ramble about pop music that probably isn’t all that interesting anyway, in this case a lot of British hip hop.

Top 10

“I Don’t Care” by Ed Sheeran featuring Justin Bieber is unsurprisingly still at the top after being at first place running on the chart ever since its debut four weeks ago.

Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” featuring Billy Ray Cyrus hasn’t moved since last week either, still at number-two.

In fact, the whole top 10 is stable and kind of stale. To exemplify that, only number-five has moved from last week. Hence, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi is at number-three.

“Vossi Bop” by Stormzy holds on at number-four.

Billie Eilish’s “bad guy” actually moves a singular space up to number-five.

“Piece of Your Heart” by MEDUZA and Goodboys, however, has not at number-six.

“Hold Me While You Wait” by Lewis Capaldi is at number-seven.

The late Avicii’s “SOS” featuring Aloe Blacc is at number-eight. I’ll be up next week thanks to the album’s release.

To my surprise, Ed Sheeran’s “Cross Me” featuring Chance the Rapper and PNB Rock is still at number-nine off of the debut last week. I’d like to add that this is an Ed Sheeran song with a producer tag. Huh.

Shawn Mendes’ “If I Can’t Have You” rounds off the top 10 by not moving at #10.

Climbers

Well, there aren’t many climbers this week, especially since it’s busy in terms of new arrivals, but there are some increases here. “Wish You Well” by Sigala and Becky Hill zooms up 15 spaces to #24 (Methinks it didn’t have a full tracking week last week as this sudden increase seems odd), whilst “Falling Like the Stars” by James Arthur continues an unfortunate gain up the charts as it’s moving up 10 spaces to #25. Other than that, we have nothing. However, it’s a different story with our Fallers.

Fallers

We’ll have to do what we usually don’t have enough fallers to do anymore and split it into genre categories, especially as pretty much everything in the second half of the Top 40 is in freefall.

In terms of pop, rock and EDM, “Summer Days” by Martin Garrix, Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy and Macklemore is down six spaces to #40 off of the debut, “Giant” by Calvin Harris and Rag’n’Bone Man continues its fall down six to #39, “3 Nights” by Dominic Fike is sadly down five to #38, “Late Night Feelings” by Mark Ronson featuring Lykke Li is down six to #36, “So Am I” by Ava Max collapses down 10 spaces to #35, “Easier” by 5 Seconds of Summer (Featuring Nine Inch Nails, simply because it’s funnier this way) is down five off of the debut to #34, “Talk” by Khalid is down six to #28, “Here with Me” by Marshmello and CHRVCHES is down four to #20, and that’s about it.

For hip-hop and R&B, we have slightly less notable hits, with “EARFQUAKE” by Tyler, the Creator featuring Playboi Carti and Charlie Wilson continuing its unfortunate fall down 13 spaces to #37, “Fashion Week” by Steel Banglez, AJ Tracey and MoStack falling down five spaces to #33, “Guten Tag” by Hardy Caprio and Digdat dropping down four to #27, right next to “OT Bop” by NSG collapsing down nine spaces to #26 off of the debut. We also have “The London” by Young Thug, J. Cole and Travis Scott down four to #22, “Keisha & Becky” by Russ and Tion Wayne down four to #19, and that’s all.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

Well, streaming cuts have snabbed “Grace” by Lewis Capaldi of its longevity as it drops out from #14 – no, I’m not complaining – and the same could be said for “Your Mrs” but JAY1 out from #37 but I’d argue that’s just because people are starting to realise the song is awful. Otherwise, well, streaming cuts have hurt “Sucker” by Jonas Brothers as well out from #20 and “Just You and I” by Tom Walker is out from #36 (There will be a rebound), but it’s not like I didn’t expect the Skepta album bomb of sorts to get rid of competition, as “Motorola” by DaBeatfreakz featuring Swarmz, Deno and Dappy is out from #38, “No Diet” by Digga D is out from #32 and... “Earth” by Lil Dicky and Friends, which isn’t competition for Skepta but would have been out from #40 anyway. There is one returning entry but we won’t be covering it in this section, because it’s time for the new arr—

ALBUM BOMB

Skepta – Ignorance is Bliss

New section time, I suppose, even though there won’t be any new content for the most part. This is just a separated space for me to talk about mini-album bombs as they don’t really exist in the UK, but they allow three songs from an artist at once. Hence, Skepta is currently charting three songs from his highly-anticipated album Ignorance is Bliss (Which I haven’t had the time or motivation to listen to, as with most recently-released albums), two of which are completely new and will be at both ends of the chart. There is one returning entry however, as “Greaze Mode” featuring Nafe Smallz, despite being pretty awful, reaches a new peak at #18 after dropping off last week.

#32 – “Bullet from a Gun” – Skepta

Produced by Skepta and Ragz Originale

Now, the BBC usually censors any objectionable material on the album covers and replaces them with a picture of the artist, but Skepta flipping the bird and holding a gun was fine here, I suppose. This song was actually part of the double A-side single Skepta released to promote the album before its release, but it never charted in the top 40 until it ended up as the opening song on the tracklist, as well as having a video pushed. Now, I hated “Greaze Mode” so hopefully its less accessible counterpart will be better, and, well, it is, but not because this is of insane levels of quality. The instrumental’s eerie synths here are hypnotic like most of Skepta’s self-produced synth loops but the infectiousness of the beat doesn’t translate to the vocals and content here, as his oddly low-mixed vocals under the trap percussion don’t go into any detail until the verse where he talks about how he can’t make any sorrowful songs mourning his father because he’s only thankful for him and how he has rubbed off on Skeppy himself, and then he actually goes into a pretty emotional verse about facing demons and considering seeing his daughter’s face every day as a blessing, with a rapid and blunt flow, because he can’t be sure every day that he’ll be alive to see the next morning, not because he’s still involved in gang violence as he’s matured from that experience but because he’s paranoid of those we are supposed to place our trust in most, the police. That’s only a few bars though, and while they connect and they are pretty powerful lines, it has to be book-ended with Skepta taking your girl because it was just your turn and not learning his lesson by shooting you as that’s just how the world works. I mean, this isn’t bad by any means, but staying on topic would be appreciated when you emphasise such heavy subject matter for as many bars as you do but completely abandon it by the end of that one extended verse. The beat’s great, though, and Skepta’s delivery has always been pretty aggressive on these types of beats, so for what it is, it’s decent and it works fine for Skepta’s 13th Top 40 hit. Next.

#14 – “What Do You Mean?” – Skepta featuring J Hus

Produced by Skepta and iO

Now this is Skepta’s 14th Top 40 hit over here in the UK and J Hus’ sixth (In terms of top 20 hits, it’s Hus’ third and Skepta’s fourth). J Hus, recently released out of prison, delivered a consistently fire and really impressive feature verse on Dave’s “Disaster” last time we had a British hip-hop album bomb onto the charts, and has performed with Drake hours after he was released, but honestly a lot of the time I find J Hus to be uninteresting in his solo work, and his last album was droning and honestly pretty dull. This, on the other hand, is a complete banger. Skepta’s self-produced beat is equally as menacing and eerie as “Bullet with a Gun” but I see it takes some steps from ‘90s G-funk with that synth line, backed up by strings and plunging 808s. J Hus’ Auto-Tuned chorus is really slick, and he shows a lot of swagger in his funky yet relatively mellow hook, before Skepta comes in bouncing with a pretty intense verse. Is the content anything interesting? No, but it’s not trying to, and when the beat is this interesting of an amalgamation of trap, G-funk and freaking banjos in the second chorus, as well as smooth as hell flows delivered by Skepta, you don’t need insane lyricism. I love how the multi-tracked vocals from J Hus transition perfectly into Skeppy’s verses as well, and both ride the beat fantastically. Not much to say about this one but I’m glad to see some trap with an actual groove to it that doesn’t overstay its welcome, as well as performers who know what they’re doing spitting on it. Oh, and the vocals are actually mixed decently this time. Seems like Skeppy’s mixing may be a bit inconsistent especially on the vocal side, as the bass and kick here are much louder than they need to be. I love this, though, so check it out.

Oh, yeah and J Hus crooning “North Korea” is hilarious to me.

NEW ARRIVALS

#31 – “Mother’s Daughter” – Miley Cyrus

Produced by Andrew Wyatt – Peaked at #10 in Hungary and Slovakia, #54 in the US

Miley Cyrus has released another absolute trainwreck of an album a la Dead Petz, but this time it’s harder to swallow as it’s just an EP and all tracks take on a different style of music, despite being primarily trap-influenced. That sounds like it’d be an interesting venture into the Cyrus psyche but nope, SHE IS COMING is just as awful as I and many others expected, but the breakout single, her 16th UK Top 40 hit, doesn’t exactly make that evident, because instead it’s just mediocre, almost painfully so. This starts with a scratchy guitar mumble before exploding into a synth-lead trap beat, complete with high-pitched vocal samples, but it seems really lightweight, mostly because all these pop princesses that try their hand on trap beats can’t pick a beat with any bass or intensity, especially when this song is about playing up a archetypal villain role for the media, I assume, and despite the distortion on her vocals she still has the country twang, can’t flow for the like of her and belts a post-chorus that is pitchy and hard to listen to. Really, the whole song is just one big mess, not even mixing wise as it’s completely fine on a technical level (Although the lack of much noticeable sub-bass to speak of concerns me), but the messiness of the songwriting really shows in the bridge, which essentially takes away the gliding synths and places the scratchy guitar groaning in its place, whilst Miley rapid-fire spits an incredibly janky flow. The final chorus also has these “Oh, my God” lines as filler to replace the lines in the chorus, which doesn’t break up the monotony of this song at all. The cringeworthy outro aside, this is just boring – and it looks like I won’t get a break from dullness anytime soon.

#16 – “Bruises” – Lewis Capaldi

Produced by Lewis Capaldi and James Earp – Peaked at #19 in Scotland

When I said that Capaldi had streaming cuts, that may not have been entirely accurate as Capaldi has debuted his fourth UK hit in the top 20 to replace “Grace”, so seemingly the three song per artist rule has kicked out the lowest performing song. Now Capaldi’s success doesn’t surprise me, because there’s no one making breathy, low-key ballads that Sheeran specialised in – well, there are, they’re just not gaining real traction – so we need to fill a hole while Sheeran’s off partying at a party he doesn’t want to be at with Justin Bieber and PNB Rock. I am, however, incredibly disappointed by his success, because he and James Arthur make me want to throw bricks at squirrels. Now this is actually his first official single as it was released independently (And on his label) back in early 2017, but thanks to inclusion on his newest album, has had a boost two and a half years late, and we weren’t really missing anything. I’ve heard this before reviewing the charts this week, I feel it was an advert, and it really does seem like a song for melodramatic commercials. I’ll give it to him, Capaldi has strength and he has a lot of power in his young voice, with a rock edge I appreciate that Arthur doesn’t have, but this instrumental is painfully simple, to the point where it’s so minimal that it can’t work, especially with Capaldi’s multi-tracked falsetto nonsense crooning, as that would make much more sense with an actual drum beat instead of just soul-less piano notes being looped under Capaldi essentially vocally riffing. By the final chorus and bridge, you’d expect some strings or something, surely, but, no, it stays as it was until the last second, where a secondary piano line plays... and it just plays the vocal melody from the chorus, once. It’s not worth it at that point, and there’s not even a stylish finish to the whole thing. To be fair, it’s the only Capaldi song I’ve heard that isn’t excruciating. Doesn’t mean it’s any good though.

#15 – “Shine Girl” – MoStack featuring Stormzy

Produced by Ill Blu, TSB and Levi Lennox

God, I really don’t like MoStack. I’ve never heard a chorus or verse from him that’s compelling in his five Top 40 hits (and three Top 20 hits) since “No Words”, and most of his singles are Auto-Tuned faux-dancehall faux-grime nonsense, but he’s just released a 40-minute album (Delightful) with features from J Hus, Dave, Fredo and of course Stormzy, who has propelled one of the STACKO tracks to the top 20, becoming his 14th Top 40 hit and his seventh Top 20. Is it any good? Well, actually, it’s much better than most of MoStack’s stuff, mostly because the twinkling synths in this Afrobeats track are actually fitting as instead of attempting to be threatening, menacing or intimidating, it’s a love song. Stormzy’s hook, despite being somewhat overly possessive, is somewhat cute and the multi-tracked harmony backing vocals are really nice... MoStack exists though, and the content here pretty much chalks up to having sex with other girls despite the fact that both Stormzy and MoStack are always talking about how they love the sex from this girl in particular. MoStack is nasal and irritating as usual, although I do like the completely irrelevant line where he asks why Stormzy’s high

Wait, Stormzy, why you look so damn high?

It’s offbeat, drenched in Auto-Tune and reverb, and mixed below both the instrumental and Stormzy, but overall, MoStack is mostly a non-presence, so that’s cool. I like Stormzy’s hook well enough, and the piano dwindling at the tail-end is pretty excellent, so, you know what, Stacko, you get a pass for now.

#13 – “Never Really Over” – Katy Perry

Produced by Zedd and Dreamlab – Peaked at #4 in Scotland and #15 in the US

So, she’s back. Katy Perry has been existent for  a while now but she hasn’t released that big comeback single since her waning success with the Witness era, so she’s come back with a bang... except it’s a Zedd production and it’s only in the top 20. To be fair, I’d accept anything if I had just experienced that trainwreck of an album cycle. Did you guys hear about how Zedd doesn’t actually produce or compose his own beats, though? Yeah, that’s pretty dreadful, apparently he can’t play piano in a note other than C. I don’t believe that for a second personally, but the dude absolutely tears into Zedd, it’s hilarious. Anyway, is this Katy Perry song any good? Well, it does take me back to the days where Katy Perry was massive, with the cute yet simplistic synth line and finger-snaps making up a vibe similar to the introductions to a lot of her earlier hits. It is familiar overall actually, I swear I’ve heard that vocal melody in the pre-chorus before. The rattling percussion adds some bounce but may be a bit too stiff and unnatural, as a lot of Zedd’s production is. The snares and even Perry’s vocals are clipping over the cloudy synth mix in the chorus, however, and the lyrics are repetitious and somewhat meaningless... but who cares? That drop is incredible. The song could be a Chris Brown song featuring posthumous vocals from XXXTENTACION produced by Tay Keith if it had that fun, 80s-reminiscent drop which Katy Perry essentially triplet-flows over. The way it carries into the bridge as well makes it very manic and it works as a damn good post-chorus. Oh, yeah, and that ticking clock is annoying, and only made sense in “Stay” and “The Middle”. I’d say stop using it, but Zedd doesn’t exactly have much control over his compositions so I’m gonna say it’s Dreamlab’s fault for implementing it if anyone. It’s really jankily pushed into this song and doesn’t make for a good outro at all, there’s literally a clock solo. Oh, yeah, and this is Katy Perry’s 28th UK Top 40 hit. That’s insane.

Conclusion

There’s not much really to go home about here, although Best of the Week is probably going to Skepta and J Hus for “What Do You Mean?”, with the Honourable Mention going to both Skepta and Katy Perry – yep, it’s a tie – for “Bullet with a Gun” and “Never Really Over”, while Worst of the Week is easily going to Miley Cyrus for “Mother’s Daughter”. In fact, I’d be hesitant to give ANYONE, even Reviewing the Charts nemesis Lewis Capaldi (and MoStack for that matter), a Dishonourable Mention of any sort. Hence, follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings, sarcastically quote-tweeting Piers Morgan and I’ll see you next week.