#I love their stupid little bonding session in the hell out they’re so fucking funny

[cerealmonster15]

As much as I love bullying riddle for saying shit like “the rules of friendship” I literally catch myself also thinking that way jjsjwhdjfhgg like earlier today I stopped in my tracks on a train of though of like, what the correct course of action is for interacting with certain real people. The right way. The correct hypothetical dialogue options. Strategies for a favorable outcome. Breaking invisible social rules I maybe don’t understand??? About tumblr mutuals even. And I was like Omg I’m behaving very Riddle Rosehearts Book 6 right now bdbdnfngngngkffjf

Riddle 🤝 me

Some sort of neurodivergent social issues idk

[nieladasdenani]

Thank you, @tv-taught-me-how-to-flail for the prompt:

I could go for some warrior nun angst if you’re up for it (preferably one with a happy ending though) something like it’s the finale battle and Ava tricks the nuns and locks them in a cell cuz she doesn’t want any members of her new found family to get die in the battle, and she says her last goodbyes 😢 Would love of there was some avatrice thrown in there too 😉 

So, I’m going to try. I’m not sure if I can write angst, though. I’m also not sure Ava would deliberately plan to lock them and leave them to self-sacrifice. It would be an impulse by fear on the moment. I hope it meets your expectations. You can read it on AO3 if you rather.

-----------------

This is wrong. Nothing is going as Ava thought it would be going. She has been training so hard since the Vatican, she shouldn’t be feeling so defeated already, she shouldn’t be defeated, period. Of course, she wasn’t expecting it to be easy, but this feels like losing. This feels like failing. Like she failed. All she can think about is that she failed and her family is going to die because of it.

She can see Mary, badass Mary, running out of ammo. Sweet Camila panting, scared. Scary Lilith roaring and lashing out. Perfect Beatrice dividing her attention between her own fights and covering Ava’s back. Because she’s frozen in place, Ava is. She promised she was going to be the last Warrior Nun, and she’s going to keep this promise. She’s keeping this promise without letting any of her sisters died. So, she straightens up, looks around. They’ve been cornered inside a sort of closed plaza, surrounded by four walls and the only entrance has been blocked with debris. Adriel is on the other side, Ava sent him flying with a potent burst of the Halo when she saw he had Lilith by the neck.

He told Ava all about how he was going to kill her sisters one by one in front of her. “Starting with the hellhound”, he had said. He’s been whispering about it in her dreams, too. For weeks. Weeks of her waking with screams and panic attacks. Weeks of them talking about those dreams and planing accordingly. And yet, it’s all wrong. But she’s going to fix this. She will not let him kill them. She’s on borrowed time, anyway.

The horde of possessed is almost completely contained, now. But Ava thinks it’s enough to have her sisters occupied while she goes and finishes this. She levitates and uses enough of the Halo to slow the advance of the enemies. She knows she can’t stop them for long, just a moment to tell her final goodbye. They’re all looking at her now, confused, a mixture of frowns that range from bewildered to outraged.

“Ava?” It’s Beatrice, of course. “What’s going on?”

“I... I love you guys. I never thought, even in my wildest dreams, that I would live such an adventure or have a family. And you gave me this.”

“What the fuck are you talking about” Mary’s never been good at feeling out of the loop.

“I promised I was going to be the last Warrior Nun. And I’m going to finish this.”

“Ava, no”

"I’m not gonna let him kill you!”

“Why are you like this? Get your skinny ass down here, so we can contain the possessed and go send your daddy back to hell” Ava scrunches her face at Mary.

“Ew! He’s not my daddy!”

“Are you sure? Because you’re kind of making want to kill you right now”

“Would you both stop? Ava, please. You are not going to go by yourself. That was not the plan.” Beatrice is starting to look pissed.

“That's actually the exact opposite of the plan” Camila says, huffing a little.

“The most important part of the plan is where neither of you die!”

“The most important part of the plan is: trust your team”, ok now she’s officially angry then. But Ava softens.

“I trust my team. But I love my family more.”

“You said you promised to be the last. That doesn’t have to mean you die.”

“Hey, maybe I can beat him by myself.”

“You can, but there’s no need to risk it when you can have back-up. You do not need to do this alone, Ava.”

“He promised he would make me watch him kill you. I won’t allow it, Beatrice!”

“And I promised you that you’d never be alone again!”

Ava can feel her hold on the possessed weakening. So she has to end this. She can feel tears starting to run down her cheeks. She looks at them, one by one.

“I love you.” And she phases through the wall leaving behind a symphony of yells and curses. She takes a moment to compose herself, before going in search for Adriel. 

She finds him lying in the ground. If she took a moment she’d see he looks like he can’t even stand up. But she’s blinded by fear. And he can sense this.

“Well, did you finally decide to be a worthy Warrior, then, child?”

“Shut up. I decided I’m going to send you back to hell!” And he has the audacity of laughing.

“Please. We both know how this is going to end. I’m going to rip my Halo from your back, and I’m going to claim my rightful place as master of the world, while you lie there dying slowly and alone.”

“Big talk for a dude who’s not even standing.”

“I could kill you without the use of my limbs!”

“Like the Black Knight?” And he looks so confused, it would be funny. “Monty Python? Oh, wait. You could not know about it... Wait! Was it a real event?”

“Silence! You’ve overstayed your welcome, Warrior Nun. It’s my time now!” In a flash he’s in her space. Her reflex is to swipe her sword at him, which is a testament of the long training sessions with Lilith, and Beatrice and Mary and Camila. They spar for a while. But she’s starting to get worried that her sisters are going to burst out at any moment. And that’s the only opening Adriel needs.

He sweeps her off her feet, and she lays hard on the ground, face first, so he has the chance to press a knee on her back. She’s expecting him to reach a hand, like he did on his tomb, but he’s fumbling for something. And then she feels the cut and heat of divinium on her skin. She barely can avoid screaming.

“It’s over child. Thank you for following my instructions so well. You thought you were helping them? You thought this would spare them? Did you think at all?” She is screaming now, and crying, because it hurts, and she’s alone.

There’s a thunk and thump, and then a very distinctive snort followed by a:

“She never thinks.” And Ava may be delirious because that sounds like Lilith.

“Ava!” And that sounds like Beatrice. And the hand helping her turn and cupping her cheek feels like Beatrice, too. “Ava?” But she doesn’t want to open her eyes, because it will be devastating to realize she’s dying alone on the ground.

“The wound is a little deep, and she’s bleeding a lot. But I can patch it temporarily while we finish here and get to safety.” Her brain is conjuring images of Camila at her back.

Then she’s been lifted of the ground, and now she frowns because, sure, she has a very vivid imagination, product of twelve years of emotional abuse while paralyzed in a bed, but never this vivid. And never as violent as actually feeling someone smack her hard on the back of the head. 

“Ow!”

“You stupid, stupid girl. If you think this is all the repercussion you’re going to get for being the dumbest Warrior Nun ever, you’re even more stupid than I’ve just stated.”

“Mary, I don’t believe it’s the time for this.” Even in her dreams Beatrice comes to her defense.

“And I don’t believe hitting her in the head will help make her less stupid.” Ok, so now Ava opens her eyes, because that was definitely Lilith adding insults to the growing pile.

“What?...”

“Oh hey, stupid! Are you done being a drama queen?”

“Mary...” Beatrice sounds tired when she sighs the gunslinger’s name. Then she’s cupping Ava’s face: “Ava? Can you look at me, please?” Of course she does, she always wants to look at Beatrice. “I think she needs a second to recover.”

“Whats’... How...?”

“Did you really think we were going to let you run off like a self-sacrificing martyr?” And wow, ok, Camila has a bite.

“You also forgot I can open portals.” Oh, that’s right. Lilith can open portals, she’s also been training and exploring her new powers. It’s actually one of the ways they’ve bonded a lot.

“But, we were overrun by the possessed”

“Yes, Ava. The plan shifted. But we still had it under control. And if you have stopped to listen to us for a second you would have realized that we were containing the threat of the possessed to then be able to face Adriel together properly.”

“Oh.” Yes, Beatrice is definitely angry at her.

“Yes, oh. Now quit the drama and finish the dude.” There’s what Ava could only describe as an evil laugh coming from Adriel who’s still on the ground, panting.

“You think you children can defeat me? Areala, who was an actual Warrior could only hide me away on a tomb.”

“You said that like she sent you on a cruise, dumbass.” It’s Mary.

“I said that as someone who can escape again, fool.”

“We know we can kill you.” Beatrice.

“And we know we can’t contain you here.” Camila.

“We also know who’s eager to get their hands on you.” Lilith, who then turns to Ava: “Ready?” And yeah. She’s ready to send this demon back to hell. Literally.

“Yeah. Ready” Ava picks her sword with a pained grimace. And before she can take the couple of steps that separate her from Adriel, she feels a strong, delicate hand on her shoulder, so she turns to Beatrice.

“Remember, spend as much Halo energy as possible without depleting it completely. We want it’s signal to be muted, but not enough to put you at risk.” She nods, and proceeds to lift her sword over her head to strike.

“What do you think you’re doing? You can’t kill me!”

“Like they said, we know. But we can hurt you before we gift you away.”

She summons as much as the Halo power as she dares before striking him down. His pained screams fill the open space around them, but she keeps the sword in him until she starts to feel weak. Then she stops, and stumbles back into strong arms that hold her up. That’s when Lilith comes forward and looks at him like he’s a bug she just crushed under her boot and is disgusted to have to clean it up. She lifts her claws, and he flinches, it’s so satisfying to see. But she doesn’t strike as he expects, she opens a huge portal and after a couple of seconds of nothing, they hear a deafening roar, the thunderous approach until the imposing form of the Tarask appears through the portal.

Adriel chokes out a whimpering “No” catching the full attention of the monster, who promptly drags him through the closing portal. Lilith sags into the calm that follows, but Mary is there, ready to assist her.

“All right. You freaks good to go?”

“Mary, I don’t appreciate you calling them that” Breatice is truly a saint.

“Oh, but they love it. Right, Satan?”

“Fuck off.”

“Lilith, language!” But Camila sounds suspiciously like holding back a smile. They bicker the whole way to the van. Beatrice half carrying Ava, and Mary supporting Lilith, leaving Camila to load their weapons inside and start the vehicle.

Mary deposites Lilith in the passenger seat. while she herself takes the cargo section for herself stating that “I’m too old for this shit. Need to stretch my legs.” Leaving Ava and Beatrice in the back seat.

Ava is exhausted and she’s ready to let the darkness take her for a while. But Beatrice is caressing her face and speaking... Oh, right, she should listen.

“Ava? Are you listening?”

“Yeah”

“I know you’re tired, but I need to do quick check, all right?”

“Yeah”

“Good. Tell me what hurts.”

“Everything”

“Right. Tell me what hurts the most, then”

“Uh, my back? My head, too. My face... because I’m so cute.”

There’s a collection of groans from the front and the back, but Beatrice is smiling down at her, and that’s really all that matter.

“We’ll be back home in about two hours, so you can have some rest. But I want you to be properly tended to in the infermary when we arrive. Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am!” But the ma’am morphs into a yawn and it looses all the cool, filtry effect she was going for.

“Please, don’t ever do that again.” Beatrice whispers and suddenly the air is heavy inside the van.

“I’m sorry. I just... He had Lilith, right how he said he would. I...”

“You allowed him get inside your head.” Lilith interrupts. “Which was what he wanted. He knew that was his best shot at getting the Halo.”

“That’s why you talked to us about them and we worked on it, remember?” Oh, good. At least Camila is back at being sweet.

“So, we need to work on your panic attacks and traumas, kid. Get ready for that.” And Ava actually whines at Mary’s words, because that doesn’t sound like fun.

“Not right away, though. First we heal and rest.” God, she loves Beatrice.

“And kid?” She didn’t realize she closed her eyes, until Mary calls out to her. So she opens them and twist her neck a little to look at her pearing from the back. “We love you, too. You know that right? You’re our family, too.”

Aw man, she’s all emotional again. She just wanted to be a badass like the rest of them. She feels Beatrice nod, and turns to see Lilith doing the same from the front seat. Camila is smiling at her through the rearview mirror: “It’s true, Ava.” Camila has such a pretty smile. But Beatrice has the prettiest smile. Beatrice has the prettiest everything.

“Rest now.” Beatrice says as she bends to place a tender kiss to Ava’s forehead. But then whispers in her ear: “I think you have the prettiest everything, too.” And she has the sexiest smirk painted on her lips, so Ava can’t seem to be able to respond. Just a flicker of a thought right before exhaustion claims her:

Wait, did I say that out loud?

[tigertabbycat]

How I shipped Delitoonz

Delitoonz (H2O Delirious x CaRtOoNz)

I would rather die than say that it would only be weird, since they’re “brothers”.

But that’s a funny story actually; that I would say that. Because I did! Before, when I learned that Delirious and CaRtOoNz had a brotherly bond, I thought that it was cute and all, but that only fueled my opinion on Delitoonz being weird. After a while thought, I started growing to accept it, and as I was writing a story that also involved Septiplier, I came to a scene and started messing around with the words. My plan was to delete the scene after I wrote it, but I suddenly found way too cute and adorable to get rid of, and I ended up keeping it. From that day forth, I am a HUGE Delitoonz shipper and couldn’t love the ship more than I already do if I tried.

The scene is below:

The trees parted around him, forming a small clearing, and other than the mine entrance, there was nothing else. Wait, there was something else. Upon closer inspection, Cartoonz realized that it was a generator. He wanted to repair it, but Delirious was most important right now. Even so, Cartoonz found himself slowly moving towards the machine. There was nothing around it, and he was about to turn around to keep looking for Delirious when he noticed something.

 It was a flicker of movement, and Cartoonz stopped. He looked towards the generator harder, and then realized that what he was seeing was a leg. Getting excited, Cartoonz got closer and paused just beside the generator.

 Delirious was sitting against the generator with his legs brought up to his chest. His forehead was resting on his knees, and his right arm was over the back of his head. Cartoonz heard a sniffle and felt his heart breaking.

 “Del?” Cartoonz whispered softly.

 Delirious’ head shot upwards and for a moment, he looked terrified. But then he calmed down again when he saw who it was. “Oh. . . Cartoonz,” he sighed. “What do you want?” Delirious adjusted his position so that his legs were out a little, and lay his arm in his lap.

 “I was looking for you,” Cartoonz explained. “We all are. Do you have any idea how worried you’ve got us all?” he demanded.

 Delirious sniffed, but he didn’t answer. After a moment, he looked up at Cartoonz again. “What are you still doing here?” he asked, the question startling Cartoonz. “Shouldn’t you go look for the others?”

 “Yeah, I should,” Cartoonz sat on the ground next to Delirious. “But I’m not going to go anywhere unless you’re with me.”

 Delirious groaned.

 “Del,” Cartoonz started, and Delirious looked at him. “Why did you wander off in the first place?” he asked.

 Delirious stared at him for a couple of seconds. “I don’t know. . .” he said finally.

 “I get the feeling that you do know,” Cartoonz pressed.

 “Why is this so important to you?!” Delirious demanded.

 Cartoonz didn’t flinch by his sudden outburst, though. “Because you’re important to me,” he said.

 Delirious went quiet, then he said, “I. . .” he tried to think of the words. “Ever since I got hurt, I haven’t been able to do anything useful, and I really think that I’m just slowing everything and everyone down.”

 Cartoonz blinked, but he let Delirious continue. “It’s just that. . . when I woke up here on MacMillian Estate, I found a generator and wasn’t able to repair it because I’ve only got one arm.” Delirious coughed lightly before adding, “An arm that I’ll never use again. . .”

 “Hey, that’s not true,” Cartoonz assured.

 Delirious basically turned on him. “What do you mean it’s not true?! I can’t even feel anything from my shoulder down!” he exclaimed.

 “Well, when I was told about what happened to your shoulder at the hospital, they said that you’ll be able to use your arm again, just not fully without a lot of fucking therapy sessions.” Cartoonz explained.

 Delirious stared at him in slight shock. “Wait, you’re serious?” he asked, feeling hopeful. Cartoonz nodded, and Delirious sighed with relief. “Of course, that all really depends on if I’ll even get out of this alive.” he pointed out gloomily.

 “Well, for now you’ll just have to do what you can-” Cartoonz began.

 “Which is nothing,” Delirious interrupted. “I can’t use my arm, so I’m totally useless!” he choked. “It’s like I’m not even worth saving at this point. . .” Delirious started sobbing behind his mask.

 Cartoonz leaned closer to Delirious and lifted his mask up, revealing Jonathan’s face beneath. He let the mask rest on the top of Delirious’ head while he took his hand and brushed his fingers gently over Delirious’ face, wiping away the tears. He hated seeing him like this, but he managed to remain calm and not break dramatically over the huge amount of sadness in Delirious’ eyes.

 “Don’t ever say you’re not worth saving, Del,” Cartoonz said, putting his hands lightly on Delirious’ shoulders.

 Delirious looked at the ground. “But. . . what the hell am I supposed to do now, huh? I’m useless, Cartoonz.” Delirious sobbed again.

 “There are still plenty of other things you can help with, Delirious,” Cartoonz said softly, wiping away some more of Delirious’ tears. “You just have to figure them out, is all.”

 “Who am I kidding?” Delirious said suddenly. “I can’t even fix a single stupid generator!” he pounded his fist on the machine behind him angrily.

 “All you need is a little help, Del. Not everything is always possible alone, y’know.” Cartoonz took Delirious’ mask and used his jacket to dry the moist inside. “Tell me, what you have done with just the one arm?”

 Delirious sniffed before saying, “That first generator I came across, I did what repairs I could,” he turned his head to look at Luke.

 “There you go, now you’re thinking positive!” Luke said happily.

 “Measly repairs,” Delirious grumbled.

 Cartoonz took advantage of the extra comment, though, by saying. “Well, those measly repairs have us all one step closer to escaping.”

 Delirious was quiet for a moment, and then to Cartoonz’s surprise, he laughed. “You’re just not going to give up are you?” he chuckled.

 Cartoonz glanced to the side and then back at Delirious. “Give up on what?” he asked.

 “On cheering me up,” Delirious huffed. “You’re just going to take everything I say and turn it into something positive until I fucking feel better about myself, aren’t you?”

 “Pretty much, yeah,” Cartoonz said.

 Now Delirious was really laughing, and Cartoonz couldn’t help but smile. “That’s just typical of you, Luke!” Delirious giggled.

 “Yeah, yeah, I know,” Cartoonz rolled his eye. “Will you help me with this, Del?” he asked Delirious suddenly, gesturing at the generator behind them.

 Delirious looked at the broken machine and then at Cartoonz. “Why should I?” he asked.

 “I can’t do it on my own, that’s why,” Cartoonz teased.

 “You can’t or you won’t?” Delirious questioned.

 “Both,” Cartoonz stated.

 Delirious chuckled again, but before he could get to his feet, Cartoonz had suddenly grabbed his face in his hands. He held him there for a moment or two, looking into his eyes.

 “C-Cartoonz?” Delirious stammered, confused.

 “Do you know how much you mean to me, Del?” Cartoonz asked.

 “Uh,” Delirious thought for a second. “A lot?” he guessed stupidly.

 Then, Delirious’ eyes widened with shock and his body stiffened when Cartoonz leaned forward a little more and their lips touched. Eventually, his eyes rolled upwards, his lids closing and his body relaxing as he fell into the kiss. Cartoonz was ever so gentle with him, and Delirious actually felt a little disappointed when they parted at last.

 “You mean that much to me, Del,” Cartoonz said. “I love you, and nothing will change that.”

 Delirious gazed at Cartoonz’s face, feeling a new wave of emotion washing over him. He’d never felt it in this way before, but he knew that it was love. He’d always loved Luke, but never in this way. But now that seems to have changed.

 “Why didn’t I ever see it before?” Delirious mumbled.

 “Huh?” Cartoonz was puzzled.

 “I really can’t believe that I never saw it in you before now,” Delirious said.

 “What are you talking about, Del?” Cartoonz asked, getting only more confused.

 “I really wish that I had seen that what I needed was you, man,” Delirious stated.

 Now Cartoonz understood what Delirious was saying. This time it was Delirious who kissed him, and Cartoonz practically had to pull them apart just to breathe.

 “We should really fix the generator,” he said.

 He laughed when Delirious’ face turned bright red, which only made it go redder.

....

If you want to read the story, you can find it with the links below

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12254424/1/A-Living-Nightmare https://www.wattpad.com/story/80970946-a-living-nightmare https://www.quotev.com/story/8360897/A-Living-Nightmare https://archiveofourown.org/series/596482

[illtalktoyoureyes-blog]

PODCAST BROS. AU

I. Bros being bros and podcasting about nerd shit.

II. The podcast has approximately four listeners, the most dedicated among them being Mike's mom. (Mike has repeatedly told his mother not to listen because it "makes him nervous.") This number fluctuates depending on the time of day, the weather, and the amount of disparaging remarks  Dustin makes about the DC cinematic universe.

III. There is much discussion of comic books, superheroes, table top games, film adaptations, sci-fi and fantasy authors, ethics in journalism, cosplay, the Nintendo switch, what the hell is taking George R. R. Martin so long does he understand his readership will probably be dead before he publishes another book? and other topics salient to college-age nerds under the impression their dedication to their hobbies could someday pay their bills.

IV. Following in the illustrious footsteps of Matt Bessar, they live-stream their Saturday night D&D games. (Dustin: Hey guys, just wanted to give you a quick update. Mike's basement is still disgusting.") The results range from palatable mediocrity to hitherto unseen levels of chaos. The comments page would be a mess...you know, if people left comments.

V. Their first guest is an amazing, unbelievable get. El Ives has written four volumes of the Wizards of Gale series- a staggering, gorgeous epic chronicling the coming of age of a young psychically gifted warrior traversing a galactic wasteland in search of her true purpose-in the last three years. She's gone on national tours, topped sci-fi best-seller lists, and was proposed to roughly thirty-seven times at New York comic-con. Naturally, the dudes freak out, but Mike's is the most memorable melt down. He talks to himself in the mirror in a pre-interview hype session, he drops his note cards, stares for inappropriate lengths of time, and generally makes everyone ridiculously uncomfortable.

VI. After the stress of her tour, the casual atmosphere of the podcast (with the exception of the host who makes tense, terrifying eye contact with her before avoiding her gaze for the rest of the day) is a novelty El is reluctant to relinquish. This explains hanging around Hawkins ("You're welcome to stay at our place." Dustin volunteers before Mike can open his large, endlessly stupid mouth.) despite having deadlines, and interviews and a whole life in Manhattan. They take her to all their lame hang-outs and Mike dies several deaths due to sheer embarrassment (Humiliate Wheeler To Death Tour 2017!)

VII. This is the thing. The thing is this: despite the fact that they've been doing this for like, four months, and no one is even really listening Mike is still absurdly nervous on air? Lucas and Dustin are naturals and Will chimes in when he really wants to make a point (he's often drowned out by the intensity of Dustin\Lucas debates but whenever he manages to incline his chin toward the mic and deliver his statements in the softest, least antagonistic voice ever created, his points are salient and logical and even occasionally border on poignant) but it take s Mike at least fifteen minutes to get comfortable uttering opinions he has no trouble voicing off air. It's disconcerting and weird, and he's envious of the casual way his friends interact on air. They're natural, as if there aren't any disparities between their on air personalities and their real life ones. They're completely comfortable, Mike has to calm down, close his eyes, remember his pre-air inspirational speech, really center himself before he can engage in way that's even close to natural. (Even then, his voice is a touch too high, his sentences come out blunt and semi-intelligible, and his jokes feel more like passive aggressive indictments of other people's moral characters than "ha ha" funnies. These delightful and attractive flaws are only exacerbated by the prolonged presence of one of his literary heroes who, in addition to being funny, clever, sincere, brutally honest, and genuinely down for anything re: appearing on a D&D role-playing channel with four losers, has the audacity to love Ray Bradbury and Farscape as much as he does. It's the fucking rudest.)

VIII. To make matters worse, she loves his friends. Lucas is the most charming mother fucker alive (dude has a certificate!) and Mike hates him for the ease with which he makes El laugh so hard she cries. He then hates himself for hating Lucas, up until the asshole does it again and El looks happier than a ten year old who was just informed she gets to live at Disney Land. Witnessing the vast depths of El's joy is probably the purest experience Mike ever has. Said joy is a product of Lucas recounting any number of stories starring himself as the witty, amazing, bad ass of their high school tenure. So, dilemma. She and Will exchange book recommendations, karaoke Fridays at Lester's is forever altered the moment she and Dustin duet on a gentle, soul-melting rendition of Head Over Heels (they're terrible singers, but the power man, the subtle emotive, power) and Lucas, Lucas is everywhere, buying her drinks, and talking about how there are certain paragraphs in book three he wants to live in, and complimenting her buzz cut, and constantly and at all times making her laugh so long, and hard and with her entire body and it's so fucking unfair Mike can't actually-

IX. In local news, Lucas and Dustin are living in a shoebox across the river from Mike's house. Will is over so often he is repeatedly mistaken for a piece of furniture. He has his own shelf in the fridge (the middle), his own snacks in the cabinet (fig newtons are more than fruit and cake) and coconut shampoo he's neglected to take home and which is become the official property of the estate. Dustin likes to think of his abode as a sovereign nation, wants desperately to draw up a constitution and design a flag. Lucas likes to think of his casa as a Dustin-free zone, and is disappointed upon opening his door and finding reality has very much crushed his hopes and dreams. There is very little sleep, the occupants are lucky to claim several consecutive hours of unconsciousness. Instead, there are twitch marathons, Netflix binges, LOTR re-watches, and intense, lengthy debates over the merits of Zack Snyder being shot into space verses the efficiency of simply setting him ablaze.

X. Will is fond of lying on the couch, or on the window seat or on the floor next to Lucas' mattress and telling him all the ideas that his ridiculous brain ushers forth when he can't sleep. Lucas gently reminds him of the graphic novel he's kind of, sort of, a little bit working on-the thing he starts last year and politely but stubbornly refuses to show him any more pages once Lucas becomes a living, breathing reminder that Will could maybe think about possibly publishing it because It's Good. To be fair, saying the words aloud, letting them take shape in the air is almost like working on it. It's very, very close.

XI. Eventually, Mike realizes that contrary to initial reports, he's actually jealous of two people. Yes Lucas making El laugh is fairly fucking infuriating, but so is the knowledge that Lucas is trying so hard to make someone laugh, and that that someone (for reasons he is painfully, intimately familiar with) is NOT him. Pre-graduation, post-two a.m.  silent, sexuality-specific  realization that takes place in an Arby's parking lot, Mike and Lucas are the most accurate visual representation for best friendship that has ever, or will ever live. Their bond is unshakable, the stuff of Census Bearu legend, the canniest, most argumentative, absurdly affectionate, gleefully contrary pairing so robust and unrelenting it caused even the most patient members of their tight-knit Indiana State study circle to routinely throw up their hands and avert their eyes, yelling, "That's enough! Put it away!" One sunny, late-fall afternoon, they're picking up the thread of an ongoing Alien vs. Aliens debate (Lucas: I'm so glad your mom's not here to listen to her son humiliate himself like this. It would break her heart.") which has ascended to the intensity level that warrants standing very close and screaming as though they are not standing very close, when quite suddenly, they are no longer arguing. The discovery of another item in a long list of things they are hopelessly good at when they combine their talents, takes up the entire afternoon and most of the evening. The surprised, but strong, and ultimately righteous sense of joy\awe is conflated by the subdued, giddy knowledge that what has been in the past for Mike a rare and somewhat lackluster experience, and for Lucas, a little less rare but equally mediocre 'event' currently feels like the wide expanse of potentiality specific to scientific exploration. So there's that.

XII. It doesn't last too long, when he allows himself to think about it Mike abjectly refuses to liken the duration of the event to anything stupid, like a metaphor about supernovas. That would be dumb. And crass. And in poor taste. Plus, he hardly ever thinks about it ever, so there's that. Anyway, Mike dropping out of Indiana state and returning to the cocoon of his mother's basement is a completely unrelated event that never ever needs to be recounted, not even for posterity, except to say that it's unrelated to anything going on in his life at the moment. And it's okay, because he and Lucas are still ridiculously close friends and it's never even awkward except for the few occasions wherein Mike succumbs to jealously, before becoming confused about exactly whom he's jealous off. After he figures it out, he's moody and distant and the podcast gets Weird in only the way Mike can make it. El is confused, 'cause once the dude stops staring and actually says a few words to her, he's kind of cool in this completely doofy way. Lucas eventually plops on the end of Mike's bed, allows Mike to put his dirty, uncivilized sneakers all over his fairly expensive pants and makes a fumbling preamble that might as well be called Intro to Awk Con. It goes okay. Mike's just tired and Lucas co-signs with  a sigh, and a story about his sister, and they talk around it because it's still-they-can't-There's grumbling about the complete absence of something that could even be mistaken for a fan base, and Dustin's rants, and a general consensus on the awesomeness of El and they both feel better after that.

XIII. Lucas might have a supremely underdeveloped thing for Will? It's like, super embryonic, not even worth thinking about much less trying to explain out loud to Will's face while he stands there looking cute and curious and hesitant about the stupid notebook he's been doodling in for like a year, even though what little bits Lucas has seen of the novel that Will's mortified about having written  is so good he'd buy it tomorrow if Will would only deign to finish the damn thing. Yeah. So El hangs around Hawkins, after slaving away in his emotional garden wearing a wide-brim hat and too much sunscreen, Mike manages to grow the courage necessary to ask her to dine at his mom's house (yes, his mom has had El over for dinner roughly a thousand times, and yes her laugsana  with the signature sauce has become one of El's favorite dishes, but owing to the fact that Mike has spent ninety-five percent of those roughly thousands of evenings in his room melting down and wishing he was a person who could handle this shit, they don't actually count.), Will finishes his summer drawing course at the learning annex, because his phone storage is unable to contend with the sheer volume of photos he takes of and with El in the last couple of weeks\months (?) Dustin gets Instagram and instantly gains a thousand followers, and Lucas comes to the conclusion that's actually amazing at this podcast thing? Like honestly, he's very talented. And he's never taken one communication course!

XIV. El heads back to New York, promising to visit when she can. Mike admirably hides his heartbreak, and gallantly takes his frustration out on a pacman machine during their afternoon at the arcade. (Mike Wheeler: Frustrated Bisexual) A couple months later, they all receive signed copies of the next Wizards of Gale book with special messages scribbled on the inside covers. A couple of weeks before that, they post their El interview, and the site it takes Dustin two, painful, sleepless weeks to build experiences a significant amount of traffic for the first time in its uneventful little life. Everyone freaks out and facetimes El who's mid interview on the Teresa Watkins show, and that's how they attain their first television interview. (El: I'm sorry, this is so unprofessional. Do you mind?)

XV. Bros being bros, podcasting about nerd shit. (Dustin: How were you received by the dudebro cheeto dust contingent? I assume they're treating you well? They're super classy individuals.)

XVI. Oh, and Hopper is El's manager\literary agent? Okay? Okay.

[blackbatpurplecat]

My Thoughts on Batman #14

By popular demand (which surprised me and now I feel honored <3 ), here’s a little review on the latest issue of the current Batman run, #14: Rooftops Part 1.

What’s the story?

After the arc I Am Suicide, we are finally back in Gotham and follow BatCat through the city. Both are the main characters and apart from three speech bubbles of Clock King, even the only characters that speak and act in a fairly simple narrative.

The mood’s pretty melancholic; Batman reveals that Catwoman’s death penalty has been revoked by the President, thanks to Amanda Waller. Even though we’ve never seen or heard of any evidence against Selina. All we have is her claiming to have killed almost 300 men and that’s apparently enough for a death sentence... Yeah. Sure. Ugh. Now Catwoman needs to go to Blackgate, I assume for theft, and Batman has to take her in that same night. You can feel the tearful goodbye hanging above them and their mutual feelings for each other don’t make it any easier. It’s simply what we’ve seen over and over: Batman is struggling with two sides. He knows what’s right (arrest the criminal) and he knows what he wants to do (let the woman he loves go free), and those two things cancel each other out. We know he will always pick the side of the law but that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt less.

Catwoman, also saddened by the turn of events, pretty much accepts her faith though. She knows what’s coming for her and tries to lighten the mood a little bit by making suggestive comments and initiating a lovely make out session beneath the stars. She states that she wants one more night, living and enjoying her freedom. 

They again bring up the mass murder committed by her. Bruce doesn’t believe that Selina killed almost 300 people and wants to prove her innocence, yet he doesn’t know how. Selina repeats that she did kill those guys and promises to give him the truth if he takes her to Blackgate in the morning instead of right then and there. While Bruce states he knows she’ll try to flee, Selina replies she knows he will come after her.

So since they’ve come to some kind of an understanding, Selina very obviously suggests making the monster with two backs to say goodbye. Well OF COURSE! A farewell fuck! Since we still have no idea why or for how long Selina has known Bruce’s identity, we don’t know if it’d be their first (and last) time or if they’ve done it before. If they’ve been having an on-off-relationship like over the last decades or only fucked like in The New52. We can take into account that we’ve seen Bruce talk fondly and intimately to her so it’s not only fucking. But since I don’t care for anything outside of this issue, I’ll go with my own assumption and say “first time.” Bitter-sweet would be an understatement.

But, alas, the Bat signal pops up in the sky and dutiful Batman reacts just like we’d ALL expect him to react - work now, have fun later! But this time, he invites Catwoman to come along.

We jump to a clocktower where Batman faces Clock King who rambles on like a Bond villain and gets knocked out by Catwoman who swings in from behind. Is their work done, can they finally bang? The Bat signal in the sky says NOPE! So they go from villain to villain, Batman kicks the shit out of a various number of Rogues, Catwoman stays in the background and asks if that’s how he spends all of his nights.

Eventually, Catwoman grows tired and frustrated with him constantly postponing their boning and finally wants to do what she wants to do - breaking & entering! And Batsy comes along. Reluctantly.

They break into an apartment where Bruce sees a stolen cat figurine floating in the middle of the room. “It’s hanging by a thread, too thin to see” - God knows why. Selina simply grabs the cat and tells Bruce to run. They jump out of the window before the apartment explodes. Oh, and the apartment also belongs to Selina who had rented it under the name Holly Robinson. Ehm... okay...? Dunno what to do with that info. But another, more important thing: was that her alarm system in case another thief broke in and stole the cat? She would just... blow them up???!!! The thread is too thin, not even she can work around it so in order to take the cat, you HAVE to pull it down and trigger the explosion. This trap was set up with the intension to kill! What the fuck, Selina?!

BatCat watch the burning building from a rooftop far away and we learn that Selina owns the floors above and below the apartment and the sprinklers are awesome and everyone there is safe - again WHAT THE FUCK??? NO! This is fucking dumb! And Selina’s apparently so damn rich that she can rent 3 whole floors high in a skyscraper in the middle of the city?! WHAT?! And after revealing that load of info, she shows us that there are diamonds inside the cat figurine, kind of like a piggy bank for bad times.

She wants Bruce to have the diamonds and tells him to build dozens of orphanages after she’s gone. Sure. Because BRUCE FUCKING WAYNE needs financial support... Okay, let’s say the diamonds are a donation. Okay, I can buy that.

And to conclude this issue, Selina throws the tiny diamonds on the ground, takes her mask off, they start making out and FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY HAVE  S E X!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, what did I think of all this?

I really liked the art. Sure, it’s not the best art I’ve ever seen but it looks good and it’s definitely better than what Guillem March did in the Catwoman run. BatCat look like real people, no extreme poses or overdone, dramatic movements. There are some not so pretty angles here and there and on the first page, Batman’s face looks like covered in dirt but in general, the art is quite decent! Especially in the last panels where it matters the most!

The first two and the last two pages are wonderful. Buy the issue for those four pages, they are SO worth it! Everything inbetween is filler. The BatCat teamwork is way too short and while Batsy roughing up some C-List Rogues looked funny, it wasn’t engaging or anything. If it was meant to prove a point, I didn’t need it. I know that his duty will always come first. But I can try and interpret something into it if you want me to: Bruce kept pushing the expected sex back more and more, the Bat signal was the ultimate cockblock in this issue. But at the very end, the Bat signal shines above them while they’re going at it cowgirl style and Bruce does not shove her away to grab cowl and cape. Maybe it’s supposed to show us that for once, something or someone was more important than the Mission. And it would be incredibly rude to leave in mid-coitus.

The BatCat sex scene is like a kiss to my soul. I’ve been wanting some decent love scenes of my ship for so SO SOOO LOOONG!!! Lois and Clark got so many good ones, there are some of Bruce and the Demon Spawn, hell, there’s even a (granted, awful) sex scene between Batman and Black Canary! Why has it taken decades for DC to release a decent BatCat sex scene??? It’s what we freaking deserve!!! And I want every single BatCat shipper to see it!!! We’ve been denied something magical for too long, not only Batsy and Kitten were frustrated with this lack of sexy times.

And it’s even not creepy or rapey or anything, no! It’s very tastefully drawn, it’s sensual and lovely and just beautiful! They even drew Bruce’s scars all over his body, nice attention to detail. BUT fucking on hundreds of tiny diamonds CAN’T BE COMFORTABLE!!! Imagine rolling around naked on Legos! Not so sexy, heh??? What if you get one up the crack? They are sharp and can cut your ass skin open!

Now, apart from the nonsense I’ve already mentioned, like the booby trap, Selina’s financial situations, the weird laws Gotham operates in, and the mass murder bullcrap, there is one thing that I absolutely detest in this issue: the dialogues! Holy fucking shit! Has King ever in his life talked to another human being? Or heard people have conversations?! The dialogues are awful! This is Nocenti level of awfulness in my opinion. Imagine if Frank “I’m an insane sexist racist asshole” Miller and Nocenti had a hate child and that hate child was writing dialogues. THAT is what King produces in this issue! He even recycles big chunks of those terrible lines! And don’t get me started on the fact that BatCat STILL call each other “Bat” and “Cat”. Ugh, that’s so fucking dumb. My God, honestly, try to skip the dialogues, guys. It’s what I had mentioned before; King tries to sound so deep and clever while he delivers a pile of bullshit.

Will I go back to this issue in the future? HELL YEAH!!! I would print the sex panels out and frame them and put them on my walls!!! The art thankfully saved the issue from becoming another generic DC fart. They could have easily screwed up the emotional scenes between BatCat but artist Mitch Gerads did a great job with the facial expressions, the close-ups, and the angles. You (thankfully) don’t need the bad lines to understand what’s happening between our leads. Just look at their faces and you’ll feel what they feel.

And I am SO thankful that we FUCKING FINALLY got a beautiful BatCat love scene! I hope there are many more to come in the future!

Part 2 got the teaser “The final farewell?” - I hope we will finally find out what the deal is with that stupid as fuck mass murder plot. It annoys the hell out of me that King keeps going back and forth “yes, she did it”, “no, she didn’t”, “but she clearly states she did it”, “but he doesn’t believe it”, “but she says it” etc etc. It doesn’t make the plot more exciting or interesting but frustrating and boring. Just like the “will-they-won’t-they” DC have been doing with BatCat for decades now.

The way they’re handling it at the moment, the next issue will probably reveal the biggest twist *gasp* that she did not kill almost 300 people! She only claimed it and willingly went to Arkham and wanted to be sentenced and put to death because................. ?????????????? And then she will flee and lay low. And we will be without our beloved Kitten again. And that was important to the plot HOW?!?!?! Who needed it??? Ugh, King really isn’t the best writer.

Tl;dr Batman #14 is THE issue for BatCat shippers!!! Just marvel at the panels and don’t read the dialogues.

[fenton-bus]

PODCAST BROS. AU

I. Bros being bros and podcasting about nerd stuff.

II. The podcast has approximately four listeners, the most dedicated among them being Mike's mom. (Mike has repeatedly told his mother not to listen because it "makes him nervous.") This number fluctuates depending on the time of day, the weather, and the amount of disparaging remarks  Dustin makes about the DC cinematic universe.

III. There is much discussion of comic books, superheroes, table top games, film adaptations, sci-fi and fantasy authors, ethics in journalism, cosplay, the Nintendo switch, what the hell is taking George R. R. Martin so long does he understand his readership will probably be dead before he publishes another book? and other topics salient to college-age nerds under the impression their dedication to their hobbies could someday pay their bills.

IV. Following in the illustrious footsteps of Matt Bessar, they live-stream their Saturday night D&D games. (Dustin: Hey guys, just wanted to give you a quick update. Mike's basement is still disgusting.") The results range from palatable mediocrity to hitherto unseen levels of chaos. The comments page would be a mess...you know, if people left comments.

V. Their first guest is an amazing, unbelievable get. El Ives has written four volumes of the Wizards of Gale series- a staggering, gorgeous epic chronicling the coming of age of a young psychically gifted warrior traversing a galactic wasteland in search of her true purpose-in the last three years. She's gone on national tours, topped sci-fi best-seller lists, and was proposed to roughly thirty-seven times at New York comic-con. Naturally, the dudes freak out, but Mike's is the most memorable melt down. He talks to himself in the mirror in a pre-interview hype session, he drops his note cards, stares for inappropriate lengths of time, and generally makes everyone ridiculously uncomfortable.

VI. After the stress of her tour, the casual atmosphere of the podcast (with the exception of the host who makes tense, terrifying eye contact with her before avoiding her gaze for the rest of the day) is a novelty El is reluctant to relinquish. This explains hanging around Hawkins ("You're welcome to stay at our place." Dustin volunteers before Mike can open his large, endlessly stupid mouth.) despite having deadlines, and interviews and a whole life in Manhattan. They take her to all their lame hang-outs and Mike dies several deaths due to sheer embarrassment (Humiliate Wheeler To Death Tour 2017!)

VII. This is the thing. The thing is this: despite the fact that they've been doing this for like, four months, and no one is even really listening Mike is still absurdly nervous on air? Lucas and Dustin are naturals and Will chimes in when he really wants to make a point (he's often drowned out by the intensity of Dustin\Lucas debates but whenever he manages to incline his chin toward the mic and deliver his statements in the softest, least antagonistic voice ever created, his points are salient and logical and even occasionally border on poignant) but it take s Mike at least fifteen minutes to get comfortable uttering opinions he has no trouble voicing off air. It's disconcerting and weird, and he's envious of the casual way his friends interact on air. They're natural, as if there aren't any disparities between their on air personalities and their real life ones. They're completely comfortable, Mike has to calm down, close his eyes, remember his pre-air inspirational speech, really center himself before he can engage in way that's even close to natural. (Even then, his voice is a touch too high, his sentences come out blunt and semi-intelligible, and his jokes feel more like passive aggressive indictments of other people's moral characters than "ha ha" funnies. These delightful and attractive flaws are only exacerbated by the prolonged presence of one of his literary heroes who, in addition to being funny, clever, sincere, brutally honest, and genuinely down for anything re: appearing on a D&D role-playing channel with four losers, has the audacity to love Ray Bradbury and Farscape as much as he does. It's the fucking rudest.)

VIII. To make matters worse, she loves his friends. Lucas is the most charming mother fucker alive (dude has a certificate!) and Mike hates him for the ease with which he makes El laugh so hard she cries. He then hates himself for hating Lucas, up until the asshole does it again and El looks happier than a ten year old who was just informed she gets to live at Disney Land. Witnessing the vast depths of El's joy is probably the purest experience Mike ever has. Said joy is a product of Lucas recounting any number of stories starring himself as the witty, amazing, bad ass of their high school tenure. So, dilemma. She and Will exchange book recommendations, karaoke Fridays at Lester's is forever altered the moment she and Dustin duet on a gentle, soul-melting rendition of Head Over Heels (they're terrible singers, but the power man, the subtle emotive, power) and Lucas, Lucas is everywhere, buying her drinks, and talking about how there are certain paragraphs in book three he wants to live in, and complimenting her buzz cut, and constantly and at all times making her laugh so long, and hard and with her entire body and it's so fucking unfair Mike can't actually-

IX. In local news, Lucas and Dustin are living in a shoebox across the river from Mike's house. Will is over so often he is repeatedly mistaken for a piece of furniture. He has his own shelf in the fridge (the middle), his own snacks in the cabinet (fig newtons are more than fruit and cake) and coconut shampoo he's neglected to take home and which is become the official property of the estate. Dustin likes to think of his abode as a sovereign nation, wants desperately to draw up a constitution and design a flag. Lucas likes to think of his casa as a Dustin-free zone, and is disappointed upon opening his door and finding reality has very much crushed his hopes and dreams. There is very little sleep, the occupants are lucky to claim several consecutive hours of unconsciousness. Instead, there are twitch marathons, Netflix binges, LOTR re-watches, and intense, lengthy debates over the merits of Zack Snyder being shot into space verses the efficiency of simply setting him ablaze.

X. Will is fond of lying on the couch, or on the window seat or on the floor next to Lucas' mattress and telling him all the ideas that his ridiculous brain ushers forth when he can't sleep. Lucas gently reminds him of the graphic novel he's kind of, sort of, a little bit working on-the thing he starts last year and politely but stubbornly refuses to show him any more pages once Lucas becomes a living, breathing reminder that Will could maybe think about possibly publishing it because It's Good. To be fair, saying the words aloud, letting them take shape in the air is almost like working on it. It's very, very close.

XI. Eventually, Mike realizes that contrary to initial reports, he's actually jealous of two people. Yes Lucas making El laugh is fairly fucking infuriating, but so is the knowledge that Lucas is trying so hard to make someone laugh, and that that someone (for reasons he is painfully, intimately familiar with) is NOT him. Pre-graduation, post-two a.m.  silent, sexuality-specific  realization that takes place in an Arby's parking lot, Mike and Lucas are the most accurate visual representation for best friendship that has ever, or will ever live. Their bond is unshakable, the stuff of Census Bearu legend, the canniest, most argumentative, absurdly affectionate, gleefully contrary pairing so robust and unrelenting it caused even the most patient members of their tight-knit Indiana State study circle to routinely throw up their hands and avert their eyes, yelling, "That's enough! Put it away!" One sunny, late-fall afternoon, they're picking up the thread of an ongoing Alien vs. Aliens debate (Lucas: I'm so glad your mom's not here to listen to her son humiliate himself like this. It would break her heart.") which has ascended to the intensity level that warrants standing very close and screaming as though they are not standing very close, when quite suddenly, they are no longer arguing. The discovery of another item in a long list of things they are hopelessly good at when they combine their talents, takes up the entire afternoon and most of the evening. The surprised, but strong, and ultimately righteous sense of joy\awe is conflated by the subdued, giddy knowledge that what has been in the past for Mike a rare and somewhat lackluster experience, and for Lucas, a little less rare but equally mediocre 'event' currently feels like the wide expanse of potentiality specific to scientific exploration. So there's that.

XII. It doesn't last too long, when he allows himself to think about it Mike abjectly refuses to liken the duration of the event to anything stupid, like a metaphor about supernovas. That would be dumb. And crass. And in poor taste. Plus, he hardly ever thinks about it ever, so there's that. Anyway, Mike dropping out of Indiana state and returning to the cocoon of his mother's basement is a completely unrelated event that never ever needs to be recounted, not even for posterity, except to say that it's unrelated to anything going on in his life at the moment. And it's okay, because he and Lucas are still ridiculously close friends and it's never even awkward except for the few occasions wherein Mike succumbs to jealously, before becoming confused about exactly whom he's jealous off. After he figures it out, he's moody and distant and the podcast gets Weird in only the way Mike can make it. El is confused, 'cause once the dude stops staring and actually says a few words to her, he's kind of cool in this completely doofy way. Lucas eventually plops on the end of Mike's bed, allows Mike to put his dirty, uncivilized sneakers all over his fairly expensive pants and makes a fumbling preamble that might as well be called Intro to Awk Con. It goes okay. Mike's just tired and Lucas co-signs with  a sigh, and a story about his sister, and they talk around it because it's still-they-can't-There's grumbling about the complete absence of something that could even be mistaken for a fan base, and Dustin's rants, and a general consensus on the awesomeness of El and they both feel better after that.

XIII. Lucas might have a supremely underdeveloped thing for Will? It's like, super embryonic, not even worth thinking about much less trying to explain out loud to Will's face while he stands there looking cute and curious and hesitant about the stupid notebook he's been doodling in for like a year, even though what little bits Lucas has seen of the novel that Will's mortified about having written  is so good he'd buy it tomorrow if Will would only deign to finish the damn thing. Yeah. So El hangs around Hawkins, after slaving away in his emotional garden wearing a wide-brim hat and too much sunscreen, Mike manages to grow the courage necessary to ask her to dine at his mom's house (yes, his mom has had El over for dinner roughly a thousand times, and yes her laugsana with the signature sauce has become one of El's favorite dishes, but owing to the fact that Mike has spent ninety-five percent of those roughly thousands of evenings in his room melting down and wishing he was a person who could handle this shit, they don't actually count.), Will finishes his summer drawing course at the learning annex, because his phone storage is unable to contend with the sheer volume of photos he takes of and with El in the last couple of weeks\months (?) Dustin gets Instagram and instantly gains a thousand followers, and Lucas comes to the conclusion that's actually amazing at this podcast thing? Like honestly, he's very talented. And he's never taken one communication course!

XIV. El heads back to New York, promising to visit when she can. Mike admirably hides his heartbreak, and gallantly takes his frustration out on a pacman machine during their afternoon at the arcade. (Mike Wheeler: Frustrated Bisexual) A couple months later, they all receive signed copies of the next Wizards of Gale book with special messages scribbled on the inside covers. A couple of weeks before that, they post their El interview, and the site it takes Dustin two, painful, sleepless weeks to build experiences a significant amount of traffic for the first time in its uneventful little life. Everyone freaks out and facetimes El who's mid interview on the Teresa Watkins show, and that's how they attain their first television interview. (El: I'm sorry, this is so unprofessional. Do you mind?)

XV. Bros being bros, podcasting about nerd stuff. (Dustin: How were you received by the dudebro cheeto dust contingent? I assume they're treating you well? They're super classy individuals.)

XVI. Oh, and Hopper is El's manager\literary agent? Okay? Okay.

[magnaturbaestinurbe-blog]

PODCAST BROS. AU

I. Bros being bros and podcasting about nerd stuff.

II. The podcast has approximately four listeners, the most dedicated among them being Mike's mom. (Mike has repeatedly told his mother not to listen because it "makes him nervous.") This number fluctuates depending on the time of day, the weather, and the amount of disparaging remarks  Dustin makes about the DC cinematic universe.

III. There is much discussion of comic books, superheroes, table top games, film adaptations, sci-fi and fantasy authors, ethics in journalism, cosplay, the Nintendo switch, what the hell is taking George R. R. Martin so long does he understand his readership will probably be dead before he publishes another book? and other topics salient to college-age nerds under the impression their dedication to their hobbies could someday pay their bills.

IV. Following in the illustrious footsteps of Matt Bessar, they live-stream their Saturday night D&D games. (Dustin: Hey guys, just wanted to give you a quick update. Mike's basement is still disgusting.") The results range from palatable mediocrity to hitherto unseen levels of chaos. The comments page would be a mess...you know, if people left comments.

V. Their first guest is an amazing, unbelievable get. El Ives has written four volumes of the Wizards of Gale series- a staggering, gorgeous epic chronicling the coming of age of a young psychically gifted warrior traversing a galactic wasteland in search of her true purpose-in the last three years. She's gone on national tours, topped sci-fi best-seller lists, and was proposed to roughly thirty-seven times at New York comic-con. Naturally, the dudes freak out, but Mike's is the most memorable melt down. He talks to himself in the mirror in a pre-interview hype session, he drops his note cards, stares for inappropriate lengths of time, and generally makes everyone ridiculously uncomfortable.

VI. After the stress of her tour, the casual atmosphere of the podcast (with the exception of the host who makes tense, terrifying eye contact with her before avoiding her gaze for the rest of the day) is a novelty El is reluctant to relinquish. This explains hanging around Hawkins ("You're welcome to stay at our place." Dustin volunteers before Mike can open his large, endlessly stupid mouth.) despite having deadlines, and interviews and a whole life in Manhattan. They take her to all their lame hang-outs and Mike dies several deaths due to sheer embarrassment (Humiliate Wheeler To Death Tour 2017!)

VII. This is the thing. The thing is this: despite the fact that they've been doing this for like, four months, and no one is even really listening Mike is still absurdly nervous on air? Lucas and Dustin are naturals and Will chimes in when he really wants to make a point (he's often drowned out by the intensity of Dustin\Lucas debates but whenever he manages to incline his chin toward the mic and deliver his statements in the softest, least antagonistic voice ever created, his points are salient and logical and even occasionally border on poignant) but it take s Mike at least fifteen minutes to get comfortable uttering opinions he has no trouble voicing off air. It's disconcerting and weird, and he's envious of the casual way his friends interact on air. They're natural, as if there aren't any disparities between their on air personalities and their real life ones. They're completely comfortable, Mike has to calm down, close his eyes, remember his pre-air inspirational speech, really center himself before he can engage in way that's even close to natural. (Even then, his voice is a touch too high, his sentences come out blunt and semi-intelligible, and his jokes feel more like passive aggressive indictments of other people's moral characters than "ha ha" funnies. These delightful and attractive flaws are only exacerbated by the prolonged presence of one of his literary heroes who, in addition to being funny, clever, sincere, brutally honest, and genuinely down for anything re: appearing on a D&D role-playing channel with four losers, has the audacity to love Ray Bradbury and Farscape as much as he does. It's the fucking rudest.)

VIII. To make matters worse, she loves his friends. Lucas is the most charming mother fucker alive (dude has a certificate!) and Mike hates him for the ease with which he makes El laugh so hard she cries. He then hates himself for hating Lucas, up until the asshole does it again and El looks happier than a ten year old who was just informed she gets to live at Disney Land. Witnessing the vast depths of El's joy is probably the purest experience Mike ever has. Said joy is a product of Lucas recounting any number of stories starring himself as the witty, amazing, bad ass of their high school tenure. So, dilemma. She and Will exchange book recommendations, karaoke Fridays at Lester's is forever altered the moment she and Dustin duet on a gentle, soul-melting rendition of Head Over Heels (they're terrible singers, but the power man, the subtle emotive, power) and Lucas, Lucas is everywhere, buying her drinks, and talking about how there are certain paragraphs in book three he wants to live in, and complimenting her buzz cut, and constantly and at all times making her laugh so long, and hard and with her entire body and it's so fucking unfair Mike can't actually-

IX. In local news, Lucas and Dustin are living in a shoebox across the river from Mike's house. Will is over so often he is repeatedly mistaken for a piece of furniture. He has his own shelf in the fridge (the middle), his own snacks in the cabinet (fig newtons are more than fruit and cake) and coconut shampoo he's neglected to take home and which is become the official property of the estate. Dustin likes to think of his abode as a sovereign nation, wants desperately to draw up a constitution and design a flag. Lucas likes to think of his casa as a Dustin-free zone, and is disappointed upon opening his door and finding reality has very much crushed his hopes and dreams. There is very little sleep, the occupants are lucky to claim several consecutive hours of unconsciousness. Instead, there are twitch marathons, Netflix binges, LOTR re-watches, and intense, lengthy debates over the merits of Zack Snyder being shot into space verses the efficiency of simply setting him ablaze.

X. Will is fond of lying on the couch, or on the window seat or on the floor next to Lucas' mattress and telling him all the ideas that his ridiculous brain ushers forth when he can't sleep. Lucas gently reminds him of the graphic novel he's kind of, sort of, a little bit working on-the thing he starts last year and politely but stubbornly refuses to show him any more pages once Lucas becomes a living, breathing reminder that Will could maybe think about possibly publishing it because It's Good. To be fair, saying the words aloud, letting them take shape in the air is almost like working on it. It's very, very close.

XI. Eventually, Mike realizes that contrary to initial reports, he's actually jealous of two people. Yes Lucas making El laugh is fairly fucking infuriating, but so is the knowledge that Lucas is trying so hard to make someone laugh, and that that someone (for reasons he is painfully, intimately familiar with) is NOT him. Pre-graduation, post-two a.m.  silent, sexuality-specific  realization that takes place in an Arby's parking lot, Mike and Lucas are the most accurate visual representation for best friendship that has ever, or will ever live. Their bond is unshakable, the stuff of Census Bearu legend, the canniest, most argumentative, absurdly affectionate, gleefully contrary pairing so robust and unrelenting it caused even the most patient members of their tight-knit Indiana State study circle to routinely throw up their hands and avert their eyes, yelling, "That's enough! Put it away!" One sunny, late-fall afternoon, they're picking up the thread of an ongoing Alien vs. Aliens debate (Lucas: I'm so glad your mom's not here to listen to her son humiliate himself like this. It would break her heart.") which has ascended to the intensity level that warrants standing very close and screaming as though they are not standing very close, when quite suddenly, they are no longer arguing. The discovery of another item in a long list of things they are hopelessly good at when they combine their talents, takes up the entire afternoon and most of the evening. The surprised, but strong, and ultimately righteous sense of joy\awe is conflated by the subdued, giddy knowledge that what has been in the past for Mike a rare and somewhat lackluster experience, and for Lucas, a little less rare but equally mediocre 'event' currently feels like the wide expanse of potentiality specific to scientific exploration. So there's that.

XII. It doesn't last too long, when he allows himself to think about it Mike abjectly refuses to liken the duration of the event to anything stupid, like a metaphor about supernovas. That would be dumb. And crass. And in poor taste. Plus, he hardly ever thinks about it ever, so there's that. Anyway, Mike dropping out of Indiana state and returning to the cocoon of his mother's basement is a completely unrelated event that never ever needs to be recounted, not even for posterity, except to say that it's unrelated to anything going on in his life at the moment. And it's okay, because he and Lucas are still ridiculously close friends and it's never even awkward except for the few occasions wherein Mike succumbs to jealously, before becoming confused about exactly whom he's jealous off. After he figures it out, he's moody and distant and the podcast gets Weird in only the way Mike can make it. El is confused, 'cause once the dude stops staring and actually says a few words to her, he's kind of cool in this completely doofy way. Lucas eventually plops on the end of Mike's bed, allows Mike to put his dirty, uncivilized sneakers all over his fairly expensive pants and makes a fumbling preamble that might as well be called Intro to Awk Con. It goes okay. Mike's just tired and Lucas co-signs with  a sigh, and a story about his sister, and they talk around it because it's still-they-can't-There's grumbling about the complete absence of something that could even be mistaken for a fan base, and Dustin's rants, and a general consensus on the awesomeness of El and they both feel better after that.

XIII. Lucas might have a supremely underdeveloped thing for Will? It's like, super embryonic, not even worth thinking about much less trying to explain out loud to Will's face while he stands there looking cute and curious and hesitant about the stupid notebook he's been doodling in for like a year, even though what little bits Lucas has seen of the novel that Will's mortified about having written  is so good he'd buy it tomorrow if Will would only deign to finish the damn thing. Yeah. So El hangs around Hawkins, after slaving away in his emotional garden wearing a wide-brim hat and too much sunscreen, Mike manages to grow the courage necessary to ask her to dine at his mom's house (yes, his mom has had El over for dinner roughly a thousand times, and yes her laugsana  with the signature sauce has become one of El's favorite dishes, but owing to the fact that Mike has spent ninety-five percent of those roughly thousands of evenings in his room melting down and wishing he was a person who could handle this shit, they don't actually count.), Will finishes his summer drawing course at the learning annex, because his phone storage is unable to contend with the sheer volume of photos he takes of and with El in the last couple of weeks\months (?) Dustin gets Instagram and instantly gains a thousand followers, and Lucas comes to the conclusion that's actually amazing at this podcast thing? Like honestly, he's very talented. And he's never taken one communication course!

XIV. El heads back to New York, promising to visit when she can. Mike admirably hides his heartbreak, and gallantly takes his frustration out on a pacman machine during their afternoon at the arcade. (Mike Wheeler: Frustrated Bisexual) A couple months later, they all receive signed copies of the next Wizards of Gale book with special messages scribbled on the inside covers. A couple of weeks before that, they post their El interview, and the site it takes Dustin two, painful, sleepless weeks to build experiences a significant amount of traffic for the first time in its uneventful little life. Everyone freaks out and facetimes El who's mid interview on the Teresa Watkins show, and that's how they attain their first television interview. (El: I'm sorry, this is so unprofessional. Do you mind?)

XV. Bros being bros, podcasting about nerd stuff. (Dustin: How were you received by the dudebro cheeto dust contingent? I assume they're treating you well? They're super classy individuals.)

XVI. Oh, and Hopper is El's manager\literary agent? Okay? Okay.