#I may love MP the best because it's the most in need of love

[bethanydelleman]

Why You Should Read Mansfield Park

Mansfield Park is consistently voted the least favourite Jane Austen novel, much to my despair. A lot of people don't even read it based on that reputation. If you are an Austen fan, or even just a book fan, this is why you should read it.

Mansfield Park: Something for Everyone

Are you an extrovert who wants to understand the other side, have you ever experienced: “pausing a moment for what she knew would not come, for a courage which the outside of no door had ever supplied to her“? Try Mansfield Park and live inside the head of an introvert!

Are you tired of everyone loving the highly extroverted and witty Elizabeth Bennet, Fanny Price is your heroine! Watch her go from unappreciated and ignored to, “the daughter that he wanted,” by being quietly helpful, moral, and kind, not bright and sparkling.

Do you enjoy watching university-aged people creating drama, being selfish, and having elaborate love triangles? TV ratings seem to indicate yes. Look no further than Mansfield Park! Sisters who love the same guy, unrequited love, hidden jealousy, and can the bad boy finally go good?

Not into drama? How about intelligent critiques of the Church of England, a good deal of it still relevant today? Mary Crawford has you covered!

Into Poetry? Fanny Price thinks in poetry! Check out her monologue on “tyrannic memory” or her reflections on sunlight when she’s staying with her family in Portsmouth. Mary Crawford didn’t pay attention, but you will love it!

Do you love free stuff? Who doesn’t love free stuff? Watch the master of mooching, Mrs. Norris, abscond with all the extra jellies after the ball and sponge a heath, some eggs, AND a cream cheese from Southerton. Have you ever made someone feel better by stealing green baize?

Want romance? Only read Ch 30 and forget everything else that happens!

Mansfield Park, give it a first chance, or another chance.

(Also, neither movie (1999 or 2007) follows the book. The 1983 mini is the only one true to canon. If you’ve watched Fances O’Connor as Fanny Price you don’t know the real story. And these aren't small quibbles, they completely changed Fanny's character in 1999, it's the forerunner of Persuasion 2022)

[pico-digital-studios]

Into, Across and Beyond! Cast: The Smiling Critters (or "Smiling Buddies")

Please refer to the below post as well:

(Attached link is for both halves of the art, designed by togebora)

A colourful band of friends, these are who you may (or may not) know as the Smiling Critters! Well, they are different in the IAB! continuity than you may know them in Poppy Playtime, especially over in Dimension MP-2021, where their roles are most prominent.

In this universe, they are NOT fictional characters from a TV show or toy lineup, but they are instead real characters in-universe who co-exist alongside everyone else in MP-2021. As it happened, all eight had applied for Bumper High School at the beginning of One More Hero and were getting ready to study alongside OMT!Tails and the ApocalypseTitan kid characters.

Daylight the Pup (DogDay)

The leader of the friend group and one of the most optimistic of the eight. He's shown to be very loyal to his friends, and he's one of the first OMT!Tails passes by on the open week at the school.

Bubba the Elephant (Bubba Bubbaphant)

The blue elephant member and one of the top students in classes, up there with OMT!Tails (mainly in math and science) and Max Cartwright. He's naturally smart and has a really good memory for things, and he's sometimes about to keep check on the below-mentioned petition and see how it's coming along.

Kickroyale the Chicken (Kickin' Chicken)

The yellow chicken member who is full of radical attitude for those around him and can be pretty smug about stuff. Though it does cause trouble on occasion for those around him, he's still got a good heart, and he's a bit of a softie deep down. Though he is the "cool kid" of his gang, he is pretty prone to fear, and is open to asking others for help if he really needs it.

As it happens, in One More Hero, he's the first to come to OMT!Tails and Bobby's aid when Benny starts bullying them for the heck of it (and even had the gall to mock Bobby's all-loving status), and he kept his trap shut when Richard attacked the school in More than One Universe to avoid being noticed.

Picky Patch the Pig (PickyPiggy)

The pink pig member and the big eater of the bunch. Contrary to her name, she isn't picky, but she enjoys lunchtimes at school and usually picks something filling and healthy to have for her daily meals. Of course, she can be picky about trying light snacks or fast foods, due to not wanting to be unhealthy in her life.

Picky is also one of the most optimistic and level-headed in the group, and is there to calm the others down if things are getting out of hand. And out of the goodness in her heart, when she heard that OMT!Tails was off sick, she shared some apples she had picked from an orchard for him to enjoy.

Hoppy Scotch the Bunny (Hoppy Hopscotch)

The green rabbit member and the most excitable of the bunch. She gives a lot of enthusiasm to friends around her, though can come off as loud or impatient sometimes because of this, so she does make time to slow down for her friends.

Of the bunch, she was one of the bigger fans of OMT!Sonic when he was still alive, and aspired to be able to run fast like him, hence her decision to ask OMT!Tails to give running or hopping a shot with her whenever they got the chance to hang out.

Crafty "CraftyCorn" Canvas the Unicorn

The white, yet colourful, unicorn member and one of the more shy members. She is shy around meeting new people, but especially enjoys art and the vast wonders it can create. As an aspiring artist, she finds it very important to share the art she creates with others and finding beauty in pretty much anything around her.

She's the Smiling Buddy who has the most influence in points of One More Hero's plot, as she had heard about the rising prevalence of AI in art theft and disliked the idea, so she enlisted OMT!Tails's help to go and get people to sign her petition to make AI art outright illegal in Dimension MP-2021.

OMT!Tails did find some difficulty in getting all the required signatures at first, but when the alternate crew from the Blur Gang came along, that's when he made excellent progress, and he handed the finished petition back to Crafty at the end of the story for her to put forward. She even painted a picture of him (including one with his nano-suit) and sent it to him as a thank you for what he did.

Bobby Hugster the Bear (Bobby Bearhug)

The young red bear member and the all-loving part of the gang. She's a young girl who shows love and compassion for pretty much anybody, no matter who they are. However, this all-loving status doesn't come without its flaws, as it leaves her vulnerable to bullying, which she wouldn't have made it through if not for people like OMT!Tails and Kickroyale having her back.

In One More Hero, she's the first to see how nervous Tails is about settling into his new school in those next six months, and offers him some starting companionship while he gets to grips with the place. And once she heard about what went down with Uma, she's the first to comfort OMT!Tails once he returns to the school dorms, knowing just how difficult it must be for him to cope with.

Of course, thanks to her being there whilst OMT!Tails was being comforted by the Blur Gang, it meant she also got caught up in the crazy hide-and-seek when Danny entered the room, and then pinned in the room with OMT!Tails when the Blur Gang headed out to shut down Eggman Nega's invention themselves, though she was freed once Tails got his heroic second wind.

Naksh the Cat (CatNap)

The last member of the Smiling Buddies, and arguably the one who's changed THE MOST from his original counterpart. He's not constantly sleepy, but he is selectively mute and hasn't smiled a lot, even when with his friends. He had a rough home life and finds comfort in being around people who genuinely get it.

He does show up to help comfort OMT!Tails after Uma is hospitalised, though due to being more nervous, he doesn't stick around after the Blur Gang arrive at his dorm, though does show fascination when he witnesses proof of the multiverse from them.

Through this knowledge, he saw about his portrayals from Playtime Co. and the horrors of the factory, and isn't afraid to show his dislike for BOTH portrayals, feeling they don't capture who he really is at all.

And in general...

Each of them enjoy being around OMT!Tails and have all supported him from the sidelines in his quest to protect Mobius from destruction at the hands of crazed villains. Though their roles are not as major as anyone from the Blur Gang, Quill Society or rogues gallery, they all still make sure to do their part where it counts.

Small Note

For all you Poppy Playtime fans that saw this post and liked it, welcome to my blog, where I post stuff related to a story based on Spider-Verse, but with hedgehogs, foxes and other characters from the Sonic multiverse. Be sure to stick around here to see more!

And as a side-note to you guys, the Smiling Critters (who I'll admit are my personal favourites from the game) are going to be the ONLY representation of Poppy Playtime in ALL of IAB!. That means the rest of the characters are absent in Dimension MP-2021 outright.

[beyond-far-horizons]

Okay the game's been out for a few days now, but spoilers!

While it has significant good points, am I allowed to say now how angry and disappointed I am by how Liu aka the devs treated our queen?

I'm glad to see old faces return, I'm so happy for fans who missed their faves for years and yes not every kharacter has to be on every roster...

But FFS, this is a reboot of MK1! The original game Sonya was the first female kharacter for. I love Kitana, love Sindel, really happy to see Mileena finally getting her due, but we wouldn't have any of them if Sonya hadn't done so well for the OG game, if Ed and John hadn't realised they needed a badass lady amongst all those men.

Plus the way NRS handled this whole thing - both the marketing and the storymode - was a mess. Frankly they led Sonya fans on despite knowing how upset fans can get after what happened with Mileena in MK11. I know because I was roped in since May on Twitter. I wish they'd have managed expectations early on, esp in a game we'd expect her to be in. A few kind words at cons, even just a few references in Storymode to explain her absence, it would have been really sad, but not the almost contemptuous erasure we got here.

Worse, it makes the pious, compassionate Liu Kang look awful for just ignoring or erasing one of his best friends and most loyal allies. Earthrealm starts out with no female champion and an overload of guys. And it seems to support all those awful takes that 'Sonya's boring', 'she's just a gun lady' or (and I don't know where they get this one?) 'she's a Tr*mp supporter!' 'She & SF can sit this one out'.

Finally, some of Sonya's lines, moves and roles have been taken and not just in this game. It's heartbreaking to see certain rude fans troll Sonya fans with how 'awful', 'boring' and 'militant' she is, but see people praise/enjoy other kharacters for what Sonya does. You can see from her Kameo how magical, athletic and vivacious Sonya used to be, she wasn't always a hardened military vet played by a fighter who sadly couldn't voice-act. Even then, I still love her as a general, she's always fought for Earthrealm and been loyal to Raiden and Liu, even if the majority seem to forget that.

I'm just fuming that all we get of her is 1 intro hint, an unlockable Johnny's announcer voice talking about her and the awful evil version with Kano's eye at the end for 2 mins. While Johnny has an ex wife and flirts with every woman he comes across, Kenshi partners with Jax, Johnny uses a drone, Kitana has a virtually identical fatality, Li Mei has some of her moves. Now I hear (spoiler) that Cassie - her daughter might be in KP2 without her.

Rant over, I just hope Mortal Kombat 2 (the movie) does her justice and shows NRS and some of the fans what they are missing.

[toinfinitywinning]

this is get to know you time. the cringy name game at every camp in the world you do with toilet paper. enough.

Conversations and thoughts resembling the same level of random and incongruence of my Apple Music library. like Josh Groban is to Eminem: Mercy Me. a lot about everything that’s not a hashtag bc it just needs more attention.

Let the first (post) be first:

Hi. I’ve never done this before (like a seriously grown up blog on purpose. Just when just followed sad somewhat desperate poetry with a random live-laugh-love meme in there somewhere.) and Pitch Perfect.

BUT.

For 2 years I’ve had Long-Haul COVID. It’s a different kind of lonely

Thanks so much, amirite? —Gen-Z apologies if I didn’t use that jumbled acronym-word correctly.

It’s hard to keep up.

See? What am I talking about now and how did I get there…

Due to a very common symptom of LHC…

Again—hard to keep up. It’s there. Tho

And I have a lot of quirk so it’s possible I think you’ll “get” but are just nice not to tell me

BUT.

It’s already gone. Train left the Station yesterday.

Slipped on a penny.

Not Good. not even funny.

Teens with the gorgeous graffiti have to Go elsewhere. I’ve always been jealous of that kind talent.

Whole lot better than something else shiny thrown on the track and it’s derailed. There’s at least some innocence in a paint can.

WOW.

I have major attention and Brain Fog hurdles to conquer or shortly bypass. You might not be able to tell b/c of how My writing jumps around so infrequently.

Not true but still easier.

Mostly innocent and playful.

Sadly the attention part is this many years young.

Writing comes naturally. As it always has, strangely...

And why is healing so exhausting? Writing is therapeutic but My body says—can you not?

i know im not the only one asking that!

As if I have time for that too.

find a community of people suffering just as similarly and gain strength, tips and tricks.

Just, speak-screen edit my writing for me. Maybe a clarification fact-✔.

Just not wherever Tr*mp gets his.

Could be Truth Social. Monthly fee tho will cost you your Red Hat.

MYGAbad

Speaking I struggle with processing w/e skills I must have held onto.

BUT.

Since 2 years is quite. some. time.—I’ve shared many struggles and victories.

Like a Bell curve. Or a punk Domino falling then lining them up takes longer just to go down again in half the time. Repeat.

It’s very likely I Will try to talk about many things at once.

I really can’t help that. LOL.

Jury’s still out but I get most of my writing and miscellaneous musings from mom.

Dad can write the best, longest, and precious prayers and notes.

Almost delicately but like you KNOW he’s giving you a hug.

A Good mix tape’s paper Version.

Enter Run on sentences. Truly a stream by now.

Although my brain muscle is weak I’ve been encouraged by several people to Start a blog. Someday I’ll include the past 2 years of w/e pics are on other SocMed.

I can’t think of anything worse.

Yea, okay LOL.

Judgment free. Occasionally… like normal doses then have to work through that.

Mostly that’s because I knew nothing about anything before I opened My computer and started sharing My thoughts under zero context ridden or form at all.

More likely as well to offend and piss someone off. Well done you’re now one less friend popular. There’s an App for that tho-tracking people Who don’t like you.

Not sure where I’ll land with this. It may not land you either.

Because like a lot of us. Sometimes you don’t get to talk actually. No Room.

I like routine; that’s out. So it gets dull.

I’ve learned I hadn’t yet given myself the space to see all of things I can do sitting down.

But. By “given” I mean to say that perhaps I didn’t know it was there.

One Good thing I’ve gathered from this Hell.

Hell fresh by the Day! Never frozen.

So at that time and in this case of my life; sitting is fine.

Some of it isn’t too bad. The writing. You will find questionable punctuation. Run on sentences that I was running.

Relevance at all.

All around Confusion…altho connect the dots could have been seen as practice.

Or annoying even. I’d have no words.

I truly don’t set out to be funny. I could never do stand-up or improv. Or act.

Humor forced just takes and receives too much energy that might come off insincere.

Nothing on command.

Like Matt Perry’s brilliant improv wit it just doesn’t hit the same.

B/c it was scripted.

A syllabus for it Imagine.

The horn to jump off the swim block.

It’s when Life feels more scripted a lot of people close up.

That’s because you’re not in charge anymore. I’ve lost the Power.

Don’t prefer caring about whether someone likes me like I used to.

I believe you can snooze me for 30 days or say ‘I’m done w/ her’ and send Me to the cyberarchives.

Okay. Okay.

So—90% of the time I’m witty and sarcastic with a bit of cynicism, discomfort (for you), and pettifogging.

I write primarily about the questions of intersectionality.

How do things fit.

Let’s Fit it.

Until I figured out physics and calculus and basic math were behind a career in architecture and the classes I would have to take, I enjoyed taking things apart to make something else.

Not always pretty.

Could be Good what I took apart was the best thing we can’t see.

Like I’m writing questions but with wisdom not meaning to do that either,

A lot of people don’t like that. You do you! Baby.

I don’t mean to be at all harsh or hurtful. I try not to say that anything vainly.

I say it b/c a lot of what I’m writing is all of every piece of stream of consciousness tallied.

And it was a synapse connecting another.

Maybe that’s the creative part? The other side of My Brain is telling Me to ✔ on the other side so I’m like…crickets.

What I write is stream of consciousness, brutally honest and to some might be lightly offensive. In College writing this Way would’ve absolutely driven Me crazy.

Then life steps in and bonks u on the head with a newspaper but 15 years later returns the favor with an iPhone.

Or too blunt. And comes across as harsh. And that’s mostly because if I don’t have an emoji to match my real-life broken ღ I’m breaking up with you.

Self reflection: impulsive

I used to journal so much growing up.

When did I lose that innocence?

We can’t talk about folding paper into cranes and witchcraft finger fortune games anymore?

No more MASH?

Huh, maybe you weren’t born this Way. Ur Parents just drew circles nearest each other or your apple stem twist broke too soon and you want a partner whose name starts with P.

Very often I overshare. If you’re reading this this is not brand new information. No ability to say things simply. Think I’ve already. That can put me really vulnerable to more bitcoin hacks.

And then you need to figure out what bitcoin is. And whether Mario can collect coins as well in place of the hackers.

I’d say ask Tom Brady b/c of his investments but since retirement he’s been pretty deflated.

Mean people that mean to hurt.

First of all I feel sorry for you. Not in a poor you tho.

People Who hurt on purpose don’t often have any Way to vent or get a rise other than evoke feelings in and deflect toward a schoolmate.

Skip back to the part I tried talking about vulnerability. It truly is the invisible cloak and no one can see you but nothing makes sense still and you’ve only fixed what’s on the outside. Now you’re peeved AND cloaked.

At this conjunction junction next I’d suggest try shopping at Target opposed to Abercrombie then.

Feet in the water right above bankruptcy to see how things could be different only what…if?

Good ♧ seriously.

So there’s more grace given when you fall. When it’s not your month Day or even year!

Nobody is there for you!!

And My cloak is getting rained on.

Maybe gathering strength from falling will come a common sense with a 6th one but with seriously meaningful things I’ve learned and less hard knock’s Life for us.

The hard Way.

The bottom’s still there and it actually stinks stinks. Discouraging b/c there are two sides to the bottom of the cave full of stalagTITES and mites.

All the up’s and down’s. Right there. And the COVID-19 bat OMG!

You know you may not be able to fall any further further but once you’re up again you’re wondering whether you should get some cement to close that thing off.

Choose to live! But welcome to the real world—it sucks—ur gonna Love it.

Almost 4got. In the cave you dont always have to wait for Jesus to be resurrected if that metaphor comforts you but if change comes and it requires a whole new worm can of Life we already can’t handle that gets us outta the dank I don’t think we need to ask permission to the rights of that Bible passage.

BUT.

Until YOU are ready for change...

Forget it. At least you meant well. Someone can guide that horse to water but it stays pretty hydrated, so he says he’s Good. Promise. The only talking animal and it was Me Who got to hear it. More importantly, who’s gonna ☊? Care? There’s a country song finding out Who your Friends are. A lot stay lost and it’s not helpful all our Friends aren’t the same.

Missing a Good chance to find out if you’re in a similar predicament and that not always a bad thing.

At times I have literally had to be lifted off the floor.

I don’t do this at all for pity. As you read, My Pride is the biggest obstacle to let Go.

When you do?

The hard way through this.

I am angry and irritable for bouts. Sometimes I’m silly and invite karma punishments.

Go all Brimstone and every type fire and the Old Testament has nothing New-thinking and no one new to add to it. SMH. Nail a list on the wooden church door reading it is nearing endgame. Or, Just open your hotel drawer and tear out the back half.

So change then— If it were Me and it has been just not an actual hole I’d be outta there due to the spiders and crickets alone. Jiminy’s Cool.

If u can’t change and just stay a novice bunny hill—fine! Stay there. Build some confidence through experience.

And isn’t that another thing? Something specific motivates the fire under your (cuckoo!) and before you’d see the dark without any End of the tunnel and more importantly with the light aspect. All the sudden you care b/c what? It applies to you of course be selfish. Fascinating yet humbling.

Then there’s the ‘Why Me’ (?) phase? Not fully pitiful but just pretentious enough to resume the trailblaze. Bad attitude with a healthy dose of are we there yet and trying to Balance whether someone is saying …’they get it; you always feel bad’ so…KY Basketball banter? Ashamed accompanies too bc thing is a few times I did kind of scoff at phrases like I always feel bad. Like, here’s 2 Extra strength Tylenol.Alright, Ok, come test for Covid 1/29/22. It shouldn’t take going through something to empathize with or change but you could’ve listened for longer with a clear mind. Just cannot wrap your head around it and I think sometimes that’s okay. What’s next I’ll try so hard.

+ It’s 12:01am of 1/29/24 (so last night), you still can’t do math and/or struggle to add or subtract 12 so aren’t entirely sure its your sophomore year orientation, and you already surrender to what you didn’t want to get up for in the first place. Kind of silly u set the alarm! B/c Pain, confusion, Discomfort and a Deep loneliness that has very little to do with people awaits. That whole scenario is a disaster but look who’s standing and GOT. UP. period. 15 years ago that’s where I’d be. Just defeated.

THAT. Is enough some days. I say that to you struggling to believe the same but know Deep down.

Year 2 longhaul and youre wondering why there are anniversaries at all given about half are always sad or tragic. Evoking the worst on what could be the best. Might be something To think 2 minutes ago you’d ended your prayer to have a better Day. Of anything is true about everything happens for a reason I’d say having to chooose how to respond given you have the privilege at all to that just means were normal. B/c ill be honest I would not

I’m angry. WHAT is so complicated about your lack of Faith or belief prayer must go into an encrypted iCloud even the FBI can’t retrieve or interpret. Never had a chance! But I’ll add that it’s worth noting prayer doesn’t deal with its existence in transaction currencies..

Feel less Pain but feel more with it or stronger now. Or, just plain ‘ol numb. Similar to Addiction I suppose people get so used to being healthy one Way or another they don’t even notice better OR worse and no one is getting married.

Truth is.

Yea.

I’m in Hell, but I’m not on a ventilator. I’m not without relentless Support.

I still can smile but laugh just a bit before it hurts.

Something is always worse.

SomeONE is doing worse.

Somewhere and definitely rn.

I never knew I’d be dealing greed of perspective for this Long.

Something you’ll never find out about that changed your life’s trajectory where an explanation would have only confused things.

Then we still have the chance to be astonished and then genuine bc of that. Thankful. Expectant. With Faith somehow. Maybe carrying someone else’s Hope for a while might burden you less for a short time.

You dont need to see eye struggle and suffering. You dont need examples. You just know. There’s a fleeting peace u might not see again for 2 days but in knowing it’s not just you with the same bs going on.

Like here. Here is someone who needs support but in a different Way but how unique it could be to trade just for a bit. It’s not leg day this time remember u agreed a temp trade.

We don’t have to know everything. Most of the time I don’t give God the time to keep up w/ Me let alone do anything miraculous before I just hang up.

Although My Life was headed in a completely renewed direction in so many ways of recovery—

I got sick. Not because it was meant to be.

Because COVID. Possibly a rabid bat. Cracked vile or petri-dish

Everything does not happen for a reason and ppl dont like hearing that bc its an easy out. Says time might go on but this thorn wont ever heal. How do we respond? that’s the most authentic and a strength yes or no wand.

I hate cliché. Thing is tho…I think we all hate it b/c it doesn’t hold us accountable. Eh it’s fine.

Unfortunately we wouldn’t have the pretty, surprise, one of the Walk to Remember walks. All up to the of healing and forgiveness individual to each of us.

If for Me that means ive healed all I can and I’m counting on research to help Me out some more maybe I just keep going. Trust Me nothing is forgotten but you do know now that at least you were strong and capable enough to figure all that at all. And—I can do that. Some days aren’t that kind.

Maybe it becomes a goal we never anticipated but ✔ your resilience at the ticket line and saddle up, honey.this donkey only holds ____ lbs. let some things Go. That thing will still only walk in a circle but you’ve evenly distributed your baggage.

The feeling of pure joy. Which btw does still require a thesaurus b/c it is NOT the same as joy. Like a preventative Med to an acute one.

Then feel Accomplishment.

Not knowing what’s next but trying to be prepared.

It’s a surprise party we never RSVP’d and don’t regret it.

And it’s a Good thing u got outbid for that yacht.

Hell, tho, you won’t be forgotten but pushing helps the donkey move faster for now that is acceptable.

Unshun. Reshun. (This will make sense if you Watch the Office)

Flee fly. Be gone. Thankfully we hope to come out more resilient after the rip and tear and often not fully repaired sewing lessons.

But perhaps the biggest trait I’ve had to work on is My Pride. I want to do it.

I’ll give myself 3 strikes. 4 balls.

Then I walk to First.

Please do not get Me a gift.

I Love you and that was so sweet.

Would I be as generous?

Do u work, yea. It’s just one really hurts more and being tough isn’t tough at all if it’s not helping the worst hurt.

Those are sitting down, timeout thoughts.

The compression socks need to breathe.

But once the Pride slides over, let go, I get to know how it feels to very tangibly be taken care of and watched over.

Patience. The other side of a rant.

Later on that.

My main goal is to learn. Connect. Be called out if something comes off really tasteless.

Laugh at things that don’t have anything to do with being chronically sick. Laugh about what Medicine u had to administer and royally failed.

Sometimes all coupled with a handicap car-tag. No crutches either b/c I don’t like hearing I Will get better. It is a nice statement but it is impossible to be sure. Ive struggled with that b/c I know everyone believes that and means well I’ve just taken prior sick Gentry’s generalization and multiplied.

I am not making light. I think part of me is using the sarcasm as a coping mechanism.

Praise God there is something that does help the pain or at least distract from that Pain just not the one in your legs.

A codependency just a bit less severe. Embarrassing. Reason for judgment. Too easy.

If you can believe it—-I am not the same person I was 2 years ago.

For now I truly don’t know how. Pain can leave, anything traumatic can be worked on. You’ve got your scars.

I actually really think a scar is just unique as a snowflake or fingerprint. Telling so many stories. B/c a scar does mean something has healed. And it never forgets at one time it was painful. I’d prefer to see what I accomplish but I see wonder and beauty in them.

Things get pretty deep, complicated and downright pitifully sad. Vulnerable. Frighteningly true and relevant.

So I take what Good I can get in that day and pray those with LHC (Long-Haul COVID-19)

Be released.

However. On the flip tail’s side.

I’m 35 years aware there are some people who just don’t like me.

Until recently I wouldn’t have meant ‘sorry not sorry.’

I do now. To a respectable extent.

Reader discretion is advised. I promise I never set out to hurt anyone.

definitely not on purpose.

Because. Idgaf. Not bars being held. Que sera, sera.

complete transparency and seriously tho this doesn't mean i dont care. i wear my heart on my sleeve like a ding-dong ready to get hurt.

call it a diversion. we were on a break.

i just might take all of whatever hits wrong and turn that in to whatever ounce of assurance I can with the openness and to the best capability to learn new things and grow with compassion.

And back to writing—may already be just engrained but I don’t ever have a thesis, 3 supporting ideas or a better word then a conclusion.

You might find yourself confused. Reading it again prob won’t help.

Some will be really bad. Ugly. Waste of time. it was at least therapeutic for me.

Already is.

Even more might not make sense.

Read at your own risk, basically.

I have confidence but not really. Just enough not to care to change.

But I think about it. Because I’m wrong a lot.

challenge me. ill try to get through the fog.

But a lot of things have changed. in ways i might not even know Beauty in the Mess.

To sum up the above (sorry, there won’t be another summary after this disclaimer’s commercial intermission.)

I want to be as positive as possible.

Be in control of what I can. Ask for help for what I cannot.

I’m so ready to get My Life back. Trust Me and trust anyone Who tells your theyre in constant pain.

Really embarrassing I used to kind of scoff and be empathetic.

Funny how youre so sure of things.

Until it happens to you.

Suddenly it’s back to the drawing board and humility.

I wear my ღ on my sleeve. My greatest superpower and kryptonite.

What you read is as close to what you get as possible.

Balance can be unfair.

Please know that I care. I try harder than I ever had before. There are things I didn’t even Imagine could happen to someone when sick.

In all the ways I want to come out of this even better than what I envy I was entering into when I got sick.

There will be a WIDE range of thoughts similar to how i write. Mostly Sports and public figures and the politics I can comprehend.

B/c I know there’s someone out there who’s homeless because of this diagnosis. Or was deadly. Fired.

Divorced.

Ive become a bit of a nerd. Childish in some ways b/c you have to be creative…to be creative.

How do I even Start philosophizing that? So I don’t.

So I try My best to be the best I can. Inspire. Elicit laughter and new ways of thinking.

Questions.

Really tho? I just wanna be me.

thank you so sincerly to anything fromn a meme to a gift to a hug a prayer a smile, company, vibes if they can travel

but most of all

for holding hope when ive not been strong enough to.

For better or worse

for loving me.

making me feel heard.

idk what tomorrow holds but if its the same as today ill know at least i can make it and i am still beyond blessed and cared for and loved unconditionally.

even if forever.

wanna feel free, free.

to be me unabandoned.

changed for the better without knowing it.

some people dont have that option.

or even less the resource or safety to write about it.

Lastly mostly—I’m thankful for Insurance and the ability and privilege to work from home. And. Still have a job in general.

A Family and Family reserves holding me.

gentry.gonna.gents/g3

next. and if you made it this far, bless you.

thank you.

you mean more than you know to me. to anyone miscellaneous thanks as well and to my family and extended family and friends and job and insurance.

im in better shape than a lot. perspective sucks in the throes. selfish not selfish but my gosh turn the lights off. each journey is sooo different, but idk find the goodness and inspiration inbtw. There will be a rainbow soon enough, I wont make the bold claim and promise you one tho,

semi lastly and vulnerably, we've all been hurt. all going through something.

I say this every time something really bad happens. Ya know the ‘this is even worse,’ talk.

This one holds every candle.

Funny not funny none are the same and you’re never fully prepared.

and no one knows what it is you’re dealing.

give grace when I can’t sometimes.

cliché’s be damned lets just golden rule it b/c that one’s hard to do too but it sounds cute and Idont see a periodic table saying A! U! Be nice and welcoming.

I know I’ve forgotten something.

So I’ll fight.

But I still get to complain.

Feeling so entitled to this ill.

Sincerely,

Gentry

no ps you're welcome

[wow-cool-robot]

Episode 42: Space Fortress A Baoa Qu

i love every transition from the heroic, triumphant opening to the attack of some horrific wmd

rip revil

degwin doesn't deserve a rip

i like how since they're in space everyone is sipping from pouches instead of eating or drinking like normal. it's the little things that make this feel more hard scifi than it maybe always is

kycillia is me sitting at the bus station and realizing the person sitting next to me isn't masked

is amuro spying on them using his newtype powers?

'the war may pose a threat to humanity if it goes on any longer' like the war so far hasn't killed over half the population

attacking the strongest point because it's the most vulnerable?

this sequence of everyone preparing for the battle is good

did amuro lie about their target being a weak link, or was it just about their chances of victory? either way, i kind of figured. maybe lalah could have seen something like that, but amuro seems more limited in his powers right now

dang, that's a lot of fire going back and forth. this sure is a final battle

so zeon is bringing out a new mp mobile suit for their last stand?

and char's going to fly in an unfinished suit because the last episode can't have been more than a few hours ago

char's the only person they have who they think has even a chance of being a newtype, so out he goes

gihren, i feel like kycillia maybe isn't totally on board with you killing dad. i think you should have not admitted that

i like how zeon is so desperate they're fielding a bunch of zaku's as well.

they seem evenly matched to me, and the white base hasn't sortied yet. i think gihren might not be the best judge of reality. eugenicists rarely are

this guy pointing out in the second to last episode that legs serve very little purpose in space is very funny to me, since i'd been wondering about that from the first space battle back in episode 2. i understand you need them on land or you have the guntank, and nobody wants that, but in these big space opera battles legs seem mostly unnecessary

this guy is my favorite zeon character. 'legs are useless' and 'i mean, we only think you might be a newtype because of how good a pilot you are, we have no real clue' in like a minute of screen time

yeah, kycillia's pissed

even char is wondering if he's actually a newtype or not

yeah, he just did the newtype flash

man, char's pissed

god DAMN she just domed him!

now the smart move would be to sue for peace. is kycillia smart?

it seems not

dang, even hayato's getting kills here. the white base crew is really the cream of the crop

'the enemy seemed to weaken for a moment there.' yeah, it was because their commander got shot in the fucking head

amuro just blowing away mobile suits and tossing aside guns as he runs out of battery is the coolest thing

zeon throwing students into mobile suits and tossing them into this last stand is proof they don't have what it takes to be main characters. you gotta give them weaker enemies to level up against! i was going to ask if they'd ever played dragon quest, but it's 79 so they've probably never played an rpg period.

char shooting the kid crying out for his mother is a return to the more brutal combat seen earlier in the series

you might be a newtype, but amuro had his first newtype moments 20 episodes ago, whereas yours was 5 minutes ago. you gotta let these things develop!

[40sandfabulousaf]

大家好! I introduced Pa to the airconditioned place which sells local coffee, but that day the taste wasn't fantastic and he didn't like it. No matter, there're coffee shops to introduce him to and he enjoys exploring new venues like I do. I'll still return to that airconditioned place for a meal and coffee sometimes because they serve up decent portions and the food is tasty. I don't feel like I'm being fleeced when I dine there.

In the office this week, everyone was in a good mood, with plenty of jokes and teasing as we wound down for the holidays. The office asked us to bring a small present for the gift exchange after lunch yesterday. We were allowed to leave the office 2 hours early so that colleagues could rush home to prepare for Xmas eve. The short work day was what I looked forward to most. Even better, the next 2 weeks are shorter work weeks thanks to Xmas and New Year's Day both falling on Mondays!

About 1,200 Israeli and over 19,000 Palestinian civilians have perished so far, thousands have lost their homes and there's nowhere for them to go. Safety, which many take for granted as a basic human right, isn't afforded to them. A ceasefire, which could've spared innocent lives and allowed much needed humanitarian aid to flow into Gaza, was vetoed - more than once - by the US. Where is the concern for human rights? What price do Palestinians have to pay for Israel to achieve its goals and is it fair to expect them to pay that price?

I did receive some lovely presents; alas, due to the 10-photo limit per post, I cannot share all of them. I'm so grateful that even though I don't celebrate Xmas and don't buy gifts except if the office requires it, I still receive lovely ones every year. Most will be given away, which is what I do every year. The best present to me will be a ceasefire and for innocent Palestinian civilian lives to be spared. These people have suffered so very much and I pray that they'll finally get to enjoy basic human rights.

This Xmas, I choose to believe that there's good in this world and there're people who choose to live life with compassion. I choose to believe that kindness still exists and that there're others like me who just cannot bear watching civilians die morbid deaths or suffer any longer. I choose to believe that good will triumph and forbid evil from taking more innocent lives. This has to happen and it will. 下次见!

[back-and-totheleft]

Acid on Bondi Beach

Academy Award-winning director Oliver Stone - the force behind Platoon, Natural Born Killers, Wall Street and many more - was talking to a packed audience at today’s Semi Permanent conference.

The director, who most recently helmed the film Snowden, and was responsible for Al Pacino’s many memorable coke scenes in Scarface, told the gathered crowd of an early memory involving Bondi Beach and a debut LSD tab.

'I took my first acid trip in Sydney on Bondi beach. I met a girl at the local whiskey go go [bar] and holed up in a room with her for a week. The MPs [he was on R&R post a tour of Vietnam as a serving soldier] had to drag me out. I didn't want to leave. Years later I was back in Sydney and a woman tapped me on the shoulder and told me she was my daughter. It took a few weeks to find out that she wasn't. Her mother had never told her who her father was and it was between me and another guy, a bad guy. But it didn't work out.'

Stone actively sought action in Vietnam, quitting college in order to enlist. After two tours of duty and a failed career as a stockbroker, he turned his hands to writing - first novels, then screenplays. And thankfully he did.

Now, with 3 Academy Awards to his name, the iconic director travels the globe to share the highs and lows of his career.

It’s known that Stone has used drugs as a creative outlet, opening up to The Hollywood Reporter in 2012 about the virtues of acid, weed and ecstasy.

“I’m like Willie Nelson,” he said in the 2012 piece. “I believe the grass is God’s gift. California makes the best in the world now. When I was a kid, it was Vietnamese, it was Thai, Jamaican for a while. All my life I’ve been doing it, off and on. I can stop marijuana. I can [go without it] for weeks and weeks. I’m not addicted, but I enjoy it. I also enjoy alcohol.”

As for heavy drugs: “Cocaine, I stay away from. But I believe in LSD, mescaline, mushrooms, ayahuasca. You ever heard of ayahuasca? It’s a very strong juice that comes from the rubber trees. Ecstasy is great, too.”

He has said that he wrote Scarface because his own cocaine addiction had affected his so deeply.

“Cocaine had screwed me so much,” Stone told The Sabotage Times in 2013. “It had taken so much of my money that now I needed to take my revenge and so I wrote [the film]. In the past, I’ve talked about Scarface as being a farewell love letter to cocaine, but it’s really me taking my revenge on the drug.”

-GQ Australia, May 27 2017 [x]

[blackandwhlteaesthetlc]

When you said you also watched an early screening of mp, does that mean you also saw dwd? If so, impressions? If not, sorry about the ask!!!

I honestly can’t WAIT for this dwd shit to be over and start with mp promo. I’m soooooo looking forward to that!!!!

No need to apologize, anon ❤️

Just finished a big dinner so I’ll do my best to express myself coherently. 😂

Yes, I also watched DWD. It was at an early screening LAST YEAR. I can’t stress that enough. I haven’t watched it recently and I don’t intend to watch it again. I don’t even have a desire to watch it illegally but if people absolutely want to view it? Save your money and find a link here @igotthecinemapop

Be gay, do crime, etc & so forth.

Anyway, I signed multiple NDAs which is pretty standard for the type of event I attended where it was shown. The film is out now so I can share my thoughts freely but please know I’ve been DYING this whole time and really wish I could’ve shared more much sooner. I’m really boring and not a rule breaker though so here we are a year later. 😅

Moving on…You can probably guess I’m not a fan of the movie. And here I’m going to do my absolute best to remove my bias from the situation and explain why speaking strictly as someone that loves and studies film:

The writing is incredibly weak. Multiple plot holes with scenes that go absolutely no where and are never explained. The one that drives me the most crazy is an unnecessary plane crash. Listen, you can have confusing or disorienting scenes so you as the audience member start to take Alice’s side and root for her. She’s confused, you’re confused (we’re all confused, bro) so subconsciously you’re invested in her story and want her to get out of there. But there’s no satisfying payoff to these scenes. It was a jumble of weirdness edited together, it seems, to make you go “huh?” and nothing more.

Cringy, flat dialogue delivered by two-dimensional characters. Kiki Layne and Gemma Chan deserved better. It hasn’t escaped by attention all this time that these two women are woc but were pushed to the background (both in the movie and during promo) in favor of the director getting more screen time. Harry and Chris Pine also deserved better.

Speaking of Harry. Oh, Harry. Jack Chamber’s motivation to incapacitate his girlfriend because she works too many hours and doesn’t have time for him? The “twist” is explained in a rush at the end of the film so when this was revealed, I was already annoyed and disappointed. But this? All that build up to the lamest “ta-da” I’ve seen in a while.

It borrows too blatantly from other more notable films, including GET OUT, THE STEPFORD WIVES, SUSPIRIA, ROSEMARY’S BABY, INCEPTION…I can go on but you get it. And by borrowed, I mean the exact storylines, character designs (Violet has a pixie cut and is a wide-eyed newcomer to the town, too reminiscent of Mia Farrow as Rosemary), actual scene structures. I’m thinking particularly of the ballet studio scenes that had Suspiria written all over it. But Olivia’s “reimagining” did absolutely nothing new except just copy, copy, copy. These weren’t homages, it was just lazy plagiarism. Please watch any of the above, and I can absolutely recommend more, to see how a story like this can actually be executed well.

Was it pretty to look at? Yes. When I got out, I immediately thought “okay, well that’s a nomination for Cinematography and Costumes for sure.” Now, given how everything how panned out? Idk anymore. It may still get technical recognitions, possibly for music too. But I don’t see any acting nominations. If Flo or Chris Pine get nominated, I can’t imagine they’ll campaign too hard for it. And really I don’t blame them.

And now that I’ve brought up acting, I’ll say this about Harry. There are moments, I felt, he overacted because the scene called for him to have big emotions. He’s still a novice to this but he was leagues better in MP so I’m eager to see what he does next, outside of Eternals, because he has tons of promise to get better and better. I think he does well in quieter moments and has a good sense of comedic timing. His face is so expressive, you can see real emotion there when it’s needed. But sometimes, just sometimes, you could see him reaching or trying to pull the emotion forward too forcefully. And it took me out of a couple scenes while watching him DWD. I think he did much better in MP because Tom as a character can be stiffer and more reserved. But don’t get me wrong, his scenes with Emma and David were lovely. I think he felt a real comfort there that allowed him to let go completely.

I don’t think I’ve said anything new here but those were my thoughts from a year ago and I’m sad to see that so many reviews since Venice echoed those same thoughts exactly all this time later. Nothing seemed to get fixed and it’s a shame. I’ve already shared my thoughts on the marketing so no need to reiterate that again.

My last thought is I’m just disappointed for everyone involved that sought out to make a genuinely interesting and entertaining movie without any bullshit. They were let down by the studio and the director in a truly gross fashion.

[levis-pink-tea]

Traitor

chapter two

summery: it has been a little over 5 years since you left Marley and since wall maria fell. now as your friends fight for their lifes in Trost your doing all you can to get back and help save them. 

It's been two years since your friends started as cadets. Today was supposed to be an amazing day for them. The 104th cadets had just graduated. You were able to watch all of them come so far since they began training.  Each One of them was strong and had the ability to be in any regiment. You were surprised when most of them had told you they wanted to join the Military police. You knew even if Eren was the top of his class he'd join you. He had a goal and he needed to be a scout to succeed. When you had overheard that Annie wanted to join the MP you feared for your new found home. The armor and colossal may be strong but the female titan is equally as strong especially when it comes to speed. You could remember the training back in Marley and how Annie could always outrun you so you trained and trained to get faster until one day you finally did pass her.

 Yet in her eyes you never stopped running. You kept going all the way to the enemy. The truth was when it came to you Annie she wasn't cold or distant. She was kinder to you and more open. You were like her sister. She didn't get why you left her there or why you just kept running from her.

It had been so long since you thought about that training so why were you thinking of it now of all times? You were putting your saddle on your horse so you could leave on a reconnaissance mission. “Y/n are you okay your crying?” Petra said as she walked over to you to hand your reins. You didn't know when you started crying or why. You dried your tears and took the reins from Petra ``yeah i’m okay I just thought of a friend who I haven't talked to for a while” you said sipping the leather on to your horse. She rubbed your back a little and asked if you wanted to talk about it “im okay Petra don't worry. I just think my friend is pretty mad at me.”  you walked alongside her leading your horses out of the stables and to the captain and the commander. As Erwin gave you all your orders you couldn't help but wonder if Annie really did hate you for leaving. Deep down you hoped she didn't or that at least one day she'd understand why you left.

As the scouts rode down to the gates you were riding between Hange and Levi. Scanning the crowds of people you searched for your friends and smiled when your eyes were met with Armin’s blue ones. You waved to them and promised to yourself that when you got home you'd congratulate all of them for graduating last night.

Levi had grumbled something about what someone from the crowd said. You didn't pay any mind to the dark haired man's grumbling until Hange told Levi to lighten up. “Oh Hange, leave the captain be you know no matter what his fans love that scary scowl he's too pretty to be scary to them” you said with a giggle. You weren't wrong anytime you were with Levi and someone said something about him; it always seemed to be comments about how strong he is or how handsome he is.  

Levi glared at you for your comment “can you two not act like the same person we only need one abnormal not two Y/n” he said as he turned away from you two.

 “Did he just call you a abnormal?” you asked Hange

 “yes yes he did”

“Rude”

Your mission wasn't going perfect or anything but it wasn't going horrible either. As expected many soldiers fell. You were in Hange’s section, always there to assist her or any comrades. You could fly around like Levi and take titans down like him too. Hange always thought you were like Levi in many ways not just because of your strength but because you felt strongly about all the  fallen soldiers you knew much like her did. But you were quick witted and smark like Erwin and in many ways you were like her as well. As you flew around a corner taking down a titan you told the two soldiers behind you to take down the ones behind the one you were going for. It was at times like this that Hange saw all of them in you and how they helped shape you into who you are. You were truly strong and one day she could see you being a commander like Erwin.

You thought you'd be out on this mission much longer but Erwin rode up to where you were and said you were pulling out and going back to the walls. “Titans are attacking the wall just like they did five years ago” Erwin said as you got on to your horse and went to Levi to get him and his squad as well.

As you rode back to the wall you began to feel sick. You were worried for your friends and god were you mad at the ones you used to call friends. You didn't understand how they could do this. They made friends here and made friends with the other scouts who they now were killing. You knew that this had to be their doing there was no other way trost could fall.

“y/n '' Erwin said as he let his horse slow down slightly to ride next to you. “Everything will be alright.” you didn't think you could see the panic on your face but then again Erwin knew you best. Maybe he just knew you were thinking about your friends. 

“I'm just concerned Commander,” you said, looking ahead of you. Trost was still quite far away. “I know  they're strong but I cherish them.” ''You're scared. You're acting just like you did during your first mission, ``Erwin said looking ahead of him. He started to remember that first mission. You were scared as could be and on the way back you rode on the back of Erwins horse. You could remember crying and hiding your face in his back so none of the others could hear your sobbing. Only you knew why you were truly crying. Your home did this to all those people. All those titans you had watched eat people and kill those soldiers were people once too. 

That night you spent in Hange’s room as she tried to help calm you. You cried to her about how you wished you could have saved them. Your comrades and anyone that have died because of the titans. 

 “Do I look that sacred?” you asked. The commander nodded as you took a deep breath. ‘They'll be alright’ you thought to yourself and loosened your grip on your reins not realizing how tight you were holding them until then. 

“Your friends are strong. I'm sure they'll be okay. I hear a few of them want to join us” Erwin’s horse began to pick up pace and so did yours. You could almost always be found riding back by Erwin or Petra. Petra had become like your sister and you held her dearly so riding back with her was comforting. It was the same when it came to Erwin as well. He was like a father to you.   You nodded and told him about how it's always been Eren’s goal to be a scout, how Mikasa was fast and strong like Levi and how Armin is a lot like him.  The two of you spoke in a hush tone for most of the ride back.

As you all approached the walls you did all you could to calm yourself. The hole that you saw was definitely done by the colossal you didn't understand Bertholdt but right now understanding him was your last priority. Right now all that mattered was saving the people. You'd have to try and understand them later. 

“Prepare yourself soldiers!” Erwin shouted. You heard Levi approach you. “Y/n follow me” he said, shooting himself over the wall. You followed right after standing on the back of your horse and shooting yourself over while the others went to another entrance to Wall Rose in order to join the rest of the garison and help save everyone. 

When you came over the wall out of the corner of your eye you saw the three you grew up with ripping something off of someone you had assumed that maybe their gear was damaged and they were taking a lost comrades to help them survive. That when you heard it. You heard yelling and watched as the three of them ran away from a now defenseless person. You debated going to the person but saw a titan coming near. You knew you couldn't save them no matter how badly you wanted to.

You landed on top of the boulder that was now placed in the wall to close the large hole. Levi took down two titans as you noticed your friends. sliding down the boulder yelling for them “Mikasa! Armin!” landing safely on your feet you ran to them“where's Eren?”  Armin lifted the boy a little to show you they had him. your eyes widened as you looked behind you then back at Armins arms. ‘You’ve got to be fucking kidding’ you thought. Grisha was a disgusting man. He did this to his son and you were just now realizing it. The mission that the three Marleyan’s were sent on was a mission to get Eren. “fuck” you mumbled quietly as Levi landed on top of a dead titan and told them to explain what hes looking at. 

 This couldn't be happening. Eren, one of your best friends, had been forced to be a titan shifter by his dad. What kind of man would do that to his son? When Eren was taken somewhere by the military police you decided to look for your other friends. When you found them all you were relieved that they were okay. You thought all of them were at least. You scanned the group again realizing someone was missing. You found all of them except Marco. Your heart sank. Maybe he was just injured or not nearby. You hoped and prayed the soldier you didn't go to try and save wasn't Marco. Yet after all the remaining titans in Trost were killed your heart broke as you found out it was Marco that they killed.

You didn't want to be the ones to find Marcos' body. But here you were standing next to Jean as he began to shake. You could barely understand jeans mumbling. “Jean, breathe please” you said, feeling a tear slip down your cheek. You looked over to the lady who was now asking for his name. Once Jean had told her and she walked away you wrapped your arms around Jean hugging him tightly. He didn't say anything and neither did you. He  wrapped his arms around your waist hugging you tightly. Marco was one of his best friends and he is gone now.

You decided to leave Jean with Connie and went looking for the three people you used to be so close with. You saw Annie staring at the ground and you tighten your hand into a fist and approached her as Reiner and Bertholdt walked over to her not knowing you were right there. “Leonhart!!” you shouted approaching the blonde. When her eyes met yours she was met with a look that was filled with anger. “You fucking bitch!” you shouted as you took a swing at her.

The hit never landed as Reiner caught your fist before you could hit Annie. “All three of you are horrible fucking people!” you shouted as you pulled your fist away from Reiner. “Y/n what are you talking about?” he asked as trying to approach you but you wouldn't let him get too close. You pulled away when he reached for you.

“How dare you! You killed Marco and god knows how many soldiers! You have no right to stand there and wear those jackets! Do you know how many people's blood is on all three of your hands? To many to fucking count!” luckily for them no one was around to hear your shouting. Reiner reached for you again trying to get you to stop yelling. You slapped his hand away “dont fucking touch me Reiner none of you fucking touch me” you looked over to Behrtolt “ and you how dare you break those walls! What the hell is wrong with you!!”

You of all people knew this was part of their mission. You should have been in Annie's shoes originally. You were supposed to be the female titan who was trying to go after Eren. Not her. Annie knew you knew she just didn't get why you were so upset. “Will you stop yelling y/n '' she said walking towards you.

You took a step back “I said dont touch me Annie.” you spat at her. Reiner grabbed one of your small hands with his  large one. “You know this is part of our mission Y/n'' Reiner knew he'd never be seen the same way by you now.  He was just trying to grab you to hug you. They killed Marco and it hurt him. He was friends with Marco and he helped kill him. It hurt. You could tell he regretted it but didn't care. 

“Don't you dare say my name you traitor” you said before looking at the other two marleyans “you are all murderers. I hope you know you killed an innocent boy and ruined the lives of hundreds of families even if you did take down any titans you're still murders” you said as you walked away in tears. You heard Reiner screaming your name and trying to follow you “stop following me Reiner or so help me god”

He grabbed your arm to stop you from walking away “no you disappeared for 2 years and those are the first words you say to all of us? It's been 5 damn years. Your marleyan to you know we had to. You killed titans y/n doesn't that make you just as bad as us?” 

“I may be marelyan but I'm nothing like you. You're the one who wouldn't go with me, you're the one who broke wall rose and my heart. You and those other two are the reason most of what they know as humanity is dead. You're the reason my friend is dead right now. I don't want to talk to you ever again. Leave me alone Reiner” you tried to yank your arm away but his grip was too strong.  “No i won't just leave you alone dammit come back home with us” you tried again to pull away from him “i'm never going back” you said as you slapped him. The red hand print forming on Reiner's face started to sting.

“Let her go Reiner , she doesn't want to talk to you so get your hands off her” Jean said as he and Connie began to walk over to you four. You hoped they hadn't heard too much of what you said. You may hate those three but  you feared Jean would hate you too if he knew. He smirked under the bandana wrapped around his face as he noticed the red hand print on reiners face.

Connie chuckled a little “damn she must have hit you hard” he said removing one of his long gloves and drying off your cheeks. You started crying again at some point. “Come on jean lets go” he said as he started to walk away with you. Jean shot Reiner a death stare for a moment before following after you two. 

“You okay y/n?” Jean asked as he wrapped an arm around you.  You nodded softly as the three of you walked somewhere you could sit and drink water. While the three of you sat you rested your head on Connie's shoulder as he ran his hand through your hair. It made you smile that those two were so kind to you and that they would do whatever they could to comfort you. 

That night you ate dinner with the now graduated cadets. You made sure to congratulate all of them. You gave Armin a little longer of a hug then everyone else. He was still so shaken up and he was worried about Eren. He had been taken into custody almost immediately.  Mikasa was shaken up but not like Armin was. When you congratulated Jean and Connie you gave them both a little kiss on the cheek as a thank you. You didn't notice the light blush on their cheeks. 

The following day the commander knocked on your door wanting to speak with you. When you heard the knock and opened the door you were a little concerned to why Erwin was there and so was levi. “Hi Erwin hi Levi” you said, setting down the book you were reading and letting them in.

They both sat at a little table in your room while you sat on your bed. “y/n we need to ask you some questions about doctor Yeager '' Erwin said  looking at you he seemed more serious than any other time the two of you talked. They spent quite a while speaking to you about Grisha and what you knew about the family. You didn't know much about him or what he did but you knew he had secrets and that not even Eren knew those secrets no one did other than Grisha. 

It was a few days later when you saw Erwin and Levi again they were walking past your room. You followed after them “Commander Erwin can I go with you and captain Levi to speak with Eren today” you asked approaching the two men.

The commander looked at you. When your eyes meet his blue ones you are met with a look that asks you for forgiveness. “I’m sorry y/n but I can’t allow that. Only Captain Levi and I can go'' you frowned softly as he spoke. You just want to ensure he was okay but you understood that because of what happened you can’t accompany them. 

“Is it alright if I go check on my other friends then?” You looked the shorter of the two and smiled softly as he nodded a quick yes. “Thanks guys let me know if erens okay please?”  Erwin smiled softly at you and nodded. He had seen you go through quite a bit so seeing you smile always made him feel a little happier. You had grown so much since they had saved you. All of them notice your growth. 

You couldn't find Hange that day either so you decided to spend the day with your friends from the 104th. Well at least the ones you could find Armin and Mikasa were nowhere to be found either.

You found the group after about 20 minutes of search and walked over to them “hey guys” you said sitting next to Sasha. “I brought a snack to share but don't tell captain Levi '' you took the treat out of your pocket and split it between you,Sasha, Jean, Connie, Christa and Ymir.

The group of cadets kept you distracted for most the day at least until you found out Eren's trial was today. That's why the commander wouldn't let you go see him. Even if he could let you, he was in the hands of the military police, not the scouts. You were glad to hear that Eren got placed in the custody of the scouts. Petra was the one who told you Eren got placed in their custody.

You spent days thinking about the memory you had about Annie. You had finally remembered why you started to cry that day. The day you finally started to beat Annie when you were training as kids was the day you two started to lose your connection. You kept beating her and the more you did the bigger the wall between the two of you got. 

“Annie come on race me please” you begged the blonde as you tried to get her to run with you instead of training with Bertholdt. “Fine but if i beat you i get the treat your mom packed you” she said. The two of you took off after that and before Bertholdt knew it you made it back before Annie.

That was so long ago now you were 10 when that happened and never thought it would have ruined your friendship. While you loved your friendship with her you were okay with it being gone now. Now you had Christa and Sasha to be your new friends so maybe things aren't all that bad.

It wasn long after that when you were able to see Eren again. Eren and Hange got to where the two titans known as Sawney and Bean where spouse to be being held but once they arrived both titans had been killed. You saw Eren with his hood up and waved to him a little. He didn't seem to be mad or anything, just confused. You were just glad to see he was safe.

You waited for your friends while they got their ODM gear checked to see who killed Sawney and Bean. so much was happening for them today. Not only did their ODM gear have to be checked today and they had to choose a regiment. Once all their gear was checked you walked with them to their headquarters and said goodbye for the day. You'd see them that night. They all seemed so distant and hurt but you knew these past few days were so hard. 

That night as Erwin stepped on to the stage to speak to the cadets you stood right beside him. Erwin was always so good with speeches and you knew even this speech despite what had happened a week ago he'd be able to pull some people to join the scouts. You just didn't expect him to bring up going on a mission to Eren's childhood home. You held up a map as Erwin spoke about one of your next missions. 

When Erwin said that anyone who wished to join other regiments may leave, you were surprised to see all of your friends standing in front of all of you. Jean didn't tell you he was going to join the scouts no one did. You knew Connie was going to. You were the first person he told before you went on your mission. Everyone who was in the top had wanted to join the MP that's what they told you yet here they were. “Well commander these numbers are much better than we thought aren't they?” you said before saluting with him. “Yes, these are much better numbers than expected.”

You weren't happy they all joined you knew what being a scout meant. Anytime you left the walls there was no promise you'd come back alive. You knew though that they'd do everything in their power to come back alive and so would you.  A few days later as you  watched your friends put on the scout uniforms brought you many feelings, dread, hope, fear, comfort and hope. You knew that they could save humanity and change the world. 

[alltheselights]

Hello🌝

Sorry if you’ve talked about this before, you get a bunch of asks, but as usual I’m curious of your opinion if you have any thoughts about the stark difference in harrys behavour in dwd VS mp promo and interviews? He’s been shreded to bits for the venice interviews and I saw people claiming he got media training between dwd and mp premiere which.. lol. But now in new york for dwd premiere he seems a little better but ✨quirky harry✨ is definitely back so..

Well, I actually don’t think the differences are as stark as some fans want people to believe - I think people are focusing in on one or two quotes from each event and ignoring everything else, honestly. Like Harry had some less great answers related to My Policeman and some great answers related to Don’t Worry Darling. He’s done a lot of rambling about both films.

That being said, I do agree that there is SOME difference, but I don’t think it’s not related to Harry caring more about My Policeman more or hating Olivia. Regardless of how Harry may feel about the film personally, I think Harry is a professional and I don’t believe that he would intentionally phone it in and make a joke out of those interviews. Harry is smart enough to realize (though the fandom doesn’t seem to be) that poor responses about DWD don’t reflect poorly on the film, they reflect poorly on Harry. I think most of his responses were unintentionally bad because he’s not used to having to actually answer questions and tends to ramble even on a good day, which is fine for a Rolling Stone interview where they take the best parts and publish them and fine for interviews where the audience is only fans who love him, but not great for a film press conference where the public and journalists are listening to your every word.

I think he’s been better in MP press is because he’s likely practiced more for it, and the main reason I think he’s practiced more for it is because sexuality is not a new topic for Harry and he’s been criticized about his treatment of sexuality for years. Harry has rarely faced backlash related to sexism or patriarchy or any of the themes prevalent in Don’t Worry Darling, but he’s been talking about and receiving backlash related to the topic of sexuality for YEARS now - most recently just a month or so ago with Rolling Stone. It’s been a pretty consistent topic in his interviews and a common criticism of him since his solo career began, but especially since the Fine Line era. I think it’s likely that both Harry and his team fully realized that he needed to have some answers prepared for questions on My Policeman because his failure in those interviews could be really disastrous for him. Like far beyond the lighthearted mocking he’s received for his responses in the DWD press conference and interview. Many people already believe Harry uses the ambiguity of his sexuality to further his career, and if he was also viewed as taking a role that could have been played by an LGBTQ+ actor and lacking understanding or respect for the character and the film, I mean....that would be VERY bad for him. I think that level of pressure is not there for DWD.

The other reason I think he’s prepared more for the MP promo is likely that My Policeman is just a much smaller film with less support, and Harry means much more to its success than he does to Don’t Worry Darling’s success. DWD has a famous director and numerous well-known actors featured, it has a major established studio behind it, and Harry is a supporting character rather than the lead. In contrast, My Policeman is a small budget film made by Amazon (which is not known for making good movies) with a cast of barely known actors and a limited theatrical release, and Harry is the titular role. Harry is essential to the film’s success. I think that’s the reason why Harry was papped on set every day and I think that’s the reason why Harry is going to give better answers about that movie. He knows his responsibility as the person who is significantly more famous than anyone else on that cast or crew, and I’m sure he is preparing for promo accordingly.

Those are my thoughts, anyway!

[nerdynuala]

hc/ oneshot of levi coaching hanji bc they were about to fight w the mp bc someone was making fun of them?

First off, I'm so so sorry anon I really took my sweet time with this one.

The thing is I don't usually write anything beside very random headcanons when inspiration hits lol

I've been debating whether to try this or redirect you to a fanfic writer's blog since I'm not confident about my writing and my English is kinda rubbish imo.

But yeah, in the end I gave it a try. Also, sorry Anon but I'm not sure if I got exactly what you were asking for, and I went full MP huge fight mode. And it's kinda turned into vets stuff. I still suggest you ask a writer to do this, there's many cool blogs out there who can do a much better job in half the time lol

Anyway, if you wanna read my poor attempt at writing, here it is.

Warning: just some swearing, she/her pronouns for Hange

"Look, if it isn't the crazy bitch from the Survey Corps" a man with a raspy voice barked.

Hange dreaded those meetings with the MPs, no one in the Survey Corps could stand them, to be honest, but still, they had to put up the façade and feign some civil behaviour for the sake of the Scouts and the funding. Hange was well aware she had trouble controlling her temper most of the times, and experience taught her that she couldn't stand the Military Police talking badly about her comrades.

She knew that Levi and herself together managed to make a few scenes before, and Erwin particularly stressed it every time before one of these meetings. "And please, please I beg all of you to refrain from making scenes or even talking back to anyone. We're there to make a good impression, we need funds and fo heaven's sake the last thing we need is for them to have an excuse to think even less of us and undermine our funds" he said every time, with a pointed look directed at Levi and Hange.

She turned and stared right at the Military Police man who was talking about her. She smiled and waved, "Yes, that would be me, it's a pleasure to meet you!".

Levi snorted at the facial expression the idiot made. He hoped that Hange brushing him off like that would settle it, but he had been to enough meetings to know it wasn't over at all.

"She probably didn't score high enough to get into the good Corps. That's what they do isn't it?" the man nudged a colleague in the chest, gesturing towards Hange.

"Aye, scoring shit and then ending up in some titan's mouth. They're replaceable anyway" the pug-faced man joined the teasing.

Levi could sense Hange tense next to him. He knew what she felt, he loathed hearing comments about his comrades just as much as she did.

She laughed it off, though. "Maan I would love to watch the insides of a Titan! What do we have to lose? Another cadet will score shit and they can take my place. Unless some of you feel the thrill of bravery once in your life and decide to join" she shrugged. "Who knows".

Levi knew this could only get worse. He tugged her sleeve. "Hange, come, let's join Mike and Erwin".

"My, my, if it isn't humanity strongest!"

"The underground scum you mean"

"No, no, he's a hero now, isn't he? Should've been thrown to prison and was rescued by Smith like a fucking stray dog"

Both men laughed, while others were gathering around.

"Shut the fuck up all of you!" Levi admitted to himself he would have snapped just like that, but Hange had anticipated him. His eyes went slightly wide for a moment, but then his lips briefly curled up in a small smirk upon seeing the fervor in Hange's brown orbs.

He would have loved to join her and teach a lesson to those morons, sure, but they promised Erwin.

He tugged again at her sleeve. "Oi, it's not worth our time, let's go".

The MPs laughed. "Only thing that's worth the time or your sorts is getting minced up by some stinky titan's mouth".

Hange tensed and she opened her mouth to strike back, but Levi gently made her turn to face him.

"Let's not get into trouble", he said, staring directly in her eyes.

"But Levi you should-"

"Yeah I want to break their fucking noses as much as you do. But we promised Erwin" he tugged once more.

The MPs laughed again, louder this time.

"Erwin Fucking Smith keeping his lapdogs tamed!" roared the pug-faced one.

"No wonder he needs to tame them" laughed another one with an annoying high-pitched voice, "look at the kind of lapdogs he got himself! One's a nutcase eager to step into a Titan's mouth, the other one is a pint-sized thug fetched straight from the filthy undergound" they all laughed. "I think we're missing one..." he feigned thinking hard, with a hand on his chin.

"What did you expect from the Survey Corps and Fucking Smith? That's the best he could get, to be fair" a black-haired man joined them.

"Not that he particularly cares..." he added with an unpleasant smirk "these are just chunks of meat he is more than willing to feed to titans, anyway".

That was it. That was just what drove Hange over the top and Levi knew it. He could feel her clenching her fist under his hand, he felt her muscles tremble. He looked at her, she was clenching her jaw, a fiery light in her eyes, cheeks slightly flushed. She briefly looked at him, and he didn't need words of any sorts. He let go of her arm and nodded.

Hange launched herself at the black-haired man and punched him on the jaw.

Everyone was shocked.

"Do you idiots have anything else to say?" She challenged them. "You can talk shit about me all you want, I don't give a damn, but show some respect to my comrades, people willing to DIE for your fat asses"

Levi watched her. She was scary, definitely scary when angry. He briefly smirked to himself, she had used one of the moves he taught her while sparring.

She suddenly grabbed the collar of the pug-faced man. She lifted her fist and the man flinched.

Levi approached her but he just glared at the MPs. "I won't restrain her, you called it".

He turned towards Hange. "If you punch him in the nose like I thaught you, you'll knock him out and fuck him up, but not enough to kill him".

"I know" she growled, but she clearly was trying to control her impulse to strike him.

The man had the courage to smirk. "Did Smith manage to tame the thug but not this nutcase of a weirdo?".

Hange hit him on front of his nose with the heel of her palm. He passed out instantly.

It was chaos, the other two men launched themselves against Hange. Levi announced "I've got your back, Hange" and the fight started getting bad. Levi's eyes were checking Hange all the time, he knew she could handle it but he resolved he would avoid risking her getting hurt.

Erwin, across the enourmous room, paled. He heard shouting and suddenly a group of people were hitting each other. Levi and Hange had been gone for a while, and he had a gut feeling they were right in the middle of it.

He was speaking to an important old man who may just want to fund the Corps if he worked him correctly, he couldn't leave him. Not now. Erwin subtly excused himself and fetched Mike, without getting more than two steps away from the man.

"Stop them" he whispered close to his ear.

Mike's eyes travelled to the corner of the room and took notice of the fight. He didn't see Hange and Levi since there were a lot of people gathered around, but he didn't need to see them to know they were there.

He stared at Erwin. "The two of them?" he whispered back, "You think I can stop the two of them? Are you nuts?".

"Just do something, please. I can't leave this one, he's going to fund us with some good amount of money" he clapped Mike's shoulder.

Mike sighed. "Fine" he said, murmuring something along the lines of "wish me luck" while he made his way to fetch his friends.

He sure had to admit he didn't think it was this bad. Hange was clearly having the upper hand and she was the one who was hitting the most.

He grabbed her from behind and lifted her up, gesturing to Levi to stop the fight and keep the opponents away. She kicked around and ended up elbowing him on the temple.

"Fuck" he hissed, gripping her waist tighter "Hange stop! It's me!".

Suddenly, Levi was on his side.

"Let go, Mike, I'll show them" Hange was struggling to get out of his arms, hitting him in the process.

"Levi do something! What the hell" he hissed again, getting frustrated.

Levi caught Hange's wrist and she looked at him. "That's enough, Hange" he said calmly and she sighed and tried calming down.

Hange's gaze lingered on the mess she and Levi made. Well, it was mostly Hange's doing.

Feeling her relax in his arms, Mike released her and let her again on the floor.

"Erwin's gonna kill the both of you" he looked around. His eyes stopping and widening as he took notice of the limp man on the floor, two of the MPs were lightly slapping his cheek. "Is he-?"

"Just passed out" Levi interrupted.

Mike sighed and rubbed a hand on his face.

"There's the lapdog we were missing" the man with the high-pitched voice chimed up. "The sniffing weirdo".

Mike smirked. He put a big hand on Hange's shoulder and turned her aroun. "Let's go, Hange. Levi" Levi nodded and started to follow him, when the man with the black hair spoke up again.

"I've always thought he is involved with Smith"

Mike laughed. "I sure love that man, but I don't think the nature of our relationship is any concern of yours"

"That explains why he's been around for so long. Smith doesn't want to feed him to a titan like the fucking rest of these idiots"

Hange turned around vehemetly, but Levi stopped her before she could speak. "That's enough, Hange, they weren't even worth our time to begin with" he said in merely more than a whisper.

Mike stopped in his tracks.

"I'll have you idiots know he's been around for so long because he's fucking capable of staying alive and keep his squad alive. I'd love to see some of you out there" Mike was surprised Levi interjected to defend him, but the insults towards his capability wasn't really what had bothered him.

"Listen here" he said, turning around to face them. "You can say all the shit you want about myself, but not a word about my friends or Erwin for that matter-"

They laughed. "Isn't it funny how they fucking defend him and the coward is just throwing them to their deaths instead?". The black-haired man roared with laughter "Fucking idiots".

Without warning, Mike punched one in the face and Hange punched the other on the nose, the loud crack all too telling as to what happened to the bones.

Mike sighed. "I guess Erwin can't kill the three of us in one go".

Levi walked closer to Hange. "You okay?".

She nodded and stared at him. "Thanks for trying to stop me. And for understanding I didn't-"

"Want to be stopped" he finished for her. "I get it. I'll always have your back, Hange, but let's be more careful next time. They weren't worth it and I don't want to risk you getting hurt".

She smiled. "I got carried away, but you saw I actually learned your moves?"

Levi smiled. "Yeah, we should work on them".

She nudged his arm "That's not true, they were perfect and you know it".

"Yes, they were perfect".

[after-avenging-hours]

Out of Time [4]: Steve x Reader

Series Masterlist with dates on chapter releases - tag list will not be used for this series

Summary:  After Steve gets injected with a mysterious substance during a mission gone wrong, you come to find out that the only thing that can save his life is a pure sample of Dr. Erskine’s Super Soldier Serum. Unwilling to let the love of your life die without a fighting chance, you travel through the quantum realm back to 1943. Equipped with little more than your knowledge of past events, you have to figure out just how exactly you’re going to get your hands on that serum. Not only that, but with the infinity stones no longer protecting the reality you’ve come from, there is now a chance that your presence in the past can change the future you’ll return to. Can you succeed without messing things up? And if things go wrong, can you fix it before it’s too late? Or will you run out of time…

Word Count: 4609

Warnings: Steve having an asthma attack, brief mention of smutty concepts again, two idiots longing for each other

A/N: This chapter references the song Taking a Chance on Love by Benny Goodman, which was a popular song in 1943. I decided not to use the Endgame song 1) because that’s Steve and Peggy’s song and 2) it was technically made in 1945 and therefore would not have existed, yet. You can give Taking a Chance on Love a listen via the links below:

Spotify Link

Youtube link

The next morning you wake up once again to Steve attempting to untangle himself from your limbs. You giggle tiredly, releasing him and turn over to cuddle with your pillow before you promptly fall back asleep. A little later, you’re roused once more by the scent of cooking bacon and eggs.

You push yourself out of bed and lift your arms up in a stretch. Your wound was completely healed as of last night, only leaving behind a set of scars on the side of your abdomen and lower back. You reach for the silk robe you’d pulled out of your suitcase the night before and throw it on over your satin nightgown. You tie the robe closed as you leave Steve’s room and enter the kitchen.

The splattering sound of hot bacon grease fills your ears as you follow its delicious scent. “Good morning,” you announce to Steve, who’s standing by the stove, spatula in hand. He’s already dressed for the day and wears a simple blue apron to protect his clothes from the popping grease.

“Morning. I hope you’re hungry,” he smiles in greeting.

“It smells amazing,” you comment, taking in another deep breath. Stepping around him, you move to the refrigerator. “Do you want any orange juice?” you ask, pulling the carton out that you’d purchased yesterday.

“Sure, thanks,” Steve agrees.

You pull two glasses from the cupboard, pouring out the drinks, before setting the carton back in the fridge. You place both glasses down at the table. The oven timer goes off and Steve is quick to put on a mitt and pull some of the left-over biscuits out, where he was re-heating them. He dishes out the biscuits, bacon, and eggs onto two plates and joins you at the table.

You smile and give him your thanks as you wait for him to take a seat. You spread your napkin over your lap and lift your fork into your hand, ready to consume the freshly prepared meal.

“You have any plans for today?” Steve asks you right before he takes a bite of his bacon.

“I need to check in with work. Will probably need to be there for a few hours.”

“Where are you working?”

Your lips curl in amusement at his seemingly innocent question. “Now what kind of agent would I be if I answered that?”

His cheeks flush in embarrassment. “Oh, right.”

You giggle teasingly and shake your head. “I’m kidding, Steve. I work for the Strategic Scientific Reserve and am currently overseeing one of our recruitment stations.”

His brow furrows as he pauses eating. “I don’t think I’ve heard of that.”

“It’s a joint-government agency dedicated to finding a way to end this war. You’re not supposed to have heard of it.” You grin wryly.

“Oh, I see.” He turns back to his food, spearing some eggs onto his fork, and takes a bite. “What are you doing at a recruitment station?”

You shrug a shoulder. “Looking for soldiers with a specific skill set.”

“Ah,” he scoffs. “And I take it that I wouldn’t qualify?”

You sit back in your seat, eyes washing over him as you think how to best play your cards. “Don’t sell yourself short. It’s all about convincing the right person. Unfortunately, I’m not the person you need to convince.”

He nods like he understands and he drops the topic, but you can tell he continues to mull over your words.

After breakfast has been consumed and cleaned up, you move back to Steve’s room to get ready for your day. You change into a new dress, going with another civilian outfit, even though your uniform is now clean and ready. You then move into the bathroom, fixing up your hair, and putting on your makeup.

Steve observes the whirlwind of activity that goes into a woman’s morning routine. He’s never really seen it up close before. He was too young to have remembered or have the care to know how his mother did it. Movies never really portrayed this side of the process, just showing the end result instead. He can hear you humming a melody he doesn’t recognize from the bathroom. Several minutes pass before you re-emerge, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“I better get going,” you murmur, walking toward him while looking at your watch. You come to a stop in front of him and lift your gaze to meet his. “Not sure how long I’ll be out for, but do you want to have dinner here again tonight?”

He nods his head quickly, “Yeah, that sounds good.”

The smile you give him makes his stomach flip. “Great. Then I’ll see you tonight.” You turn and head for the front door, pausing after pulling it open. “Oh, I grabbed my key, so if you’re going anywhere, you don’t need to worry about locking me out.”

“Okay.”

You send one more smile his way before wiggling your fingers in a small wave and taking your leave. The door shuts behind you with a soft click, but Steve continues to stand there staring at it for a moment. Every time you’re no longer in his presence he gets this strange feeling like he’s about to wake up from a dream.

-

You make your way back to the Expo, once again. You’ve got the Recruitment building in sight when you feel a presence behind you. Your muscles tense at the ready and as soon as you feel a hand land on your right shoulder, you react instantly. You reach up with your left hand, gripping the wrist of the hand on your shoulder tightly, you yank it forward. At the same time, you raise your right arm, bent at the elbow, and follow the length of the assailant’s arm up until your elbow meets their neck.

“Woah! Woah!” the man’s voice registers as soon as you’ve turned to meet his gaze.

“Mr. Stark!” You release him instantly. “Don’t you know it’s rude to sneak up on a woman?” you ask, placing a hand to your racing heart.

“Don’t think most of them have reactions quite like that,” he comments, rubbing at the base of his neck.

“Most of them don’t have the training that I have,” you shift from foot to foot, crossing your arms over your chest.

“I’ll have to keep that in mind.” He grins suggestively.

You want to roll your eyes. “What can I do for you, Mr. Stark?” you ask, trying to keep it professional.

He smirks knowingly, but steps back into line. “I just wanted to see how the recruitment has been going for you and the Doc.”

You release a long breath. “We’ve approved a small number of recruits for this next round of training, but we’re not completely confident that any of them are the one just yet.”

“I thought the whole point of sending them off to Camp Lehigh was to determine there whether or not they’re worthy.”

“How a person presents themselves as a civilian can provide just as much information as seeing them interact on a military base. We need to know all sides of their personality. It wouldn’t do us any good to give the serum to a man that will just go off and blindly kill anyone. If a man doesn’t respect innocent lives before being given any powers, then he sure as hell won’t respect them afterward. We need to know how they act as a person before we see them as a soldier.”

“I couldn’t have said it better myself,” the two of you look to see Dr. Erskine stepping out of the recruitment center.

“Good morning, Doctor,” you greet him with a smile.

“Are you harassing my assistant, again, Mr. Stark?” Erskine questions with an amused smile as he meets with the two of you.

Howard grins, unashamed. “Well, I certainly know better now. She nearly took my arm off.”

“You would have deserved it,” you defend yourself.

“I don’t doubt that,” Erskine chuckles.

Howard raises his hands up as if to proclaim his innocence. “I just wanted to see how everything was going for you and wanted to offer my services if I can be of any use.”

“Just make sure your show is ready for this weekend,” you tell him. “We’re hoping that the crowd it draws will bring some new faces to the recruitment center.”

“Oh, it’s ready, alright,” he responds confidently. “My show is going to blow the rest of this whole fair out of the water.”

You can’t help the smirk when you recall exactly what happens to his invention during the show from Steve’s stories. “I’m sure it will.”

“If that is all, Mr. Stark, we really must be getting back to work,” Erskine steps in.

“Of course,” Howard concedes, letting you both walk past to enter into the recruitment center.

“He’s certainly persistent,” you comment once you’re inside.

“I think that may be because you keep rejecting him. Howard Stark is not used to women that don’t fall at his feet.”

You shake your head and sigh. “I’ve already got more than enough going on with the man I left at home. I really don’t need to start a collection.”

Erskine laughs quietly. “I am still very much interested in meeting this man of yours.”

You send him a conspiratorial smile before walking off to begin your rounds and check in with the MPs that are on staff today. You make sure they’re all on the same page for watching the building’s perimeter and keeping the peace indoors before you send them on their way. The recruitment center is a little busier, considering it’s only Wednesday, but you figure it will only pick up even more, the closer you get to the weekend. Erskine has already told you that you should be prepared to work long hours over the weekend.

You help him interview a few of the morning recruitments before you grab a clipboard and tell him you’re going to scout around the crowds at the fair and see about sending more men over. You do what you can to keep up appearances and pretend like you’re enjoying what you’re doing. But in reality, both your head and heart are still at the apartment.

You can’t help but wonder what Steve is getting up to. Even though he’s not the same Steve as the one you fell in love with, you still find yourself enjoying being around him just as much. To be with him in this time, before he becomes burdened by the trauma of war and the responsibilities of becoming Captain America. Knowing the rough road that he faces, you just want to be able to give him a little bit of light to help brighten his path. Give him hope at a time where he may be beginning to lose it.

Once you’ve finished up with the Recruitment Center for the day, you eagerly head back home. You’re halfway up the metal stairs when the scent of something burning makes you pause. In the next second, you’re dashing up the rest of the steps and burst into the apartment. The burning scent only gets stronger and makes you cringe.

“Steve?” you call out

There’s a slight haze of smoke within the apartment and you can hear coughing. You rush into the kitchen, relieved to see the absence of open flames, but the smoke is definitely heavier in here. Something in a bread pan sits black on the stovetop. The oven door has been left wide open and you find Steve struggling to open the window above the kitchen sink. You quickly take over, popping the latch and yanking it open.

Steve continues coughing next to you and can’t seem to catch his breath. You grab his hand and hurry to get him down the hall and into his room, shutting the door behind you both. “What… are you doing?” he asks between wheezing breaths.

You guide him to sit on the edge of his bed. Then walk around to pull open the bedroom window, too. “The smoke is triggering an asthma attack,” you tell him moving back to kneel in front of him. “Sit up straight,” you encourage, trying to get him to stop hunching over. You reach to undo his tie and pop open the first few buttons of his shirt. “Steve, honey, you’ve gotta slow your breathing,” you tell him, worry dripping from your voice. He inhales and releases a series of coughs without truly exhaling.

You reach up, cupping his face in your hands. “Place your hands on your stomach and try to follow me.” You exaggerate your breaths, trying to make your exhale long and slow. You can tell that he’s trying, but his body just isn’t cooperating. With every cough comes a rapid inhale, and he just can’t make it stop. “Okay, okay,” you soothe, rubbing your thumbs over his cheeks. “I have an emergency inhaler in my med kit, but I need to go get it.” You move to stand. “I’ll be right back,” you assure him.

You step out of the bedroom, making sure to close the door immediately. You first step back into the living room to open the front window, hoping for a cross breeze to form with the kitchen window that will help air out the place. You then rush into the bathroom to grab your first aid kit and take it back to Steve’s room.

You kneel at his feet once more, opening the kit and search for the inhaler. You’d been carrying one ever since the battle of New York. The debris from the battle had cluttered the air in the city with ash and dust and you’d come across several civilians in need of assistance that couldn’t escape the battle area because of triggered asthma attacks. Since destruction had a way of following the Avengers around, your spare inhaler had come in handy on more than a few occasions.

“Oh, yes!” you mutter in success, pulling out the inhaler and handing it to Steve.

“What… is this?” he questions, confusion.

“Bite down on this end and close your lips around it, then press once on the top canister and breathe the air in through your mouth.” He does as you instruct, inhaling the medicine. “See if just that one helps,” you tell him, placing your hands reassuringly on his knees.

He continues to cough, not used to the feeling of the inhaler, but the coughs don’t sound quite as bad as before. His breath still continues to hitch, so you have him use the inhaler once more. After that, he’s finally able to release a full exhale. “There we go,” you encourage gently. “Nice and slow.”

He continues to huff, but no longer coughs. After another minute or so his breaths start to even out. “I think I’m okay,” he tells you. His chest still aches, but he no longer feels like every breath is going to be his last.

You release the stress in your shoulders with a long breath. “You scared me half to death.” Your hands rub absentmindedly over the tops of his thighs.

“Sorry,” he mutters, embarrassed, and not meeting your eyes. “I was trying to make meatloaf for our dinner, but while it was in the oven, I started sketching and I lost track of time.”

You send him one of your gentle smiles. “You don’t need to be sorry, Steve. I’m just glad you’re okay.” You give his knees a light squeeze before standing once more. “I’ll go deal with the meatloaf and get the remaining smoke out of the kitchen. Stay here and I’ll bring something to you. Are you okay if I just re-heat the soup from yesterday?”

He nods.

“Sit tight.” You press your lips to his forehead before turning to exit the room.

You can still smell the burning scent of the meatloaf, but the smoke haze has lessened inside the apartment. You close the open oven door and carefully test how hot the loaf tin is, finding it warm to the touch, but not burning hot. You grab a butter knife and attempt to extract the ashen meatloaf to dump into the trash can, and hopefully salvage the tin. It takes a bit of work because the meatloaf is basically a solid black brick, but eventually, you work it loose. You dump the tin into the sink and fill it with water to soak. You then transfer a portion of soup into a pot and start heating it up on the stove.

While that’s heating, you grab a cookie sheet and start waving it up and down to fan the last of the burning scent out the window. When you no longer smell burnt meatloaf, you put the cookie sheet away and stir the soup to make sure you won’t have a second burning fiasco on your hands. You close up the window, so the apartment won’t get too cold and move into the living room to close the window there, too.

After the soup is heated, you pour out two bowls and take them down the hallway to Steve’s room. You step in to find him exactly where you left him, on the edge of the bed. He’s leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees and his head hanging low. “You still feeling okay?” you question softly.

He inhales sharply and lifts his head. “Yeah,” he responds simply, but you can see the self-deprecation in his eyes.

“Well then, come on,” you encourage with a swift jerk of your head back toward the hall. You want to get him out of the dark bedroom in the hopes that coming out into the light might lift his spirits some.

He pushes himself up with a sigh and follows you out of the room, only to pause in confusion when you turn into the living room instead of continuing straight to the kitchen. “What are you doing?” he asks, confusion turning into curiosity.

“Having dinner on the couch,” you state like it’s obvious. You place one bowl on the end table next to an old lamp. “Take a seat,” you gesture Steve over. You hand the second bowl to him once he reaches you and then you make your way around him to the small bookshelf against the opposite wall.

He has an old radio sitting on top of the bookshelf. You twist the first knob to turn it on and adjust the volume. You carefully spin the second knob until you find a music station with minimal static. Once you’re satisfied, you turn to join Steve on the couch. You kick off your heels and sit with your legs folded under you as you grab your soup.

You lift the bowl closer to your face, so as not to spill anything when you lift your spoon up and blow gently at the hot soup. You pause before eating when you notice that Steve is just sitting there, staring at you. “What?” you question.

He continues to stare, looking a little flabbergasted as he shakes his head slowly. “You’ve got to be the strangest woman I’ve ever met,” he states frankly.

You feel the twitch in your cheek right before a full-on grin develops on your face. “I’ll take that as a compliment,” you laugh.

Steve’s cheeks flush a deep red. “Sorry, that came out rude.”

“No offense taken.” You shoot him a wink.

“But you’re not mad that I ruined our dinner?” he questions.

Your head tilts in confusion, “Why would I be mad?”

He drops his gaze. “Because I got distracted and let it burn. And then my asthma started up…”

“Steve, you can’t control your asthma,” you tell him.

“I know, I just… people tend to get mad at the things that inconvenience them.”

Your eyes widen, unsure if you really just heard him say that. “Steven Grant Rogers! You get that thought out of your head right now!” you chastise. “You are not an inconvenience. You are a person. A human being. A man who is kind and caring and sensitive... and you’re also stronger than you realize. You’re determined, and passionate, and yes, sometimes, you can be a bit of a stubborn jerk, but you are never an inconvenience. And if anyone ever tries to make you feel otherwise, well then you can send them my way and I will happily set them straight.”

He stares at you, open-mouthed, unsure what to say to that.

“Now stop staring at me and eat your soup,” you huff, turning back to your own bowl. “Your body needs to build back its strength.”

He’s quiet for a short moment, absorbing your words. “You’re sure I haven’t been an inconvenience?”

“Steve!” you’re about to go on another tirade but cut yourself off when you see the knowing smirk on his face.

“This is me being a stubborn jerk.”

You scoff out a laugh, shaking your head. “You’re a real pain in the ass, Rogers.”

He chuckles along with you. “I’m sure Bucky would agree with you.”

“Eat!” you insist between your laughter.

“I am!” he responds through a mouthful of potato soup.

The two of you eat in a joyful, relaxed silence, letting the music from the radio fill the space. Once you’re finished, you just set your bowl on the side table and sit back against the couch continuing to listen to the gentle, jazzy melodies. You and your Steve could spend hours sitting and listening to music together. It was one of your favorite ways to wind down after long missions. Sometimes you’d sit on the couch and read while Steve sat next to you, sketching. Other times, the two of you would just lay in bed, wrapped around each other for some solid cuddle time.

Steve only ever had one rule whenever the two of you listened to music together.

The current song on the radio ends and you immediately perk up when a familiar melody starts. It’s Taking a Chance on Love by Benny Goodman and Helen Forrest. The song begins with a series of trumpet bleats harmonizing with a clarinet. The uplifting beat has you rising onto your feet. “Come on!” you grin excitedly down at Steve and hold your hand out to him.

“What is it?” he asks in confusion, but still sets down his empty bowl and takes your hand.

You help him up and off the couch before pulling him into the middle of the living room. “The only rule is that we have to dance to this song.”

“Wha-” Steve’s steps falter behind you. “Vic, I-I don’t dance.”

You give him a sweet laugh, turning to face him. You hold each of his hands in yours and start to sway your hips to the rhythm of the song. “I’m not looking to win any awards, Rogers. Just have fun with me!”

As the melody evens out, you transition to swaying from side to side. Stepping closer to him, you set his right hand against your hip and rest your own on his shoulder. As you continue to sway, he’s forced to join you because of your proximity. You smile encouragingly until he begins to relax.

Here I go again, I hear those trumpets blow again.

All aglow again, taking a chance on love.

He slowly eases into it. Whether it’s because he’s just giving into you or because he’s actually enjoying himself, you’re not quite sure.

Here I slide again, about to take that ride again.

Starry-eyed again, taking a chance on love.

You find yourself singing along to the lyrics. You’ve heard the song hundreds of times throughout your relationship with Steve. You know just about every note by heart. Every time it plays, it never fails to make you fall in love with him just a little more. You’re pretty sure you first realized that you were in love with him while the two of you danced to this song.

I thought that cards were a frame-up, I never would try.

Now I'm taking that game up and the ace of hearts is high.

The first time you ever heard it, the two of you had been newly dating, lounging in the common area of the compound. You were just enjoying each other’s company while Steve had a playlist going on the surround sound speakers. When this song popped up, Steve had given you the biggest puppy eyes you’d ever seen on him and he asked if you wanted to dance. You’d giggled like a giddy school girl and agreed. He’d pulled your body tight against his, swaying gently and softly sang the lyrics directly into your ear.

Things are mending now, I see a rainbow blending now.

We'll have a happy ending now, taking a chance on love.

From that point on, no matter what the two of you were doing, if this song came on, you both would drop everything and share a dance. You’ve left half-finished mission reports, vegetables only partially chopped, water boiling on the stove… all so the two of you could dance like two idiots in love. There was even one time when a music listening-cuddle session had transitioned from heavily making out into foreplay, but when this song came on from Steve’s docking station, he’d given you a wicked grin and pulled you out of bed, not even caring that you were both naked as the day you were born. You’d protested something fierce, having been so close to release via his ridiculously thick tongue, but he’d stubbornly refused your pleas and ignored the ache in his loins where it rubbed against your hip. Instead, he made you dance through the whole song before letting you both continue where you’d left off.

You’re pulled out of your memories when the Steve you’re currently with grows a little bolder with his dance moves and guides you into a spin. You laugh freely, following his lead. You push out until your arms are fully extended and then let him twirl you back in, coming to a stop with your back to his chest. The two of you sway like that for a moment before you twirl out again and he pulls you back, now facing each other. Your hand settles on his shoulder once again, while his lands at the center of your back, bringing you in closer than before.

He’s grinning so wide, you can’t help but match his expression. The stress and shame that had been weighing on him earlier have vanished without a trace. He looks free and happy. Content to hold you in his arms and dance the night away in his tiny apartment. As the song comes to an end, the two of you slow your swaying. Even after just the one song, his breathing is a little heavier than it should be. Likely because of his recent asthma attack.

“There, was that so bad?” you ask gently.

He looks back at you, his features softening serenely. “Could have been worse. At least I didn’t step on you.”

You release a small giggle, leaning in to place a chaste kiss to his cheek. You then pull out of his hold and turn to take your empty bowls into the kitchen. You know if you were to stay in his arms for a moment longer you were going to lose all control and would probably end up throwing yourself at him.

Steve watches you leave the room, a sense of longing building deep in his gut. He’s never felt this way about anyone before. And he’s not entirely sure what to do about it.

Part 5

[peakascum]

The Room Where It Happens

Request for: @slither-in-a-half I know this is a bit different than what you asked for and it’s way different than what I originally intended to write, but I really do hope you enjoy it!

Two politicians stand on opposites sides of each other for a Charity event, something to do with children or painting the Parliment’s ceiling. Thomas Shelby sips a chilled Merlot as he eyes the posh MP’s that mingle alongside him, noses turned up and head in their ass. In front of him lurks another MP, a much snobbier one at that, whom galavants his wife like a bloody medal. You don’t mind, at least not publicly. Always playing the trophy wife, always sporting a smile, always curtsying a ‘What a lovely evening’. Thomas knows he’s playing a dangerous game as he eyes your cherry red lips gulp down yet another glass. It’s the urgency in which you consume the devil’s drink that always catches his attention. He knows how soft your hands are and how delicately you maneuver them from the countless times you've touched his.

The condition of being stuck in a loveless marriage would drive anyone mad. Add a little bit of brute force and a make-believe smile, and that would be enough to send cries for help. Which you had done so on several occasions, but no one took them seriously; instead, they deemed you as a bored housewife. You had heard the tales, everyone had, of the countless wives of esteemed families that suddenly had public outbursts which were deemed as hysterical. You were familiar with the stories, about Mrs. Dormer’s dull complexion and Mrs. Hastings’ scarred wrists, all whispers of misfortune were now your reality. 

Tommy and your husband had never seen eye to eye on any particular topic. Both were stubborn men who belonged to different political parties and lived completely different realities. Your husband was born with a silver spoon in hand while Tommy built his kingdom out of wooden sticks and cut stones. But those eyes, those adoring blue eyes wrapped you in from the first time they met. It started with stolen glances and escalated to a passionate night shared in his office as you delivered some papers on behalf of your husband. He decided you had the loveliest broken smile he had ever seen. The most delicate laugh and the wittiest humor, one he would not mind hearing time and time again. 

‘Did you listen to a word I said Mr. Shelby?’

‘I- I don’t believe I did, no.’ He remarked, clearing his throat.

She smirked. ‘I-I-I’ She mocked. ‘Stuttering is for children and tight-lipped fools. Are you a fool Mr. Shelby?’

You exhaled words of pleasure in each others ears. Bodies molding together like clay and fingertips eager to explore. Exhaustion came after and a simple kiss was placed upon his lover’s lips as if it were already a routine. Both clinging to the affection you so desperately craved.

Months of passion were spent in secrecy up until the moment your husband caught on, almost crushing your wind pipe and blinding you out of rage. Not because he loved you, oh no, but because he craved power and dominance. A poor little rich boy does not share. So when the venue and seating were arranged for the gala he made sure to have Thomas Shelby in front of him, to taunt you, to dangle his prized possession in his  opponent's face. To give you a glimpse into the life you wanted, yet gripping your thigh beneath the table as if saying ‘Don’t you dare’. 

The torrid affair you shared with the Shelby man had ended a few weeks prior with a handwritten letter, but your absence from such events told him what he couldn't decipher from your words. 

‘Dear sir, 

It is with a heavy heart that I write this letter. I hope you understand my reason for ending this relationship. I love my husband, you see, and the idea of breaking this marriage is enough to make my heart weep. My whorish ways have brought misery to my house, but be not alarmed by this, for my husband is very generous and will gladly offer you a sum of money for your silence. You must excuse my behavior these past few months and, therefore, understand the severity of the situation. 

Best wishes, Y/N.’

The letter sat in his pocket weighing heavily against the floor. He rejected the money, of course, but it didn't save his heart from breaking any further, and his mind from wandering to the atrocious acts your husband performed out of hatred. Thomas was a dangerous man, but your husband was worse, and his wrath would treble his political career, crease his business, and ruin his family. Polly had warned him many times about the dangers of thinking with his cock, but it was more than that. Arthur had payed for other whores to keep him company, but he could bed no other. It was the way you said his name in wonder whenever you saw each other after weeks apart. You were a wondrous creature shrouded in a mysterious, yet inviting, aura. One who sported a smile, such a sweet smile on those cherry red lips that made his own twitch and heart clench. 

It was the way you grimaced as your husband squeezed your arm that made his feet have a life of their own. He marched confidently up to you both, eyeing him with brutality, but switching to you with softness. Your eyes widened pleadingly at him to stop, to stop at once, to turn around and save himself from trouble. 

“Ah Mr. Shelby, what a pleasant surprise.” Your husband said, sporting a tight smile and a poised stance. Tommy nodded, “Mr. Crooke, Mr.s- Crooke”. Your eyes bore daggers into his. Your husband shook his hand firmly in a weak attempt to exhume further dominance, when, in truth, all of them knew who really owned the room. 

“Excuse my wife’s appearance, say. She’s not been her best these past few weeks, isn't that right darling?” Your husband said as he ran the back of his index finger gently over your cheek. Your once shimmering eyes appeared lifeless under the yellowish glare of the chandelier- a shell of the woman you had been, the woman you should be. “Wonder why that is sir,” Tommy bit back. Your husband chuckled, “You’re a bold man Mr. Shelby.” The men stared down at each other down as men tend to do.

“So they say.” Tommy replied.

“You've caught my attention, Mr. Shelby,” your husband started, “and in a most ill-manner may I add.” Tommy quirked a brow and urged him to go on. “Mr. Shelby I do not think it is in anyone’s best interest for me to comment on my wife’s extra curricular, is it not?” Your posture remained stoic, eyes trained to the expensive champagne in your hand praying that somehow you could shrink ten sizes and bathe in it. Stretch your arms and do laps on the clear glasses that British aristocracy drank in sighs and content giggles. You had silly daydreams like these. Some not so silly. Ones drenched in crimson liquid as if you were a butcher at the end of your shift, only to look around and see your husband’s body displayed in all his fat glory. 

You sucked in a breath and uttered, “Gentlemen you must excuse me, I need to use the powder room.” Your husbands hand stopped gripped your forearm as you made your exit, “Don’t be long dear.” He uttered menacingly. 

You leaned up against the green wall that lead to a long corridor, away from prying eyes and the clink of heels against expensive tiles. Lungs heavy, hands trembling, and mouth parting like a fish out of water. You felt foolish. You had lived years below your husband’s scrutinizing thumb, surrounded by words of empty headed strangers on how lucky you were to have married such a bright and clever man. A man who rejoiced at the sight of her trembling figure and got off on her agonizing screams that left her feeling like a vegetable for days. A man who curiously spit false facts with such emotion that caught the ears of the rich and the weak. And then she met him. And then life ripped that away. 

As if on cue, Tommy hurried towards her with that ever prominent scowl on his face, “Y/N, love-“

“No! No Tommy we cannot speak!” She pushed his hands away, further encouraging the scowl to become two tattooed lines in between his eyes. “Listen to me Y/N, stop fighting and fuckin’ listen ey?” He grabbed her trembling hands in his careful not to hurt her further. “What? What could possibly be so important to tell me right now that would make tonight’s punishment worth it?” You growled in contempt. 

“In about three minutes I will go into a room with your husband to bargain your freedom.” He grabbed your plum face in his hands, urging for your eyes to meet, for a reassurance, a peace of mind, a promise.

“He won’t give me up Tommy, he won’t.” You noticed his eyes waiver in a way that only a heartbreak could cause. They were filled with urgency, a sense of dread, because how could you not trust him? How could you not see that everything he is and everything he does is for you? 

“The greatest grief in my life will come if I leave you in the hands of that monster. All of this,” he said gesturing around him, “all of this is collateral, Y/N. I’ve accepted that risk of dying, I do it every day for stupid shit Y/N, for really stupid shit.”

“Oh God! Oh God!” You moaned, crying in despair. You shook your head as tears coated your frosted cheeks, unable to comprehend the thought of freedom and actual love. 

The orchestra started playing in the dining hall soliciting the guest’s attention to a melodic grace. The violins struck their cords in an unruly manner, insisting on being heard. Your husband whistled as he came toward you both making you separate. “Mr. Shelby, I believe we have pressing matters to attend?” He said. In his shifty brown eyes lied an expression you could not read. And so both men entered the room with the big fireplace and oak chairs. The mahogany door closed with a thud that coincidentally resonated beautifully with the melodic sound of the band. 

The doors opened just as quickly as they had closed. Or had the hours flown by? You couldn't tell. In the torturous time you had been left outside, a small crowd had gathered around you. Whispers of ‘mistress’ and ‘foes’ and ‘ruins’ had been said, but most just repeated the few phrases that could be heard from inside the room. The two politicians stepped out having reached a mutual decision. One having lost a sum of money that would leave him in financial ruin for the rest of his life. The other with promised assets that would change his family’s fortune and the value of his name. 

Your eyes met the Shelby’s blue ones, a smirk adorning his features as he stared at you. His woman. “Now, what’s this I hear about you doubting me love?” He murmured. You shook your head in disbelief, a small smile itching to be seen as your eyes darted over to your husband. “I don’t- I don’t get it Tommy, what did you do?” You asked grasping the lapels of his evening suit. Your hands tugging and caressing them ceremoniously as anxious tears pooled in your eyes. 

“Don’t concern yourself with business Y/N-“

“No! No, I will most certainly concern myself with business. Business that involves me. Business that has a means to freedom and life- a life Tommy, a-a life without fear.” She insisted, but he only smiled and kissed her lips gently, ignoring the ever growing fight that surrounded them. Your husband had drawn a gun in contempt, only to be tackled by Tommy’s men. He never was quick on his feet. 

*

It happened months later in the middle of an uncertain spring, when his face popped in your mind again. You had seen him in the shadows and in every drunk that passed you in the street. You saw him beneath the knife of the butcher, when rain fell from parted skies, and in the ominous sound violins made when played. But worst of all, you had seen his face in Arthur Shelby’s as he screamed at you yet again for getting in his way. Most of the family had accepted your relationship, as they pitied your cold sweats and silent demeanor, but mostly because the deal didn't ruin the Shelby empire. 

Once home, you stared aimlessly at the crackling fire, allowing the warmth to envelope you like a protective hug. Tommy made his way towards your figure and sat cross legged, whisky in hand. “Where’s your mind today, bird?” He whispered, tenderly stroking your pinned hair. 

“Thinking about the night my husband sold me like cattle.” Tommy side eyed you, clearly tense about the topic. “Did he?” you pressed again, “no one’s ever told me anything about it. I know we technically won, b- but Arthur’s been up my arse again and I can’t, not for the life of me, continue to be a prisoner of utterly worthless and untrue remarks!” She grew agitated withe very word, but all were true, and he knew this. His hand continued rubbing circles in the back of her neck and chuckle, a small one, escaped his lips. 

“Do you take me for a fool Tommy? Because I assure-“

“I don’t.” He cut her off. “You're no fool. I think you've proven that a few times now, right? You weren't a fool when you were with him and you're not one now.” 

“Then what, Tommy? What could have possibly been said that guaranteed my freedom and his ruin?”

He sighed sensing her desperation, but he couldn't possibly tell her. In fact, he hadn't even told his family. Arthur’s distaste for Y/N was shrouded in mystery itself, more so a rendition of the protective older brother, a one man play. Any other man would have disclosed the information to a close confidant, but not Tommy- never Tommy. It is why under the fire’s glow and the tenderness of your flesh beneath his fingers, he promised himself yet again to never speak a word of it to anyone, not even you. It would remain an active memory buried in the inner, darkest corners of his mind. Each time he visited Mr. Crooke, in a most disclosed location, he would remember to discard the clothing used and have an alibi prepared. A pesky little thing he was, a washed up creature that would receive every punishment he gave;  but no one should know, least of all her, because just like that night, no one else was in the room where it happened. No one knew the words that were spoken or how the deal was made. 

Only assumptions were made. And with one last stroke of the cheek and a light kiss to the lips, Thomas Shelby and Y/N stood up in silent agreement and retired to their newly marital bed. 

[kkurainmyheart]

This was a Old Jeanpiku 104th cadets au twitter thread, so it may not make much sense.

Jean's second day in the army was the first day Jean saw Pieck Finger. The girl had gone unnoticed in the presentation of the recruits, It wasn't until Marco told him "Jean, I want to introduce you to Pieck" that he noticed her. The girl was small, with gray eyes and black hair in a ponytail. She looked friendly and calm, she came from a small town that was completely destroyed in the fall of Maria and she only had one living relative, her lovely grandmother.

Pieck, Marco and Jean shared joining the army to be MP and have a better life, so it wasn't hard for them to be friends. Jean fell in love with Mikasa and Marco, Marco began to feel things for his little friend and She seemed to reciprocate his feelings.

Marco and Pieck were two birds in love, they both sat together to eat, they both put their sleeping bags together, they both smiled shyly, but neither of them confessed their feelings. Jean began to feel jealous, displaced.

Marco was his friend first, Marco supported him and believed that Jean would be a great leader; Jean was also jealous for not being able to have that kind of relationship with Mikasa so Jean and Pieck's relationship became competitive, they became distant. So the omelettes that Jean's mother sent them were only for Marco and Jean. The apples Pieck's grandmother gave them every week were only for Pieck and Marco; and Marco tried to fix this, he really did but Pieck and Jean were stubborn and proud.

Then the day to reveal the positions came and Pieck was 5th, just above Eren, Jean and Marco and although Jean was happy, the fact that Pieck was getting over it once again bothered him because now there would be no way to separate her from Marco and he never did. Rose Wall fell and many soldiers were lost. As they collected the bodies from the streets, Jean watched Pieck paralyzed; as he approached she hugged him then he notice why, they no longer had to fight, both had lost, they both had lost Marco and it was something that both hurt deeply.

Pieck and Jean sat together to watch Marco's body burn, When Jean stood in front of Erwin Smith to join the SC, Pieck stood next to him; when Jean cried because he missed his bestfriend, Pieck also cried with him while holding his hand.

So Annie betrayed them and it was painful; then Pieck's granny died and it was painful; then Ymir, Reiner and Berthold betrayed them and it was painful. And one pain came after another and that only made Jean and Pieck become more friends than ever; and it was Jean who brought her sleeping bag closer to Pieck's; And it was Pieck who stole food with Sasha and joked with Connie; and it was Jean who told Pieck about Mikasa and it was Pieck who happened to be the object of desire of the other soldiers.

And it was Mikasa who always defended Eren and it was Pieck who always defended Jean; it was Jean who was transferred to the Levi squad; And it was Pieck who became a member of the Hange squad. but still they both stayed close. Both were there when Historia ascended the throne and both celebrated for the last time before leaving for the battle of Shiganshina. And that morning before leaving Jean stopped Pieck in the corridor, because everything was the same but at the same time everything was different, and the friendship that Jean felt had been exchanged for deeper feelings. because it was Pieck the girl that Jean drew and it was Pieck the girl with dark hair that Jean had fallen in love, and he had to say it, because in this battle he could die and he didn't want to die like Marco, he didn't want to die without telling Pieck how he felt about her. But thinking about Marco made him feel like a traitor, Marco love Pieck first. So when she looked at him with her pretty eyes and her beautiful smile the words didn't come out of Jean's mouth. He just hugged her and said: "survive". They would both return from shiganshina and Jean would confess properly. Jean came back with a heart as heavy as when he left.

Because Pieck didn't return, Pieck was burned with her entire squad just like Marco's ashes. And Jean had nothing to remember her more than the lock of hair that he kept when she asked him to help cut it. they had many casualties, the only thing that increased was the enemies, enemies like the people who lived on the other side of the sea or like the quadruped titan that arrived just in time to save Reiner and the beast titan. and Jean lived like this, with the pain of losing someone he loved.

Then the yeager brothers took control of things, and Jean became an officer like Pieck and Marco always believed it would happen, and with his first salary he put a tombstone in they honor, a symbolic tombstone in the middle of a field of lavender and daisies for his two dearest friends. Friends who flew together through the blue of the sky, friends who once again left Jean behind and that made him cry with rage. Then Jean buried those feelings how they were burned ; So he cared for Mikasa, he cared for Connie, he cared for Sasha and he cared for Armin.

And they infiltrated Marley, and that was the worst for Jean because she didn't just see Pieck in his dreams. Dreams where he asked her to marry him and leave the military life, where she became a lovable mother and waited for him to return from the battlefield. Jean also started seeing Pieck on the streets of Marley, and saw her surrounded by a squad of men, and he saw her buying vegetables from the hand of that kind old man, and he heard her laugh singing in the corners. and Jean thought he went crazy and he didn't tell anyone, but when he really went crazy it was in the assault on Liberio. Almost killed a little boy! then from the cart titan he swears he saw Pieck emerge, But it was a game of his crazy mind, Pieck was dead, it was Pieck's spirit that had appeared to tell him not to lose his humanity so Jean again didn't say anything. He didn't say anything when Sasha died, he didn't say anything when Eren betrayed them and they were locked up, he didn't say anything when the walls fell, he didn't say anything when Hange asked him to join the alliance, Jean couldn't say anything when Hange told him and Mikasa that Pieck Finger was alive and was the Cart Titan.

Then he shot 4 times, and was swallowed and spat by the same woman who swallowed his heart and spit it back; and he felt disgusted, used, even more than when Annie, Reiner, Berthold or Eren betrayed him. Jean felt disgusted because he still loved Pieck,and he was happy that she was alive, but he knew he shouldn't feel that way, he should hate her for lying to them, so Jean thought of Marco, his poor friend who died loving this woman, believing that she was a good person, and she just played with his heart.

Pieck played with Marco's feelings and as if that wasn't enough, she played on Jean's feelings, and what angered Jean the most was that he knew that if he saw Pieck again he would forgive her for everything but Pieck didn't want to get off her titan. Pieck was like a caterpillar hiding in its chrysalis, and like a butterfly she emerged in the middle of the night when she heard the truth from Reiner's mouth. the atmosphere was tense enough when Yelena spoke. She mentioned Marco and it was then that Jean learned the cruel truth. If Annie and Reiner had killed Marco , Pieck did too. Reiner said

"sorry"

but jean didn't want an apology, then Reiner said

"sorry"

again and Jean just wanted him to shut up.

And Jean wanted to say it but then he notice that Pieck was standing next to him like so many times before, and she was crying just like that day where they both saw Marco's ashes burn.

"sorry for not telling you this sooner, Pieck "

And Jean knew that Reiner's apologies weren't for him. Jean looked at Pieck for the first time in many years before hitting Reiner. All the hate and words accumulated in years coming out of his fists. Then he just sank into the woods, he needed some mental peace. He stopped under the tree that let the dew of the night fall through its leaves. The night still had stars shining in the sky, before he liked to think that the three brightest were Marco, Sasha and Pieck. Now Pieck didn't have a star She couldn't have a star because she had sat next to him and was looking at him seriously.

"I don't want to hear your apologies " he told her.

"I didn't come to apologize, it would be to regret what I did and I don't, I just want you to hear a story"

Then Jean listened, looking ahead and his knees on his chest. He listened to everything she had to say.

He hear how she started her training to save her father; how She inherited her titan and lost Marcel before reaching the walls. Marcel who was her best friend and she liked him so much. How she fought with Reiner and separated from the group to work in the cereal fields. That the kind old woman that Jean and Marco knew as Pieck's grandmother, who sent them apples and bread she had adopted Pieck because she had also lost her family in the fall of Maria. That Pieck really suffered with her death because her mother died when she was born and that granny was the only mother she knew.

Jean wanted to tell her that his mother was still mourning her loss.

"Pikku would have been an excellent wife for you Jeanbo"

but Jean only pursed his lips and fists. Then Pieck told him about how he and Marco had become important to her. That the first one who fell in love was her, Marco was an angel who had left the world very soon, the fear of losing the people she loved took hold of her when she found Marco's body. Pieck didn't say it, but she knew Jean understood. Jean understood her pain and also understood that she had nothing to do with the death of her dear friend. and also Pieck knew that Jean understood why she didn't regret what she had done. Because the reason she and Jean argued in their teens days it was because they were both the same, and both understood the circumstances of the war and the sacrifices they had to make, they needed the balance that Marco caused in their lives, It was paradoxical that this balance was found with his death.

Pieck fell silent once her heart poured out her feelings, she needed a cigarette or two or three. she matched her breathing with his, it was then that she felt the big hand taking hers and then still in silence they both cried, they cried because they understood; they cried because they had been lost for so long and they had found each other again, to get lost again in a war that would only end with the extermination of humanity or their own deaths, whichever came first. And for the first time in years that night Jean brought his sleeping bag closer to Pieck's, and he slept with her little hand in his. and in the morning when they left the woods he had not spoken to her yet, but still he felt closer to her than ever.

They protected each other to get that ship back. And when they were on board that ship heading for the unknown, maybe heading to its end . Jean decided to talk. And he take Pieck's hand and drag her to the deck of the ship and the moon looked as beautiful as her eyes and her black hair was as black as the sky and maybe it was the alcohol he drank with Connie and Reiner or just his feelings on the surface. and maybe he just wanted to tuck Pieck's hair behind her beautiful ears. And maybe he should have said something and work things out but he couldn't, he couldn't even knowing that in a few hours, in a day or 2 he or she could die. but unlike that day before going to Shiganshina he didn't tell her "survive". Jean took Pieck Finger's face and kissed her.

He kissed her lips for the first time. At 19, Jean was giving his first kiss to the woman he loved and had loved, the woman he considered dead until a few days ago, Jean gave his first kiss in the middle of a war that could kill them and this first kiss could be the last then Jean kissed her again, and he kissed her again and she kissed him back. and again and again. and when he realized that kisses weren't enough to remember her until his last breath, he looked into her eyes, searching for an answer,without words they didn't need any more words because with or without words Jean Kirstein knew he loved Pieck Finger and if he died tomorrow he wanted her to be the last thing in his thought, in his mouth, in his heart. but did Pieck Finger love Jean Kirstein? Did she ever even like him?

Then she silently took his hand and brought it to her chest and he could feel her racing heartbeat and he got it. Pieck still held Jean's hand when they went down to the cabins and still held her hand as they searched for an empty one and he held her hand stronger when they were alone in the dark. and he kissed her again and held her hand all night, because his life was too short, his life could end in a few hours and he didn't want to go to the grave without loving her.

And they burned together but this time they didn't turn to ashes. And when the sun came out announcing the morning they were reborn. And Jean swore this time to protect her and live all his dreams with her once this was over. and Pieck promised herself that if this time she truly died, she would do so in the arms of the man in front of her. So they got on that plane and they fought that battle, and they protected each other but it wasn't enough.

it wasn't enough because the enemy seemed invincible and they both made decisions that no one else wanted to make. and when they were on earth after fighting in heaven, in hell unleashed, Jean watched as Pieck clung to that man who looked like her and he remembered his own mother and wondered what she was doing; but the battle was not over yet and when Jean realized that his destiny was extinguished there he didn't cry. It was strange, since he joined the SC he saw people cry and scream when dying then in that innocence of youth he thought he would do the same when his time would come; Marco had cried and screamed? but here he was, standing firm, watching the woman he loved being dragged into battle, Jean saw and heard Pieck cry but all he did was look into her eyes because this was not a goodbye,he would meet Marco first and then Pieck and then Pieck would join them and maybe Jean would have to explain many things to his freckled friend, things like: he fell in love with the woman that Marco loved too.

but he didn't care, Marco could hit him and he would still be in love and happy, the three of them would be together again, and he would also meet Sasha, and Connie who expected the same fate as him. The electricity ran through his body but in his mind his last thought was Pieck and when he woke up after that dream his concern was Pieck and maybe a little the world. Because Eren, without consulting them, had left them a mission and while they watched how Armin blamed himself by becoming a slave to politics and foreign relations his left arm hugged Connie, and his eyes were on Armin and his thoughts were on Mikasa, while his right hand and his heart were with Pieck.

Because they were his family and after Eren, Jean didn't want to lose anyone else, not even Captain Levi or Falco and Gabi and although it was difficult for him to admit it, he didn't want to lose that idiot Reiner or the unfriendly Annie, because they had all been pawns in a war that they didn't start, but they had the good fortune to finish or so they hoped and surviving locked in the walls was difficult, and surviving with what was left of humanity was also difficult, so their time as ambassadors was even more difficult but they endured it. They put up with it because they were together the same thing had happened and they understood each other; and during those three years Jean met Pieck's father, and after those three years Pieck was reunited with Jean's mother. Jean and Pieck brought flowers to Marco's grave while Pieck and Jean held hands, the sun illuminated them and the daisies were blooming more beautiful than ever and they knew that he was happy for them. And their hands never parted, They spoke and forgave each other, although there was nothing to forgive.

And the sun shone again the day Pieck and Jean were married. And the daisies bloomed beautifully the day they welcomed their first child. A beautiful boy with amber eyes and black hair, a child whose name was not discussed because they knew that Marco had returned to them and this time forever.

[writingandmore]

Hello there! May I please get a Bungou Stray Dogs, Obey Me, Into The Spider-verse, Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, and Monster Prom matchup? I’m an ENFJ-T, Leo, 2w3, demifemale who’s bisexual with male preference. Personality wise, I’m very kind, funny, friendly, intelligent, and honest. It’s easy for me to connect with people from various backgrounds even if they’re different from my background. Not a lot of people can connect with me on an deep level though. However, those that want to really know me, I do stick with them and I’m loyal for life. I can be stubborn though, and at times I’m melodramatic, emotional, critical of others, over sensitive (especially to criticism), and perfectionistic. Sometimes I have a really hard time verbally communicating with people because of my neurodivergent tendencies (adhd and autism) so I often get more frustrated and impatient too. I’m really hard on myself sometimes, a lot more than the average person, and it usually gets worse when people treat me badly due to past childhood trauma. I have anxiety and depression too, but I’m slowly learning to accept my multiple disabilities as a part of me instead of who I am. I’m pretty good with using both my head and my heart when I’m making a decision. You could say I’m an emotional thinker. I also try hard to be more kinder to myself when needed. I take alternative medications, sleep in on occasion, eat my favorite food, and sometimes take a warm bubble bath to really help with self love. I also try to implement healthy boundaries when I want something like occasional solitude or I speak up when someone takes advantage of me. I’m all about self improvement, and I hope I keep progressing along as a better person. 💖

Hobby wise, I’m very much into the traditional and performing arts. I love to draw, paint, dance, cook and bake, play guitar, and sing. Lots of people say I have a powerful and emotional singing voice, and I often bring people to tears from it. I’m also really into researching specific topics on the internet related to my special interests. Put me in a trivia game, and I’ll bet you I can really blow you away with how much I know too! 😉 I love exercising and doing various workouts that include building my strength and increasing flexibility. I especially love yoga, tai chi, and meditation. I love animals, and animals in a sense (mostly cats and dogs) love me since they easily gravitate towards me and let me pet them. Finally I can say I’m a pink, pastel loving, magical girl item collecting enthusiast! I collect tons of cute Sailor Moon merchandise, but use it for practical purposes such as stationary or umbrellas. 💕

I think that’s all I can say about myself. If you decide to do this matchup I’d be really grateful for that. Honestly you sound like such a genuine person and I’m glad I came to your inbox. Have a great day! 😁👍💕💖💞💗

BSD: Atsushi!

- Atsushi would enjoy your kind and friendly nature. He attaches to people who he perceives as kind more quickly than others. It's also great that you can connect with people who have different backgrounds- Atsushi's childhood is certainly not something that most people can claim they've also been through, so your empathy and understanding would mean a lot to him. He's also quite loyal, and very determined, so he would try his best to continue to get to know you even if you're a bit closed off.

OM: Beel!

- Beel is also extremely loyal to those he loves, even when he disproves and is ashamed of their actions, he would never abandon them. Your own loyal tendencies would mean a lot to him, as that's such a big part of what's important to him. He's also patient (unless food is involved) and kind, so he'd be so sweet to you when you're having trouble communicating and would do everything he could to make it easier for you-he'd also rarely ever get upset with you in most situations.

SV: Peter B.!

- Peter also struggled quite a bit with his own bouts of depression and anxiety over his loved ones getting harmed due to him, so he'd be very understanding of your own struggles. You two could get stronger together as you lean on each other for support sometimes! He'd also respect your logical yet still emotional way of thinking as well-sometimes he gets way too into his own head to make rational decisions.

JJBA: Bruno!

- Your attempts at self-care would make Bruno really happy, and he'd love to help you do so if you needed it. Taking care of his partner is one of his favorite things to do, and it honestly relaxes him quite a bit. He'd also be extremely respectful about your personal boundaries-he's mature, and if he was feeling upset about anything, he'd be sure to have an open discussion about it. He'd be perfectly content with the way that you are already if he's your partner, but he'd certainly encourage self-improvement if it isn't because of unhealthy insecurity. He's also quite interested in theater and would be happy to take you with him.

MP: Liam!

- Liam prides himself on his creativity, so a partner like you that wears so many hats would really interest him-though it'd be a bit hard to tell at first. You'd often catch him behind the curtains if you're practicing your singing-it'd be hard for him to stay away from listening to it. Your intelligence, even if it's applied to things like trivia, would attract him as well.

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “What Happened.”

Sorry for any issues this one might have, but I am trying to write it between flights and and scrambling to find a plug that will work, so I hope you like it anyway, and I hope it answers some questions you have 

Three months leave

IT was going to take an extra three months  before the ship would be ready for launch. Even as they spoke, it was docked at the Europa station as they put on the final finishing touches. Until then, it had been Commander Vir’s job to go through files on the personnel he wanted aboard his new crew.

He had suggested some alien additions to make the crew more diverse, which the GA had loved considering that the ship was an amalgamation of both human and alien technology. It had Rundi communications systems, Celzex weaponry, Vrul shields, and  a Tesraki warp core. The design otherwise was completely human. But for those reasons, the project was obviously very time consuming, and they were lucky that it was going to be finished in as little a time as it was.

Sunny hadn’t seen Adam very much in the last month or so considering that he had been working hard to find an extra five hundred members for his crew, and speak with the brass about what he had seen on the other side of the wormhole.

Sunny knew that it was important that Adam do his job, but a part of her was annoyed they hadn’t been able to speak properly since getting back.

Instead, she was stuck in base housing on the cost, alone and with nothing to do aside from long walks on the beach. She had never been the the beach beforehand as anin didn’t have any substantial bodies of water like that, at least near her, and there was something about the endless water that unsettled her. Even Krill and Conn were off doing important things. Krill was giving his services to a level one trauma center in New York, and Conn was helping the base MPs conduct polygraph tests, though he had sort of replaced the polygraph.

That left Sunny alone most days to think.

She hadn’t gotten over Adam’s disappearance, and not how he had tricked her, pushing her from the bridge before turning around and preparing himself for death. She felt a bit cheated, and like a decision had been made for her. She wasn’t stupid, logically she knew that is what she would have done if she were in his place, so she couldnt fault him for that, though she still coudln’t help feeling hurt over it.

And these thoughts she was left to stew on, tossing and turning in the quiet of the night while everyone else was out and busy.

Needless to say she didn’t expect the little bell on her front door to ring late one evening, and when she opened the door she certainly didn’t expect to see Adam waiting on her front porch.

HE was smiling, though the skin around his face and neck were already flushed a light pink with embarrassment.

In his arms, he held a large collection of flowers.

“May I come in?”

“Adam!” Her surprise was a bit delayed 

He shuffled his feet, “I uh, I got the go ahead to take the day off so I…. thought I would see you.”

He shifted again.

He looked better now than he had on returning from his ordeal, face clean-shaven and in clean clothes that actually fit, though she had to admit his cave-man look hadn’t been so bad.

She stepped aside, and he tentatively followed.

She closed the door and he turned to face her, “I uh…. um … well I…. flower…. Or I mean, I got you, flowers I…… Bought some, but also picked…. some ….. I not that that really matters I just.”He sighed took a deep breath and cleared his throat, “I got you flowers.” he held them out, and she took them in half amusement, picking one from the top and popping it into her mouth before setting them down on the little side table.

“Look, I’m sorry we haven't been able to talk since I got back… and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a little bit of me avoiding having a tough conversation.”

“I like that you are at least being honest with me.” She said quietly., “Do you want to sit down?”

He rubbed the back of his neck, “Actually, I was going to ask you if you wanted to go on a walk…. I.. I think better when I walk.”

She shrugged and agreed, following him outside to where a thin layer of clouds had veiled the sun which was slowly inching towards the horizon. The clouds muted the colors and the sea was grey in the distance.

Together they walked a little ways along the sand, him shifting nervously, and her walking to the side, relaxed though she didn’t feel like it 

The silence stretched on for nearly a mile before Sunny -- growing frustrated -- was forced to break it.

“You tricked me.”

He looked down at his feet, “I did.”

“You tricked me, and because of that I have had some of the worst few months of my life.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I understand you did what you thought you had to, and I get it that if I was in your place, I would have done the same without hesitation, but…. I I feel cheated, and I feel used, and for some reason I can’t stop it.”

He looked away, “I’m not sure what to say.”

“At least say SOMETHING.”

HE turned to face her single green eye wide. Looking down she could sense that his hands were shaking. A part of her felt bad about that, but they needed to have this conversation, and she wasn’t going to let him out of it.

“I… would do it again to save your life, and I won’t apologize for that, but I’m sorry that that’s how you feel.”

“I thought we were a team.”

“And we are.”

She paused, her feet digging hard into the sand, and he drew to a halt beside her, “I need you to understand Adam, when Drev say a team, they mean a battle pair and that means….”

“I know, I know……. I know what it means, and I am agreeing with you.”

“Will, you try, for me.”

“Yes, but sunny, I I don’t know how well it will work out, I…. well I’m broken when it comes to this sort of thing I don’t even know if I can.”

They went silent again and she could see the veins pulsing in the side of his neck. Beads of sweat collected on his brown and face. He looked almost nauseous, like he was scared or something, that too made her feel bad, but she didn’t really know how to help.

On instinct, she reached out a hand, inches from his before pausing, “I…. Can I?”

He paused look down at her hand.

His clenched into a fist.

He was pale whit like snow now.

“I…. I don’t think I can right now but…. Thanks for asking.”

She watched the expression on his face closely, and on his face she saw him proceed through a rapid series of emotions starting with fear, working over to shame, sadness and finally ending on guilt.

He turned away.

She walked up next to him, head tilted, “You don’t have to, Adam, but maybe if you told me why I could better understand. Of course you don’t have to.”

He took a deep shaky breath, “You deserve to know. But just don’t… I don’t know laugh or something. I know logically it wasn’t a big deal but….”

“Adam, I promise I won't laugh, you have my word.”

He nodded his head slowly and sighed, “I can trace it all back to one event I think. It was MY freshman year of high school…. Maybe and I was the awkward, nerdy sci-fi weirdo who believed in UFOs and Aliens.

***

Adam Sat Under a tree outside the school arms wrapped around his knees back tucked against the bowl of a tree which cast the shadow of its leaves down over the ground to wave and rustle in a light breeze.

It was lunch break, and he was watching the other teens standing around in their cliches. The football jocks were playing a game to one side, the cheerleaders were clustered around a bench, and all the rednecks were sitting in the back of their trucks in the parking lot laughing loudly and occasionally turning on their trucks just to rev the engines as loud as possible.

His hair was long-ish, kind of scruffy and hanging down around his ears. The clothes he wore were baggy hand me downs from his older brother Jeremy (a senior) and shoes with holes in them from his older brother Thomas.

He didn’t mention the holes to his mom, dad was in between jobs right now, not that it was a big deal, he would find work, it was just paperwork in the way, but he didn’t want to worry her with something extra that didn’t matter right now.

He looked down at the ground where he had a stack of books waiting in the grass for him, The Martian, War of the Worlds, and an old tatty compendium of start wars stuff with pictures and diagrams.

The T-shirt he was wearing was one he had purchased online, and had a diagram of the star-trek enterprise on it.

He shuffled his feet in the grass waiting for his brothers to show up and feeling sort of lonely as he waited.

Since he was a little younger, he got out a half an hour before they did, and only got to spend thirty minutes of his half hour lunch break with them, otherwise he tried to avoid people as much as possible. It wasn’t that he was bullied per-se, because he wasn’t really, neglected by his peers was probably a better term for it.

They were nice to him in the way you are nice to small children or crazy people, keeping up polite conversation just long enough to leave as soon as possible. He was used to the treatment, and didn’t bother subjecting people to his presence more than he had to. He knew he was weird.

He was sure he would have a harder time if it were not for his older brothers. Jeremy, who was a popular football player, David because he was student body president, and arguably the best looking guy in school, though he never seemed to be dating anyone, and Thomas, who was a bit of a loose cannon and didn’t mind getting in fights to protect his family members when he wasn’t hanging out with the other weird and unpredictable kids.

He was sitting there thinking about his brothers and staring down at the grass, when he saw a pair of shoes appear in his vision. They were white vans, or something similar with bright green laces, and when he looked up he saw a girl standing over him. The school was small enough that he recognized her immediately. Her name was Amanda and she jumped between the Drill team and the Basketball Girls click.

She was smiling, and he watched her as she turned her head back to her group of friends who were giggling and trying not to look like they were looking over in their direction.

Adam sat up a little straighter, “Can I help you.”

She smiled at him, her cheeks slightly pink, “HI…. Adam.”

He frowned, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

She shuffled her feet, and off in the distance, her friends giggled and looked away.

“Can I help you with something?’ He wondered, waiting for the punchline somewhere. Something about the weird UFO kid, or maybe they were going to ask him to help them do something against school rules, so when they got caught they could all blame it on him. Or maybe they were going to ask him to be the designated Sherpa for their bags or something.

He had been tricked into most of those things before, though by now the teachers and the principal knew that he was just socially stupid and not a troublemaker.

“Relax ok, I’ve just come to say sorry?”

“Sorry for what?”

“Sorry for treating you like you were weird.” When she smiled it seemed genuine, “You see its…. One of my friends.” More giggling I the background, “She thinks you’re cute, but she didn’t know how to act before.”

He glanced past her to where  the group of girls had burst in to excessive giggling.

He frowned again, “I’m not stupid, you know.”

“I didn’t say you were.”

She crossed her arms, “Serious, Adam.”

“Who is this friend of your.” His eyes narrowed, but past that he was looking towards one of the girls in the group. She was pretty  with honey blonde hair and an infectious smile.  She played the violin, and he knew for a fact that she was a comic book nerd. He had seen her carrying them around, and she was a petty good artist too. He felt his face flush a bit but tried to fight it back.”

“She smiled, “Avery.”

His eyes shot wide, and he felt his face turn scarlet. The part of his brain that had been skeptical immediately shut off as the human brain is prone to do when they think something good might be about to happen.

“I… really.”

She grinned, “Really.” She reached into her pocket and passed him a note, “She wants you to meet her by the stadium.”

His hands were shaking a bit as he took the note, but he felt his heart hammering in excitement.

Was this his way out of exile?

He had always been extroverted, starved for all the friends he wanted and all the people he wanted to talk to. Avery had the life that he wished he did, a large circle of friends, and fun things to do every weekend.

Maybe with her around, he would finally have that.

All the better if they were dating, but he was getting ahead of himself.

He watched as the group of girls dispersed and Avery moved towards the back of the building over towards the stadium, her beautiful, honey-blond hair blowing in the wind.

He stood awkwardly gathering up his things and shoving them in his bag without zipping the zipper all the way before turning and cutting around the other side of the school. His heart hammered in his chest and his hands were cold and sweaty as he made his way around the other side of the building and towards the stadium.

His heart only began to race faster when he saw her standing alone under the stadium between the cross-bars and in the shade of the metal benches above.

He approached nervously, his hands shaking in excitement.

She turned her head, bright blue eyes catching his.

He stopped in place at the edge of the shadow. But she smiled and waved him in, “Adam over here.”

He followed nervously his feet trailing in the dirt. As she approached she nervously rocked back and fourth on her heels hands in her pockets. He paused a few feet away. She looked up at him through her lashes, and he noted she was wearing little Iron Man earrings.

“Hi.” She said nervously

“Hi.” He replied back

She shuffled her feet, “Look I…. I’m sorry about laughing at you earlier today In class I…. well I think your funny, not, like in a bad way or anything.”

HE knew he was bright red at this moment, probably brighter red than any tomato, “Really?”

“Yeah, so I wanted to say sorry, and…. And maybe make it up to you.”

His heart was in his throat, “Oh, you, you don’t have to.”

“But I want to.”

It went quiet as she stepped forward, and he was frozen in place. She was right in front of him now. She leaned forward a little, and he was frozen in place. Her eyes closed, and then so did his, he waited for the moment, and waited, and waited, but nothing came.

Someone snickered, and he cracked an eye to see Avery’s once pretty face twisted up into a sneer of contempt and malicious amusement.

“April fools.” She jumped at him, and in surprise he tripped backwards over one of the metal bars landing hard. The zipper of his backpack, not all the way done up, erupted outward spilling all his books out onto the dirt.

Laughter.

He turned his head looking around to the cracks in the stadium seats where dozens of eyes stared at him laughing.

Avery stood over him as others began flooding down from their spots laughing.

He crawled back, his head down, “But it’s not even April.” He whispered

“Its not even April.” Someone mimicked from behind, and he ran into soemthing hard looking up to see one of Avery’s friends standing over him. She was state shotput champion last years, and her arms were as big as his head, “What is this.” She reached down and picked his book off the ground.

“Please, give it back.” He said crawling to his knees and reaching up for it.

“The Martian.”

“please.”

She flipped open a few of the pages. He stood up trying to reach for his book but he was blocked by another two of her friends.

The laughter continued, the mocking voices over and over and over again.

He tried to push forward reaching for his books which had been picked up off the ground.

“Gross, Its all sticky!” the friend yelled.

“No it isn’t.” He protested, it was true, he took very good care of his books. But of course no one listened. A chorus of disgust rose up around him. His books were dropped, one clattering to the rocks its pages bending, the other one landing halfway in a puddle of stagnant water.

He cried out and dove forward pulling it out of the water even as mud dripped form the hardback.

He cradled it in his arms, feeling hot tears of anger and humiliation begin to prickle at the corners of his eyes.

Laughter continued.

“Look.”

Fingers pointed.

HE stood fists clenched ready to hurt someone, but when he turned the same girl from before hand his book in either hand and when he moved she pulled.

There was a sharp ripping noise as the spine of the book tore a quarter, and as he cried out she laughed and dropped it into the puddle.

As a paperback, the book didn’t stand a chance.

Mud and water caked his hands as he reached in to pull it out on his hands and knees. Something hit him hard in the back and he pitched forward into the puddle getting the book wet a second time as the kids laughed.

He scrambled sitting up coughing and spluttering feeling the slimy grittiness of the water on his lips.

Someone knelt down next to him. A voice in his ear, “If you tell anyone. I’ll tell the teacher you tried to touch me.”

Tears dripped down his cheeks as he tried wiping mud from his face. The laughter receded and he was left along kneeling on the gravel.

His face grew hot and read as he stared down at the ruined cover of his book. Hot tears dripped onto the mud coating his hands.

His breathing started up in great gasps his heart hammered so fast he thought it was going to burst out of his chest. His head was going to explode either from anger or frustration he didn’t know. Choked sobs broke from his mouth as he knelt over the books ruined in his hands. He couldn’t breathe. He stood vision clouded face hot wet and muggy from the heat.

And then he ran.

He had no idea where he was going or what he was doing.

His paperback held muddy and dripping in one hand he pelted into the woods and didn’t stop running until his foot caught on a branch and he went rolling into the leaves.

He lay there on his stomach heart still hammering breath still coming in ragged gasps. He just couldn’t calm his breathing down.

He didn’t know where he was.

He felt like he was having a heart attack, or dying, or something. He lay there gasping on the forest floor for hours.

It grew dark. The mud dried on the back of his book and against his chest and hands.

It was only when he heard the voices did he finally sit up, mud caked and bleary eyed.

“Adam!”

“Adam!”

There were no other sounds for a long moment before the call started up again.

He stumbled over, it was dark so his feet kept coughing on branches and twigs.

“Adam, ADAM! I swear ADAM.”

“Thomas?” He said his voice so raw it was barely above a whisper.

“ADAM!” Footsteps rushed towards him through the trees, and Thomas burst from the foliage his scruffy blind hair run wild, his jeans covered in dirt, “Adam there you are where have you-“

He didn’t have time to say much else as he was hugged tight around the middle.

“Adam I…. what’s wrong. What happened! Who did this to you!”

Thomas looked ready to rip someone apart, but Adam didn’t say anything. He wouldn’t say anything about the event for the next two years.

***

Sunny stared wide eyed as Adam turned away again.

“Look, I know its stupid, it happens to plenty of kids and they don’t take it the way I did, but. I mean, with the panic attack on top of it, and then a few years later the same thing happened on my first date, so now I just… I can’t…”

Sunny was quiet for a moment while he looked away.

“Who the FUCK do they think they are.” She snarled.

He looked up in surprise, “I what.”

She marched around in a circle, “What the hell kind of person does that to someone. That’s just sick and wrong. That is just… horrible.”  She pulled out her spear, “I swear If i ever meet someone like that if i ever meet THEM, I am going to-”

He caught her arm, “Sunny stop, it was a long time ago.”

“It doesnt matter!”

A small smile cut across his face, “IT doesn't matter sunny, you want to know why.”

“Why.”

“Because I saw their pictures.” he grinned, “Avery got really fat and her friend got hit by a car, not fatally but I consider it Karma doing me a solid.” He paused, “It’ll be ok…. I just need some time. Think you can do that for me?”

She paused and nodded her head, “Yes, I think I can.”