#I mean not that Desmond is unattractive

[darkwing-katy]

Started season two tonight. My husband saw Desmond’s silhouette in the first episode and immediately asked, “Is that Ben?”

Me: “…wut…?”

Him: “Well, he’s tall and gangly and has that long wavy hair you tend to like. He’s totally your type. Is that Ben?”

Me: “Are you gonna ask that every single time we meet a new guy this season?”

Him: “…yes? It’s a game I like that’ll keep me entertained while we watch this.”

Hooooooooo boiiiii when he realizes that my manipulative bastard is the smol man who has an obsession with rabbits and first appears as a scared guy who gets the ever-loving shit beat outta him…my poor husband is gonna be so confused.

Either that, or the moment ‘Henry’ smirks when he starts leading John Locke astray, hubby’s gonna turn to me with gusto and go, “HIM?!? That’s the guy you’re obsessed with?!? But—but—he’s not your type at ALL…except in all of the psychotic manipulative ways and he also has blue eyes and oh, hmm, I guess I get why you like him.”

We shall see!

[dominiquethevampire]

Every Cirque Du Freak Character Ranked By Their Likelihood of Having An Affair With My Wife

Hello everyone. I have reason to believe that my wife Susan is participating in a sexual affair with one of the characters from Darren Shan’s Saga of Darren Shan. She’s starting keeping IV bags of blood in the fridge, won’t stop talking about when the next Festival of the Undead is, and I found a ticket for the Cirque Du Freak hidden in the bottom of her underwear drawer.

It’s been tough to narrow down the suspect but I think I’ve finally got the definitive list here, ranked from least to most likely to be having an affair with my wife.

26. Madam Octa

Pretty self-explanatory. She’s a spider. And very faithful to her spider boyfriend, if what Seba tells me is true.

25. Sam Grest

He’s like, 12, so that would be pretty messed up. Plus, my wife always says she wishes I wasn’t so childish and immature, so I can’t see how she’d find any appeal in Sam.

24. R.V.

The hook hands might make things difficult. I haven’t noticed any cuts on my wife’s body, but to be fair I haven’t seen her undressed in about five years so I can’t be completely sure.

23. Harkat

My beautiful sweet angel Harkat would NEVER do that to me. He’s also completely lacking genitals, which makes it pretty hard to fuck my wife, I think.

22. Kurda Smahlt

Come on. We all know what team he plays for.

21. Seba Nile

I think Seba’s years of having sex are long over. I can’t even imagine it. It’s like imagining your grandfather having sex. Ew. Get that thought out of my head NOW!

20. Darren Shan

I don’t think Darren’s got that dog in him. Besides, he’s pretty busy saving the entire vampire clan and also being a Prince at 30 years old. When would he even have the time?

19. Paris Skyle

He’s pretty old like Seba, but he does have that spry young energy in him. He might want one last romp in the hay before he kicks the bucket, so I can’t completely rule him out.

18. Evra Von

I don’t fully trust the snake. He gives the vibe that he and Merla might like a third in their bed sometimes. Which is funny because when I asked my wife if we could have a threesome with her hot 22-year-old coworker she said no and didn’t speak to me for a week. Seems kind of hypocritical, Susan.

17. Debbie Hemlock

Since Debbie’s an English teacher her and my wife would probably bond over reading books or something boring like that. I don’t mind Debbie fucking my wife if it means I get to stop hearing about whatever shitty new book Colleen Hoover has released.

16. Arrow

I can definitely imagine Arrow and my wife having a beautiful and brief “Bridges of Madison County” type affair while I’m away on a work trip. He’s such a good guy that I can’t even be too mad about it.

15. Hibernius Tall

It’s always the tall skinny guys that are packing the baseball bats.

14. Gavner Purl

I don’t think Gavner’s morals would allow him to sleep with my wife. However, I fully believe they would have an emotional affair over the course of a few years. He’d tell her she reminded him of his ex-girlfriend, talk about his tragic backstory, and she’d fall in love with how “vulnerable” and “sensitive” he is. News flash!He’s never getting over Liz! You’re just a placeholder!

13. Annie Shan

Annie’s a single mother and emotionally unstable from a lifetime of trauma. Prime candidate for having an affair.

12. Alice Burgess

How could I possibly compete against a lesbian in a police uniform? This might be pretty hot, actually. I wonder if they’d let me watch.

11. Desmond Tiny

They wouldn’t outright sleep together, but just look at what happened with Darren and Steve’s moms. If my wife ends up pregnant, I’m definitely getting a paternity test.

10. Tanish Eul

I know he’s disgustingly unattractive and a cowardly asshole, but I can’t rule him out. She married me after all, so it’s possible she has a type. She also came home last week with a Dior bag and some Louboutins that we definitely can’t afford, so it’s possible they have some sort of sugar daddy/sugar baby arrangement.

9. Vanez Blane

My wife passed her Trials a few years ago and yet she still goes to “training sessions” with Vanez every Tuesday and Thursday. Seems suspicious.

8. Vancha March

Yeah, he’s disgusting and ill-mannered. But he’s also jacked and can spit some pretty serious game. And my wife currently has a UTI, and if anyone’s gonna be responsible for that it’s Vancha.

7. Evanna

She’s got the whole rope bondage outfit AND can transform her appearance. All she needs to do is change herself into Dr. House and my wife is as good as hers.

6. Wester Flack

I mean, we all know what he did to Larten. Cough, Alicia, cough. Do I really think he would respect the sanctity of my marriage?

5. Gannen Harst

He’s hot as hell and has that quiet stocism that women love. I suppose since the vampaneze can’t tell lies I could just ask him, but I don’t know if I’m ready to hear the truth.

4. Mika Ver Leth

Mika would definitely fuck my wife and not even think twice about it. I guess I’m not really allowed to complain about it because he’s a Prince and could easily have me thrown on the stakes in the Hall of Death. You win this time, Sire Mika.

3. Larten Crepsley

He’s dashingly handsome and has that timeless Quicksilver charm that the ladies all fall for. But my wife is still alive, unlike every other woman Larten’s been involved with.

2. Arra Sails

Arra would have zero qualms about cheating. We know for a fact she’s all about being “passionate in the coffin” and she quite literally asked Larten when Alicia was going to die so she could fuck him. The only reason she’s second on the list and not first is because I can’t imagine her having a positive interaction with another woman.

1. Steve Leonard

Is this even a question? Obviously it’s Steve. He got his best friend’s teenage sister pregnant and took off. He’s probably inside my wife right now, telling her what a loser I am and they’re both laughing about it. Fuck you, Steve.

[teecupangel]

Submitted by @saberamane​

Long boring day at work with nothing to do but daydream so…

Modern AU, Desmond x your pick

Desmond, a bartender, is unlucky in love. Not because he’s unattractive, or boring to talk to, or offensive. But because of what’s in his apartment.

A pet. Or pets, more like. Of which Desmond loves dearly, and everyone else hates, to the point that it ends the relationship.

Desmond has snakes. Three to be exact. All rather docile and friendly, and only dangerous to his love life.

                       WARNING FOR SNAKES BELOW

His ‘palmetto’ morph corn snake Lucy. (Mostly white with sparse speckles of gray and orange.) 

His Honduran Milk Snake Becca. 

And, his pride and joy (don’t tell Lucy or Becca) Eden, his Albino ball python. 

He lives in a 2 bedroom ground floor apartment, the 2nd bedroom is where all his snakes are kept.

Every relationship, without fail, ends when the 'snake room’ is discovered. Even if they’ve been dating for months.

Desmond has pretty much stopped dating at this point. He’s tired of getting hurt. (And being told to choose between his love interest and the three things that bring meaning to his life. The things that keep him going because they need him.)

His next 'relationship’ is completely accidental. A one night stand that happened again and again until they were running into each other in random places, and then meeting for coffee or lunch.

Desmond absolutely DOES NOT bring them back to his apartment. Until he does. Because he loves to hurt himself.

The second bedroom is not addressed, the door staying closed. Until several weeks later when Desmond wakes up and finds himself alone in bed. He finds his lover in the second bedroom, his heart stopping, knowing what was going to come next.

He did not expect to be asked what color morph, exactly, Lucy was. Or where he got Eden. Or why Becca was staring so intently at the lid of her enclosure.

Desmond can only describe the next hours as a miracle, his lover taking Eden out of her cage without a single ounce of fear, holding her expertly and talking to her like most people do dogs and cats.

Desmond decides, this relationship has to work out if it kills him. He will never find someone else quite like this again. (He’s already fallen so hard…)

HAPPY ENDING??

(I’m not a huge fan of snakes myself, for trauma reasons, but I can admire that they are beautiful creatures. And hell spawn at the same time. Why no legs? Why so fast with no legs? Sorry to anyone else who gets squirmy with snake pics. I honestly have no idea why this came to me.)

=============

Additions from teecup:

It would be fun if Desmond’s past relationships were shown like a montage: one sentence for each and they’re not named but each of their sentence hints at their identity like “One of them even had the gall to demand Desmond choose between him and his babies, only to stomp out of the apartment like a spoiled brat when Desmond retorted angrily (and not at all seriously) that he had no legs to stand on since Desmond never demanded he stopped talking to his sister every five goddamn minutes”. Something that shows just the kind of pain (and headache) Desmond had to go thru while giving a little ‘nudgenudgewinkwink’ at who those past lovers had been.

As for the snakes, I kinda like the idea that Eden is the oldest of them and she’s Desmond’s favorite because Desmond was there when she was hatched. She’s actually the only remaining offspring of Desmond’s first snake (… shall we call her Minerva? XD) so Desmond watched Eden grow up, making Eden his baby and ‘first born’. Eden would be the most ‘ sociable’ of his babies, having been born and raised by Desmond with love and care so, to her, humans are nice people.

Lucy would be ‘unplanned’. Desmond was just in the pet store he buys supplies for Eden shopping for something to get for Eden’s enclosure and the owner (maybe Clay? Or, if we want someone a bit older, Piri or maybe even Gavin?) would tell him about this ‘palmetto’ morph that needs a new home, taken from a neglectful (and maybe even abusive) owner and they thought Desmond would be perfect since he’s such a good owner. Lucy’s the shiest of the three and likes to hide in the small hollow log that’s part of her enclosure but she’s also the clingiest among the three when it concerns Desmond.

Rebecca, on the other hand, was a pet Desmond got on the suggestion of the snake owner forum he’s part of when he posted he was thinking of getting a new baby (maybe to celebrate something? His 25th birthday? Getting a raise at work? Maybe even something adorkable like ‘I’ve been caffeine free for 6 months’). Rebecca’s the newest of the bunch, the baby-est of the babies, and she loves slithering out of her enclosure whenever the lid is opened, mostly to curl on Desmond’s wrist for a while until Desmond puts her back inside.

As for the pairing, there are a lot of pairings that would work for this one since most of them wouldn’t be scared of snakes (although a few of them would definitely be surprised if the snakes did a sneak ‘attack’/hello on them).

Of course, I would totally say Altaïr because it’s me, you know me, and he could be like a college professor. It would be fun if he was like a history professor that has a popular mythology/folklore class in the nearby college and the main reason why he’s okay with snakes is because his college thesis had been about how mythology and folklore describe snakes. It would probably make Desmond happy to hear someone talk about the positive view humans have about snakes, like the Rainbow Serpent Yurlungur who created the world.

Also, Altaïr is one of the few AC characters I can totally see saying this without even a hint of embarrassment:

“There’s also the Ouroboros, usually shown depicting a snake biting its own tail. It’s supposed to symbolize…” His eyes were focused on Desmond as he continued, “Eternity.”

(seriously, if we get Altaïr as the lover, the happy ending would be him proposing to Desmond with a ring shaped like an Ouroboros, a symbol of ‘eternity’)

[infernumagi-a]

romance headcanons

name: john constantine

nickname:  johnny, johnny boy

gender: cis man (he/him)

romantic orientation: bisexual, biromantic and polyamorous

preferred pet names: if you call him an asshole he’ll consider it a pet name so really anything goes 

relationship status: a Mess(tm) 

favorite canon / fandom ship: john & zee 100% they’re soulmates

favorite crossover ship: my bitch...... is on hiatus BUT @monstrumdei​ (bigby wolf from fables)  & john? fucking iconic baby 

opinion on true love: he believes in it in like a cosmic sense, in like soulmates n shit, because in this world of magic he lives in, of course that exists, and to him, that’s zatanna 

opinion on love at first sight: not necessarily, but he doesn’t think into it that much 

how ‘romantic’ are they?: not that much tbh, i mean, he doesn’t mind romance, but big romantic gestures just don’t come naturally to him, it’s not something he feels strongly about either way, though

ideal physical traits: john is a SLUT and if it walks, it talks, and has the ability to consent? he’s into it. 

ideal personality traits: for a hook up, doesn’t really matter, but for a relationship he definitely likes people who can make him laugh and match his humor, he won’t admit it but he’d also rather be with someone that doesn’t really enable his self destructive tendencies, but he’s not looking for someone to fix him by any means. someone loyal who won’t go nuts on him and become evil. stares at a certain someone.

unattractive physical traits: all he asks for is that they’ve showered in the past week 

unattractive personality traits: god complex, a desire to murder him, basic stuff like that 

ideal date: he’s not really one much for dates n stuff he doesn’t have anything specific in mind that is ideal other than just one good day where something doesn’t try to kill him and/or his partner 

do they have a type?: not specifically, no 

average relationship length:  sdjbfsnfb who tf knows it varies so much 

preferred non-sexual intimacy: bathing together or cuddling tbh 

commitment level: he’s actually a very committed person in a relationship! he’d never cheat, and most of his relationships tend to be more on the open side of things so why the fuck even cheat, but no he’s definitely very loyal and committed to his partners 

opinion of public affection: ehhh not something he indulges in often, doesn’t think it’s necessary

past relationships?: notably, zatanna zatara, nick necro, kit ryan (in my canon they dated, but never married), stanley manor, desmond laveau/oliver the bartender and a bunch of other random ones bc like i said, he’s a slut 

tagged by: @guiltspelled <3 tagging: @golddome @trickshxt @cvldthief @beliefruined @deadlcrd @interphrase

[cat-the-lurker-blog]

Septa Roelle's influence on Brienne

Brienne put his age at ten, but she was terrible at judging how old a child was. She always thought they were younger than they were, perhaps because she had always been big for her age. Freakish big, Septa Roelle used to say, and mannish.

...

Septa Roelle once told her that it was meant to show that they had nothing to hide from the Father. “Can’t the Father see through hair?” Brienne had asked. A stupid thing to say. She had been a slow child; Septa Roelle often told her so.

(Chapter 9, A Feast for Crows)

Septa Roelle, the main female influence in Brienne's childhood, was a governess who criticized her appearance, and often put down her curiosity with harsh remarks. As a result, Brienne internalizes her comments and genuinely believes them, even many years later - She calls herself stupid in her internal narration (Perhaps Sansa Stark was dead ... How better to conceal her murder than by sending some big stupid wench from Tarth to find her?), and describes herself to the Elder Brother as 'the freakish one, not fit to be a son or daughter.' But it only gets worse :

When I was a little girl I believed that all men were as noble as my father. Even the men who told her what a pretty girl she was, how tall and bright and clever, how graceful when she danced. It was Septa Roelle who had lifted the scales from her eyes.

“They only say those things to win your lord father’s favour,” the woman had said. “You’ll find truth in your looking glass, not on the tongues of men.” It was a harsh lesson, one that left her weeping, but it had stood her in good stead at Harrenhal when Ser Hyle and his friends had played their game. A maid has to be mistrustful in this world, or she will not be a maid for long, she was thinking, as the rain began to fall.

(Chapter 20, A Feast for Crows)

Aside from ruining a young girl’s self-confidence, there are two other enormous problems with Septa Roelle's teaching here. First, she tells Brienne to ‘find truth in (her) looking glass', presumably to convince her that she is truly unattractive and that the men calling her pretty are all liars. But Brienne's appearance doesn't relate in any way to some of the other compliments she receives - that she is bright, clever and graceful. These traits don't depend on her physical exterior at all - but Septa Roelle doesn't even allow her to take pride in them, and makes her believe that looks (or lack thereof) are all that matters. The result? In A Clash of Kings, Brienne is happy to die in battle if she can be remembered as a beautiful maid in the songs :

“Lady Catelyn, you are wrong.” Brienne regarded her with eyes as blue as her armor. “Winter will never come for the likes of us. Should we die in battle, they will surely sing of us, and it’s always summer in the songs. In the songs all knights are gallant, all maids are beautiful, and the sun is always shining.” (Chapter 22, A Clash of Kings)

Secondly, Septa Roelle teaches Brienne that '(Men) only say those things to win your lord father’s favour'. This does protect her from the men at Highgarden who try to use flattery to take advantage of her. But rather than warning her against sweet-talking, malicious men, the septa's main message is that all compliments made to Brienne must be lies, and nobody could possibly mean them sincerely. Because of this, Brienne believes herself completely undeserving and unworthy of honest praise and even basic decency, and becomes uncomfortable when she receives them :

“Brienne, I am honoured to acquaint you with my brother Ser Edmure Tully, heir to Riverrun. His steward Utherydes Wayn, Ser Robin Ryger and Ser Desmond Grell.” “Honoured,” said Ser Desmond. The others echoed him. The girl flushed, embarrassed even at this commonplace courtesy.  (Chapter 39, A Clash of Kings)

“Blue is a good colour on you, my lady,” Jaime observed. “It goes well with your eyes.” She does have astonishing eyes. Brienne glanced down at herself, flustered. “Septa Donyse padded out the bodice, to give it that shape. She said you sent her to me.” She lingered by the door, as if she meant to flee at any second.  (Chapter 72, A Storm of Swords)

Even an earnest compliment about the colour of her dress makes her uneasy, and she tries to pass it off and deflect it elsewhere. Thanks to years of Septa Roelle shaming her for her appearance, poor Brienne can't even begin to imagine that she might just be looking nice for once.