#I no longer wish to be here anymore | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jeeaark · 2 months

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Why would Emps send a letter on a timeline where you side with Orpheus, he considers it a betrayal. Friendship over :'( My theory is that he flees if you free Orpheus is because he thinks Orpheus would kill him. And you did that to him. I don't blame him for not sending letters.

The same reason why art of Durge and Gortash having sloppy make-out sessions materialized with a vengeance after Larian announced 'babygirl got no time for kisses'

because it's fun. I'm having fun. With my suspension of disbelief and the artistic power to recreate more satisfactory silly conclusions that adhere to my personal tastes and not the game's obligatorily unfun tragedy.

#I don't even ship those two but they're definitely smooching in the same universe as pina colada Emps now #like obviously that's what the game is going for but what is the point of making art if not to spite the bad vibes such endings gives #no actually it's because I cast Wish and now Anything Is Possible. No take backsies.#Larian can't foil me now that they're no longer making anymore story content/dlcs. It's free reality-estate now babeeeyyy #You theorize Emps feels too betrayed to send a letter? go for it.#I'm gonna be over here having fun with Greygold having to deal with Emp's ridiculous shenanigans for a change. Tables turning indeed.

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angelstrawbabie420 · 2 months

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hmm i think i am not coping. very well

#i feel like ive hit a wall in my ability to handle anything and idk how to hold myself together anymore #i see myself spiraling terribly but i am so exhausted in every single way that i cannot bring myself to care #and it’s going to kill me one day but i cant even care abt that #july was so horrible. so so bad it’s the worst month ive had since my dad’s passing #i feel so incredibly empty and stagnant and stuck i feel like i am in a tar pit and ive been here before #but i no longer have the strength to claw myself out of it #nor the support of others (irl i love u mutuals)#i quite literally only have my brother at this point and with how physically abusive he can become it’s not like that’s a relationship i #truly feel supported and safe in but it’s all i have #ive always been isolated severely by my family + the Issues have always made socialization so exhausting #i feel like im just floating and no one knows me nor cares bc how can they. i either just push people away to avoid getting hurt or i dont e #even try. and when i want to it’s a task so daunting and draining #i don’t have it in me despite knowing the lack of human connection is absolutely destroying me and ripping me to shreds #despite knowing a community of some kind would help #but i also feel like i offer fucking nothing and am worthless so would i even accept the help given to me. probably not #i wish i wasnt so intense of a person in every single way. and yet i will never be enough either #i feel like ive been clinging and digging my claws into my sanity that was not really present in the first place #ive been put through so much i couldnt cope with so repeatedly and so young i think by the time i wqs 10 i had already hit a wall but you #cant just stop living so it’s only compounded on top of that #it feels unhealable it feels like just part of me now.#i see a complete absence of a future for myself and i have no one to stay alive for anymore #not my parents not my pets not my friends and i dont know how to stay alive for myself bc it’s not something ive ever wanted #idk anymore. ive never felt so utterly lost and alone and broken lmao.#no wonder this relapse has been so all-consuming #dlt ltr

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rosicheeks · 2 months

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I hope your days aren't as heavy and dark, I am sending all the positive thoughts your way. You deserve the best, fairy princess. <3

😭

#I’ve been getting such sweet asks #I can’t tell you how much they mean to me right now #unfortunately my days have been pretty dark and overwhelming #struggling more than I ever have before tbh #and I’ve struggled most of my life so that’s saying something #also tried to go on TikTok for a little bit and oh BOY that was a bad decision #I might come back sometime soon #it’s just hard when my meds and everything have been making me very sex repulsed 😬#and half of the posts on my feed are very sexy related lol #so I guess that’s probably the main reason I haven’t been on here as much as I used to #also really don’t have the energy to reply or talk to people anymore #(sorry to anyone who has tried to DM me or contact me in any way -#I’ve barely been able to get out of bed so I definitely don’t have the energy to reply to people)#fun fact I went on TikTok finally cause everyone keeps talking about it #somehow ended up on the abortion debate side of TikTok???? so I kept seeing these bullshit debates #the final straw was the other day I saw some dipshit put as their claim ‘prochoice is a mental illness’#don’t even get me started on that it makes me so made I start to shake #I’m sorry but that is so offensive to people who are struggling with real mental illnesses???#went up as a guest (surprisingly) and was trying to explain how ridiculous that statement was and one of the people literally said #‘this is not a safe space’#lol ok byeeeee #obviously not expecting every where to be a safe space but for someone to literally SAY that is wild to me #I always try to keep a safe space no matter who I’m talking to or what about #that still is bothering me so so much #main reason why I’m still on there is cause I love this creator and want to support her as much as possible #but idk how much longer I can be on there… was even thinking about trying to post and make money over there #but ha ha ha guess not #back to square one #I’m running out of space as always but thank you so so so much for the kind words they mean the world to me!! also FAIRY princess???#I’ve never heard that before 🥹🥹🥹 thank you thank you thank you wishing you a lovely day 🫶

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cloudd-nyne · 2 months

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#i miss art man fuck #i wish i knew a way to like. fast forward this mental dip bc its hell #i just keep seeing time go by and realize another day has passed and I've done nothing with myself.#no art. no writing. i don't do anything expect lay here and waste away #like yeah i do adulting stuff #i do my chores i go to work #but thats kinda it?#even when i hang out with people its just. rotting in a different location.#i miss the stuff that i adore doing #i miss having the attention span to sit and enjoy a game or show #i miss sitting down and drawing for hours or staying up writing #i think about it constantly #but that wall is so firmly up that i never DO it #and everyone in my life just keeps telling me 'just do it!' as a solution #i cant stand it #the longer it goes on the more i feel like a failure. or like i only exist to help other people #there is no 'me'. just a person people can rely on #i have no ability to be me anymore and it sucks #vent

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piplupod · 2 months

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mistakes were made. should not have gone to library today. i will be leaving the house all five days of the week now (plus we went to a waterside on sunday for several hours) and uhm... i feel like i need to go hibernate for several weeks to feel even remotely okay again fhdkdl i am so tired i can barely think enough to string words together in any comprehendable way 🧍<- upset

#oohoohoo the self destructive ''well maybe I'll just push myself bc im going to be tired either way'' sure was a bad choice!#''lol who cares anymore im sick of being fatigued and im probably just making it up'' you are a fucking idiot god bless your soul #and yet.... the urge to Make It Worse is still so strong.... gee i sure do love p.mdd!#honest to god im so fucking frustrated w this brain lately #been trying to hide any sharps away from myself because I've just been so wildly careening into self destructive tendencies #and im sick of trying to like. control myself. i am my own keeper and im fucking sick of it gjfkdl #im trying so fucking hard to hold it together and keep myself on the right path but im really just incredibly tired #it feels like im trying to wrestle a knife out of a toddler's hand #and then the toddler cries and tantrums bc they wanted the knife #and i have nothing to give them to distract them. except im also the toddler.#idk how long i can keep this up for bc im ALSO managing other ppls emotions and baggage and shit at the centre #and over text. mainly that one person who i wish would just fucking leave me alone #but her grandma is literally on her deathbed so I can't rly try learning how to be firm rn #bc if i try to be firm i worry i will end up being a dick and i dont want to do that while she's struggling w pre-emptive grief #i don't know !!! im just so goddamn exhausted and struggling #and the world seems very cruel and terrifying and im honestly convinced im never going to find a way to exist peacefully in it #like im always going to be scared and struggle to trust ppl and struggle to socialize and feel safe anywhere #im going to be so honest. i wish i had One friend irl fhfkdl like. i think that would help a lot of my issues #to have someone i care about and respect and who actually cares about AND respects me back #and who i could just. be around. exist in the same vicinity. and not feel so scared and unsafe #a bit of a break from those constant feelings while not being isolated #who i could do activities with ???#thats actually so hard for me to imagine ever having ffhdjlsl its been so many years since I've had any semblance of that #it doesn't feel like im ever going to have that again :') it feels so impossible. pipe dream. unrealistic and unattainable #okay i need to shut up fhdksl sorry for being so insane on here every day jfc #one of these days i hope i will be genuinely stable for like... longer than a day fhfkdl #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #self harm mention

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fingertipsmp3 · 3 months

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Ughhhhhhh I hate writing and I hate not writing and I hate myself

#nearly bought a digital typewriter today. actually i DID buy a digital typewriter today. officially yes i have bought a digital typewriter.#the money for the digital typewriter has left my account but i have emailed them to cancel the order because i can't in good faith buy #a digital typewriter when i don't fucking WRITE #i thought it might help me get back into it. distraction free and while allowing me to not judge my own writing #and be continuously editing while i write and going 'i'm crap i'm crap i'm crap no one will ever read this and if they do they will think #that i'm garbage and that i should feel bad etc etc etc'#but it's too expensive and i have the feeling i wouldn't even like or use the thing once i got it #because the IDEAS! the ideas aren't coming to me. or rather they are but none of them seem to stick #i feel underconfident in writing any of them #and then i have old projects that i've always wanted to get back to like the tennis romance thing but SO much has changed since i first #started drafting it. like i don't even know if i like the main couple anymore. i kind of want to put both of them with different OCs of min #but it'd switch up the WHOLE story if i had a different cast #in fact most of the problem lies in the fact that i have this long-running bedtime story i tell myself every night with lore #and a massive cast of characters that i switch out depending on who i'm most interested in right now and every so often i incorporate new #themes and ideas and motifs and plot points sometimes based on media i've been watching because it's MY bedtime story and it doesn't matter #if i plagiarise in my own brain. but then obviously i can't plagiarise in real life #and none of my bedtime stories are GOING anywhere. sometimes i only get through a scene or two before i fall asleep #all of which means my bedtime story is not so much a sweeping epic novel but a sitcom with way too many characters #most of which are werewolves to be honest and sometimes for my own wish fulfilment one of them will walk out of my head #and take care of my problems for me by lending me £1million or murdering my best friend's ex. in my mind obviously #so it's like. it's a case of getting in there and annexing off the stuff i think i can use #it's like yeah i've definitely written several romance novels in my head in the process of this but does it matter if they're IN my HEAD #to be honest i feel like my main strength is in creating characters. like i have this one family of werewolves i've been slowly but surely #adding members to since i was like 16. maybe younger? no yeah i think i made the first one when i was 12 #they're compelling to ME anyway. i care about them. it's just PLOTS. i can't plot #if a book could just be a lot of dialogue and sex scenes and silly moments and character studies i'd be alright #i also can't describe settings. don't ask me to because i can't #and now i'm just annoyed with myself because i sat down at my laptop to try to write and instead i'm here complaining about how i don't wri #and if i had the digital typewriter... i mean i'd probably still be doing this i'd just no longer have £300 #i don't have the £300 anyway. i hope to christ they refund my card i'm a fucking idiot

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montanamp3 · 4 months

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tatimaxxing (something big just happened to me but i can't talk about it on this blog because ive posted face)

#my friend's in the hospital again so i spent 20 on an uber with my other friend to go see her #but by the time we got there visiting hours were over 😭#so we just had dinner at the park #and i told her about The Big Terrible Thing for the first time #straight through without embellishment! yay! i think at least #because ive retold the story in so many different ways that im not actually sure what happened anymore #she was like super chill about it though!! and was like im really impressed that you actively made an effort to not be [REDACTED]#not really what she said more like Making An Effort to No Longer [Redacted]#redacted as an action not as a noun blah blah you know #and she told me about how shes faced discrimination at our super homogeneously chinese church which i feel REALLY BAD ABOUT BUT I DON'T KNOW #HOW TO EXPRESS IT TO HER OR WHAT TO SAY ABOUT IT 😭😭😭😭 GIRL HELP #im being so useless and chinese about it 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i don't know how to talk to people about things that matter #and idk like ok v non-tatimaxxing of me to say but ive been so self centered and going Wahhh these normies will never experience my #Deep Secret Emotions unlockable only by spending too much time on tumblr as a child #on the other hand i feel like once this has gotten out of the way i don't really have an excuse for not connecting with my church friends #yknow. like i don't have to hide this from them any more #they're great people!! and they're going through so much and I need to be there for them but I couldn't even get tothe stupidhospital on tim #not cry typing just ran out of space #anyway I wish I could care more about them I wish I could make genuine connections without having to lie to feel some sort of weird #rush of power over them because I know the truth and they don't when I lie so much I don't even know what the truth is #I've been putting my face on here more lately because I want to be genuine and I want to not hide things #but idk if it'll work I think it might just make me unemployable 😭😭😭#cc diary

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raziraphale · 1 year

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I don't necessarily support the reading that Crowley somehow wasn't aware of his own romantic feelings at all until confronted by Nina/Maggie but indulging for a moment bc it's really funny to imagine a reality where Aziraphale has known about his own feelings since 1941 and thinks they're on the same page of mutual unspoken agreement not to do anything about it while Crowley has no idea. Like Aziraphale truly said "you go too fast for me Crowley" with all the devastation of someone who knows what he's really saying and it went clear over Crowley's head. Can you fucking imagine. What did he think they were talking about

#this point has probably already been made but im having feelings this morning and need to post about it. sorry #like i said it's not my take on it #i think crowley was aware but just surprised at how their relationship is viewed from the outside?#like I don't think him and aziraphale have spent so much time together in front of the same humans before as they did in the S1/S2 gap #and I just don't think it occurs to him that people could come to that conclusion y'know #wish i could find the meta post I'm thinking of that basically says Crowley is having a 'why are we even pretending anymore' epiphany #like (as far as he knows) they're free from heaven and hell. the humans already assume they're together. truly what is the point #in pretending any longer #(here comes the metatron with a steel chair)#reilly.txt #good omens

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the-casbah-way · 1 year

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i feel like everyone is going to eventually get annoyed at me for still being sad about simba or still talking about it but posting abt it is easier than telling someone because i don’t know how to do that and i’d rather be annoying here where people can scroll past and ignore it and not feel obligated to reply

#i don’t even have anything to say i’m just sad #i keep being fine for a while because it doesn’t feel real #and then i remember i never get to take another picture of him or play with him again #i wish i’d gotten a video of him meowing he had such a funny meow i wish you could hear it #i get so sad thinking about him when he was a baby and how he didn’t know it would end up like this #and then thinking that’s dumb because cats do not understand their own mortality anyway #i hope he wasn’t in pain when he died i hope he didn’t feel alone or scared #i wish more than anything that someone had been with him when he died. he was all alone #he should’ve been inside he should’ve been safe he should’ve been looked after properly #there’s no point getting angry at the people who neglected him. they can’t hurt him anymore anyway #but i just wish he got what he deserved he deserved so much better. i hope he knows how much everyone loves him #and that i won’t stop loving him just because he’s not here #he was only a baby he was only two. he should’ve lived for so much longer #again i am sorry for being annoying but i am not coping with this and i feel rlly fucking stupid for being this sad #simba

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lycanwlf · 8 months

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when the disorder that causes insistence on sameness actually causes distress when things arent the same

#andre.txt #vent #i aaaammmm so scarrredd of the new building i have to clean for my jooobbbb #i had such a specific and perfect routine for the past building and now i have to restarrrtttt #everything is new and foreign and i keep getting warned that if i mess up i could get fired hahhaah #mess up as in like. leaving a door unlocked. because none of the doors auto lock anymore :(#and the building is bigger so i have to work longer which fucks up everything in my routine god i hate it here so much #i wish my brain was normal so fucking bad i hate this

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insanechayne · 1 year

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~ ~ ~

#the longer it is that I don’t hear from him the more anxious I get and that’s so stupid and I hate it #I don’t know why so much of my happiness is tied to talking to him #especially because I have a girlfriend now and should probably be more inclined/excited to talk to her #which I am! really! I love talking to her too and wouldn’t have asked her out if I didn’t feel that way #but there’s something about him and this weird connection we have to each other #it’s like I just need to talk to him #my day isn’t complete and my mood gets all screwy if I don’t talk to him #and I know I say this same bullshit here so often but I’m just so fucked up about this all the time #because he’s still in my fucking head and I can’t get rid of him #so I’m stuck in this stupid headspace of wanting to give my all to my girlfriend and still subconsciously pining for him #I wish I could turn it off like he did because he makes it seem so easy to just shut off the temptation and the desire and all of that shit #but it’s just not that easy for me and now I’m so deep in this emotional pit that I feel like I can’t dig myself out #I don’t know what to do about all of this because I don’t have anyone to talk to about it #I used to just talk to him about it but it was hard for him to deal with so I promised I wouldn’t anymore #now I’m just worse for wear and spiraling constantly #personal

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squishied · 9 months

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sometimes its so hard

#it’s ridiculous in all honesty #i have amazing friens ; people who stayed up late until they passed to talk to me #but i still wish i wasn’t here ; these memories of people gnaw at me so hard #and i am so drunk even though they all me to stop and just sleep #but my dreams are haunted by the people that make #christmases and birthdays are haunted by memories of the people that hurt me #and i feel suffocated #suffocated to the point that i don’t know i can if i could stay in this world for much longer #but that’s siuch a horrifying and intense subject to speak to anybody #i. could never tell any of my beloveds and break their heart #and i know it’d break their hearts to leave them but im not sure how many more of these memories i can cope with anymore #a little sister ; a best friend ; hauntingly aching and violent past relationships ; memories of assault and abuse and manipulation and #gaslighting and so much mor #how could anybody keep living with it? i am so lonely #surrounded by those who love me but too many walls ; too much trauma to say any of it out loud #oh how badly i need a hug right now #my beloved friends and boyfriend and little brother i would leave behind me #oh god ; oh god how it aches and hurt. ; the people who hurt me and backstabbed me

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ashtcnirwin · 1 year

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🌻

#sometimes you gotta use your tumblr blog to monologue🧡 or often if you're me #one of the interesting things about going from being a young adult to just a straight up adult is how in a matter of 3-4-5 years---#---the foundation of your daily life can and usually will change so drastically #i think back five years and except for my boyfriend. none of the cornerstones of my day-to-day existence back then exist anymore #the friends i saw on a regular basis no longer live here. they've all moved to other parts of the country #work friends aside i now have...four friends left here. as opposed to the 10-12 i had back then #they're scattered all over the country and i'm lucky if i get to see most of them once a year #the job i loved and adored is no longer one i'm working #it actually doesn't exist at all anymore. the building was torn down and the patients scattered all over town #the path i'd gotten started on in life in terms of education and work is no longer one i'm pursuing #the lifestyle i led is a far cry from the one i'm currently leading #and it's funny is all cos you don't realise that all of these changes are happening in the moment #you just look up one day and realise that a whole part of your life is over #this is starting to sound very sad but that's not it at all #cos truth be told youth is no guarantee for happiness. not in my experience anyway #is there a part of me that looks back and feels a little wistful about the carefree existence i had back then? absolutely #but do i wish to be in my early 20s again? no i do not cos at the time i was fighting battles that i've now overcome #and i have far healthier and more fulfilling sources of joy and happiness in my life now than i did back then #i do think 2018 me would have been lowkey horrified to hear that 2020 me got back into the fangirl lifestyle and that 2023 me is still there #cos i'm fairly certain 2018 me thought that was a past chapter #and that i should've long since grown out of it #but i'd never wanna be without all the good things that faceplanting into the 5sos fandom has brought me #like...even not counting 5sos themselves and everything they are and everything they do---#---i'd NEVER wanna be without all the amazing experiences and encounters that being a fan of theirs have brought me #now i'm just sidetracking cos i'm getting a lil emo #point is that the passage of time is very welcome but also very odd when you take a step back and look at the bigger picture of things

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teddylupin · 1 year

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#*#every day is just discovering new ways i am without #not hot enough not fun enough not cool enough not exciting enough #i dont feel comfortable sharing abt myself anymore #i dont feel like i like the right or correct things #i am a fish outta water #gasping for air and wondering why no one will help me or introduce me or be regular towards me #i am so weird and antisocial in the worst way #i am so awkward again and my love and my friendship are no longer privileges #i dont want to live here anymore #i also wish my neighbor wasnt a weird man who keeps trying to intimidate me when i get home #nothing feels tender or warm #its just well if you dont swim julianne then we will let you sink #i also wish i didnt read a dm this morning that someone killed himself bc of me #bc im awful and i make ppl want to kill themselves #god why does this man want to be so abusive and hateful towards me #i already feel bad enough

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salsflore · 1 year

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#gahhh... feeling silly againn..... spare me!!!! i dont want to feel odd anymore okay #so #cw vent #its just that. i wish i were better at the things i liked to do. its so horrifically demotivating to Not be #everyone tells me me practice makes perfect ^_^ we all learn at our own pace :D its not helpful at all anymore i’m sorry it just #makes me feel worse. how much longer do i have to do this for in order to be satisfied with where i’m at?#its just so embarrassing i guess. putting so much of my time into it and being Here #this applies to all my hobbies actually #nowadays i just feel sad for no reason i’m worried about everything i don’t know #would be nice to nap for a long time. as long as i want. and when i wake up everything is better #because like‚ why is it always me? why did it have to be me that suffers this way?#i’m allowed to be tired.#this is probably less about my hobbies honestly more about the fact i’m just bummed and sad and i have no clue what to do anymore #i do not want to live this way

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purplepollywog · 2 years

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I'm extremely tired of people thinking everything is shit and the world's going to hell. People have been saying this dumb shit since our ancestors banged two rocks together and made fire. It's boring ass defeatism. I'm hardly a ray of sunshine but good god. Stop snorting the worst news you possibly can find. Or only getting it from one source. Or not retaining a healthy amount of skepticism. Or for the love of god not using fucking common sense.

#I wish I could lay down and die tbh but here I am #I wouldn't say I'm a defeatist though #I do what I can but I honestly just don't really care anymore #if the world burns it burns #the earth will fix itself even if humanity is no longer a part of it #but I honestly don't see apocalyptic visions as inevitable or even the direction we're headed 🤷‍♀️

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