#I promised myself to not many of them bc frankly I felt like it opened me up to weirdos in my inbox

[dulcewrites]

Your post about the constant misreading of both Alicent and Rhaenyra was so good I wish I could had it printed on a shirt. Like omg yes, PERFECT TAKE

I’m just gonna assume you mean the most recent one bc I (unfortunately) have quite a bit of post about the bad faith misreading of Alicent, and other characters lol. But thank you ❤️

[deepspacedukat]

I just rewatched TNG's "The Measure of a Man" and I'm having major Data feels. 🥺🥺🥺 Is there any chance I can request some Data fluff? 👉👈 Like maybe some emotional or feels-y fluff from that episode because the reader hasn't told him how they feel yet??? I'm sorry, I'm just so soft for the sweet android boyyy 😭😭😭😭😭😭

HELL YES YOU CAN. The happy sounds that just came out of my mouth when I saw this omfg. Data is the sweetest little android boy and I will never say no to writing for him. I just watched that episode not long ago myself, and I'm having feels too. So here ya go!! Some feels-y fluff. Because Data. Cross-posted to my AO3 here.

If anyone wants to be added to my taglist or wants to submit a fic request, my ask box is always open! If you want to know whether I write for a certain character, have a look here. If the character you want isn’t on the list, I probably just forgot to add them, so please feel free to ask.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Measure Of A Friend

Data (ST:TNG) x Reader

[A/N: This was really fun to write! Data deserves a lot more love, so I hope I did alright! Also, it goes without saying that if you haven’t seen “The Measure of a Man” and don’t want to be spoiled, you shouldn’t read any farther.]

Warnings: None, bc this is just sweet, emotional, fluffy fluff. Unless it needs to be said that there is a spoiler warning for part of “The Measure of a Man”. In which case, you’ve been warned.

~*~

“Data’s what?” I asked feeling horror wash over me.

“He’s being forced to resign. If he doesn’t resign, then Maddox will be able to disassemble him without his consent,” Geordi said as he paced back and forth in a quiet corner of engineering. I could feel the frustration radiating off of him, and frankly I was angry as well.

“How could Starfleet allow that? Data’s a person!”

“Apparently he’s legally property.” Geordi practically spat the last word. “This just isn’t right! Data has earned some of Starfleet’s highest honors and awards and suddenly they decide that it’s morally fine to jeopardize his life for some obsession-driven scientist’s experiment? If he was human they wouldn’t be doing this. Hell, if he was Andorian, Vulcan, or...or anything else, this wouldn’t even be a question. But no. He’s an entirely unique, sentient android.”

“We can’t let this happen, Geordi. Surely there’s something we can do,” I said going over to him and putting my hand on his shoulder.

“I’m going to talk to the Captain and see if he knows anything more that we can work with,” he said, but just before he left, Geordi paused. “I uh...I know you didn’t want me to say anything to Data about your feelings for him. I haven’t broken that, I promise, but given the circumstances, I think it’s time to tell him. You...might not get another chance.”

My stomach felt like it turned into lead. Geordi was right. I’d been waiting for the right time to tell Data how I felt - if ever - but I might not have that luxury now. I nodded my head in acknowledgment, and Geordi hurried to find the Captain.

“Computer, where is Lieutenant Commander Data?” I asked walking toward a turbolift.

“Lieutenant Commander Data is in his quarters,” the computer responded and I called for the turbolift to take me to Deck Two.

--

After taking a deep breath, I pressed the door chime to Data’s quarters, hoping I wouldn’t make an ass of myself with this. When he called out for me to enter, I hesitated a moment before doing so. Data paused in the middle of putting something into a little blue container and gave me his usual inquisitive look.

“Is there something you need, Ensign?” Even though I wanted so desperately to say that all I ever needed was him, I found myself stammering out a different reply altogether.

“I...I guess I didn’t believe it when Geordi told me, but...y-you’re really leaving, aren’t you?” I asked quietly, internally grimacing at the trepidation in my voice. Data had so many more important things to deal with right now. Why was I wasting his time?

“I am. Circumstances necessitate my immediate resignation and departure,” he stated taking a few steps toward me. “Are you feeling alright? Your breathing is slightly irregular, and you seem preoccupied.”

“No. No, Data, I’m not alright,” I answered in nearly a whisper. Anyone else wouldn’t have heard me, but I knew Data would. I couldn’t hold his gaze anymore. Looking away, I wrapped my arms almost subconsciously around my middle.

“Ensign-”

“I don’t want to lose you, Data,” I blurted before I could stop myself. Tears blurred my vision and I swallowed around a lump in my throat. As I looked down at the floor, Data’s perfectly shined uniform shoes stepped in front of me. He said my name quietly, coaxing me to look up, and when I did he put his arms out to offer me a hug. I stepped into them without hesitation, and even though his movements were a bit stiff, I knew he was doing his best to be comforting. He always did his best. I put my arms around his waist as he held me, and I couldn’t help the tears that dampened the shoulder of his uniform.

“My neural pathways have become accustomed to your sensory inputs,” Data stated. “I have no desire to leave, but it is necessary. I shall miss you, Ensign. You have become a close friend.”

“Data...I would never forgive myself if I didn’t tell you while I had the chance, so...please forgive me if what I’m about to say is out of line,” I muttered still hiding my face against his shoulder. If he did reject me after I told him how I felt, I didn’t want to see the look on his face when he did it.

“You are always free to tell me anything you wish. Is that not what friends are for?” He asked innocently. I nodded my head quietly against him and took a deep steadying breath.

“Data, we’ve become good friends in the time we’ve served together. Of all the crew, I trust you the most...I feel the most comfortable around you...I feel safe around you,” I started quietly. “What I’m trying to say is...Data, I’ve developed...feelings for you.”

“Of what nature are these feelings?” He asked sounding both confused and intrigued.

“They’re of a...romantic nature,” I said feeling as though my breath was getting stuck in my throat.

“You are trembling, Ensign. Are you cold, or are you afraid of my potential response to such a confession?” He asked and...it was such a Data thing to ask that a small, nervous giggle escaped my lips.

“Th-The second one,” I whispered, and Data pulled back just far enough to tilt my chin up and look into my eyes.

“There is no need to be afraid. I am honored by your feelings toward me. I have always been curious about the romantic feelings that humans and other species experience. I have been in what may be classified as ‘romantic relationships’ before, but neither was successful. I have considered a third such attempt, and of the entire crew of the Enterprise, if I were to try again, I would prefer it be with you,” he said matter-of-factly, and my heart skipped a beat. “If the Captain’s legal challenge on behalf of my right to choose to reject Commander Maddox’s procedure is successful, would you be interested in assisting me?”

“Data, was that your way of asking me out if you get to stay?” I asked hardly believing my ears.

“Yes,” he said quite simply, and I cupped his cheek softly as I agreed. “Then I hope the Captain achieves a favorable outcome.”

--

As Geordi and I waited in Ten Forward together for the result of Data’s hearing, I told him what had happened in Data’s quarters a few days before.

“You see? I knew it was a good idea to tell him how you feel. Data always ends up talking about you in some manner when the two of us are off-duty,” Geordi said with a smile.

“I just hope the Captain is able to resolve this,” I muttered, staring at the synthehol in my glass like it could give me the answer I was waiting for. Ten Forward was almost empty by then. “I think I’m going out of my mind with all this waiting.”

The doors to Ten Forward hissed open as I let out a sigh, and Geordi sat up a little straighter.

“I think our wait is just about over,” he said looking over my shoulder. I turned to see Data walking toward our table, and I stood so quickly I almost knocked over my chair.

“Honey, I am home,” Data said in a voice resembling that of an old television show character. “That is the correct phrase for greeting one’s significant other, is it not?”

“Y-You mean you can stay?” I asked feeling joy bubble up in my chest.

“Affirmative. The Captain’s argument was successful. As one might say in romantic literature, I am all yours,” he said, and without giving a damn who saw, I threw my arms around him. Data held me in much the same manner as he had in his quarters, patting my back softly. “Would it be appropriate to kiss you now, Ensign?”

Pulling back just far enough to look into his eyes, I smiled through my happy tears.

“Yes, Data,” I murmured, and with extreme care, Data’s lips met mine.

[tequiladimples]

I hope this doesn't come off as rude, but I saw that you dislike when collision is branded het cause you're not het, but no one's talking about you personally? like for me, I really like collision but I can understand the criticism in a way and that isn't an attack on you (or an attack at all lol). again hope I'm not rude but idk it seems unnecessary to get upset, it's better to take it as constructive criticism

sigh i don't think ur rude but it simply isn't constructive.

look i’ll talk abt this one more time n then i Beg we can put it to rest! (this is gna be a lot of word vomit but if i'm elaborative now i hope i won't have to talk abt this ever again)

i’m deeply insecure abt many aspects of collision. i don’t really keep that a secret. i also know some ppl don't like fantasy, some ppl don't like the kinds of dynamics i like, some ppl don't vibe with my style of writing (hell, i barely vibe with my style of writing). those things are fine. i can't control that and i don't take that personally. the reason why this is the one critique i do take personally is because it genuinely presumes wrongful, harmful things about me and my values, especially when i've made deliberate efforts to avoid writing the exact flavor of fic they're accusing me of having written. just because people don’t mean for what they say to reflect back on me, doesn’t stop it from doing so.

the thing about calling something a “het fic” is that the term brings along certain connotations which i don’t stand by at all and feel deeply uncomfortable and distraught to possibly have created. i’ve gone over this godforsaken story again and again just to be absolutely sure i didn’t actually do so. when people say “het fic” they generally don’t mean “boy meets girl and they fall in love”, they mean “super rude and mean boy meets uptight virtuous girl and makes her fall in dependence with him through manipulation and treating her like shit until she behaves how he wants.” and that is straight up not the fic i wrote. i’m not stupid. i know the dynamic i went with is widely and easily misused and there’s a lot of fiction depicting really bad, uneven, unhealthy relationships through it. i knew this going in, and i’ve tried persistently to avoid making those same mistakes. 

skipping over the fact that they’re both boys (bc duh)--harry doesn't exhibit any real manipulative power over louis. collision harry is a grumpy, fruity little nerd who happened upon a really unfortunate lot in life and managed to trick himself into believing he's evil for like half a second of the story and his resolves crumble like a danish pastry the moment he receives his first hug. he's kind of aloof and arrogant, and understandably hardened from his past, but he's not bad. he's just lost. that's the basis of his character arc. now on the other hand, louis has harry wrapped around his finger starting like chapter 4. harry’s the one who opens up emotionally first, harry’s the one desperately seeking louis’ approval and caring about his opinion, harry’s the one who makes himself vulnerable continuously throughout the entire story. the only time louis makes himself vulnerable on a comparable scale is during the smut scenes, and even then, harry is gentle and attentive and puts louis first. louis is less experienced than harry in that area, but he isn't scared or intimidated by harry, and he has full reigns of the progression and nature of their relationship as a whole. that’s kind of how it needs to go with tough x soft dynamics for the power balance to not feel uneven, and i wrote the story accordingly. if you then happen to still be so blindly determined to associate soft/small with weakness (and thereby uh, womanhood ig) that you still felt like louis had an inferior position to harry solely because he is indeed soft/small, that sounds quite frankly like a you problem.

now, the whole point of louis’ character is that he’s underestimated. sure, he’s naive and self-centered and sheltered from the real world--that’s the basis of his character arc. those things all change. but louis isn’t ever weak. like idk who apparently needs to hear this but you can be small and simultaneously not be a pushover. the two aren’t mutually exclusive. there isn’t a single time louis takes shit in this story, especially not from harry; he gives back as good as he gets every time. oh! and then he literally saves the entire universe and the execution of that whole thing was his idea alone. i tried really hard to underline how strong-willed and full of grit he is to contrast what others think of him. if you think he’s portrayed as a meek and frail damsel, you missed the point. once again, i feel like we circle back to this misconception of louis being kind of naive and physically small = louis being inferior = louis being female. just do some soul searching.

(i could also get into the fact that for a bunch of people who don’t know these boys personally (no matter how much we like to think we do), this fandom is weirdly opinionated about characterization. especially regarding sexual stuff. i know creating a version for ourselves of who we think these boys are based on things we recognize in ourselves or things we find endearing is part of the comfort with loving them. but that doesn’t really equate to actually knowing them, and besides, this is fan fiction; no one’s opting to write a biography, anyway. being experimental and explorative and putting different aspects of their personalities in different lightings is what makes fic fun. if someone’s writing harmful or one-dimensional characters, that’s one thing, and preferences is again whatever floats your boat. but the “out of character” argument feels mostly really strange to me. this is a bit of a tangent, though.)

lastly, the thing is that i will and i do take it personally if someone insinuates that a character--a gay character--that i, a lesbian, construed is a secret vessel for expressing heterosexual attraction. if someone calls louis a “self-insert”, that does reflect back on me. and to elaborate on that--i don’t particularly love to bring it up, but it's quite disheartening to pour personal PTSD experiences into a character and rly put effort into doing it right and justice and underline growth and healing, just to find out people disregard all that completely in favor of declaring that my self-projection lies in the attraction to a man--which is to say, the one thing i couldn’t possibly feel more estranged from. it's so incredibly tactless. i feel thoroughly whiny at this point but how is that not supposed to make me a little sad?

anyway. none of this is to say that you can’t dislike or critique collision. you can. sometimes ppl don’t like things. but i hope i’m clear about where i’m coming from with my discomfort now. people’s preferences and dislikes are indeed not mine to be hurt by, but these things are. this definitely got unnecessarily long and i probably look like i take myself unbearably seriously (i promise i don’t), so i’m sorry. but at least i've said everything now, and if i encounter this sort of rhetoric in the future, i have something to redirect people to. also anon, none of this is directly pointed at you, i know you mean well. take care <3

[mallowstep]

tbh i think what ur doing rn w the cws above the readmores and actual content is fine? it doesn’t expose more than, for example, a sa tw tag bc tumblr would still show what tag was being filtered out. i’m also fairly sure blocking u would make ur posts not show up in tags so if it’s a huge problem people can just block u

i suppose it's somewhat self-evident that i feel it is sufficient. if i didn't, i would do more.

ultimately, i know what is realistic to expect of myself, and that's written cws and readmores. tumblr gives you the tools to block out text as well (i've got one of my triggers blocked because it's a common trigger and squick that people don't fucking tag you think you do but you don't), and like. i'd want people to block me if what i do isn't enough because i can't promise more than that.

i think it is Unreasonable to expect me to not tag characters, as angst is part of what some people want (there was that Excellent mistystar drowns leopardstar comic in the leopardstar tag, for example), not to mention it's something i do for myself (my frustration at not being able to find my tigerstar drowns leopardstar scene, for example, and i was Lucky i had saved the draft of the post). especially since i have given you a tag to block if you don't want to see it.

with that in mind, there are triggers and squicks that are hard to block if one doesn't tag them. cults, for example. at no point does cult come up in the text, and it's frankly not something i usually include in a content warning.

so i do think asking me to tag that, and adding an abuse tag, is reasonable. my response is, i'll do my best but i can't guarantee anything.

in conclusion: obviously, i was doing something i thought was appropriate. someone made a request for a way to avoid the human misty au

i thought the way they wanted me to do that was unreasonable, so i asked for some input and found a solution that would allow people to avoid content they don't want to see.

you know -- i'm happy to do my best to provide tags. and i think on my end, as a content creator, it is reasonable to expect people to block tags they don't want to see. you know?

content warnings may be a new trend (god, does anyone else remember opening a fic on ffn and not knowing the hell you were getting into?), but it's a good trend imo, and one i'm happy to promote. i have personal reasons for some of what i do, and i have memory problems, and i'm a person, so i can't be perfect.

i, as an angst Creator and Consumer, and as a fic Writer, was admittedly somewhat affronted by the initial ask, not because of the request itself, but because it phrased it as though character tags exist purely for (feel-good) fanart. i assume the anon did not mean it this way (rsd is a bitch), but i Felt Like, "should i not tag 'for moments that we stole' with #squirrelflight, then?" again, not saying anyone Meant That, i'm just sharing what I Thought.

that's like. it's. i get really, really anxious about this. i'm Always Concerned i will not tag or warn for something. that's Part of why i prefer written out warnings to tag warnings, as well as: they're up top. you can't miss them.

if, for example, i don't want to see...drowning. if that's not something i want to see, but i hadn't thought of blocking it, and the only warning is in a tag, i don't know that going in. and that feels wrong to me. and yes, i could do both, and i do for csa, but that's the only promise i make. that, while i cannot provide a 100% guarantee of anything, i am very serious about tagging for it.

but anyway, it's kind of like. when i scroll through a character tag, fanart is great, but there's nothing like -- finding a new fic for them. and so like. again i don't think the anon meant this in the slightest, but it was phrasing that just bugged me.

i say all of this as like. i guess an example of how. there is not one good/reasonable approach. there are many.

when it comes to warnings and tags, my goal is always to provide people the ability to choose what they want to consume. that's why i put things under readmores and put cws up top. i understand skipping posts on mobile is hard, and i'll admit lately my standards for "requires a readmore" have gone up, but still -- i feel that approach is reasonable and sufficient. you have been warned; if you choose to continue consuming, that's on you.

however, it is equally reasonable to say, "i think you should tag cws." well, i won't (in a general sense), but i can do my best to be more compatible with that approach. if that means...i don't usually write a cw for cult, and people want me to, i will try to tag #cults. that's an equally reasonable request.

anyway this was supposed to be wrap-up. uh. real conclusion.

i think what i am doing is sufficient, or i'd be doing more. however, i respect that other people have different "protocols" for this, and i can do my best to be compatible with that.

i'm also -- before i wrap up, i just want to say, i do appreciate everyone being calm and rational during the discussion. it feels like something i shouldn't have to say, but i'm sure we've all been on the internet long enough to know that's not always what happens. it would have been easy for someone to be quite angry with me, and i'm just glad that they weren't.

[dontasktheradiodemon]

I Love You (3/14/2021)

Buddy I don’t even need to summarize this thread, I can just tag it with tropes like it’s a fic, here watch me go: #angst #hurt/comfort #anguished declarations of love #tw depression #tw suicidal ideation

Immediate sequel to this thread but reading it is optional. Basically, it’s nearly impossible to spend very long in Hell without developing a guilt complex and fantasizing about whether it’d be better to stop being; Alastor and Telly @usedhearts open up to each other about theirs.

Frankly it’s a startling display of mutual emotional vulnerability and I’m proud of them both.

Sir Pentious

whenever he came back from that, what did he do

cause it said he went right to telly so 👀

Alastor

Initially? Probably just tracked him down in whatever he was currently doing and went “can I hold you”

Sorta, holding it together by a thread barely

Sir Pentious

telly probably noticed but just 'yes' and let him Hold Him no matter how grimy he was at the time

Alastor

And he’ll be content with that for about three minutes before that one thread starts fraying and he goes “... can you hold me”

Sir Pentious

thats all it takes for him to coil around alastor and hold him Tight

Alastor

Curls up tight in him and sobs on his shoulder.

Sir Pentious

telly just holds him TIGHTER

makes little comforting/soothing sounds

he doesnt know why he's upset but he will be there for him

Alastor

They’re just both gonna be grimy and that’s Fine.

Sir Pentious

so very grimy

they can take baths later

Alastor

When he’s finally capable of attempting coherent speech again the first thing he’s gonna get out is “I never, ever, ever want to leave you.”

Sir Pentious

telly just takes his face in one hand and cradles it so gently and just 'ok, alright, you don't have to.'

give him a kiss

forehead kiss bc he's probably snotty

Alastor

He’s definitely snotty. He’s full on ugly sobbing.

Sir Pentious

oh hes probably not smiling huh

i think thats probably the first time telly sees that

Alastor

NOPE, he lost that sometime while he was hiding in Telly’s shoulder.

First time Telly’s seen him with the mask off

Sir Pentious

god thats got him WORRIED and he just HUGS HIM AGAIN NICE AND TIGHT AND COILED

telly: ive got you. ive got you, im here, it's alright...

Alastor

He’s just gonna keep clinging as hard as he can, he got out One sentence and now he’s sobbing too hard to talk again.

It’s a lot of radio static and feedback noise

Sir Pentious

telly is just going to KEEP HOLDING HIM god himself couldnt pry this snake off this deer and would get bitten and injected with venom for trying

Alastor

He’ll gradually stop sobbing and the shaking will decrease to shivering

Sir Pentious

telly's just going to hold him through it all, pet his hair, massage at the base of his ears, everything he can do to soothe him

Alastor

Mumbles his gratitude and an apology for interrupting telly’s work

Sir Pentious

telly: no no don't apologize. i love you and i want to be here for you. my work will still be there. id much rather know that you're alright and have it be interrupted than you be upset or hurting and you not come to me for fear of interrupting me.

Alastor

Mumble mumble he could have handled it himself

Sir Pentious

telly: i don't _want_ you to have to handle it yourself. i'm here for you, alastor. i want you to know that you can come to me whenever you need me and i'll be here.

Alastor

Tries to say three different things but chokes on them all and just wheezes out another thanks.

Sir Pentious

he just gets a squeeze and a kiss to the nearest him surface

Alastor

He keeps holding on until he can get a small, tired smile fixed back on his face, and then he pulls back to say “Thanks” again.

Sir Pentious

he gets another forehead kiss and then telly gonna lead him to the bathroom and they are taking a BATH they are now both covered in grim AND snot

Alastor

You know, that’s fair. Bath time. Strips down to boxers, climbs in with Telly, and Clings again. ... and sorry about Telly’s clothes, he’ll clean them before the snot fossilizes

Sir Pentious

Those were his dirty work clothes, it's fine, the Eggs will wash them. But it is BATHTIME, and they are both getting a scrubbing. Moreso Telly than Alastor tho.

Alastor

... can Alastor get a scrubbing too

Sir Pentious

Absolutely!

A softer scrubbing than Telly gets

Alastor

He’s going all jelly-eyed again. It’s ok he’s fine.

Sir Pentious

He gets a nice wash cloth and a nice gently scented soap, and a boyfriend to hum to him as he kinda reverently cleans him.

Alastor

He gets self-conscious SO fast, he’s gonna hold his breath and slide under the water. It’s fine he’s fine

Sir Pentious

Telly just smiles and giggles bc that's cute, you're cute Alastor. Probably wraps his tail tip around Alastor's ankle to gently and playfully tug him thru the water.

Alastor

!!! Grabs Telly’s wrists to pull him down into the water.

Sir Pentious

Now they're both underwater!! Gonna tussle with a sea serpent in his natural element, huh, Alastor!! Play time, silly mode ACTIVATED

Alastor

GOOD he’s ready to wrestle. He’s trying not to laugh, he doesn’t want to inhale water.

Sir Pentious

Time to PLAY and WRASSLE!!

Tumbling and splashing and a big grinning snake!!

Alastor

Alastor’s got a surefire way to win this wrestling match! He’s gonna GRAPPLE THE SNAKE COMPLETELY. ... basically he’s just hugging him. Hi.

Sir Pentious

Grapple the snake and the snake grapples back. Now you're wrapped in a tail Alastor, and getting a mermaid kiss.

Alastor

Oh no, what shall he do. This definitely wasn’t his plan. Totally wasn’t. Not at all. Nope.

Sir Pentious

Kiss kiss fall in love, and he's rising up out of the water, because he wants that mouth OPEN for TONGUE.

Alastor

When they get out of the water, Alastor breaks the kiss—sorry, not going for tongue this time

Sir Pentious

Telly blinks and just brief pouting, but holds him close all the same. Kisses cheek instead.

Alastor

“Sorry. Just... tired.” Considering he sobbed about half the liquid out of his body earlier,

Sir Pentious

Wipes the wet hair off his forehead and then kisses it. "That's fine. Come on then, lets get out and dry off. Would you like a snack before bed?"

Alastor

“I need a drink. Not a drink-drink, just a drink. Fluids.”

Sir Pentious

"Of course. I'll get you some water, once we dry off."

Alastor

A nod. He’s still in a quiet mood.

Sir Pentious

Telly gonna carry him out of the bath and set him on a rug. Get towel and start drying him

Alastor gets dried first because Telly Must Care For Him.

Alastor

He puts up a token struggle against this but okay as long as he goes next.

Sir Pentious

He will. Alastor gets handed a Towel and offered his pick of head or tail.

Alastor

Head this time.

Sir Pentious

He Offers Himself on Alastor's drying alter.

Alastor

Alastor Shall Dry This Offering. And while he does he says hesitatingly, “You don’t have to ask if you don’t want to. But you can if you want.” Because it’s been weighing heavily on him as Really Fucking Weird that he just unloaded a hurricane on Telly’s nice jacket and at no point did Telly ask what that was all about

Sir Pentious

He considers it and shrugs a little. "That depends: Do you want to tell me, or would you rather not tonight?"

Alastor

He has to think about it a moment. “I think you should know.”

Sir Pentious

"Alright. Then tell me."

Alastor

Thinks about it; but then just keeps drying.

Sir Pentious

Telly just looks up at him and blinks. "Well?"

Alastor

Stops drying again. “You’re sure?” Listen, this is hard to share,

Sir Pentious

"Yes. If it had you that upset and you say that I _should_ know, then I would like to know."

Alastor

He shouldn’t have said that. He wraps the towel around Telly, hugs him, and sighs. Okay.

Sir Pentious

He's just going to lay there on the rug with Alastor, and the towel wrapped around him. And state with his big ole eyes.

Alastor

No... Not the big ole eyes... That makes this harder. He’s gotta look away. “I... don’t want to be... here.” YEAH ALASTOR GREAT START, SUPER CLEAR, RADIO HOST OF THE YEAR

Sir Pentious

A very confused furrowed brow. "Meaning what?"

Alastor

“In Hell. In—existence.” He swallows hard. “Hell wears you down. It—rubs your soul raw. It sandpapers you off a bit at a time. And I’m—I’m tired.”

Sir Pentious

A soft, concerned look and a hand cupping his face. "Oh, love...I can understand that feeling. I'm...I'm tired too. It is very tiring. Before I met Hel, I'd been close to giving up entirely. And then before I met you, I'd been ready to check myself into that hotel, just to see if it was possible. Something to change the tedium...."

Alastor

“I spend so much of my time going on walks. I don’t have anything else to do but go on walks.” He covers Telly’s hand with his own so he can press into it and shuts his eyes. “Almost every year, I wonder whether this is going to be the year that I decide to go for a walk when the angels come.”

Sir Pentious

And his heart clenches so tightly in his chest. "Don't." The word is soft and unbidden, desperate.

"There have been many a year where I've felt the same...where I thought it would be better to just end it. But I didn't. Mostly out of spite, but that can only get you so far. I like having love to live for better. Or exist for. Neither of us are living." A dry, bitter, short chuckle.

Alastor

His heart skips a beat at the word, so pronounced he flinches at the odd th-thump. Still not used to those. “I won’t. *I never want to leave you.*” He pulls Telly close. “And you’ll stay here?”

Sir Pentious

"I will." It's a promise, a swear, and he can't help but sit up to kiss him, at least once. "Don't leave me and I'll stay here, too."

Alastor

Alastor returns the kiss; it’s not a formal pact with magic and all, but it feels like one. “Then we’ll both stay.” He presses his forehead to Telly’s, eyes still shut. “It’s... heavy, though.”

Sir Pentious

"I know. Damn it, do I _know_. Humans like us, we weren't meant to be eternal. It _fucks_ with us, especially knowing that we've already died. But you have me now. And I have you. And if we share our loads, it won't seem as heavy." He may be crying, just a bit, and luckily only from the face eyes.

Alastor

“Knowing we’ve died—and knowing we aren’t *worth* eternity. I know I’m not. I know Hell is a punishment, but—sometimes it feels so *generous.*”

But he nods, slightly, with their heads still together. “But—I have you and you have me. And good God, am I glad I do.”

Sir Pentious

"I understand. I know exactly what you mean." Sighs and wraps his arms around him.

"I'm glad to have you too. I...I love you." A small kiss.

Alastor

"I love you, too." And it hurts like hellfire to say. It's the thing keeping him chained here, and it's also such a part of the reason why Hell hurts at all.

He presses his face to Telly's shoulder; this time, at least, his crying is quiet.

Sir Pentious

His breath catches and the tears come again, more freely. He can feel the eyes on his tail beginning to leak as well, can't control it in the moment. Telly's arms wrap more tightly around Alastor, and one of his hands moves up to stroke and card through his hair. He squeezes his eyes (on his face) shut again, he shakes with quiet sobs, holding Alastor to him as if everything depended on keeping him close.

Alastor

He holds Telly just as tightly, an arm around his back and an arm around his shoulders. Guilt twists in him at being the one to make Telly cry; but Alastor’s not crying hard, this time around he can support Telly through his sobbing.

Sir Pentious

They're not hard sobs, instead soft little things, hiccups more like, and along with them comes a soft chorus of "Love you, love you, love you." The amount of emotions that are roiling around inside of him, who knows if the crying is sadness, happiness, or something else. But there is an overabundance and he is letting it out.

Alastor

And Alastor will keep supporting him until it’s all out, the same way Telly did earlier. He briefly lowers one hand to Telly’s tail and gently tugs, encouraging him to coil around Alastor if he wants. He can deal with a dozen eyes crying on him.

Sir Pentious

The tail barely needs any encouragement, it is up and coiling in an instant, squeezing Alastor's lower half. Not hard enough to hurt, but definitely very tight. Telly doesn't take too long to calm, the tears stopping and his breathing evening out. Then he's just breathing deeply against Alastor, still holding him tight, but with less desperation.

Alastor

Alastor rubs Telly’s back as the tears slowly stop coming. Once Telly’s breathing has steadied, Alastor murmurs, “How do you feel?”

Sir Pentious

"I'm not sure. I'm happy, but tired, and sad that you felt so tired, too."

Alastor

“I don’t want you to be sad on my behalf.” He sighs quietly. “But if there’s happiness in there too...”

Sir Pentious

"I can't help it, I love you, and knowing that you hurt, it hurts me too. But that's not to say 'don't tell me when you're hurting' because I _want_ to know. So that I can help if I can. Or just hold you, if that's what you need. But I'm happy because you love me, and you're here with me, and we can help each other. And that is what's most important, more than anything." A soft sigh in return, and a gentle kiss to his shoulder.

Alastor

“That’s the worst part of this whole thing, isn’t it? We’ve got to carry each other’s pain on top of our own—and then we feel guilty for paining each other.” Alastor laughs ruefully. “But I’m here for you. For whatever damage control we can do.” He returns the kiss.

Sir Pentious

"It's quite something: you want your love to not hurt, but then your hurt hurts them, and they don't want you to hurt, but their hurt hurts you, and it's just another fucking ouroboros." He laughs, a bit of a hysterical tinge to it. "But I'll endure it. For you."

Alastor

“I’ve always thought there was something beautiful in the image of devouring oneself alive.” There wasn’t anything beautiful in *this,* but maybe he could find it. “I will, too. As long as I give you more happiness than unhappiness.”

Sir Pentious

Telly pulls back just a tad, enough to see Alastor's face. He cups it and kisses him, pressing their foreheads together again. "You already have."

Alastor

“Make sure I keep it up.” He cupped Telly’s face as well, running his thumbs over his cheeks. “We’ve only just gotten started, and there’s a long eternity ahead of us.”

Sir Pentious

"I will. I hold you to that." A bit of a smirk, and he's uncoiling, and grabbing the towel again. "I'm mostly dry but still a little damp. Let's finish up and get some water, _I'm_ thirsty now too."

Alastor

Huff. “*Right.* Of course.” He retrieves the towel he’d wrapped around Telly’s shoulders and helps, taking special care with the tear streaks around his many eyes. “We can try out another one of your herbal teas, see if this’ll be the one I like. I can whip up something or other to go with it.”

Sir Pentious

Telly smiles and finishes drying, before taking Alastor's hand. He kisses it and then wraps it around his arm to start slithering towards the kitchen. "Anything in particular you want to try tonight? Or should I just try and pick something that I think you'll perhaps like?"

Alastor

“Whatever you want. It still all tastes like fruity tea to me.” He laughs self-consciously. “I’ll get there.”

Sir Pentious

"Maybe something with some citrus? For a zest? I have a few mixes like that." They are now in the kitchen and Telly's going to get the kettle on and then dig around for the teas.

Alastor

“Sure, I could use some zest.” He starts rummaging around to see what he can make that goes with something citrusy. He’s got this place pretty well outfitted by now, if he says so himself.

Sir Pentious

"Alright, I have a green tea with orange, clove, and ginger. It's very tasty, has a good bite." He hummed as he got out the clear pot that he'd used before, and two cups.

Alastor

Green tea, what goes with green tea? He’s got no idea what goes with green tea. He can slap together some tea sandwiches that go with orange, clove, and ginger, though. “How does chicken sound?” And perhaps a more important question: “When did you last eat?”

Sir Pentious

Cue him pausing as his brain starts to work, trying to remember. "Ahhh...this morning? Breakfast, yes, I think that was when." Oh look how concentrated he is on pouring the water into the pot he is now.

Alastor

Maybe something a bit more substantial than a rinkydink tea sandwich, then. “Would you say that tea’s more clove-y or ginger-y?

Sir Pentious

He lifts the dried tea to his mouth to blelele and hums. "More clove-y."

Alastor

“Then let’s make that beef instead of chicken. Compliments it better without having to toss in a dozen other spices—and we don’t want to overpower the tea, do we...” He presumes they don’t want to, anyway. He checks the fridge to see what they’ve got on hand. Watch out, he’s switching into Cooking Mode.

Sir Pentious

Telly loves when he switches into cooking mode. He's just going to move the cups and the pot to the table and then settle in to watch.

Alastor

Okay, keep it simple—he grabbed some roast beef, onions, watercress, mayo, and some odds and ends to mix into the mayo that will *hopefully* compliment the tea, passing each ingredient one by one to his shadow to find a place for on the counter. Alastor swoops by Telly to give him a quick squeezing hug on his way to start prepping sandwiches—maybe a slightly longer hug. Maybe he’ll linger here a moment.

Sir Pentious

Oh! A hug, yes, a hug is good. Get that snake purring like an engine. He's very tempted to coil but he won't, he's getting hungry just watching.

Alastor

Okay, no, no getting emotional. Twice in one day is enough. He’s got fancy mayo to prepare. He lets go and hurries to the counter. “So. What’s... What were you working on earlier?” Don’t mind if his voice is a little rough, it’s fine.

Sir Pentious

"Oh, just more repairs. Installing new parts and making some delicate calibrations that the Eggs can't handle." He's watching Alastor and not even paying attention to the tea, that's gonna seep for a good while.

Alastor

“I ought to take an evening or two to help out with repairs.” He’s talking as much to himself as to Telly. “I keep coming over and *watching,* there’s no reason I can’t pick up a wrench or screwdriver and pitch in.”

Sir Pentious

"I'd love for you to help, I can get instruct you what to do just fine, I know how capable you are." A smile, and then he's re-noticing the tea and pouring a cup. Adds a little honey for sweetness and takes a satisfied sip.

Alastor

He passes over the first sandwich. “If it goes horribly with the tea: I’m sorry, forgive me, I did my best, it’s not my fault.”

Sir Pentious

Telly laughs. "I'm sure it will be fine, Alastor." He takes the sandwich and bites, and then takes a sip of tea, and then makes a very surprised and delighted noise. "Oh, that tastes wonderful."

Alastor

“Good!” He finishes his own, takes a bite—good—and pours some tea for himself to try—well, it still tastes like tea, but like, at least a tea that pairs well with the sandwich. “The good news is I think I’m starting to differentiate the taste of green tea from other teas.”

Sir Pentious

A smile. "Good! I'm glad. Maybe you're acquiring the taste for tea, at least a bit." A wink, and then he's back to eating. He finishes it far, far too fast-- Telly really does just inhale his food when propriety isn't a factor-- and then he's just sipping his tea. His tail slides over to curl around Alastor's calf.

Alastor

Alastor's taken two bites. He pauses before the third. "... Do you want another sandwich?"

Sir Pentious

Oh, shy snake look, and then a little nod. "Yes, please." And his tail retracts to let Alastor move.

Alastor

He waves his shadow over to do it and nudges Telly's tail with his foot. He's staying put.

Sir Pentious

Oh! Good, the tail is curling back around and holding him, and he smiles just so fond and bright. And another sip of tea.

Alastor

Alastor returns the smile—it still looks tired, but it’s just a little warmer when he meets Telly’s gaze. “I’m sorry I threw you off your schedule today.” Such as it was; Alastor was getting the distinct impression that Telly’s schedule was *however much I can get done today in as many hours as I can keep working.* “I’ll help you get back on track. And next time it’s your turn to have an emotional breakdown, all right?”

Sir Pentious

He laughs softly, and reaches over to take Alastor's hand, thumb stroking gently. "Alright, but you have to mop up after." A snicker.

Alastor

Alastor squeezed Telly’s hand. “It’s a deal.”

Sir Pentious

He hums and takes another sip of his tea, not letting go of Alastor's hand. "Is my other sandwich done?"

Alastor

Alastor glances over.

His shadow is just, sorta, standing there, awkwardly, holding a sandwich, watching this tender moment. Heyyy.

Alastor gestures. Go on, put the man’s sandwich down.

Sir Pentious

And he is devouring the sandwich, very happily. A contented snake.

Alastor

Well, for all Alastor’s flaws, at least he can help keep one snake fed—and that’s something, isn’t it? He continues eating his own sandwich. It’s a little awkward with one hand, but right now nothing could make him let go of Telly.

[artificialqueens]

Pulling Leaves Off Trees, Chapter 1: Been Through the Wringer a Couple Times (Multi) - Sportkuras

Summary:

c’est bon: damnnn

c’est bon: wait. jan isnt your apartment near shea’s

human girl: @jansport spill

Jan could feel her stomach drop as she looked at the message.

“Oh, goddamn it.”

—

Or: The girls try to survive college, and everything else that comes with almost being an adult.

A/N: my first fic here on artificialqueens! i noticed that arent many college au’s and group chat fics of the s12 cast so i let myself be self-indulgent for once!! its unbeta’d so apologies lmao but you can talk to me here and you can find the ao3 link here! comment if you’d like!

***

Jan started her morning like almost every college student in their third year would: to be woken up by their alarm after a night of heavy drinking. She woke up with a start and groaned as Chromatica II started blaring from her phone, blindly reaching for it on her nightstand and peering at the time.

Damn. One in the afternoon, huh?

“Thank god I don’t have class today.” The blonde muttered as she checked her notifications: 7 from Twitter, 3 from Insta, and 1 from their group chat. She sat up from her bed and scrolled through the chat, trying to quell her pounding headache.

Bon Voy

Members: jaidaessencehall, heidininacloset, jansport, jackiecox, gigigoode, crystalmethyd, britafilter, dahliasin, nickydoll, aidenzhane, and widowvondu

lebron essence ball: okay so

lebron essence ball: me and shea are at the library rn and she’s complaining to me abt how she couldnt sleep right

lebron essence ball: and chile….it was bc someone was getting RAILED last night lmaooo

lebron essence ball: she said, and i quote, “the bitch had such a good time even I’M jealous”

c’est bon: damnnn

c’est bon:wait. jan isnt your apartment near shea’s

human girl: @jansport spill

human girl: also

human girl: feels weird that we didn’t start this day with a good morning announcement from jan

c’est bon: the vibes were off 😞

Jan could feel her stomach drop as she looked at the message, “Oh, goddamn it.” She’s now acutely aware of their apartment door opening and Rock’s footsteps padding from outside her room, most likely just coming home from her class. She suddenly remembered exactly what happened last night; most especially memories of what happened between her and her roommate . Memories of them being drunk as hell, coming back to their apartment from god knows how many bars, going to Jan’s room giggling like teenagers on a sleepover and well. You know.

Jan checked her phone again.

lebron essence ball: jannette….would you happen to know who was the lucky gal? 👀

backpack backpack: good morning to you too gigi 🙄

human girl: *Afternoon, actually

human girl: Now spill! I know you know almost everyone on that floor.

She pinched the bridge of her nose. How in the hell was she gonna say that her and Rock got drunk and hooked up as casually as possible? She could lie, but Jaida, Brita and Widow could smell bullshit coming from a mile away, and she’s a horrible liar. They’d know she was bluffing.

Might as well get it over it. She let out a sigh as she typed out a message, hoping that it was only Jaida, Nicky and Gigi who were online.

backpack backpack: haha yeah so um

backpack backpack: that was me & rock actually

Even though no one could see her, Jan hid her face behind her hands, bracing for the worst. Several dings!  had come from her phone as soon as she sent the message. Of course it wasn’t only Jaida, Nicky and Gigi who were online.

cox destroyers: Oh my god.

Jan’s eyes widened when she saw Jackie reply, although she’s not quite sure why she was panicking about Jackie knowing about her hook up with Rock in the first place. All she knows is that she’s gonna have to face Jackie (and everyone else, for that matter,) later.

sin city: ohhh bitch—

c’est bon: you and ROCK???

dom top: !!!

dom top: idk who Rock is but get it sister

backpack backpack: Thank you! Thank you, Heidi. It’s like you’re the only one who’s not acting weird right now.

c’est bon: lmao heidi

c’est bon: she’s jans roommate

human girl: Janice Elizabeth Sport.

von du for two: not this shit again i swear to god

tap water: Jan.

tap water: You know that I love you

tap water: BUT WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SLEEPING WITH YOUR ROOMMATES

Jan rolled her eyes at the messages, wanting the ‘news’ to be over as soon as possible. “And they say I’m the dramatic one.” She huffed as she quickly typed on her phone again.

backpack backpack: okay can y’all chill 🙄

backpack backpack: we just got drunk and slept together, that’s all.

backpack backpack: tell shea im sorry though xxxx @jaidaessencehall

lebron essence ball: bitch you know it ain’t about having a drunk hookup with someone

lebron essence ball: its about the fact that you banged your roommate AGAIN

backpack backpack: oh COME ON

backpack backpack: this was just the second time!!

backpack backpack: and lemon’s with priyanka now!!!

von du for two: girl you & lemon were fucking almost every week i can’t with u

von du for two: going at it like rabbits while we were outside your apartment getting ready to watch glee :/

tap water: and, frankly, i don’t want to come up to your apartment to run lines with you if i have to hear y’all fooling around. my good, christian ears have heard enough.

She felt her face heat up in embarrassment.

backpack backpack: oh my god can you guys please shut up!!!!

backpack backpack: it’s not gonna happen again bc it was a one time thing

backpack backpack: i promise

human girl: [dwayne the rock johnson voice] are you sure about that?

backpack backpack: yes georgina goode i am 100% sure

Jan bit her lip as she looked up at the door to her room. Okay, she’s not 100% sure, but not because she regretted it or anything. As much as her brain was allowing her to remember, last night was good. Great, even. But between auditions, college, and working in the café, her love life (or lack thereof) is on pause for now. Besides, it’s not like anyone has been actively pursuing her, or vice versa.

But it wouldn’t hurt to ask Rock, right?

Sighing in defeat, Jan quickly got up from her bed with her phone still in her hand (as much as her hangover allowed her), left her room and knocked on her roommates door, hoping that she wasn’t busy. She heard a faint “come in!” from the other side and opened the door softly.

“Hey, roomie.” She joked.

Rock looked up from her drawing tablet and slipped off the headphones from her ears. “Glad to see you’re finally awake, and here I thought you were a morning person.” Rock’s room was a mess of color and paraphernalia; while Jan’s was strictly purple, pop culture, and musical theater, hers was an array of figurines and albums on the shelves, kpop & anime posters tacked on the wall behind her bed reaching up to the ceiling, and a somewhat decent gaming setup in the corner of her room. Crystal and Nicky would be proud.

Jan rolled her eyes, “Yeah, well, last night was something,” She slightly cleared her throat at the mention of last night. “Also, about last night…”

Rock raised her brow, “Go on?”

“It was a one time thing, right?” Jan furrowed her brows in question, “I mean, last night was amazing , as much my brain is allowing me to remember. And you’re hot, so, I’m not complaining. Really dig the anime e-girl vibe, and I’m sure anyone would tap that ass! I mean, I did, but I’m just—”

“—Not looking for anything right now?” Rock cut her off, saving Jan from turning into a hungover, rambling mess.

She let out a sigh of relief, sitting on her roommates bed and putting her phone down, “Yeah, doll. Just been really busy right now, y’know? 3rd year isn’t a joke.”

The pink-haired girl let out a snort, “Oh, I know the feeling. And don’t worry, I wasn’t looking for anything either, and while last night was fun,” She looked at her pointedly, and Jan was calm enough to actually smirk at the incident between the two, “I’d much rather have you as my friend than as my fuck buddy, because you are loud , girl!”

Jan shrieked at that, “Oh my god, shut up!” She threw a pillow at Rock’s head while the girl let out a cackle, “My friends were on my ass about that too, some friends they are.”

“Wait, you told your friends about that? Aren’t you friends with Nicky?”

Jan huffed, “Mama, more like I was forced to tell them. Jaida’s friend, Shea—whose apartment is next to ours, by the way—was complaining to her about how she couldn’t sleep last night because of, um, my tendency to be vocal.”

“You’re welcome, by the way.”

“Rotted bitch!” Jan threw another pillow at Rock, this time missing because the girl was doubled over in laughter, “I can’t believe you! The disrespect, really. I shouldn’t be taking this from you, I still have a shift to do at 3.”

“But you took it from me real good last night, so,” this time Rock shielded her face as Jan threw pillow after pillow at her, trying to speak through her laughter, “Okay, okay! I give, I give! I’m sorry, mom!”

“Bitch! I can be a top if I want to!” Jan exclaimed in mock offense. As their laughter subsided, the blonde suddenly had an idea, “Oh! What if I invite you over for dinner?”

Rock smirked, “One: we’re roommates. It’s not really inviting me to dinner if we eat in the same room. And two: I thought you said you weren’t looking for anything?”

“I mean dinner with my friends, gorg. All 11 of us eat together at least once a week, this time we’re gonna crash at Heidi, Jaida and Brita’s. Maybe you wanna come and meet them? I know you and Nicky know each other somehow, so it wouldn’t be too awkward, right?”

“Introducing me to the family already? Ain’t that a bit too early for you, Ms. Sport?”

“More like introducing you to a bunch of kindergartners,” Jan muttered as she checked her phone for any new notifications, “But yeah, I want them to know you as my roommate and friend , not as my roommate who I slept with.”

Bon Voy

dom top: okay so jans sex life aside

dom top: y’all are still coming over tonight?

sin city: yes girl!! college sucks ass sm i need to eat my feelings

c’est bon: wouldn’t miss it for the world mon ami xoxo

cox destroyer: I’m gonna be a little late! I just have to return and borrow some stuff in the library.

human girl: can we please order pizza hut <3

lebron essence hall: no <3

von du for two: we are going to order dominoes like civilized people

human girl: ugh fine, all of you have 0 taste

human girl: crys said yes btw she just has class right now

tap water: aiden said she’s gonna come too, she just can’t message the chat bc she’s still in her shift

Jan grinned at Brita’s message, finally getting the chance to steer the conversation away from her.

backpack backpack: So if she can’t message the chat because of her shift, why’s she messaging you, miss brittany filter?? 👀

Jan can feel Brita’s eye roll from miles away.

tap water: She speaks!

tap water: And don’t act like this conversation isn’t over, Miss Janice Sport. You have a lot of explaining to do.

“So, are ya gonna introduce me as your forbidden, but passionate lover? Whose romance was short-lived, yet wild, fiery and unforgettable?”

Now it was Jan’s turn to let out a cackle as she left Rock’s room, “More like my chaotic mess of a roommate who farted herself awake!”

This time it was Rock’s turn to gasp in offense, “That was one time and you fucking know it! And my answer is yes, by the way!”

Jan sent a message to the chat before grabbing her towel and putting her phone away to take a shower.

backpack backpack: oh btw i’m inviting rock to hang out with us!!! I promise she’s super fun and that we’re just roommates and see y’all soon please dont kill me or make it awkward with rock xxxx

tap water: are you

tap water: kidding me.

von du for two: oh for the love of GOD

***

[naruhearts]

Do you think that Dean and Cas will finally have a heart to heart conversation this season that has a beginning, middle, and end without being interrupted? Where they finally get to talk about everything and mend the rift between them? I really hope so

2/2 I’m the heart to heart anon! Like I would love if there was a moment where someone sat them down to air their grievances the way Sam and Dean did for Chuck and Lucifer in s11, bc it actually worked and was incredibly promising

HI nonnie!!

I’m on the run and have a busy Canadian thanksgiving dinner to get to (and I’ll most likely add to this once I have time), but WHAT A GREAT QUESTION, because frankly, this is what we’ve been anticipating for…a while. 

We’ve seen 15x01. The rift between Dean and Cas = NECESSARY spousal discord. Dabb & Co know what they’re doing here, and pretty much most meta writers in the Destiel community gleefully watched the EVER-heightening intensity of D/C’s romance-coded arguments unfold in their conjoined emotional arc for the better part of 11 years!! Dabb era, dudes. Family struggles. DEEP EMOTIONAL BONDS, frayed, to be repaired in the endgame. 

English 101: writing an external conflict between two characters can inherently convey INTERNAL CONFLICT — character vs the self, thus introducing significant elements of character development and self-reflection that two characters, intentionally written as romantic star-crossed counterparts to each other, will think about, then either NOT act on or WILL act on. 

In short, the metanarrative focus on Dean and Cas fighting means they’re gonna need to RESOLVE it, and exactly, anon – since it’s the final story countdown, this also means there should be a subversion of every other instance in which they’ve almost hashed things out but were: A. always interrupted, B. gave outside forces priority, not their interpersonal relationship, or C. just plain ol’ avoiding addressing it. 

HOW MANY TIMES CAN THEY SURVIVE THAT? How many times can we survive the drawing-out of WILL THEY WON’T THEY/USING THEIR WORDS?

Lemme tell ya, I do believe we’re going to see the D/C narrative focus grow more potent the closer we get to 15x20, if not earlier. Again, PR isn’t showrunning, but Jensen and Misha are fully aware and informed of their roles as Dean and Cas; they know their tension is a key emotional plot point driving the physical plot, always has been. I mean, it’s already amplified, right in the first episode of the final season!!

After finding out that God is the Big Bad, Dean and Cas must re-evaluate everything they thought they knew about themselves and each other. Again, did they inadvertently play into God’s Angst Plot for them? Did they think they were saving the world on their own terms of free will when in fact, God wanted them to do exactly that – to ignore their self-consciousness and each other’s emotional needs in the process?? *rips hair out* 

Keeping up the awfully sad vibe of arguing ex-husbands a la 14x17/18/19/20, Sam continues to represent all of us. Currently, we don’t see any resolution in sight; once S14 came to a close, they were still clashing. The negative spaces are NOISY! Once again, D/C = divorcees at odds, with what looks like irreconcilable differences. Sigh.

It’s the classic trope of setting aside personal conflict to get the important crap done, yet not realizing that personal conflict is inevitably going to implode.

To get on the same page, Dean and Cas’ preconceived notions of FREE WILL must be challenged, and true free will –> LOVE. God couldn’t control the existence of love...the most powerful force in the world. The ultimate manifestation of free will. TFW threw a wrench into His plans when Dean, out of LOVE, refused to shoot his son, Isaac-mirror Jack – when Cas, out of LOVE, also raised Jack as his own humanized child alongside psychologically nurturing him with Dean – when Sam, out of LOVE, chose to be his teacher in the ways of survival and human difficulty. 

TFW singularly chose to destroy God’s script when they started loving the Nephilim, the TFW mirror, God’s OG Big Bad for his cut-and-paste SPN series of The Winchester Brothers and the Angel Castiel: Same Mistakes Never Learned.

*Back to the point, sorry I went on a whole TFW-lovey-dovey tangent there lol – YEAH, I hope and expect that Dean and Cas will engage in a genuine heart to heart without interruptions, where they no longer let God perch on their shoulders. It’s time for them to set their cards on the table. It’s time for them to USE THEIR WORDS.

Romantic or not (lbr a non-romantic resolution –> greatest cop-out for a 15-year iconic institution, because why even implement consistent, constant tropes of a damn non-platonic nature without any proper follow-through, even in subtext?!), the fact remains that Dean and Cas are longggg overdue for a discussion – a deconstruction of their tension, clearing the air of ALL the stuff they’ve hidden from each other, and with bated breath, I wait. 

(The visual D/C narrative also holds: they stand as a unit together, Sam positioned apart from them. Like, we been knew.) *trots around in clown mask*

Seriously. I’m Destiel-positive so far. 15x01 simply strengthened my (cautious) optimism. If you want to read more about the D/C rift, with Jack at the core of it all (oh man, how fitting that Belphegor, who’s taking up Jack’s image by possessing his body – and remember, Jack was the catalyst for both heavily marital-code unity and conflict in Dean and Cas’ relationship – will seemingly take over Jack’s role as metanarrative exposition/mirror for now), I wrote these late S14/beginning of the last hiatus (below), plus x x

I discuss the Dean/Cas argument here, here and here – it’s both a break-up and argument entrenched in parental mistakes, self-guilt, and their ultimate bond with/trust in each other (particularly in relation to Jack, their subtextual son), where the lying and the dishonesty (a redux of S5/6 and S12) are combined spiral narratives of their relationship that they eventually have to break together. COMMUNICATE BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE

I’ll emphasize this again too – still highly relevant lol (14x18):

Cas is telling himself: if I was completely honest with my husband, without holding back, we could’ve been able to avoid this. I wasn’t honest because I knew how much Jack meant to us. I was 😨. I did it for myself…I did it for Dean. 

Dean is telling himself: I dunno, why am I taking my husband’s dishonesty so hard? Because I 😍 him a lot, and I 😍 my son. I trusted Cas to be honest with me. We could’ve worked together. But, 💩, I guess I wasn’t as open with him as I was supposed to be…about what I wanted, and what I felt.

Me: *slaps notebook closed* *coughs* Uh, it’s a — really long — work in progress. KEEP TALKING. 

[cruddykawa]

Kuroo x Reader | Burnt Out

hi hello everyone i am writing another drabble bc im hoping this will give me and you motivation to study for this finals if you havent already finished.... lol 

kuroo x reader

word count: 825

________________________

It was the last two weeks of school, and you were only a couple days away from finishing your undergraduate career. All you had to do was take two final exams. It should’ve been easy.

Your friends had it worse, so the times you spent studying with them, you were encouraging them the whole time telling them that they could do it. Your workload was easier than many other quarters you’ve had, but why did you have so much trouble finding any kind of motivation to either study or do even an ounce of work?

It wasn’t until you were left alone in your apartment that you realized that you were completely and utterly burnt out.  When you were preparing to study at your desk, you’d just sit there for hours staring at the material but getting nothing out of it. Even the fear of failing your last quarter did nothing to your motivation. It only increased your anxiety.  

You were sat at your desk in your apartment, somehow managing to avoid work when your boyfriend, Kuroo, called you. You picked up the phone, “Hi, Testu.”

Kuroo could tell you were less than energetic. He joked, “Usually you’re more excited when I call you. I hope you aren’t staying up all night playing games.”

There was silence from you, and you could feel tears starting to rise. “Babe? Is everything okay?” Kuroo asked, worried.

“I’m just so tired.” You sobbed into the phone, “And I miss you so much. I regret coming to America to study. I wish I just stayed in Tokyo with you.”

Kuroo felt his heart break at the sound of your sobs, “Don’t say that. You’ve come so far, and you’re just a couple weeks away from finishing and coming home.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” You explained, “This quarter is even one of my easiest so far, so everything should be okay, but it’s not. I keep telling myself that I just need a break, but it’s not like I’ve even been doing work. And then me procrastinating just makes me so anxious, and I don’t know what to do. I want to be done and see you again already. I’m so jealous that your school is on the semester system, so you’ve already been done for weeks now.”

“Would you feel better if I were there with you?” he asked.

“Of course, I would.” You laughed through your sobs, “Though I can’t promise that I’d end up doing work, but at least I’d have you to comfort me.”

You were waiting for his response on the phone, but nothing came through the line. You sighed at your phone, “Looks like the call dropped.”

You tossed your phone onto your bed and curled up in a ball while sitting on the chair at your desk.

You and Kuroo had met the summer before you both entered university. Frankly, the last thing you wanted to do was get into a relationship because you knew how hard it’d be, especially on different continents. But there was something about him that drew you to him. Whether it was Kuroo’s annoying smug face or how secretly kind and caring he was, you wouldn’t know. But there was just something about him that attracted you. In your head, it was a miracle that he found you just as appealing. 

That being said, the two of you had made really great efforts to stay in touch despite the distance and time difference. You always reserved a couple times in the week to talk to Kuroo, and he did the same for you. He would save a mass of his money so he could afford a plane ticket to visit you over break, but money was tight after he graduated so your summer plans with him were cancelled.

Your thoughts were interrupted when your doorbell rang. You picked yourself up and dragged your feet to the door. When you opened it, the last person you were expecting was at the door. You jumped into the person’s arms and yelled, “Testu! What are you doing here?”

Kuroo easily picked you up and hugged you just as tight. When he set you down, he smiled, “I managed to scrap together some money for a flight, and so I wanted to surprise you. When I called you, I was already outside of your apartment building.”

You refused to let go of him and were crying into his shirt. Through your sobs, you managed to ask, “Are you going to my graduation and everything?”

Kuroo kissed you on the head and led you back inside your apartment and said, “I’ll be at your graduation as long as you get your motivation back and manage to finish all your work.”

You showed a teary smile, “Can we cuddle at least a little bit before I start studying?”

He sat on your desk chair and held his arms out, “Why don’t we cuddle and study at the same time?”

You grinned and sat on his lap. You logged onto your laptop and then leaned your head into the crook of Kuroo’s neck, “Thank you for lighting my fire again.”

feel free to request some scenarios in my ask~

[imtrynnawriteshit]

Kassandra x reader x Alkibiades

I have nothing to say for myself

@ the anon who requested this: you're now allowed (and in some countries even legally obligated) to punch me!!!

Also you're v good friends with Aspasia in this bc the beginning had been stuck in my head for ages lmao

Thank c:

Words: I edited this on Tumblr mobile and now I'm too lazy to check (I'll do it later though. Maybe)

Warnings: Two swear words, I think. And the usual: suggestive themes, terrible writing, too many commas, me projecting my thirst onto y'all (I'm sorry, pals :/)

Characters: Kassandra, Alkibiades, Reader, a whole lotta name throwing, Herodotos makes a friendly appearance :)

Relationships: Kassandra x reader, Alkibiades x reader, Kassandra x reader x Alkibiades

Request: Your Kassandra/Reader gave me an idea for a request so sorry if its dumb haha. Basically I was super happy you included Alkibiades because hes my FAV and I'd die for him. ANYWAY. Could you write one where the reader is at Perikles symposium, and has always had a thing for Alkibiades but was too shy to take him up on his offers, and always regretted it. But then she meets Kassandra and WHAM INSTANT CRUSH so she basically convinces the reader to... eh. Join in the fun? Heh.

Damn Aspasia and her need to arrive fashionably late. She’d promised she wouldn’t be too long this time, but you should’ve known better. And here you thought you'd done a good job convincing her.

You’d been standing around for ages, casually mingling with the guests and steering very, very clear of Sokrates, no matter how many times he tried to catch your eye. You’d have to drain the city of it's wine before you could even consider the thought of engaging him in conversation. At a party, no less. You were here to enjoy yourself, and that did not include a conversation about philosophy going nowhere.

You’d just left Euripedes and Aristophanes to tease Sophokles when you ran into an already extremely tipsy Alkibiades, who seemed thoroughly pleased to see you.

His hands immediately landed on your waist to steady himself, yours going to his shoulders to aid him. You held on to him softly (after all, he might end up stumbling again, and you were a good friend who looked out for others; or at least, that's what you told yourself), and you almost had to physically restrain yourself from running your hands through his hair. Your stomach fluttering, you prayed to every deity that you didn't end up making an absolute fool of yourself.

“I hoped I'd run into you tonight," he paused, leaning in closer, taking in your form hungrily. "And don't you look absolutely delicious."

By the gods. You tensed slightly, your hands beginning to tremble a little. Thankfully, he didn't notice, although his hands did drop to your hips.

"Join me, wouldn’t you? The night is still young, and there’s so much more we can do to make it more…interesting.”

At Aspasia's request, you'd worn the robes she'd gifted you a while back. They were flattering, very much so, and Alkibiades’ attention proved it.

Then again, he didn’t really need an excuse to proposition you.

“I-It’s nice to see you too, Alkibiades, but-“

“But you can’t, yes, so I’ve heard. Many times. Trust me (Y/N), one of these days, I’m going to see if you’re just as magnificent behind closed doors.”

You just shook your head, smiling bashfully as he turned to walk away, stumbling into a pillar. Heaving a sigh, you decided to at least try and have a proper conversation with him tonight, one that didn't involve you stumbling over your words. Baby steps, right?

You were in the middle of hyping yourself up when you noticed Herodotos standing alone by the entryway, watching the festivities. You were approaching him when he was suddenly joined by a woman, someone you didn’t know.

But by the gods did you want to.

Herodotos smiled and shook your hand when you were closer to the pair, accidentally interrupting their conversation.

“(Y/N)! It’s good to see you again."

“You too, Herodotos. I didn't mean to interrupt, I'm sorry."

He smiled, shaking his head. "You always were too polite for your own good. It's no problem at all."

Even as you addressed him, you glanced at the woman by his side. "It’s been a while. I haven’t seen you in Athens, lately.”

“I’ve taken to travelling the Greek world. This is Kassandra of Sparta”, noticing your gaze, he gestured to the woman beside him, who was watching you with an expression you couldn’t quite place, “a misthios, and the commander of the ship I'm sailing on. Kassandra, this is (Y/N) of, well, Athens."

"A pleasure to meet you, Kassandra."

"Believe me, (Y/N), the pleasure is all mine."

You could've melted right there. The sound of your name rolling off her tongue was now possibly one of your favourites. Your face must've given you away, because you swore you could see the beginnings of a smirk on her lips. That you now couldn't stop staring at. You were quickly snapped out of your daze by Herodotos excusing himself to find the host.

Kassandra was quick to continue the conversation.

"How do you know Perikles?"

Thankfully, you'd become accustomed enough to this question that you weren't too flustered, and your response was almost automatic.

"Oh, my brother is one of the proedroi, and doesn't usually attend parties, so I'm forced to come instead. Not that I'm complaining, of course, it’s how I’ve managed to become well acquainted with Perikles and Aspasia." You smiled softly at her, trying not to let your eyes drop below her face.

It didn’t work, but you also didn't regret it too much. Those arms were sinful, and you could only imagine what they could do-

You shook your head slightly, mortified at how you'd been so caught up in your daydream you'd taken to ogling her, and thought you caught a glimpse of amusement in her eyes.

Why, oh why did this only ever happen to you?

You needed to leave before you embarrassed yourself any further, but at the same time, you were reluctant to deprive yourself of her company. Which was ridiculous, considering you barely knew her.

As if you weren’t bad enough when it came to Alkibiades.

At the same time, the fact that she was from Sparta intrigued you. And you were nothing if not curious. Clearing your throat, you continued, "but I must say, I'm surprised to see a Spartan here. What brings you to Athens?”

At this, she seemed to consider you for a moment. Her gaze had become calculating, and you almost felt uncomfortable under her scrutiny. But you must've looked trustworthy to her.

Or just harmless enough to deal with in case she was wrong.

(You hoped it was the former.)

“I’m searching for a Spartan woman. My mother. Herodotos thought I might have been able to find some information here."

You frowned in thought. You weren't sure of how much information she'd find, but the least you could do was point her in the right direction. “Unfortunately, I won’t be of much help to you-"

"Now, that is unfortunate. I would have loved to repay you in any way I could." Was it just you, or were her eyes lidded?

You had a hard time trying to finish what you were saying when your treacherous mind was instead focused on the suggestive tone her voice had taken, but you managed.

"but, I think, um, Alkibiades might know something. Aspasia too, but she - she isn’t here yet.”

She let out a little chuckle. "So you were of help anyway. Thank you, (Y/N)."

She smiled then, and gently squeezed your shoulder. Your skin burned under her touch, and almost as if she knew that, she let her hand trail down your arm before pulling away to talk to the others, throwing you another inexplicable look over her shoulder.

You definitely needed more to drink.

-

You were stunned, to say the least, when she found you again in the kitchens. The pitcher of wine in your hands, a source of comfort only a moment ago, now felt heavy with...shame, was it? You couldn't tell. The rush in which you set it on the table behind you only made you it worse.

Kassandra, however, didn’t notice. Or maybe just didn’t care. She stepped closer to you, glancing around the tiny room as you involuntarily took a step back.

Your nerves must have made themselves known, because she only closed the distance between the two of you, her amusement plain on her features now.

“I don’t bite, you know.”

What on earth were you supposed to say to that?

“I-I didn’t-“

“Unless”, she continued, ignoring your, frankly, pathetic attempt at redeeming yourself, “you’d like me to.”

Fuck.

You let out a shaky laugh, hyper aware of everything around you: the table digging into your back, Kassandra only inches away from you, the tension in the air.

Gulping audibly, you cleared your throat.

“Are you - is there something I can help you with?”

“You know, I believe there is. Alkibiades asked me to find some oil for him. You seem to be well acquainted with the kitchen", her voice had a teasing lilt to it as she shot the pitcher a pointed look. You wished the gods would take pity on you and strike you where you stood. They didn't. "So I hoped you'd know.”

You did, and with a stuttered "of course", you turned to grab it. Handing it to her proved to be a little difficult, though, when she pulled you even closer (if that was possible), her hands on your waist. You were fairly certain your heart had stopped beating.

“You’re looking a little tense.”

“Oh, uh, I hadn’t noticed. I think it might be the wine-”

“Wine relaxes you, (Y/N), but it looks like it hasn’t worked at all. Here, come with me.”

And before you could protest, you were led away, one of her hands now on the small of your back. In the blink of an eye, you found yourself in front of a door, which opened to reveal Alkibiades.

A very naked Alkibiades.

You immediately averted your eyes, questioning every decision that led you to this point. Kassandra, on the other hand, seemed unaffected.

"Your oil."

Oh, you were still holding it. Still looking anywhere but at the two of them, you held it out for Alkibiades to take. And for the second time, you were left holding it as he reached for you instead.

Kassandra grinned. "You're a shy one, aren't you?

"I just...didn't expect -"

"There's a lot you wouldn't expect from me, but I always satisfy." Alkibiades' grip tightened around you. "What say we put this oil to good use and I prove it?"

You hesitated, but you knew that you wanted to. Especially with the way those two were looking at you.

"I certainly wouldn't be opposed to it." Kassandra said, wearing a salacious smile that was mirrored on Alkibiades and almost made your knees buckle.

"After all, what's a party without a little fun?"

Oh, what the hell.

"You're right." The gleeful surprise on their faces filled you with a sense of confidence. "A little fun never hurt anyone."

"Although, my fun is hardly little", Alkibiades said as they led you in. Only one coherent thought ran through your mind as the door closed behind you:

Fuck baby steps.

[anathemanonymous]

Spilling it in the first person: truths I need to accept

Well, it's not going well. I feel like I am not moving forward,but backward. I held myself back by trying to do the right thing.

I gave you the whole house in trade for my freedom. There was no end date on the agreement. It simply stated you would get the property and all the responsibility of the associated bills. It also stated you would agree to hold me harmless.

Well, that didnt happen.

I'm still stuck 4 years after leaving. The attorney told me not to pay off the foreclosure but I did. Twice. I stopped the process of filing contempt in August. She was livid. She offered me the option to have you removed from the house and I could keep it. Well, I had just signed the apt lease. A one year contract. How was I supposed to afford two house payments? I didn't want that responsibility. I left the house to prove I wasnt married to this man for the money. He refused to leave. So I did.

Both our names remain on the title. Bank cant take me off. You refuse to sell. You cannot afford to refinance.

What are you trying to do here?

As I am being held in place by obligation you insist upon complaining about how it is my fault that you are suffering. How you are refusing to cooperate. Refuse to work or pay bills. Refuse to accept that I left. Refuse to reach out or grow in healthy ways. Refuse to stop drinking or doing drugs. Refuse to try to improve our shitty relationship. Refuse to reach out to your own child. Refuse to sell the house. Refuse to clean it. Trick me into calling off the attorney at the last foreclosure: you say you will pay me back the $5500 and we can fix up the house. I tell you how uneasy I feel about this deal. You tell me to trust you.

I clean and clean on my days off work and you sit and ridicule and drink. You tell me it's no rush. You literally have no money to fix it up. I have gone round and around with Fred at the agency to get him to agree to put the house on the market and how we need to sell to a qualified buyer. How to ensure no consequences from this home being doomed. How to do the right thing. How to honor the promises to the agency and to the bank. Its ridiculous how often I've triaged with your mother. How many phone calls and notes kept on the research of creating a plan to salvage the property and you.

And you. I have given you money. I have paid your debts. I have taken you to the doctor. I set you up for evaluation of ADHD. You cry about your health. You cant get off the couch. You cry about being broke, depressed with no reason to live. When I speak to you, you continue to put me down, to accuse me of never caring. You accuse me of malicious crimes against you for the past 16 years. You claim I just used you. My entire life was built around supporting you. You accuse me of going against you deliberately. You blame for your behaviors of rude comments and refusals to cooperate or participate in anything related to parenting or household chores or budgeting or my feelings. I was threatened by your recklessness. I was doomed to being overly responsible but got nothing but contempt in return.

There wasn't peace. There wasnt love. No support. Constant arguments and blow ups. Constant strife. Constant pain. Carrying your weight twice my size. Trying to rape me. Trying to negate me. Trying to minimize me. Criticizing every fucking thing I did or said or believed. Faking it in front of your friends and parents. Giving nothing but expecting me to provide for your every need on a whim. Needing help with your business books, spending hours only to be discredited and rejected. You put your shit first. You blocked my path with your messiness. You left it all up to me but gave me no credit, no control and no power. Then accuse me of doing the same to you. You ridiculed my hobbies, my goals, my dreams. You chose your friends over me. You drank to the point of black out every day. You stopped working. Your buisness partner abandoned you even after he stole from the business account, you kept him around. You kept giving him your share of our household bills instead of pay our bills. So I paid. You stole my tax returns for years. You were rude and inconsiderate toward how any of your shitty choices affected me and our family. You have withheld love and given only pain. You ignored my feelings and needs. And now you complain and claim to suffer worse than me?

What about me??

To top it off: after moving out and returning on a regular basis to check in with you even as you deliberately were harming me financially and emotionally...I get hate when I remove the loaded guns in the house bc you're suicidal from all the drugs and no sleep and not eating and not working and I worry and I feel sorry and I want to keep things normal so I see the mess and try not to do the cleaning, the yardwork.

I play with the dogs and feed them and you always leave when I arrive ...or start an argument until you chase me away.

After 4 years of being ridiculed and blamed....instead of being heard and validated.

I have to actually accept that you are openly and intentionally holding me hostage financially and emotionally. You admit it on text. Your mother claims you were just drinking and you didnt mean it. What will it take to justify my actions?

Its been 4 years of waiting on pins and needles. Of not breathing. Or being stuck. Not to mention the 7 years before I left the house. Trying to fix things.

Looking back, I've never received emotional support from you. Other than to stay away from my family.

I have a hard time accepting the fact that you didn't improve yourself when I left. You got worse. You stopped trying long before I left. And I hoped you would recognize how awful you'd become. I was risking a chance that you would change into a responsible adult. Learn to care for me in real ways. Appreciate me, quite frankly. I was looking for appreciation. Recognition. Acceptance. Acknowledgement. The elements of love.

I left because there was no love.

It was the right thing to do.

Unhealthy relationships are meant to fall apart.

Blame me or blame you. It doesn't matter. It takes two to have a relationship. It becomes one sided.

Wait. It was always one sided. I wanted to believe it was a mutual relationship. I dreamed it. I created the illusion of it. But it could not be felt. Bc it was a mirage. It only looked like something real. It felt empty. Like a shell. Like a home without a foundation. Ready to fall apart like a Hollywood studio prop.

I was lying to myself the whole time.

The only way out now is to tell the truth. To let shit fall apart by not adding to it. To stop putting in.

But it feels wrong to let my house go into foreclosure. It feels wrong to file with a lawyer. It feels so wrong to do nothing to help, on purpose. Yet it is the right way. Right? This world is absolutely ridiculous. Just fucking back breaking and disheartening. People are so viscous. Banks and lawyers. Without hearts. Empty motherfucking shells of humans.

I knew the truth but didn't want to face it. Denial is so powerful. It can change the way you see things. Or exclude what you do not want to see. Or feel.

I wanted to believe love could make my dream come true, become real. Make me real.

All the proof was in your actions. Fighting me every step of the way. Calling me crazy. You're right. It is crazy to live that way. I agree.

So if it's TRUE : then I have to accept the reality that you don't care about me. Either you cant, or you are just unwilling. You say you love me. But what does love mean? It seems you only care that I care for you. How much I can give and prove that I care. Prove by sacrificing my needs, time, money, energy.

Every fiber of my being is going against the fact that the only way out of this situation is divorce and foreclosure of my home. Abandoning you. Why does it feel unethical and immoral? Huge conflict within.

I tried to help you and to salvage my credit, I have spent over $15,000 to bail it out . ..because I'd already put so much into it that I want to keep on the same path. I dont want a different anonymous path. I want to stay where its familiar. But then again, why? I've never been happy on this path. From experience, moving on does not guarantee happiness either.

I'm standing my ground. I'm honoring my values of integrity and refusing to tolerate abuse and nonsense.

But yes it's hard to move on bc I am ever-wanting to keep convincing myself and the world ...proof of how mature and dedicated I am, of my own goodness, my own kindness, my own value.

If my value rests on a successful career in marriage then I have discredited myself. I have failed to be a quality product. Yikes.

..because I hid behind it, and I'd do anything to keep up the facade. I am afraid to be seen as alone, maybe. I am afraid to stand up against the abuse bc it means I have failed. That I am faulty. Not worthy. Maybe I asked for it. Or deserve it.

Shame is a terrible feeling.

By the virtue of which I choose to honor, I thereby become less valuable. I protected your reputation. I kept silent. I protected my own reputation as well. Now I am throwing it out the window. Breaking a promise to myself to never do that again. Yes, I have experienced this all before. Many times. Throughout my lifetime. I had to destroy my own identity.

Because I could pretend I belonged. I could pretend I had a healthy relationship and family. But the sacrifice was too much. And I was so off-balance. I was shut off. Closed down. Depressed. Sick.

You refused to lie for me. So I left. We dont have to keep pretending to play house. Maybe that disappointed me. You want to play cops and robbers. I refused. Lol. Whatever.

And maybe the ultimate cage I try to break free from is being forced to stay small, a repeating pattern from throughout my entire childhood. It is the shame I carry. The unworthy nature of my wounded inner child.

When confronted with opening up I remain skeptical and scared. I beat myself up. I feel rejected, disillusioned, hurt, betrayed, and I am ashamed of showing that I am being harmed. I am am afraid to speak up. When I do, I get shut down by you, your family, my attorney, the court, society.

This triple whammy has knocked me off my feet every time I try to stand up. I feel insulted by the slights of neighbors, the sounds of the outside world. I speak up against emotional manipulation and I feel the feather of rejection like a sledgehammer.

... I am accused of being crazy. I post on social media. I get very little support. The message I'm receiving is: your perception is inaccurate, we all have a human right to happiness and respect but you should be ashamed of exposing yourself like that. It makes you look vulnerable, it tarnishes our code of taboo subjects, think about your reputation, bc we as a society are not comfortable with displays of vulnerability. Call a hotline or something.

You know what? I dont need a fucking hotline. My counselor didnt even recognize me during our last phone session. Fuck this system. I'm on my own. And if I have to become more viscous and bitter to fit in, I prefer to stand alone.

[gracrps]

favorite rp experiences, favorite ships, favorite users, good parts of your day, favorite memories.

FAVORITE RP EXPERIENCES

Another great experience I’ve had was a gossip girl, vampire diaries roleplay called Within Temptation! It was the first roleplay where I really learned how to expand on my writing and understand my character, thanks to a few tips from my fellow members. I had always been used to one-liners or a few paragraphs, so when I asked one of the members how she went about writing so much, she told me she just expanded on how her character felt, what he went through to get to this point, and how it aids their situation. I mean, obviously, the answer should be pretty blatant, but it was one of those moments where someone had to say it for me to really acknowledge it. This roleplay also helped me grow my affinity for Stefan Salvatore, who I played, and learned about so deeply. I really appreciate him as a character now, thanks to WT. 

positive rpc ask meme!

FAVORITE SHIPS !!!!!! I have so many !!!!!! But, okay… I will attempt to list them all from my poor excuse of a memory, and/or narrow it down to my real real real favs that I can’t live without :-) but, of course, the list will grow as roleplaying lives on~

Richard & Eleanor ( Evan Peters and AnnaSophia Robb — They were this, poor boy / rich girl ship that happened out of nowhere between myself and @vcorhees  way back in the day. They really feel like a couple to me, and I guess I love them because a lot of my ‘ships’ take a long time to get to that point where they’re finally a couple, but it just happened so effortlessly for them. They really couldn’t be any more different, yet mesh so well together… they were my core reasons for loving both Evan & AnnaSophia ) — Stephen & Wendy ( Max Irons and Jessica Alba — Okay, I know I know. They’re really new and really fresh and hardly a ship. I might be getting ahead of myself, but I feel like these two are such a classic “opposites attract” or “friendship turned into something more” that it really gets me excited to see where their thread goes. I really like these two, the chem is off the charts !!! )  

Alice & Patrick ( Olivia Cooke and Logan Lerman — So these two really helped me as a writer. At the time, Patrick was in and out of relationships with various girls and honestly, it was mostly because I was bored when ships finally became couples. I admit it was a huge flaw I had as a roleplayer until Alice came along, shout out to @nierps  for sliding into my life like that. She challenged Patrick in such a real way that helped me admit to myself that your character will be the bad guy, if not sometimes, all the time. I’m so thankful that they happened because now, it helps me shape my characters in such a real way that I wouldn’t have before. ) 

Indiana & Silas ( Nina Dobrev and Hunter Parrish — Okay, so talk about the slowest of all the burns. I think slow burns are great but are so hard to stay committed to in a roleplay filled with options thrown at your feet. However, when you feel that connection, that you know you’d love to see play out on some sort of screen, that you’d be rooting for sitting in your seat… that’s when it’s easy to stay committed. Contrary to my last ship, Indiana and Silas taught me how to stay committed, and that it’s safe to put your ship through real-life tragedies and struggles, without fearing abandonment as a roleplayer. I want to thank @veronicalodgv for always meeting me with the same amount of enthusiasm that I wouldn’t have if she hadn’t too. ) 

Sara & Ace ( Phoebe Tonkin and Bill Skarsgard — They are your typical, push and pull, hate to love you type of couple. At first, I assumed my thread with @electricinndigo would turn into some sort of hate sex kind of thing, which I wasn’t totally comfortable with because my smut is shit, honestly, lmfao. But I have to say, Ace and Sara are really turning into a ship that is so promising, that I’d really love to see what else they go through. I think this ship is also really important to me because I find it quite difficult to challenge a ship when it’s in an indie instead of a roleplay community. You’re not being thrown other ‘options’ or having other characters chime in on your character or ship. Frankly, I haven’t been in indie for that long, but I was quick to judge the easiness of shipping when you have no one else to challenge you. That’s why Sara and Ace are special to me, because they challenge each other, and it’s opening more doors for the other ships I have. So, Kellie!! Thank you for that. )

Blake & Cindy ( Matthew Daddario and Lee Jieun — So @requicms​ and I have been writing these two for a long time now, haha, but no complaints are coming from me whatsoever. My adoration for Matthew is definitely satsified when it comes to these two, as well as my thirst for a POC ship!!! Lbr, I feel like they’re soooo cute. Anyway, Cindy is such a hard character for me to be flexible with, so the fact that I’m shipping her with Blake is such a huge thing for me as a writer. It helps me go through the steps of opening a character up to something intimiate and real, and with these two, it’s just so pure and innocent. It’s not like any other ship I’ve had, so I really love these two for helping me try out something new, with a character as closed off as Cindy. ) 

These are a few honorable mentions that I really want to give a shout out to. I know some of these are brand new, but it’s just me feeling out the potential with what few threads we have going on~ [ Jude & Hannah ( Jamie Campbell Bower & Haley Bennett ) @eightysixed​ / Adele & Ben ( Holland Roden & Lucas Till ) @snikklefritsrps​ / Adam & Jana ( Paul Wesley & Kristin Kreuk ) / Cameron & Silas ( Kat McNamara & Hunter Parrish ) @wisteria1x1 / River & Mallory ( Nick Robinson & AnnaSophia Robb ) / Harrison & Prue ( KJ Apa and Stefanie Scott ) @holywitchkid ]

FAVORITE USERS 

Okay, so assuming this means my mutuals…. @electricinndigo​, I want to go on and on about how much I love her but I feel like that’s really repetitive because I’ve done it more than twice, haha. She’s just amazing. I love her writing style, her gifs, her muses… the list goes on. @requicms​, there’s something amazing about having as much characters as her and being as invested to each and every one of them that blows my mind. I mean, I might be getting ahead of myself, but our plethora of threads really challenges me to not be lazy and put the same amount of effort in order to not just ‘reply bc I have to’. Thank you for challenging me, Lisa! @nierps​, LORD don’t even get me started, lmfao. Nie is the god of all writers, I aspire to be as amazing as her ( hence I probably should’ve finished /proper/ college ). I can’t even go on, I feel like I’ll just be babbling with how great and cool she is. @veronicalodgv​, okay I know she doesn’t indie enough, but tee has become such a close friend of mine since we’ve met all those years ago. she’s the best admin i’ve ever had the honor to be under, who can so effortlessly handle the stress that comes with it. i think the fact that she’s fair without having to bend over backwards to make people happy is really admirable, esp coming from someone like me, who feels like they have to do that when you’re in an admin position. i can’t wait to work with you the future, you’ll always have a special place in my heart @armyofskanksx​, so while I gotta admit that we don’t have a lot of the same favorite face claims (x your kindness is unreal. i really do appreciate your time and patience when it came to helping me learn how to gif, i can’t even explain my gratitude. thank you so much. 

GOOD PARTS OF YOUR DAY

While I don’t love going to work and dealing with the bullshit that is the nursing home, I feel pretty lucky to be there. Sitting all day isn’t great for my health, but being in the lobby when it’s 6pm and everyone went home is probably the second place I get the most inspiration for my writing. I also have a time limit, so I try and squeeze in all my writing before 7:30pm, which is when I have to leave because if my husband is home, I can’t focus on my writing. I also love going home (surprising, I know) and seeing my pup. I love the process of getting ready for bed, like taking off the makeup and tending to skin care, getting into your home clothes… while I sometimes rush towards the process, that’s my ‘me’ time, you know? I don’t have as much me time since I got married, lmfao.

FAVORITE MEMORIES

It’s bittersweet, but one of them would have to be all the times I used to just sit in one of my ex-best friends car. We used to be this trio that loved to drive around and just talk about how we felt and our dreams of being this band that made it big ( we were a church band, fyi lmao ) There was something magical about his car and him driving, with me in the passenger seat and @vcorhees in the back. We were best friends that just… fell so effortlessly into any kind of conversation. We’d pig out, smoke pot & *other, confide in one another and just enjoyed the simplicities of being in each other’s company. I mean, we were more than just friends, we were family. It was a hard slap in the face when that fell apart, but I believe God has a reason for everything and even if I don’t know the reason yet, I trust he’s gonna be alright, despite my reservations. 

[supergirlspurgatory]

Okay so I have a Wayhaught story for you. So I was thinking about how Emily was saying Wynonna definitely has opinions about Waverly and Nicole being together so what if Wynonna takes a moment with Nicole to have "the talk" with her about how she better not hurt her or end up like Champ (but she knows she won't) and Waverly hears part of this conversation and runs aways and now is very distant with Nicole bc she thinks Wynonna scared her away but later she assures she's not going anywhere

So, I couldn’t help myself and i wrote a whole fic for this. Hope you like it!!!!

Waverly was finally back from that creepy possession ordeal that they had to deal with, and she will absolutely tell you, that she will never be touching any strange gunk that she finds on the ground or otherwise, ever again. But everything is okay now and Wynonna, Waverly, Doc, and Nicole have taken over the Black Badge office in their search to try and find and get Dolls back.

It is had been a few days and the four of them have been locked up in that office. 

Waverly has been pouring over books and the internet, searching for anything she can wrestle up about secret government agencies that she can.

Wynonna was going through Dolls’s computer while she drinks whiskey out of his X cup, and muttering curse words under her breath since frankly there isn’t anything useful or entertaining of the hard drive.

Doc was sitting alone, at the far corner of the table. At first, he had spent a lot of time examining the vials that he had injected into Dolls before the showdown are Shorty’s. Now, though, he has moved on playing Solitare with an impossibly old set of cards.

Nicole, she has been sniffing out every gun and other weapons she can find in the office, she has been cataloging them and cleaning them, even going so far as to dismembering and, all the guns. At one point she even managed to wrestle PeaceMaker away from Wynonna. It was a very difficult feat and she found out that it hadn’t been cleaned in a very long time, probably since Wyatt himself had it.

Now it has been a couple of weeks, and with all the stress, Wynonna had pretty much forgotten about Nic and Waves dating, and reverting back to her normal self, had become totally oblivious of the lingering eye contact between her sister and the officer, not so subtle touching that they exchanged whenever close enough, and that whenever one of them left the room the other followed. She was so wrapped up in herself she had pretty much forgotten about the two dating.

At the end of the fourth night, after all of them had done almost as much as they could. Wynonna hadn’t found anything on the computer. Waverly hadn’t found anything mention a Black Badge Division. Nicole had run out of weapons to clean. And Doc, well how many games of solitaire can someone really play before they go insane? They all had started to sigh heavily and push their work away.

Grabbing Nicole’s hand, and looking across to Wynonna who’s face was buried in her palms, Waverly clears her throat, “You know Gus left me a message early and said that she was going to open Shorty’s back up tonight, invited us to stop by.”

“Got Dolls and I’s mess all cleaned up then?” Doc asks when he perks up at the idea of going to the saloon for a drink.

“Yup, I guess some town’s folk pitched in,” Waverly starts, “Gus said they wanted to try and make it up to Wynonna, the whole trying to kill her thing.”

“Strange,” Wynonna finally adds, “They’ve never felt bad about my near death before, I guess people are growing around here.”

“Oh come on Earp,” Nicole can’t help but attempt to protest that, “not everyone in this town hates you.”

Wynonna scoffs at that, “You clearly did not grow up around here red. But that is a conversation for another night when my brain doesn’t feel like soup. I think we ought to head down there, support Gus.”

It didn’t take them long to pack their things up and head to Shorty’s. Wynonna had already slipped behind the bar and found a bottle of whiskey and four glasses. Doc had stepped out to get some air for a few minutes. Waverly and Nicole had claimed a booth and were cuddled up pushed into the corner of the booth and were enjoying a slightly discreet and satisfying make out session.

“What the hell is this, guys?” Wynonna almost demands as she sets the bottle and glass down on the table.

“Uh, it’s me kissing my girlfriend Wy,” Waverly answers, with a very confused tone.

“Oh shit.” Wynonna declares as it dawns on her. “I, uh, I forgot about that.”

“No shit Earp,” Nicole adds after she lets out a giggle.

“I guess you and I need to have a little talk then Haught,” Wynonna replies as she starts the red-head down.

“I think that may be my cue to go find Doc,” Waverly says as she gives Nicole an apologetic smile for throwing her to the wolves or rather wolf that is Wynonna Earp, and then heads away.

“What exactly do you think you’re doing with my little sister?“ Wynonna asks, jumping right in.

“Honestly? Loving her.” Is all Nicole offers her in response.

“She’s been loved before Haught. What’s supposed to make you think you’re any different?” Wynonna questions the red head further.

“The way that I look at her.” Nicole challenges.

“And what way might that be?”

“Like she, herself, hung the moon and the stars, just for me.” Is all Nicole gives in return. Honestly, if you Wynonna hasn’t figured it out by now, she figuring she’ll have to draw it out for the woman.

“Champ used to look at her like that until she stopped being a trophy for him to win and became the strong young woman that she is. How am I supposed to know that you’re different than him?” Wynonna challenges Nicole. She knows that Nicole is different, but she needs to get a promise right from the woman.

“Because I’m not a boy-man-child like he was or is or whatever. Come on Wynonna, you’ve known me for a while now, do you really think I have it in me to treat anyone like crap, let alone Waves?” Nicole asks the question almost beginning to feel hurt.

“Well, I guess you’ve got a point there. I just have to make sure to give you the shovel talk or whatever. You know, Waverly is the most important person in my life and I haven’t really been there for her until recently, and I think I’m still a little too caught up in the curse bullshit to truly give her the attention she deserves.” Wynonna offers the confession as a peace offering of sorts.

“I get that Wy. But you are here now, and you’re not going anywhere. Plus, she has me now too, so I think she’ll be just fine.”

As Nicole finishes her statement, Waverly is walking back up to the table and notices the two other women completely emerged in the conversation but doesn’t catch anything, until Wynonna’s final statement.

“I get that. But just to put it out there, if you so much as crack her heart, or treat her even a little poorly, I swear to you, I’ll be using PeaceMaker for more that putting down revenants.” It’s an empty threat as she knows Nicole is better than that. As she finished though she notices Waverly within earshot and is completely unaware that she has been standing there long enough to hear the threat. 

“Hey, Baby Girl!” Wynonna greats Waverly with a broad smile. “Did you find Doc?”

“I ummm, I’m not feeling well, can you take me home Wynonna?” Waverly asks, not even responding to the question, she’s so shaken up from hearing the threat, scared of what it means. Does Wynonna no like Nicole as much as she’d been letting on the past few weeks?

“I can take Babe.” Nicole offers before Wynonna gets a chance to respond.

“No, I want Wynonna to take me.” Is all Waverly offers, and honestly the way she says it is a little cold. Before either Nicole or Wynonna has a chance to interject again, Waverly has headed out of the building. Thinking, dammit Wynonna, I finally found a good one, and you’re going and scaring her away, you can’t threaten lesbians with guns, it freaks them out. Admittedly, Waverly may have recently delved into gay culture and learned a lot about lesbian tropes.

“You’re not driving her anywhere Earp.” Is how Nicole decides is best to start the conversation.

“Why the hell not Haught? If Waves wants to go, I’ll take her where ever she wants.” Wynonna defends herself.

“No, you won’t. You’ve been drinking Whiskey all day, and you’ve drunk half that bottle by yourself while we’ve been sitting here. It’s not safe for you to get behind the wheel.” Nicole offers as she stands up and slips on her jacket.

“Fine. You going to go get her then?” Wynonna reluctantly asks.

“Yeah. Y’all can come sleep at my place when you get done here if you want.” Nicole presents the peace offering.

“Thanks, but there’s a room upstairs here, we’ll just take it. Let’s meet in the office at noon tomorrow? Give everyone a chance to get some extra rest.” Wynonna offers in return, her own peace offering of sorts.

“Sure, see ya then.” And with that Nicole has turned to head out the saloon herself. 

Nicole runs through the bodies as quickly as she can, pushing through the front doors, and scanning her surroundings. She finds Waverly sitting in her Jeep, letting it run. As Nicole gets closer to the Jeep, she notices hard sporadic shaking of Waverly’s shoulders, a clear sign of the tears that a certainly falling down the girl’s face. Wasting no more time, she runs to the driver’s door where Waverly is sat and pulls it open. Before she has a chance to protest or even notices who’s arms are enveloping, Nicole makes quick work gather Waverly up, rubbing her hands up and down the younger woman’s back.

“What’s wrong baby?” Nicole whispers in her ear.

With the question, Waverly starts to push Nicole away but doesn’t have enough strength to get her too far away.

“I asked for Wynonna,” Waverly states through heavy breaths.

“I know, but I don’t feel comfortable with Wynonna taking you anywhere. She’s had too much to drink.” Nicole offers, loosening her grip while looking down to search Waverly’s eyes to try and figure out what is going on. “I was thinking we could go to my place and I would take care of you.”

“I don’t expect you to take care of me Nic. You don’t even want to be around me, I’m sure.” Waverly states, not being able to help herself and leaning into Nicole.

“What the heck are you talking about Waverly?” Nicole asks shocked.

“I heard what Wynonna said. She threatened to kill you.” Waverly makes the statement though another round of tears.

“Oh baby,” Nicoles starts, with a grin playing at her lips. “She didn’t mean that.”

“Yes she did, she doesn’t joke about using PeaceMaker,” Waverly mumbles into the collar of Nicole’s shirt, that is quickly absorbing tears and most likely a gross combination of slobber and snot, not that Nicole minds. Waverly can bawl into any of her shirts any time she needs to.

“No babe, I promise she didn’t mean it. She knows I would never hurt you. She knows that I love you too much. She knows that I will treat you better than anyone else has ever treated you. She just said that because she felt like she had to finish her shovel talk.” Nicole whispers it to Waverly as she combs a hand through her hair.

“Are you sure?” Waverly asks, starting to regain her composure. 

“Yes, I promise. Now let’s go home and go to sleep. I think you may be a little over exhausted from the past couple weeks.” Nicole says as she lifts Waverly up, letting the smaller woman cling to her like a Khola bear, and walks to the other side of the Jeep. “We can sleep in and go get breakfast, Wynonna doesn’t want us coming in until noon.”

As she lets Nicole settle her into the passenger’s seat of her own car, she watches Nicole intently. Nicole just pays attention to what she’s doing. She buckles Waverly in and leans across her to turn the heat up a bit. As she is pulling herself out of the car, though, Waverly grabs the lapels of her jacket and pulls her so the forehead to forehead.

“You promise you want to be with me?” Waverly asks gently, her breath tickling Nicole’s lips.

“I promise Waverly. Ther is nowhere else, I would rather be.” Nicole makes what is probably the truthful statement of her life, and she is rewarded. She is rewarded by Waverly who leans in, gently pushing her lips to Nicoles, it’s the kiss of a promise, a kiss that means I love you, a kiss that says thank you for loving me. It gently but still passionate. Their lips move together like a choreographed dance. It is as though they were made for kissing each other, and honestly, they probably are.

“Good, because I feel the exact same way.” Waverly states as she pulls away but stays close enough to punctuate each word with another kiss.

[a9saga]

something happened today--i thought i might do some kind of serious writing piece to just post here about it later, or something. maybe i still will. but i’ll just put this, which i’m about to confess candidly, out for now:

i got a call from my mom around 1:20 today telling me to tell my sister diana she doesn’t have to come in to work today because my grandfather’s going to pass away.

we were both supposed to work today. my work was cancelled bc i work outdoors and it’s raining. diana would just watch him and now she doesn’t have to.

i just checked my texts and he did about an hour ago. he’d had a brain tumor the year i entered high school, and a few more serious health scares in the years between then and now. his brain tumor came back while he’d been quarantined alone at his assisted living place.

i always thought of fall/winter 2013 as the clean beginning of a new part of my life, not just because i started high school then. a lot of things felt like they were wrapping up then, but also there were new beginnings for things that’d be increasingly important to me. i had a hard time telling when that chapter had finished but it’s occurred to me i think it’s right about now.

for example, that was the year i’d started writing stories and also the year i started taking math seriously as something i might want to keep doing in my future. i’d been good at math but my grades were shit the year before. i was seriously, chronically depressed and also suffered from medical problems so i didn’t really have a grasp on what was going on in any of my classes. in ninth grade math became my best, most prioritized subject in school and my turn to writing had been a very helpful tool for coping with my mental illness. in 2020, at age 21, i’m in school to teach math and i’ve also had my first published story printed this year. so those are two things to have come full circle from then to now.

also in high school, in junior year, fall of 2015 two things took place, one admittedly seeming more silly than another. the silly seeming one was seventeen.

arbitrary, maybe. but as i caught back up with them in quarantine i can’t help but think about the timing of my seventeen phase. i’d known em since debut and liked them for three very tumultuous years of my life. from 2015-2018, i was diagnosed with autism, i accepted that i was a lesbian, i’d had another chronically sick spell of what i had in middle school, i’d been through all sorts of mental illness episodes i’m not going to go into, i’d lost touch with all my irl friends, then i got my driver’s license, i started college, and after i got out of the loop with svt i’d even make friends again. luckily most of the bad shit never saw the light of day on my blog as i was very good at not oversharing it. but do you know how many intense sessions of crying i’d followed with seventeen? i’d been through a lot with those guys, and you know, frankly, with that same timeline of 2015-2018 seventeen had been through a lot as a group with me too. they were a healthy distraction for me for a long time. it was also nice to see em grow.

the other thing in fall of 2015 was that my brother jon, who was 20 at the time, started dating this girl called katrina. it was some months before i’d get to really know her, but i came to love her like my brother did. i remember a breakthrough in my relationship to her coming about some time in 2016.

me, diana, jon, katrina - we were all in my kitchen just having some kind of group rant session, not even sure how it started. but i mentioned in the beginning of my point that that year i’d been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder and all the crazy shit about how hard it was for my to get that diagnosis. how for years i’d had doctors arguing about it and how in the eyes of my mother that diagnosis made me a different person than i was before. and that was something i was nervous to even say then. i remember feeling shaky dropping the word ‘autism’ and katrina was the first person outside of my family i really happened to share that with. and you know what? i’ve no doubt that katrina does not judge me for it.

jon and katrina got engaged about a month ago or so. i was there, i cried. i’d never cried of happiness before so it really caught me by surprise.

and now i’m going to bring it back to my grandfather.

i was in his room at hospice (end-of-life care, basically) three days ago on monday. he was thinner, and hard to talk to. i knew he 

the day before, both of my brothers, dan and jon, had visited him together. jon brought by two printed out pieces of paper, written in comic sans, with some ruined, unsticky tape on the edges. i recognized it. it used to be on the wall in the kitchen in my grandfather’s house. my brother wrote it in elementary school. it was titled “my very best pal”.

he started off saying that his named was robert but his friends call him bob. he lives on a big pond in hillsborough, new hampshire and he likes to go fishing with his best friend moe. when jon was little, he asked grampy if he’d be his very best pal and grampy said yes.

and i remembered something when i read it. i remembered, it might have been even over a year after jon and katrina had been dating... it was a while. we went out to a chinese buffet, which we used to do with him all the time when we were kids. katrina came with us that day. my grandfather brought jon a birthday card and in it he had written at the end, lovingly, jokingly, “i understand i am no longer your very best pal? grampy”

which brings me to a few hours ago after getting off the phone with my mother, telling me my grandfather was passing away today. she didn’t cry when she told me. she was quite assertive and accepting although i know she’s having a hard time with it herself.

i will admit this is actually the first time in my 21 years i’ve lost a grandparent. i’ve been unbelievably fortunate. i’d never expect that. i’m the youngest on both sides of my family tree and up to today had four living grandparents.

my brother dan lives on the other side of boston now. i didn’t know he was coming over. he just stood at the corner between both my and diana’s closed bedroom door and asked “can i have a hug?” and we both opened the door and hugged him. i started crying about it for the first time today.

i thought to myself earlier, listening to seventeen (which i caught back up with a couple months ago as ya might know if you follow me) and processing what my mother told me over the phone before i could work up the tears, isn’t this all coming full circle? that’s a nice completion to the chapter of my life i’ve been on since high school. dan and jon are both grown ups with real jobs, jon’s marrying the beautiful woman he started dating when i started listenin to my silly favorite boy band, grampy’s at peace from his brain tumor, and i’m listening to the same lil group to make myself feel better.

i’m going to be okay, though, i promise. because he’s okay now.