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I'll probably delete this later, just wanted to get my thoughts out of my head. I got diagnosed with ADHD last winter as an adult, and as many others when they try to get diagnosed I got the comment "I hope you're not gonna use it as an excuse and say "Oh I haven't done X cause I have ADHD"". Which is very hurtful to get especially when it's from people close to you. It can be so difficult, and if you're unlucky super expensive, to get assessed at all. However I realized yesterday that actually, I am in fact often repeating to myself "I have ADHD", just not as an excuse to get a free pass for not doing something.
Despite growing up with brothers that are neurodivergent and got diagnosed as children, I was repeatedly dismissed whenever I reached out to health services. The first time I got dismissed was as a kid and they said I was just a little sensitive, some girls around my age are. They also blamed it on other stuff that was pure bs.
The second time was in my early 20s. I made it 1 year living entirely on my own while studying at Uni before I went on a year long sick leave due to depression and anxiety. I tried again to get an assessment, but was turned away this time too and was told I only had depression. I can't be neurodivergen because I had been successful in school and had a job since I was old enough to get one. The third time I was finally listened to and by then I had already figured out on my own that I have ADHD (inattentive). Getting an official diagnosis was important cause I've needed help my whole life and I won't get it without one.
It's now around 7-8 months since. Health services are slow so I'm just now starting to get access to help and tools like meds and coaching. And after all of these years trying to live as if I was neurotypical, with the added bonus of depression and anxiety as a comorbidity due to not receiving help when I was younger, I have so many pieces I need to pick up and put back together again. I struggle with a lot. Every. Single. Day. So I try to remind myself that it's okay; I have ADHD. I need to unlearn being mean to myself when I'm struggling with stuff. Because it's so easy to start thinking I'm lazy, stupid, incompetent, whatever else self-deprecating thing I can think of. And I've believed it for so long too.
I have ADHD. It's not an excuse, it's a validation that I'm not bad because I struggle. I struggle cause my brain works a certain way. By reminding myself of that I'm also reminded to be kind to myself and approach life in a way that's better suited for me.
#delete later#rambling about ADHD#women and afab speaking openly about their experiences with ADHD and how it presents differently helped me learn a lot about myself#tldr it's okay to remind yourself you have ADHD so you remember to be kind to yourself
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Congrats on the 1k uwu
Could I get a matchup for the event?
I use Luke as my name. I use any pronouns and my sign is Aries. I like cooking, baking, digital drawing and reading. I also one of those people who get goosebumps while listening to music and making up various scenarios in my head. Many of my hobbies got deteriorated due to my uni work and my depression, but I still enjoy doing them.
I also like to talk about different diseases, anatomy and about nature in general, which is due to my profession, so whoever I end up with has to be able to hold a conversation about those things (yes, I work in medical field, so all that gross stuff).
Personality wise, I had two results on the 16 personality tests, which both kinda fit - infp and intp, depending on the situation. I'm lazy but inventive, stubborn, logical but I do have small breakdowns everytime I fail, but it's not concerning, it lets me to relieve my stress. I was the weird kid, but that's because I just didn't know how to connect to my peers, because as a gifted child, I preferred books over social interaction. I'm usually silent and instead of confrontation often chose slience and just not coming back anymore. I'm also an advice box for everyone. I don't want to solve my problems because I'm lazy, but i do find ways how to solve problems of others.
But when it comes to relationships, I can and I will tell all the things that are wrong.
In a partner I look for stability, trust and loyalty, those are the most important. FwB is not for me, nor is a poly relationship. I want to have one serious relationship over few some random and casual. I also think I'm on the ace spectrum, so there is that.
I like my partner's witty and intelligent, yet being kind and soft. I don't like bad boy attitude and I don't like people too dependant on others.
My favourite romance troupe is soulmate au. Any fluff really, no abusive enemies to lovers.
Ideal date would be ordering takeout and eating food while cuddling on a couch. Physical touch is very important for me.
That would be all that I can think of.
Congratulations again owo
🎉🎉🎉
Hihi! Thank you for participating!
Your Perfect Match is...
Albedo
First of all I just want to say, everything about your request screamed Albedo. You're just perfect together!
You first meet each other because you had to work together on some research. The Knights of Favonius have reached out to you about it and asked if you could help out their chief alchemist with it.
Little did you know what a looker that Chief Alchemist would turn out to be.
As soon as you worked together it felt so natural and as if you'd already been working together for years despite only just meeting each other for the first time. It felt like you had just found your soulmate in him!
Albedo wasn't oblivious to that either, it felt great to work with someone who was thinking the exactly same thing, came to the same conclusions or added some input he didn't consider yet. In short, you were stunning to him.
If you break down and get frustrated with your research he would be there to give you his thoughts and inputs and would try you to the best of his abilities.
Everytime he stumbles into problems with his research or feels like he has reached a dead end you are more than willing offer your advice and help him get to where he wants to.
You two just vibe. Albedo isn't too big on social interactions either. Going to a party? festival? Nah, you both stay at home reading books, cuddling and ordering takeout.
Deep talk is a given with Albedo seeing as he is intelligent and seemingly never turns his brain off, he is always thinking about something or philosophizing.
Your favorite thing to do together would be waking up together early in the morning, cuddling in bed and just talking before work.
"Amazing. It feels like we've been working together for years already. What a peculiar feeling - I think I could get used to it."
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HI CLAIRE!!! I AM COMING BACK AGAIN TO JOIN THE MATCH UP 😩 I hope you don't mind!
CONGRATS AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL CLAIRE!!! I hope Ran always come to your dreams every single night 😌💖 We should discussing our fantasy about him again soon 😌
And here is me! (I edited this so I can give you a complete description about me)
I'm 8w9 INTP sp/sx sun: Leo moon: gemini, my height is 153cm and I have a petite body. Mentally ill? Yes, I am bipolar and having anorexia (more like relapsing again after surgery). When I am at my manic episode, I almost kill my family at the car-crash because I got too irritated that I pulled my sister's hair while she was driving—luckily she's a good driver or I am gonna be in jail rn 😩 When I was a kid, I used to get into some fights with boys (I won ofc) but since my father died, I tried not to get into fight ( I don't want to deal with my mother's dramatic and victim-mentality ass ) and I (gladly) never fight again after that 😌 That's why I really good at sport ( as a female I always got the highest point—even when compared to the male, I still on the top 5 on sport ) I really good on art ngl that's the reason I am at uni rn because I got scholarship (I won several art competition)! Also, I did english debate competition back then, but we were this 🤏 close to get into semi-final but bruh we defeated by 0.20 point! 🥲 I can do all those things by self-taught!
When I feel sad or miserable, I punish myself by starving myself lmao. Or I will usually get quiet and cut people around me.
My social skills? Fine I think. I weirdly get along with a lot of people (everyone kinda knows me) but I never talk to them first. Even though I have a lot of friends, I only have one close friend ( tragic right:") )
My personality is rude—blunt in the rude way(?), I do whatever I want to because I seek freedom of expression, LOVE debating about certain issues, and surprisingly I'm quite a wise person. But, I have no jam. Right, I couldn't make any jokes since I usually use the wrong tone in my voice :( I prefer to keep my joke inside my imagination or write it down somewhere. I always try to dominate my man, but I want my man to dominate me too ( do you get what I mean here? 😭 ) I love to be alone too. I HATE loud voices, reptiles, and crowds. I'm not the type of person who easily shows my love to anyone. I think because I have a really high pride *sigh. I felt like my kin actually is Rindou Haitani. But when I took the quiz I got Kazutora, Getou, Mori, Eren, and Dio Brando (that's the funny one)
I'm working as a graphic designer. Which somehow makes me currently don't have any interest. But I love listening to music (pop-rock and r&b ) . I love watching wwe/mma and hate romance anime/movies.
I'd like JJK and Haikyuu match up, please🥺 NSFW and I want male!
—Sorry for long ask :(
Hey my sweet plum, I read your request thousand times, let me say that I got worried and a bit sad hearing what you had to face in your life. I hope your mental health, despite your bipolarism, it isn't too messed up, lot of genius such as Michelangelo suffered bipolar disorder and see what he was capable to create! Ran woke me up this weekend, he wanted company 😁
Anyway, here your escort for my birthday party:
Jujutsu Kaisen - Megumi Fushiguro
Babe it was him or Nanamin, I opted that Megumi could be better since he has more patience than Nanami for your bratty attitude.
Megumi has the sharp mind to get through your facade, to understand your struggles and cope without problems with your rythm.
When you're manic episodes appear, he knows how to support every idea you get, even the strangest one. The first times he was worried to see you this active and in the mood to do things but now he got used to it.
Talking about these episodes, he enjoys when you're in the mood to debate with him or others.
He often suggest to watch some educative documentaries or biopic movies especially the ones that involves human rights. You get in a fiery mood when you watch it and try to explain why the things that the characthers had to endure are atrocious and illegally and how we should fight to eradicate them from the society.
Going to the other facade of the your personality, the depressive episodes are quite difficult to handle, you stay a lot in bed, you don't want to do anything.
He always brings you a cup of tea and cuddles you for hour, sometimes he gives you a paper to let you draw.
He hates when he needs to get you up for work, he knows you struggle and sometimes even cry but in the end when you get a grip you feel a little bit better.
In these cases, he brings you out for a jog or just a walk with his divine dogs or the little bunnies ready to pet.
Overall Megumi has a lot of patience with you but he's repaid when he sees the portrait and the things you cook for him, the struggle worths the prize in the end!
Haikyuu - Daichi Sawamura
I decided you definitely need a calm but strict man in your life and Daichi is perfect for this!
In Haikyuu universe you definitely play in the female team and you met Daichi during a combined training! You're a middle blocker in your team and you can't get me think otherwise!
You are strong and Daichi is astonished to see this, but when Nekoma came for the second time in Miyagi and Kuroo got on you, to give you some advices for a better tecnique, that's where Daichi got really jealous! He saw you for first and he definitely doesn't want, that roosterhead to hit on you!
"Marv go out with me!" it wasn't a question, it was a statement "I guess asking isn't in your knowledge, but Daichi there are proper times when to ask me out. Not when I'm sweaty and in a middle of a training!" you say with sharp eyes, Kuroo laughed at your bluntness and went away, but Daichi reply "Yep, sorry I got carried away and I felt to say it know" you smirk and say "Jelous are we? Ne Daichi don't blush!".
Your relationship is pretty natural, your dates consist in training and homemade dinner
You're pretty active and energetic in Daichi's mind, that's why when you went in one of your depressive episodes he got really worried.
As Megumi he took a lot of care of you, but the difference is that he prefers that you recover from yourself, also, if you have a therapy it's really difficult for you to take it in these moments and he obliges you to eat something and help you bring down the pill.
Normally you would hate these moments, but Daichi knows really well how to handle them, comfort foods such as pizza, tacos, ice cream, sushi are there for you to help you improve your mood and somehow it helps.
When you get a bit better, you can't go out training but you definitely draw or play sports with the Wii at home, this is definitely quality time for him.
Overall it could sound strange but Daichi doesn't hate these episodes, because he can see that you can do chores or just have fun, and this is definitely a proof of strenght for him!
He definitely loves Marv the warrior girl!
I finished! Babe hope this wasn't too sad for you, but I figured out that seeing you needed fluff and comfort, thanks for opening up and join the event, if you want to help me with a little gift here this is my Ko-Fi!
#claire milestone#claire birthday event#haikyuu!!#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen x reader#haikyu x reader#fushiguro megumi#fushiguro x reader#daichi sawamura#daichi x reader
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Love in the form of four paws
Pairing: Bucky x reader
Word count: 1551
Warnings: fluff, angst?, mentions of depression and some past traumas. sorry for any typo
A/N: Drunk drabbles for @the-ss-horniest-book-club After so long of not writing anything (uni is chaotic at the moment) here’s something that starts out sad but will hopefully warm up your heart.
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After everything that has happened, Bucky felt lonely despite being surrounded by his teammates. He was never the same after Hydra, and no amount of therapy was helping him feel like he fit in.
He could feel Steve was trying his best to bring his best friend back, but that Bucky was gone, killed during the war, all that was left was the shadow of the man he was. And that scared him more than he would like to admit it. He started skipping morning practices with Sam and Steve and before he knew it, he wasn't even showing up for sparing with Natash anymore.
Slowly he isolated more and more from the others and eventually even moved out of the compound, getting a small apartment in Brooklyn to try and reconnect to his long lost self. He started putting up a bit of weight, but admittedly, it made him feel like he was finally moving on, like he didn't have to be constantly fit and ready for a fight. He liked this new him.
But his apartment still felt too big and lonely. He wanted company, despite having run away from it, he wanted comfort only another soul could give him. So he made up his mind and search for a shelter around his area that he could go to. He found one only half an hour drive away, so without thinking more of it, he picked up his keys and made his way to the elevator descending the five floors to the underground parking lot and getting into his car.
The drive was mostly spent thinking about what type of dog he thought would be best for him. A bigger dog would be preferable because he was too scared that if he was too small he would step on him, and the less fur he had the better, because he wanted to be able to pet him, and whit his metal hand his fur could get stuck in it.
Once he parked outside of the animal shelter he had a pretty nice idea of what type of dog he wanted, and so he walked inside with confidence and waited at the front desk for someone to show up. The shelter had a pet store in the front, and the animals for adoption in the back, so it was easier to pick out all the items the dog would need after he found the perfect dog.
He could hear sound approaching from behind the door, and he saw a little girl leaving with a small dog followed by her mother and a girl with a grey shirt with the shelter logo embroidered on it. She looked at Bucky and smiled, telling him she would be right with him in a moment. He only nodded and waited patiently for her to return.
"Hi! My name is (Y/N), how can I help you today?" she says cheerily once she returns to the desk, shuffling around some papers and storing them inside a folder.
"I'm looking to get a dog, if it was a larger breed and with no fur, it would be…." Bucky gets interrupted by her light giggle, and suddenly feels himself relax his tense shoulders and smiling softly at her. He took her in, her bright eyes and soft-looking hair up in a messy bun, paired with her rosy cheeks and a bright smile.
"Everyone usually walks in with the same idea. They want a specific pet, but what they don't know is that that's not how it works. The animals here choose their owners. Not the other way around." She grabs some keys on her desk and walks closer to the door she had come from before. "Come along, I'll show you our beauties. And then we can select some for you to spend some time with to bond and see how they react around you."
Bucky nods and follows suit. "Sounds good." he says. The first room she unlocks leads to a big room filled with cages with cats of all breeds. They all started mewing and preening up at Bucky, wanting to catch his attention.
"The dog's pen is right ahead…" she stops talking when she sees Bucky looking at some of the smaller kittens, that are playing around with their brothers. There's a smaller cat with them, that was just to the side of the cage, not movie too much.
"What's wrong with the little guy?" he asks, getting closer to the cage and slowly raising his palm to the door.
"He was the only survivor of his litter, even him mom passed away, and so he wasn't alone we put him with the others kittens, he's having a hard time adjusting though, so he's always alone in that corner." She puts a hand on his shoulder and smiles up at him once more while looking at the small kitten. "I can take him out for you, if you want? To see how he reacts to being picked up."
Bucky's forlorn look vanishes and he looks at her expectantly while nodding, stepping away from the cage while she unlocks it so that Bucky could have access to all the small kittens. She stays silent for a while, just looking at the way he's being gentle with them all and pats his arm to catch his attention.
"You seem quite smitten with these kittens, and I might have someone that will be happy to see you and have some company for his final moments. Why don't you stay here while I go pick him up?" Bucky nods and turns his attention back to the small balls of fur currently climbing his henley shirt and nestling up to his arms and neck.
She returns with a bigger cat, fur white with small grey patches. Once they're both close enough Bucky can take a better look at the cat in her arms, and notice the missing leg and left ear.
"This is Pirate. He came to the shelter really beaten up, lost his ear and his leg, and because of that, no one wants him. This is his last week here, and I want him to be happy. He's a big cuddle bug and loves to be petted, but I can't give him attention all day, unfortunately." (Y/N) moves closer to Bucky and gently motions for him to pick up the white cat, which he does gladly, while the furry thing starts to lick up his palm and purring low on his belly.
"He's so calm and friendly, why wouldn't anyone take him home?" Bucky's frown fades once the white cat lays on his arms, and the kitten snuggles with them, their size contrast warming up Bucky's heart.
"Some people prefer the cute pups or kittens, and end up leaving the older animals here to be forgotten. But all they want is just to be loved, and a few treats." she says with a giggle.
Bucky is silent for a few moments looking at the two so different cats on his arms, but yet so equal. All they want is a loving home and a place to belong. Just like him. They were all looking for the same thing, and together they could have it.
"I never thought myself to be a cat guy, but they are quickly warming up to me." The small kitten started mewling and trying to climb higher, reaching up to Buckys stubbled cheek and scratching it's tinny head on him, all while he tried to stay still so as not to make the little one fall from his shoulder. "And I guess I'm also warming up to these guys."
"I'll make all the arrangements then!"
Half an hour later, with a lot of cat items in the trunk of his car and the two furry creatures nestled together in a carrier Bucky was ready to sign the adoption papers and get home with his new companions.
"This is all the papers you will need, along with the notes for the checkups and any medical need they might have, you can directly come to us and we'll help."
Bucky looks fondly back at his car, seeing the two cats curled up together, the two cats that I heartbeat took over his own heart and made him want to take them home without a second guess.
"I'm going to be honest, I'm gonna miss Pirate a lot. But I'm extremely grateful that he's going home with such a nice person. Thank you for saving him. Both of them."
"You know, you can still see him... we could go for a coffee one of these days?" Bucky's voice is low, almost as if he was too shy to even ask her out, but the slow smile spreading on her face let him know that she had heard it.
"I would like that a lot." she scribbles something on a post-it and hands it to him, her phone number. "Give me a call?" He nods enthusiastically and the rest of his ride home he can't help but smile at the decision he had made that morning of driving to the animal shelter. Not only he got two new adorable cats, he had also met someone that made him want to get back out and give love another chance.
#chubby Bucky#Bucky Barnes#bucky barnes x reader#drunk drabbles#hbc drunk drabbles#My writing#hbc clean up the archive challenge
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Get ready for a long one (sorry) : What's up with people saying being a virgin is okay at my age (20-21) but then I'm always in a situation where I can't find a partner that isn't judgemental about it? How do people even find partners without using apps too? Why do people make it seem like it's easy to find a partner if I have crippling social anxiety and major depression? I feel like I'm always running out of time because of this
Yo you're my first ask in ages so this is cool, bit out of the blue but whatever! Always welcome.
20-21 is super young?? there is no age cap on virginity anyway but like especially when you're just starting out as an *adult* it's a ridiculous standard to expect everyone has had sex. It is hard enough to make friends/keep up with old ones/find a job/study/etc. anyway, like OP don't be too hard on yourself, early twenties is a hectic time. Plus it's not any indicator of personhood, it's no one's business but yours, and like there's so many more important things in the world to be concerned about.
Unfortunately the problem with trying to date in early twenties is that generally you're dating people the same age as yourself - which is definitely a good thing! - but it means that you run into a vast array of different maturity levels and life experiences. AKA a lot of people who haven't fully grown up yet who think stuff like this is important. Now I am definitely *not* saying date people much older than yourself as that has far more issues (safety etc.), but it's worth knowing that judgemental partners clearly have not have the life experience or development (particularly of empathy) to understand their immaturity about this. It's also a choice on their behalf to be an asshole - it's one thing to say that sex is important for them in a relationship, another thing to be mean to you about your different experience. That's on them being rude, it's not about you at all.
The good news is that despite the abundance of people like this at this age who are still growing up, I have met a large number personally who are very understanding and cool about stuff like this!! So it stands to reason that there are great people out there for everyone to meet 😄
'How to find people without using apps' - well truth be told I've never really used dating apps and I've been okay? That being said I have some advantages of having gone to uni and living inner-city so it's been easier to meet a bigger, more diverse group of people. I understand from people I've talked to that sometimes apps are a really good option, so take my advice with the proverbial grain of salt if it doesn't work for your situation!
Honestly my absolute best advice for meeting people is to get involved in stuff that you enjoy doing. I 10000% get the social anxiety thing, that has held me back a bunch of times, but the thing that has always always always worked for me is whenever I'm feeling a bit stuck (or just in general), doing some kind of new activity that I enjoy that involves other people. In the past I've done plays and musicals, I joined a uni choir, I volunteered at a local art gallery, I played netball - I tend to like arty things but you could be into sport, crafts, gardening, volunteering, reading, whatever! I can think of group examples of all of these things, and most of them are just an internet search away. Another great thing to do is piggy-back off of current friends! Go with them to something they're into - even if it's not really your thing, you can make new friends there.
(Obviously massive caveat - this doesn't really work in quarantine or social isolation - soz bud but you may have to wait and just use apps until this is all over. However I know of people who have made excellent internet friends in this manner (e.g. getting involved in Twitter circles of their favourite subjects), who are now real-life friends.)
The main reason why this *always* works (and I have always found new friends and romantic interests this way) is because a) you're in some kind of comfort zone, which means everything is that bit easier anxiety-wise and more fun! and b) you are GUARANTEED to meet people who think like you and who enjoy the same things as you. And there's really no bad way for this to go - even if you don't want to date anyone in the group, you're doing a fun activity with new friends which helps mental and physical health immensely. Win win! It's also great because it fixes that earlier problem of everyone being kinda judgey - if you diversify your social groups, you'll meet all sorts of people from different backgrounds, who will have very different perspectives on life.
As for time running out - psh! You're in your early twenties, in the 2020s, and the world is just about to come out of a *massive* trauma event. Swinging 20s will be BACK babey - EVERYONE is going to want to socialise and do as much fun stuff as they can, and you will be able to do as much or as little as you like! You're in absolute *prime* position to take advantage of this and have the time of your life. Don't have to party like crazy, but there will be all sorts of events catering to all kinds of interests, I am sure. (Also I know of plenty of people who are still dating in 40s and 50s or who only got married later on etc. and had a grand old time leading up to it and in it now! Whilst there is life there's hope my friend!)
So yeah stay safe & I think you will be more than okay OP ❤️
#steph's soliloquys#ask#anon#its been so long since ive had an ask that im wondering if this was meant for me lol#/if i know this person IRL#if the latter then heyo feel free to actually DM me whenever#if not then you're also welcome to come off anon & keep chatting 😄#also i should probably update my bio lmao ive been so lazy#im actually 23 now#which actually works with this coz bit of extra perspective but yeah soz if that was misleading#i just keep forgetting to update it
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Something was there, and I was home...
People often say that dreams are just your mind making up images to work through your days memories.
Dreams come from memories, and a few years ago I manged to teach myself a trick of semi-lucid dreaming where I could control the dream to some extent, and could easily dip back into it if something woke me up...
Dreams come from memories....
Normally I would agree, that except this morning I woke up from a dream I’ve had before. well almost had before. I remember the dream world it was set in, one that I’ve been to before but parts of it were changed, and I was older than the last time I remember having it. Much older.
It was set in a version of my city, a version that was a mix of all the other cities I've been to but was still my HOME city. This dream was set in the main shopping complex in a side isle I knew, oh I knew it so well.
But it had been so long since I last had a dream set in this dream world of mine, I kept on noticing parts that weren’t... right...
I can tell you how it was supposed to look like, that the shop at the end sold ice cream and pancakes, that the shop just before it was a nail parlour, before that was a jewellery store (but a kitsch one). across the isle was a bread store, then a hair dressers then a cobblers. At the start of this side isle was all these Asian food stores: a pho soup kitchen, an Indian take away, a weird little place that just made samosas.
And the floor.. the floor was like it was mixed child of a floor in Alice in Wonderland and the stairs in Labyrinth. It was not level, had little bumps and jolts with random steps in-between the shops and the ceiling always felt close.
I KNEW this place, it was somewhere I was sure I had been to several times, had chased my sister laughing through the food stalls as we went to go buy ice cream at the end, had dinner at the pho restaurant, where the owner called me her little owl, after the tilt of my head when I asked her questions. where I had bought trinkets for my hair from the jewellery store and wore these horrible flower rings from the place for weeks on end.
Yet in this dream...
It was in this dream that I suddenly realised that my memory of this place, this place I was always upset about never finding again, that I hated not being able to have those delicious peach and orange syrup pancakes, or the pistachio mint ice cream again and there was a flower clip I wanted from the jewellery store that I've never been able to find something similar to...
... My memory of this place was fake..
IT was fake. it didn’t exist, it was a memory of a dream which had built itself into my psyche so strongly that my sudden realisation it was not real jolted me upright in bed almost in tears.
The part however which made me realise that this place WAS a dream, was not a memory of the real world, was that it suddenly had people in it. I mean, it always have people in it last time I dreamt of it, but this time, the people were... strange... and I just knew they were not constructs of my dream.
The pho lady who called me an owl had black feathers in her short brown hair and had no eyes, just black voids with the barest twinkle of light, like stars you can barely see from the city sky. She touched my chin, smiled and the light got brighter, as she mentioned she had missed me and that I have travelled far to make it back to here.
At the Indian place, a lady with many arms stirred the pot on the stove and the face on the side of her head smiled at me while an armed waved as I passed her by.
The samosa stall was almost normal, and I remember buying some but they were filled with sweet cold rice with pieces of pickled plum, spring onions and nori. they tasted like one would thing spring water should.
The jewellery store had these.. winged creatures flying around placing the jewellery on the stands, and this older man with pointed ears and white almost silver hair that whispered as he moved. he piled my hair into sudden braids and placed a ring of flowers along my undercut. a kiss on my forehead, a murmur in a language I did not know and a push as he sent me onward.
I don’t remember much of the originator cobblers, as I had never needed to to there as a child, but this time the windows were now dark and all I could see inside were brief flashes of gold in the distance, like sparks at a forge or the flare of a hammer hitting the anvil.
The nail parlour was run by ladies with masks on the back of their head with long black hair, who crouched over a form as they delicately touched up the scales of some massive sky blue creature that felt warm and smelt of smoke and woodfire.
The hairdressers scared me the most, for I have never liked spiders, as giant spiders with female torsos hung from the ceiling and twirled up the hair of men and women with pointed ears, tangling spider silk into their weaves to pin them in place.
I don’t remember looking at the bread place much, but I could see large black and white furred forms hand forth packages to the street outside through the serving window.
I remember that the whole reason I came here was because I wanted the ice-cream, was craving the dragon fruit sorbet I had only had once before. But as I stepped into the ice-cream shop and the sight of weasels who walked on their back legs and had swords at their sides, serving the array of customers made me stand still. I can’t remember much more, as the pure silver creature behind the counter called out a name, MY name, and I jolted awake, panting in my bed as the ice cold morning air from the open window chilled my skin.
I felt like crying.
Like I had lost and found something, only to loose it again.
Something was different, and I felt different. as if a door that I never knew had been closed when I grew up was suddenly discovered open and for the few hours I was was allowed in, the muffling blanket that has covered my life since high school and I became an adult was lifted, if just for a moment, and all that I had forgotten was found again.
As much as I tried, I couldn’t get back in to that dream. I would close my eyes and slide into lucid dreaming easily and while I could easily step back into that dream world, everything was normal. The pho lady greeted me like I had not just been there, the samosas were boring and tasted of cumin and spice, the fairies were gone, the massive creature no longer took up the whole shop, and in its place a withered old lady in a pale blue coat was getting her nails done.
At the end of the isle, I entered the ice cream parlour and stared at the selection in dismay, to only see these normal bland flavours like chocolate and lemon on display. Not a dragon fruit in sight.
I forced myself awake, and then back into the dream several times in a row before the shock of my alarm jolted the lucidity from my grasp and I cried for the first time in a year.
Tomorrow morning I hope I can find the door again, and I pray it is open but I fear that I was only let in by mistake and that I’m not allowed to look at the dream through the eyes of an adult.
Something was there, I was home...
But now I’m back here again and it is gone, and I can feel the blanket settling back over me, locking me back into the push and pull of university and study as I grasp futilely for the light clear sense the dream gave me.
I can still see the light however, its not as muffled as before.
Something has changed, and I am different.
I hope its a good change.
#My writing#dreams#I have spent the whole day feeling so strange#I don't think we are meant to look at the wonders of a child through the eyes of an adult#I think I'm getting depression because of uni. despite the little work I have#I still can't keep on top of it#fae#fairy#step into fairy land#be forever changed
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