#I think it counts as valgrace? idk | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thebigqueer · 2 years

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"the good die young" - Valgrace - One-Shot

Summary: idk valgrace break up how do i explain it !!

Word Count: 6297

TW: mentioned murder (no actual depictions of murder though)

Notes: if you think this fic is ooc just want to say it was made for self-projection <3

Read on AO3

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Leo sighs, the sound of his exasperation falling over the dusty room. He leans back in his musty loveseat and plays with the knobs of his watch. Tick, tick, tick. It’s six o’clock, and the evening sun filters through the room, blanketing Leo in a golden-pink hue. Despite the tranquility of the moment, his heart twists in his chest, pumping anxiety into his bloodstream.

Jason should be here by now. He’s never missed the clock, and it doesn’t help that they don’t have much time left here, either. They’ll get caught if they stay in this dingy motel room for too long.

Leo sighs again, this time disgruntled. He throws himself off his loveseat and begins to pace the room, measuring the amount of steps he can take before Jason comes back. One footstep, two footsteps, three footsteps… It goes on and on, to the point where a dull ache crawls up Leo’s heels and his ankles groan with pain.

He’s finally hit two hundred forty-one before he hears a familiar pattern on the wooden door. He staggers in his footsteps, going rigid as the knock reverberates through his spine.

A cold, anxious draft spills into the room as the door creaks open. Leo stays frozen in place, afraid that any further move could break the fragile silence that follows. He takes a deep, slow breath, allowing the artificial air of the motel’s air conditioner to infiltrate his lungs. Then he turns to the door.

“You’re back,” he says, his voice piercing the air between him and Jason

A beat of silence passes. Then Jason offers a tip of his head in greeting, throws a black leather bag onto the bed, and takes a tentative step towards Leo.

“It’s almost time for us to leave,” he informs. “I cornered the guys in the alley. Me and Percy killed them both. It’s only a matter of time before someone finds their bodies.”

His voice is casual and chilled, as if killing people is something he does on the daily. And sometimes it really is. But Leo doesn’t miss the way Jason’s eyes flit away from him, the way his shoulders lower underneath the weight of guilt, the way his feet dig harder into the floor or the way his hand twitches at his side. He’s crumbling to ashes in front of Leo’s very eyes, wallowing in the filth of guilt and sin. He’s breaking down to his bare essentials, spilling over the carpet and leaving a mess.

A mess that Leo needs to clean up.

Jason wears a calm and collected facade, upholding the face of a boy who couldn’t give two fucks about what he did. But Leo knows him better than that. He knows each person he murders, each person he takes something from, tightens the chain of guilt on his heart, trapping him indefinitely in misery.

Jason deserved better than this. He was meant for love and comfort. He was meant for starlight.

He wasn’t born for this life.

But were any of them? Or had they all come across the misfortune of gangs and violence, of running and hiding? Were any of them deserving of this?

Perhaps it’s too late to think about that. If they didn’t deserve it before, they certainly deserved it now.

Jason heaves a sigh as he sits himself down on the edge of the bed, staring dejectedly at the floor. He looks broken beyond repair. He’s been thrown too hard and scattered too far, shattered to the point that no amount of glue could make him whole again.

Leo steps forward, and with each inch closer, he can almost feel Jason’s pool of misery seeping into his socks. As if sensing his presence, the blond tilts his head up to gaze at Leo. The harsh lighting of the bedroom pierces Jason’s skin, offering it a gray, cloudy tinge. His eyes are shattered glass, and if Leo keeps looking at them, he’s sure he’s going to make his own skin bleed when he steps into the dangers of whatever fears they hold.

But Leo wants to take it. He wants Jason to experience comfort in the chaos that surrounds them. He just wants to fix everything for him, because he deserves better than all of this.

Leo knows there is something so utterly fucked up about wanting to be the cure-all of Jason’s life. But there’s an ease in trying to help Jason with issues, an ease he just can’t find when he’s dealing with himself. He just wants to be what Jason needs; he wants to be perfect for him.

Maybe Leo’s just using Jason. Maybe he’s just looking for some sort of acceptance from an outside source because he knows he couldn’t do it himself. Maybe he just wants to please somebody, because he knows that he could never be enough for himself.

But maybe he could try to be enough for Jason.

Leo presses a gentle hand to his lover’s neck. Jason’s collarbone presses against the blue fabric of his T-shirt, and Leo runs his fingers quietly over it, feeling the fragile threads course underneath his fingertips. Jason flinches a little at his touch, eyes widening, almost as if Leo’s sparked him. But eventually he comes back to himself, and a low sigh emanates from his mouth, laden with exhaustion. Leo feels his tiredness seeping underneath his skin, feels Jason slipping through his fingers.

“How do you feel?” Leo asks, his voice steaming in the acidic air between them.

Jason closes his eyes, light eyelashes fluttering underneath the flickering white lights above. He leans his head closer to Leo, burying his cold face into the warmth of Leo’s core. Leo hesitates for a moment, considering his next move - what is it that Jason wants? Is it care? Affection? Empathy? An empty, static cloud of anxiety billows in Leo’s chest, filling him with a familiar, exhausting dread. What is he supposed to do? What does Jason want him to say? What will help him?

“I’m just… tired,” Jason says finally. His arm glides in the air and loops behind Leo’s waist. He tugs him closer, and there goes Leo’s skin, burning hot and bright. Jason’s the fuel, and Leo’s the fire consuming his essence. “Too much for one day. And then we have to get up early tomorrow if we want to get out of here fast.”

Leo winces. “How early are we talking?”

Jason’s lips quirk with a small smile and he tips his head back a little, glancing at Leo through eyes that sparkle playfully. “Six in the morning. Do you think I could get you out of bed that early?”

A spark of warmth ignites Leo’s chest. He loves seeing that glimmer in Jason’s eye. It tells him he’s done something right, something to please Jason, to be what Jason needs.

Leo smiles gently and brushes his hand up to his neck. A shot of electricity sparks Leo’s nerves, electrocuting him from within, but he takes it. He’ll always take it for Jason.

Perhaps that’s his biggest mistake.

Jason responds in kind, trailing his own fingers up Leo’s sleeve and pressing his fingertips lightly against Leo’s. And for a moment, everything is still and quiet between them, no hesitance or fears licking up their thoughts.

But then that smile slips away from Jason’s lips. He turns rigid and stoic underneath the flickering motel light. He’s like an ancient statue, scraped out and battered, as if time has chipped him away piece by piece over the years.

A blow of panic slams into Leo’s chest. What did he do wrong? How can he fix it?

Because that’s what Leo’s all about. Appeasing everyone else. It’s all he’s ever learned to do.

Leo takes a hesitant step forward, his skin tingling with anticipation. He walks further between Jason’s legs, trapping himself in the cages of his lover’s embrace.

No turning around. No escape for him.

He tilts Jason’s head up. His skin gleams like harsh moonlight, cold and empty as it absorbs the painful light above. There’s an uncomfortable warmth to him, as if a fire is licking right underneath his skin. But Leo doesn’t mind. He’s never been a stranger to scorching heat.

Slowly, underneath the dreadful lighting, surrounded by the musty walls and dusty sofas, Leo leans in and traces his lips against Jason’s. He begins slowly, safely, trying to find his way around. Every kiss starts like this - always with Leo looking, examining, observing what Jason wants. And then he’s found it, right there, in the hunger on Jason’s lips - he wants touch, to be held. So Leo obliges. He makes his move, pulling himself firmly into Jason’s grasp and wrapping his arms around the blond’s shoulders, holding him in place, holding him together.

The air around them fades into blankets and bedsheets, and they’re grasping each other in the comfort of their loneliness. Jason’s hands press against Leo’s waist, and Leo’s fingers trace his jawline. They need to map each other out. They need to understand.

And for a moment - a blissful moment, where Leo’s finally passed the next level - they’re fine. There are no threats looming over them. Just the two boys trying to fall in love.

But a sharp hiss yanks itself through Jason’s lips, and just like that, the moment is sucked up, too. Leo blanks for a second and sits up, gazing at his lover curiously. Then he notices it - a bruised hand on his stomach, gripping his cotton T-shirt tightly.

In an instant, a burning swell of shame erupts over Leo’s spine. There you go again, he thinks, always ruining it. He grimaces and leans in instinctively. “The knife wound,” he whispers. “Are you okay? I’m sorry, I totally forgot—”

“No,” hisses Jason, his lip curling back as he tries to speak through his teeth. He sits up slowly and shakes his head. “It’s not your fault. I just need to be more careful.”

A frown pulls on Leo’s face, and he places a hand over Jason’s, hoping to offer him any little comfort he can. “Have you checked on it in a while?”

Jason looks up, his glass-like eyes piercing Leo’s heart. “No,” he says hastily, “but I’m fine. It’s just probably in pain from when I got wounded.”

Leo traces his fingers lower, the tips of his fingernails just barely brushing the fabric of Jason’s T-shirt. But even then Jason flinches, and Leo pulls back immediately, guilt pricking his back. “Sorry,” he murmurs. A pause crackles between them, and then Leo tilts his head and frowns. “Jason, I really think you need to go to one of the medics. It’s been days and you’re still in pain over it.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Jason concedes, but then shakes his head. “We don’t have time here, though. We’ll do it when we get out of here.”

“But is it good to let that thing just… sit there and gather infection? You need proper medical attention.”

Jason tilts his head. “I’m fine, Leo, I promise. It’s nothing terrible. I’ll get through it.”

“Are you sure? We can go find Will, I’m sure—”

“Leo.” And this time irritation sparks in his eyes, like electricity fuzzing around his irises. Leo stops. “I’m fine, I promise. You don’t need to worry so much.”

Out of seemingly nowhere, Leo’s chest flames angrily. He knows Jason’s anger isn’t meant as a competition, but he can’t help but to feel like he’s supposed to compete. If Jason’s angry, then Leo can be angrier.

He stands straighter and crosses his arms across his chest. His eyes dim to obsidian. “Well, sorry, I guess,” Leo mutters, “for caring about you.”

Jason tilts his head back, his own eyes turning gray like clouds obscuring sunlight. His eyebrows twitch against his forehead. “What are you doing, Leo?”

A pang of discomfort strikes Leo’s chest. “What do you mean, what am I doing? Is there something I’m supposed to be doing?”

“No,” Jason says, voice dripping like melting icicles. “I’m asking what you’re doing. Why do you always act like this?”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re trying to… to help me. Why do you always act like you need to take my issues for me?”

An uncomfortable sensation of surprise jumps up Leo’s back, and he stands as rigid as marble stone as he looks at Jason. “I don’t do that,” he whispers.

“Really?” Jason asks accusingly, and he stands up slowly, holding a hand to his core. He winces as he rises, and instinctively Leo reaches out - but Jason pushes him away. “Then why do you insist on helping me all the time? Why do you just… just… I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it.”

Leo scowls. “What, now you’re upset I care about you? What are you getting at?”

“That’s not what I’m upset about,” Jason says, but his voice sounds softer, tired. He closes his eyes and rubs a hand across his face in frustration. “My issue is you make everything about me. It’s like… it’s like you’re not letting me in. It’s like you’re trying to distract me.”

“And what would I be distracting you from, Jason?” Leo asks, but his voice shakes in the air, fragile and weak. A cold, icy sensation overwhelms his chest, some empty void, like he’s being hollowed out. His skin prickles underneath Jason’s calculating gaze. He’s being picked apart, piece by piece, examined under the light.

But Leo’s already chipping away. What right does Jason have to break him more?

“You’re distracting me from yourself,” responds Jason, his eyebrows lowering in a soft glare. His eyes turn as sharp as blades. “From your own ghosts.”

Leo doesn’t respond. He’s afraid any next words will disintegrate him.

Jason chooses to take Leo’s silence as his testimony. He nods as if he’s gotten his answer.

“I don’t get it, Leo,” he says, turning away and moving briskly to the armchair. His fingers grip a navy blue sweatshirt and he throws it over himself. He hisses as he pulls himself through the material. “What is it that you’re so afraid I’ll see?” Jason asks as his head pops back out.

“Nothing,” Leo bites through gritted teeth. “I’m not hiding anything.”

“That’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard from you.”

“Okay, what, do you want me to make something up? Fine, I’m hiding lots of things. Everything. You know nothing about me. Happy now?”

But Jason shakes his head, and a somberness shadows his electric eyes. “I really don’t know anything about you, Leo. You never let me in.”

And there’s something in his voice, something cracked and shattered and longing. A dagger of desperation slices through Leo’s own heart. He hears Jason’s plea, his desire to break in and discover Leo for what he is.

But he can’t get in; the walls are too high, too thick, too guarded. And Leo doesn’t want to break them down.

“Of course I let you in,” Leo says, but his chest echoes with the chilling hollowness of a lie. His fingers twitch at his sides.

Jason scoffs. “No, you don’t.” He stalks closer to Leo, footsteps thundering underneath the carpet of the motel room. Each step feels like an earthquake. If he comes any closer, Leo’s going to crumble to ancient ruins.

But Jason stops just seconds before Leo can topple over. He crosses his arms. “Listen,” he says, “I’m not saying you need to tell me everything. I know there are things you’d rather keep inside. But I can see it eating at you. I can see there’s some kind of anger in you, some pain in there that you won’t let me reach. You’re always pushing it away.” Jason looks away. “It’s like you’re pushing me away, even if you don’t mean to.”

Leo’s breath hitches, tripping over itself as he tries to get his thoughts together. But there’s no getting them together; they’re constantly running, spinning in his mind. A crack erupts across his brain and the empty space in his head overflows with violent static. Silence rings in his ears.

He stares at Jason. His eyes blaze hotly, their dark brown hue turning suddenly cold and hard with rage. The walls have been broken into, and the alarms are ringing high and loud in his head. He’s been forced open, and his emotions are on a jailbreak.

Jason interprets Leo’s quietness as an invitation to go on. Some new sort of confidence has risen in him, allowing him to stand straighter and look Leo in the eyes as he speaks. His blue eyes penetrate Leo’s soul like a stake. “It’s like all you ever do is try to hide yourself,” Jason says. “But you don’t need to, Leo. You know it’s just me, right? You know you can take off your armor and let me throw it aside?”

Jason’s words feel like a vacuum, sucking Leo’s entire essence right from underneath him and hollowing him out. He’s void, deflated, empty of all understanding except for the miserable fact that he still exists. Jason’s tapped too far into him, and now Leo needs to extract every small piece of him out, no matter how much pain it puts him through.

“Fine,” Leo says, his voice teetering dangerously against some dark, empty abyss. “You want to know the truth, Jason?”

He nods in response. Leo wishes he wouldn’t.

“The truth is maybe I just don’t want you to know me,” mutters Leo. “Maybe I just don’t want you to see the mess that I am. Maybe I just don’t want you to see the real me because I hate the real me and I know you’d hate the real me, too, because if I can’t like the real me then how am I supposed to know you like the person I really am?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Jason asks. His head tilts to the side, and the sunset filtering through the window spills gently against his blond hair, washing him with its pink and gold hues.

He looks like the sun. And Leo feels like the shadow he casts.

Leo’s eyebrows knit together in frustration. “Because I’m just… so me. I don’t see what you could possibly like. I don’t see why out of all the people ever you chose me.”

Jason shakes his head, and his eyebrows pull in that way they do when he’s concerned. Leo’s chest flares with anger at the sight of it; he hates being pitied, hates being looked at in that way, hates the way Jason’s so worried for him. He hates whatever it is that Jason’s going to say next.

“You don’t need to feel like that,” Jason whispers, and the utter care and sincerity in his voice makes Leo’s eyes burn with an ancient rage, something so old and compressed that he barely even recognizes it.

“I don’t need to feel like that,” Leo agrees through gritted teeth, “but I do.” His fists clench at his sides, nails digging into his palms, and the pain of it is terrible, so terrible, but he needs to feel it if he wants to stay human. “You don’t know me, Jason. You don’t know anything in my head.”

Maybe Leo’s anger is contagious, because it reflects on Jason’s features, too. His eyes blaze with dangerous electricity.

“Maybe I don’t know anything because you never fucking let me,” Jason growls. “And, honestly, Leo? Do you know how hard it is trying to understand? Do you know how hard it is to try to reach out to you only for you to cut me off? All you do is push people away because you’re so fucking scared of something inside you. When are you going to stop being scared?”

“Why shouldn’t I be scared? I spent years surrounded by people who hated me. How do I know whoever comes in won’t stab me in the back?”

And there it is again, the concern in Jason’s eyes, the worry. “Leo, I would never—”

“No.” Leo’s voice thunders across the room, peels open the walls, cracks the ceiling, rips open the carpet. Even Jason moves back, taken in surprise.

Leo feels like he’s on fire. Tears flame his eyes. “Can you stop doing that? I don’t care if you’d ‘never do that.’ I don’t know that. I’m never going to know that. And you know why else I don’t tell you anything? Because I know you’re going to look all concerned and you’re going to care and I just wish you wouldn’t care so much sometimes. And now you’re going to pity me because ‘Oh, poor traumatized Leo, he’s so helpless, he doesn’t know what it’s like to be loved,’ and I hate when you do that because it makes me feel guilty for even making you feel guilty for me and I hate being fawned over and I just wish you could stop being so… being so caring.”

The anger flickers back to life in Jason, and as much as Leo said he didn’t want Jason to care, he’d much rather prefer pity instead of his rage.

“What?” Jason asks. “So, you just want me to be neglectful? You want me to stop caring, Leo? Is that what you want?”

Leo’s eyes narrow, glinting like blades in sunlight. His mouth curls on itself. “No, that’s not it.”

“Then what is it?” Despite the acidity in Jason’s words, his voice cracks when he speaks, and for a second the anger flickers away from his eyes; in its place flits desperation, longing, confusion. He just wants to understand. He just wants to give Leo what he needs.

But maybe what Leo needs isn’t Jason.

Seeing that crack in Jason breaks Leo. A crevice erupts over his heart, painful and sudden, like lightning striking his chest. He steps closer.

“You just don’t get it,” Leo says, but his voice isn’t contemptuous anymore; it’s merely tired. “I don’t expect you to. I don’t really get it either.”

“What is it that I don’t get? Can you explain it to me?” Jason leans forward, a desperate look pulling on his features. In the cold air, his hand shoots out, electrifying the air like lightning, and he touches Leo’s wrist gently. He pulls himself closer, trying to break through the barriers between him and Leo, and Jason’s eyes stare directly into his, calculating, measuring, trying to understand the depth to Leo’s answer. He just wants to understand.

But Leo doesn’t want him to. He’d rather keep him far away, where he can be safe in his ignorance.

Leo shivers, his skin prickling uncomfortably underneath Jason’s gaze. A frustrated sound claws up his throat, and a sudden sting scrapes against the back of his eyes. Tears slip through his cracks. “I’m so scared of myself,” he whispers, holding a hand to his face. He doesn’t want Jason to face him in such a humiliating state. “I hate being me. I hate knowing that you’re here and I hate hearing that you want to give me everything. Because I don’t deserve your everything, Jason.”

Pain slashes through Jason’s pale eyes, shooting across his irises like an arrow about to stick a painful landing into the ground. His lips part in guilt, and Leo’s breath hitches. Here comes the sympathy, the pity, the awe. Leo’s skin boils hotly in response.

“Why are you saying that?” Jason asks quietly. “You do deserve it.” He takes a step forward, opening his arms to the empty air, and his arms look so sharp and painful and Leo just wants to turn around, to run away, to escape whatever comfort Jason’s going to offer him. Because no amount of love can help him, no matter how much he thinks it will.

“Don’t,” Leo says.

But Jason does. He leans forward, his arms widening in the hope of looking inviting and caring, but he doesn’t look like that, not to Leo. All he looks like is a harsh reminder of all that Leo doesn’t deserve.

So Leo steps away. And Jason lowers his arms.

Up until this point, Leo has always considered the concept of heartbreak to be metaphorical. But watching Jason, he’s never understood it to be so literal.

His body shivers with more tears. Leo runs a hand through his hair and scowls at Jason. “Stop that,” he says. “Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Look at me like that. You’re looking at me like I’m the saddest person in the world.”

“Okay, I won’t look at you like that.” And for a second it works - Jason tries to fold his features to be neutral, stoic, natural. He tries to look normal. But his eyes betray his worry. He’s never been a good actor.

Leo shakes his head and scrubs his face. His skin feels feverish, boiling to the point that he’s afraid he’s going to melt on this very floor.

“I wish you wouldn’t say that,” Leo pleads. “It doesn’t matter how many times you tell me I deserve it, Jason; I’m still going to feel empty. I’m still going to feel like I’m just some worthless piece of paper that you could easily throw away.” He sighs. “Maybe I even like feeling like that. Because knowing you could replace me is easier than accepting that there’s an end to us. And I’m scared of the end of us.”

Jason watches him, his eyebrows furrowed. “I still don’t get it. What is it that you don’t want from me?”

“I don’t even fucking know!” cries Leo in response, and he’s finally at his breaking point. His heart pounds dangerously, teetering at the edge of absolute extinction. One more move and he’s going to fall over. “I don’t know anymore. I just wish I could feel normal every time you tried to tell me how much you care about me, because instead of feeling loved I just feel like it’s all so entirely fake and it hurts so much thinking that because I just have no clue anymore. Every time you tell me you care about me I just genuinely don’t get it. I just don’t want to accept it.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t accept it. I don’t see why you would want to love me in the ways you say you do.” His tears feel like needles against his cheeks. “I just don’t want to believe you love me because I’m going to get my hopes up and I’m just so genuinely terrified that one day you’ll realize I’m not who either of us think I am.” He looks away. “I’m scared you’re going to find the real me.”

“And what’s the real you, Leo? Because I’m certain it’s not as bad as you think it is.”

“The real me?” Leo asks, and he looks up. He finally meets Jason’s pale gaze. And, for a mere second, he feels like laughing. “Even I don’t know that. And that's why I don’t want you to find it. I don’t want you to find me before I find me. I don’t want you to face the monster before I can slay it and hide its body.”

“But if you hide its body, then you still won't have the real you. You’d have killed it off.”

“That’s the point.”

“Then you won’t even have a real you.”

“I think realness is overrated.”

“Then are we just big lies?”

“Some of us are lies until those lies become true.”

Jason narrows his eyes. He crosses his arms and leans back on his heels, tilting his head like a blade hanging off the edge of a counter. With just one accidental shove, he could slice Leo open and spill his guts.

“So what is it you want, Leo? How do I make it so you can see your worth? So you can see what I see?”

Leo shakes his head. “That’s not what I want. That’s the opposite of what I want. I don’t need you to help me understand. I don’t want to make this your problem because it’s not your battle. It’s mine.”

Desperation claws at Jason’s eyes, roaring behind his blue irises. He pulls forward again, trying to reach out to Leo, and this time Leo doesn’t push him away. Jason’s fingers grip his lover’s wrists desperately and he leans forward, pressing his forehead gently against Leo’s. His skin stings against Leo’s, turning him to flames and then to cinders. He’s becoming a shadow, and Jason’s trying to hold onto what he can before he completely dissolves.

“Then what’s the point in all of this?” asks Jason. Pain oozes from his voice. “What’s the point in being together when you can’t see yourself the way I do?”

“I hate that saying,” Leo says. “I’ve never related to that. I can’t imagine anyone seeing me in a way that’s better than I see myself.”

“You don’t believe me,” Jason says, surprised.

“I can’t believe you.”

“Then how do we fix that? Because I want you to see yourself through my eyes. You’re worth more than you credit yourself.”

A sob cracks against Leo’s chest like a whip against his ribcage. “Stop saying that. It makes me feel so unreal every time you do. It makes me feel like I’m coming out of my body.”

“Why does it feel like that?”

“Because it feels like you should be talking to someone that isn’t me.”

Jason moves his hands, letting his fingers swim through the air and whisper against Leo’s chin. He tilts his face closer and Leo opens his eyes. All around him, his vision clouds only with electric blue eyes. Jason sighs. “I just want to make it better for you. What’s the point in us if you can’t experience the things I am? When you can’t feel the realness in us? Because I think we’re beyond real. I think we could be so much more.”

Leo takes a moment to stare at Jason, delve into the pale blue ocean of his eyes and drown in them. His chest constricts on itself and squeezes his heart, pumping angst-ridden blood through his body. His hands move quickly through the silence and press gently against Jason’s forearms, hoping for some kind of proof of his tangibility. For a second, Jason’s real underneath his fingertips, pulsing with life and vitality as he holds Leo.

Then Leo lets go. He snaps their connection, pulling his touch away and stepping back, and now Jason is nothing but a concept to him. No longer solid, no longer evidently real. Just a mass of molecules taking up space in Leo’s peripheral.

“I don’t think the issue is that we’re not real,” Leo says. “I think the issue is me.”

Jason’s lips curl in distaste. “What are you saying?”

“I don’t think it matters how much you try to help. It’s never going to feel good to me. It’s never going to feel real to me unless I do something about it.”

“Then what are you planning to do?”

An ache of tears climbs up Leo’s throat and presses behind his eyes. He takes a tentative step towards Jason again, yearning for his closeness, even though he was the one to step away in the first place. But Jason doesn’t diminish him for it; instead, he opens his arms. He always opens up for Leo.

Leo embraces Jason with stiff, unfamiliar arms. He presses his limbs against Jason’s back and holds Jasons’ chest close to his body. He’s surprised by the pure warmth bleeding from him, the love and admiration seeping from his body, all for Leo. And for a single moment, Leo actually feels like he belongs in Jason’s arms. He feels solid for a moment; he feels loved and deserving and needed.

But that’s a fleeting moment. And within seconds, it goes away, leaving Leo only with the cold dread of his insecurities.

He presses his hands to Jason’s chest and leans his head back, gazing straight into his expansive blue eyes. His heart feels suffocated as he looks at them; Jason’s full of anxiety, trepidation, confusion. He doesn’t know what the future looks like. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting.

He’s never looked so unsure of himself.

Leo closes his eyes, if only to stop himself from succumbing to the guilt of looking at Jason’s. He leans in slowly and kisses Jason, lips oozing with a kind of finality, a taste of sorrow. He savors the way Jason’s mouth feels against his, his familiar taste of tangerines and wind and electricity.

Then he pulls away. Jason stumbles.

Sighing, Leo twists his head to gaze at the carpet. “I thought I’d let you finish this off for us,” Leo whispers. “I thought I’d let you take the reins on this entire relationship because I didn’t know how to be myself, but you did.” He removes his fingers from Jason’s neck, letting the skin there steam in the absence of his touch. “And I was so scared, Jason. I didn’t know how I’d react if you let me go. Sometimes I thought taking us down would be better for me; sometimes I thought it would ruin me.” Leo detaches his arm from around Jason’s waist, leaving his body cold and prickling in the empty air. Jason yearns for his warmth.

“I think in all of this I was selfish and stupid,” ruminates Leo. “I put myself in a relationship fully expecting to be unhappy, and somehow I was surprised when that’s exactly what happened.” His fingers trail down Jason’s arms, leaving a searing trail against his skin. “I was told that love wouldn’t help me when it came to accepting myself, and I took that advice and shitted on it. And I guess, in the end, that was my biggest mistake.”

The blockade of tears builds up, hammering on the barrier between Leo’s eyes and the real world. He tries to hold them off, to keep this war from starting, but ultimately he fails. The first tear escapes, sparking in the harsh light of the evening, and then comes the army of tears, armored with guilt and shame.

“I don’t regret any of this,” Leo says, holding Jason fingertips softly. For a moment he continues staring at the blond, into his blue eyes and his parted lips and his dread-filled features, but eventually that sight becomes too much for him to handle. He’s never seen someone look so shattered. So Leo turns his attention to just Jason’s fingertips. “I don’t regret our long nights or our laughter or our fights. I love you. You can trust me on that.” His chest expands with an unstable breath, like an earthquake shaking his very core. “I just… don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I need. I’m a ghost who’s looking for some purpose in life, and I still haven’t found it.” He brings Jason’s hand against his cheek. Tears trail down his cheeks. “And I feel guilty. I’m sorry for taking your time when I wasn’t even sure what I wanted.”

“Leo,” Jason whispers. His voice sounds like a string pulled too tight, like it’s on its last thread. It’s delicate, fragile, on the edge of breaking. That string wraps itself around Leo’s neck, and he has to close his eyes to fight the pain of it. “What are you doing? What are you saying?”

Leo starts to pull his fingers away. Jason’s wrists snap quickly, trying to grasp them before they let go. But he’s too slow.

The air feels barren and cold where Leo’s fingers used to be.

“I’m saying you deserve someone who knows what they want and someone who won’t depend on you to bring up their sense of self-worth,” whispers Leo. “You need someone who isn’t me.”

“That’s not true,” Jason whispers. “I want you. I haven’t felt like this for anyone else before. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Leo says, though his voice feels emptied out. “But I need to leave. Otherwise I’m just going to go into a deeper spiral of self-degradation and hatred. And what happens when it becomes too much for me? What happens when I crumble so far to the point that you can’t even hold my ashes in your palms anymore?”

“No,” Jason pleads. “Don’t go, not yet.”

Guilt seizes Leo’s eyes. He steps back. The air snaps Jason like a whip, and the weight of the moment settles over him. Leo’s letting go.

“I’m sorry, Jason,” he mutters, treading carefully through the room. He reaches for the door of the room. “I love you. But I’m not sure I can give you what you need. At least, not yet.” He turns his gaze back to Jason, for a fraction of a second, and offers a curt nod. “I’ll see you around.”

Leo’s heart hammers on overtime, pulsing with sorrow over what he’s just done to Jason. He knows he’s broken a heart, and he has no idea if Jason can fix it.

But despite this, there’s something in his own heart that glows warmly, like a flickering fire in a raging blizzard. Some part of him feels good.

He feels in control of himself.

Leo’s footsteps echo in the cold bedroom. The distance between Jason and the door don’t seem so far away; in fact, he didn’t realize the exit was so close. Perhaps he’s just been keeping himself locked because he was afraid of what was on the outside.

His foot connects with the hallway. Jason draws in a breath. Don’t go, he pleads. Stay here.

Leo offers a watery smile. Then he melts into the shadows and whisks himself away.

The moment the door clicks shut, Jason knows he’s lost him for good.

#my writing #valgrace #leo valdez #jason grace #riordanverse #rick riordan #fic rec #fic recs #valgrace fic #valgrace fanfic #jason grace fic #jason grace fanfic #leo valdez fic #leo valdez fanfic #riordanverse fanfic #riordanverse fic #angsty valgrace

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percyinpanties · 4 years

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Camboy!Leo, Valgrace smut?

… I think this ask is a year old. But I figured, I haven’t written anything explicit in so long, I might as well use a prompt like this.

is it any good? idk you tell me. it is however 3.5k and explicit.

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Standing in their kitchen, hand tight around a cup of tea, Jason truly wishes that Octavian had never told him the truth about Leo. Jason can’t remember if he’s ever noticed it before, the soft and downright sinful moans that barely pierce through the walls of their shared flat, but now that he knows, he can’t overhear or ignore them anymore.

He’s known for roughly a week now, and Jason wishes that he was being melodramatic when saying that it has been one of the most torturous weeks of his life. He thought that he’d squashed his attraction to Leo right at the first spark, but he has to admit that even before finding out, he was mostly lying to himself about having gotten over Leo.

Of course, Jason knows that realistically, he has no one but himself to blame. Octavian hasn’t actually told Jason anything - all he did was send Jason a link and gave Jason the choice whether or not he wanted to find out how his flatmate Leo made a living. It was cheeky, sure, but all Jason would have needed to do was tell Octavian off and delete the message. Instead, Jason’s own curiosity was what damned him, and in the end it only took two days before he gave in and opened the link on his laptop.

It had been devastating. The link had directed him straight to Leo’s profile on a distinctly pornographic website, and even on the first page that popped up, hardly anything was left to the viewers imagination - it showed just enough that it left you craving for more, and Jason had almost considered clicking on the already ongoing lifeshow before he flinched from his laptop as if it’d burned him. He doesn’t think that he could forgive himself for violating Leo’s privacy like this - or that Leo could for this matter.

“Get a fucking grip.” Jason mutters to himself and pushed off their kitchen counter. He needs to go sleep anyway, it’s well past midnight and he’s got work in the morning but…

“Please.” Leo whines from the other side of the wall and that is it, Jason can’t stand staying in the kitchen for even a second longer.

He curses quietly as he leaves, closing the door to his own room a little louder than he intended to, praying that Leo hasn’t heard.

Jason doesn’t sleep well that night, and when he does, his dreams are filled with bronze skin and slender limbs and Leo’s pleas for more. When he wakes up in the morning, he’s painfully hard but even the thought of getting himself off makes a pit grow in his stomach.

He can already hear Leo clattering in the kitchen and that in itself makes him dread waking up even more. Jason isn’t sure he can look Leo in the face right now, not when his moans are still playing in Jason’s head on repeat.

In the end though, he needs to get to work, which means he needs to get up and leave his room, which means he’ll have to get past Leo one way or another. He takes as much time as he can getting dressed, which isn’t that much time at all, and slightly more time to try and will his erection down, which doesn’t work as much as he’d hoped.

By the time he opens his door and steps into their kitchen, Leo is sitting on the counter with a cup of coffee in hand and another for Jason next to him on the counter. Leo’s wearing a crop top and sweatpants, and his hair is still tousled from sleep and part of Jason wants to die right there.

“Morning, sunshine.” Leo quips and just pushes the coffee toward Jason when he gets no reply.

Jason leans against the counter next to Leo without looking up at him, sure he’ll say something stupid if he does, and takes the coffee. It takes him three long sips and a good minute of talking himself up in his head before he manages to shoot Leo a smile and a thanks.

“Didn’t sleep well?” Leo asks, innocently enough. If he knows that Jason knows, he certainly doesn’t let it on.

Jason simply shrugs, because what else can he do, really? It’s not like telling Leo that he’s been haunting Jason’s dreams is really an option.

“I didn’t … keep you up, did I?” Leo asks then, and if that isn’t bad enough, he reaches out and rests a hand on Jason’s arm. “I’m sorry if I was loud, I got a bit carried away and…”

Leo blushes and bites his lip. An increasingly large part of Jason just wants to die right here, at least then he won’t have to face Leo any longer.

“Don’t worry, you’re fine.” Jason says and manages a poor excuse for a smile. “Just…dreams.” He says, and hopes Leo won’t question it too much.

Jason turns away and sets his now empty cup of coffee down. “Anyway, I gotta go. I’ll see you tonight.”

Work is a drag, because Jason can’t seem to focus on anything but what Leo said to him this morning. He thinks Jason knows, that is really the only explanation as to why Leo would apologize for the noise, isn’t it? But Jason knowing and Jason wanting are still two entirely different things, and just because Leo is potentially fine with the former, doesn’t mean he’ll be as open about the latter.

Instead of staying late like he usually does, Jason leaves work an hour early. He’s got more than enough overtime piled up for no one to care, and it isn’t like he’s gotten anything done today anyway. Maybe he should talk to Leo, because at this rate things are only gonna get worse until Jason inevitably does something incredibly stupid - like open the damned link again or pounce his poor unexpecting flatmate.

He hasn’t been home this early in weeks, Jason realises when he unlocks their door and toes off his shoes. Maybe that is because usually, there isn’t all that much going on outside of work to give him a reason to leave early - although his little crisis shouldn’t be reason to slack off in the first place.

Leo clearly doesn’t expect Jason home yet either, because when he opens the door to their kitchen and drops his bag on the floor, he’s greeted with a high pitched yelp from Leo. Jason looks up to find himself faced with entirely too much skin on display - Leo’s wearing something Jason can only describe as lingerie, he’s flushed pink from his cheeks all the way down his chest and for the second that Jason allows his gaze to travel lower, he sees that Leo is hard in his pants.

“Jesus Christ.” Jason breathes more than he says the words and forces his eyes right back up to Leo’s face. Leo looks absolutely horrified, and Jason can’t blame him for it, but he also can’t bring himself to move, to leave, to give Leo some privacy or a chance to cover himself up.

“Why are you home?” Leo shrieks finally and Jason finally snaps out of his daze and raises his hands to cover his eyes, as if that’s gonna change that he’s seen…well…everything. “Christ, Jason, I - “

Leo doesn’t finish, and Jason doesn’t know what to say, so they just stand there for a few seconds in silence until Leo huffs and grabs Jason’s wrists to pull them away from Jason’s face. It forces Jason to look at Leo again, and if the image of the other boy hadn’t been burned into his mind already, it surely was now.

“I’m sorry.” He manages, and even to himself his voice sounds shaky. “Leo, you look…” Jason can’t finish his sentence, he doesn’t have the words to describe exactly what Leo’s get up is doing to him right now. It’s worse up close, when he can feel Leo’s body heat radiating and his own resolve slipping.

“If you don’t let me go right now,” Jason says quietly, a last-ditch attempt at saving them both from what might go down if Jason stays even a minute longer. “I’m going to do something incredibly stupid.”

It takes a moment for the words to click for Leo apparently, because where at first he just looks confused, his eyes suddenly widen. He doesn’t let Jason go though, instead his grip tightens minimally on Jason’s wrists.

“And if I want that?” Leo asks, and he almost sounds shy.

Jason shakes his head, because surely Leo can’t mean that. Leo however, doesn’t let that deter him. He lets go of Jason’s wrists, but only to wrap his arms around Jason’s neck instead. He’s so close to Jason like this, it drives him crazy.

“I mean… I’ve imagined you walking in on me while I’m filming before…” Leo says now, his voice a little lower now, his tone becoming sultry. “If I’d known it’d actually work…”

Jason feels like he can’t breathe. Maybe he’s dreaming, fallen asleep on his desk at work after doing one too many hours overtime. There isn’t a scenario in which Leo has been wanting him the entire time as well, there can’t be.

Jason settles his hand on Leo’s hips, more skin than fabric under his palms, and pulls him closer. It feels too real to be a dream, but even so…

“Are you gonna kiss me?” Leo asks, and while his tone is still as flirty as before, Jason thinks there is a waver of uncertainty in there now as well. If this really is happening, Jason won’t be able to live with himself if he leaves Leo thinking that Jason doesn’t want him.

Slowly, as if he’s afraid that Leo might change his mind if he moves too fast, Jason leans in. He brushes his lips against Leo’s so gently that it can hardly even be counted as a kiss, but even that small contact is enough to make Leo moan. Something in Jason snaps at that, his hands tighten on Leo’s waist and he pulls him impossibly closer, pressing their lips together properly now.

Something shifts in the mood with that, Leo’s kissing back eagerly, desperately almost, pulling Jason closer even though their flush already. He licks into Jason’s mouth, deepening the kiss feverishly and it’s messy and uncoordinated, but it feels so good that Jason cannot bring himself to care about their lack of finesse.

He breaks their kiss for only a second to wrap his arms around Leo’s thighs and lift him off the floor, turn them around and place Leo on the counter. It draws another moan out of Leo, as if the mere act of Jason handling him like this is enough to get him going even more. Leo’s legs are wrapped tight around Jason’s waist, but even if he could, Jason wouldn’t think about backing away right now. His hands are running over every inch of Leo’s skin that is exposed by his scathy clothing - now that he is allowed to touch, he certainly won’t stop until Leo tells him to.

He moves his lips from Leo’s mouth to his jaw, pressing open-mouthed wet kisses along the bone up to Leo’s ear. He nips at the skin there and Leo whines, presses closer against Jason, and this is so much better than whatever Jason’s mind’s been conjuring in his dreams. He trails the kisses down Leo’s neck, to the dip of his shoulder, sucks at the skin there until it’s red and puffy and, with any luck, marked in the morning.

“Jason…” Leo whines, louder this time, and shifts so his erection is pressed up right against Jason’s own. He’s still in his good dress pants that are starting to feel far too tight for comfort. “Fuck… don’t be a tease. Please, Jason.”

Jason can only groan in response, he doesn’t think he’d be able to form words even if he tried. He wants Leo, wants him so much that he doesn’t even know where to start, what to do with himself and what to do with Leo right in his arms, at his mercy. What Jason does know is that he wants Leo to feel good, that he wants more of the needy, breathless moans spilling over Leo’s lips right now.

Jason runs his hand down Leo’s chest between them, pushes Leo back just enough that he can fit his hand over Leo’s cock through the fabric. Leo’s eyes flutter shut with a moan, his head drops back against the cabinets and he’s pushing back against Jason’s touch. The noise alone goes straight to Jason’s own arousal. He’s moving slowly, just enough pressure for Leo to feel, to push the fabric against Leo’s arousal and work him up even more. He wants to see Leo fall apart, wants that lovely flush to spread all over Leo’s skin and kiss every inch that it covers.

“Fuck, Leo…” Jason whispers. “You’re beautiful. No wonder so many people love to watch you.”

He’s not sure where the thought comes from, but the words make Leo shiver and rock back against Jason’s hand. Apparently, Leo likes being watched just as much as others enjoy watching him. Jason grins, pushing harder now. The fabric of Leo’s panties is tight and lacy, damp where the tip of Leo’s cock is trapped just below the waistband. Jason thumbs over that spot, circles the head of Leo’s arousal through the fabric and delights in the way it makes Leo whine again.

“I bet they’d love to see you now.” He continues, watching Leo closely to confirm that this train of thought is doing as much for Leo as Jason thinks it will. He’s rewarded by Leo’s cheeks turning pink all over again, by Leo’s eyes opening slowly to meet Jason’s gaze. The look is intense, needy and good lord - it is no surprise to Jason that people are so willing to pay to see this side of Leo on their screens at night.

Jason can’t help himself, he leans in to kiss Leo again. Leo moans appreciatively against Jason’s lips, runs his hands over Jason’s still clothed shoulders. Jason’s in his work clothes still, while Leo is hardly dressed at all - but Leo seems to enjoy this imbalance quite a lot. His fingers are running down the front of Jason’s shirt now, over the buttons and seams without making any attempt to get Jason out of his clothes as well. It makes goosebumps rise on Jason’s skin wherever Leo’s touch has trailed - even through the fabric.

“What do you want?” Jason whispers when they break apart, resting his forehead against Leo’s without opening his eyes. As much as he’s enjoying this slow tease, seeing Leo come apart under his touch little by little, Jason wants more, craves more.

“So many things.” Leo whispers back and Jason can hear the smile in his words. Their lips brush again, tentatively now, and Jason leans back to look at Leo. He’s a mess already, kiss-swollen lips, pink cheeks, mussed hair and pupils wide as saucers - Jason can hardly believe it’s all for him, and him alone, at least right now.

This time, their kisses are slower, not tentative but gentler in all but the missing hesitation. Leo’s hands wind into Jason’s hair, his legs pulling their bodies flush together again. He’s humming and moaning, but rather than desperate the sounds are pleased now. Jason wraps his own hands back around Leo’s waist, and he might complain about Jason being a tease all he wants but right now, all he wants is to get lost in their kisses, this sweet back and forth that feels like they’ve always done this, like they’re just two lovers finding their way back to each other.

It stays like this for endless minutes, until Leo breaks the kiss and whispers “Take me to bed, Jason.”

He doesn’t have to be told twice. It’s easy to pick Leo up like this, although less easy when Leo keeps pressing distracting little kisses all along Jason’s exposed neck. He pushes the door to his room open with his back, thankful that he cleaned only a few days ago, and gently drops Leo onto the mattress. The sight of Leo on his bed, scantily clad and already wrecked from kissing, makes Jason grow hot under his collar. He follows without hesitation, pushing Leo into the soft covers as their lips connect again. It’s so much easier to move together now, to roll his hips against Leo’s and chase what little friction the movement offers.

Leo moans in his mouth, the sound lost between their kisses, and Jason sends a quiet prayer of thanks to whichever gods might be listening that he can have this, if only for right now.

When Jason pulls away from Leo this time, it is to continue his kisses lower. He’s been wanting to get his mouth on Leo’s skin the second he’s walked into the kitchen earlier, and now that it is actually an option, Jason sees no reason to hold back. He traces Leo’s collarbones, runs a line down his chest and scrapes his teeth over Leo’s nipples, only barely covered by sheer lace. He holds Leo’s trembling thighs as he moves lower, plants wet kisses along the planes of Leo’s stomach and playfully bites at one of Leo’s hip bones. There’s no protest from Leo this time, no calling Jason a tease or begging for more. Leo just writhes under Jason’s touch, breathing shaky and moaning quietly, leaning into whatever Jason has to give.

By the time that Jason’s settled himself between Leo’s legs, leaving open-mouthed kisses high on Leo’s inner thighs where he seems to be especially sensitive, Leo is cursing and trembling, repeating Jason’s name like a plea for more. As much as Jason’s enjoying this, loving the way Leo loses himself in it, he didn’t take Leo to his bed to tease him. It takes some fumbling - Jason doesn’t quite get the contraption of lingerie Leo’s wearing - but Leo breathes a sigh of relief the second Jason manages to get the last bit of clothing off of his skin.

“Leo…” Jason says quietly, finding himself at a loss for words. Leo looks beautiful like this, completely bared before him. Jason runs a hand up Leo’s thigh, then bends low to press a quick kiss to Leo’s lips. “Is… is this alright?” He asks, needing to make sure before he forgets himself in the heat of the moment.

“Fuck yeah.” Leo half laughs. “I’ve been thinking about your hands on my skin for months, Jason, I’m not about to change my mind now that they’re actually there.”

The confession surprises Jason, although after Leo’s earlier comments, maybe it shouldn’t. If Leo is sure he wants this, Jason is the last person who’ll refuse to give it to him.

“Good.” Jason whispers, and steals a last kiss before he moves lower again. “I wanna make you feel so good, Leo.”

Jason starts slow, mostly because he knows how pent up Leo must be after all the teasing before. He kisses the base of Leo’s cock, slow and languid, licks his own palm to run a few gentle slow strokes over its length. He follows it with his tongue, hears Leo suck in a harsh breath, and laps over the head of Leo’s cock. It’s only when he hears Leo’s quiet pleas for more that he wraps his lips around the tip, relaxes his throat and sinks down. A string of curses follow from Leo’s lips, but Jason pays them little mind - he’s focused on making Leo feel good, on slowly taking him apart and putting him back together.

He bops his head, sucks at the tip, strokes what he doesn’t reach with a spit-slick hand. He doesn’t rush it, and he doesn’t need to - Leo’s worked up enough that it doesn’t last either way. Leo threads his hands into Jason’s hair, not urging him faster but simply holding on. His legs have wrapped back around Jason’s shoulders, anything to angle himself closer, to chase the feeling of Jason’s lips around him.

“Oh fuck, Jason…” Leo moans and tugs at Jason’s hair the same moment that he bucks his hips. He’s breathless, his voice needy. “Don’t you dare stop.”

Jason only hums around Leo’s arousal, takes him deeper, ever so slightly increases his pace, the pressure of his tongue against the underside of Leo’s cock. More curses follow, then pleas, a warning that Jason almost doesn’t hear in between Leo’s needy moans.

When Leo cums in his mouth, Jason swallows it down without much thought, licking over the tip a last time before pleasure turns to oversensitivity.

“Holy shit.” Leo whispers and Jason presses a kiss to Leo’s hipbone, untangles Leo’s legs from his shoulders and gently pushes him further to the middle of the bed to settle down next to him, and press another kiss to Leo’s shoulder.

“I enjoyed this.” Jason mumbles sheepishly. It only hits him now that he’s still fully dressed, and in his work clothes of all things, while Leo is lying next to him, completely naked - maybe he got a little carried away.

Leo laughs, turns onto his side to face Jason. “I certainly did.” He says with a grin, trailing fingers down the front of Jason’s shirt. “And as much as I enjoy you in your fancy work clothes, I’m going to need you to take them off. Now.”

#valgrace #jason grace #Leo Valdez #pjo #my stuff #my fic #idk dudes i forgot the tag i use for my writing #my writing

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