#I think it’s superficial bs tbh

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

Has Meghan ever been invited to the Met Gala that you know of?

I have a feeling that she and Harry can’t actually afford a ticket - plus she is very greedy and cheap, so even if they hypothetically had the money I just can’t see her willingly parting with such a large amount. What I can envision though, is her mercilessly pestering the absolute hell out of Anna Wintour since she is completely shameless and has zero manners or class - and always expects someone else to pick up the tab for her sponging arse. I would be completely mortified if I had a reputation of being a known cheapskate and grifter like her.

But, back to my original point: knowing how petty and childish she is, it must infuriate Meg immensely that people who also dress like crap *cough* *cough* Serena - and also Mindy Kaling or any of her other so-called ‘friends’ get invited while she is repeatedly shunned year after year. One thing about Meghan is that she absolutely lives for this kind of superficial and glib BS and I would think she is very offended that she’s persona non grata in such elitist circles. TBH, I would only want her to be invited exactly once because of the potential gossip that would come out about her, otherwise she’s undeserving. I’m sure she would give nothing and wear boring beige like nearly everyone did last night. Initially I was excited for the theme, but most of the outfits were quite underwhelming and fell flat, unfortunately!

Meghan has an open invitation to attend as long as she attends with Kate, and only Kate. This is straight from the mouth of Anna Wintour.

Allegedly Meghan was invited as Edward Enniful's guest in either 2018 or 2019. We talked about it here a few months ago but I can't find that post. C'mon, Tumblr! Get your act together.

But to recap: The national editors of Vogue get tickets to the Met Gala as a perk for working at Vogue. Enniful got some tickets and allegedly, he planned to take Meghan as his +1. Ultimately it didn't happen and the speculation why includes Meghan pissing off Anna in her usual entitled way so Anna struck her from the guest list, Enniful gave Meghan the UK Vogue cover as a consolation prize, and Meghan having Archie on May 6th in an attempt to steal headlines from Anna and the gala as revenge.

I also covered in that now-missing post how one attends the Met Gala. You can:

Be the +1 of someone who gets invited (e.g., Andy Cohen, who is usually Sarah Jessica Parker's guest).

Work for the sponsors, including Vogue, or be the +1 of someone who works for the sponsors.

Work for the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Be a huge donor to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and/or the Fashion/Costume Insitute (e.g. Sarah Jessica Parker, I believe).

Be besties with or have a contract with the designers that attend the Met Gala (e.g., Meg Ryan and Michael Kors). In this case, the designer will dress you and you'll sit at their table.

Buy your own ticket. An individual ticket is $75,000. A table starts at $350,000.

Be an "it celeb" of the moment.

Meghan and Harry definitely don't have the money for a ticket to the Met Gala. Meghan also doesn't have the fashion contacts or the reputation in the fashion industry to be dressed by a designer. She could probably have been dressed by Carolina Herrera back in the day, when she was wearing her. I don't think she had a chance to be dressed by Dior to attend the Met Gala, not when people like Jennifer Lawrence, Anya Taylor-Joy, Rihanna, etc. have Dior contracts.

My personal theory is that as much as Meghan wants to go to the Met Gala and be in the room with all those celebs, she doesn't *really* want to actually be there. I think she's terrified to be around that kind of powerful, respected, talented people because she knows they know she's not one of them and they'll ignore her, making her the one to go up to everyone when she wants everyone to be coming up to her. I said this around Oscars time when we were talking about whether she'd go or not and again, I can't find the freaking post!.

But it is very telling, isn't it? Like you've pointed out, everyone in Meghan's circle these days - Mindy Kaling, Serena Williams, Kris Jenner, Tracee Ellis Ross, etc. - is going to the Met Gala. Everyone but her, that is. I wonder why...

[silver-wield]

hmm in the premise that SE is definitely set out to be killing a non existent ship in the trilogy (preferably in part 2 already), I just don't understand how anyone can think the story would go astray from it's array of chekhov's guns. Tbh, when I first watched AC, as a kid, in my mind I just assumed tifa was his gf and z and a were like his comrades who died. The part where he called him "mother" did help tons for me to think of it this way. It was only after 15 years? That I discovered there was even a debate? So I spoiled myself and by the principles of storytelling, FF7 seems to have the trope of quite literally any amnesia tropy kdrama plot I've ever seen that also exist in jp media. Aka, anything that happened during his amnesia phase does not count after finding out who he is, because he was most party manipulated to not remember things by the narrative and its character. Mind you, this is just me spoiling myself for a small context of a game i haven't played yet and only have superficial understanding of the characters. Also, the part in lifestream really sells it lol, he gets himself back? Because he was false before? It's so weird why this is even confusing.

So, I had a conversation with my bro about this and he's a debater, I told everything about the "LTD" and it's a long talk but he says, it's a non-debate. Since cloti is sourced explicitly in the game and sources, answering cloud's feelings as the main question.. the ltd asks "what does he feel for a?" But the thing is, it can also be asked "what does he feel for z?" Easily can be romantic IF we base thier "logic" of ca on zack + cloud. Canon wise both are stated as friends to him. But romantic? For both, it LITERALLY doesn't exist. It's not as to make it vague per say, but that the writers, story, and characters have no idea that it's even needed to be answered. Aka it is by default platonic. Not vague, it's platonic as stated by canon sources as it's the only one that exists. The LTD is a cult like idea that continued to persist in the fandom of FF7. But never in the mind of it's creator. This is their mistake. They find this as an activity of the fandom, but reality is, it undermines their work greatly. Destroying all the characters, and story they've made and for what? Cheap pity fan service? That's lazy. This isn't a charm of the game, but a mistake of its delivery. I mean as evident as how many pitied tifa in AC. Essentially it's like 1+1=2 (canon) but someone says it's 3. In short it's BS, but a lot are biting on "maybe it is 3" and ignoring all the proof for the sake of negating. Hence a non-debate because canon has already won and will always win.

Now, I saw a zerith point out how they're so happy they're even getting anything. Tbh I found this strange, a good story would utilize the successful built up if zack and they are thank god. But why do I see this as a random person? And they don't? I feel there's trauma in this fandom, and I hate that for all of you and a story that has intense potential. Which leads me to a "funny" thought. It seems for so long, cas have been going on about their way to misinform everyone, thus encouraging incels, dudebros, bandwagoners alike. This does not seem to sit well with devs, I sure hope so. I feel like the fact that they've been this toxic, is the reason why SE is extra mean to them and is even planning to finally give them an answer to the "what does c feel for a?" After all these time? A question that was never important to begin with because it's already platonic by default but copers want more. It is because of this desire, most likely "he doesn't feel romantically inclinde, even if you as a player did, he does not, never will, never did" would be the answer. SE could have let them have their merry way, but they've been pos. So they made the compilation, imperfect, but there's Zack, now Zerith is coming around and with closure, Cloti is being emphasized. They added stuff for cloti and more important, reduced what was "theirs". Had cloud's mocap actor emphasize cloti and downplay ca. We even had a trailer quite literally exposing to the whole world how disgusting the idea of ca is, and if you liked it? Lol get help , your morals are astray. There's so much much more, and for some reason if this is successful, if SE actually gives a shit for art and not cheap money? Then lmao, cas made all of this happen just because they can't stop fcking things up. The existence of a problem, that needs to be fixed. Because of that, ZA will be pushed on their faces, and they will definitely not like CT more with all the sexual built up in part 1. I'm obviously joking to " thank them", of course, the devs who lost their patience are to be thanked as they've been inspired to take responsibility for their shortcomings as well. But yeah, if everyone understood OG on the get go? And AC didn't get much shit? Nobody pitied tifa? doubt we would be even getting this much content for cloti, maybe cloud, and quite especially tifa.

It's a strange journey, but I hope I'm right about them having integrity. I sure hope so. I hope they don't leave room for pity, I hope they are ruthless with it. I don't think I ship anyone but I am a sucker for a masterpiece, and I very much want this to be one.

None of the devs have ever thought about that ship, and even when asked point blank Nojima was all "idk" and had to come up with something on the spot but even that was negative because he stated Aerith cares more about the planet than she would Cloud

Which is obvious from how she has zero respect for him

[kaoarika]

Been thinking and playing around with some headcanons about the dwd boys physical body builts and I’m not sure if I can further elaborate on the reasons on why I am headcanoning them as such.

Maybe I can, but it’s because I kinda want to draw these interpretations sometime in the future?

Basically: I’m back with my “I get it, they are supposed to be tall, slender and bishonen marketable like-idols, but, also...” bs.

And, of course I start with my favorite blond demon, since this whole headcanon space thing wouldn’t have been possible... if it wasn’t for HIM ->

Mage - Actually a little more in the beefy side. Tall, but beefy, you know? I cannot really explain in words, but the guy is more or less a tank, physical force and all. And it would make sense considering what he normally wears (sleveless shirts, tank tops), and why his uniform jacket just doesn’t fit him.

We are also told that, while human food isn’t particularly “tastefully edible” for demons, we see he does enjoy (?) eating a whole roasted chicken, so, I MEAN, nutrients and calories for muscle building and energy, might be correct, right?

I have been struggling with what I think about the few official art in the past few years where sometimes anyone draws him more slenderish than he was supposed to be and I’m,,, confused, lol (weird built angles, I guess). I do know a particular (one of my faves, actually) fanartist DOES draw him with abs and with muscles (and I WOO those pics a LOT)... but I would personally like him more beefy... do you get my drift? (blame a certain werewolf that I cannot stop picturing Mage being a little beefy)

Rem - Slightly chubby, but average at best?. Not exactly slender, but also not certainly too chubby. I dunno how to explain it at full, like...  for one, I feel like it would fit him? It would show some air of wealthness and the negative connotations about pleasing his father in regards to his duties as the Arlond/Kaginuki’s “heir”.

He has a nice face, and he dresses nicely (the lesser about the shoulderpads, the better), so I don’t think anyone would notice much he isn’t 100% slender or fit-fit. But, I think this might be product of stress and anxiety (plus loneliness) after oh-so-many years of abuse and negligence where he doesn’t seem to think much about himself, but the ones around him. And I think, his older/present appearance might serve as a mirror to his and Urie’s complex friendship relationship, especially in regards to Urie... which, by the way...

Urie - Fit, “hot” and attractive to the average normal human masses. Certainly the same as per usual in official appearance. He likes to show off because he is an incubus, a seductive demon, after all (that bathsuit sprite still makes me laugh to this day, lmao). He is supposed to look what the average human might go for “attractive” and “hot”. 

In some way or form, I imagine this is also a very superficial way to outdo Rem in their “complex friendship” through an inferior complex of sorts (or whatever the hell they tried to explain his jealousy towards Rem, especially his home abuse situation which Urie was or may have been aware all the time, according to the game canon, iirc?), because, sometimes... jealousy is a b*tch and if there is ONE way to outdo your best friend, it might be this? It’s QUITE stupid, I know... but... I MEAN...

Shiki - Slender, petit. Much close to his actual official body built appearance, he is another one I don’t have much issues with, tbh. I dunno why, it just simply fits with his aesthetic as a whole. As a fallen angel and all that, he is certainly considered “beautiful” by his peers and the academy given his previous holy status. He has this “angelical beauty” aura, that no one else know how to explain it, that is certainly tricky once you get to know him.

Roen - Might be inclining into average at best (not slender, but also not chubby), but chubby is not that bad, either? Okay, here is the thing... I think it’s a little funny to think (for me) that he might get well-fed in his pomeranian form (and living within the Arlond/Kaginuki’s household might be a plus), and this might get reflected on his human appearance. I think it would fit him with a certain “cuteness” factor? (although he is also a little mischievous in his human form, and I think he might be embarrassed at times to be on his human form, because being a dog might have its advantages?)  If there’s a guy from these demons that should be chubby at best, just for that, it should be Roen, lol.

Lindo - Fit, athletic (again, not soooo different from his official appearance). HOWEVER, he might get a little beefy (not as much as Mage) if his vampire side gets switched on. Lindo gets trained by the exorcists, and he is pursued to achieve what the priests and other exorcists of that organization tell him to so he can “suppress” his vampiric side, in some kind of balanced diet and exercise way. However, I think this may be a little consequential if his vampiric powers are activated, one way or another.

I’m not going to lie, when I first watched the anime, I was a tiny disappointed that the only change we see of his vampire side is... purely aesthetical: red eyes, a longer hair strand and longer nails (and fangs), lol. I mean, go off, I guess. I wanted it to be more... physical, lol.

I incline to believe that, maybe this is the best it could be given his constant training...? but I also believe the training might put his human body in a more stressful state when his vampire side wakes up. So, maybe he gets a little more “muscley” in a transformation kind-of way? Instead of simply the purely visual changes? (Who knows, maybe just as the demons supposedly have their alternate forms, the vampires also have a more “beast” like form? food for thought 👀...).

---

To be fair, these are just fun ideas I have on my head, and I kinda want to explore them while drawing. That doesn’t mean I would simply stop drawing them in their official/vanilla appearances, since I cannot easily divorce from their official designs that MUCH... especially after all these years... but I guess I want more male body diversity in them? lol.

[alyjojo]

Twin Flame 🔥 Journey - May 2023 - Taurus

Your Energy:

The Moon - 5 Wands - 6 Pentacles

Regarding: 4 Cups

Just with the initial cards out it can be said that this person has left for other options, or a particular person, they’re the runner. This may have happened awhile ago, underneath this 3 Swords clarifying 4 Cups is a lot of energy that suggests you’ve healed from this and time has gone by already. You don’t speak, and I don’t get much indication that you will, this person probably did you pretty dirty. You certainly won’t be making the first move to reconcile, and if they did, you wouldn’t know whether to fight them or try to be nice to them. 4 Cups is your whole energy towards them, apathy, discontent, an energy of…fk them, you don’t care anymore.

They probably had options while you were together, something you had not known at the time. You’re the one that knows this is your Twin, the runner *usually* is spiritually unaware of most things tbh, they only know they aren’t ready for something so intense & can’t stay…until much later. When you’re over it. That’s how this works, it’s painful, and like so many Twins, your self respect comes into play with this person. If they even did come back around (which they may), part of you would want to defend your honor. This person hurt you, and you’ll be having none of that “let’s pretend it didn’t happen” bs. You question whether you should give them another chance, or at least give them the opportunity to prove themselves as worthy of your time. In some cases, you’re the one with another person, you’re the one that hurt them, and you don’t intend to reconcile with your Twin 🔥 because you’re committed to what you have with who you’re with. Plus…awkward. Twin connections are not logical, they wake you up spiritually and force you down the right path. The outcome is beautiful, but not always together.

With your messages and oracle, you could be this King of Pentacles, which is Taurus energy. Superficial comes out with Pitch, that’s not to hurt your feelings. Do you love who you’re with? The Queen would’ve come out reversed if you had questionable intentions, and it didn’t, but it’s like you are kinda oblivious to the emotions at all. You’re worried about work, money, status, your home, family, and probably your reputation. The bigger picture. Practical is practical, and this connection is not it. Either this describes you or what you think of your Twin, take it however it resonates for you.

Their Energy:

King of Swords - 3 Swords - Page of Pentacles

Regarding: The Lovers

There’s two stories here, one where they left the last interaction (energy swap) and one you did, either one fits. If they left, they’re defending their happiness now, they’re deeply committed to their other person. Or if you’ve left, they’re defensive that you’re happy with this other person, or that there was even another person existing. The Lovers has come up on both sides, I think enough time has gone by to where you both are aware of this spiritual contract you have, because it’s so intense. You’re out of sight but not mind, they are alwaysss in your energy, and you’re in theirs. They are heartbroken that you left, or they did, there are regrets or sadness in this person. They may have already apologized, and that’s what has you in 4 Cups…like bs, they’re not sorry. They may have acted ridiculous, domineering, controlling, abusing their power, something like that when you got with someone else initially. Or you did. There have been apologies for that, or they want to and maybe don’t know how if you have a whole other life going on. King of Swords shows they’re someone that’s intelligent and emotionally distant, and so far I see no cups anywhere in this reading. No emotion. They’re all in the mind, you’re all career, home, finances, neither of you are about the cups. If anything, they could want to try to be friends, that could be the 4 Cups in you, because either you want to smack them upside the head or…maybe hear them out…or you refuse to even decide because you’re worried they’ll cause problems with your current connection, if there is one. This Twin is a decent person, and they’re honest, their oracles & messages point towards a very old fashioned sort of romantic, and artistic.

Outcome for May:

8 Cups - 7 Cups - 10 Wands

Regarding: The Tower

This isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, if ever. Whoever is the one waiting around on the other person is going to realize this isn’t happening, they’re not coming. It’s not a forever no, The Hanged Man is paused, not dead, but not for the foreseeable future and definitely not in May. So the person waiting is going to do what they’re supposed to do. Move on. Leave this behind, maybe go on a date or two with other people, 7 Cups could be several and 9 Pentacles clarifying is showing someone enjoying their singlehood. Playing the field. They’re getting over the obsession, intensity, and toxicity of this Twin Flame connection so that they can find what they love, want, what makes them happy inside. Twins have to separate and grow separately or you’ll only hinder each other. 10 Wands shows this being a heavy burden, but one that can end once it’s accepted as inevitable, and with Justice & Wheel of Fortune, the wheel is always turning, life is always changing, you both are exactly where you’re supposed to be. The other person has to do the same thing now, and when they do, the resisting Twin will feel the pull in energy as a call to change…and start wondering about the other Twin, you’ll sometimes hear from each other out of the blue during big life shifts, they can sense you, you can sense them, and you probably haven’t seen the last of them.

Karmic Cards:

Saturn - Capricorn - 8th House

- Be realistic about your goals as a life or death issue.

- Be concerned about the day-to-day reality of getting and using power.

- You must wait before you can use the most businesslike way and use other people’s resources.

Oracles:

You: Pitch

Be as clear, concise, and professional as you can when you explain your ideas to potential associates.

Them: Enchantment

We are enchanted when the Muses sing the Art Spirit into us.

Messages:

You:

- Questionable past/morals

- Superficial 🥸

- Pet Lover 🐁

Them:

- I need more than you can give.

- You mean the world to me! 🌍

- Old Time Romance 🌹

Possible Signs:

Taurus, Capricorn & Scorpio all very strong Sagittarius, Gemini, Libra, Aries & Pisces also

Charms:

Coin 🪙 on 6 Pentacles adds another element to this whole story, so does Saturn Capricorn. You could have Capricorn placements, or they do, there is some twisted connection with money between you and 8th House shows jointly own things. Whoever is angry with the ending could be triggered & defensive over money the most, again I don’t see cups between you. Genuine love. It’s there, with The Lovers, it’s a soul contract that can’t be denied, but I feel like I’m talking to two earth signs here. Someone is more controlled/controlling. If you have a lot of money, you’ve made your Twin feel “less than” because of this, and I say you because your side is the one that has the coin, King of Pentacles, and they’re heartbroken by this with 3 Swords. It may not be another person in between you, but someone’s career. But it could be switched too. You come up as “the professional”, they come up as more artistic and creative. With this, their card of “I need more than you can give” is probably more about emotion…not money.

Dead Tree 💀 on 3 Swords is done, whoever is done is wholeheartedly done. At least at the time that this happens, probably in the past, however this ended initially was very painful and was made very clear. Which makes it harder for any reconciling like Twins tend to do, even if it’s chatting/reconnecting in a platonic way. A lot of them do not ever reconcile because of how painful it all was, probably most tbh. This could be one of them. Not in May 💯

Butterfly 🦋 on The Tower shows a huge transformation in the chaser, whichever of you. They wait, they pause, they wait, they pause, and then they CHANGE EVERYTHING OVERNIGHT. Or that’s how it seems, no one can see inward transformations through all the waiting & pausing. It’s a beautiful thing, what’s most authentic to them.

Star of Fame 🌟 on The Devil rev is connected to 9 Pentacles, they/you will be doing very well for yourselves. Whoever is the one hurt by money, they’re going to do something that receives a lot of attention, and money. It’s definitely karmic, and whoever is the person that held money over the other one is probably going to get a front row seat, because Spirit likes to ensure someone’s karma is hand delivered like that. This dynamic is what is being learned for the “not runner”, this IS the karma. Has to be earth signs here. I don’t get someone emotional, there isn’t love here or any flood of emotions or desire, which is normal but no. It’s control, logic, and money, or that’s how worth is described to one of you. There is a very condescending air about this connection and financial abuse may have played a role, or just a lack in self-worth or confidence being instilled in that way, but the other person will come out on top, it will be successful & noticed in that way, and then the lessons will be learned on both sides as Justice & Wheel of Fortune shows they will. Karma 🙏 You two definitely value opposite things, but as one gets the money - their way, the other may get some of that Muse energy & inspiration - their way. Even apart, the energy is exchanged between you to balance you as Twins 🔥

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

jimin will be just fine i think, the same people who would have bought his album will as far as the already bts fans go...it's what they are going to do about engaging new people that has me worried. I love jimin I do, I think he is cute in any form he comes in, but that mullet bang hair cut will do him NO favors in the usa. people wonder why radios/new fans/ the public in general don't care for bts....it's because butter, dna, ptd are not songs that are going to be popular nor do any of them deserve a grammy. I would not have been a fan if i had not come around in 2016 and found them. those songs man, the world they created...i wish they could have performed songs in the usa on radio charts now what they did from 2016 to 2017. the world missed out if they aren't willing to look pass the superficial packaging we got with these newer songs that were the only ones to really grace the radios globally.

I also believe that being on the cute side won't really catch much people's attention if we're talking about the US. There can totally be a generally objective conversation about it, and acknowledging facts does in no way mean anything about Jimin. The US music industry is very much sex oriented, most things that blow up (that aren't Taylor Swift) are very sexual. And even Taylor had a really long phase of her career where people talked about her dating life more than they talked about her music. The amount of female rappers like Cardi or Megan that have driven the music industry for the past years... it all has a reason. It's either sex or drama. Even with kpop or when it comes to BTS members themselves, people do flock more eagerly towards something/someone sexy. So, yeah I agree that mullet and bangs and a cute sweet attitude don't really go a long way when it comes to "first impressions" outside of Korea. This doesn't mean anything particular about Jimin himself as an artist or person, it just talks about what people are more easily attracted to. If I think about Jimin's brighest moments, those that "will go down in history" (as far as people's memories go) it's always been colored hair or a sophisticated hairstyle, and really just quite different from mullet and bangs. It's not even about the hairstyle itself tbh because JK rocks it a very different way. I think it might actually be one of JK's best haircuts yet. But on Jimin it really does make him look so much younger ahahsjhfsjd

That, as a general commentary. None of that opinion actually speaks about the music or his performances. That hasn't happened yet, and I'm sure everyone will be discussing that in due time. Maybe he won't have black hair or a mullet and bangs for when he gets to post-release schedules. I don't know. I personally hope he won't, especially if he'll do promo in the US. As someone brought up in a different ask, his hair was blonde for some time in December.

On the other hand, I think here's where what you said comes into play "the world missed out if they aren't willing to look pass the superficial packaging we got with these newer songs that were the only ones to really grace the radios globally." So, like even if Jimin does promo with a vest and bangs, maybe someone will look pass the superficial packaging and check out his music. I think also that it's just brilliant that he already has a reputation of being an amazing performer and having great music, because just as first impressions are important, reputation also has a lot of weight when people decide to check out a new song or not. If you've liked someone's work once, you will come back for more and that is a universal truth, no matter how differente we all are, we're all the same in that matter.

DNA... that's mother, I'm sorry. I still feel a rush of dopamine when I hear the whistle at the beginning. I wholeheartedly agree about PTD and butter, to my own personal taste; but I'm fairly sure that BS&T for example wouldn't have blown up because it wasn't an english song. It's fair to acknowledge that they got so much more "out there" in the USA after dynamite and butter, even if the songs aren't of the greatest quality. It was huge for BTS career. And that's one example of how talking about certain facts doesn't change other things. It was their greatest moment in terms of success and achievements, but personally they were all struggling and really just feeling done with the group.

[mingmingfufu]

Can we just talk about the ending of KawoShin open discuss. *sort of spoilerish*

I feel like I’m the only one who’s like reallly disappointed LMFAO--ya’ll there’s so much “canon” alternative universe and merchandise for Kawoshin in Evangelion that it kind of makes me upset to realise this couple just went down the drain. Yeah, I can see how people were like, “Kaworu’s toxic” or “Kaworu has a hero complex for Shinji” to which I say are valid points. But the toxic thing I feel like can also be applied to pretty much everyone around Shinji tbh, except for Rei. I did NOT, like Asuka at all but I really love her character though, and I felt for her a lot throughout the series.

I did not ship them either because honestly, Shinji and Asuka seemed better off playing the sibling dynamic instead of trying to play bf/gf which honestly is kind of forced by their living situation. Also since they’re in a similar disposition non existent father and dead mother, you’d imagine they would rely on each other for emotional comfort. Though Asuka—her personality I feel like she can’t differentiate between familial love and romantic love and the affection she wants is a bit of both. But, her character tries to be “mature”; she wants romantic love more and does this through sexual means and romantic gestures e.g. like kissing. One of my friends told me that you can’t stay friends as a boy and a girl cause eventually you catch feelings. Which I say is kinda dumb cause I have a lot of male friends, and I definitely don’t harbour those feelings, but I guess it’s a common phenomena.

I think this is what happens in this case, of Asuka and Shinji. Even after rejection of instrumentality they actually are depicted as childhood friends. But knowing how they both were before to each other, it was not good tbh. Also to mention the choking like thrice— bro if anything, this showcases a really abusive relationship and I think this outstretches the idea of their character tropes. Which I firmly stand by saying they’re superficial to each other. AsuShin were never really there for each other and are using each other in a forced situation. However, you can’t deny that they didn’t at some point catch feels, also Shinji is pretty consistent how he still cares about everyone around him. Which I really like how they add that to his character because it reminiscent of Yui, because you see a duality of both his parents personality in Shinji throughout the series—it’s a really nice touch. But bruh, if we gonna talk about that coma scene—I’m out LOL.

Thoughhhh, she is a true definition of best girl I really like her arc, fighting drive, and her skills as an Eva pilot 😭💗--but bruh she’s still a toxic and sometimes annoying tsundere trope, but still she’s 14 what can you do. So I feel like Kensuke and Asuka are actually a pretty good combo, cause he’s always been pretty mature even without parents. Also Asuka was into older guys, so I guess this is a win win?? Also Rei and Shinji, I honestly cannot get my head around it cause that’s pretty much his mom—so in a way that’s like either his half-sister or mom-ish clone?? Idk but Yui is definitely the donor LOL.

Kaworu and Shinji I felt like brought a bunch of things out of each other. I don’t know which timeline begins first, but I’d like to think the manga, the anime (plus its movies), and then to the rebuild series. Because I think that order is kind of pivotal to observing Kaworu’s character development from being a person who’s trying to understand human feelings to then the kinder person we see in the final series. You can tell how he’s changed and he knows Shinji a lot more as well as being considerate to him e.g. giving him personal space or letting him work at his own pace. Also that “we’ll meet again.” Is an obvious nod to how he’s done this before.

His literal story in every timeline is always romantic LOL, like bruh I can’t remember which game it was but basically a bad ending of Kawoshin route is that you reject Kaworu and he starts the third impact 🤡. Also I don’t know why but I started to see a weird dynamic between those two, in the manga their interactions reminded me of Asuka and Shinji—which Shinji is the tsundere Asuka here. I don’t know if this is relevant but the older character relative to the character they’re with seems to play off a mature vs a childish person trope. Asuka is younger than Shinji and Shinji is actually younger than Kaworu. Then again I could be overseeing this but istg manga Kaworu and Shinji mirror the whole Asushin dynamic. Like he’s seriously agressive against Kaworu, then after killing him he admits liking him. 🤡 I don’t know which is funnier no homo Shinji, homophobe shinji, or just closet Shinji who needs to realise sexuality is a spectrum so he could’ve idk—come out as bisexual, but whatever manga Shinji lol that timeline is over.

Anyways the development of these two is real and I think the rebuild timeline shows them at their best bringing their own personage out from each other like how they both enjoy music together--WHICH I’M SO SAD WE NEVER GET TO SEE THAT CELLO AGAIN. Then there’s those feelings of humanity, love, kindness, etc. Which yeah an angel could represent those things, but Kaworu is still his own person, self-aware of a cycle and if you think about how he initially was there to USE Shinji, but ultimately turned on that plan set by SEELE because he loved Shinji (and a bunch of other things like him showing Kaworu humanity). I also can see the argument, how “ideal” Kaworu is to Shinji, but he’s more self aware of the time he has before he KNOWS he’ll die and knows how to act for himself in that duration to make the most of it. All with Shinji. At some point, I think he fell in love with Shinji tho I don’t know where it began tbh—considering that all those alternate universes do exist. Kaworu does romantically love Shinji--so, in some universe they both reciprocate their feelings to each other. 

In the last movie during that convo with Shinji. Like bREH it’s so emotionally moving because Kaworu remembers ALLLLL the timelines and how he’s been with Shinji and later Shinji himself recalls the events too. Where they show the scene from the manga and anime. Kaworu cries after being set free from the EVA cycle. Which, I definitely understood what he meant by him saying “it’ll be lonely” and how Shinji changed or that he’s actually different this time.

Either way, Shinji did right by him because it’s always Kaworu who has the purpose of “trying to save Shinji” but it always ends up the same. I thought that was really moving because Shinji tells Kaworu he’s gonna let him live a life for himself for once and he wants the same for everyone as well. Which was honestly so meaningful cause I think Kaworu’s character and like Rei too when they start to realise how to “live” like a person and not another puppet it’s truly liberating. Another thing I forgot, bruh Kaworu calls Gendo his father and ngl I feel like this is kind of a weird lore situation because I for sure don’t think he’s the donor. I think he calls him that as an insult because he knows Gendo’s whole doing and relative to Shinji—I kind of see it as a joke LOL. Like it’s equivalent to saying, “daddy chill”, or “hey look it’s daddy and his plans to end the world” also I kind of like to think of it as a father in law thing cause you know, Kawoshin *winks amirite*

The ending, I’m honestly hoping is just an open ending because it gives everything an actual start of their adult lives not being dictated by extraterrestrial forces. Though, I’m kind of wondering if the world doesn’t have EVAs does that still mean everyone else still has the same backstory, and do they remember? Maybe Mari really is just a coworker lmfao, and there’s still a chance for Kaworu and Shinji cause ngl, they did have a convo (presumably from the spoilers) about still remaining close afterwards and that stare at the ending seems very hopeful.

I call bs from Anno saying, “oh Shinji is based off him and Mari off of his wife”, like honestly any OCs made theres always some part of yourself made into that character. Which is probably why a lot of people relate to the characters in EVA because they’re based off real things (e.g. those war machines characters are named after and people around them). I think why Kaworu and Rei are together at the end, is bc they’re very much the same. They’re mass produced dolls—which oddly enough that’s the case for all the children except they don’t recall the loop. Kind of funny also how both Kaworu and Rei became farmers lmfao so ig it runs in the family (yes that’s right I like the idea that they’re siblings it was always noted that they’re like “the same”).

Another thing, i think why the rebuild really did well for Kawoshin and in my opinion canonised it—the convo with elder Ryoji Kaji (Misato’s baby daddy) that there was a time he felt incredibly lonely and depressed thinking Misato didn’t love him and so he started looking out for himself. So self love and found himself a hobby in farming which he suggests to Kaworu—basically saying he might feel like Shinji doesn’t love him but he’s gotta remember to take care of himself. if I go thru a breakup ill feel like it’s the end of the world but Kaji says y’a gotta self love broe and take care yo self gad dam fam 😭 💗.

Though, that look at the end from Shinji to Kaworu—I’d like to believe there is still hope that one day when they’re a bit stable in their adult lives, they’ll run into each other.

[defyinggod]

no but seriously if someone doesn’t even take the time to check in with you they don’t give a fuck about you. yes people are busy but that’s completely different than just straight up not giving enough of a fuck to take 2 seconds out of their entire day to send you a text. i’m tired of all the bs about being a shitty texter or being ‘too busy’ or whatever. if someone doesn’t talk to you for months on end, they don’t really care about you tbh. like if i love someone how could i waste months not even trying to reach out to them once? i need to know the people i love are ok. if someone doesn’t have that same feeling toward me, if they don’t care enough about my well-being to reach out, then that’s a relationship i don’t want and a relationship that is quite honestly shallow. you’re telling me you can truly love someone and not speak to them for several months? not think about asking them about how they are or how their day is or just to see if they’re alive? i’m sorry but at that point your love is superficial. we look for the people we love and we find them in everything and everyone and everywhere we go. we find them without even searching for them sometimes. no matter how busy you are, if you’re not even thinking about them, wondering about them, that’s not love. we make time for the things and people we love. anyone who says otherwise is obfuscating the truth.

[drowsydregon]

For notes, How is Misako a bad mom? (I'm not defending her, I'm just curious)

let’s just turn this into a misako callout post bc. honestly i have a lot to say on how misako treated her family as a Whole and i feel like if i bottle all of this up i’ll die ((and tbh i think i’m actually more mad abt how she treated garm than how she treated lloyd, contrary to where most ppl develop their hatred for her))

this gets long so uh yea rant under the cut

// TW - SUICIDE MENT.

> let’s be real she rly just had a crush on wu, but strummed garm’s heart along anyway. she literally regrets marrying garmadon and genuinely never loved him. so why did she turn her gaze from the Absolute Love Of Her Life to this other dude?? bc of a letter ofc. this rly gives off the impression that misako is superficial, or has no clue what she wants. or both. either way she has a childish outlook on love ://

> oh yea and remember that time nya couldn’t decide between the dude she had been in love w/ for two seasons and the dude she only recently became infatuated w/ bc a computer decided she might’ve been cuter w/ him??? even though misako heavily regrets marrying garm bc she Rly actually loved wu ((supposedly)), she doesn’t try to help nya make the right decision so she doesn’t share the same regret. despite knowing the situation fully. trust me it’s not like misako didn’t know nya and jay were already dating. so we had to put up with that stupid jay/nya/cole bs expanding literal seasons. everybody say ‘thanks for nothing’

> garmadon was literally holding back the venom in his veins for her and she never even acknowledged how hard he was trying for her sake

> when garm got banished, did she go to comfort wu? did she raise lloyd in spite of how he came to be? did she try to at the very least leave lloyd in a healthy environment to grow up in?? uhh no she abandoned both of them when they needed her most. and not only did she abandon her son, she left him in a place that was designed to twist his heart. despite knowing lloyd was destined to be a purehearted hero.

> let’s think abt that for a second. she put one of ninjago’s most prospective heroes. literally someone who was supposed to grow up to be one of the most powerful fighters in existence. and tried to turn him evil. this is in spite of knowing garmadon never wanted lloyd to go down his path.

> and even if trying to make lloyd evil wasn’t her intention, she put a naturally kind and loving person in an environment where kindness and love would be seen as a weakness. how she didn’t think there’d be some targeting and bullying going on is a mystery to me

> even after lloyd started to become a powerful ninja, did she ever visit him?? or seek him out in any way?? uhhhh no. she literally waited for lloyd to Spontaneously go visit her at work so she could try to explain herself.

> and then she just. pretended she never did Anything wrong ever. and nobody batted an eye except lloyd. and then she spent a whole episode tryna be kind of nice so lloyd would stop being angry at her When He Has A Legit Reason To Straight Up Hold A Grudge And Tell Her Off

> did i mention she cheated on her husband?? bc she cheated on her husband. multiple times. w/ his brother. in front of their son. who was rly uncomfy the whole time.

> and then when garm’s venom got yeeted out of his body, she once again pretended nothing was wrong. that she WASN’T cheating on him. and she inserted herself back into his life. without being upfront about anything she’d been doing with wu. 

> even when she came back into her son’s life, she was still somehow absent at the same time. it’s like being absent is her only personality trait.

> also apparently misako knew abt morro???? and she didn’t do anything to help morro either???????? God is there a single person she might actually. yknow help???

> also that time SHE LITERALLY ENCOURAGED WU TO DO A DOUBLE SUICIDE WITH HER???? IN SPITE OF THE NINJA APPARENTLY NEEDING ALL OF HER SUPER IMPORTANT RESEARCH AND KNOWLEDGE AND SHIT????????? WHAT THE FUCK. WHY WAS SHE SO READY TO ABANDON THE NINJA AND TAKE THEIR MASTER WITH HER????????? AND JUST LEAVE LLOYD W/O HIS UNCLE AND MOTHER???? WHEN HE STILL HAD TO FACE HIS FATHER???????? WHAT. and this was literally the episode after she tried to come back into lloyd’s life. this bitch is literally stupid AND deadly.

> all-in-all misako is generally useless and superficial and ungrateful, and nasty >:///

[realbodyrevolution]

Practical Guide for Body Acceptance

By Real Body Revolution

I hear this question a lot – “How do I begin to accept my body?” or “Where do I start?” If you’re asking this question, you may already intellectually understand body acceptance and even support it (particularly for other people), but how do you apply it to your own life? How do you take theory and put it into practice? Here’s what worked for me and I sincerely hope it will help you. Remember, the journey will be different for each traveller, but maybe this will get you going in the right direction!  

1.     Learn! Understanding the social context and history of beauty standards was very empowering for me. It helped me realize that this isn’t a “me” issue. I am not alone in this and the self-loathing I’ve been feeling was generated externally and had been nurtured since early childhood. I also discovered that all this “thin = health” stuff is BS, along with dieting and weight loss in general. The messaging we keep receiving from this War on Obesity is not in line with the science and is actually more like a faith-based religion that irrationally hates fat. Here’s a list of books that were pivotal in my journey: Body Acceptance Arsenal. Check your library if funds are tight!

2.     Update your internal beauty standard. This is the idea of beauty you hold in your mind, shaped by decades of external influence and formed by seeing the same unrealistic, unattainable versions of beauty over and over again, until you believe that it’s the only way to be beautiful. It’s not.   To update your internal beauty standard, you can use my Tumblr or any others that regularly post images of diverse bodies.  I created my Tumblr to serve as a library of images that do not conform to traditional beauty standards with the purpose of nurturing body acceptance and updating the viewer's internal beauty standards to include a diverse range of bodies. This is a counter measure to the millions of messages we are exposed to daily so please, check in often to maintain a more inclusive view of beauty for yourself and others.

Also, curate your social media feed by unsubscribing from accounts that promote traditional beauty standards. You’ve seen enough of this to last a life time and will continue to be exposed to it on the daily just from magazine covers at grocery store checkouts to billboards when you’re walking to work so, no need to see it on your feed. Subscribe instead to accounts that promote body acceptance or diverse imagery. Here are some suggestions of people to follow (it’s not an exhaustive list at all, just something to get you started): https://www.verywellmind.com/body-positive-influencers-4165953 I also recommend: Christy Harrison, Fat Girl Flow, Margie Plus, Dexter Mayfield, Yulianna Yussef, Baddie Winkle, Ruby Roxx and Advanced Style.

3.     Create a support system of like-minded individuals. You can do this by sharing what you’re learning by those around you, but not everyone in your life will be receptive to this (sadly). So I would suggest joining some online support groups, like on Facebook. Make sure the groups are diet-free zones and for every body.

4.     Start healing your relationship with food and ditch diet culture for good. If you do the readings I suggested, you will learn the truth about dieting. Knowing the truth isn’t enough though, you have to actively break-up with diet culture. Throw out your scale and if you can’t stomach doing that yet, get someone to hide it for you. Out of sight, out of mind. I would also strongly suggest exploring and practicing Intuitive Eating. There are a lot of great resources out there for this, but my favorites are The F*ck It Diet book and Julie Duffy Dillon’s podcast “Love, Food”.

5.     Rebuild your self-worth. Being beautiful is not rent you owe the world for existing and your appearance and weight do not define your worth.  What I’ve found super helpful is developing an inner nurturing voice to counter my inner critic. I wrote a separate post on how to do this here: Silencing Your Inner Critic and Developing a Nurturing Voice to Replace It.

6.     Practice self-compassion. Touch yourself lovingly, especially the parts of your body you’re disconnected from or feel the most animosity towards. Stroke these parts softly and say loving things to them while you do it. For me, it was my tummy. I started referring to it as my marshmallow and thanking it for turning food into energy and keeping me alive.  Treat yourself the way you would treat a loved one or a child and stop punishing yourself! For example, don’t wear or hang on to clothes that are too tight for your current body and remind you constantly that you’ve gained weight. Self-care can mean doing a closet purge. Get rid of your “skinny jeans” because they are a daily subconcious message that you’re “hoping to get into them again some day”. Go through everything, try it on. If it doesn’t fit, it comes out of the closet. You can either purge these items or tuck them away in a storage bin. Replenish your wardrobe with items that fit (the size doesn’t matter, only the fit) and that make you feel confident. If you’re on a budget, you can do this process one item at a time, as you can afford it.

7.     Let go of the dream of future weight loss. This part was the hardest for me and I went through a grieving process when I had to finally let go of some future skinny version of me. One thing I did is write down all the things that I imagined being thinner would get me in life and then address each of those things individually. For example, one thing I identified was that I had this fantasy of wearing a bikini on the beach with confidence. Turns out, I can wear a bikini on the beach at any size if I have internal confidence. Also.. what beaches am I even dreaming about? Tbh, I don’t even like the beach and have no strong desire to go to one regardless of what size I’m in – I don’t do well with heat, sand, water in my face or sharks. A lot of the fantasies I had in my head about being thin had never been challenged before and did not hold up to scrutiny so were surprisingly easy to demolish.

8.     Face your internalized fat phobia. It can be a really uncomfortable process, but you need to face your deepest, darkest, hidden feelings about fatness. For me, body acceptance was okay for everyone else, just not for me. I still (secretly) wished I was thinner. I still (secretly) felt like my fat body wasn’t worthy as it was. Similar to the process above, I wrote out everything I was telling myself about what fat means for me. One thing that came out of it was the fear of not being attractive to others. Here’s the thing I now know with certainty - I don’t want to be chosen by others for what I look like. I flat out do not respect people who body shame or dismiss people based on appearance. And I recognize appearance changes with age, so anyone choosing me based on my appearance is only choosing how I look in that moment – it’s a temporary, superficial choice. So why would I invest my time and energy into someone like that? The one thing I can count on in life is that my body will change over time and with age, so I will not commit for less than unconditional love. Also, quality over quantity! If you are conventionally beautiful, you may have more people chasing after you.. but what kind of people are they? And how exhausting and frustrating would be it be to have to sort through all these superficial, shallow people who only like you for what you look like? In my humble opinion, it’s not a benefit, it’s a time waster. I now look at being fat as a super power when it comes to relationships of any kind – my fatness will expose someone’s fat phobia, shallowness or body shaming tendencies lightning fast and I don’t have to waste any more time with them.  

9.     Stop comparing yourself to others! Comparison is the thief of joy and another person’s beauty is not the absence of your own. A useful metaphor is to think about flowers. There is a huge range of diversity among flowers. All different shapes, colors, sizes and formations. All beautiful in their own way. And people all have different tastes when it comes to flowers - some prefer calla lilies, others prefer the black bat flower. Remember: “A rose can never be a sunflower and a sunflower can never be a rose… all flowers are beautiful in their own way and that’s like women too” – Miranda Kerr. Take this a step further and actively lift other people up on a daily basis. This can be people you know or complete strangers. If you see someone walk by with a killer outfit, tell them you love it. If your friend is considering dieting, tell them they are worthy exactly as they are – no diet necessary.  This can help move you beyond jealous feelings caused by comparison and help you develop an appreciation for others instead of competition.  

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Keep in mind that this journey is tough and requires effort. You’ve been bound in self-loathing for decades and it all has to be undone, one knot at a time. It’ll feel daunting and will be full of ups and downs. While you are healing your relationship with your body and food, you will probably be triggered often. Whenever this happened to me, I would use the trigger as a tool to show me what I still needed to work on because part of why it bothered me was because I believed it was true (otherwise, I would have dismissed it as rudeness or ignorance on someone else’s part). To move beyond feeling triggered or discouraged, do something to remind you of your goal of body acceptance and your worth (listen to a podcast, view some diverse images, reach out to your online support group, re-read one of the books in the list, etc).

You can do this. <3 

[oysterbarfugitive]

heeyy! (:

I’ve been on here for a while already and i haven’t said anything about myself or introduced myself at all for the whole 5 people that somehow decided to follow me. If you couldn’t already tell from the fact that I’ve been on here for months and I still haven’t said anything of my own, I am a huge procrastinator, like I’m literally the worst. Times, schedules, due dates, deadlines I am actually horrible with. I am quite literally the biggest procrastinator you will ever meet, I got other things to do ya know? 

There are many things that seem to almost be wired into my brain to  the point that I can't help but do them. One of them being that unfortunately I care wayy too much about other people’s opinions of me. I hate when people don’t give me a chance before making up their mind on who they think i am, and I’ve accepted that thats one of my many flaws. I struggle a lot in that way because I end up screwing myself over by wasting my own energy on things I can't control. I am very selective of who I trust and open up to, but sometimes I get scared of my own vulnerability which makes me overthink everything considering I am so emotional. I think deeply and feel even more so. I'm extremely empathic so I feel everything, a lot. I’m a very intuitive person and read people very well, I normally find out other people’s intentions way before they would like me to, so whenever you need advice, that makes me a pretty good person to talk to. 

I love to listen to other people’s thoughts, emotions and problems. I want to hear your mind and feel your heart. I love art, in whatever medium it’s displayed in, I love it. I also think thats part on the reason I love this site so much. I enjoy writing, drawing, singing, photography but I really don’t know if I’m any good in any of that tbh, so I don’t really share that with anyone. I'm passionate about a million different things and I'll probably find a million more to fall in love with in this lifetime honestly. I only do it for myself anyways, if it makes me happy, I don’t have to have anyone else’s approval.... Right? 

On a side note, I reaaalllyyyy dislike school. I just don’t like it, it kills all the fun in learning and knowledge not to even mention the stupid social statuses or superficial bs people have in school. I love learning but it's forced down our throats instead of letting us have curiosity and find joy in it. Ofc I love seeing my friends and all, but people are so fake sometimes and I hate it. On the academic side, I still like to get good grades even though I may act like I don’t care. Probably because I can’t stand to disappoint my parents, like at all. I just want to make to make them proud most of the time but I also do it for myself i guess. I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs which isn’t just because I don’t want to disappoint my parents, but more so to do with me not finding the appeal/not wanting to or just me thinking that it’s just plain stupid to do at my age. I hate knowing that so many people my age do it regularly like it’s normal, to the point where I’ve obviously considered it. Its gets to me especially when my friends or people I love do it, but i can’t change them or make choices for them, so I don’t want to judge them either even if I know it’s still a stupid fucking choice. There are probably a million different versions of me that i could've told you about, but i guess those are more of the definitive things that I can’t really change (or things that I don’t think are gonna change anytime soon). So after all the previous word vomit and inner stuff, my name is Gaby and I'm 14. I also live in Joburg. Anyways idek if anyone is gonna read this or if i typed this all for nothing. Anyways, peace.

[jupiteronic]

sag anon* EXACTLY! & it infuriates me the fact that we're pushed to like give people a chance when they're making us feel uncomfy. I had this guy in my uni course, (thankfully we only share a few modules together bcs he only does politics whilst I have IR+Politics, so I don't see him 24/7) who only interacted with me very superficially (eg: asking about hobbies, movies, etc. the typical convo an introvert loathes) & within only/barely 1 month of the max 2-4 convos we had he was already trying 1/

trying to ask me out to movies or even inviting me to his place(!) & the first few instances I swerved it, once he came up with that 'going to his place' one my alarms immediately went off & I was like ' yeah, nope. Fck off.' & nowadays I just avoid him bcs even though, like I said, I feel like I'mc raving affection & my kinder side is like 'huh, but what if they rlly just want to chill & watch movies??' I'm sorta like ' i barely know him, & he's barely my type either,s o nope.' (2/2)

Like, I don't believe in that 'love at first sight' bs tbh. Each to their own but for me, I'd need to know the person a bit better than just 1 month or 2 before I even consider dating them. I'd rather have us become friends first and then if circumstances as well as our personalities being mature enough for it, consider dating. not to mention that that guy I just mentioned actually sucked at food choices, & my taurus ASC isn't asking for 5-star restaurants but a decent, affordable one.

sfsfsfd that’s why i usually arrange the restaurant choices myself I’m such a picky eater but I know that worst case scenario my choices are good enough for me at least. plus choosing the place usually helps me figure out how comfortable the person is with me initiating/taking the lead which is pretty important personally not because I’m v controlling with this kinda stuff but bc I can’t stand people who want it their way 24/7. that would probably scare me off too I turn into such a nun around new people!!! other people have their own place? interesting. news to me. no i will not be coming over.

I’m glad u didn’t do it tho, if you need to look for a reason to do something you’re uncomfortable with esp with other people then u probably shouldn’t do it lol and anyone who tries to guilt trip you into giving ‘chances’ is a big red flag to me. I don’t believe in love at first sight either I don’t think many people do tbh. would you say all your relationships have been serious (if you had any)?

[astorxa]

Merlin’s beard, what is ( ASTORIA GREENGRASS ) doing out at this hour? For a ( PUREBLOOD ) who is ( 16 ) years old, ( SHE ) really ought to know better. You know, I hear that they’re aligned with ( THE NEUTRALS ), but that could be just a rumor. I do know that they’re ( QUESTIONING ) and a ( SLYTHERIN ) student though. They’re very ( + DIPLOMATIC ) and ( + INTELLIGENT ) but also quite ( - ALOOF ) and ( - OVERTHINKING ), which could be why they remind of ( USING DISTRACTIONS TO PASS THE TIME, SWEEPING YOUR HAND ACROSS A RACK OF EXPENSIVE DRESSES, THE YEARNING FOR MORE, A KNOWLEDGE UNQUENCHED ). Some people say they’re the spitting image of ( SYDNEY PARK ), but I’ve never heard of them. 

CHARACTER INSPO: Astrid Leong ( Crazy Rich Asians ), Leila Keating ( All American ), Nancy Wheeler ( Stranger Things ), Laurel Castillo ( HTGAWM ), Peyton Charles ( iZombie ), Celeste Wright ( Big Little Lies ).

EXTRAS: pinterest 

ABOUT:

It was a particularly cold day in October, upon a house on a hill in Kent, Astoria Greengrass was born quietly, in the late evening. Even then, she came out of the womb easily without much fuss, the labor was short, she cried once and then not at all. Even from a young age, she displayed the traits of a perfect daughter -- quiet, non questioning ( outwardly ), intelligent, stoic, curious but not too curious ( yet ), poised, obedient. Halloween was just around the corner and the Greengrass’ showed off their new daughter at their annual O’Hallows Eve event, only a little over a week old, she was the apple of their eye. It was like she came into the world to be perfect, seemingly serene, lovely, good. The Greengrass’ while frustrated they couldn’t have any sons, settled for daughters who would make the family name a shining example in the Wizarding World and would make good matches when the time came, they just had to be groomed to get there. It didn’t take much grooming for Astoria to play the part, to become the part, to excel at it like she was born to do so -- much to their pleasure.

She was also kind, inquisitive, sneaky, knowing the more she obeyed the less they’d watch her. At a young age, even though she was younger than many of the pureblood children she hung out with, she was the maternal, caring, quiet, warm presence many of them lacked. A quiet warmth among them, trying to give them the love that none of them got by simply being there, being by their side. If you needed something, go to Astoria. If you wanted something done or needed someone to back you up and legitimize your hijinks, go to Astoria. The only time she deigned to stand up against the adults was in defense of her fellow purebloods, as she felt a camaraderie as well as a responsibility for them she couldn’t really explain. Perhaps, it was the fact that they all had similar upbringings, that they were all practically indoctrinated into a society after the First War that was dying. The Greengrass’s were a dying breed and she easily took on the role of diplomat, of perfect dutiful daughter. She didn’t know anything else even though she longed to.

By the time Astoria was 11, she knew society well. Praised in Witch Weekly as ‘One to Watch’, she made subtle waves within society, going back to her mother’s home in Singapore frequently to further integrate with Pureblood society internationally. The name Astoria Greengrass was known in Pureblood circles and by the time she sixteen, she was fairly popular within them. A perfect socialite, a perfect daughter, a perfect diplomat, she’d been groomed since birth and fit into the role perfectly.

EXCEPT. She wondered. In between the traveling, her parents started to be less lenient with her due to her just being the daughter they didn’t need to worry about ( not that they were the most attentive parents in the first place )  -- she slipped in between the cracks and saw a world that was more than what she was given. The hate they raised her with she realized was fear, which was then countered by her need to know, her curiosity that was once unthreatening, propelled her into muggle cities, into muggle books, muggle music. Of course, she never talked about it, with anyone. But she knew. In her mind, there was so much more than what she had and the longing for it started. A life long love affair with knowledge, never quenched but always thirsty, was born.

That’s when the distractions, the hobbies of sketching, drawing, baking, cooking, reading, became needs. Her mind reeled, her mind saw so much more and realized how her family was on the wrong side of history. Sure, she could enjoy the perks of living, she could enjoy her name & her reputation, the money, the privilege she had of being pureblood, but the morality of it all started to weigh on her heavily. The older she got, the more she read about the dead during the First War. The people her family had helped slaughtered ( at least, they were neutral/DE leaning -- by proxy their blood was on her hands ). The people her Ministry parents had let slide, the people who came in and out of their home who were objectively bad people. She baked, though she wasn’t the best. She painted, she sketched, she made clothing designs of ornate dresses, some of which were brought to fruition and many of which were actually worn by Astoria. Witch Weekly asked her when her clothing line was coming out and Astoria became motivated to actually make one. Not due to desire, but due to the guilt of her life weighing down on her more and more -- instead of doing something about it, standing up to her family, Merlin forbid betraying them, she fell deeper down the rabbit hole of her life. They wanted a clothing line of evening gowns? Astoria would deliver. Brands wanted her to wear their clothing? She did and made them her own. Astoria got better and better at living a life that she felt horrible living because what other option did she have?

Astoria was a true hatstall between Slytherin and Ravenclaw.  He saw she was a wonderer, someone who had an unsatisfied need to learn about everything, that she would soar if she was to be an eagle. The hat kept trying to convince her that Ravenclaw was where she belonged, after all she read books, practically soaked up knowledge like a dry sponge & valued it extremely — but being away from her family? Away from the big sister she loved with all her heart and soul, the people she grew up with? Astoria was a Greengrass, but more importantly she held her value of family above anything else. After a few minutes, the hat saw this, it realized that maybe she did belong in Slytherin after all and let her go. Green robes adorned her, and she joined the House of Snakes with a superficial smile. Because underneath all of that, she was nervous, that maybe she had made a mistake. This was something that she often wondered but was able to push it away for years, happy that she was with the people she loved.

The Hat wasn’t wrong in the end, Astoria Greengrass belonged in Slytherin even if she was a Ravenclaw. She didn’t just belong there because of her last name or her company, but because of cowardice born from self-preservation and the deep need to be loyal to her family, to be by her sister’s side, though not prominent in all Slytherin wizards, was in her veins. Doing the right thing seemed much worse than betrayal, saying something against what she was taught was practically betrayal, so she kept her mouth glued shut. Astoria seemingly turned a blind eye to the budding war around her ( even though that was very much not the case, which was worse ), following her sister dutifully as a Greengrass as a socialite, even if she would’ve rather been home reading many of the books she had collected ( even if some where muggle and not allowed, she hid them under her bed & floorboards ). At 16 almost 17 years old, she’s more conflicted but down the rabbit hole than ever -- a small line of designer gowns under her belt, Witch Weekly’s endless love & praise being named Witch Weekly’s Jr. Socialite Of The Year -- something that weighs heavy on her. Her parents are pleased but Astoria is finding it harder and harder to adorn herself with beautiful clothing and look in the mirror like she isn’t as guilty as the Death Eaters by simply standing idly by. "The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis. " Astoria thinks about this quote. Often.

Underneath the grace and demure demeanor is not someone you want to piss off. With a sharp tongue and a sharper mind, Astoria could easily tear someone down, pick someone apart, so observant and very wry, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t need to and realized at a young age that she would gain more with being adored & loved than being feared -- but it doesn’t mean she can’t. This distinction is important.  She bites her tongue, she swallows the blood, but it doesn’t mean she can’t draw it if necessary.

EXTRA FACTZ:

alright i’m gonna stop bc i usually write long intros and i’m trying to learn the art of brevity

ISFJ & libra

has a cat named asteria because she thought it was funny tbh

patronus: swan

none of that blood curse BS bc cursed child isnt valid in my house!!!!!!

boggart: her sister’s dead body which signifies letting her family down and the person she loves most down, losing her family as well

if u didn’t already know daphne is everything to her

plays piano and violin

loves the stars and star jewelry, she does kinda like astrology too

questions her gender v v deep down, doesn’t really acknowledge or talk about it and doesn’t feel there’s room to

knows she aint straight though and is cool with it

buy the stars by marina and the diamonds is her SONG

always looking good. always looking fresh. she dresses up that uniform with so much jewelry, she looks GOOD AT ALL TIMES and is always wearing some sort of jewelry. designer everything on hogsmeade weekends. like ur girl is looking fresh 2 DEATH

it’s astoria or ria, even then only a few people can call her ria. it’s astoria or bust lol! none of that tori shit!

is something of a wine expert?? she’s real posh tbh. she went to italy (1) time and was like wow i am cultivating a Love of Wine and has done so

[realisticexoquotes]

scorpio sun, capricorn moon, scorpio rising

NERDY AF. theres always one thing youre specifically obsessive and obsessed. Lowkey selfish tbh. Will randomly text you without texting you for like three fucking months and every thing is still chill. Really easy too become friends with tbh. FOODIES. Will be your friend for like fucking decades but will text you like every six months tbh. LOWKEY MOODY AND HAS DIFFERENT MOODS EVERY TEN SECONDS. will talk to you about legit anything and everything under the sun. SARCASTIC AF. fucking phenomenal memory. “I can do it myself bitch.” you probably get told you arent sympathetic enough because you think about things logically while others use emotions. LOVES ANIMALS MORE THAN HUMANS SQUAD. Realist. Taking responsibility for everything and solves everyone else’s problems but is lowkey a mess. Tough love. “You are so mature for your age.”Blames others as a coping mechanism. HATES TO TALK ABOUT WHAT THEYRE GOING THROUGH CAUSE THEY DONT WANT TO BURDEN THEIR FRIENDS. LOYal AF tho. resting bitch face tbh. everyone thinks you hate them and theyre right like 95% of the time. very observant and scrutinizing of their surroundings. sees through that superficial bs. lowkey manipulative af tho. Seems icy but is actually a cinnamon roll.  

[ragnarssons]

the 100 ask game

I was tagged by @nightbleeder ty <3 (even tho half of the fandom won’t like my answers, yikes)  1. What would you get arrested for on the Ark? as the things were on s1? Probably punching Kane in the face just for being around... or probably stealing some supplies for people I care about. Or murder, because sometimes the urge is strong, it has to be even worse on a very limited space like the ark. 2. Would you take off your wristband when you landed on the ground? ehhhh uuuuh, no, especially not with Bellamy’s ways of doing things at the time. Yeah, when Bellamy started to forbid people from eating unless they take their wristband off, is the only time I sided with Finn... 3. What would the necklace Finn would make for you look like? (Clarke: deer/Raven: a raven duh..) a fist in his face? Idk, Finn would have never made me a necklace because I wouldn’t have liked him at all to begin with. But if it has to come to that, maybe a tree leaf or something that simple. 4. If you could resurrect any MINOR character who would it be? *big breath* SINCLAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIR 5. Create a squad of 5 characters to go on missions with. Who are they? Bellamy “eyes sharp” Blarke, Clarke doctor Griffin, Monty, Roan (because broanlarke and also their mission was badass), and Raven “it won’t survive me” Reyes. I have guns, swords, brains, abs, technology, and medical support. 6. Minty or Briller? Briller. I’m actually looking forward to see what they did with Jackson and Miller tbh.... 7. What would your name be in Trigedasleng? (example: Octavia=Okteivia…just make it up!) ehhh, Mari? Yeah kinda like Madi, cool. 8. Thoughts on Finn? Some people hate him, and others love him, so I’m curious  Who? Listen, I didn’t hate him at first, when I started the show. To me watching the first eps, it was THAT simple, Bellamy was the “bad guy” and Finn was “the good guy” the storyline sides with every time. And Clarke and him are the “rightful couple”. But delving into the show it gets more complicated and even tho I shipped Bellarke and Bellamy was by far my fav over Finn, I was “mehhh” with Finn. I didn’t care about his ass tbh. When he died I didn’t care. And then I rewatched the show. And I re-rewatched it. And re-re-rewatched it. And I HATE Finn. There is no more self-righteous character (except Octagon), and yet he’s the most basic douchebag you could ever put on a tv show. He’s lying, he’s cheating people, yet for a long while (5 episodes is still a long while) the narrative makes us want to be like “yeahh Finn ur so gooood”. And when there actually is the “love triangle” he goes all weak ass about it, being “sorry” and yet doing NOTHING to atone for what he did. He sleeps with Raven while it’s SOOO OBVIOUS that she’s just fucking him because she’s desperate and sad and just running away from things. SERIOUSLY? You don’t love her, she loves you, but you sleep with her??? And the way both Raven and Clarke had to be the “bigger person” for his sorry ass. I’m glad they worked things through and got an awesome relationship even tho he was here, with his “sad puppy eyes” dumb face. And the way he’s stalking Clarke wherever she goes, questioning and criticizing all her decisions. AND when on Unity Day he put CLARKE’S ass in danger, then went all “youuu should have truuusted meeee” when Clarke got her ass saved by Bellamy, BECAUSE his idea was dumb to begin with (and also because he kinda “forced” her hand to speak with the Grounders while she NEVER wanted to do that in the first place... why didn’t he go himself ehhh if he’s sooo smart? And after that he acted all schocked because the Grounders came with weapons - DUUUUUH). Do I hate Finn enough here?  9. Be honest. How willing would you have been to take the chip without knowing all the horrible things it does? Not. I’ve known really hard times, but never in my life I have thought about “turning my feelings/pain off” in a superficial way. And idk, kinda knowing it’s some kind of computer thingy (do they know?) “taking control” over you, ehhh no. I don’t do drugs. 10. What character do you relate to most & What character do you like the least not including the obvious ones like Pike, etc… I relate to Bellamy the most. Idk, yeah I don’t have a little sister who was my duty for all my life. But on a larger spec, I’d do most of the things he did. I know I’d kill only if it were necessary and I know I wouldn’t be able to live with it and trying to atone for it. I know that I’m true and impetuous and impredictable like Bellamy.  And the ones I relate with the least are Octagon and Mur.hy (let’s not tag him because heeee). 11. Describe your delinquent outfit. (Would you wear something like Murphy’s jacket with the spikey red shoulder patch or have a trademark like Jasper’s goggles? Be creative, yet practical) I’d be a basic bitch. With Clarke’s good earth cleavage because I can rock it too.  12. Favorite type of mutant animal? I loved the idea of the deer (also on s1 Lincoln actually has a “mutant horse”). I think Pauna is ridiculous, tho. I’d like to see more of these, on the other hand. 13. What would your job be on the Ark? Janitor? 14. Would you have willingly pumped Ontari’s heart if Abby asked? I think so. I know that when my adrenaline kicks in, I am able to push back a lot of my discomforts. Even tho I HATEEEEEEEEE everything related to surgery and stuff like that. To save Clarke, I would have, yeahhh... 15. If Lxa wasn’t Heda, but she’s still alive right? then who would make the best commander? No one? Idk just destroy this autocratic way of ruling. Wells would have been a good leader *side eyes*. Idk at least the Chancellor is elected, but I really disagree with the whole Grounders’ politics soooo I really don’t care about all this. 16. If you were a grounder, then where would you live and who would be your mentor? I’d love my mentor to be Lincoln. And ummm as for the clan ummm, I don’t care?? Trishanakru? The butterflies are nice, you know. 17. How would you act if you ate the hallucinogenic nuts like Jasper and Monty? Monty. I too want to give the Earth a giant hug. 18. How would you have dealt with Charlotte’s crime? A more John Murphy approach or Bellamy Blake? I would have given her some therapy cuz I don’t know why Wells had to die because she was seeing Jaha in her nightmares. Like?? Logic?? Where are you?? I really don’t know what I would have done but certainly NOT what they did to Murphy but also NOT what he would have done himself had he caught Charlotte (or what he did through the episode). Banishment seemed like a good idea, but she’s still a kid. Gosh I have no idea.  19. Who should be the Chancellor, if anyone? Someone from the lower ranks on the Ark. Like Sinclair? Given his relationships to a lot of characters, he would have been a good Chancellor, yeh. Or Ginger Dad. 20. Mount Weather had a lot of modern commodities. (example: Maya’s Ipod)What is the one thing you would snatch while there? Dante’s art collection. 21. Do you think you’d have caught the virus spread through camp or would you have been immune like Oct.via? Since my headcanon is that the virus was like “a moral compass” (since only the good characters got it), I’d say that I wouldn’t be immune. (I’ll never buy this bs saying that Octagon and Finn are “the strong ones” LMAO) 22. What would your grounder tattoos look like? Hairstyle? War paint? type Aloy on Google and that’s it. Aloy is bae. I also loved Lxa’s back tattoo tbh. And no war paint (idk all of these, on the show, are ridiculous). 23. Favorite quote? “For all its faults, Earth is really beautiful” also “We save who we can save today”. I also love the Traveler’s Prayer.  24. Can you forgive Mur.hy for his actions? How about Bellamy? About Mur/hy it’s gonna be a big NO. Like, sorry, I still have zero empathy for this character. People call him “complex”, to me, he hasn’t changed ever since the beginning of the show (he literally abandoned his “buddy” Bellamy on 401 like ehhh??). And the way he’s so judgy and “sassy” while he’d morally have ZERO right to be. I think the fandom works way more to make me dislike him, how everyone integrated the fact that he’s a bs human being and act like it’s normal and it’s a reason to like/love him. Bellamy has changed a lot from s1 to s4, I’ve never seen him NOT atone or try to do better after his screw-ups. That’s the main difference to me. Starting as a certain person, distrusting the others, okay, it’s one thing. Never buging from that? Nop. Several characters showed a lot of care for Mur.hy and he never did (apart from the very last moments of 413 so who knows, maybe coming from that, my PoV will change, but from s1 to s4 my PoV never changed on him). I honestly like the idea of the show integrating a character like this in the story, it’s “different”, yes. It’s just not characters I like and/or relate to. I also feel like the writers don’t (didn’t? until now) know how to put him in a narrative close to the people he could evolve with (because they... didn’t want him to evolve?). He was just alone on lots of times, aaand very often, sadly for him, related to SLs I didn’t like (Polis, Jaha’s quest, the mansion and all). I don’t like the “in it only for myself” kinds of characters. (if it can help, I also disliked both Bellamy and Kane when they seemed to be “just that” as well... but they evolved). 25. If one of the characters was in the Hunger Games, who would have the best shot at winning? NOOOOO ALREADY SO MUCH DEATH NOOOO One of the Grounders most likely. And unless it would be Lincoln then I wouldn’t care. 26. Least favorite ship? Favorite ship? NOT INCLUDING CL OR BC anything including Octagon. Also anything including Finn. My favorite ship is Bellarke and I ain’t gonna bend the truth *shrugs* I care very little about any other ships on here lmao (except Monty and Harper, they have my thumbs up).  27. A song that should be included in the next season, like when Radioactive was? If there had to be another guest star like Shawn Mendes on the show, who would you want to make a cameo? Some Olafur Arnalds, let’s suffer. 28. What would you do if you were stuck in the bunker with Murp.y for all that time? Honestly? All the data he had about the past in that thing? I would have watched it all. (or did it have only the one video with ALIE and Becca? I don’t remember) 29. Opinion on Emori? Roan? I loved Roan when he was an ally, but I do think he had a manipulative side that he played on Clarke a lot. I think he could have had way more potential than what they did with him. As for Emori... I like her, I’m glad she’s still alive as in, I hope they’ll delve into her more to make me like her more. Because I liked how she started to develop a “care” for Clarke and the others after ep408. Before that, I also didn’t like her, the “Bonnie and Clyde” thing she had with Murp.y didn’t interest me. 30. Would you want to be an extra that is killed off in a brutal way? Eh, yeah why not. 31. A character you’d like to learn more about and get flashbacks of? MONTY, I mean? Why did he never get flashbacks?? Also Harper, Miller, Jackson, idk the Sky People ya kno.  32. A character you’d bang? Look, “Satisfied Girl” and Bree are my girls goal. @head-and-heart @bellamynochillblake @bellsbeard @captainheroism @grumpybell @bellamyslaugh @perhalta @bobnorley @foolish-nymeria ehhh if anyone else wants to do it, let’s go!

[iwatchedyougoinghomeeveryday]

Gonna make good use of Tumblr and write a post about my trauma!!!

tw: death, depression

It’s 3:00 am and I’m just gonna dive in... there’s no denying that everyone has had a difficult year and in a way that makes me feel better and worse?  Even though I wish I could take away everyone’s pain... better because I know people can relate.  Worse because I feel guilty when I go on and on in my head about the unfairness of it all when I know others are dealing with things far more overwhelming and traumatic.  Still... these past two years have made me feel numb in a way I could not have predicted.

I never, ever wanted time to move forward.  As a child I questioned why everyone wanted to grow up and resisted the changes in my life.  I felt wiser and also lonelier with the perspective that time passing meant taking steps closer to an inevitable end.  I never thought about myself - I was fortunate enough to not have to question my own mortality - but I worried endlessly about my loved ones.  I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop - everyone around me was well and I had never experienced major loss before.  Things had to end.  So while everyone was actually healthy and present, I was spending time panicking about the future.  Worrying that it would be the last time I saw somebody or picturing the day when I got that big, bad news.  Sometimes it was too painful to even imagine - I simply couldn’t picture it - but I’d torment myself with the thought anyway.

All of this to say... I’ve been so nihilistic.  That might be dramatic, but it’s how I’ve felt, especially since I entered this depression episode seven years ago.  I don’t think it was a coincidence that my depression got bad my junior year in high school when everyone was excitedly planning for the future.  I didn’t care about school or jobs or anything superficial - I just cared about my family being alive.  And couldn’t everyone see how pointless the other stuff was?  It was a distraction, or worse, an endless routine with a predictable end.  I hated it.

I haven’t done any of that stuff - there’s nothing I want from the future.  I think if I had a dream or passion, I would accept it as a distraction, a goal to alleviate some of that darkness.  But I genuinely don’t want anything.  And that’s a whole other story, but it’s where I’ve been stuck these past five years - telling myself that if my family was secure and my mental health was better, then the rest would fall into place.  That never happened - the other shoe dropped.

Here was my family: my mother, my sister, my grandmother and grandfather, my aunt, my four cats.  Those were my people - my tiny circle of people that I held closely.  A few months out of school... I found out one of my cats had cancer.  I got him when I was seven.  (I pretty much got all my cats when I was seven/eight.)  He was my best friend and, after eight months, I lost him.  And that broke me a bit.  I drove myself crazy that year (2016) with worry and my OCD - that was my worst year with anxiety.  I spent so much energy caring for him then suddenly... nothing.  I feel like I can’t properly express how much my cats meant to me.  They were all my best friends, really.  They were always there and I understood them so deeply and I felt so responsible for them - it was unwavering.  When I was ten, and dealing with my aforementioned fear of death, I remember thinking that they were “it” for me - they would be gone one day but I vowed they were the only pets I was ever going to have.  It was the only thing that was right and fair.

Flashforward a year and half from my cat dying... my aunt’s boyfriend died from a heart attack.  Sudden, no warning - just get the call that he’s gone.  And even though it wasn’t official, he was like an uncle to my sister and I.  He’d been in our lives for over ten years.  It was difficult to categorize or even comprehend this loss.  But I consider this the start of everything going to heck.  Something happened at the end of 2018 that I can’t even talk about because it’s too painful and sensitive, but it was one more major trauma.     

Early 2019... another one of my cats died from a random attack.  We let him onto our back porch for the morning - we have a fenced backyard and he just liked to sit on the porch - and there was a stray cat that had gotten inside and attacked him.  Just like that, two days later, he was gone.  Once again having to accept a sudden and senseless death.  Leading to August 2019, two days after my birthday, my grandfather fell from his porch steps, hit his head, and died.  Just like that.  Nobody got to even say goodbye or see him because my grandmother was visiting my mother, sister, and I for my birthday.  Only took us two hours to drive there and in that time he was gone.  Two hours to worry about my grandfather, who was in great health, then just accepting that he was dead.  This was the biggest, most awful thing to happen to my family.  I still haven’t coped with it.  

Didn’t even mention that in 2018 I found out that another one of my cats had kidney disease.  He was second closest to me when my other cat was alive, but in his absence, my bond with him was stronger than I had with any of my cats.  Stronger than I had with most people, tbh.  He was needy and around me 24/7 - he really only loved me.  And I couldn’t fathom losing him.  There were ups-and-downs, but he was doing good with his fluid treatments.  Then November 2019, because I was so intuitive with him, I got the feeling that he was getting sick and for real this time.  He was only eating just a little bit less than usual, but I knew.  Just a look in his eye... I knew.  And this really sent me on the deep end.  November 2019 my depression deepened when I realized that a year from that date, I might not have my two cats, or my grandmother, or who knows who else.  This was not some faraway fear - this was real.  I was actually living in the time that I feared.  I was there.  So badly I wished 2020 didn’t have to exist.  (God, if I only knew what was to come.)

I was a basket case November and December as I watched my cat slowly get worse.  On top of this, my mom was feeling ill and she went to the doctor several times with no explanation for her pain.  That sickened me - I had pictured losing so many people, but I couldn’t picture losing my mom.  It was too big, too life-shattering.  She was superwoman, invincible.  And now I had to consider that, too.  She thankfully started feeling better, but my cat got worse.  I was lucky if I got any sleep or ate anything during last January.  At the end of the month he passed away and, out of everything I have experienced, that destroyed me the most.  He was like my child - I was supposed to protect him.  And instead I watched him suffer.  I’ve now lost people close to me and I know it sounds bad, but losing my cat was the worst.

But guess what - trauma is not over!  Exactly one month from my cat dying... I witnessed a fatal car accident.  Directly in front of me.  Never even seen an accident before - not even a fender bender - and this one was fatal.  It was unnerving because the actual collision didn’t seem that bad, but suddenly there was an unconscious old woman laying in the road.  I didn’t see it happen - thank God - but I’m assuming she was ejected from her car because she was not wearing a seatbelt.  I called 911 - first time doing that, too - and watched as she lay there and all I could think was that I was on the opposite side of what happened with my grandfather, six months ago.  He had a fatal head injury and we got the call and got to the hospital to get the news that he died.  Some family was going to have that same experience.  That messed me up.  In so many ways.  I don’t have my license because I am scared of driving - now I’m scared to ride in cars.  I had nightmares for months.  This accident never made the news, which actually made me angry because it felt like something that happened and was immediately forgotten about.  I obsessively wondered about the family and victim.  The accident happened at the entrance to the library - my one safe place.  I volunteered there every week before covid.  I only got the chance to go two times before everything shut down in March, but I had to drive by the place where it happened and when I was in the library I tensed and panicked every time I heard an ambulance.  It was awful.

July 2020 - I lost the last of my kitties.  Fifteen years of taking care of them, loving them... I really didn’t know how to exist without them.  We didn’t have any closure on this cat’s death, either.  Never knew exactly what was wrong.  But I was so numb at this point - my whole view shifted.  I just didn’t want anyone to suffer anymore.  So losing her was numbing - she was gone, but she didn’t suffer like my last kitty.  Numb numb numb numb numb.

Then Thanksgiving... this news would’ve absolutely destroyed me a few years ago.  Right now I can’t comprehend it.  I’ve been expecting the worst anyway.  We found out my grandmother has cancer and is already in the final stages.  That damn theme again... no warning.  She went into the hospital for another reason, leaves learning that she has three cancerous areas.  And I see her at Thanksgiving and all hope is gone... I see the effect on her.  Because I’m robotically dealing with grief now, I tell myself that I don’t expect her to live to 2021.  I saw her end of October - she seemed fine.  If she can go from fine to awful in three weeks, then I expect the same for her passing.  And it is so selfish, but I do not want to see it.  I do not want her to get any worse.  She had a biopsy and she gets results tomorrow.  I already know it will be the worst case scenario.  Everyone, especially now, says to appreciate the small things, make the moments matter because you don’t know how many you have left.  BS.  I just want it to be over.  I don’t want the in-between - there’s nothing to appreciate.  Losing my grandmother... that’s unfathomable.  I love everyone in my family, but it’s always been me, my mom, my sister, and my grandmother who has been the closest.  My family couldn’t function without my grandfather.  I don’t know how we go on without my grandmother.  It doesn’t matter what news she gets from the doctor tomorrow.  One month is the timeframe I am giving myself.  It is cold and calculating to think, but that’s what I expect.  And I’m so used to people dying suddenly... there’s nothing romantic about last moments and words.  I don’t want them.  Maybe I’d regret that in the future, but right now, it’s how I cope.

This is not even mentioning that my mother has always had SO much stress and trauma in her own life and this past year I have noticed it take a huge toll on her.  I’m worried about her health - physically and mentally.  She’s seemed different this year - I can’t blame her, but I don’t know what to do.  And my sister’s mental health is always so fragile, and her relationship with my mother is awful - I feel like I’ve lost them, too.  It’s not hopeless, but I’ve been trying to fix things and they don’t improve.  And I know my grandmother’s passing will affect them most of all - she’s my mother’s mother, after all, and my sister has always loved my grandmother the most.  She has unconditional love for her, a love I wish she extended to us but I was always glad she had that relationship with my grandmother.  We’re going to be completely broken.

So now I’m submerged in that future - I’ve lost all four of my cats, my grandfather, my grandmother soon.  My mom and sister are all I’ve got, and that would be reassurance if I wasn’t so worried about them, too.  If sixteen-year-old me couldn’t see a favorable future... you can imagine how helpless I feel now.

[nylenol]

ALL OF THEM. 1-50. GO.

1: Do you ever wish you were someone else?

yes and no! i value the idea of fate a Lot a lot and idk i believe things happen to certain ppl for a certain reason whether in this life or others so. yeah. i also think that everything i’ve been thru makes me a certain way, and throwing that away to go like,,, possess another body or some shit makes everything not worth. i wish i had better financial status and had more resources at my disposal tho! so if i could change my social/financial standing thatd be hot as fuck

2: What is your full name?sandra whot (thats what i write on my physics tests)

3: How old are you and how old do you get mistaken for?im 17 but god knows i still look 12

4: Have you ever dyed your hair?no but ppl ask me if i’ve dyed it bc the natural colors kinda wack! also i spray painted it blue once does that count

5: What’s your eye color?healthy soil mmm wormy

6: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with iti like my body! i used to not bc shes a little chonky but its okay now^^

7: Do you have any tattoos or piercings?i really wanna get an industrial/helix piercing in my ear but im scared of piercings djhgggg i used to have those little asian baby hoops that all asian babies have but it got caught in my necklace and started bleeding like fuck when i was little so i was kinda traumatized, dont wear earrings anymore and the hole closed up on one side ; as for tattoos i want one eventually! maybe something small and meaningful on my ankle/wrist or smth

8: What would you say is your best quality?i’m really tolerant of a lotta bs tbh; a lot of times when my friends cant handle a person/situation i still find myself p okay with it and they tell me that so ya!

9: What are you really bad at?oh my god so many : cant dance; cant sing; drawing mediocre; meeting deadlines? whos she! etc etc my work ethic just sux

10: What talent do you wish you had?i wish i could sing well/play an instrument!! love live renewed my love for music a lot and not being able to express that love for music IN music makes me rlly emo

11: Are you nice to everyone?yeah i’d like to think so,, sometimes i shittalk if they like do something Genuinely Morally Wrong like hello but for the most part i think everyones deserving of kindness even if i dont know them that well!

12: What do you think about the most?i spend a lot of time thinking abt the past and what i could have changed and the future and what i could have been and its ugly dont like it but it nags at me!! thanks obama

13: Things you like/dislike about yourselfi like the fact that i have a lot of passion for certain things and dedicate myself to them!! but i dont like the fact that i get demotivated rlly easy and let things pile up after signing up for too many things that i care about; ; ;  then i dont drop these things and end up in a shithole of responsibility like hello o o o o 

14: What is your least favorite word?i dunno! but any word i cant pronounce correctly is my mortal enemy (colosseum)

15: What is your favorite word?idk but i say hello so much ,, about time i start punctuating my sentences with goodbye.

16: Are you more like your mom or your dad?i look exactly like my dad but i like my mom more! i wanna be like her, that woman works so hard to keep me and my sister alive hello

17: Would you ever smile at a stranger?yeah! but honest to god if the strangers a crusty man then no i aint risking shit

18: A reason you’ve lied to someoneuhh the other day i went out for dim sum w benji and told my mom that only BENJI was buying dim sum but actually he paid for both of us bc im a broke bih (my mom hates owing ppl money) and yeah i feel terrible i dont lie often

19: Are you lying about anything right now?i dont think so ? only person im lying to is myself kek - John 1:14

20: Have you kissed someone older than you?never kissed anyone ! but wheres my milf @ god

21: Do you believe in love at first sight?yes in a way ??? but i think thats a superficial, physical kind of love and the love that matters can only form after like. years of both platonic and romantic bonding

22: Do you believe in soulmates?yes! the definition of a soulmate to me is someone who would fit best for you both romantically and platonically - but while there will always be someone who fits the best, there will always be someone who fits about the same, and someone who fits about the same right under that, etc etc. while we dont end up w/ the OG Soulmate tm in most situations, we do find a variation of them somewhere in the world.

23: Are looks important?a little bit?? but it doesnt matter in the long run, if you love someone then you’ll also grow to love the way they look its a package deal brent

24: Opinion on relationship age differencesi like ppl around my age or maybe a year younger/older but if ur 25 n dating a 35 yo then thats ur business! idc as long as neither party is in their teens and its healthy

25: Would you date someone off the Internet?unless i met them irl? no

26: Have you ever cried over a boy/girl?lol yeah in part, i normally dont cry until i have 6000 different reasons to cry and sufficient hydration (like 3 times a year hello)

27: Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?lol

28: Anyone you’re giving up on right now?lol

29: Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?yeah! my friends disliked one of my best friends for like a Long time, me n her aren’t close friends anymore bc shes kinda snakey but w/e

30: Have you ever liked your best friend?lol

31: How does someone win your heart?be a good friend! same humor helps a lot, if someone’s aura is comfy for me to be in then hhhello ;; also genuine concern and compassion is my biggest turn on yeet

32: What turns you on?having enough food on me to eat every single period of the day, fruit, vidya games, sleeping,,, when teachers extend deadlines mr. geil i love you ? i lo

33: What turns you off?ketchup poured over fries like hello what is wrong with people.

34: Do you get jealous easily?yes cerritos auto square

35: What is your definition of cheating?cheating (noun) - the conscious pursuit of non-platonic relations with a person other than your significant other

36: Do you forgive betrayal?not really but depends on the situation

37: Have you ever been cheated on?nop i gave someone my hw to copy a few times tho

38: Have you ever cheated on someone?nop but i copy other ppls hw on a daily basis :)

39: How often do you listen to music?24/7 all the time always every waking hour right now immediately at the moment, this bitch DEAD without her earbuds

40: First concert you attendedactual actual concert in a venue was the AX one where Aqours performed!!

41: Last movie you watchedCarol it made me sososoos emo i was watching it on a bus next to a bunch of hetties i was Crying. crying

42: Favorite type of movieromance! and for some reason disaster movies,,, also psychological movies r Really up there

43: Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?hoohooheehee

44: Are you good at hiding your feelings?yeah when i need to, its obvious to other ppl tho i think

45: Do you fall in love easily?not really

46: Do you think people say I love you too much?yes and no, it depends on context and frequency

47: What’s your favorite holiday?tet bih

48: Are you a forgiving person? Do you like being that way?im pretty forgiving i think, i wish i wasnt

49: Where’s the most magical place on earth?right here in my bed! wish i could sleep forever

50: What’s your “type”?idk if i have a type but ppl are hot and this lesbian is too weak to go on! i like ppl who are kinda similar to me tho: little crazy little wack but ultimately well meaning