#I tried to put a readmore like 10 times and it didnt work

[cornfields-td-nonsense]

i kinda wanna know more of esther as a character, how her personality differs from zeeks, how her farmgirl brain works, etc. it would also be cute to see if the siblings have any quirks they share

Yesss an excuse to talk about the character that kicked this whole thing off! You will (probably) not regret this.

Alright y'all might have seen that character ref sheet I made of her a little while back. It was made back when I was first creating her (before most of the nautilus cast even existed) and I'm thinking of redoing it, just to keep it up to date. There haven't been any super drastic changes but I wanna make sure it's all accurate. Anyway, Esther time!

(This turned into a life story recap so im putting it under a readmore so it doesn't clog ur feed :P)

Like her older brother Ezekiel, Esther was born and raised on a farm far from the alien world of the suburbs, by Mary and Patrick Miller (bonus points to anyone who can guess who the parents are named after). And, like Zeke, Esther was taught some... regressive values by her father. She was described as a 'free spirit' as a child - she couldn't sit still, she'd hurt herself while climbing trees or playing with the animals and brush it off like it was nothing, and she seemed to have an endless well of energy and enthusiasm for pretty much anything. But as time went by, Patrick decided that these traits had stopped being cute or endearing, as he viewed her free-spirited nature as something to grow out of. And quickly.

When Esther and Zeke were still young, but old enough to work with food without injuring themselves, Mary would allow them to help her in the kitchen, preparing meals and baked goods. It was some great and valuable bonding time for the siblings, and for them and their mother. But then Zeke turned thirteen and Patrick decided that just like that, it was time for him to become a man - and as he saw it, men certainly should not waste their time in the kitchen. The more the siblings grew older, the more it felt to both of them - Esther especially - that they were being raised individually by their parents. Patrick taught Zeke to toughen up and act more like the future 'man of the house' should, and Esther was taught domestic chores by Mary. Both of them had to 'know their place', but Esther always felt like her mother's heart wasn't in it. She didn't show nearly the same passion in teaching Esther to sit still, smile, and speak when spoken to, as Patrick showed when teaching Zeke how to hunt. (He never talked about what happened on these hunting trips, and Esther never asked. She got the feeling he didnt want to talk about them.) Neither Mary nor Esther were happy with their place, and though they never spoke about it, there was a sort of camaraderie between them, an unspoken understanding that they were in the same boat.

Then Zeke found out from his permitted 10 minutes of television per day that there was going to be this new show called Total Drama. And everything changed.

Esther actually helped her brother audition - they both worked together to make their father extra happy so he'd be more likely to say yes. Esther tried extra hard to do all her chores to perfection, didn't complain once, and almost forgot what the sound of her own voice was like. Patrick said it was the most well-behaved he'd ever seen her. (She had to accidentally-on-purpose burn the food and knock over the milk jug the week after to make herself feel better.) And she even held the camera to record Zeke's audition tape.

They... probably should have taken the fact that Zeke accidentally shot Mary with a fake arrow as a bad omen, and not sent in the tape. That's what Esther thought later, anyway.

The episodes air and Zeke is the first boot. Patrick is not happy about this. What followed was Patrick spending the rest of the day at the nearest available phone, making a series of long angry phone calls to the producers of the show, while Mary and Esther go about their day wearing earplugs.

I should mention that Esther was twelve at this time, soon to turn thirteen, and she was kind of dreading her birthday. Given how much had changed when Zeke hit this milestone, she didn't want to think about what would happen if the same was in store for her.

Turns out not much was different, to her relief. She was sent on more errands out of the house, but that was pretty much it.

This marked the point of Esther spending more and more time outside of the house, always returning home late and having some excuse in her back pocket. Being at home was just... too complicated. With Zeke gone, tensions were rising, and she did not want to be there when they boiled over.

Spending more time out of the house also gave Esther ample opportunity to snag more time watching TD. She managed to watch the first two full seasons while sitting in a 70s themed diner with a tiny little TV set that happened to play a lot of Total Drama. And, like literally every other preteen/early teen girl watching TDI, she had a crush on Gwen. Watching the show was the starting point for her figuring out she was bisexual, which was a whole journey in of itself.

Not only that, but watching the girls on the show helped Esther question what Patrick had instilled in her. These girls were strong, and cool, and skilled, and smart. The final four were two boys, two girls. The final two was a boy and a girl. They were equals, something that wouldn't have been revolutionary to your average viewer, but was utterly earth-shattering to Esther.

Then after TDA, Zeke returned for a little while and he seemed... different? But he was still Zeke and Esther was just happy to see him.

And then he got called back.

And then World Tour happened.

And Esther watched the whole thing unfold in that 70s-style diner, watching everything her brother went through on that tiny little television set while surrounded by people who had no idea who she was.

...

Okay that was a downer so have a few light hearted Esther facts to wrap this thing up

- She had a pet horseshoe when she was five. She tied twine around it like a leash and dragged it along the ground behind her. She named it Harry.

- Her favourite colour is green.

- She used to go digging for buried treasure out in the fields when she was young. It got so bad that her parents thought there was a mole infestation. She did find a few old coins, a bottle and a handful of animal bones, so that was pretty cool.

- She and Zeke used to play 'the corn chip game'. The idea was that you would take it in turns to eat from a plate of corn chips, only taking a small handful at most each turn, and the person who ate the last chip was the loser. It would get very competitive, and made a single plate of chips last hours. No joke. You were technically allowed to break the chips to create more, but you had to do a forfeit if they broke (usually stuff like: kiss the ground, say the ABCs while standing on your head, drink pond water).

[actualbird]

good day po fave online kuya kong si kuya zak 🫶🏽🫶🏽

feel free to delete this from ur inbox if u don wanna answer i genyuweenly won't mind <33 pero how did u decide on a senior high school?? a strand?? A COLLEGE???? a career too doot doot doot

idk school and the future has been stressing me out :pain: also any debate tips cause in my head ur a very good speaker...... my first debate is graded so it's taking a toll on my grp 😓😓😓😓 AND labag sa kalooban namen ung topic AHAHHAHAHHA so namamlastik lang kami

thank u sm ule kuya kahit na idelete mo to, typing it out made me calmer ng onti seryoso ueuueue

>hopefully friendly neighborhood (marikenyo) grade 10 student

ps; ur luke cos is so cos goals the luke stan in me is screaming crying cause im curious if im taller than u /j im only 5'2" lawl UR WIG IS SO NICE TOO LIKE GENUINELY !!!! the styling is mwa chefs kiss

hi hi anon!! omg first off can i just say i got a nice boost of happy chemical from being called kuya zak like,,,,oh das me :'D

and it's alright, i dont mind this at all!! i really understand how the future can be stressful huhu, especially when ur in high school, so helping out in any way wld be my pleasure

i'll go thru this one by one (and under a readmore) cuz it seems uve been following here for a while so siguro by this point, siguro alam mo na na madaldal ako esp sa mga ask responses JHVKAJHSFVJKAHS

how did i decide a senior high school strand/college degree/career?:

unfortunately, i cannot help on on the High School Strand kasi 'di ko naabutan yung strand system in high school VSJHFVKSJDHGSD. my batch graduated right when they started doing strands, so i never got to experience it, huhu, nor do i understand the process (even after my younger sibling has tried many times to explain it to me, minsan bobo ako jVKJSHF)

but maybe my next stuffs can help out :D

in choosing a college course i.....really kinda just picked what i wanted to do. and this was a huge privilege i'll always be grateful to my family for, whatever i wanted to study, they'd support me. the courses i applied for in diff schools were the following, in order of first to last choice: Creative Writing, English/Comparative Literature, and BA Psychology (tho disclaimer: i only put this last one on application forms cuz it was needed, i didnt actually want to study that very much HAHA, it was writing or lit for me all the way)

on why i wanted those courses is....idk it's another thing that i think is also a privilege. ive always known that ive wanted to write, to study writing, and to pursue it later on. ive been writing and reading ever since i was a kid and i was pretty deadset on it from an early age.

i know that a lot of people dont have a similar experience tho sometimes, but i guess my advice for how to pick a college course is: what can you see yourself enjoying learning more and more and more about?

ofc, this gets a bit more complicated if ur family is strict and will only allow u to take certain degrees huhu. but if uve got the freedom to choose, i'd say dont just think about what you like, but what you'd like to learn about.

cuz college is work. it's a LOT of work. and while liking something can help, that Like can fall flat when youve gotta be doing all the requirements. it helps if, whatever u choose, it's something uve got a craving for knowledge for.

and honestly, if you dont know what to get or if you choose something and realize it isnt for you, thats okay too! you can shift courses in college! or if you want to learn more, you can take a minor degree! sometimes your first choice wont work, and thats okay. you can choose again and see what fits.

how i chose my career was a bit different from this cuz....the ph job market is in shambles JHVASFVASKJFHASVKFJAH

i currently work as a copywriter and despite the stresses, i really enjoy my job! but this wasnt my first job (my first job fucking sucked so bad that i resigned within a month) and i didnt land it straight out of college (i was out of college for over a year before landing my current gig). i got lucky with my current job, bc when it comes to careers, it's a lot harder to have a choice.

of course, all the jobs i was looking into were writing related: content writer, SEO writer, scriptwriter, etc etc. but theres a lot of companies out there that treat writers like absolute shit, a lot of companies who wont get back to you after an interview, a lot of companies who wont take you. i didnt choose my career so much as get lucky in the job market gacha (lol), but my advice here is that like...search within the industries you think you'd, at best, enjoy working in or, at minimum, can endure being in

which is a very depressing statement, i know.....life is tough, but there are good jobs out there with ppl who wont treat u like crud. if i got lucky, i can only hope more ppl can get this kind of experience too

and like i said in the college bit, if u find urself in a job u dont vibe with and u have the privilege/stability to be able to quit it:.....just quit it

a lot of these life choices are made to be really Big by schools and teachers and everybody really, but you dont have to get it right the first time. you can start over, it's alright, youve got your whole life ahead of you. if your life allows u the privilege and freedom to choose and discover new things, dont hold yourself back

i hope this could help somehow. i realize that a lot of this is medj philosophical jHVJHSFKJSD but back when i was in college, i wish somebody told me that it's not the end of the world if i didnt get it right the first time. so thats what i'll tell you, cuz it's true :'D

and as for debate tips HAHA, okay heres where i can give some more concrete advice because i LOVE DEBATING. I LOVE PUBLIC SPEAKING AND PRESENTING OMG OMG. it's a dream come true for me, people HAVE to listen to what ive got to say, it's a huge power trip JVSKJHFVAJS

ANYWAY, DEBATE TIPS:

i am so sorry that the topic that got assign to u and ur grp isnt something u like huhu. but my overall tip for debate (and any public speaking tbh) is. fake it

like, legit, just fake it. the delivery portion of debate, to me, is basically theatre and acting HVKJHVFKJAHFAS

imagine the most confident speaker uve ever seen urself, maybe somebody so confident na nainis ka sa kaniya, and do exactly that:

get that good posture, make motions with your hands because this helps get people's attention. if eye contact makes u nervous (it makes me so nervous huhu) u can blur/unfocus ur eyes, U Do Not See It

maintain a good rhythm with your speaking too. speak with moderate loudness and emphases for the less important, and then idiin mo in the bits na gusto mo parang mic drop moment ahfjshfa (which is usually saved best for the latter portion of an argument, but good to pepper it in as well thru the whole thing with ur most important pieces of info)

tho ofc thats all only on the public speaking bit. if im remembering correctly, high school debate does also rely heavily on the research/outline stuffs u have to do prior to the debate, and for that, i have less advice huhu. im not all that great of a researcher, but as long as uve got ur reputable sources all arranged well, oks na yan!

i feel like at this point i shld tell u that in high school, medj patapon ako na estudyante, basta pumasa ako, ok na yan sakin JHVJSHFVKDSJHFKS

that being said, pls take all my advice w a grain of salt, ha! because what works for me might not work for you. everybodys got different methods of speaking, researching, choosing degrees and careers. but even if what i said doesnt match what wld work for u, i hope ur main takeaway na lang is that u can do whatever u want in whichever way works best for you

anyway, thats all ive got to say for now! i hope smthng here could be of use and that you have a great week, anon :'D

(P.S. WAAHH, THANK U FOR UR KIND WORDS ON MY LUKE COSPLAY :DDD!! i got the wig secondhand for a steal price HAHA and......yes, you are taller than me, im 5'1" JHVJSHDFVKSDJHFVDSKJHFDSKJJKHVKJH)

[borrowersunflower]

Stuck.

"I just want to help you" with Sam and Dean from Supernatural, requested by @almighty-rain (who apparently I can't tag)

Well.

Fuck.

One minute you're trying to borrow some candy one of the beans left in the motel room and the next you got tangled up in a BLANKET.

Of all the things in the world you could have gotten stuck in

You got stuck in a blanket.

And then the door opened.

"Look, either it's a vamp or it's not-"

"I don't know, Dean! This whole thing feels-"

You were frozen, praying to whatever God there was that they wouldn't look at you.

"Feels what?"

You looked up from the knot around your leg-

Oh the bigger one was looking at you.

Shit.

"Sam?"

The one called Dean turned to follow Sam's line of sight, "Oh."

wELP TIME TO GO-

You struggled more with the knot, pulling and tugging to get your leg out.

"Hey wait-"

Your eyes snapped up, watching as Dean took a step closer.

You started moving faster.

"Dean-!"

"What?"

Out of the corner of your eye you saw Sam gesture to you.

Well that can't be good.

You started getting more frantic.

"Hey." A soft voice spoke above you.

You looked up and fell backwards, scrambling away as best you could.

"Oh so you can get closer but I can't?"

"Dean."

"Just saying."

You heard a sigh, "Ignore him."

You blinked.

Oh! He was talking to you.

oh he was talking to you.

Oh god he was talking to you.

"You okay?"

You moved to scoot back, but your leg stopped you.

"Oh let me-" He reached out a hand.

You started pushing back more, struggling against the knitted blanket.

"Whoa, hey. I just want to help you."

You looked between him and the knot before nodding.

Frankly, him helping you get out would allow for you to escape quicker.

After some quick moving your leg was out and you immediately started moving back more.

Another set of hands scooped you up right after.

"Dean!"

"What? I just wanted to talk to it-"

The voice sounded like it was all around you.

Which didn't help the fact that you were currently freaking out.

"Dean. Let them go."

"I was planning on it, Sammy." You felt everything shift, "Just after I have a few questions answered-"

Suddenly you felt yourself drop into a hard surface.

You groaned, rubbing your elbow and shooting a glare at Dean.

Looking around, you were in a bowl.

A fucking bowl.

You groaned again, covering your face and leaning back.

"Look-"

You shot him the middle finger.

"Okay, ow. What did I do?"

You sat up, opening your eyes, "Guess."

You watched Sam smack Dean's arm.

Arms crossed, you looked at Dean, "These questions better be good. I'd like some kind of entertainment before I have to pack up again."

"Pack up?"

You sighed, "It's one thing having a human see you, it's another having a jackass holding you hostage."

You heard Sam snicker.

"Hey I'm-"

"I mean, really. I probably would've come back later!"

Sam leaned forward, "Why?"

"Because, 1) I need to grab more food. 2) I'd probably want to thank you two for not holding me hostage."

"Okay okay! I get it! I'm an ass."

You scoffed, "An understatement." You stood, "Now can I go?"

Sam spoke before Dean could, "Yes, of course. Here let me-"

You held up your hand, "Not the first time I've been put in a bowl." You started walking forward, your weight slowly tipping the bowl onto its side and you hopped out.

"Why didn't you just do-"

You spun around to face Dean, putting your hands on your hips, "Would you really have let me even TRY that?"

"Well-"

"Exactly." You walked to the edge of the table that was farthest from the both of them (and conveniently over the floor vent), unhooked your string and paperclip, and slid down it to get to the floor.

"See ya!" You hopped into the floor vent.

Before you walked all the way back to your home you heard Dean talk to Sam.

"What the fuck."

[daisy--sorbet]

heyyy, hope you’re having a good night!! if you have the energy and feel okay answering, what’s up w taz graduation? i haven’t checked it out yet but i was thinking ab it. just asking bc you’re the first person i saw talk ab the show having serious issues, but also feel free to not answer this!! hope you have a good week!

i took a nice hot bath, had a strawberry kiwi capri-sun, and did a nice face mask and i’m feeling pretty good - so, y’know what anon? let’s talk about it. 

for anyone who likes taz grad who sees this post: it’ll be tagged with “taz grad hate” (although i feel hate is definitely a very strong word - it’s for the simplicity of tagging it) - so please block the tag if you don’t want to see this post (especially because i put a readmore on a post before and it didn’t show up on mobile and instead gave the full post). mobile tumblr has a tag blocking system, so please feel free to use it! i don’t mind haha

anyway, so this is... probably going to be a lost post, and i wanna go ahead and preface it: this absolutely isn’t any hate on the mcelroys themselves. i love the brothers and their dad a lot, and while i doubt any of them would ever see this (or have it sent to them, or shown to them, because im pretty sure they try to distance themselves from this sort of thing), i just want to make it clear that criticizing a product is different than bashing a person. which brings me to the point of if i do end up sounding as if im bashing someone - please call me out on it! it’s not my intention to target anyone.

with that said, let’s talk about this campaign.

so my problems are as thus: the railroading, the shipping (a fandom problem, but it’s present in the podcast), the NPCs, and some misc problems others have addressed better than i have.

which. i know. that’s basically the entire podcast. (i promise i’ll bring up some positive points to balance it all out). keep in mind i’ve only personally listened to... what, six episodes? and it was enough for me to drop it. some people dropped it first ep, some dropped it ep four, and others are still forcing themselves to listen.

the railroading

there was a time i could handle travis and his railroading [making sure the story goes exactly the way he has planned], because it was the very beginning of the podcast and that’s what you can kind of expect from a plot-heavy podcast. hell, i wouldn’t mind it if the interactions and goofs weren’t a huge part of why i listen to TAZ in particular (which, by the way, is why amnesty still stuck out to me - even if there was a direction griffin wanted to push them towards, the interactions between the players (or players and npcs) made up for any railroading). it’s kind of hard to not railroad a little when it’s story-heavy and you’re trying to built up a world that you’ve put a lot of thought into. however, a huge part of d&d is the spontaneity. 

it’s kind of why i think balance was so popular. while there was railroading towards the end, there was the presence of improv that made it all good. most mcelroy content is enjoyed because of the goofs. the magic brian moment is memorable. the jenkin’s fight still stands out because it was funny (albeit a result of some bad rolls). the boys teasing angus sticks out because the four would play well off of each other. even without that - griffin had talked about how he had to roll with things (the fact he had planned for a fight atop the train, but ditched the idea for what his family members came up with instead). even in amnesty, a couple moments that stick out to me still are ned with the jetpack taking out a pizza hut sign, and the scene with the water where jake was trapped inside. they aren’t as fun, but they still stand out as “things i didnt expect to really end the way they did.”

with grad, it’s just. one after another. the thundermen want to subpoena a xorn? cool, let’s run with that until actually the xorn gets fed rocks and goes home and who cares about the subpoena now. fitzroy wants to keep his cloak? lets talk about it for a while and you also get no rolls to even try to keep it. fitzroy goes to meet higglemas in his office? oh, why are you here fitzroy? im going to keep asking you until you answer fitzroy? you arent getting out of this scene until you answer me, fitzroy, so just tell me why you’re here already, alright, fitzroy? 

and even later in a episode i read a transcript of: hey argo, remember how you have this whole secret motivation? fuck you, im gonna talk about it here in your dream and reveal it to listeners and remove any tension you had building up, and you dont get a choice to talk about it because this all-knowing villain knows all about it :)

and even NOW in the latest episode, there’s a comment that “we should cap argo’s skills here” instead of just... making the checks higher. rogues are good at certain things and usually arent the best in battles. better hope argo never makes it to level 11, because who knows how people are gonna handle the fact that he gets a skill that’ll make it so certain skills can’t have a roll below 10 (reliable talent). 

(griffin, thankfully, calls travis out for that, but still - travis, why would you even imply that, considering you should be aware of how rogues work considering magnus multiclassed into rogue and you played one on tiny heist?)

and in the newest episode, their Big Bad chaos (which, god, i personally hate that name) straight-out says “dont do this” to the thundermen. travis tries to say, on twitter, “a character saying “dont do this” is different than me saying it” but i need to point out that it’s one thing if you’ve said “no” in character but worked with the PCs doing otherwise, but the railroading says differently.

the shipping

ill try to make this quick, because it’s nothing to do with the fandom (ship however you want, man) - but i really feel the need to draw attention to this.

fitzroy, as confirmed by griffin in a ttazz episode, is asexual. not aroace, but ace nonetheless. and i find it... troublesome that the idea of rainer and fitzroy having a relationship is still pushed nonetheless, despite the fact that fitzroy (to my knowledge) was never once shown to reciprocate any feelings. not to be that person, but i really hope that grad doesnt have any sort of romantic relationships in it (at least - not between NPCs and PCs unless they’re actually like... warranted?). 

i dont know, man. one of my closest friends is ace, and i know she wants a relationship, but i think it would reassure her a lot to see an ace character who isn’t pushed into one in case she ever changes her mind. someone once mentioned that they hope fi/tz/ra/in doesnt happen because theres relationships that have that “oh, you can just date” and it goes upwards there to “oh, you can have sex just to please them <3″  (which, to be honest, is kind of a gross mindset - if someone isnt interested, they arent interested).

also, uh, the TTAZZ where griffin states this, there’s kind of the mention tht the whole sexuality question was posed in relation to the episode “creative thinking” (the dream one i mentioned earlier) - which. uh. i don’t know if anyone caught this, but... rainer straight-up wrote fitzroy a letter in the dream like “are you going to accept my proposal? a girl doesn’t like to be left waiting” which. leaves me with some gross feelings because uh.

if... if the whole thing about fitzroys sexual orientation was addressed here, then why would you push your ship anyway? feels kinda iffy, man.

to which i want to say: fitzroy can date. he’s allowed to date. griffins allowed to do whatever he wants with his character. but when a lot of the flirting is met with nothing, i’m not gonna see the chemistry there. just because travis ships it doesn’t mean it’s canon.

the npcs

ah yes. lets talk about the npcs.

there’s... a lot. a lot a lot. i think travis trimmed down how many were present in a scene, but uh. there’s still a lot. and... uh... i kinda wish there wasn’t?

look, i know im going back to balance/amnesty, but just. hang in there for a moment. chill with me. vibe. 

balance didnt have too many NPCs present at all times in each mini-arc. gerblins had some big names like barry, klarg, gundren, killian, yeemick, and magic brian. rockport limited had angus, jess, graham the juicy wizard jenkins, and all of the tom bodetts mentioned. 

amnestys first arc had mama, barclay, jake, dani, pigeon, kirby, minerva, and that was about it for like. big names? and not all of them were present in each scene. 

in the first episode of grad alone: gary, hernandez, jimson, rolandus, zana, rhodes, buckminster eden, rainer, leon, tomas, hieronymous, higglemas, stuart, jackle, bartholomeus, mulligan, groundsy, germaine/victoria/rattles (the skeleton crew). and those are the ones i wrote down (minus groundsy, who i just. ignores. idk him).

like holy shit, my english prof got onto me for having too many characters in my first chapter and i didnt even have half the amount listed there! 

it’s just a huge cast. does this take place in a school? yes! theres bound to be a lot of students present - but you don’t have to name every single one of them, at least not in the first episode!

the miscellaneous

i don’t know if travis ever actually addressed it, but wheelchair users have actually like... said that rainer’s introduction bothered them, because she was like “please ask me abt my wheelchair :)” when travis saying she was in an ornate chair would have sufficed. 

uh. the colonization vibes people have discussed within the centaur arc. mentioned here, the replies here, and this post (and its replies) here as well.

the overall lack of d&d when the campaign was kind of advertised as a return to d&d if i remember correctly

also no one seems to be taking literally any criticism at all which like. ignoring the petty shit, sure, but people have stopped donating to taz and their listener-ship must have dropped some during this entire time - you’d think that maybe someone could say “we need to find out why people dont like the thing and fix the thing” consider this is. yknow. their livelihood.

anyway uhhh 

tl;dr: travis railroads way too much (even now), the shipping in-game has become pushy and gross (especially bc its shoving a relationship onto an asexual character), theres too many npcs that dont stand out well enough, and no ones taking any criticism about the major issues with grad. 

[sustaiinplus]

3am au ideas with aes !!!!

i kno its been done b4 but like... half life 2. in some timeline where the whole thing concluded and the combine fucking died or sumn i guess?? extreme canon divergence that i will elaborate on

but like. gordon alien. this is assuming he spent a while on xen (like, black mesa remaster xen) and had to eat things he Probably Was Not Supposed To. nd the side effects of that are crazy weird. like minecraft morph mod or somthing

im gonna put the rest of this under readmore

so like minecraft morph mod. gordon has a Time on xen and for some reason starts to rapidly adapt to the ecosystem nd whatnot. basically almost becomes a xen creature?

its like, xen itself is a Living Being that assimilates things into it. all the dead hev guys? zombified if possible, if not suck that into the dirt bro. plant food. so xen tries to assimilate gordon but doesnt manage to fucking kill him before he gets out

and then a whole 20 years later he shows up in city 17 and Boy. boy

when he sees lamarr for the first time its like hes got tunnel vision and hes already got a headache and its just. overwhelming. gordon has to ask kleiner to repeat what he was saying bc what? he has no ears

throughout all of hl2 that constantly happens whenever he encounters xen creachurs and what the fuck why!!! why is this happening??? gordon RLLY tries not to focus on the creachurs and instead just shoots them and guns it asap

until his science brain goes like “hey. hey. what if you like... yknow... experimented with this”

he gives in. and so the next time gordon sees a creachur (at the end of ravenholm. assume one got in with him before the gate closed), he approaches it. this doesnt work out too well since thats literally a fucking fast zombie gordon what you doing!! it tries to attack him for all of 10 seconds before something spooks it and the zombie RUNS. but runs AWAY?? like straight climbs the fence and gets the fuck out of there so fast

this confuses gordon endlessly

so he continues doing this. he walks casually up to every creachur he sees. headcrabs, barnacles, antlions. the headcrabs always screech and skitter away, the barnacles do some sort of... camouflage?? but it gets rid of the rope thing so he’s satisfied, and the antlions... the antlions are overly friendly?? straight up nuzzle gordon’s arms and then zoop away. vyooom

gordon uses this to his advantage

idk where i was goin with all that really!! 

basically just gordon a little bit xen alien. he was already basically an apex predator so thats what xen was trying to shape him into. 

the whole xen assimilation thing is more like trying to populate the place with more creachurs but humans cant really take that? 

it didnt manage to fuck with gordon too much, he just sorta..........xen hivemind access and also some awesome epic lizard time. thatse it i might elaborate more later when its not almost 4am !! im rlly excited about this idea i really like writing this sort of stuff

ok good night tumblr

[gemder]

no readmore sorry, its 3am and im introspective and on mobile (pls like if u read!)

ive been thinking a lot lately about how far ive come and how much further i have to go as my 21st birthday gets closer. ive been on tumblr since i was 14 so a lot of the hardest moments in my life have been documented; my mom's relapse, my cat cheddar's death, the toxic homes both of my parents created, my brother being put into foster care. there is no forgetting my past this way and i dont plan to.

im in a much better place at age 20 than i thought i ever would be. for a long time i didnt even think id be alive to see 20. im always tried and stressed and overworked now, havent had a day off since april and just started working 6 days a week now that my semester is over, but im not terrified to come home at the end of the day. seeing a message notification from my mom or my brother doesnt put me on the verge of a panic attack anymore. my dad no longer terrifies me, and i dont have to walk on eggshells for fear of how he might react anymore. my debit card doesnt decline when i order off of the McDonalds value menu anymore. i dont have to worry about not being able to afford a single pair of shoes to wear every day. no one shames me for eating anymore, and im coming to actually care about what i put in my body instead of scrambling to get anything at all. i finished high school on my own terms, two full years late, with no "handouts" like my dad still claims. i love what i study in university and actually care about succeeding. i make an effort to go out and hang with friends and participate in life. every night i come home sweaty, tired, and covered in alfredo sauce to a sweet, fluffy cat who chirps and loves to cuddle. my life isnt perfect by any means but it's finally mine and not just a byproduct of everything happening around me.

im still depressed; that was a gift passed down through generations of my fathers family that i was just lucky enough to inherit. but i dont get the urge to down the nearest bottle of pills when something goes wrong anymore. im still stressed; im in college and only 20 and still figuring it all out, but im not raising my brother by myself and trying to check my mother's breath for alcohol all the time. i still live pretty close to the poverty line; but my bills get paid, i keep myself and my cat fed, and i havent set foot in a soup kitchen since i lived with my mother.

when I was 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 and my mother came home drunk every other night. when i was 11 and she was diagnosed with cancer. when i was 14 and 15 and my father tried to kill himself (and again). when i was 15 and 16 and family services tried to remove me from the house. when i was 17 and i watched my father beat my brother one morning before school the day after i almost went to the medicine cabinet to end all my troubles for good. when i watched him move from safehouse to safehouse to foster placement later that year. when therapists asked me what id rather life be like instead (to which my immediate answer would always just be "not this.") this is what i imagined. living in a cozy apartment, studying what i love, spending time with my friends, enjoying the time i do spend with my family, being stressed out and exhausted from my job but not minding so much at the end of the day. this is where i had always hoped i would be and i dont think ive fully taken the time to appreciate that yet.

it really does get better. no matter what you're going through, what you've been through. you've already been through so much, theres no shame in getting help to last a bit longer because you are so worth it. you are always worth it. you deserve so much better; existing alone makes you worthy of happiness. please hold on until you find it.