#I used certain ways to cope when I was young and dumb and secretly traumatized that I do not approve of | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

spade-club · 2 years

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Had a nightmare last night and in typical me fashion, I forgot about it but as soon as I got in my car after work it just crashed down on me what happened and why its. A problem. I havent had a sexual dream that clearly triggered me in a very obvious way in a while. I forget how fucked up it is to wake up and know that theres a part of me thats so used to being treated that way that it hardly registers as a bad dream despite it clearly being distressing. I wish I could make sense of dreams like this, especially considering the severity of them and what they do to me. I have so many suspects for what could have happened to me, isnt that fucked up? I can't trust any of my memories or experiences. My dreams wont let me forget but I dont think I'm capable of remembering, isnt that fucked up? I just want to heal. I just want to be free. I dont want to be afraid anymore.

#there is a sort of healing in understanding I'm not bad for the ways I treated my trauma when I was younger #like. I did morally questionable things that I now understand. I can forgive myself and grow now.#I used certain ways to cope when I was young and dumb and secretly traumatized that I do not approve of #some things that may have even hurt others too.#but I can begin to understand myself and learn and grow and adapt better ways to cope #and I'm glad I have that.#even if I dont understand the what yet. I can try to understand the what next #because I'm not dismissing this shit or blaming myself or minimizing it anymore #I am free to move forward.#optimism?? in my tags?? certainly no.#idk just my brains silly little way of ignoring the problem but its useful sometimes #like now. right before bed. when I shouldnt be thinking about it.#anyway goodnight. wish me luck tonight lol #tw sa #<-forgot to add oops

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