#I am free to move forward.
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Had a nightmare last night and in typical me fashion, I forgot about it but as soon as I got in my car after work it just crashed down on me what happened and why its. A problem. I havent had a sexual dream that clearly triggered me in a very obvious way in a while. I forget how fucked up it is to wake up and know that theres a part of me thats so used to being treated that way that it hardly registers as a bad dream despite it clearly being distressing. I wish I could make sense of dreams like this, especially considering the severity of them and what they do to me. I have so many suspects for what could have happened to me, isnt that fucked up? I can't trust any of my memories or experiences. My dreams wont let me forget but I dont think I'm capable of remembering, isnt that fucked up? I just want to heal. I just want to be free. I dont want to be afraid anymore.
#there is a sort of healing in understanding I'm not bad for the ways I treated my trauma when I was younger#like. I did morally questionable things that I now understand. I can forgive myself and grow now.#I used certain ways to cope when I was young and dumb and secretly traumatized that I do not approve of#some things that may have even hurt others too.#but I can begin to understand myself and learn and grow and adapt better ways to cope#and I'm glad I have that.#even if I dont understand the what yet. I can try to understand the what next#because I'm not dismissing this shit or blaming myself or minimizing it anymore#I am free to move forward.#optimism?? in my tags?? certainly no.#idk just my brains silly little way of ignoring the problem but its useful sometimes#like now. right before bed. when I shouldnt be thinking about it.#anyway goodnight. wish me luck tonight lol#tw sa#<-forgot to add oops
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Sebastian had a few days leave from duty so he visited Eloise😇😇
#im literally OBSESSED with Eloise😩#and this AU😇🙏#they are maybe late 20s/early 30s here I wanted to experiment a bit#anyways I was reading A Little Life at the beach today#and ngl I was tearing up literally ALL the time!!! 😤😤😤#it’s just so beautifully written & I find myself relating so heavily and I get gut punches every few pages where I need to stop reading#and just process it#idk maybe I am sentimental today LOL#It’s just…it’s making me think about the fact that I’ve never really Belonged in any one place and neither have the characters#my mom is the product of Bulgarian/swedish immigrants to the US and my dad is a Spanish pueblo man 😂#and their experiences/culture/languages etc etc have shaped my life soooooooo much🙏#but like at the same time. too reserved to truly fit in with the Spanish but too open/blunt for the midwest#idk it is weird to explain#anyways I just keep moving forward & make my own way🙏🙏🙏#thank you for coming to my free Therapy Session in the hashtags (bc nobody reads these😂😂😂😂)#also if you did & you also read a little life please🙏 or if you want to talk about books in general🙏🙏#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy fanart#hphl#sebastian sallow#hogwarts legacy mc#hogwarts legacy oc#eloise#oh also this is a recreation of a Porco Rosso scene😇😇🙏🙏#but I changed the colors a LOT & also a bit more when I sketched it up
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i feel like i’ve been WAITING for the other shoe to drop wrt people’s opinions about watcher for this very reason. not that i think the reaction is completely not understandable but the greater the parasocial relationship, the greater the fallout as soon as public opinion shifts. you don’t have a relationship with these people they’re just content creators, chill
#ready to see all the people coming out of the woodwork to say how they’ve never liked watcher/unsolved/etc#and act like it’s ‘cringe’ now that their fanbase feels ‘betrayed’#it’s great to have a fanbase but parasocial relationships will bite you in the ass every single time#it’s interesting too though because i’ve seen watcher have a LOT of support as they’ve tried to build something separate from buzzfeed#so this is the first time they’re getting real pushback about a decision they’ve made wrt shifting their platform/expanding their brand#so ig we’ll have to see how they react moving forward#but it’s soooo interesting to see how enthusiastically people dump on buzzfeed#AND how many people dump on youtube and how over the years so much of its functionality has been stripped away#how many ads you have to sit through. how much sponsored content there is now. etc#but when they try to do the same thing with youtube that they did with buzzfeed it’s like how dare you not lick their boots#because if you lick their boots and we lick their boots we can watch stuff for free#anyway.#even if you don’t any to say it’s a bad business decision. it’s not like there’s not precedent for it#1) the move away from buzzfeed was successful and 2) what about the dnd shows or whatever#don’t you guys watch those dnd shows that are ‘behind a paywall’#don’t you guys have netflix hulu disney hbo amazon etc ad nauseum that are actually owned by billion dollar corporations#don’t you guys get on your high horses about supporting independent artists all the time#it’s interesting that people will profess to be such big fans!!! and feel like they’re friends!!!!#but how dare they think their work might be worth paying for#idk. idk. it’s entitlement though#sorry for the rant i’m ALSO not trying to blindly defend a bunch of people i don’t know#but you guys are being soooo fucking annoying about it lol#anyway i’m still waiting to see what their response is going to be from here before jumping to conclusions#also to be fair i am biased to be lenient about decisions made by independent filmmakers vs big studios etc#like everybody freaking out about the ai art used in late night with the devil. who cares honestly#‘they should’ve paid a real artist!!’ idk maybe their budget didn’t cover that#i don’t want it to become the industry norm but at the end of the day i would rather see indie shit getting made then only seeing#the big studios (who don’t have equitable practices anyway!!) making shit#but that’s another conversation. just to be transparent about my viewpoint on this kind of thing#maybe controversial but also can’t we have nuance. for once.
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made a scary phone call and now i have a great day lined up
#well i actually made the scary phone call last NIGHT but it didn't work out#i had to ask to move my shift half an hour forward bc yesterday my dad got free tickets for a play#and i can make it earlier to work after school than usual#and i can only make it to the play if i leave work a half hour earlier#so same 3 hours just yeah shifted#anyway last night i got a smaller manager so ig he couldn't sort it out but now i got ahol of the store manager#and he said it's fine so woop woop#i also woke up a bit late and made myself an amazing lunch but i am on time for school wahoo#i had to run to make my bus tho and i mean i wouldn't say it was NARROW but i was probably susceptible to#being hit by a (slowing to a stop) car at one certain moment. however i was fine#ok it wasn't that bad the car stopped at rhe intersection BEFORE i reached it and ran around it so like. its fineee
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okay I severely misjudged spaghetti guy he’s actually just really cool
#okay so I came to this flat and he wasn’t here. greeted by a very dirty flat with shit all over the kitchen counters over cling film#I meet first my other flatmate who told me he stays in his room constantly bc of previous bad flatmates#has literally just a saucepan and some salt in the kitchen. so I’m like okay spaghetti guy potentially not great but could just be#how this guy is yknow#on Tuesday I get an email back saying he’s coming back from Norway tonight looking forward to seeing you feel free to use the kitchen sauces#rlly friendly message that I wasn’t expecting. I also didn’t know he’d been on a trip i just knew he wasn’t there bc his door was open#(to a REALLY nice room. multiple rlly nice plants (which he has little care labels for!!!) and it’s tidy and pretty#and he’s got a sheep teddy on the bed)#meanwhile I am in my own head bc I don’t wanna cook in the kitchen until I can clean it and I can’t clean it without moving his shit and#I haven’t seen him yet to talk abt it and I can’t bring myself to talk to him immediately bc I’m dying#and embarrassed as hell by how I’ve been cooking in my room with a microwave and air fryer (loud) and sneaking my shit out of the kitchen#but then yesterday I DO talk to him!! and he’s super friendly!! actually interested in having a conversation and Good at it.#and then he’s cooking and like. spaghetti burns but I’m not there for long and seems to be a mistake (he made the same thing for lunch today#and did Not burn the spaghetti) and is otherwise clearly competent bc the food smells Good and despite leaving a few things out it’s like#washed up stuff isn’t dirty and the sides are better despite still under cling film. more a case that he’s spread out than he’s messy#and now today we talked and i offered to hold onto some shit over summer bc complicated situation that boils down to he’s flying back home#and he cant take all his stuff and had to choose between chucking stuff/having literally nothing this weekend. like sleeping on the sofa etc#and then cleans the whole flat?? which I’m assuming a good chunk is his mess? but he did not need to do that. could’ve easily left#bc there are two people still living here who would’ve had to deal with it and he doesn’t know either at all#and THEN tonight we talk abt food which is fun bc we both ordered stuff. and he offers me some honeydew melon bc he’s been gorging himself#these past two days to finish it before it goes bad/he leaves which is also really sweet#and JUST NOW. I take my headphones out after finishing dinner and hear the sweetest fucking guitar#he plays the gentlest like dreamy sounding acoustic guitar I’ve heard in my life in his room (door closed by the time I leave)#this is actually just a really cool dude#now that the kitchens clear I’m gonna cook tomorrow and will probably offer him some bc otherwise he’s gonna be eating out all weekend#he has extra takeout for tomorrow night but might want smth Sunday#regardless I am just. huh??? left a bit stunned bc of the u turn my opinion of this guy has taken. bc my opinion of him was a reflection#of my discomfort moving to this weird dirty basement flat with two people I didn’t know#well. idk where to go from here. I think I’ll start by talking to him more this weekend. bc holy fucking shit.#luke.txt
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I managed to get some replies out before I forgot how to write Jade omfg I am so happy but I'm still kind of on hiatus until mid-April at the very least.
#𖦹 ⋆꙳ ⁄ ooc.#// making adult decision is taking me all of my brain cells#// adulthood is a scam i swear to god#// career choices; social choices; financial choices; and how to move forward from where i am at the moment#// i wish we came with a guide on how to live life stress-free
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Sorry to beat the dead horse I live in lately but I'm so tired. A break from social media probably could help. If I figure out how else to occupy my time doing absolutely nothing. It's what I say every fucking day. Just wish I had friends. People my age around here to talk too. Even younger. Anything. I'm so fucking lonely. I love everyone I talk to online, I have meaningful connections with so many of you but I also haven't had meaningful conversation IRL in idk. Years probably. I haven't seen any of my old friends because we moved and I had to isolate myself because no one really wanted to hang out with me or could get here. And I really don't do anything, I can't be stressed. I can't be depressed I can't. I can't. I can't. Just like every adult in my life says. I don't know. I just wish I could actually see it's going to get better. Be better for me
#this is everything I've already said. I've never seen a future that has me in it. 4th grade cemented that fact for me. And I've been living#it since. I just don't know anymore#I missed out on so much and I'm so stupid. I am. I don't bring anything to the floor. I don't have any skills. Nothing worthwhile. Nothing#meaningful. What do I bring to the world except another useless body? Some sick animal left at the back of the pack to be killed off so#everyone else runs free.#nothing's working out for me. nothing's clicking into place. no opportunities. everyone's moving forward and I'm stuck behind. and it's#probably for the better isn't it? if I just fade out from everyone's lives. just stop. it hasn't gotten better no matter the effort I put#forward or the risks I take or anything.#one step forward five steps back and i fell and tumbled down the steps and i broke something and my stairs are icy and everyone else has ic#spikes. and their steps are an escalator. They're buckled in taken up. and mine are crumbling and overused and been here too long and it#just isn't ever going to be better is it? not for me. not ever.#generational trauma is a circle and i need to self cannibalize to end it. drink my own blood to rid myself of what isn't right.#no rebirth. no salvation. just an end. there's nothing to save.
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Having a totally normal one* after waking from a dream where I just relive life with my ex. It was so normal and fine and we did things such as lay around in bed and make plans for the day, go to the Korean supermarket on the corner, go to a friend's house together.
#*if it were in the evening i would be drinking enough to finally drink dial and just fucking ASK all the questions i am making up answers to#what did you want? what do you want now?? honestly could you find it in your heart to hate me and never wanna see me again?#because me saying 'i don't think we should talk for a while' and you saying 'id really like to be friends' are obviously Not It#omg im going to spend my birthday alone for the first time....nearly ever and im just going to go to work and be miserable#i havent been able to stop chewing on the idea of me visiting when i head down to see the fam for christmases#i want him to want me back sooooo bad!!!!#i still think about that dream where i made him pasta#would i take him back? depends on what he said#as much as im pathetic im not an idiot and id need clear evidence to show that he 1. knows what he wants (involving me) and#2. is going to ask for it#because i don't think i ever heard him say a single thing about what he wanted for our future#never said 'hey i want to see you when are you free for me to come up?'#is probably fucking dating now anyway and doesnt WANT me to remember him on new years (our best guess anniversary)#or ask to call because i want to ask questions that will be hard to answer#when all ive ever wanted is the TRUTH#not the strategic answer just the gods honest truth#and i suspect that is 'i dont want to date you i havent for a while i didnt know how to stop or what i wanted instead'#and then i could go home break every object in ny house and move on#try a dating app ot something else to attempt to look forward instead of back#so as you can see -totally normal one
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#to translate this post: someone liked this post i made (on the upper left) on AUGUST 28 having a moment of self awareness that i was running#away from my whole life and not moving or learni ng to drive or anything. it is now march 8. it has been almost 7 months. and i have made#basically zero progress. and there is nothing stopping me but me. i could read the drivers manual and whatever whenever i want. but i am not#doing anything. and i don’t know how to get myself to start.#purrs#i know it’s a cop out excuse but i truly do think it’s covid. i think being in lockdown for a year and a half made me just let go of any#sense of progress. made me scared to take steps forward. and i mean i did bc i lived on campus for a while after that but it’s like.. EVERY#part of my life is stagnant rn it seems. and it’s not just me it’s my siblings too. we’re all getting older but none of us is trying to move#out or gain our independence in any way and my brother isn’t even looking for jobs even though he needs one. we’re all just getting older#but we’ve lost (or maybe had knocked out of us by covid and our mom being so strict) any sense of moving ipward and spreading our wings.#forgotten we have wings at all. and ive done important things like going on a house tour or traveling with my besties (<3). but i have only#made it to page 8 of the drivers manual and i truly do not want to read the rest of it. i have only been on one house tour and im longing to#move out but how much am i really because i can’t bring myself to schedule another tour and start searching for a new home in earnest.#i just come home every day UTTERLY exhausted and spend all my free time trying to process or rest. and im not making room for myself to use#my wings. and it’s truly terrible. why are we all okay with living like this. my younger self would be HORRIFIED if she saw how much i had a#atrophied since graduating and moving back home. my brighton self would be HORRIFIED. i told myself i wouldn’t and then it’s exactly what i#did. and ik im being harsh and ive spread my wings in some important ways during this time but… these are so obvious. such low hanging#fruit in some ways. bc any 16 year old can take this test and pass it so why can’t i at 24? why won’t i let myself? dont i want a nice cozy#home i make my own where i can eat what i want and sleep when i want and have control over sounds? then why am i not running for it?#delete later#i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 my one precious life 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃#also LMFAOOOOO the next tag on that aug 28 post was that i need to get a new campus id card… guess who hasn’t done that either ♥️
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Hi! I’m not the same anon you replied to about the settle our bones, and I’m not sure if you want to hear any other comments rn, but I wanted to say I really love all your fics but that one specifically!! I love reading sick fics, and I couldn’t care less if it’s the same thing over and over (although I don’t think your fics are like that!). So I guess “realism” never really bothered me in sick fics lol. Tbh I really like the comfort aspects of sick fics that I feel you capture really well. I really should’ve sent something like this earlier; I hope you do continue the series, but only if you want to!!
I appreciate you, thank you 💚
#It’s been a couple weeks now and I’ve done some thinking#and a hell of a lot of rambling to friends#so sorry guys#and I think I’ve come to accept that since this series is hurt/comfort focused#and since sickfic is ultimately my favorite form of hurt/comfort#and since I am the author and I’m writing for my own enjoyment in my limited free time#that Tim is just going to get sick a dissporportionate amount#and that’s just going to have to be the price of admission#like I’m still going to try to tell a cohesive narrative and move the plot forward#but at the end of the day I like sickfic and I feel like there are a lot of different themes that can be explored via sickfic#and so I’m going to use that as my vehicle to tell those stories#because it makes me happy#and that’s that#as I say all of this I have a 10k sickfic that I’m just wrapping up the ending to now for SOB#which got kinda put on hold due to a crisis of partly personal crap I was dealing with#and partly 5 separate people in a very short period of time gently ribbing me for making Tim sick all the time#which you know is fine when I know the person and I have a relationship with them#and is a little harder to deal with when it’s anonymous strangers online#poking fun at how unrealistic a project I put over a year of my life into creating was because no one pukes as much as Timmy does lmao#but at the end of the day#I can’t change what other people think or what they say#I can only decide what I want to do and how I want to interpret what they’re saying#anyway I’ll stop rambling#it’s just been a Journey lately ya feel haha
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#went round to the SAME friend's house today and had the conversation i've been needing to have i think#feeling much better for it#the grief is still there but it's much less complicated i think? there was a layer of disappointment and hurt about old things that i was#only just starting to discover were there and had absolutely no idea what to do with#(i am pretty self-aware about what's actually happening for me but not always good at knowing what to do with that)#and she really helped me to name it and identify where to start moving forward#and also to move some of it out of my locus of control - i tend to think everything that happens is in some way my fault or if i was#different it wouldn't have happened#and she said actually it sounds like maybe x made a mistake which hurt you and you need to forgive her#and lots of things are coming free with that statement#so the grief is obviously still there. and the hurt's still there but it's cleaner somehow. easier to hold.#at last for the day#thank God for wise friends#(best friend's family/friends are everything happens for a reason people and i hate that tbh)#rowena adventures#feeling honestly much better for this
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#i try not to be surprised by the trash fgo gives me in gacha but i cant help but still be upset XD i hate it here. i wish i can stop playing#but i also hate missing events and log in bonuses....im only moving forward because of#story i love the characters but this game is just :)))))))#this is my 49053806th complaint about this game why am i not leaving indeed#i mean i took hiatus one time and it was freeing to forget about the fate series lol#but i got sucked into a black hole and now im struggling to get away from it kdfbhliwefb#ive cried over not getting merlin every banner he got....its just sad that everyone i know has him#meanwhile its taking me literal years to get him#i hate the dont worry youll get him soon! phrases...yes well im jealous and youre not frustrated#as i am#i hate hate hate hate spending money on anything gambling related but uhhhhh shrugs#i wish gacha a very die out soon please#everytime i realize im spending money on voiced jpegs its funny but then theres the serious matter for my psychological needs and stability#to keep me sane haha#i hate it here its not healthy for me its a toxic relationship between me and this game and i need out...#but romani and the story.... i love them too much to leave....#what to do...#i kind of hate talking to friends who whale too and yes im a hypocrite but wow you whale at least you get him meanwhile i spend dollars#on trash and useless crap thanks#[oh dont worry youll get him soon] then they add a smiley face i just wanna wrap my#fingers around my neck and end it allllllllllllllll
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#hello tungl please ignore this i need to vomit words#I am struggling so hard right now with trying to keep myself moving forward#ive been having consistent panic/anxiety attacks nearly every day#and im starting therapy and i just started meds but its so fucking HARD#my workplace is driving me so actually crazy and idk how much longer i can work at my current job#ive been a phone cs rep for a large athletics company of no name for nearly 2 yrs#and people are so ridiculous and rude about it#asking for discounts for no reason asking for free shit#i know we're all struggling financially but god damn PLEASE stop taking that out on the customer service workers#i make $13/hr#i make 22000 a YEAR#its not worth it but i cant quit because i need the insurance and the money#and i cant find another job#im about 2 seconds away from begging my boss to fire me since my parents wont let me quit#but I dont know how much longer i can deal with this before I actually go berserk#i had a customer crying because her order was cancelled by our system#AND THE WORST PART IS SHE'D CALLED IN TWICE AND HADNT BEEN TAKEN CARE OF#half of my coworkers dont know how to do their jobs and im so sick of cleaning up after people's messes#i got diagnosed with fucking PTSD last WEEK#and im still working despite the fact that it makes me want to rip my heart out of my chest
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So happy to finally move on. The song perfectly describes that feeling. Feels so nice, to be free of all the longing, the hope and the pain. I'm free.
@connectingwithsoul
#love#love quotes#moving on#moving forward#breakup#happy#self love#letting go#freedom#i am free#Spotify#olivia rodrigo#stranger#guts#emotional#romance#wholesome
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To do what I want and to do what makes me happy.
#dadbots.txt#catering this year to purely interests of mines and whatever I’d like to focus on. No excuses. No interruptions. Just putting myself as -#- priority. Something I’ve not done as much and caused too many events and memories to transpire when it could’ve been avoided.#But I won’t make those mistakes and this year will be no different. We’re all getting older and I need to start making the first move -#- in things instead… of putting it off just because. Something something change starts with you. Bad habit of mines.#But I’ll figure it out.#last year has revealed a lot of my predictions to be true and some were needed to move forward. Each one became real in days —#and I’m thankful for that. Spirituality has been a wonderful addition to my life years ago and am still continuing my practices.#I am interested in possibly moving beyond that. But I need to think about it some more and research. But I think it might be obvious#Which path I’m learning towards with what’s been on my mind lately. A goal to keep in mind this year.#I’d like to post my art on here sometime too and currently working on allowing my creativity to take me wherever it decides to go.#Messy sketches. Random poetry and lines on pages. Whatever. It’s so freeing to not care anymore tbh. To just have fun and be myself.#Not that I haven’t yknow. In everything I do is all based on my own choices. But sometimes you have a voice that is a killer of all choices#Don’t do this. Don’t do that. It’s not worth it. So forth. And I hope this year we can all break free of that guilt. Be free and explore.#This year… I am hopeful for better results and experiences. Peace and love. 🤞🏽
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I've had a lovely four days off work. I don't really want to go back tomorrow, but the idea isn't intolerable. I finished reading a book, started a new show, had a few really good meals, did a bunch of online shopping, caught up on sleep, painted my nails, went to the lake, went on a few good walks, and stayed sober through it all
#i am so bored of sobriety#i want weed#and alcohol#and hookah#next year when im not sober anymore I can start doing these things with my new step dad and do it responsibly#instead of binge drinking and spending too much money on weed every week#it's something i genuinely look forward to#my brother moved out with an attitude this week#well he got kicked out really#mostly because he smokes so much weed he's lost all lister for life and won't job hunt or anything#so now he's living off meager savings in some motel situation#i feel bad for him but it's not like my mom had a choice after all these years of giving him every chance under the sun#she's like I think he has depression#well no shit#mostly I can't believe he's choosing weed over a free place to live
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