#I was 17 working two jobs and in high school while this grown woman had 1 job and we lived together

[horizon-verizon]

What is people’s obsession with infantilisation ? Seriously asking. A 23 year old grown ass woman who was fully aware of every decision that she made, including carrying 2 children and marrying someone 7years her senior. It’s not like a 50 years old teacher/boss having a relationship with his 20 years old employee. Acting like Joe forced her into marriage and having children as if Sophie is not her own person with her own wants and needs like this is a completely unheard of set up.

When we consider specific modern age gaps, the best way to look at them, in my opinion, is to:

remember when the couple met/what age they were when they met

the dating histories of the respective person in the current relationship: how old were their partners and is there a pattern or a few suspicious stories?

People have very different "base" abilities to self advocate or self sufficient/defense levels at 19 vs 26 in the U.S. or England.

remember that 18-20 yr olds are not always that mentally that far from under 16/17 yr olds. (Put aside the "brain is not totally formed until 25" thing, it's useful but not a damning piece of information on how to judge relationships bc what if there was a 25 yr old and a 23 yr old? And we, as a society in the U.S., allow 18 yr olds to go to war [there aren't any age limits to actual combat] but not to drink). And no, I still wouldn't like/recommend a 20 yr old meeting and then having a relationship with a 16-17 yr old to be on the safe side. A 20 yr old still has more experiences they could use against that 16 minor--the potential is larger. There's a line (the legal age of 18) for a necessary reason: to lower the likelihood/make punitive abusive behaviors made easier from a power imbalance. even if that line/"arbitrary" age of majority the law notes is itself needing of review (again, that war vs drinking alcohol deal)

So we look askance at age differences when one of the partners is in their teens, even legal teens. Joe made the decision to pursue her almost right after she GoT ended, and she worked most of her teens in that show, not really exploring the world and having kids pretty early in her life. Now there are many people who begin parenthood in the late teens and early 20s who love and care for their kids and still also have a strong sense of self, but some of those people also have the added stress of knwoignhow to develop that balance in their lives that they wouldn't have had to do if they hadn't had kids that early. Some people are just beginning or trying to maintain having a job to self sustain, and having a child at this moment is going to be another stressor and pressure. And some are living poor or under the poverty line. They all have to "answer"/find out how they can parent while still learning things about themselves and their own emotional limits.

Therefore, it's case by case basis when we're looking at age gaps when both are over 18, but one is a bit too close to 18 for comfort. Even with the other not hitting 30 yet.

Now that I pointed out why it's a case by case thing WHILE ALSO it merits the suspicion it invites, let's look at the case of Joe and Sophie. Joe, as an individual with a history of having pursued a 13 yr old while he himself was 19 (Gigi Hadid), has already shown himself not "weird" (the ages make this word an understatement) but actually predatory. Again, he made the conscious choice to pursue a girl who would be in her 1st yr of high school or final year of middle school. Could still be playing with dolls. He did some work for it. No one arranged them together as if this were a noble marriage of alliance between two families out of the married persons' control. We (some Westerners, those with governments having laws against such things, and societies where women and girls are allowed some sort of room to pursue education and careers and make an independent living) are not in a society(ied) where a 16 yr old being paired with 30 yr olds for property is considered practically necessary or morally correct. Because we come from critics and activists that came into the mind that said girl/child should not be so exposed to sex, parenthood, etc. AND again, our economic infrastructure/the stakes are less...female autonomy-denying. Or at least want to be, and has placed the focus on women and children's desires and needs when "before", these were subordinate.

You might counterargue, "Sophie was over 18 when they married, she was a legal adult, not 13 (or under 18) like Gigi". First this shows you did not listen to me when I already talked about teens above 17 yrs of age. Second, the second an adult (18+) consciously pursues any person below 18, they reveal that they prefer younger partners over those their own age or around that. As to why, it could be that they feel "younger" themselves, bc they find it thrilling in a "other coin side" of way of thrilling that the "desirable" partner finds then attractive in a economy and society that places such desirability on youth/undesirablity on age already...or it could be that they like idea that they could have more economic power over the younger partner. Which is why it invites suspicion and concern; onlookers simply do not know for sure until other details and a pattern come to light.

Now since Joe decided to have a 13 yr old was anyone's idea of a proper sexual/romantic partner, the suspicion should not/is not suspicion anymore, it is a certainty. A certainty that this guy wants a younger partner bc he feels he has more actual, substantive control over them and what they do in terms of very personal decisions they should be making with as little selfish "guidance" as possible. After all, wtf and htf is a 19 yr old supposed to have a true relationship with a 13 yr old? What life are they supposed to have together that any 13 yr old would be ready for? Joe wasn't and isn't such an idiot to not be aware of this being a problem for a 13 yr old, so why pursue at all?

That was his history, and it is important bc it reveals his character and the material to know he has a lot of misogyny for reasons I already stated. It provides context for how he and his PR team is spinning their narrative against Sophie. What reason he has used to say that she is the bad person/parent. Like I said about the maesters and Rhaenys/Visenya/Rhaenyra HERE and HERE, it's about public perception using already-debated and misogynist ideas of womanhood, and parenthood, esp motherhood. His history shows that his pursuing Sophie when she was a "new adult" and himself already well into adulthood shows he's not into younger girls for innocuous reasons.

Again, it's the dating history of Joe, Sophie's ability to live on her own by her own determination as an adult before she met Joe, and the ages Sophie/Joe met before marrying and having kids.

Now 24 yr olds with 30-40s, I don't particularly care unless the older person is like from a prominent family or exponentially wealthier. And by country, of course. Which further drives the "case by case" deal.

EDIT/ADDITION:

From Tiktok, I found out that joe would be making a smear campaign against Sophie no matter what he did or did not do, no matter custody battles, etc. because he and his entire family are evangelical Christians who do not believe in no-fault divorce. Apparently, the idea is that "they made a promise to God, they broke, there's a bad guy", so someone has to be blamed for the separation.

And so if there is no obvious villain, as in infidelity, abuse, things like that, there has to be someone who gave up earlier. There has to be someone less involved. And so all of these rumors about Sophie Turner partying and being in the UK and way from the kids, all of this slant that's happening against towards her is to make it look like she gave up and she quit on the marriage so that when he gives up and quits on the marriage it's not because he wanted to it's because she had no choice.

[thedigitalpen]

My 10 favourite... beefcake animes!

Okay yes, I realise that this is a rather weird title. I had originally thought to call it something along the lines of my favourite martial arts or fighting animes, but because the animes don’t always fall into that category, I decided to call a spade, a spade (or a beefcake, a beefcake) and admit that, most times sometimes, I just enjoy animes with muscular guys in them. That’s not to forget the ladies though because some of these shows also feature some rather muscular ladies in the mix too. So there’s something for everyone!

So, in no particular order (because the genres are sometimes different so making comparisons wouldn’t be fair):

1. Street Fighter series.

Hardly a surprise considering that this is a series that has a legacy firmly placed in the gaming world. Although you don’t really need to know who’s who in order to watch these shows, it doesn’t hurt to know a little about the characters before you jump in - mainly because the creators assume that those who watch it are fans of the show. Expect a fair amount of fighting (the name gives that one away), lots of bromance (Ryu and Ken 4eva!) and the eternal fight of good vs. evil (which is usually the plot of every show/movie)! Even if you aren’t familiar with Ryu & co., the show won’t lead you astray so you can watch without worry. Oh and let me just say - Chun Li is ma gurl! If you want to see a woman that’s not only beautiful but can also kick your ass, then watch these shows - especially Street Fight II the movie! 

2. Hajime no Ippo.

One of my most favourite sports animes of all time which tells the tale of Makunouchi Ippo and his rise up the ranks of the boxing world. He starts off as a kid that just wants to get stronger so that he can fend off the bullies who harass him. Sick of his weak self (and after a couple of incidents here and there), Ippo joins a boxing gym, starting from scratch and going through basic training. His coach sees his potential and helps shape Ippo into a power boxer who fights head on and never backs down from the fight. Throughout the series, we get to know the other boxers in the gym as well as the competitors that they face, and we watch them battle it out in the ring. It’s a story with a great balance of sports, a sprinkling of slice of life (well, the life of a boxer) and comedy. And, of course, boxing boys come with boxing bodies... and I’m not complaining! And if you enjoy this and want more, try either “Ashita no Joe” (old school classic) or it’s more recent spin-off, “Megalo Box”. Oh and in terms of strong women - no one beats Ippo’s mom! She’s a powerhouse!

3. Baki the Grappler.

More of an MMA vibe with this one - it’s about a kid (he’s like 13 when we first meet him) who has been raised to be a fighter since he was born - his mother gets him the best trainers and equipment money can buy. He eventually feels like he’s outgrown the traditional training method and starts to find other ways to become a better fighter, which includes following his fathers footsteps - training the same way he did and with the people he did - and taking on some of the other fighters he meets along the way. After an altercation with his father (using that term rather lightly), Baki’s path eventually leads to the underground fight scene where challengers can test their strength and face off against each other in an anything-goes type of fight, using whatever techniques, power and skills they have at their disposal. And Baki’s ultimate goal? To defeat his father! It’s got some family drama as the foundation, but when it comes to beefcakes, there’s no shortage here - even if it is a 17-year old kid looking like a grown-ass man. Oh, best to be aware that (excluding the OVAs) there 3 seasons of Baki - the anime series from 2001 and the 2018 Netflix version which covers the "Most Evil Death Row Convicts" arc. 

4. Kengan Ashura.

When I first started watching this, the first thing I thought was - ahhh! this reminds me of Baki! And, indeed, there are quite a few elements that are similar. There isn’t any family drama here but there is an underground fight scene where anything goes in terms of fight style. However, the premise here is that the fighters don’t fight for themselves (well, not officially anyway) but that they fight for various companies who settle their business disputes via these types of organised “kengan” matches. It eventually reaches a situation where some of the other businessmen wish to get rid of the current Kengan chairman, and so this chairman organises a huge battle royale for any companies that wish to enter. The prize? The owner of the winning company gets to be the next chairman! This sets the stage for a number of one-on-one showdowns between the various fighter representatives. In terms of background stories, we have two main protagonists and their stories. The one is about a salaryman (turned “CEO”) and his life, as well his relationship with his son, and the other is about a fighter and the vendetta he holds against another fighter for a past incident. Personally, I love the way the fights are presented in this show - not only because of the eye-candy - but because it really does feel like you’re at a grand show! Oh, and unlike Baki, at least most of the fighers are adults.

5. Golden Kamuy.

Bring on the boys! Honestly one of the most entertaining shows I’ve watched in a while (and one where I demand that there be another season at least!) and also culturally/historically interesting too. It’s set around the time of the Russo-Japanese war and follows the story of Immortal Sugimoto - a soldier who left active service and finds out that there may be Ainu gold hidden somewhere in Hokkaido. The only problem is that the map has been tattooed in pieces, onto the torsos of various prisoners, most of whom have dispersed to different areas. Nevertheless, thus begins the hunt for the map! Along the way, Sugimoto meets various people along the way - making allies with some and enemies with others - all of whom are associated with each other in interconnecting ways. And all of whom are working toward one goal - get the gold! It’s a brilliant show that’s got some fighting, some mystery, some espionage vibes, some comedy (some of which is could be considered dark and/or weird) and some feels. It balances it all out and makes for an interesting and entertaining watch. Oh, and let’s not forget - a very enjoyable watch too! Mm mm mmm...

6. All Out!!

Another sport anime here, but this time it’s rugby! As someone from a country where rugby is a staple, national sport, this was totally up my ally! The premise is similar to most other school-based sports animes - a kid who’s self-conscious about his height joins the rugby team and learns to get along with the other boys as he trains and works together with them as part of the team. This is not only so that he can help the team improve, but to also prove his own worth. The team goes through training camps and they play against other schools, getting to know some of the opposing teams’ members and establishing some rivalries along the way. It’s pretty typical fare, but damn are these boys stacked! It’s pretty accurate though since rugby is a contact sport which requires some power (and apparently some short, tight shorts) to get the job done. It’s a light watch, but that eye candy is truly sweet!

7. Tiger Mask W.

From rugby to wrestling! This actually a continuation of sorts to the original Tiger Mask and Tiger Mask II series, building on the legacy and keeping related in the same sphere, but not directly incorporating the older characters. Unfortunately, the original series is hella hard to get hold of but even without it, you can watch Tiger Mask W without much of an issue. So the story is about a guy who had decided to join a wrestling gym and was pretty happy there until the gym was destroyed by another rival gym. Vowing to take that other gym down, he strikes out on his own and eventually joins one of the national wrestling associations, working in their match roster. But it’s all so that he can reach his goal of taking down that other gym by defeating the players supported by them. Enter into the ring various wrestling friends and both friendly and unfriendly rivals (including an old friend - bromance anyone?) and you get plenty of matches, plenty of muscles and some satisfying action! They also don’t forget the female wrestlers, which is a nice touch! Another one that’s light enough to enjoy at face value - much like how you’d enjoy real wrestling too.

8. Gifuu Doudou!! Kanetsugu to Keiji. 

A historical vibe with this one - it’s actually based on the spin-off of the original manga, “Keiji” which was created by Tetsuo Hara. And if that name doesn’t ring a bell, check number 10 on this list and you’ll know who I’m talking about - that’s right, it’s the guy who worked on Hokuto no Ken - and that should immediately give you an idea as to why this show is on the list. It’s a period piece about the friendship between Maeda Keiji and Naoe Kanetsugu - both of whom found their accomplishments on the battlefield. It’s told in hindsight, where they sit together, have a drink or three and reminisce about their younger days and what it took to get to where they are now. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but it was pretty entertaining - especially when you see just how clever these guys were when it came to political maneuvering as well as in a fight. Of course, they’re pretty high in the beefcake stakes so if you like your men manly, then you’ve come to the right era. 

9. Dragon Ball series.

I’m pretty sure that I don’t have to talk about this anime, but in the interest of completeness, let me give you the wiki breakdown about what this anime is about: “The series follows the adventures of the protagonist, Son Goku, from his childhood through adulthood as he trains in martial arts. He spents his life far from civilization, until he is found by Bloomer, a teen girl who encourages him to explore the world in search of the seven orbs known as the Dragon Balls, which summon a wish-granting dragon when gathered. Along his journey, Goku makes several friends and battles a wide variety of villains, many of whom also seek the Dragon Balls.” (source). Of course, this is continued throughout the various series that follow, where Goku has his own family etc. But when it comes to the muscle factor in this show, it’s got it where it counts - everywhere! It’s a classic for a reason so even if you aren’t into beefcake guys, you should still probably watch it if you haven’t already.

10. Hokuto no Ken.

It just wouldn’t feel right if I had to leave this off the list because when someone says “manly anime”, I’m betting that 99.9% of the time most people think about Hokuto no Ken / Fist of the North Star. It’s the post-apocalyptic era and times are tough, with everyone fighting to survive with what little there is on the planet. Some guys want to be rulers, some guys want to be thugs, but one guy just wants to find his fiancee and do what he can to right the wrongs of the world and make a difference to the people he meets. That one man is, of course, Kenshiro. It’s full-tilt action, usually incorporating martial arts through the various fighting styles of the characters - whether it’s Hokuto Shinken, Nanto Seiken or sometimes just brute force and good old hand-to-hand combat. There’s a few female characters here and there who also kick ass so it isn’t completely one-sided, but they usually end up getting saved by the dudes so take that with a pinch of salt. Post-apocalyptic world or not, these guys sure can maintain their physiques. And when it comes time for a fight, you best believe they pull no punches! If you like pure fighting animes where you get to see people explode each episode, followed by the most epic line ever said in anime, then this is the one! 

Honourable mentions.

...because, can we really do without more muscular men and women in our lives?

1. Terra Formars - if you’re looking specifically for that muscular vibe, then try season 1. While I enjoyed both, season 1 had better animation (for me) and they all looked badass when defeating those nasty roaches - both the men and the ladies! 2. Hinomaru Sumo - a sports anime that revolves around a newly formed high school sumo club and the career path of the main protagonist. Informative if you don’t know much about sumo and, as expected, loads of meaty guys aiming for victory and aiming for the position of yokozuna. 3. Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure - another show that hardly requires an introduction and would probably take way too long to explain considering how many Jojo’s there are, but rest assured, the guys are packed, stacked and ready to attack! 4. One Punch Man - if only because there a few characters who fit the beefcake category perfectly, e.g. Suiryu (hello there!), Garou and Tanktop Master to name a few. An anime that’s some parts serious, some part hilarious but always flipping shounen tropes on its head. 5. Sengoku Basara - also, not completely beefed out, but there are a few characters who would make the grade, e.g. Maeda Keiji (dejavu from number 8?) and Oda Nobunaga. Another period anime, based on a Capcom game, that uses a lot of poetic licence to make it an exciting watch with very memorable characters. 6. Free! - “Make us free na Splash! Kasaneta... 👏 👏 !” Swimmers bodies - that is all. If you’ve ever seen a swimmer’s bodies in real life, you’ll know what I mean ‘cos they have muscles in all the right places. A slice-of-life sports anime that revolves around high school boys (who eventually become college boys) who engage in competitive swimming. 7. Air Master - The ladies take over in this one, which is a show that revolves around street fighting and the goal of those various street fighters and martial artists to become number 1 on the Fukamichi Rankings. It’s more of that underground fight scene vibe but the main protagonist is a gymnast-turned-street fighter who takes on anyone who’ll challenge her (man or woman) and usually kick their ass. It’s got a quirky/weird sense of humour to it, but that’s part of why I liked it.

Well, I’m pretty sure that there are other shows that I’ve missed, and mountains of characters who have that A-grade beef, but I tried to choose shows that specifically have that muscular aesthetic as a default setting in the show. Hopefully I hit the mark here, sharing my faves with you, but if there’s some show or character that I absolutely must see, feel free to let me know! Because just like Tanigaki’s shirt, I’m always open to suggestions.

[rosemarie--h]

( zoey deutch. 25. she/her. ) i think i just saw ROSEMARIE  JANE HARMON ride by on a golf cart . at least i think it was them . after all , I MISS THE MISERY BY HALESTORM was blasting on the transistor radio . maybe they were on their way to work , i hear they’re a BARTENDER AT THE WATERING HOLE . but they totally could have been on their way to PLAY PRANKS ON THE MEMBERS. guess we’ll never know . you’ll definitely know its them when you see RIPPED BLACK JEANS, SOUND OF 90'S ROCK AND DILATED PUPILS around the country club . let’s just hope they stay off the green after hours or else the sprinklers will get them ! ( marie. 26. est. she/her. none. ) 

tw: child neglect, tw: drugs, tw: suicide

I couldn’t help myself and brought my old rebel  child back. I just love my messy and broken girl.!

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 Matthew and Stacey Harmon where the epitome of what success should look like. They were a young couple who had come from nothing and mounted to be the most sought-after criminal defense lawyers in the United States. They were known for their poise and ability to handle high profile cases with dignity and discretion. Their clients ranged from high-grossing actors and celebrities to politicians and other government officials. And in the years since their jump into high profile, they had built up an image that both always strived to be. They had to be picture perfect. Perfectly put together. Fit the part of success. So naturally, when they became pregnant, it wasn’t something they had planned or particularly wanted. They tried to keep the pregnancy as quiet as possible, and while they had always had the option of abortion or adoption, for some reason the Harmons had allowed the pregnancy to go full term.

Rosemarie Jane Harmon was born on August 5th, 1992 and unlike most babies, Rose was not held by her mother immediately after birth. In fact, she had been refused and sent immediately to the hospital nursery. The rest of her life followed in similar fashion. Rose had come into her parents’ life as unwanted and unloved. A child ruined the image the stoic lawyers had tried to build for themselves and their practice, especially as child as lively and rambunctious as Rose had been from the start. Rose had probably been embraced by her parents only a handful of times, most of the love she received growing up coming from the Nanny – Elizabeth Green – that had been hired to raise her. But even Elizabeth – the only mother figure she had truly grown to know – was taken from her once Stacy deemed Rose old enough to take care of herself.

Growing up without any love or affection had Rose searching for it in all the wrong places from a very young age. It started off innocently enough – mostly confined to causing trouble at home, just so she could get a flicker of attention from her father or mother but that stopped working, her cries become louder. Living in Atlanta, it wasn’t hard to find trouble. In school, Rose started to hang out with the wrong crowd. Though, the more trouble she found, the less it seemed her parents cared, almost slowly fazing her out of their image.

She was 17 when she first fell from grace. At a rave, Rose stuck her tongue out, letting a tablet be pressed to her tongue for the first time. She’s been after that high ever since. It was the closest thing that she could imagine love felt like. It took her away from the feeling of worthlessness that plagued her because of her parents’ incapability of loving her as parents should love their children. It took her away from the pain of missing her only mother figure who never tried to reach out to her despite promising a young rose she would on the day she was let go. It took her away from the depression that ran through her body despite her refusal to acknowledge it.

From that moment on, Rose lived searching for the occasional high to get her feeling alive again but for the most part, she had it under control, still having a firm grip on reality. But everything began to take a different path when she met Andrew. He was older than her, a good five years. But despite their age difference, they had immediately hit things off and it wasn’t long before Rose had fallen completely head over heels for him. He was the first person she opened up to him about her home life and when Andrew heard of her misery, he had given her the option to follow him to his next destination.

With no family or real friends to hold her back, Rose didn’t hesitate to pack what she could when her boyfriend at the time asked her to run away with him. They hit the road then and Rose hasn’t been back to Atlanta since. When her and Andrew landed in Chicago, Rose’s eyes were opened to a new world – mostly for the worse. He introduced her to a world of endless fun and chemically induced euphoria. It was with him that the dependency for drugs began to really grow. It started off her a tablet of molly here or there, like she had been doing in Atlanta, and before she knew it, she was doing a line in the bathroom of a club.

About a year or so after being together, Rose’s world would soon fall apart. One morning, after a typical night of partying, she woke up to find that Andrew was dead. He had overdosed and she’d been too high too notice. By the time she had woken up, it had been too late. So, Rose got up, called the cops and ran before they got there.

Rose’s already fragile heart was shattered at losing the one person that had loved her in this cruel world. The one person she had loved unconditionally. And the grief fueled her addiction even further. 

From that day forward, Rose lived most of her minutes high or searching for the next dose. It didn’t really matter where the high came from, she just craved that feeling of euphoria, of being alive, of numbness. If it came from a tablet of molly, fine. If it was from a shot of heroin, cool. A mixture of opioids, why not? A smoke of meth- what was the harm? But her favorite way to lose herself was from a line of cocaine. Rose began to live a very nomadic life, travelling where she wanted, making connections as she went, crashing on their couches and starting all over again. There were times when she became so drugged, she would party for days, unable to settle down enough to stop and sleep. She got into fights. Spent many days in stupors, a haze. She wouldn’t have a clue of the reality around her.

Rose was twenty, when she OD’d for the first time and was admitted into rehab for her addiction. After a few months of rehab, Rose was released, and she wasted no time in falling back into her vices. She continued to jump from place to place, never staying no longer than a few weeks at a time. In her travels, she had several relapses, a couple of times causing her to be readmitted into rehab. But sadly, her addiction was stronger than her will live.

That was until she met Finely but Finley is someone Rose never talks about.

If Rose lived in shadowed lands, then Finley lived in other darkness. There was fragility around this woman that had drawn Rose to her immediately. Their initial time was spent mostly just hooking up but it was in the quiet moments that Rose fell. Finley was the other half of her, her true and tragic soulmate. Her star crossed lover. 

There was a part of her that always knew Finley wouldn’t exist on this Earth forever. There was a sadness and exhaustion that clung so tightly to her love and even when there seemed to be a little light that shined through, it wasn’t enough. 

The day Rose walked into their apartment and found that Finley had taken her life, was as expected as it was a shock. She still doesn’t know how long she clung to Fin’s body, sobbing for her to come back before she finally called for help.

Rose has never been the same. 

The loss completely eviscerated her. There was a gaping hole left in her chest and Rose went down a spiral to rock bottom, trying to fill or numb that hole. 

Rose has never been truly sober since that day 2 years ago and while she has gotten her vices under somewhat of control, she still very much relies on them on a day to day basis. Just enough to numb the hurt that never seems to go away. 

When she arrived in Highland at 1 year ago, Rose was probably at the lowest she had ever been. But trying to keep her promise to Finley, Rose has tried to make the best of things. She landed a job at the Watering Hole and has found a apartment to live in with a roommate.

And though every day is a struggle for her, Rose feels that she’s on the right track to turn her life around. Or at least, pretend to.

Important Facts: - Rose has a lot of emotional and mental issues due to her past. Mostly, she has this abandonment complex and she struggles every day with a heavy sense of worthless. - Has been clean for two and a half years. - She still clings to the party scene, though she now stays away from illicit substances, she has no issue with throwing back a few shots. - Rose hasn’t been in a relationship with anyone in about 2 years and is very happy that way. She doesn’t want to get hurt again. And she isn’t sure she can love again. - Loves animals and often volunteers at the shelter - LOVES cats and wants one but considers herself too unstable to own a pet. - Hasn’t spoken to her parents since she left Atlanta and pretends it doesn’t bother her, but it does. - On her left side, Rose has a tattoo. It’s the quote “without struggle, there is no progress” in cursive writing. - Has lived in Atlanta, Chicago, Nashville, New Orleans, a few other places until she came back to Georgia and settled in Peaches Hollow.

Personality - Rose lives impulsively, acting first and thinking later. - She doesn’t hold back and certainly doesn’t censor herself. Rose is the most straightforward person around and she will tell you how it is, whether it hurts your feelings or not. - Fun is priority in her life. Having grown up so unloved and hidden away in her youth, she is desperately trying to fill that gap in her life. She will jump from club to club, party to party, a shot of tequila in her hands always. Mostly, she is afraid that if she stops, allows herself to feel, every heartache she has ever felt will coming rushing at her. - Attachments are a no go for her, especially romantic ones. She’s fine with hook-ups, in fact she rather enjoys them, but once she or her partner start to develop feelings, she flees. If you don’t let anyone close, you can never be hurt. - Losing Finley broke something inside of Rose and she’s very keen on not giving that part of herself way. She doesn’t know if she can love again or if she has any to give. Most of the time, however, Rose tends to develop friendships with her partners. She’s pretty laid back and goes with the flow which makes everything easier. - Rose is super protective of those she considers close to her and will do almost anything for them. - Once you get past her wit and sass, Rose is the sweetest person you would ever meet, even if she’s rough around the edges. But good luck getting her to open emotionally.

[stars-are-just-ghosts]

Supernatural Isn’t Just A Show

I started watching Supernatural fifteen years ago, just like many of you. I followed the paths of two young men who hunted the evils in the world that the rest of us couldn’t have imagined on a good day. Vampires and demons and monsters. Greek gods, angels, Lucifer himself. The stories were heartfelt and humorous and dark and tender. They challenged us to see that monsters could be good, and being evil was a choice. They brought us into a reality of hope and fighting the whole world if it meant that your family was safe.

That’s what the show was really about, you see. The hunting and the laughter and the dark and everything in between was just the icing on the cake. The real story? That was family. Two brothers who came together and saved the world, again and again. Two brothers who fought side by side, and sometimes with each other, and always for what was right, even if the drawn line was hard to see. Two brothers whose devotion bled into the world around them and brought other amazing people into the fold. Two brothers who grew to have a circle of people who were the epitome of family, because ‘family don’t end with blood.’  Castiel and Charlie and Bobby and Kevin and Crowley and Jack and the list goes on. A list that extended beyond the characters, beyond the actors, beyond the show itself. One that includes you, me... JoAnn and Steven and Jeffrey.

Let me tell you about JoAnn.

Her daughter and I went to school together, a beautiful young woman named Sarah. Over the years I spent so much time at their house and with JoAnn that it was beyond easy to see them as family. And JoAnn became incredibly special to me. My mother and I have always had a strained, tumultuous relationship with very little in the way of affection. JoAnn, however, became the emotional mother I’d never had. We would laugh together (she had a killer sense of humor,) I would call her just to share something or vent (there was never a moment she wasn’t willing to listen,) she was able to hold all four of my babies after they were born (and they lovingly called her Auntie JoAnn.) And I even managed to get her addicted to Supernatural. 

She loved Dean, especially Dean’s rear end. (-wiggles brows-) 

Shortly before her first and only grandson was born, JoAnn became terminally ill and passed away. She never got to see her grandson, or hold him, or watch him grow up. I think about that all the time, especially when I see a picture of him that Sarah has posted. When I’m watching Supernatural, and Dean says something familiar or I remember a moment in the show that JoAnn particularly loved, I think about JoAnn and how much I wish she could have seen her grandbaby. And how much I wish her daughter, the lovely Sarah, could have experienced that, too. I wonder if JoAnn would have shared this show with her adorable little grandson. I miss that woman every day.

Now, let me tell you about Steven.

His father, Steve, is one of my best friends. I’ve known him for over twenty years. And when his three children were little, I used to babysit them. His son, Steven, was born with severe Cerebral Palsy. He was nonverbal, wheelchair bound, and was tube fed. But he was also the funniest, brightest, most happy boy I’d ever met. He had the most brilliant smile, and the greatest laugh. And whenever someone he loved or really liked walked into a room, his eyes would light up like stars. 

When Steven hit adulthood, I would help his Dad out when Steven was at his house. We liked to watch movies and tv shows together. And I offered up the suggestion of Supernatural. It became like tradition after that. We would all be there in the living room, Steven on the floor with his Dad, and we’d watch the episodes in order. It always made me happy, to be able to share that with them. 

About four years ago, Steven became ill, landing in the hospital. While there, his heart gave out. He passed away without ever having finished the show he had grown to love. Since then, his Dad hasn’t been able to watch anymore. It’s too painful. Too hard to think that Steven isn’t there to watch it with him. I understand completely. Because I’ll watch an old episode and remember Steven’s unabashed laughter. And I wish he was still here to watch it with us. I talked with Steve about giving it another try. He heard the show is ending soon, and I think he is finally ready to see it through, to finish it for both himself and his son. Let me tell you about Jeffrey.

Jeffrey has lived in NYC for over 20 years now. He is my big brother, and was diagnosed with different mental illnesses, including Borderline Personality Disorder. He’s still made a life for himself that makes him happy in a place I know for sure I would never survive in. (I’m a small town girl, through and through.) And it was because of my brother that I found out about GISHWHES. 

You have to understand, my brother doesn’t open up to people easily or step out of his comfort zone for just anyone or anything. But in doing this scavenger hunt? My brother walked around NYC in a robot costume, including taking the subway and walking crowded streets. He also wore a bikini made of lettuce, and not once was shy about it. He dove right in and gave it his all in order to help other people, and to this day I am still insanely proud of him for it. 

After everything he went through, from living on the subway for nearly two years (and never telling us) to going from corporate work (which he hated) to doing something he really loved (comic books, baby) to being hospitalized for suicidal tendencies to finally being diagnosed with things he had struggled with all his life but never had taken care of, and finally having a sense of mental health in a new job as a live-in dog nanny, this amazing man is finally happy. And when I think of that, I think of the video of him wandering around dressed as a robot because of GISHWHES.  Now, if you’ll bare with me... let me tell you about myself.

I am a pansexual woman married to my best friend with four amazing children. 

I have depression and anger issues that I have struggled most of life with. 

I have spent a good chunk of my adult life being a stay-at-home-mom and only now am going back to school to learn a new career. I have rescued and taken care of animals since I was 17, something my children have grown to love as well. And I am happier now than I have ever been. But it wasn’t always that way.

I had my best friend die in my arms when I was 12, that being my first experience with death and grief and unchecked anger. And I grew up a lonely kid who spent most of my time hiding how depressed I was, doing everything I could to take care of everyone else in my life, the majority of them never knowing how much I actually struggled with just living. The first love of my life was killed in a car accident when I was 16. My parents divorced when I was 17 and I dropped out of high school, working three jobs just so I wouldn’t be home with my mother. 

I was married to a selfish and controlling man at 18, had my first child at 19, second at 20, third at 23, and divorced at 23 with three small children and no job. I was terrified and didn’t know what I was going to do. Everything was up and down and inside out.

But I have a very clear memory of sitting down one night, after the kids had gone to sleep and the apartment was quiet and I was alone with nothing but my thoughts and the television… and a repeat episode of Supernatural (Season 2, Episode 16 – Roadkill) was on. (Spoilers ahead if you, by chance, have not seen this episode.)

In that moment, I was barely paying attention to it. I was a wreck, filled with guilt and fear. My face was covered in tears, and I was sobbing as I sat there and rocked with a pillow held in my grip (I oddly remember that pillow vividly because it had rough edges.) But as the episode progressed, I began to quiet. I remember listening intently to Sam and Molly as they sat on an old bed in Greeley’s home, looking at the letters he’d written to his wife. 

“It’s a love letter he wrote her… my God, it’s beautiful… I don’t understand how a guy like this can turn into a monster.” Molly said to Sam. I mirrored that sentiment, in my own way. (I know my situation wasn’t the same.) I’d married a man I’d thought I’d loved. A man I thought loved me. But his actions and selfishness lead to the downfall of our marriage, our family, and my (then) situation. But I had been the one to make the decision to end things, right? After everything he’d done, I couldn’t be with someone I couldn’t trust. And it wasn’t just about me… it was about our children. They needed a mother who was happy…

At the end of the episode, Molly is faced with the reality that she has been dead the entire time and that her husband David had already said his goodbyes, moving on without her.

“What am I supposed to do?” Molly asked, in tears.

“Just… let go. Of David. Of everything. You do that… we think you’ll move on.” Sam responded gently.

Isn’t that what I should be doing? I thought. Because by that point, I’d been stuck in grief and fear for months. I don’t think I knew it until that point, but I’d been holding onto it like a security blanket because it made sense, it seemed like I deserved it.

“But you don’t know where…” Molly responded, her voice still soft with tears.

“No... Molly, you don’t belong here. Haven’t you suffered long enough?” Sam asked. “It’s time… it’s time to go.”

I sat there in stunned silence. 

As odd as it sounds, it felt like he was talking to me. Because for years I’d tried to keep our marriage together because I thought I had to for our children. For years, I’d practically raised those three children alone. For months, I had sat in a holding pattern, waiting for my shoulders to finally break under all the weight from the failure I felt and the misery I was drowning in, doing everything I could to be a good mother with nothing to fall back on. But then I watched Molly walk into the light, tears streaming down her face, a smile ghosting across her lips, and I realized… I really had suffered long enough.

“You really think she’s going to a better place?” Dean asked after Molly moved on.

“I hope so.” Sam replied.

“I guess we’ll never know, not until we take the plunge ourselves, huh?” Dean said with half a smirk.

“Doesn’t really matter, Dean. Hope’s kind of the whole point.” Sam said.

And there it was. What I’d been missing. Hope. 

This show, these two actors, those two brothers opened my eyes to something that had been right in front of me the whole time. I didn’t know what the future would bring, I didn’t know what I was going to do next. But I was certain I had suffered enough. I was certain I needed to move on, for my children, for myself. And as the episode ended, I wiped my tears off my face, shut off the tv and kissed every one of my sleeping children a few dozen times. And I went to bed thinking about the depiction of that light, that hope.

Two years later, I married my best friend – the love of my life, a good man who never lies, never hurts me or my kids, lifts me up when I feel down, makes me laugh every day, treats me far better than I will ever think I deserve. We had a baby boy together, bringing our family to a total of four amazing kids who all call him Dad. We have our own home which we work so hard for, we have a plethora of animals who make every day adventurous, and I am finally on a career track I feel excited about. All because I decided to stop living in my suffering, and move on.

That is why this show is not ‘just a show.’ For me, anyway. Because of JoAnn and Steven and Jeffrey. Because of the hope I found with the show itself. And I know I am not alone in at least this sentiment.

Every season since, I have watched the episodes. I have followed the stories and witnessed the amazing things this fandom has done for each other and complete strangers. I have seen people’s lives changed by the show and the actors, I have been able to connect with other people I never would have known, and get closer to those I already did. I have shared this series with my children, who all love it and the main characters as much as I do.

And right now, as we get near the end of the series, I am not ashamed to admit that I am hurting. I feel a genuine heartache. A genuine loss. I feel like a part of my history is coming to a close. But like at that moment when my world was inside out and I was trapped in my own little hell, I have hope. 

I don’t know what waits for me. I never have. I don’t know what awaits any of us. But this show will never really die. The connections we’ve made, the way the stories and people have touched us… that never really goes away. 

Whether we watch Supernatural on repeat on a bad day, or follow the actors as they move on to new adventures, or get someone in our life to start watching it, this show will always be around. Just like hope. And… isn’t it like Sam said? “Hope’s kind of the whole point.”

So, hold on to hope. And message me if you’re grieving, if you need an ear from a fellow fan, or just someone to shoot Supernatural memes back and forth with. We’re a family. You, me, all of us. And I’ll always be here for you.

(P.S. I will ship Destiel till the bitter end.)

Love,

QuietDarkness (stars-are-just-ghosts)

[petri808]

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26

*Note and question for readers at the end :)

Lucy’s eyes flashed wide as her emotions swung drastically from her own distress to the blood still dripping down Natsu’s cheek. “Shit! Shit! Shit!” She scrambled away from him, stumbling on her knees to right herself as she looked quickly around the room for any fabric. She grabbed a towel off the kitchen counter and rushed back, dropping to her knees as she pressed it to the wound. Tears renewed in her eyes. “Look at what she did, this is so bad! It’s gonna leave a scar for sure! Oh god,” her eyes flit back and forth rapidly from his face to his body, “and your side too! This is so bad!” The tears flowing down her cheeks were a mixture of emotions. Lucy lifted his shirt, flinching, fingers curling into the hem in anger as she sees the jagged wound on the side of his abdomen. If it had gone just a little deeper, he wouldn’t be sitting there with her and that really set her off! “You should’a let me beat her senseless! Look at this! She deserves to be in the same pain she put you through!”

Despite the physical pain, Natsu was trying desperately to keep his girlfriend from losing it again and seeing the wound was only riling her up further. He gently moved her shaky hands away from his side to push his shirt down again. “Lucy, it’s okay, really, d-don’t work yourself up, please? What’s important is we made it.”

“But still! This wasn’t fair!”

“Shhh, baby, it’s gonna be okay...”

“No, it’s not! Stop saying that!” Lucy snapped back. She wasn’t an idiot. She could see the pain in his grimaced features which only made her even more furious. “This will never be over. Those scars won’t go away! I’m gonna have nightmares, I know it! So, don’t you tell me it’s gonna be okay!”

Her emotions were in full throttle mode as she then flailed her bound wrists at the milling officers. “And will somebody get these damn ropes off me?!?!” One of the men cut her loose as she continued to scream and cry.

“I hate her! I hate her for what she’s done! I-I’ve never hated anyone before, but right now I just wanna... I just wanna...”

Still holding onto his side, Natsu used his left arm to pull his girl into a tight hug. He knew exactly what words were on the edge of her lips, but his current priority was calming her down and agreeing would only fuel her anger. “Lucy shhh,” he cooed in a soft tone, “it’s okay, baby it’s okay...”

“It’s not! It’s not!” Once again, Lucy slumped against him as another wave of hysterical sobbing racked her body. It wasn’t okay! She’d been kidnapped and almost killed! Her boyfriend was seriously injured all because Touka couldn’t except reality. None of this was okay! She couldn’t take much more of these roller coaster emotions. Sadness, anger, relief, they continued to alternate in her mind. Leaning back and fixing him in a narrowed and pained glare. “I thought I was gonna die— Natsu I just can’t stop thinking about that! Die, do you understand?!” Her chest heaved with every word. “I was so scared... so scared—,” her hand unconsciously moved up to cup around the front of her neck as if still feeling the sensation of the knife pressed against it. “I-I don’t even know how I kept myself from losing it... I just kept thinking, I gotta get out of here, I-I gotta figure out a way to save myself. And when she raised the knife—.” Her words cut off mid-sentence and eyes drifted to the spot they’d been standing in as if her thoughts halted in remembrance.

“Lucy,” Natsu cradled her cheek, pulling her gaze back onto him, “you are so much stronger then you give yourself credit for.”

She rolled her eyes in an exasperated sob. “If I’m so strong, then why am I crying now?!”

His eyes softened. “Because you can. You did what you had to stay alive and now you can let it all go. Baby, it’s okay to let it out. Let it all out and cry as much as you need to, cause I’ll hold you for as long as you need it.”

Lucy paused her words and simply cried for several minutes against his chest. She didn’t feel strong, and how was he staying so calm?! But oh, how she needed the reassurances. Deep down she knew he was just trying to help, knew what he was saying was the truth, but even if she’d wanted to stop thinking about these things, she couldn’t. The night played out on an endless loop in her mind’s eye. What could she have done to avoid this? Was there anything she could have said to stop Touka? She didn’t know if it was her heart or her head trying to tell her no, that nothing would have changed the woman’s plans. But once the dam had broken, her mind just wasn’t ready to fully let go. It was too angry about everything, even feared just how angry this was all making her feel. Lucy didn’t like it one bit. Ugh! What was Touka turning her into?!

“I wanted to kill her, Natsu... does that make me bad just like her?”

Those words whispered out by Lucy as she rested her head on his shoulder, stunned Natsu, but he could understand the reasoning. In such a heated moment when instincts took over, it’s either kill or be killed and he could admit to himself, if he’d had the chance, he would have done so too. But Touka had proven to be a a lot tougher then she looked. Perhaps the woman was running on the same anger that now plagued his girlfriend? It was perfectly clear how both he and Lucy were going to need therapy after this if they were to get back to a normal life, but he also needed to cling to hope, to make sure Touka didn’t succeed in ruining the rest of their lives.

He kissed her temple. “It’s normal to feel that way, but you’re not a killer,” Natsu reassured Lucy in a soft tone. “That’s just not who you really are.”

His words seemed to work for the time being as the woman quieted enough for the medical workers who’d arrived to start their job. The wound to Lucy’s neck was quickly cleaned and bandaged, but Natsu’s injuries were much more severe. The EMT’s cleaned and stapled the cheek and side wounds, but he’ll need to be taken to the hospital for scans to ensure it didn’t knick any internal organs, as well as to better suture the wounds.

A flurry of more officers had descended to start an investigation, of which Gajeel took the lead. And there was a wealth of information in the apartment to document. As they’d already learned, Touka was a former schoolmate of Natsu from high school who had reams of pictures, print outs from social media, even personal information on Natsu as well as Lucy that they would need to figure out how she’d somehow obtained. The woman hadn’t been kidding about stalking the man for years.

Once the officers had arrived, everything became a blur for Lucy who felt pulled in multiple directions all at once. She was so overwhelmed by the flood of information and experiences that her mind was shutting down, body numbed in an adrenaline stupor. Medical personnel were trying to work on Natsu and attend to her superficial neck wound, while detectives were asking them questions about the ordeal. When they’d tried to separate the couple to interview them, Lucy wasn’t having it, clinging harder to the man so they’d given up.

No, she’d knocked me out, so I don’t know how she got me here. Yes, I woke up bound on the floor. Yes, she’d kept the knife to my throat most of the time. Yes! Most of the time! How long... how the fuck should I know?! She moved it briefly to think! No, I don’t know how long I was unconscious, does it really matter?!

Any strides Natsu had made at calming her down went out the window. Lucy’s whole body was shaking in anger as she cradled her head to block them out. She was seriously about to have a mental break down right then and there. “Can everyone give me some fucking breathing room?! We told you this was fucking serious, but you didn’t believe us!”

Natsu too, had grown frustrated by the pointed and emotionless questioning. Here they’d just been through a harrowing ordeal, and these police offers were victimizing his girlfriend for a second time! He snapped at one of the detectives to stop traumatizing Lucy. “The woman was seconds away from being killed, have some fucking compassion!”

That’s when Gajeel, who’d had his hands full directing everything, finally stepped in and told the other detectives to cool it for now, growling at them to remember they were the victims. “You fuckers worry about collecting physical evidence. I’ll deal with the interviews once they’re cleared by the doctors!” He then redirected back to the couple. “Levy’s gonna meet you two at the hospital, then once the doctors are done, you’ll come to my office for an interview. It’s gonna be rough, not gon’ lie, but I’ll try to make the process as easy on you as I can.”

“Thanks, man,” Natsu expressed a sincere gratitude to Gajeel who simply nodded back and directed the EMT’s to take them to the hospital.

Lucy helped Natsu to his feet and the couple are guided downstairs to the awaiting ambulance. As they pass by the other apartments, it’s obvious the whole incident had drawn the attention of residents or neighbors, who peered through windows or tracked with eyes the couple walking by. It was creepy, irritating, calling upon what little reserves she had to not stop walking and snap. She wanted to scream, mind your business! Till she realized if they hadn’t done so in the first place, maybe someone would have caught onto Touka’s behaviors sooner. Did the woman really have no friends? If anyone had visited the apartment and saw the Natsu collage plastered all over the wall, it would have raised eyebrows in the least. Or maybe... no one cared... it’s not a stretch to think any friends Touka has are just as crazy as she is. Not even the police cared enough to take them seriously. Why? Because it’s just too strange for a woman to be so mentally unstable? Probably chalked it all up to a lovers triangle gone wrong. What if?! What if?! What if?! Lucy’s mind was starting to race again with thought, after negative thought pulsing through faster then she could process them.

Her hand started tightening on Natsu’s as they sat side by side in the ambulance causing him to look over and question her. “Lucy, you okay?” His worried tone growing with each second. Her body was shivering yet tense, head shaking no, eyes wide but glassy, and breathing growing labored in rapid bursts. The EMT sitting across from them watching the events unfold, reached out to take Lucy’s wrist. She flinched but doesn’t pull it back. After a few seconds of silence, the man let go and warned that her pulse was racing.

“Miss, you’re having a panic attack.”

Question for readers below:

There was 4 more chapters planned, but depending on how things play out I may need to add more as needed. While the major things I wanted to hit upon were planned out in advance, I never know where the characters and stories will take me lol.

A question for any readers who see this note is: How much of Lucy's recovery from this ordeal would you like to see or should I delve into? It would lengthen the amount of angst, but also add to the growing relationship and bond between Natsu and Lucy.

Thoughts? Comment in the notes :)

[flow-green]

19-08-2021

 “I think I’ve never had more chaotic year than this one,” I confessed one evening when we drove in a car somewhere. My SO gave me a warm look and I checked to the back seat where my Charlie-baby was sleeping. If somone would have told me year and a half ago that 2021 will be a true turnaround in my life, when I will throw away all the life chains and take full control, I would have rolled mye eyes and gotten back to my endless vicious circle of career. I think ever since 17-years old I have followed the norms the society has set up: graduate high school, sprint through university, meanwhile make sure you work so you won’t get drowned in depts, get a job for your field of interest, in the meantime take some loan for some random house and if you have a moment, please, make some babies. Ever since I was a child, I knew right away: that’s not me. I don’t know what it is that makes me want to break these frames. But, oh well, there is no point to raise my voice for my own good as all the other people around me are nicely stable in the system. Some of my exes are on the same line: if you are not a parent by age 31 and do not own a gorgeous house in the suburbs while paying a sickly huge loan, meanwhile ignoring your family, friends and hobbies to make ends meet just so you could work yourself to deah by age 40, then you are a loser.

Few weeks ago in Saaremaa, while tipping my toes and feet into the warm and comforting waters of Estonian sea, I realized where I have drifted with my life. Only now I have started to realized that, f**k me sideways, I am actually a living human being. A LIVING person. I LIVE.

About 2 months ago, near summer solstice, I finally felt the finalizing ticking in my brain that pushed me gently to the edge of unknown. “Will you?” the life asked and motioned me to jump. “Or will you stay here forever, wondering what’s down there?” And so, with shivering hands, I clicked ‘send’ button on the mail that delivered my resignation letter to my boss. Done. Over half a year full of mental terror and a slow suicide will come to an end. At this point I had insane regrets. How am I supposed to throw away an opportunity and 6-year long career just because I do not want to live anymore? Now you’re probably thinking I am being a drama queen and overexaggerating. Oh, dear god, no. There were days, where everything started to tumble down in one go: my love life, my family relations, friends and work relations. On these days I switched myself and my phone off, listened to some serious melancholic tunes, sat alone for hours or drove around with a car and now, admitting for the first time: I hoped that something will happen and I do not need to live here anymore. I admitted this once also in my therapy, that I have frozen up while driving, not really giving a damn about my leg on gas pedal and about the speed.

I am once again a fat, useless, lazy, clumsy, slow and unorganized. Blessed with sore black eyes, a girl with unstable nervs and flaked nails. And all this just to give myself to a work which does not appreciate any sacrifices I make.

And I did it. This is MY life. My path and my decision, I ain’t going anywhere and even if I do, I’ll go with a smile on my face and as a queen for a day.

Few days ago I realized with full heart that this was one of the most important decisions in my life. I went for a run, as I have started to pick it up again. I went and set a goal to run approx 20 minutes. I had time. No rush. Only responsibility waiting for me was one project to improve a home page of our fresh company, but there was no strict deadline nor a passive aggressive boss-lady stalking my every move and making sure I am around even off-hours. So, my 20 minute run became to a 1 hour run, which was successful, nicely progressive and easy. I enjoyed every minute, because I was present. I had nowhere to hurry. I did not worry about the future or the past. I was just excisted. And I breathed.

I think I have cried more this year than in total for all past years. In my 9 to 5 appartment cubical lifestyle I always pushed away everything that demanded at least some movement out of comfort zone. For exaxmple I always closed in when my ex partner had an idea to do some changes. Well, true, his changes did not comply with my dreams. I did not want to get a huge loan to buy a house and sprint out 2 babies just because ,,Martin and Marge had their second kid in their gorgeous house and Martin is only 1 year older than me.” OK, is nice for them I guess? Every time these silly arguments started to come up, I switched myself off into my safety bubble, all alone. I let no emotions, chaotic situatons to influence myself and I just slowly flew on my laid down path, with eyepatches on. I always knew I want something different. I wanted to fight and be heard. Every time there was a conflict at work, with a friend or family member or with a partner, I eliminated it in the early stages and just ignored the rest.

And when these eyepatches were finally removed, everything else followed. I had no pink glasses or filters for emotons. Real life was there for me, but not always in a bad way. Real life offered everything, you only had to have guts to reach out and take it, with all its plusses and minuses. Take it, dominate, take responsibility, but don’t just float by. Get yourself togeter, notice, do, learn and experience. If not now then... when?

This half of a year has thrown so many obstacles and opportunities on my way and I have caught most of them. I guess one of the most difficult period was spending some insane time at a house in the middle of nowhere, without any water or normal comforts. This has made me appreciate small benefts of our everyday life.

I think I have mentioned this earlier as well, that February and March were probaby the hardest months this year. I was given a challenge to overcome and boy, it was tough. Namely, I got pregnant. As a woman who has never wanted to become a mom due to several and long reasons which I will not discuss today, I was in a cocmplete shock. I felt happy, scared, angry. Why now? Universe has its twisted sense of humour and it turned out that the pregnancy is not carriable for medical reasons and abortion is a must. I did not have a single day to stay home and mourn and endure grief. Oh, no, they needed me back to work ASAP. So I ignored the pain of loss and carried on with even more enormous work tempo to keep up. This period started a chain reaction which pulled me cruelsomely to the edge of the cliff. Work does not sleep, it waits impatiently. Even on these two horrible days I had to go through with the process, I did some work since I had become irreplacable.

All the emotions sealed up just blasted out as soon as some smaller bebble hit my bicycle. I cried hysterically, screamed. There were no days where my eyes weren’t bloodshot and with dark underlines.

In some sort of a sick twisted way I felt good, since I was needed, everything depends on me and I am sure it will get paid off nicely in the end when I have worked until my nose bleeds. In this tunnel vision I did not realize that skipped recovery and unresolved grief had made me this maniacal, delusional self-centered zombie, who lived for her workdays. All my free time I spent worrying about next work day. I did not notice anymore how my mom is doing, how are my friends and what is my partner up to. Every time we went off to one of our van trips I just existed somewhere in my thoughts about how much there is still to do. And it’s even more sadder, that I did not even notice myself anymore in the free world.

“Yea, but how would you go on?” was the main question I was asked when with a shaky voice I admitted that I need to quit my job right now and don’t want to take such responsibilities for a while now, only for myself. Everyone can do it. If there is a will, there is a way.

I am happy that I have at least won almost the entire battle with eating disorder, although I have to admint I am not proud over the inner criticizm about my body, which has grown 8 kg heavier since last summer. This means I still have days I hide under baggy clothes and just wait until these dark thoughts pass. There are days where I absolutely veto going to the beach because ‘it’s cold’. Actually I am reminding myself of that year where I had a killer six-pack, hip bones and tiny bikinies fit me so well, but now I look more like a curvy, slightly soft female not nearly showing signs of being physically active. Although, I am now in that golden zone where my weight is not going up nor down almost at all, no matter how much or little or what kind of foods I eat (plant based always of course). I guess it is positive, my body has found it’s perfect zone, but I--- don’t really like it. This mentality here is something now that I have to work with, with all my spare and peaceful time.

Since 25 July I am (f)unemloyed. And happy. I have made sure that I will be secured, will not be homeless and have food and I have a first step of a plan prepared. Priority for now is to help myself out of this destructive black hole that influences not only me but other close ones as well.

I don’t have black shadows under my eyes anymore. I sleep deep, without any random wake ups, I finally have time and motivation to cook, bake and test out recipes that have been collecting dust since forever. From day to day I get back to introduce myself to my long lost hobbies like kite surf, reading, writing, drawing and yoga.

I have finally startrd to realize that next to me there are people that I love unconditionally and to whom I have shown insanely rude attitude. Have you ever felt that re-falling in love again? I am currently feeling it with tripple multiplications, because I have once again fallen in so much love with my dog, my boyfriend and my hero on this topsy-turvy road, my family, friends and life itself.

I will not even take a glance anymore to that 100 promises I made earlier this year. Life is just so much different with completely new challenges. If anything, then I can mark this time period here as my new and fresh chapter for my life.

[vintage-story-time]

MANHATTAN MADNESS by Chili Peeler

Chapter 1

Jim Andrews stared through the window of the plane as it came in for a landing at LaGuardia. He had never seen anything as impressive as the island of Manhattan; it looked like every square inch of the island was filled with a skyscraper. At 17 years of age, the biggest city he had ever been to had been Des Moines. When his sister, Elizabeth, had written to him and asked him if he wanted to come visit her, he'd jumped at the chance. He felt the same urge as Elizabeth had; to get out of the backwater burg his family lived in back in eastern Nebraska. He admired the way Elizabeth had just tore out one night, leaving a note for their parents that she was going to travel and see what else was out there in the world. That had been 3 years ago and no one in the family had seen her since. Occasionally a postcard would come, addressed to him, from different cities around the country. Chicago, New Orleans, Dallas......but never with a return address. Then, a few weeks ago, a letter. And then a week later, a round trip ticket from Topeka.

The plane was coming in low now over the Long Island Sound. He'd studied a map in the family Encyclopedia Britannia; probably outdated but he doubted they had changed the name of the Sound. He looked over again at Manhattan, still not believing his sister had made it this far from home. Jim came out of the airplane entrance ramp, walking in the midst of other passengers. He moved forward, swinging his head from side to side, looking for Beth. He tried to keep in mind, as he scanned the faces around the gate, that his sister was sure to have changed in the three years she'd been gone. The crowd began to thin away, people meeting their families and heading for the baggage claim. Jim was beginning to feel dumb, standing there with his head swiveling around. "Jim?!" He looked around and there she was - his big sister, Elizabeth. Man, had she ever changed! When she's left, she'd had short brown hair and the fashion sense of any other teenaged girl from eastern Nebraska, namely jeans and T-shirts. But now there was a wild looking girl....no, woman...in tight black Lycra pants, a bright red half-shirt that let her stomach bare and a tan suede jacket with lots of tassels swinging everywhere. Her hair was now blondish, long, over her shoulders with a tight curl. "Look at my baby brother - all grown up!" Beth said as she ran up to him and gave him a big hug which he returned with equal affection. "Beth, man, I've missed you..look at you!" He let her go and motioned to her attire. "You look like a fashion model or something." "What, these old things!" Beth laughed. "When in New York, do as the Yorkers do. Come on, let's go get your bags. I'm sorry I was late...it was hell getting a taxi today." "You don't have a car?" Jim said. "No one in New York has a car. There's barely enough room for the people. You'll see. This the most remarkable city in the world..... Tomorrow I can show you around, do the tourist thing." "Sounds good to me." Jim said as they headed down the concourse. In the cab on the way to Elizabeth's place, they caught up a little on the three intervening years. Elizabeth asked about the old town, the high school, if he knew anything about any of her old friends. Jim pumped her for the things she had seen on her travels, how she liked New York, etc. Beth seemed to want to steer away from the topic of why she hadn't kept in touch with the family more; she would just say that it was probably best for everyone, then added she hadn't wanted to worry them. "So, tell me, little brother, do you have a girlfriend back there?" "Well, I've had my share but I'm free at the moment. Why? You got someone you want to set me up with while I'm here?" "No, I was just wondering. When I left, you were still in the 'girl's are yucky' stage." Elizabeth laughed. "Yeah, well, I came to my senses." Jim smiled as the taxi slowed and pulled to the curb in front of tall brick building. "This is it." Beth said as she opened her door. A few minutes later, Beth was opening the door to her fifth story apartment loft. She walked in and hit the lights as her brother carried his case in. "Holy shit! This place is great." Jim complimented her as he looked around. The apartment had real high ceiling, wood floors, cool furniture. "Glad you like it. You can put your bag in here," Beth walked over to a door and turned on the light. He went into the bedroom and dumped his bag on the bed. The room was modern looking and clean. Overhead there was a skylight that was sure to let all the light in in the morning; sleeping in was going to be tough. "You'll be staying in here. This is my room usually. I'll be sharing my roommate's bedroom." "Roommate?" "Yeah, did you think I could afford this place by myself?" "I don't know. What kind of a job do you have?" Jim asked. "I'm a hostess at a club here in town. A really trendy place. It's private, in fact." "And what, you are on a salary?" "Yeah, but most

of the money comes from tips. The member's are loaded....it's really easy work. Just a lot of smiling. Anyway, I hope you're hungry, I'm going to make us some dinner." "I'm starving...all I got was some peanuts on the flight." "Good. Go ahead and unpack and I'll get things going." Beth left him, pulling off her suede coat as she went into the living area. Jim watched her leave and for the first time thought of how attractive Beth had become. She had to know that the clothes she wore left little to the imagination. The tight pants showed off her fine legs and cute bottom. Jim bet she played on her good looks at that club of hers, flashing a smile at the old codgers who'd give her a big tip just for the illusion of her maybe being attainable. Being blessed with good looks was a pretty easy way to get by in life but he couldn't hold that against Beth. It had gotten her away from Shitville, Nebraska. Jim put his clothes in some empty drawers and took his toiletries into the bathroom. Being a neat person by habit, he opened the medicine cabinet to see if there was enough room for his deodorant and shaver. And was surprised to find the cabinet totally empty. Not a bottle of pills, not a pair of tweezers, not a jar of nail polish - nothing. He opened the drawers by the sink and found them empty as well. The absence of any girlie items anywhere in the bathroom struck him as curious. He didn't think Beth had emptied everything out and taken it into her roommate's bathroom; no reason to go to all that trouble, just take the essentials over. The bathroom looked like it wasn't even being used. Jim stowed his stuff in the drawer, kicked off his shoes and went out to see what his sister was making for dinner. "Whoa! Who is this?" Jim said as he looked at a picture of his sister and another woman near the entrance to the kitchen. "Oh, that's Julie, my roommate....well, don't walk on your tongue!" Beth said as she took a bowl out of the cupboard. Julie looked like every man's ideal woman. In the picture, she was standing next to Beth with her arm around her shoulders. Beth was probably 5' 7". Unless Beth was standing in a hole, Julie must be at least 6' 2". Brunette, almost black hair, worn to mid-back with lots of body. Her face was attractive - not great, sorta tough looking but it certainly could be overlooked. But it was Julie's body from the neck down that probably stopped men in their tracks. Julie was stacked. Big round tits with a lot of cleavage showing. 'No way those are real,' Jim thought to himself. Hips that flared nicely, plenty of meat to grab onto there. Legs that looked like she had worn out a Stairmaster. 'She looks like a fuckin' superhero,' Jim thought. Finally he moved on into the kitchen where Beth was smiling at him knowingly. "Yeah, she gets that reaction a lot," Beth said as he leaned against the counter. "I bet she does. Is that all her?" Jim said as he motioned with his hand over his chest. "No.....but she says it was the best $5000 she ever spent." "$5000?! What kind of work does she do? That's a lot of money." "Well...she's an agent, I guess. She hooks people up." Beth said. "Like how?" Jim was intrigued. "Well, she sorta acts like a headhunter." Beth continued after Jim gave her a quizzical look. "She's like a talent agent, finding people for jobs." "Oh, I see." "Don't let her looks fool you," Beth said as she opened the refrigerator and handed him a beer, "Julie's a smart cookie, too." "So how did you two meet?" "At a gym. I was living with this guy for awhile, a real jerk as it turns out, but anyway, I could use his pass fro his health club. Julie and I just got talking and we hit it off. She's probably the best friend I've ever had. She pay's for the lionshare of the expenses for this place." "Well, you've really fallen in it here......penthouse apartment, good job...it sure beats milking the cows at 5 A.M." "Oh God, don't remind

me!" Beth said as she opened a beer for herself. Jim heard the front door open. Beth did too. "That must be Julie," she said to Jim. "JUUULLLEEESS!" "YEEAHH!" "Well, come and meet her," Beth said as she took her brother's hand. They exited the kitchen walking into the dining area and there she was - Julie and the picture didn't do her justice. She was looking through a stack of mail, wearing a form fitting short dress. She looked up then and jerked her head to the side, sending her hair over her shoulder. It was quick natural movement but Jim got the feeling she had waited until they could see her before she did it. "Julie, this is Jim." "So this is your little brother." Julie said as she walked over to them, the emphasis on the word 'little'. "I'd hate to see your 'big' brother." Jim liked the fact that Julie was complimenting him on his physique. He was 5' 11" with muscle from working long hours around the family farm. Julie extended her hand and Jim shook it. "Nice to meet you, Julie." he said and meant it, willing himself not to look at her fantastic chest. Julie could be fodder for many a night of masturbation. "You got a nice strong grip, Jim. You work out?" "Nah. Just work around the farm." he said. "Baling hay, other exciting stuff." "Yeah, Lizzie's told me all about the farm life." Julie said with a wry smirk. Julie bend slightly and gave Elizabeth a peck on her cheek. Elizabeth looked at Jim after it happened but then Julie continued, "So what do you kids have planned for tonight." Jim guessed Julie was maybe 30; certainly older than he at 17 and Elizabeth at 21. Being called a 'kid' made Jim twinge but he got the feeling that was just the way Julie was. Like she wanted to get a reaction. "Nothing tonight." Beth said. "I'm whipping up some dinner and I thought we'd just relax." "I just stopped by to get another pair of shoes," Julie said. "I've got a meeting later, so I'll have to pass on dinner. I'll be back around 11. You'll still be up, right?" "Oh sure, you know me." Beth replied. "All right then, I'll see you guys later." Julie walked off toward the door to the other bedroom on the other side of the apartment. Jim watched her bottom all the way. Beth punched him in the arm to bring him out of it. "You men are all alike!" she said giggling as she went back into the kitchen. Jim followed her. "So shoot me. There's nothing like that back on the farm....Lizzie." "Don't you start with the Lizzie, too. Julie started calling me that but I don't want it to catch on. Beth is just fine." Jim heard the front door open and close again as Julie headed back out into the city for her meeting. Beth was rooting around in the cupboard, pulling out spice bottles. "Dammit!" she said exasperated. "We're out of basil....I'm gonna run down to the market and get some. Without the basil, this dish just doesn't make it." "Hey, don't go to any trouble....." Jim said as he followed her out into the living area. "The market's just around the corner. I'll only be a few minutes." She grabbed her jacket and headed for the door. Left alone, Jim wandered around. He went outside on the patio that was off the dining area and looked at the surrounding buildings in the fading dusk. He went into the kitchen and lifted the lid on what Beth was preparing; it looked like an Italian sausage dish. He roamed into the livingroom and studied the prints on the walls; they were all of women, paintings by a guy named Nagel. They reminded him of some of the artwork in the front of Playboy magazines, mildly erotic. He was walking near the door to Julie's room and the door was open, so he poked his head in. The bedroom was larger than the one he was staying in; obviously this was the master bedroom of the apartment. Same skylight, a king-size bed with black and white bedding, same sliding door for the closet and the bathroom door in the same place as in the other

bedroom. Jim was going to move back out into the apartment when he noticed something very interesting sitting on the far bedside table. He couldn't be absolutely sure it was what he thought it was; a magazine was covering part of it. He was going to walk over and check it out but he heard a key being inserted in the front door. Quickly he moved a few feet to the nearby entertainment center and made like he was looking at their music selections as Elizabeth came through the door. "Told you that wouldn't take too long," she said as she pulled off her coat. "Come on and help me set the table." "Sure," Jim said as he followed her toward the kitchen. His thoughts, however, were on what he thought he had seen in Julie's bedroom. It had sure looked like there was a pair of handcuffs under that magazine.

[nerianasims]

Billboard #1s 1981

Under the cut.

Blondie -- "The Tide Is High" - January 31, 1981

I have problems trying to figure out what to say about Blondie. This song is reggae-ish, as it's a cover of a 1967 rocksteady song. The song itself is really good, and Blondie do interesting things with it without changing it much or being disrespectful. Of course, it has a lot more icy determination and a lot less vulnerability than the original, because Debbie Harry. It's enjoyable, but now that I've heard the original, I prefer that one. Nothing against Debbie Harry, but I usually prefer more warmth in music, especially when it comes to love songs.

Kool & The Gang -- "Celebration" -- February 7, 1981

I've heard this song way too much, and it's not a song that particularly rewards hundreds of listens. It's a good party song and all, but I'm never going to listen to it again if I have a choice.

Dolly Parton -- "Nine to Five" -- February 21, 1981

Having a steady 9 to 5 job that makes you a living sounds like a dream in the gig economy. But it did suck. They had no idea how much worse things would get, though. It's still a rich man's game, and you spend your life putting money in his wallet. As it's been since Babylon at least. This is a really good song, and the music is upbeat, and Dolly Parton is a world treasure, but my current 2020 mood means it depresses me too.

Eddie Rabbitt -- "I Love A Rainy Night" -- February 28, 1981

I'm trying to remember all the songs about rain I can. There's "Here Comes the Rain Again", "Purple Rain", "November Rain", "It's Raining Men", "Have You Ever Seen the Rain", "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head", "Rainy Days and Mondays", "Set Fire to the Rain" -- they're always about something else. Rain sets the stage, or it's a metaphor. This song is more like "Laughter in the Rain," which is simply about enjoying walking in the rain with someone you love and nothing more. But this is even less than that. He loves a rainy night. That's it and all and entire. And he is going to tell you he loves a rainy night 24 times. I counted. There's no musical variation either. That's the bulk of the song. Other than that, he loves lightning and thunder. It's no wonder I'd never heard this song before, because it is deadly dull.

REO Speedwagon -- "Keep On Loving You" -- March 21, 1981

It was the thing to denigrate 80s power ballads when I was a teenager because we'd had more than enough of them as children, thank you very much. We'd had more than enough of the 80s generally (they sucked, actually, no matter what those day-glo colors tell you. Reagan was an atrocity.) But power ballads didn't deserve the ire, and so they've been embraced again. This is one of the classics. It's about the narrator -- and the singer Kevin Cronan, in reality -- forgiving his wife for cheating on him. I didn't know that until now, because I never really listened to the song. It's far from my favorite power ballad, as how hard Kevin Cronan hits the consonants bugs me. Yeah, I'm from Michigan, I say "r"s like a pirate too, but not to that extreme.

Blondie -- "Rapture" -- March 28, 1981

Debbie Harry sort of raps on this. I dunno, I'm too distracted by the lyrics. The singing part makes sense, as it's about dancing causing rapture. But then the rap (?) part starts. "And you drive all night and then you see a light/ And it comes right down and lands on the ground/ And out comes a man from Mars/ And you try to run but he's got a gun/ And he shoots you dead and he eats your head/ And then you're in the man from Mars/ You go out at night, eatin' cars." It goes on like that. They're some of the weirdest lyrics I've ever seen, and I was a teenager in the Beck "Loser" era. They're probably supposed to just be weird, but... what? That's my opinion on this song.

Daryl Hall and John Oates -- "Kiss On My List" -- April 11, 1981

This is another 80s song I've heard a ton but never really listened to the lyrics. It is a love song, but I'm not quite sure what the narrator's getting at. "If you want to know/ What the reason is I'll only smile when I lie/ Then I'll tell you why." He says it's because your kiss is on his list, and he misses it when he turns out the light. He also seems to be hiding you from his friends. Is he cheating with you? Or maybe he's not with you but wants to be? I don't know, and I'm putting too much thought into what's really a slight but enjoyable pop song.

Sheena Easton -- "Morning Train (Nine to Five)" -- May 2, 1981

What a boring, repetitive beat. This is the opposite of Dolly Parton's "Nine to Five." The narrator in this one stays home while her husband goes to work on the morning train. The whole day, all she does is sit around thinking about him. Nothing else at all. I've nothing against one partner staying at home while the other goes out to work -- I'd be a hypocrite if so, because that's what I do. But I do have something against pretending any woman's brain is so utterly empty that literally all she can think about is her husband. She's not even trying to make a nice home or anything. She apparently just sits around obsessing over her husband. Maybe they've been married for two days, but even so. Also Sheena Easton doesn't hit the high notes she goes for, so that was an unpleasant nails on a chalkboard surprise. Terrible song.

Kim Carnes -- "Bette Davis Eyes" -- May 16, 1981

I love Bette Davis. I do not like this song. In fact, I hate this song. It's Kim Carnes' voice. She sounds like she's been smoking 3 cigars a day for 40 years. Worse, the way she chooses to sing is completely off the rails. She sounds like a cartoon character. I like Jackie DeShannon's original. I can't stand this version.

Stars on 45 -- "Stars on 45" -- June 20, 1981

Baby Boomer nostalgia is the most powerful force in the universe. Which doesn't mean all, or most, baby boomers are drowning in nostalgia, but the ones who are (like my father) are sure a profitable demographic. This "song" is a medley of a bunch of hits to make them go "I recognized it so I clapped." Incredibly bad.

Air Supply -- "The One That You Love" -- July 25, 1981

It's an almost power ballad song that sounds vaguely Broadway-ish, or would if Russell Hitchcock were a good singer. He's about as good a singer as me, except with a weaker voice. That is not good. He doesn't give me a headache or anything, and he does manage to hit the notes right (barely) and to put emotion into his voice, but the guys who sang the leads in our musicals in high school were better. Anyway, he's trying to get his lover not to break up with him, insisting over and over that he's "the one that you love." The lyrics aren't exactly great, but they're not horrible either. But this guy does not have a strong enough voice for power ballads. Yet again, I am wondering what Barry Manilow would have done with this.

Rick Springfield -- "Jessie's Girl" -- August 1, 1981

I remember people going kinda nuts for "Jessie's Girl" some years back, and being like... really? It's fine, but nothing special. He can't even seem to remember the name of the girl he wants. I dunno, whatever, I have no real problems with it, and it does have a nice beat, but it comes and goes without making an impression on me.

Diana Ross & Lionel Richie -- "Endless Love" -- August 15, 1981

Drowning in glop, send help.

Christopher Cross -- "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)" -- October 17, 1981

The movie Arthur is rom-com about a man who was born rich, has never grown up, has never faced any consequences, and treats women like garbage. Fuck aaaalllll the way off. We have reason to be particularly intolerant of this stuff nowadays, and we never should have tolerated it. Romance novelists are smart enough to give their rich heroes some trauma in their pasts, and nowadays the heroes rarely treat women badly either (Christian Grey being an exception. And even he at least has a tortured soul.) The song basically lays out the main character's personality, or lack thereof. There is the neat line, "When you get caught between the moon and New York City." And I woke up with that line -- and nothing else from the song -- in my head, so I can understand why it became a hit. But if I want a movie about the moon and New York City, I'll take Moonstruck.

Daryl Hall & John Oates -- "Private Eyes" -- November 7, 1981

This sounds like Scientology's theme song. Except the "private eyes" are metaphorical. He means he can tell you're hurting even when you try to hide it. "Why you try to put up a front for me/ I'm a spy but on your side, you see." Still, boundaries dude. It's musically fun enough, but the lyrics... eh...

Olivia Newton-John -- "Physical" -- November 21, 1981

This is an aerobics song. Technically it's supposed to be about sex, but Newton-John's in aerobics gear on the single cover, the music video is at a gym, and the beat is for exercising to. Not even dancing. It's not seductive in the slightest. Aerobics in the 80s led to a lot of hip replacements in the 00s. As a song, all I hear is background music for a workout, so... yeah, not interested.

BEST OF 1981 -- "Nine to Five" by Dolly Parton. WORST OF 1981 -- "Stars on 45" by Stars on 45

[gendryaweeklyupdates]

All Updated Gendrya work this week (08-Mar-20 to 14-Mar-20)

Note: all dates are in dd-mm-yy

Redemption by LME ( 16/? as of 08-3-20)

Imagining Arya and Gendry's reunion when the Game of Thrones is finally over. This story is focused on the voyage of 'Arya the Adventurer' on her ship Nymeria, after she asks, "What is west of Westeros?".

Rating:M

Even the Darkest Night will end. by @lianria (12/? as of 08-3-20)

Arya reaches out to old allies for help, and the pack begins to reform. Pack doesn't always mean just wolves anymore.

Rating:M

Runaway With Me - Part 2 by @the-end-is-kigh (14/14 as of 08-3-20) (multiple updates this week)

Arya Stark was not happy when her family was forced to move to King's Landing due to her father's promotion. But at the same time, it allowed her to escape her problems back home, allowed her to meet a cousin she'd never known, get a job doing what she loves and there's the issue of a certain mechanic.

Maybe the move would be worth it?

But the problems from back home follow her, her only hope is to keep running, until she can't run any more.

This is the reaction mostly to the letters Arya and Gendry send back home.

Rating:T

One for the road by @obsessivewriter (9/9 as of 8-3-20)

As a survivor, Arya always knew she was living on borrowed time, five years in remission she had done almost everything on her bucket list until her time ran up.

That time is up now and there is only one thing she never got to experience: falling in love.

Gendry will do anything for his best friend, and really how hard could it be to fall for someone you already love?

Rating:E

The Ghost of the Red Keep by TheDameintheRaininMaine (4/? as of 8-3-20)

Lysa never sent her letter. Bran was never pushed. Five Starks make the journey to King's Landing.

And one day beneath the Red Keep, Arya hears a voice she decides must be a ghost.

Rating:T

Evading Capture by @katlyn1948 (9/? as of 8-3-20)

Arya evades the brotherhood, but fails and Gendry can't seem to keep his eyes of their captive.

Rating:M

A Thunder In Our Hearts by hungerwolves (2/? as of 9-3-20)

In which Arya has to marry lord Gendry Baratheon, the legitimized bastard son of the King in the South, to avoid war between the 6 Kingdoms and the North.

Unrated

Heavy Lies The Crown by OneMoreNight1996 (7/? as of 13-3-20) (multiple updates this week)

When the truth of the Baratheon children is revealed, King Robert orders the execution of Cersei and Jamie Lannister and exiles the children to Casterly Rock. This leaves him without an heir so he is quickly forced to legitimize a bastard blacksmith brought to him by Ned Stark and, in the eye of the King, his heir is in need of a bride.

Rating:E

The Last Time by @yanak324 (14/? as of 9-3-20)

After a decade away, Arya returns home. Encountering the boy she left behind is not in her plans.

At least she’s always known the Gods have a funny sense of humor.

Rating:E

True Love's Kiss by @prettyyvacant321 (2/? as of 9-3-20)

Gendrya Sleeping Beauty AU with a few twists!

Based off the January (oops I'm late but what's new) prompt from @days-of-gendrya on Tumblr.

Rating:M

Head of the River by @everyl1ttleth1ng (13/? as of 14-3-20) (multiple updates this week)

Gendry Waters, multiple Pan Westeros Games gold medal winning rower, has been the highly successful and well-loved Director of Rowing at the exclusive Riverlands Grammar School for six years now. Ser Davos Seaworth has very recently retired as school principal and been replaced by the much younger multiple gold medal winning fencer from the North, Dr Arya Stark.

One morning Gendry finds himself approached by his new boss. She wants him to teach her how to row.

(In which Gendry is still rowing AND Gendry and Arya spend time in a boat together.)

Rating:T

Gym Daze by @dragongoddess13 (5/5 as of 14-3-20) (multiple updates this week)

For years they worked out together. In high school he drove them to the gym every afternoon after school or after extracurriculars. In college, they went first thing in the morning before classes and after graduation, when they both moved down to King’s Landing, they found a new gym and a new schedule. 

Or how Gendry and Arya learn to use their frequent trips to the gym in ways that were a whole new kind of satisfying.

Rating:E

I Wanna Be Yours by @sneetchstar (15/? as of 12-3-20) (multiple updates this week)

Gendrya one-shot collection.

Rating:E

When Winter Comes by OneMoreNight1996 (2/? as of 11-3-20) (multiple updates this week)

Winter sets in after the Long Night is over leaving everyone stuck in Winterfell and unable to go south. This causes some tension within the group as secrets are revealed and promises are made.

Rating:E

The odd girl who smelled the rain by @blue-nebulae (5/6 as of 12-3-20)

Gendry noticed her the very first week of the semester.

Something about her caught his eye, he didn’t know exactly what it was, perhaps the fact that she was a very pretty short girl or the fact that she was carrying a bright yellow umbrella, and using it almost like a cane, on a perfect summery day and that was odd.

Rating:T

More Than Words by @keepitmovinshawty (6/? as of 12-3-20)

Arry and Steffon first meet on the beaches of Braavos while escaping their responsibilities. Both ignorant of their true identities, it comes as a surprise when they meet again on a more formal scale and try to handle a relationship while the world watches.

Rating:M

Bad Pick-up lines Work Best by JoPoGirlsKickAss (17/? as of 12-3-20)

Gendry's life is suddenly sprinkled with bad pick up lines--at first he ignores them, then he realizes they might all be from the same person and that person might just be the death of him.

In which Arya flirts hard and Gendry is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[Slow(ish) burn until chapter 15]

Rating:T

The Lost Prince by @psychvamp25 (37/40 as of 12-3-20)

The first Baratheon prince died in his crib, this is known.

Arya Stark comes to King's Landing when her father becomes Hand of King and her sister is set to marry the Crown Prince, Joffrey. Arya journeys to the street of steal and meets a handsome young blacksmith. Little does she know, that her relationship with this blacksmith could change the future of the Seven Kingdoms.

Rating:T

A Dance of Shadows by Faiseuse_d_Histoires (29/50 as of 13-3-20) (significant Gendrya with Jonerys)

It’s been one year since the death of Daenerys Targaryen, called by some "the mad queen", and the North and the Six Kingdoms try to rebuild all that was lost. Jon Snow had disappeared beyond the Wall, his wolf last seen near Hardhome. Queen Sansa "the Wise" is facing unrest in the nearby villages, which leads her to make questionable choices in the eyes of her people. In the South, king Bran the Broken fell seemingly ill and fear for his life makes people uneasy about the succession.

As once again instability risks to break the kingdoms, a hero reappears, with the name of a long-feared enemy, and an old song is beginning to be sung once again, with fire and ice meeting for one last dance.

Not mentioned, but coming: Some news from the iron islands and Dorne, trouble coming from Essos… oh, and some resurrection, perhaps.

Rating:M

The Prince That Didn't Come by @igitnothin (61/63 as of 13-3-20)

On an normal winter day, Hot Pie happily delivered two meat pies and a jug of ale to a waiting table.

There was no interruption from his ordinary work. No happy reunion, no thrilling tales, and no missing Stark girls to steal his food and change the world. There was nothing but another group of hungry mouths to feed.

Or Arya Stark does not visit the Crossroads Inn, and the world of ice and fire is changed forever.

Unrated

then we take berlin by @evax3 (14/20 as of 13-3-20) (equally Theon/Robb)

After Petyr Baelish tragically suffocated on a gigot before he was able to poison Jon Arryn, Westeros fought in united strength against the White Walkers and built up a diplomatic relationship with Queen Daenerys in Meereen after the victory.

So, the land was at peace, the winter was over and 2 years later Theon, Robb and Arya sat together in Winterfell, bored to fucking death.

Fortunately, distraction seemed within reach, as Theon discovered a book in Maester Luwin’s library, maybe solving their problem. Promising the opportunity to travel back in time and experience one of the big battles again, they’d fought in the past.

But mixing the ingredients, something went wrong and instead of arriving back on the field of the second Battle of the Dawn, they found themselves in Berlin of the 21st century, still wearing their thick furs and understanding not a single word.

Putting their hopes in a certain dark-haired goldsmith from California, who kindly takes them in, they tried their best to somehow find their way back home and find a lot more in the process.

Rating:M

Prompts by @psychvamp25 (9/? as of 14-3-20) (multiple updates this week)

A collection of any of the prompts I get. Will be standalone little ficlets.

Rating:G

Through the storms by @nikelaos87 (3/? as of 14-3-20)

The sequel of "An empty shell"

«I won't marry you»

«You can't»

Rating:M

You Feel Like Moonlight On My Skin by @randifrnz (3/5 as of 14-3-20)

After six months in the capital, it is time the future King and Queen of Westeros continue the envoy through the kingdoms of the lands to know and build relationships with their people. Throughout their journey, the crown prince and princess grow even closer and grow up as well. Arya navigates what it means to be a woman grown and what it means to want.

Rating:E

Masterlink for the week: here

[cristinablackthornkingson]

Shadowhunters Short Story #61. Herongraystairs mundane AU.

It is a cold and blustery day in November of 1997 when Will Herondale and Jem Carstairs receive what they then think of, as the biggest shock of their lives. 

18 year old Jem and Will have grown up with each other and have been the best of friends since the age of twelve. They met in 1991 when Jem had been sent to live with family friends Charlotte and Henry Fairchild, after his parents were killed. Will also lived with Charlotte and Henry, who were friends with his family as well, after he ran away from home at the young age of 12, after his older sister Ella died, and he could not cope with his grief. When Jem arrived from Shanghai, he and Will became fast friends and were soon totally inseparable. 

Last year they had met a young woman from America named Teresa Gray, or Tessa as she preferred to be called. She had come to London in search of her brother, after her aunt who was her only other living relative, died. When she no longer could afford hotels and still found no trace of her brother, Henry and Charlotte invited her to stay with them for as long as she needed. When Tessa moved in, she, Will and Jem became extremely close and soon ended up falling in love. At first it was a total dilemma for Tessa, and for the boys. Tessa loved them both equally and could never imagine choosing between them, and Will and Jem both loved her, but they also loved each other.

Eventually one day the three of them sat down together and talked about it all. It was Jem who pointed out that actually nobody had to choose anybody, it was entirely possible for the three of them to be together, sure they couldn’t be married in a church but that was the least important thing to them. 

They have now been together for a little over a year and have just moved into a small two bedroom apartment, not from Charlotte and Henry’s home. 

Just a few minutes ago, Tessa had asked Jem and Will if she could speak with them, so the three of them gathered in the living room, Will and Jem side by side on the sofa and Tessa sitting opposite them on the armchair, looking pale and nervous. 

“You’re not breaking up with us Tess are you? Please don’t leave me to deal with a broken-hearted Jem, he has too many emotions, I can’t handle him on my own!” Will exclaims in an exasperated tone, trying to lighten the mood. Tessa laughs as Jem lightly shoves Will.

“No it’s nothing like that. So... you know how I haven’t been feeling well the last while? How I’ve been feeling really sick and tired and sore?” Tessa begins. Will and Jem nod. “Well... I found out why I’ve been feeling that way, today.” 

“What is it? Is it bad?” Jem anxiously asks, always worrying about his loved ones,terrified of loosing them like he lost his parents. 

“Well not necessarily.” Tessa says, loosing her nerve and trying to skate around the issue. 

“Come on Tess out with it already!” Will says, sensing that Tessa is about to try and get off track and avoid telling them the truth. 

“I... I’m pregnant.” Tessa quietly says. The thought that she could be pregnant hadn’t occurred to Tessa, until she was visiting Charlotte and Henry the other day, and Charlotte had told her she was pregnant with her second child. It was then that Tessa realized she hadn’t her period in a while and that all her symptoms were similar to the ones Charlotte had just 2 years ago when she was pregnant with her first child, Charles. 

“A-are you sure?” Will stammers, for once in life not knowing what to say. Tessa nods. 

“Yeah, I took a test and it was positive and I haven’t had my period for about 2 months now so....” She trails off, unsure how to finish her sentence. She is both terrified and thrilled, she has always wanted children, but not until she was much older, and had finished university and gotten a stable job. 

“I-is it mine, or Will’s?” Jem asks. 

“I don’t know, the last time I had sex with only one of you was 4 months ago and I’m only 2 months along, so we’ll have to wait until the baby is born to find out, even then we might not know straight away, but if it’s important to you we can do a paternity test.” Tessa quietly says, now fearful that if the baby is Will’s, Jem will leave and if it’s Jem’s, William will leave. 

“No, no of course it doesn’t matter, I didn’t ask because I won’t love the baby if it isn’t mine, I was just curious. Oh Tessa, I don’t care who the biological father is, no matter what that baby is mine and yours and Will’s, no matter their DNA, they’re going to have two dads, I’ve only known about them for two seconds and I already love them with all my heart.” Jem says, leaning forward to grasp Tessa’s hand in his.

“Exactly, of course this is scary and difficult, but we’re not the first teen parents out there and we won’t be the last. By the time the baby is born you’ll have finished school, Jem and I will be in our last year of university, all three of us have stable jobs and are doing all we can to get even better ones, and we’ll have so much support from Charlotte and Henry, Gideon and Sophie and my sister and her no good boyfriend.” Will says in a soft tone, trying to make Tessa smile. Gideon Lightwood and Sophie Collins are friends of theirs, Will’s sister Cecily is in a relationship with Gideon’s brother Gabriel. Will and the Lightwood brothers did not get along in the past, but recently they did manage to put their differences aside and become friends, though Will still likes to tease Gabriel. 

Tessa laughs and wipes at her tears, feeling a bit more reassured now. As Will said, their friends will be more than willing to help, Cecily will be delighted to have a niece or nephew and what makes her happy makes Gabriel happy, Henry and Charlotte are always happy to help out no matter what, and Sophie and Gideon love children and will be more than willing to help out too. They have two daughters themselves and a little boy who is 4 months old and has just been discharged from hospital after being born two months premature. 

“I love you both so much.” She says in a joyful tone. 

“All three of us now.” Will gently says, placing a hand on Tessa’s stomach. Jem places his hand over Will’s and Tessa places hers over Jem’s. 

“Yes, all three of you, I love all three of you.” 

They decide to wait until the first trimester is over and the risk of miscarriage decreases greatly, to tell everyone else about the baby. Thankfully the first 3 months pass without a hitch and when they finally tell everyone, they are very supportive and loving. Of course it’s not ideal being parents at only 17 and 18 but everyone knows that if anyone can make it work, it’s Jem, Tessa and Will. 

The rest of Tessa’s pregnancy passes by in a breeze, Tessa is able to finish school and decides to defer her place at a literary course in university (the same one Will is currently taking) for a year. Will finishes his second year in university while Jem finishes his third year in his music and history course. Tessa continues to work her part-time job at the library, where she is thankfully entitled to 18 paid months of maternity leave, though she is hopeful that she won’t need the full year and a half. 

Tessa has regular check ups at the local hospital, where she is also booked in to give birth in August. Jem and Will attend every check up, no matter what. They are so excited to become fathers and can hardly wait to meet the baby. They have already started on the nursery, even though the baby will be staying in their room for at least the first year. 

Right now, Tessa is only a few weeks from her due date which means Jem and Will are on high alert at all times, rushing to get Tessa and the baby’s bags for the hospital, every time she so much as flinches. 

At the moment Tessa is sitting on the sofa, trying to read a book, but it seems that Will and Jem may actually have reason to panic now, as for the last hour or so Tessa has been having pains on and off, every 15 minutes, and now they’re starting to get stronger and closer together. 

“You started that book an hour ago and you haven’t finished it yet? That’s not like you at all.” Tessa hears Will say in a teasing tone. 

“I can’t concentrate, I think we need to go to the hospital, I’ve been having pains on and off the same amount of time apart since I sat down, I think it might be time.” Tessa says, wincing and grasping her stomach as another pain washes over her. 

Will’s eyes widen and he springs up from his seat.

“A-Alright, okay I-I’ll get Jem to help you out to the car and I’ll grab the bags.” He stammers, trying not to panic. 

On the way to the hospital, Tessa’s water broke and by the time they reached the hospital, the pains were only 5 minutes apart. 

Only half an hour after arriving at the hospital, she began to push, clutching both Will and Jem’s hands tightly, as Jem rubbed her back and gave her soothing encouragements, while Will watched what was going on at the bottom of the bed, wide eyed and unable to look away. 

Now, after only pushing for about 20 minutes, Tessa feels a weight lift from her and a low cry rings through the room. She sighs in relief, relaxing back into the pillows as Will and Jem well up with tears of joy. 

“Oh my god, it’s a boy, it’s a boy, we have a son.” Jem says in a shocked but joyful tone, laughing in delight and wiping his tears away. “He’s so perfect Tess, you did it, he’s here and he’s so beautiful and perfect.” Jem says in a breathy tone, leaning down to kiss her forehead. 

Seconds later the baby is placed on Tessa’s chest, and immediately her heart swells with love for him, a love greater than she had ever felt in all her life. She immediately pulls him close to her chest, tears of joy rolling down her cheeks as the baby snuggles into her and his cries die down. 

“Hi baby, Hi James, sweet baby Jamie, I love you.” Tessa whispers, kissing his little head. When they had been choosing names, Tessa was instant that the baby have his fathers’ names, but she left it up to Will and Jem to decide which would be his first name and which would be his middle name. Will insisted that his first name be James, and when he wouldn’t budge on that, Jem wanted the baby to have a Chinese middle name, so his middle name is Wēilián, which is William in Mandarin, making his full name James Wēilián Ke Carstairs-Herondale. A big name for a very little boy. 

“He looks just like me.” Will softly says in a tone of awe, stroking the baby’s blood soaked cheek. It’s clear that little James is Will’s biological child, with a thick mop of black hair just like his, Will’s pallor, bone structure and eye shape, and Tessa’s nose shape. Later it would turn out he has big grey eyes, just like Tessa.

“He’s perfect.” Jem quietly repeats, as little James wraps his hand around Jem’s finger.

*******************************************************************************************

When Tessa had told Will and Jem she was pregnant with James, they had thought that was the biggest shock and surprise of their lives, but they were mistaken. It has been just under a year since James’ birth, one of the best years of their lives, and while the little boy takes his usual afternoon nap, Tessa has called Jem and Will into the bedroom, where they will receive what they are certain is the biggest shock of their lives.

“Is everything alright Tess? Do you want to go to bed for an hour and we’ll keep an ear out for Jamie?” Will asks, closing the door behind he and Jem.

“No, thank you though. Everything is fine but I do need to tell you something.” 

“Is it that Cecily is a massive pain in the arse coming around here with Lightworm every day? Believe me Tess, I know, but she’s my sister so I have to love her and put up with her.” Will says with a shrug. 

“No that’s not it, I like having Cecily and Gabriel around all the time, they’re great at helping out with Jamie. Anyway, what I need to tell you is... I’m pregnant.” Tessa admits. She could hardly believe it when she saw the positive pregnancy test, she, Will and Jem were very careful about preventing another pregnancy, but clearly they weren’t careful enough.

“What? B-but Jamie’s not even one, I-thought it was pretty much impossible to get pregnant again so soon.” Will stammers, sinking onto the bed beside Tessa.

“No not impossible at all, usually after about six weeks post birth, you can get pregnant again. I know we were careful and everything but clearly it didn’t work.” Tessa says. Like when she was pregnant with Jamie, she is terrified, perhaps even more so now that they’ll have two under two, but she is also extremely excited and eager to meet this little one. In the last year, Jem was able to secure a job in the orchestra for the current production of a long-running musical in the West End, and the theater isn’t far from their apartment. Will got a job as a book editor and mostly works from home, while Tessa still works part-time at the library and attends college part time. Things are more secure now, even if they do have a 9 month old baby, who will only be one and a half when the new baby is born.

“If we have a girl we have to name her after you, since Jamie is named after us.” Jem says, breaking the tension and smiling at Tessa. 

“No way, absolutely not, I get final say in baby names since I’m the pregnant one, and I am banning any variation of my name here and now.” Tessa says with a laugh. Though she doesn’t mind her name, she doesn’t want her daughter to have it, she’s always thought Teresa and Tessa are a little plain and bland, she wants something nicer for her daughter, if the baby is a girl.

“Okay but you can’t call her Jemma Wilhelmina or Wilhelmina Jemma either.” Will says in a mock stern tone.

“I say since you picked Jamie’s name, Will gets to pick this baby’s name, and if we have a third, I get to pick their name.” Jem suggests. Will and Tessa nod in agreement, and  Tessa relaxes, knowing that in the end, things will work out. 

Over the next few months, they tell their family and friends about the baby. Charlotte helps them explain everything to Jamie, but he doesn’t seem to acknowledge it, sometimes he’ll babble to Tessa’s belly and cuddle up to the small bump, but other than that, he’s been behaving as normal. 

Just a few weeks after they told Cecily and Gabriel, Cecily had broken the news to them that she too was pregnant. At first Will was furious, ready to hunt Gabriel down and kill him, but once Cecily explained how caring and loving Gabriel has been toward her and the baby, and how excited he is to be a father, Will calmed down, though he is still extremely worried about Cecily.

Once again, Tessa’s pregnancy passes by in a breeze and before she knows it she is just days from her due date. 

Currently, she is sitting in the living room of her, Jem and Will’s apartment, with Jamie, Charlotte and Charlotte’s son Matthew, who is two months older than Jamie. Jamie, Matthew and Thomas get along famously, and no doubt Cecily and Gabriel’s daughter will get along with the boys too, when she arrives in just 2 months time. 

“Are you’re  alright Tessa? You look very pale.” Charlotte asks in a concerned tone, turning her attention from the babies to Tessa, looking at her with eyes full of worry and concern.  

“Oh yeah I’m fine just... I don’t know I feel weird, my stomach feels weird but it doesn’t feel like contractions, at least not like the ones I had when Jamie was born.” Tessa says, grimacing at the pain in her stomach and back. 

“It could be early labor, when I went into labor with Charles I started feeling pains 2 days before he was born, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to go to the hospital to get checked over, I know Will and Jem are at work, so I can drive you.” Charlotte offers. 

“Will Matthew get fussy if you put him in the car?” Tessa asks, glancing at the little blonde haired boy, patting Jem’s cat, Church. 

“No not at all, Matthew is the easiest baby on earth, the word fussy does not apply to him, he loves being in the car, he won’t mind at all.” Charlotte assures her. 

“Okay, yeah lets go then.” 

Half an hour later, Tessa is breathing through her pains (which have been confirmed as contractions) in her hospital bed, while Charlotte expertly manages Jamie and Matthew, while calling Will and Jem to let them know Tessa is in labor. 

Jem arrives first, 20 minutes after Charlotte called him, and Will turns up just 10 minutes after Jem. Charlotte then offers to look after Jamie for as long as they need, she and Henry will be happy to have him and Matthew will be delighted to have him for a sleepover. Jem, Tessa and Will readily agree, glad they won’t have to worry about organizing childcare now. 

2 hours after being admitted to hospital, an hour after beginning to push, Tessa feels a weight lift from her which is almost immediately followed by a loud, high pitched wail. 

Jem is the first to catch a glimpse of the baby, and when he does, his breath hitches in his throat. 

“Oh, oh it’s a girl, we have a daughter.” He says in a soft tone.

“She certainly made an entrance, didn’t you sweet girl?” Will coos, wiping at his tears as the baby is placed on Tessa’s chest. 

“Hello, hello Lucie, Lucie Āi lā Ke Carstairs. You look just like your mama.” Jem quietly says, stroking the baby’s cheek. Will had finally settled on the name Lucie for a girl ,after Lucie Manette in a Tale Of Two Cities (his and Tessa’s favorite book) and Āi lā, which is Mandarin for  Ella, after his older sister who died when he was a child. 

“She’s perfect.” Tessa says in a tight tone, holding Lucie close and pressing a kiss to her forehead. 

The next day Charlotte brings Jamie in to meet his sister, while Henry stays at home with Matthew and Charles. 

“What do you think Jamie?” Tessa softly asks, as James curiously peers into the bundle of blankets in her arms, where Lucie is sleeping peacefully. 

“Baby.” Jamie quietly says, pointing to Lucie. 

“Yeah this is your baby sister Lucie, do you love her?” Tessa gently asks, running a hand through Jamie’s thick black hair, identical to Will’s. Jamie nods and leans in to kiss Lucie’s forehead, as she reaches a hand out of her blankets and grips tightly to her brother’s finger. 

“They’re so sweet.” Jem softly says, watching as Lucie blinks her eyes open and peers up at James with curiosity

“For now, soon they’ll be at eachother’s throats, if they’re anything like Cecily and I.” Will says with a smile, thinking back to when he and Cecily were younger, and how he would always hide her toys and she would always pull his hair. 

“You’re so dramatic William, you are such a softie around Cecily, if you hated her as much as you pretend you do, you wouldn’t be so worried about her and the baby.” Jem points out. Will has often confided in him about how worried he is about Cecily and how she will cope as a young mother, and how afraid he is that Gabriel will walk out on her and their daughter and leave her heartbroken. 

“She’s okay I suppose, she does have terrible taste in men though, her and Sophie, though Gideon isn’t too bad I suppose.” Will says with a shrug. Realistically he does actually like Gabriel and Gideon, especially Gideon, and he does approve of Cecily choosing to be with Gabriel, but he it’s more fun to tease his sister and annoy the Lightwood brothers than to confess that he actually likes them.

*******************************************************************************************

*16 years later* 

At 33 and 34 years old, Jem and Will were convinced that life had no more big surprises in store for them, they thought Tessa’s announcement of her pregnancy with Jamie followed a year later by her announcement of her pregnancy with Lucie, were the biggest shocks they every had, but once again they were wrong.

It is a sweltering hot day in August of 2013, James is out with Matthew, Thomas, and Cecily and Gabriel’s son Christopher, while Lucie is upstairs, working on her writing. At 16 and 15, both James and Lucie are total bookworms like Will and Tessa, Lucie loves to write fictional stories and has hopes of becoming a published author one day, while James more so likes to write poetry and read any book he can get his hands on. Neither of them have any musical talent or love for music like Jem does, but they never object when he takes his violin out to play.

Jem and Will are sitting in the living room, enjoying the peace and quiet and the absence of arguing children, while Tessa is visiting her friend Catarina Loss, who works at the local hospital where Jamie and Lucie were born.

Just as Jem is thinking of getting up and making a start on dinner so it will be ready when Jamie and Tessa come home, the door creaks open and Tessa steps in, and beams at he and Will. 

“Hey, is Jamie still out with the boys?” She asks, making her way over to the sofa to join Jem and Will. 

“Yes but he’s text a few times to let us know he’s alright and he’ll be home in a few hours. Did you have a good time with Catarina?” Will asks. 

“Yes I did. I have something I want to show you.” Tessa says with a bright smile, slipping her hand into her pocket and drawing out a blurry black and white picture, of something unclear. 

“What’s that?” Will asks, furrowing his brow and trying to figure out why Tessa is showing them this odd photo of seemingly nothing. 

“Well, it’s our baby.” Tessa quietly says. Now that they are older and much better prepared for a child, she wanted to surprise Will and Jem with the news of her pregnancy and not just call them in and tell them she took a test and it was positive. She had suspected she was pregnant for a few weeks now, and when she booked in for an appointment with Catarina today, she told Jem and Will she was simply going to visit her friend at the hospital, when in actual fact she was going in for a pregnancy test and ultrasound. 

“B-baby? You’re pregnant?” Will asks in an incredulous tone. The three of them weren’t exactly trying, but they weren’t doing anything to prevent a pregnancy either, though they had done that for the last five years and he thought perhaps it just wasn’t meant to happen. 

“Yes, I’m two months, due in March, everything is perfect with me and the baby.” Tessa softly says, placing a hand on her stomach. 

“Oh Lucie is going to be so thrilled.” Jem says in a joyful tone, knowing how much his daughter has wanted a little sibling for some time now. James doesn’t mind the idea of another sibling, but he’s not as eager as Lucie.

“Yes she is, we’ll have to think of a good way to tell her and Jamie, I’ll do some research tonight.” Tessa says, thinking of all the fun and exciting ways she can tell Lucie and James they’re going to have a little sibling soon.

“I finally get to pick a baby name!” Jem says with a wide grin, already knowing what he wants to call this baby, boy or girl. 

“Oh God, you’re going to call them something awful like Wolfgang aren’t you?” Will groans.

“Oh no, you’re not naming them something ridiculous like that or Chopin.” Tessa warns Jem, earning a laugh from him with her serious look. 

“Calm down you two, I love our child I’m not going to saddle them with an awful name, if I were going to name our son after a musician it would be someone with a decent name, have some faith in me.” 

The three of them decide to keep the news to themselves for another month or so, so that the chances of anything happening will have gone down by the time they tell the kids.

By the time they decide to tell them, it’s the middle of September, just a few weeks before Lucie’s 16th birthday, which Tessa sees as the perfect opportunity to tell her she’s going to be a big sister.

Right now Lucie and James are sitting on the sofa in the living room, reading. 

“Hey Luc.” Tessa says, walking over to the sofa with a brown paper bag in her hand. Lucie looks up and gives her a quizzical look. “I want to give you an early birthday present, Jamie you might be interested in this too.” Tessa says, handing the bag over to Lucie and sharing a knowing smile with Jem and Will. 

James sets his book down as Lucie reaches into the bag, and pulls out a white baby grow and a note. 

“What’s the note say?” James curiously asks, trying to read the note over his sister’s shoulder.

“Lucie, you’re finally getting the one thing you’ve always wanted, you’ll just have to wait a few months.” Lucie reads in a confused tone. “What does this mean mum?” She asks, looking up at Tessa.

“What do you think it means?.” Tessa gently asks, brushing Lucie’s hair back from her face. The kids are quiet for a minute, before Jamie’s face lights up in realization. 

“You’re pregnant!” He exclaims, adding up the note, the baby grow and the fact that his mum has been sick the last few weeks. 

“You are?! Really?” Lucie gasps, looking between Tessa, Will and Jem with wide blue eyes full of hope. 

“Yes I am, the baby will be here in March, you’re going to be a big sister.” Tessa softly says, as Lucie jumps up and hugs her tightly. 

“You alright there Jamie?” Will asks in an amused tone, clapping his son on the shoulder, noticing the look of shock on his face. 

“Y-yeah just wasn’t expecting this.” He says in a shocked voice. 

“Pun unintended?” Jem asks in a teasing voice, grinning at his son, who takes minute to understand the joke before smiling back and laughing. 

“Can we tell people? Can I tell Cordelia, papa?” Lucie asks in an excited tone, looking at Jem, thinking perhaps he has already told his cousin Cordelia, who recently moved to London and has been best friends with Lucie since they were 10.

“Of course, you can tell your friends too if you like Jamie, you’re the first ones to find out, apart from Catarina since she’s been helping your mum through the first few months of the pregnancy.” Jem says. 

Soon, everyone knows about the newest little Carstairs-Herondale on the way, and are very excited and happy. 

Thankfully, like both of her other pregnancies, this pregnancy is a breeze for Tessa, she’s had some sickness and aches and pains but thankfully nothing more than usual. Lucie and James always accompany her and their dads on trips to buy clothes and furniture for the baby and help them decorate the nursery and both have been sworn to secrecy on the baby’s name, which they will tell everyone when she is safely here. 

Currently Tessa is once again just weeks from her due date, though she is sure the baby will come any day now, since Jamie and Lucie were both a few weeks early too. 

Right now Tessa is sitting at her desk in her office, reading over a book she is currently editing and critiquing for a client. 

As she writes notes in red pen in the margin, she feels a familiar tightening pain in her lower stomach, one she is not able to work or talk through. Once the pain passes, she sets her pen down and goes in search of Jem and Will, needing someone to drive her to the hospital to make sure the pains are in fact contractions, and knowing that of course, they won’t want to miss a second of this. 

When she walks into the music room, Jem looks up from his manuscript and beams brightly at her, his eyes filled with love and adoration. 

“Tess.” He softly says, beckoning her over. “I was just writing something for the baby, do you want to hear?” 

“Normally I would love, you now how much I adore your music, but I think you’ll be able to play your piece to the baby herself soon, I think I’m having contractions.” Tessa says, leaning against the door frame as her body is wracked with another pain.

Unlike when Jamie was born, Jem manages to stay totally calm. He guides Tessa to a seat, then quickly finds her and the baby’s bags, and then Will and while Will helps Tessa out to the car, he lets Jamie and Lucie know what’s going on, before texting Charlotte, who has promised to check in on Lucie and James while Tessa is in labor.

Unlike her labors with Jamie and Lucie, this time Tessa’s labor is long, drawn out and painful. Her labor lasts a total of 14 hours, which feels like forever compared to 4 and 2 hours. 

Tessa was able to start pushing about 3 hours ago, but the baby is taking her time in coming out. 

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.” Tessa weakly says, as she rests between contractions, her chest rising and falling rapidly as she tries desperately to catch her breath.

“Of course you can.” Will softly says, dabbing her sweaty forehead with a cold, damp compress.  

“But it feels like she’s not budging.” Tessa tries to hold back her tears of pain and frustration. 

“Tess, I know it feels like you aren’t getting anywhere but I promise you are, we’re so close to meeting our baby and she is going to be just as perfect as her brother and sister, you are the strongest woman I’ve ever met Tessa, just a few more minutes and you’ll have her in your arms, and Cecily can stop pestering us about her name.” Jem softly and quietly says, squeezing Tessa’s hand encouragingly and leaning his forehead against hers. Tessa gives a weak laugh, then as another contraction begins, she squeezes her eyes shut, grips Will and Jem’s hands and pushes with all her might. Seconds later she feels a weight lift from her, and a soft cry rings around the room.

“You did it Tess! You see, we told you could, you amazing woman you!” Will proudly says, leaning in to kiss her temple, before the baby is placed on her chest. 

Right away, it is obvious Jem is her biological father, she looks just like him, even at moments old. With light brown skin just like his, thick black hair but without Will’s curls, Jem’s eye shape and bone structure and Tessa’s mouth and nose shape. 

“Oh Jem she looks just like you, she’s so beautiful.” Tessa sobs in delight, holding her baby close and tight. 

“Yes she is, but I think she looks like you, you’re so beautiful my sweet Wilhelmina, how could you possibly look like me and not your mummy if you’re so beautiful?” Jem coos, leaning down to kiss his daughter’s forehead, before turning to place a kiss on his wife’s lips. 

“Wilhelmina Yiqiang Ke Carstairs-Herondale, you could give your brother a run for his money with such a big name.” Will coos. Despite joking with Tessa when she was pregnant with Lucie, that they shouldn’t name her Wilhelmina after Will, Jem has grown extremely fond of the name over the years, and both Will and Tessa like it too, so they settled on that for her first name, and Yiqiang means ‘Remember’ in Mandarin, which Jem chose to honor their loved ones who have passed away, his parents, Tessa’s parents and brother and Will’s sister. 

“Little Mina mine, I love you.” Jem softly says, stroking Mina’s thick, dark hair.

The next day, just after Mina has finished her morning feed, and Will is winding her while Jem is in the clothes shop next to the hospital, buying a fresh shirt after Mina threw up on him and Tessa is in the en suite bathroom getting changed, there is a light knock on the open door, and when Will looks up, he sees James and Lucie standing there, smiling brightly, next to Charlotte who is holding a gift bag, also smiling brightly. 

“Hello you two!” Will says in a joyful tone. “Come meet your sister.” 

Part two coming soon, where Mina will meet her siblings and all her aunts, uncles and cousins!

[charity-angel]

At the risk of tempting the universe/PTB to throw anything more at me, a brief summary of my weekend (with added background info that I bought my first house 2 months ago):

Saturday morning, arse o’clock: text from my mother saying she is sending my dad over and are there any jobs that need doing?

Yes, quite a few. Chief of which is I want to trace whatever fault means that half1 the spotlights in my kitchen aren’t working.2

Slightly later Saturday, more reasonable time: Dad arrives. Decides that since weather is nice, he's going to repair my back gate. Fair enough - it wasn't on my list, but it will mean I can actually open it whenever I need to rather than wrestling with it.

While helping him: Spot something that annoys me, and I have purchased the means to fix but not got around to actually doing it. The security light comes on no matter what time of day it is. It is currently broad daylight. Decide to amend this. Venture into basement, turn electricity off. Arm self with screwdrivers. Prepare to install switch rather than popping fuse out of wall all the time3.

Bit of swearing later: Fuse panel is off wall, but there is something going on outside. Venture out to find a guy out cold in the street running behind the terrace, with two teenage girls speaking to the 999 operator. As I kneel beside him to try and assess, he starts to come round - enough to say he doesn't want an ambulance. I try to get girls to not relay this to the operator, but they do and it's cancelled. He is CLEARLY still out of it. They hang up, go on their way, and he promptly passes out again.

Remind self of how to put someone into the recovery position. Lament that last time I did this it was a conscious, skinny PGCE student in her early twenties, and this is a grown-ass man who is not surreptitiously helping with the rolling over. I also can't get his hand under his head, so I hold his head up myself instead, while my dad finally decides I've been a while and rings 999 back4.

Takes them a while to get there. I think the call timer is over 20 mins. My back is in spasms, my left leg is going numb and pins & needles-y. The guy has vomited three times (thank fuck I rolled him). Paramedics manage to bring him round a bit - enough to get him to confess he's on methodone.

Ow, fucking ow: Have to go back to doing the electrical work, since the power is off and my dad now needs to charge the drill. Set about attaching the cables to the right bits. Discover that the cabling is too short to reach one of the terminals on the new switch. Fuck. Re-install fuse plate. Turn power back on. Thank whoever is listening that I don't seem to have screwed anything up.

Saturday, 2:45: Lunch. I have frozen bread, and a shit-load of eggs. Scrambled eggs on toast it is.

Maybe 3:15?: Dad sets about re-seating curtain pole in the spare room, with decent rawlplugs so that it will take the weight of the curtain my mum is making for it.

Not long later: That's done with minimal fuss5. Dad muses that could do with putting the rail back on the stairs6.

Couple of minutes later: Persuade him that could actually do with lifting the floor since I'd quite like to be able to see in the kitchen after nightfall, whereas the handrail is a minor inconvenience. We begin.

At this point, it is worth noting that I had tried this myself on Thursday evening only to discover the floor appears to be chipboard rather than floorboards. Also it is worth noting that the carpet was laid and then the skirting boards put down over it.

Half an hour later?: Free enough of the carpet to realise that the bed needs to be moved. And by moved, I mean effectively dismantled.

Another hour?: Bed semi-dismantled and on its side7, room totally rearranged. More skirting boards unscrewed, silicon sealant peeled from the walls, skirtings removed8, carpet screws removed, carpet rolled up as much as possible. We manage to prise one of the bits of chipboard up, only to realise that: a) the original floorboards are still mostly there underneath (although mostly not under this particular bit), and b) the majority of the fucking things have not only been screwed down over the floorboards, but also GLUED. I shit you not. Also that some of the boards extend underneath the plasterboard9 wall

We decide this is a bigger job than us and have to at least put the flooring back down and move things we had moved from there into my room back so I can at least get into bed. We decide not to do anything else as it will only need moving again.

Around 6pm: My poor dad heads home. I discover I have a stray text from my mum about half an hour earlier asking if he's still with me.

Not long later: Run bath. Pour self bowl of tesco's coco pops in lieu of meal I haven't got the spoons to cook.10

Ominous message from mother: She is coming over tomorrow to hang the curtain, and set the spare room right again.

Sunday, about 9am: Ow. Owowowowow. Break out the painkillers. Fuck. Browse AO3 for Rose/Ten fics since I have just binged their season and I have feels, okay?

11:30: Text from mother: she is heading over around 1: do I want anything picking up at the temperance bar since she is going?11

Around 12: Decide should get dressed. Painkillers doing their job. Get clean jeans since she is dragging me out for curtain hoops. I might not drive, but I at least know where I'm going.12

12:15: spot a big, ominous wet patch above my bedroom door that is just about to start dripping. FUCK!

Shove water cup under the impending drip, grab towel and slightly larger container, replace cup. Grab bigger container and head for loft access hatch.

Realise loft access is behind all this shit we moved around in the spare room yesterday. Double fuck. Set about moving it elsewhere so I can get in.

12:30:Ring Dad and ask if he can bring over his big set of stepladders as I suspect I probably could get myself into the attic space13, but would break my neck coming back down. Also I need a torch that is not my phone. He laments that Mum has taken the big car. I call her instead, get her to head home and stock up on essentials (ladders, torch, Dad). I decide to change into yesterday's scruffy jeans since this isn't likely to be a clean job.

About 1-1:15: They arrive, and my dad manoeuvres himself into the attic. This is impressive and just a lot of a dangerous move or two involved. It takes a second person (read: me), which means I have no chance of getting up there myself.

Issue is with the chimney stack and can't actually get a bucket under it. But by the light of my phone14 he can see multiple other issues. Although he does move a slate back into place so I can't see daylight between it and its next-door neighbour. Bless him.

2:15: decide to get some lunch and the curtain hoops. Head into town. Can't park15 Mum decides she isn't hungry, drops us at Costa (it's open, at least) and goes to get the hoops herself.

3-ish: Get back. Sort spare room so it is habitable. Because there is still a drip from my bedroom doorframe, so guess where I'm suddenly sleeping tonight. Hang curtain16.

4-ish: Decide to actually put the handrail back, so we can feel we've at least achieved something useful. This turns out to be a bigger job than anticipated because the fucking plaster keeps falling apart and the rawlplugs won't hold properly. And the ones that will, we don't have screws the right size for. I mean...

5:30-ish: Rail is up. They leave. I run bath as everything is ouch.

7-ish: Can no longer ignore fact that I can hear dripping in the bathroom. Get out while bath is still full to try and work out where the fuck it is coming from. Take side panel off bath17. Not obvious. The outlet pipe has drippy bits all along it. Can't get a container under it. Yay.

Shove microfibre cloth under just to try and contain dripping. Suspect the joint in the pipe where new plumbing has been connected to older is the issue, but seems to be from both bloody ends of the joint piece.

7:45-ish: Drain bath, turn shower on so can wash hair. Little later than anticipated - won't dry properly now18.

tl;dr: I hate my house and everything about it.

1. The half that are on the useful side of the kitchen. You know, where the sink and hob are. The ones that help me do things like cook and wash up after dark.

2. Spotlights embedded into ceilings are clearly one of Crowley's inventions.

3. I am not a qualified electrician, but I have studied electronics at school, been taught on the side by my engineer dad, and I know my limits. Do not do this yourself if you aren't absolutely sure of what you're looking at.

4. Can't do it myself as my battery is dead and, guess what - I've turned the electricity off so I can't charge it. And my landline is cordless, so that needs power too.

5. other than Dad not realising that my ceilings are a little lower than his and going 1 step too high on the ladder. Muppet.

6. I removed this about 2 days after I moved in because of the 4 brackets supposedly securing it to the wall, only 2 actually were. I was more liable to break my neck using it than not. It didn't take me long to realise that while removing it was a 1 woman job, putting it back required more hands. 4 more, as it transpires.

7. Dad manages to hit his head on one of the protruding legs of the bed. I swear...

8. Honestly. They were screwed to the wall and then silicon sealed along the top (and joining edges). The carpet was screwed to the floor under the boards.

9. Drywall, for anyone of an American disposition.

10. Ignore suspicious dripping sound. This turns out to be something of a mistake.

11. Fucking yes, I am almost out of all my cordials. Curse not living near it any more

12. Mostly. One-way systems are a touch tricky when you don't have to obey them. As are bus-only routes.

13. On later reflection, this is incredibly doubtful since I lack the upper body strength to haul myself several feet straight up.

14. Because they brought a curtain and cushions as well as the big stepladder, but not a torch.

15. Also not something I have to think about often.

16. Discover Mum and I have been talking cross-purposes as to which side of the window it is going on. Fortunately this is not a massive issue.

17. Inventory of the under-bath: 2 bags grout, 1 tub of paint, 1 jigsaw piece, 1 part of an old loo roll holder, about 50cm of 1cm diameter dowel, 1 electrical cable that is quite possibly live given that an attempt has been made to insulate it inside a plastic bag. What is not there is the wooden frame that should support the sides of the plastic bath.

18. There are many advantages to the care and maintenance of curly hair. Not being able to blow-dry it is NOT one of them. Not having to, otoh, is.

[silkkpopbonnet]

7 Nights of Monsta X

Night Three

The next morning, Alexis awoke to her phone ringing, previously she was somewhere lost in a pleasant dream about being wrapped up in Shownu’s arms when she was thrust back into the conscious realm. 

Kicking the covers off her legs, Alexis rolled over and nearly out of bed to reach her phone. Without looking she groggily answered. 

“Hello?” 

“Did I wake you? I’m sorry.” 

Her eyes snapped open as she recognized I.M.’s voice. “Hey, cutie.” 

“Hello.” He chuckled, “I know it’s early but I wanted to ask if you wanted to have lunch with me this afternoon.” 

“And me.” 

Kihyun’s voice appeared in the background. 

“Just lunch?” 

It wasn’t that she was opposed to just lunch, it was just that she was used to someone, her clients, expecting more than just lunch or lunch being a code word for something else. 

“Just food, and talking.” He heard the inquiry in her tone. “It’s ok if you have other plans, I mean of course it’s ok, you’re a grown woman.”

Kihyun laughed. “You’re rambling.” 

“I am, thank you hyung.” Emphasis was thrown on that last word. “I just mean that I, we, would like to see you outside the house, and we wondered if you’d want to get something to eat with us.” 

Alexis grew up in a stable, loving home. She was quite sure when most men asked her about her background, they expected to hear some single mother sob story. Or that she was used and abused, and sure that may have been true for some, but for her, it wasn’t. Her parents were still very much in love after 17 years, and they loved and cared for her. Alexis began escorting when she turned 18, about 6 months before she graduated high school. Money was tight in her home when it came to college, but the government said her parents made enough money that she should be able to pay for it. As a result, her pell grant numbers were ridiculously low. So, what better way to make an obscene amount of money and be able to keep it? No taxes. Besides, she was a pretty woman with a healthy sexual appetite. That’s how she got her. She was running through all that in her mind to come around to the fact that she wasn’t supposed to be getting close and cozy with her clients, at least not for real. Yet, in these few days, she had genuinely enjoyed her time with the guys. Here they were asking her for her personal time, and not making demands of her about it. 

“I’d love to.” Alexis wondered if that statement was a mistake as she found her face hurting as she grinned. “What time?” 

Lunch went very well, she didn’t meet with them that night, Kihyun suggested for her to rest at home as they had some meetings and work to do anyway. The next day it was Shownu who called and asked her to the movies. He met her outside the theater and gently took her hand, kissing her knuckles. He was a gentleman, not one out of place touch or comment. Afterward, they had coffee, and she was surprised to know that he had studied some philosophers and had questions to ask her about their disciplines. 

Alexis pinched her cheeks as she looked at herself in her bathroom mirror that night preparing to go see the guys. “Enough of that Andrews.” She growled out staring at herself. “This is a job, they are clients, a client would want to make you happy to continue the business, that’s all.” 

Applying mascara she thought about Shownu’s gentle smile and the way he blushed when she called him a big teddy bear. He was so fluffy she could die, yea, just die, right in those massive arms of his. 

As the car pulled up to their apartment, Alexis leaned forward trying to see who the man standing near the sidewalk was. As the vehicle stopped and his head perked up, she noticed it was Jooheon, wearing his glasses as he smiled at her holding a bouquet of pink carnations. Her favorite. 

He opened the door and helped her out, the cold wind of October beginning to blowhard. 

“Good evening, how are you?” He closed the door behind her and shoved Alexis hand as it held his into his pocket. 

“I’m good, didn’t expect to see you out here.” Taking the flowers from him, Alexis tried to push away that fluffy feeling in her heart. “These are beautiful, my favorite.” 

“Yea, I remembered you said that, but I also figured I’d mix it up a bit.” He grinned at her, opening the door to the building.

“Does that mean that we play tonight?” 

He seemed a bit taken aback as he smirked and pushed the button for their floor. “Even if I wasn’t I had already planned on waiting for you. Do you not want me to?” 

“No, no.” Cupping the side of his face, she smiled as he leaned his dimpled cheek into her hand to kiss it. “I love it.” 

“Good, but to answer your question, yes, we decided amongst ourselves,” As the door opened he turned back to Alexis. “Of course, you know you can say no and pick who you want.” 

“I know.” 

It was nice however to be reminded that she held such power. Even though she commanded respect, and exuded confidence, some men liked to push boundaries. Some liked to try to remind her that since they paid her, they made the rules. Alexis gave no qualms about giving back money and leaving. A check was not worth her self-respect.

“Good.” 

The guys were happy to see her of course, they always were. Wonho gave her a quick kiss on the lips, followed my Minhyuk who was not to be outdone. Kihyun simply pinched her bottom in greeting as he continued eating his chicken. I.M. and Shownu held her tight with hugs. After greetings were given, the conversation held for a while, some of the guys wound down to watch television, or play video games, while Jooheon and Alexis sat in the kitchen. 

“You’re more laid back today,” Jooheon commented. 

“What do you mean? Physically?” 

“No, you’re clothes, the last few times it was Fendi purses and Louboutins. Dresses. Today is laid back.” 

“Oh,” Honestly she had no idea why that was. She looked down at her coral off-shoulder sweater and pants. “I just wanted to look cute and be comfortable.” 

“You do look cute,” Reaching across the table, Jooheon slipped his fingers in between hers and leaned in close. 

Alexis lifted her head, licking her lips just as he leaned in and kissed her. It was gentle at first, smooth more like little pecks until he pulled Alexis chair close. Hands-on either side of her waist, he rubbed his thumb over the little exposed skin at her waist as he tongue dipped into her mouth. She didn’t mean to open her eyes, but she could hear the soft chuckling of Wonho near her and opened her eyes to see him wave at her.  

Breaking the kiss, Alexis laughed covering her mouth. “Do you have to stare?” 

“Why not? It’s fun, and besides, Jooheon didn’t tell you?” Crossing one leg over the other, Wonho sat back in his easy chair. “He likes that.” 

“Yea he does.” Hyungwon countered. “So, Alexis don’t mind me. Pretend we aren’t here.” 

“Or,” I.M. was feeling a little brave. “Look us in the eyes when he’s making you feel good.” 

That got her to do a double-take, usually, sweet I.M. was the type to observe and make some quiet but tame quips. This stare he was giving her, direct and heated was making Alexis think it was a precursor for something to come. 

“What do you say, baby?” Jooheon twirled one of her spring twists gently. “Want to give them a show? It’s what I love best, hearing you moan under me, all eyes on you while I’m deep in your pussy.” 

The very thought of Joohoney holding her hands above her head, while the rest of the guys looked down on her urging her on was beginning to make the room very hot. Seven pairs of eyes watched from various positions as Alexis stood up. 

“Where do you want me?” 

Between his legs was the answer, on her knees, shirt and bra off between his legs heartily sucking dick. He wasn’t even undressed, he just walked over to his chair, pulled his dick out and waited. Like ordering a maid to stop dusting and to service him, god it got her wet. Joohoney was fat like salami and he eagerly slapped that meat against her lips with her cupped her chin. 

“Make me cum hard.” That was his only instruction and now he was gripping the arms of the couch, while the others watched. They weren’t allowed to touch unless Jooheon instructed and right now he was heartily enjoying the attention that was being lavished upon him. 

Jooheon liked to be watched, he liked to have someone prime and center while he fucked. He liked it even better when the girl wasn’t his and he was fucking her better than whoever she was with could even imagine. He wanted Alexis to have a throat full of his cock and look at his friends dead in the eye. He wanted to have her spread eagle on the floor, gripping the carpet screaming his name while they looked down on her. If he was generous, he’d let them touch themselves, maybe fill her mouth while he was in her ass. He wondered if Alexis would want them to cum on her while he was cumming inside of her? Either way, the way she was bobbing her head up and down, side to side with the way she twisted her hand around and down gripping his cock like she caught a snake was starting to wax on his control. 

She was gorgeous, lips puffy, saliva around her mouth, breasts bouncing as his cock continued to disappear into her mouth. 

“You’re not even going to share a little Jooheon? Don’t be selfish.” Minhyuk was kneeling beside Alexis moving her hair out of the way. 

“Mm,” Jooheon leaned his head back on the couch. “I don’t know, this is too good.” 

Minhyuk bit his bottom lip, reaching his hand out he tweaked one of Alexis nipples causing her to suck harder on Jooheon. “Looks like it, just a little bit, come on it won’t kill you.” 

“Then he’d have to let all of us, you don’t think I want some?” Kihyun was kneeling next to Alexis now as well, his hand squeezing her ass. “You go tomorrow, don’t be greedy.” 

“Until then.” Shownu was standing behind her. “Let me taste her Jooheon, I won’t make her cum but I bet she’s dripping.” 

“So many beggars,” Jooheon joked. “Yea, hyung, you can taste her, you two can jerk your dicks.” 

As Shownu helped Alexis ease of out of her pants, he slapped her hands away as she attempted to pull her panties off. With Jooheon standing now, she squatted, fully exposed to the room. Shownu’s fingers caressed along her slit, her already soaked panties rubbing against her pearl as he moved them to the side and slipped two fingers inside of her. 

“My, my Alexis,” Shownu whispered near her ear. “You’re having as much fun as he is, dare I say you like us watching you sucking Jooheon’s dick?”

Jooheon pulled his dick from her mouth, popping her on the lips. “Answer him, you like sucking me, don’t you baby?” 

“Yes.” God yes. Was what she was saying in her head, but she had no time, as Jooheon lifted his dick and pulled her mouth toward his balls. 

Alexis shuffled and shifted them around in her mouth, while her hand pumped Joohoney’s shaft. 

“Just like that, baby.” He was about to take a page from Minhyuk’s book and fuck her face when he waved his cock in front of her mouth. “Kiss it.” 

Alexis smiled, he really loved his dick being lavished like this, she was keen on giving Jooheon what he wanted though. One, because with a smile like that she’d let him eat her ass, and two he tasted so damn good. Just as she was eagerly praising Jooheon’s dick in her mind, Alexis felt Shownu slide under her thighs. Hands-on her waist, he wasted no time in slurping her down. Lapping his tongue on her clit, pushing it inside of her. Shownu’s hands were on her thighs and stomach rubbing and caressing as his tongue worshipped inside of her temple. She moved her body against his face, biting back a moan as Shownu’s teeth gently passed over her clit, sending an electric shiver down her spine. Oh god, she was close and he knew it, sending his tongue on double time before he slid away mouth glistening. 

“She’s all yours now, and my she’s sweet.” 

Jooheon held the back of Alexis's head, as she sucked hard on the head of his clit, body convulsing with the need to orgasm as Jooheon released inside of her mouth. It was nearly too much, spilling over her lips and down her chin. She had hardly noticed Minhyuk and Kihyun near her, throbbing cocks ready to cum. 

“Come on Joohoney,” Alexis grinned. “Just let them finish.” 

Taking off his shirt, the dimpled rapper shook his head. “Fine, on your face, not in you, that’s my job.” 

Taking Minhyuk in one hand, Alexis swallowed Kihyun with the other, they were quick, already on edge before they quickly covered her neck and chest with their seed. 

On her back she went, Jooheon’s fingers inside of her, his thumb rubbing hard on her clit. “Let them watch you, cum baby.” He leaned forward mouth on her nipples. “I want them to see you unravel.” 

Alexis closed her eyes, mouth open her thighs clamped down on Jooheon’s hand just as the thrill raced through her body and caused her to scream with pleasure. 

“Damn, she’s tight on my fucking hand.” Jooheon pulled his fingers from Alexis cunt and sucked them dry. “I’d let y’all taste, but you’ll have to wait. Come here, baby.” 

Legs on his shoulders, Alexis groaned hardly down from her orgasm as Jooheon shoved every last inch of himself within her. It was a tight fit considering her body just got done convulsing and he was as thick as he was. He made it though, shivering as the backs of her thighs touched his chest and his nose pressed against hers. “All that dick and look at you taking it. Isn’t she pretty Changkyun?” 

“Beautiful, come on Alexis open your eyes.” I.M. was standing above her, his eyes on her face. 

It was a chore to open them, heavy breaths dragging in and out of her lungs as Jooheon’s thumb rubbed on her clit and her pussy ached, squeezing hard around his cock. I.M.’s loving gaze was on her though, watching attentively to the way her hands gripped the carpet around her. 

“I wanna cum again.” Alexis breathed out hard turning her face to the left. 

“Oh, you hear that?” Wonho was near. “Doesn’t she feel so hot and soft, Jooheon? Fuck her harder, I want to hear her moan again.” 

“My pleasure, but first.” 

It was too hard to pull himself from her, but he had to, flipping Alexis onto her hands and knees, face on the carpet. 

Slap

Slap

Slap

His balls were bouncing on the pussy the harder he pushed himself into her. Alexis reached out in front of her, head to the side she looked up and saw them. Six pairs of eyes staring down at her, smiling as she let body go and screamed for the second time.

Night Four: Minhyuk

[blackkudos]

Harold Washington

Harold Lee Washington (April 15, 1922 – November 25, 1987) was an American lawyer and politician who was the 51st Mayor of Chicago. Washington became the first African American to be elected as the city's mayor in February 1983. He served as mayor from April 29, 1983 until his death on November 25, 1987. Born in Chicago and raised in the Bronzeville neighborhood, Washington became involved in local 3rd Ward politics under Chicago Alderman and future Congressman Ralph Metcalfe after graduating from Roosevelt University and Northwestern University School of Law. Washington was a member of the U.S. House of Representatives from 1981 to 1983, representing Illinois's first district. Washington had previously served in the Illinois State Senate and the Illinois House of Representatives from 1965 until 1976.

Biography

Ancestry

The earliest known ancestor of Harold Lee Washington, Isam/Isham Washington, was born a slave in 1832 in North Carolina. In 1864 he enlisted in the 8th United States Colored Heavy Artillery, Company L, in Paducah, Kentucky. Following his discharge in 1866, he began farming with his wife Rebecca Neal in Ballard County, Kentucky. Among their six children was Isam/Isom McDaniel (Mack) Washington, who was born in 1875. In 1896, Mack Washington had married Arbella Weeks of Massac County, who had been born in Mississippi in 1878. In 1897, their first son, Roy L. Washington, father of Mayor Washington was born in Ballard County, Kentucky. In 1903, shortly after both families moved to Massac County, Illinois, the elder Washington died. After farming for a time, Mack Washington became a minister in the African Methodist Episcopal (A.M.E.) Church, serving numerous churches in Illinois until the death of his wife in 1952. Reverend I.M.D. Washington died in 1953.

Early life and education

Harold Lee Washington was born on April 15, 1922 at Cook County Hospital in Chicago, Illinois, to Roy and Bertha Washington. While still in high school in Lawrenceville, Illinois, Roy met Bertha from nearby Carrier Mills and the two married in 1916 in Harrisburg, Illinois. Their first son, Roy Jr., was born in Carrier Mills before the family moved to Chicago where Roy enrolled in Kent College of Law. A lawyer, he became one of the first black precinct captains in the city, and a Methodist minister. In 1918, daughter Geneva was born and second son Edward was born in 1920. Bertha left the family, possibly to seek her fortune as a singer, and the couple divorced in 1928. Bertha remarried and had seven more children including Ramon Price, who was an artist and eventually became chief curator of The DuSable Museum of African American History. Harold Washington grew up in Bronzeville, a Chicago neighborhood that was the center of black culture for the entire Midwest in the early and middle 20th century. Edward and Harold stayed with their father while Roy Jr and Geneva were cared by grandparents. After attending St Benedict the Moor Boarding School in Milwaukee from 1928 to 1932, Washington attended DuSable High School, then a newly established racially segregated public high school, and was a member of its first graduating class. In a 1939 citywide track meet, Washington placed first in the 110-meter high hurdles event, and second in the 220-meter low hurdles event. Between his junior and senior year of high school, Washington dropped out, claiming that he no longer felt challenged by the coursework. He worked at a meatpacking plant for a time before his father helped him get a job at the U.S. Treasury branch in the city. There he met Nancy Dorothy Finch, whom he married soon after; Washington was 19 years old and Dorothy was 17 years old. Seven months later, the U.S. was drawn into World War II with the bombing of Pearl Harbor by the Japanese on Sunday, December 7, 1941.

Military service

In 1942, Washington was drafted into the United States Army for the war effort and after basic training, sent overseas as part of a racially segregated unit of the U.S. Army Air Corps unit of Engineers. After the American invasion of the Philippines in 1944, on Leyte Island and later the main Luzon island, Washington was part of a unit building runways for bombers, protective fighter aircraft, refueling planes, and returning damaged aircraft. Eventually, Washington rose to the rank of First Sergeant in the Army Air Corps (later in the war renamed the U.S. Army Air Forces).

Roosevelt College

In the summer of 1946, Washington, aged 24 and a war veteran, enrolled at Roosevelt College (now Roosevelt University). Washington joined other groups of students not permitted to enroll in other local colleges. Local estimates placed the student population of Roosevelt College at about 1/8 black and 1/2 Jewish. A full 75% of the students had enrolled because of the "nondiscriminatory progressive principles." He chaired a fund-raising drive by students, and then was named to a committee that supported citywide efforts to outlaw "restrictive covenants" in housing, the legal means by which minorities (especially blacks ("negroes") and, to a lesser extent, Jews) were prohibited from purchasing real estate in predominantly white neighborhoods of the city.

In 1948, after the college had moved to the Auditorium Building, Washington was elected the third president of Roosevelt's student council. Under his leadership, the student council successfully petitioned the college to have student representation on Roosevelt's faculty committees. At the first regional meeting of the newly founded National Student Association in the spring of 1948, Washington and nine other delegates proposed student representation on college faculties, and a "Bill of Rights" for students; both measures were roundly defeated. The next year, Washington went to the state capital at Springfield to protest Illinois legislators' coming probe of "subversives". The probe of investigation would outlaw the Communist Party and require "loyalty oaths" for teachers. He led students' opposition to the bills, although they would pass later in 1949.

During his Roosevelt College years, Washington came to be known for his stability. His friends said that he had a "remarkable ability to keep cool", reason carefully and walk a middle line. Washington intentionally avoided extremist activities, including street actions and sit-ins against racially segregated restaurants and businesses. Overall, Washington and other radical activists ended up sharing a mutual respect for each other, acknowledging both Washington's pragmatism and the activists' idealism. With the opportunities found only at Roosevelt College in the late 1940s, Washington's time at the Roosevelt College proved to be pivotal. Washington graduated in August 1949, with a Bachelor of Arts (B.A.) degree. In addition to his activities at Roosevelt, he was a member of Phi Beta Sigma fraternity.

Northwestern University School of Law

Washington then applied and was admitted to study law at the Northwestern University School of Law in Chicago. During this time, Washington was divorced from Dorothy Finch. By some accounts, Harold and Dorothy had simply grown apart after Washington was sent overseas during the war during the first year of his marriage. Others saw both as young and headstrong, the relationship doomed from the beginning. Another friend of Washington's deemed Harold "not the marrying kind." He would not marry again, but continued to have relationships with other women; his longtime secretary is said to have said, "If every woman Harold slept with stood at one end of City Hall, the building would sink five inches into LaSalle Street!".

At Northwestern Law School, Washington was the only black student in his class (there were six women in the class, one of them being Dawn Clark Netsch). As at Roosevelt, he entered school politics. In 1951, his last year, he was elected treasurer of the Junior Bar Association (JBA). The election was largely symbolic, however, and Washington's attempts to give the JBA more authority at Northwestern were largely unsuccessful. On campus, Washington joined the Nu Beta Epsilon fraternity, largely because he and the other minorities which constituted the fraternity were blatantly excluded from the other fraternities on campus. Overall, Washington stayed away from the activism that defined his years at Roosevelt. During the evenings and weekends, he worked to supplement his GI Bill income. He received his JD in 1952.

Legislative political career

Working for Metcalfe (1951–1965)

From 1951 until he was first slated for election in 1965, Washington worked in the offices of the 3rd Ward Alderman, former Olympic athlete Ralph Metcalfe. Richard J. Daley was elected party chairman in 1952. Daley replaced C.C. Wimbush, an ally of William Dawson, on the party committee with Metcalfe. Under Metcalfe, the 3rd Ward was a critical factor in Mayor Daley's 1955 mayoral election victory and ranked first in the city in the size of its Democratic plurality in 1961. While working under Metcalfe, Washington began to organize the 3rd Ward's Young Democrats (YD) organization. At YD conventions, the 3rd Ward would push for numerous resolutions in the interest of blacks. Eventually, other black YD organizations would come to the 3rd Ward headquarters for advice on how to run their own organizations. Like he had at Roosevelt College, Washington avoided radicalism and preferred to work through the party to engender change.

While working with the Young Democrats, Washington met Mary Ella Smith. They dated for the next 20 years, and in 1983 Washington proposed to Smith. In an interview with the Chicago Sun-Times, Smith said that she never pressed Washington for marriage because she knew Washington's first love was politics, saying, "He was a political animal. He thrived on it, and I knew any thoughts of marriage would have to wait. I wasn't concerned about that. I just knew the day would come."

In 1959 Al Janney, Gus Savage, Lemuel Bentley, Bennett Johnson, Luster Jackson and others founded the Chicago League of Negro Voters, one of the first African-American political organizations in the city. In its first election, Bentley drew 60,000 votes for city clerk. The endorsement of the League was deciding factor in the re-election of Leon DesPres who was an independent voice in the City Council. Washington was a close friend of the founders of the League and worked with them from time to time. The League was key in electing Anna Langford, William Cousins and A. A. "Sammy" Rayner who were not part of the Daley machine. In 1963 the group moved to racially integrate and formed Protest at the Polls at a citywide conference which Washington independent candidates had gained traction within the black community, winning several aldermanic seats. In 1983, Protest at the Polls was instrumental in Washington's run for mayor. By then, the YDs were losing to independent candidates.

Illinois House (1965–1976)

After the state legislature failed to reapportion districts as required by the census every ten years, an at-large election was held in January 1965 to elect 177 representatives. With the Republicans and Democrats combining to slate only 118 candidates, independent voting groups seized the opportunity to slate candidates. The League of Negro Voters created a "Third Slate" of 59 candidates, announcing the slate on June 27, 1964. Shortly afterwards, Daley put together a slate including Adlai Stevenson III and Washington. The Third Slate was then thrown out by the Illinois Election Board because of "insufficient signatures" on the nominating petitions. In the election, Washington received the second-largest amount of ballots, behind Stevenson. Washington's years in the Illinois House were marked by tension with Democratic Party leadership. In 1967, he was ranked by the Independent Voters of Illinois (IVI) as the fourth-most independent legislator in the Illinois House and named Best Legislator of the Year. His defiance of the "idiot card", a sheet of paper that directed legislators' votes on every issue, attracted the attention of party leaders, who moved to remove Washington from his legislative position. Daley often told Metcalfe to dump Washington as a candidate, but Metcalfe did not want to risk losing the 3rd Ward's Young Democrats, who were mostly aligned with Washington.

Washington backed Renault Robinson, a black police officer and one of the founders of the Afro-American Patrolmen's League (AAPL). The aim of the AAPL was to fight racism directed against minority officers by the rest of the predominantly white department. Soon after the creation of the group, Robinson was written up for minor infractions, suspended, reinstated, and then placed on the graveyard shift to a single block behind central police headquarters. Robinson approached Washington to fashion a bill creating a civilian review board, consisting of both patrolmen and officers, to monitor police brutality. Both black independent and white liberal legislators refused to back the bill, afraid to challenge Daley's grip on the police force.

After Washington announced he would support the AAPL, Metcalfe refused to protect him from Daley. Washington believed he had the support of John Touhy, Speaker of the House and a former party chair. Instead, Touhy criticized Washington and then allayed Daley's anger. In exchange for the party's backing, Washington would serve on the Chicago Crime Commission, the group Daley formed to investigate the AAPL's charges. The commission promptly found the AAPL's charges "unwarranted". An angry and humiliated Washington admitted that on the commission, he felt like Daley's "showcase ni***r". In 1969, Daley removed Washington's name from the slate; only by the intervention of Cecil Partee, a party loyalist, was Washington reinstated. The Democratic Party supported Jim Taylor, a former professional boxer, Streets and Sanitation worker, over Washington. With Partee and his own ward's support, Washington defeated Taylor. His years in the House of Representatives were focused on becoming an advocate for black rights. He continued work on the Fair Housing Act, and worked to strengthen the state's Fair Employment Practices Commission (FEPC). In addition, he worked on a state Civil Rights Act, which would strengthen employment and housing provisions in the federal Civil Rights Act of 1964. In his first session, all of his bills were sent to committee or tabled. Like his time in Roosevelt College, Washington relied on parliamentary tactics (e.g., writing amendments guaranteed to fail in a vote) to enable him to bargain for more concessions.

Washington was accused of failure to file a tax return, even though the tax was paid. He was found guilty and sentenced to 36 days in jail. (1971)

Washington also passed bills honoring civil rights figures. He passed a resolution honoring Metcalfe, his mentor. He also passed a resolution honoring James J. Reeb, a Unitarian minister who was beaten to death in Selma, Alabama by a segregationist mob. After the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr., he introduced a series of bills aimed at making King's birthday a state holiday. The first was tabled and later vetoed. The third bill he introduced, which was passed and signed Gov. Richard Ogilvie, made Dr. King's birthday a commemorative day observed by Illinois public schools. It was not until 1973 that Washington was able, with Partee's help in the Senate, to have the bill enacted and signed by the governor.

1975 speakership campaign

Washington ran a largely symbolic campaign for Speaker. He only received votes from himself and from Lewis A. H. Caldwell. However, with a divided Democratic caucus, this was enough to help deny Daley-backed Clyde Choate the nomination, helping to throw it to William A. Redmond after 92 rounds of voting.

Redmond had Washington appointed as chairman of the Judiciary Committee.

Illinois Senate (1976–1980)Campaign for Illinois Senate

In 1975, Partee, now President of the Senate and eligible for his pension, decided to retire from the Senate. Although Daley and Taylor declined at first, at Partee's insistence, Washington was ultimately slated for the seat and received the party's support. Daley had been displeased with Washington for having run a symbolic challenge in 1975 to Daley-backed Clyde Choate for Illinois Speaker of the House (Washington had only received two votes). He had also helped ultimately push the vote towards Redmond as a compromise candidate. The United Automobile Workers union, whose backing Washington obtained, were critical in persuading Daley to relent to back his candidacy.

Washington defeated Anna Langford by nearly 2,000 votes in the Democratic primary. He went on to win the general election.

Human Rights Act of 1980

In the Illinois Senate, Washington's main focus worked to pass 1980's Illinois Human Rights Act. Legislators rewrote all of the human rights laws in the state, restricting discrimination based on "race, color, religion, sex, national origin, ancestry, age, marital status, physical or mental disability, military status, sexual orientation, or unfavorable discharge from military service in connection with employment, real estate transactions, access to financial credit, and the availability of public accommodations." The bill's origins began in 1970 with the rewriting of the Illinois Constitution. The new constitution required all governmental agencies and departments to be reorganized for efficiency. Republican governor James R. Thompson reorganized low-profile departments before his re-election in 1978. In 1979, during the early stages of his second term and immediately in the aftermath of the largest vote for a gubernatorial candidate in the state's history, Thompson called for human rights reorganization. The bill would consolidate and remove some agencies, eliminating a number of political jobs. Some Democratic legislators would oppose any measure backed by Washington, Thompson and Republican legislators.

For many years, human rights had been a campaign issue brought up and backed by Democrats. Thompson's staffers brought the bill to Washington and other black legislators before it was presented to the legislature. Washington made adjustments in anticipation of some legislators' concerns regarding the bill, before speaking for it in April 1979. On May 24, 1979, the bill passed the Senate by a vote of 59 to 1, with two voting present and six absent. The victory in the Senate was attributed by a Thompson staffer to Washington's "calm noncombative presentation". However, the bill stalled in the House. State Representative Susan Catania insisted on attaching an amendment to allow women guarantees in the use of credit cards. This effort was assisted by Carol Moseley Braun, a representative from Hyde Park who would later go on to serve as a U.S. Senator. State Representatives Jim Taylor and Larry Bullock introduced over one hundred amendments, including the text of the first ten amendments to the U.S. Constitution, to try to stall the bill. With Catania's amendment, the bill passed the House, but the Senate refused to accept the amendment. On June 30, 1979, the legislature adjourned.

U.S. House (1981–1983)

In 1980, Washington was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives in Illinois's 1st congressional district. He defeated incumbent Representative Bennett Stewart in the Democratic primary. Anticipating that the Democratic Party would challenge him in his bid for re-nomination in 1982, Washington spent much of his first term campaigning for re-election, often travelling back to Chicago to campaign. Washington missed many House votes, an issue that would come up in his campaign for mayor in 1983. Washington's major congressional accomplishment involved legislation to extend the Voting Rights Act, legislation that opponents had argued was only necessary in an emergency. Others, including Congressman Henry Hyde, had submitted amendments designed to seriously weaken the power of the Voting Rights Act.

Although he had been called "crazy" for railing in the House of Representatives against deep cuts to social programs, Associated Press political reporter Mike Robinson noted that Washington worked "quietly and thoughtfully" as the time came to pass the act. During hearings in the South regarding the Voting Rights Act, Washington asked questions that shed light on tactics used to prevent African Americans from voting (among them, closing registration early, literacy tests, and gerrymandering). After the amendments were submitted on the floor, Washington spoke from prepared speeches that avoided rhetoric and addressed the issues. As a result, the amendments were defeated, and Congress passed the Voting Rights Act Extension. By the time Washington faced re-election in 1982, he had cemented his popularity in the 1st Congressional District. Jane Byrne could not find one serious candidate to run against Washington for his re-election campaign. He had collected 250,000 signatures to get on the ballot, although only 610 signatures (0.5% of the voters in the previous election) were required. With his re-election to Congress locked up, Washington turned his attention to the next Chicago mayoral election.

Mayor of Chicago (1983–1987)

1983 election

In the February 22, 1983, Democratic mayoral primary, more than 100,000 new voters registered to vote led by a coalition that included the Latino reformed gang Young Lords led by Jose Cha Cha Jimenez. On the North and Northwest Sides, the incumbent mayor Jane Byrne led and future mayor Richard M. Daley, son of the late Mayor Richard J. Daley, finished a close second. Harold Washington had massive majorities on the South and West Sides. Southwest Side voters overwhelmingly supported Daley. Washington won with 37% of the vote, versus 33% for Byrne and 30% for Daley. Although winning the Democratic primary was normally considered tantamount to election in heavily Democratic Chicago, after his primary victory Washington found that his Republican opponent, former state legislator Bernard Epton (earlier considered a nominal stand-in), was supported by many high-ranking Democrats and their ward organizations, including the chairman of the Cook County Democratic Party, Alderman Edward Vrdolyak.

Epton's campaign referred to, among other things, Washington's conviction for failure to file income tax returns (he had paid the taxes, but had not filed a return). Washington, on the other hand, stressed reforming the Chicago patronage system and the need for a jobs program in a tight economy. In the April 12, 1983, mayoral general election, Washington defeated Epton by 3.7%, 51.7% to 48.0%, to become mayor of Chicago. Washington was sworn in as mayor on April 29, 1983, and resigned his Congressional seat the following day.

First term and Council Wars

During his tenure as mayor, Washington lived at the Hampton House apartments in the Hyde Park neighborhood of Chicago. He created the city's first environmental-affairs department under the management of longtime Great Lakes environmentalist Lee Botts. Washington's first term in office was characterized by conflict with the city council dubbed "Council Wars", referring to the then-recent Star Wars films and caused Chicago to be nicknamed "Beirut on the Lake". A 29-alderman City Council majority refused to enact Washington's legislation and prevented him from appointing nominees to boards and commissions. First-term challenges included city population loss and a massive decrease in ridership on the Chicago Transit Authority (CTA). Assertions that the overall crime rate increased were incorrect.

The 29, also known as the "Vrdolyak 29", were led by Vrdolyak (who was an Alderman in addition to Cook County Democratic Party chairman) and Finance Chair, Alderman Edward Burke. Parks superintendent Edmund Kelly also opposed the mayor. The three were known as "the Eddies" and were supported by the younger Daley (now State's Attorney), U.S. Congressmen Dan Rostenkowski and William Lipinski, and much of the Democratic Party. During his first city council meeting, Washington and the 21 supportive aldermen walked out of the meeting after a quorum had been established. Vrdolyak and the other 28 then chose committee chairmen and assigned aldermen to the various committees. Later lawsuits submitted by Washington and others were dismissed because it was determined that the appointments were legally made. Washington ruled by veto. The 29 lacked the 30th vote they needed to override Washington's veto; female and African American aldermen supported Washington despite pressure from the Eddies. Meanwhile, in the courts, Washington kept the pressure on to reverse the redistricting of city council wards that the city council had created during the Byrne years. During special elections in 1986, victorious Washington-backed candidates in the first round ensured at least 24 supporters in the city council. Six weeks later, when Marlene Carter and Luís Gutiérrez won run-off elections, Washington had the 25 aldermen he needed. His vote as president of the City Council enabled him to break 25–25 tie-votes and enact his programs.

1987 election

Washington defeated former mayor Jane Byrne in the February 24, 1987 Democratic mayoral primary by 7.2%, 53.5% to 46.3%, and in the April 7, 1987 mayoral general election defeated Vrdolyak (Illinois Solidarity Party) by 11.8%, 53.8% to 42.8%, with Northwestern University business professor Donald Haider (Republican) getting 4.3%, to win reelection to a second term as mayor. Cook County Assessor Thomas Hynes (Chicago First Party), a Daley ally, dropped out of the race 36 hours before the mayoral general election. During Washington's short second term, the Eddies lost much of their power: Vrdolyak became a Republican, Kelly was removed from his powerful parks post, and Burke lost his Finance Committee chairmanship.

Political Education Project (PEP)

From March 1984 to 1987, the Political Education Project (PEP) served as Washington's political arm, organizing both Washington's campaigns and the campaigns of his political allies. Harold Washington established the Political Education Project in 1984. This organization supported Washington's interests in electoral politics beyond the Office of the Mayor. PEP helped organize political candidates for statewide elections in 1984 and managed Washington's participation in the 1984 Democratic National Convention as a "favorite son" presidential candidate. PEP used its political connections to support candidates such as Luis Gutiérrez and Jesús "Chuy" García through field operations, voter registration and Election Day poll monitoring. Once elected, these aldermen helped break the stalemate between Washington and his opponents in the city council. Due to PEP's efforts, Washington's City Council legislation gained ground and his popularity grew as the 1987 mayoral election approached. In preparation for the 1987 mayoral election, PEP formed the Committee to Re-Elect Mayor Washington. This organization carried out fundraising for the campaign, conducted campaign events, and coordinated volunteers. PEP staff members, such as Joseph Gardner and Helen Shiller, went on to play leading roles in Chicago politics.

The organization disbanded upon Harold Washington's death. Harold Washington's Political Education Project Records is an archival collection detailing the organization's work. It is located in the Chicago Public Library Special Collections, Harold Washington Library Center, Chicago, Illinois.

Legal issues

In addition to Daley's strong-arm tactics, Washington's time in the Illinois House was also marred by problems with tax returns and allegations of not performing services owed to his clients. In her biography, Levinsohn questions whether the timing of Washington's legal troubles was politically motivated. In November 1966, Washington was re-elected to the House over Daley's strong objections; the first complaint was filed in 1964; the second was filed by January 1967. A letter asking Washington to explain the matter was sent on January 5, 1967. After failing to respond to numerous summons and subpoenas, the commission recommend a five-year suspension on March 18, 1968. A formal response to the charges did not occur until July 10, 1969. In his reply, Washington said that "sometimes personal problems are enlarged out of proportion to the entire life picture at the time and the more important things are abandoned." In 1970, the Board of Managers of the Chicago Bar Association ruled that Washington's license be suspended for only one year, not the five recommended; the total amount in question between all six clients was $205.

In 1971, Washington was charged with failure to file tax returns for four years, although the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) claimed to have evidence for nineteen years. Judge Sam Perry noted that he was "disturbed that this case ever made it to my courtroom" — while Washington had paid his taxes, he ended up owing the government a total of $508 as a result of not filing his returns. Typically, the IRS handled such cases in civil court, or within its bureaucracy. Washington pleaded "no contest" and was sentenced to forty days in Cook County Jail, a $1,000 fine, and three years of probation.

Death and funeral

On November 25, 1987, at 11:00 am, Chicago Fire Department paramedics were called to City Hall. Washington's press secretary, Alton Miller, had been discussing school board issues with the mayor when Washington suddenly slumped over on his desk, falling unconscious. After failing to revive Washington in his office, paramedics rushed him to Northwestern Memorial Hospital. Further attempts to revive him failed, and Washington was pronounced dead at 1:36 pm At Daley Plaza, Patrick Keen, project director for the Westside Habitat for Humanity, announced Washington's official time of death to a separate gathering of Chicagoans. Initial reactions to the pronouncement of his death were of shock and sadness, as many blacks believed that Washington was the only top Chicago official who would address their concerns. Thousands of Chicagoans attended his wake in the lobby of City Hall between November 27 and 29, 1987. On November 30, 1987, Reverend B. Herbert Martin officiated Washington's funeral service in Christ Universal Temple at 119th Street and Ashland Avenue in Chicago. After the service, Washington was buried in Oak Woods Cemetery on the South Side of Chicago.

Rumors

Immediately after Washington's death, rumors about how Washington died began to surface. On January 6, 1988, Dr. Antonio Senat, Washington's personal physician, denied "unfounded speculations" that Washington had cocaine in his system at the time of his death, or that foul play was involved. Cook County Medical Examiner Robert J. Stein performed an autopsy on Washington and concluded that Washington had died of a heart attack. Washington had weighed 284 pounds (129 kg), and suffered from hypertension, high cholesterol levels, and an enlarged heart. On June 20, 1988, Alton Miller again indicated that drug reports on Washington had come back negative, and that Washington had not been poisoned prior to his death. Dr. Stein stated that the only drug in Washington's system had been lidocaine, which is used to stabilize the heart after a heart attack takes place. The drug was given to Washington either by paramedics or by doctors at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. Bernard Epton, Washington's opponent in the 1983 general election, died 18 days later, on December 13, 1987.

Legacy

At a party held shortly after his re-election on April 7, 1987, Washington said to a group of supporters, "In the old days, when you told people in other countries that you were from Chicago, they would say, 'Boom-boom! Rat-a-tat-tat!' Nowadays, they say [crowd joins with him], 'How's Harold?'!"

In later years, various city facilities and institutions were named or renamed after the late mayor to commemorate his legacy. The new building housing the main branch of the Chicago Public Library, located at 400 South State Street, was named the Harold Washington Library Center. The Chicago Public Library Special Collections, located on the building's 9th floor, house the Harold Washington Archives and Collections. These archives hold numerous collections related to Washington's life and political career.

Five months after Washington's sudden death in office, a ceremony was held on April 19, 1988, changing the name of Loop College, one of the City Colleges of Chicago, to Harold Washington College. Harold Washington Elementary School in Chicago's Chatham neighborhood is also named after the former mayor. In August 2004, the 40,000-square-foot (3,700 m2) Harold Washington Cultural Center opened to the public in the Bronzeville neighborhood. Across from the Hampton House apartments where Washington lived, a city park was renamed Harold Washington Park, which was known for "Harold's Parakeets", a colony of feral monk parakeets that inhabited Ash Trees in the park. A building on the campus of Chicago State University is named Harold Washington Hall.

Six months after Washington's death, School of the Art Institute of Chicago student David Nelson painted Mirth & Girth, a full-length portrait depicting Washington wearing women's lingerie. The work was unveiled on May 11, 1988, opening day of SAIC's annual student exhibition. Within hours, City aldermen and members of the Chicago Police Department seized the painting. It was later returned, but with a five-inch (13 cm) gash in the canvas. Nelson, assisted by the ACLU, filed a federal lawsuit against the city, claiming that the painting's confiscation and subsequent damaging violated his First Amendment rights. The complainants eventually split a US$95,000 (1994, US$138,000 in 2008) settlement from the city.

[dredshirtroberts]

Naming and Other Fun Things You Can Do With Your Trauma

Below will follow my journey to where I am today with my sexuality and romantic attraction levels and kind of be a look at where I might be with it all at this time. Because I want to figure shit out about myself for me, not because it actually matters right now, and I think taking a look at The Shit™ I’ve put myself through romantically will be a good jumping off point.

I might get TMI, as a warning, because I’m not good at keeping things to myself online. So be aware of that.

Alright so...how far back to I go? Do I start with the most recent endeavors or do I end with them? How do we accomplish this task.

Let’s start with actual romantical feelings I guess. I had a crush on the same guy for 7 years. There were other crushes during that time, one of which extended well past the end of my crush with the first guy. The 7 Year Crush was a guy I knew from church. He was a whole year older than me and he was Cool™. He had the cool guy haircut, everyone at school knew him, his parents were well known in the area, he played guitar. I liked him from age 7 to age 14 with no breaks. I finally got over him but it took a long time.

Now We’re Best Friends was fun. I acquired that crush around 10 or 11 or so - another church kid, again around a year older than me. They’re non-binary now, and one of my best friends. My crush on them was like...at least 10 years long. Again, there were some others that came and went during that time but I was a bit obsessed. They’re still really fuckin pretty but I’m at least aware they’re not actually my type and we would have been super incompatible so thanks to the universe for steering me away from that one.

The David Incident was...an attempt to get away from Now We’re Best Friends. I was 16 (going on 17, dahdah dee dahdeedaahhh). I knew him through some of the people we hung out with (ironically, NWBF was one of those people. I had a very small circle I interacted with - I’d say I was friends with them but they turned out to not be very good friends so, yeah...). We’d hung out at a couple of “parties” our mutualest friend held. I went to my sister’s dance recital for the dance school that same mutualest friend went to, so The David Incident was there watching her perform I guess. I never questioned why he was there I just knew he was. Why was he there? They weren’t that close.... huh.

Anyway, he complimented a necklace I’d gotten from my Nana that year for my birthday that I was wearing to the event (cause you dress up nice for your lil sister’s dance recital. Especially because the entire family shows up). We texted a bit and he asked me out on a date. We hung out pretty regularly for about 2 weeks. Mostly watching documentaries and making out, honestly. He tasted like doritos. It was kinda gross. He was also, I would later find out, a conservative neckbeard, so dodged a fucking bullet when he left me for his ex girlfriend he wasn’t over yet. They broke up again three months later and he’s married now to someone he met in college through the military program at the school. 

I’m jumping over the Really Bad Choices I Made At Church Camp because he was technically too old for the event, I knew him for a total of 3 days, and he proposed to me after a week of text-only conversation. He also went into the military. This...actually this does become a theme. All my absolute worst decisions went into the military. Hmm.

Anyway where was I...

Okay so Really Bad Church Camp Choices, The David Incident...

And then I was on my own until I was in college. I’m going to count this next one as a contributing factor even though the entire relationship was completely platonic with no intention of going further (except..did I want it to? We’ll go into that I guess).

I Should Have Known Better is what I’ll call this one. This is the only relationship I had with a woman that will be listed on here because most of my relationships with women are friendship only. But this was...a lot more intense than just friendship. And I at one point wanted to be more than friends with her. 

We met in class while I was in college. I had just come back from the deep south and was high on Megachurch Neo Baptist Doctrine and also whatever the people in the parking lot of the school were smoking during breaks between classes. It was probably weed. We struggled with the class because the class was shit and taught by someone who could not teach and would not recognize her own failings.

I Should Have Known Better was the first person since I’d started attending college courses to talk to me about things that weren’t class related. She invited me to hang out - she was 3 years older than me, lived on her own (with roommates, but it felt like she had the place to herself), she had a dog, and she did Grown Up Things like drinking and she sometimes smoked weed and my tiny freshly converted and c-sectioned out of the womb of attempting to be born again heart was all a pitterpatter at the thought that I was an adult and I could do that. She got me involved in online dating, we went to Disney together where I footed most of the bill (this is also where my financial struggles started up, though there was a nice long period where I was doing very well by my standards which are low but not bad). We decided to move in together because we were able to stand being around one another all the time and enjoyed it. We talked about becoming even adultier adults and moving into houses right next door to one another, where we’d have our husbands and we’d hang out all the time and it’d be great. There was one point shortly after our move where she had a pregnancy scare, and I was prepared to become the dad of that baby because the potential father was Not Good. Thankfully it was unfounded, but that’s how invested I was with her.

The place we moved into we shared with 2 other girls. These girls did not mesh well with I Should Have Known and this is where the name comes from. She didn’t handle the conflict well, none of us did, because none of us were over the age of 24. But I knew I Should Have Known and I knew it wasn’t her fault that all these other girls didn’t like her, they were just bitches who were immature because that’s what she told me they were. I never really knew the other side of the story.

Anyway we were 4 months into our lease and ISHK wanted the two of us to break the lease and move out. I couldn’t afford moving out and potentially owing 2 rents. The landlord wouldn’t let us out of the lease just because we (she) didn’t get along with the people we moved in with. They were all unwilling to try a subleasing agreement, and I had to make a decision as to whether or not I was going to owe rent at 2 separate places. Mind you, of the two of us I was the only one with a steady job and I was able to make rent and bills and feed 2 people. That was it, that was all I was able to do. I couldn’t afford her rent on top of mine - her dad was helping her.

And the thought that I could move in with her somewhere where it would just be the two of us and I might have to cover my rent (an unknown at this point), the rent at the place we were currently living, our food and bills, and potentially part of her rent if her dad wasn’t willing to help with 2 separate rents? I couldn’t do that. I consulted the cards, I freaked out and went to my family that she’d been slowly working on pitting me against for the past year or so of knowing her, went back to the cards, and spent the entirety of Thanksgiving break just in the worst state. I have always bitten my nails, especially when things get stressful. That was the first time I drew blood and it happened on more than one finger. It was bad.

I told her I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave the apartment. After the lease was up I’d be more than happy to change locations because it was only one year. She...didn’t like that. She told me that staying would ruin her mental health which was already bad, she told me that it would kill her to stay, that living with these two other girls was signing her death warrant.

That was the first time I didn’t just let someone talk me into something I didn’t want to do. Thinking about it is kind of giving me some really shitty reactions in my chest, but...but I did it. I told her I wasn’t going to leave. I sat through her reaction, I planned for her to tell me to never speak to her again, to give her back all the things she’d ever given me or lent me or anything. I sorted out my laundry so I could have her items separate. I was planning on losing my best friend because she couldn’t live with two other people.

The argument that caused all of this, by the way? Dirty dishes. I was the one who ended up cleaning them, as a side note.

ISHK ended up inducing vomiting in the shower after our major blow out about it, while I was sorting through the items she’d given me. I don’t know if it really was that she was crying so hard that she vomited or if she did it on purpose. She told me when she was done that she didn’t want to lose me as a friend, and that she’d stay with me because she couldn’t leave on her own, and also because it wasn’t fair that I be subjected to these two evil girls by myself. She had me clean the bathtub after her, and I did it. I was just glad she wasn’t angry at me and wasn’t leaving me.

Things were strained. She met a guy online, they hit it off over winter break. She’d gone to be with her parents during that time so it was literally just me and one of the other girls in the apartment for nearly a month. Learned some of the other side of the story on that one.

She comes back, she brings the guy with her to hang out. We smoke weed together, he seems alright. They plan on making brownies. You know, special brownies. In the communal kitchen. 

She has me go to the one other girl - the one I spent time with during the winter break because it was just the two of us in the apartment - to make sure that it was okay. Even though no matter what the answer was, it was going to happen anyway. The other girl was not pleased, because our agreement was that she and I could smoke but we kept it to our wing of the apartment.

Thankfully this other girl did seem to recognize that I would not do something that directly went against what we’d all agreed on if the other party said no had ISHK not been there. The cops were called, only ISHK got in trouble (she could have lumped me in with her, but she was trying to keep her new boyfriend out of trouble. She didn’t have to, I guess). This did not help relations with the other roommates, of course. She was convinced it was the one who I’d stayed with over the holidays that had caused all the trouble - when not only was that kind of a projection, but also inaccurate because the person who hadn’t been doing their dishes in the first place was the 4th roommate who has been relatively unmentioned due to the fact that I barely spoke to her.

She moved in with her boyfriend when the lease was up, they eventually got married. She did a volunteer stint with a group who she later introduced me to. I feared losing her after the November Incident and let her use me like a doormat a lot more after that. Through the volunteer group I met my next mistake, but we’ll get there. She actually pushed me into trying to have a relationship with him, but I’ve now learned that I should probably not date people who identify as heavily armed and armored combat vehicles so at least there’s that.

I became so attached to this woman that I wanted to be in a more romantically inclined relationship with her and her husband. I never brought this up specifically but we were entirely too codependent on one another. She required me to build herself up and validate her worldview. I required her because I felt I had no one else.

Through the volunteer group I learned that that’s not how healthy friendships or relationships look for the most part. There were aspects that weren’t so bad, of course. I wouldn’t have been her friend for four years straight otherwise. But we were not healthy together. She may not have been abusive necessarily but she and I were toxic together.

And I should have known. At least that something was wrong earlier than I did. Because of her I moved away from my hometown. The intention was to be closer to her. Everything was finalized and then...I had to make a decision. It was her or the new group of friends who didn’t require me to be anything more than myself. I could explore my boundaries and enforce them in a safe and healthy environment and they would be respected. I had people who supported me and loved me and didn’t mind that I was a little strange because they were all a little strange and I loved them for it. Still do, by the way. <3

So my choices were someone who made me choose between being financially stable or potentially ruining everything I’d just set up four months out of my parents house and got mad at me when I made the right decision because it wasn’t what she wanted. Someone who tried to turn me against my family and very nearly succeeded - whether it’s what she intended or not that’s what she was doing. Someone who when I told her I shouldn’t have to choose because 1) it really wasn’t as big a deal as she was making it out to be and 2) I shouldn’t have known ANYTHING about the situation, specifically the things that were supposed to be confidential between her and the main person she had an issue with (who happened to have a very dominant personality - this was a theme), she told me she felt like killing herself.

And if she killed herself because of this it was my fault.

That’s what she told me. Thankfully for me I was at work an hour away and could not drop what I was doing and rush to her side. I would have, if my dad hadn’t stepped in and said “if she were really honestly going to do it, she wouldn’t tell you like that.” Which, yeah might be a shitty way of putting it, but also was true.

I chose not her. I didn’t necessarily choose the volunteer group because for me that’s not the choice I was making. I was choosing to be beside her for another however long it was, alone with no one but her, because she didn’t want me to have anyone else, until she decided she didn’t like the way things were going and pulled this shit again - or not any of that. Of being responsible for only me, emotionally, financially.

I was also beginning a relationship with The Warzone and I couldn’t separate him from her from the volunteer group. 

Those next few months were rough for me. When she finally calmed down from everything, she tried to get back into my life. I requested she wait until I contact her again because I was still working through my thoughts and feelings and I didn’t need her influence in that process. I knew it would not be helpful. She would give me about a day, maybe two, before texting me again. This reset everything for me because I could not deal with her and with my still conflicted - and very hurt - feelings about the situation. And I asked her again to please respect my request. This happened several times and I finally stopped responding to her altogether.

There were only two terse emails after that, where she had me come collect my things from her house and leave my key while she was not there. The exchange happened quickly and quietly and I didn’t hear from her for several years after that.

I was with The Warzone for the summer. Considering my longest lasting romantic relationship to this point had been about 2 weeks, this was a novelty to me. I was convinced this was it, this was the time I’d done something right, after all my bad choices this was a good thing.

He had some troubles, and had things that had become roadblocks but he had a job, he had his own place, he had a direction he wanted to go in. So I’d just graduated college and he was still in college life? I was still roughly the same age as his friends, I could still hang and party. My life wasn’t that different. 

Our major struggles were mainly that we lived about an hour apart, and we didn’t communicate very well. Or at all, really.

I was anxious and terrified. I hadn’t started working through all my shit yet. I didn’t even know there was shit to work through. I was grieving the loss of my best friend and I had no idea that was even happening. 2 best friends, actually. NWBF had moved really far away and I was still crushing on them super hard. I eventually told them I couldn’t be friends with them until I figured my shit out. That was hard.

I was going through a really rough patch and self medicating with alcohol and more weed because I apparently had found another pothead in Warzone.

Warzone was also my first partner I’d ever had sex with. I don’t regret Warzone necessarily, but I do regret that I invested so much in the relationship, to the point that I blatantly ignored several signs that this was not going the way I wanted it to. His own struggles led to him realizing he couldn’t be in a relationship with me. I still am fucked up over the phrasing he used, because no one wants to be described as a roller coaster the other person doesn’t want to ride on anymore.

And he did this before we were set to hang out with people through the volunteer group. I am incredibly, incredibly thankful for the people who allowed me to lean on them while I was there, who knew the situation. We kept our PDA in the group to a minimum anyway so if you didn’t know we were together, you wouldn’t know unless we told you. He showed up high about an hour after I’d gotten there. I’d showed up early because I’d had to leave after he broke up with me, and I had a nice long tantrum cry in my car in a small parking lot downtown and couldn’t be alone anymore. 

My roommate at the time treated me to drinks, helped me get set up on a dating website after some wine on a different night, and was generally supportive throughout the process. I think her change in behavior towards me should have clued me in about The Ex a lot sooner, but oh well.

Because of the dating apps/sites I signed up on, I met The Ex. That whole debacle played out through my posts on here for the most part because this is where I process everything, so if you’ve been with me for a while you’re pretty familiar with my mental state while I was with him. I was constantly justifying his behaviors and actions and no one who loved me liked him but no one said anything either.

They all have carte blanche to tell me when they don’t like someone I’m dating from here on out - not that I plan on doing that much in the future, but I wanted them aware of it. After ISHK and The Ex, I need outside input to show me I’m not making good decisions with the people I’m choosing to keep in my life despite the fact that they treat me like dirt.

ISHK laid the groundwork for The Ex to fully isolate me from my family. Not only was I farther away from them than I’d ever been in my life, but he took me from the job that allowed me to see them regularly. He encouraged me to skip family events. I missed nearly 5 years of my family’s lives because of this man.

When I left him, I was already emotionally done with him. So I thought I’d be ready to try again. It may have been compensation for my loneliness, for my isolation, still so far away from my family even though they at least were aware I was struggling. I couldn’t let myself rely on them yet.

Still can’t.

So I turned back to the dating apps. And I met The Pittsburgh Mistake.

He was nice, charming. I’ll admit when I met him a gaydar went off - the one that says “Oh, this might be a trans guy”. You know all the signals we queer folk give off to one another to say “Hey other queer folk guess what I’m one of you please don’t let me be alone”? There were multiple that read as trans guy.

He was not. I wish he had been. But no he was a redpill, conservative nightmare. And he was abusive as FUCK. We went on an outing and he didn’t tell me the plan was to stay overnight somewhere. He just had me drive him around and we finally got up there and he was like okay let’s go get a room for the night.

That was the first sign.

Then he was like “Hey I gotta go back to Pittsburgh to get all my things so I can move down this way, wanna come with me?” Thinking it was going to be another overnight, maybe a 2 night stay maximum, I said sure. 

We were there for almost a week. He’d driven so I couldn’t just leave. He didn’t seem to have any intention of actually doing anything to move his stuff, or sell it, or anything. He flirted with other women nearly the entire time - which I didn’t have an issue with him seeing other people, but I wasn’t, I don’t think, prepared for him to do it while I was with him. Like out with him. On things that other people might have considered dates. I’ve mentioned, however, that he took me to a huge museum and I nearly did forget that I had no idea how long we were going to be up there, I had no spare clothes - just one outfit, he would actively ignore me to flirt with other women, and he wasn’t doing anything to move the situation along with his move.

I’d picked back up on smoking while I was with him. I’ve smoked cigarettes a few times in my life. I can quit cold turkey pretty easily and that’s not an issue, it’s just...I shouldn’t do it. It’s bad for me for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that my mom’s family has a tendency to acquire rare lung cancer that’s exacerbated by smoking. The other is that I have a penchant for getting bronchitis, like, all the time. But I was smoking a lot more heavily than I had previous times, even when I was smoking a lot of weed daily with ISHK, I didn’t smoke nearly as much as I did with The Pittsburgh Mistake.

The other thing that was a huge major red flag I should have been more cognizant of is how he made it my fault if he couldn’t keep it up or get it in during sex. I was doing something wrong, I wasn’t good enough or prepped enough, even though he’d done literally nothing to help things along. It was be ready to go whenever he wanted it, or be told I was worthless and useless and I must not really like him if he couldn’t get it in.

He got really drunk and wouldn’t know what he was doing, and he got really uncomfortable to be around while he was drunk. He claimed he wasn’t an alcoholic but i know he was using it as a crutch for whatever was going on in his brain. He projected his issues onto everyone else. It was everyone else’s fault, not his. They were crazy, not him. 

When he started talking about being godlike in a decidedly blasphemous way, I figured there was definitely something wrong. When he continually invited his other girlfriend over while I was still there, despite the fact that both of us had been vocal about it being uncomfortable for us, I knew I needed to get out.

When he broke a window right next to my head because I was trying to leave because he’d invited her over again without saying anything to either of us until he’d already made the decision, and he was drunk enough to not remember it even as it was happening, I knew I needed to run and never come back.

I gave him one last chance. I asked him if he knew why I was upset, and he said something bullshit I don’t even remember. I told him about himself and he accused me of gaslighting him. Which??? Telling you you’re an asshole and that I am uncomfortable when you bring your other girlfriend over and haven’t discussed it with me, especially since I’ve told you  multiple times I’m incredibly uncomfortable in that situation is not gaslighting. But he thought he was a genius and so smart and so close after The Ex who had a god complex and thought he was a genius and so smart, I knew I needed out and fast.

He literally sent me a text with a screen shot of a bible verse saying “I am a jealous god” yadda yadda and something about I’ll end up dying alone if I continue being however I was being. Like, thanks, but no thanks I don’t even believe in the Christian God, I’m not going to believe you, some random redpill douche who literally broke a window because I wasn’t putting up with his bullshit anymore, is a god either. I’m very proud of my response.

“LOL, okay bye.”

Like, sorry, bro. You gotta feed me a way more intricate story than just that you think you’re god incarnate. The Ex at least told me he could travel through alternate dimensions and universes and pulled me through along with him at some point from another universe - not his, but a different one, because he loved me so much. You gotta try a lot harder on the god complex in order to top that one, buddy.

yeah I wish I was kidding about the above. I also wish I was kidding when I tell you I believed it.

I’m still working on not believing it. I don’t feel like i belong in this universe a lot of the time, and playing into that did not help. And it’s especially not helpful when I’m super depressed and feeling mildly suicidal. So that’s been fun to deal with since I’ve gotten away from him.

Anyway, those are my relationship mistakes. Warzone almost doesn’t count because it wasn’t necessarily a mistake, but I shouldn’t have been in a romantic relationship so soon after the ISHK incidents.

And through all of this, one of the weirdest things for me is realizing that when I was in relationships? I didn’t necessarily feel any draw to be any sort of way with people. Like, I was with The Ex for 4 1/2 years, and while I loved him I wasn’t romantically in love with him. Which I didn’t realize until I was on my way out of loving him at all because he was treating me poorly. I was physically attracted to The Pittsburgh Mistake, but I knew that wasn’t a long-term deal from the outset. But I wasn’t necessarily sexually attracted to him. I have a high sex drive that sometimes clouds my judgement and I know that was a part of it, but he wasn’t *sexy*. Neither was The Ex. I found him attractive, aesthetically, but he wasn’t *sexy* necessarily. I told him I found him sexy because he didn’t understand otherwise and I thought I was helping. I was actually making it worse but I didn’t know. I felt giddy around The David Incident because I was 16 and was excited that I was finally dating someone because I’d never really done it before. I was just downright stupid with the Bad Choices I Made At Church Camp and that one I will own, but again I was 16 and lonely. Now We’re Best Friends has been the only one that worked out and I think honestly it was the LGBT+ flocking instinct. 

I Should Have Known was the only one I feel came closest to romantic feelings and honestly I think that was more stockholm-obsession than actually anything romantic.

So while I’m a sucker for a good love story, while I love the thought of being in a loving romantic relationship, I’m not sure I’m actually romantic? Like? 

There was a post the other day that was like “I’m in love with being in love, but I’m Aro-spec" and I was like??? That’s a thing???

And then I was listening to someone else who said they were cupioromantic and I looked up what that meant because I don’t know the aro-labels as well as the asexual labels and I was like???? That’s a THING??????

So, I’m still figuring myself out. I thought I was nearly there and then I remembered I don’t make anything easy for myself. I’m somewhere on the ace spectrum. My sexual attraction is very limited to what I definitely have zero chance with and that’s because it’s safe. Also it’s very aesthetically based, not powered by my genitals or hormones. As to whether or not I’m Aro as well? We’re still working on that.

But this was apparently more about me processing my trauma more than figuring out my labels since that’s what happened. I’m still working on my labels. I may never figure it out. It might change and then I’ll be really fucked which’ll be fun.

So anyway...did you really read this far down? Holy fuck this is so long, well done. You deserve a cookie or a glass of water or at least stand up and stretch like goodness you must be exhausted. Thanks for supporting and loving me and for being here with me while I try to figure out what the fuck is going on in my life.

I love you.

[salmonthestoryteller]

All About Isobel

I’ll admit Isobel is my fav character.  I honestly didn’t expect that to happen.  She definitely wasn’t among my fav in the OG series, nor at the start of the book series. (Though, like RNM the book series version seems to be winning me over.)  Somewhere along the line, though, I was like - yah, nope, everybody else move a slot down, Isobel is claiming my top character spot.

If there’s one thing I love about Isobel it is how important Max and Michael are to her.  It seems to be why some people hate her.  To me, though, it’s one of the reasons I adore her character.  These are her brothers and if you hurt them she will end you.  The world can freakin’ burn, she is going to protect these two with all she has in her.

It isn’t surprising either, and I want to back up and look at her backstory first, especially with everything we learned in the last two episodes of the season.  So, yes, considering her plot involving both the Drifter and Noah, fair warning that some of the content may be triggering.

So there is at least two instances where Isobel is able to call out to Michael, one shared with Max, while completely unconscious.  We know Max and Isobel have their twin connection which Max describes as a “warm presence” with him all the time.  But the fact that she called to Michael twice shows that at some level she has to be telepathically connected to him as well.

They emerge from the pods at age seven, and are found by the highway.  From there they end up in a group home. Now, to my understanding a group home is not a foster family.  It is the modern day equivalent to an orphanage, with several adults looking after a group of children.  From there they are adopted by the Evans almost right away.  They still aren’t even speaking yet when they go with them. Max and their mother discuss the fact that it took them months to talk. And that when they did, they did so immediately with no trouble.  As if they’d been waiting to learn the whole language before speaking.

Michael, as we know, is left behind and doesn’t return to their lives until they are eleven.  However, Isobel probably could sense that he was missing the whole time.  She couldn’t say who was missing, because they hadn’t had words or names when they were separated.  She couldn’t say “Michael is missing” - she just knew someone was.  This is probably where Isobel’s fear of losing those she cares about first stems from.  An experience she couldn’t even fully explain at the time.

I have no doubt that when they found each other again at eleven, it was one of the best days of their lives to Isobel.  Because, to her, Michael is her brother. There’s no ifs in that to Isobel.  Michael says they aren’t family, Max tells Michael he isn’t his family in a moment of anger, but to Isobel the fact that Michael is her brother is indisputable. It’s plain fact.  It’s there in the way she treats him, in how she is willing to rely on him and trust him, and even how she speaks.  Not even the big statements like, “We’re a family.”  In small ways like how she refers to Max in 1x03 as “Our brother.”

Fast forward a few years.  (In 1x06 I thought it was their thirteenth birthday as it was 2004 and they are said to be 17 in 2008, but in 1x12 Max says Isobel was fourteen so I guess if their “birthday” was summer it's three years later?)  It seems like - compared to Max - Michael protected Isobel much more from the abuse he was suffering.  It doesn’t seem as if she has an understanding of just how bad things were.  The look on her face when he tells her the story of always going to Foster Homestead Ranch and his reasons why are further proof.  Isobel knew he wasn’t as lucky as them, but she was at a loss at how bad he truly had it.  How alone he truly felt.  Which I think was on purpose on Michael’s part.  It’s also why she’s probably closer to their mother than Max was.  She doesn’t seem to harbor the same resentment to their parents that Max felt for them not taking Michael in.  I think she’s closer to Ann because when she thinks she’s dying she tells Max, “We should call Mom.”  Not their parents. “Mom.”

However, Ann still says they both kept her at arms length to Max.  That they, not him but they, didn’t let her be a mom.  I don’t think this was true as much when they were younger.  I’m guessing the separation for Isobel and Ann occured when Isobel hit puberty.  Because - think about this for a moment - Isobel is an alien.  She knows this.  She knows she has powers others don’t.  That her biology isn’t quite the same. (Acetone, hello.)  And she had to go through puberty with not only no grown woman to talk to it about, but not even another girl her own age.  She couldn’t ask her mom if certain things happening were normal or not - because there was no way of knowing what was alien “normal.”  And if it turned out it wasn't human normal, and she brought it up she risked exposing them. Puberty is a pretty sucky thing already, and Isobel probably felt twice as isolated during it because she just damn didn’t know what was or wasn’t normal for their species.  In that Max and Michael at least had each other.  I doubt Isobel felt comfortable talking to her brothers about periods, cramps, etc.

And in the middle of this whole very isolating confusing time for her comes the Drifter.  It’s pretty clear what his intentions were when he grabbed her, though it is not made clear how far he got.  Isobel is still clothed, so I don’t think he raped her, but I have no doubt he touched her before Max and Michael got here.  And remember something else - Isobel is a telepath.  A telepath who they already knew could make others do things.  If she at all tried to touch the Drifter’s mind there’s no saying what was said in Mindspace to her.

Worse, this is when her telepathic scream brings her to Noah’s attention. Between the Drifter’s attack and witnessing Max kill him, Isobel shuts down.  The trauma is too much for her to handle, and she retreats inside her mind.  Noah takes the opportunity to connect to her that night, and he never lets go of that connection until his death.  Max said that she continued to have black outs after the attack, and Noah mentions how that allowed him to see through her eyes.  How soon he was able to start to use her body to move around is unclear.  And we are also unclear on what all influences Noah had on her otherwise.

Noah speaks of their connection several times.  We know he can control her actions when she is unconscious or withdrawn into her mind, but how deep did that connection run?  Max is concerned about Liz’s ability to consent when his mark is on her.  Noah has had his mind connected to Isobel’s since she was fourteen.  We cannot say how much that affected her - if she ever had complete autonomy after that night or if a part of her was always affected by Noah’s feelings and desires.

However, one thing is very much true - and that’s that after that night Isobel didn’t trust anyone who wasn’t Max or Michael for years.  There was never a time when the people around her weren’t listed as “potentially dangerous”.  We see that in how she reacts to everything, both in her teen years and even as an adult.  She kept everyone else at arms length.  Through barbs; through a mask of perfection.  The reason Isobel didn’t care about using her powers as a teen?

Because as long as other people were doing what she wanted she was safe.

This is someone who never feels safe.  Hasn’t been able to regain that feeling since that night in the desert.  The only place she felt remotely at ease was around Max and MIchael.  Isobel is clearly supposed to be the Queen Bee in high school, yet she goes to prom with her brothers.  Why?  Because Isobel didn't trust anyone else.  It’s why she kept withdrawing into herself and having blackouts as graduation approached.  If Max and Michael left - how was she ever going to feel safe? She had devoted her life to her brothers, because she knew she could trust them.  They would protect her, no matter what.  They’d already proven it.  Everybody else was suspect.

Only now her brother were becoming suspect.  If they were going to leave her to fend for herself, what did she have left? It’s clear from her lash out, “What am I supposed to do?” that Isobel had no plans right then for her future.  She doesn’t know what she’s going to do once Michael and Max leave - she never once mentions college herself.  And, actually, it seems her brothers have no idea either.  During the argument all Max says is “Live your life.”  There’s nothing there about anything Isobel might want or suggested she would do after graduation.  If Max and Michael had this argument, that line would have involved, “What are you talking about? You’re leaving for Albuquerque/You’re running off to Europe.”  For Isobel the best Max has to offer is “Live your life"?

This is actually where the fact that Roswell is supposed to be a small town probably plays a big part.  Because Isobel is the only girl among the three aliens.  It’s not surprising that in a small town Isobel’s lack of plans to go to college or pursue a career is never brought up.  The notion of girls staying home with the parents, working local jobs or simply getting married is still quite common.  From what we’ve seen, it’s actually what happens to Isobel after graduation, though that hasn’t completely been made clear yet.

One big thing did happen first, though. The murders.  Things change that night for Isobel in a very big way.  Until now Isobel has relied on her brother’s for protection.  After the cover up Isobel finds herself in a new role - One of protector.

To her, Michael may have killed Rosa, Jasmin, and Kate - but he is very much not to blame for it.  Think of the story Michael tells her.  He got into a fight and his hand was smashed.  He says he got drunk, but it's not like Michael could have gone to a hospital.  What is the only painkiller they have? Acetone.  To her, Michael was medicating himself because he had no way to receive the care he needed.  Then, drunk on the acetone, he ran into the other car and lost control of his powers.  He was drunk and in pain and alone and he lashed out to protect himself.  She may believe Michael killed them, but she doesn’t blame him.  If anything, she probably blames herself for blacking out and not being there when he needed her.

Then, a few days later, Max starts talking about telling Liz the truth.  Think about what this looks like from Isobel’s perspective.  Max is choosing some crush over Michael.  Michael, who buried the Drifter for him and kept his secret all these years.  He’s literally going to get Michael arrested, maybe even get them all killed if they find out what he is, because he cares about some girl more than their brother.  Is it any wonder she decides to go into Liz’s mind and tell her to stay away from Max?

However, I feel it's hinted at that Max kinda broke down after Liz left.  Isobel mentions something that sounds like a reference in a conversation with Michael in 1x02:

“Max is shutting me out. I thought maybe you could talk to him.  Something is wrong with him, Michael. And when that happened the last time, you were the only one he would open up to.”

I think seeing how using her powers on Liz affected Max really drove home what her powers were capable of to Isobel.  She’d never used her powers against her brothers in such a way.  I don’t think she ever used her powers to negatively affect those she cared about.  Others were free game, but anything that could hurt those she loved was off limits. And this is Max, her person as she calls him to Noah, and her using her powers has hurt him.  She tells Michael, “I don’t do that anymore.”   While it’s unclear when she stopped, my guess is that it was after she used them on Liz.

Then, while we can’t be certain how soon it happened, she met Noah.  She probably felt an instant trust in him because - hello - Noah was in her literal head.  She didn’t know why she felt safe with him, but he was the first person aside from Max and Michael who made her feel that way.  So she dated him, fell in love, got married.

All of this is disturbing enough, because essentially Noah has been grooming Isobel since she was fourteen and then he seeks her out physically and marries her once he gets out of the pod.  But what also bothers me is we don’t see any hint that Isobel is romantically with anyone else in the past.  She teases Max about Tess, Michael mentions dates limiting options, but Isobel is not shown with anyone.  The only feelings of desire Isobel experiences that we are shown is Noah’s for Rosa through her flashbacks, and her and Noah’s relationship.  There is literally nobody else that is even mentioned.  Every other character we get some mention of an ex or potential love interest, even Rosa.  But Isobel has only Noah.

Over the same time period, she witnessed Max and Michael’s friendship fall apart with no idea why.  She didn’t understand what was happening between them.  This was her family and now they were barely speaking.  She had her new position, though, and she wasn’t going to let them down.  She was going to be the one who was strong; the one who protected them and looked after them.  She devoted herself to that, and despite some bumps along the way, I don’t think she felt she failed at it.  She never knew Max was unhappy - he didn’t seem to show that to her after he got his act together.  She says as much to Noah in 1x03.  She thought Michael let his life fall apart because he’d killed three girls and couldn’t forget.  She tried to be there for him - she never cut him out of her life.  She had no idea how to make things better, but she made sure she was there if he needed her. We know this because Noah doesn’t just list Max when Isobel says she had something to take care of - he lists Michael too.

Then Liz comes back into town, and everything changes.  It’s little wonder she views Liz as a threat. Remember, Isobel never feels safe - everyone is a threat.  Liz most of all - Max almost turned on Michael and her for Liz once before.  Max was devastated after losing her the first time and now it's going to happen again. And while people like to say Isobel is overprotective and out of line for constantly lecturing Max about her - is she wrong?  Liz is using Max’s feelings because she’s searching for the truth, Liz does want revenge for Rosa. Liz's history doesn't look like someone she would trust with her brother's happiness. 

Isobel isn’t just using her powers for kicks.  She goes after Liz to protect her family.  She practices at Maria’s bar because she thinks she needs to strengthen her abilities.  If she fails - how will she ever keep Michael safe now that Liz knows an alien killed Rosa?  She isn’t thinking there’s some big secret to why Maria hates her - she probably thinks the reason is small and petty. She doesn’t know Maria.  Then everything becomes strange - because why did Rosa hate her?  Rosa was two years older than them - she was long gone from high school by the time Isobel would have been the head of Roswell High’s Mean Girls.  It makes no sense - she almost never  interacted with her.  Why would someone hate her she didn’t even know?

It’s no wonder the “truth” about the murders affects Isobel so deeply.  She’s spent ten years viewing the deaths as a terrible accident. Now they are murders - actual murders - that she herself committed.  And she doesn’t know why. She does know that for some reason Rosa hated her. But Rosa, Kate, and Jasmin weren't even a blip on her radar before the murders. Why would she suddenly kill them? She's spent her whole life afraid of others and now she can't even trust herself.

Then the flashbacks start after the cure. She has no reason to doubt them - they're her own memories. What's more is that they probably make sense to her.  There were probably days she was sick of the front she put on to keep others at a distance.  And here are these flashbacks saying she let down that guard with someone - with Rosa. And it seems like it was a wonderful thing - Rosa didn't let her down.  She was safe.  Maybe she even loved her? It's everything teen Isobel always wanted. She and Michael discuss it:

"I used to look in the sky when we were kids, and hope something up there would save me."

"I used to look around at the people of this town and hope for the same thing."

She feels invested in this now.  She had a close friend, the only truly close female friend she ever had as far as we see, maybe she even had a secret romance.  Then she finds out the horrifying truth that it was never her at all. She never had that friendship, and what's worse? Noah used her to attack an innocent girl. Just like she was attacked when she was fourteen. Only Rosa didn't have Max and Michael to save her.

Isobel's face off with Noah is painful because it truly is the worst betrayal imaginable.  Isobel doesn't let people close. Isobel doesn't trust. She did with Noah, when the truth is she never should have.  He was the one she should have been protecting herself from.

I am glad they gave us her final Mindscape conversation with Noah.  It may be a lie that she never loved him, but what truly mattered wasn't whether she loved him or not.  What mattered was facing him and letting him know he no longer had control of her.  She was done with him.

The season ends with Isobel exploding the picture frame with her mind. And while I'm excited to see her expand her powers, I am concerned for her in s2. The truth about Noah has already taken away one of her shelters. Losing Max? That is literally one of her greatest fears come to life.

In pursuit of feeling safe again - in protecting what she has left? There's really no saying what path Isobel might take.

[vmheadquarters]

By Alexis Soloski

When we last saw Veronica Mars, the greatest private investigator Southern California has ever birthed and tanned — shut it, Philip Marlowe — she had ducked a corporate law job and returned to Neptune, her beachside hometown, resolved to defend the weak, defy the powerful, wisecrack with the best of them. Happily ever after, on her terms.

But why be happy when you can be hard-boiled? As Veronica’s inventor Rob Thomas said, “Happy and noir don’t go well together.”

“Veronica Mars,” a snappy, sophisticated crime drama about a high school P.I., debuted in 2004 and ran for three critically celebrated but lightly watched seasons, first on UPN and then on CW, returning in 2014 for a fan-funded movie.

That seemed to be the end of it. Its star, Kristen Bell, continued a successful film and TV career. Thomas went on to create and run “iZOMBIE.” But you know the noir trope where a character thinks she has outrun her past and then the past comes on at a sprint? It applies.

In a genre-appropriate twist, the show is back, revamped for the streaming age. An eight-episode fourth season will drop on July 26 at Hulu, where the first three seasons are already available.

Reboots and revivals are as thick on the ground as Neptune beachgoers. A long-gone show that returns after so many years with its original cast, led by Bell’s Veronica, and its distinguishing style (think Dashiell Hammett after a few blender drinks) mostly intact? That’s rarer, and not without its dangers.

Continuing a beloved series after so many years risks tarnishing its legacy. (If we’re being honest, the uneven third season was risk enough.) Besides, how do you make a show about a child prodigy when that child prodigy can apply for a fixed-rate mortgage?

The season’s big mystery, according to Thomas: Is a 30-something Veronica Mars “an interesting enough character on her own to continue to attract fans?”

A few weeks ago, I met Bell on a gloomy June afternoon in her trailer on the Universal lot, an overheated box befrilled in demoralizing beige. She was in the middle of a shoot for her other show, “The Good Place,” and had two caffeinated drinks going, which partly explained the pep. (The messianic zeal she feels for Veronica explained the rest.) In her costume, a lilac sweater over an embroidered blouse and green chinos, she looked about as noir as an Easter basket.

And yet “Veronica Mars,” she said, is the show that launched her, that shaped her, that taught her comedy and responsibility and a commitment to social justice. She will quit it, she said, when everyone in Neptune is dead.

“That’s when I’ll do it,” she said, pushing her cane-sugar soprano into a lower register. “That’s when I will let her go: When the last body is buried.”

“Veronica Mars,” which The Times described, on a list of the 20 best TV dramas since “The Sopranos,” as “a peerless blend of neo-noir mystery and teenage romantic drama,” was always a show ahead of its time. Its heroine, 17 when the show began, looked like a Barbie and scrapped like a G.I. Joe. She was as quick with a comeback as with the Taser she called Mr. Sparky, but still vulnerable to problems personal and systemic.

More politically minded than your average teen soap, “Veronica Mars” had love triangles and cliffhangers and, from its first episode, a sustained interest in wealth inequality. In its depiction of gendered violence, it anticipated much of the #MeToo conversation.

“It continually kept questions about gender inequality in view,” said Susan Berridge, a lecturer in media at the University of Stirling who has written about the series. “There were so many story lines involving sexual violence and other forms of gendered abuse that it became impossible to see these issues as one-off aberrations.”

If you don’t identify as a Marshmallow, the name ride-or-die “Veronica Mars” fans adopted, here’s the back story: A onetime popular girl, Veronica became an outcast when her best friend Lilly was murdered and Veronica’s father, Keith (Enrico Colantoni), then Neptune’s sheriff, mistakenly accused the town’s most powerful man. Keith lost his job and his home. Veronica’s mother deserted the family. Her former friends ostracized her. During a party, she was drugged and raped by persons unknown. At some point she gave herself a terrible haircut.

“It was an adult show about a teenage girl,” Mr. Colantoni said, speaking by telephone. “This wasn’t ‘Saved by the Bell.’”

During the first two seasons, Veronica would solve episodic mysteries while also seeking justice for Lilly and for herself. The third season, which brought Veronica to college, dispensed with the case-of-the-week in favor of longer arcs. It also assigned Veronica a nice-guy boyfriend, Stosh “Piz” Piznarski (Chris Lowell), though most fans shipped her and the poor-little-rich-boy Logan Echolls (Jason Dohring).

Facing cancellation, Thomas tried to interest networks in a revival that saw Veronica working for the F.B.I. No one bought it. Presumed dead, “Veronica Mars” was briefly resurrected when Thomas decided to try crowdfunding a movie. He raised $2 million in less than five hours, drawing the highest number of donors for any film or video project in Kickstarter history.

“Veronica Mars” the movie may not have been a masterpiece — The Times called it “a likable, unmemorable, feature-length footnote” — but it melted the gooey hearts of most Marshmallows. Thomas and Bell could have let their gumshoe-made-good ride into the sunset in her secondhand car, placating the fans with the occasional tie-in novels Thomas co-writes. (“‘Co-writer’ is being generous to me,” he clarified.)

But last year, Thomas called Bell and asked her if she would consider playing Veronica again. It was a big ask: Bell had already committed to a final season of “The Good Place” and a “Frozen” sequel. Also, noir involves night shoots and Bell has two young daughters, which means a lot of missed bedtime.

Weighing the commitment, Bell recalled asking herself, “Do I want a world where my daughters know she exists? Or do I think there’s enough out there for them to look to?”

“I didn’t,” she said. “And I thought, yeah, I have to do it.”

And — “this is going to sound so corny,” Bell added — she still needs “Veronica Mars” in her life, even after all this time and all her success. The show gives her a place to put both her anger at a world that is still unequal and unjust, and her faith that individuals and communities can make it better.

“Just knowing Veronica exists has allowed me to pull strength in certain situations,” she said.

This installment picks up five years after the film ended, with Veronica sleuthing alongside her dad at Mars Investigations and living, reward check to reward check, in the oceanside apartment she sometimes shares with Logan, now an active-duty naval intelligence officer. There are a few B- and C-plots, but mostly Veronica works just one case involving a series of bombings threatening Neptune’s spring breakers.

Thomas and Bell, an executive producer, chose the eight-episode format partly because that’s all Bell’s “Good Place” schedule allowed, but also because they were impressed by what shows like “Fargo” and “Sherlock” were able to do in short seasons. They sold the show to Hulu, which was also able to acquire the past seasons. Craig Erwich, Hulu’s senior vice president of originals, described the revival as “an opportunity to see a beloved character grow up.”

Unlike the movie, this new season doesn’t pander — a few Marshmallows may feel scorched. The emphasis on wealth inequality and structural bias is, if anything, starker. The moral palette is grayscale, and the tone (Thomas described it on Twitteras “Hardcore So-Cal noir”) is dark, though maybe not that dark. “There are a lot of jokes,” Thomas said. “I don’t think we can go full ‘Handmaid’s Tale.’”

Though the earlier seasons of “Veronica Mars” shot in San Diego, the show relocated its exteriors to Huntington Beach, nearer to Los Angeles, where Bell lives. Certain sets, like the Mars Investigations office, have been faithfully re-created and shouldn’t upset continuity hard-liners, though Thomas is wary of checking his Twitter feed once the episodes drop.

The dialogue has stayed slangy. “What’s with the fakeloo, our mark’s no Jasper,” Keith scolds Veronica in the fourth episode. (Among this season’s writers: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. “It never got normal,” Thomas, a basketball fan, said worshipfully.) And Veronica can swear now, though not much. The sex scenes are a little more explicit, the relationships a little more complicated and the emotions real, just like they used to be. “Even when we were teenagers, we all meant it,” Dohring said.

Here’s the big change: A former child prodigy who could out detect men decades older, Veronica has become age appropriate, maybe even immature when it comes to her personal life. (If the series followed real time, Veronica would now be about 32, but these episodes edge her into her mid-30s, closer to Bell’s age.) Thomas wondered if her superpowers — her bravery, her righteous anger, her lack of interest in what others think of her — would seem as impressive on an adult woman. (Speaking as an adult woman: Yes.)

I spoke to Thomas on the telephone a few hours before I met with Bell. Before we hung up, I asked him what he thought I should ask her.

“Ask for her window of availability in 2020,” he said. “That’s what I want to know.”

So I did. Bell told me she had set aside a few months next spring to shoot a follow-up. “As long as people want to watch it, I will do it,” she said. (Hulu is “definitely open to the discussion” about making more of the show, Erwich said.)

But here is what I wanted to know. As a viewer, I’d grown up with Veronica, too. And I’d looked to her as a character who had survived trauma and had accepted how that trauma had changed her, without ever having to sacrifice her humor or her mean-street smarts or her self-confidence. “Veronica Mars was this girl that other girls and boys could look to as an option of what to do with pain, and how not to let it sink you,” Bell said.

So would she ever get that pony? Would we ever see her happy?

“I don’t think we want to,” she said, speaking as Marshmallow in chief. “We want to see her match lit. We want to keep her fight in her. When she’s truly content, the story will be over.”