#I was so excited to be an adult and for my dreams to become reality

[rosicheeks]

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[harukamitsuki]

Ugghh been consuming some bnha stuff and I'm reminded of why I largely prefer fanfiction over the actual story. I have so much hate and pettiness within me. Even so, I am never going to change my mind on how much I hate how bnha is just an amalgamation of wasted potention. Search the definition of wasted potential up and there's just an image of bnha.

I remember watching it as the first season was coming about because it was made by Bones and I just have to watch it in that case. I watched episode one and was so excited.

We have our mc, Midoriya Izuku, being powerless in a world full of quirks.

His childhood friend turned bully, Bakugou Katsuki, is shown to be favoured by literally everyone and this feeds into his ego.

All Might, the number one hero, is jaded and powerless for 21 hours of the day because of a fight nobody knew existed. Izuku is attacked and helpless, but saved by All Might. All Might tells him he can't become a hero. A much needed reality check because Izuku didn't work out a single bit before then and it's so incredibly hard to fight someone who has something you lack.

Then Bakugou is attacked and helpless. Bakugou, who is so much stronger and who people love, is left useless, only able to make the situation worse with his explosions creating a fire hazard. The pro-heroes can't do anything. All Might and Izuku both hate themselves for the part they played and how useless they are. Then Izuku sees how scared Bakugou is. He runs in, inspiring All Might as he mocks himself for breaking Izuku's dream yet forgetting the core of heroism.

Then, after all is said and done, All Might goes back to Izuku. And he tells him he can become a hero.

...

Then he offers him One for All. Now, when I was watching this for the first time, I was so disappointed. You set up a powerless mc in a world full of powers and you just give him the power of the strongest hero? Great. But, I kept watching.

I watched Izuku work to get his power, struggle even after getting a quirk. I watched as Izuku finally stood up for himself and win against Bakugou. I watched as the series went on and I... I started noticing more and more missed opportunities.

See, bnha is supposed to be a zero to hero story. It's supposed to be about the mc going from powerless to powerful. But it does it so quickly. Suddenly, it's not about Izuku finding his own form of strength, or realising how being quirkless may not give any advantages but it also has no disadvantages, or even any commentary on quirk discrimination or fantastic racism or anything.

It turns into a story about controlling your power. It's not what I signed up for.

That's just one missed potential. There's so many more. Horikoshi clearly tries to make some commentary on quirk discrimination and female heroes/sexism in the workplace and entertainment over peace. There's some effort put into making a comment on how heroes are glorified and people don't see them as public workers, they see them as celebreties.

But it's never delved into. We don't see how bad people with mutant or 'villainous' quirks are treated, and we don't see how people with weak quirks are treated, or how the quirkless are treated (because the only reason Izuku was treated so horribly was because of Bakugou). We don't see how female heroes need to have a bit of allure in their personas to have any sort of support.

Yuuei is literally a camp for making child soldiers, yet there's no controversy over it? There's no such things as heroes having to take lethal action and no moral dilemmas over it? There's nobody speaking out about how Midnight flirts with students?

We have literally no information about how heroes work. We don't know how their salaries are decided, how they're ranked, how undergound heroes work. if twilight heroes are a thing, how anybody but Rock Lock feels about bringing children into adult matters, (seriously, why do people hate Rock Lock for being rightfully worried about having 15 year olds in a raid against the yakuza), we don't know how villains work and how to decide if one's a criminal or a villain.

Heck, the only laws we know of are fanon, and the canon stupid idea that you can't use your quirk in self-defense.

It's just. Incredibly infuriating.

Also, analysis as a whole is so under-utilised. Both Izuku and Shigaraki are deemed creepy for their analysis, which is such a useful tool. I mean, Izuku accurately guesses Stain's quirk, which is useful because, otherwise, they wouldn't be wary about Stain licking their blood or cutting them. Shigaraki accurately guesses the time intervals between Aizawa's blinks, which helps him a shit ton.

But is it ever used outside of these situations? No. The thing is, quirks are scientific in nature, not magic. Therefore, they're not restricted like magic is. Fire doesn't always have to be fire, it can be smoke or just heat. Ice can be water or steam. Acid can melt through anything or just be used as a mario kart banana peel.

There was so much missed potential and that's exactly why there's so much fan content.

Horikoshi leaves so much out, and everything he misses tends to be the interesting parts. He willfully explains Bakugou's quirk in detail, but everyone else? Nah. Fuck them.

I mean, let's look at Ochako's quirk.

Gravity negation. Or is it? See, if it were just gravity negation, then two things, in particular, would happen. First of all, Izuku would have fucking died when she saved him from falling. Second of all, she would not have been able to get infinity in the ball throw.

Negating gravity does not negate the forces. Therefore, when she saved Izuku from falling, he would have still been affected by the force of his fall. It would have been no different from hitting the concrete. Additionally, when she threw the ball, it kept going. Air drag would have made it so that she couldn't possibly get an infinity.

More accurately, rather than force negation as some fanfics suggests, she's telekinetically accelerating whatever she touches. She telekinetically accelerates Izuku's body to stop him falling, and does the reverse for the ball, making it so that it continues to accelerate after she throws it.

See what I mean? Because Horikoshi gave Bakugou's quirk a scientific explanation with him sweating a nitroglycerin-like substance and being able to spark it, you have to look at every quirk with scientific knowledge. He could have said 'oh, yeah, I store energy from my quirk in these gauntlets' but Hori just had to be a smartass.

By the way, because of Bakugou's explanation, it's possible that his quirk is not what is named. Yes, it's possible to have two sides of a quirk, as we see in Shouto, but Bakugou's quirk isn't explained in the same way.

Rather than his quirk being creating explosions, his quirk is more like creating sparks in his palms. Why? Well, you see. Bnha never delves into actual quirk theory, but there's more than enough canon evidence that you have one main quirk and then one or more quirk mutations. For example, Ashido Mina's quirk is secreting acid that she can manipulate the acidity and viscocity of. Her appearance is not related to her quirk at all, meaning it's a quirk mutation from her parents. Same with Tokoyami Fumikage. Quirk is Dark Shadow, so there's no need for the bird head.

Why does this relate to Bakugou? Let me explain: Bakugou explains that he recieved a mutation from his parents with his mother secreting glycerin and his father sweating acid with combustive properties. In other words, Bakugou inherited nitroglycerin-like sweat from his parents, but his actual quirk is being able to create sparks.

His quirk is 'Sparks'. Not Explosions.

Why am I ranting about this? Because bnha completely misses all of this! It makes no sense which is a shame because the concept is so interesting! But then it throws away any scraps of potential left when it becomes 'My Kacchan Academia'.

Seriously, why do people and why does Horikoshi love abusive pieces of shit so much? Why did he throw away the potential to look into Shouto and his siblings' feeling about Endeavour? Why did he make Dabi's plot all about Endeavour instead of Shouto?

It's so easy to compare the ways Dabi and Shouto handle their trauma and their ways of revenge. It's so easy to look at Dabi and think about how easy it would have been for Shouto to become like him.

Shouto was transfixed on Endeavour. Everything he did related back to his hate for Endeavour. Using his quirk, fighting, grades, social interaction, everything. His only reason for becoming a hero is to spite Endeavour. It's only because Izuku reaches out to him and saves him from his own toxic mindset that he's able to move one and do things for himself.

Dabi, or Touya, on the other hand, doesn't get that. He doesn't get that person who recognises how far he's gone, how, in trying to spite Enveavour, he's living a life centred on him. How he's jealous of his little brother for being abused and tormented.

While Shouto became a hero to spite Endeavour, Dabi became a villain.

They're both full of hatred at first, but Shouto is saved from that spiral. Izuku helps him. Dabi doesn't have that. It would have been so interesting to see these two face of as parellels, but nope. It's all about Endeavour. Shouto is nothing more than an accessory.

I understand Dabi being hung up on Endeavour, but to outright replace Shouto with the abusive flaming trashbag? No.

Also, if Horikoshi wanted Dabi to be seen as sympathetic or redeemable, don't make him kill innocent people. Don't make it so that he unlocks an ice aspect to his quirk in a life-or-death situation because all that means is that Endeavour was right to hurt Touya the way he did. All that says is Endeavour should have hurt him more.

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON BAKUGOU.

This piece of shit bullied Izuku relentlessly for years, used his quirk on him (yes that is canon), told him to end his life, tried to assault him in Yuuei, tried to kill him, threw a tantrum at an abused kid for not being magically okay with using a quirk that reminded him of his abusive father, assaults Izuku when he tries to work together but still magically gets a pass for being carried out unconcious which Sero was failed for, and the list just keeps growing.

Oh, but my bad. He has a sad backstory. You see, he fell in a river.

[gabessquishytum]

Can I go back to alien!Dream, oviposition, and more-into-it-than-he-should-be!Hob for a minute?

Alien!Dream has lucked out with his choice of mate. Hob is endearing, joyful, very much into Dream. They are absolutely in love by the time they arrive at Dream's ship. There, Hob shows Dream that he's really into all of it. All the better! He accepts Dream's eggs perfectly; it's the largest clutch Dream's ever been able to lay. And Hob is turned on by and proud of his big belly.

The thing is, even though Dream's species rarely ever find mates for life, thanks to the nature of their reproduction (kidnapping potential mates and making them carry eggs), he would love to keep Hob. And Hob would love to stay with Dream. That's not the problem. But Hob is ecstatic about the kids. And Dream believes Hob will be disappointed and then he'll hate Dream.

Dream thinks that Hob imagines the kids as tiny human/alien mixed babies, but in reality, the eggs will turn into larvae, which Hob will birth, and those will remain, well, ugly and uncute for several months before they hatch into alien kids. And Hob loves his big belly and his eggs, but will he love the reality?

The answer is yes, of course. Dream is tearing up while Hob pushes the larvae out. He thinks Hob will run away now. But nope. It's love at first sight. Hob gently cradles them to his chest, carries them to the bed Dream has created for them, and all the while they wiggle against their momma happily, clearly loving Hob right back even though their cognitive functions aren't that developed yet.

Hob becomes a loving mom and Dream has his happy family and happy mate. Hob even becomes a bit overprotective, which gets annoying. ("Are you sure they can eat that? That doesn't look like it's good enough for them. They are just babies!" "Hob, my species literally produces this liquid to feed our offspring; it is perfect for them." "But shouldn't we at least add vitamin D to every other feeding? They need to be strong!")

And when the kids hatch and look just like Dream but with Hob's character, he falls in love all over again. He teaches them Earth kid games and skills that he considers important. But it's only a few months before they are adult by alien standards and they leave to have adventures of their own. (Not without a lot of fussing from mama.)

Thankfully, Dream is nearly due for another cycle. Who knows, maybe this time Hob will be able to take even more eggs! They could have the largest clutch in history together! Dream will definitely try.

- 🚒

Frfr I am wild about this. Here's the link to the first alien ask.

Hob is so excited about his first clutch of babies!! Every day he gets noticeably bigger and rounder and every day he stands in front of the mirror and admires himself. He's so proud of himself for carrying these babies so well! He's determined to give them the absolute best ever start inside his body, so he easily agrees when Dream insists that he rest as much as possible. The pregnancy is uncomfortable (especially during the egg -> larvae stage, that feels incredibly weird) but Hob takes it all in his stride. It helps that Dream is attentive to all his needs and pays such lavish attention to his growing belly. Its hard to feel bad when there's a beautiful alien kissing between your thighs.

While Dream stresses and panics as Hob finally gives birth to the larvae, Hob stays remarkably calm. It isn't painful like human labour, in fact the kids helpfully just wiggle right out of him. Hob is quite aware that they're...... unique. They certainly won't win any baby beauty pageants. But they're his, and he's nourished them for months and he loves them, however weird they are. He's a mama now and his babies will have so much love, they won't know what to do with it all!

(Dream draws the line when it comes to the little sweaters that Hob knits for the larvae. As adorable as it is, they're just too slimey for clothes right now. Hob huffs and just starts knitting stuff for when they hatch instead.)

Bringing up the babies is definitely weird - they're very independent, although they dote on their mama and always accept cuddles when offered. But soon Hob is secretly missing the physical sensations of pregnancy. He misses his huge rotund belly and having Dream’s attention on him all the time. He wants another clutch, and he tells Dream shyly as they eat dinner one evening.

Dream is thrilled that his mate has decided to stay long term! He sweeps Hob up into his arms and hugs him tightly. He'll give Hob so many babies, and their shared children will spread across the universe, carrying everything that Hob has taught them. Dream has never considered himself lucky, but now he knows that he is. He found a soulmate. Dream’s species will tell tales of their love for ages to come, how their children spread far and wide throughout the stars and secured a generation of their kind.

He can't wait to consumate their love yet again and fill Hob to the brim with eggs - and the main reason is because he knows that Hob fucking loves it. He's going to make his mate very, very happy.

[beerose-blog]

So, hello. I'm Bee. If you're one of my friends, you may recognize the title "Bee's Gradual Guide To Success". If you don't, it was actually the title of one of my personal "article series"/blogs that I made last November. I started it off with a lot of excitement, but I eventually got discouraged about myself and moved on, feeling so mortified about it that I wished I had never written it, even though my friends said it was really good. Here it is:

I think the funniest thing about this blog series is that it was all about being "real". You know, we live in a world where everything is completely over-saturated with success, and it's hard to find someone who will speak the truth about their experiences and failures. In the blog, I said and I quote:

"That’s actually the purpose of this blog/guide. First of all, I want to let the world know it’s OKAY to not know what you’re doing. Everyone, even the most successful people started from the very beginning. We live in a world that’s filled to the brim with the success stories of others- it can be overwhelming and make our own goals seem vast, intimidating, and unachievable."

Through my blog, I wanted to let everyone know that it was okay to have setbacks, that it was okay to fail at things; that all these obstacles would help us eventually succeed at whatever we wanted to do. And many people liked it. And then, do you know what happened?

I stopped writing it because I felt like a failure.

Now, let me tell you a little something about myself: I am the QUEEN of trying, failing, and giving up. I have had countless, countless career aspirations and dreams. I've wanted to be a business woman, running my own coffeeshop/bookstore called the CoZe Café. I've also wanted to be an artist who would sell commissions. For a very long time I also wanted to be an animator. I've had aspirations to run my own online shop with knitted and crocheted goods, I've wanted to be a seamstress, an accountant, the list goes on and on and on. It doesn't help, either, that I've got a cocktail of mental health diagnoses including bipolar 2 hypomania, which effectively makes me feel like a god that can achieve absolutely anything. But two times, so far, I've settled on novelist/editor.

Novelist/editor. What would it truly be like to live that dream? To work in some big publishing house, editing what could be the next famous author's story - making their dreams a reality, validating them. It sounds great! Right?

Well, I'm not quite at this point yet. In fact, about an hour ago, I was completely at my wit's end, even considering dropping my classes. You see, I'm an English major, working to get my Associate's degree at a Community College. The plan, currently, is to eventually get a PhD in English from Harvard. However that plan definitely seems far away considering this is my first semester and I'm already many, many assignments behind. It's week two, by the way.

Thus, once again, things become stagnant. I ask myself, "What do I do? How am I ever going to succeed? Am I just a failure like they all said I was?". And am I? It certainly seems so so far. But yet, someone told me I'm not.

This particular person told me exactly this:

"so i say, its not too late for you."

The "so i say" is in reference to the other part of the story he told me. He had spent his life working on various projects, writing and others, only to lose them all with the loss of his computer. So, he gave up. He worked, worked, and worked. He even said he was "Just a tired adult without hobbies". Until finally, he found a certain community, the same one where I met him. And through that community, he found friends and his love for writing once again. And he didn't give up. In fact, I'd even boldly claim to say he never gave up, as writing eventually DID come back to him.

So what about me? What should I do? Writing itself has been a theme all throughout my childhood, starting way back with my first attempted novel titled "Billy & Mandy" that I scrawled in a black composition notebook at age 8. It's always been present, coming back to me in bursts and staying longer each time. So what do I do now? Do I simply just "give up" on that dream?

And now, as you read, you may be wondering things. "What is the purpose of this? Isn't her blog called 'Bee's Gradual Guide To Success?' Where does success come in? What's happening? All she's talked about is her failures."

Or perhaps, you are just scrolling along, and clicked this by mistake. Or maybe your phone is in your pocket, and you've mistakenly buttdialed my tumblr account. Who knows! The world is full of endless possibilities!

However, if you are wondering what my purpose is by writing this, it's very simple:

There isn't any.

The only real purpose I have is personal; I am just trying to document my life, just in a public format.. Maybe, by sharing my story of success and failure, it will help you. Maybe you will continue to scroll. Either way, I will be here, posting. It makes me happy to do this, to document my story in vivid, painted detail. The idea excites me. And maybe someone out there will connect with my struggles, and find the courage to keep moving forward in the darkness, knowing there's someone out there just like them.

So I guess in that case I lied in a way, there is sort of a purpose. I mean, what did you expect? It is called "Bee's Gradual Guide To Success". And the main fact is, I have no idea what I'm doing.

So I wish you luck in your own journey, if you do end up seeing this - and maybe you'll find some of yourself in mine.

[blessienina]

"From Childhood Dreams to Adult Realities: A Life Story of Courage and Connection"

My life began when I was born in Lapu-Lapu City, Cebu, on August 22, 2005. When I was 6 years old, my parents tried to enroll me in daycare, but the teacher hesitated to accept me because of my age. Consequently, my parents decided to enroll me directly in grade 1. On my first day of school, the teacher assigned an activity—drawing an elephant—but I didn't know how to draw, so I cried the whole time and wanted to go outside. That's when my parents decided to transfer me to kindergarten.

 

During my kindergarten days, I was very happy because I had many friends, and I consistently ranked at the top of my class. As a child, I never felt the love of a grandfather because both of my grandfathers passed away early. However, I was spoiled with the love of my grandmother, who always protected me whenever someone tried to hurt me. She was my number one supporter during my childhood. When I graduated from kindergarten, she attended my graduation, and I was happy about that. She always spoiled me with things and food, and she would give me money that my parents never knew about.

 

During my Grade 1 journey, I experienced a challenging period when I developed a urinary tract infection (UTI). This health issue forced me to miss numerous days of school as I required regular medical check-ups and treatments at the hospital. Consequently, I found myself consistently falling behind in my studies, struggling to keep pace with my classmates. Despite the setbacks caused by my illness, I remained determined to overcome these obstacles. Once I had sufficiently recovered, I diligently focused on catching up with the material I had missed. I dedicated extra time to studying and sought help from my teachers to ensure I grasped the concepts I had previously struggled with. Although it was a challenging time, I refused to let my illness define my academic journey. With perseverance and hard work, I successfully navigated through this difficult period and emerged stronger and more resilient than before.

 

In my Grade 2 journey, I had the pleasure of meeting a friend who would become my closest companion throughout elementary school. We shared countless lunches together, forming a bond that provided me with much-needed support. This friendship marked a significant milestone for me as it was the first time I had someone by my side to help me through the challenges of school. However, as I entered Grade 3, my parents decided to enroll me in a ukulele class in hopes of nurturing my musical talents. Initially excited about the opportunity, I soon found myself feeling isolated and disconnected from my peers in the class. Despite my efforts to engage with others, the feeling of loneliness persisted, leading me to eventually withdraw from the class after just one month. Following this setback, my teacher transferred me to a different class, hoping for a better fit. Yet, upon entering the new environment, I was overwhelmed by the competitive atmosphere and struggled to find my place. Unable to muster the confidence to fully integrate into this unfamiliar setting, I made the difficult decision to return to my original class where I felt more comfortable. Throughout these experiences, I remained dedicated to my studies and consistently excelled academically, earning recognition as a top-performing student in my class. While I may not have attained the title of honor student, I took pride in being recognized as an achiever, knowing that my efforts had not gone unnoticed.

 

During my fourth-grade year, I summoned the courage to step out of my comfort zone and embrace new opportunities by enrolling in the FL class. This decision was driven by a desire to conquer my fears and expand my horizons. As I entered this class, I encountered a diverse group of peers and forged meaningful connections with some of them. However, the transition to the FL class was not without its challenges. I found myself grappling with unfamiliar academic concepts and adjusting to the heightened expectations of the curriculum. Additionally, the competitive nature of the class environment posed its own set of obstacles, pushing me to work harder than ever before to keep up with my classmates. Despite the difficulties I faced, I remained determined to persevere. With the support of my newfound friends and the guidance of my teachers, I gradually acclimated to the rigors of the FL class. Each day presented a new opportunity for growth and learning, and I embraced these challenges wholeheartedly. Through my experiences in the FL class, I not only expanded my academic abilities but also developed invaluable life skills such as resilience, adaptability, and perseverance. By confronting my fears head-on, I emerged from fourth grade with a newfound sense of confidence and self-assurance, ready to tackle whatever challenges lay ahead.

 

During my fifth and sixth-grade years, I began to develop a crush, which motivated me to attend school regularly. I also became a class officer during this time, which assigned me various tasks to complete. I felt disappointed because my grades were not high enough to earn me the title of honor student. I felt like all my hard work in studying wasn't sufficient to achieve that recognition. However, I participated in a cooking competition during this period, and fortunately, I emerged as the champion. This achievement earned me the opportunity to represent my school and secure a second-place finish at the district level. This experience taught me to accept whatever results come my way and to use them as inspiration to improve in the future.

 

During high school, I faced tough times. I felt like giving up, but I found help in unexpected places. I made a good friend who I could talk to about anything. We helped each other through hard times and supported each other. Also, I had a teacher who really cared about me. She encouraged me to do well in school and helped me believe in myself. With her support, I did better in my classes and learned to keep going even when things were tough. High school also brought my first experience with love, which made me excited to go to school every day. But it wasn't all easy. I had some bad experiences that taught me how to be strong and keep moving forward. Despite the challenges, I started thinking about my future. I started small businesses to earn money and worked hard to achieve my dreams. High school taught me a lot, and now I feel ready to face whatever comes next with confidence. High school taught me many useful things that will help me in the future. I learned how to keep going even when things are tough, how to work well with others, and how to understand people's feelings. These lessons will help me as I go forward in life. I'm thankful for everything I learned in high school, and I know it will make a difference in my future.

 

In my adulthood, I grew up with a constant fear of rejection looming over me like a dark cloud. As I stepped into adulthood, this fear only seemed to intensify. It became a heavy burden that I carried with me, shaping my decisions and actions in profound ways. One of the most challenging aspects of this fear was my inability to open up to my parents about my problems. Every time I faced a challenge or felt overwhelmed, I found myself retreating further into myself. I was afraid that if I shared my struggles with my parents, they would judge me or reject me. So, I kept everything bottled up inside, plastering on a smile and pretending that everything was okay, even when it wasn't. As the years passed, this fear of rejection began to seep into every aspect of my life. I avoided taking risks or pursuing my passions because I was scared of failing or being criticized. I struggled to form meaningful connections with others because I was afraid of getting hurt or rejected. But despite my fears, deep down, I longed for understanding and support from my parents. The thought of opening up to them and being vulnerable terrified me, but I couldn't shake the desire for their love and acceptance. It wasn't until I hit a breaking point that I realized keeping everything inside was only making things worse. I began to slowly open up to my parents, tentatively sharing bits and pieces of my fears and struggles. To my surprise, they listened with open hearts and offered me the love and support I so desperately needed. With each conversation, I felt a weight lifting off my shoulders. I learned that being honest about my feelings wasn't a sign of weakness, but rather a testament to my strength and resilience. Opening up to my parents allowed me to build stronger connections with them and find the support I needed to overcome my fear of rejection. Though the journey wasn't easy, it ultimately led me to a place of greater self-acceptance and courage. I realized that by facing my fears and being vulnerable, I could forge deeper connections with others and live a more authentic and fulfilling life.

 

As I write my life story, I am realizing that I am far along in my life. It's a moment of introspection, where I reflect on the journey I've traveled so far. The memories flood back, each chapter a testament to the experiences that have shaped me into who I am today. There have been highs and lows, moments of triumph and moments of despair, but through it all, I've persevered. Looking back, I see how far I've come from the person I once was, how much I've grown and learned along the way. From the innocence of childhood to the uncertainties of adolescence and the challenges of adulthood, each phase has added layers to my story. Yet, as I turn the pages of my past, I am struck by the people who have walked alongside me. Family, friends, mentors—they've all played a part in my narrative, offering support, guidance, and love. Their influence has been profound, shaping not only my experiences but also my values and beliefs. I am reminded of the importance of connection and community, of the power of relationships to enrich our lives and deepen our understanding of ourselves. And as I write, I am also mindful of the dreams and aspirations that have fueled my journey. The goals I've set, the obstacles I've overcome, and the victories I've celebrated—they all speak to my inherent desire for growth and fulfillment. Each milestone reached is a reminder of my capacity for resilience and determination, a testament to the power of perseverance in the face of adversity. But even as I acknowledge how far I've come, I am humbled by the realization that the story is far from finished. There are still chapters waiting to be written, adventures waiting to be explored, and dreams waiting to be realized. And so, as I continue to write, I do so with a sense of anticipation, eager to see where the next chapter will take me, and grateful for the opportunity to shape my own narrative.

[starsbegantofall]

I see complaints that Barbie wasn't a great feminist movie and they're right. Barbie is instead a movie about a doll's relation to the meaning of being human. To go into the movie expecting a call to action for feminism meant you did not watch the trailers. Or the movie lol

This is actually my tweet (or... xeet), but I kinda wanted to expand on it here instead of on... xitter...

The reason being, Barbie is imperfect as a feminist movie. Its female empowerment message is brief, not very clear or logical or offering any real solutions that could work in the real world, and treating a serious subject so lightheartedly isn't effective or sensitive. What Barbie is about, from the trailer and from the very first scene, is a doll that represents to girls all of the exciting possibilities of their future.

Feminism follows behind Barbie, because Barbie is marketed to be an independent adult and not a baby to be taken care of, and Ken is an afterthought, and Barbie doesn't have kids, although she does take care of her sisters and other kids. But feminism isn't what Barbie is solely about and definitely not what the movie is solely about.

Cut below for vague spoilers

Barbie the movie is about how a doll experiences the sorrows and joys of humanity for the first time and how they deal with the question of identity, and to a lesser extent, how humans are able to rediscover themselves through the world of dolls and play pretend. Barbie represents imagination and dreams and possibilities to a girl (child), but once a girl (child) grows up and has a job and family and relationships and responsibilities, what happens to those dreams? Can dreams and reality coexist? Barbie doesn't want to change or become human, but she decides to enter reality anyway because the dream world isn't enough to contain the humanity she gained; is that what adolescence is about? Ken and CEO Will Ferrell represent the patriarchy's toxicity to uhh America Ferrera's character and her daughter, but even there, there is more to Ken and the humans- finding out what they really want to do in life, defining their relationship to others, forging a new identity, learning from past mistakes, being honest with their feelings and expressing them.

As a movie about a toy, an unwilling Pinocchio, a combination of Woody and Buzz Lightyear, that movie about androids, it's a very relatable story that speaks to girls and women much more than Pinocchio or Woody or Buzz Lightyear or creepy android children could. There are real questions and dilemmas within the humor and parody, and the conclusion is as honest and uncertain as real life is. As any other type of movie... it would require like another hour of exposition to hold up to scrutiny, and my bladder is not that strong. That's what I meant when I said the bad parts of the movie come back around as good. The silliness of the characters' actions, doll and human, the self-awareness that the writers have that this is a very nonsense plot, somehow makes the movie more relatable, at least to me. I think if they tried to overexplain or make the moral of the story extra clear and super serious, it would feel try-hard and preachy and take away from the production and acting and the essence of Barbie.

[spectruminterests]

“The Lives in Time of Katherine Kaye”

A silly story about my silly OCs! (But there is also Drama and Angst!) I’m posting this in case anyone has heard something about my soulless mad scientist and her chaos-gremlin younger self and wants to know more, or just for anyone who may happen to be interested lol.

This is kinda a draft/summary of the story so far and as such, it’s a mess, but it’s still very long so I’ve put it under a readmore! (TW for (fictional/fantastical) medical stuff, medical procedures without consent, self-harm, internalized ableism of the anti-neurodivergent variety, identity confusion, and child harm/endangerment)

Some characters and a little worldbuilding, before the story gets started:

Beastfolk/Auracai (a weird fantasy race I made up that’s kind of like elves crossed with catpeople):

Beastfolk age at about half the rate of humans and look like normal humans, but with semi-retractable claws, thin catlike tails, red eyes, and sharpened canines.

“Beastfolk” is what humans call them, referencing their “animal” traits. They call themselves Auracai (this is both singular and plural)

They’re originally from another dimension that contacts the human world (the main story’s world) only occasionally - essentially rare but not unheard of immigrants in this world. 

Sometimes people end up in the wrong world by accident, without a way to get home, as travel between worlds is more “randomly/accidentally slipping through the cracks” than intentional, reliable travel.

Beastfolk can sense souls when in direct contact with someone, humans can’t. 

Katherine Kaye (the main character/characters)

2 versions of her in the story, the emotionless mad scientist adult and the adolescent little chaos gremlin

Auracai/Beastfolk

Has Autism + ADHD + Anxiety

has a much older brother, Theodore, who’s been taking care of them since they ended up in the human world together

KT (the adolescent chaos gremlin version of Katherine)

28 (equivalent of 14)

Mischievous streak

A prankster

Really intense emotions, prone to overreacting

Senior in high school because of weird aging

Amateur singer/songwriter/musician and this is a major part of her personality

goes by KT because “it’s like ‘Katie,’ but cooler!”

Both a STEM nerd and an artist

Dreams of having an impact on the world, both of changing things for the better and of being cool and famous

Self-perception swings with her moods: often confident to the point of arrogance or overconfidence, but during a breakdown she’s full of self-loathing and shame.

Wants to travel, explore, and live a somewhat adventurous life; an ordinary office job would never satisfy her. Boring AF and a total waste of her potential.

Pigtails/twin tails

Likes to act cute to get what she wants

Dr. Kaye (the soulless mad scientist/adult version of Katherine)

Removed her own soul (heart/emotions/creativity/etc.) in an experimental process, which she tested on herself in a frustrated attempt to prove herself and to stop having such intense mood swings + be more productive and “better” without her emotional overreactions.

Ended up getting stuck in the past because she was researching interdimensional travel in an attempt to find a reliable way to get back and forth between the human world and the Auracai world (in this story time travel creates a new timeline/slightly different reality)

creepy ever-present smile (this was a form of masking and a coping mechanism, and remains a habit)

egotistical and doesn’t really realize the extent of it: she thinks that without a soul she’s become perfectly logical and efficient and immune to emotional biases. (This is revealed to be untrue when she has to reevaluate the idea that her current “emotionless” state is an improvement.)

now has really limited emotional range and is coldly logical most of the time

still has a few common emotional states though: excited/passionate/enthusiastic about her work, frustrated/annoyed/exasperated with people who are “not smart enough to see her vision” or “keep getting in the way,” amused at others’ incompetence or at messing with people, and a state of discomfort/guilt/concern about what she’s lost and what things have come to that is usually easily repressed and ignored, triggered by reminders of who she used to be

Really any emotion she feels is almost always mild enough to easily ignore.

Started promoting her soul-removal procedure as a “therapy” for anxiety, depression, various other mood disorders and emotional issues, and autism-related intense mood swings.

tends to dismiss other people as running on “mere irrational emotion”

Age: ~80s (early 40s) (She basically has a midlife crisis after getting stuck in the past lol)

she doesn’t tend to go by her first name and absolutely refuses to answer to the nickname “KT,” even from Ted.

almost completely lost her creative, playful side. No interest in anything artistic, including the music she used to love. “Fun” is not only unnecessary, but largely impossible for her, and anything involving conveying or coping with emotions? Forget it.

KT’s brother/guardian: Theodore Kaye

Perpetually exhausted, at the end of his rope

Nicknamed Ted, rarely goes by his full name Theodore

~ 50 (equivalent of 25)

Responsible because he has to be

Introverted

Low energy

Autistic (I love giving everyone the ‘tism lol)

Loyal to his sister, has a special connection with the one person who was there for him both before and after getting stuck in a different world

The story so far:

KT sees something about Dr. Kaye in the news and it mentions that she’s Beastfolk, which makes KT think that maybe she and Ted have a relative they didn’t know about. So KT goes on a bit of a wild goose chase trying to contact this person who might just be someone who happens to have the same last name. They meet, and Dr. Kaye explains the time stuff. Ted is looking for help and Dr. Kaye is like “oh yeah should probably do that, younger me will probably be a great collaborator when she’s a little older.” Ted gets the feeling that something is off about Dr. Kaye, but kinda doesn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth. Clearly, this is his sister, or a version of her anyway, and although KT is a prankster, she’s a good kid. It’d totally be fine to trust her with… herself. Right? Right?

Time passes, Dr. Kaye recommends KT books, KT gets increasingly curious about Dr. Kaye’s weirder habits. She plays pranks on her, thinking her future self will laugh. She’d laugh. Dr. Kaye pretends to be amused the first time, then doesn’t react at all. She doesn’t react to a lot of things, actually, seeming to have no interest in much of anything, not caring about the things KT has liked her entire life. Something must have happened to her in the future that she refuses to discuss in order to create this weird disconnect, right? 

Meanwhile this entire time Dr. Kaye has just been… watching KT be herself, which causes her a slight, odd feeling of discomfort that she can’t seem to explain. 

Beastfolk, unlike humans, can sense someone’s soul when in direct contact with them. Dr. Kaye is careful to avoid touching people and not make it weird, a habit she formed before getting stuck in the past in order to avoid making other Beastfolk uncomfortable with her soullessness, and has become more important now that she’s stuck in the past and is attempting to hide her lack of a soul.  She also usually locks her bedroom door at night, but one night the door is accidentally left unlocked, and KT notices and tries to play a prank by putting a fake bug in Dr. Kaye’s bed while she’s asleep. She touched Dr. Kaye by accident  - she didn’t really mean to violate her boundaries, but she made the necessary contact and what she sensed was terrifying. 

KT: *screams*

Kaye: *wakes up confused* what the hell are you doing???

KT: *too scared to react*

Kaye: I forgot to lock the door, didn’t I? And now you’re in my room staring at me like a deer in headlights. Just what do you think you’re doing?!? 

KT: I, uh, it was just a prank, I didn’t mean to wake you up, you- your soul…

Kaye: *finds the fake bug* you touched me, didn’t you, as you were messing around trying to plant this ridiculous plastic bug for me to find in the morning… and I suppose I should explain things now that the cat is out of the bag, shouldn’t I? 

She explains to KT about removing her soul and KT is horrified, but even more fascinated. She wants to know more, even though she also wants to run very fast in the opposite direction, and her other self is happy to explain.

KT: *holding Dr. Kaye’s hand, still fascinated by the strange emptiness inside of her* Does… does it hurt? Not having a soul, I mean…

Dr. Kaye: It doesn’t hurt anymore… but it did, at first. I won’t lie to you, removing it was… an extremely painful process. Of course, in most cases it’s done under anesthesia… though I obviously didn’t have that option. After the procedure, there’s definitely some pain, some lingering soreness, which is rather unresponsive to painkillers, but the worst of it fades naturally fairly quickly, and in a few weeks it’s entirely gone.  There’s also a certain sense of emptiness, afterwards… it feels like something is missing deep inside of you, which I suppose is true, but it’s a feeling I didn’t find it hard to get used to. That empty feeling never truly goes away, but it’s distressing at first mostly because it’s disconcerting, rather than being painful. It’s something I can sense even now, if I’m thinking about it, but I no longer find it bothersome, and I haven’t for a long time. 

KT: That… kinda makes sense? And you said you don’t really feel emotions anymore? 

Dr. Kaye: Yes, and that’s been an immense relief. No more anxiety, no more meltdowns. 

KT: … no more happiness, though? 

Dr. Kaye: I suppose you could say that… but I would say that might simply be the cost of being free of emotional bias. I do find I sometimes experience mild emotion-like states… I’ve found it unpleasant to be interrupted while I’m working, for example… but such experiences are transient and low in intensity, and as such they are easily dismissed. 

Dr. Kaye then explains her plans to republish her discoveries in this timeline and promote her soul-removal procedure as a “therapy” for a variety of emotional problems, as she did in her own time. KT, understandably, freaks out further. 

Meanwhile Ted starts realizing that something is deeply wrong with Dr. Kaye and wants his sister back. Eventually Dr. Kaye decides her kid self needs her “treatment” a little early because she keeps “being difficult,” as well as wanting to spare her younger self the suffering of having to live with her emotional overreactions. She tries to figure out the best way to present this to KT so she’ll agree to undergo the procedure willingly, but also prepares to do it by force if necessary, convinced that she knows what’s best for them. KT asks Dr. Kaye about her regrets, which with everything makes the repressed issues come back to the forefront. As she tries to say she regrets nothing and to ask KT to follow in her footsteps, these words somehow seem like a lie. KT is horrified, but her screaming and freaking out just solidifies in Dr. Kaye’s mind that she’s overreacting. She lets KT wear out her panic until she breaks down in despairing tears and states that if KT doesn’t stop resisting, she will force her. 

“KT, listen to me. I’m you. I know what’s best for us. This is for your own good. Now, you can be good and listen to reason, or you can keep fighting and I will have to forcibly sedate you. Either way, when you wake up you won’t have to be sad and scared like this ever again. The pain you might feel now will be nothing compared to all the suffering I’m sparing you.” “W… will… I’m never going play pranks or sing or play music or draw or play pretend ever again will I… but I guess I have to grow up and give that stupid stuff up anyway… I… I have to grow up faster like you and stop that nonsense…”

Dr. Kaye realizes in that moment that she hasn’t done a single creative thing, hasn’t hummed a tune, doodled in the margins of a notebook, made up stories to fall asleep to, anything, since the day she cut out her soul. Is that worthless, or is that something she’s subconsciously missed for a very long time? She remembers that cutting out her own soul was originally an act of desperation and self-hate. She reconsiders everything.

 Meanwhile KT is escaping. She runs home to Ted and cries in his arms. Dr. Kaye realizes that she doesn’t actually want KT to end up like her, and tries to apologize for everything, but is pushed away by Ted. Not wanting to waste this chance to tell her past self what she wishes she’d known, she disappears, but begins to write a diary/memoir of all the regrets she’d never let herself “waste time” dwelling on and all the useful life things she knows from experience that were hard or impossible to find in books. She leaves it for KT one day, around the time of KT’s high school graduation, and KT reads it and tries to find her again. Despite Ted’s deep distrust of Dr. Kaye, they reconnect, originally through email because Ted understandably doesn’t want Dr. Kaye anywhere near his sister. KT really wants to apprentice under Dr. Kaye, as working and training under an experienced mentor is common practice for young people in the Auracai world, and she argues with Ted about it. 

“I thought you really wanted to go to a human university? Wasn’t that your big dream?” “Well kinda, but that was before I met Dr. Kaye! She’d be the perfect mentor because she’s doing so many things and they’re all the things I’m interested in!!!” “Are you completely forgetting that she tried to take your soul?!?? As far as I’m concerned, she’s unstable and dangerous.” “Okay yeah maybe she’s a little unstable but she wouldn’t be dangerous at all to me, she didn’t take my soul because she actually listens to me, remember?” “Katherine. Stop for a moment and listen to yourself. I can’t believe this is a conversation we even need to have.” “I’m trying to listen to myself, that’s kinda the whole point! ;) Someone keeps saying it’s a bad idea!” (KT doesn’t consider herself and Dr. Kaye to be fully one and the same the way Dr. Kaye does, but the joke was far too good for KT to pass up.) “You know what I meant, and it did not involve the potential future you that’s a soulless lunatic!” 

Dr. Kaye starts asking KT for advice on moral and emotional matters, and KT feels needed. Ted begins to relax a little, though he still really doesn’t trust her. Dr. Kaye invites KT to join her on some kind of research trip, and KT sneaks away to do so against Ted’s orders. He is livid with her… but it is a little reassuring that she’s quite unharmed and had a good time. Eventually Ted’s attitude of “I am not letting you walk to your death” softens into “I’m not sure if I can stop you, and it’s really on you if you get hurt after I tried to stop you, but please text me every night with an update on your latest song or art project or whatever or just something about your day, something that’s you, so I know you’re okay.” So KT gets her apprenticeship, and the Katherines end up forming a sort of symbiotic relationship, with Dr. Kaye acting as a mentor, guardian, and voice of reason to KT, and KT acting as Dr. Kaye’s heart and soul and conscience. Dr. Kaye is still soulless but is starting to come to terms with it now… not exactly “okay” but no longer ignoring that there was a loss and more willing to listen to others or at least to her kid self. Although she also likes to say that if she regained her former emotional range now, she’d probably have a heart attack… especially when KT is causing trouble.

[m4gp13]

That other post about my old pjo OC put me in the mood to talk about the only other pjo OC of mine that I remember, Old Man Martha. I got the idea from the mention that sometimes demigods who age out of being campers but aren't ready for the real world decide to stay in camp as basically members of staff but we literally never see a single character like this in the books.

Old Man Martha is actually a son of Hermes called, uh, something. He came to camp when he was a teenager way back when and used to be a really upbeat and peppy kid that was super excited to be a demigod because he thought it was the coolest thing ever. Then he went on a quest and was really excited but he was horrifically traumatised by the deaths of his questing partners and he ran back to camp without completing the quest. When he was training at camp, the dangers of the outside world never actually sunk in and he was just vaguely aware that being a demigod was dangerous, he was not at all prepared for the reality. After his botched quest, he developed a debilitating fear of the outside world and never left camp after returning. When he got too old to be a camper, he begged Chiron for anything he could do that would allow him to stay so Chiron gave him the pity-position of being the camp groundskeeper, which was basically a glorified janitor.

Over the years everyone cycled out except him. All the people he knew when he was a camper either died while they were outside of the camp or they left to pursue semi-normal lives (and then died). All the constant deaths of literally everyone he knew just reinforced his fear. After a while when it was just campers who met him when he was already a full-grown and ageing adult, the collective consciousness of the camp just kind of forgot that he used to be one of them and he became more of a local legend and just part of the lore of the area. No one knew anything about him and just thought he was some silly, paranoid old man so they called him Old Man Martha as a joke and it stuck.

After Luke got back from his botched quest, Old Man Martha was strongly reminded of himself and his failed quest so he started just hanging around in proximity to him a lot, not really talking to him but they sort of gained a sense of silent camaraderie. Unfortunately, another person that took an interest in Luke after his failed quest was Kronos, who kept sending him dreams and whispering in his ears. At one point Kronos sent a monster to the camp borders so Luke could practice letting a monster in but Old Man Martha saw him acting suspicious and followed him, ending up walking in on him letting the monster in. He tried to get Luke to fight the monster but he was kind of in shock and didn't know what to do so he just stood there while the monster killed Old Man Martha and then left soon after. Luke didn't tell anyone what he did that day so everyone just assumed he got killed by some monster in the woods, got smited/smote by a god, or that his old nut finally cracked and he just left.

Luke never talked about Old Man Martha after the incident and Kronos managed to twist it in his mind as the moment that pushed him over the boundary from hating the gods to being willing to kill innocents over it. Technically the only thing Martha did wrong was be in the wrong place at the wrong time and Luke was really conflicted about the role he played in causing and covering up his death. Kronos convinced him that some deaths were necessary and innocent people had to die in order for their goals to be met, which is why this nineteen year old kid is so chill about committing Baby's First Attempted Murder on Percy at the end of TLT

Since Luke was already getting too old to be a camper in TLT, I just like the idea of him having a foil or parallel character who was basically just him if he chose to stay in camp and let his fear overpower his anger. The more Kronos whispered in his head, the more he probably saw Old Man Martha as what he could become if he didn't do anything to change his situation or fight back against it, which might have led to an underlying sense of resentment for Old Man Martha or even a sense of camaraderie.

[meetaethere]

"Childhood Dreams, Adult Realities: A Journey of Growth and Discovery"

As I sit down to write my life story from childhood to adulthood, I am overcome with a rush of memories, emotions, and reflections. My journey from childhood to adulthood has been a tapestry woven with threads of joy, sorrow, love, and growth. Each chapter has shaped the person I am today.

Childhood was a time of innocence and wonder, filled with endless possibilities and boundless imagination. I grew up in a small town. My earliest memories are of lazy summer days going to grandma's house every weekend, spending time playing with my friends,and catching fireflies as the sun dipped below.From the earliest days of my childhood, grandma's house was my sanctuary. Every weekend, without fail, I'd eagerly go to her house, my heart brimming with anticipation. As soon as I crossed the threshold, I was enveloped in the comforting embrace of her love and warmth. Grandma's house is not just a place; it was a haven where I felt safe.With Grandma by my side, every day was a memorable adventure waiting to unfold. From making champorado,chika and exploring the wonders of her backyard garden, we embarked on countless escapades filled with laughter and imagination. He wanted me to become a teacher someday.As I grew older, I came to cherish not only the moments of fun but also the invaluable lessons of love and wisdom that Grandma imparted to me. Through her gentle guidance and unwavering support, in Grandma's eyes, I was always enough, just as I was. She always said congratulations for my small achievements until now, comforted my tears, brought me home from work, and encouraged my dreams with unwavering faith, support, and unconditional love. No matter the challenges or uncertainties that life presents, I am also blessed with my parents because, as far as I can remember, until now, my birthdays were like stepping into a wonderland. Even if it was a simple celebration, my parents made sure that each one was special, with tons of presents and decorations. When I was young too, I remember that going to the dentist scared me silly. The whirring tools and masked faces made me tremble. So, I avoided the dentist like the plague, and because I was afraid, I ignored any toothaches or problems. I hoped they would just go away on their own. But as I got older, my teeth started to look less nice.Eventually, the pain got so bad that I had to go to the dentist. With a pounding heart, I finally faced my fear and sat in the dreaded chair.The dentist was kind and gentle, even though my teeth weren't in great shape. They helped me fix the problems and showed me how to take better care of my teeth, but the doctor said I needed to have braces to make my teeth straight and nice, but they were too expensive and we couldn't afford them, so I didn't have braces.And now I am not confident and shy speaking in front of many people because of my teeth. Every time I stood before a crowd, my heart raced and my palms sweated. But it wasn't just the fear of public speaking that held me back; it was the fear of being judged because of my teeth.As I entered adolescence, the landscape of my life began to shift in unexpected ways. I grappled with the tumultuous journey of self-discovery,belonging, and purpose. High school was a time of both exhilaration and heartache, as I forged friendships and relationships and weathered the storms of academic pressure and social expectations.

Amidst the chaos of adolescence, there were moments of profound clarity and growth.

As I graduated from high school and ventured into the realm of adulthood, I was met with a newfound sense of freedom and responsibility.

Senior high offered a fresh start, a chance to reinvent myself and pursue my goals to achieve them.Entering senior high school was both exciting and nerve-wracking. As I stepped through the doors on the first day, I was filled with a mix of anticipation and uncertainty. The halls seemed larger, the expectations higher, and the challenges greater than ever before.

But alongside the excitement of newfound independence, there were moments of uncertainty and self-doubt.As a senior high school student, speaking in front of others was a daunting challenge. The mere thought of standing before a crowd sent shivers down my spine, and my voice often faltered in the face of fear. But deep down, I knew I wanted to change.Despite my fear, I made a conscious decision to confront my insecurities and work on improving my self-confidence when speaking in front of class and many people for my own good.But amidst my shyness, I always remembered something my grandma used to say: that he wanted me to become a teacher someday. Her words stayed with me, a gentle reminder of her belief in me, even when I didn't believe in myself.I realized that if I wanted to fulfill my grandma's wish, I would have to overcome my fear of speaking in front of others. So, little by little, I started to push myself out of my comfort zone, improving my self-confidence when speaking in front of many people because I remember one person telling me that I should not be shy when speaking in front of many people because judgements are always around us. All we have to do is believe in ourselves that we can do it and ignore what people say around us as long as we do not hurt other people. Thats why, until now, step by step, I have been helping myself and encouraging myself to be strong and improve my self-confidence for my own good and those who believe that I can achieve my dream of becoming a teacher someday, and I believe that if anyone can do it, I can do it.

And my grandma's outspoken mentors as my role models who inspired me to dream big and pursue my goals with unwavering determination.

Through it all, I have learned that life is a journey of constant evolution, self-discovery, and self-acceptance.Each chapter of my life has brought with it its own set of challenges and triumphs, shaping me into the person I am today. And as I reflect on the path that has led me here, I am filled with gratitude for the lessons learned, the friendships forged, and the experiences that have shaped my journey from childhood to adulthood. As I embark on this narrative journey, I hope to capture the essence of my experiences and the lessons they have taught me.

[non-un-topo]

End of the year questions!

Tagged by @aphroditestummyrolls. Thank you, my friend! <3

Tagging @guarncre @spacegirlsgang @andrea-lyn @ladytessa74, and everyone!

What is your favourite thing you created?

I've talked about it more than enough, but probably my big baby, Axis. Jericho, My Moon is a favourite too, for its whimsy and dream-like quality and gothic romance. I want to write more things like that.

Which work are you proudest of?

Definitely Axis. It's just under 30 thousand words, and took me a year while I was working through a ton of grief, stress, an identity crisis (ongoing to this day lol), and just generally losing touch with reality. I think it's one of the most raw and beautiful things I've written, though I'm def overselling it. I'm also happy with the section break illustrations I made for it!

Is there anything you are proud of that you achieved this year?

Mostly my university achievements. I won 3 awards/bursaries this year due to my hard work! Got a work/study position at a small feminist library in my faculty, made some classroom friends, and have been enjoying helping students when they come to me. I guess I'm also proud of myself for... maybe.. perhaps... coming to the point where I can no longer deny that I'm trans. It's been a lot. It's shaken the very ground from under me. But at this point I don't think it can be denied anymore. It's time to be brave.

Did you explore anything new this year? (A new way to be creative, a trope you didn’t write before, or an idea you hadn’t thought of earlier, etc.)

I guess gothic romance is a new thing for my writing. I'm kind of a romance hater tbh, so I usually just background the relationships or struggle with forefronting them, but I'm becoming more of a fan of the weird and macabre kind of romance. Also not necessarily new, but I almost never write modern aus and I completed one this year: tempests of dust. I guess you could say my canon-divergent t4t au, Wolf Tooth, is new too!

Which work gave you the most difficulty?

Besides the aforementioned 30k fic, probably finishing misplaced items of great (in)convenience. I let that one sit for a while, which I guess kind of lines up with the themes of the fic lol. Burnout is real.

What was your biggest creative challenge this year?

Drawing ;_; At all. Perfectionism and self-scrutiny stop me before I can begin. That, and I have a lot of WIPs I started in 2023 that are supposed to be pretty big.

Which work brought you the most joy?

Hounds! I wrote that 8k bitch in nearly one sitting because I was so fired up.

Which of your works do you think people should check out?

Not all from 2023, but perhaps some of my less read ones. Obviously I want people to read the long ones about grief and liminal space and adventures that I worked so hard on, but I know most people don't have the energy or desire to sit down and read a lot of plot.

I'd recommend an Andy-focused one from my mystery series, Chronos, and Primavera, my little Nico 3000-headcanons-stuffed-into-a-trenchcoat backstory. My time loop fic, la mer a bercé mon coeur pour la vie, is also a fun little Andy-centric team adventure. My queer ass is also very fond of Eight Minutes. Lastly, one of my Booker fics, all things pass into the night.

I should say that not all of my fics are available for people without ao3 accounts.

Do you have creative plans for next year? Is there anything exciting you’re currently working on?

Oh gosh, I want to be so productive in 2024. I really hope I can be! I have plans for another queer quartet adventure with mystery elements that will hopefully be longer and more adventurous than the works in the Tetrad Mysteries. I miss it when that was my specialty! I also am working on a big canon-divergent au in which Joe and Nicky were childhood friends (and still end up killing each other). That fic mostly takes place during their adolescence and young adult years, so I'm sort of stuck on how to end it since I'm worried it'll be a disappointing read for people if it ends in Jerusalem. But we already know the rest of their story, more or less. I've put it on hold for a while due to sensitive subject matter that I feel is just inappropriate for the world right now.

Those are the two big projects, but I'm also hoping to do some collaborations, maybe open up commissions (we'll see how busy I am in the summer!), and have some smaller works in progress.

Lastly, any words of wisdom or anything else you would like to share?

We are not defined by our productivity. The process is always happening and we are always changing and learning, even if we're not actively "creating."

[oraclekleo]

Hello! 🦊

I am here to give you feedback on the BHS Bang Chan reading!

1.) Blindfolded by you - my favorite part of the reading and we're only at the first question! I love this kind of image for Chan. So sensual, soft and intimate. I wish to dream about this at night 😂 Plus, he deserves that kind of pampering ten fold 😁 to help release some of that stress haha

2.) Handcuffed by you - The picture you paint of Chan is seriously so sexy. Gentle, sweet, and may I say torturous sexy games with a soft submissive Chan sounds like a dream 😩I'm down to fulfil such wishes 😂

3.) Spanked by you - I agree with you here that he's perhaps too soft to be into spanking or pain 🧐 But Chan does love being playful so he'll probably enjoy anything on a playful note and not an intense serious one 😁

4.) Blindfolds you - Chan is such a soft, soft man but I have noticed there's a naughty side to him that just lovesss to tease. He probably gets that fun surge of power from watching people's reactions to his teasing, so, I think it links very well to what you said here. That if you give him the power to allow him to play with all your senses he's gonna think it exciting and thrilling indeed. 😁 But then at the same time he's also one of the most loving people on this earth so of course he would praise and worship, you're right 😂

5.) Handcuffs you - I also love the image of a passionate Chan. (I think I love all sides of Chan though- maybe even a possessive one? 😏) Once more this is very very sexy and I can totally see him as a service dom

6.) Spanks you - I wholeheartedly just agree with what you wrote here! He's too soft and playful for pain.

Overall, I think you caught Chan's essence well in this reading 😁It sounds like him! And while I might not be able to tell if the image you painted of sub Chan is even remotely close to reality, I sure do hope it is! Because it's gonna remain in my head now and (hopefully) haunt me in my dreams 😂

Hello!

Aww! Thank you so much!

I'm happy you liked the Bang Chan BHS tarot reading!

I tried my best to capture his nature, though, obviously, the reality can be completely different. I stay humble and insecure despite the fact that many of my readings hit the bull's eye. One should never become too sure of themselves. 😁

I'm happy the reading pleased you and I'll work on the rest of the group.

Feel free to check the Hyunjin reading, now available for free on my Tumblr page.

Hyunjin - BHS Tarot reading

And if the rest of my followers are curious about where to get the Bang Chan reading, here you go!

Bang Chan - BHS Tarot reading

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[compassionatereminders]

I'm from an Asian country. Saying this just for context. So I wanted to study literature. Wasn't allowed to because here your parents pay for your education and what they say, goes. So I had to study Comp Sci. The year I finished my MSc COVID hit, as a consequences the in campus job interviews were called off. In here, usually if you don't bag a job from in campus interview you're pretty much fucked. So I decided to get a further MTech degree. I didn't really want to but at that point I really didn't know what else to do with my life and I also have the responsibility of looking after my family as I'm the first child. I've taken the entrance test twice. Failed twice. Because I really don't want to study a subject I couldn't care less about. This is my third attempt. I haven't studied much for this time either. It's not like I don't know or understand that I have to study or that I don't try... I try really hard. I do... But it's getting exhausting fighting this neverending battle within myself for 8 years now. I've thought about ending my life multiple times. I don't know what to do. I need a job. I can't see myself sitting in front of a screen coding away for the rest of my life. On top of that, whenever I pick up a book or sit down to write – I feel like I've found home. Literature excites me. Philosophy excites me. The complex interplay of truth and fiction, of life and imagination excites me. It makes me want to look forward to the next day. But then this reality hits like a slap that I'll NEVER be able to pursue a career I would have loved to have, and it's like I'm a torn kite falling on the ground – tearing apart even more from the friction with rough branches and walls and buildings on my way down. I'm losing my emotions. I don't feel anything anymore most of the day. The days have become a blur and I'm only hanging on because I'm not dead yet. I don't know what to do. I don't know how long I can carry on like this.

You obviously can't carry on like this. And it sounds like it's time for you to put yourself above your family's wishes. You gave this a shot. You tried to adjust your life to their demands. You gave it what you had. And now it's time to put yourself first. Don't kill yourself pursuing someone else's dream! It's not their life. You're not their property. You're an adult now, and you deserve to make your own decisions about your own future.

[hernameisgwynne]

Why I’m Leaving Teaching

In a yearbook-like collection back in, let’s say, 2004, there’s an entry from a little girl. It answered the question “What do you want to be when you grow up” and in 2004, it was easy: the little girl wanted to be a teacher. Despite earning a degree in a different field, and telling everyone else that it is not what she wanted anymore, a teacher, still, she would become. Who knew that after eight years of being a teacher--a dream she’s had most of her life--she’d be resigning, never to teach again. In this country, at least.

If you haven’t guessed it yet, that little girl was me--10 or 11, brooding writer, shy loner, and already had a penchant for oversharing. While everyone else had doctor or policeman or even astronaut in their entries, I wrote something more practical, more achievable: a teacher. 

Chalk it up to having teachers who were nurturing or intelligent, or a grandmother who was a retired principal, but I have always wanted to be a teacher. When I was applying for universities in my last year of high school, all my forms had education. Even when I passed up the opportunity to go to a teaching school, being a teacher was still on my mind. So at 21--a fresh grad with no second interviews, mourning over a sister who was gone too soon, and healing a broken heart--I decided to apply for a teaching job. 

When I got the job, I was ecstatic. The “job” I had before this drained so much from me, that this breath of fresh air--which included twenty-three almost adults--was the thing I wanted, no, needed. For years after that, despite the many comments from people around me--my mother especially--of the job not paying enough, of my potential being lost, of apply for public school already! and the exhaustion of just being a teacher. I knew I was happy. 

Until I wasn’t.

When the owners of the school talked to me about my leaving, in between my bawling, one of them said: “The pandemic really took so much from us” and she’s right: it started with the pandemic. 

When I graduated from university, there were so many things I didn’t know, but there was one that I did: I didn’t want to be stuck in an office, staring at a computer, day in and day out. So when were all forced to do just that, I almost lost it. 

The changes were bullets you had no choice but to take. From being at a safe distance from the looming eyes of parents, we were now front and center. From seeing the improvement of these kids with our own eyes, we had to believe that what we were seeing is truly improvement. From the incessant conversations and oftentimes annoying laughter, there was now only silence and black screens. There was no formal diagnosis, but I knew, I was depressed.

Still, I trudged. I found happiness in fleeting conversations with some of them, a semblance of recess and lunch breaks when these kids would surround the teacher’s table. I found excitement in the submissions of some of them, the phrases and sentences carrying the honesty they were still willing to sharing. I found a reason in all of them, and I held on to those. Even if there were parents who called me names, even when there were students who had no respect of my time, even when the deadlines and paperwork piled up, even when I asked--no begged--for cameras opened and all I receive are empty black screens, I still grasped at straws to find meaning as to why I was still doing this.

The meaning came in the form of blended learning. Back in school, back in the classrooms, back in front of dozens of eyes, ready, excited, present. In my head, I thought, maybe I can still do this, maybe I can still be teacher they deserve again. 

But I wasn’t. I thought it was going to be easier, but I was wrong. The exhaustion of teaching and paperwork outweighed the excitement of being a teacher. The glaring reality of not being paid enough outweighed the truth I accepted so long ago--that this was my passion. The feeling that I wasn’t good and kind and the person I needed when I was younger outweighed the love I thought I still had. And the worst thing? The parents and all their constant demands outweighed the care I had for their children. 

And that’s why I’m leaving teaching: I am not a teacher anymore--I have become the empty husk of one. All the love and care and affection I thought I had with this job, this career, has been taken from me--first by the pandemic, then by the demands of everything else. Every time I beg for cameras to be on so that I can see that they’re there. Every time someone messages me at an ungodly hour asking for this, asking for that, when everything has already been said. Every time I am called in when I shouldn’t be. Every single time a parent messages me asking me to do more of the job that they should be doing. And, still, every time I do all those, every time I allow myself to say ‘yes’, to reply, to apologize, I take from me, too.

It is easy to blame external circumstances, especially since they play a huge part in my decision, but I am not being honest, not being me, if I don’t factor myself in, too. I could have said no, could have taken care of myself better, could have turned the laptop, the phone, off. But I didn’t. All because I loved, no, love, being a teacher. 

The easy answer to why I’m leaving teaching is them, and there’s morsels of truth in that. The harder answer, the one that hurts the most to accept, is that it’s me. I have always wanted to be seen as kind and giving and selfless, but the pandemic and everything else have taken that, too. 

They took all of me, yes, but I also asked too much, expected too much. There are no more reasons because I lost all of them, but I have also given up finding them again and just accepted defeat. 

I’m leaving teaching because I’ve decided to become selfish, because for the first time in a long time, I’m choosing myself and my happiness over anyone else’s. I am going to miss all of it, all of them, but I am ready now. I am ready to leave. 

[undercoverxs]

((TRYING TO WRITE MY KAZUI THEORY AND TUMBLR DELETES IT. UNFAIR.

Whatever. Hi. This man baffles the mind but I wanted to get down my thoughts on him before his s2 song drops. I'm gonna skip over providing evidence cuz I'm not writing all that shit again. If you want elaborations just ask!!

S1 Kazui theory below & if I'm far enough off base I will die in a parking lot!!

-

The details of the actual events are muddy and I'm scared, and not the main point of my analysis anyway, skip below for the juicier stuff, but my theory goes as follows

He and his wife get married, all is fun and lovely

Kazui is a liar boy tm. more on that later.

She starts feeling distant and sad :(

He pursues his career. in the process he meets Bar Lady

As he does this, he's spending noticeably less time with wife. She doesn't know what's going on. It adds to the worries she's already fostered, watching him lie through their marriage and all.

Networking with Bar Lady becomes vital for his growth in Career(tm)

He doesn't cheat on his wife. (at least not emotionally? Things might have escalated, but I don't think he fell for her. The way he acts is cordial. He wears his ring blatantly. If it did escalate, it's probably because she wanted it to, and he didn't see a problem with it because he didn't actually love her. It's a chess move.)

He tells his wife about it. "I've failed before when prioritizing emotions. I'll never act on my feelings ever again." -- I think he either started feeling guilty and confessed, or his 'networking' worked and got him an impressive gig, and he told her in excitement.

As said, she's been watching his tendencies for a long time now. Worrying for their relationship, trying to communicate but getting nothing out of him. She might even have started worrying that something is wrong with her? He always acts like the perfect man, and never shows the dark underbelly that humans have- worrying about her own troubles next to his 'perfection' isn't out of he question, in my opinion. But learning about this- straws and camels, you know

All that, and, or, it's possible that he did fall for the Bar Lady, whatever. Maybe he told wife he didn't love her anymore. Or maybe she told him she knew something was up with him, and he needed to sort himself out. Maybe wife died, maybe bar lady died, maybe he died. I can't claim to know exactly what went down, what I really want to tackle is how I think Kazui approaches life

That is, it's all a play. All of it.

Growing up, and becoming a 'good, responsible adult' -- This is something he idealized, internalized, obsessed over, and acted out as perfectly as he could manage.

And that's the problem. He's never not thinking about his role in society, even here, in the minor 'society' of this prison-- He's so focused on this role of his, but he never actually understood what goes on behind the scenes of a 'good, responsible adult'.

It became a matter of ignoring every emotion. And his fatal flaw, as he sees it-- what killed another, and what ruined the 'perfect life' he was achieving, was emotion. He 'dared to dream' -- I interpret this lament of his as being about his career, aspiring for 'bigger and better' rather than settling for the average 'pays-the-bills' kind of work that a typical 'responsible adult' might do.

That, and speaking to his wife honestly for the first time about it. Imagining that he could bring a bit of truth into this 'picture-perfect marriage' , reveal a bit of what laid behind his curtain, get emotional, just a little, and that- as far as he can tell- leading to her death. When we affirmed him, it affirmed these ideas-- So he still has yet to wrap his head around exactly what had happened.

In his mind, lies are good. Normal. Everybody does it.

Emotions are useless. Remorse is useless. Things like that only bring about pain.

In the preview of "Cat", he seems frustrated-- Of course he is, because the worldview he was assured is right just doesn't line up with reality. The fact of that has been brought front and center through milgram, and some part of him understands, on some level, that lying as much as he does isn't good. It's killed someone. But he doesn't know the first thing about how to cope with that, to even accept that, really-- and I think being told he's 'forgiven' has only worsened his ability to make sense of it.

Right now, while he's trying to act unbothered and be a rock for the younglings, I think he's actually feeling very frustrated and confused. But as he does, as he always does, he suppresses and ignores it until milgram yanks it from the depths of his heart.

-

one more note, since I'm not sure where to smoothly fit it- I can't say I'm convinced he actually loves his wife. He seems to care a great deal about her, has fun with her, and maybe thinks he loves her? Maybe. But proper love, the kind that she deserved, is something that he just can't grasp with his current approach to emotions.

I also think it's very possible that he only married her because it's 'what you do'. The ideal image of an adult, in his mind, is married. He liked her enough to play house... But for her to go and die, and plunge his life into all this-- While I think he might be genuinely grieving, at least a little, he still seems to be kind of cold about it? Hard to tell amidst his lying habits, but I wouldn't put it past him to sort of blame her for his current situation. Everything was going to script until she up and died, after all.

Can't say for sure if he's that dark, but I wouldn't be surprised either way, is what I'm saying.

.

All in all, though-- Life is a play. Everything follows a tried and true script.

Going off-script is something that always has- but especially now- left him baffled, lost, and very scared.

I think he's going to cling to his role with everything he has, until Milgram has not only ripped away his mask, but torn it to a thousand pieces.

[larrythefloridaman]

Opinions on the obvious Larold of Florida Residence

you've made a critical mistake by asking me what i think about larry generally when my power limiters (discord message size limit) are off.

(spoilers for cpuk20 and onward under the cut including the nccts)

Larry as a core cast member of cpu kerfuffle is so perfectly potent for a series that makes multifaceted identity and the foundationally important human obligation of supporting one another central themes, because his entire character is built on masks and forms and titles and facets of the self, utilized as needed or wanted, sometimes lost and sometimes gained, but all a part of a unified whole, excellently portrayed through the character progression of Florida Man > Larry, the erratic shapeshifter > Home MD > Lawrence "Larry the Florida Man" Home, MD, from hapless barely-adult who scoffs at anything less than stardom, doesnt really Understand the danger of risk despite constant risk-taking behavior and doesnt even accept that he likes men yet to Talented and Well-known Medical Researcher Homeowner Pillar of The Community, who is Extremely Loud And Proud about his Beloved Boyfriend and Steady albeit Stressful Work In the Medical Care Profession

already fascinating before the nccts, but fleshed out even more seeing how uncertain of himself he was when he first arrived- not even accepting his attraction to other men yet, thinking it probably a phase, J0hn implies he freaked out a little the first time they really talked about it! their little interaction in the dream about it also leads me to assume their time adjusting to their altered selves after the experiments wasnt the first time J0hn helped Larry to see himself in bold and honest terms. Florida Man sees his future self and bemoans the boring normalcy of getting older and doing something like deciding to go to school and pursue a career in the medical field instead of becoming a big champ star of the tournament or some such other starry-eyed fantasy, as such though the idea of curing death itself as a personal achievement DOES manage to thrill him into reconsidering that a little. he is... understandably skeptical of a lot of the weird shit we tell him comes to happen in his adult life that surrounds all that, despite how cool he thinks parts of what we told him is. his future powers excite him, even if the havoc it wreaks on his body when he watches his future self change does... unsettle him. the idea of the time travel he takes with a grain of salt- joking about 'the simulation,' unaware of the irony of this tongue-in-cheek comment and its truthful element to the nature of his reality. this is a weird dream he's having, it doesn't mean much else to him yet, seeing what his future holds is... meaningful in a way, but it hasnt yet come to pass and he cant yet imagine it realistically because its not real to him yet. a dreamed up hypothetical which sits on the horizon which only we understood fully has already been carved in stone. his feelings are those of a not yet mature perspective of someone that can only barely be considered an adult looking on a future he can barely envision with any real weight because he's got his eyes set on the stars, uninterested and unwilling to make eye contact long with the mundane and painful long enough to worry about them, convinced he won't have to deal with them if he succeeds. "don't need insurance if you never crash!"

this doesn't last, of course. for reasons and through circumstances left largely undescribed as yet, Larry as well as his boyfriend fall victim to Dr. Order's experiments, experiencing life-changing trauma. they support eachother through learning to cope with their altered selves and deepening the closeness of their bond. Larry develops a... complicated relationship with his new powers, loving them and yet thinking them also a kind of curse. Unsurprising, considering the circumstances that lead to obtaining them and certain drawbacks they have. and in this period too one can find the implication of an internal conflict between a love for performing as part of the tournament, and being more authentically himself by seperating things that pertain to his personal self from it. with his initial re-debut with his powers, as a result of the improv, he uses them as a strange kind of anonymization from his initial stage title, using an unrecognizable neutral form, only going by his normal first name with the descriptive tag of his powers. (until hamhel makes him mad enough to try to beat his ass 'unmasked' in full view of the camera, lol.) larry, the erratic shapeshifter. they talk about how he works like. at the grocery store. Larry makes more appearances in tournaments in this period than any other, revealing more and more of himself while also kind of hiding himself, (again because of the improv often deciding these things after the fact.) Larry and Order are in the same tournament in cpuk14, and Larry's like I Do Not FUCKING See It because we dont learn his transformation is her fault until gaiden 2, which also has j0hn and larry in the same episode with no acknowledgement of a connection between them and their relationship is confirmed in cpuk17 to be 1) 2 years old and 2) the subject of some local rumor/gossip but never previously made public. At the same time, he can't RESIST the bullshit, the performance, the spectacle, the fun of it all. after being the guy who made headlines just to make headlines and ending up a dehumanized human experiment guinea pig, the guy wanted a little privacy to just be respected as himself in peace, even if he loves the show too much to stay away. he's trying to keep his personal life and the show separate, only allowing them to interact on his terms, but his personal life and feelings can't always be kept out of the show. In a way, one can read his shapeshifting and its functionality (controllable but only sort of, and a default self that can definitely be him but also is a malleable molten dripping goop at the same time, forms typically thrown at him like prompts) as part of a metaphor for the improv style of performance the show is based on- its... controlled but it isnt, theres a part of it thats driven by adapting to what you're given, playing your part whatever it might be, but theres a part of it that just comes from the gut, from who you are, and if youre doing it right somewhere amid the hashing of those things to achieve what you're going for you might find something real made of both. And larry can find himself a little lost in both sometimes. Larry's implied to sometimes dissociate and get a little lost in it when he takes a form (see: full rat mode moment), and similarly Larry gets REAL carried away with a bit sometimes, until something knocks some sense into him.

Forged from circumstances, Home MD is a facet of himself like the others, created like diamond by a steady, weight-of-the-world pressure, and Larry hatches from seven long years in the superheated chrysalis of this persona into his most modern self. It was, to continue a metaphor, a part he played so long and so well he came to embody it and it became a part of him. Home MD is all-business, the part of larry that responsibility and obligation summons to the forefront. Grim and straight-laced and patient. Uptight, even. Becoming Home, taking on the responsibility of what has already been set in stone by the loop, was the only way to stop the Doctor, a stain on the profession her title typically implies, without irreparably altering the course of history, possibly for the worse. Home is a doctor, and he's good at what he does, and what he does is what needs to be done, no matter how ugly and unfortunate it might be, even to great personal suffering, death and injury, a thing which... embarrasses him a little, given he once liked to think himself practically invincible, and now is coming to understand that while he can endure just about anything as long as theres a glimmer of light, a punchline, on the other side, it's not gonna be... a clean ordeal. Home MD must stare death and failure and illness and tragic inevitability in the face every day. There is no option to be naive or to look away. That is the nature of his profession. He witnesses himself changed in third person, and witnessed similar change for everyone else. But he's also compassionate, relentlessly so- never succumbing to thoughtlessness about the pain inherent of the grim task set before him, resilient both physically and psychologically. He was made to play a direct bystander as history unfolds, unable to change it's forward march without risking everything falling apart, but he learned to take pride in what he can do for people. Being a good doctor is about caring for others, after all, and he can do his damnedest to be there for everyone, even if his ability to change their fates for the better is... limited, for now.

This compassion is not a newly formed trait of Larry's- he's been known to reach out to people in kindness even before the Home years, Hamhel after his whole demon stunt and Google (mentioned offhandedly in G2, that he spoke with Google offscreen following his defection from Order) come to mind for examples outside his beloved boyfriend- but becoming a care professional turned this self-effacing empathy for others into a second nature, a duty, a willingness to endure anything to help someone. Even the Doctor got an opportunity to apologize, even if Larry was ultimately relieved she didn't take it and he could continue hating her to death and send her to her bitter ironic fate without ever having to consider a world where she chose to be better. (Until susan showed up, at least. We never did get to see his first reaction to her arrival when they thought she was her her, only weeks later, glaring and weary. i can't imagine it was pretty.) The only person he doesnt seem to extend that kind of compassion and understanding to much is himself, Home not really taking all that kindly to Larry until he's 'in on the joke,' so to speak and, after the loops completion, failing to realize (or refusing to acknowledge,) choosing not to seek therapy to give therapuppy a break from her overwork is silly when they're in the same boat of 150+ revolving patients with little professional backup and he hardly expects similar from her. He's happy to be someone others can rely on and not worry about, regardless of whether they like him, and it's... embarrassing for him, to admit when he cannot bear a weight by himself, as grateful as he is for support where he can get it he will not ask for it, beyond perhaps a snarky remark. "Damn, Grunk... how about a 'thank you,' maybe?" "Hey, man, it's alright, I get it. Gotta keep the tough guy look up. Either way, it was my pleasure to bring ya back."

And then there's the truth of their reality. During the loop, Home becomes aware of the nature of their world. A fiction, crafted into existence. improvised into being, becoming intimately aware of the functional implications of this. The world, the story, lives and breathes. It remembers and forgets itself as it pleases. colored dots and schrodingers cat. Many things in the past remain undetermined, only becoming fully true as it is spoken credibly into truth in the Script. Larry's intimate awareness of these 'obscure theories' as he frames them which we understand as just part of the nature of the telling of the story is something which I think informs his worldview and decisions considerably, while he doesn't tell anyone what he knows without these kinds of obfuscations to spare them the dread. I think the sephiroth incident may have been an attempt to determine what the narrative tone of the world would be going forward. not determine in the sense of trying to choose, although i think he did have a preferred outcome, but in trying to find out. Observing a schrodingers cat. Will cpu kerfuffle return to lighthearted low consequence fun, or continue to be a dramatic and consequential affair, even following the end of the story arc he'd brought to a close? The Grunk, a murder victim resurrected, had killed two people just for the bit recently, and either sephiroth's funny resurrection would have consequences because of his inherent dramatic weight, or it wouldn't, because we've become a full comedy again that can freely mock its own flirtation with weight. Larry really wishes that bloody note had been from the tootsie pop owl, but he'll take on the consequences of his little experiment without complaint. This is a dramedy and it will remain one. He recognized the possibility of this outcome. Observing schrodinger's cat does often end with a dead cat. Larry used to be shyer/more private about his relationship, but after years apart and knowing the world may forget or reinterpret that which doesnt remain firmly established, theres a part of me that wonders if the increased amount of public romantic gestures despite j0hn's mild embarrassment with them might be influenced by a degree of insecurity that the world may reinterpret their relationship because of their time apart and damage it somehow, or if he believes that by refusing to acknowledge his trauma as being as serious as it was, he can make it go away by convincing the world to think of it like a joke hes gotten over. Larry likes being the funny guy that isnt taken too seriously, despite the weight of his achievements, his burdens and his mistakes. 'Laughter is the best medicine' patch adams sad clown type bitch

Larry conducts himself nowadays knowing full well the potential for his chosen actions to go terribly, looking that potential for messy consequences dead in the eyes, but knowing as well that a lot of times, a good idea was a bad idea that worked out in the end. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Home MD was the most batshit looney tunes painful idea he'd ever gone through with, and its transformed his life and others' for the better, ultimately, despite everything. That's life, baby! Love and support eachother, dare to be stupid and earnest and take risks, take the good with the bad, everyone contains multitudes and You are the unique and multifaceted and even sometimes contradictory self you compose from these many parts, we are mask and wearer, every me is me every you is you, We Never Stop Becoming!!!!!!!!

A core thing i do think larry after everything does still need to learn is a little self-compassion, not just in accepting that regardless of whether or not he can shoulder everything and anything thrown at him as the resilient fucker he is on his own, he shouldn't necessarily have to, (a sort of tardigrade's dilemma- if you know you're uniquely capable of surviving in nightmarish extremes, how obligated are you to do that in the place of others who might not be able to survive as well, if you'll still be suffering all the same?) even if it was self-inflicted by the consequences of his own decisions. After all, it'd be cruel to deny a sick patient treatment just because their habits caused their illness. but... well. being in your twenties is about forgiving all the dumb shit you did while you were growing, the same way being in your thirties and forties is, from what i understand, lol. maybe he needs to forgive his past self's naivety a little too.

[imsocialshit]

The Ichinose Family's deadly sins chapters 28-30

I know that they've been out for a while but the site I use only got them literally today.

I'm very much so reeling. Just three chapters that are hitting, which isn't surprising considering how much I like the whole story.

Anywayz I've got thoughts on Sota and his role in the story. He closely follows the idea of a guardian angel, but I'm not sure he's dead. I understand why it'd seem that way, because of the guardian angel theme and the fact literally no one in the family wants to talk about him. I just kinda don't want him to be dead, for no other reason then wanting him to achieve his dreams.

In terms of like his current role it feels like he's meant to be Everything Good in the family, and after he leaves the family kinda falls apart. I just think the emphasis on how much he does for the family is meant to show that. And now in the current plot, Tsubasa is getting pushed into this same role.

I'm super excited to see about Shiori though, her being not only aware but actively researching the dream after Tsubasa brings up the guy (who's name I have forgotten entirely) she was "dating". I'm especially interested in that because of her saying she never told Tsubasa about that.

My current theory of how he knew is that he (for whatever reason) read through some of his messages with Shiori. Without full knowledge the situation gets twisted into "My sister spends all her time talking to a strange adult man." I say this because the dream seems to be a large exaggeration of the real world where Tsubasa can actually fulfill his brothers role.

In the dream, Sota only comes back once their dad leaves, which feels super important. Especially considering that he directly replaces him. He seems o be the most invested in Tsubasa too. Wanting to skip the conference with Grandpa to go to Tsubasa's soccer game, taking him to the movies, walking him home from soccer. I imagine that the dream is a reflection of how Sota became a father figure to Tsubasa while their dad was more busy.

I suspect that the dream is some unexplainable supernatural experience, both real and not real. It's a safe place where Tsubasa can fix his family and Sota can still be there while pursuing his dreams. It's also a reflection of reality and how Tsubasa feels about his life. I think it's interesting for Sota to be the most aware of the dream and it's rules. I'd suspect that unlike the others, Sota was More aware of the dream from the "start", maybe even influencing it himself.

Sota's influence is based on the two ways the Yuuki situation play out. In Tsubsa's ideal world, he gets revenge and then the two make up. Interestingly enough, he doesn't seem to really care about how anyone else treats him as none of them are named or important enough to also be redeemed. But once Sota enters the loop, Yuuki continues to be bullied and Sota informs the school.

I feel like this shows a difference in perspective, and on what Tsubasa and Sota would consider an "ideal" ending to the situation. Tsubasa wants to get his best friend back, and Sota wants Yuuki to be properly punished for bullying Tsubasa.

But I feel like Yuuki being effectively removed from that loop is part of it as well. Yuuki was actually helpful in figuring out what was going on with Shiori (side note, but I guess his partial enthusiasm for it was based on him and Tsubasa seeing Charlies Angels together), so it's possible Sota was trying to prevent Tsubasa from learning more. Which seems to be his overall goal in the dreams.

If I were to give an actual explanation to the dreams, I think it has to do more with Sota than Tsubasa (only barely). He seems to play a role in keeping the dream going, trying to keep everyone unaware. He has a particular interest in making sure Tsubasa doesn't become aware.

Overall, still loving the chapters and I'm excited for information on Sachiko and whatever she's doing.