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#I will definitely not be able to do the whole month
pinkyqil · 2 days
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can you write something for lia walti x leah williamson x reader?
Yours truly
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lia x leah x r
Summary : you surprise your girlfriends at there game after being on tour for months inspired by this
Author's note : thank you so much to the both anons who sent me this fic idea especially to the other anon who helped me figure out what to do with it I hope you all enjoy the fic and it reaches your expectations 💗.
© PINKYQIL
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Your girlfriends were footballers while you were artist who always found herself in the studio or on tour.
A lot of people tell you it won't work out because of your distances and work load and all but you guys do make it work which was all that mattered.
You had recently got off tour after the making of your third full album and a world tour.
you had told your manager that you would be staying in London for the mean time before needing to get back in the studio after your hiatus.
Your girlfriends don't know about it any of your plans yet as you wanted to surprise them.
Arriving at your shared penthouse which often wasn't used as you weren't always there but things are about to change.
You had texted Beth to let her know about your plans as she was really close to leah and that's how you connected.You needed someone to show you around this familiar city even though you've came to london for tour you never really had the chance to explore it.
So Beth had offered to show your around before their home game against chelsea today. you we're having a lot of fun with Beth as she explained the rivalry between arsenal and Chelsea too you.
It wasn't that you didn't have that much of a football knowledge in fact you did having to grown up in a household full of man and women obsessed.
with the game and took it all seriously especially growing up with brother's who played too.You just weren't fawn of it but for your girls everything mattered.
Beth had drop you back home so that you could change into something more comfortable for the match you decided on one of Leah's sweater that you found and a black pair of high waisted pants that belong to lia.
Arriving at the emirates stadium you first bought yourself an arsenal scaf so you wouldn't get recognized by both leah and lia in the family and friends section and enjoy the game from nosy fans.
Lia and Leah knew something was up with you when you three were on call you kept rushing the call and looking super stressed about something which they planned to call you again after today's game to find out what was happening with you.
Least to say you where able to surprise your girls after they won a 3-1 to chelsea. Once the bell whistle rang Beth immediately came your way helping cross over to get out of the friends and family section. It had the whole team confused plus her girlfriend and yours.
to say the confusion left there faces as soon as they saw you walking towards the pitch.
Leah had grabbed lia's hands so that they could run towards you. saying that you got tacked by your lovers with hugs would be an understatement.
"I can't believe that your here". Lia said helping you get up.
"Well surprise". You told them both
"That why you we're acting all weird on the phone the other day". leah told you.
"No I wasn't".
"Baby you definitely where". she said
"Whatever". you rolled your eyes at her
"Oh come on you guys". beth intervened
"Yeah you two". Lia added in before you all busted out laughing. You honestly missed the dynamic between the three of you and it was obvious they did to.
Yourusername&2other
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all day everyday day with my girls 💏 liked by bethmead katie_mccabeand and 988,506
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dronebiscuitbat · 2 days
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Oil is Thicker Then Blood (Part 21)
When they landed they didn't bother going back to the party, they would explain things to Thad later. Right now they were going to pick up Tera from the nursery, nervously hand in hand as one or both of them occasionally let out light laughs at the utter high they were both on.
If Uzi was an outsider looking at them, she would have been disgusted, they both were looking at each other with half-lidded expressions, giggling like naughty children, and look like at any moment they'd be kissing again.
But she wasn't, now she was an insider, and honestly? She couldn't give less of a fuck what people thought of them, they could all bite her.
Mrs. Rayn didn't greet them, but she may have been sleeping in the back, so they quietly went into the side room, where the pillbabies were kept and found her in a little bundle, sleeping peacefully and curled into a blanket.
They both looked at each other before gently picking her up to not wake her, and made their way out of the nursery, N leaving a note to let Rayn know they'd come to pick her up.
Tera was tucked in her arms as they both made there way back to N's apartment, but N's hand only went down to hold her waist as they walked, not ready to let go of her yet.
It was late enough that most drones were asleep, but Uzi had the distinct feeling neither her nor N would sleep for several more hours, they had a lot to talk about.
Namely, what they were calling this.
And then they got inside, shut the door, and almost immediately N was wisking her off her feet, picking her and Tera up bridal style and wasting exactly zero time taking the both of them to the bed, he hadn't said anything either, being almost dead silent.
“N?” She whispered, still trying her best not to wake the baby even though there were plenty of examples that proved the girl could sleep through an earthquake.
He was too busy taking his tie and jacket off to reply apparently, leaving him only in his slacks and an off-white dress shirt that had been underneath the suit. Uzi felt her face-no, whole body heat up in flush. Surely he wasn't thinking…
“N.” She said a little more firmly, placing Tera on a pillow as she fidgeted her hands, blush growing as he unbuttoned the top of his dress shirt, before pausing and sighing to himself.
“Oh. Yeah? Sorry, the layers were starting to make me overheat.” He turned back to her curiously, before looking confused at her extreme blush.
“Uh- Wh-whats that look for?”
Uzi held her head as she quickly tried to terminate any thought processes that were leading down a less then innocent path, this was N, not just some dude. Of course he wouldn't…
“You carried me to the bedroom.” She said slowly, trying to imply but not outright saying anything, N just looked more confused.
“Yeah?”
“And started to strip.”
He looked at her for a moment, squinting, before it seemed his processors suddenly caught up with exactly what she said, he looked down, top unbuttoned just enough so that his core could breathe, before they were sharing their fluster.
“Oh! I-I didn't- I wasn't trying to… uh… come on to you? Or anything, I just- I wasn't thinking.” He stammered, tail flailing wildly behind him and hands up in defense, if he was struggling with overheating before, he definitely was now.
It was weird. He'd been naked in front of Uzi before and had thought nothing of it. There was nothing to see, not really. But somehow now after what had just happened, he felt himself feeling… exposed.
Uzi laughed lightly through her own embarrassment, being able to embarrass N like this, in such a unique way, had her almost giddy to do it more.
“I mean yeah, it took you like a month to kiss me. Guess you can't be that smooth.” She teased, turning her face away but continuing to look at him from the corner of her eye, his flush grew worse, and he opened his mouth to say something, but it seemed all his mouth could do was open and close uselessly.
“I… I can be smooth!” His voice cracked, and he grumbled at himself, causing Uzi to laugh again before kicking off her boots and near yeeting her spiked bracelet across the room, turning on the light next to the bed so that she wasn't relying entirely on the light given off by N's visor and tail.
“I'm screwing with you, I know you can be.” She replied, humming before checking on Tera, who was still fast asleep. She smiled down at the pillbaby, lightly petting the soft casing, and Tera let out a pleased trill.
She felt a weight join her on the bed in close proximity, and she looked back over to her uh… best freind? boyfriend?… best boy, and gave him a once over, he still had a pleased smile on his face, but had fallen silent again, it was uncharacteristic of him really, to have so little to say.
“Are you good N?” She asked, putting a hand on his leg to give him some sort of comforting touch, it was still strange, being the one doing the comforting, but with N, she didn't hesitate.
“Yes. Yeah! I'm… I'm so good.” He replied almost breathlessly. Although the contact brought heat to his face again. He really needed oil, and soon, or he was sure he'd start steaming from all that had happened.
“I just am a little uh… starstruck? I guess? and a lot happy, and just everything?” He admitted, sheepishly scratching the back of his head, Uzi idly wondered where he'd picked that up from, as Thad did the same thing at times.
But she did get that, she also felt a little… overwhelmed. It was part of the reason they'd left, suddenly a whole bunch of loud young adults and inevitable drunken brawls didn't sound so… appealing.
“Same.”
“So… are we…?” He left out the last word, but pointed between himself and her rapidly, causing her to laugh and yet still look away, now a habit to hide her fluster even if now she didn't need to.
“Uhm… if-ah if you want… to… be…” She stole a glance at him, but immediately turned away once she saw the smile on his face. “With me.” She finished, gulping as lead settled down in her internals.
He laughed before pulling her into a hug, kissing her cheek before sighing, pressing their visors together with a tap. And a zap, as another streak of electricity passed between them.
“Of course I do.” He smiled although she was barely able to see it with how close he was, she found herself smiling as well, brought in by how sincere he sounded.
“T-then yeah. We c-can do that.” Somehow this was more nerve-racking then the several kisses they'd shared while airborne, maybe they were still aided by the oil that had long worn off by now, or maybe they'd been too caught up in the moment to think about it.
“Zizi?” Tera's sleepy voice came staticy and low from her voice box, a single purple eyelight open and looking groggy from the pillow. Uzi was immediately called to attention (and definitely not because what was left of her soft core turned to mush, no) and moved to cradle her in her arms again.
“Sorry, we didn't mean to wake you Jellybean.” the nickname slipped off her tongue and she heard N let out an airy breath in amusement, but didn't say anything, just rested his head on his shoulder and purred like a motorboat.
“She's a little warm again.” She hummed as she felt the warmth radiating from the droneling, whitch was probably the real thing that had woken her up, as she didn't seem to mind noise very much.
“Can you-mmh!” She turned to where he was resting on her shoulder and met his lips, him holding her there for a moment, as her eyes fluttered shut.
He pulled away with a chuckle, love on full display in his eyes, she didn't know how'd he'd hidden it nearly as well as he had if this was the way he was looking at her now, like she was… a deity.
“Told you I could be smooth.” He laughed at her fluster before getting up to go get a bottle, but his tail betrayed him, wagging at ludicrous speeds, even as she watched him actively try to grab it to make it stop.
She found herself giggling fondly, like she had been since they'd left the party. But being able to hear it in the absence of anything else in the room, made her realize how… not like her it sounded.
It was her. But she couldn't even remember the last time she laughed like it, or even if she ever had, she almost didn't recognize it. She felt herself blush, N had really brought this out of her… hadn't he?
He came back into the room a moment later with a grin, taking a swig out of the giant container of oil Uzi had made him put of one hand and having a tiny bottle in the other, he sat it down beside him as he sat back down and handed her the bottle
She sighed, almost a little wary of putting the siphon into her, her side had started to ache after so many things had been prodded into it, as well as the weight of Tera’s casing hanging off her and her rolling and pulling putting pressure on her frame.
“You're hesitating. Is it starting to hurt that much?” N asked softly,
“Y-yeah, but it's not like I have a lot of choice. She's going to need filtered oil until she has a filter of her own… and that's going to be awhile.”
“You said she needs a toddler body anyway, do they have filters?”
“Nah, it's still a little too small, next one would be a child body, I think kids normally get that at… 6? That's kinda where my experience ends to be honest.” She admitted, before taking a breath. She pulled up her dress slightly, enough to open the panel on her side and guided the siphon in, a full body wince as the sensors there lit up angerly. Although they felt less like sensors and more like… nerves. Huh
She gritted her teeth, the sensation only getting worse as she filled the bottle, thank robo-god this only took a minute or so.
When it was blessedly over, she took the siphon out and was able to breathe again, the stinging needles in her side turning into a dull ache once again that would just fade by the time Tera would need it again.
“Thank you.” N said slowly, almost as if he was hesitating, he pressed his cheek against her own, his hand running over where her side panel was gently before he pulled his hand away, clearly not wanting to linger.
“Huh?” She blushed as she fed Tera her needed meal, the pillbaby closing her eyes and relaxing as she always did.
“Tera can't say it, so I will. Thank you for giving her oil even though it hurts.” She felt herself smiling, the pain already receding slightly, he was still warm and weirdly enough that was somewhat soothing the pain.
“It's… fine really. Someone has to.” Tera finished, giggling softly but still obviously sleepy, blinking slowly.
“But that didn't have to be you. You're really good with her, I think I've said that like twice now- but I still mean it.” He replied, clearly not letting the his gratitude get waved off.
“She's my daughter… but I. I-uhm” He suddenly stopped, like the words got trapped in his throat as he found the courage to say them.
“I think she's yours too?” He finished quietly, almost wary of what she might say, and she felt that feeling again, the fizziling of her gut that wanted two different things, to have him be right, to call Tera her daughter, hers and his, and to not be involved at all.
But really what was the reason she wanted to distance herself? Her reputation? Scared of being seen as soft and squishy and weak? She was none of those things, she knew she was none of those things. She'd done so much over the past four months that was so insanely crazy. So what was stopping her?
Or was it the fact she was scared that if Tera was hers, that it would somehow harm her? Would people make fun of her for being Uzi’s daughter, labeling her as a freak and a weirdo and a lost cause just because her name was attached?
Or would it bring harm in a more physical way? Her solver was a powerful tool, but she didn't have full control of it at all times, she could snap, go feral and hurt her, or worse.
“I-I” It was her turn for her words to get clogged, feeling like molten lava coming straight from her core, she didn't expect the tears, and she didn't know where they came from or even why. But they did come.
“I want her to be.” She finally finished, the words coming out more watery then she'd expected them to be.
She felt N pull her into a hug that enveloped both her and the now sleeping child cradled in her arms, his face nuzzling her hair as she continued to let tears fall down her visor, they weren't accompanied by sobs, nor did she truly feel sad. But she couldn't stop, she was worried and stressed but hopeful, so hopeful. And she really, really wanted that hope to mean something this time, and not come blasting back in her face. As it had time and time again.
“I've got you.” She heard N say gently, and if anything that made them fall more rapidly, she nuzzled into his neck, letting those feelings that had been building up wash over her like a wave and what followed was… relief.
“Sorry, I'm not sure where that came from…you were trying to make me smile not cry.” She mumbled after gathering herself for a moment, he just chuckled.
“It's alright, maybe that was a little much after today…”
Uzi found the short cable she was using to charge Tera on the nightstand, leaning back to grab at it and quickly hook them together, she sighed as N still refused to let go even as he had to shift to accommodate the movement.
“I think it would be too much for anything right now.” She replied, feeling sleep mode tugging on every fiber of her synthetic being.
“Bedtime?” N asked, before yawning and making himself laugh tiredly.
“Bedtime.” She replied, a yawn of her own taking her down onto the bed as they lie next to each other, she felt his tail curl around her protectively, and smiled as his arm came to pull both herself and Tera closer, essentially trapping the droneling between them in a snug hug.
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shysuccubusstuff · 18 hours
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bodyguard! calcharo pt. 2
Content: Non-proof reader; consensual, overstimulation, foreplay, brat taming, face sitting, aftercare; female reader (i'm sorry cause I still miss at writing any other reader ;;;).
Note: I've been busy with exams but I'll try to upload some more!!
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It had been a few months since that incident, and despite you had been acting like a little cat around him during the first months, it took him just a few pretty words and some presents for you to go back to your old ways. You had stopped with the dumb pranks, instead, you decided to do just a few provocations, always touching him under the table even when there was people around you, always raising your skirt just enough for him to catch a slight glimpse of your underwear, his face straight all these times. But you noticed it, his eyebrows twitching a bit, he was clenching his teeth while you kept rubbing your hand against his groin, eyes fixed on your naughty expression, looking as if you had won anything from it.
So he made the decision, not react until you got tired, after all, he could perfectly handle some sloppy attempt of a girl without much experience.
Or so be thought, cause as time went, your "pranks" were getting out of hand, rubbing yourself against him with the excuse of the streets being crowded, playing with his nerves by moving too fast without thinking, always too close to expose your underwear to a random person. But his last straw was when you decided to go to the city without anything under your clothes. He hadn't notice until you decided to play your dumb pranks, lifting your flimsy dress just enough for him to see it. It took him less than a few seconds to lift you, his cloak covering your whole body while he rushed back to your hotel. As soon as both of you arrived to the bedroom, the door closed shut, Calcharo's hands letting you sit on the bed.
"Did you have fun? Riling me up in public with your dumb face, looking all pretty as you walked around without some damn underwear. Bet you did all of this for me to get mad and punish you, uh? I guess brats never learn unless you get it into their head right." As soon as he said that, he sat on the bed, putting you on his lap and starting to caress your cheek, his gloved hand feeling a bit too cold to the touch. You tried to squirm away, once again doing everything in your power to push him just a bit more. Of course, your little trick didn't go unnoticed, as his hand quickly gave you a strike, making your skin a bit red and sending shivers through your whole body and making your body jerk a bit.
"Oh, you definitely felt that, uh?" His mocking tone made you feel as if your face was boiling.
"You talk so high as if you were anything more than my dog..." ...Of course you couldn't just keep it to yourself. The vein on Calcharo's neck became a bit remarked, his face showing a crooked smile, if you really wanted him to be mean with you, you had just gotten what you wanted. He took one of his gloves with his mouth, leaving it at his side. He sucked on two of his fingers for a few seconds, making sure they were wet before starting to move them towards your folds, the warm feeling almost making you whine. Despite that, you refused to give up, biting your lip and covering your mouth with your hands, trying to keep as quiet as possible despite feeling one of his fingers slipping in and out of you, leaving just the tip of his finger before taking it out, repeating this process while his other hand kept playing with your nipples, sometimes pinching them, other times simply letting the rough leather of his gloves rub against them.
He kept doing this until you were about to scream at him, your patience running low as your brain started to get foggy, being only able to think about the bulge that you had been feeling under you for several minutes. "You talk so high but you can't even keep it under your control." Once again, you and your big mouth. This time Calcharo didn't answer anything, simply changing your position, letting you on top of his face, his arms hugging your legs so you couldn't run anyway as his tongue started to lick at your leaking cunt. His nose made friction with your sensitive clit, almost making you cry the moment he started to lick at it while his strong arms kept you at your place. No matter how much you tried to squirm or how hard you tried to move your arms as to get him to move a bit away he didn't even flinch a bit, not even when you tried to stop him by attempting to close your thighs against his face.
Needless to say he didn't stop even when your tears were falling down your cheeks, letting you cum for the seventh time, soaking his face with your fluids, your legs tembling as you felt as if your sorry cunt had been overstimulated for over one hour. Despite that, Calcharo's grip didn't lose a bit, your mouth was unable to close, too busy pleading him and moaning, pleading him to let you go, that you were so so sorry for saying such a dumb thing. Suddenly, his arms lifted you a bit, just enough for him to show his snarky smirk under your body.
"I bet this will keep you at your place for some time, right brat?" You were only able to nod, your brain being far too overstimulated to even form a single thought that didn't include some kind of plea. His rough hands got you down, letting you lay on top of him as your legs kept tembling. He kissed your pretty lips, letting them all glossy because of his saliva. Calcharo hugged your smaller frame, caressing your soft hair as he smiled, looking at your gorgeous face all messed up by him.
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flickeringflame216 · 10 days
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also lest I do naught but grumble, blessings roll call! share blessings or news or prayer requests in the tags :)
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amiscreations · 5 months
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Any Black Veil Brides fans here? I saw them a few weeks ago at Wembley Arena and it was one of the greatest concerts everrrr! So naturally I’m becoming obsessed and every obsession starts with me doing a painting😂 so here’s one of Andy!✨
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numetalkids · 10 days
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*inhales*.....................DEEP SIGH
#i'm exhausted#i have a job interview this week which i should be grateful for but i'm still so unsure about what i want in life#and i'm so scared of making wrong choices like i'm terrified#and the company seems kind of conservative in its structures and culture i mean apparently there are low hierarchies but#they make their whole deal about 'family' and then there are almost only men working there which is like ughhh like the ratio is ridiculous#and the thing is i found another job offer at my local library and i would just so love to work there!!!! i will definitely apply this week#i'm just scared that i'll do well enough during the interview that they will actually want ti hire me and then i can't say no#bc i didn't even expect them to reach out to me in the first place so i guess my application was better than i thought#so now im'm debating whether i should take the chance or sabotage the interview so that i get to try really hard for#the application for the library job instead#i sound ridiculous being upset that an employer is showing interest in me like what a privilege to be able to turn that down#at the same time. like thankfully there is financial support from the government so i'm safe in that regard atm but it's really not much#and i also don't want to be in this state of unemployment for too long#and yet...i want to just spend my days doing something worthwhile? maybe i should just be grateful that i have the privilege to choose betw#different jobs and try to take advantage of that fact and opt for the offers that speak to me rather than cry about it#god i'm so stressed this is my first time in life where i can't rest assured that the upcoming years will follow the same routine#like how it was when i entered uni like i just knew 'alright i'll be studying for at least 5 years and then we'll see' and now#it's like i don't know what i'll be doing next month or in half a year or next year or in five years#the uncertainty. killing me. that's how i know i grew up way too protected cause i break under the slightest inconvenience god#alright crying rant over from now on i'll be growing up for real 👍#personal
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thethingything · 26 days
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our current dilema is that the pain from our wisdom tooth keeps getting so bad we have to take pain meds (like it keeps hitting an 8/10 for several hours at a time. we can't not take pain meds) but the only pain meds that touch it have a warning on them saying not to take them for more than 3 days in a row, and we have at least another month of dealing with this, so I don't really know what to do.
the warning is because they're opioids and can cause addiction but I don't actually know how bad the risk is because everything seems to treat it like opioids are the worst thing ever and should be avoided at all costs and you'll get addicted if you so much as glance at them.
either way, my options are to either keep taking them and just accept that risk, or deal with being in so much pain I can't function. even with taking the pain meds I can tell we're a lot more irritable and short tempered and probably just insufferable to be around honestly and I hate the fact that pain causes this, but once again we've got to deal with this for over a month and we've also got to deal with the anxiety over what the treatment for it is going to actually involve.
I've had to deal with medical trauma stuff I didn't even know about until like yesterday when Lucy suggested it might be part of why I feel so shit, and I've had multiple panic attacks per day and constantly feel way more anxious than usual and I get the feeling we're just gonnaa have to put up with this for the next month and I don't know how the fuck I'm meant to cope with any of this
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#posts made on pain meds#there is absolutely nothing that gets rid of what essentially amounts to a constant sense of impending doom#like our brain has just fully decided we're fucked and going to die or some shit and now I have to deal with the anxiet from it doing that#and like I know logically we're gonna be fine and this is ridiculous#but I know we sometimes get a delusion where our brain just decides we're gonna die on a specific day or whatever#and I think that's flared up and combined with the severe medical anxiety#and since knowing a delusion isn't real doesn't do shit to stop you feeling like it's real#no amount of logic seems to be able to make our brain not freak out over this and make me have panic attacks because of it#we already had that delusion kind of going on in the background because something about this time of year seems to trigger it#and I guess having something planned that's incredibly triggering and causing that feeling a dread#probably just made our brain combine the two things#we also are definitely experiencing stress-induced psychosis just in general because I've been hallucinating so fucking much#actually I wonder if the fact that I've had to take pain meds so much might also be messing with our psychosis#I would like to maybe not have to deal with any of this#we were looking forward to just getting that one tooth removed and then resting and recovering and not having anything planned for a while#and instead we've got at least a month of dealing with this shit and I'm fucking exhausted#this year has basically just been me dealing with one unbelievably triggering thing after another because I have no other choice#like I keep being thrown into situations that involve triggers that I can't even think about without having panic attacks#there's a whole bunch of shit going on in our personal life and stuff just keeps piling up and we don't get a break from any of it
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wildpokemon · 5 months
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omg i finally got platinum in returnal wtf am i supposed to do now, doing two runs a day has been part of my routine since like june..
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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...
#it is truly so wild to go from feeling miserable and hopeless all the time for... lets look at my excel sheet#the last 23 days. then to suddenly rocket up to smiling to myself all day. the world is so fucking beautiful#for no rational reason aside from what i have to assume is a chemical shift in my body#like is this what happy ppl feel like all the time? its truely so crazy. have i always been like this?#did i not notice this was a thing? like ive definitely noticed it in the last year but like ???#my suspicion is that it doesnt actually last long enough to b considered hypomania but like idk i should see a doctor probably lol#u would think being happy would make it easier to do things but i just keep forgetting to do them and just like spacing out lol bc rn i#feel chill. even tho i need to make a list of the shit i gotta do by Friday. bleh. but idk it makes being in thr lab so much nicer bc i#mean. i still dont give a fuck abt what im doing but im like fuck it this isnt gonna b my problem in like 2-3 months. even tho im sure ill#still have to write up everything. but idk. it also makes it easier to b like. ok so i kno what my problems r lets plan yo make things not#so horrible so u dont just live a miserable life and then like die having lived a life of fear. like its so crazy how much easier thst is#to do rn??? well see how long it lasts but yea v strange. wish i could control my fucking focus tho. like that would b great#its like the fucking painting of hypnose. my focus is like a lighthouse wildly swinging its light around until it sometimes blasts me in#the face. like not helpful. i need to b able to do things.#i guess the weird thing rn is thst while i feel happy. i also have this like simmering fear of irrational things. like when i used to live#in my parents basement and i was terrified of the dark rooms down there at night. like that kind of childish baseless fear#but like im in i tiny tiny apartment lol like bro what r u scared of??? silly silly silly#idk hopefully it holds out the whole rest of the week and then i can travel and see my parents like !!! yo !!! happy vibes :-D#that would b kinda unhinged lmao. i doubt itll last thst long. its already slipped from this morning so we shall see#unrelated
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alphalesbian · 6 months
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Acting on "If you want me make it clear" has both lead me to the loneliest and most resilient spots in my life and in mostly the span of a good two years working that boundary into place
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ub-sessed · 1 year
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I am writing a little essay to post on Facebook about what I'm going through, workwise. This is a very rough first draft. I'm gonna post it here and let it sit for a day before I come back and clean it up.
(À mes followers francophones : Si vous voyez des erreurs dans mon texte, n'hésitez pas à m'avertir!)
Tourner la page
[English follows below.]
J'aimerais d'abord remercier tous mes collègues du plateau pour les presque dix ans de compagnie amicale et inspirant. C'est vous qui faites le movie magic, et vous le savez: Il n'y a rien qui est plus magique que d'assister à une équipe de feu dans le jus créer un nouveau monde au complet avec que leurs mains, leur imagination et leur collaboration. Personne d'autre ne peut comprendre c'est quoi travailler ensemble avec les gens comme vous-autres qui ont chacun leur propre super-pouvoir. Mes heures sur le plateau étaient les meilleurs de ma vie.
Là pour raison de santé ma vie est en plein transition.
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I am intensely proud of the work I did as a script supervisor, especially of the sustained exertion it took to get that good at something that demanding, and in my second language! I feel lucky that I found my calling, that for almost a decade I got to do a job where I knew that once I got to set, all my other worries would disappear. When I was on set I was in my element, I was laser focused. I was my favourite me. I am grieving the loss of a career that I loved so much and that I worked so hard to build. (So hard. You have no idea how hard. How much effort I put into making it look easy.)
But now that I have finally acknowledged that I won't be able to go back to it, I find that I am enormously relieved. The fact is that in order to do what I did on set, I had to push myself to the very limit of my capacity when I was off set. Well beyond anything sustainable.
What a relief it is now to no longer be straining to be exceptionally good at something exceptionally difficult.
I have spent my whole life pushing myself outside of my comfort zone because that's the only way to really excel. But looking back I realize that the expectations I have set for myself have been absurd. That I have always pursued careers that were well beyond my physical capabilities, or that demanded inhumane hours, or required a level of self-discipline and self-motivation that were completely inappropriate to my temperament.
Script supervising was the closest I ever came to finding the perfect career for me, but even before I got sick, it was clear to me that the only way it would be sustainable was if I could always insist on having an assistant to do the paperwork. Very few script supervisors in the industry can demand that.
My whole life I have been told that I should be more ambitious, that something-or-other should be easy for me because I'm so smart, that if I just had the right attitude I could do things that I actually find nearly impossible. And my whole life I've felt like I was drowning.
Whenever I have tried to make a realistic assessment of my abilities and accept my limitations, I have been told that I'm being "too hard on myself" and that my "negative attitude" was what was keeping me from reaching my goals. But this misguided advice just made it harder to set healthy goals in the first place. I have spent the great majority of my adult life nowhere near my comfort zone. It was exhausting and stressful. These people were right that I should have had more self-confidence: then I would have believed that I know myself better than anybody else does.
It took being completely incapacitated by illness to realize that I have spent my entire adult life feeling inadequate for not meeting the well-meaning expectations of people with only the most superficial understanding of my situation. What a relief it is to no longer be trying to "live up to my potential".
I'm just grateful that I'm young enough that I still have a chance to build myself a life that actually goes at my own pace. A life where I put myself first.
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samwisefamgee · 9 months
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also I spent all weekend watching my friends' apartments just to get into an argument the morning they got back and walk my ass home that was fun
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opia-jpg · 11 months
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#i have a light feeling that my mom might be hinting at something#with the whole. mentioning my mood swings and sensory issues and poor social skills and such#i say i'm unsure because she's not one to be subtle in situations like this? so i feel like i'm projecting#but she did suggest (partially related) going to a psychologist#and the thing about me is that i'm very self aware about my many flaws and therefore have decided#that i can't fix them or that it's not that bad as long as *i know* the issue is there#which is starting to sound like an issue in itself? but i feel like im being way too dramatic every time#i know i'm just in a stressful spot in my life and that it will pass in a few months#but i am starting to seriously consider getting an outsider's perspective. just in case#im feeling down *all* the time lately but there's always a reason to blame so i feel like it's just rotten luck and not something within me#there's not enough time but also too much of it for me to make excuses for not being able to do Anything at all and i feel paralyzed#but isn't it just the everyday terror of being in charge of yourself#i wish i could come up with a definite answer but there isn't one and the childish part of me is so frustrated with it#i have a fantasy of violently breaking my arms that doesn't lead anywhere i just feel the urge consistently enough that it's a pattern#(ive never self harmed i know i won't that's why it's just a fantasy)#i crave complete anonymity i crave deep genuine human connection and i don't want to talk to anyone. ever again.#ive talked with at least three different people partially about those thoughts#but talking about it is difficult and like pulling teeth#im clumsy with my words. can't quite find the precise meaning i want. i stutter and hum and mumble#i hate talking but if i don't i will explode#i want to be taken seriously but saying things outloud makes them sound so harsh and i don't know if it is that serious#but it's a pebble of thought that i can't stop turning around in my head over and over and over until im sick#never! ending! story! jesus christ#vent post#← tagging just in case#pretend you've never read it
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funkervogt · 2 years
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Ok has anyone with a minor tic been able to get rid of it cause this shit is getting annoyingggggg
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orcelito · 2 years
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see the problem with planning out the remainder of the fic is that i have so many thoughts and scene ideas and i have like 3 more months of game time to put them in
how am i supposed to lay all this out? i just now got another scene idea to address a current conflict & this idea didnt exist like 2 minutes ago. it’s Impossible to account for everything i’ll be doing.
#speculation nation#discacc shit#i do think i wanna build up a document tho. for like. recording these things#and roughly placing them in sections. aka planning!#something that normal writers do. which i have Not bc i uhhh idk i just havent needed to#now im just staring at the calendar and trying to place things for the next month in discacc lmao#bc i forgot about the cultural festival. the general events around it will have changed but it's still smth to account for#and it does get in the way of what i had in mind previously lol#..............................oh no#just got the idea of like. uh. having a set calendar that records definite events#which would be great for future planning BUT my brain just went like#'haha what if i went and did this for the entirety of the fic beforehand' and. :|#a uhhh project i guess for whenever my next reread is. god help my soul.#like im talking a whole big document that records every set event onto each day it happens#which i followed the calendar pretty closely so it could be recorded. it would just take a lot.#but how cool would it be to see essentially an itemized list of things that happened in discacc and when they happened#my encyclopedic knowledge of my fic is not enough. i need to be able to hold it in my hands in a Document#perhaps this is a better idea than trying to plan out set chapters of discacc bc that is never going to work lol#oh... why am i like this...#lmao me being Like This tho is what's got us this 467k words fic. so like. could be worse!#uhmm i need to work on my quiz before i can do any of this. cant be falling behind in school too much
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be-good-to-bugs · 2 months
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crying shouldnt cause headaches, thats just cruel honestly.
#the bin#i went through to figure out costs more and im most likely not gonna be abek to bring almost any of my belongings#i can probably manage to at least bring my pets. my sisters boyfriends cat cant tow and it doesnt have a lot of space in it so im not gonna#have much room for anything at all. i guess maybe its a good thing my sister wont be coming then :/#honestly. im not actually THAT upset. he seems fairly chill and respectful of my boundaries. moreso than my fuckin sister is. not that thats#hard to accomplish. if i set a boundry with her she will most likely break it repeatedly and then also refuse to apologize#im still uncomfortable with it but not much more than i was with going with her anyway. i van just keep earbuds in the whole time probably#im really upset that ill have to leave my stuff here though. with her. i hate that. and im also probably not gonna have a bed when i move#and ill be sleeping on the concrete basement floor so uh. that sucks. a lot. my aunt probably has an air mattress i casn borror for a bit#im also probably gonna see if i can convince my sister to let me take one of her beta fish and the one tank she has for it. its a small tank#so i could easily bring it. its too smalm for the poor thing but its gonna be in that if it comes with me or her so. and i wanna get it#something better. ive become pretty attached to it after taking care of it for the past 4 months. ugh the fact she just ditched me with her#fish pissed me off so much too. not to mention the snakes were supposed to be a shared pet but she just stopped dling anything ever and it#became exclusively my responsibility to care for them and pay for all their stuff. she should not have pets of any kinda#im trying blt to be really upset. i can hopefully bring my most important belongings at least. his car isnt THAT small. and then ill only#need to pay for the gas and thats it and i can definitely afford that. hhhh. ill figure it out. i hate this :/#my head hurts so bad from having a 2 hour long meltdown. im so upset over our whole relationship and everything#she just keeps doing selfish things over and over again and treating me like an idiot for not knowing things she didnt tell me#specifically treating me like im stupid for not knowing she isnt gonna be able do what she specifically told me she could#im im so mad at her for the ditching me and the repeatedly taking advantage of me specifically for money and fucking me over#wnd everything before that. our whole relationship. im seo stressed abt this. i have nobody now.#i hate her so much. im glad i can clearly see how abusive things have always been bug it doenst make it sting any less#and it doenst helo the fact she continues this behavior now too
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