#I wish I had time to render this more rn but energy is not here

[thesedrawnpens]

This might be the fastest drawing I’ve done in a while. It’s not rendered (clearly) but I had to get this idea out of my head before it disappeared. The Ineffable Wives in the 1960’s, as suggested by Neil himself.

[ladyyatexel]

I Went On A Manga Binge

So you don't have to

For those of you who have wisely avoided the shreds of it I've left around the blog thus-far, I had some weird notion to go re-experience Yu-Gi-Oh uuuuuh a week ago? We'll go with that. Time is meaningless.

I'd been able to read a good portion of the early manga at the end of highschool, and somewhere in my stacks and stacks of paper is fanart from this dark time, so you know I cared. I also still own a Dark Magician action figure somehow, so. I'd also watched a large portion of the anime with my brother because it had been laced with some kind of crack and we couldn't look away? I remember when we both were just like shit, wait, don't change the channel, I can't stop looking at it. And the next thing we knew we were waiting for new episodes and I was doing research on the Japanese original because I was that kid.

Anyway, unnecessary backstory out of the way, here are some... let's call them Observations and Consequences of having read somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 chapters (and growing) of a manga primarily hinged on card games from a spectrum of sources ranging from boringly lawful to sketchy as fuck.

Surprise actual character that develops in typical shounen fashion being Jounouchi. My limited experiences with the 4Kids dub and only early manga had not painted him in a particularly good light. I don't know if episodes were being aired out of order or if I had just missed the ones that established that he was making shit up as he was going along, but Wow I liked him a lot more going through the manga than I ever did watching the (dubbed, heavily edited and censored and thrown into a slurry machine) anime. I'd managed to come out with the impression that he was just as reasonably experienced with the game as Yugi back in the day. Wild.

I'm now reading every single comic-style post on Tumblr backwards.

Striking inverse to first point, wow, I don't like Seto Kaiba. Though he gets points for his general philosophy of the future, and the line I read in my sketchy online combo of scans and scanlations in which he said, "If God is in your way, you run him down," was Metal As Fuck. I somewhat shame-facedly admit to enjoying him a lot more as an Abridged Series character. (I watched Abridged as it came out back in the day! The experience of watching the anime with my brother had been so fresh that I got all the in jokes about the way things were edited and dubbed, it was great. Series remains influential part of my life to this day, which is hella weird.)

I almost understand how Duel Monsters works now. I don't want this.

That said, wow a lot of the decisions made in the anime made everything a lot more ridiculous than the admittedly already ridiculous original. I got the distinct feeling in the manga that the Duelist Kingdom stuff we were seeing was designed to be used and exploited in ways that don't make sense in an actual cardgame just played on a table like a normal person and this was part of testing everyone to think higher, differently. Maybe this is obvious to everyone already, I don't know. I had always liked that it was very, 'Not so fast, I'm going to blow up the moon to change the tides,' but I'm not really sure the anime gave enough explanation that this was an extra layer added to things for that event? You can see people actively getting used to it in the books, and people who aren't considering the real or 3D nature of it getting owned, but my memory of anime version is everyone just like, 'oh, shucks, fuck me, I forgot to consider the phase of the moon before i played this card, can't believe I forgot.' No one calls Yugi on any of this stuff because it's valid play in that situation. Plus Yami Yugi had mad trickster energy in the beginning and it suited him to think of ways to do things inside these little simulation boxes the way it suited him to set perverts on fire. I imagine the real card game trying to emulate this element as something that would be to its detriment, but I neither know nor particular care haha

Ryou Bakura.

Really, though. I think he became kind of casualty of 'wow, we have a lot of characters who really aren't able to do anything in this story anymore,' despite the fact that his whole inner life could have been as interesting as Yugi's. I always like thinking about the possibilities of stories in which main character falls into magical world and is given magical item and told they're the hero and then they find out they've been the bad guy the whole time. The first several volumes of manga were about the quiet weirdo kid that no one talked to who was always blacking out and turning into a fucked up version of himsef because he was so attached to his ancient Egyptian jewelry, so like, Bakura could have much the same shit going on. I want to know what's happening with him so much. He clearly doesn't love being possessed, but he's also so drawn to the ring. Despite it having stabbed him at least twice and him knowing it's a danger to him and his friends, he keeps being pulled back into it. You see so much more of him being like, 'Oooh, a creepy thing, I love that! :D' in the manga than ever in the anime, which I'm all about. Also more blood. I'm very about that as well. Though my memory of the anime also made it look very much like normal regular daily Bakura was just a weird facade in places before he ever would have been. I think that was it trying to compensate for what people didn't see from the Toei anime, but okay whatever, that I love everything about this guy is not news, I don't need to talk about Bakura excessively here, I'm pretty sure that's gonna show up on my blog by itself

On a related note though, damn, more of these people need to talk to each other. Can we have some existential crisis support clubs or something. Can we get like some apologies or something? "I respect you as a duelist." "Cool, but you literally built a tower designed to specifically assassinate me and my friends? You were supposed to get Better after I retaliated by putting you in a coma, but you kinda didn't." "Why would the coma have made it better" "I just told you it didn't" ---- "Sorry I went along with the plan of your evil parasite stabbing you, misled you, and then also jumped in and took up some real estate in your head too." "I understand, I also have an evil thing inside me that does things while I'm blacked out." "...no, I was conscious for all of that." "Oh." "..." "..." "..." "Do you like Ouija Boards?" "sure okay" ETC. Like damn we are reading shounen manga because no one is talking extensively about their feelings here and I'm tapping my foot angrily.

Holy shit there are so many mythologies happening at once. The ancient family guarding the Egyptian Pharaoh has a surname that's a Mesopotamian goddess. None of the god cards make any Egyptian sense except Ra, and just like. Baaarrrrely. Somewhere either Evil Ring Bakura or Mar/lik makes a reference to cremation and spirits being taken to heaven with smoke which several things, but definitely not Ancient Egyptian. Marik/Malik meanwhile is clearly trying to head Arabic, along with Rishid, but then, hey, our sister is just Isis. Goddess McGoddess. Sometimes they're the same goddess! Her name could be Isis Isis or Ishtar Ishtar. Meanwhile, all the obviously 'occult because Christians think it is freaky' stuff. ~ancient egyptian pentagrams~~~This isn't a complaint, I guess so much as a 'Wow, I can kind of see the cultural spot the author was coming from and where he was aiming' kind of thing.

Wonder where things would have gone if the card games had not been latched onto the way they were.

Managed to forget how gross the pre-cardgames stuff was on the sexual harassment front. I'm glad there was a sort of explanation of everyone drifting away from being dick heads and that that decision was made. It got way more comfortable to read after no one was bringing Yugi p*rn on VHS.

Yugi looks better with a nose, glad we got that upgrade.

Interesting to watch the series style shift as it goes away from being horror to being over the top cardgames and friendship (with blood!). The first picture of Mokuba is fucking Jarring. Also noticed that the nicer a character is, the less their teeth are defined.

Glad manga did not go as completely off the fucking the rails about Marik's face. I never got as far as seeing him back in the day because college occurred, but I remember seeing pictures and stuff and being like, "what in the Fuck happened to that dude, I think the house style has collapsed in on itself"

Things the author Really Likes: motorcycles, belts, SHOES, holy shit the shoes. These are some of the most lovingly rendered sneakers I've ever seen. All the detail on his characters goes straight to their feet and then it's stretched upward until it forms stiff peaks. Gently fold in 3000 years of trauma and bake face down in a crumb coat of scattered mythology. Remove when you roll two zeros.

Where the fuck am I going to put the extremely large omnibus volumes of this comic I purchased in order to balance out how much I would be reading for free on the internet. I should have grasped that a three in one edition would be Thick and yet somehow I was still :O when it arrived. Have I strategically purchased volumes that contain my favorite parts, maybe, what's it to you will i eventually get the whole thing because incomplete book series gnaw on my soul? yes

Wish the transition from "I've murdered several people in delightfully karmic ways" to "all you need is friendship in your heart and cards in your hand" Yami Yugi/Pharaoh had been discussed more/transitioned better. Buddy, where did you get this approved for television high horse? Please go back to strangling people with yo-yos or at least tell me why you stopped.

I still can't tell anything that looks like a big robotic monster apart from any other big robotic monster. My dude, I can't tell cars apart, all these monsters look the same.

Yami Yugi fascinated me way more in highschool? Maybe because it was still super early and the anime was like 'we need to torture you about his origins WeEkLy. Now I'm just like 'wait hold on, can we go back to Bakura and Marik for a minute, there's some extreme unpacking to do here?' Those two are paying so much more in baggage fees here my guy wow

Violently uninterested in any of the spinoff media

[kent0bean]

malaysia

sooo this is my first ever jjk fic and attempt at writing in a while so please be nice!! i guess its a drabble since its so short? i’m on chapter 126 rn so the storyline in this may be a little tangled/warped. i really do wanna try to write more and im not sure how ill format future fics if i do. im kinda just winging it here but i hope you enjoy!! if you have any tips or anything please let me know!

genre: angst

warnings: blood, injury, death, spoilers for ch. 120+

wc: 378

nanami kento x reader

Coughing was all you could do. Alone and cold on the bathroom floor, but not completely. The cursed spirit stood above you smiling mockingly. Laughing just to spit in your face. Blood was seeping from the wound in your stomach. It wasn’t stopping, why wasn’t it stopping? Arata had used his cursed technique to hold you over so why was it still bleeding? You were numb.

There wasn’t much time left for you, you knew that. Sorcerers much stronger than you had died at the hands of the curse above you. Just kill me already, you thought. But he wouldn’t, he was enjoying this too much.

Earlier, it seemed the fight leaned in your favor. You moved fast. It was impossible for him to touch you. Outsmarting Mahito and landing attack after attack, it was over, it had to be. One misstep was all it took. A fatal blow landed between your already wounded ribs rendering you immobile.

“Got a little cocky earlier” Mahito laughed, “couldn’t have died gracefully like your little boyfriend?”

No. He couldn’t be gone. Nanami was strong right? He had to be bluffing to whittle away what little resolve you had left. There was no way you weren’t able to say goodbye. You tried to keep calm, to save face, but there was no hiding the fear in your eyes. Not of dying, not of the monster above you, but of that fact that Nanami was truly gone.

“Your student, although has some resolve. Itadori Yuji I think it was? Little fucker wouldn’t die. Oh and your Nanami said had some odd last words, something about Malaysia I think?”

Malaysia, Nanami’s and your upcoming honeymoon destination. Late nights coddled up in his bed discussing plans of your future and the wedding, all gone and these words from Mahito had confirmed it. You mustered up the energy to spit at him, but all that came up was blood.

“God I really wish I would’ve killed you first. Would have loved to have seen the look on his face.”

With a single hand Mahito ripped into you, creating another hole. He gripped and clawed your heart from your chest all while morphing you until you were unrecognizable.

Malaysia did sound nice. But not without your Nanami.

[thegeminisage]

alright im about to watch 5.03 of merlin for the 2nd time ever

because if i dont do it now i may NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE

but first i wanna get out of the way that i thought merlin convincing arthur to keep the ban on magic in 5.05 because he was trying to thwart ~*~destiny~*~ or whatever is the laziest writing ever, it’s unsatisfying for the audience, it renders the rest of the last season utterly pointless, it’s unfair to merlin and arthur, and the tonal shift of the show from farting trolls in season 2 to full greek tragedy in season 5 was completely unwarranted and i feel TRICKED as a human person because i expected the end to be bittersweet and make me sad, not table-flipping angry, and i do not at all have high hopes for the finale

but i can ignore something having a “bad last five minutes” i did it for life is strange and final fantasy 13-2 i will do it for merlin but honestly 

speaking on 5.03, after it was over the first time i was like “i can never write my fanfic now because nothing i ever do will be as good as that” but i’m really relieved in that way that that was apparently the last good episode of merlin because now i can continue my work in peace and maybe hopefully even actually finish it

okay commence the liveblog:

love that arthur and merlin are down to just jump off their horses whenever random women start screaming in the distance. season 5 could have been so good, they’re so much more grown up and in sync with one another, i absolutely LOVE their #vibe

it was interesting to me also that arthur DEMANDED a fair trial for this woman despite her being accused of sorcery. god, he was SO CLOSE?? that hatred of magic just can’t really take root in him especially with uther gone...arthur may be an asshole in the early seasons, and he may be quick to anger and quick to lash out in that anger, but it’s just not in him to be cruel, especially needlessly

EVEN THIS LADY IS LIKE “u showed kindness and compassion” arthur is a Good Boy deep down he is he IS he didn’t care a bit about that horn she gave him but still politely said it was beautiful

although lmao the way his face changed when she said it was magic...that’s the STUFF

lowkey losing it at athony head in the credits. i was looking to see if he’d be in the s5 ones since he’s dead and didn’t see him in 5.01 or 5.02 so when i DID see him in 5.03 i was like haha no way did they pay to put him in here i guess i just missed him the first couple of times BUT I WAS WRONG

like, in buffy, they spend an entire episode trying to decide whether or not to necromance their mom or whatever and she doesnt actually APPEAR IN THE EP they never SEE her i thought this would be an episode ABOUT uther i didn’t think uther would be IN it

love that from the get-go arthur’s face screams “i am thinking about making a terrible mistake” and merlin’s face is like “he is thinking about making a terrible mistake”

i’m quite proud of merlin in s5 actually. bad writing aside he uses multiple braincells many times per episode. it’s a vast improvement. same energy as clary from shadowhunters right down to getting shafted in his final season

ive said it before and ill say it again gwen looks SOOO GOOOOD as queen

if this is the anniversary of uther’s death then (if you go by 1 season = 1 year) arthur just turned 30...it’s been nine years and change since merlin met him, and by the end of season 5 it will have been an entire decade

in an otherwise increddibly heavy episode arthur panicking and throwing all the apples out of the bowl so he could cover the horn with it is absolutely priceless. season 5 if nothing else has really hammered home for me what a TERRIBLE liar arthur is - merlin got good at it fast out of necessity but arthur can’t hold a poker face to save his LIFE. “leave it.” “why??” “because i’m telling you to and i’m the king of camelot” buddy......

we were ROBBED. if there had ever been a day where arthur came to accept merlin’s magic but still had to help merlin hide it there could have been an entire episode of arthur nearly blowing merlin’s cover because he’s a nervous nelly and at the end he goes “i cant believe you have had to do this 24/7 for YEARS without a single friend to help you” and merlin goes “well now i have you” anyway.

i love also that repeatedly when arthur goes to do something scary by himself he also brings merlin. they LITERALLY are two halves of a whole

“you’re threatening me with a spoon??” i can’t tell you about the unfortunate fanfics i have seen involving The Spoon. i shall also not mention the ones involving The Glove. we will not speak of it

I CANNOT BELIEVE STONEHENGE IS IIN MERLIN. i got so agitated i did not pay one bit of attention to the conversation following its reveal and me and cathy and had to rewind so i could listen properly

my hate-on for stonehenge goes thusly: stonehenge apocalypse, starring misha collins, is @callowyn‘s favorite movie. i have seen it 45 times. i hate it nearly as much as she loves it. it’s an age-old battle

merlin is so intense when he looks for signs in arthur that he DOESN’T totally hate magic...arthur using magic to see his dad again is one of those signs. he’s willing to turn to it in desperation - maybe he’d be willing in less desperate times too

“my father was taken from me before his time” i mean...he was practically in a coma. so like. he wasn’t

love that when arthur mentions merlins dad ONCE he immediately looks like he’s about to cry. mood. i also want to cry every time i think about merlins dad

up until the moment i laid eyes on uther i was SURE they werent actually gonna do it. i came into this thinking it was a FLASHBACK EP

for the record (and believe me i NEVER thought i’d say this) even though i waited and waited for his demise and cheered when he was gona for good...i really missed uther in season 4. at least with uther you know what you’re getting. agravaine (his replacement as “evil guy who keeps us from being able to solve our problems too easily”) was a slimy cowardly CREEP. and in season 5 i WISH things were as simple as “work around uther’s pigheaded unreasonableness”

for a hot second i really thought uther and arthur would have a nice conversation where they reconciled or said something heartwarming. i was worried about an uther redemption arc - this guy is responsible for the genocide of magic users, he doesn’t deserve redemption - but this show said NOT TODAY and they said it QUICK

WE

ARE

SO

BLESSED

i have A LOT of issues with season 5 but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS WAS DADDY ISSUES 2.0 BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD

repressed trauma returns: harder better faster stronger!! that’s the STUFF

was i not just speaking the other day on my fanfic ask meme about how i love emotionally intense stuff? this is IT babey

uther’s such a bad father! he’s with his only child again for the last time in ever and all he does is tear him a new one! this is why arthur’s such a fucked-up human being (morgana too) 

i’m THRILLED we got to revisit this. his eyes get bigger and bigger and he starts fucking stammering and by the time uther’s done calling him weak and a failure he looks ready to CRY. i was HOLLERING. i still couldnt believe uther was even HERE and not only is he HERE he’s a WRECKING BALL

“this CAN’T be the last time i’ll ever see you” oh buddy you’re gonna wish it was

and he looks back, as he leaves. of COURSE he does. just like lot’s wife. so it goes.

you know how at the end of every supernatural episode sam and dean debrief and talk about their feelings in the car? for merlin and arthur it’s almost always done around a campfire at night - sometimes in arthur’s chambers or other places, but usually out here in the wilderness where it’s just the two of them. i’m...really going to miss it, when it’s gone.

“my father doesn’t approve of the way i’ve chosen to rule his kingdom” “you mean YOUR kingdom”

you know i don’t think i really got...like, fundamentally, on a deep level...that merlin fucking HATES uther

i’ve seen him save uther’s miserable life so many fucking times that i thought for merlin it was kind of the way it was with gwen - he feels nothing for him, but he looks after him for arthur’s sake (or as i came to understand later because he’s professor x about the whole thing)

but the way his expression got SO UGLY when arthur revealed that uther just shit-talked him the entire time...holy fuck

between that & some other stuff that happens later it really paints a clearer picture of like...uther’s dead so merlin doesn't have to hold back anymore and he FUCKING HATES HIM?? like obviously he SHOULD bu i just never SAW it before this. merlin LOATHES him. it’s INCREDIBLE to witness when he bore it so silently for so long. maybe even merlin didn’t realize just how much he hated him until now

and not to get too real here but if youve ever been friends with someone who had an abusive/toxic parent or was in an abusive/toxic relationship and you watch them feeling like shit after and they start making excuses for that asshole like “oh yeah he’s right about x” and you just want to find this horrible person and THROTTLE THEM that emotion is like ALL OVER merlin’s face rn. i didn’t actually seriously "”ship”” merlin and arthur until late season 4/early season 5 (i didnt like dislike it i just wasnt actively bothered by a lack of it) and what changed was this vibe. merlin wants to kill uther all over again just because he made arthur feel this way. he’s so fuckijng PROTECTIVE

and he still almost manages to drag a smile out of him via roasting, god bless these 2

ok so i didnt believe this show would actually DO THAT re: putting uther himself in this ep but i was doubly shocked by the fact that he HITCHED A RIDE AND GOT OUT

me shrieking during this entire poltergeist sequence: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HIM?? HOLY FUCK HE IS LITERALLY HAUNTING ARTHUR I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE DOING THIS I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE GIVING US THIS etc etc etc

actually most of that was probably muffled nonsense because i was yelling with both hands over my mouth

percival’s the realest motherfucker on this whole show. dude survives a murder attempt in which he got an AXE lobbed at him by the fucking GHOST of a power-mad genocidal king and he’s like: yeah idk i guess it fell

there was thunder in the bg for this WHOLE ep and i’m Big into it

absolutely CACKLING at the bit where merlin has to ask arthur if he looked back at uther’s spirit. it’s one of those nice big heavy questions - so heavy, in fact, that arthur can’t answer, can’t even LOOK at merlin, either because he’s ashamed or because he’s bugging out or both. you thought this shit was over? it’s never over! daddy issues are a lifelong ride, pal! arthur’s just get to haunt him literally this time. god it’s so fucking good

can i just say? merlin reads that damning silence reeeal well. and it’s a big, heavy thing to know about arthur - but then again he knows all the big heavy things about arthur

the score for this episode is really good too...very suspenseful and good, adds a lot to the atmosphere, keeps it from getting too slow

there’s a hint of merlin’s absolute HATRED of uther in this conversation again - the way his face tightens when he says “uther would do anything to protect his legacy and that makes him dangerous, who knows what he’s capable of now”

and arthur dismisses him because he can’t hear this but merlin almost refuses to leave - and when he DOES leave, he doesn’t take his eyes off arthur for one fucking second. he stares him down all the way out of the room. i don’t think it’s because he’s angry with arthur, per se - he’s angry with uther, and he knows uther in a way arthur never can or will, as someone ruthless who will kill without warning or remorse. he’s afraid of uther and he’s trying to get arthur to be afraid of uther too before it’s too late and LSDKFJGHSLDFJH

if you’re thinking “thats a lot to interpret from one look” yes it is but i’m right. IT’S A BIG, HEAVY LOOK. NICE AND LOADED. love unpacking all of that

i cant believe this dude tried to KILL GWEN like he really is coming after everything that makes arthur happy. im so glad it was merlin that saved her. i really do think merlin is her best friend

multiple times in this serious arthur fidgets when he’s nervous or thinking, usually with his hands near his mouth. i am endeared to him. my poor boy

“i always knew my father could be cruel but why would he do this to gwen when he knows i love her” BECAUSE HE’S CRUEL

merlin knows. merlin knows his cruelty much better than arthur. boy does he know. i’m dying. it’s fine

love that at this part of the ep we slide seamlessly into the “merlin and arthur are both scared shitless” section which was truly one of my favorite things about the s4 opener. they’re both so fucking jumpy and giving each other shit about being frightened and continuing to be frightened anyway. the DELICIOUS IRONY of arthur finally being scared of uther in the way merlin has been scared of uther for Y E A R S oh my god it’s so GOOD

do also love the entire silent conversation they have when deciding what to do about the door. this is what i mean by their upgraded vibe.l in the early seasons merlin wouldn’t have understood and his lack of understanding would have been played for laughs. now they’re totally in sync

here’s the thing, gaius could have made this magic “able to see uther’s ghost” potion for just arthur and he didn’t. he made it for both of them. everything arthur does merlin does. they’re partners in all things. they’re COMPANIONS. and this is why i finally now Ship It. tragic.

you know this is a kind of weird comparison but late seasons arthur reminds me JUST a bit of gwaine. he complains so much less that he sort of has that same “roll with whatever” vibe to him. pretend to faint so you can steal some guy’s dagger? why not. take this foul potion that may kill us? sure, let’s do it. come what may he’s not really fussed. much more unflappable

until he starts getting spooked again LMFAO 

we do love a good pair of spooked dumbasses. this is charming and entertaining.

leon HAD to know they were lying about poetry. he probably thought they were having.......a tryst,

love also that even in this very dire moment merlin does NOT miss the chance to have some fun at arthur’s expense. that’s true friendship

i got jumpscared three separate times during this ep and one of them was when uther was glaring down merlin and arthur in the hallway after leon left

arthur didn’t jump but he did go hunting after him and to his credit he does not look scared. he looks like a man who is trying to deal with his business and get his shit together

merlin made that FACE again when arthur expressed sadness at hunting his own father because all he ever wanted to DO was make him proud

honestly it’s like since he can’t shit-talk uther he just sings arthur’s praises instead like this here is a guy who is just barely holding his tongue about how fuckin pissed he is. i cant believe it

splitting up was the WORST idea. have they not seen scooby doo??

love that when merlin gets cornered by uther’s ghost and gets scared he yells for arthur and when arthur gets scared because his torch blows out he yells for merlin. you fools, why did you SPLIT UP

uther locks arthur in the room with him, which is already some top tier content, but doubly good? it’s the same room in which arthur nearly ran him through in 2.08. don’t think i didn’t notice. i did notice. i was shrieking into my hands.

seriously this is a pretty calm liveblog but the first time i watched this ep my face was like this the whole time: O O

just kept going “HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD” over and over. it was greeat

“arthur your fatal flaw is that you put too much trust in other people” do you think arthur, who now has a complex about people betraying him, ever forgot that for one second in his entire life afterward? me neither

speaking of 2.08 arthur dropped some FACTS “your hatred comes from fear” i'm sure they didn’t do it on purpose but #throwbacks

i’m fully experiencing human emotion. “i’m not you, i can’t rule like you did” he’s trying SO HARD to fight his way out of that bullshit

also lmao arthur like “then you’ll have to kill me” and uther like “yeah okay” arthur didn’t KNOW how this man was this could have been SUCH a good awakening

AND NOW IT’S TIME

FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS EPISODE

when i say merlin hates uther. WHEN I SAY MERLIN H A T E S UTHER

HIS LINE HERE. ok. “get away from him, uther. you’ve caused enough harm” he’s furious! he’s GROWLING! 

“you are just a serving boy” “i am much more than that” listen. human words cannot express the emotion that ran through me. when they said “we’re gonna bring back anthony head as uther” i doubted. when they said “he’s gonna be the bad guy and reopen all of arthur’s old wounds” i doubted. when they said “he’s still here LITERALLY haunting arthur who now has to HUNT HIM” I DOUBTED. i didn’t believe they’d do any of it until it was happening on my screen. but ONE LOOK at merlins face made a MOTHERFUCKING BELIEVER out of me. i knew exactly what he was about to do. pretty sure i gasped “NO” in astonishment

AND HE DID THAT

HE👏

DID👏

THAT👏

NOT ONLY. DID I SHRIEK ALOUD. FULL SCREAM. WHEN IT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME. BUT JUST NOW. WHEN I WATCHED HIM DO IT AGAIN. MORE SCREAMING.

how LONG do you think merlin had ACHED to do that

to show himself to uther for what he was, what he REALLY WAS, someone to be reckoned with instead of someone to be overlookedd, without fear of consequences

i can’t even like

like just imagine the triple rush of 1. satisfaction 2. rage 3. lingering habitual terror

i think at this moment merlin was closer to and more like morgana than he had ever been and maybe ever will be again. because the two of them have so much in common but one thing i didn’t really clock until now is how much they both hate uther

it’s so good. uther is SHOCKED and DISMAYED and this is like merlin’s old fear come back from death too (getting found out by uther) while at the same time being a dream come true (getting to tell uther what he really thinks, who he really is - “i was BORN with it!”) he’s so ANGRY! he is LIVID!)

he’s also really SATISFIED like “even while you were king there was magic at the heart of camelot” GOD how long has he been WAITING for this and not even realized it

and like then uther starts spewing his hateful bullshit and stalking forward with the intent to kill and my guy merlin who should be terrified STANDS HIS MOTHERFUCKING GROUND and says right over him “you’re wrong, you’re wrong” for thirty beautiful seconds merlin really got to be free. i know i will keep comparing things to 2.08 until i die but it’s just like when arthur was almost ready to kill uther in cold blood because for one perfect, brilliant moment he really and truly saw clearly the world as it was. i really love these moments...the strength of their respective convictions is so gratifying

merlin yeeting uther through a door is also gratifying although i have no idea what he hoped to accomplish by following without waking arthur first

i. LOVE. that the camera lingered a little on the spears or whatever after merlin walked by them. nice little foreshadowing moment

THOSE SPEARS GOT AWFULLY CLOSE BUT IM PRETTY SURE UTHER MISSED ON PURPOSE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO TAKE HIS TIME. HIS MISTAKE

okay merlin spent the better part of a lifetime dreading uther’s death sentence and here’s uther stalking down a hallway sword pointed at his chest and certain death is IMMINENT and what does merlin’s face look like?

arthur comes in with the rescue and INSTANTLY his expression changes to?

IT’S BETTER IN MOTION BUT HE LOOKS READY TO CRY

my immediate thought: oh jesus what if uther outs him

i knew he wouldnt bc of spoilers but i would bet a benjamin that that was merlin’s first thought too

tbh. i wish he had.

i kind of wonder if merlin doesn’t wish the same thing. like yes being outed like that is terribly violating and he’s terrified of telling arthur obviously or he would have already but at the same time there would be so much relief once it was finally out. no more secret-keeping. no more burden

i mean, if you go back and watch it, dude’s straight up shaking. he’s trembling all over. he’s losing it. that last teary glance they exchanged.......

uther was two SYLLABLES away from blowing the whole thing

and in a better happier canon where arthur knows and was waiting for merlin to tell him this is like double angst because uther wouldve ben blowing something for them both

i like arthurs followup of realizing that he’ll never be able to please uther (step 1 of breaking away from the cycle of abuse) but for the LIFE OF ME

i will NEVER be able to understand why they segued into this GLOVE THING

i’m not talking about the glove thing

i will say however that by the end of this episode i was so hysterical i had to get up and get water and pace around my kitchen for ten minutes fanning my own face

and that’s it. that’s the second-best episode of merlin and the last good episode there ever was

[thisismyghost-blog]

A letter to my conservative friends/family

I have had the feeling of being separated by a thick wall from everyone around me for most of my life. There are times people reach me but it’s usually short lived. I have been the quiet one people tease with worn out phrase, “Cat got your tongue?” And who looks on confused and smiling trying simply not to do damage and being paralyzed by not having infinite perspective or all my ish together or knowing that how people perceives me can have consequences to them even if I only show love to them that they can not be able to recognize it or that my perspective may limit me from seeing how a blind spot I have affects them. I care and I see, therefore I am used and covered up. It doesn’t have to be that way. We don’t have to have all the answers in order to deserve respect and care. We don’t have to be likeable to everyone to not deserve judgement. No one is blameless so when fingers get pointed and groups of people get villanized there is always someone who doesn’t value people on the other end of that. Empaths have open hearts and arrows fly in. We can change the direction we face our hearts to be able to receive the love and mercy we are being offered and can’t accept. We can do that when we see we need to in order to really do that for someone else.  We can turn our hearts away from people who seek to keep our thoughtful insight and the reality of our experiences secret or try to make us unlikeable. It takes a lot and it might not be fixed and always ok and someone might still hurt us but if we are to be strong for our children and those we love we have to build ourselves back up in order to speak, in order to reveal the truth, in order to rescue those who might possibly by spared. I would not have reached this place without unconditional love and willingness to sit with me in the pain.

Lucifer appears as an angel and impersonates and perverts everything good. Narcissist are the same. He roams the earth seeking whom he may devour. He took so many bites until nothing was left. I died to myself and have been reanimated by the love around me. I have been kept safe enough to do the work while not being further victimized and pushed further into a corner souley because I was lucky enough to have real love around me.I am only able to finally see those whos opinions matter and to start becoming bullet proof to being shut down by the criticism of those who have nothing to teach me. I have been loved enough times and thrown enough ropes to make it here. I am dramatic and weird and airheaded sometimes and klutzy but some of the best people are and if I am to ever reach them i have to stop letting people put me down.   I have never met anyone more Jesus-like than my childhood best friend. She was treated at times like she was simple for never criticizing anyone and having an endless sunshine well of positive energy and love for others and no need to self promote. The fact that the world lost a light like hers and her equally brilliant amazing beautiful mother is one of those stark realties that make me understand how people can die from a broken heart. It’s one of those realties that threatens to fill  me with hatred at people who parade around with the wrong values and wouldn’t see their infinite value and beauty.The fact she has a son in this world without her breaks me in a way that sometimes it feels not worth continuing to fight for a life in a universe like this where the rocks don’t cry out and stop these things from happening. But my son needs me and I have to be brave enough to endure what I need to endure in order to carry her torch and I have to be curious and critically thinking enough to keep myself out of the way and really seek wisdom the way the smartest person I will probably ever personally have a relationship with, my father, always did.  I have been in denial and bargaining stages of greif until pretty much rn since 2001 when he left this planet. He won’t be in history books or built a monument to like I think he deserves and he has not been able to live the last two decades with his daughters and wife whom he adored and or the grandchildren he would probably adore further still. I have never been able to feel close to him or be anything but hurt and enraged by accessing memories of him and seeing what I had lost. Until my son, with his perfect innocence, beauty and valiance has managed to bring me to the present moment from the island of the supreme type of disociaton from your body and ego that happens after certain social isolating traumas. Until I was able to look in his handsome face and realize the love between us is the same and how the things that really matter, which include him never losing sight of his value are all I’m concerned about living on from me. He was able to do that only with our angels (my bf, his stepdad) shield up, willingly absorbing stressors. What he endures, I may never fully see or appreciate. The ways my family have ever gone to battle for me in the face of uncertainty and pain because they love me I may never fully see. But how I begin to connect with them in a more meaningful way and start to be the type of woman he deserves is by looking at those facts without shame but with their love. My son adores me how I adored my mom even when she felt bad about herself and I have finally begun to be able to step up and be there for him the way I want. It was never that I wouldn’t have happily been burned alive to do for him but that I was paralyzed to do because I felt unworthy, not wise enough, not strong enough, not cool enough, not good enough to express myself or assert myself at times when I wanted to. I can stop being angry at myself for not being able to protect him from ever being hurt because of the love I received from my mother which I see clearly now, moved mountains for me even if it couldn’t and never was responsible for magical, super human provisions of everything I needed. Those mother’s don’t exist because it’s not human. How can a single human being be what they want for the ones they love? By realizing they are the potential expression of God’s love and the highest level of being when they show their love for their children. By realizing that is good enough and allowing their children to have access to their healthiest possible most creative self.  The loudest people in the room are most often the most selfish. The introverts and empaths and those who have suffered in ways that give them the awareness aesthetic people (think monks in wool robes in monastery rejecting worldly pleasures) are seeking. The ones with the most needed voices to be amplified are busy listening and gleaning actual useful nuanced insight that is crucial for building a society that more efficiently can seek to fulfill liberty and Justice for all. True American values and Christian values imo are to look to those at the bottom in order to gauge the efficiency of those at the top. We are all guilty of looking to the day we can be worthy enough but we are telling our kids that how attractive and liked like are by a crowd or considered impressive and holy enough by a congregation of people matters more than it already does. We are engaging in a quest for a life that doesn’t exist. We will never be blameless. Beautiful and rich will never be able to equal peace or meaningful human connection so we need to stop chasing mirages. Ostracism  has huge health impacts physically as well as emotionally, and happens no matter how strong or pure someone is. Children, case and point. We have to take responsibility for our impulse to turn away from people when we can’t help them the way we want. We have to fight our urge to stifle ourselves and see that no one is qualified and it won’t accomplish what we wish it could but that our voice needs to be heard precisely because we think that way.  I’m trying to tell you that you don’t need to feel ashamed for being human.If anything about me was worth saving and it’s a good thing for people not to self destruct while they fumble around in the dark dungeon of uncertainty and shame is a priority.  Cliches and Grand displays of emotion that have the most powerful meanings are generally rendered totally lifeless by being repeated too much by false prophets and manipulating people. Our culture doesn’t have enough genuine displays of how a human life works and what real love looks like. From everything and everyone that I’ve lost and years of personal torment and suicidal ideation cycles and silence I have been lifted up by love. I have to let go of what I refuse to accept is gone in order to interact with what is or ever get to what could be (like living in and helping create a home where children can be even happier than I remember being and longing for. That I can stop feeling homesick for and experience the next level of with my kids and embody all that I possibly can from those who I love and have lost or who are still out there but undervalued and replace the survivors guilt with honoring them. I am ok with you seeing me struggle and thinking I’m weird and long winded if you choose to read this in the hopes I can share some outline of love and grace that I’ve been shown and the hope and can only be born from the flames. I hope to fortify you even if you can’t stick by me right now, if you are ever brought to your knees. I want you to remember what that cat lady told you.

[daniedoodles]

Danie’s Dilemmas Ep. 6: Messy and A Little Dry, ngl

Hey. It’s been awhile since my last episode and I felt like it was time for a little update... not that I’m saying that there’s a lot to catch up on, but I figured since I’m already up this late and we all know by now that I am slightly more than how I usually am, I might as well. 

School was pretty shitty the last week, more so than usual, considering the fact that I went from having three assessments to double that amount. My brain and body were not prepared; I don’t think I’ve ever had that many consecutive panic attacks in such a short span of time. Ever since school started I’ve at least gotten six hours of sleep, so you can imagine how out of it I was when those six hours had to be even further reduced down to four. In addition to this, it was finally that time of the month. And no, it’s not what you’re thinking. I’m talking about the opening of college/university admission. So far, I’ve only completed one application out of the four universities I’m eyeing. Little did this bitch know that for your application to be reviewed and considered, you also had to pay an excessive amount of money. These bitches really out here trying to rob us, and it doesn’t even guarantee that you’ll get in. All it does is ensure that your application is going to be read over smh. This is the drier portion of this update, I promise lol. With that said, I should probably end it there with all the school talk because there are far more pressing matters to discuss. 

After somehow enduring all the coughing and sneezing of the people around me in school, I finally caught the plague myself. Maybe it’s ‘cause now that “hell week” is done with and I have no excuse to not be sick, the virus I caught from the people throughout the week finally decided to come out of hiding, the moment they heard me say “I’m just going to have a chill day today.” So now my throat hurts, and my lymph nodes are probably swelling, right on queue just as I think about making a ukulele cover. Luckily, I have all of long weekend to lay around and do nothing. 

Not that any of you might know who I’m talking about but this is sort of the extended portion of episode 5 (Tree Felling). The reason I say that is because for the past week, I’ve somehow managed to not make the first move, to not initiate the conversation, which I have done one too many times. I have to admit, I’m proud of myself because I suppose I took it as a sign that I’m well on my way to gaining closure with this whole situation. After a significant amount of overthinking, it really is fucking stupid and immature and I hate that I let myself invest so much time and energy into trying to make it work when it so clearly showed that there was a slim-none chance that things would go back to the way they were. 

Until today. 

I wouldn’t exactly categorize it as “progress” but after about a month of sitting in the dark, somehow I get the person’s attention by the simplest means possible. Here’s the thing though. I am never opposed to a good FaceTime call, right. But it seems like they are??? I don’t know where the fuck this is going rn because it’s sort of difficult to try and tell the full thing without hinting at who it is so if you really want to know, I’d be more than happy to tell you directly. Something about it was so off-putting because I feel like they think it’s perfectly normal to ghost someone for however long, then return as though nothing ever happened, that everything is just as it should be, which it’s not. I went with my gut instinct and just played along because I knew that if I addressed it directly, there was a good chance that they wouldn’t pursue the conversation any further, the one thing I’m trying to avoid. Then it got me thinking... 

There are a lot of things I miss about the past and that I wish I could return to, except the past will always live in the past as part of our memory, so does it really even exist at all or does it become rendered as a figment of our imagination in the same way that our futures are?? This is starting to sound a lot like a conspiracy theory, but I’m genuinely curious... In the expression “the past is the past”, it entails that the past will cease to exist in our present and only remain where we left them. Okay wait nvm this was a bad idea. I’m not doing well, evidently. I don’t know how to explain it exactly but hopefully it’s is comprehensible to some extent. 

All negatives aside, I just have to quickly mention how fucking grateful I am for all of the new music that’s coming out at the moment. Not that any of you asked or anything (actually, you didn’t even ask for this series at all lmao) but currently my two favourite songs are Golden by Hippo Campus and Churchyard by Aurora. I have to admit though that nothing can beat my summer and september playlists. 

Also, I thought it was worth mentioning my friends (why not). Gotta always show some appreciation for them :). In spite of how little we see each other nowadays, some I don’t see at all even, I feel like we’ve still managed to maintain the bond, if not have it get stronger??? That sounds so cheesy but it’s true. And I love them to pieces. To be even cheesier (lactose intolerant people must be quaking rn), I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard, this often in quite some time all ‘cause of them. Well, really, it’s just their choice of memes. 

Sorry this episode isn’t all that interesting. I’ve been trying to lay off the tea lately, not because I want to, but because I have no time to always be involved in tea and be the one to spill it. That just makes it sound like I purposely try to get into some drama or start beef but I’m not, or at least I don’t think so.. I’m kidding. I really am trying to get into the academic headspace so tea is going to have to be pushed to the back-burner for now. 

my heart says continue, but my three brain cells have had it for the night so I better call it. 

Keep up, will ya