#I wonder if there are programming scripts of it somewhere on the Net

[corvidcrafts273]

dude one of my favourite games from my childhood is inaccessible now

Sure the last 3 levels were impossible to complete but I definitely could have, I had a whole strategy and everything

[teamdoubleoh]

00Q - WTNV AU

wordcount: 5205

“Hello listeners. Before I begin today’s program I have been asked by John Peters, you know, the farmer, to inform the public that the imaginary corn harvest will be delayed by two weeks this season, due to unforeseen showers of our ancestors tears and jell-o just outside city limits. You know what that means: No imaginary-corn-juice until September.

Regarding the sky: I should mention that it will be bright green tonight so keep your curtains shut and avoid late night walks.

I repeat: D̵͍̟̭͖̑͆̇͊͘ô̶̞̌͋̒̃ ̶̥̖̅͌̀͘ǹ̵̦̓́͝ỏ̸̲̋ṯ̷̗̽ ̴̱̣͖̪̐ḡ̶͔̫̤o̵͇̿̇̉̌ ̵͙̗͎̈́̈́͗̏o̷̤̳͍͉͐̽̌͊ṵ̸̟͂̍t̸͇̞̠̜̻͝ş̴̤̯̿͊̈́̉i̷̞̝̾̈͋͌̀d̵͈̥͆͆͝͠e̸̖̾.̵̥̳͉̌͜ ̴̧̖̯̪͖̊̊̋͘̚U̷̬̰̙͛́̔̌ṇ̸̣̆̔̑d̷̗̥́̑e̵̛͚͔̘̖̿̌̏̕r̶̬̦̒͆ ̶̯͖̰̦̏̒̎̂̕ņ̸͎̺̻͐͆ô̸̢͉̥̠̳̈́̑̈̓ ̸̞͔̀c̷̙̹̺̝̭̎̈́̇i̴̮̜̜͖̎͘͜r̷̦͙͚̙̹̀̂̐c̶̨̧̤̣̮̆͗̎̋u̷̧̧͇̯͐́͒̆͋m̶̟͈͍͖͐͂s̵̖̦͑̍͂͝ț̵̋͌̕ȃ̵̱͈̽͒͠n̵̗͔̼̫͉͑̈͐͠c̸͕̋̽͌̈́̌e̷͇̥̤̍̐̉͠s̷̝̦̍͌̿̓͝ ̸̢̗͇̫̟̈́̀a̷̱͗͠r̵̡̤͚̙̆͐͝ë̴̮̜̭́̓͗͠͝ ̴̡̜̀̄͜y̷̬͈̮̮͋ơ̶͖̮ư̸̫̮̌̈́ͅ ̶͇̈t̸̤͉̹̜̺͆͋o̵̗͒̐́ ̵̡̜̤̼̼̃͌̄̈́̒l̸̰͎̺̻̾͗͆̉õ̷̖o̷̞̞̝͔̿͑͛͜k̴̳̗̼͕̫̃̕ ̸͓̘͔̦̼͋̈̔͘à̸̫̳͈͔̝̀͐̑t̵̡̛̤͓͎̥̐̏͆̃ ̶̛̫̩̤̠̤̈̿̍t̵̮̘̳̳͔͐̎͘̚ḫ̷̡̧̢̛̝̋͠͝e̸̦͔̲̟̿͂̚̕ ̸̪̜̩̎̐̍͂ş̵̀̓̈́̚͝k̴̤̼͎̠̄͒̀̈́͠y̴̢̫̓̒ ̷̹̫̆̓̽͒͒t̴̨̢̺͗ö̸̮̺́͝ń̴̤̀i̴̢̋͋̈́̚͜͝ĝ̸͕̊h̴̹̩̅͠ͅt̷͙͈̞̞͑͜.̸͙́́͐ .

The sky will regain its normal colour by 9am, just in time to go to bed. Tomorrow night it will temporarily be violet, just as scheduled for the second Saturday of August.

On local news: A stranger came into town tonight. They tell me he stopped by old woman Josie’s house to ask for directions, but she sent him away because he kept staring impolitely at the Angels which are not permanent residents in old woman Josie’s house. In fact they do not exist. And they lie.

To return to our stranger: He was fine.

No one who wears a bespoke suit like him is ever truly lost. It hasn’t got anything to do with the suit, only with the road map that was firmly lodged between his third to fifth rib and a shoulder holster under the suit. Our stranger is also nervous, or so they tell me. He wonders how I know, and he wonders who "they" are and why I am referring to him in this very moment, on the radio.

If I was insensible I would mention more things about him like how he likes Vodka Martinis and has developed a strong dislike of Venice and how he he can’t follow orders or rules or his heart.

Luckily I am not insensible.

Well, strangers are rare in Nightvale. The last time someone came to us from somewhere else I don't even remember. Dear listeners, I know what you're asking: What does he want from us? Why has he come? What is the last digit of π?

As it is my duty as a radio host, I will provide you with answers:

The last digit of π is a real number between 0 and 9.

The Stranger wants nothing from us. He was sent by someone who wants someone else and someone else is here, in our lovely little town.

So, he has come to find someone; maybe we could tell the stranger where he, who he is looking for, is but you know the rules. If you see something, say nothing. The sheriff's secret police has already gotten rid of any potential threat. The rules say so.

Our stranger can’t follow rules. He remembers his mission. He remembers that he has a mission, he even remembers why has one.

Another secret about our stranger: He is a spy. That also is the reason why he has a mission, and the mission is finding the special someone. Our stranger doesn't know the name of his someone but he knows others call him Quartermaster. He doesn't know how to find his someone.

Dear listeners. There is a stranger in Nightvale, who is looking for someone who is a stranger to him, but not us. He is a spy but others call him agent; He fears the waters of Venice, can't follow rules and his name is Bond. James Bond.

Just this evening I was out near the forbidden dog park at the corner of “Earl” and “Summer-set” near the “Ralph’s” when I met him. He still wore the same bespoke suit which was a bit crumpled after the many hours spent behind the wheel of his car.

On unrelated news: The Agent drives a silver DB5 Aston Martin with a pumpkin shaped coffee stain on the drivers seat, or so I’m told.

The Agent, James Bond, sat on a bench outside the dog park because the dog park was closed. The dog park was closed because it was Friday after 5pm and because it it closed every day.

He sat in that particular spot because he was instructed to. He doesn't know by whom exactly, but it says so in his mission file, so he has to sit here on this Friday afternoon and wait. According to his instructions the Quartermaster is supposed to meet him here but there is no Quartermaster, just an Agent alone on a bench.

I felt a little bad for him, and also a little weak on my feet because my left knee had just acted up again, so I sat next to him.

He didn’t say anything.

I said:" How do you like the dog park?"

He pointed towards the sign with the rules for the park and said:" Pretty pointless, If you ask me." I had asked him, so I didn't say anything further and he said:" Excuse me," and was gone.

Not instantly of course, he just walked at a fairly quick pace.

Honestly, I find it quite frankly astounding that the Agent drove all the way out here, only to sit on a bench to talk to someone but when someone showed up, he won’t even discuss dog parks without dogs or the inevitability of passing time.

Well.

Our sponsor today is the East India Company. Have you always wanted your own east India? Now you can have it for the low cost of a lifetime of conquest. West Indias are currently out of stock and not as cool as east Indias anyways. Get your own province today at east-india@nv.com.

I am distressed to announce that, due to unforeseen circumstances, the bowling-alley-arcade-fun complex will be closed until further notice. The Nightvale bowling team will instead train at the waterfront and harbour recreation area, which is also currently closed to the wider public. Sadly this means all bowling pins have to be exchanged for a volleyball net and the bowling balls for a beach volleyball.

Further more there are news from the station.

In the mens bathroom a cat has appeared. It does not seem to want to leave, or at least has made no attempt to, but maybe that has something to do with the local shift in gravity in there. The cat is currently living on the wall opposite the door, where she appears to be able to stick straight to the tiles. Well, you know how local gravitational faults are. But honestly, I don't have the time to call someone to fix it and none of the interns have been here at the station since this morning, so I guess we have a cat now.

In further station news I will now read the outcome of the vote my interns and I took over the course of yesterday’s lunch break. The vote was on wether or not I am to refer to them as "minions" in the future.

Alright, let’s see: Not In favour of the new title of "minion" are: ...Hm. Only me.

In favour of the new title of "minion" are: Minions Number 1, Number 2, Number 3, Number 4, Number 5, Number ... well. I assume you can already see where this is going.

I’ll check in on station management on any new developments in town. So now I present to you... the weather.”

(Mortal Man by Jeremy Loops)

“Welcome back listeners!

Station management wants to remind every one that words aren't silver. words are vibrations. Silence is golden. Thought is magic. From this we can conclude that Paul Watzlawick was wrong.

I am also to inform you that there has been an accident just outside dark owl records. No cars were involved, nor any other vehicles or pedestrians. Just the crashing of two squalls of hot dry desert air that didn't see each other coming.

There were no casualties.

To avoid future incidents remember to honk if you exist.

City council would like to thank the citizens of Nightvale that didn't come to get any documents approved this past week, as it has been very stressful and there were enough people present already. Anyone who wants to drop off any paperwork to get it signed is deeply unwelcome. If you still want to visit city hall today, be reminded that the first and second floor have been temporarily moved to the basement. Be also reminded that the basement is off limits to non-employes.

There are news on the agent. During break I went to visit him on his bench. I suppose it would be unprofessional of me to point out that he is good looking so I won’t. I pointed out some of the hooded figures in the dog park and he quickly shushed me. Apparently he has finally decided to read the rules for the dog park, although he appears to have missed the fine script.

He then kept looking at me strangely and asked how I knew about him being an agent. He said he was just listening to me on the radio talking about it.

I said I didn't know he was an agent, they told me he was an agent. I also know agents, and they are all very similar. None of them like to bring back the equipment in one piece, or follow the rules, or black forest cake.

He seemed very taken aback by that. He asked how I knew any agents at all. It was really rather amusing, but of course I told him. I said I know agents because it's my equipment they break. and my rules they won't follow, although there only is one: Always return the equipment in one piece.

He asked if I worked for the government and wether I was allowed to tell him all this. My break was over so I didn't have time to answer him but he is listening to the radio right now, so: I don’t work for the government, there is no such thing. And why wouldn't I be allowed to tell you this? It’s not like it is a secret like sheriff Sam’s secret police. Strangers are so strange... Anyway.

Minion number 1 Is gesturing wildly at her copy of tonights script from outside the booth. I wonder what she could be trying to tell me.

Well.

Next up is traffic.

Do you know how to swim? Have you ever swam in a lake or river or the ocean? If you have, you know the creeping dawning that below you there is nothing for a few feet. Or miles. So much space between you and the earth. But it does not matter because the water protects you from your inevitable death. Lucky you. If you have put you head under water in the ocean and opened your eyes to see nothing but a vast emptiness you know what it it is like in space. You look around and maybe, if you're lucky you’ll spot a fish or two and can find relief in the knowledge that you are not alone in this strange inner outer space. If you don’t spot a fish or two you will soon feel the sinking fear of realisation that you are still not alone. You won't ever be. But it is so, so silent. There really isn't anything there you can see. You're lucky you can actually see that you're alone otherwise you would be so so afraid in this moment of realisation. If your head was above the surface right now you wouldn't see a thing below you because the suns reflection would hide it. Or maybe there wouldn't be anything to hide. Maybe you really are alone. You are so lucky you are below the surface and can actually see what is there and what isn't. So lucky you don’t need to go back up there, where the air is. You don’t need air. You need to keep watch. You should go swim in the ocean.

And now a public service announcement.

The nightvale scientific community calls for volunteers. Volunteers are required to be born no later than tomorrow morning and are not allowed to be dead yet. If you are already dead please leave a note, ore reapply at an earlier date. The volunteers which fit these requirements are asked to come to the station tomorrow morning at 9pm. We are aware this is well into the “personal free time” following the average nine-to-five job but we ask you to show up anyways. Scientists work best during sleeping hours. The scientific community also reminds you that we have a new experiment running, so if you spot any orbs around town, do no question them. D̵̺̪͗̈ọ̸̖̗͓̘̇̽͐ ̶̹̦̠͔͒ͅn̷̠͊̔̀͋ŏ̶̢̯̓̋̉͜t̴̡̺̹̾̀́̕ ̷͇͔͇̈́q̶̥͈̋́̄ụ̸͔̐̇̄͆ē̶̬̈́͑̂̈s̵̺̑́ț̶̮̻̭̪͌͝ị̶̪͓͐͝ö̵͓́͊̑n̴̗̳̤̑͐ ̵̖̑́t̸̨̡̢̛̝͉̉͝h̶̩̓ẽ̴̹̳̄̾͗ ̶̣͔͎̬̍̎̀̌ő̶̫̈́̀̌̽r̵̜̮̙͎̰͊̉̊̕̚b̵̘͍̖̽͜͜s.̷͖͈̗͉̅̃̓̊̈́

This was a public service announcement.

My friend Eve who currently works under station management wants me to remind everyone with blond hair that doors are for people with no imagination. She also wants me to remind everyone with any other hair colour that doors are for people with no imagination. Bald people are exempt from this rule for obvious reasons.

Next up are horoscopes.

People that are born under Aquarius should remember to text someone. Who?Oh you know.

People who have the same star sign as Moneypenny are reminded that we value them as a friend and that they deserve the world and a muffin.

People born under the same star sign as Minion 3 should know that their cooking skills could still be improved. Not by a lot though. Your cooking is wonderful.

People under the same star sign as Q - oh thats me, what a coincidence - should remember to announce something important to their community, such as the dangers of the world or the fact that big rico's is having a sale right now.

People with the same star sign as the Agent, James Bond, should know that their goals are in closer proximity than they might think and that volunteer work is a way to enrich the community as well as the heart.

Thats it for todays horoscopes.  

In unrelated news a quick personal statement. It’s a cruel world. .

Also: big rico’s pizza is having their monthly midnight snack sale.

That’s it for tonight. Stay tuned for the sound of our new station pet walking up and down the restroom’s tiled wall.”

***

On a bench not too far away sat a stranger. He was an Agent and his name was James Bond. Slowly he turned down the volume of his portable radio and inhaled deeply. Tomorrow he would be at the station at 9am sharp, as a volunteer to nightvale’s scientific community.

If he could find this quartermaster anywhere it would be there, he was sure of it. Then he could get out of this weird little town where the radio host knew everything about him. Though when he looked at it that way, the quartermaster could probably know everything about him too, if he wanted to. Not that James had met the quartermaster, but this was the 21st century. With the right skills anyone could find out anything and everyone could turn out to be someone else. He would have to wait for tomorrow.

XXX

"Hello listeners!

Today I am happy to announce that we will be witness to some Experiment down at Q branch, located in the stations cellars. As I am nightvales only radio show host, I was asked to describe the proceeding of todays displays to our younger listeners.

As it is nearly 9 am the volunteers have already arrived. I am correctly standing amidst them, waiting to get into the stations cellar where the headquarter of the  nightvale scientific community is located. The volunteers who are standing with me here today are Minion 2, Minion 5 and Minion 4 as well as the Agent, James Bond.

Seems like everyone else wants to spend time with their loved ones instead of a cellar, weird.

Anyways. They tell me the agent has come in the hope that the quartermaster will be present today, which is a shame because I know for a fact that he isn't currently in the cellar.

Oh. The Agent, James Bond, has joined me over here by the door. It appears he has heard what I said. He’s saying something, wait let me turn down the back feed first.

He says: “How do you know the Quartermaster is not in there?”  

Well, I have to admit, it would just be plain sad if I didn't. The minions are snickering. James Bond has now turned to Minion 5 to ask them why they think this is funny. 5 replies with “because it is”. Well I can’t say I disagree. Now Bond seems a little agitated. He turns back to me. He's asking if I know the Quartermaster. Of course I do. He is asking what I mean with “Of course”.

Well dear listener, this seems like the perfect time to quote Lao Tse. “He who knows others is wise, he who knows himself is enlightened.”

I feel like this is also the perfect time to tell James that I am Head of Q branch, the nightvale scientific community, which means that I definitely should be wise, or at the very least very, very smart.

He seems to take this information well, which is good, especially when we take into consideration that the agent could probably kill me with his right hand tied behind his back. Or so I'm told.

Now the agent looks exasperated. He asks me who they are. I think I showed you just yesterday, James. Honestly, pay a little attention. May I call you James?

He says I may, If I tell him what my name is.

Ah, good one Agent. I can’t tell you that. Anyways, Minion 4 is signing me that it’s time to start the experiment.

She's right dear listeners! I’m kind of busy holding my broadcasting equipment. Number 2, would you be so kind and take the key out of my left pocket? Ah thanks. Alright Listeners, we’re heading inside.

For those of you who haven't been down in Q branch before, which, to be frank, should be all of you, let me quickly describe it.

Imagine a cellar. The ceiling is held up by brick pillars. Imagine desks and computers and loads of scientific equipment with weird names no-one but a scientist could ever hope pronouncing correctly between the pillars. Also some of the walls are painted in a lovely off-white and navy blue combination.

Minions 2, 4 and 5 as well as James Bond and myself are currently in the quarter of the room which seems the most cluttered and is closest to the door. of course it only seems the most cluttered because it is. That’s because we’re currently in the area designated for engineering, and for some reason we never come around to cleaning up. Mostly because we don't want to.

To our left is the quarter designated for chemistry and, by default, toxicology. Do not ever, under any circumstances consume anything in the close vicinity.

Greetings go out to Minion 9, who is currently in intensive care at nightvale’s public hospital.  

To our right is our testing area. Since a not necessarily small part of the equipment we manufacture is meant to blow up at some point, we have a secluded this area with bags of sand to keep the debris away from the more fragile things down here. Finally, at the opposite end of the room is the designated area for data processing.

Bond is now strolling towards the desk in the middle and is looking at the laptop on top of it. Maybe I should stop him. Well. He has opened the laptop. he seems to be confused. Wait a second listeners, I have to go get my computer back.

Bond is looking at me. He’s asking who the laptop belongs to. Well, I did jut say it belongs to me didn’t I.

He seems disappointed. He’s asking if I could just tell him where the quartermaster is. I mean I could, but why would I? The quartermaster came here to get away from the government.

James is asking me how I know the quartermaster, if I’m working with agents. If the quartermaster doesn't trust the government, why does he trust agents?

Dear listeners, If I remember correctly I told James only yesterday the government wasn't real. It seems he doesn't believe me. Oh well.

He’s still waiting for an answer. He’s staring at me, this is why I avoid human interaction. He has these weird blue eyes. And he only has two eyes too. all of my minions, except Number 3 have more than two eyes, though I don’t know why. Number 3 has two eyes but he's blind. I have two eyes too, but I have access to at least a few dozen at any given time so I don't really count. He's still staring. This is weird. How do I tell someone I don't want to tell them. Ah he's groaning. Right, he can hear me. I am so not used to talking to people face to face.

Anyway. Time to start the experiment!

All volunteers are placed over by the chemistry slash toxicology area. None of them know what the experiment is, which is entirely their fault. minions 2, 4 and 5 were actually hand picked by me because they never listen when I tell them important stuff, like:" If you're listening right now, you can go home early tonight".

Now number 2 and 5 are looking at me grumpily while 4 is signing "ha ha.” Sorry 4, I needed at least three Minions.

Alright listeners, today were testing a new defence system which I have installed in some of our most commonly used artillery.

As I've mentioned before, agents rarely ever bring back the equipment we build for them, which is a shame because most of it are prototypes.

James is frowning at me, like he always brings back his equipment. I happen to know he didn’t return a single thing from his past four missions. Now he’s frowning even more. Hm.

The system we’re testing today is a feature designed to improve the shooting ability of the agent the gun was designated to, and only them.

If you'll remember I mentioned our new palm print encoded hand gun in last weeks fun facts children's science corner, right between a brief explanation on the planets of our solar system and the sociology of blue whales.

While the guns we are testing today aren’t equipped with the encoded palm print, they have been upgraded with the feature that allows the agents to hit more precise. Since only only one of the minions present today is proficient in shooting guns of this category, we will compare the aim of Minion 5 and James with  Minion 2 and Minion 4, who usually work in chemistry and are thus more proficient in hand to hand combat and poetry.

I will now give each volunteer an upgraded Walther P99. They will shoot the target until the clip runs out. Then we will count the missed shots and put the results in the protocol. Remember kids: The difference between screwing around and science is writing stuff down. Then we will repeat the sequence, take a quick break and then repeat the sequence again to erase any errors that might occur in the system. Until the experiment is finished I will be off the air to spare you the noise. Alright Minions and James, you heard me. Go."

***

James aimed, exhaled and pulled the trigger. Perfect hit. He aimed and shot again until there were no bullets left. All perfect hits. He reloaded his handgun, an action he could, evidently, do in his sleep. He raised his gun again and emptied the clip into his human shaped target, which was now missing a good chunk of paper brain and heart.

"Nicely done" someone said behind him. The radio host slash scientist had sneaked up on him, presumably during the gunfire, otherwise Bond would have heard him. Or at least he was pretty sure he would have. James put down the weapon on a nearby desk. "Thanks. It comes with the job"

He meant it. He knew he didn’t actually do much good, though his actions usually had consequences that were better than those that would have occurred if he hadn’t intervened. He was still good at what he did.

The radio host put his head to one side "I imagined it would. Would you mind and stop calling me radio host in your head? It’s really quite irritating."

James chocked on air. "You can read my mind?"

The radio host laugh was quite beautiful and James couldn't stop himself from thinking that, if he hadn't sworn off romance after Vesper, he'd have given the radio host a shot, albeit still not know his name. He then immediately shunned himself, feeling childish for his sudden affection for a man he barely knew.

The radio host had recovered from his outburst. "Although I technically could read you mind, because I work with the secret police, I can’t right now. I don’t need to, to know what you have dubbed me. I’m good at reading people. It’s one of the few useful things I learned from my brothers. But to get back to your original question; you may call me Q. Just please stop with the “radio host”."

James smiled one of his rare smiles and lowered his head in a mock bow. "Alright then Q, pleased to make your acquaintance." Q nodded dignified and answered lightly:" You as well James Bond." "Now that we’re no longer strangers may I ask you some questions Q, or am I being too forward?" Q rolled his eyes:"Of course. You may ask me anything you'd like"

"And would you answer me if I asked?"

Q smiled at him cheekily. "Not necessarily. But you can certainly try."

"Thats more than I expected, so I won't complain."

"How very generous of you."Q answered deadpan.

The corner of James mouth twitched. "May I invite you for a late dinner, then? That’ll give me more time to ask questions you won’t have to answer."

"Fine. I'll find you. Now, get back to shooting, break is over and you still have one more sequence to complete." James only smiled and went to pick up his gun.

***

In the end James decided to go to “big Rico’s pizza”for dinner. He wasn't actually hungry and he didn't know any restaurants in the area anyways. Also this was the one the radio host - Q - had mentioned on the radio. He chose a table close to the door, but not by the window - a habit he didn’t hope to break anytime soon - and ordered a soda.

Ten minuted later the bell above the door rang and Q came in, carrying a suitcase that looked like it came straight out of a movie set in the 1920's.

James expression just have mirrored his thoughts, because as soon as Q sat down he began smiling again. He had a very pretty smile. "The suitcase is actually not that old James. I bought it just a few months back."

"I would have thought they stopped making those after World War 2."

Q’s smile turned mischievous. "Oh absolutely. But you know what they say - Time is relative." "Of course it is" James muttered and took a sip from his large Coca Cola. At this point he was very sure that nothing could startle him anymore.

Q’s expression grew serious. "No, really. There's a black hole just below the market place in the abandoned tunnels, so time there is passing much slower."

James shrugged. Honestly, what had he expected. "So, why do you carry a suitcase around?"

"To keep my stuff in it. Well I say stuff. it's actually just a teleporter to Q-branch, so I carry it around in case I need to go back." Q answered lightly.

"There's a mobile teleport station in your suitcase, which you bought a few months back but also in 1920. "

"Yes. Although when you phrase it like that it does sound rather absurd."Q mused. "But I believe you had a few questions?"

"You have no idea" James answered honestly, still eyeing the suitcase. A few didn’t even remotely cut it. "You know I’m an Agent, you know I’m looking for the Quartermaster and you know the Quartermaster."

Q nodded thrice. "And your question is?"

"How?"

"I told you I had agents didn’t I? I even showed you."

James cocked an eyebrow in question "Your minions?"

"They’re my interns. The hooded figures, you know, from the dog park work as my agents. And some Erikas, when they feel like it."

James frowned.

"You know. The angels which don’t exist?"

"I thought no one is to refer to the angels, or hooded figures for that matter. It said so on the sign. "

"Of course," Q smirked "but it also says in very fine script just underneath that that government officials are exempt from that rule."

"You do work for the government then?"

"Of course not, I told you the government didn't actually exist. I am the government. Although it took me a whole three weeks to eradicate the existing government without anyone noticing" "And you’re the head of the scientific community? and the only radio host in town? It seems you are a busy man Q"

"Busy? Yes. Efficient? Also yes. Why do you think they want me back?"

"Who?"

"MI6 of course. I used to work for them but I'm currently taking a sabbatical. Well, I call it a sabbatical, they call it Missing."

"You know the Quartermaster from your work at 6 then?"

"Hm, I suppose you could say that."  Q leaned forward and folded his hands under his chin "Tell me James. What do you want with the quartermaster?"

"As you've pointed out so cleverly on the radio I dont want anything from him. But I suppose MI6 might want their employee back."

Q leaned back again and began to rock back and forth on his chair’s hind legs. "I guess that’s a valid point. I never did resign properly after all," He mused.

"Q is short for Quartermaster then?"

"Of course. I told you I’d never tell you my name. I dont think anyone still uses it, except for Mummy of course...” he trailed of.

“I have to say, I had my suspicions Q”

“ Shall we go then? We can take some pizza if you'd like."

"I’m not actually hungry. I havn’t been hungry or tired or thirsty since I arrived."

"Ah yes, thats Nightvale for you, " Q said offhandedly. "Alright then. Let’s head to that car of yours. Wonderfull piece of machinery."

"Why, thank you Q"

"Especially the various extra features of course. There are quite a bit. Or so they tell me"

"You won't stop saying that in the near future, are you?" James asked with a smile on his lips.

"Not in a million lifetimes." Q chipped easily. "Now, James. I don’t think I've properly introduced myself. I'm your new Quartermaster."

[afterspark-podcast]

G1 Episode 30: Transcript

Episode Show Notes

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

S: Black, like it’s-

O: Yes, it's completely black. Like straight fucking coffee. It is the sludge from hell.

[Intro Music]

O: Hello, welcome to the Afterspark Podcast, an episode by episode recap of the Generation 1 Transformers cartoon.  I'm Owls!

S: And I'm Specs.

O: And today we're gonna be talking about episode number 30: Day of the Machines! Let's talk about giant robots today, shall we?

S: Yeah.

O: [Laughter] We start with, of course: Midnight, Quantum Laboratories, home of America's most  secret  inventions.

S: A security guard finds some um, “misplaced” items- ah, some very familiar misplaced items. [Laughter] Oh-

O: Hi, Soundwave! So the guard picks up- a picks up Soundwave along with a box and a guitar case and takes them to the Lost and Found.

S: It looked like it was in someone's office. Sooooo, why does the security guard uh, take it to Lost and Found? Why does he even do that? I mean, he says something about the absent-minded professor being at it again. Um, does this mean he just does this with anything that's left in people's offices? 

O: He is like the most passive-aggressive security guard ever. [Laughter] (Or whatever he is.) Because, like, oh that would be super annoying every time you come in it's like, where- where's my office plant? I guess, you know, Roger took it back to the lost and found cuz Roger is a jerk.

S: Yeah.

O: [Laughter]

S: Laserbeak and Soundwave transform and uh, Soundwave tosses a key to Laserbeak, telling him to release Megatron.

O: And, oh my god, Megatron’s in the frickin’ guitar case. Why didn't he just transform instead of them unlocking it? Why do they care about the structural integrity of this random guitar case?

S: Maybe it would be uncomfortable to transform and burst out of it? It’s- I don't know. 

O: Okay, so Megatron doesn't like being uncomfortable. Is that why he was in a plush guitar case?

S: Obviously. 

O: [Laughter] He’s gotta ride in comfort!

S: Once Megatron's free Soundwave grabs the box and Megatron blasts the Lost and Found, uh, door?-

O: Gate.

S: Gate-

O: They were like in a kind of gated, like, a clear fence area if that makes sense.

S: Yeah. 

O: Chain-link fence, that’s the word I’m looking for, sorry.

S: Yeah- Megatron blasts the a- chain-link entrance to the Lost and Found with his fusion cannon.

O: And yet the guitar case will survive this! It just gets left behind.

S: That's a lot of attention to detail for something that does not matter at all.

O: [Laughter] Right?! Megatron and Soundwave then subvert some tanks by flying over them undetected.

S: You know, in the gentle glow of the moonlight.

O: I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on the whole “Megatron being somewhat subtle” here thing.

S: It's Megatron, what can you do? 

O: [Snicker] 

S: So Megatron, uh, blasts a hole in the roof of the building that they land on. 

O: Well, okay, subtle for  him. [Laughter] We are then introduced to the most powerful computer on earth, TORQ III.

S: This implies the existence of TORQs I and II, so what happened to them? For that matter, why is it Decepticon-scaled?

O: No one knows, although I do love the image of TORQ I and II being shoved into, like, a broom closet somewhere. Probably rather glad they're in that broom closet, considering what happens to TORQ III after this.

S: Yeah. 

O: So, Megatron then... reprograms TORQ III to serve only  him  by using this really phallic looking thing that comes out of his helm. 

S: It's a literal mind fuck, guys. 

O: Literally! That looks like that is what is happening! 

S: Yes! 

O: Very, very much! [Laughter]

S: Yes, like you weren’t watching that bit when we scripted this and then I threw it out and then when we rewatched it and you were like, “Eeeaaaurgh!” 

O: Yeah, I was like, “Okay sure, mind fuck,” cuz I'm like looking down and typing and then I look up, when I had to rewind for some reason and I was like, “Oh my god!” [Laughter] And she’s like, “Yeah, that’s why I said it!” I’m like, I wasn’t looking. [Laughter] Well, that image will never leave my head. Great! 

S: And now it's in yours! 

O: [Laughter] Or it will be! We have screenshots. Anyway, TORQ begins blaring, “Illegal access! Illegal access!” 

S: Oh, that brings to mind so many bad things.

O: Yeah, it does! Yikes!

S: “It certainly is,” Megatron replies.

O: It's amazing. I love it.  [dissolves into laughter]

S: Oh god, the computers’ screen-face-thing is purple, so what were these people thinking? This is like Decepticon catnip. Did they hear it was purple and decided they needed to have it, in addition to it being the most powerful computer?

O: No,  Megatron  heard it was purple and decided they needed- needed to have it. [Laughter]

S: He would. So, Megatron, being himself, procedes to program it with his personality because what could be better? More of him! 

O: Okay, bu- but why does sticking his head-dick into the computer make it into a copy of him? I have so many questions right now, the first of which is, why would this be a good idea?! Did Megatron just forget he's a complete total bastard who doesn't like authority? 

S: Obviously, there's no one better than him so…

O: That's fine and dandy until the thing tries to rebel against you and, I'm like, it’s you, of course it's going to. 

S: It's a blind spot he has.

O: Obviously. Soundwave and Megatron, then open the box they had brought in with them, and put the microchips inside onto these really strange looking robots around the lab TORQ is in. 

S: Yeah, yeah, I mean what possible applications these robots have? How do they function? One’s got noodly arms that don't even- that they don't nearly seem like they should be able to lift anything. And they're all just sort of scattered around the lab higgledy-piggledy. 

O: Yeah.

S: In a line?  Or something, I don’t know.

O: It's weird. 

S: Once the microchips, apparently called ‘circuit linkers’, touch the other robots TORQ can control them.

O: He then uses Soundwave for target practice. Another lovely character for my shit list, apparently.

S: Owls is developing quite a shit list.

O: I am! I've got my hit list. The funny thing is there will be several that will die. Foreshadowing for the movie.

S: [Laughter]

Unfortunately, characters I actually like will die so I don't really think that gets me, you know, anything, honestly.

S: [Laughter] There's no net gains there.

O: There’s no net gains here.

S: And so, elsewhere, two scientists are working super late, wondering if they made TORQ- TORQ III even though it's not specified here- you know, too smart.

O: And TORQ could control the whole world, uh, whatever would we do if the wrong person got ahold of him, uh, you know, so, you mean, like right now, this very second! 

S: Ah, one of the scientists notices that it's, you know, fucking after midnight and says they should go home and get some sleep.

O: He says “we.” Are the scientists  lovers? 

S: It's possible. Maybe they're married? 

O: It’s getting spicy tonight, baby. Welcome to Dr. Love’s laboratory! And so as he turns to leave- or as one of the scientists turns to leave, the robot controlled door closes and locks them in. When they go to call maintenance, TORQ tells them that maintenance can't help them. 

S: This is why robot doors are bad, guys. 

O: Or, not having a secondary method in which to exit, at least, is very bad.

S: Yeah, the other scientist um, starts for rebuild- rebuilding his, ah, little TV phone into something that can call long distance in order to call for help because, I guess, TORQ does not control the phone lines. 

O: Or won't, if he rebuilds it? 

S: I guess? I don’t know. Elsewhere, by dawn's morning light, Megatron, Rumble, and Frenzy are flying around, putting more of the control chips onto some oil tankers because that's how that works, I guess?

O: Di- did you know oil tankers come in fleets, Specs? 

S: It seems like so much wasted effort went into the shot. They clearly drew all of these ships individually. 

O: Ah, the days before digital animation and coloring, I think.

S: But they could have just Xeroxed one of them and been done-

O: [Laughter] Or even traced! Maybe, I guess.

S: I mean, look at 101 Dalmatians, they did fuckin Xerox-

O: That’s true-

S: So many Xeroxed dalmatians-

O: Shit, that's right, there are a ton of Xeroxed dogs. [Laughter] Elsewhere, at the Ark, Teletraan warns Optimus that there's skullduggery afoot!

S: A bunch of oil tankers are converging near the Decepticon base which- is in the middle of the ocean? 

O: In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, according to this map. To which I have to ask, how the hell did Carly get in there a few episodes back? 

S: She chartered a plane, a train, and an automobile, and then teeny-weeny little boat.

O: Well, while I do certainly think Carly is capable of that, considering she's badass. I refuse to believe this map is accurate and they have to be in the Pacific Ocean. It just seems too close to the Autobot base in other episodes not to be. If, regardless, if they drove all the way to Washington DC no problem in that one episode. Either that or the platform isn't built on top of their base as the dialogue seems to imply and it's just, you know, one of their bases of the week. 

S: Which they do seem to have so many of those.

O: They do have a lot of those. 

S: Yeah and so, well, Optimus smells a rat named Megatron.

O: I mean, he's not wrong.

S: He really isn't and, uh, so Quantum Labs is finally able to get a hold of Optimus, I think, through Teletraan. I don't remember. 

O: Yeah, I mean, Teletraan 1 basically operates as their phone so-

S: Yeah.

O: -Yes.

S: Yeah. So, the scientists at Quantum Labs warns them about TORQ's sudden case of the evils.

O: And Optimus is ready to head towards the Lab. Hound offers to investigate the oil tankers all converging in the middle of the goddamn Atlantic Ocean.

S: You're not a boat, Hound. You're really not. 

O: It's ok, Skyfire’s gonna come. Skyfire and Spike. [Laughter] You know, the dream team! 

S: Optimus transforms and, um, Wheeljack, Prowl, Sideswipe, and Ironhide are suddenly right there! Right there! Where the hell did those guys come from? 

O: Through the power of camera angles they were there the whole time. 

S: Prime's group arrives at the Labs and Optimus rips the crossing barrier off so they can enter before, you know, being shot at by, you know, the robots. Or tanks?

O: They are attacked by all the tanks from before, that apparently don't have any humans controlling them.

S: Oh, oh so that's why they were so useless earlier.

O: Oh, yeah, probably. 

S: The Autobots are surrounded by this plethora of vehicles as Optimus channels Charlie Brown, “Good grief!”

O: Or Jotaro from JoJo's Strange Adv- Bizarre Adventure.

S: Yeah, Being cars themselves, they got the brilliant idea to, um, shoot out the tires on the attacking vehicles.

O: This only gets them so far, so Optimus Prime speed dials the Dinobots by pressing his abs.

S: Ah, ab cell-phone service. 

O: I mean, it was the 80’s. I mean, why not make the cell phone your entire ab if it's got to be huge? Might as well, right? I mean, at least, you save a little space, but that being said you would think it’s in his helmet considering the little antenna a few episodes back. But continuity? What's that?

S: And I’m just imagining someone going up and knocking on your grill while in truck mode.

O: [Laughter] “Optimus Prime call Dinobots! Dinobots smash gas station!” [Laughter] “Wait, no!”

S: So Peter Cullen talks to himself for a few lines and the Dinobots arrived with Grimlock in the lead.

O: Good thing Peter Cullen only does Prime and Ironhide because if we had to say that- if we said that joke for every time Welker talked to himself it would be absurd.

S: We'd be here all day.

O: We would be here all day! 

S: Optimus orders the Dinobots to smash here-

O: Which, obviously, being Dinobots they comply, there is much mayhem and explosions.

S: Yep. So, apparently, the doors are controlled by a computer but not the windows because the two scientists are able to shout to the Autobots from their open window.

O: I also am laughing because a lot of like ah, multi-story buildings that are, like, work places you can't even open the windows.

S: Especially now. You might have been able to in the ‘80’s.

O: Yeah. 

S: But, uh- but, uh-

O: Definitely be a question because probably not every place had AC either. 

S: Yeah.

O: So I imagine it would have been more common. Sludge gives Optimus a lift to the window and he helps the two scientists escape.

S: Optimus asks a question and then um, answers it himself with, you know, the answer, of course, being Megatron.

O: He's basically, like, a machine rebellion!

S: The scientists are confused as TORQ shouldn't be able to control things that aren't, you know, specifically designed for it. Then Sparkplug shows up to explain about the chips the Decepticons have been using them. Um.

O: Where did he come from? Why are characters poofing into existence so much in this episode? 

S: The power of convenience. 

O: The power of convenience. Optimus then takes the chip from Sparkplug and sticks it into his arm. 

S: Optimus, why would you do that? It's controlled everything else it's touched just by touching it.

O: But not him, apparently. The Autobots are led to TORQ’s hangar but the door is locked.

S: To quote Optimus, “Thankfully, I have a delicate lock-picking technique.”

O: That technique is blasting the door- [Laughter] 

S: And- 

O: Let it never be said that Optimus doesn't have a sense of humor.

S: Oh, oh god, he definitely has a sense of humor. 

O: It's just dad humor. 

S: Yeah, and so the Autobots are attacked by those funky looking machines that we saw earlier before we jet on over to Skyfire and company.

O: Apparently the Decepticons plan is to collect all the oil from the tankers and pump it down to their base but, oh no, the oil platform is protected by an unbreakable shield.

S: We've seen that one before. 

O: How the heck didn’t the Autobots see the Cons building this giant freaking platform in the middle of the fucking ocean!

S: They're just not paying attention to the goddamn oceans, I don't know.

O: The Sky Spy, you have Sky Spies! 

S: Yep, they land on one of the tankers. Hound and Spike exiting from Skyfire’s crotch hatch.

O: Of course.

S: They ask the captain to hide them so they can get, you know, through the shield and surprise the Decepticons. 

O: Hide him how? Skyfire is  huge!  How are they going to hide him? 

S: Mass-shifting? I don't know, somehow it works.

O: And at the boat docks, Megatron's supervising personally, for some reason, along with an incorrectly coloured Hook.

S: As the ship approaches, Hound and Skyfire jump out of a conveniently sized hole that was just on the ship's deck. I guess it's um, a hold or something? I don't know.

O: Yeah, but it was really large. Like, large enough for Skyfire to get into. I have no idea how realistic that is. And then a fight breaks out! Soundwave and some of his cassettes joining the fray as well and our dead-weight- I mean, Spike, is captured by Laserbeak pretty much immediately.

S: Yep. Megatron tells them to surrender or he'll have Laserbeak drop- drop Spike. 

O: [Sarcasm] Oh no.

S: Soundwave is standing off in the background like the strong, independent tape deck he is.

O: And, back at the lab, more of those crazy machines come out of the hole Prime blasted and attack.

S: Again, what were these made for? They seem, um, perfect for hunting Autobots. Optimus, were your friends planning on doing bad things to you?

O: Quite possibly. About those bad things, Optimus is captured by the kink machine- I mean, the bondage machine- oh, I mean, the one with the tentacles. [Laughter]

S: [Laughter] 

O: I’m serious, what else is that thing supposed to be for? Like, maybe that's what they were doing? Were they making a giant bondage machine for the Autobots? [Laughter] 

S: [Silent laughter]

O: I broke Specs, yay! [Laughter] I’m sorry!

S: Prowl can lift as he struggles to hold one of the robot’s mouths open, so it doesn't, like, crush him.

O: But then Ironhide just walks up to his opponent, plugs a hole with his finger and then it explodes. Welcome to the Looney Tunes, starring the Autobots. 

S: [Laughter] Sideswipe just makes his clap and that kills it.

O: [Laughter] Of course. So after, you know, um, all of that, they finally enter the hangar to find a maze.

S: Who designed this place?

O: I think TORQ’s done some redecorating overnight. He has had an army of, like, robo slaves at his disposal.

S: The funky-ass robots.

O: [Laughter] Kinkmatron. 

S: [Laughter] 

O: That’s it’s name now, no one can stop me! Optimus enters alone, uh, before we cut back to Skyfire, Hound, and Spike, who are in the Decepticon brig. 

S: When the Decepticons catch naughty Autobots, they go in the naughty Autobot hole. 

O: Dare I ask what that means for Spike? [Laughter]

S: [Laughter] God, there is a really terrible pun there. 

O: [Laughter] Yeah, there probably is!

S: God, I am not going into that. 

O: [Laughter] Nope, nope, we’ve talked about kink machines multiple times, I don’t want to get into anything else tonight!

S: Spike and his compatriots are trapped and waiting for rescue but, don't worry, Spike has a plan!

O: I feel like it's only fair, they're stuck there because of Spike in the first place. He should have a plan. 

S: Well, considering what his plan is, he was the only damn one who can carry out.

O: True. 

S: TORQ- Well, back with Optimus, TORQ continues to bait Optimus as, you know, our dad-bot makes his way through the maze and evil robots.

O: Optimus gets another circuit breaker- that wasn’t what it was called. 

S: Circuit linker-

O: -Circuit linker put on him and this controls him. [Laughter] You know, “controls him.”

S: I guess we should assume Sparkplug or Wheeljack disabled the other one, um…?

O: That makes sense. Although I- hmmm. So through this entire section, right, I was comparing TORQ’s dialogue to Megatron. You know, since Megs programmed his personality into this computer. You know, everything seems spot-on, I can hear Megatron saying all of this but then when TORQ captures Optimus he says, “Come to me, my pet,” and I have to admit it sounds like what Megatron would say in this situation, and I basically fucking lost it while we were watching it. But to make this even better! He says, “You're mine now,” two seconds later. Apparently, Megatron's thirst for Optimus transferred over, too! 

S: Yeah. Surprise! Optimus has been pretending to be controlled the entire time.

O: Of course! 

S: And that broken- broken circuit linker he had earlier was, in fact, there for a reason. He swapped it with the active one.

O: How he managed to do that without touching the live one is debatable but alright.

S: I don't have the time or energy to debate it so-

O: [Laughter] Fair.

S: Let's not. TORQ orders his robots to destroy Optimus but one well-placed punch by, you know, the Dad-bot makes TORQ explode.

O: Ding-dong, the TORQ is dead. 

S: TORQ I and II are probably very grateful.

O: [Laughter] I mean, TORQ III seems like a bastard. Certainly was a bastard there at the end.  Soundwave warns Megatron that TORQ is no longer in control of the tankers but Megs’ will control them with his radio transmitter he's conveniently holding.

S: Does it come with a funky hat?

O: We could only hope but, sadly, no.

S: Yeah. The scientists send Optimus and company off on, like, a super-fast boat. I think it's a hydrofoil, I don't know, as they head towards the Decepticons location. So, apparently, they were close to the coast.

O: Apparently. With Sparkplug driving, by the way. 

S: Oh, Sparkplug, most interesting man in the world. He knows how to do everything! He's been a ruby miner, an oil driller, a mechanic, boat captain, everything! 

O: Autobot liaison?

S: Yeah.

O: And back into the brig, uh, Spike has conveniently found an electromagnet just lying around.

S: I'm starting to think this isn't so much their brig, as it is their trash-pile room. 

O: Not to mention what the fuck they were using an electromagnet for or how.

S: I don't know. God, ygm Spike uses the electromagnet to magnetize the cassettes standing by the door to the walls- magnetize their guards.

O: Yes, essentially.  With the cassettes incapacitated, Skyfire burst the door down- bust the door down. I know what I'm saying. 

S: And through a five-second interlude we are told the Autobots in the boat are within sight, as Soundwave spots them.

O: But Megatron's not worried, they'll never get that shield, right? 

S: Jetfire, Hound, and Spike find the shield generator uh, so helpfully being guarded by Frenzy. 

O: Skyfire lures Frenzy away as Hound shoots the generator with one of his missiles. 

S: How did Hound get his ammo back? Because I'm pretty sure they were disarmed.

O: Shhh! They don't want you to think about it, they didn't, either. 

S: Well, that's true. The shield goes down just as the other Autobots arrive and, ah, you'll never guess how they do! The boat yeets itself out of the water and onto the platform and it’s horrifyingly entertaining cuz I keep imagining that the boat is gonna break.

O: Right? Another fight breaks out with Starscream, Laserbeak, and Frenzy joining Megatron and Soundwave.

S: And Megatron runs away and Optimus follows to destroy the radio transmitter.

O: Once destroyed, Optimus tells the tankers they're free to go. 

S: Megatron, you know, being a sore loser sets the whole platform to explode. 

O: The other Bots make it back to the boat but Prime runs to go find Skyfire and the others who who they presumably know are on there, for some reason? 

S: I mean, I think-

O: I mean, it's not the worst assumption to make but, I'm like, did they see them? I don't think they did.

S: I mean, they talked to one of the tanker captains? I don't know. 

O: I don’t know if they… They wouldn’t have had time. I- I'm gonna go with maybe they've all got GPS on them or something and roll with that, probably.

S: Yeah. So they all make it out on Skyfire once he's able to get, you know, out of the platform. 

O: And take off.

S: Yeah.

O: One of the scientists thanks the bots for their help and makes a rather unfortunate comment about unreliable machines.

S: [Sigh] 

O: You know, eating that entire foot.

S: Yeah, and he attempts to make a recovery but it's not really successful.

O: It isn’t very good.

S: And that's it! That's the end of the episode. Oh, but they brought the boat back to where it was from originally.

O: I mean, good for them for not exploding the boat, that was helpfully lent into them, I suppose. 

S: Yeah.

O: But join us next time for everyone's favorite holiday: Autobot Day! Wait... wait... no? Do we mean: Decepticon Day?

S: [Sigh] Parades.

O: [Laughter]

S: There are parades. 

O: Parades and I think this is a multi-parter, if I’m remembering properly?

S: Yep.

O: Cause, I think it's like Megatron’s Master Plan?

S: Yeah, I’m pretty sure that's what it is. 

O: It's a multi-parts-

S: It’s two parts, I’m pretty sure. And we have fanfiction recommendations. Due to the fact that I've been swamped, I didn't come up with any so Owls has supplied our fanfiction recommendations for today.

O: Wild-card fics yet again. These had nothing to do with the episode. All right, um, so I have picked two for today. The first one is “Cuck Rung” by… I think this is said, Evedawalrus.

S: Yeah, I think that’s what it is.

O: I think that’s accurate. I can’t remember what her username is on Tumblr but, um, it is IDW continuity, it is rated T. It's technically slash but let me tell you all the slash is relatively background, for the most part, and where it's really not the main focus but it has, um, Minimus Ambus/Megatron and uh, Drift/Ratchet. Our main characters, there are more than this that have popped up since, but our main characters are Rodimus, Ultra Magnus, Drift, Ratchet, Swerve, Megatron, and Ravage. 

O: Our description is: Rodimus creates a shipwide group chat. This proves to be a horrible decision. It is ongoing, it's not complete, it is multi-chapter and, let me tell you, it is hilarious. I laugh my ass off every time I read this. Um, because it is literally just a group chat with all of these characters and think of it very much like a discord where you have certain people who can, like, rename others and all this other shit. It's amazing, I highly recommend it. [Laughter]

And our second one is a “Shimmer of Hope” by NiCad? [Pronounced ny-cad]

S: Ny-cad? Nee-cad?

O: One of those.

S: The pronunciation’s debatable. 

O: Thank you, Internet! It is IDW, it's rated T, it’s Gen, uh, there are no pairings, and our characters are Verity and Springer. The summary is, “What did Verity write in that thank you card to Springer, anyway?” It's a one shot. I believe this is after- it's the last of the Wreckers trilogy from the IDW comics.

S: Requiem for the Wreckers, maybe?

O: I think that one. Uh, this is right after that. It's pretty short but, um, I really like Verity so I'm like Verity needs to be in more things, so those are our recommendations for today.

S:  And that just about wraps it up for us today, remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links, we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word).  And various other locations by searching for Afterspark…. Podcast- [Laughter]

O: [Laughter]

S: You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word).  And various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast, such as AO3, iTunes, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, and Youtube, just to name a few.  

O: Ah, feel free to send us questions on Tumblr, too. We actually, you know, have to do a mic check before we do any recording so, ah, it’s helpful for us. I have a list of questions but we're gonna run out eventually and I don't think I should be left to think of questions by myself. If you have a question about Transformers or whatever, feel free to send it to us on Tumblr and we'll probably use it for a warm-up and I'll try to answer it on Tumblr, too. 

S: Yeah or, I guess, in the comments on AO3, Youtube.

O: Yep, that also works comments on AO3, Youtube  Basically anywhere we respond back to which is mostly Youtube and AO3.

S: Yeah, uh, so till next time, guys! I'm Specs!

O: And I’m Owls!

S: Toodles!

 [Outro Music]

[kayla102493563]

Week 4: Digital Community and Fandom: Reality TV Case Study

Reality television can be defined as a genre of programming to demonstrate the unscripted actions of everyday people (Allen 2017). However, it’s come to light that reality tv isn’t all that real. Whether the people on the show are given a script, or the producers edit the show to perceive it in a certain way. Audiences are made to believe that what they are consuming is real and represents social reality (Stiernstedt & Jakobsson 2016). This makes me question if reality tv being fake is a bad thing or not.  

I have been watching this season of Married at First sight Australia (MAFS) and there is clear evidence of bad editing. The TikTok link below displays how poor the editing is and how the producers want people to convey certain things. I also question the authenticity of MAFS when someone is speaking, and they cut to a reaction of another contestant and wonder if that’s their true reaction or if the producers have gotten that clip from somewhere else. Audiences are in fact aware that Reality TV is far from authentic but deliberately suspends disbelief to indulge in something of a “guilty pleasure’ (L’Hoiry 2019). Viewers love drama which is what this genre is all about. Drama releases the chemical dopamine (Rodrigues 2021) which may be why reality tv is so addictive.  

Within the last week, a shocking scandal took place on MAFS between the contestants as Olivia Frazer shared an OnlyFan photo of Dominica. This sparked an intense discussion online and even resulted in physical actions by creating petitions against Olivia. Audience engagement has skyrocketed due to social media (L’Hoiry 2019). This increase allows viewers to share their opinions providing the show with feedback and audiences getting a deeper insight into the people on the shows. MAFS turned the comments off on certain Instagram posts, especially with features of Olivia Frazer. I found after each episode, there are hundreds of photos, videos, memes and comments across all social media platforms discussing the latest events. I also noticed people who haven’t viewed the show have something to say.  

tiktok.com/@fitzyandwippa/video/7074703680406162689?is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1&q=married%20at%20first%20sight%20australia%202022%20bad%20editing&t=1649129161240

TikTok link highlighting the editing on MAFS. 

Reference: 

L Rodrigues, 2021 “Complain about MAFS drama but can’t stop watching? There’s a psychological reason why’ The latch. https://thelatch.com.au/why-is-reality-tv-so-addictive-mafs/#:~:text=As%20previously%20reported%20on%20The,sometimes%20pesky)%20chemical%20%E2%80%94%20dopamine.

L'Hoiry, X. (2019) 'Love Island, social media, and sousveillance : new pathways of challenging realism in reality TV'. Frontiers in Sociology, 4. 59:

Todd Graham and Auli Hajru ‘Reality TV as a trigger of everyday political talk in the net-based public sphere’ Reality TV as a trigger of everyday political talk in the net-based public sphere, European Journal of Communication 26(1) 18–32, 2011.

M, Watson 2021 ‘Why are people so embarrassed to say they love reality tv?’, ABC.  

https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/why-are-people-embarrassed-to-love-reality-tv/100186256

[greyeyedbelle-blog]

So this is part-Illegal Allies, meets revolutionaries, meets Welcome to Night Vale. It’s weird, but I hope it’s okay.

It’s all Ben’s idea.

When the whispers of “The Syndicate” stop being whispers. When the fight is taken to the streets. When no one—not the gangs that run the area, not the higher-ups, and certainly not innocent people—is safe.

When all of it happens, Jones wants to close ranks. He goes to sleep at night with visions of the day’s horrors on a loop, Every dead body on the news looks like the face of one of his crew. He considers pulling out entirely; they can make a new life in another city, somewhere far beyond The Syndicate’s reach.

It’s Ben who convinces him to stop. They don’t need to close ranks, he argues. If they come together and hide, they just become sitting ducks to take out at some mundane location.

No, he argues. What they need to do is open the ranks. Because The Syndicate had made it clear that this is a war.

And every war needs allies.

All of their roles had been flipped around since they had gotten started. Huber and Brad, usually muscle and weaponry, respectively, suddenly become recruiters. Brad has an eye for the people who would be all in, who aren’t susceptible to running away at the first sign of trouble. After he identifies them, Huber brings them into the fold. It turns out his true talent lies in inspiring loyalty.

Blood and Damiani become spymasters, Blood in the flesh and Damiani on the web. Blood skirts around the edges of different groups, getting little snippets of information from his vast net of informants. Damiani leads a group of hackers and chases down every rumor and possibility on the internet. His job becomes so dangerous they move him, briefly, out to Texas, just to get away from the heat.

Don is rarely even seen anymore. He flits back and forth between different gangs and crews, somehow a member of all of them. That used to be a contentious position, back when they were fighting each other, but now they all have a common enemy. He trades secrets, weapons, and people, moving them around like he’s seeing a full chessboard.

Ian continues to be their grifter (it’s where their true talents lie), but their actions take on a different edge. They move from the distraction, the inside man, to a liaison to innocent people—those who don’t want to take part in the war but have been targeted all the same. Every now and then, Ian disappears for a few days. When they reappear, it’s with a familiar blonde and a new cache of weapons. No one but Ian and Jones knows what they are doing, and no one asks.

Bosman…well, the less said about what Bosman is doing, the better.

Ben continues to be in charge of pyro, but also suddenly finds himself helping Jones mastermind. In the old days, Jones worked solo, making the plan for a heist and giving it to the group. Revolutions, they find, take a little more work.

And Jones? Well, his job is also suddenly a little different. Because every war needs allies, but every revolution needs a voice.

12:27 a.m. 1413 on the AM dial. The Cup of Jones radio show is just beginning.

Jones pours himself a fresh cup of coffee and makes sure he has the important data of the day fresh in mind. He has a basic script, but having to place anything in code last minute is a pain.

This, too, was Ben’s idea, though Jones suspects he got his inspiration from Harry Potter. When it became too hard to transmit information electronically without getting caught, they were at a loss. They couldn’t risk hand-delivering too many messages without all of their allies being discovered, and electronic messages were being hacked at a high rate.

So, Ben said, why not set up a code and use one thing they have going for them: Brandon’s voice.

It’s deceptively simple, really. He sounds like any other early morning radio show host- soothing voice, soft news reports, classic rock interspersed with the weirder stuff you can only get away with at 1 a.m.

And a word here and there that adds up a whole data briefing to the people who need it.

It’s hell to compile, and even worse to write, and it wouldn’t be possible without pulling Ben off the streets and into the planning side of things. But it works. My God, does it work.

Jones pulls his headphones on, makes sure the music in his queue is ready to go, takes a deep breath, and hopes.

After all, revolutions are built on hope.

Good early-morning, my friends.

In a house on the lower east end, fingers restlessly touch the dial. They are not expecting any news tonight, but they like to listen anyway. Makes them feel hopeful.

The weather for this beautiful day is looking a little cloudy, but with a chance of rain.

A few streets down, a man hears the weather report and texts a few buddies about a basketball game. By tomorrow, that cache of arms will be moved, and The Syndicate will be wondering if their information was wrong.

For the third song of the night, let’s slide in a little Blondie. And remember, folks, the request line is open.

A woman on the west side organizes a ladies’ night for the next evening. Six women will arrive at the club and dance with a large group of men. Five women will exit. The Syndicate will not know that a man at the top of their hit-list moved across town to a new safehouse.

News today from Munich…

There’s a brief argument about whether Munich refers to a trigger word or a location. With any luck, that crew will understand the need to pick up and move their families to a new location, possibly outside the city. The magnifying glass is a little too much in their direction for comfort.

And remember, folks, if you’re feeling down tonight, I’m here to help pick you up. The request line is open…

Somewhere in a hidden location across town, Kyle Bosman slips a line into a report that will go into the middle of a stack of reports on a desk. If he’s unlucky, the boss will find it unimportant and not bother at all. If he’s lucky, The Syndicate loses some of their best people and millions of dollars.

He struggles to make sure his earbuds are in well. He needs to hear the daily dose of Jones, even if he has no further instructions.

Being a double-agent is a lonelier job than he expected.

And here’s the last song, folks. This one goes out to Larry from Diana.

An older woman in a rocking chair listens to the first bars of the last song. She has insomnia and no idea that the program she’s listening to is concealing coded messages. Has no idea the chaos that will engulf the street the next day because the song is from Larry to Diana.

It is still a very nice song.

Morning light will come. A million little plans have been put into action.

Jones lifts his cup to the new day. Cheers.

[pendulumprince]

OMG, this must be a very weird ask but what do you think about Ignis(Ai) now? Just how sentient he is after we all saw that, um, robo-sex scene? How do AI know about this kind of stuff? Le gasp, can it be that our little eye saw someone doing it and wanted to repeat? If you don't feel comfortable about these questions then you don't have to answer!

Hey man, it’s a valid question. If we’re interpreting that moment as a sex scene then wondering how Ignis even knows about this shit it perfectly reasonable. 

Also, since I’m answering a question about a memetastic/humoerous moment seriously, let me just address this first: I don’t see how else this moment could be interpreted as anything other than a sex scene. We know that Ignis’s aim was to have Roboppy spring him from his Glass Case of Emotion, but what was the plan after that? Ignis is trapped in that duel disk because Yusaku specifically altered his programming so that he couldn’t escape. All the poking and prodding in the world wasn’t going to get him out. Those two wacky robots were doing that shit just because.

Now, getting to the question: we’ve got to remember, Ignis been on the run for five years, right? And in episode 3, we get this quote from him:

“I’ve been running around in the net for a while, so I know many things.”

“… running around in the net for a while, so I know many things.”

“… so I know many things.”

That said, you know what the net is full of? Porn. There’s porn everywhere. Imagine anything, anything at all, and someone’s made a porno of that shit. So it would only stand to reason that Ignis has watched porn.

But then, most people have! So I don’t count this as particularly alarming, mostly because for all his immaturity I don’t think Ignis is meant to be read as childlike. Given his intelligence and cunning, I would say that mentally he’s up there with the rest of the main cast. 

And it wouldn’t surprise me if he was curious about sex. It’s not as overt as with, say, Astral, but I don’t think Ignis fully ‘gets’ humanity yet. He knows a lot about people, but it seems like certain things haven’t clicked. He’s programed to calculate routes to success, whether that be in dueling or hiding out for five years; feelings cloud judgement, and are thus irrational. 

And sex, no matter what approach you take to it, is pretty emotionally charged (at least visually, given that most porn is scripted). Think about it from a machine’s POV: two human beings get together, and… take their clothes off? They touch each other and rub genitals? Make odd sounds?? It looks like it’s painful and yet they keep coming back for more??? It can result in anything from increased intimacy, to an STD, to trauma, to the creation of a new life. What is this strange thing?! Why would any human being willingly engage in it? It looks so uncomfortable, yet they’re so enthusiastic about it. 

You see what I’m getting at? What happened with Roboppy could have for sure been something Ignis saw somewhere and wanted to imitate, at least to figure out what the big deal is.

[awesomeprofitmc]

How to Make a WordPress Website That Attracts Quality Leads, Better Customers and More Sales for Your Small Business

Ever thought of designing your own website with wordpress?

Of course, there’s no doubt that hiring a professional to design your small business website has a lot of advantages. For one, technical stuff like website design can be extremely time consuming and involves a massive learning curve.

However, considering the importance of a website to your online business simply leaving it in someone else control is definitely counterproductive.

Just think about it, what would it be like if you have to constantly email someone else to make updates, changes, additions, etc to your business website?

This will not only bring delays and sometimes, limit your ability to be creative with whatever new ideas you have it could also get pretty expensive.

And so, learning to design your own website, even if it’s only the basics, is the best decision you could make as a business owner in today’s content driven business environment.

In this post I intend to guide you step by step through creating your own website in a matter of hours. It doesn’t matter if you know nothing about html and javascript or any of those programming languages or not.

Ok, I can see you are skeptical at the prospect of making your own website, right?

Well, it will interest you to know that I built my first website as far back as 2006. At the time I knew nothing about html or any of those web design languages. But having realized then the importance of a website to an online business, I went online to learn as much as I can.

After a prolonged and painful learning period I was able to setup my first website using the simple html coding skills I have learned and some web design templates which I downloaded free online. Now, that first website was nothing much. Updating it was also a pain in the neck!

However, in 2009 I got to know of wordpress, which is a blogging and web designing software. In all of these my html coding skills were limited; even up till now. However, what has fired up my interest in web design is my discovering of WordPress. And so, since 2012 I have been using WordPress for both my personal and my clients’ websites.

While in the recent past a lot of other web designing tools and software that can help even the technology-challenged person to design a website have flooded the market, wordpress has remained my best choice!

So, in this step by step guide I will show you how to design your own website using WordPress. You don’t have to worry about html or do you need to mess around with codes or CSS.

Ready? Then, let’s get started!

Recommended: A Simple Guide to Creating a Profitable and Popular Website, Even If This Is Your First!

What is Website Design?

Now, let’s start from the basics by understanding what a website is and what website design is all about.

Accordingly to Wikipedia.com,

A website is a collection of related webpages filled with data, media content, and often ecommerce options, all found at the same domain name.

The internet is a collection of millions of websites.

Website design on the other hand is a process of conceptualizing, planning, and building a collection of electronic files that determine the layout, colors, text styles, structure, graphics, images and use of interactive features that deliver pages to your site visitors. (Source)

To ensure that your website effectively perform its purpose each of these designing details must be taken into consideration.

Here’s an infographic by WebsiteMagazine.com why you should ensure that your website is carefully planned and built:

Infographic: Why People Leave Your Website

Types of Websites

Though many will want to divide websites into different groups depending on ownership and purpose, basically websites can be divided into two types namely static-content and dynamic-content sites. This is because whether the website is personal, informational, ecommerce, photo sharing, or a blogging site, they usually fall into these two types.

Static-Content Website: These types of websites use mainly HTML/CSS with just a little bit of javascript. They rarely change the way they look and behave when a visitor lands on them. Every page looks the same to every visitor. To edit these types of websites you will need mainly a WYSIWYG (What You See Is What You Get) HTML editing software.

These types of websites are suitable for “Online Brochure” websites, and for organizations that do not plan to change the content on their pages often.

Dynamic-Content Websites: These are websites that use a server-side scripting language (ColdFusion, Ruby-On-Rails, Perl, PHP, .Net, etc) in conjunction with HTML/CSS. The scripting language components generally interact with a database. The scripting language operates on the hosting server (thus “server-side script”), not on the user’s computer, like javascript does.

One feature of dynamic websites is that a visitor can input data on their pages, e.g. filling a form on the site, and the information will be stored in a database on the server. This way the visitor can create a user profile and personalize his/her experience on the site.

These are the types of websites that are usually referred to as “Web 2.0” sites. Examples of these types of sites are social media sites and blogs.

How Do You Make A Website?

Basically, if you want a website for your business, the options open to you include hiring someone to design and code it, or you have to do it yourself.

If you take the do-it-yourself route (which is what we want to do here) you can either look for a web designing software to create the web pages, or if you want to be really adventurous, use a plain text editor to create a site from scratch – just as I did when I started in 2006.

But I must say doing that today is like choosing to live in the 1820s!

So, let’s look at these two options:

i. Build it From Scratch

This means hand-coding all the functionality from scratch. But the truth is that website designers who choose this route usually turn to recycling modular code that they’ve created on past projects or utilize someone else’s modular code, which they then adapt to their projects. These are mainly called templates.

The disadvantages of building websites this way is that they are (1) time-consuming, (2) costly, and (3) can be difficult to maintain (since it is custom code that may not have embedded developer notes).

ii. Build it on a Framework

The second option is that instead of wasting time and effort in coding your site from scratch you can utilize proven (tested and debugged) code that serves as the foundation for a dynamic website. You simply leverage the code logic already available through the framework, to create and integrate dynamic functionality into your site.

There are a number of such website building frameworks available online. The most popular among these are Joomla, Magento, and WordPress. All of these are “CMS” websites.

Now, in between CMS platforms and built-from-scratch sites are IDE platforms, such as Ruby-On-Rails, Zend Framework, and cakePHP.

Advantages of using frameworks like these are:

(1) Rapid development of robust features.

(2) Adding new features is easy.

(3) Because the framework code is leveraged in your design it is very affordable.

(4) Your website is easy to maintain since it is built within a system that is widely known, and duplicated.

For simplicity and ease my recommendation is that you use frameworks whether you have coding knowledge or not. And my top recommended framework site is WordPress.

Recommended: User-Friendly Websites: A Basic Guide for Non-Techy Entrepreneurs

Why Use WordPress For Your Website Design?

By now you should be wondering what this WordPress is and why is it so special?

WordPress is one of the most popular software for building websites right now. Basically, it is a CMS (Content Management System) program that helps you manage your content without needing to do (much) coding.

Though WordPress was initially used for building blogs however, today you can use it either for blogging purposes or for building websites.

Here are 8 reasons why you should use wordpress for building your websites:

1. It is easy to use

Whether it is setting up, managing or updating your website, wordpress is easy to use. You don’t need to be some expert or know HTML coding to use WordPress.

2. It is great for both your blog and your website

Yes, WordPress started out as a blogging platform but that was ages ago. Over the years WordPress has evolved into a full-featured web content management system that can be used to build and run your website.

3. You have thousands of professionally designed themes

WordPress themes allow you to have a professionally designed website without the pain or expense of hiring a professional web designer.

There are over two thousand free themes available in the official WordPress Theme Directory and even more available for a fee at commercial sites like Theme Junkie.

4. Plugin extensions

WordPress plugins add complex business features to your website without having to hire a coder. Whatever additional functionality you want for your website there’s a plugin for it. This could be as little as adding a simple contact form or a full-blown ecommerce system to meet your business needs.

5. WordPress is search engine friendly

As Google Engineer Matt Cutts says, “WordPress automatically solves a ton of SEO issues.” But beyond that, there are hundreds of plugins that can make your site even more search engine friendly!

6. WordPress is ready for the mobile web

If you assume your customers are only visiting your website from a full-sized computer, think again. Mobile website usage has exploded in last few years. If your website doesn’t look great and work well on a smartphone or tablet your customers will skip your site and go somewhere else.

Many WordPress themes are designed to be responsive (aka mobile-friendly), meaning your customers won’t be challenged to use your website on their smartphones. The WordPress dashboard is also designed to work on smartphones as well as full-sized PCs — so you can easily manage your website from anywhere.

7. WordPress is mature

WordPress is over ten years old. During the past decade WordPress has been refined, tested, and enhanced. In the process it has evolved into a world-class web publishing system.

8. WordPress is open source

Unlike other website building tools WordPress is open source and free from commercial restrictions and limitations. That means you can use the software anyway you choose and host your website anywhere you choose. All without fearing that changes in someone else’s business model will have an adverse impact on your most important business assets.

As a business owner, when you choose WordPress you have complete control over your website. Besides, you’d be able to build a professional looking, highly functional business website.

Components of a Website

A website can be divided into different pieces and the process of development into stages. What makes a website work is the interaction between these different components that are separated in space and, possibly, time. Some of the pieces are more theoretical, such as the layout and the navigation structure.

Before we move on to the actual building of your website let’s take a brief look at these different components that hold a website together:

A. Front End Elements

A website may be described as having front end and back end. The front end comprises of what you see while the back end is what you don’t. Good front-end components include the following:

(i) The navigation structure – This is not the same as the sitemap, though that might represent it. The navigation structure is the order of the pages, the collection of what links to what. Usually it is held together by at least one navigation menu.

(ii) The page layout – This is the way things appear on the page. Is the navigation menu on the top or along the side? Are there images above the text area? Tables?

Good layout is as important as any other element of design. Bad layout makes a website look crowded and slapdash. Good layout allows the eye to find what it seeks easily.

(iii) Logo – A good website has a unifying graphic around which it is built. The graphic represents your company, your organization. It often sets up the color scheme and the style elements used throughout. The logo ties the website to everything else your company does, the printed materials, signs, etc.

(iv) Images – Photos, graphics, navigation bars, lines and flourishes, animations can all be placed on a website to bring it to life. Or, in some cases, bury it.

(v) Contents – Few websites exist just to be looked at. The internet began as a method of sharing information. As it evolved into the World Wide Web, it became rich in all kind of media. But it still exists primarily to communicate. Well written internet-ready text is a special kind of text. Usually the information is broken into readable chunks. It is formatted to be easily scanned, and it is often optimized for search engines as well as human eyes.

B. Back End Elements

As we have mentioned earlier, while some websites are entirely static others are dynamic and can be updated on the fly from a simple panel or word-processing program, in response to the specific needs of the user.

The functional elements that allow you to do this are called back-end elements. These include:

(i) Content Management System – This gives you the ability to update your website without any need to directly edit the html. A robust content management system allows for documents to be prepared, edited, approved, and tracked prior to publication. WordPress is one such program.

(ii) E-Commerce – Purchasing items from the internet has become more and more common and the internet allows merchants to reach a world-wide audience. The simple ability to safely process credit-card transactions over the internet is where this process begins.

(iii) Shopping Cart – If you have one or two products for sale on your website, it’s fine if visitors click a couple times, fill out information, and purchase the product. However, if you have a lot of different things for sale, you need a shopping cart. This is just a way for visitors to pick out different items and make a single purchase at the end of the process.

(iv) Contact forms – Most websites need some kind of contact form. Even if you are just giving information away, you still might want people to thank you for it. More likely you want some ongoing relationship to spring from visits to the website. Whether the goal is commerce or political, contact forms are a starting point for interaction.

(v) Newsletter registration – If you have the kind of content that is updated periodically, there are few better ways to build a regular readership than newsletters. Newsletters keep you in front of potential clients, as well as keeping your current clients in the loop about your new products, services, or campaigns.

The fastest way to build a legitimate newsletter mailing list is to allow people to opt in at your website. this can be better managed with an email management system.

C. Other Components

Some of the elements that are essential to a website cannot be properly described as either front-end or back-end components. However, without them a website wouldn’t work. These elements include:

(i) Hosting – A web host is a server where your website files are physically located. It’s from this server that these files are transmitted to user computers when they call your website name.

(ii) Domain Name – This is the address of your website. When someone asks to see your website, they put this address into the internet, and your site is served up to them.

Now, while all of these may appear to be intimidating the good thing is, when you create your website using WordPress they are automatically taken care of.

Alright, let’s get your website set up.

How to Set Up Your WordPress Website Step by Step

Step 1: Get Your Domain Name and Web Hosting

As we have established before now you’ll need three things to set up your wordpress website. These are:

A domain name

Web Hosting, and

The WordPress software

Now while the WordPress software is free, domain name and webhosting comes with a price tag. Once you have purchased your domain name and linked it with your web host, you can easily install the wordpress software in a matter of minutes.

When choosing a domain name you may use your business name e.g. www.YourCompanyName.com or your personal name e.g. www.YourName.com depending on the type of your business.

Please note that while you can use a domain name of any extension, for example .com, .org, .net, .biz, .agency, etc. it is advisable to avoid the weird extensions and simply stay with the popular ones like .com, .net or .org. this is because while .com, .org and .net are commonly used and easily remembered, many of the other domain extensions aren’t mainstream and people might just find it difficult to find you if they can remember your domain extension.

Considerations for Choosing a Domain Name

In choosing your website domain name you should ask yourself these questions:

Is it brandable?

For example, if you make a site about poetry then best-poetry-website.net is not a good choice: poetryacademy.com or poetryfall.com is much better.

Is it memorable?

Short, punchy and clear domain names are much easier to remember. If your domain name is too fuzzy, too long or spelled in a strange way, visitors might forget it.

Is it catchy?

You want a name that rolls off the tongue, describes what you do and turns head. Coming up with a cool name can be a bit tough since there are over 330 million active domain names in the world right now.

One of the great places where you can get your domain name is NameCheap.com. They are one of the industry leaders as far as domain name registration is concerned.

And for the web hosting, I must say that though many hosting companies will want to entice you with offers like “special wordpress hosting” packages, any shared hosting plan that supports Linux and boasts of a cPanel is good enough to host your website.

My top recommendation is Hostgator.com.

Step 2: Install WordPress on Your Domain

Once your domain name and web hosting account are ready your next step is to install the WordPress software on your domain.

There are two possible ways to do this:

1-Click-installation

Manual installation

Now, the manual installation demands a little bit of technical knowledge and so, I’ll advice that you stick to the 1-click automatic installation.

Almost every reliable and well-established hosting company has the 1-click automatic installation as part of their hosting packages. For example if you sign up with Hostgator or any other similar hosting company, you should find your “1-click-installation” in your account control panel.

The simple steps (which are similar to all of them) are:

1. Log in to your hosting account. 2. Go to your control panel. 3. Look for the “WordPress” icon. 4. Choose the domain where you want to install your website. 5. Click the “Install Now” button and you should get access to your NEW WordPress website.

Here’s a video walk through:

Video: How to Install WordPress Using Cpanel

Step 3: Customize Your WordPress Site

Once you have successfully installed WordPress to your domain, you’ll see a very basic yet clean site:

But you don’t want to look like everyone else, do you? That’s why you need a theme – a design template that tells WordPress how your website should look.

There are thousands of awesome, professionally designed themes you can choose from. With these themes you’ll be able to customize your site for it to have a feel that’s your own.

However, because these themes are designed by different people they are all different. But there are some very important features you should look out for when choosing one for your website.

How to Choose a WordPress Theme for Your Site

Here are the features you should consider before you decide on a theme for your website:

(a) Load time – If your theme is clumsily designed and has no fast loading times it could affect the effectiveness of your website.

(b) Quick and easy setup – The theme should be easy to setup.

(c) SEO Optimized – SEO is a very important element in the success of your website. It’s important therefore that the theme you choose is optimized for the search engines.

(d) Minimalistic design – As noted above the theme should not be clumsy. The coding should be simple and light.

(e) Focus on your content – The design should be such that your web content is given greater prominence.

(f) One click demo import – This ties in with “b” above. With a one click demo import you’ll be able to save time and effort by installing the demo content and styles which you can easily update with your own content.

(g) Simple customization options – Choose a theme that has a panel and gives you the options to customize the theme without any trouble.

My top recommended resource for premium themes that meet these specifications is ThemeForest.com. They have thousands of themes for building any type of business website.

One of the top selling themes of all time on the site is the Avada WordPress Theme.

Click here to check it out!

How to Login To Your Website Dashboard

To work with your chosen theme you will need to log into your website’s dashboard (Admin Area). This is where all your customization work will be done.

To log into the dashboard, visit https://ift.tt/1oHP0SG where example.com is your site installation url and enter your password and username.

Please note that your dashboard login username and password are not the same as your cPanel’s. These are the details which you set up when installing your wordpress site.

After you have successfully login to the dashboard you can then proceed with installing the theme and the customization of your site.

Please watch this video on how to customize the Avada theme:

Video: How to Customize Your WordPress Theme

While this video is specific to the Avada Theme, the customization process is almost the same for most of the themes you will find of the ThemeForest site.

Recommended: 5 Key Elements to Consider When Designing a Professional Website

Step 4: Add Content to Your WordPress Website

1. How to Add Pages and Posts to Your Site

Remember I recommended that you get a theme that has 1-click demo import? And, did you see how that makes it REALLY easy in customizing your website in the video above?

Now, if you purchase the Avada theme you wouldn’t need to add your site pages and content from scratch. You’d simply need to edit the demo content and in a matter of minutes your site would be up and running.

However, I’m adding this section to show you briefly how to add content to your site since you’ll need to do this from time to time.

Your website content come in 3 basic forms, pages, blog posts and media – videos, images and audio files. Basically, pages form the static text content of your site.

A static page is a page on your website that doesn’t change every time someone comes to the site. For example your “About Us” page, “Contact Us” page, and “Services” page.

Blog posts on the other hand, are arranged chronologically on your blog (if you add one to your site) with the newest article showing up at the top every time.

To add a page to your site simply log into your site’s dashboard and look for “Pages”. Click on “Add New” and it will open up the content editor which looks a lot like your Microsoft Word editing screen. Add text, images and more to build the page you want, then save it when you’re done.

To add a blog post you follow the same process however this time you will need to look for the Dashboard menu labelled “Posts.” Click on it to add a new post and a similar text editor will open where you can enter your blog post content.

One other thing about blog posts is that you can group similar posts by adding them to categories. For example if you’re selling children wears on your website and you have a blog on the site, you may decide to write blog articles that are grouped into categories like “Children Nighties,” “Back to School,” etc.

To add your post to a category, go to “Posts” > “Add New” but before publishing your post simply choose the category you want to add it and then publish.

2. Adding Pages to Your Site Menu

One important element of a functional website is the menu. To add any of the pages you have created to the menu click “Appearance” and then “Menus” in your Dashboard. Locate the page you created and add it to the list by clicking the checkbox next to it and then “Add to Menu”.

When the page has been added click “Save.”

Step 5: Install Plugins to Get More out of Your WordPress Site

One great feature of the WordPress software is that there are hundreds or thousands of plugins that help you in expanding the capabilities of you site. You can use these extensions add features and functions to your site that are not built-in by default.

You can use plugins to do everything from adding photo galleries and submission forms to optimizing your website for the search engines and creating an online store.

To install a plugin, go to the “Plugins” section in your Dashboard and then click on “Add New” and then search for the one you desire to add. There are over 25,000 different FREE plugins however be careful that you don’t add too many as this could slow you’re your site, which is not good for your business.

Once you find a plugin you like, simply click “Install” and then “Activate”.

Again with the Avada theme and most of the themes you find on the ThemeForest site, the most essential functionalities that you will need to add using plugins have been built in. this means your site will be ‘light’ making it load faster. A good thing indeed for your business.

Conclusion

In this comprehensive guide on designing a WordPress website, I have given you everything you need to setup your own small business website. While this may look intimidating at first, I do believe you can do it!

It wasn’t easy for me when I got started, but today doing this is simply fun. I encourage you therefore to take it up. However, if you would rather want someone to do this for you, feel free to contact me and I’ll gladly help you out!

Btw, if you have any further questions simply post it in your comments below.

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How to Make a WordPress Website That Attracts Quality Leads, Better Customers and More Sales for Your Small Business was first posted on April 5, 2018 at 12:44 pm. ©2014 "The Web Income Journal!". Use of this feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this article in your feed reader, then the site is guilty of copyright infringement. Please Click here to contact me. from How to Make a WordPress Website That Attracts Quality Leads, Better Customers and More Sales for Your Small Business

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