#I wrote all of this on a whim

[coddda]

Hiiiiiii. Episode 25/26 lawlight analysis rant thingy here. I don't know how to write an intro for this so let's just get to it LOL

I think one of the reasons that the rain/foot scenes stick out so much (the. Sheer insanity of a Foot Massage Scene in an anime revolving around two guys trying to kill each other aside 💀) is the fact that the anime specifically suffers a bit in terms of adapting a few of the "emotional" moments in death note.

And I don't mean "emotionally impactful" exactly. For example I think the adaptations of scenes like Raye and Naomi's deaths were very impactful and the atmospheres of their final scenes were great, but I mean more from a characterization standpoint (if that makes sense). Being more focused on mind and logic games, Death Note as a whole isn't as invested in individual characters' deeper feelings as it is in its action (which isn't necessarily a criticism per say, it's simply part of the nature of a mystery thriller series). But just because they're fewer and farther between doesn't mean there are none at all. In the manga we do get to see, for example, how much Light actually cared for his family and especially Sayu, and how he actually felt more conflicted and suffered lack of sleep/appetite when he first used the Death Note.

The anime specifically as an adaptation is pretty good at adapting the main mind fuckery and action of Death Note, but its lacking in properly adapting scenes like the ones I mentioned above is a criticism I see somewhat often, and it's pretty fair imo. Compared to all the other adaptations, it certainly seems to fall short on an emotional level: the musical has entire songs going in depth about the characters feelings and relationships, the 2015 jdrama is. Insane and has its emotional moments in spades (because it's a TV drama, which are more focused on portraying emotional conflict and the like), even the 2006 movies has its emotional beats and L Change the WorLd is. Well. Oh Man.

Anime Light to a lot of people is like. Light but he's "already evil" (which I have my own thoughts on but I digress). Light but after using the Death Note for like 2 minutes he's already like "fuck yeah time to kill criminals". Basically the anime doesn't take as much time to delve into his less cynical sides or really delve into his already vague and harder to decipher feelings in general, he is noticeably colder from the get-go here, etc.

But that's part of why I think episode 25 manages to stand out so much tonally (apart from it being, y'know, the episode L literally Dies). I love the episode so much and could probably rant for hours about how much I love the artistic choices made in it but what I'm trying to get at here is that it's one of the very few moments where the show tries to go deeper into specific character's emotions, and one of the very few moments where the show Attempts (emphasis on "attempts" because, well, you'll see in a bit) to get more in-depth into Light's feelings apart from his cynicism/apathy/justice. ness.

L in these two scenes in episode 25 is, well, pretty damn open about how he feels. It's usually interpreted as him knowing that he's going to die, and you can see it. He visibly looks/sounds lost, somber, etc. He never really had much to hide around Light to begin with (since he doesn't really care about hiding himself the same way Light does) but especially not now and it Shows, and I personally thought it was pretty cool to delve into his thoughts/show how he feels this way. The somberness can be felt throughout the entire scene, even people who don't already know the plot of Death Note from the manga could probably tell that he's about to die.

In the manga, once L starts suspecting Misa again and Rem realizes what Light is trying to do, it goes straight to Watari and L's deaths, but the anime instead gives a distinct and unexpected pause in the middle of this where L contemplates his own death. It's fucking great, and the shift from straight action to slower emotional weight makes these scenes stand out a lot, since, like I said, the show usually focuses more on the former. But it's kind of ironic, too.

Not only does the anime open up L's feelings more in these scenes, but it also tries to dig deeper into Light's feelings as well through L. And it's really funny honestly because while, yes, these are the more "emotionally open" scenes of the anime Light still manages to be Incredibly avoidant and contribute almost nothing to the entire ordeal.

L is visibly upset -> "Yeah Ryuzaki, you're not making any sense at all" (Not addressing the obvious conflict from L)

"Tell me, Light. From the moment you were born, has there ever been a point where you've actually told the truth?" -> "[The most stale, over-explained, avoidant answer to a "yes/no" question that you could ever hear + blatant attempts to reframe the question]"

(L's half-smile here kills me) "I had a feeling you'd say something like that" -> [Nothing]

"I'm sorry" -> [Nothing]

"It'll be lonely won't it? You and I will be parting ways soon" -> [Nothing]

^ From this point Light continues to say literally Nothing for the rest of the scene. I'm not even joking, from then on the rest of Light's voicelines are reduced to nothing but vague noises of confusion.

Everytime L calls Light out as a person ("Has there ever been a point where you've actually told the truth?" / "I had a feeling you'd say something like that." / "Won't it be lonely?") he doesn't actually acknowledge anything. Out of those three lines, he only answers verbally to if he's ever told the truth, and even then it's the most blatantly people-pleasing answer ever, as it usually is with Light. And I don't think it's because Light just. Doesn't care about any of what L's saying at all, or that he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about (questioning Light's authenticity as a person, saying it would be lonely when they part), instead he's choosing not to acknowledge any of what this means about himself or him and L at all. He's like a fucking wall.

And like, for the truth question in particular, the show makes sure that you know it's not something that Light just. Doesn't care enough about to answer. The hard cuts to silence are a very rare but extremely effective way that the show conveys an extremely important moment (see: Light regaining his memories, Matsuda noticing Light opening the warehouse door before he escapes (not as much of a "direct" cut to silence but still)), and cuts to multiple angles/framings/zooms of the exact same shot are also used for the same purpose (see: Light hugging Misa when she was crying, Matsuda aiming his gun to shoot Light, Light regaining his memories Again). Just like the scene where Light gets his memories back, the moment L's question finishes the show utilizes both. That question cut Deep. There's is a solid Almost 5 seconds of silence before the sound of the rain gradually starts fading back in, and honestly that should be telling enough as is (but of course Light doesn't actually admit that. Or anything at all really, so). Oh also another fun detail! We do not see Light's face At All (except for the shot where you can see his mouth moving but not his eyes), for the Entire time that he's going on his spiel to L. We Will Be Revisiting This Later, by the way. This is not, in fact, the first time you're going to see this detail from Light.

The only sort of reciprocation that we see from Light during Any of these two scenes is when Light dries L's hair while L dries his feet. Biblical meanings/references aside it's interesting because it's the only time he directly does anything "for" L in these scenes, but even then he doesn't try to pass it off as anything meaningful really the same way L does ("You're still soaked", a purely neutral and factual statement. It doesn't Add Anything compared to L's. Sin atonement loneliness grieving stuff. While Light is showing his own reciprocation to this more personal moment he also tries to keep it impersonal enough that it doesn't actually have to mean anything deep). And when L says "I'm sorry" after he once again gets no response from Light. It's also after this that L gets that pained look on his face, like he knows that at this point he's not actually going to get anything meaningful from Light (again, very significant and rare from L in the show. We've seen him in distress (see: when Ukita died, hell, when Watari dies), but even then he mostly manages to keep his usually neutral expression), we never see him "look sad" like he does here):

I just think it's interesting that this is one of the few scenes in this particular adaptation of Death Note where they try to open up the character's thoughts/feeling (especially considering the fact that they. lowkey blunder in adaptations of original scenes from the manga), and L himself is being rather open (not that he ever really tries to hide what he thinks nearly as much as Light), and yet all Light contributes to it in return is like. Actually nothing. Bro fumbled it. There is no resolution to any of this, to any of what L asks at all, to any of the many opportunities for a meaningful conversation, and the only thing even relatively close to an answer that you can get from Light is what you can infer from how he acts in the episode after L dies, where he's just going through the motions, but hardly acting as if he's actually living at all.

(Honestly I think the transition from this scene with the taskforce to the subsequent scene with Misa says enough on its own. Light's expressions and tone says everything:)

(Oh sidenote but. This shit again:

"Light, this is our first date in forever. can't you enjoy yourself a little more?" ('Why don't you seem happy? We can finally be together since L is dead') -> No response, Light instead changing the topic to him wanting to move in with Misa without changing his mannerisms at all

Also there's that one detail again. You pretty much don't see Light's expression when he speaks here at all, except for one shot of his eyes, which is quite literally the exact same shot they used when he "saw" L, just altered for the new setting. You have No idea what he looks like when he's responding to Misa, although it's probably fair to assume that it's the same empty stare he has for the whole Two Shots where you can clearly see his whole expression in the entire scene.

Something something Light Yagami bad at feelings I think you get the point though)

I guess Light's Kind of showing what he's feeling now? He'll admit to himself that it's boring without L, but no more than that. Light never actually admits to anything "significant", and L's dead already anyway, so what would that even do?

And then we get, uh. Basically nothing from Light. For the next 5 Years. Except that he joined the NPA, so, uh, yay? Good job, Light you totally nailed it! Thank you for allowing us as an audience to delve deeper into your inner thoughts and feelings as a character so we can find out more about you as a person! Very helpful! Thank you for not sabotaging one of your few dedicated opportunities to look into yourself as a person and reflect on your relationships with others and being 100% honest with yourself! We stay winning guys.

Anyway, this got way too long for a scene that's over a decade old, and I've probably just said everything that everyone else has already said in this fandom before. But unfortunately this has been living in my head for way too long and I must scream. I just think this episode's neat is all :)

tl;dr Part of the reason why the rain/foot scene (tbh episode 25 in General) stands out so much is because the Death Note anime specifically was a bit robbed in terms of its more emotional character moments compared to the other medias, which makes more somber/introspective scenes like the ones in episode 25 stand out a Lot in comparison. But it's also incredibly ironic because it's one of the few moments where the show (or specifically L) tries to look deeper into Light's character, but because he is so avoidant for the entire duration of these two scenes he adds basically nothing at all. It's almost funny. Mostly sad. It's also very gay. Aand post

Okay actually nevermind one more thing I talked about how the jdrama is supposed to be more emotionally in-depth because it is a TV Drama and just for the record, same thing happens there! I could probably do an entire analysis of the Blue Scene in this context like I did with episode 25 but I'd literally be here forever, so uh, just take this iconic line as my main example:

Same Thing. L's statement "I wish we could have met some other way" is personal. It's his own wish, his own regret that he is expressing to Light. While Light's reply obviously has that same regret implied it's also phrased in a specifically impersonal way. It's closed off. "This is the only way we could have met" it closes off the topic and simply renders L's wish as ultimately futile. Light does not say that he Also wishes he could have met L a different way even if it was likely impossible, instead it's a cold statement of cynical fact.

Idk just. Something something L being able and Willing to be more openly sentimental/emotionally open towards Light/about Light vs. Light's inability to be honest with anyone including himself and his own nature preventing any form of meaningful reciprocation. Something something self-sabotage, y'know the drill. God don't even get me Started on how sincere L's tone is when he says "It'll be lonely won't it?"(at least in the eng dub) in the anime I could talk about his tone in that scene for ages. Also yes all of this relates to L Change the WorLd too by the way. Don't ask how it just does okay.

I do think that scenes like these (rain/foot scene, The Blue Scene. Uh. L Change the WorLd The Novel Adaptation) show, at least in those adaptations, that L does genuinely care for Light, and show that he values him as a friend not just in the mindgame-equal sense but also just like, a more sincere sense you know. Idk if that made any sense and that's a whole other topic for another day but you guys just have to believe me on this one alright please please believe me buries head in hands. Okay post over finally thanks for coming to my tedtalk hope you enjoyed my very-unnecessarily long analysis of the week

[purenguyening]

A short piece inspired by a line from the Kimetsu no Yaiba fanbook where Giyuu brings Nezuko gifts with regular frequency to the point Zenitsu thought of Giyuu as a rival.

Warning: This contains giyutan and is unedited. Proceed with caution.

Giyuu arrives in front of an isolated cabin in the mountains. With the wrapped gift in his left hand he marches forward.

On the other side, from the corner of Nezuko's eyes, she sees her former benefactor. She drops the vegetables she was washing for tonight's dinner and runs towards him.

When Nezuko jump and hugs him, Giyuu briefly loses balance, but recovers just as fast. Nezuko squeezes him during the embrace, in response Giyuu tilts slightly and lets his head rest against the top of her head for a beat.

A moment later Nezuko lets go and they both take a step back. Familiar with this song and dance, Giyuu hands the wrapped gift in his hand, and Nezuko accepts. No words were exchanged.

One blink later, they curtly nod at each other.

In another blink, Giyuu starts running towards the back of the cabin towards the smoke.

Zenitsu walks up and stands by Nezuko side. He shoots a dirty glare at the former water pillar.

"Do you really think it's like that, Zenitsu-san?" Nezuko asks, quirking an eyebrow up while she turns to look at him.

Even without hyper-sensitive hearing, she can hear Zenitsu's teeth nash, clearly muttering at the one-sided rivalry.

When Giyuu is out of Zenitsu's line of sight, he finally turns to her and softens his expression. Nezuko's expression shifts as she turns to look at him, too.

"It's not what you think, Zenitsu-san," she says, smiling with a hint of mischief in her eyes. "How -" Zenitsu stutters. From his eyes, it's as plain as day. "How can you be so sure of that, Nezuko-chan?!" Nezuko grips the wrapped gift with her left hand and starts to head toward the same direction Giyuu went off to. "Over here," she gestures, "You'll see what I mean."

Zenitsu pauses for a moment, but, ultimately, decides to follow her. The two walked in silence and stand at the corner of the cabin, out of view.

Nezuko sets the gift by her feet. She then takes her right index fingers to her lips and uses her left index finger and points to her ears. Zenitsu stares for a moment, and scrunches his face, skeptical. But another moment passes before he decides to indulge in his Nezuko-chan's wishes. He then turns with her to look at the former water pillar and Tanjirou. The Giyuu is listening intensely and watches Tanjirou char the morning's freshly cut wood, preparing for the following day's sales.

Zenitsu perks his ears, using his sensitive hearing to his advantage. And then he hears it. The former water pillar was laughing. If he were to put an image to describe the sensation, it reminded him of a warm pond, sitting in the sun in the forest. A quiet scene that holds a deep feeling of tranquility.

There's a soft crinkle in Giyuu's eyes as Zenitsu watches the former water pillar cover his mouth, trying to hide his teeth while he chuckles. Tanjirou, even while preparing tomorrow's charcoal, finds the time to take his hand and move Giyuu's hand away from his face. He can catch Tanjirou lightly whining at Giyuu to "stop that."

Zenitsu stops listening closely after that, it felt like he was intruding.

He, then turns to Nezuko.

"I understand now, Nezuko-chan."

She finally looks away and tilts her head and giggles. "You know, Zenitsu-san," she starts.

Zenitsu doesn't know exactly what else to expect after this. There isn't that same feeling of dread that crawls up his spine and up his neck in the same way when he was a demon slayer out on a mission. Yet, he finds the weight in his feet shift uncomfortably. Despite this feeling, he allows her to continue.

"If you tell Uzui-san that Onii-chan's oiran days never ended, he bursts out laughing." Zenitsu's eyebrows twitch at the mention of the former sound pillar, but he eyes focus at the gift by Nezuko-chan's feet. He glares at it with the same intensity as he did with the former water pillar, before he finally softens and smiles.

He chuckles for a bit before finally responding. "I suppose they haven't, huh?"

[alienaiver]

"that's it. i'm removing you from the roster until you've stopped by the doctor."

you look at midoriya in disbelief. unable to keep yourself poised at his final decision, your shoulders slump and the exhaustion washes over you like a wave. he's seen through you.

it's been a year since your near-death experience with an all-too-powerful villain and while shinsou took great care of you during your recovery, something's been off ever since - you haven't been able to put a finger on it, though, so you decided to do what every self-sacrificing hero does: you powered through. until there was no power left to muscle your way out of it. and now it's become visible to others too. you have a feeling shinsou might've ratted you out, but you don't blame him. you'd done the same if it were him.

you get home in a daze and fall face first onto the bed. you don't wake up until you feel the weight shift and the warmth of shinsou's lips touches your cheek. but you don't have the energy to react with more than a hum. your eyelids are so heavy. there's a ringing in your ears but it's so constant that it just feels like a persistent buzz. shinsou says something as he settles behind you, arms wrapping themselves around you. for a while, you think there's silence but he says your name sternly in a voice he only uses when he knows you're not entirely listening to him. huh. you're mostly used to hearing it on the battlefield.

"i'm worried about you."

you sigh and hum, pushing yourself weakly back onto him, "'ve got a doc's appointment..... tomorrow."

he kisses the crown of your head, "okay... okay, good."

he's drawing soft circles into your arm and you drift away again. he wakes you when there's dinner and you perk up again slightly, but not enough to make him stop worrying his lip between his teeth. you fall asleep fifteen minutes into a movie later that night.

you put on your shoes and lock the door behind you, putting the keys in your pocket as you turn for the stairs at the end of the hall. you really wish there'd been an elevator in your building right now. as you walk down the steps, your feet feels heavier but you chalk it up to be your shoes. it's the sneakers you don't wear that often, but it's too cold for sandals today. you shrug it off and just concentrate more on walking.

the doctor goes through your symptoms with you but there's hardly any, you reassure her. you're just so exhausted no matter how many hours you sleep. she warns you that you may be sleeping too much. you agree with a laugh - you don't remember ever sleeping so many hours, having been an insomniac your entire youth. she does some blood tests and sends you home, saying you'll be called in when the answers are back.

the days that pass are all a blur. without your shifts at the agency, time becomes fuzzy around the edges. you don't have to get up, so you just stay in bed, since you've been told you need to rest anyways. on the third day you wake up to several notes on the bedside table, the bathroom mirror and the kitchen counter and fridge from shinsou with various reminders about eating and drinking properly and where he's stocked some snacks and prepped some food for you to reheat easily. you chuckle and shake your head at his antics. you're just tired, is all. the headaches comes with the job, you remind yourself as you try to gently massage out the tension in your neck to relieve your pounding head. he might be right about the water intake - you grab the cold bottle he's put in the fridge for you and brings it with you to the bed.

"i think you should call and ask if they've gotten the answers yet." shinsou says matter-of-factly and you nod, "yeah, it has been a few days. but it's the weekend, right? i'll call on monday." and that ends the conversation.

monday comes but you forget to call, even if you've been determined to do so. by the time you remember, the office is closed for the day. you sigh heavily and fall back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. you prepare the apology for shinsou on your tongue before you drift off.

tuesday morning your phone rings - several times. you finally reach out and pick up, thinking it's shinsou.

"i do apologize for the wait. the doctor unfortunately had to take some time off last week, but we have your results. will you be able to come in today?"

you agree, dragging yourself up. there's more energy in you today, but it should've been way more given the intense rest you've been having. you put on one of shinsou's hoodies and a pair of sweats before you drag yourself to the kitchen to grab a bite.

turns out, you suffer from anemia. an intense, prolonged form and need medication as soon as possible. shinsou's livid when he comes home and gets the news, angry that it has been missed when the agency periodically keeps an eye on their heroes' health. you sit on the chair with your hands folded like a child being scolded and try to laugh it off, "come on now, hito. i just need to take some medication and i'll be fine. the usual blood tests the past year haven't covered that - even if they should, i know," you hurry to add, "but i'll be fine, i promise."

shinsou sighs and his whole body slumps, leaning against the table you're sitting by. you take his hand, "i'm okay."

he visibly relaxes but there's something he's holding back. you've been together since high school, so you can read him like a book. you squeeze his hand, "open up."

he clicks his tongue with furrowed brows before he opens his mouth, "you've had these symptoms for months. why didn't you tell me?"

you look at the ground, guilt written on your face. mostly, because you don't have a proper answer to give him. you don't know why you didn't - the symptoms had all been sneaking up on you, snaking their way into your body quietly and suddenly it'd just become so chronic that you'd normalized it. you let out an apology and he squeeze your hand back, "it's okay to not have an answer. but please, can we be mindful of things like this in the future?"

you smile at him, "only if you continue to make the little post-it notes. they're adorable - especially your small doodles of dogs."

shinsou hides his face in his hands with a groan, "they were cats."

[compacflt]

Fully support your desire to cut down on the extras as they're already so long, but as someone who was also looking forward to the sickfic section and is sad to hear it's been taken out, I will simply have to ask you about it instead! First off the discussion of home in the snippet you shared was delicious - when do you think Mav started thinking of the house as 'their' home? And Ice taking Mav to the hospital has a lot of crunch there around how they're seen and how they act in public, especially if Ice was worried and Mav was kind of out of it. Do you think Ice would have taken Mav in to the hospital if he'd really been spiking a fever and decided he needed it? How would he explain themselves? And I suppose a separate, related question: who are their official next of kin/emergency contacts?

the reason i got rid of the sickfic is cause all those questions were answered better elsewhere in the extras ❤️

i was kind of annoyed that the house inconsistently appears to be the property of whomever the plot calls for at the moment -> another reason to cut the sickfic

Yes Ice would take mav to the hospital. it happens elsewhere LOL, maverick is extremely incident-prone

obviously a fun surfing injury with friends != the sickfic’s ice taking “a friend” to the hospital in the middle of the night for dangerous levels of illness-related dehydration… implies familiarity, intimacy above everyone else… the hospital staff would probably assume they’re together, yes, & i don’t think ice would challenge that at all, especially if he had to make sure all the paperwork was filled out right. just not worth the effort. “is there anyone else we should call for mr mitchell?” / “Um no. Just me.” Yeah i took him to the hospital at 4am bc i love him and im worried about him what r u gonna do about it 🤨 violate his hipaa rights? It’s 2009 gay people exist grow up🙄 hospital staff isn’t gonna tell anyone, so who cares

(Luckily for ice in the sickfic he didn’t have to take mav to the hospital)

the point of the sickfic was to establish a precedent for one of them voluntarily taking care of the other who is unable to take care of himself, to set up the parallel of maverick taking care of Ice when he Really gets capital-s Sick. but then i still can’t bring myself to write ice actually being capital-s Sick because i have some weird neurosis where i simply dislike thinking about ice (powerful guy) being helpless or incapacitated or, um, dead. so the mav-sickfic isn’t really relevant anymore because i haven’t written (and never plan on writing, besides that one half-assed one-shot) the corollary ice-sickfic. so the sickfic became the Nixed-fic ❌

And according to this wip wednesday snippet, they are each other’s emergency contacts. don’t ask me how that works or how they figured that out, idk. some stuff you do have to talk about for logistics purposes i guess. which is kind of the point of all the house-related/money-related discussions I’ve written throughout my fics—they Have to talk about the logistics because that’s real life. But they don’t INTERPRET those logistics or assign them a normative value.

for instance debriefing presents (maverick’s) death & taxes as the only two things that ever get them to actually talk to each other lol. logistics become a vessel through which they can talk about their situation without actually talking about it. The state of being each others emergency contacts might be a death-and-taxes discussion—acknowledging permanence without acknowledging permanence

[corviiids]

I saw your post about Achilles and Patroclus (the one for the ask game) and it was really interesting, I like the points you made and I enjoyed reading it, but I have a question about Achilles' bloodlust before Patroclus' death: what about what he did to Troilus? This happens before Patroclus' death in most accounts, so Achilles is very brutal with it for someone, who says he prefers to ransom the Trojans rather than kill them.

Yes, Troilus had to die, if the Achaeans wanted to win the war, but his death didn't have to be so brutal. Furthermore, Achilles kills him in a sanctuary (Apollo's temple) with no regard for the consequences, and then throws the kid's head to Hector and a few other of his brothers (there are also even more severe versions about what Achilles did to this kid before and/or after killing him)

And then there's Polyxena, who usually is accompanying Troilus and gets kidnapped (and most likely r*ped) by Achilles after he kills her brother. In some versions she was partially the cause of Achilles' death, setting up his ambush by her brothers in Apollo's temple (which in my opinion seems like her way of avenging Troilus' death).

And then the ghost of Achilles demands her sacrifice (either as revenge to her revenge or because he still wants to have her, or both, 'm not sure), otherwise the Achaeans wouldn't be able to leave Troy.

I'm really curious about your thoughts on what Achilles did to these two.

(The argument about the Iliad characters is never ending and there are tons of different takes and opinions. I'm not trying to pick up an argument, I just want to hear you take on this, maybe what versions of these myths you prefer, why do you think Achilles acted the way he did and how does it fit in his characteristic you wrote previously?)

hellooo yeah so first and foremost obviously due to the nature of mythology it's always going to be kind of impossible to have, like, one unified "version" of a character that brings together every depiction of them throughout history, as you said. i think every storyteller is going to add something to a figure that doesn't necessarily mesh with every other depiction. it's like spiderman. it's for that reason that in that post (i had to go read it again lol i forgot exactly what i said but im pretty sure) i only talked about events that happened in or were referred to in the iliad. i.. clearly.. dont have a very good memory so i could very much be wrong about this but i dont think polyxena is mentioned in the iliad and troilus is only mentioned by name, i don't thiiiiiink the story of his death is relayed? i could be wrong! but yeah all of which is to say if my characterisation of achilles seems inconsistent with other myths, it sometimes might just be because it simply is. i dont try to account for every myth bc i would explode into a shower of snails

that said though i think in this instance we can find a compatibility. my point in that post wasn't that achilles isn't ever bloodthirsty or brutal, only that he shouldn't be defined by his bloodlust. quoting my own post bc again i had to go reread it

it's not that he isn't violent or hasn't killed or that he has reservations about taking lives

it's uncontroversial that he committed a lot of pretty heinous acts and clearly has the capacity for great cruelty and does not really weigh kindness or compassion or charity as a major factor in his decision-making. from my post again

he doesn't fight to kill, he fights to win. that's not hugely different in terms of the outcome, given it is in a war context where defeat and death tend to mean the same thing, but it IS different from a personality and character perspective, because it tells us achilles is at worst indifferent to human life rather than actually being driven by a desire to take it. better? worse? doesn't matter, not my point - just different.

achilles is more than happy to commit atrocities. it doesn't bother him to do so, morally. indifference to human life is sometimes indistinguishable from being outright driven by a desire to kill first and foremost. sometimes it's worse. achilles kind of does what he wants - he enjoys excelling at things - he excels at killing. so, stands to reason he might take a particularly brutal or bloodthirsty action if he feels like it. im putting the rest of this under a cut because it got long again

achilles choosing to ransom lycaon isn't proof that he is a merciful soul. it's just that he isn't at war for the love of making war and ending lives in and of itself. he absolutely does not give a shit about lycaon at all as an individual. if someone doesnt have to die, he might decide to let them go (vs someone who's in this because they love killing and therefore would just kill anyway). or he might kill them. if someone DOES have to die, achilles wouldn't go out of his way to make it a kind end. he might if he feels like it. but he might not. the bottom line is he can be bloodthirsty, but that's not his core driving trait. he's not in this to kill, he's in this to win and to be remembered for it. the killing is incidental (if he wins enough then it doesn't matter if his victims survive or not), so it'll happen or it won't and it doesn't really matter to him. so yeah, a plea for mercy might work on him better than it might work on someone who really actively wants to kill people because maybe he has no particular stake in killing them, which is why ive said he isn't fundamentally driven by bloodlust. but like if achilles thinks it might be fun to kill someone in a brutal way, no voice in his head is gonna be like Whoa there champ! How about not doing that? bc his reasons for not killing aren't ethical concerns, it's just a byproduct of what drives him. this is a fine distinction i know but i think it's important. again im not arguing (and wont ever) that achilles is a good moral figure, it's more just about understanding who he is. the killing isn't his goal hence why hes willing to ransom trojan soldiers moreso than the other greeks but if he DOES kill he's probably also going to do it more brutally than others again because his reasons were never rooted in morality to begin with

basically in terms of how im able to marry my view of achilles not being driven by bloodlust with the fact that he does objectively violent and brutal acts, i think those things are compatible with each other bc he can be bloodthirsty without that being the core driving force of his character and the thing that makeshim what he is. does that make sense? the issue i was railing against specifically w that post was that he tends to be depicted as a guy who just wants to fight kill bite kill blood blood blood and i think he DOES act like that guy but that's not the be all and end all of him. killing is incidental to winning, but he can take it or leave it - what i refer to as the breakdown of achilles' character following patroclus' death is the transition in achilles from "i want to win, and i'll kill to make that happen" to "i want to kill for the sake of killing" it stops being about glory and starts being about destruction and pain

[kvroii]

what's the point of going to computers school if i'm not gonna draw weird stuff about it

[angst-is-love-angst-is-life]

You guys ever wake up in the morning and go ‘…what the fuck did I do last night’

[zombiified]

old oc new design

she’s basically the highest of the gods in the system of them in stray nightmare. she’s above krakrofis and as the name suggests, created him (though destruction rules him)

it is omnipresent and made just about everything and everyone in the sn universe, including all of the other gods. it tends to take on a form that’s smaller than the other gods, but it doesn’t mean they’re any less powerful

i’ll definitely have to do more development for the others aside from krakrofis and eithymera (nightmares and dreams respectively) because they’re very interesting and fun to work with

[shmorp-mcdurgen]

Alternate AU: Intruder Alert

While home alone in the middle of the night, Seth finds that he’s not as alone as he previously thought, as he meets a vaguely familiar face.

TW: body horror, blood, hinted childhood trauma, implied character death, violence

Notes: This is around 2’600 words long, being the shortest of the fics I’ve posted so far. I had this idea for a while now, and despite it not being a big event in the au, I still thought it would be neat to write it. Enjoy :)

It wasn’t particularly often for the BPS headquarters to be empty. Normally at least two people were in there at a time, talking, taking calls, and simply living in there, especially at night. However, that night was a bit different, as two of the three were out of the house. All that was left was the founder himself, and despite the pleasant silence, Seth wasn’t sure if he really appreciated being alone.

Seth sat cross legged in the main bedroom, quietly strumming the strings of his guitar with his scarred and calloused hands. He almost never had the opportunity to play, though when he was alone, it allowed him to break the silence with music. He didn’t remember exactly when he bought that old acoustic guitar, though it carried him through many lonely nights. He may not have been perfect at playing, though he didn’t care. As long as he was the only one that heard it, he didn’t care how good it was.

His straight black hair was draped over his face, nearly shoulder length sense it wasn’t pulled up in a lazy bun like it normally was. He wore a dark grey tank top, partially covered by a black back brace around his midsection. Grey skinny jeans covered his lanky legs, and he also wore knee braces over them. It wasn’t the most professional outfit considering he was the head of the group, but it was comfortable at least; besides, no one there was professional anyway. He had scraggly facial hair, stopping at the edge of the deep scar on the right side of his top lip. His tired eyes stared vacantly at the ground in front of him as he played the short song, stopping as he sighed deeply.

He sat in silence for a moment, thinking to himself. He felt a strange pit in his stomach; was he really missing Cesar and Sarah? They left no more than thirty minutes prior, and they were going to be back in an hour; it wasn’t like they were leaving for…for good. They’d be back. Why wouldn’t they come back? They said they’d be back, so of course…they’d…be…

Seth shook his head before resuming playing the guitar, hoping the melody would drown out the voice scratching the back of his head. He didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts again; his mind went into…scary places without something to be occupied with. As he continued playing he stopped mid note, feeling something in his gut. It was different feeling, not the feeling of loneliness that he felt tugging at his heartstrings. He froze, staring forward as his bushy brows furrowed. It was a familiar sense in his chest, one that saved his life more than once in the past. Dread. The feeling like he was in danger.

He glanced behind him at the door leading into the main hallway, noticing that the lights were off, despite him knowing he left them on. He remained silent, slowly standing up, ignoring the crack coming from his knees as he stared at the dark doorway. He hesitantly turned towards the closet in the room, pushing the guitar in there and covering it with a few loose jackets before closing the door. He stood still for a moment before slowly approaching the doorway, grabbing onto his shotgun, which was leaned against the wall next to the door, before entering the hallway.

He inched down the corridor, his dark eyes dilating to try and see through the darkness. Every single light was off, aside from one coming from a cracked open door in the living room; the room where they kept their tech and files. Seth pointed his firearm up, glancing around the living room, which was barely illuminated by the moonlight seeping through the windows. He approached the open door, lightly pushing it open with the barrel of his gun before walking inside.

He glanced around the room, seeing nothing of interest before his eyes stopped on the object producing the white light. It was an analog television, playing static in the middle of the room. Seth stared at the television, inching towards it with his gun trained on it. Something about the static was mesmerizing, though the fact that it was on at all made his feeling of dread worse. He knew that the TV was never on unless they had a tape they needed to play, but he also knew that he unplugged it a few days prior.

Seth backed away, walking back into the living room with his eyes and weapon trained on the TV. He looked back at the dark hallway, swinging his weapon towards the darkness, seeing the warm light from the bedroom flicker off. Seth forced his breath to remain steady, despite the discomfort he felt within him. He took a few steps forward, staring intently at the hallway. It wasn’t the place his gaze should have been focused on.

He was abruptly grabbed by the back of his tank top, being thrown back onto the ground as if he weighed next to nothing. His shotgun fell to the ground in the middle of the room as Seth felt something grab onto his neck. He was lifted up by the tall figure and slammed against the wall, feeling thin fingers pressing against his skin, bordering on choking him. He looked at the arm the hand was connected to, seeing its many joints and bends as it extended further than any human arm could go. The other impossibly long limbs were holding the figure up; two broken legs, with one being longer than the other, and another thin, mangled arm. Seth struggled against the figure, looking up and finally seeing the details of the figure as his eyes adjusted to the darkness.

He was wearing blue, ripped jeans, and a black hoodie over his torso. Three bold letters were written on the left side of his chest, making Seth feel like his heart sank to his feet; “BPS.” He stared at the man’s face, which was connected to a long, thin neck. He had a thin face, and had curly, light brown hair covering his forehead. His two large, mostly squinted eyes were nearly completely black, with the whites being barely visible. He had a wide, toothy smile on his face as he stared down at Seth, as if he was mocking him without saying anything. However, despite the uncanny nature of his features, Seth recognized him. He knew his face.

“What’s the matter, Seth?” The figure asked, his low, drawn out voice crawling into Seth’s ears. “Cat got your tongue?”

“A….Adam…” Seth exhaled, his hands clasped on “Adam’s” arm.

“You do remember him…” Adam chuckled. “I was starting to think you didn’t. It wouldn’t’ve been surprising…you never liked him that much.”

Seth could barely think straight as he stared at the twisted face looking down at him. “It’s been a while…hasn’t it?” Adam continued. “A lot of time to…catch up.”

“Get…get the fuck away from me!” Seth shouted, kicking Adam’s knee. Adam stumbled back slightly, giving Seth the opportunity to break free of his grasp. He ducked down, sprinting past Adam as he reached for the gun on the ground. He gripped the gun, swinging around to shoot it at the alternate. However, Adam simply grabbed the gun, jerking it out of Seth’s hands before slamming the butt of it against Seth’s head.

Seth fell to the ground, covering the sore spot on his head as Adam threw the gun to the other side of the room. He placed his hands on the ground, walking towards Seth on all fours with the same smile on his face as he chuckled slightly. “Come on…I guess I should’ve known you would’ve been so stupid.” Adam said. “You never really think about what you’re doing, do you?”

Seth watched as he approached, scrambling to his feet. “Who the fuck do you think you are?!” Seth growled through gritted teeth, seeing the twisted joy on Adam’s face.

“You know who I am!” Adam laughed. “I thought we already went through this!”

“NO!” Seth shouted back. “You aren’t Adam…you’re just trying to look like him…you’re nothing but one of those THINGS!”

“It’s not like there’s much competition anymore!” Adam began cackling, watching as Seth’s furious expression began to fade. “Besides…don’t you want to know what happened to him? Or did you hate him that much?”

Seth’s nose twitched slightly before his brows furrowed and his eyes blazed with fury. “What…did you do to him?” Seth’s fists curled so tight he could hear his knuckles pop.

“Me?” Adam innocently asked. “Oh, I never did a thing! Never laid a single finger on him.”

“You fucking LIAR!” Seth lunged at Adam, swinging a fist towards his chest. The punch landed, but when he swung his other arm towards Adam, he simply grabbed it and pulled it closer. He leaned down to look Seth in the eye, grabbing onto his arm with both hands.

“I wasn’t the one that killed him, Seth.” Adam muttered, holding Seth still despite him struggling against his grip. “It was the fall.”

Before Seth could demand elaboration, Adam delivered. “He fell…all the way down…and—” Adam snapped his neck to the side with a sickening crunch. “…Gone…his neck was split in twain! It felt…kind of like this—”

Adam gripped Seth’s arm hard before bending it the wrong way, it snapping like a dry twig. Seth suppressed a scream, not wanting to show how much it hurt, knowing that was exactly what the alternate wanted. However, Adam could see the tears in his eyes and the pained look on his face, and cackled. “Adam’s body began to rot…undiscovered for days. Left behind…in the dead of winter.” Adam continued. “And Jonah? Oh…poor…poor Jonah.”

Seth had heard enough. He raised his free hand, slamming it against his own broken elbow and forcing it back into place with a loud crack. He threw his fist against Adam’s jaw, his head flinging back as he ripped his formerly dislocated arm away. He slammed against Adam’s torso with his shoulder, forcing him to stumble backwards a few steps. Seth frantically looked around the room, seeing a small metal chair next to the wall, closer to him than the shotgun in the corner of the room. He rushed towards it as Adam laughed, crawling towards him with wide eyes, showing the entirety of his large pupils. Seth grasped the legs of the folded chair, swinging around and crashing it against Adam’s head with a loud bang.

Adam let out a loud yell as he fell backwards, his back slamming against the floor as Seth approached him, the now lightly blood-stained chair in his trembling hands. He held it up over his head, placing one boot on Adam’s chest to keep him still as he prepared to attack.

“They were right!” Adam laughed, blood seeping from the gash in his forehead. “They were right all along!”

Seth paused, staring down at him with distain. “You’re nothing but a fucking nutcase!” Adam chuckled. “You get angry and go around killing people! No wonder no one loved you; you’re insane! I would’ve ditched you sooner if I were them.”

Seth felt something in him snap when he heard that statement. Adam’s maniacal laughing faded away as he felt his heart thump in his chest and his breathing become heavy. He didn’t notice the tears running down his face as he stared at Adam with pure fury in his eyes. Adam continued to laugh in malicious glee before he felt Seth slam the metal chair straight into his nose.  It cracked on impact, gushing blood almost immediately. Seth threw the chair to the side before he repeatedly threw punch after punch at Adam’s face and neck, covering both Adam and his own fists in dark-colored blood. He didn’t care how badly his arm hurt, or the fact that all his joints were stinging and popping with every move. He barely even noticed; he could only think about wanting that fucking alternate dead.

He yelled with every hit, his piercing glare fixed on Adam’s bloodied face. Adam gurgled slightly as he felt blood come out of his mouth and broken nose before he started giggling like a joyous child. “You never changed, Seth…” Adam said. “You really never changed…have you?”

Seth stared at Adam’s beaten and bruised face and neck, his eyes widening as he couldn’t help but remember something from a long time ago. A look of pure fear on the man he nearly killed, all because he couldn’t compose himself. He remembered the blood on his hands from beating him black and blue. However, Adam wasn’t afraid; he was happy. Happy that Seth was furious with him, and that he was lugging up bad memories. Happy that Seth was proving him right in showing that he really was a nutcase. He wasn’t a stupid man who had something to prove, he was a sadistic, overly joyous monster. Seth didn’t need to give him mercy.

Seth glanced over to the other side of the room, seeing the shotgun lying on the carpet. Seth rose to his feet, slamming his foot against Adam’s ribcage to keep him down. He ran for the shotgun, grabbing it before swinging it around. He turned around to see Adam crawling away towards the other room, as if his heavy injuries meant absolutely nothing. Seth shot once, only grazing Adam’s side as the loud bang rang throughout the apartment. “YOU SHITHEAD!” Seth shouted, chasing after Adam as he ran into the other room.

He cocked the shotgun as he kicked open the door, seeing Adam in front of the TV. Adam turned around, smiling at Seth before backing away, pushing his legs towards the television screen. He passed straight through the glass, disappearing into the static quickly as Seth raised his shotgun. Adam was already gone by the time he pulled the trigger, the second shot shattering the Television’s screen and sending shards of glass everywhere. The TV flickered off, sparking slightly. Seth lowered his firearm, tears running down his face. His breathing was hitched and uneven as he tried to calm himself down. “Fuck…” He whispered, approaching the TV before he gritted his teeth. “DAMN IT!”

He stomped on the television with his foot, smashing the metal and electronics. Bits of metal and circuit boards fell out, landing on the ground as Seth kicked the TV away. He stared at the broken tech with wide eyes, lightly grasping his head with his one free hand as his other held the shotgun. How was he going to tell Sarah and Cesar about this? Oh God, how was he going to tell Sarah about the real Adam? How could he tell her?

Seth cried silently as he stumbled backwards, back into the living room. He didn’t care how much of a mess the room was, nor the new blood stains on the carpet. He dropped his shotgun on the ground before dragging himself towards the couch, sitting on it before hunching over. He held up his head with his bloody hands, staring at the ground as his mind raced.

He had always wondered what had happened to the two missing BPS members, however, as he sat there in the trashed living room, he realized that he truly never wanted to know. He wished he stayed in blissful ignorance, wondering if Adam was dead or just missing. Hell, he was half glad the alternate didn’t tell him what happened to Jonah, the other member. Though despite not being too close to those two, Seth felt…empty, like something within him was broken. As he stared at his feet, he felt the familiar invasive silence envelop him, with no one around to comfort him. Memories came rushing back; most he never wanted to think about again. He gripped his messy hair with his trembling, bruised hands, his leg bouncing as he silently sobbed to himself. Cesar and Sarah couldn’t get home soon enough.

[zephyr-draws]

musings on insects, isolation, and how much can change when you're not looking

[jgracie]

jgracie hibernation era officially over…… fresh out the slammer i know who my first call will be to 🥳

[smokestarrules]

In your ideal world, what's in Ava's letter to Beatrice?

Dear Beatrice,

(Wow. I don't usually call you that, huh. Feels weird.)

So you're probably mad at me, huh? Or you're just sad, but I hope you're mad, too. I'd rather you be angry with me than anything else. I'd say I'm sorry, and I am, but I'm also not. If everything's gone the way I've planned it, then I'm gone, but so is Adriel, and most importantly: you're still here.

You don't even know how much you've changed me, Bea. Even just this letter would've been impossible without your help -- does my handwriting look like yours? Surely it's not as nice, though -- and even now, even after all we've been through together, I can't even say how much our time in the Alps meant to me. You were right about running away, though. I was being selfish again. You're never selfish.

Please learn to be selfish. Maybe not as much as I was, but if I could ask anything of you, it's to live your life. You're so much more than what you can do, and you deserve more than anyone else to be happy. Sorry I can't be there to be happy with you. It's worth it as long as you're able to live. Do what makes you happy. Please.

I love you, Bea. I hope I told you that. I love you.

Always yours, even in the next life,

Ava

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[oceanics]

I was thinking about Star Wars and got a post on my dashboard about Percy Jackson and it got me thinking. I don't really think "personal loyalty" or "sacrificing the world to save a friend" is the fatal flaw Riordan thinks it is, not only because Percy isn't really confronted with it like, ever, but because that's how we got Darth Vader. And Anakin Skywalker, even way before he fell, already had a personality that was completely different to Percy's.

Anakin met Padmé once, as a 9 year old child, and got completely obsessed with her for 10 years. In 10 years he never once got over her. Once they were already together, he was possessive and jealous. He was arrogant and proud, and his love for her was always tinged with desperation, probably in part due to the secret nature of their relationship.

Frankly, I could theoretically see a certain similarity if I was looking at it through Obi Wan-colored lenses: his words in that one conversation with Yoda in the ROTS novel, where he says that Anakin is loyal to people and not institutions (to paraphrase), do sound like Percy but lbr Obi Wan is the most biased mf out there, he was blinded by his personal attachment to Anakin. Hell, Obi Wan saw it like that because, as he himself says, he was one of the people Anakin loved.

Percy, on the other hand, whether it's due to the writing being like that (they are, after all, middle grade novels), always does things for the greater good. He doesn't, say, stay with Sally when he finds her fighting the titan army: he goes away to fight his part of the fight. He doesn't wait for Annabeth and Tyson to go to him in Camp Jupiter, he goes on the mission to Alaska.

The closest he comes to it is falling to Tartarus with Annabeth, but that's only after making Nico promise that thing about the doors of death or whatever. And even then, Percy wasn't actually sacrificing anything other than himself: there were 5 other demigods left of the prophecy of the seven, plus Nico, and they actually needed someone on the other side of the doors of death, so their fall was necessary to defeating the giants, he wasn't actually leaving aside the giants war to stay with annabeth.

[shmorp-mcdurgen]

Alternate AU: Turning Point

Seth had hit rock bottom, barely making it by and feeling lost. Yet he, with the unfortunate help of his old “friend”, somehow manages to dig himself even deeper.

TW: blood, violence, hinted childhood trauma, references to alcoholism and manipulation

Notes: Seth standalone story yippie! this is nearly 2,500, being decently short. Basically. Before the BPS Seth got into trouble. A lot. This being one of those instances

-----

March 14th 1993.

Seth missed his birthday again.

It was a simple slip of the mind of course, but it had been happening nearly every year; going for around a week after his birthday before realizing he missed the chance to celebrate it at all. He supposed it didn’t matter anyway, as no one was there to celebrate with him. He had spent the last few birthday’s drinking himself into a blackout with people he barely knew nor liked, though this year the option didn’t seem as fun as it used to, and he was tired of feeling like he could barely stand every morning.

Seth thought to himself as he smoked a cigarette, waiting silently as he sat on the cold bench at the bus stop. He was wearing an unbuttoned, black, cheap hoodie, along with a grey shirt and jeans. His black hair was long, draping slightly over his shoulders, and strands of it hung over his face. His facial hair was messy, and his dark brown eyes had dark circles around them. He had a few piercings, being two silver earrings and a nose ring. He knew very well he looked as tired and haggard as he felt, though he didn’t care. He just needed to get home, hoping he had enough money in his pocket for the bus there.

When he saw the bus rolling down the street, he stood up, feeling an all too familiar pain in his legs. Every single time he felt his joints pop and sting, he remembered how he should’ve gone to the hospital years ago and be given a diagnosis for once. Alas, no one believed his child self when he complained, so there he was; wondering if he was going to have to use a walker before he was thirty.

He walked onto the bus, handing the money to the driver before sitting near the back, seeing that there was no one else sitting nearby. He sighed, supporting his head with his hand as he waited for the bus to move, wondering when the last time he slept well was. After a little while, the bus stopped elsewhere in town, Seth stepping off before continuing his walk. He saw the bus pass by, seeing it roll down the street before grabbing his pack of cigarettes from his pocket, lighting up another one as he passed under the orange-yellow streetlights.

As he walked down the street, his natural limp somewhat apparent as he moved, he passed by the local junkyard, seeing the beat up cars and metal scrap lying around the large lot. He remembered he and a few of his “friends” would hang out there after drinking at the bar, breaking random junk and talking about whatever they got into since they last spoke to each other. Now that Seth thought about it, he realized he hadn’t seen any of them in a while, and he wasn’t necessarily hoping to see them again.

He wondered if he should cut through the junkyard like he normally would, as it was quicker than going around the block to get to his apartment. However, as he thought to himself, staring at the chain-link fence, he began to hear something from somewhere down the street.

“Hello?!” The voice sounded as if it was coming from a radio of some sort, discordant and unnatural. “Can…c-can anyone help me?!”

Seth felt a pit in his stomach grow as he listened close to the sounds of whatever was down the street, suddenly feeling…afraid. He didn’t want to entertain the idea of it being one of the so called “alternates” that have been popping up frequently around that time, though when he caught a glimpse of it, he realized he should.

The thing was stumbling around, partially covering its grotesque face, which from what Seth could see, was mostly jagged teeth in a large maw. It was wearing what seemed like a police uniform, which was stained in splotches of red. It was screaming, groaning in either pain or general discomfort. When Seth saw it appear from behind one of the buildings, he backed away, looking towards the fence to his right before realizing that the shortcut was the better alternative.

He hastily climbed over it, landing on the dirt before turning around, still hearing the faint screaming as he backed away into the junkyard. He didn’t think it saw him, though despite that, he decided to walk further into the yard, weaving in between rusted cars as he tried to shake off the feeling of dread in his chest; the feeling that something bad was about to happen to him. He was almost at the opposite edge of the junkyard, seeing the other fence before he prepared to climb over it.

“HEY!”

Seth felt his soul get startled out of him before he turned around and let his breath out. Luckily, or unluckily for him, it wasn’t the owner of the property; instead…it was arguably worse. It was one of his aforementioned…“friends;” a man he couldn’t remember the last name of, though from what he remembered, the man’s name was Holt.

“Jesus Christ…” Seth sighed, staring at Holt, who seemed particularly pissed off. “The hell do you want?”

“Where were you?” Holt asked with a hint of aggression in his voice. “We haven’t seen you in over a month.”

“So what? I stopped drinking a while ago.” Seth answered. “Thought you’d figure that out.”

Seth glanced behind Holt, seeing two other goons standing to the side of him; unlike Holt, Seth couldn’t remember their names at all. He mentally called them Fuckwad 1 and 2.

“You know how many drinks I bought for you?” Holt asked. “I was just trying to be your friend, yet you never thought to pay me back.”

“Oh…this is what this is about?” Seth asked, taking his cigarette out of his mouth and throwing it in front of Holt’s feet. He stared down at the man in front of him, suddenly remembering how much shorter Holt was than he remembered. “Listen, if you’re gonna beg someone for money, go find someone else to bother, alright? I’ve had a long night.”

Seth turned to walk away, but was stopped when Fuckwad 1 and 2 stood in front of him, stopping him in his tracks; oh boy.

“Listen Seth, you don’t just fucking…abandon your friends like that.” Holt stated as Seth turned back towards him.

“First off, none of you bastards are my friends,” Seth stated, his nose twitching slightly. “And secondly, I never abandoned you. I left cause I’d rather not live off of booze and end up on the street again, okay? Why don’t you and your group leave me be instead of acting like a sorry piece of shit that deserves my money.”

Holt seemed slightly intimidated by Seth’s steely gaze, though decided to push further despite it. “What kind of pathetic, cheap piece of shit are you?” He questioned. “Look, you were nothing before we met you. We helped you get on your feet; I mean, so many people fear you now! You’re a monster in a fight against those losers, yet you thank me like this?”

“I only fought cause I needed the money, no other reason.” Seth stated, leaning over Holt slightly. “I’m not doing it for fucking glory; if anything, those fights made my life worse. I don’t care about the fights, I don’t care about you or your friends, and I sure as hell don’t need you to make things worse for me by bringing me back to that fucking bar.”

Seth leaned away, backing up and pushing the other two out of the way, preparing to head home. “You used me. I don’t think you deserve thanks.”

“Look at this sack of shit.” Holt said, looking for approval from his friends. “No wonder no one loves you.”

Seth froze when he heard that statement.

“Fuck this dude, man.” One of the other men said. “It’s not worth it.”

“What did you say?” Seth turned slightly, seeing that Holt was still staring at him.

“You think I never listened to your rambles when you were drunk off your ass?” Holt continued, despite one of his friends being visibly uncomfortable about it. “I mean…I’m sure people would like to know about your past, right?”

“For fucks sake man, let’s get out of this dump.” The other man’s statement didn’t even register in Seth’s mind.

“What the hell do you know?” Seth asked, his voice low and gravely.

“Oh…I don’t know…remember when you told me about the closet?”

That

Mother

Fucker.

Seth’s fists curled as he approached Holt, fire in his eyes. “How the fuck do you know about that?” He questioned.

Holt had a stupid cocky look on his face. “You want me to tell them about it?”

Seth’s nose twitched again before he curled his fist even harder, his knuckles popping; that’s it. He slammed his fist against Holt’s nose, breaking it almost instantly. He stepped back, groaning as he held his hand over it, his eyes watering and blood seeping through his fingers. Seth grasped the front of Holt’s jacket, holding him closer. “Listen to me, and listen close…” Seth growled. “If I catch you in my sight again, I won’t be so nice, you hear? You pull any shit, and I’ll gut you like a fucking fish, you understand?”

Holt didn’t respond, but instead gave a slight nod, his hand reaching into his pants pocket. “U-Uh huh…” He said, flicking open the switchblade in his hand. “I get it.”

Seth barely caught a glimpse of the weapon before Holt slashed at him, lightly grazing Seth’s face. He yelled in surprise, stumbling back and hunching over as he held the slash with his hand. It luckily didn’t seem to hit anything important; though it did leave a large gash in his top lip, and it lightly grazed his bottom lip and nose. It stung like hell as the cool night air hit the open wound, blood pouring down his face and staining his clothes.

“DUDE!” One of Holt’s friends ripped the knife from his hand as the other scratched the back of his head. “What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“He attacked me first! You guys fucking saw it!” Holt yelled.

“Yeah, but a fucking knife?!” The second friend asked.

“Dude, we need to get out of here before the cops get called…” The first friend sighed.

“YOU SHITHEAD!”

Holt glanced back at Seth, barely processing that he was holding a steel bar in his hand, lunging towards him with it. He didn’t have the chance to react before Seth slammed it against the side of his head, a loud yell coming from Holt as he fell to the ground, his stunned friends backing away.

“Oh fuck this—” One of them muttered before high-tailing it out of there.

Holt felt immensely disoriented, and his head throbbed from the large gash on the side of his skull, though didn’t have the time to recuperate before Seth bashed his shin with the pipe, it audibly cracking. Holt screamed again, Seth staring down at him before raising the pipe, his eyes wide and bloodshot before hands grasped the pipe in his hand. He looked to see one of Holt’s friends trying to prevent him from delivering another blow before Seth let go of the pipe and elbowed him as hard as he could in the stomach, causing him to fall nearly immediately after.

Holt saw his knife lying on the ground, grasping it before weakly standing up, nearly passing out when he felt the sharp pain in his cracked leg. Seth stared at him, storming towards him before Holt slashed at him, causing a long gash to appear in Seth’s chest, tearing the clothes over it and staining them with blood. Seth punched Holt in the stomach as he yelled, grasping Holt’s hand before wrestling the knife out of it, throwing it to the dirt below.

Seth slammed Holt against one of the old cars, cracking the side window as he began to throw punch after punch, bloodying up his knuckles and causing blood to pour down Holt’s face and chest from the gashes. Seth wrapped his bruised hands around the man’s neck, squeezing until his yells were nothing but choked groans. Holt stared up at Seth’s fury-filled eyes, though when Seth met his gaze his gaze began to soften.

Seth could sense something emitting from Holt’s stare; not cockiness, not malice, nothing even close.

He was scared.

He was fucking terrified.

Holt believed whole-heartedly that he was about to die. Seth was feared, just like he had said.

He really was a monster, huh?

Seth let go of Holt’s neck as he slinked to the ground, falling on his side as he gasped, coughing as he held his now red throat. Seth glanced up, seeing his friend on the ground around ten feet away, staring at him with pure fear in his eyes; Seth hated it. Seth focused his gaze on the man lying next to his boots before grimacing. “Get up.” He growled, half wanting to prove to himself Holt was alright, and that he didn’t hurt him as badly as it seemed. Holt didn’t budge however, barely moving at all. “G…GET UP!” Seth shouted.

Holt, whether out of fear or desperation, stood up, and limped away, his friend helping him stand when Holt made it to him. Seth stared at the two, trembling as he felt the fear coming from them. “…get out of my fucking sight.” He said quietly. Holt hurried as much as he could on a cracked leg, luckily being helped by his one remaining friend before they disappeared out of sight.

Seth’s furious expression softened as he sat on the ground, leaning against the car behind him. His elbows stung, and he could feel blood running from his chest and lip, but when he saw the blood that wasn’t his own staining his hands, he felt…sadness. He furrowed his brows, beginning to breathe heavily before grasping his hair in his hands and bouncing his leg up and down.

He felt adrenaline coursing through his veins, though could still feel the exhaustion creeping up on him. He hurt, and he had no clue how to even begin to process how he was feeling emotionally. The discomfort and pain in his body only made everything he felt more unbearable; even the cool dirt under him felt like he was sitting on cold pushpins. It was all too much, and the guilt that was beginning to set in forced the tears out of his eyes, despite how much he wanted to keep them inside.

Maybe Holt was right. Maybe there was a reason no one loved him.

[lokislytherin]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 외모지상주의 | Lookism Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Hong Jae Yeol | Jay/Park Hyung Suk | Daniel Characters: Hong Jae Yeol | Jay, Park Hyung Suk | Daniel Additional Tags: Established Relationship, Idol Park Hyung Suk | Daniel, Med Student Hong Jae Yeol | Jay, Flirting, Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, no beta we die like jaehye third-wheeling jaeseok, aka no beta we die of CRINGE, jk i have an absurd amount of confidence in my writing and i know this is gonna turn out ok, Gay Hong Jae Yeol | Jay Series: Part 2 of keep your eyes on me Summary:

the untouchable idol daniel melts away, replaced by jaeyeol's boyfriend hyungseok, who's wearing the softest, most beautiful smile ever. nobody could even dream of comparing. "jaeyeolie-yah, don't you have class?"

i missed you, he signs plaintively. we haven't been home together at the same time in days.

hyungseok huffs helplessly, trying to frown even though his eyes are crescent-smile-shaped. "you shouldn't skive just to see me."

aka jaeyeol loves his idol boyfriend a Normal Amount (delusional).