#I’m crying my eyes out cause I’m just soul crushingly tired

[rvllybllply2014]

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[canaryatlaw]

Feels strange writing this now that I finished recapping yesterday a few hours ago, but hopefully I won't be overcome with sleep halfway through this post, I don't think I have as much to say anyway. Today was fine though. I had a noon PT appointment so my alarm went off at 11:15 and I snoozed it till 11:25 because I'm lazy AF and knew I could do my make up afterwards. So I get there (on time of course, because even with my snoozes I am always timely) and end up with a different therapist for booking schedules or whatever, and she's fine, we run through the exercises and such and I think I'm doing them right. It's harder than the wrist exercises because there are a lot more muscles in that general area that can be used so it's more difficult to figure out if you're doing it right but I think I got most of it, and I remember them to do during the week. For now at least it looks like my pattern is gonna end up being on Wednesdays and Fridays, so I'll have to be good with the home exercises the rest of the week. Ended at 1, went home and got ready for oral arguments at school, suit and make up and everything, then walked to the train and got to school plenty early and just looked at my stuff for a while. Since the brief had two issues, with each side appealing one of them, we were working with a partner so one could argue the first issue and the other second, going up against two people on the other side. So adversarial of course, but not all that bad. I think it went fine overall, it's stressful when you go in having a game plan (and this kind of goes for trial strategy in general) and then when you get there it pretty much just goes out the window and you gotta roll with whatever happens, and I'm trying to answer questions about the applicability of the fourth amendments exclusionary rule impeachment exception to criminal cases versus civil cases (that was a real question, I didn't just through a bunch of confusing words together to exaggerate). But overall I thought it went well. They gave us feedback afterwards and they said my confidence started out really well and then kind of dipped in the middle but picked back up in the end, none of which I was aware of of course as it's going on because I'm just going. One of the judges was like "you got really passionate about that child abuse argument and you can really tell you cared about it, is that like something you're interested in?" So I laughed and was like yeah, I work in juvenile court, I could make public policy child abuse arguments for DAYSSSSSSS lol. So that made me smile. Afterwards I was of course happy to be done, so I went to Starbucks and got another unicorn frap because I'm a child and it tastes like sour candy and shit and I like it, okay? I sat there for like 10 minutes and just decompressed a bit before getting on the train and heading home. Got home and made some food, I tried to get kind of fancy and made this like roasted nectarine oatmeal that I just pulled out of my ass but it tasted really good! Lol and yeah, I also started doing laundry because I officially ran out of underwear that I can for sure know is clean, so that's kind of the limit. After not too long my roommate showed up and she was staying in for the night, so I suggested we start binging 13 reasons why since we'd both been wanting to watch it, so we did and got through the first 5 episodes. First background: I read the book shortly after it came out, circa 2008 or so, when of course I was highly suicidal myself, and I don't think it was super helpful to me in that area, but of course that was 9 years ago now and I'm in a totally different place now. I remembered the overall concept and such of course, but I didn't remember like, the individual stories or anything so that was cool to see again. First impressions: damn. Like I knew of course it was gonna be really, really heavy, but this is like, soul-crushingly agonizing to watch. Just, any time her parents are on screen I can just feel my soul aching for them as they so desperately try to figure out what happened that took their little girl away, and shit I'm tearing up just writing this because this exact subject just gets to me so much. I have images in my head of my parents finding my body after I would've killed myself and I just, they're screaming and sobbing and I can't think about it for more than a fleeting second without bursting into tears (I am full on crying now). Because it's just way too close to home. This could've been my story so easily. Seeing them, even as fictional parents, go through that just makes something in me want to scream and cry in rage that any parent would ever have to bury their child who took their own life, and how that was so close to being my story. I couldn't see it then, I really couldn't. But I can now. I can see how much it would've utterly destroyed my parents. I can see how, as much as my brothers abuse have caused me great pain, them carrying that with them, knowing they had been part of the cause of that (and I was going to make sure they knew) would just be something that would never leave them, a guilt they could never absolve themselves of. And my sister. Oh, my sister. My beautiful baby girl who kept me on this earth because I couldn't never possibly leave her here alone. I had to be here to protect her. If my life served no other purpose, I could at least keep her safe. Make sure she didn't suffer the way I did. To be a barrier between her and our brothers and any abuse they might inflict on her. I wouldn't let them do that to her. My precious, sweet little angel that God knew I needed, when I was just a little 6 year old praying for a sister, God knew I would need her to get me through this, that my love for her, in the end, was the one thing that kept me tied to this earth. I could never leave her. I could never hurt her like that. I could never cause her to suffer such a tragedy at such a young age. He knew. He knew all those years ago I would need her. So He gave her to me and I was the happiest 9 year old on earth knowing that God heard my prayer and actually answered me, with living, breathing proof- this was such a big request, I never expected it to be answered. But it was. Because He knew. So He gave me the most precious and important person in my life that I could never imagine my life without. I could never imagine getting through life without her. And I just......I'm so off topic, but apparently I needed a good cry on this specific subject. But the show, the way it captures her parents grief is just such a soul-aching pain for me. As for the rest of the show, the characters have been well-crafted so far, and they've done a good job showing the effects of bullying on people and how these things affect people- that what we say and do doesn't happen in a vacuum, but in a vast network that can get to anyone. Despite its other potential failings, which I'm sure I'll get to addressing as I go, I think it's doing a good job at really showing that actions such as bullying really do have consequences, what you think is just a joke is really at someone else's expense and that's going to affect them for longer than you know. From a cinamographic (that's not a real word, but go with it) perspective, establishing the cut on Clay's forehead as an easy way to distinguish between the flashbacks and the present was rather brilliant. I have to rant about the lawsuit subplot with the parents for a minute though, since it wasn't in the book. All was fine with it up until the end of the last episode I watched where they said the case was taking to trial and I was like BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. I'm sorry, I have a realism threshold, and that crosses wayyyyyyyy way over it. In absolutely no universe would a school EVER go to trial on a case like that. The merits of it don't matter for shit, what matters is that it would be a PR nightmare for the school. The school is fighting against the parents of a dead girl who was bullied by trying to say they weren't responsible? Nobody's gonna give a fuck about the truth of whether she was or not, they're just going to think the school as being absolutely terrible and like I said, PR nightmare. So that really got under my skin, lol, I know its a stupid little thing but I just couldn't get past it because it would just never happen. And yeah, we ended there and I headed to bed and here we are. I'm glad I can sleep in as long as I want (yay Saturdays) being that it's almost 2 am now. Tomorrow I'll probably try to do more laundry, and I gotta make a target run cuz this week I actually am running out of sodastream gas canisters (which of course we all know I need to live) among a few other random items. Then I can hopefully make a big batch dinner for use for packed lunches/dinners during the week, and also make some more progress on the presentation. I don't have to have the 40 page paper done till May 3rd, but I have the presentation that's supposed to be based on the facts in the paper on Monday, so I have to work on fleshing that out and come up with a game plan as to how I'm going to address it. I think I have a pretty solid idea and it shouldn't take too long to work out. So yeah, should be a good tomorrow. Eyes are tired now, and like I said it's almost 2 am, so I'll call it a night now. Goodnight angels. Stay lovely.