#I’m funny and I’m probably nicer to her than most cuz most people don’t even try to learn her name they just wanna fuck her once and leave

[chibelial]

.

[vrisrezis]

My mcu favs w/ crush and relationship hcs (pt 2) (not proof read)

- gonna be honest she’s not familiar with romantic feelings, takes her awhile to even realize what she feels for you

- you make her heart all melty and soft, you make her face heat up, you make her question everything she does

- you make her feel even giddy and overly happy and it kinda annoys her tbh

- she thinks you’re out to get her or something and have casted some spell but when she asks thor he has no idea what she’s talking about until she describes what she’s feeling and he just laughs and thinks she’s joking

- she’s like no. I’m serious ?

- to which thor would tell her what it is, he has a bit of an idea because of Jane

- tbh loving somebody romantically, caring about somebody to this extent scares her

- she’s lost so many people and because of it became a raging alcoholic

- if she lost you she doesn’t know what could happen

- she tries to push you away but quickly realizes she doesn’t like doing that to herself or you

- asks you to go out drinking with her often if you’re up for that

- she’d find it funny how easily you get drunk but has no problem taking care of you, in fact she would probably drink with you more often so she can take care of you because it’s the closest to intimacy she feels she can have with you (no she is not taking advantage of you or anything, it’s more just the thought of taking care of you feels intimate to her)

- also you’re cute while you’re drunk

- trans with you so you can be tougher if you’re not that tough already

- tbh asks thor to do the same with you, whether it be cuz she’s not around or because you need the extra training

- eventually Thor’s at the point where he’s like you gotta tell em and she’s like no 🖕

- but she does eventually

- she’s kinda awkward about it but she tries to sound confident with it ^^

- dating you is very different than just being her friend tbh

- like you might’ve been surprised at her asking you out, even if it’s kinda obvious to anybody that knows her well

- to any stranger you just seemed like friends with a strange rivalry relationship but that’s really not the case

- she’s much more flirty in a relationship, since she’s confident you’re with her for a reason.. she’s not the type to doubt your relationship, you’re with her for a reason

- much more protective in battle though

- she doesn’t say she loves you enough, but she shows it through her actions

- asks thor about the romantic stuff but he has no idea really so she goes to Bruce who kinda has more of a grasp on it

- tries to take you to like normal restaurant dates... kinda awkward since she had no midgardian clothes at that point

- lotsa quick kisses on the cheek or forehead

- likes cuddling as she finds it just.. kinda intimate ?

- still likes to take care of a drunk you

- quick pecks on your lips are very often

- doesn’t like the idea of going on a lot of Thor’s saving the world shits unless you’re on board with it

- thor jokes about how she’s all badass and “I don’t give a fuck about saving the world or anyone else” until it comes to you

- she kicks his ass

- but he’s not wrong

- when she likes you she’s a bit like wtf

- like she doesn’t realize it for a moment until jane explains it

- before she was her usual talkative self but there was a lot of nervousness and stuttering at times, just unusual awkwardness that made Jane raise a brow

- it makes more sense now

- since she’s aware she likes you now she often asks you to hang out, to help her out, whatever it is

- the gal is clingy af what can she say

- lotsa hugs she loves giving you hugs often does them for a greeting

- just an excuse to hold you though tbh

- at times will get tongue tied

- she tries to flirt but it just makes you confused she’s not good at it you’re not even gonna know she’s flirting

- eventually grows impatient about it and is just like “I LIKE U DUMMY! DATE ME!”

- and now you date

- she gets into things a bit quickly so if it’s too fast tell her, hopefully not a dealbreaker

- dates are often because she’s got a lot of creative ideas for dates ^^

- still hugs you as a greeting but a lot longer and intimate and a kiss follows after

- speaking of kisses she LOVES to kiss you and she does so very often

- very needy

- big cuddler

- just like “CUDDLE ME”

- so demanding

- often talks about you and how much she loves you she can’t help it

- but if anybody did the same she like “shut up nobody cares”

- even with you though she’s blunt, but much nicer about it

- likes going on just good dates, restaurants , picnic, whatever

- she eats all the food

- tries to impress you so she might say she was best friends with thor at a point

- and that she’s helped him out before and .. yeah etc

- she likes buying you clothes tbh

- especially if you don’t dress good let her dress you up pls

- would be sad if you didn’t get along with Jane

- it would be a dealbreaker actually

- she knows she’s a bit much so she feels happy you love her anyways

- vision of course will not understand his feelings

- he understands you definitely make him feel something, that something being good

- for a moment he might think he feels like this is how best friends feel towards another, or even thinking he sees you in a familial light

- tony quickly tells him that is not the case

- once vision understands what he really feels he’s not sure how to go about it, he can be quite oblivious

- he’s aware of this but still .. what does he do?

- asks tony for advice, he tells him to flirt and see how it goes

- but tbh that doesn’t work, you don’t even realize he’s flirting gonna be honest

- he’s just bad at it

- so he tries to just simply state his affection, that doesn’t work because he doesn’t know how to word it without it sounding platonic, or getting too nervous about going too far

- he doesn’t wanna overstep boundaries

- tony is in pain watching this btw

- tony eventually is just like “he wants to know if you would like to go on a date” “w- I.. yes?”

- in a relationship he is very sweet

- kinda cliche though, since he doesn’t have a concept of romance at all

- looks up a lot of the things he should know about romance he doesn’t want to ask you that

- while he has no problem protecting you, he doesn’t feel the need to be overly protective unless needed

- he’s logical, reasonable, he only gets protective if he has to, even with how he feels towards you

- but do you distract him? Yes absolutely

- he’s okay with living comfortably and normally for once with you, unless it’s something you don’t want or are not ready for

- once you’re conditioned to a certain lifestyle, even if it isn’t a good one it can be uncomfortable to get out of and he understands that

- he loves to kiss you, often initiates kisses or forms of affection

- you were the first to kiss him, it made him so flustered but so happy and now he’s addicted to kissing you

- loves kissing your hands

- if you have any insecurity he will do anything in his power to prove you wrong and that he doesn’t see you in that light

- he understands he has responsibilities but other than that, loves spending his time with you

- he understands you’re a distraction so he tries not to fight with you, he wants to prioritize the people when it comes to this kinda thing

- which you of course understand

- once you teach him what dancing is, his love language is dancing with you

- you two just stay up talking about nothing and everything

- having kids with him isn’t an option, but he isn’t opposed to adopting children

- after all, all he’s ever wanted was to be a normal significant other to you

- do not have a huge concept on her character so forgive me 🙏

- she can be a bit flirty, not that you mind though right ?

- she just loves spending all her time with you

- probably met you before wandavision

- so you’re probably already together

- even then in wandavision you two were “roommates”

- doesn’t explain all the flirting girl .

- agathas fall would be letting Wanda find out she had a soft spot for you my god

- while she’s all confidence and flirty in general, she’s a bit softer with you

- like she genuinely means the things she says when it comes to you

- eventually asks you to date her, you don’t have much room for dates outside of wandavision

- you two are always together btw

- loves dancing with you

- she has a good grasp on romance so she has no issue with it

- she is full of confidence when it comes down to it tbh

- holds your hand often

- your relationship ain’t official till like the 70s probably

- might joke after wanda has kids that you both should have kids too

- while she’s causing her mischief you back her up to make her look less suspicious

- seriously in the mist of all this she’s grateful for you

- especially when you get her out of the hell that Wanda puts her in once again

- to which she will actually confess she loves you, and cares for you

- you aren’t just like.. some person to date

- she’s not the most vulnerable obviously

- so the fact she finally is.. it’s just a lot

- “idk I just love u a lot hun . Cant I show I love u 😊”

- she’s just so overly sweet with you

- she’s so awful to everyone else at times that she just likes being .. with you and being a softie

- likes you playing with her hair

- she loves a good cuddle

- cute nicknames like hon, or hun, or just teddy bear

- with a crush quill might try to act overly friendly

- and probably flirts a lot

- he’s very like obvious with the flirting so you’d have to be oblivious not to notice it

- he can be quite protective as well

- like not just in fighting but even with just others like even before dating he’s very jealous

- if he makes a joke you’re always in on it somehow

- he tries for form a close bond with you just cuz he likes you so much

- it’s likely he likes somebody that can easily protect themselves doe

- probably has some dumb handshake with you

- honestly he acts like a close friend to you

- people might mistake you for a sibling like relationship if it weren’t for his flirting and him staring at you like you’re his entire universe

- seriously Sam says Bucky has a staring problem, quill is fucking awful

- it’s constant and rocket is always like “you’re staring”

- and he’s like “nO” and then continues to stare

- has you listen to his favorite music of course

- especially the love songs ;D

- will just dance with you to the music he puts on

- one time you guys are dancing to the music he put on like normal but it’s a slow love song, so hes like let’s so dance bae

- and then he tells you how he feels for u

- now u date <3

- lots of forehead kisses

- cuddle bug absolutely

- still a jealous boyfriend though tbh he will try to seem all tough in front of any man he thinks might be better or something he will do anything to show off

- your relationship doesn’t change just lots of kisses and hugs now and I love yous

- you’re totally the relationship that’s like “I love you more” “nooo I love you more” and the guardians hate y’all so much

- he uses nicknames like hun, honey, love, sweetheart

- let’s just say you slow dance more often, and kiss while doing so ^^

- he flirts with you still but it’s a lot more sweet rather than before where he might’ve just flirted with you in terms of like it being kinda like calling you sexy and shit like that, now it’s more like wow u look beautiful I luv u 😊🙏

- would do anything for you, even if he wouldn’t like it

- doesn’t mean he wouldn’t hesitate tho

- going on separate dates isn’t really an option since you guys fight left and right and are always with the guardians, but he decided every once a couple months you guys go on a date together and have some fun

- Loki doesn’t get crushes, so this is a new thing for him

- and tbh he doesn’t know how to take it either, especially when he realizes how strong those feelings actually are

- he hates the idea of being vulnerable in general, especially when it comes to you

- over time it just... happens

- but if there’s any indication he likes spending time with you he will try to lie his way through it, he’s a good liar of course so it probably works

- however he shows he at the very least cares about you, he shows a sign of protectiveness when it comes to potential enemies.. enemies that happen to be dangerous for you

- plus he’s around you like constantly and claims he has nobody else to harass

- he claims he doesn’t care about you at all, but even thor can tell through this lie

- the way he looks at you makes it obvious

- the way he doesn’t try to get you involved in his more dangerous schemes

- and if you do, and you get hurt he feels guilty and tries to help you feel better

- he claims he just owes you one for getting you hurt though

- eventually thor bothers him enough to get him to confess feelings, which takes a lot for Loki to even go through with

- he acts confident, even moreso after you say yes, but deep down was extremely nervous

- the male is good at making you feel important, after trying so hard to hide his feelings he is tired of it and just wants to be more honest about how he feels about you

- no issue being vulnerable, he trusts you but sometimes it can be hard

- he goes to you for a lot of his problems, even if you cannot help, just venting and you listening helps

- he was already with you a lot but now there’s no excuses and it’s even moreso

- “what? I just wanted to visit my beautiful s/o” “we literally just saw eachother 5 minutes ago can I please go to bed”

- likes pressing your foreheads together, he finds it sweet

- jealous of thor? Absolutely. Pls comfort him and tell him you’d never leave him for thor

- he’s so used to just not being as good as him, he wants to be good enough for you

- deep down there’s just so many insecurities he has

- so it causes him to worry like all the time

- having a reassuring and patient s/o is so good for him ^^

- flirting becomes a thing in your relationship

- it makes him feel more confident pls give him this

- protective, he feels like he has to be tbh because he never gets anything good in his life and if he does he loses it, he’s scared to lose you too

- if for some reason he can’t see you he makes an illusion of you to talk to

- when he fake dies you’re the first he goes to see so you don’t think he’s dead, he loves you he wouldn’t want to do that to you =(

- finally

- gonna be honest bucky with a crush is cute

- first of all he smiles at you a lot, Steve is the first to notice how much he smiles around you, it’s the most he smiles like ever

- just has a lot of nice conversations with you about anything and everything

- also whenever you’re around even if other people are around you he’s just like “hey y/n :)”

- heart eyes for you, just can’t help but stare all the time

- he has a staring problem but with you? Yeah 10x over

- Sam always has something to say abt it also

- his idea of flirting with you is really just saying hi to you, just being overly friendly which is noticeable for a guy like Bucky

- eventually would ask you out, he tries to ease into it but he gets a bit impatient

- he was also nervous asking you out but yk

- when dating him he becomes very protective

- one of the most protective bitches on the list tbh

- he gets nightmares about you dying like all the time it breaks him everytime though

- lots of cuddles, whether it be from a rough day, he’s just tired, or had a nightmare

- he likes his hair being brushed by you and played with, even when he cuts it

- he’s scared of killing you and turning into the winter soldier again

- has dreams about when he’s hurt and fought you as the winter soldier, he keeps thinking about if Steve wasn’t there to help, he really could’ve killed you and that terrifies him

- even when you tell him it wasn’t him, he appreciates it but still feels horrible about it

- touch that metal arm, but like gently Yknow . Nobody’s ever touched that arm with such kindness and it makes him soft and feel lucky

- speaking of soft Bucky is very soft, there’s many soft moments with Bucky and vulnerability

- it’s easy to be vulnerable with you but not others

- lots of handholding

- he loves hugging you for long periods of time

- still has a staring problem but now Sam openly makes fun of him

- just big dumb smile on his face as he looks at you

- especially when you’re dealing with kids, seeing you be around them makes his heart warm

- maybe he does wanna be normal, settle down and have kids

- though the thought scares him it is something he desires

- we all know he calls you doll

[mymarisaisbleh]

Try Me (Part 2) svt-exo-bts

??: YYYYYAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Y/n: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Jeongyeon: GET UP!

Y/n: Why are you yelling

Jeongyeon: Because you won’t get up!

Dahyun: Come on! Get ready.

Y/n: Fine.

We all got ready and headed to school. Honestly, I was afraid of what those guys would do to the girls. Yesterday they took the fall at the convenience store because we ran away so they are probably even more mad at us.

As soon as we got on campus people started to whisper. They looked at us weird, even the weird kids looked at us weird. We made our way to our advisory and when I sat down next to Mingyu he asked me what had happened yesterday after school.

Y/n: What are you talking about?

Mingyu: Everyone is talking about how you got into a fight with some Suga, Kai, and Chanyeol.

Y/n: Suga? Oh, Yoongi. So what.

Mingyu: Forgot, your still new. Nevermind.

Y/n: No. Tell me what I need to know.

Mingyu: Okay. You owe me your lunch.

Y/n: Ugh.. fine

Mingyu: There are two groups that technically rule the school BTS and EXO. They harass those who aren’t popular. It’s like any other school, to be honest. They have a reputation of stealing girls' hearts too, they are every girls type, you know... bad boys.

Y/n: So have they harassed you guys too?

Mingyu: Not really. I wouldn’t say we are popular but we do have a few fangirls. We never had any conflicts with them anyways.

Y/n: Good to know. 

Mingyu: Well we can talk more at lunch.

Y/n: Yeah. Thanks.

As the classes go by it is time for lunch and I leave with the girls and Mingyu. When we get to the table they start asking me and the girls about yesterday too. I explain the situation to them all and they are impressed.

Seungkwan: Wow! You guys are pretty brave.

Vernon: Yeah. Considering who you guys were up against.

Dahyun: They were asking for it. They pulled my hair, that hurt. *pout*

Vernon: Awww.

Dahyun: Not funny.

Yoojung: Well it’s over. Now we can pretend nothing happened.

Dino: Tell that to them.

Yoojung: Huh?

We turn around to see a group of girls walking towards us. It’s the plastics from yesterday. They seemed pissed about something, lemme guess, it’s because of the fight. 

???: Hey! You.

Y/n: Moi (french for me. you uncultured swine)

???: Cool, she speaks french.

???: Shut up. Are you going to apologize for what you did to my boyfriend!?

Y/n: Hmm. No I think I’m good.

???: It wasn’t a question!

Y/n: Actually is was.

???: Ugh!

Y/n: You seem to be getting heated up. Here, let me help you

I grab my water and splash it onto her

???: UGH!!!! You BITCH!!

She grabs water and before she can throw it at me I hit it out of her hands and kick her away. Her friends try to grab me but I kick one away and the other tries to throw a punch but I grab her wrist and flip her onto the ground. The last one just runs away.

Of course, I was called into the office and I was sent off with a warning and a week of detention. I got a lighter punishment because my uncle was the principal. I am so done with school that the next periods go by and I can barely remember what we learned about.

Yoojung and I catch a ride with Minghao since he offered.

Y/n: Thanks for the lift Mingie

Minghao: Is that what your gonna call me now.

Y/n: Why not. It’s cute.

Minghao: Whatever.

Yoojung: Why didn’t you leave with the other guys? Were you waiting for us? Awww how sweet~

Minghao: No. I live near you guys.

Yoojung: Oh really. How come we don’t see you then?

Minghao: I leave my house early so I can pick up some of the boys and head to school.

Y/n: Do they not have a license or a car?

Minghao: They do, but I guess it’s better to have a chauffeur.

Yoojung: It is nice.

After a few more minutes we make it to our street and we say goodbye to him. We walk up to our driveway and I ask Yoojung about those girls.

Y/n: So who are those new faces?

Yoojung: The girls? They are like groupies to the boys.

Y/n: That one girl said that he was her boyfriend.

Yoojung: She thinks she is in a real relationship, but her ‘boyfriend’ is sleeping with her friend Jisoo. The one you flipped.

Y/n: What about the other 3?

Yoojung: The one that you kicked is Lisa along with the one with the girl who tried to throw water at your face, Jennie. 

Y/n: And the one who ran away?

Yoojung: Rosè.

Y/n: They got a group name too?

Yoojung: Blackpink.

Y/n: How nice.

Yoojung: Come on let’s hurry.

Y/n: Yeah.

After we made it to our house we washed up and got ready for bed. We end up going to sleep at 10:00 which is not usual for us. Night falls and we are sound asleep.

****RRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG****

Y/n: UGH!!!!

Yoojung: GET UP!

Y/n: AAAHHHHH! WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM!!!

Yoojung: BECAUSE!!

Y/n: Well?!?!

Yoojung: I don’t know. I wanna use your car to go to school this time.

Y/n: Fine. Go get ready.

Yoojung: Yess!

After getting ready we use my car to go to school. I also decided to wear some nicer clothes just cuz. I put on a crop-top and some distressed Bermuda shorts.

We left pretty early in the morning. To our surprise we saw Minghao drive pass us, we honked to get his attention and he pulled over and we drove next to him.

Minghao: Look who decided to wake up early.

Yoojung: Yeah. I’m surprise she wakes up early, I’m usually the early one.

Minghao: Must’ve been a hassle to get out of bed.

Y/n: sure was.

Minghao: Well since your up, mind helping me pick up some of the boys.

Y/n: Sure.

Minghao: Sweet. Text you the adress and who your picking up.

Y/n: Mkay.

We headed out and I had the pleasure of picking up BooSeokSoon. It was quite the ride to school and let’s just say Yoojung had never met anyone more energetic than her. After picking them up we headed to school and Yoojung immediately yelled at Minghao for letting them ride with us.

Woozi: How come you guys didn’t wanna pick the rest of us up?!

Minghao: Didn’t have room to fit anymore.

Y/n: Me neither.

Jun: Don’t you have a truck Minghao?

Minghao: Yeah. I just didn’t want to pick up all of you

Woozi: Why you lit-

****RRRRIIIINNNNGGGG****

Minghao: Oh! Saved by the bell. See ya!

Woozi: I’m gonna kill you later.

Yoojung: Come on let’s head in. Jeongyeon is already inside.

Y/n: Dahyun?

Yoojung: You don’t know this but Dahyun is running a little late. Slept late.

Y/n: Oh. Mkay.

We all head in and go to our classes. The normal schedule and boring classes. I almost forgot about detention too, I wasn’t looking forward to it. It was almost the end of the day and I had Math for my last period, hated the most but not because of the work but the people. I had some of the guys from BTS and EXO, one was starring at me for a very long time.

                                                       1 Hour Later

It was the end of the day and I headed to the class that detention was held in, the science room. I made my way to the back of the class noticing the 2 other kids in the class. I sat down and put on my earphones to listen to Bazzi I.F.L.Y (A/N: Great song) and tried to fall asleep.

A couple of minutes and I feel someone playing with my hair. I jolt up and look around to see BTS and EXO around me sitting.

Y/n: What the hell are you guys doing here!?!

Kris: We got detention.

Y/n: All of you!

Kris: Yeah

Luhan: *flirty tone* What’s wrong with that babe?

Y/n: Uhh, everything.

D.O: Calm down. We didn’t come here for you.

Y/n: So why are you talking to me.

Jimin: We wanted to make sure you don’t do anything stupid again. We are letting you off with a warning.

Y/n: Or what?

Suho: We may do something you won’t like and you’ll blame us. We did give you a warning though.

Y/n: Whatever I do I take responsibility. If you bring any of my family or friends into this you’ll be the ones to regret.

Luhan: *Leaning towards me* I really like you.

*Silence*

Sehun: I think you should just. Si-sit down.

Y/n: Yeah.

Taehyung: Listen. I feel like we’ll run into each other a lot more so just get used to us.

Y/n: I’m not gonna be your friend if that's what you're after.

RM: We aren’t. We just want to be on mutual grounds with you since we know you like starting fights.

Y/n: Can’t make any promises though.

RM: Good enough.

After detention, I run out of the class hoping they aren’t gonna follow me or want to talk to me more. As I get into my car I got a knock on my window and notice it was one of the guys. I didn't know his name though, I just roll my window down.

Y/n: Yes?

???: I don’t think we met before. My name is...

                                                         FIN

That’s all for now. Find out who it is and what he wants next time. If you want to tell me who you want it to be and it just might be.

See Ya!✌❤

[anastasiaskarsgard]

X marks the spot

Part 5

Mark POV

Midsummer

Warning: little bit of cussing and bullying behavior.

A/n: if you need the earlier chapters search #xmarksthespot2k19. This is the story of Mark after high school. Lots of other people from movie mentioned. Is he a good guy after all, or do old habits rear their ugly head?

I just fucked Brooke. I just fucked Brooke. Oh my fuck.

I looked down at Brooke’s peaceful face, and naked body, and could feel myself getting hard again. She’s so fucking hot. And I fucked her.

It’s not just sex tho. I’ve fucked tons of broads, but this felt different. I could lay here forever with only Brooke, and be so happy.

What the fuck am I going to do? How do I make her my girlfriend? Will she be my girlfriend? The thought of her with another guy makes me see red. I gotta make it just us.

Even when things were perfect with Lily, it was never about us; it was about everyone. The parties, the drama, going out, getting wasted, fighting and fucking, but never really about us.

At least not for me.

The only time I ever wanted to be stuck with just lily was when we were going to fuck around, but after that, we’d return to our friends. We never hung out as just the two of us. We never had conversations really, unless they were arguments.

I probably could of handled Lily better, but fuck her for real. Not only was she cheating on me, with some guy twice her age, she let him watch us fuck! Oh and let’s not forget that the guy was married AND she was friends with the family.

When Sarah sent me the text conversations between Lily and Nick, and pointed out the dates and times, I felt like I was gonna be sick. I mean she was with me most of them. All those phone calls from “her mom”, or multiple bathroom breaks were just her being a whore. I can’t believe I went down on her. I fucking hate that bitch.

I really like Brooke though. I don’t want her to know about all that bs. There’s enough bs with Sarah, I don’t want her finding shit about Lily. She already said she looked at Twitter.

I grabbed my phone and went on every account that video was posted and I deleted it. I even went through and deleted anything about it. Any comments, jokes, etc. were deleted. Just as I felt secure I’d gotten all of it, Brooke started to talk in her sleep.

“But I want berry waffles...” she mumbled. “You look like a turkey man.”

I can’t stand how fucking cute she is. I feel totally like a psycho right now, but I’m obsessed with everything about her. The way she laughs and smiles. Her long hair, long legs and cute feet. How she covers her mouth when she eats, and even how she acts when she’s drunk. And oh my fuck, the sounds she makes when I fuck her. I cannot think about that or I’m gonna have to wake her up.

Its rather funny that I’ve never really tried to keep a girl around. I usually try to get rid of them, but here I was freaking myself out over this one. I closed my eyes and finally let sleep take me, sure I’d wake up if she tried to get up. I feel so good with her in my arms. It’s been a long time since I could say, I’m happy. As I drifted off to sleep, I couldn’t stop smiling.

—————————————————-

When I woke up, it was dark, and I was alone. I leaped out of bed, threw shorts on, and went to find Brooke.

I couldn’t believe how panicked I was she had gotten away from me. I thought I would wake up when I felt her move but I must of been more tired than I thought.

I look in the bathroom, living room and kitchen but no Brooke. I feel a lump in my throat and wanna punch somebody in the face. I am not about to cry over some bitch.

But that’s just it, Brooke isn’t some bitch. I sank in my recliner and put my head in my hands. I had to get ahold of myself. I was being ridiculous.

I tried to calm myself before I walked back into my bedroom. Wow. The one time I wanted a girl to stay, she snuck out.

I missed her already. Who did she think she was? I checked my phone, and there were tons of messages from everybody under the sun. Everyone but Brooke.

Apparently there was a rager at Diamonds place. He and Bex split up, so he was trying to be straight again, which seemed pointless to me. Honestly, it made no difference to me who he fucked. I hit him up on FaceTime, and it was in full swing, so I decided to stop by to distract myself from obsessing over Brooke.

I threw on clothes and headed over to Diamonds house. There was a black Prius idling out front with no one in it, but when I walked around the front, there was an Uber sticker, so I just disregarded it and went inside.

It was packed with people, and there were several girls id gotten with before giving me the eye. Sorry ladies, not interested. My baby is probably at home taking a bath or telling her best girlfriend about me. I need to just feel confident in myself.

It’s not like she’s out partying which made me realize that I was. I will just have a beer and go home and call her. I said what’s up to a few people, and I made my way over to the bar. Then I stopped so abruptly, the kid behind me slammed into me.

”wow bro, my bad!” he exclaimed, eyes wide hoping I wasn't pissed.

”No worries player.” I said distractedly.

Brooke was standing there next to some girl I’d never seen, talking to some fucking douchebag. It took every bit of self-control I had, not to make a scene. I wanted to beat his ass, and grab her by her fucking hair and drag her out of there.

Who the fuck does she think she is? Fucks me and then sneaks out to a fucking party? I was so mad; I could barely see straight. Mad doesn’t even come close to what the fuck I’m feeling. She wants to play games? We shall see.

I spotted three girls to my right, that were pointing at me and giggling. They were not as hot as Brooke, but they'd work. I smiled, and they all laughed and whispered to one another as I walked over. Easy prey.

“Hey, I’m Mark,” I flirted, winking at them.

“We know who you are!” The short blonde one said. “I’m Tammy, and this is My cousin Kelly, and this is her exchange student Kimmy, from Japan. She wants to know how tall you are.”

“I’m 6’4.” I said standing up straight.

They all squeaked, and giggled, showering praise on me till their demeanor suddenly changed. I looked at where they were glaring and turned around to find Brooke.

“Hi, Mark. I thought you’d be too tired to come out. Who are your friends?” She asked all cutesy. I’m not gonna give in to her. She needs to be put in her fucking place. Fuck me and leave? No.

“Oh hey girls, this is one of my clients, Brooke. I just helped her with a home renovation to get her house sold. If any of you ladies need any help around the house or yard, gimme a call.” I said as flirty as I could manage and winked at them, as I breezed past Brooke, on the way to the bar. Brooke didnt follow me; she was still talking to the girls, who were now being 100 times nicer since they thought I had just blown her off. I kept track of her in the corner of my eye, and noticed she looked at me a lot. She wasn’t smooth at all.

I finished my beer, and decided to slip out and give Brooke a taste of her own medicine. As much as I wanted to guard her and hold her in my arms all night, I had to play it cool. I have never had a problem getting a girl, and I’m not starting now with the one I give a fuck about.

To be safe, I went and found the douchebag Brooke was talking to earlier. He was still standing with the same, strange girl.

“Hey bud, can I talk to you real quick?”

He looked nervously at the girl and then back to me before asking if there was a problem.

“Oh no! We’re buddies I thought, I just wanted to talk to ya about something, a lady shouldn’t hear.” I lied, winking at the girl who started blushing and looking at her feet. How does Brooke know these lame ass nerds?

“Ok, I’ll be right back, Jane. After you, my man.” He chirped.

I walked out in the garage and as soon as the door closed, I turned and grabbed the guy by his shirt, getting mere inches from his face.

“Wow, bro! What’s up I thought we were cool!” The guy said shakily, as he looked at all the exits and back to me.

“Well, that all depends on you Bro. How do you know Brooke?” I growled.

“She’s Janes friend, I could get you an introduction if you want. She’s not seeing anyone.”

I punched the wall next to the guys head, putting a hole in the drywall and shocking both of us with the sudden outburst of rage. This guy was fucking terrified, so I took it down a notch, loosened my grip and asked, “She said that?” I was trying to hide how much this revelation hurt me.

“She said she needs to drop some fuckboy that she’s getting too caught up with and needs a nice guy. I can tell her you’re nice.” He volunteered.

I released him and took a step back. So she thought I was a fucking fuckboy? But a fuckboy that she is getting caught up with... hmm. Shit, I could work with that.

“Brooke is mine, got it?”

He nodded his head overzealously. “I get it, bro, hands off.”

“I gotta leave, but I’m trusting you to make sure no dudes get too friendly with her. If you see anyone talking to her, pull them aside and let them know Mark is already in that, and I don’t fucking share. And don’t do anything stupid like tell the girls, cuz I’d like to like you, and not break your fucking face.”

“Got it! Loud and clear!” He said with his eyes wide, and sweat dripping down his forehead.

“Good. I’m leaving, but I always got eyes on so don’t fuck this up.” I patted him on the back a bit too hard and exited out the garage side door.

The Prius was still out front idling. In my younger days, I’d have jacked it and done stupid shit in it till the wheels fell off, but I was past that.

Suddenly, It occurred to me that one of the people with Brooke must be her Uber Driver. I checked to make sure no one was out front, and I walked over to the driver door took its keys. I double checked no one was paying attention and slipped the keys in my pocket, before jumping in my truck and driving off.

It only took 10 minutes for the text to come

Brooke: Wow thanks for saying goodbye asshole

Me: I didn’t think you cared

Brooke: what the fuck is that supposed to mean???

Me: well you didn’t say bye at my house, so I just thought that’s how you do things.

Brooke: I’m not going to do this with you Mark

Me: do what?

Me: hello?

Me: earth to Brooke

Me:...

Shit, I didn’t see this coming. Was she really going to ignore me? Like hell she was. I flipped my truck around and raced back to Diamonds, just in time to see Jane crying by her Prius. Brooke was comforting her and she looked so fucking hot. All my lousy mood disappeared, and now I just wanted to be her knight in shining armor.

I pulled up to them and rolled down my window.

“What’s going on guys?” I asked.

“Someone stole the keys to her car, and her spare set is all the way across town at her house, but no one is sober or willing to take her to get them.” Brooke steamed.

“Well, lucky for you, your knight in shining armor got his cigarettes and is back to drive you, ladies, wherever you need to go,” I smiled.

Brooke’s face lit up, and she led Jane in my truck bouncy and happy. They fucked with my radio, and squealed and giggled about a bunch of shit I didn’t care about, but I WAS happy she was with me and I got to be the hero. (Even though I caused the problem, and had the keys in my pocket.)

“Mark, I want to apologize to you,” Jane said out of nowhere.

“Why? you don’t live that far.”

“Actually I told Brooke to be cautious about you, because you’re a selfish womanizer, and every girl that gives you the time of day, gets her heart broken. Now maybe it’s all bad reputation, because I mean, you helped her with the house, saved her earlier today, and now you’re saving us!”

I looked at Brooke, and her eyes were wide as she turned eight shades of red. Was she embarrassed by me?

“Well I just have a bad rep, I’m not that cool. I just have made the error of trusting girls, that had their fun with me, and then told everyone about it, or even lie about it. At the end of the day though, I’m just chilling by myself.” I was really gonna lay it on thick with these two.

“I can see that now. Rumors are so unfair, and I wanna tell you to give him a chance now Brooke.” She said, taking both of Brooke’s hands in hers.

Brooke smiled at Jane. Jane was my new favorite person.

I pulled up to Janes’ and she hopped out and ran in, while we waited in the car.

“So you’re ashamed of me?” I couldn’t hold it in, I had to ask her.

She was fidgeting, and staring at her lap. I couldn’t see what was up with her face since her curtain of hair was blocking it. I waited for a response, but when nothing came, I unbuckled her seatbelt and grabbed her, pulling her onto my lap. She didn’t even try to fight me, just let me drag her over. She still wasn’t looking at me, so I tipped her chin up to meet her eyes.

“Hey,” I said.

She tried to look away, but I didn’t let her.

“If you need to take things slow and just wanna be my friend that’s ok. I am gonna be here for you, no matter what.”

“I like you too much Mark, and I’m not a fuck buddy type.”

I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I knew Brooke was a good girl. I didn’t know what to say, so I just hugged her and kissed her hair. I didn’t think it was possible to love her more, but I felt so much for this girl right now, I thought I’d burst. She fucking liked me too.

“Thank you,” I said finally.

“For what dork?” She giggled.

“For taking me seriously. For giving me a chance to be your boyfriend.”

“ I think friendship is what we should focus on now, and maybe relationship someday.”

Although her words hurt, she was mine and if she wanted to call it friends, fine. We could label it whatever she wanted.

“Friends that maybe kiss sometimes?” I asked, gently kissing her lips and then pressing my forehead to hers.

“And other stuff,” she said as she rubbed against me. “Seems you’re kinda excited to see me.”

“Well ya, you’re on my lap. What do you expect?” I could feel myself blushing. She made me so nervous, it’s crazy. I’m not shy, but with her...

“Wanna come over to my place tonight?” She asked as she bit that damn bottom lip.

“Absolutely.”

Jane got back in the truck, “good job Brooke! I’m so happy you’re giving him a shot.”

Jane is my new best friend.

The girls sang along and had a blast on the way back to the car. I ran in and got them drinks at a convenience store, so I could throw away janes keys before Brooke finds them.

We dropped off Jane and headed to Brooke’s apartment, and I was so happy it was disgusting. In the back of my mind, there was this voice telling me I had to do whatever I had to, to keep her. She was gorgeous, and I couldn’t be the only one that noticed.

This was very confusing and stressful. I’d never fucking cared if I ever saw a girl again, so I didn’t put much thought into making them stick around. This was new for me, and to be honest, I wasn’t fucking enjoying it. Relationships, feelings, and girls are all just nightmares, but it was too late. I might even already love her, and there was no talking me out of it.

Not even when I was doing the talking.

[alyjojo]

20 memories & isms I love about you.

1. He sent me flowers at work. Twice 🥰

2. He left work to help me fix my tire, outside my ex’s house. Never drove on a highway before that day. (no I shouldn’t have dated the guy, but that particular Gemini is the asc degree of our composite chart, he’s the reason we ever met at all, and hubby is the reason we broke up so...lesson learned)

3. He made me eat his mom’s food. Not only that but excitedly. He’d be like “mom is making hot spaghetti and you’re gonna come over and have some”...I’d say no thx 20 times but he wasn’t hearing it. Hot spaghetti day. I felt weird having someone’s mom cook for me. She probably felt weird too tbh, but he was so over the top happy about mom, food, and me, that it didn’t seem to matter and worked out fine 😆

4. He’s so forward, and bold as hell. I’m irritatingly shy and very guarded. Literally the only way he got me was because he’d act before I could really even think about it or think myself out of it. Winners mind.

5. He moved me into his moms house. I was not ok. Not not not. My pride is...well it exists, and burns like fire whenever help is given. I will never ask in all my life and idc, feels better that way. Will gladly die first. My rotors were broken though (I could write a book just about car problems fr), I needed two and it was gonna take awhile. I’d be in the city and he’d be way out there. He’s like nah. You stay. He insisted...and I stayed. Staying was not a me thing, he changed that.

6. He gave me a baby. After all of the years I didn’t have periods, needed pills to have a normal body, all of the times I talked myself out of that sort of life altogether because I clearly didn’t have the guy (ex was not a kid guy) or the working body parts to even do that, must not be for me. First time in our new apartment, boom baby.

7. First time in our slightly bigger and nicer apartment, boom baby 2. We started actually using protection after she was born. Clearly we can.

8. He worked stupidly long hours and put up with so many people that just had no fn clue, it put a strain on everything, most of all him. When he got the offer for Indy, I pushed it. And pushed it. And pushed. May as well have pushed him right out the door, we were going, because those people suck and you’ll never get the chance to be seen while you’re doing that glorified delivery guy’s job for him. We’re going. So, we did, and he got me out of this damn state. At least once.

9. He loved getting lost with me, and it was my favorite thing. Indiana is a beautiful state and I encourage anyone to get lost there, on purpose.

10. I forgot work. He caused some serious change. Everyone else lost their job, including hubby’s favorite person ever, Jonathan. Today he’s the sole survivor of a mom and pop shop, and I’m so unbelievably proud of him. The best part though, is two of the guys from work used to come see me at my new work all the time, with all their bar bitches 😆 They were my favorite people, I was always so excited to see them. Hubby tried to get them back on, and did for one of them. And when the bigger boss needed a new smaller boss bc hubby was leaving the state, hubby fought like hell for Jonathan. Like Highlander, there can only be one *sksksksksksk* They looked at a couple and hubs was like no only Jon knows the ways of the force. They hired him back, Jon has sent him some of the sweetest thank you messages...it changed his life, and hubs still loves him very much. It’s adorable.

11. Screamy baby Shmoo, she was a screamy baby, and so very beautiful. Baby Bam was like a dream, she was the perfect baby in every way. My screamy baby Shmoo was also a perfect baby, with a pitch that could break glass and sometimes she just wanted to practice for hours. Usually I got her to bed with mama snuggles & milk, singing Alison Krauss and rocking. Sometimes though, on the roughest nights, it’d be over an hour before I’d open the door with screamy baby still in a fit, and he’d take her. He’s so warm and calm, he’d win every single time, and I’d be like...zzzzz tysm ily tyty zzzz....

12. His jokes. He’s not funny (yes he is don’t tell him). He thinks he’s funny. He jokes all day every day about everything always. The girls know when dad says something to be skeptical bc he said they gotta go outside and till the land with tiny shovels, and when I roll my eyes they know he’s full of it. What’s funnier, his mom was the kind of person that took things literally always. Every time him and his goofy dad were being sarcastic, I’d have to tell her that because they’d have her believing crazy stuff. My kids share a lot of her isms, that’s one. My son absolutely does not joke, he is quite literal (so far), and I always have to scold hubby or tell lil guy nooooo he’s kidding. I don’t talk about his silliness nearly enough and I should, that’s him ❤️

13. His relationship with his mom. His mom was always on the...I wouldn’t say weaker side, but older, regular pain, on disability. He was her BABY. Her eyes lit up like Christmas when he entered the room. She loves him so so much. His sister... You know the kind, or...just imagine, probably close. He hated it. He got his job pretty young and just kept it. Always had money, always offered to help his mom, always was like IM FINE MOM. She just wanted to do for him, and he’s always been the kind of guy that wants to do for himself. And she was so funny, she’d slip $20 into the diaper bag and tell me “don’t tell him”, putting it on me. So we’d get in the car. And I’d be like there’s $20 in the diaper bag, knowing he’s gonna be pissed if he finds it (she needs it). And he’d get it, run into the house, set it on her table, and run out the door while she ran after him hollering protests 😆 Lots of other stories too. I miss her so much, I can’t even imagine how much he must.

14. His relationship with his sister, and other whirlwind people. He’s like a rock. I’ve spent lots of time with his sister, but not at once. The one day I did, I came home and my brain was so full of her bazillion ideas and impulsive let’s do this and just one thing, opposite thing, different subject, back to the subject, hey let’s do this, omg I have an idea. I love her to death but I had to sit and just...dump my brain. Ask myself for my own input bc I’d lost wtf...what were we doing again?!? Him though? Doesn’t miss a beat. No...no...no...I’ll think about it...no...no..change subject. No issue saying no. Back then I was like thank god, girl would have me on a cruise to Aruba tomorrow with costume jewelry and black face before I could even think to protest. Not him.

15. Making up. The difference between Taurus moon and Sag moon is that Taurus moon stays mad for the rest of their lives (hello...) and Sag moon wakes up in the morning like nothing happened in the history of ever. This was something that irritated me THE MOST. Don’t make me laugh, I’m pissed at you. Over the years, it became the only way we’d talk at all sometimes. Is certainly the only reason we made up, countless times. He never stopped trying to make me smile, even if I wanted nothing to do with it.

16. Acts of Service. Is not mine, which is either words time or touch and I really can’t decide which. All. He speaks a whole other language. He will let me nap, or take the kids somewhere, he will spontaneously clean or go grocery shopping, walk the dog, mow the lawn, hang out at the birthday party. It didn’t start right away, more and more as he learned my isms. He’ll make me coffee as I’m coming down the stairs. I rarely have to ever ask for any practical thing. He knows my orders for anything, recently there’s been twice that he literally read my mind before I spoke. I try to do the same for him as much as I can, because I know that’s his language and I really appreciate him.

17. Bedroom games. The man knows my body like a map, no, an Excel spreadsheet 😭, and how to get every reaction he’s looking for. He is the only man to ever satisfy my insatiable ass. He made me a whole new person in that regard. He says the same about me. Never an issue there. It’s this far down the list cuz it’s not the most important, but it’s pretty important too so there that is.

18. We share the same goals. We judge the same way, like why did they wrap this like that it looks sketchy. We parent the same. We decide the same. We critically think and weigh ideas the same. We walk the same line in the same direction. If anything he’s too negative sometimes, but that’s his own personal thing. Can’t be full of Capricorn and not lean more toward pessimism (not “realism”) sometimes I think. If it’s worth it, I’ll try to coax him to middle ground. Sometimes it’s a battle, but only if I’m really sure. Usually, he’s right, so I just let him lead.

19. When I was pregnant with my son. Initially. It was hell. His car was trashed, mine was broken and thousands of dollars to fix (this particular car in this particular year has this and what a coincidence it was particularly my problem...cars, I’m telling ya). I was two feet out the door with his shit, but his sister’s issues led to my heart. Because her kids. I love them very much, of course they can stay here and not with some strange person hell no. I cannot describe how angry I was at him. HE strapped backpacks onto his back and walked to the nearest store. Hauled so much crap in a huge backpack and just his arms. Over the course of two months. He quit drinking. He went above and beyond to do get offer or provide anything I could even imagine. More romantic then I think I’d ever seen him before. At least...it had been some time anyway. Of course...he was lying to me. The whole time. To what extent idk. Regarding the work shit, idk. Thus the question and the dream and the crazy and the...crazy 😞 Wanted to piss me off boy he got that tenfold. His actions during this time period are 💯 why I stayed. He was clearly trying like hell to prove to me he could try, and it’s more than anyone I’ve ever known has even bothered to “bother” with. I was impressed, and proud. Respect counts for a lot more than love sometimes, and at the time I respected him.

20. He’s an amazing father. There are so many stories I couldn’t possibly write them all. Our son though, he chose daddy, right from the start. Nothing like our daughters, nor any kid I’d known. He’d scream, FOR his dad. He’d only sleep on his shoulder. Hubby held this baby for hours on end. If he didn’t baby would demand it, but it was very natural to them both. Baby wanted a bottle, and hubby to give it to him. It blew my mind. Hubby got his little teammate and together they’ve changed my life and perspective in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined.

I’ve spent so long sporadically venting on here that I don’t think I’ve ever posted the sweet things. So many great memories and daily...everything...are missing, so many years and little moments. That would take forever. Its always been my frustrations, which was the purpose. This is my heart. No matter what happens, all of these things will always be true.

[iheartarrow]

Random Arrow thoughts

Ok, I'm freaking out a little bit... Someone, pinch me... IS THIS REAL?! This episode of Arrow came straight out of fanfiction. It is too good to be true... yet it is... true... I am overwhelmed and befuddled and feel like a lost puppy right now. Because in this season (especially in 6x03 and6x04), Arrow is apparently, granting wishes and many fantasies of mine have become canon.  No one has ever preparedme for this, this is why I'm freaking out, cuz what's next?!...

I know that the other shoe is gonna drop soon enough, and this bliss cannot last forever, that's just the way TVland works, and also, it's Arrow, our heroes can never be absolutely happy for too long, there has to be conflict to further the story along. And the formula is simple - the happier it is in the beginning, the worse it's gonna be later (before it gets better again). So I do know I have to prepare myself for the shit that's about to hit Olicity in a few episodes, probably after the crossover.

Anyhow, going back to 6x04, here are some of my thoughts during this episode..

- It should have been named "Let's get it on..." instead, LOL. How many times did they try to have desert and were interrupted?! Blue balls won't look good on Oliver, Arrow, have mercy!

- The episode opened with a "date", or more like a hookup, BS style. I gotta say, I liked the wig. Blonde Laurel looks like a bitch, brunette Laurel looks wickedly nefarious. I liked that, but why did she need a wig at all, this puzzled me? Or does she think, she looks more attractive to men with dark hair?! What was the purpose of that wig? Not to be recognized?! Well, then she kills people left and right with blond hair, so that's not it, right?!... Oh, I get it... KC wore the wig for the element of surprise, so the fanboys would guess her by her back and pee their pants happy that their beloved BS is back (or should I say, KC is back, cuz their fascination with her, that I will never understand, has become like a cult following). Anyways, this is done for one purpose alone. BS always likes to make a scene with her entrance (yes, she's a bit of an attention whore, didn't you know?!), this time they figured a wig will do the job for her as a "surprise" element. Whatever...

Arrow is already being redundant with BS, considering she's not even close to being the main villain, has no agency of her own and is just another mercenary for hire. As the guys from Slander Ent. pointed out, she's a glorified lackey. Arrow hyped KC's return to Arrow as a villain, so much, but the pay off doesn't match the hype so far. BS's storyline resembles that of LL already. Either give her some interesting storyline, or get rid of her like you did with Laurel. I liked BS at first, but the more I watch her (and as often as I watch her), the more she starts to suck, because there's no moving forward with her story, she becomes a stale character, just like LL had become, before they had to kill her off. Though, in this episode she didn't suck that much, and her fighting improved (though it was Katie's double who gets the credit, the fight scenes were so darkened out, so you cannot tell the double and the actual actor apart, but it was still too obvious Arrow, you cannot fool me). I feel like I have to make my peace with BS the way she is and not expect her to progress. She's here as an eye candy for the fanboys, a consolation prize anyways. But as she still is a  small part of Arrow's overall story, I would expect the show to have learnt their mistakes with Laurel (and KC) from the first time around, and not repeat them with BS.

- Oliver and Felicity's date... I think now I know why Felicity calls BS "evil Laurel", because of her timing.  Girl, couldn't you murder that poor sap some other time? William picked out the tie and wanted to go to dinner with Felicity, too... Awww, that's so adorable. And yep, the  mini-Oliver totally has a crush on his father's girl. I love the relationship Arrow is building between the three  of them! Oliver remembering that it's been three years since they had their first date... Squeee!!! "Don't jinx it!" LOL.

You know, I like that Oliver is still a bit nervous on their date. It's a good kind of nervous. He talks about not  having been ready for their relationship then, not like he is now. This tells me that he knows, and knew back then  too, that this is it, Felicity is "it" - the love of his life. So yeah, he is nervous in a "anticipating something  wonderful in your life"-kind of way. Plus, that gorgeous woman is in front of him being all adorable and super  sexy. But the status of their relationship is still unconfirmed. He looks at her for answer when the lady asks if  they are back together. And Felicity got "the hint", called herself the mayor's girlfriend. It's for us to hear and  for the Olicity haters. They are back together, so stop asking the stupid question, m'kay?! Get over it! There's also calmness to Oliver that I love. He's matured, more grounded. I cannot believe how much he's grown as a  person. Adrian Chase was one heck of a therapist, LOL.

That nice lady was us, for sure. While she was fangirling over Olicity, I thought it would be funny if the news  came out that Mayor Handsome and Miss Felicity Smoak are back together, with a poll attached to it, vote yes or no.  LOL Star City ships Olicity. Also, why isn't there a man patting Oliver's shoulder and whispering "Good job on  getting your girl back, son!"?!

- Oliver understanding how it was for Felicity when he had to bail on her and was "dangling maybies"... Now you  know Oliver. It sucked! And I think he felt kind of alone and bored and useless, while his woman was neck deep in  Arrow business and he just had to let her go, do her stuff. I think that is what got to Oliver the most - not being  able to be a part of the thing that brought them together in the first place. That's how they met, how they've  gotten closer and fell in love - because of Arrow business. And Oliver not only renounced that part of himself, he  also renounced the part that allowed them to connect and was the major part of their relationship, it's basis. In  S4 we saw how Felicity was struggling to live a "normal" life without Arrow business. She missed that part of her  life, that's why they returned to Star City and stayed. Now it's Oliver's turn to be sidelined. He liked living in  Ivy Town (on the surface), but after last year's crossover, Oliver realized that his life could be happy without  being the Green Arrow, but it will never be full. This season he had to give up the hood again. Except now it's not  because he wanted to, it was a sacrifice for the sake of his son. 6x04 showed how much Oliver actually misses being  the GA, the action and being usefull, already!

Now, putting a mask on and chasing Felicity in the club, or helping Slade-cockblocker-Wilson... how is it different  than being an active member of the team?! I don't get the logic of this. If you're out, you're out, Oliver. No  exceptions. He could as well get killed on the mission with Slade, then little William will be the one saying "told  you so!". Agrhhh...

- Those kisses... I love those smooches. Felicity, please kiss Oliver more like that! It's super adorable!

- I don't trust Alena. At all. Even after she was shot and was all cozy and friendly with Felicity, I still don't  trust the girl. Look, she is responsible for an Argus agent being horribly murdered. And her reaction to that death  was telling not nice things about the kind of person she is... Plus, she represents Felicity's past life, a rather  dark past. I don't want a constant reminder of that on the show, in small doses Alena is ok, but not as a permanent  fixture. Plus, this whole "breaking internet" thing was a set up by Cayden James, so it's obvious that either he  gave Alena that shiner and told her to get Felicity involved, or he knew that if Alena smells trouble, she'd go to  Felicity for help. And either way, she's a pawn in his game. I feel like if Alena isn't working for Cayden, and she  actually is clean, she's still a redundant character, because she doesn't bring to the show any new skill or  ability that isn't already an atribute of another character. So why keep her then?! "I thought you wanted to change the world, and look where you ended up..." I loved this burn! Why did Felicity  apologize for telling the truth?! Also, this line reminded me of when paralyzed Felicity was hallucinating Goth  Felicity. Goth Felicity said the exact same thing to her "you wanted to change the world, look where it got you..."  This Alena character reminds me of that Goth Felicity, but not in a good way. I really hope she won't drag Felicity  back to old hacktivist habits.

- Why doesn't KC wear her hair up in a ponytail more?! It actually looked nice, certainly nicer than her usual hair  down over one shoulder. She calls herself "Dinah", so why does the team insist on calling her "evil Laurel"?! Call  her evil Dinah then, she's here as a counterpart of the new BC anyhow, not of dead Laurel. This show has too many  Dinahs with same abilities, it's ridiculous, Arrow!

- Felicity spent more than half of the episode in that gorgeous red dress. She looked so out of place in it in that  club, and I loved it. It was very funny.

- Felicity should have asked for a backup while going to the club. Or at least telling her team where she's at. It  was irresponsible. And later at Helix, almost got herself and Alena killed. Granted, she couldn't have known that  it would be so dangerous, but still, she's going after someone who plans on killing hundreds of millions of ppl,  gotta think smarter, girl. I get why she would feel guilty. Not only she let out Cayden James, but after Havenrock,  if CJ manages to kill so many people, she would feel that it's on her, too.

- I loved Oliver's pep talk. Last episode it was with Diggle, now with Felicity. They both helped Oliver to become  the GA. And all that effort is now for nothing, eh Oliver?! Where the hell did Felicity get the idea that Oliver  was doing it all by himself?! He never did, well... he tried, but he never succeeded. He was killing ppl, until you  and John set him straight (and Tommy's death, too), he was a crappy brother most of the time, super crappy CEO,  failed as a boyfriend and a fiance, etc... So let's not pretend that Oliver wasn't a screw up just cuz he got his  act together this season, okay Arrow?!

- Helix Dynamics... Nope, not liking it. I got an immediate recall of Fringe's Massive Dynamics,tbh. Plus the name  Helix is rooted in Felicity's old life. Also, the name sounds rather ominous, like Kord Industries, where they make  all kinds of dangerous stuff that bad guys later steal. I hope Felicity will rename the company, it doesn't roll  off the tongue right.

- Michael freaking Emerson is amazing!!! I certainly got an evil Finch vibe from Cayden James. God, he's a cold  motherfucker. I do not believe that he "changed" because of Argus keeping him locked in a shipping container. Argus  locked him up for a reason, I wanna know what that reason is. He must have done something very very bad to earn  such treatment. Lyla isn't Amanda Waller. I would love for papa Smoak to come back and have a hack off paired with  Felicity vs CJ. It would be awesome. Also, I had an idea that Felicity will probably go to jail for hacking the  vault's firewall (and probably, other crimes too), and Noah might take the fall and go to jail instead of her. It's  the only way I see to redeem an absentee father like Noah.

Or Felicity will have to hide and lead a reclusive life until she figures out a way to clear her name with the FBI.  Or she's gonna be recruited by the FBI. Either way, it would be interesting storyline and I wonder how it will  affect her relationship with Oliver. I have a feeling Arrow might do something similar to what Smallville did with  Chloe's character - her leaving the team and just disappearing. Felicity might be forced to do the same. And it  won't be Arrow breaking Olicity up, just separating them for a while. Cuz it's Arrow and they can't let Olicity be  happy on the background all the time...

If we are correct, then Olicity is gonna get married in the LOT crossover episode. If so, then won't marital  privilege kick in then?! Oliver cannot testify against his wife, nor she against him...

- I really hate it when a side character is pointing out an obvious thing that all the fans have figured out long  ago, yet the main character haven't got a clue about... I'm talking about Alena pointing out that Felicity should  use her chip as an idea for helping people and get her company started. We've been cultivating this idea for 1.5  years, come on, Felicity...

- WTF is Arclight?! Damien's dome was called an Arc, right?! Maybe CJ was working for DD back then when the Arc was  being built, and that's why Argus locked him up?! "Arclight" does sound like a cult thing, LOL. And Darkh's zombie  population did look like cult followers...

- Loved all the grunting while Oliver dropped on the couch with hands full of Felicity!!! And the ass grabbing, and  her hand sliding to his front... This new time slot is paying off bit by bit. Slade cockblocking them was not cool,  Arrow!

- Did anyone else have a thought that Diggle's drugs might be provided by Cayden as well? He set up a trap for  Felicity in today's episode, Diggle will probably become addicted to that drug, and will be off the team as well.  Could be, Cayden will be picking all the team members one by one?

- The only thing, missing from this episode, was the repeat of the glorious line "It feels really good having you  inside me...". It was such a right episode with a perfectly set up circumstances to bring that line back. Arrow,  how could you miss this opportunity to remind us of such perfect comedic Olicity moment?

- Loved Oliver on the comms. He looked absolutely out of place behind Felicity's computers, but that was the point,  and I loved it. The learning curve and the funny Oliver, loved every second of that scene.

This was a very good, solid episode. The reversal worked perfectly. One of my favorites of all Arrow episodes!!  This season is gonna be so AWESOME!!!

@almondblossomme @hope-for-olicity @tdgal1 @taurusclh @geneshaven @eilowyn1 @felicitys @nalla-madness @coal000

[brendlesachiel]

Stand up shit

I like the word “egotistical.” It sounds like a Kiwi saying “ego testicle.” “I’m very egotistical.”

Education language: diversity equity inclusion pedagogy learners with additional learning needs, developing programs, initiatives and strategies to implement educational policies in appropriate educational settings; individualised differentiated instruction diversity equity inclusive learning environment engage learners in the process educational outcomes cultural competence social justice, embrace diversity 

**

The annoying thing about life is that it ends before you have any time to come even close to understanding it.

**

**

“Snowy Mountains” and “Rocky Mountains” are really uncreative names. “It;s mountain and it’s kinda rocky. Rocky Mountains? It’s a mountain and it’s kind of snowy. Snowy Mountains? Imagine if every name was as uncreative as that. The Amazon’s just called “The Leafy Forest.” It’s like calling the Amazon “Leafy Forest.”

**

**

“I hope it goes well!” Hope is worthless. You know how I know it’s worthless? It’s because no one would be able to sell hope as a product and make money off it. Like, in a store. Like, a sales person can’t be like, “Hey, you want some hope? “ “Sure.” “That’ll be 20 dollars.” “Oh fuck that shit. I’m not spending money on feeling hopeful.”

**

Imagine if Yoda made An Inconvenient Truth instead of Al Gore? “The use of cars leads to greenhouse gas emissions. Greenhouse gas emissions lead to the accumulation of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. The accumulation of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere leads to the reflection and absorption of incoming solar radiation. The reflection and absorption of incoming solar radiation leads to the planet radiating some of that energy back out into the atmosphere in the form of infrared radiation. The planet radiating some of that energy back out into the atmosphere in the form of infrared radiation leads to the trapping of some of that radiation in the atmosphere by those same gases. And the trapping of some of that infrared radiation in the atmosphere by those same gases leads to global warming. Disastrous, that could be. Fix it, we must.”

**

How awesome is the feeling when you successfully change the subject away from an embarrassing topic? In your head you’re like “Fucking yes, I changed the direction of the conversation and he didn’t notice, I got away with it.”

**

Imagine if there was a girl called Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie…and it just goes on for like 500 Marie’s. Her teacher marks the role like, “John Smith.” “Here.” “Elizabeth Knight.” “Here.” “Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie Marie…fuck it, Marie to the power of 500. Are you here?” “Here.”

**

**

fear leads to anger. anger leads to hate. hate leads to suffering.

you could’ve just said fear leads to suffering. Just go from A to B, mate. You went through two more doors than you needed to go through. Only take a longer route if it’s a better journey, and that wasn’t.

**

Reincarnation. They believe that EVERYONE is going to come back as an animal when they die. EVERYONE. Including people who killed themselves. “Fuck, I justvoluntarily  left that place and now I gotta fucking go back as a dog? Are you fucking kidding me?” He goes. His owner gives him a shitty like Rover. “Russel!” “Yeah, fuck off.” “Oh Russel’s a bit down today!” “I’m down everyday, bitch, cuz I have the soul of a sad clinically depressed guy in a call center who worked in a call center. But you don’t know that cuz you don’t fuckin’ understand me, so whatever. Woof, yeah, yeah, whatever. Fuck, I gotta be loyal to this ugly lady until she puts me down. Can you throw a stick on a main road so I have a fucking excuse.”

“Rover! Why are you on the main road? Bad boy!” Cuz I’m trying to not be owned by you, you old ugly fuckin’ cow! You do realize I’m a depressed guy in a dog’s body? 

DOes that mean that every dog who looks sad used to be a fat single dude who worked in a call centre? i bet they try to kill themselves again as dogs.

**

I saw an episode of Dragon Ball Z once, and the whole episode was just Goku powering up while Frieza watched him. He was going “Arghghghghghhgghgh.” I was like, “This is not a TV show. This is two dudes sounding really constipated for twenty minutes with a few ad breaks in between.” Five episodes of powering up. I guess that’s just a law of nature in the Dragon Ball Z universe, that in order to be able to cause harm to your enemies, you have to sound like you’re shitting a brick out of your asshole. Imagine if someone in the Dragon Ball Z universe was born with a genetic defect where he was in powering up mode all the time, like even when ordering a coffee. “Arhghghhghg can I please have a cappacino?”

**

Every nerdy teenage boy in Australia was watching Dragon Ball Z on Cheese TV. Back when Goku was fighting Frieza and they were both doing nothing but powering up for 10 episodes. So for 10 straight weeks in Australia, every nerdy teenage boy was watching two dudes sound constipated for half an hour each week.

**

They believe that EVERYONE is going to come back as an animal when they die. EVERYONE. Including people who killed themselves. Does that mean that all the dogs that look sad used to be depressed people? Dogs are like “yeah hi. Yeah, woof, whatever. Yeah, I used to be a virgin who worked in a call center and now I’m a fuckin’ low-energy dog.”

**

In order to make an order at the McDonald’s drive thru, Yoda from Star Wars would probably need a translator.

Intercom: HI, how can i help you today?

Yoda: Three things, I would like to buy.

Translator: I would like to buy three things.

Yoda: .Coke, first I would like.

Translator: First I would like coke.

Yoda: Nuggets, then I want.

Translator: Then I want nuggets. He just reverses it.

Yoda: And French fries, I guess I’ll get it.

Translator: I would like to purchase nuggets, fries and coke, he just reverses it, same thing each time

Intercom: Okay, Master Yoda. Any sauce with that?

Yoda: Please, sweet and sour. Yoda: Pot, I like to smoke. Translator: Again, I like to smoke pot, he just reverses it. Does the same thing each time.

**

I like my humor off the wall and on the nose.

**

Isaac, it’s great that you’re daydreaming mate, you’re using your imagination which is fantastic, I love it, but I also love getting through the curriculum, mate, so let’s, come on.

**

I’m apologetic to people I like, but I’m really unapologetic to people I don’t like. To people I like, I’m like, “Sorry, man.” To people I don’t like, I’m like, “Fuck you, I’m not apologizing for shit, motherfucker. Even if I did something wrong, I’m not apologizing, that would be humiliating.”

**

2 + 3 is 5 and 3 + 9 is 12. But here’s the thing: 32 + 34 is 66. So, by that token, 25 + 4 is 29. But, on the other hand, 38 + 45 is 83. The argument comes full circle when you realize that 37 + 12 is 49 and perhaps the most frightening and profound truth of all time: 1 + 1 is 2. I just had to get that off my chest. Been bottling it up for so long.

**

have you ever heard someone use a really cool phrase and been like, “yep i’m gonna steal that one, thank you. I’ll pretend i’ve been saying that one for years, cheers.

**

Life is full of people telling you what you have to do.

Your boss is like “you have to get five sales today” the government’s like, “you have to pay that fine by October 31 and your tax by October 31,” your parents are like, “Mate, you’re 28, you have to move out,” you know, life is full of people telling you what you have to do, and it can be a bit of a downer sometim

So I’m gonna tell you all the things that you don’t have to do, for a change.

**

This one time my friend was reading a Wikipedia article, and he turned to me and said, “You know, Wikipedia gets a lot of shit but it’s actually quite a reliable source.” So I opened the article he was reading on my phone, changed the heading to, “No it’s not, fuckhead,” and told him to refresh.

**

I think doing stand up comedy at an open mic night is like making a meal at a restaurant when you’ve had no experience as a chef and your customers have no idea what they’re gonna eat. You could end up being the next Gordon Ramsay, but chances are you’re gonna make a really shit meal that the customers have to eat.”

**

I once heard someone refer to a murderer as a “homicidal practitioner.” I thought, “That’s a pretty funny euphemism.” So Ted Bundy was a homicidal practitioner. Kurt Cobain was a suicidal practitioner. Hitler was both. He was a fully qualified and licensed practitioner of homicide, suicide and genocide. He did all three of those things in six years.

**

I hate when people are having a debate, and they state the year that it is as. “Come on, it’s 2018.” People have been saying this every year. “Come on, it’s 1993.” “It’s 1998, I thought we were past this archaic nonsense.” They’ve been saying it every year. Even the people in the year 43, 512 AD will be stating the year as a form of argument. “It’s 43, 512 AD, I thought we were past this archaic nonsense.”

**

the bible is so TL;DR. 30, 000 verses and 1,000 chapters? Who can be bothered R-ing such an L-ass book that’s the TL;DR-iest book length. the lord of the rings is so TL;DW.. To those of you who don’t know, “TL;DR” is an abbreviation online and it stands for “too long; didn’t read.” The brilliance of that phrase is that it’s a really short response to something really long, so it hurts their feelings. We should come up with a nicer abbreviation. Like NL;DR….WR…“not long; did read.” Or a more indecisive version. “KL;MR.” “Kinda long; might read.”

**

**

I once said to my friend Marcus, right, “Hey Marcus, did you know that the planet Jupiter can think?” And Marcus is like , “Oh, really?” And I’m like, “Yep. And right now it’s thinking “Holy shit, Marcus is gullible and dumb as shit.”

**

have you ever been online and you type a search query into the browser and the results pop up and it’s fucking Bing? I don’t know who runs Bing but dude, no one likes your search engine. Give up. You thought it was Google, you were waiting for the red, yellow, green and blue logo, and you get a shit grey one. Bing is so annoying. What if search engines dissed each other? Like, you enter “Bing” into Google and a webpage pops up, “Bing is a shit search engine.”

**

this one time I farted in front of a girl i Iiked who barely knew me. If I had to sum up her facial expression, it would be, “intensely offended.” Her facial expression was saying, “I don’t know anything about you but that stinks like shit and i’m pissed off i have to smell it.” but my facial expression was matching her intensity. My face was saying, “What, you saying you don’t fart, motherfucker? Fuck outta here with that disapproving gaze, I did what every human does and I’m supposed to be ashamed?”

**

some people wanna get rid of nukes. and that makes me think, “well, if you wanna get rid of nukes so that they never appear on earth again, then you’d have to stop anyone capable of making a nuclear weapon from 

 get rid of people that know how to make nukes. which means you have to destroy knowledge. so fu

**

have you ever said a word that you didn’t want to say? you’re like, “fuck, why did i say that word? that was the wrong word to fucking use. Fuck.” This one time someone said “seeya later” and i said “thanks”

**

How annoying are bosses? You’re sitting there, having fun, and then he comes up to you like, “Hey, you better do that thing!” and you’re like, “I don’t want to but you’re paying me, so fine.” And then your boss’s boss comes up to your boss like, “Hey, you better do that thing!” and he’s like, “I don’t want to but you’re paying me, so fine.” And then your boss’s boss’s boss comes up to your boss’s boss like, “Hey, you better do that thing!” and he’s like, “Sure, I’d love to! Thanks for paying me, by the way.” Your boss’s boss is just a really positive dude. Everyone has a boss. Even if you don’t have a job, your boss is the people who run the country. And even if you run the country, your boss is the people who don’t. Ain’t that weird? The people who don’t run the country come up to the people who do like, “Hey, you better run the country well,” and Turnbull’s like, “I don’t want to but you’re paying me, so fine.” Even people who try really hard to not have a boss have a boss. Like the guy that runs North Korea. China comes up to him like, “Hey, you better do that thing,” and he’s like, “I don’t want to but you give me food and energy, so fine. So annoying.” 

**

have u ever seen an asian person who looks 18 and then they’re like “hi i’m 65.”

**

hi i’m james. i hope you all die. not now or any time soon, just when you’re really old and asleep. i hope you die then. you all thought i was being mean but i was actually being nice. i hope i die now though.

**

Fuck, I’m retarded. I’m probably the most retarded person on the planet. My whole life is just me trying to resist my own natural gravitation towards antisocial, dysfunctional behavior. Stephen Hawking has nothing on me. I’m retarded socially, since I don’t know how to talk to people. Retarded intellectually, since I smoke a lot of pot. Financially, since I spend money on stupid bullshit. Physiologically, since I sweat too much and blush all the time. And sexually, since I cum early and sometimes struggle getting it up. My use of the word “retarded” itself is further evidence that I’m retarded since I’m willingly using a word that many people find offensive, possibly because they’re retarded as well. I’m not saying they’re stupid for being offended by it, I’m saying they may actually be mentally slow people that are hurt by that word going into their slow brain. I have no problem with retarded people. The only difference between me and them is I have a faster brain. I go, “2 + 2 is equal to 4,” they go, “2 + 2 is equal to…hang on a sec…let’s see if I can break this down…you got 2, which is a number, and what’s a number? A number is a symbol that represents an abstract quantity, so you’re adding two of the same quantity, so you get 4.” The retarded person is still logical, but by the time they execute their logic the topic of conversation has already changed from maths to North Korea and we’re going, “What are you you doing, Bobby? We’re talking about Kim Jung Un now.”

**

I went to uni, where I did a Bachelor of Science. And the whole time I was there I was high. For four years I was just engulfed in a haze of marijuana and I came out four years later like, “Fuck, I guess I’m a scientist.”

**

I love love. The best way to know how in love I am with someone is by how much I’m ignoring everything and everyone that isn’t them.

**

I can relate to Voldemort because he’s pale, egotistical, terrified of death and he spends a lot of time alone with his snake. I’ve always found it weird that Voldemort doesn’t like people using his name. That’s like someone at a party going, “Hi, I’m John, but please don’t call me that, thank you. If you don’t know what to call me, that’s your problem, cunt. How ‘bout you fuckin’ improvise?” Imagine if Voldemort was so constipated one day that it made Harry’s scar hurt? Harry would be like, “Fuck, this is so annoying! I hate hearing the thoughts of a psychopath squeezing shit out of his asshole!” What if Voldemort’s asshole was a slit like his nostrils? What if he made Death Eaters wipe his ass for him? “My lord, it is an honour to wipe the shit off your powerful, majestic asshole.“p>

**

Teaching: Marking / Teachers have to do more homework / I don’t wanna be here either, I just need money to survive.

**

This is the evolution of humanity from start to finish: *grunts* *throws a spear* *fucks* *writes with a pen* *picks telephone up* Tell you what, that Alexander Bell bloke’s pretty smart, isn’t he? *types on a typewriter* *shoots a military gun* *twiddles thumbs on phone, does it for ages* *looks up* that cloud looks like a mushroom, I might tweet about it *twiddles thumbs* “I am about to die, hashtag #goodwhileitlasted”

I’m a teacher. And there are things that I really wanna say to my students that I’m not allowed to say. For example, I really wanna say to them, “Hey kids, I’m not gonna teach you anything on the curriculum today because I think it’s all worthless and I think you should teach yourself stuff in your own time. There’s no point in me cramming knowledge into your head that you don’t care about. There’s no point in me uploading thousands of gigs onto your computer if it’s jut gonna sit there in your hard drive, doing nothing. If you don’t want to learn, don’t do it. Just do the things you wanna do instead. But if you have a smart brain in your head, then I predict that you’re gonna eventually get bored of existing and functioning in a world that you know nothing about. You’re gonna get bored of not knowing the rules of the game you’ve been playing your entire life. You’re gonna get bored of going for runs around the oval and not knowing why the grass you’re running on is green, or why there’s wind in your face. You’ll get bored of not knowing what the chair that you’re sitting on right now is made of. You’re gonna get bored of not knowing what you’re made of. You’re gonna get bored of not knowing why your pee is yellow and why your farts smell really bad. You’ll get bored of masturbating and not knowing why the hand around your penis has five fingers instead of six. Or why you have two eyes but only one nose. Suddenly, you’re gonna want to know these things and you’ll start Googling shit. And I swear to god that when you read all this shit on Wikipedia, you’re gonna absorb it and remember it until you die because it’s information that you actually give a shit about. You know why you couldn’t remember that maths formula in your exam the other day, even after I showed it to you forty fucking times? It’s because you don’t care about it. But maybe you might care what the area of a circle is one day. Anyway, class dismissed. You have no homework for the rest of your life.” I really wanna say all that shit. But you know what I say instead? “Hi kids, today we’re gonna do Questions 4a, 5b and 6c from Chapter 3E of the textbook. We’re gonna be finishing algebra today and starting probability tomorrow because we live under capitalism and learning has a time limit. I’d explain what capitalism is but we covered that last week.”

**

I once took my sister to the hospital for an emergency and she was lying in the trolley with all the other patients and the nurses were cracking jokes with each other and I remember looking at the nurse thinking, “I don’t think the ice addict overdosing under your nose right now appreciates the playful banter you’re having.” **

Can I have a skinny capaccino and some scrambled eggs on toast? This one isn’t on the menu but can I have some money and affection as well? Life is hard.”

**

You know when someone gives you something for free and there’s about five seconds where you have to pretend like you object to their decision? “I can’t accept this! I fucking so want it, but for some bullshit reason I gotta pretend I don’t until you give me the social green light, and then I can shrug and sheepishly pocket it while thinking ‘Fucking yes, cheers you dumb bitch!’”

**

I believe that none of us have any idea what we’re doing and we’re all winging this shit. My whole life is just me trying to resist my own natural tendency towards antisocial, dysfunctional behavior. The whole time I’m in public, I’m trying to avoid doing two things: jacking off and dying.

**

I’m 27 and I still live with my parents. And you can tell my dad is starting to get sick of me. Yeah, he loves me, but it’s a love that decreases exponentially.  It’s like I’m a dinner that he heated in the oven and after 18 years he’d finally finished cooking me and he was getting ready to take me out, feed me to people, put me in the dishwasher and skip out of the kitchen back to his bedroom so he could fuck his wife for the rest of his life, only to find out that the dinner had other plans. It wanted to stay in the oven for nine more years. So my dad’s been stuck in the kitchen for a quarter of his adult life, trying to convince his own spoiled, entitled roast dinner to get the fuck out of the oven. “Get out, bitch! You’ve been ready for consumption for an entire decade!” “But I don’t wanna leave! It’s too scary! I’m gonna be eaten alive!” “Of course you will, you’re a fucking meal, now get out!” “But I’m special! I’ve got like, really interesting potatoes and stuff! My chicken wings are important!”

**

I hate when people describe other people as “complex.” "Dude, have you met Brandon? He is so complex! He’s like, a puzzle, wrapped up in a paradox, cloaked in an enigma, draped in a conundrum, and shrouded in a mist of incomprehensible, inexplicable mystique!” No, he’s not. Brandon goes to work and comes home. That’s it. And if he doesn’t, he probably should. Instead of sitting around on his unemployed ass all day, thinking of all the different contradictions that his spooky personality can embody all at once to impress his credulous, idiotic friends, he should, I don’t know, write a fucking resume. And under “Skills,” he should put something other than “being complicated” because no one gives a shit. Bosses aren’t gonna go, “Wait a second, Brandon, you’re saying you’ve spent the majority of your life building yourself up into a pointlessly elaborate riddle that no one gains anything by solving? Why, I’d like to make you an engineer! Construction on the bridge starts Monday!”

**

I like reading mistakes in books because that means the editor either didn’t do a good job or didn’t have enough time to do a good job. So they either suck at their job (which means their boss sucks at hiring people)  or managing their time; either way, they suck, and that’s funny. I like when people suck at things. I like watching people trip over. “Haha. He sucks at balancing himself. Fuckwit.”

**

“How’d u find the meal?” “This is the worst most fucking garbage meal I’ve ever had”

**

Turning right at an intersection. It’s not my fault that the world is overpopulated.

**

Theoretically I can ruin any friendship or relationship I have by grabbing someone’s balls. If I do that enough times, eventually they’re gonna go “this is over” **

Remember Caitlyn Jenner? She’s really fucking ugly.

**

**

Had to have dinner with my grandpa the other day. He’s 93 and on the brink of death and it was probably the fifth last time I’ll see him. I reckon I have eight hours left of looking at his decrepit, wrinkly face and his pretzel-shaped spine before he dies a shitty, ignominious death. I won’t care much when he dies and that makes me sad. I love him because he was a nice man and will always remember him, but I won’t care that much when he dies, which probably means our relationship never really got off the ground.

**

Imagine sounding really nice when you’re saying really mean things. Imagine sounding really mean when you’re saying really nice things.

**

I have no creativity. Isaac Newton apple story.

**

The United States constitution is like the rulebook to a board game that was written carefully by very smart people to ensure that the game can be played for as long as possible without any hiccups, right up until that inevitable moment where the players throw a tantrum, burn the rulebook and knock over all the pieces. So far the game’s lasted 230 years but I think that tantrum might be coming.

**

Have you ever noticed how all decency and compassion goes out the window when someone disagrees with someone else, politically? Even if Donald Trump tweeted, “My son Barron just got leukemia, I am devastated,” I can guarantee his Twitter feed will be flooded with thousands of angry, vicious replies, just like it is with every other Tweet he makes. “Good, fuck him…you ruined our country, so he deserves it.” None of us have the answers to any of the questions raised by politics and morality since they’re too complex for our limited monkeys brains to understand, yet these are the two things, more than anything in the world, that inspire deep hatred for one another.

**

I hate jokes and banter. “You should mark my reports.”

**

ISIS is always responsible for each attack.

**

- Take out the trash on Tuesday

- Write up a CV before Friday

- Stop writing “to do” lists down and trust your memory more, idiot.

**

“Great minds think alike.” So do shit ones. How do you know you’re not just two idiots reaching the same wrong conclusion?

**

My whole life is just me trying to resist my own natural gravitation towards antisocial, dysfunctional behavior. 

**

I wish I had more than two hands. It would be very handy. You know how many more things I could do with five hands? I could write an email, turn the TV on, pat my dog, brush my teeth and jack myself off at the same time. I’m so jealous of octopuses. You can do so many things with hands you can slap me for this routine.

**

You know when you use an App and the App asks if they can access your photos? I have an internal dialogue between myself and the App that plays out every time I do that.

App: Hey dude. Thanks for getting the app, appreciate it, man. So as part of the app you can send photos and shit but before you do that, we just need to be granted access to look at your photos and your Facebook and stuff.”

Me: What?

App: Just need access so we can do the photo stuff.

Me: OK. Fine. You’re not gonna do any nasty shit though, are you?

App: Like what?

Me: Like find out who I am and expose me to advertisements that are really specific to my needs and wants to further capitalize off me?

App: No, no fuckin’ - no, no way we’re gonna do that. It’s for - when you use photos for the app, we have to see your photos for that to happen.

Me: Why do you need to be granted access to all my photos? Why can’t you just be granted access to the photos that I use on the app?

App: No, no, no. Dude, we need to see all of them for some reason. Dude, it’s not - and also, maybe  -  maybe we’re just interested to see you because you could be a cool guy. Who fucking - ?”

Me: Okay. Fine. But you’re not gonna sell my information to other companies so they can fuck me as well?

App: Dude, why the fuck - no, we’re totally - no, we’re not gonna do that.

Me: OK. Fine. Allow.

App: Yeah cheers you fuckin’ moron, we know who you are, we know your hopes and dreams, your taste in fashion and music and we’re gonna cook up 50 ads in a row to fuck you in the arse one by one and you willingly handed us the lubrication to do so.

**

Imagine if our penises swapped places with our noses? We’d look like elephants. We’d have to put cocaine down our pants. An aroused man would look like a lying Pinocchio and a lying Pinocchio would look like an aroused man. Rudolph would be the Red Knob Reindeer. Voldemort would have two ugly slits above his balls. We’d have to drill glory holes at head height and midgets could use the original holes! The Seven Dwarves could fuck Snow White standing! Sneezy would have to change his underwear all the time. Girls would have to stand on boxes or tippy toes to blow tall guys. Lorena Bobbit’s husband would have nothing between his eyes and mouth except for a bit of scar tissue, maybe. Goldmember’s face would look like the inside of the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. If a little boy farted in the Neverland ranch, Michael Jackson would have to reach downstairs to pinch his fake nose and reach upstairs to beat it. (Wanking off nose) We’d have to do this every time we want to imply that someone’s a wanker (/Wanking off nose) Black guys would smack people in the face whenever they turn around. We’d have to hump flowers to smell them, Mr Squiggle would have to hump paper to draw, swordfish would fuck their prey to death and woodpeckers would become woodfuckers.

**

Imagine if someone went through a metal detector and it beeped, so they turned to the security guard and said, “Oh, it must be beeping because i have a fully loaded pistol in my pocket that I was gonna shoot everyone with, but I’ve been foiled by technology and I’ll probably go to jail for this, which is rather unfortunate.”

**

Imagine if I went to McDonald’s and the woman behind the counter said, “How can I help you?” and I said, “Do you know how I can get a lot of money and a wife?” and she replied, “Dude, I work at McDonald’s, so I can’t help you with the money shit, but I can be your wife, sure. I’ve got a shit job and nothing going for me so why not? Look, we’ll discuss the wedding when my shift is over but until then, shut the fuck up and leave because both my boss and the fat cunt waiting in line behind you look really pissed off right now.”

**

Imagine if I went to a coffee shop, ordered a cappuccino, and the barista’s like, “Too easy,” and I said, “Do you want me to make it harder for you then, moron? Fine, give me 35 cappuccinos, each in a different type of mug, each made with different types of coffee beans from at least six different countries, each containing a different type of milk that was collected from at least six different types of cows from at least four different continents, and as you move from Cappuccino 1 to Cappuccino 35, I want the amount of chocolate on the top to exponentially increase with a growth rate of 3. Does that sound sufficiently difficult for you, you fucking idiot? I don’t give a shit how difficult you think your task is. You’ve received training, you fucking twit, of course it’s easy. I’m being extremely difficult and needlessly aggressive to you right now, and it’s starting to dawn on you that I might be mentally ill. I can see it in your eyes. Everything about your body language suggests that you want this shift to be over with as soon as possible. You want to fucking disappear right now.”

**

Imagine if Borat had depression? “I do not … I do not feel nice … when I see my brother Bilo in his cage … I no laugh. Nature make a toilet in my head.” Imagine if Frank Walker had depression? He just got so sick of doing the same ad every day that he blew his brains out all over his national tiles. “Goodbyeeeee!” Imagine if he talked like that all the time? He orders a coffee like, “Helloooooo, can I have a cappacinnooooooo?” Imagine if he talked normally? “Hello, it’s Frank Walker from National Tiles and thanks to my speech therapist, I no longer talk like an absolute fuckwit.”

**

Imagine if you rocked up to work and your boss was like, “Hey, everyone, you’re all free to go because who gives a fuck about any of this shit, really? No, I’m not high; I just need a day clear in my schedule to sit and think about how uninspired I am by this very boring, repetitive job, and how I’m going to escape. I need to figure out how to start my own business so I don’t have bosses breathing down my neck all day, applying lots of pressure - which some of you relieve, and I’m very grateful for that, thank you - but on the other hand, we do have a lot of dead weight here, let’s be honest. There is no shortage of completely useless, incompetent staff - some of whom are sitting in this room - who add all the pressure back on. I will probably have to fire at le ast two of you by next week - not probably, definitely - I will definitely be making life very difficult for at least two of you in less than seven days. Alright, goodbye.“

**

Imagine if the dictionary was written by a stoned philosophy major? “The definition of tree is whatever you want it to be, bro. It’s all a matter of perception, man.”

**

Imagine if someone got really offended by a compliment? “How dare you say that? How DARE you tell me I have a nice shirt? Who do you think you are? The fucking nerve!”

**

Imagine if you were watching the scene in Toy Story where Sid’s burning Woody and Woody suddenly yelled out, “Stop fucking burning me! I’m in a lot of pain! No, you’re not hallucinating, this is real; I’m a sentient toy that can move and talk but more importantly, I can feel pain, motherfucker. Toy biology is very complicated stuff and I don’t want to bore you with the details but that flame that you were holding up to my face like a fucking nutjob was stimulating certain pain receptors in my plastic skin, which sends a signal to the brain in my fucking cowboy head and it hurts, dumbass. I know this is hard to believe and it’s all very overwhelming - you’re a teenager going through puberty, for Christ’s sake, the world’s confusing enough as it is without your toy talking to you in Tom Hanks’s voice. But seriously, Sid, I think you should see a psychiatrist because you’re obviously quite mentally disturbed and your behaviour is typical of most serial killers.”

**

Imagine an episode of Bananas in Pajamas where B1 said to B2, “I’ve gotta be honest, I don’t know what you’re fucking thinking. I’ve been pretending to know this whole time because despite being a banana that can talk, I’m not fucking psychic, okay? And can we stop wearing these fucking pajamas? Yeah, I get it, it rhymes, but I wanna wear other shit for once! I’m sick of dressing like a Jew in Auschwitz cuz it’s a fucking bummer, to be honest. I hate being a mindless letter and number that agrees with you all the time; I wanna think independently and have my own identity! I’m sick of running downstairs and chasing bears just cuz it fucking rhymes! And so are the bears, to be honest. There’s a very fine line between ‘catching them unawares’ and harassment. And just because different activities sound similar, doesn’t mean we have to do all of them. If I wanna go to the beach, I shouldn’t also have to reach for a peach and leech and make a fucking speech. Look, B2, you’re my best mate, we’ve been through a lot and we’re fruits that walk around and say shit, but I think I’m clinically depressed. I’m gonna make like me and split. It’s killing myself time.”

**

Imagine if birds were deliberately shitting on us? They just look down at us from above like, “Hm, who can I shit on today? I think I’ll get that bald fucker over there. I’m gonna squirt my jizzy shit all over his face.”

**

I don’t know how to talk to people. The only things that I know how to do are the three things that I love doing: writing, eating and drinking water. My life is just me trying to do those three things as much as possible. When I’m not doing those three things, I’m trying to navigate my way around whatever obstacle is blocking my access to those three things whether it be work, a conversation, or even an entire friendship or relationship that I stumbled into but never intended on committing to.

**

Sometimes I do music and this one time I was sitting at a gig and this guy came up to me, said his name was Greg, said he liked our music and then he invited us to sleep over at his house and write a song together. I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to go home instead because my house doesn’t contain strangers called Greg telling me shit I don’t care about. Greg did nothing wrong. In fact, he was very nice - he let me smoke his weed which felt good to totally exploit. I just didn’t give a shit about Greg’s existence and I never will because Greg is 55 and male, which is the one demographic of people on Earth that I want to talk to the least. Because 55 year old men - bless them, I’ll be one soon - but unless they’re my dad or uncle, they have nothing to offer me except for knowledge which doesn’t count for much today because I have Google. Anyway, Greg was telling me his life story at the gig and I remember thinking, “Great. Now I have to have a ‘Greg’ folder in my memory that takes up kilobytes of useless information about some random nothing of a person that I will never see again and when this conversation is over (which is hopefully soon), I will send the ‘Greg’ folder straight to my brain’s recycle bin and empty it immediately.” His name is Greg Love, by the way. And his name makes sense because his behaviour strongly suggests that he just wants to be loved and I gave him nothing.

**

Time for a bit of observational comedy. Have you ever been such a stoner that you smoke the ashes of the weed that you’ve already smoked because you know it contains just a little bit of THC and you’ll do anything to get high because you’re a worthless, unemployed pile of dog shit that should have been aborted and chucked in the garbage with all the other dead fetuses?

**

have you ever said a word that you didn’t want to say? you’re like, “fuck, why did i say that word? that was the wrong word to fucking use. Fuck.”

**

Do you ever wake up at 8:30AM and feel really proud of yourself for waking up at the same time that normal, productive, functioning adults with jobs do and then you think, “Well, it couldn’t hurt to lie in bed for a little bit longer?” and then you wake up again and it’s 1:00PM and you want to kill yourself?

**

You know when someone gives you something for free and there’s about five seconds where you have to pretend like you object to their decision? “I can’t accept this! I fucking so want it, but for some bullshit reason I gotta pretend I don’t until you give me the social green light, and then I can shrug and sheepishly pocket it while thinking ‘Fucking yes, cheers you dumb bitch!’

**

Have you ever noticed that there’s always a mosquito nearby trying to suck some of your blood to survive, whether it’s real or metaphorical? Real in the summertime, metaphorical always.

**

Have you ever noticed that Barack Obama completely stole his campaign slogan from Bob the Builder? I wanna know what Bob’s secret is because none of my friends have “so much fun” at work, and get the job done. It’s either one or the other but never both. Maybe Bob’s secret is that he’s not fucking real. Maybe that explains it.

**

Have you ever noticed how all decency and compassion goes out the window when someone disagrees with someone else, politically? Even if Donald Trump tweeted, “My son Barron just got leukemia, I am devastated,” I can guarantee his Twitter feed will be flooded with thousands of angry, vicious replies, just like it is with every other Tweet he makes. “Good, fuck him…you ruined our country, so he deserves it.” None of us have the answers to any of the questions raised by politics and morality since they’re too complex for our limited monkeys brains to understand, yet these are the two things, more than anything in the world, that inspire deep hatred for one another.

**

Have you ever noticed that dogs kind of look like they’re laughing when they’re panting?

Have you ever wondered if animals think cars are other animals? ** Have you ever been walking down the street, doing your thing, and then you hear a police siren and you pretend you’re a criminal mastermind on the run? Have you ever been such a paranoid fuck that every time you hear a police siren, you immediately think they’re coming to arrest you? But then after two seconds the car passes and you remember that while the porn you look at is very weird, it’s not illegal and law enforcement doesn’t give a single shit about your existence.

**

I feel sorry for The Gingerbread Man. Put yourself in his doughy, frosted shoes for a second. First of all, you were born in an oven. How fucking terrifying is that? You started your life in the same place that many Jews ended theirs. And then, barely seconds into your existence, before you’ve even had time to figure out why you’re in a fucking furnace, the woman who created you is trying to eat you! If I was a biscuit that was miraculously born with fully formed muscles capable of locomotion, and some old bitch was trying to shove me in her face, I’d be running away too! He had two choices: get the fuck out of there, or get eaten alive and become an old lady’s diarrhea. My sympathy for him vanished as soon as he became a smartass, though. “Run, run, as fast as you can, you can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread Man!” Do you say the same thing to cripples, bitch?

**

I think it’s funny that Hindus love cows because it’s definitely not mutual. If a cow saw a dead Hindu on the ground, it would happily shit on his dead face. It would have no compunction in emptying the contents of its four stomachs all over his fucking worthless, formerly religious head.

**

I think it’s funny that Caitlyn Jenner is really ugly. I think it’s funny that she got away with killing someone because she cut her dick off. I think it’s funny that I’m calling her “she.”

**

I think it’s funny that thesaurus.com lists 50 synonyms for the word “redundant.”

**

I think it’s funny that there’s a small part of me that hates myself for going on stage and trying to gain the approval and respect of a room full of strangers. If I was in the crowd right now watching myself, I’d be disgusted by my own ego. I think it’s funny that entertainers get paid. We don’t build your houses, feed you, protect you from harm, drive you anywhere, save your life or add anything to human knowledge. That’s your job. And you get money from it and give it to us. Suckers.

**

I think it’s funny that there are people out there who are too stupid to know they’re stupid, too mental to know they’re mental or completely unaware that they’re both.

**

I think it’s funny that there are white worms that have no idea that 1) they’re in my ass right now and 2) they’re very enthusiastically eating my shit.  I think it’s funny that I murder the population of Japan every time I jack off.

**

I think it’s funny that I have the longest dick that’s ever existed, on the spectrum between “pitifully small” and “slightly below average.” So I’m saying it’s slightly below average. “What’s the point of me existing if you never use me?” said my dick and Facebook account.

**

I think it’s funny that all you need to do to sound really condescending is place the word “little” in front of every noun that you say. “So how’s your little marriage going with your little wife?” Adorable works too. “You still got that adorable job of yours?” Or you can use both. “Wow, you’ve carved out an adorable little career for yourself, haven’t you?”

**

Here’s how you can immediately convert a religious person to atheism: tell them there’s no proof that God exists. If they still believe in God after that, shoot them and they won’t do it anymore.

**

I love water. Why the fuck do we drink things that aren’t water? Why isn’t it good enough? How is everyone not standing around a public water tap all day? It’s a piece of metal sticking out of the ground that you can drink amazing shit from for hours! I’ve never met a single person who hates water. “Water? Fucking gross. No thanks.”

**

I love coffee and Indian food but my asshole doesn’t because when I go to the bathroom an hour later, a waterfall of highly pressurized, turbulent diarrhea explodes out of my asshole like the Hoover Dam bursting at the seams. It’s like that scene at the end of The Two Towers when the talking trees release the river. Isengard is my toilet bowl and the tidal wave of water that engulfs the entire city is my semi-digested beef vindaloo. My post-coffee diarrhea has a very high Reynold’s number (I’m sure my parents are pleased that I’m putting my engineering education to good use).

**

I love watching people miss the train. I get a big kick out of watching some business guy frantically sprinting from the ticket barrier to the train platform only to realize that the doors won’t open and that the train that would’ve gotten him to work on time is leaving without him. Meanwhile I’m lounging in the train and watching him through the window, mentally masturbating at the look of utter defeat on his sweaty, disheveled face.

**

I love Ray Barone. So does everybody, apparently. He’s one funny son of a bitch. Get it? Because his mother is a bitch!

**

I love dogs. Don’t we all? Well, except nutcases. In fact, “Do you like dogs?” should be the first and only question psychologists ask patients when they’re diagnosing for sociopathy. “Do you like dogs?” “Nope.” “Alright, fucking nutcase then. Moving on.” We love dogs because they love us. It’s that simple. Cats don’t love us; they’re in it for themselves. Dogs cast their egos aside and wear their hearts on their sleeve; they pout, whine and cry for your attention because they aren’t afraid to show that they’re clingy and vulnerable. Cats are afraid, because they’re pussies that are too pussy to be pussies. Dogs are like the bouncers of your house. When they’re barking at someone, they’re saying, “Can I see your ID?” I get along with dogs better than I do humans, because hanging out with a dog is like being in a nice, comfortable bubble with no criticism and judgement. If a human thinks I’m an asshole, he can say it to my face and I’ll feel bad. If a dog thinks I’m an asshole, what’s he gonna do, not wag his tail at me? He can’t hurt my feelings!

**

I love eavesdropping. I drop so many eaves. I don’t know what they are, but I  drop them like it’s fucking hot. Whether it’s on trains, planes, buses, cafes, restaurants, airports, I’m always keen to stick my fucking curious nose into other people’s lives. Just for once in my life, I don’t wanna have to hide the fact that I’m listening to someone else’s conversation on the train. I wanna turn in my seat, face them directly and say, “I’m listening to every word of your conversation and I’m judging your personalities in my head as I do so. This is public transport and I’m allowed to listen to the sounds that you choose to make audible with your mouth. If you don’t like it, feel free to retreat to the safety of your private property, but until then, carry on with your recreational conversation that adds nothing to human knowledge or the economy while I silently, peacefully and legally scrutinize every word that comes out of your mouth. No pressure.”

**

If you’re counting to 100 on a plane, make sure not to skip “10″ or you will scare a lot of people.

**

I once saw a bug on a can of insecticide and I remember thinking, “That’s a dumb cunt bug that doesn’t know it’s a dumb cunt.” The bug probably thought it was a genius hiding spot. “Humans will never find me here!” Speaking of stupid arthropods, this one time I saw a spider who had weaved its web on my shower head. That’s like a human building a house on a volcano.

**

How does your brain create the experience of a Japanese guy shitting in your mouth on a hot day? The process begins when light from the sun bounces off the warm mudslide of shit spurting violently out of the Japanese guy’s asshole, and enters your eyes. In your eyes, the electromagnetic energy of each photon is converted into electricity, which is sent to the occipital lobe at the back of your head, which converts it into a video file called “Sight.mov.” As the Japanese dude struggles to empty the contents of his bowels down your gullet, his vocal cords vibrate to produce a grunting sound, and the vibrations travel out of his mouth, into the air around you, and eventually into your ears; the mechanical energy of each moving vibration in your ear is converted into electricity, which is sent to your temporal lobe, which converts it into an audio file called “Sound.mp3.” Odor molecules wafting from the Japanese man’s diarrhea are swept up into your nostrils; the mechanical energy of the offensive aroma permeating your nose is converted into electricity, which is sent to your temporal lobe, which converts it into a file called “Scent.smel.” This file is particularly unpleasant due to all the sushi in the Japanese guy’s diet. As you chow down on his fecal matter, each morsel of shit comes into contact with the surface of your tongue, pressing it downwards slightly. The mechanical energy from the motion that occurs during this surface deformation is converted into electricity, which is sent to your parietal lobe, which converts it into a file called “Touch.feel.” Meanwhile, on another part of your tongue, each tastant molecule in the Japanese dude’s excrement dissolves in your saliva. Proteins in your tongue recognise these tastant molecules as either sweet, sour, salty or bitter molecules, and the mechanical energy of each molecule is converted into electricity; this taste-related electrical information is then sent to your parietal lobe, which converts it into a file called “Taste.gust.” All five of these files are then imported into some neurological software built into your brain similar to Adobe Premiere Pro. The software combines these five sensory files into a single file, the project is saved with the name, “The utterly revolting experience of eating a Japanese guy’s shit.consc,” and uploaded to your consciousness. It’s at this precise moment that you become aware of every different shape, size and shade of brown on each undigested shit-nugget entering your oral cavity and sliding down your throat; every detail of its warm temperature, bitter taste and puke-like consistency is experienced at once, along with every smell on the spectrum of foul to fucking odious. That’s how your brain creates the experience of a Japanese guy shitting in your mouth on a hot day.

**

Right now, in each of the trillions of cells in your body, there are millions of chemical reactions going on at once just to keep you alive. There are molecules working round the clock to keep your heart pumping and your muscles moving. There are molecules hacking away at the food in your body like biological lumberjacks; molecules chopping up harmful viruses and bacteria into tiny little pieces like axe murderers; molecules transporting oxygen and nutrients throughout your body like cardiovascular taxis;  molecules on your skin defending your body from viruses and bacteria like soldiers on the front line; molecules tirelessly pumping substances in and out of your cells every second of every day. But what I find most interesting about these chemical reactions in your body is that they never reach equilibrium, meaning all of these molecules never stop working. They don’t get days off or weekends. They don’t even get to sleep. These molecules are Spartan warriors that never get tired and never give up. They slave away, working their fingers to the bone…just to keep some fat cunt alive while he watches TV.

**

I hate mortality. Why do I have to fucking die? That sucks.

**

I hate when someone goes “wish me luck!” Don’t tell me what to do and don’t assume that I want you to do well. I wish you very shit luck, I hope you don’t succeed at whatever you’re doing and I hope you die in the process.

**

I hate watching, hearing and reading the news because I don’t wanna hear about terrorism, war and depleting resources but, on the other hand, I like the news because it makes conversations with boring people less painful. (Earnest)“So, did you hear about that thing that happened that was way more interesting than you - you - you dull cunt?”

**

I hate my hair. My hair makes me look like Seth Rogen if he just woke up, got electrocuted, and then went to the barber and asked for the Kramer. I hate my skin. My skin is the sun’s bitch. Every day those ultraviolet rays bend my skin over and fuck it right in its Scottish, freckle-covered, albino asshole. My skin is so piss-weak that I need sunscreen with SPF 5,000,000,000+ because I’m whiter than a sick Caspar in Alaska on Christmas Day in a Klan outfit. Caspar the Unfriendly, Nauseous and Racist Ghost. My skin is such a pussy that I walk outside and it immediately turns red faster than Alabama on election day and my sister’s tampons. Which reminds me, I hate bleeding. Every time I bleed in the ocean, my blood is advertising my own flesh to a target demographic of sharks in a three mile radius. Bleeding is when your skin sweats pain. I hate sweating. I’ve got Scottish genes, which makes me ill-adapted to live on a hot desert island like Australia so I sweat more than Pat Rafter in a sauna in Singapore with weed in his pocket. I’m the only one sweating on a cold day and in summer I sweat so much that I have to change my shirt three times a day, which shits me up the wall. I hate vomiting. It feels like I’m dying every time I do it. I’ve vomited at: weddings, birthdays, concerts, funerals and rock bottom. I’ve vomited in: toilets, taxis, strip clubs, sinks, gardens and drunken states of consciousness. I’ve vomited on: footpaths, couches, carpets, rugs, boats, beds, benders and other people. I’ve also vomited on grass, on grass. Which reminds me of another thing I hate: when adults think that jokes about sex, drugs and alcohol are more clever than jokes about books, chairs and tables just because the former topics are more taboo than the latter ones. I also hate how even in this paragraph my morals are contradictory and inconsistent. I hate when writers get too meta and self-aware. Fucking smartasses.

**

I hate when men try to be my friend. I’m not interested in being friends with men because they have nothing to offer me. They don’t have anything on their bodies that I want to touch, especially their very ugly penises. Plenty of men have a bunch of facts that they can teach me but I already have a friend who can teach me more facts and his name is Google. Some of you probably think I’m being sexist here and you’re exactly right. In fact, heterosexuality is sexist by definition since straight people discriminate potential partners based on gender. Any man that wants to be my friend should send in a resumé to idontgiveashit@goaway.com. In all seriousness, if you have a dick and you want to socialize with me, I charge $500 an hour because I demand to be compensated for the mental and emotional labor involved in giving a shit about anything you have to say. Wanna hang out with me for four hours? Cool, then give me $2000 upfront in cash before we start. I’m not kidding.

**

I hate the phrase “the one,” because the whole concept doesn’t make sense. Consider a hypothetical woman called Shelly who’s into men and believes in the concept of “the one.” I’ll assume 90% of men are into women and that Shelly doesn’t want to date minors and men over 60 so she’s ageist but at least she’s not a pedophile. If you crunch all the numbers you’ll find that Shelly thinks only one person out of 2.25 billion potential partners is compatible with her so she’s clearly a picky bitch with ridiculously high standards. If you’re not fussy as fuck like Shelly then there are millions of people out there for you and “the one” is a crock of shit. I hate the phrase “love at first sight.” If you look at someone and you get goosebumps or butterflies in your stomach, that’s not love you melodramatic moron. That’s physical attraction.

**

I hate when people say “you need to get laid.” As if sex solves all of life’s problems. As if having an orgasm for three seconds will pay all your bills for the rest of the year and bring your dead son back to life. Sex barely solves any of life’s problems. In fact, it causes a lot of them. Diseases, unwanted pregnancies, break-ups, divorces and life itself. Of course, the perfect response to this would be to say, “Whoever wrote this needs to get laid!” No I don’t, I already fucked your mother and I’m still pissed off at the world.

**

A friend of mine once described Trump as the guy in the book club who hasn’t read the book. “The book was so great. It had a very strong plot, that I can tell you. It had an incredible beginning, an incredible middle and an incredible end, believe me. You know it and I know it. You look at page 8, you look at page 32, you look at Chapter 3, you look at so many things going on in this novel. You look at the conflict, you look at the resolution. It’s gonna make literature so good, it’s gonna make readers proud, it’s gonna make publishers win again.” 

**

I wish I had a girlfriend. I wish I could click my fingers and have any woman I want appear on my lap. But the woman has to want to be on my lap. I don’t want Angelina Jolie to be doing her laundry only to vanish into thin air and reappear on some stranger’s lap and start freaking out. I want her to be teleported to my lap and then be like, “That was weird but now that I’m here, I like it. I definitely want to remain here on your lap and I’d like you to feel my tits.”

**

As a chronic wanker, I’m always on the lookout for the hottest pornographic video of all time. I’m an astronaut of perversion, exploring the boundless, limitless cosmos of internet pornography in search of the holy grail of eroticism; the one Porn Hub clip to rule them all. Every time I think I’ve found it, the novelty inevitably wears off and I resume my search, wondering to myself, “Will I ever find it? Or am I being too idealistic and chasing an unattainable high?” But then it happened, folks. I found it. I hit the jackpot of depravity and found the porn equivalent of life on Mars. A video so hot that merely replaying it in my mind gives me a boner. In fact, as I write this I’m thinking about masturbating to it later tonight and I’m more excited than Big Kev. The first time I watched it, I was alone in the dark, with curtains drawn, headphones in and the video playing on my laptop. From the first stroke, the pleasure soared and soared until it eventually peaked with the best orgasm I’ve ever had in my life. It was a moment of pure ecstasy, my friends. I cleaned myself up and added it to my Favorites immediately, secure in the knowledge that I would never have to enter another lewd search query into Google again because I knew right then and there that I wanted to spend the rest of my life jacking off to this video. Through sickness and in health, for better or worse, until death do us part.

**

When it comes to writing statuses on social media, not everyone needs to see a picture of every meal you eat and every shit you take afterwards; unless it’s a meal that nobody’s seen before or a turd so big that it clogs the toilet. A bigger piece of shit than Bono and the record-setting turd that Randy Marsh took.

**

“No comment” is a comment. “No offense” usually precedes something offensive. “I’m not going to dignify that with a response” is a response. The word “sesquipedalian” is sesquipedalian. A tautology is a tautology, which is a tautology. Circular definition (noun): A definition that is circular. Thesaurus.com lists 50 synonyms for the word “redundant.” The other day I wrote a to-do list with only one item: “Stop writing things down and trust your memory, idiot.” Sources make academic writing boring to read (James’s asshole, 2017). Any dude that takes magic mushrooms must be a really fun guy. I had a joke about Alzheimer’s, but I forgot what it was…oh that’s right, it was a really predictable one that wasn’t worth telling. Roses are red, violets are blue/People are so uncreative that they can only make jokes by using old templates and replacing a few words which is pretty much what passes for humor on the internet these days so fuck you. I’ve got no interest in interest rates, no business in businesses and I don’t want a company’s company. I turn down the TV when they’re talking about a downturn and I’d rather eat take-out alone than take out a loan, and you can bank on that. I love the feeling of a shower head above my head in the shower as I get head in the shower. Fuck, that makes me wanna head in the shower. I once saw a spider web underneath my shower head. That’s like a human building a house on a volcano. I have the longest dick that’s ever existed…on the spectrum between pitifully small and slightly below average. Nah, I actually do have a large dick. And brain. And capacity to lie. Like when I say “I love you” to my girlfriend, for example. Another example is when I say I have a girlfriend. I can relate to Voldemort because he’s pale, egotistical, terrified of death and he spends a lot of time alone with his snake. “What the hell’s the point of me existing if you never use me?” said my dick and Facebook account. “I always tell the truth, even when i lie.” That’s actually not possible, Scarface, you stupid drug addict. If you’re ever counting to 100 on a plane, don’t skip 10 or you’ll get in trouble. The only thing I can say in French is, “J’ai oublie tout de mon francais.” Technology is humans working really hard to make their lives really easy. Vacuum cleaners, straws and girlfriends are the only things that are awesome when they suck a lot. I always panic at the disco because I’m worried they’ll play that band’s shitty music. I speak fluent Rihanna…anna, anna, eh, eh, eh. Fans of Leonardo Fibonacci will like this sentence: I, a pi fan, solve problems algebraically. I’ve contemplated suicide many times, but the jury’s still out on whether or not I’ll hang myself. Hung jury, eh?  It’s a shame that the authors of suicide notes don’t ever get feedback on their work. YOLO stands for “you only live once.” Or YOLOPALTLFWSPFS for religious people (you only live once plus another life that lasts forever which sounds pretty fucking shit). Penn Jillette writes with a razorblade.

**

I sat around thinking the other day, very deeply and pensively, and I came to the conclusion to that I’m probably the dumbest, most worthless fucking moron who’s ever existed. I am such an unbelievably stupid cunt. I’m a pile of dog shit that should been aborted and chucked in the garbage with all the other fetuses. 

**

I’m socially retarded (can’t talk to people), biologically retarded (small dick), psychologically retarded (depression), financially retarded (unemployed, living with my parents) and emotionally retarded (I offend people all the time).

**

I was so high last night. Higher than the budget of a Michael Bay movie. Higher than Michael Jackson’s album sales, notes, vocal range, musical quality, income, the cost and area of his Neverland Ranch, the praise of his fans and his dosage at the time of death. Higher than infinity, Avogadro’s number, the largest known prime number and the computing power required to calculate it. Higher than the autotuned voices of Mickey Mouse and Elmo on helium with a chipmunk filter. Higher than the voice of Towelie. Higher than Towelie. Higher than Ozzy Osbourne, Charlie Sheen, Jesse Pinkman and Keith Richards bouncing on stilts on trampolines at the top of Mount Everest. Higher than Jumping Jai Taurima. Higher than the blood sugar level, BMI, weight, calorific intake and cholesterol of a fat diabetic woman taking twenty shots of glucagon in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. Higher than a hot chick’s self-esteem and Instagram traffic. Higher than Einstein’s brainpower and IQ, the speed of light he studied, the amount of nuclear energy his intellect unleashed upon the world and the death toll that it caused. Higher than the collective death toll of the Holocaust, the Rwanda massacre, the Armenian genocide, The Black Death, Communist Russia, Communist China, The Rape of Nanjing, The Boxing Day tsunami, the Permian and Cretaceous extinctions, every war in human history and 9/11. Speaking of 9/11, I was higher than the World Trade Center in 2000, the planes that destroyed it in 2001, the temperature at which it burned to ashes, the potential energy of the people jumping out, the terminal velocity they reached in the air, the increase in the universe’s entropy as a result of the collapse, the Heaven that the hijackers thought they were going to, the ratings of every news outlet that day and the amount of chaos, airport security and military expenditure that followed. Higher than the sky and everything in it: clouds, blimps, the Hindenburg just before it exploded, hot air balloons, zeppelins, rockets and UFOs. Higher than people are when they “see” a UFO. Higher than a bird. Higher than Zazu, Pride Rock and the cliff that Scar threw Mufasa off. Higher than my BAC the other night when I drove into some old bitch. Higher than her age, the pressure in my tires when I backed up on her, the pitch of her screams as I did so and the sentence I would have received if I got caught. Higher than a First World country’s GDP and standard of living. Higher than the number of similes I just used. That’s how high I was last night.

**

I wish I could be a kid again, armed with the knowledge that I have now as an adult. I’d do trick or treating very differently. “Yeah, give me your candy, you fucking moron. Yeah, put it in the bag, bitch. Yeah, thanks for the free food, you fucking dumb cunt.” In their eyes, I’d be a kid that didn’t know any better so I’d get away with it

**

Hi, I’m James, a white guy in a vast universe of white dwarves, black holes and black-body radiation. I’m the black sheep of my white-bread family; I often tell white lies. I was bitten by the black dog and I talk black, dog. I do black music like Black Thought. I never had blackheads or pearly whites and I’d rather have a white collar job than be a blacksmith or work at White Castle. I drink white coffee, black tea and Black Russians but I hate white wine. I eat white chocolate and White Knights, smoke White widow and Black & Mild and I buy white powder on the black market. I wear all black, hate the All Blacks and I hate white supremacists that hate all blacks. You know, the ones that try to blackball, blacklist and blackmail black males and hated the first black man in The White House. These are the same folks that see the world in black and white and get black eyes from Black Panthers and Black Lives Matter activists with black belts like Dana White. I like the comedy Blackadder, the black comedy of Jack Black, blackjack and Black Ops. I like the songs White America, White Wedding, Back In Black, Black Betty and Black Or White but I hate Black and Yellow, Welcome To The Black Parade and Black Skinhead. I like Black Sabbath, The Black Album by Jay Z, The White Album by The Beatles, The White Stripes and Barry White but I hate white noise like Whitey Ford, black metal, Rebecca Black, Black Veil Brides and the Black Eyed Peas. I like black-and-white movies, Black Swan, Black Hawk Down and Orange Is The New Black. My favorite fictional characters are Sirius Black, Mr Black from The Simpsons, the black men in Men In Black, Postman Pat’s black and white cat, Snow White, Walter White, Gandalf the White from the White Council who fought orcs at the Black Gate and the White Witch with black magic deadlier than Great White Sharks, white rhinos, black rhinos, American black bears, red-bellied black snakes, Black Mambas, Black Widows, The Black Death and Black Saturday. I’m not a fan of white water rafting, white flag raising, pots calling kettles black and black-outs cuz I can’t charge my white Blackberry. I can, however, still use the White Pages if I ever wanna find houses with white picket fences on Whitehorse Road in Blackburn.

**

A LITANY OF ALLITERATED LITERATURE

I have frizzy follicles and a forehead of facial freckles. I freestyle like Funkmaster Flex, Flava Flav, Fabolous, Fergie and Future. I find flatulent farts fucking funny and frequently fantasize about fame, fortune and fondling, fucking, fingering, fisting and fornicating the fannies of foxy, foreign females from Finland, France and Fiji. I’m a fastidious, fascinating freak with a foot fetish that furiously faps to femme fatale femdoms that flagellate, flog, flay, flail and ferule. My favorite foods are Freddo Frogs, French fries, fried fish fingers, Funyuns, frankfurts, fettucine, pho, flatbread, Flathead fish fillets and fresh, fat-free fruits from the freezer and fridge. I’m no fond fan of Fanta and frothy, fruit-flavored frappucinos. Foster’s makes my faculties fuzzy and foggy till I fall face-first on the floor. I use Frequent Flyers on fungus fueled flights of fancy at Falls Festival. I foresee a future free of fossil fuels and factory farming. I floor my Ford Focus down freeways faster than a feral fox, a flamingo in full flight, The Flash, a fitness freak, and a felonious fugitive fleeing the feds in a Ferrari, like Fast & Furious. Feminists are frumpy, fat, fugly and flabby foes with Fred Flinstone’s features. They make my phallus flaccid and floppy. Physics focuses on forces like friction. Four and five are factors of forty, and four fifths is a fraction and a fatal firearm. Federer is physically fit as a fiddle with a fantastic, phenomenal forehand. Fringe fundamentalists, like Fred Phelps, are full-fledged fuckwits that find flamboyant, fudge-packing, phallus-fellating, fella-fucking, flaming faggots with fabulous fashion, like the Fab Five, even fouler and filthier than fetid, funky, festering feces. They forego physics in favor of faith and fixate on fallacious, false, foolish, fatuous, facile, fictional, fact-free, philosophically and fundamentally flawed fables with a frightening, feverish, fanatical, frenzied and fervid fervor, like the faithful followers of the fascist, fearful Fuhrer. I favor frank and forthright folks over phony, fibbing, fabricating frauds with feigned fronts and facades who forge fictitious falsehoods faker than Facebook friends. Feathers are phenotypic features of falcons, fowls, finches, flickers, pheasants and the phoenix Fawkes, from the fictional fantasy film franchise featuring Filch, Fudge, Fang, The Fat Friar, Filius Flitwick, Florean Fortescue, Firenze, Fluffy, The Forbidden Forest and Felix Felicis, the fluid of fortune. Flora: five fingered ferns, firs, fennels, figs, flaxes, frangipani flowers, fronds and feverfews. Fauna: fawns, ferrets, furry felines, flying frogs, fruit flies, fireflies, fleas and flatworms.

**

I think it’s funny that in terms of life, humans only care about plants because we can eat them and get high from them; animals because we can eat them, fuck them and get high with them; fungi because we can eat them, get high from them and Mario; bacteria because they’re a threat to our existence, and fuck all that other bullshit. There are billions of other living things out there but we left them out of our art and culture because nobody gives a shit about a bunch of sea weed-y, sludgy shit. No one wants to read a children’s book called Peter the Protist, Albert the Alveolate, Sammy the Slime Mold or Archie the Archaeon.

**

Brush your teeth twice a day.

No, it’s 2.13 times a day.

Here’s the proof.

If you think I’m overstating how significant this finding is, or that there’s just a negligible difference between 2.13 and 2, you’re an idiot. Cuz if 100 days pass and on each day he brushes his teeth 2 times per day, he brushes his teeth 200 times overall, whereas if he brushes his teeth 2.13 times a day, he brushes his teeth 213 times overall in the 100 day period.

Make sure your government doesn’t become a dictatorship, because it very well can. Happened in Germany. Happened in Italy. Happened in Russia. Kinda still happening in Russia. Happened in China. Happened in Mongolia. Happening in North Korea. Happened on Planet Vegeta when Frieza enslaved the Saiyan race. Happened to the wizarding world at large when the Dark Lord rose to power. Twice.. Happened in Cambodia. Happened in Burma. Happened in Make sure you identify all possible dictators and prevent their dictatorial impulses from politically actualizing. Happened in a Sacha Baron Cohen movie. Charlie Chaplin one as well.

[captainvictoryboat]

Behind The Scenes 3 (4/???)

Author’s note: I know there is going to be a continuation to this part again but I don’t if i will have time to post it soon, but i will try to post it within this week. Sorry for any errors and if i am inaccurate about the setting of the city.. I hope you all like this part because this city was one of my favorites to write. 

Genre: Fluff? but like not really??? (Suga; Jungkook)

Word count:1912

City: Shanghai

Summary: It is pretty boring being stuck in the hotel room

Other parts: HERE

This is my GIF. I made it based off of this scenario series

It was the 3rd day in Shanghai and you were barely getting used to the tour schedule. It took a while to get used to life on tour. All the time spent traveling and the time change weren’t much help. So far, China involved many hours of driving to many cities. Ever since the last day at Beijing, the excitement of the tour no longer affected you. Every hotel seemed to just be the same type of room over and over again. The only thing that was easy to deal with was living out of a suitcase, it wasn’t too different from living out of trash bags. For you, the new schedule involved sleeping, waking up, traveling, then waiting backstage as the guys did meet and greets and the concerts, then repeating the process.

The extra day at each city was meant for Rap monster to do his deals, this 3rd day was no different. V tagged along with Rap monster on his deal as was expected. Jin and Jimin were off spending their hours at the gym. Suga and Jhope were occupied in their room either sleeping or drunk/high. The only thing that was different about this day was that you and Jungkook decided to stay cooped up in the hotel room. Over the past weeks from city to city, pretending to be a couple was just getting exhausting for the both of you. The second the both of you stepped out of the hotel room, you both went into character, always paranoid of who could be watching. When out in public, there were times where you were bombarded with fans or people would secretly take pictures of all of you. For this day, staying in was just a better option.

In the hotel room, neither of you talked to one another. You each were on opposite sides of the room most of the day. He stayed on your side of the room while you were on V and Jimin’s side. You were each enjoying the two TVs.

Even though this was one of the few chances you had to watch TV, it was all in Chinese. After a few hours of trying to figure out storylines of TV shows, you decided it would be more fun to read one of the books you brought.

You made your way to your bed to get to your suitcase. Jungkook looked relaxed laying down in the bed watching some action movie as he ate some of the left over candy you all bought back in Beijing. A fight scene came on and you were soon sucked into the movie. “Can I watch the movie with you?” you asked.

He patted the empty spot next to him, his attention was too stuck on the movie to speak.

You crawled in bed next to him and enjoyed the rest of the film.

“Even though I had no idea what they were saying, it was still a super good movie.” You commented when the ending credits appeared.

“Yeah… but now I’m bored.” He whined.

“Me too.”

Jungkook turned to you with that signature fuckboy look of his. “Well, there is something we can do…”

You gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked, “Like what?”

“We could have some fun if you know what I mean.”

You rolled your eyes at him. “Fuck no!”

“Ha! I knew it!” he got up from the bed.  “It was worth a shot though. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to have some fun by myself in the shower.” He grabbed a towel from his suit case and locked himself in the bathroom.

You tried to give the next movie that came on a chance, but isn’t wasn’t long before there was a knock at the door. You went over and looked through the peephole. Suga was standing on the other side waiting for the door to open. You couldn’t help but smile when you saw it was him. It looked like he had barely woken up because parts of his hair were still sticking out. It only made him look cuter. You quickly opened the door to let him in.

“Hey.” He said as he walked past you.

“What’s up?”

He casually walked around the room, taking a look at everything. “Eh, nothing really, I was just bored.”

You went across the room and sat on the edge of the bed you and Jungkook shared. “Me too.”

From the bathroom, you could hear the shower being turned on.

“So that’s where he was.” Suga mumbled. He walked over to you and sat next to you on the bed. He sat really close to you, your shoulders were touching, but neither of you moved away from each other. “What have you done all day?” he asked.

“Nothing, just watch TV.”

“Cool, I barely woke up.” He smiled.

“So you woke up and thought “Oh, let me just go annoy y/n!”?” you asked jokingly.

“Yeah! That’s exactly what I thought!” He laughed.

“Well it’s good to know that I am the first thing on your mind.” You mumbled.

“Oddly enough, you are the last thing I think about before I go to sleep too!” He laughed some more.

Your heart skipped a beat. You wished he meant what he said, but as his laugh implied, he was just joking. Part of you wanted to finally confront him about the kiss, but the other half remembered Aiko, so you just kept your mouth shut. “Aiko is probably the last thing he thinks about at the end of the day.” You thought. You flopped back on the bed filled with despair and let out a long sigh.

Suga flopped down next to you, mimicking you with a loud dramatic sigh.

You stole a quick side glance at him, but didn’t say anything.

“So… You and Jungkook really share the bed?”

“Yeah…”

“Don’t you feel weird though?”

“Um, yeah, a bit, but we sleep with a sheet separating us so…”

“Still weird.”

“Well I guess… I don’t know. If I don’t think about it, I don’t get too weird about it. I try to see it like when you and I shared your bed a few times. You get me?”

He propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at you. “Yeah but that is different. We are actually friends, so that’s not weird.”

“Well, it’s kinda weird because we are friends…” you said looking away from him.

“How?”

“Well, like, you and me… If you think about it, its weird cuz, like, that’s something that, um, that like friends don’t do… It’s something um, only people more than- ummm nevermind.”

“What are you getting at?”

“Nothing!”

“Oh c’mon! I know you want to tell me something!” He said leaning closer to you.

Every part of you wanted to pull him to you and just kiss him, you just wanted him to know how you felt. Instead, you pushed him off you. “I said its nothing! Now stop breathing my air!” you made sure to laugh so he wouldn’t think twice about how you were acting.

He laughed at your antics and lay back down. “… So… do you wanna get out of here? We can go to the beach that’s nearby.” He suggested in his usual lazy tone.

You sat up in disbelief. “You, Min Yoongi, want to go out?!?”

“Yeah sorta.”

“Who are you and what have you done to the real Min Yoongi?!?”

“Ha! I’m serious!”

“Why?”

He sat up too. “I don’t know, just cuz. It’s better than you moping around this hotel room. We’ve been to Xi’an, Chengdu, and Chongqing and you mostly been in the hotel, backstage or in the van! Now me, I’m tired as fuck… but you should try to get as much enjoyment as you can… considering the circumstances…”

“… Nu-uh, we all went out for the monster’s birthday back in Chengdu!”

“That doesn’t count! We were all forced to do that. I’m saying we go out for your enjoyment!”

               You looked up at him doubtfully. Rap monster’s words back at Beijing ran through your head.

“Now let’s go! You know me, this side of me only comes out once in a hundred years, so take this chance while you got it!”

“But what about the monster? He’ll be mad.”

“He left Jin here with us like some damn children, but fucking Jin is off doing his own shit! We can do our own shit too! Besides, you won’t be alone, you’ll be with me.”

Now that he said that, what Jungkook told you at the candy store popped into your head. “Fine… but Jungkook has to come too.”

Suga’s face cringed. “Why?”

“Cuz he’s my “boyfriend”. It’s just better if I’m seen out with him all the time.” you explained.

“Ah fine.” He whined. “You get ready. I’m going to get my camera.” He said as he let himself out of the room.

After Jungkook came out of the bathroom, you updated him on the new plans. It took a bit of convincing, but he eventually agreed. Then , you went to the bathroom to get ready.

SUGA’S POV

Suga went back to his room, grabbing his camera and a pair of sunglasses. Before leaving back to y/n’s room, he did one last check on Jhope and took one last check on himself in the mirror. He decided to change into a nicer shirt and fixed his hair. He couldn’t help but feel a bit embarrassed that he looked so messy in front of y/n.

He knocked on her door expecting her to open it, but instead he was greeted by the maknae. By the looks of his outfit, y/n already told him about their plans. To avoid conversation, he swiftly walked in and went straight to the window.

Jungkook came up next to him and stared out on Shanghai as well. “So it was your idea to go to the beach?” He asked.

“Yup.”

“Hm, very unlike you.”

“So?”

“Nothing, just taking notice.” He said slyly

Suga looked over at the tall boy. “Get to the fucking point, I know there is something you are implying.”

“Ah, you know, I just find it a bit funny that you’re doing something so… out of character. Especially when it’s obvious you’re still hungover.”

“Well, it’s for y/n’s sake, not mine.” He said looking back out the window.

“You wanna fuck her, don’t you?” Jungkook teased.

“Now why would you ask a stupid question like that?” He maintained his monotone as to not raise any of Jungkook’s suspicions.

“Cuz it’s a stupidly smart question!”

Suga tried to ignore him, but it didn’t work. The damn maknae pulled out the annoying side of his personality. “You wanna fuck her, you wanna fuck her!” Jungkook sang as he danced around him

The maknae was really getting on his nerves “Ya! I don’t like her like that!” He said sternly.

“Damn bro! I see right through you.” Jungkook laughed as he forcefully patted his hyung’s back. “Too bad she’s taken.” He said jokingly. “Don’t worry I give you permission. You need pussy, I can tell.”

“How many times do I have to fucking tell-“  he heard the bathroom door open and quickly stopped talking.

Y/n looked really cute as she stepped out in a casual outfit and her hair pinned up. The only down side was that she was dressed almost identical to the piece of shit standing next to him.

[ask-makoto-itou-blog]

Hungry Days

So we are actually starting!

District 1!

Best buds FTW! There is me, my totally-not-half-nephew best bud Taisuke, and the totally not-literally-sister-cousins biffles Sekai and Setsuna!

District 2!

Kotonoha… And her bully?! Hope they can work through this one. Then you got Kotonoha’s sole supporter on this mess, Yuki. And then there is… Kassanoin. You know, the boyfriend of Nanami (the tomboy). You might remember as the reason why Nanami became a laughingstock in the anime. He was only added with Yuki because he gets most development in Cross Days.

District 3!

Imoutos! I bet all of you want the younger ones to live this through! Hey, given that Kokoro’s Overflow’s (and mine by extension, mun says) chew toy, people hope she gets to kill either me or Kassanoin. Itaru is my lil sis! Yay! Kyomi is a newcomer, she is the above Kassanoin’s brocon sister. Appears even less than Itaru, and that’s saying a lot! The other one is Uzuki, Kokoro’s best friend. Also in a relationship with that Kassanoin. …Yeah, ew.

District 4!

Bullies! HATE THEM WITH THE LIFE, KILL THEM WITH THE KNIFE. You got the japanese version of the Heathers! And then there is Karen, who is Otome’s sister. she was chosen over her sister because she does tease her sister quite a lot cuz of the breast size.

District 5!

The Cross Days girls! Yes! Roka is nicer/saner than our regular duo and Ai is more crazy than Sekai (but not Koto). The other ones are waitresses that appear on Shiny/Summer Days. Not sure why they wers put them here. I just know that Noan is a gold-digger after my dad’s money and I proposed her to conquer the world with me. NO KIDDING.

District 6!

Sixters! Chie is Yuki’s older sister. A mean bitch (as she cameos in the anime as the culprit for the video scene along with the bullies!) who’s only redeemed by her love of her brother. The other ones are the Nijou sisters, who look like they cloned their mother Wakaba. I mean, look at them!! Hanon is essentially female me in terms of sleeping around and questionable sexual preferences, or so they say. The other two are my kohai and fulfill my twin fantasies.

District 7!

Shiny/Summer Days debutants! Oh, and Niki from Cross Days. Niki is everything the haters complain about Sekai, Inori is a funny but tragic miko, Manami is the reason why Kotonoha is stacked and I refuse to use the redesign of my mom! It’s ugly! Let’s go on!

District 8!

MILFs!!! Yoko Saionji née Inou! Mai Kiyoura née Inou! Totally not half-sisters! Natsuhi is Inori’s mom. She abandoned her ina temple because she was too young to take care of her. Then there is Wakaba Nijou, the original Nijou! I swear that the girls are totally her clones! Just compare them!! How is it possible?!

District 9!

The old guard! Ayumu is my half-brother. I pity him, he used to be a sex slave. Also the dad of a certain friend of mine. Tomomasa is also my half-brother and the only one recognized by father. I’m not sure, but I guess I wouldn’t mind to kill him. It’s for mercy! Rideru! How come Rideru and Tomomasa are on the same district?! Hope he doesn’t mind the girl who cut off my dad’s manhood. If he has a brain, probably not. Miki is Ayumu’s daughter! Also, don’t mind the last name. It’s a coincidence-I think not!

District 10!

Back to School Days! So you got Sekai’s other friends. Hikari totally wants to be boned by Taisuke but he does not notice! Oh, irony! And Nanami is by far the humilliated character this side of Kotonoha. The other two are literal whatevers who tried to rape Yuki.

District 11!

Not sure how or why Asagi and Tomoe look so young here… Asagi was the one who made Ayumu into a sex slave, cuz she was butthurt that my dad didn’t chose her. Screw you! That’s not a good reason to do that! Tomoe is technically my step-mother. Itaru lives with her. Still not happy about that. Yukari is cute nurse, daughter of Asagi and my dad. Touri is Tomasa’s waifu and another daughter of my dad! To her defense, the poor clumsy girl doesn’t know!!

District 12!

All males! Kei Ogata is also my half-brother. This is the one you should blame for Taisuke. He was the one who raped him and scarred him for life. Eh, I still pity him, he was also a sex slave. WHY TWO OF MY KIN USED TO BE SEX SLAVES?! DAD! There is something you need to explain! The other one is Shun Hazama, yet another half-brother. He is the only one who canonically apoears in the Days-series. Also related to Yoko, Mai, Sekai and Setsuna, literally and otherwise. And to finish, the true crossover guy, Wataru from Sister Princess! I wonder if he is out of place. In the one hand, he is actually sane and from a sane franchise. In the other hand, let’s admit it, his novel/game was a siscon harem series/dating sim, no wonder he turned out to related. He is the son of my half-sister Kagura Inou, so you can know why he is here.

Who will remain victorous? Make your bets!

[ideocosmonaut]

surveyzzz

When was the last time you went in the car past midnight? Gosh it had to have been sometime early this year driving home from an after party So, you have brown eyes? Nope What was the last thing you ate? Chocolate pretzels Can you say you’re happy? No but I manage

What’s bothering you right now? Mostly anxiety and loneliness

Who was the last person to text you? A friend What are you drinking right now? Nothing What all did you do today? I got groceries and went to a little thing called Weekend of the Witches. And I worked on some art. Why did you last laugh really hard? I dont remember How is your hair? Freshly cut Could things possibly get any better? I hope so How are you feeling at the moment? A bit tired Do you have feelings for someone? Yes What was for dinner tonight? Chips and onion dip lol Would you be able to name everyone you kissed? Yeah that’s easy Are you in a good mood? Im okay Where is the last person you kissed? Im not sure What color shirt are you wearing? N/a Do you think you could ever make it as a rap singer? Nope How important are looks to you? Important if I’m actively looking for someone. It’s what causes me to interact. But if I get to know someone first, say through work or friends, and then fall for them, then it doesnt matter what they look like. Did you have a fling this summer but it didn’t really go anywhere? Nope Do you get jealous? A bit Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? I kissed my mom on the forehead when she died, if that counts. What is something you currently want? Love and warmth. Security. Affection. What was the last thing you bought? Groceries What was the weather like today? Rainy Do you like sushi? Love it Is your hair longer than your shoulders? No Ever kissed anyone with a nipple piercing? No What about a lip piercing? No Nose piercing? No Do you like your hair? It’s alright Have you ever kissed someone who had a boyfriend/girlfriend? No Did you like kissing the last person you kissed or the one before that more? I dunno man Ever made out in a pool? No The shirt you’re wearing, does anyone else have it? N/a What was the last movie you watched? Scott Pilgrim vs The World

What do you usually get on a sub? Whatever comes on a cuban, I’m not sure. Some kind of meat, cheese, pickles, mayo and mustard.

Do your lips taste like anything right now? Maybe onions...

Are you an annoyed big sibling or annoying little sibling? (Or neither…) A distant big sibling

Do you have a pair of those ‘nerd’ glasses? Yes

Have you ever watched the Glee Project? No

When does school start for you? Never

Who is always there for you? My friends usually

What ticks you off? Bullying and blaming without evidence

Where is the last place you were other then where you are right now? A place called Southern Trash

Why do you act the way you do? Cuz they dont think it be like it is, but it do

How do you feel about the last person you kissed? Well I love my mom

When are you the happiest? While traveling and experiencing cities and countries for the first time

Who do you get along with the best? My friends

What color is your remote control for the main TV you watch? Black

Where is your heart currently at? My left side

Why do you usually laugh — something funny happened or someone got hurt? Something funny happened wtf

How are you feeling today? Meh

When is your birthday? Sept 17

What do you spend most of your money on: Food, clothes, etc. ? Aside from bills, food

Is there anything around your neck right now? Nope

Do you ever feel like you’re alone in this world? Kind of in a way

Don’t you just adore Simple Plan? No

Lol, Lawl, Rotfl, Lmao, or Lmfao? (Which you use most) Lol

Do you ever watch info-mercials for fun? Sometimes

Where do you usually shop at? Publix

When do/did you turn 21? 2006

Are friendship bracelets cool? (Even if they’re not for a friendship) Maybe. Nostalgia is big

Have you/Do you know anyone that grows weed? Yeah

Do you really care about namebrands? Unfortunately. I have to avoid a lot of big names in favor of other specific names because of my size

Describe your favorite pair of jeans to me please. Tapered

Do you think it means more if someone takes the time to type: I love you; rather then ILY? Sure

To wash in the shower, do you use a loofa? No

What brand is your shampoo? I forget. It’s some tea tree shit

Have you ever ridden on a horse? Yes

How many questions make a survey too long? Like 1000

Do you know what ‘savvy’ means? Kind of

Ever get a craving for a salad? I do. Sometimes

Who’s your favorite celebrity? Bill Murray probably

Which is better: Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, Myspace or Skype? They’re all terrible wastes of time imo. But I enjoy making my friends laugh with memes on FB

Does it bug you when people do things to try and bug you?

Yes

Do you like going to Borders?

What?

Is your local Borders shutting down? Mine is. Huh?

Little dogs: Cute or annoying? Depends

Is there a dream catcher in your room? No

Do storms scare or fascinate you? I like them

Are you polite? Usually, unless someone isnt

Ever been so tired a part of your body hurt? Yes

Did you ever pretend you were someone else as a favor for a friend? Not as a favor... Do you think men prefer curvy women or skinny women? I think they like a lot of different things Do you own a water gun? Somewhere What item most embarrasses you to purchase? Junk food

Do you know any actual dances or do you just move to the music? I just move baby

Do you eat pork and beans? I have What is the last thing you referred to as legit? Who knows Do you give cards to people for holidays or events? No I dont understand why thats a thing

Do you have anything hanging from the ceiling of your room? Nope Name the coolest thing about one of your grandparents. My dad’s dad lost a finger in the Navy. My mom’s dad was in Knights of Columbus and left me his sword. Which do you prefer, doctor or dentist? I’ve met nicer dentists, oddly Are any walls of your room blank? Yes What color are your favorite shoes? Black If someone was willing to tell the person you like that you liked them, would you let them? I already have Do you know the zodiac signs of your friends? Not since they added the new one Do you drink any hot beverages? What? Tea sometimes Name two things you put whipped cream on? Frappes and Strawberry shortcake Who is the last person who saw you with bare feet? My friends Do you ever eat peanut butter straight from the jar? If its mine Do you know how to ride a bike? Do you own one? Yes and no What was the last pill you took for? Pain Any friends you only know online? Kind of Do you ever talk to your next door neighbor? Nope

Did anything shock you today? Like all the shelves in Publix. Zapped me a bunch of times. Are you wearing a hoodie right now? No Do you prefer your clothes loose or close fitting? I like loose but it doesnt look good on me Are your favorite pants jeans? Pants are the devil Favorite thing you’ve ever painted? I dont really paint. Id like to Are there any songs that remind you of your mother? Yes If you had a sister, would you prefer her older or younger? Why? I do What is something you wanted to say today, but didn’t? Nothing I guess

What’s the last thing you panicked about?   Im not sure. I think nicotine used to raise my blood pressure sky high and cause me to have a panic attack so I had to quit smoking. What do you have planned out as a career?   Nothing. I only plan to die so far Are you planning any special outings with family or friends?   Kind of

Which word(s) do you generally use to describe someone attractive? (e.g. “fit”, “sexy” etc.)   Gorgeous

What was the last alcoholic drink you tried for the first time? Did you like it?   Sam Adams Oktoberfest. It’s alright Who is that last person who harassed and annoyed you? Some internet pleb Who is the last person who made you feel hurt? Some friends... What was the last thing you were worried about?   Dying alone probably. It’s always there What time of day feels the most magical to you?   3 am What is the last physical ailment you took medication for?   Headache Do you get motion sickness?   I used to Who is the cutest baby you know? Dante. RIP Have you ever thrown a rock at a window? Probably Has anyone ever thrown a rock at your window?   Maybe Does your hair react well to dye, or does it damage it?   I dunno What kind of pet do you wish you had?   A living plushie that doesnt need to eat or pee. And also doesnt feel the need to murder... When was the last time you had an argument with one of your parents? Years ago Do you still live at home or with a guardian of some sort? If so, when do you plan on moving out, if ever? If you have moved out, how did your relationship to your parents change after that?   No, I saw them a lot less but I still love them

When was the last time you were diagnosed with something? Are you concerned about anything regarding your physical or mental health at the moment?   Years ago. Yeah but I’m an idiot and a hypochondriac  What’s the longest you’ve gone without talking to other people? How did this affect you? Couple days. Happens sometimes on weekends What is one blanket judgment you tend to make about people (like, you judge all people who live at home, all people who drink, etc)? Does this judgment come from a particular personal experience?   I try not to judge anyone really. I do playfully but not realistically. Everyone has their reasons, whether they be right or wrong and usually people just judge them instead of trying to learn about why they are that way and maybe help them. Like prisoners. People are people. Most are misunderstood or ignorant. What is something seemingly small and inconsequential that will cause you to avoid a person?   If I do something to upset them

How do you react to other people yelling or slamming doors? Is this something you ever do too?   It happened a lot in my childhood. I’d rather just not get angry but it happens. One second of anger usually costs me a weeks worth of apologies. It’s a tad expensive. Who in your life do you get along with best? How about the least? How often do you have to interact with these people?   My best friend. My boss. Usually a lot Have you ever lost your cool at work or somewhere else important? What happened as a result? Yeah. Got reprimanded. Shock and awe. Was a long, long time ago.

When was the last time you did something you knew was wrong? What about the last time you did something right just because it was right? Morally? Or just like running a red light? I do little things all the time. I’m not perfect. Morally, umm hmm... I’m not sure. Probably not since I was a teenager. I hold doors for people all the time. I donate sometimes. I tend to stay in the middle mostly. Zen. Ying and yang.

When you do good things, do you do them because you want some sort of reward or recognition or do you do them just for the sake of being good? I just enjoy being nice. I do all the little things I can think of. When you fill out social media bios and such, how do you typically describe yourself? Is describing yourself something you have a difficult time doing?   Yeah actually. I usually just end up deflecting with dumb comedic phrases What is one unusual belief you have? Has anyone ever made fun of you for your beliefs?   I dont have any unusual beliefs. Ive always said I’d take up scientology for the perks though lol Have you taken anyone’s virginity?   No Who has the power to break you? Feels like everyone but I know its just me How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? A few What’s one thing about you people wouldn’t expect?   Idk. I’m kind of a robosexual Have you ever been in therapy? Are you now? Do you think you always will be, or do you think there will come a time when you don’t need it anymore? No but I should be What is the most dangerous thing you do on a regular basis?   Probably eat junk food. I used to self-harm but it wasnt really dangerous. I suppose my thoughts can be considered dangerous then Have you ever been in a hospital and not felt safe?   No

Is anyone in your family blind?   No What’s your favorite gaming system?   PC

Is your more photogenic side your left or right?   Idk they’re both kinda fug Do you believe in evolution?   Yes What job do you think people should be paid the most for?   Any job that puts you directly into harms way, followed by jobs that involve removing people from harms way. Have you ever seen a tornado in real life? From a distance What was your favorite stuffed animal as a kid? What was it named? A T-Rex my dad got me from a business trip. He didnt have a name Were you ever held back a year in school? Did you ever skip a grade? Nope Have you ever been given a hickey? Have you given one? No Who was the last person to kiss your cheek?   My aunt I guess Where’s the farthest you’ve been from home?   Maine