#I’m literally hardwired to assume responsibility for everyone else’s problems

[autumnhobbit]

Do you think it'd be okay to hate someone who abuses you? So I suffered physical abuse from my Dad, and I can't stay in the same room as him anymore, or even pick up his calls. Might be part of the reason I left religion so confidently. I think I'm just rambling and doing it on anon cause I'm a coward, but do you hate your abuser? Your Dad?

I want to. I can barely stand to be in the room with him, and a lot of the time every word he says ticks me off. Even when he’s not speaking and just being all weird and subdued and pouty he ticks me off. A lot of the time, for whatever reason, I’m more angry over what he’s done to me when he’s not around than I am when I’m around him and have to hide how angry I am to cope and to prevent any unnecessary blow-ups that’ll hurt everyone else.

I am juuuuuuuust this side of hating him. In all honesty the only thing that stops me from outright hating him is that I know hate is wrong. If I had a choice in the matter of what I felt then I certainly wouldn’t choose to hate him because I really do believe that Jesus taught against hate because it eats the hater up from the inside. It infects everything I do and think. It hurts me maybe even more than it hurts my dad, because he doesn’t know I hate him, and I do. He disgusts me, I’ll never trust him again, and I’m unspeakably angry about how he’s ruined me….but, barring instances where I am truly, past-the-point-of-no-return furious, I don’t say or admit that I hate him.

With him it’s a complicated situation anyway because I am fairly certain he has NPD—he would never be diagnosed because he’d never go to or listen to a therapist for long enough, but he checks literally every box on the Mayo Clinic’s list of criteria and I could give you a specific example for each one. And he was also abused. His parents were/are messed up in their own ways, and they shared. A lot. I don’t know if that makes it easier or harder to deal with, because I get to the point that I don’t care that he was hurt. He hurt me, and I haven’t become him. I’m in pain and insecure, and I don’t take it out on every other living being in sight. It wouldn’t bother me nearly as much if he would admit he had a problem and would apologize, but he’s incapable of that. He’s built up a wall around himself that retranslates everything that happens to him into a perfect illusion where he’s the goodguy and everyone else is evil and manipulative and out to get him.

I can’t imagine him actively trying to physically hurt me, however, and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. And I can imagine that it would be near-impossible to stifle hatred against that sort of thing.

I believe that things such as hatred are part of a natural and even healthy biological response; for instance, if you eat something poisonous and you get sick, you hate that food from there on, which keeps you away from it. I think this scenario is similar: your brain is hardwired to hate your father because he’s hurt you, and it’s a perfectly natural reaction. However, that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a good one.

I’m not going to try to be logical about this, because every logical answer has an excuse or a loophole. Jesus said we are to love our enemies. I consider my father my enemy. Jesus said if we say we love Him but hate our brother, we are liars and in darkness. I find it difficult to not be. It’s especially hard when you still have to live with your abuser—I don’t know if you’re in that situation or not—because the things of the past are long over in the abuser’s mind, but still remarkably fresh in yours, and you want to ‘forgive and forget’ but you cannot physically do it, and you’re still expecting the offenses to come…not unreasonably. But you cannot hate. It’s not acceptable.

But what exactly is the Christian definition of hate?

At its bare minimum, so far as I can tell it is wishing harm or hell (or both) on the person you hate. In my situation, I don’t want my dad to be hurt or killed for my own satisfaction, and I certainly don’t want him to go to hell. I worry he might if he doesn’t ever wake up and realize his actions have consequences, but I don’t want that to happen to him.

Now, having negative feelings is not hate. You can have negative feelings all the livelong day so long as you don’t enjoy or submit to them, and don’t act on them. Trust me, I think tons of negative and even cruel things, but I bite my tongue, and when I can’t do that I mutter under my breath, and when I can’t do that I talk only to my mom, and when I can’t do *that,* I go to confession. :P

You don’t have to like your dad. You don’t even have to love him…in the assumed sense, where you enjoy his company and his presence. You can put firm boundaries in place to protect yourself. You can even keep your distance from him as much as possible. It’s not wrong to do any of that. What is wrong is to be overly-obsessed with brooding and wallowing in anger for all the ways he’s hurt you, because I’m sure there were plenty. As I’ve said, it’s a perfectly understandable and even natural reaction, and you can feel as angry as you like and can avoid him as much as you like. But if you want to serve God, you cannot hate. And if you do hate and can’t fight it, you need His help to cleanse yourself of it, because it’s impossible without His strength.

[operagheist-blog]

PHYSIOLOGICAL CATEGORIES HERE. part 2 of the huge meta, i split this up for everyone’s sanity.

PSYCHOLOGICAL CATEGORIES

LEARNING & MEMORY

learning is defined as the process in which changes in behavior arise as a result of experience interacting with the environment. memory is defined as the record of a person’s past experiences gained through learning. this is literally from my class powerpoint, it’s pretty straightforward. 

ERIK’S MANNERISMS IN RELATIVITY TO CLASSICAL CONDITIONING

what is classical conditioning? i’m sure you guys have heard of pavlov’s dog. classical conditioning involves teaching an organism that one stimulus serves as the predictor for a specific upcoming event. as far as i can recall, there was some sort of experiment by clark hull in terms of classical conditioning where he used his students as subjects & conditioned them to expect pain ( i think he slapped them ) if they were presented with the paired stimulus. i’m not sure if that’s a true story, though. something that IS real is the baby albert experiment, where the subject, a baby named albert, was conditioned to fear things that were white & fluffy. he was presented with a white rat & then the experimenters caused a loud noise that scared the shit out of him. honestly, that was a really awful experiment & it screwed albert up for the rest of his life.  ‘ knight, what the fuck does this even have to do with erik ’ ok so let’s look at his initial reaction to physical contact, ignore motn & ponr for a minute ok. if he’s not the one initiating the contact, don’t fucking touch him, because after the whole ‘ devil’s child ’ experience, he’s likely associating touch with pain, where he expects someone to hurt him if they reach out without him first showing that it’s ok ( see. angel of music ). christine did not fucking help this problem after the unmasking part one. erik also reacts by trying to get rid of something he perceives as a predictive stimulus to which he expects pain, see. the swordfight, immobilising raoul in the final lair scene, the torture chamber scene in the 04 movie etc. i’m also certain there are other external stimuli that cause the same reaction & the issue is that they’re fucking hardwired into his brain because he’s been hurt all his life. associations learned through classical conditioning CAN FADE OVER TIME if the stimulus is presented without the expected response. drug abuse can also be linked to classical conditioning, especially in the issue of relapses that can occur post-rehab. 

ERIK’S MANNERISMS IN RELATIVITY TO OPERANT CONDITIONING

what is operant conditioning & how does it differ from classical conditioning? operant conditioning involves an organism learning about the relationship between a stimulus, a response, & an outcome. unlike classical conditioning, the determining factor in whether or not the outcome occurs is based on whether or not the organism makes a response to a stimulus. the whole point of this section is that erik sure as heck learned what responses would lead to certain outcomes; this could explain the reclusiveness from other people ( if they don’t see him, they can’t hurt him ), the distant interactions if he’s interacting with anyone in poto canon that isn’t christine, mme giry, or the daroga ( if they don’t know him, they can’t use anything against him ), & the mask ( if they can’t see the deformities, they can’t shun him... as much as they could otherwise ). the third point is really more of a learned response to lessen the aversive outcomes, although it can’t necessarily prevent them. 

ERIK’S MANNERISMS IN RELATIVITY TO GENERALISATION OR DISCRIMINATION OF SENSORY STIMULI

ok, generalisation is basically the brain grouping similar stimuli together & assuming an equivalent outcome to one stimulus to the other, even if that’s not the case ( allergies are a really good example, i have an aunt who is allergic to walnuts, but not other types of nuts, another example of food generalisation happens in children, a child who doesn’t like broccoli may assume they won’t like cauliflower either, due to its similar appearance. in the olden days, people avoided i think some sort of berries or whatnot that are widely eaten today because they looked like the poisonous belladonna ). discrimination is the ability to perceive differences between stimuli ( a kid who hates broccoli recognises that cauliflower is different & understands that it might not be so bad ). tldr, important things erik generalises: a sudden approach from another person means i’m going to be hurt, because attempts at contact mean i’ll be hurt. people who are highly intelligent & knowledgeable in many subjects are less likely to discriminate against me, because people who understand medicine deal with similar things, people with medical knowledge must also be well educated in other areas. important things that erik can discriminate against: types of music, that’s pretty obvious — give him music by a known composer & he’ll sure as heck be able to identify it from another similar work by someone else. not all leading sopranos go downhill after five seasons, age is a factor, some singers are better than others, but the level of specific skills may not always be better in the singer deemed overall superior to the other ( carlotta can definitely project more than christine, but since erik trained christine, she’s better at carrying a tune, so on so forth ). not all of mme giry’s girls have the proper poise, some aren’t meant for certain steps or lifts, some have better endurance. honestly this discrimination is fine tuned for the arts, be it visual, performance, literature, & also extends to architectural knowledge. 

PERSONALITY PSYCHOPATHOLOGY + ERIK’S BEHAVIOR FT. PLAUSIBLE DIAGNOSES, ALSO OPIOID ABUSE 

here is a link to the DSM V.

 for elaboration, see DIAGNOSTIC NOTES. applicable traits will be followed by ✔︎ O

obsessive-compulsive personality disorder — diagnostic criteria. 

defined as a pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, & mental & interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, & efficiency, beginning by early adulthood & present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by FOUR OR MORE of the following: 1. is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost. 2. shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion ( e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met ). 3. is excessively devoted to work & productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships ( not accounted for by obvious economic necessity ) ✔︎. 4. is overconscientious, scrupulous, & inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values ( not accounted for by cultural or religious identification ) ✔︎. 5. is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value. 6. is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things. ✔︎ 7. adopts a miserly spending style toward both self & others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes. 8. shows rigidity & stubbornness. ✔︎ 

posttraumatic stress disorder — diagnostic criteria. 

posttraumatic stress disorder note: the following criteria apply to adults, adolescents, & children older than 6 years [ for this, i will simply exclude the children under 6 years parts, or other irrelevant to time period notes ].  A. exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in ONE OR MORE of the following ways: 1. directly experiencing the traumatic event(s).✔︎ 2. witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others. 3. learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or close friend. in cases of actual or threatened death of a family member or friend, the event(s) must have been violent or accidental. 4. experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s). [ ... ] B. presence of ONE OR MORE of the following intrusion symptoms associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred: 1. recurrent, involuntary, & intrusive distressing memories of the traumatic event(s) ✔︎ 2. recurrent distressing dreams in which the content &/or affect of the dream are related to the traumatic event(s). ✔︎ [ ... ] 3. dissociative reactions ( e.g., flashbacks ) in which the individual feels or acts as if the traumatic event(s) were recurring ( such reactions may occur on a continuum, with the most extreme expression being a complete loss of awareness of present surroundings* ) ✔︎. 4. intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s). 5. marked physiological reactions to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s). ✔︎ C. persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by ONE OR BOTH of the following: 1. avoidance of or efforts to avoid distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s) ✔︎. 2. avoidance of or efforts to avoid external reminders ( people, places, conversations, activities, objects, situations ) that arouse distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s) ✔︎ D. negative alterations in cognitions & mood associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by TWO OR MORE of the following: 1. inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic event(s) ( typically due to dissociative amnesia & not to other factors such as head injury, alcohol, or drugs ). 2. persistent & exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world ✔︎. 3. persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event(s) that lead the individual to blame himself/herself or others ✔︎. 4. persistent negative emotional state ( e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame ) ✔︎ 5. markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities. 6. feelings of detachment or estrangement from others. 7. Persistent inability to experience positive emotions ( e.g., inability to experience happiness, satisfaction, or loving feelings ). E. marked alterations in arousal and reactivity associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by TWO OR MORE of the following: 1. irritable behavior & angry outbursts ( with little or no provocation ) typically expressed as verbal or physical aggression toward people or objects ✔︎. 2. reckless or self-destructive behavior ✔︎. 3. hypervigilance ✔︎. 4. exaggerated startle response. 5. problems with concentration. 6. sleep disturbance ( e.g., difficulty falling or staying asleep or restless sleep ) ✔︎. F. duration of the disturbance ( criteria B, C, D, & E ) is more than 1 month. ✔︎ G. the disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning ✔︎. H. the disturbance is not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance ( e.g., medication, alcohol ) or another medical condition ✔︎.  specify whether: with dissociative symptoms: the individual’s symptoms meet the criteria for posttraumatic stress disorder, & in addition, in response to the stressor, the individual experiences persistent or recurrent symptoms of EITHER of the following: 1. depersonalization: persistent or recurrent experiences of feeling detached from, & as if one were an outside observer of, one’s mental processes or body ( e.g., feeling as though one were in a dream; feeling a sense of unreality of self or body or of time moving slowly ) ✔︎. 2. dereaiization: persistent or recurrent experiences of unreality of surroundings ( e.g., the world around the individual is experienced as unreal, dreamlike, distant, or distorted ). note: to use this subtype, the dissociative symptoms must not be attributable to the physiological effects of a substance ( e.g., blackouts, behavior during alcohol intoxication) or another medical condition ( e.g., complex partial seizures ). specify if: with delayed expression: if the full diagnostic criteria are not met until at least 6 months after the event ( although the onset and expression of some symptoms may be immediate ). 

opioid use disorder — diagnostic criteria 

A. a problematic pattern of opioid use leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by AT LEAST TWO of the following, occurring within a 12-month period: 1. opioids are often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended. ✔︎ 2. there is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control opioid use. 3. a great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain the opioid, use the opioid, or recover from its effects ✔︎. 4. craving, or a strong desire or urge to use opioids ✔︎. 5. recurrent opioid use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home. 6. continued opioid use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of opioids. 7. important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of opioid use. 8. recurrent opioid use in situations in which it is physically hazardous ✔︎. 9. continued opioid use despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance ✔︎. 10. tolerance, as defined by EITHER of the following: a. a need for markedly increased amounts of opioids to achieve intoxication or desired effect ✔︎. b. a markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of an opioid ✔︎. note: this criterion is not considered to be met for those taking opioids solely under appropriate medical supervision. 11. withdrawal*, as manifested by EITHER of the following: a. the characteristic opioid withdrawal syndrome — [  presence of EITHER of the following; 1. cessation of ( or reduction in ) opioid use that has been heavy & prolonged ( i.e., several weeks or longer ) ✔︎. 2. administration of an opioid antagonist after a period of opioid use. B. THREE OR MORE of the following developing within minutes to several days after criterion a : 1. dysphoric mood ✔︎. 2. nausea ✔︎ or vomiting. 3. muscle aches ✔︎. 4. lacrimation or rhinorrhea. 5. pupillary dilation, piloerection, or sweating. 6. diarrhea. 7. yawning. 8. fever ✔︎. 9. insomnia ✔︎. C. The signs or symptoms in criterion B cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning ✔︎. D. the signs or symptoms are not attributable to another medical condition and are not better explained by another mental disorder, including intoxication or withdrawal from another substance ✔︎ ] b. opioids ( or a closely related substance ) are taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms ✔︎. note: this criterion is not considered to be met for those individuals taking opioids solely under appropriate medical supervision. 

DIAGNOSTIC NOTES. i could have put more things here, but this is really getting long. with all of that, erik’s a mess ngl. 

crappy college psych major attempt at diagnostic conclusion? OCD, PTSD with dissociative symptoms & a severe case of opioid addiction. 

there were going to be more sections here, but i actually covered everything that i needed to ( as far as i know ). some specifics for the opiate withdrawal; these obviously pertain to when he’s not using opiates, whether it’s because he doesn’t have them, or due to a desire to alleviate concern in others ( especially any loved ones he gains ).  

i am  so so sorry for how long this is. if you got thru this, bravo & i love you for doing so.