#I’m really animated and expressive or so I’ve been told by virtually everyone I’ve met

[purplesurveys]

1195

survey by n0b0dysp3rf3ct

—:: Who ::—

... was the last person you saw face to face? I passed by my brother last night when I had to go to the kitchen to fill up my tumbler.

... was the last person you texted or messaged online? Angela; I was just asking her for the difference among A4/A5/A6 since I’m now planning to buy a binder and sleeves for my rapidly increasing collection of photocards and postcards. It really frustrates me that A4 is the biggest one and A6 the smallest :((((

... was the last person who asked you for a favour? Kata, my manager. She filed a half-day leave last Friday to get herself and her family vaccinated in her town, so she had sent me over a very long to-do list of deliverables that she asked me to fulfill while she was out. Eventually she ended up filing a whole-day leave since she felt feverish after being under the sun all day, and also possibly from side effects of the vaccine, so I ended up carrying the entire workload for the day. I like Kata and she’s a very easy person and superior to work with, so I honestly couldn’t complain about it.

... was the last person you lent something to? Ooh, I don’t remember. I don’t really lend people things.

... was the last person who told you a secret/confided in you? Andi was just sharing to me their worries about taking the LAE (scheduled for today) and how they’ll be okay if they don’t pass.

... is the tallest person you know? Jo is like 5′7″ and we all look like beans when standing next to her. One of my uncles is also very tall; around 5′10″ or 5′11″ if I’m not mistaken.

... the shortest person you know? I think Aya? That’s just a smart guess, though; I haven’t seen most of my friends in more than a year.

... your oldest (in years) friend? Mik is turning 28 this year. Sometimes I forget just how much older he is than me since we vibe really well together during the rare times we did get to hang out. I’m still bummed we never got that smoke break we wanted to have.

... is the oldest (in length of time) friend? Angela.

... is your youngest friend? Hannah was born in 2000. Peter was born in 2001 but we aren’t that close yet.

... is your newest friend? I haven’t made any new friends recently. Stan Twitter is lonelier than I thought it would be; everyone is already friends with everyone so it’s hard to break that space. Not to mention everyone is also grossly younger than I am – I keep seeing profiles with ‘2004′ on their bio :/ I should start making an effort to look for older ARMYs lol, I definitely feel like I’d have more fun that way.

... is your closest relative? My eldest cousin on my mom’s side, my Kuya.

... was your favourite teacher? My music teacher from high school. I neeeeeever liked music as a subject and it was never a priority of mine, but she always kept our classes something for me to look forward with her advice and the way she was always able to make lessons interesting.

... was your least favourite teacher? Those who made it clear they didn’t like me, even though I didn’t do anything to deserve such hostility.

... did you spend the most time with when growing up? My siblings and cousins since we all lived together at one point.

... knows you the best? My two best friends.

... always beats you in games or sports? Andi would probably be able to beat me in any game. They just let me win because they know I can be a sore loser.

... who is the most creative of the people you know? My family is pretty artistic and I have a lot of talented relatives - my sister and my cousin Maggie paint and draw; my mom can make any kind of craft she wants, with her hnds; and one of my grand-aunts regularly does paintings. I think all of them are amazingly creative in their own way.

... is the funniest person you know? Probably Andi. Hans makes me crack up too.

... is the most organised that you know? My mom.

... that you know has travelled the most? My dad. Both our fridge doors are filled from top to bottom with magnets from places he’s travelled in due to his line of work. He’s toned down quite a bit in the last few years and has taken to staying within Asia, but back then his traveling history was super expansive – Germany, Jamaica, Italy, Belize, Aruba, Italy, France, Monaco, Denmark, Norway, the UK, US, Estonia, Portugal, etc.

... has always been there for you? Angela never left my side.

... has given you the most personal gift? I can’t possibly pick, my friends are pretty good at giving me gifts...like Andi getting me a Petals For Armor CD and a Punk shirt that hasn’t been produced in a while, and Angela giving me a personalized Friends mug because she knows I like my coffee and she knows I like Friends.

... has an annoying laugh? I don’t think anyone I know has an annoying laugh.

... never forgets a birthday? That would be me.

... do you live with? My parents, my two siblings, and our two dogs.

...,do you have the most in common with? I’m not so sure about this one, actually. I share bits of my personality with a lot of people - like me and Jo liking BTS, me and Andi liking wrestling, Blanch and I having similar personalities, me and Laurice being super meticulous when it comes to our work, etc. - but I haven’t met anyone who’s virtually a duplicate of mine when it comes to my traits and interests.

...is the sportiest person you know? I’m also not sure. Most people I know are into watching a bunch of sports, but none of them actually play.

...was your last missed call? It was an unknown number that I kept ignoring because THEY WOULDN’T TEXT WHO THEY WERE. If you have enough load credits to call me multiple times, then surely you can text me and introduce yourself first, and maybe then I can pick up the phone.

...did you last open your door for? My sister knocked last Friday because someone wanted to talk to me via landline. It was weird since no one calls via the phone anymore, but I have a gut feeling it was that ^ same person who had been trying to call me through my phone but never texted me. Eventually I learned it was one of the bloggers I’m talking to for work who just wanted to ask a few questions about our ongoing engagement.

... has your heart? Kim Taehyung. Expect the same answer for this type of question moving forward.

... has your respect? I gotta hand it to Tina for consistently doing well in her studies and excelling in every subject while doing photo and video editing for two orgs, working on her thesis, and being a board member in our mutual org, all while living alone. She does so well I wish I can tell her to give herself the occasional break to avoid burnout.

...do you share a special song with? I don’t think I have that with anyone.

...do you miss right now? Literally allllllll my friends.

...last made you angry? It’s been a while since I’ve directed my anger towards another person. When I get pissed off these days it’s usually over a situation that goes awry or out of my control.

...did you last buy a gift for? So this was not technically meant to be a gift, but what happened was I accidentally secured two orders of the same poster set, which was a part of this new BTS photobook coming out later this month, from two different shops. One of the shops merely posted an ‘interest check’ for the poster set so I signed up for it thinking it was harmless, but when they got back to me they already attached an invoice :/ I ended up having to pay for it just so things won’t get complicated between myself and the shop anymore; and I told Angela she can just keep the extra set I bought and that she can consider it a gift.

...did you celebrate your last birthday with? My family and technically my workmates since I didn’t file a leave that day. I also had food delivered to their house so I guess that can count as my ‘celebration’ with them.

...have you gone to a concert with? I went with Angela for my first Paramore show.

...can make you laugh? Anyone can tbh. It’s not very hard to make me laugh.

...has taught you how to do something? Nina taught me how to embroider and do basic needle/thread skills back when I was still getting into the hobby.

...has lost something of yours? I am almost certain my ex never kept the handwritten letters I used to write her. She never seemed to remember or bring up the things I wrote.

...has broke your heart? Gabie but I’m over it.

...has stood you up? Hasn’t happened to me before.

:: What ::

Is your favourite colour? Pastel pink.

Can you do that most your friends can’t? Type fast, apparently.

Is your birthday? April 21.

Colour eyes do you have? Dark brown/black.

Form of transport do you take to work/school? I work from home. But under normal circumstances I would drive my car.

Music do you like to listen to in the car? I connect my Spotify to the car’s Bluetooth and listen to whatever artist or playlist I’m into at the moment. The music I put on could also depend on my current mood for the day.

Languages can you speak? Filipino and English. I’ve also been able to pick up looooots of Korean phrases and expressions because of the amount of content I watch. I’m nowhere near fluent, of course, but I’m increasingly able to pick up what people say based off a few Korean words I’ll hear in a sentence.

Was the last thing you drank? Continued from idk. I finished off my glass of water from dinner.

Was the last thing you ate? My mom made pasta.

Time did you wake up this morning? Depends on how late I slept the night before and how tired I was, but it usually ranges between 5:45–7:30 AM.

Colour are your bedroom walls? They’re white.

Drink do you usually order when eating out? I never order drinks unless I’m at La Creperie, in which case I always get their San Gines hot chocolate; for everywhere else that isn’t a bar, I just get water.

Food can you cook well? ...I can’t cook.

Animals have you had for a pet? Dogs, rabbit, lovebirds, goldfish, and technically a cat but she was mostly Nina’s.

Are your initials? RC.

Kind of activities do you like to do on the weekends? I’m still kind of stuck at home during the weekends :/ so I can’t do much, but I’m not complaining since I actually prefer staying in these days. Anyway, most recently I’ve taken to catching up on BTS content I’ve missed over the last 8 years, so I like watching shows they’ve done like Bon Voyage, Run BTS, etc.

Movie do you know line by line? Two for the Road, TITANIC, and probably most of White Chicks.

Band(s) have you seen in concert? Paramore, One Direction, a bunch of local bands.

Do you buy/get to treat yourself? It’s usually food - I like giving myself a feast every Friday night - but I’m putting that in the backseat for now as I’ve realigned my money to be spent on BTS merch. My big purchases are saved for the albums for now, but every now and then I’ll see a postcard or photocard I like and buy them. Once I complete the albums I’ll be moving on to the concert DVDs, then the special packages, then probably BT21 plushies. Needless to say I have a longggggg way to go haha.

Colours your phone cover? I have a clear case.

Part of the world would you love to visit? Another continent would be nice.

Question do you dislike being asked? Even though I know people mean well, I don’t like being asked “How are you?” but tbh it’s more of a me thing because I just never really know what to say.

Subject were you good at in school? History.

Careers do your parents have? They both work in the hospitality industry.

Brand of clothing do you buy most often? For clothes clothes I’m not really loyal to a particular brand; I buy from different brands and shops all the time. But for shoes, I like sticking to Nikes.

Chocolate bar is your favourite? Not a big fan of chocolate bars. I love Reese’s Cups, though.

TV show have you watched every series of? Friends, Perfect Strangers, Breaking Bad.

Radio station do you listen to the most? It’s a little hard to tell at this point considering I haven’t driven regularly in over a year. But back when I used to do it, I usually flipped among 93.1, 99.5, and 87.5.

Podcasts are you subscribed to? I’m not the biggest fan of podcasts. Find them a tad bit boring.

Is your favourite dessert? Macarons or cheesecake.

Can’t you do that most around you seem to? Ride a bike.

Are 5 qualities you value in a friend? Loyalty, thoughtfulness, honest, sensitive to my needs and those of others, and intelligent.

Are 5 qualities you value in a partner? ^ Pretty much the same thing.

Size pizza do you usually order? Family size usually.

Cuisine do you like to order or cook? I’ve been getting Japanese so many times recently. I rarely go outside sushi.

Colour(s) dominate your wardrobe? Black and white, and colors that were in at one point like mustard yellow and pastel pink.

Toothpaste brand do you use? Colgate.

Sounds can you hear right now? My insanely loud aircon.

Is the weather like today? Like hell. I believe we’re reaching a heat index of over 50ºC every day now, so...that’s fun. It gets absolutely difficult to work in the afternoon when the temperature is at its most brutal, and its times like this I wish I got to work in the office so that there’s aircon and I could at least work comfortably :/

Are your plans for tomorrow? Just work and have tons of meetings, the usual.

:: Where ::

Do you keep your phone when not using it? I keep my phone near me even when I’m not using it since I could always get an important notification.

Were you born? Manila.

Do you go to unwind? Most days it would be the rooftop, but under normal circumstances I like staying at a coffee shop somewhere to escape life and my responsibilities for a short while.

Is your best friend right now? I believe they’re both at home since they have no reason to be out anyway.

Can you go nearby to have a good time? Personally, I would just go to the Starbucks near our village lol. If I’m feeling a bit more adventurous I’d head to Katip, which is prrrretty close by but not quite.

Is the nearest restaurant? We have a McDonald’s literally right beside the village. Then besides that is a Shakey’s, and right across that is a Burger King, then the aforementioned neaby Starbucks. Just makes me realize how urbanized my town has gotten in the last few years.

Is the nearest beach? If I had to guess, the nearest beaches would be in Batangas which is 2-3 hours away, but it really depends on how fast you can drive lol. I’m not too good with long car rides so in both times I’ve driven there I had always taken 4 hours.

Did you meet your closest friend? I met Angela in grade school, and I met Andi at a local rally in my university.

Did you go for your last vacation? Tagaytay, though it was a staycation more than anything else.

Is the nearest mall or superstore? It’s like a 3-minute drive away from the village.

Did you last get an injury? I have loadsssssss of new scratches and gashes all around my wrists from playing with Cooper.

Is the most extravagant place you’ve stayed at? It’s a toss-up between Aids’ or Gian’s house. Gian would probably win since I never actually got to go inside Aids’ place, and his was the first house I’ve been to that was able to literally take my breath away. OH and Shaun’s house was pretty fucking swanky as well.

Do most the local kids play? I would have no idea since I’m neither a kid nor a parent.

Have you been with your family? This is a very vague question lol...what do you mean where have we been? We’ve been to different towns around the country and several countries together, if that’s what you’ve been asking.

Did you spend Christmas last year? We visited a couple of relatives, and we also spent it at home.

Did your parents grow up? My mom grew up within Metro Manila; my dad in a city a little outside of it.

Did you buy the shoes you’re wearing? I’m barefoot at the moment and always am at home.

Would you like to go right now if you could? If life had still been normal I would probably be having after-work drinks at a bar near the office.

Do you miss the most from your childhood? I’m not sure how to answer this with where.

Is the best restaurant you know? I’m still searching for it.

Will you never go again as it was so bad? It’s not that it was bad, but I’d probably never dine at 8Cuts again because their burgers are not worth the hype and are very overpriced for their size.

:: When ::

...was your last vacation? My family’s last legit vacation was in August 2019; but we did have a quick escape to Tagaytay in January of this year.

...did you graduate? I officially ‘graduated’ from college in August, if you could even call it that.

...did you decide what career you wanted? Somewhere between my 2nd and 3rd year of college. That was when I decided I hated journalism and preferred PR, but since PR is under journalism’s umbrella there was no need for me to shift courses.

...did you have your first kiss? Continued. Like WHEN when or how old was I when? In any case, it was in January 2015 and I ws 16.

...did you learn how to swim? Idk, pretty early on. My parents liked taking us to water parks when we were younger, so we had a lot of exposure. I’m not sure if there was ever a time where something just clicked and I learned how to swim; I believe it had just come naturally.

...did you have your first relationship? By the end of 2014.

...did you meet your best friend? I met both of them in school, but at different points.

...do you feel the most at peace? Probably when I’m able to stay at the rooftop all alone.

...do you usually fall asleep? I’ve readjusted my body clock now (I used to want to be in bed by 9 or 10 PM, lmao) and I stay up until anywhere between 12-2 AM on weekdays.

...do you usually wake up? Ranges between 6-7:30 AM.

...did you last watch a movie? September.

...did you last go to a party? Around Februaryish, 2020.

...did you last cry? I can’t really recall. The last moment I can remember was crying over Life Goes On sometime last month, when I heard it for the first time. I’m just not sure if that’s accurate or when exactly in April that happened.

...did you laugh really hard? I always have a good laugh at least once a day.

...did you buy something pricey last? Idk what you would count as pricey but I bought the new BTS photobook set when it dropped back in April. Cost me around ₱3750. I wasn’t able to buy from the first press (it sold out in like 7 minutes lol) which included an exclusive poster set, so I had to look for a local shop that was already offering the poster set separately, and ended up shelling out another ₱2200 for it...which means all in all I spent around ₱5950 for it or roughly $125.

...did you have an argument last? Earlier this evening but I don’t want to get into it as it made me cry from sadness and frustration for the first time in months.

...did you last have a sick day? May last year.

...did you last recieve a hug? I have no idea. February, I think? when I hung out with my friends.

...when is your best friend’s birthday? July 22 or September 15, depends on which best friend.

...did you learn how to drive? I started getting lessons when I was 17, but I didn’t start feeling comfortable with it until I turned 18.

...did you last receive a surprise? Around a couple of weeks ago when my dad came home with Jollibee for us.

:: How ::

Many pets do you have? Two.

Many houses have you lived in? Three that I can remember, but I know my parents moved around a bit when I was a newborn.

Often do you shower? Every morning before my shift. I hate feeling sweaty and icky when I report for work.

Well can you cook? I can’t at all.

Many close friends do you have? I have two people I count as my absolute best friends, but I have a handful of close friends as well.

Many Brothers or sisters do you have? One of each.

Often do you go swimming? I don’t swim much at all, really...I haven’t done it since 2019, so that should say enough. As relaxing as it is, I feel like the clean-up afterwards can be such a challenge lol. Like if you swim in a pool you have to rigorously wash the chlorine off of you; and if you swim in the sea you have to also be thorough about making sure you’ve removed all the sand from your body.

Many times have you texted today? I don’t think I texted today but I did spend my whole day on chat platforms.

Do you like your toast (colour, topping)? I don’t have super particular preferences; I just like mine on the burnt side.

Do you like your tea and/or coffee? My coffee has to be sweet for me to enjoy it. I can take black coffee/Americano; I’ll just wince a lot with every sip. No tea for me thanks.

Do you like to celebrate your birthdays? With a lot of food.

Are you feeling today? A little frustrated because of an argument incident this evening. But I’m shaking it off and just focusing on the release of Butter tomorrow. My first BTS comeback!!!

Serious are you about your career goals? Very.

Many rooms are in your house? In total, 9.

Many bedrooms in your house? 4.

Did you do in your school exams? I was never consistent. I slacked off a looooooot in grade school; couldn’t give less of a shit about my classes then. I got a bit more hardworking in high school, but I still was a bit lax and I allowed myself to not put a lot of effort in subjects I didn’t care a lot for and that I know I would never have to use in real life, like chemistry or accounting, so there were exams I really excelled in and others that I would fail. It was only in college I started taking my studies incredibly seriously and I believe that showed in the grades I eventually got.

Close do you live to your parents? They’re like, five steps away.

Close do you live to your siblings? My sister’s literally in the room next to mine.

Sensitive to criticism are you? I know it’s something that can never be avoided, so I’m always open to hearing them, especially if it’s meant to help me. It doesn’t mean I enjoy it as it is being given.

Motivated to make changes are you? Depends on my mood and mindset. 

Creative are you (1-10): -0.5.

Hard working are you (1-10): Probably a 22 if I really put my head into a task.

Sporty are you (1-10): I dunno, maybe a 6? I do like playing table tennis, but I’m pretty meh at any other sport.

Musical are you (1-10): 0.

Do you prefer your eggs? Runny yolk; scrambled; or a really packed omelette.

Often do you go out to eat? Before the pandemic, I liked eating out 2-3 times a week.

Would your best friend describe you? Not sure, I never tried asking them this. I hope it’s all nice things, though.

Can someone cheer you up if you’re sad? Send me photos of V. Hahahaha

Often do you meet up with your friends? ...What do you think? D:

Important is religion to you? It is not a part of my life whatsoever.

Old were you when you first stayed overnight from home? 15 or 16, I can’t really remember.

Old were you when you got your first pet? I was maybe 6.

Tech savvy are you? I know enough to survive my own, but I obviously can’t hack into other computers or things like that.

Do you show you appreciate those you care for? Buying them food.

Often do you cut your hair? I only take a trip to the salon once a year.

Often do you paint your nails? Never.

Many countries have you visited? Six.

Boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? Just one.

:: Why ::

... did you choose your username? Because it was straightforward.

... did you take this survey? I like surveys made in categories, and this seemed interesting and varied enough.

... did you choose the career you did? I found that I enjoyed it MILES more than journalism.

...did you last leave the house? I had to go to a local LBC for a work errand.

...did you last give up on something? She wasn’t worth the effort anymore. She hadn’t been for a while, but it took me forever to realize.

...did you search the last thing you searched? I wanted to sing along to the song but it was in Japanese, so I had to look up its lyrics.

...would you give up on someone completely? Oof, I guess you can refer to one of the previous questions. ^

:: If...::

You could live in any country which would you choose? Canada.

You could choose any animal as a pet which one? I’m perfectly content with dogs.

You could be famous for something what would you like? Being known for a funny tweet would probably be enough lol. I have no desire to be famous.

You are sad, how do you combat it? I don’t really get sad anymore these days, so I can’t super remember the go-to tactics I depend on...I guess I like listening to sad songs and allowing myself to wallow in the sadness, because I know I have to accept and process my feelings first before I can be able to calm down.  

You can drive when did you learn? I learned shortly before I started college, when I was 18, because no one was going to be able to take me to university when the school year started.

You could have any job what would it be? Idk, I like the one I have now.

You could go anywhere for a vacation where would you go? Somewhere with a completely different feel and atmosphere, like Norway, Sweden, Finland...that part of Europe, basically.

You could eat anything right now what would it be? Samgak gimbap :/

You wrote a book what genre/topic would it be? It would be a book of essays or maybe a memoir.

You had a theme song what would it be? Idk I don’t really think about this.

You could meet any band/singer in person which one? Billie Eilish seems awesome and easy and fun to talk to.

You could act in any movie which would it be? No thanks.

You get married what venue would you like? Hotel.

If you have kids do you have names picked out? I have one name picked out for a girl but that’s it.

Could describe your dream home what would it be like? Brutalist and minimalist, with large windows, cove lights, and a lot of white space.

You could go back in time what would you change? Break up with Gab earlier.

Could use 3 words to describe your childhood which ones? Could’ve been better.

Could get the answer to any question which question would you choose? When I would die and how, just so I can have peace of mind.

You could have an endless supply of something what would it be? Money, because of course.

Meet anyone who no longer lives who’d you choose? My great-grandfather, mom’s side.

:: Can ::

... you ride a bike? No, never learned.

... you ski? I’ve never even seen snow, so no.

... you bake a cake? I can try but it will probably be very clumsily made as I don’t bake.

... you sing well? I wouldn’t say that. I like singing when I’m alone, but it doesn’t mean I’m any good.

... you do your own taxes? I’ve never tried haha so I guess not.

... you remain calm in a crisis? Depends on how serious it is.

... you do first aid? Let’s just say I wouldn’t volunteer if it comes down to it because I feel like I’d commit one fatal mistake that would make the situation graver. 

... remember your best friend’s family members’ names? Both of their families, yes.

... you fire a gun? I’ve never tried so I doubt it.

... your parents drive? Yep.

...your best friend dance well? They’re not ‘dancers’ per se but sure, they can bust out a move or two.

...you make people laugh easily? Not everyone, but sure.

...stand up for yourself? That’s what I’m trying to learn these days.

...you do a martial art? No.

:: Would ::

You like to learn a new language? That’s always a welcome opportunity.

Save the life of a stray animal? Absolutely.

Know what to do if there was a hurricane? We have several ones come in the country every year so yeah, I can definitely say we’ve long been well-prepared for them.

Try a new cuisine? I do this as often as I can.

Risk your life for anyone? Yes.

You like to get back in touch with someone? No, I’m good now.

You drive in the middle of the night to get a stuck friend? Ina heartbeat.

You Know how to perform CPR? In relation to the first aid question, I wouldn’t volunteer myself in case I make a wrong move.

You likely win in a game of chess? I don’t even know how it works, so no.

You stop talking for a day for $100? Easily.

[nozomijoestar]

More NaraTrish- will I write anything else lately? Who knows...

This is nsfw implied only with virtually no graphic content descriptions (aka a cutaway from where it would be in a mutually adult pairing, we dont do minor nsfw here ty if you do i tell the cops and take your head); I exclusively prioritized emotions and dialogue above all else- the cut scene is nothing more than an extremely fast plot point/footnote for the emotional conversations I wanted to have context and come out organically- exploring sexuality without the sex, 99% of it is a giant convo

She stood close enough to feel her body heat. At the touch of her hands on his and the caress when she ran her thumb across his palm- he trembled. It lasted but a fraction of a second before he held hers back. Her eyes bore into his with an intensity he couldn't yet understand. She knew how to stir butterflies in him at a glance; this however, this was a spotlight trained on one actor. He licked his lips to calm himself away from going breathless.

She was so close, she smelled really good, she'd grown warm enough as if wearing passion for a raincoat. Trish moved a hand to his chest. The urge to follow with his eyes nearly buckled his will.

"Narancia, I'm ready."

"Eh? Huh? For what? I-Is this cuz I forgot your fancy wa-"

He swallowed hard at her finger on his lips. Narancia waited for her laugh; for the other shoe to drop and all this being another of their games. She caressed his cheek never moving her eyes away. At last he wrapped an arm around her waist.

"Tris-"

In an instant she kissed him; pressed him gently against the wall. He returned it on instinct. His heart thundered like a race horse. Time became a foreign concept. In a shock of the senses he felt her so clearly, it might be called painful. Without hesitation he cupped her face. Everything was Trish, realization dawned in the back of his mind. He couldn't lie to himself. A part of him feared.

She pressed against him; her fingers ran through his hair. She gave him seconds for the glaze to leave his eyes.

"You know we might die. There's nothing to take for granted so-"

Trish touched their foreheads, kissed his nose, his cheek, the corner of his mouth. She smoothed his bangs; blushed at the focus in his stare. Just being held by him egged on her courage.  

"I want it to be you. Before I might never get the chance. Even if it's only once; if you want it too I-"

"Trish...it's not safe y'know...besides with a guy like me, maybe you shouldn't."

"I don't care. The one thing I want to know is if you want me too."

His face had gone the reddest she'd ever seen. Narancia took a shaky breath and kissed her. Again and again they met before toppling onto the couch. The impact slapped him back to some form of rationale. He was on top of her, on top of Trish. The weight behind that fact stopped him in place. An awkward uncertain pause followed. He strained to gather his composure; to look her in the face.

"We're really gonna do this huh?"

Trish didn't need to look to feel his arms begin to quietly tremble. Narancia's expression sunk into that demure timidness that fogged his confidence. A warble had touched his voice, like when he had a dissenting opinion or tried choosing his life. She frowned. Her gentle touch on his wrist relaxed him. It was a gesture not demanding expectation but spoke, 'I'm here, no matter what.' He nodded slowly dusting his wants from the rubble of what others ordered.

"I'm scared of messing up. I'm still not sure if I will or won't."

Trish slid off his headband; smoothed his hair a tender beat. She smiled at him in a way that dazzled. He gave her the rare look that emerges when the world seems to broaden. Like he was seeing her in all her imperfection as a traveler beside fire in the dark.

"You won't. I promise."

They kissed as they embraced. Kissed foreheads, cheeks, jaws drowning within it. And that was the final word on that.

It was a long while to be still in the silence. Pulling on his clothes had never come so absentmindedly. The stupid sloppy grin on his face would've hurt if he had the mind for it. Every muscle ached in a warmth foreign but not unpleasant. If he wanted to stretch his vocabulary, it was downright euphoric. He sat in his tights and socks staring at nothing. His mind was a movie theater with film made up of a memory collage.

Trish had dressed the fastest. Returning to clothes made them stick to her like a second skin. She was sweaty and disheveled and a sham of organization; she reveled in it. A feeling unthinkable but a few hours before. She leaned against him, kissed his cheek. Her arms went around him. Narancia leaned into her trusting she'd catch him. Knowing she would.

With ease he nuzzled into the crook of her neck. Trish raised his chin for their lips to meet. Her hair was so soft and skin so warm he could swear he might melt- and welcome it. Trish would protect him. He'd shoot anyone who wanted to take that away; as zealous as that desire was.

"This is gonna sound shitty, but I don't mind if the others don't come back soon."

Trish chuckled.

"I guess that makes two of us."

They laughed together why they didn't know. It sounded as right as the pain in their sides and breathing the same air. Narancia moved without thinking; his heart did that for him, always had. He hugged her until they fell atop one another again. This time the laughter wouldn't stop. With one burst after another did he fall deeper against her.

Trish watched him, watched him quiver, a wounded animal when beside her now. The laugher strangled into something mewling. He buried his face somewhere in her side. A wetness pooled on her skin. He was crying. She put a hand on his head.

"Narancia?" She asked as though both navigating a glass labyrinth, and fearing it to shatter.

He wouldn't give an answer as she sat him up; let him cling to her. The grip in his touch set her nerve on a knife's edge.

"Narancia...what is it?"

"...Doing that with you, it made me so happy. The whole time I could barely think, but I felt. I felt more than just you. I don't know any fuckin fancy words for it. I was being me; I haven't really felt that way in a long time. I did what I wanted to do with no one looking down on me."

"I...me too."

"So now I thought everything'd be even happier. I wanna be there for you more than anything ever. I wanna keep doing the things we always do; keep getting better at what we did with you a hundred, no a thousand times. When this shit is done, I wanna look over and see you."

He sniffled and fought for breath in the crook of her neck. The joy to his voice had been chipped jagged. Suddenly he slumped with a weariness that sent Trish spiraling toward panic; the sails of her spirits whipped this way and that. He was so thin, so small, his lithe muscle but a prop.

"That's the problem! Now you're all I've got in my head and- and shit who's really to say no ones gonna die? It's just like you said at the beginning. I've lost enough Trish, I, I can't-"

"Narancia Narancia...hold onto me. Listen to my voice. You don't have to say anymore if you want. Put an ear to my chest."

He obeyed without question; ever the loyal soldier before Bucciarati- before her, the ultimate fool. She tucked his hair behind an ear. A deep sigh from her gave him a lead to follow. Slowly his breathing steadied.

A moment they didn't count out passed.

"Trish, order me not to die. If- if you order me I can do anything. Anything at all."  

His hands trembled again. Her eyes fell on him fighting tears; losing that  pitiful battle. Somewhere in one of her mother's books she'd first heard of Atlas. Of the god bound to carry the world. A will closest in equal for her to muster kept her from shattering.

"You know I can't promise that. Not even for myself. That's for none of us to decide."

"That sounds like Bucciarati talking. 'Course he's right. He said something the same before. After everyone got on the boat. Everyone but me, then we left Fugo. I can't stand it. It's so confusing; like I don't know what left and right is. Like, like I'm stupid."

"Well I'm not leaving you behind. No matter what happens."

Narancia sniffled nodding weakly. Trish pulled him closer refusing to let go. Her warmth shielded him when she lifted his hand. The lively spark that drove him was saved a day more. She rubbed her thumb over his wrist.

A patchwork of tiny scars that turned the skin a leathery silver encompassed it. The mold that'd devoured his flesh refused leaving him whole; even with the healing might of Gold Experience. It had to take something, plunder mercilessly for self preservation. For the chaotic high of murder for murder's sake.

Giorno had told them (a hard unfeeling calm behind his eyes that Trish shivered to think veiled over satisfaction) the User behind that Stand had been snuffed out. Trish let her stare linger. Her thumb continued outlining the shapes, recommitting them to memory as she had the rest of him.

"You've taken so many hits for me. Only a righteous idiot could keep doing that. Risk his life for everything he believes in."

She kissed the spot. He shivered once in her arms. Trish closed her eyes; let herself feel all of him as he was now. Every tense limb going slack, every heartbeat almost matching hers.

"I guess I've been doing my own version of that. I'll have to do more."

She cupped his face in her hands. He stared wearing the barest confusion. His brow raised and lips pouted. He always did that without realizing. Trish smiled. Looked at nothing else.

"I want something I can say I got because of you, too."

She leaned in kissing the lips that'd forever wait for her.

[bunnyblooms]

OKAY FUCKER ALL THE QUESTIONS FROM THAT ASK MEME THE LGBT ONE

1. Identity and pronouns.

I'm agenderfluid and they/them pronouns. My sexuality is aroflux and asexual.

2. How did you discover your sexuality?

Pretty much at 14 was like "idk i don't relate to everyone else i don't find celebrities hot or sex remotely something i want. If i could reproduce without sex i would. Oh. I'll just call myself asexual, like a sponge!" (Which asexual is incidentally what the creators of Spongebob were going for, fun facts. Spongebob is ace rights.)

3. Have you experienced being misgendered? How do you overcome it?

Mmmm I am constantly misgendered bc I'm nonbinary and live in a binary society and the way I compartmentalize it is basically just dressing how I want and not making an attempt to pass as anything tbh. The only time I feel misgendered is when someone knows my pronouns and doesn't use them anymore tbh. So basically. Letting go of how I want to be perceived helped. I will say tho, I refuse to come out to my dad bc he won't respect it and it'll be more painful hearing him misgender me knowing how I identify, but. That's certainly a privilege I have since I'm not transitioning. (ATM at least.)

4. Who was the first person you told? How did they react?

I technically didn't come out as ace. My ex-best friend knew bc I talked about it, but neither of us knew it was an identity. So the transition upon finding the label was virtually nonexistent and all of my friends were LGBTQ as well so it wasn't stressful or shocking. It helps that around the time I discovered the label I'd met two friends who were ace and felt the same way I did. My experience with my asexuality is definitely the model that should be the norm with the community and what we as a society should aim for.

As for my gender I'd made comments in the past that I wished I could just be genderless and it really kind of sat with me when my ex-best friend came out as trans bc I was like "Oh? You don't have to be the gender you are at birth?" Belial from Angel Sanctuary was a character that resonated with me at the time, and this was right around the time I made my ace friends. It wasn't until a year later that I discovered the nb community and one friend who was genderfluid that I decided to start trying different pronouns. And basically I came out as questioning and transitioned to nb without a formal declaration, which I also feel should be the goal for society.

I was at a con with my best friend at the time who was trans and he'd come out with my now ex-best friend while they were dating. And I was really anxious bc I felt like ppl would assume I was a transtrender and shit, and my friend said something about gender and I kind of awkwadly implied I might not identify as female and he was really great about it! He was like "If you wanna talk about it or try different pronouns you can." :D

5. Describe what it was like coming out.

I pretty much did this im question 4 hehehe.

6. If you're out, how did ppl react?

I'm not out to family, that I know of. They found my facebook which has my identity listed in my about, so I'm in limbo with them where none of us talk about it so idk if they register it as an LGBTQ thing or not.

My friends were all supportive! It helps that I have like no cishet friends lmao.

I also came out to my class on TDOV two years ago for a project where we step outside our comfort zone. I'm luckily in the social work program which has social justive built into the tenants of the profession so it was pretty positive! People still misgendered me after and were more concerned with "but i'm scared of ppl getting angry at me what should i do to talk about this with them" which. 9__9 Not surprising. But there was a mom whose kid and her kid's partner are both genderfluid and bigender so it was a good experience and I had an ally which made me comfortable in sharing it in the first place.

7. What is one question you hate ppl asking about your sexuality?

Inevitably when I say I'm ace, non-aces assume I have no interest in dating which. Way to conflate being aroace with ace and ignore that there are aros and aces who want relationships. That's my biggest pet peeve.

8. Describe the style of clothing you often wear.

I wear flannels and ripped jeans or shorts mainly. I basically dress like a butch lesbian. I'll wear dresses and stuff but I do not like dressing femme and prefer to offset softer things with hard things. Like. When I wear dresses I have to wear clunky combat boots with them or have short hair or something.

9. Who are your favorite LGBTQ+ ships?

Hmmm. Depends if you mean canon or not. Canon, it's probably FigAyda from D20 and Catradora from She-ra. Shion/Nezumi from No.6 is also one of my faves. There's also Chie and Ai from Virgin's Empire. Blupjeans from The Adventure Zone and JonMartin from The Magnus Archives.

As for Not Confirmed ships, I like Flick/CJ from Animal Crossing, Tsuna/Enma from Katekyo Hitman Reborn, uhhh. Reigisa from Free!, Kanji/Naoto from Persona and Chihiro/whatever the fuck his name is Mondo? Or the other guy I forget, from Danganronpa. Also RenLaw, RenStrade, and VinceLaw+VinceFarz from BTD.

(I am including straight relationships involving trans ppl obv.)

10. What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I hate how I look with make up it makes me dysphoric. But to me makeup is a good expressive outlet and bomb as hell, so when I do wanna wear makeup, I prefer wearing eyeliner and lipstick (esp in black or blue or green or purple) and glitter.

11. Do you experience dysphoria? How does it affect you?

I experience what I refer to as Silhouette Dysphoria a lot. I experience chest dysphoria but a lot of times it's less about me having them at all and me not liking how I look with them. The same goes for my hips and overall shape. Hence silhouette. I also experience genital dysphoria to a lesser degree, and when I do it's less hating my genitals bc they should be different but more just having any at all. Luckily I was born with internal genitalia so I don't have to think about it as much. Social dysphoria I also experience, but I've talked about that already.

How I deal with it is binding and stuff.

12. What is the stupidest thing you've heard said about the LGBTQ+ community?

Hmm. The ppl who genuinely argue that accepting the community means you'll be forced to accept pedophilia or beastiality. Like. Lmao no?

13. Favorite thing about the community?

I just love how great it feels to be in it tbh. It can be so positive and loving and just genuinely make you feel good about yourself.

14. Least favorite thing about the community?

Exclusionists.

15. Have you ever been to your city's pride event?

No, but I went to Pride in Des Moines!!! IT WAS GREAT!

16. Favorite LGBTQ+ celebrity?

I don't really follow celebrities, but probably Ian McEllen and Tim Gunn.

17. Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

I was in a relationship for a while with a friend of mine and it was wonderful tbh. We met in a server and started talkng more, and started out as qpps then became partners and like we broke up, but I still enjoyed the experience and wouldn't go back in time and stop it from happening. My other qpp tho. That's something I would do lmao.

I also have a bf but that's a secret~

18. Favorite LGBTQ+ book.

I haven't read a lot of books, so I guess I have to say The Raven Cycle bc that's the only one I remember reading.

19. Have you ever faced discrimination?

Mmmm the only time I have experienced direct discrimination I was giving a friend valentines chocolate in high school and some kid called me a d*ke when i walked past him.

The other stuff is like. My therapist telling me to check for a hormone imbalance when I said I was asexual.

20. Favorite LGBTQ+ movie/show?

She-ra, "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything", The Runaways (the movie not the show), No. 6.

21. Favorite LGBTQ+ bloggers?

I don't have any lmao.

22. Which slur do you want to reclaim?

Queer, bc it's already been reclaimed and it fits me.

23. Have you ever gone to a gay bar or drag show? How was it?

Nope. Never, but it'd be fun!!

24. How do you idrntify your gender?

Already answered this lol.

25. Interested in having kids?

Nope. I'd be too scared of screwing them up.

26. What identity service would you give your younger self?

I wish I'd known there was an ace community before I was older tbh. So that, probably.

27. What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I personally like playing a feminine role, but I also think gender roles are unecessary, so like. As long as I'm an equal I don't care what role I play lmao. If you wanna treat me like the handmaiden, as long as you're not doing it bc you see me as a woman I don't care.

28. Anything else you wanna share about your gender?

Nah. Just. I don't bother trying to pin it down anymore bc the more I analyze it the less I understand it.

29. Something you wish ppl knew about being LGBTQ+?

Hmmmm not really. It's fun outside of the systemic oppression?

30. Why are you proud to be LGBTQ+?

For me it's less about pride in being LGBTQ+ and more being proud to express myself authentically. 🤷

[queenofmilktea]

It’s Not Supposed to be Like This

Rajila, model AU, One-shot

Where Raja is a successful model but her girlfriend might not make it.

Raja was pretty sure that it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

She stared at herself in the fogged mirror. How her hair clung onto her scalp for dear life as it was yanked into a tight ponytail. Dark eyeliner washed over her eyes, hoping to mask the blank expression she held. The longer she looked, the more flaws she had; dark circles under her eyes, the wrinkles developing around her lips; how sunken in her features looked. She didn't know who this was.

People around her were rushing to get ready; high heels clicking against the marble ground and yells thrown back and forth backstage. Her eyes travelled towards the empty chair next to her. Raja couldn’t help but to think that it was supposed to be taken. Taken by a particular person who wasn't here. But she was probably long gone now.

“You look upset,”

Raja glanced up to see Raven, a makeup brush in hand, leaning towards her. Gently dusting away the thick layers of powder, she gave a deep sigh. Raven didn’t need to speak for Raja to understand.

“Just nervous,” she lied, feeling the oddly familiar phrase roll off of her tongue. It almost gave her chills. Raven saw right through her, dabbing harsher at her cheeks. Raja coughed and dusted it away.

“You’re never nervous,” she argued, her voice husky; either from her exhausted state or annoyance with Raja’s mood. Probably both.

Rightfully so—Raja thought. She’d been working countless hours for numerous models who were probably all as bitchy as you’d expect. Raja had to learn that the hard way. Sometimes she wondered if things were better when they were younger. It used to be a lot easier. A lot fewer people. A lot nicer people too. Ha. Raja still remembered her first shoot. Pretty vividly. If you wiped away that harsh makeup and let her long hair down, maybe that old Raja was still underneath.

Young Raja arrived at her first photoshoot with no experience and faked confidence. She had a resting bitch face so no one seemed to want to talk to her. She didn’t care though. She had one goal in mind; to become someone. That’s what everyone was back then; nobodies who wanted to become somebody.

She thought that this was the last shot at her dream. That, after this, she’d just give up and finally go to college to get an education. Like what her parents wanted her to do. But she wanted to give it one last go before she just let her dream go forever.

“You okay?”

A honeyed voice shuddered her train of thought. Current day Raja remembered it like it was yesterday. Crystal clear. Crisp. Perky. Turning her head, she was greeted with the widest smile. Perfectly lined teeth, plump, crimson lips. Her eyes roamed higher. She had the brightest eyes. Ones that crinkled just a tad when she smiled.

“You look like you've seen a ghost,” she joked, chuckling at the end of her sentence. She plopped herself down on the chair next to her, scooching in a tad closer.

Raja couldn’t stop staring. How confidence seemed to beem off of her. It didn’t feel fake like hers. Was this love at first sight? She deemed otherwise. Was it attraction at first sight? Infatuation? Allure? Probably. Most likely. Definitely.

“Just nervous,” she found herself admitting. Her thumbs fumbled together.

Raja sighs at the thought. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Maybe she was making some sort of mistake. 

From the looks of her card swung around her neck, she was the other model. And from the looks of her drop dead gorgeous face, she was definitely the other model.

“Don't be, it'll be loads of fun. Promise,” the other girl nudged her lightly, running her long fingers by Raja’s forearm. She suddenly clutched onto her hands, making Raja freeze. Her strong gaze and her firm grip caught her off guard. “You know, I never book gigs in L.A. It’s usually not my style,” she blabbered on, her voice becoming more animated. Raja eased herself to a grin. “...you are the other model, right?” Raja gulped and nodded, feeling a tad self-conscious as she peered towards her closer. “Thought so,” she inserted a pause. “It's easy to tell with your gorgeous face.”

She had said it so casually too. Out of the blue. So nonchalantly. But it made Raja heat up anyway. A little too much. But she didn't seem to mind from the way she smirked at her.

“Manila,” she raised one hand and placed it in between them as if she was inviting Raja to a handshake. The quirky introduction made her laugh.

“Raja.”

“Well this gorgeous face can't take me that far,” is what she wanted to say if she had the balls to. She could barely walk in heels, she had the most lopsided smile, and she barely had enough confidence to start conversations. She sounded more bitchy and stilted than she wanted. 

“Even if you were to be…” Raven began again, Raja snapping back into reality. When she gazed into the mirror, it was the same old Raja. ”...you would talk a lot more. At least some petty complaint,” Raven cupped Raja’s chin and raised her gaze, their fixated stares clicking together. She precisely outlined her plump lips, the mauve colour glossing over the natural rosy pink. “‘This lace is too itchy’, ‘it’s too cold’,” she mimicked in an over-friendly tone, a forceful chuckle ending her sentence. The edge of her sharp brush curved around her cupid’s bow as she parted her lips. “Can’t you brighten up a little bit? You’ve been working your ass off for years to book something this big! You’re not going to let some girl pull you down like that, are you?”

Raja let out an exhale. She shook her head reluctantly and felt Raven’s presence ease. Ruched fabric sprawled across her chest. It was a no sleeve, silver dress that stuck to her body like glue. The mermaid silhouette made it hard for her to walk and made it even harder to sit down and get comfortable. That, or it was how uncomfortable she felt in her own situation. In this place. Right now.

‘It wasn’t some girl though’ was the first thing that popped into her mind. It clogged in her throat, making her next exhale shallower and colder. But of course, she couldn’t say that. Raven would probably punch her if she did.

But it was true. She wasn’t some girl. She wouldn’t just move in with some girl. Raja could still smell the newly coated on paint. And still feel the sweat beating down her face.

“You need any help?”

It was probably around 7 months after their first gig together. Raja somehow learnt to swallow down her embarrassment and ask Manila out herself. Not really to a date. Something a lot vaguer than that. But she happily agreed. And well. It’s not too hard to imagine what happened after that.

Except it was for Raja. It wasn’t really like her to take a leap of faith, nonetheless receive some miracle like this. Like her. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. But she didn’t care. She was happy.

“Yeah,” Raja was quick to accept her help, the girl swooping down to catch her quickly slipping boxes. “I hate doing manual labour.”

They both lowered their heavy boxes into their new apartment. Their apartment. Those were magical words that sent shivers through Raja’s body. Small, taped up boxes scattered around the limited space. It was shabby, virtually broken,  and situated at the heart of the city. Sometimes the wooden floorboards creaked and all the walls were exposed bricks. But they both thought it gave it character. That it was cozy, homey and a tad arty—everything they wanted.

“Well, truth be told, I didn’t really like L.A,” Manila ran her hand down Raja’s arm. They matched each other’s smiles. “...until I met you. Things can change, you know?”

She pressed her lips together and leaned over into Raja’s embrace. She wrapped her arms around and brought her into her chest tightly.

“I’m so happy we’re doing this”

It sent tingles through her mind.

“Me too…”

She felt the phrase roll off of her tongue. When she closed her eyes, she could still taste Manila’s lips. Sugar-like. As well as feel soft and delicate. She traced her index finger over her bottom lip.

“You’re going to ruin it if you do that,” Raven groaned, bending over to scratch out the smudging colour. Raja rolled her eyes, swatting her hand away.

“It’ll be fine,” she reassured, though her tone was much too uncaring to be convincing. Raven eyed her down like her a strict parent.

“It’s a special occasion. Maybe a once in a lifetime opportunity,” she smacked her palms against Raja’s bare shoulders and yanked her up. “Don’t fuck it up, okay?” Raja nodded and gulped, quickly scanning herself up and down. It gave her a thrilling chill. A mix of excitement and regret. A mix between potential futures but forgotten pasts. It all brewed inside of her.

“Thanks,”

She couldn’t agree more. Really. The look was breathtaking. But it felt wrong. Somehow. Like it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Raven took her by the hand and lead her towards the blinding lights. A few more models nervously stood by, their hands clamming over their garments to flatten them out. There were a few more touch-ups to their makeup alongside whirlwinds of hairspray.

“You look gorgeous. You’re gonna kill it,” Raven ran her hands over her garment to smooth it out against her waist and also dabbed a bit of highlighter along her cheeks.

“Raja...I’m happy for you”

Raja knew that something was wrong from the moment Manila spoke. It wasn’t as pitched. As happy.

“What’s wrong?” she remembered asking immediately.

Raja was on their large sofa right in the middle of some TV show. It was a Friday night. A wide blanket coated over her legs but there was a reasonable amount of space left for where Manila should have been sitting. She had turned around to face her, excitedly smiling but immediately dying down when Manila came, mascara running down her cheeks and her hair messy.

“L.A isn’t my scene after all…” she ran her fingers through her hair. The tangled ends didn’t allow them to pass through. “...I’ve been asked to move back to New York by my agency...they say that my brand isn’t selling here…”

She closed her eyes.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

But—

“Raja? Snap out of it,” Raja shook her head and faced the frustrated makeup artist. “I knew it! You’re not over her, are you? At all,” she grabbed onto her hands tightly. Suffocatingly. “I know she’s leaving today. I know she’s leaving for New York today, but that’s not what you’re doing. You’re here, about to go on the runway and kill it with this amazing look. Okay? So can you, for once, stop thinking about--?!”

“Don’t,” she spat, her voice harsher than she had imagined it to be. “...please don’t say her name,” she could feel her knees buckling. “...I don’t think I can do it...everything feels like it’s wrong...saying her name will make me feel worse,” she felt nauseous. Sickly nauseous. She wanted to tear that tight dress off of her, throw away her heels and run. “I know it’s not supposed to be like this. But let me forget it, okay?” she pulled herself away from her rough grasp falling back on her heels. “I can’t forget her if you tell me her name.”

“It’s been months Raja…” she tried to approach her with a quieter tone. “...maybe it’s not supposed to be like this…” she hit her upper arm lightly. “Go get her before you witness me getting fired.”

Raja blinked and sees her life flash before her eyes.

“What? Raven—” “What did I just say?”

She held the dress up with both her hands and ran.

***

“What are you doing here?”

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. No sane person would be standing in front of the airport with only a thin layer of sparkly, silver material stuck to their body in the middle of winter, calling for a girl instead of at the job that could’ve made her successful. But Raja was here anyway, one hand reaching towards the girl cloaked in a warm yellow coat. Manila.

“I...I came to see you…” she panted, trying to catch her breath. The ball of her feet dug into the ground harshly. “...I-I wanted to see you…”

“But don’t you have a runway show tonight?” Manila’s voice was quiet. It was borderline whispering. Like she was in denial. Or she thought she was dreaming. Probably both.

Rightfully so. No one in the world would run away from a once in a lifetime opportunity. Especially to see a girl. “Some girl” as Raven calls her. Sometimes Raja wondered why she didn’t scold Raven for calling her that. Or even go after Manila when she had the chance. Not this last minute bullshit. 

“I...I did…” Raja let herself giggle a tad. Manila pulled a face of complete confusion. “...but I left it.”

“Why?” the younger girl somewhat snapped worriedly.

“Because it felt...wrong. Like it wasn’t supposed to be like that,” her gaze fell into a hazy mist. “...it feels like it shouldn’t be like this but…” Manila looked at her back with a glassy stare. But smiled nonetheless. “I don’t feel right...without you.”

“Raja…” she wrapped her arms around her waist and reeled her in closely. “...please don’t look so upset…”

“I can’t help it...if you’re not here…” she parted and peered down at her. Her eyes look lost. Empty. In a state of confusion. Her yellow coat was undoubtedly bright but it looked dull next to her expression. “I know it feels like it’s wrong. But it is supposed to be like this. Trust me,” they pressed their foreheads together. It’s warm. “...you do, don’t you?”

“Yeah…” their warm breathes intermixed. “Maybe it is supposed to be like this.”

It felt wrong, in a way. It was wrong, in a way. Were they abandoning their future? Maybe. Sort of. Depends. Raja chuckled at the thought. Seemed more daring than what she’s used to. But then again, you can’t get miracles without taking a leap of faith. It was supposed to be like this, they knew for sure.

[amoristt]

I’ll Come to You | Jack x Reader

Anonymous Asked: You don't have much supernatural, so fluff for Jack Kline? Can it be something to do with the most recent episode where Jack leaves ? Maube the reader misses him and tries to pray to him, and he actually answers. Precious boy needs some more loves!!

yaaaay finally a request for my Boy jack! i love him sm and i’ve actually been looking forward to writing his character :3 thank you so much for the request!

reblogs + tags and replies will make my entire day as i put a lot of effort into this :)!

story continues beneath the read more. let me know if you can’t access it!

warnings: s13e6 spoilers, mild language

I’ll Come to You

Praying was something you’d gotten accustomed to over the years. You’d prayed to Castiel, asked him for help when things met their worst. You’d prayed to God- but in comparison you never expected an answer from him. Odd how a thing like that works- praying to the lord didn’t warrant much of a response at all but praying to one of his (rebellious) underlings worked out fine most of the time.

The first few times you had no idea what to say, so you just winged it. The prayers were awkward, some clippings here and there of you pleading for some higher force to help you and your family out of messes. When you’d met Castiel, learning the jarring fact that angels were real, you gave it a few goes here and there. Cas answered sometimes when he could, but it was very clear he didn’t have a bond with you like he did with Dean. Then Castiel went ‘guano’ and a whole storybook of things went wrong with both Sam and Dean. One angel turned into two, and then a whole army. Metatron, Gadreel, so many others you could barely remember. When shit really started hitting the fan and Cas disappeared you gave up praying all to together. You knew the truth about god- or, Chuck, and because of that it seemed more and more ludicrous.

Praying was ultimately useless.

But, here you were again, sitting on some bed that had definitely seen better days. The hotel room was small and dingy, consisting of your basic two beds, a couch, and some sad excuse for a miniature kitchen. It was ugly and the air was thick with something you swore was familiar but you’d slept in worse so it was… Fine. Sam and Dean were off somewhere- they didn’t really give you any details before taking off. You’d be upset if you didn’t see this coming, but, you did. After Jack’s weird nephilim blast managed to screw your shoulder up you Dean made an effort to try and get you to stay at the bunker while they went off for some hunt (thought you knew they were looking or Jack at the same time).

“Someone needs to hold the fort down”, “It’s just a couple vamps, totally under control.”, “Cas is gonna need some company.” Dean really tried to make his intentions sound innocent but you knew better. Sam did too, evidently, because he chided in that your arm was still healing. He shut up pretty fast when you reminded him so dearly that he was literally dying during God’s Trails and still went on hunts. When your injury was off the table, and Cas took his leave to try and find his son, there were no more cards for them to play.

Even though you managed to get your way you somehow knew this was destined to be your fate. They told you to stick around and watch the room while they questioned a few witnesses, but it had been nearly three hours and you hadn’t heard a one from either of them. Three hours of nothingness did not settle kindly with you, especially not with everything that had just happened. You tried to sleep, tried to read, and tried to zone out to some random cartoons on TV but nothing was working quite well enough to tune out your thoughts.

Jack was out on his own in a great big world he’d never seen much of. Except for the few hunts he went on (which he was very sheltered guided through) he hadn’t experienced the world or the people for himself. Now he was off somewhere doing god knows what when there were not only angels but demons coming after him as well. He was so easily taken advantage of and you hated to think that maybe this was the start of something evil. You, Sam, Dean, Cas- none of you were there to keep him away from forces that would use his powers for the epitome of bad. Plus, with his new ‘I’m evil’ mentality, it would be even easier for him to manipulated.

You wished he would reach out to you somehow, even if it was just to let you know he was okay. Maybe you were just selfish at partially expecting a parting note but damn it he was your friend and he knew how much you cared for him. You’d told him time and time again that he was far from evil, that he was as good as a good man could be. You told you believed in him, and you stupidly thought that was enough. In some ways, there was more than just… Friendship, and you thought maybe he was grasping that too with the way he would sometimes look at you but it was likely he just looked at everyone like that. That doey eyed, star struck expression. He’d make the same eyes at a cup of coffee if he liked it enough. Plus, even if you were some sort of special case to him, this was not the time. He was nephilim learning the extent of his power and ‘team free will 2.0’ was comprised of such a ragtag group that even the littlest thing could set it off. The last thing anyone, especially Jack, needed was relationship problems.

Still, every time you thought about what could possibly be happening to him your stomach dropped and your skin heated, your hands wringing together in tension. Alone in that hotel room with virtually nothing to do, you couldn’t take it anymore. You turned to the last resort.

Sitting on the creaky bed, you started wringing your hands together yet again. “Hey Jack,” you said to the empty room. Already you felt stupid. “I know you're not entirely angel so I don’t even really know if you can hear me but, if you can-” You licked over your lips and took a glance around. Still empty, so you let your head fall as you closed your eyes. “If you can hear me just… Let me know you’re okay. You don’t have to stay here and you don’t have to talk to anyone, you don’t even really have to talk to me, just show up and then you can go. I need to know you’re still out there.”

If you didn’t feel lonely before you definitely felt it now. The hotel room felt barren despite it’s furniture. Everything felt cold and abandoned. You tried again, eyebrows furrowing as you tried paying harder.

“Jack, please. Write me a note or something. Make it rain outside. Break a glass- do something. I know you don’t want to but please talk to me. I won’t try to make you change your mind or stay, I won’t even tell anyone I saw you, I just-” A hard lump formed in your throat and you shook your head, taking a moment to sniff and wipe your eyes before continuing. “I miss you.” Still, silence. Nothingness. He was nowhere to be seen and you still had no idea if he could even hear you in the first place. You tried to swallow down but you found that you couldn’t, that lump far too intrusive for you to just choke down your sorrows. Sadness, a ripping desolated kind, gutted you. Your hands came to ball into fists in despair. “I get why you left. I get why you don’t come back.” The curtains blew. “I wouldn’t want to be around us either.”

You knew you were wrong in your words, but you were hurt. Jack left because he feared for your well being but you couldn’t stop yourself from feeling rejected and deserted. The least he could do is tell me he’s okay, an angry side of you said through gritted teeth. Behind you, fabric rustled and you shot up at that familiar sound, turning on your heel ready to face him-

The room was empty. A gust of wind rustled the curtains, the sound reaching you like a slap to the face. So much excitement coursed through you at the thought of him coming back to you, but it wasn’t him. You felt heavy and alone, and you fell back to sit on the bed with slumped, defeated shoulders. Finally, the tears fell from your eyes, and you hid them in your shaking fingers even though you were all alone. If he couldn’t hear you, then he was on his own. If he could and chose not to come, then he’d made his decision. Both options felt like they were ripping you in two.

Isolation settled into your body like ice, and you were stuck between wanting Sam and Dean to come back and wanting them to stay far away until you were done with your sudden catharsis. Maybe this was what you needed. Things had been hard and stressful lately, maybe you just needed a good cry to get it over with.

Behind you, the curtains blew again. You ignored the sound.

“That was not why I left.”

Your eyes snapped open, looking past the cracks of your fingers and through a blurry mess. Try as you might to get up, you couldn’t. You were frozen in your spot, partially wondering if you’d only been hearing things. Hesitantly, like if you looked too quickly he’d disappear, you peeked over your shoulder.

Jack stood in the center of the room. He looked the same as he did when he first left, save for his expression. When he left he had a face of sorrowful determination, but standing there he didn’t look like he wanted to keep you at a distance. His features were soft and forlorn, his eyebrows furrowed in empathy. He appeared like a wounded animal, standing with his face downcast as though he was ashamed to be in your presence.

Slowly you stood up from the bed and made your way towards him. He didn’t retract or back away from you even when you stood a mere few feet away. You watched him closely, waiting for another blast or for him to just up and disappear again. It would make sense- after all you clearly told him he didn’t have to stay and talk with you.

“Jack,” You whispered, but it wasn’t a greeting. It was more of a statement, a peace of mind that made you sigh out in relief. He was alive.

“___.” He answered, and the simplicity made you smile.

Your fingers rubbed together, itching to reach out and touch him. It was hard to fight the overwhelming urge to leap forward and grab him, hold him, but you did anyways in fear of scaring him off.

“I missed you.” You said, your voice wavering still with your previous session. There was no way he couldn’t see the puffiness of your eyes or the redness in your cheeks. When you sniffled and tried to wipe your eyes again the way his fingers almost moved to comfort you did not go unnoticed. 

“I know,” he turned to face the window, the breeze still swaying the curtains. “I… I could hear you.” A deep breath left him before he started speaking again, this time making sure to look you in the eyes as he said, “I did not leave you because I wanted to. I had to.”

Another lump formed in your throat. “Why?”

Jack seemed unsure of what to say, or maybe he just had too much going through his mind at once. He probably had a million reasons why, picking the best one was the problem. He settled on one answer, frowning.

“Because I would hurt you.”

“Jack, that’s not-”

“No, I would. I know you want to tell me that I won’t, but I will.” His face fell at the sight of your bandaged sticking out from under your sleeve, and you quickly pulled the fabric down to cover it. His voice softened. “I already have.”

“No, this isn’t-” Quickly you pressed the palm of your hand on your shoulder, your face hard as you tried to not seem phased. “See? It barely hurts,” Jack started to move towards you on impulse it seemed, and you nervously kept talking in hopes of calming him. “You know Sam and Dean, they’re always so worried and over protec-” Before you could finish Jack reached out, holding his hand flat against the junction of your shoulder.

A strange, numbing sensation washed over you. It was like being doused with morphine, the soreness in your arm fading in seconds until there was no pain at all- not even an ache. Jack took a step back and allowed you space to move your arm, now free of its wounds. You gaped at him, taking in his look of shame and hurt.

“You learned to heal.” You murmured in awe, and he nodded, frowning.

“I’ve still been learning.”

Blinking, you tilted your head. “How?”

“I’ve just been… Doing it.” Jack looked down at the palms of his hands and you followed his line of sight, expecting some sort of angelic glow.

“Wait, what have you been healing?”

“Cats.” He answered plainly, and it took you a second or two to process that. At your dumbfoundedness he decided to elaborate. “Cats are… Easier than people. They are smaller and-... Take much less effort.” He looked back down at his hands and sighed. “But they do scratch me a lot.”

A laugh forced it’s way from your lips. You couldn’t help it- the way he spoke with an almost comical sigh over stray cats not wanting his help during this almost dire situation was hilarious.

“Where are you finding injured cats?” You asked, smiling.

He shrugged, a frown forming again. “They’re outside a lot. They like to fight with each other and get into things I’m pretty sure they aren’t supposed to be in. They... Remind me of Sam and Dean.”

You laughed again, a familiar sense of that bond returning. Apparently he seemed to take in your happier tone, and like a blessing, his smiled too. “That was funny?” He asked, grinning almost sheepishly, and it warmed you to the core. The feeling, one you had been longing for since the instant he left, made you realize how much he meant to you. God, you missed him.

Impulsively you reached out now that he was right there in front of you. Pain or no pain in your shoulder, you wrapped your arms around him and buried your face against his clothed skin. Everything surged out all at once, and you were afraid he’d get startled by your sudden outburst but instead he welcomed it. His arms came to enclose around you, and feeling him return the gesture was enough to bring tears to your eyes all over again. He let you cry against him, maybe because he didn’t know how to handle you or just maybe because he felt the same. The way his hands came to rest almost protectively on your back made you shake against his figure, fingers curling into the fabric of his jacket. You wanted him to stay with you, to come back to the bunker, to let you and everyone else protect him.

“I know I told you I wouldn’t argue with you,” You started, pulling back just enough to speak without being muffled. “But it fucking sucks not having you around.”

“I’m sorry.” He apologized.

“Why can’t you stay?” You hiccupped, eyes welling with more tears.

Worried and torn, he murmured,  “I told you why. I am a danger to you and everyone else.”

You pressed your hands to his chest and pushed back to look up at him desperately. “But you said you’re learning.”

“Not enough.” He shook his head, and you slumped your shoulders.

“We can help you.”

“I don’t want to hurt you in the process.”

“But-” You moved away from the protective cage of his arms and grabbed at your shoulder. “You can heal now- if you do end up doing… Something then you can just fix it!”

“I could kill you!” His eyes closed tightly, jaw setting. “Like- Like when I tried to stop that shifter and I hit that man. I killed him. I took him away from his family, they needed him. My father couldn’t heal him-” He stopped and swallowed, opening his eyes to look at you as though he were afraid of you. “If I killed you, or anyone, I don’t know what I’d do.”

Remembering the man that had come into Jack’s line of fire made you turn your gaze to the floor. It was true, Jack had taken that man away from the family that needed him. “That wasn't your fault.”

“It doesn’t matter,” He breathed, voice almost in pain. “I still killed him.”

“But it wasn’t like you wanted to. He jumped out, you didn’t aim for him.”

“That doesn’t matter, ___,” He rubbed at his eyes and moved to pass you, sitting down on the bed you were once upon. You followed him cautiously, unsure if he wanted to have space to himself. When you did settle down beside him, he stared down at his lap miserably. “There’s something in me. I-... I can feel it. Even if I don’t mean to, even if I try to stop it, I will hurt someone again.” He turned to look at you, his eyes glistening with building tears. “I will hurt you.”

You sniffed and reached out, placing a hand on his upper back. “You don’t know that.”

He nodded sadly, eyes closing. “I do. I don’t know how I do I just… Do. I’m not… Meant to be good.”

“Meant to be good?” You blinked at him, astounded. “Jack, no one’s meant to be good.”

“You are. Sam is. Dean, too. My father. You’re all good.”

“That because you don’t know…” You trailed off momentarily. “Things. Jack, we’ve all done things that are bad. We’ve all made our mistakes that costed a life, of even multiple lives. You’re not the only one who’s screwed up bad.”

“But- If you did things that are so bad, how can you be here, right now. How can you be good still.”

You shrugged and smiled. “Because… Good is subjective.” When he narrowed his eyes in confusion, you continued. “Jack, no one’s really born a good person. You can have a good heart, a good mind, good whatever, but it’s in the actions that make you a good person.”

“But I don’t have a good heart.”

You frowned. “Yes, you do. You have a good mind too- I know it because you’re here right now. You feel bad for what you've done, you know you can’t let it happen again. If you were some horrible monster destined for darkness, don’t you think you wouldn’t give a shit about that man or his family?” When he took in your words silently, you softened your face. “What I’m trying to say is you know good from bad, in your head and in your heart. You have good intentions but you’re still learning. In a way... We all are.”

Jack turned his attention to his lap, his expression pensive and thoughtful. “You’re saying that… Even… Evil can be good.”

“You aren’t evi-”

“But If I was, could I?” he interrupted you sharply. “Can evil be good?”

“Well,” You tossed his words around in your head. If you didn’t know the devil personally you’d say yes, but you’ve seen evil and what it can do. But, for Jack’s sake, you gave into his seeding hope. “Yeah. I don’t think you can see the good in you, Jack. You keep saying you’re so evil, yet you’d distance yourself from the people you care about just to keep them safe.” You rubbed small circles into his back and offered him another smile. “That doesn’t seem very evil to me.”

Jack’s brows knit in thought, his fingers wringing together. There was a glimmer of warmth in your heart, thinking about the possibility of convincing him to return on his own accord. After a second of silence he took on a new expression, something much more intense. He turned to look at you, leaning forward slightly.

“Do you trust me?” He asked suddenly. You blinked at him before nodding, still rubbing along the length of his back. He sighed and turned to look forward, eyes unfocused. “And you care about me?”

“Of course I care about you.”

“Do you love me?”

Jack’s blunt question made you freeze, hand stuck in it’s place on his upper back. Your stomach rolled as everything went silent. He watched your face, expression still intense and unchanging.

Through a dry mouth, you said, “Well, yeah. You’re… Important to me.” You knew he wasn’t entirely sure of what he was asking, after all he was still relatively knew to this world. Familial love and romantic love… There was a very blurred line there for him. He was likely asking if you just viewed him as someone close. So, you nodded again. “You’re like my own family.”

At your words Jack frowned and sighed almost defeatedly, face falling to look at his lap. “Oh.”

“What’s wrong?” You started rubbing his back again, unsure of the sudden mood change. He should have been happy you loved him, cared for him.

“So I’m like a brother to you.” Jack’s voice was dull and beaten.

You pulled your hand away, nerves starting to heat up at the scene playing out. “I-I mean… I guess? I wouldn’t really put a label on it. You’re just important to me.”

He once again stared at you, those eyes capturing you. You felt small sitting beside him, like he was reaching into your mind and trying to dig it’s way through. Maybe he was, actually. Maybe he was reading in your mind, taking in all those hopes and dreams you only dared to reach out towards. Perhaps he was visiting your memories, meeting the people you once had. Or, maybe he just watching him through your eyes. the extent 

“Since I’ve been alone I’ve learned a lot about… You.”

You narrowed your eyes in confusion. “Me?”

“People. Humans. You’re all so intricate and there’s so much to take in.” He swallowed, appearing almost nervous. “I’ve learned how to heal. I’ve learned how to hide, and ‘teleport’ as Dean calls it. I’ve also learned interactions in a way.”

“Well, that’s good. I’m glad you’re picking things up.”

His eye’s flickered away before returning back to your own. “There’s more than one type of love, right?”

“I mean- Yeah?” You weren’t sure where this was going.

“I’ve been reading a lot of books, watching movies too when I can. There are so many romance novels and they’re all the same but also… Different. I never knew there was so much to love. There’s the kind you feel towards your… Family and friends. It’s different than the person you chose to spend your life with.”

Fingers rubbing at each other, you nodded along with his words. “Yeah. Romantic and familial. You don’t dedicate and give yourself to your family like you would with your partner. It’s different.”

“I know that now,” Jack turned his body enough to be facing you, his hand resting on the mattress in between your bodies. He came closer, determined. “Do you love me?”

Instantly you flushed, subconsciously leaning back. He was so blunt- it was in his nature. You smiled nervously, wondering if this was something you wanted to play off. “Do you know what you’re asking?”

“I’m asking if you love me.” He knit his brows in thought before nodding at his own words. “I’m asking if you’re in love with me.”

It felt like you were being drowned out by a spotlight. He was leaning so close, you couldn’t escape him. You didn’t want to escape him. The answer was clear and obvious- yes. You loved him, even if you feared him, even if you feared for him. Your fingers twitched in their place, that same longing neediness returning. Yes, you wanted to say, but you couldn’t. Sam, Dean, Cas… they didn’t need this. They didn’t need your relationship causing issues and tensions, and with everything going on you didn’t want there to be tensions between you and Jack.

On top of that what would they all even say? Cas might understand. Jack was his son, after all. He might even see it as a good thing, Jack having stronger bonds with people. Sam might, too. He might be hesitant and give you the earful but ultimately he wouldn’t tear you away from him, not while it meant you could keep him in check and he could keep you safe.

The only one you truly feared was Dean. You feared his explosive anger and shock, and those words that would cut you pretty damn deep. It took him weeks to even think of Jack as anything less than evil, let alone someone who was capable of loving and taking care of someone he cared about. He’d think Jack was lying, or confused.

There were so many things that could go wrong. Jack could die. You could die. Someone could get hurt, someone could leave, someone could-

“___.” Jack called. Your mind went blank. He was there, closer now. Your face few warm, your fingers twitched again. You froze. He didn’t move away. It felt like everything going on this past week had led up to this moment, starting from when he left, to all the loneliness, and now... Here. He was so close and you were sure he already knew the answer to his question, but he wanted to hear it anyways. You wanted to say it anyways. Finally, you gave in.

“Yes.”

Warmth pooled his in his eyes, that gentleness making you suck in a breath. He moved in and you let him, welcomed it, eyes closing and your fingers moving to touch his jawline with your fingertips as though he were fragile. The kiss was brief and hesitant, but you still almost moved with him when he pulled away.

“I love you too. Romantically.” He said innocently, and you were too shaken to answer. He was so oblivious and bright, smiling when he pulled himself away while you were stuck in your place. You probably had the dumbest look on your face. Smiling, he looked down sheepishly. “I read that in a book. When two people are in love, they kiss.”

You blinked, then a grin broke out over your face. You giggled and covered your heated face, shaking your head in endearment. Of course he read that in a book. Mind still racing, you internally made a joke about Sam and Dean teasing him for reading that ‘Anne Rice’ crap, but then you recoiled. Sam and Dean. Now that you and him had ‘sealed your love’, what would happen? Would they accept the two of you, would it make things tense and awkward, would it even work out at all? If Jack left again and never came back, you weren’t sure you could handle it now that you’d gotten what you’d been longing for.

“Are you staying?” You blurted, and he frowned sharply.

“I’m… Not sure.” As his face fell you wished you hadn’t sad anything at all. “I think Dean’s going to be angry at me for what I did.”

You reached out, gently touching at his arm. “No, no, they’re not mad at you, Jack. They’re worried and looking for you, we all are.” you paused. “Well, were, since… I know you’re here.”

“I’m not strong enough to hold myself back, still.”

“But you came back to me.”

“Because you called me,” He closed his eyes. “And because I love you. It… Hurt you see you suffering because of me. It hurt to see you suffering at all.”

“So then stay,” you pleaded. “Stay here and when they come back explain everything. We can all keep each other safe.”

“How can I protect you and everyone when I am the threat?”

You swallowed. “Jack,” You began, voice wavering. “You can’t tell me you love me, kiss me, and then leave again. It’s not fair.”

He looked at you with glassy eyes, his edges softer in empathy. “I don’t want to hurt you or anyone ever again.”

“I don’t care,” Frustrated, you rubbed at your wettening eyes. “If you leave now I’ll miss you even more.”

“Dean will lock me in the bunker. He’ll keep me away from you because he’s… Afraid of me.”

You opened your mouth to combat his words but you knew deep down he was right. If Jack came back, likely what he would be met with is a bunker full of baby proofing and constant, patronization from Sam and Dean trying to keep him at bay at all times. They feared him. To some degree, you did too.

When your shoulders slumped, eyes downcast in defeat, he reached out for you. His hands came to rest under your chin and he tipped your head to look at him, and you wondered if he read this in a book too.

“If I leave, I’ll come back.” He said simply, softly. You nodded. “But… Don’t tell anyone. Not yet.”

“What if they find out?”

His tongue darted from between his lips, his eyes not meeting yours for a few seconds. “Then I will explain it.”

“Okay.” You whispered. His hands released their gentle hold on your chin and you missed the feeling.  Rubbing at your eyes again, you sniffled. “You can go if you want, and… I won’t tell anyone but… You have to come when I call you. You have to tell me that you’re okay out there alone.”

He nodded quickly. “Of course. I will do everything to make sure you are not lonely without me.”

You smiled and huffed a laugh. “Don’t give yourself so much credit.” you teased. Bad move. The moment those words left your lips, Jack’s face fell. You quickly shook your head, saying, “No, I was only joking.”

You apologized and he nodded slowly before laughing as though he’d caught on. Behind the two of you, the curtains finally started to blow again as tenacity melted from the room like rain on a window. Jack looked down at you and just as you reached up, intent on kissing him again, the alarm on your phone began blaring.

Both you and Jack jumped, attention crudely grabbed by the wailing device sitting acorss the room on the little table. Quickly you got up, leaving him on the bed while you picked it up and checked the caller ID. Sam.

“It’s Sam.” You whispered before answering. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Hey ___. We uh- We just finished here and-” There was a shuffle of movement and a distant yelling. “Yeah I’m telling her right now, Dean, calm down. Anyways, yeah, we’re coming back with food. When we get back do you want to head back to bunker or stay another night there?”

“Whatever works. How’s Dean?”

“Dean? He’s uh-” There was another yell and he sighed. “He’s fine. We’ll be back in about an hour.” You smiled, wondering what story they'd be bringing back with them. You could almost hear Sam rolling his eyes on the other end, could almost picture Dean shoving his things into his bags all huffy and irritated over something mundane that he’d get over in an hour.

“Nice, see you then.” Before you could hang up Sam caught you.

“Hey, have you uh… Heard or seen anything on Jack?”

Immediately your eyes flicked to Jack, sitting on the bed silently as he watched. You shook your head. “Nope. You?”

Sam sighed deeply. “Nope. We’ll just have to keep looking, I guess. See ya.”

The line went dead, leaving you clicking the end call button in shame.

“They were asking about me, weren’t they?” Jack asked, and you nodded slowly. He frowned. “I will come back, but not right now. Not until I know I can protect everyone.” He looked up at you. “Until I know I can protect you.”

If not for the situation of lying to Sam and Dean, your heart would have melted at his words. Jack got up from his spot and made his way to you, hands once again tipping your head up when you didn’t meet his gaze.

“I’ll come when you call me,” He whispered. “I will not leave you alone.”

You nodded woefully knowing you couldn’t stop him. “Promise?”

Jack leaned down and kissed you again, leaving you wondering just how much he’d learned while he was away. This was not the same oblivious and unsure person you knew- and maybe that was a good thing, because you truly believed him when he whispered to you, “I promise.”

Then, he was gone. You almost tipped forward when he disappeared into thin air, that fluttering of fabric ringing in your ears. Suddenly everything felt cold and lonely again, that same weight you’d felt earlier settling heavy on your chest. You should have felt at peace, happy at knowing he would come and when you’d call him, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to feel entirely appeased with what was going on. You didn’t want to lie to Sam, Dean, or Cas. You didn’t want to miss Jack, to only see him when you knew you were alone. Thinking about someone finding out, the arguments and scoldings you’d get, made your head spin and you made your way to the bed once again. It almost felt like you could still feel him where he had been sitting, where he’d kissed you for the first time.

A smile actually did break out at that. He’d kissed you, and he knew full well what it had meant.

Sighing, you let your head fall back against the pillow. You wished he was there with you but that couldn’t be- not yet anyways. The next time you were for sure alone you’d call him, and you’d kiss him and not have to worry about anything for just a little bit. Whenever that time came, you would be ready. For now, however, Sam and Dean were coming back and you were all heading back to the bunker for god knows how long.

One thing was clear, however. At the next hunt you’d give into Dean ‘suggesting’ you stay behind. Staying home at the bunker, safe and sound with Jack, beat icing whatever monsters they faced anyways. All you could really hope was that this would work out, no matter how much bad luck you always found yourself with. 

[solarbird]

Old Soldiers, Chapter 23: how did you know, before I did?

Yep, still working on Old Soldiers. It's really difficult to switch gears between the Oilliphéist and Venom/Fear of Spiders universes, it really is, but it's happening.

This chapter is worksafe. [AO3 link]

[All dialogue in «angle quotes» is translated from the Spanish. Amélie's thoughts are translated from the French.]

Amélie awoke, early. She often woke before Lena, regardless of where they were, but she didn't mind that. Usually, when it happened ahead of the alarm, she'd doze, and wait, so they could rise together. But sometimes, it there was time, she'd slip out, sneak over to the kitchen, make coffee and tea and get out cheeses and creams and preserves and the morning's good bread, delivered, and the scents would reach over, across, to their bedroom, and awaken her partner, and she'd stumble out, eyes still half-closed, usually remembering to put on a shirt, following the delicious smell of breakfast, and she'd say, "y'know what this needs? Bangers!" and she'd grab the sausages she'd bought a day or two before out of the refrigerator and get to work, and everything would be wonderful.

This was neither of those sorts of day.

The spider plucked at her web. What is it? she thought. It is... something. What?

She didn't really care all that very much about this mission. Morrison had been someone her husband knew, the person to whom Gabriel Reyes reported. They'd met, no doubt, at some function or other. But his time for shaking the world had passed, taking care of him - justice, of a sort, their way - was important to Lena, and so, she was willing to put Talon behind it. And finding herself thinking about that, she let her mind trace that strand further, further down, lower, into thinner, lesser strands - but strands nonetheless.

And she was very surprised to discover that for some reason she did not know, some reason she didn't understand, something had changed.

Jack Morrison, left to his own devices, was going to do something very bad indeed. And it had to be stopped, before anyone else even knew it could happen.

"How did you know?" she whispered, shifting up, and looking at her wife, sprawled across the bed, arms akimbo, hair even moreso. "How did you know before I did?"

Lena stirred just as the alarm rang the chimes of Big Ben. She blinked, groggily, looked up at her wife, and smiled. "G'morffin'," she managed, flopping over onto Amélie's legs.

The assassin smiled back at her partner, but there was a firmness to it. "Get up," she said, firmly, sliding out from underneath. "Something has happened. I must find out what. Suddenly, I think, this mission may be... important."

-----

Amélie pulled her helmet off, frustrated, frowning. Nothing, she thought. Nothing of interest, at least. No new news items, at least, nothing that affected this situation. No outbreaks of violence, of disease, no disappearances, no interesting thefts, not even any strange new conspiracy rumours reaching high enough to matter, not even to her...

Perhaps Sombra has had more luck, she thought, climbing out of her lotus position and off the bed. Or perhaps we can make it not matter. She pulled on the rest of her field kit, and walked into the safehouse's living room, where Sombra sat, intently, poking at virtual keyboards and screens, Lena and Angela keeping each other company, occasionally watching.

"Anything?"

"Nothing, araña - sorry." Sombra turned around, facing the spider. "If he's done something, it's too quiet even to make my ears. And I don't miss much."

"Gabe's almost here, though. I was about to talk to my old friend again, too. See what he thought about our little video."

"Good," Amélie nodded. "I'll make some coffee. Anyone else?"

Lena waved her off, holding up her mug of tea. Angela smiled, though, and said, "I would. I always liked your coffee."

"Sadly, this is not the best version," the assassin smiled back, fondly, "...but I will do what I can with what I have."

I've missed her more than I realised, she thought, as she walked into the kitchen, glancing over the cluster of information monitors Sombra had set up for her, but seeing nothing new. She pulled the pitcher of water and coarse coffee grounds from the small refrigerator, pulled out a filter, and drained the cold brew into a second pitcher, giving it a taste.

Much better, she thought, pouring two glasses half-full, adding milk, some sugar, and ice, and tasted. Yes. The beans are good. It is just a shame the water is so hard. Still, it will do.

She walked out in time to hear Sombra speaking in increasingly agitated Spanish with her friend in Los Muertos.

«What do you mean, he left?» she said, confused.

«He left! This morning! We'd watched your video and were trying to figure out how to get rid of him without getting ourselves all killed by whatever the hell that was, and he walked in and says he has an outside job, needs to take a couple of weeks to work on it.»

«Well... did he say anything about where he was going?»

«We weren't about to ask, we were just glad he was gone. We're gonna pick up and relocate before he comes back. You're gonna tell your friends in Talon about that, right?»

«Of course I am - and you're welcome.» She thought for a moment. I think he's telling the truth, but we'll have to check... «Did he say anything about where he was going?»

«No - just that he had to get training for some special mission. He wouldn't tell us what, or when, or where - he just made some joke about the animal at the heart of the animal? Which I kind of think probably worked better in English.»

Lena largely kept up, listening as the Spanish went by, and looked confused for just a moment before her eyes went wide, and she whispered, "No!" She looked up at Amélie, who looked confused by the metaphor.

"The animal - the beast. The beast at the heart of the beast," she whispered, as Sombra joked with her friend, trying to weasel out possible training locations without actually sounding like she wanted the data. "I think that means us, and I think... I think the beast means Winston."

Angela's eyes went wide as Amélie tested the idea and nodded, eyes half-closed to slits. It fits, she thought. "It is possible. We must send a warning."

"Embassy security's pretty good. I'm pretty sure he's safe as long as he stays in Geneva," Lena said, nodding, as Sombra told them to shut up, can't they tell she's talking to her friends? And the junior assassin waved everyone into the kitchen.

"I knew we should've just capped him from th' start," she said, closing the kitchen door behind her. "Could've avoided all this."

"I did not take this seriously enough," her wife acknowledged, adding another cube of ice to her coffee, and motioning to Angela if she wanted another herself.

The doctor frowned, not at the ice, but at the entire situation. "I do not speak Spanish, and did not catch enough of your English - what is going on?"

"Jack's bugged out, luv. He's headed off somewhere - don't know where, Sombra's workin' on that - t'get ready for some mission, and I think that mission is Winston."

"Winston?!" the doctor exclaimed. "Why? That makes no sense."

"'The beast at the heart of the beast' is what he told Los Muertos, yah? Given what we know about his obsessions, I'm pretty sure we're the beast. Which means the beast at the heart of it is Widowmaker..."

"Let him try," she sneered.

Venom giggled, briefly, before getting serious again, "...or Winston, if y'want the 'joke' t'make any sense, right?"

Angela sipped at her coffee - quite good, still - and thought. "Ana thinks," the temporary Talon field medic said, "...that she knows 'everyone' you are. Given what she said in person, we can assume that means Talon. She also said that I'm involved. Which means she thinks I am involved with Talon..."

"Not wrong, now. Ironic, innit?"

"Quiet, I'm thinking..." she said, not wanting to think about that too closely, "...and if Ana thinks that, then... what? She thinks I am your... contact? Your superior?"

"...her creator, perhaps? Perhaps also mine." Amélie sipped her coffee, still thinking, as the other two women looked at her, surprised, and she shrugged. "That ludicrous set of documents from the investigation - if Overwatch and Blackwatch actually believed the official story about my 'abduction' and 'conditioning' to be who I am..."

"You're thinkin' that all came from her?" asked Lena, half a smile on her face.

"No. But if she went to Jack, after sending that letter to Fareeha..."

"...it could've come from him," Venom nodded. "Yeh. He signed off on both reports..."

"And he's latched onto Winston, because, because..." The doctor stood up very straight, very tall. "Because of your accelerator! Of course! It couldn't just be me, because I am a medical doctor, not a physicist - it would have to be Winston!"

"It almost makes sense," the Widowmaker said, "in an oddly... detached-from-reality sort of way."

"We need to get Gabe in on this," Lena said, shaking her head. "He knew Jack best, before. And that Los Muertos fighter, Delgado. She might know something. She said he talks in his sleep."

"It means bringing her in on this side of the fence," Angela frowned. "Please do not do that."

"He can talk t'her, we can talk t'him. He should still be an hour out of customs, we should try t'raise him. I'll do it."

The door opened, and Sombra walked in, her expression a combination of bemusement and outright disbelief. "You guys aren't going to believe what I think is going on."

"Yeah?" Venom grinned, happy to have an even better reason to kill Jack Morrison. "Wait'll you hear our version. But g'wan, luv - you first."

-----

"How...?"

Ana Amari looked around the pocket valley not too far outside Jalpan De Serra, a hidden spot deep in the nature reserve. Under a canopy of forest, a small, single-storey house sat in good order. But the interesting parts were around it - the cleared, low-level training camp hidden from overhead view, boxed off in most directions by steep slopes and cliffs.

"Pretty sure it was originally cleared during the war," Morrison replied. "Local resistance against the Omnics. Deep cover. Well hidden. People stay away - bad memories, I guess." He chuckled, a little. "I try to encourage that."

He pointed with his rifle over towards a particularly green patch. "Latrines used to be over there, I think. Found a bunch of old tent stakes, too. Probably didn't want anything too permanent, so they'd just tent up and go."

"Either that, or it was a campground," she smirked. "So this is where you go to hide."

"Hide, or think, or train, Ana. Different things, but it's a good place for all three." He gestured towards the house. "C'mon inside. It's comfortable - I've got a combination of solar and geothermal, and there's an uplink towards the top of the cliff. I figure we'll want to get to San Jose a week before Winston arrives, and until then, we should just lay low, and plan."

I don't like it, Ana thought. It is too steep, and the cliffs are too close. "A hidey-hole is also a trap, Jack. You know that."

"Nobody else in the world knows I know about this place, Ana. Not anymore. If there's any safe place in the Western hemisphere..." He opened the door, and threw his knapsack onto the couch against the far wall of the small living room. "...this is it."

[setoangel01-fanfiction]

Disclosure - Part 2

Set Me Free - Chapter 13 (Previous Chapters)

Fandom: Sing 2016

Pairing: Johnny x Ash

Rated: T

Chapter Summary: …and perhaps Johnny learns more about Ash in the process…

Fanfiction.net

A03

It took all of three seconds for Ash to realize what she had done.

Blind panic setting in, Ash abruptly yanked herself back and away from Johnny. Frantically scooting across the cement where her skirt and leggings caught on the bumpy, rough asphalt beneath her rump; probably loosening a few seams in the process. All the while, Ash silently began cursing her brief lapse in judgment and abnormal actions; eyes widened and staring at Johnny, who had the same surprised expression she was undoubtedly wearing right now.

Just where the hell had that come from?!

Ash sat in stunned silence, chest heaving with frantic breaths and confusion as to what had gotten into her in first place. It was as if for those few brief seconds, she wasn't even in complete control of her body; rather allowing her pent up frustrations and emotions cater to her physical movements. Sure, his story was downright heart-breaking and tragic; the situation with his father's coldness toward Johnny bothered her immensely considering how he didn't allow it to get him down… but outright hugging him?!

Seriously?

Her?! - the very embodiment/poster child of the prickly porcupine - the who never bothered to hug anyone let alone a guy she barely knew?!

Ash stared wide-eyed at him for quite some time; taking notice of his elevated right arm that appeared to attempt to curl around her as if to perhaps return the hug - or at least that's what it looked like. She watched as he gingerly lowered it back to his side while wearing a rather embarrassed expression. If only he knew the amount of embarrassment she was feeling at this moment would overwhelm whatever his was.

Hell, even Johnny was staring back at her as if she'd grown two heads - probably questioning as to what she was going to say or do next that was completely out of character for the rebellious rocker.

Ash wasn't even certain of what she would do anymore.

"I-I'm sorry…" she finally gasped out like a fish out of water, "I really didn't mean to do that…I swear I di- " hands up in an almost surrender as she spoke.

"It's okay!" Johnny was quick to speak out and interrupt whatever the hell she was attempting to apologize for. "I-It's fine…" Johnny's gaze fell from hers for a second; appearing almost…disappointed? …what that meant she didn't care to ponder long so she dutifully ignored it.

Instead, Ash yanked her eyes away from that kind chestnut gaze; icy eyes refusing to acknowledge Johnny's questioning stare and questions he undoubtedly had about her strange behavior.

Feeling more than anxious, Ash stood to her feet. Not caring to notice how Johnny glanced over at her as she paced a few steps away and back again; her eyes frozen to her feet and the cement she treaded over. In these long, terse moments, all Ash could frustratingly think about was that brief hug.

Three measly seconds of her small fingers digging into the soft, worn leather jacket that easily creased under her touch. Face buried into his green jumper; the fabric pressing gingerly on her cheek as she squeezed him as hard as her tiny arms allotted. Even the small nuances of his scent still permeated her nostrils, warm, woodsy and strangely comforting… a glimpse of his heat pressed against her cheek and within those short moments, she found herself filled with contradiction. In that strange and out of character (for her anyway) moment, she wanted to apologize for her own behavior to him thus far; to offer to help regarding his situation even if it seemed out of the range of possibility…yet it didn't matter for the words simply wouldn't come. Ash didn't trust herself to speak; preferring to hide her face in his firm chest rather than facing his questions and trusting eyes.

Then it all came to a sudden halt when she had come to realize what she'd done.

Hugging him out of virtually nowhere like some kind of demented, needy individual. For being so cold to him thus far and for her to go out and embrace him for no other reason than she felt sorry for his situation and circumstance. How he held such unimaginable pain behind that kind smile and sweet demeanor and how genuine it was. It was as if her body did it of its own accord; that the walls she steadily built up around her heart shattered for merely a second. The side of her that wanted to keep the gorilla (and everyone else for that matter) at an arm's length seemingly didn't matter anymore…

Ash was more terrified than she could ever imagine being at that revelation. Could scarcely recall a moment when she allowed her emotions to control her like that…because that's all this was…wasn't it?

"I'm sorry." Ash spoke out as if to quell these rampant thoughts; to change the subject and hopefully quell this nausea boiling in her gut. "Ya know…about your dad."

If Johnny was surprised by the change in conversation, he didn't say anything. Spared her a simple glance over at her standing form and gave her back a small, non-reciprocated smile before replying.

"...Oh. Uh - thanks…" his voice a mere whisper when he finished.

"Yeah..." Ash kicked lightly at the scattered pebbles near her feet; doing anything to possible keep her mind occupied. Ash was lost in her own head for a moment when she heard him sniffle a bit; he tried to hide but she heard anyway. Accepting of her fate, she watched in barely withheld sadness as he wiped his wet eyes. Guilt and actual emotion were things she wasn't prepared to confront. She didn't know Johnny existed just over a month ago and it shocked her how much it truly saddened her to see him cry.

Ash hated it…

"I-I'm sure it'll work out." Ash shrugged; still finding it rather difficult to meet his eyes.

Johnny's questioning stare asked her what she meant without him having to say a word.

"...You know, you're a good singer." small shoulders shrugged while admitting it, "I-I bet if you wanted, you can earn money around town doing that. That way you're semi-living the dream and earning money for your dad's lawyer. Maybe then, he'll take your dream more seriously." Ash suggested; inwardly cringing at her own advice - she should be the last one giving advice about parental relationships when her own was in tatters.

"Thanks… M-Maybe that'll work." Johnny seemed to appreciate the compliment but when she mentioned his father, she saw the flash of emotion in his expressive eyes.

It was a good few moments before Johnny spoke again.

"Listen…" Johnny swallowed before continuing, "I'm sorry to drag you into this. It was my problem - I should have kept it to myself…"

"No." Ash spoke almost too suddenly.

"..." Johnny's brow ridges creased; his eyes slipping to hers with a questioning gaze.

"I was the one who asked - you just answered and for whatever the hell it's worth…I'm kinda glad you did. Really looked like you needed to get it off your chest…Helps to talk about it sometimes…" Ash shrugged, tempted to sit down next to him but held back, worried she'd do something crazy like hug him again.

"Thanks." Johnny muttered, running the back of his hand across his face.

"...Wait - what? You're thanking me? Heh. What for?" Ash chuckled louder than intended.

Legitimately confused as to what Johnny could possibly thank her for. In actuality, she was the one who should have been thanking him for everything he'd done for her in the short month they'd known each other. From giving her a ride to the moment he saved her life by blocking her with his own body from potentially fatal debris during the theater collapse.

"Listening…I-I never told anyone about this part of my life. You're actually the first." Johnny shrugged and Ash noticed a soft flush scattered about his cheekbones; Ash hating how her stomach twisted at the sight of it.

"...why me?"

"I dunno. You're just easy to talk to I s'ppose." Johnny replied and Ash really didn't believe it. Her whole life, she'd been the animal hardly anyone wanted to associate with given her actual spikes covering her head and back, dark clothing, resting bitch face, and rather prickly personality (pun not intended).

…and for Johnny to think she was approachable? It would be laughable had he not said it so genuinely.

"Are you shitting me?" she asked and Johnny's eyes widened at her sudden curse.

"W-What?"

"I mean, you've gotta be joking!"

"What do you mean?"

"Aw, come on. I'm not exactly an approachable animal by any stretch of the imagination."

"...why would you say that?"

"Aw, come on. I'm moody, literally covered in spikes, and I haven't been exactly nice to you since we've met." Ash felt as if she was rehashing a line. Recalling all of Lance's less than kind words to her over the years. Telling her to back off while he scored the gigs because she came off as unlikable or unapproachable; even downright rude. Ash recalled arguing with him about that saying he acted much of the same way but he excused himself saying he did it as a laid-back charm while she didn't possess that…

"It doesn't seem that way to me. You may have been a bit standoffish but that's to be expected between strangers. But since I've gotten to know you a bit more, I'd say you're a very nice person, Ash. If you weren't, you wouldn't have cried for me after hearing 'bout my dad..."

Ash froze for a moment under his intense gaze. It was as if she just felt the wetness gathered on her lashes and cheeks. Nearly slapping herself for not even bothering to wipe her face on her sleeve! For a second, she did just that before turning to him and clinging to anger before replying.

"It's been a long month, alright?" she defended her actions, hating to seem weak by crying. "And we just turned down by Buster and any hope of a career is kaput so tears were bound to happen eventually. You just caught me at the right time is all." she excused her behavior nervously and Johnny just smiled.

"...Regardless, I think you're very kind, Ash."

"Heh. If you say so." Ash muttered, eyes rolling a bit. Eventually straying from him as she lost herself to her thoughts.

The quietness that flooded the air this time around seemed a lot more calm. Not as tense and unsettling at it had been before they started this strange, albeit it rather…interesting conversation.

"Perhaps we should be going." Johnny's gentle voice barely disturbed the relaxing silence. Ash peered over at him to where he brushed his sleeve back to take a quick glance at his watch.

"Yeah..." Ash agreed but neither made a move to the truck. Didn't even attempt an inch toward the vehicle; neither vacating the spot they resided; both filled with trepidation on heading back even if it was only now someone opened up about it.

"It's-It's weird going back to an empty house." Johnny sighed, his statement didn't match the statement before so it felt as if it was thought out loud.

…Ash froze for a second, the familiarity with that statement hit her and she realized that perhaps her and Johnny had more in common than she thought.

"Yeah...Couldn't agree more.." Ash said before she even was aware the words left.

Eyes straying toward Johnny when he suddenly moved. The gorilla looking over at her as if something just dawned on him.

"Oh! T-That's right. Your boyfriend, right?" Johnny muttered out and a strange emotion flicked through his eyes but Ash didn't quite catch it.

"EX-boyfriend." Ash was sure to correct with a grunt; sudden anger at this whole damn situation rearing its ugly head. "…and yeah, I kicked his ass out."

"I'm sorry - that must have been hard. H-He um, was the porcupine that was with you at audition, right?"

"Yeah. That's him." Ash growled out.

"...ya mean the one that kept trying to convince you to not come back?" Johnny asked, voice grumbling the words and Ash's eyes widened and she stared over at him. Johnny flinched back at her imposing stare and questioning gaze; falling back on himself as if he didn't intend to say those words by how he was reacting.

Ash's brows furrowed, recalling that tense moment after she was accepted and Lance denied.

Lance's mutter of "…What?" as if it was the most shocking thing he'd ever heard.

Ash was more or less in shock, and if she could recall correctly, she said the exact same thing.

Questioning if she heard right and Buster had indeed wanted her and not Lance. Anger rising in her at Buster for not choosing both of them was short lived when Lance started to get really angry. Acting so damn insulted at the fact she was chosen over him; yanking her out of there by telling her it wasn't worth it. The fine cracks that had been growing over the course of their relationship were spreading like wildfire; this fine veneer slowly shattering when she came to realize Lance was not happy for her. Was willing for her to throw away such an amazing opportunity in the trash simply because he was not chosen. Called her a sell-out later on to discourage her from going…

Ash initially allowed him to pull her out of there; agreeing with Lance verbally but staring back at Buster; sheer astonishment that perhaps…he saw something in her no one else did before….

Not even her…

To think back and realize that moment had played out in front of Johnny and a room full of strangers.

Ash finally faced Johnny; her arms crossing as she stared at his profile, "Wait...You saw that?" she muttered out as almost an afterthought.

"...It was kind of hard not to notice." Johnny answered, face turned away from her and rather far off to his right.

Ash really wasn't sure how to respond; uncertain as to what, if anything, that meant.

"...if you don't mind me asking - what exactly happened between you two?" Johnny's voice cut through the terse silence and although it was prying and not something she was particularly happy with discussing with Johnny; Ash supposed he deserved an answer. The guy bared his soul to her so what was wrong with answering this rather easy question?

"Heh. Other than him being an obsessive control-freak and dickishly cheating on me after five years together? Eh - not much to tell." Ash shrugged, her eyes straying from Johnny and off to the distance before she could elaborate further.

"We dated for almost two years before moving in together. Three years and many failed gigs later, we auditioned for Moon's show. You know how that went. Anyway, he tried to coerce me into giving it up but I didn't want to. So, going against his wishes, I decided to do something for us - to win the competition and open a studio. Yet, one night after auditions, I came home…where I found him with some chick we knew back in high school." Ash swallowed thickly, that night painfully flashing in her head yet she continued.

"Long story short, he basically threw away our entire relationship because he was fucking petty that he didn't get chosen and deciding to take it out on me by finding someone else…So, I threw his ass out." Ash muttered out; hating how her relationship with Lance could be fit into a few painful sentences and feel somewhat complete.

It said a lot about how stupid all of it was…

"..." Johnny was completely silent. So much so Ash peered up at him and seen a look of anger she didn't expect; it had her stomach fluttering for reasons she didn't care to ponder.

"Well, that's about it..." she book-ended it; eyes slipping to the ground.

"So, let me get this straight - y-you're a wonderful singer and guitarist who deserved to get chosen and he was bloody upset that you're better than him? It should have been fairly obvious." Ash's eyes widened a bit at the compliment; hardly recalling the last person to ever blatantly tell her she was a formidable singer and outright better than Lance. She supposed she had just gotten used to Lance's demands of her to keep it down to even be confident in her own voice.

"I just don't get it...How could he do that to ya?" Johnny asked a moment later; barely even bothered hiding the obvious anger in his British voice. She could tell he probably wanted to speak further but kept silent to allow her time to answer.

Ash shrugged, "…I wish I knew…" hating how her voice broke near the end as familiar pain welled up deep inside of her.

"I mean, ya said you dated him for five years - and he cheats on you just because of that?! If he was your boyfriend and cared for you, he should 'ave been happy for ya! Supported you one hundred percent not go out to find someone else! Who does that!?" Johnny muttered out and Ash flinched a bit at how ridiculous she felt in this.

How stupid and blind she felt now when during her relationship with Lance is was so obvious because when Johnny spoke of being happy for her and supporting her…Lance was never any of that.

"The warning signs were there all along. I just ignored them I guess; just a naive girl who really thought he loved me." Ash shrugged it off, "Hindsight is 2020 after all…" she could have, should have said more but she didn't in fear of losing it. The pain was still so fresh and she feared that the slightest nick could start that scab bleeding all over again.

It was a few moments before Johnny spoke up, "'m sorry you had to go through that, Ash. Must make it hard to trust anyone - especially if someone you thought you knew for five years could do that to ya."

Ash furrowed her brows at that statement, sparing a glance over at him to where he was looking out over the beautiful scenery in front of them.

"All that time I was with him, he made it his mission to put me down while at the same time making it seem like he gave a crap. He never did. Kept telling me to pipe down and any fame I got was because of him - so many gigs he played where no producers called him - he claimed it was because I was holding him back. Ugh…" Ash muttered out, surprised at her lack of filter at this moment but she didn't care.

It felt as if her entire career was already grumbled and blowing around in the wind anyway, so what the hell did it matter if Johnny knew any of this? It felt almost like a release button much like with Rosita; except instead of crying like a sad-sack, she was more frustrated and pissed than anything. It was a nice change.

"I think he was the one holding you back." Johnny's words were soft, accent thicker than usual as he spoke them.

If Ash was surprised at that statement, she didn't allow it to show. Mind flitting about to Lance's harsh words over the years; pushing her to the background as if she was just lucky to be there in the presence of his "musical genius". That if they made it anywhere, it was because of his talent and not her own…

It went on for so long that she began to believe it. Yet Buster saw through Lance's act; saw straight through the bullshit to see something she believed even Lance acknowledged and feared…

Ash didn't need him.

All Lance did was control her and control her damn well but she never needed him to succeed. Hell, it appeared even Johnny saw through the facade she was so certain about for all those years.

Damn, did she feel stupid…

"...Yeah. I know." Ash muttered out instead. Not trusting herself to say much more to elaborate but appreciating his words nonetheless. "I'm much better off without him even if none of this worked out in the end - at least if I do make anything of myself-"

"You will." Johnny spoke with more assurance than she felt about anything at this moment. For a split second she met his eyes and knew immediately that perhaps Johnny was right.

"...I'll do it on my own." she finished her thought and Johnny smiled at her.

For a few more moments, silence was allowed to reign. A comfortable, relaxing time. Just the two of them listening to the sounds of nature and soft wind flitting about; calmness and gentle ease of each others presence comforting even if neither would admit it.

"I-I'm glad the cheating asshole is gone but it's still weird being alone. I never lived alone before and it's just an adjustment."Ash brought it back to the whole thing that started this conversation. She hated to admit she felt lonely in that empty apartment. Even if Lance was a cheater and deserved no sympathy or redemption, Ash admitted she'd gotten used to at least having someone there when she went home. Not just white walls and humming electricity and the droning of the television to fill the deafening silence.

"...Yeah…It is." Johnny agreed with a shrug, "You're just used to being greeted going home - now it's just quiet."

"Not in the good way either."

"Heh. Yeah."

There was a shift in that moment.

A familiarity neither had felt in quite some time. Almost a comfort to have someone to talk to. So much so, Ash allowed herself to sit next to him again; realizing the hug was most likely a one time thing and she didn't plan a repeat performance.

Ash sat there - not necessarily thinking about anything right now. Just allotting the sounds and scenes of nature to overtake her senses - to breathe in the cool air and warm sun still glistening down on her fur. She had to admit - Eddie and Buster had quite the view up here. Much better than crowded streets and cars honking all hours of the day and night; there was no peace out her window - but here…

"Well…shall we?" Johnny suddenly asked whilst standing to his feet, "I think my bum fell asleep."

"Heh. Mine too." she chuckled and froze when Johnny suddenly offered his hand.

Ash just stared up for him for a moment - the weight in her chest feeling lighter even if the circumstances didn't change one bit. Whataya know? Talking about it had helped and she felt…closer to this guy somehow. If she liked that feeling or not - she couldn't tell you.

With slight hesitation, Ash took his hand.

[youngkofigyamfi]

SOUL MATE

Written By: Matthew Boakye Yiadom

  @youngKOFIgyamfi

  Copyright © 2014 by youngKOFIgyamfi INC.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the express written permission of the copyright holder, except where permitted by law.

Edited by Hannah Kumah Cover design by Matthew Boakye Yiadom matthewboakye@gmail.com Art Director, Benjamin Sackey Logo Design by Benjamin Sackey benyblaze2008@gmail.com Interial Art and Layout by Alexander Osman Mensah Map Design by Mishael Brookman Dadzie and Emmanuel Owusu

This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. This book was printed in Ghana.

                                                                                                                                                                                   DEDICATION

                                    To my future wife. You know yourself.

                                            ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I thank God Almighty for this wisdom and knowledge He has given me. I am grateful to Priscilla Aniwaa for being such a good friend. And to my Best friends, Theophilus Adu Gyamfi, Emmanuel Amponsah, Osei Akoto Agyemang Boateng, Atiamo Gilbert, Faith Nordjo and Mrs Juliet Aduamoah for your love and support in everything I do.

My profound gratitude to my brothers Achaw Brempong and Akwasi Agyemang for always having my back.

A debt of gratitude to everyone at youngKOFIgyamfi INC. especially Samuel Nii Adjetey-fio and Hannah Kumah for their belief in this project.

                                                   CHAPTER 1

There she came, looking very simple and fair. She was wearing a white tank top and a blue jeans with black leader sandals and she crossed the street heading to my direction. I was standing under a mango tree on a breezy and sunny Saturday afternoon where the roads in Kumasi were busy as usual with travelers on journey for funerals, some to weddings and others to church.

At North Suntreso where I lived, there was one busy street that linked to Bantama high street, and I could see drivers on the street honking infuriatingly for keeping long in traffic and the sound of passers-by murmuring as she walked in a sashay toward the mango tree. I knew that was her usual route to her house and I could meet her during that time so I did patiently waited for her. I also thought it wise not to make a faux pas to the passers-by so I calmed myself down when I realized she was drawing nearer.

It was the first time in 7 years that I had literally seen her face that close even though we were in the same neighbourhood. She had aged gracefully, looking so delectable and had a nice physiognomy although I could still recognise her cheekbone and tiny lips.

I could hardly say anything to her when she came close in about an inch to where I stood. Then I realized I had something in mind to tell her and this was the only time I could do that. I turned back when she went passed the mango tree and called her name, Roxy. She stopped and turned towards me. What excited me was that beautiful grin I saw on her face and I also gave her a wan and ashy smile. That moment, I began to shake inwardly and it reflected in my words: when I asked her how she was, my lips quivered. She replied she was fine and asked about my parents and me.

Then I gathered the courage to tell her the reason why I stopped her.

“I’ve waited for so long to tell you this because something has been holding me back for a long time. But I cannot go on like this forever, I have to let it out. I want to beg for your forgiveness. I am sorry for what I did to you seven years ago. I really regret it. I didn’t know what came over me that day. I hope that you will find a place in your heart to forgive me and perhaps we can become friends again.”

I was so relieved I had let this off my chest. It had haunted me for the past seven years. As I waited for her response she started to giggle like a little girl and said,

“I hold no grudges against you Kofi, I forgave you a long time ago. I also didn’t know how to say this to you so I’m glad you’ve done this.” Then she said something that I was waiting to hear, “let’s be friends again.”

She stretched her hand to shake mine and I gave her a hand in agreement. She smiled again and walked off to her house.

I will never forget that day. It was the happiest day in my life. I was so relieved and happy that she had forgiven me and that we were friends again. I ran to my friend, Akoto, who was sitting nearby watching us closely to know what was going on.

“Did she accept your apology? I saw her shaking you” he asked,

“Yes she did!” I replied with a big grin, gave him a hug and said

“Thank you for letting me do this.”

Later that day I couldn’t sleep. She was on my mind the whole night, and I pictured her smiles, her light skin, her soothing voice and that white top she wore. Then a sudden feeling burst out as I thought,

“I think I am falling for her. No that cannot be Kofi! You cannot fall for her just so quickly, at least wait for some months to be sure of yourself.”

But the thought of her lulled me to sleep. The next morning I woke up with the same thought and feeling, and I’d boff anytime I thought of her. I went to my window on the east of my room, which was where I could see the compound of Roxy’s house, to check out if she’s already awake. There she was, sweeping their varander, and dusting chairs.

“So what next Kofi?” I asked myself. I had no idea what to say to her the next time we meet. I didn’t know how this was going to continue and whether I was supposed to go to her house or she to mine, or whether we meet somewhere. I didn’t like outing either. I’m most of the time indoors with a quotidian way of ‘happying’ myself: eat, play FIFA, read my Shakespearean books and go to bed. I had few friends but they seldom visited me during vacation because most of them would travel to spend holidays with their uncles and aunties.  

A week past and we still hadn’t met. Then I decided to go to her house but that wasn’t going to be easy. It had been a while since I went there. I needed a cover story; something that could make me go there without anybody raising eyebrows. I had to use her younger sister as my cover. We have been good friends since my fight with Roxy and even though she had begged me to forget anything her sister had done to me and be friends with her, I couldn’t just let that be.

Afterall she was the reason why Roxy and I were at loggerheads but she had no idea. She was a kid then. Now she’s 14 and I enjoy her tomfoolery anytime I am with her. She’s a great person to be with; very jovial, headstrong, and smart. I liked the way we gelled together and I always had my way with our arguments.  

I quickly looked through my bookshelf for a nice story book. She liked to read a lot, maybe that’s why we were still very close. She didn’t like Shakespearean books because of his sphinx-like penmanship, and that was the paradox between us. His stories, to her, were difficult to understand especially with the use of Elizabethan language in his works.

But what did she expect anyway? She was only 14. I had to find a nice African drama for her. While browsing through the shelf my eyes caught Ama Attaa Aidoo’s Anowa. Great, she’d love this.

I picked it and put it in my bag together with my Macbeth and a chocolate that I had wrapped as a thanksgiving gift for Roxy. I told my parents that I was going to the Asamoah’s to have a read with Rhoda.

“It’s good to hear that. My friend said it’s been ages since you went to their house. You are always indoors which worries me. Time to go get some fresh air.”

So I reached their gate, pressed the door bell, and heard someone running to open the gate. There came Roxy in her beautiful blue stripes. She looked very beautiful in it. I had assumed she had just finished bathing because I could smell her fresh soap and perfume, and her hair was shining as well as her skin. She seemed elated to have seen me and smiled at me,

“Hi Kofi, how’re you doing?” I could not utter a word. All that came from my mouth were few delirious mutterings.

“I…Is Rhoda around? Oh I’m sorry, I am fine. What about you?”

“I am doing well…come on in” she replied.

As I stepped into the compound we heard her mother call from inside their living room.

“Who was at the gate Roxy?!” she inquired,

“Its Kofi, he’s come to visit Rhoda.” replied Roxy, then I quickly said to her in a soft voice, “Actually I came to visit you”. We chuckled and went to the living room. Mrs Asamoah was glad to see me in the house once again. She liked how her nieces and I were so close. We used to do virtually everything together.

She told me to make myself comfortable and feel at home and asked Roxy and Rhoda to prepare the table for lunch while I also busied myself playing with Mrs Asamoah’s baby boy in the couch. Rhoda was as well delighted to see me visit them and kept on talking to me about a story she had read in the past week; George Orwell’s Animal Farm. I told her that I had read the story before and was singing the song in the story to little Osei.

Soon the table was set and Mrs Asamoah invited me to the dining table and asked me to sit beside Roxy (she still believed that we were still at loggerheads). Mrs Asamoah said grace before we began to eat. Then she continued to ask me many questions about boys’ school and how I was faring academically.

“It must be very hard for you in your first year in school. I’d heard the seniors liked to bully” Roxy chipped into the conversation. I give her quick glance over my shoulder and replied that it wasn’t easy at all. At one time, I ran away from school and told my parents that I no longer wanted to be in the boarding house. I wanted to become a day student. They didn’t buy the idea, thought I was too soft and had to be hardened in order to face the complex world someday. I guess it helped me in a way, as Albert Einstein puts it, “Life is a stubbornly persistent elusion.”

When we had reclined from the dining table, I went with Rhoda and Roxy to their room. I opened my bag and gave the book, Anowa, to Rhoda and told her snippet of the story. She seemed to be liking it already. She thanked me and excused herself to the living room to read. Then it was left with only the two of us in their room. Mrs Asamoah came in to tell Rhoda that she was going with Osei to a friend’s funeral and won’t be back until evening.

Now I was sitting on a chair opposite beautiful Roxy who sat on her bed stirring at me.

[rueur]

Morning Pages #13 (17.01.2017)

Tuesday 17th Jan - 9:35 a.m.

I think the two assholes who forced themselves on me on Friday night might’ve had some sort of throat infection or something because I haven’t been feeling too well the past couple of days: sore throat, feverish, a little dizzy at times. I called Malith in a bit of a panic last night and his very sound advice was to just schedule a doctor’s appointment the next time I’m in South Morang, which will be on Wednesday. So I scheduled an appointment at 5:40 p.m., so I’ll have about a half hour to get there after drama. I might need to bring some food to tide me over while I wait, because the rehearsals are getting very intense now. There’s a lot to do and we don’t have too much time to do it and Paul is always calling in sick! He was sick today and he was there for two minutes on Friday, literally two minutes! He popped his head in, made a sarcastic comment or something along those lines, and then left like the immensely unhelpful person and uncollaborative person I feel that he is.

Because he wasn’t there, he also didn’t get to meet Martin, who it was so wonderful to see again after these past two years or so away. He’s nearing the end of his masters degree in fine arts, and he’s been doing a lot of work with his university in Oslo. Martin and I spoke for a while about what I was doing and about what we were reading right now, what I’ve been writing lately. I told him about the morning pages and he thought that was a fantastic idea, and told me to keep it up. Malith aired his grievances with the morning pages to me later that night when I called him. Turns out he’s been giving it a shot too, for a couple of days now, and he fails to see why he needs to write three pages exactly, and why they need to be in the morning. Why he can’t just write them at any time. I told him that at the end of the day, you’re your own person and you know yourself and what you need to gain from any exercise, any task that you set yourself, so play around with the rules of these pages if you want. For me though, I think three pages in the morning seems like a good set-up. My greatest issue when it comes to writing is that my ‘mood’ for being creative has become so elusive itself lately. I can feel the urge to truly write only when my physical setting is appropriate: if I’m in a quiet space all alone, with some small form of white noise and a beautiful view. I mean, how often do you come across such ideal circumstances?

Speaking of ideal circumstances, Emily just messaged me and asked if I could stay a little longer, actually four days longer. She said she won’t be back till the 27th or the 28th of January. I said I didn’t mind at all, except that the 27th and the 28th will be the show nights for First Impressions so I need to know exactly when she’ll be back so that I can move my things out at a time where I’m less busy but not before I find myself living in a place with no clothes. I also have two concerns I haven’t told her about: I’m running out of kitty litter and I’m running out of Bruno’s wet food. The wet food isn’t too much of a concern, because I know I can just feed him sardines. I’ve fed him a little before, but never for five or so days in a row. The kitty litter is the bigger issue, though. I don’t have too much money, not enough to spend on more bags of kitty litter. Hopefully she might pay me a little extra for staying the extra four days, and that might aid in my having to buy more kitty litter.

I have too much going on in my exhausted, feverish head right now to be excited for the day. It’s going to be around 35 degrees today, and Jacob had invited Ikaros and I to go to St Kilda beach with him and some of his new friends. Ikaros doesn’t want to go because he got sunburnt when we were frisbeeing (on his feet and on his scalp). But I’m feeling sick and I think some seawater and some sun might prove to be really therapeutic for me, even if I don’t end up going to St Kilda at all and just spend my time on my own at Sandringham. Lucas knows I’ll be at the beach tomorrow, he messaged me yesterday. He’s been messaging me off and on for a while now, since we met and then since we met up. I invited him out if he was free today, because he said he felt like going swimming. I don’t know if he’ll come, but it would be cool if he does. It would be cool if I came, honestly, because I don’t know what’s happening with the St Kilda plans yet. I don’t care actually, if I don’t see anybody today. I just want to see the ocean. I see the ocean and I think of home, I think of my parents, who I miss quite a bit right now even though I know that they’re coming home tomorrow night, and I will be seeing them on Thursday morning.

I keep getting distracted by quizzes on Facebook, I’m sorry. I’m doing one right now: ‘Who is your ‘80s movie boyfriend?’. I did one a while ago that was ‘What animal are you?’ and I got beaver, because I’m hard-working and social and dedicated or something like that. Let’s see what the results of this next one will be. Also, Ikaros just sent me a selfie and let me know he’s on his way to the gym. I GOT LLOYD DOBLER. That was what I was hoping for. I remember this one time when I was talking to Malith on MSN, he sent me the movie poster for ‘Say Anything’ and I was so confused. I ended up watching the movie just to see why he sent it to me, and ended up thinking it was Malith’s way of saying he liked me or something. Turns out there was just a lull in the conversation and he was literally asking me to ‘say’ virtually ‘anything’ to get us moving again. I was a cluelessly romantic child. Not hopeless, really, just immensely clueless. I remember having a bead with the letter ‘A’ on it, and a bead with my first initial, ‘R’, on it, and was convinced for years that my letter ‘A’ bead was divine proof that the guy I end up marrying will have a name starting with the letter ‘A’. In Year 6, I had a crush on a guy whose named started with ‘A’, and he had a crush on me too, and I was convinced I had just found my soulmate. He wrote his phone number on my school shirt after primary school graduation, and I called him some time during the summer holidays before high school started. His mother answered the phone and then I assume she set it down somewhere because she didn’t want her son talking to some girl, or maybe she told him who was calling and he didn’t want to answer the call. Either way, I waited on the line for two or so minutes before hanging up on the silence at the other end. This is an immensely personal and humiliating memory, and I am legitimately just writing it down here so I can fill up these pages. I feel restless right now. I want a shower. I want some food. I want to not have a sore throat, I am very much over this sore throat. I am very much over feeling sick all together.

I’ve only just come to the third page of these morning pages, and am excited to watch it fill up. I feel like every time I find myself feeling nervous about something this year, I should return to the mantra I used on Friday night before I went to Laundry: I am a pioneer for oppressed Asian-Australian women. It makes me feel bold and innovative, even though I’m really not, not yet at least. I need to live to be able to become the person I know I can be: somebody who uses their creative voice to express hidden and complex emotions, emotions newly inspired by globalisation, international thinking, the increasing phenomenon of melting pot states and multicultural societies. Australia is full of bigots; they’re less hardcore, it seems, than the ones in the United States, but there are still a surprising amount of people here who frown upon migrants and first-generation Australians, Indigenous Australians, Muslims and people who follow other faiths (not Christians). From my time out on Friday night, I feel like it’s also clear that there are people here who don’t entirely respect women. I was trying to express how terrified I was about what happened to me on Friday night to Ikaros and he didn’t act like it was that big of a deal. Malith, on the other hand, was very apologetic. He said it sucked that that happened to me and that it sucks to an infinite degree that that happens at all. He also said we should go out and do something this Friday too. I’m keen to go to the Laundry Bar again, just because he didn’t get to see it last week. He’s keen to turn it into a catch-up type thing, invite Matt and Maddie and Toni and Sam and turn it into a dinner/dancing night. The issue is that nobody’s spoken to Matt and Maddie in ages, just because everyone’s been really busy, and Toni is legitimately always working, and Sam is working around three-quarters of the time too. That, and I don’t think any of these people would be down for dancing all night, even if they could make it. If this happened at all, it would most likely be dinner, and then everyone goes home except maybe Malith and I, if Malith was feeling in a boisterous enough mood. I told him last night that I needed more boisterous friends and he was insulted, like I was calling him not boisterous. I said, sure you’re boisterous but you’re also lazy. Hopefully if I keep that up, he’ll be enraged enough to actually come out.

I need a release, that’s for sure. I’m sick of Ikaros deciding too little too late on every occasion to care about me, to act like an actual boyfriend. The second we’re happy again after a falling out, the second we’re on the page and I am once more very honest with him about how he makes me feel, he turns around and does the exact same stuff that made me sad the last time: he acts distant, and like I’m a bother, and like he doesn’t want to see me at all. I end up crying, and then he has a problem with that too. If this happens again, if we keep having weird pseudo-fights about whether or not I’m ‘obsessed’ with him, I don’t see us working out. Sometimes it feels like he edges me on to break up with him, like the only way I can prove I’m not more in love with him than he is with me is to break up with him and just meet other boys. Other boys would probably treat me a lot better, I’ll tell you that.