#I’m sorry for the self-reflection

[tender-emotional-music]

Netflix needs to stop promoting ST as a teen show for season 5

[pizzaqueen]

Oh and I started writing the ace!Eddie fic I mentioned the other week. I have the first part drafted and it could stand on its own but it would be very bittersweet and that’s not entirely my jam, so I’ve planned a second part and need at least a third.

I’m just trying to reconcile how I usually write Steve with the Steve I want in this fic (sexual compatibility is very important to me so he’s not how I usually see Steve for that to work) and I’m not 100% I can make it feel right to me but fingers crossed!

[howlerbat]

yes really ya daft cunt

[tennessoui]

Based on your recent response, do you have aphantasia? (Brains are cool)

(emerging from a quick Google search that informs me aphantasia is not the long lost last tsarina of the Russian empire but is actually a characteristic where your brain doesn’t form or use mental images as part of your thinking or imagination)

idk I haven’t thought much of it! I wouldn’t say no though - I have a really hard time painting or drawing without having a reference image to copy off of because I don’t know exactly what something looks like in my memory and I’m not great at forming my own pictures in my mind 🤔 I do just also have a pretty bad memory these days though

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

Where the Heart and Mind Collide

Chew on the bed of my nails ‘til they bleed

That’s the comfort I bring myself

When I’m lost in my head in the dark

When I’m lost in the place I shouldn’t be

Because I know I should know better by now

I hate the intrusive thoughts that plague me

But they devour the light within me

Smothering and extinguishing Phoenix pyres

In spite of the cherished words spoken

By that sugary Georgian accent moments ago

A mess, and I know that this is true

I don’t discredit your words or doubt your love

But my thoughts don’t allow me comfort or solace

And all because I’m of a different mindset—

An opposite alignment yet my heart is still yours

Raised Monog

But fallen for Poly

The complexities are vast

A tangled torturous web

Unsure how to navigate

All the swirling Empty—

All the confusing fear

Yet refusing to back down

Or abandon Her future embrace

As I am now firmly planted in Arizona soils

Kyle Stewart

8/12/24

[chilapis]

save me man with the personality of a loyal hound. man with the personality of a loyal hound save me

[emmebearpaw]

I’m sorry everyone I just feel like complaining tonight and unfortunately tumblr is my chief place to do that. Please ignore lmao

If you ever think I’m using strange language in my complaints it’s because I am. I frequently don’t allow myself to use terms that would probably describe myself because I don’t feel I deserve to use them because I’m not in enough discomfort to get to use them. Like, I don’t stim, stimming is for other people. I just do things that most people would associate with stimming. I don’t get to use the term because I’m too good at talking with other people and am good in school/work, so I don’t get to qualify as someone who gets to use the word stim. I don’t have dysphoria, I just have periodic discomfort regarding parts of my body or nature, with the wish they were different in nature, but not enough or often enough to do much about it. Because i am not uncomfortable enough I don’t get a word for it.

[inotanzen]

totally random but there’s a certain poeticism to the fact my alt-right mother decided to text me “i miss you” out of the blue during pride month of all times, thus finally pushing me to respond back for the first time in over two years after going no-contact with her and demand she actually consider why i would choose to do the things i’ve done (including but not limited to wondering how she can miss me if she doesn’t know me and asking if she’s accepted i’m bi and non-binary or even understand what those terms actually mean) while setting the boundary that i wouldn’t respond until i felt she had adequately considered everything i brought to her attention, just to have her almost immediately text back a novel-length fit of rage about “how can i or anyone else know you when you don’t even know yourself” with an added “everyone needs an identity my beautiful baby gir… child” at the end (god the DRAMATICS) and making me officially say goodbye to her for good. fun fact: i am 26 and by now have identified as bi and non-binary for at least a decade, but she still seems to be dead set on believing i’m “just confused”. like imagine pushing your child away because you refuse to believe they could have thoughts and beliefs of their own? she literally just thinks i’ve been brainwashed by the left, how do you even fight that? you can’t. sometimes you just have to let go.

[trans-bread-of-life]

Tonight I drove by my ex’s old apartment and saw the spot where we first kissed. And it felt a lot like the trips I’ve taken down the memory lane away from Evangelicalism. Breaking up with a version of the body of Christ that loves power more than she’ll ever love me and being broken up with by the girl I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with feel surprisingly similar in my (literal and metaphorical) rear view mirror.

I don’t know whether this means that religion is romantic or whether this means that romance is religious. Maybe it’s both?

Evangelicalism was the kind of lover that catches you up in her whirlwind. In the dance of dating her, she pushes you away and then just as you start to wonder whether she really loves you, she pulls you back in with sweet words. And somehow it leaves you questioning—not whether she wants you, but whether you love her enough.

My relationship with my ex was the kind of religious experience that starts out in ecstasy. Prayers whispered late at night, hands laced together, a purpose to rely on. But the more I confirmed to Christ instead of conforming to her idealized likeliness, the more she grew cold and eventually she shunned me.

The two are the same in that I cannot belong to either because of the man that I am. Evangelicalism still doesn’t believe that I am who I say I am, and it would take me back if I shoved myself back into its neat little box. My ex finally saw who I am, and the moment she did, she left.

I don’t think it’s just the sense of betrayal and the fact that I lost both because I am a man that links the two experiences. They’re two of my only true experiences of belonging. In both I found and lost a family. Both showed me I had value, and somehow by the Grace of God and the skin of my teeth, I’ve been able to carry most of that value forward without them. I pledged my virginity to both (though one actually kept it). Both were places where I experienced profound safety that I don’t know how to find on my own. In the arms of each, I’d managed to quell all my doubts. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to lay down my doubts for anything or anyone the same way again.

I want to open my heart wider again to faith, but I think I need her liturgies to hold me like a mother. I’m not ready to find another love of my life—be she a bride of Christ or a woman. I’m not ready to shout my affection from the rooftops. I’m only ready to fall asleep in someone’s arms.

[arom-com]

Relapsed <- thinking about The Glory (Netflix) again

[hazardouslesbian]

being in my last semester of grad school is just like reflect on the work you did, now reflect on that reflection, now use theory to justify your reflection, now reflect on how it felt to use theory to justify your reflection, now reflect on your reflection of your reflection (don’t forget to incorporate theory !!!), now tell us your self care plan for the month 🫶, now reflect on how that self care went, and let me tell you it is making me fully crazy !!!!!!!!!!!!

[squuote]

I think another thing that particularly grasps my attention with the stanley parable is that despite it being mostly replayable endings, there’s always something new I can find replaying them. A new dialogue I didn’t get before or maybe something I noticed that I didn’t notice was there before. It’s like, the game itself is really meant to be replayed because the game wants you to focus on the small things. It’s just very nice? As someone who kinda lives off the small things it’s nice to have a game that kinda replicates that joy of finding just some small easter egg or extra dialogue if you stay just a bit longer in a certain area or managing to find some secret third thing tucked into the corners of the game. It’s nice to have a game that encourages the player to slow down a bit and take a moment to mess around and find those small things yknow?

[backhurtyy]

would steve love obi wan kenobi

kind hearted man with a warm smile who looks out for kids and takes them under his wing and makes sure they have all the tools they need to succeed and be happy and healthy and safe??? oh yeah. he’d LOVE him.

[drowning-in-the-nothing]

here we go again

I’m just so sick of this shit

Sick of the constant drama

Goddamn negative energy

Pessimism and fucking attitude

It never fucking ends

The good days are fewer and fewer

Nothing but incessant wars with you

So here we go yet again…

Another night of sitting in silence

All over YOU refusing to tell me

What YOU want for dinner

I don’t fucking get you anymore…

Maybe we’re drifting apart

More than I thought we were

And you don’t seem to care

Or take notice to any of this

Maybe it’s time we threw in the towel

Maybe it’s time we called it quits

We gave it our all

Or at least I know I tried to

But it’s obvious that wasn’t enough

Kyle Stewart

6/6/23

[catnpc]

im curious what it was that made u change ur mind on dan btw? it seems like u used to be a fan. ive never been in that circle so i know nothing but im wondering what bullshit he pulled for u to go "actually 🤨" . rightfully so anyway hes deeply deeply annoying AT BEST

not only was i a fan i literally had multiple items of clothing that dan howell wore specifically because he wore them. what i could afford as a 16/17 year old anyway. i also went to his and phil’s first tour and met them both. dan howell specifically influenced so many parts of my adolescent personality—and probably still does in some ways 😓—that it’s hard to describe.

mostly i just kinda grew out of them when i went to college, and as a young gay boy i kind of figured they were gay and felt personally let down that they were so willing to play it up for views yet not commit to it ever. there was just a lot of disappointment + growing up that led me to lose interest, and at that time i didn’t have the strong hate and resentment i do now.

in terms of when that particular feeling began, i’d say it was around the time that dan came back from not posting or doing much of anything for 2 years with a coming out video, self-help book, collaboration with youtube themselves, and then a hour-or-so long pity documentary wherein he described how youtube had fucked him, a millionaire, over so much.

i think i was just old enough to recognize the entitlement, narcissism, and deeply warped grotesque view of the world dan howell engaged and encouraged. like, he wrote a self-help book after disappearing for 2 years because of depression. he is so shallowly political, steadfastly unaware of his privileged position in the world, and unbothered by manipulation that seeing or hearing about him makes me feel unsettled in a deeply sad, sick way.

he’s a guy who started dating a 23 year old at 18 and got famous too soon. hes addicted to the attention. and he won’t FUCKING stop using the q slur. basically i realized all of this when he returned to the internet and couldn’t fucking stomach him anymore, and that was that

[b-writing-777]

Poppy, alone.

I stare at my reflection.

Why does she look like that?

I wonder when I lost myself.

“I think it’s fine to sleep,”

Poppy speaks.

Without a response,

Without a hope for more.

Without anyone.

“Goodnight mum.”