#I’m tired of being perceived as failures even if overall I’m a doing pretty okay maybe even good person like

[nullians]

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[soovaryit]

First off I don’t want this to come across as if I’m trivialising depression in any way. It is serious, as serious as any other physical or mental illness and can absolutely result in death and you should take it seriously. I write light heartedly about serious things because that’s my way of dealing with life but I’m not disregarding or commenting on anyone else's experiences but mine. OKAY srs stuff over (kind of). A lot of what is written or spoken about depression feels cliche, simplistic and ultimately unhelpful. In medical terms it is black and white (we’ve all filled in the forms) - in the past two weeks, how often have you felt like a failure? In the last two weeks, how often have you felt that you have let yourself or a family member down? I could literally recite the whole paper here. At the other end of the spectrum, usually in the media and in the arts, it’s poetic, or dramatic, or suicidal, or puts you a catatonic trance for months on end (which is true for some people and that's important to know). Both the practical and emotional aspects of it are important to recognise but I can’t help but think that depression is just something that needs be normalised for it not to get worse. Here’s my dramatic description of it. Depression is a parasite that buries itself deep, deep under your skin and is awoken at the most unexpected and inconvenient times. It manifests itself in new and ugly ways - making you forget your sense of self, turn against people who love you, preventing you from enjoying anything, causing you to nurture addictions to unhealthy habits and people, It’s always there, but it is only a part of you and does not define you, despite the fact that it is often SO hard to separate from you. I have mild/moderate depression that I never took medication for until September of last year when I had an episode that lasted around 5 months. I never even knew what an episode was but mine consisted of crying almost every day, thinking constant negative thoughts about myself and my life, shutting out people around me, drinking to excess, getting involved with problematic people, being incapable of looking to the future and of seeing any positivity in any situation. Overall - hopeless, tired, not worthy of happiness. The reason I didn’t medicate was because 1) I never wanted to admit that I felt depressed and 2) People don’t talk about their experiences on anti depressants very openly, and although I knew a few people who took them I didn’t necessarily feel comfortable asking them about it as I was cautious. I would say around 80% of my depression is from chronic pain. I know this because before endometriosis symptoms took over my life, I had very occasional episodes where I felt unhappy rather than it being the norm which I had to fight against everyday. I am a functioning depressive, I am one of those people that hears ‘omg but you don’t SEEM depressed’ in a situation where I reveal that I take medication for it.  First of all - never, ever say that to anyone with a mental health problem because it is extremely invalidating. Second of all, the reason I don’t seem depressed when I feel it is because I spent such a long time trying to bury negative feelings in the back of my mind that I am incredibly convincing at faking happiness and positivity. In my particular case, I don’t mind that, because often it gives me a lift or at least allows me to coast along until I feel relatively normal again. This is because my depression is mild, for some it can completely disable them and I would never recommend faking positivity that you don’t feel unless you get some kind of positive outcome from it (which I generally do). Don’t do it to make others comfortable if it makes you feel less comfortable. On that note though, even when I have felt in the depths of despair I think its important to try and communicate to those around you that they can’t expect anything from you because you are unwell. The way people to react to that is usually how you find out which people are the right ones to invest your time and energy in. I watched some Ted Talks on the topic of depression yesterday and something said in this one really struck me. Andrew Solomon talks about depression being perceived as a veil to outsiders - something that clouds your judgement, a layer of sadness over your true self. But from the inside, depression feels like you’ve finally found the (harsh) truth. People underestimate how real the thoughts feel, how sadness can become a state of being and not feel like something that will pass, but who you really are at your very core. For me anyway, that is what I fight against. A few weeks ago I increased my sertraline dosage and I don’t feel any better. Because I’m in a bit of a low right now, I tell myself its my fault. I’m grumpy, ungrateful, pessimistic, lazy, spoilt, a drama queen. I am lucky because I have now, to some extent, trained my brain to recognise that this is not the truth. I’m frustrated, irritated and upset by these thoughts, but I know that I am a person who is loved, full of confidence and motivation and that the feeling of wholeness will come back to me at some point. I know that it is not my fault when I’m not at my best, I just have to convince myself often.   I worry these days that I am more comfortable in being sad than happy. I am more equipped to deal with bad than accept good. But although it can feel like it, depression is not a permanent state of being for anyone. There is no way I could speak for others about this but the one thing that is true of anyone suffering is that it will get better because it has before. Even if just for a while, it will. That kind of sentence used to enrage me. But now I repeat it to myself in my head, I look at photos from good times with friends and family and think of all the things I’ve done that have been productive and kind and brilliant and I try and try and try to recognise that and not let the feelings of unworthiness swallow me whole.  It’s a difficult conversation to have with anyone. GP’s can be unhelpful and unfortunately so can friends and people you trust because of the stigma attached to mental illness. I even know people who hypothetically can sympathise with it, speak openly about how difficult it must be for people to experience it - but when it comes to you, they have nothing to say and don’t want to get involved. Because it is easy to understand in theory but not in practice.  My best friend Alicia is one of the people in my life who consistently amazes me with her positivity and resilience in the health battles that she’s faced and how she turns her discomfort into beautiful, powerful and thought provoking art that will help heal others. Although comparing yourself to other people is completely misguided, she has gone through 10 times what I have and is my beacon of hope and strength when I fall apart. Doctors constantly misdiagnosed her, put her on medications that only made things worse, treatments that failed and the way she continues to open herself up to people about her experiences astounds me.  On the topic of medication, it is also a subject with a lot of stigma attached to it when there shouldn’t be. I absolutely should have been on medication a long time ago and I wish I hadn’t kept my curiosity and anxiety about it to myself. Specifically in the context of chronic pain: constant pain makes you depressed. It is pretty much a fact. You will feel misunderstood and angry and pathetic and beaten down by things that others don’t consider a problem. It is a different way of living, one that requires you to constantly adapt to new drugs, new ways to retrain your thoughts, new and different pain all the time. Being in pain since I was 6 years old has made me carry a lot of negativity that I used to be very self conscious of (and guilty about). But now I recognise that it doesn’t make me lesser than anyone and that there is a lot of power that will come from sadness and the worst part of the battle is simply not knowing when it will come. (This is a super good Ted Talk on chronic pain btw - gives me hope! and also an astoundingly beautiful song on coping with shittiness, if you don’t know Amanda Palmer you gotta get to know and I’m V happy to share my excellent depressed playlist with you).

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 3rd March 2019

This is a surprisingly chill week for after the BRIT Awards (which I commented on in real time on Twitter @cactusinthebank if you want to check that out), but there is some movement related to the ceremony so let’s just get through this.

Top 10

We have a new #1 this week, that’s right, for its first week ever, some lame Lewis Capaldi song I heard once called “Someone You Loved” is up two spots to the top spot on the UK Top 40... you can tell the charts are pretty dry right now but honestly I can’t complain that much, it’s less work for me every week. This is obviously Capaldi’s first #1, as he’s a new artist.

“Giant” by Calvin Harris and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man is also up two spots to number-two, thanks to a BRITs performance with Sam Smith and Dua Lipa.

This means that Ariana Grande had a few fallers this week, “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” being first, down a spot to number-three.

I’m surprised “7 rings”, also by Ariana Grande, is only down three spots to number-four.

“Don’t Call Me Up” by Mabel is still steady at number-five.

Sam Smith and Normani’s “Dancing with a Stranger” is also staying still at number-six.

“Options” by NSG featuring Tion Wayne is up two positions to number-seven. That’s cool, it’s a good song, I guess.

“Walk Me Home” by P!nk is our sole new arrival in the top 10, debuting at number-eight this week after its live premiere at the BRITs with Dan from Bastille (Because, sure, why not?) and becoming P!nk’s 43rd Top 40 hit and 21st Top 10 hit. Those numbers are crazy, and she definitely deserves to have won the Outstanding Contribution to British Music Award as well as a place on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, even if for personality alone. We’ll talk more about the song later.

Oh, and “bury a friend” by Billie Eilish down a space to number-nine.

Finally, thanks to the album and BRITs win, “Just You and I” by Tom Walker is up nine spaces to #10. Blech.

Climbers

Thanks to the massive hype behind Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper due to the Oscars performance, the current US #1 has also increased greatly, up 10 spaces to #11 this week and potentially gaining more next week and re-entering the Top 10. Otherwise, “Talk” by Khalid with Disclosure is up seven spaces to #13, “Thotiana” by Blueface rides the meme and remix wave up eight spots to #15 (His first top 20), “i’m so tired...” by LAUV and Troye Sivan has a five-space increase to #17, entering the top 20, becoming LAUV’s first and Troye Sivan’s second top 20 hit in the UK. Thanks to the video, as I predicted, “MIDDLE CHILD” by J. Cole rebounds seven spaces up to #21, with “Grace” by Lewis Capaldi also up six spots to #24.

Fallers

Thanks to streaming cuts (In the UK, after a certain amount of weeks in the top 20 or so its streaming becomes less important to its chart placement), well, it’s safe to assume it’s due to streaming cuts because these were massive, long-running songs, Post Malone’s “Wow.” is down seven to #14, “Play” by Jax Jones and Years & Years is down seven to #22, as is “Lost Without You” by Freya Ridings to #25. “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” by Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus also suffers from streaming cuts, down 10 to #27, taking that bloody “Baby Shark” song with it down nine to #34. Otherwise, we have “Please Me” by Cardi B and Bruno Mars down eight to #20 despite a video being released very recently, and “Hello My Love” by Westlife is down eight to #32, yet still not quickly enough.

Dropouts

Since the album hype died down, “needy” by Ariana Grande is out from #11, “Swan Song” by Dua Lipa is out from #32 (Didn’t expect it to last that long anyway) and “Gun Lean” by Russ is out from #33 due to streaming cuts (Hip-hop thrives on streaming). Also, “Psych Out!” by AJ Tracey is out from #34, “Happier” by Marshmello and Bastille is out from #34, “365” by Zedd and Katy Perry is out from #37 (Oof), “Without Me” by Halsey is finally out from #37 and “a lot” by 21 Savage featuring uncredited vocals from J. Cole is out from #40 thanks to 21 Savage actually being freed, I guess?

Returning Entries

We have more than usual this week. Let’s start with the BRITs returns. First, due to a Calvin Harris mash-up performance featuring Dua Lipa and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man, “Promises” with Sam Smith is back at #37. I’d say “One Kiss” can’t enter because three Calvin songs are on the chart, but that’s untrue, so I guess that it just didn’t enter the top 40 – it is outside of it but I’m surprised it’s not up here, especially since it won an award. Also thanks to a performance featuring a guest verse from H.E.R., “Thursday” by Jess Glynne is back at #35. Otherwise, thanks to “needy” leaving, Ariana Grande’s “thank u, next” returns to its rightful place on the chart, at #30, where it should have been last week really, but dumb UK chart rules and all that. “High Hopes” by Panic! at the Disco is back at #39, because, I mean, sure, and “Nights Like This” by Kehlani and Ty Dolla $ign is back at #33. I wonder if he gets any of the royalties while he’s serving 15 years in prison for cocaine possession.

FEATURED SINGLE

“Faucet Failure” – Ski Mask the Slump God

Produced by ChaseTheMoney & Cubeatz - Currently charting at #100 on the Hot 100

Before we get to the new arrivals, let’s talk about a fun, goofy trap song from one of my favourite rappers currently in the game, Ski Mask the Slump God, energetic borderline comedy-rapper from Florida who brags with pop culture references constantly littered throughout. You probably know him since he’s gotten pretty big thanks to the release of his album STOKELEY, with this song in particular recently getting a music video directed by Cole Bennett of Lyrical Lemonade fame, hence it counts for this segment. Now, the trap beat is simple and bassy but the synth is almost hypnotising and I like how producer ChaseTheMoney adds what sounds like bongos and tribal percussion at random yet perfect intervals. Ski Mask often changes his flow, with a charismatic performance reflected by both his verses and ad-libs. In the first verse, he talks about how his girl wants to see his “Purple pickle up in the wind” – no comment, with some clever Thanos-related wordplay before that catchy and hilarious chorus, where he not only mentions Ash from the Pokémon anime but how he’s flyer than an ostrich, and he stands by that, I guess. The second verse is just about him buying fast food, but that fast food he’s ordering throughout builds up to a punchline where he asks where his weed his, because he was supposed to be buying “pies” (Drug lingo) instead of actual McDonalds pies. It’s pretty wacky, pretty cool, although it’s a bit short, check it out, and check out some of STOKELEY, especially “Foot Fungus”, “Nuketown” featuring Juice WRLD and “Reborn to Rebel”.

Remember days, me and X hittin’ licks!

God, I can’t seem to be able to escape this dude even in death, huh?

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “Black” – Dave

Produced by Fraser T. Smith

This barely charted but I’m so glad it did. This is the lead single from his upcoming album Psychodrama, and in stark contrast to “Funky Friday” with Fredo, this song focuses more on societal issues black people have had to face as the name implies. This is his seventh UK Top 40 hit, and probably his best yet. It starts with a crispy piano melody with even some nice static added to make the beat feel vintage and interesting (Yeah, it isn’t an overpolished trap beat this time). As Dave starts spitting, the drums kick in and slowly some violins creep in and make this beat really cinematic and beautiful. In the verses, Dave describes what being black is, which is being mistreated, and is having to go through struggles and going the extra mile for not the same results as white people would celebrate.

It’s workin’ twice as hard as the people you know you’re better than / ‘Cause you need to do double what they do so you can level them

Dave delves into some fantastic storytelling during the first verse, using walking a (Most likely white) elderly woman across the road without any thanks as an example of the belief in the lyric above, which also briefly references being told during his life, especially early life as a child due to the white-washed media and his living conditions in comparison to how he perceived the white children at the time in fancier, wealthier statuses, that he is more disposable than white people and cannot reach the same heights due to his race, to the point where he just accepts it, and that despite everything he’s forced to do to prove himself as a minority, he’s proud of its race and his ancestry. In the second verse, he speaks of accepting defeat and how he constantly feels the need to shout out all his friends unfairly imprisoned in jail in songs because he would feel guilty otherwise. He also discusses cultural appropriation and how he believes everyone wants to have the culture but not the colour as this means they would be considered cool, but not targeted with any of the discrimination. He ends the first verse with saying that being black is a sour flavour, but excellently switches it to sweet at the end of the second because he knows that white people will want the “flavour” but not the reality. The production furthers the intensity of his delivery and overall, this is way too good to be charting, but deserves all your love. Dave is one of the best in UK rap right now and this proves it, his album is coming out next week, check it out.

#31 – “Murder on My Mind” – YNW Melly

Produced by SMKEXCLSV - Currently charting at #14 on the Hot 100

Oh, speaking of people stuck in jail, introducing YNW Melly. Melly, or Melvin as I think his personality he decided to have on this song is, is a rapper who blew up thanks to a relatively okay collaboration with Kanye West, but since that song dropped out of the charts, people care more about this one mostly due to its confessional nature because of how he seemingly admitted on Instagram that he killed two of his very close friends (No reason provided), also from the YNW collective, and has turned himself in, although he just plead not guilty. It’s not about that, it’s about someone else he killed, I’m pretty sure, and honestly the descriptive, storytelling nature of the song is really cool, and it goes into some (Suspiciously) grim details that I appreciate because most rappers don’t care about that and just drift off topic while this is constantly focused, although his delivery could be less grating, and the beat is just really a cheap FL Studio piano melody under an overpowered bass, although the effort at making a pretty interesting bridge with the pitched-up female vocal samples are appreciated. You can tell it’s amateur, mostly because of how the final verse sounds like it just had some Audacity reverb effects added to it and the record label never changed it to make it sound more professional before having it on Spotify. For what it is, it’s okay, but I can’t really get into this. I think I like “Mixed Personalities” better, to be honest.

#8 – “Walk Me Home” – P!nk

Produced by Peter Thomas and Kyle Moorman - Currently charting at #54 on the Hot 100

Okay, now we have the big one, and I don’t care. Listen, Alecia Moore is a fantastic vocalist and one of the best singers in pop now, potentially pop history as I know it, and is one of the most successful women in the industry, with a clear personality and rebellious sense of humour that was unique. As she’s matured, she’s kept the singing and songwriting talent, but she’s just turned too bland for me to be interested anymore. This song is okay, but it doesn’t have any of the charm she used to have, and I know that’s bound to happen with age but that still doesn’t excuse this mediocre effort for me. It’s a guitar-lead track with pointless pitched-down vocal samples, way too percussion-heavy mixing and rhyming “good” with “good”. It’s a really upbeat, inspiring, motivational cheer-up track that will be a powerful “Wake up in the morning and get everything done” anthem for middle-aged mothers across the nation, but for me, I can only respect the underwhelming songwriting, in which she uses “Mm-hmms” as filler for an empty backing track, which is something I never thought P!nk would HAVE to do, just something she’d WANT to do, but she has no other option here, this instrumental is so wishy-washy and boring. It sure is listenable, guys. Let’s conclude.

Conclusion

I’d feel bad giving P!nk the Worst of the Week because it’s not a bad song, and I can see talent in YNW Melly as well, so screw it, it’s not going to the industry legend OR the nobody who became famous and immediately got charged for double murder afterwards. It’s not going to anyone. Best of the Week goes to Dave for “Black”, obviously, and see you next week.