#I’ve definitely made this post before but now that my fixation has come back IM MAKING IT AGAIN

[sukunasbabygirl]

Worst mistake in TLOVM is not giving Percy his slutty boots and holster from the comics and even now I die on this hill

[bookwyrminspiration]

rereading legacy and i keep fixating on the detail that in the dwarven King’s Path when Sophie’s having her hallucinations, as you do, she feels her own ears are pointy. while also hallucinating the Neverseen welcoming her with open arms. and this is during the time she’s looking into her bio parents.

I’ve leaned towards Gethen as her father fairly consistently and already made several posts about him and other potential fathers—including Fintan. but I’ve never though about how the ancient ears during the hallucinations may be another hint, as they’re a great place (and so are dreams) to include foreshadowing because they don’t have to make sense with the rest of the characters knowledge. like Sophie dreaming of Brant burning off her hand a book before his own was burned off

I’ve gone in circles on the topic but I’m coming back to consider Fintan again because of the pointy ear thing there. If it’s him, I assume the situation would be: he was approached as a scorned member of society (his connection to the Neverseen unknown) who Forkle thought would be sympathetic to the changes they’re trying to bring about, Fintan agreed in part because he agrees changes need to be made, and in part because he has a secret hope he could sway/get Sophie to his side via familial relation or something similar. that parentage would be catastrophic (fitting forkle’s comment) on many levels, originally because of the rules against pyrokinetics being matched and having kids (especially as a former councillor who is supposed to be better about the laws), and now for his murderous actions and criminal behavior

anyway. still no closer to definitively deciding whether i think her father is gethen or fintan (and don’t worry, im aware of evidence and reasoning beyond this post, this is about the king’s path detail) I’m just further complicated my theorizing attempts and writing it down to make sense of it

[william-s-churros]

random very personal post i guess

like back in the day or what the fuck ever and even like... recently i was still upset about shit but weird- i dunno. i guess i’m pretty old now lol and im just kind of like. i dont care. i mean, no one really bothers me about anything and im really glad about that and i kind of like being a weird hermit in my little corner of the internet because i absolutely never want to be involved with the shitshow that i went through back in like 2010-2013 or whatever

anyway... time makes it easier to realize how irrational you’re being; grinding, horrible, i-want-to-kill-myself-tier shitty work environments where you sit there ruminating over every single fucking thing that’s ever happened in your life all day every day. you’re like, why did that hurt me so much? why did i get upset about this thing? why do i fixate on this pain? like, no, i was hurt, but does that justify me perpetuating nonsense and rehashing shit and causing problems for people that hurt me in the past? i mean, that isn’t really what i want to do with my life.

the problem with the internet really is that it propels interpersonal drama into a spotlight for all to see and then people pick it apart in kind of a... i don’t know... shameful way. it’s very understandable actually; people get curious about human relationships, their ins and outs, the issues we all face as people. i really don’t think it’s surprising. i think the fixation on it as a form of entertainment is a bit alarming; but it is what it is. 

where am i going with this... i have no idea... this is really very vague. i mean, if you knew me from before then you know i was a mess back in the day; im still a bit of a mess, more of a like, small, smouldering trashfire as opposed to the gigantic fully-ablaze dumpster of a human being i used to be. i mean, that’s kind of what growing up is. i know when you’re like a teenager, 20-24 year olds can seem like adults but holy shit, they are definitely not. they are idiots (source: me) i don’t feel like an adult now and im 27. it’s not like i feel like i’m a kid either-- don’t get me wrong. im not trying to infantilize myself, but a lot more of adulthood is figuring shit out than you might expect, and the concept of an adult that you had as a kid is very different from the reality of being an adult. and i mean, your 20s are just a horrible decade as far as i can tell haha. you’re just going to go through a lot and learn a shitton about yourself and the people around you. i can only hope that when i’m 30 i won’t be such a fool, but we’ll see.

in any case, i don’t want to be the excuse anyone makes to hurt another person, no matter what i have said or complained about publicly in the past. a lot of people have done a lot of things to me that i didn’t like but how many of those things were honest mistakes, i’ll never know. how much of that was just the two of us not jiving as people as opposed to an active desire to be cruel, you know what i mean? how much of it was merely my interpretation of the world that influenced my understanding of the things that were happening to me because of my paranoia and my neurotic tendencies? how much of what i was interpreting was just carelessness or their own paranoid, neurotic tendencies? i know i’ve hurt people, too, and not on purpose. it’s not that i’m trying to shift responsibility from myself, but sometimes it’s a part of being alive and being who you are. people are complicated and shit happens and things you expect to work just don’t. you want to do things but you can’t, sometimes. you are the person you are and that doesn’t gel.

that said if you have ever listened to me about people, please note that i will never be offended or hurt if you went and did independent research, you know what i mean? in fact i want you to do that. if someone hurt me but you have a good relationship with them eventually i’m not going to be like “oh you’re a terrible person.” like, some people are just not compatible and that’s okay. you don’t have to like everyone you meet and no one has to like you. being hurt by a person=/=this person is completely irredeemable forever and ever you know what i mean? i don’t know. i’m probably never going to enjoy being around this person again, but how should i know? maybe they grew up and changed too. maybe we can be chill.

in essence, though, what i’m saying is that most times i have found that my name is invoked not in my best interest or with any particular concern for my well-being but rather to further a goal in humiliating another person or proving they are a bad person. i don’t really want anyone to do that. if anyone does that, they’re being a dick probably. people can hurt you and not be bad people. i don’t know. use your brain, theres times when shit is legit bad and the people who do it are bad and there’s times when it’s not like that but people get hurt anyway. i dunno. call-out culture isn’t like, bad inherently or anything but it’s something that can absolutely used for evil and sometimes im just like... please look into things. believe people but realize that means believing yourself and other people as well.

anyway... my point is mostly-- and this is coming from a person who has been like specifically named a victim in callout post-problematic human-whatever the fuck you call it stuff; please look at the people you are being told are bad as people, with empathy. i mean this sincerely; nothing anyone has done to me has ever warranted the prying and boundary violation that people that have had to endure with my name invoked against them, even if mine was one of many. 

so i guess i was wrong, i know i said i don’t care but i do! i do care that people are being made to feel bad because they maybe hurt my feelings like honestly that’s not much of an excuse for hundreds of people to decide a person is a bad person idk. not to be cheesy but be excellent to each other idk. just... idk. forgive me my trespesses as i forgive those who trespass against me. love and peace and chicken grease and all that jazz. 

[another-mentalhealthblog]

It all started out with a waffle.

Yesterday morning, I woke up relatively early. It was a Saturday, and I woke up before 7am. I believe this was largely because I woke up to the smell of waffles.

My dad made waffles on his waffle iron, something he now does on occasion, but something that he always used to do when I was a kid.

And that’s the thing.

As a kid, after I grew out of eating cereal, I would always eat two waffles with butter, syrup and a glass of apple juice as my breakfast in the morning before going off to school.

As a child, I didn’t think anything of this. I didn’t think about the calories, the carbs, the sugars, the fats... how “healthy” or “unhealthy” it was for me to be eating that at the beginning of every day.

It was just my breakfast, and it tasted delicious. And that’s all that mattered to me.

But somewhere along the way, the relationship that I had with food changed.

It started when I was a sophomore in high school.

I got out of my first, long relationship. Two years. And needed something else to fixate on, I guess. So I turned to my body.

I began to look at myself in the mirror and realize I hadn’t been taking care of myself, and I didn’t like the way I looked. In reality, there was nothing wrong with the way I looked.

But I told myself I had too much fat on my stomach area. And I didn’t like the way my thighs touched.

So I started working out more, eating “cleaner” and “healthier,” and overall... less.

This is when I started to look at food as “good” and “bad,” ... “healthy” and “unhealthy.”

Food went from just being food... to having all of these different labels and categories.

I even had a calendar hung up on my wall where I would circle the date in green if I had a “good” day where I worked out and ate “clean” and “healthy” all day... in yellow if I felt like I slipped up and could’ve done better... or in red if I didn’t work out and didn’t eat within my clean and healthy standards.

All of these things were aimed around one, singular goal, of changing the way my body looked on the outside, so I would feel more confident about myself.

Little did I remember, that there is so much more to being confident than how you look on the outside.

A whopping seven years ago, I also created my first health and fitness blog on Tumblr, called Believe and Achieve. Where I would reblog transformation photos, photos of girls with flat, toned, tanned stomachs, almonds, fruits, vegetables... everything related to weight loss and shrinking yourself smaller.

On February 27, 2013, I wrote a text post, entitled, “Goals.”

My goals were to exercise every day and keep eating healthy meals and snacks. To not let an unmotivated attitude take over me again and make me lose progress. Keep eating healthy and keep exercising. To make money from babysitting to consider paying for a plan to go to the gym more. To go to the gym minimum of twice a week. To not skip more than a day a week and don’t indulge when it’s “really not necessary.”

I said, “It takes three months. By the end of May and the beginning of summer I will be so happy I started now and not then. I have to get there but I have to start now."

I can go on and on and on about the things I used to write on this Tumblr. I used to be so, terribly hard on myself when it came to eating and exercising. Let us just visit two more, shall we?

Another post I wrote was... “A healthy lifestyle sucks somedays, and today is one of them. I hate how i have this huge weight of guilt on my shoulders after eating three moderately poor meals today and not having time to workout this week. I feel like such a failure. i hate feeling so damn bad for eating things that i wouldn’t have considered “unhealthy” this time last year. it’s good that my eyes are opened and I can tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy, but this guilt thing for eating things that I consider unhealthy now and not working out even though I really didn’t have any time is the worst.”

And another post I wrote was... “someone please help. I NEED to know how to not binge :( i literally can’t have sleepovers or go to parties or vacation without over eating crap food and i know that’s not awful to do every once in a while but i feel like this month i’ve been doing it way more than every once in a while, so it’s not “okay” anymore. and all it does is make me feel bad about myself: while im doing it, all night after i do it, and especially the next day, but i keep doing it. and if i binge really bad then i honestly loose my appetite and don’t want to eat the whole next day even though i know my body needs nutrients. i know im wrong, but i feel like all of this binging has wiped away all of my hard work that i started in the spring because honestly my stomach has definitely gotten bigger and i’ve lost sight of the muscle i was building. if anyone took the time to read this please send me an ask with some advice, i need it.”

And one last post: I constantly caught between wanting to eat 100% clean and healthy so that I see more results, and wanting to enjoy life and being a teenager. I know that sounds silly because if I just dedicate myself to eating clean (or at least cleaner than i do now) for a few weeks, I’ll grow into it and it’ll become a habit and i can still “enjoy life” and “be a teenager.” I also know I can make unhealthy choices in moderation here and there too. but I feel like my unhealthy choices (ex, this past week: pizza saturday night, a barbeque dinner and birthday cake sunday night, pizza tuesday night, suki hana yesterday afternoon..) are putting me in a stand still where I exercise enough, but only eat like 50-60% clean.. so its not that im not seeing any results, just enough to satisfy me. because I’m not fully dedicated, because I want to be able to eat what I want and again, enjoy being a teenager. it’s tough.

So I think we understand how poor my relationship with food was seven years ago.

And what has happened since then?

It’s been a roller coaster of ups and downs that would honestly take hours for me to get into.

But I want to fast forward into the present, and talk about my day and night last night, just to show you that change is possible.

So yesterday, I woke up to the smell of waffles. And I will honestly admit that I am still healing my relationship with food, after seven years, because of the internal dialogue that goes on in my head when I smell a food like waffles in the morning.

While this internal dialogue used to be so loud and control the decisions I was making when it came to food, it now a more of a whisper that I can tell to shut the hell up.

It goes a little something like this.

I smell the waffles. I think, “Should I go for it? Or should I eat something healthier - like oatmeal? Or eggs and toast?”

In the past, I would have eaten something “cleaner” or “healthier” to stay “on track” with my goals. Or I would have eaten the waffles and mentally ripped myself to shreds for eating something “unhealthy” and “getting off track.”

But yesterday, I realized how much I have made and am making true growth and progress when it comes to my relationship with food.

Because I reached for not one, but two waffles, without any guilt. I put butter and syrup on them. Even paired them with a cup of coffee with two spoonfuls of dairy free vanilla creamer.

I ate the waffles. Enjoyed every bite. And realized how much growth and progress I have made over the years.

Another thing about yesterday and these waffles was that I knew my family was ordering dinner from The Cheesecake Factory that night.

Normally around this time of year, my family and I spend a day in Philadelphia doing Christmas things and going out to lunch or dinner. Since we couldn’t do that this year because of COVID, we decided to bring the tradition into the safety of our home.

So instead of going out to lunch or dinner, we ordered dinner in from the Cheesecake Factory.

Another proud moment of growth for me.

Because in the past, I would’ve ordered something low calorie, no carb, clean, healthy, etc. Especially when there is a low calorie “skinnylicious” section on the menu.

But the current version of myself wanted a burger. So I ordered a classic burger, with the bun, and french fries. And thought nothing of it, except how much I have grown in my relationship with food, and how excited I was to eat it.

In the past... knowing I had appetizers, a big, fat, burger, and a piece of Linda’s chocolate fudge cake coming for me that night, I would have deprived myself of food during the day, or made sure I ate 110% clean, healthy, low carb and low calorie leading up to the big Christmas she-bang of food at night.

But yesterday... I started the day with waffles. Exercised for my mental health, in a way that felt good to me in the moment. A mix of a 20 minute leg workout, 10 minutes of cycling, 15 minutes of stretching and 5 minutes of meditation.

Had a protein shake after exercising. And did not alter my eating during the day because of what I was going to be eating that night.

Honestly, I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know how I went from being a person who would hate herself if she didn’t eat clean and healthy and workout for 7 days straight. To a person who exercises in such a healthy way, for her mental health, and doesn’t diet or feel guilt around food at all anymore.

Truthfully... I know two of the biggest things that got me here were changing the kinds of people I follow on social media. And allowing myself to break up with the scale, and my old beliefs and habits.

Because we’re humans. We’re meant to grow, change and evolve. You are supposed to and don’t have to always stay the same.

And I am proud to say that I am living, breathing proof that you can go from food guilt and restriction, to complete food freedom.

Eat the waffles. Eat the burger. Eat the fudge cake. Enjoy your freaking LIFE. And then, the next morning, you wake up and move on with your life.

This morning, I went back to my regular routine of coffee and oatmeal. Soon, I’ll have another meal or a snack, maybe exercise for 20-30 minutes, and, again... just continue on with my life.

Your life doesn’t have to revolve around weight loss, achieving a flat stomach, having abs, and always eating “clean” and “healthy” all of the time.

You are allowed to live your freaking life, eat your favorite foods, and do whatever brings you peace, happiness and joy. Especially during the holiday season.

[muertaheux]

Post J call (19/05) [diary sub.]

  4 days of no sleep  has meant  unblocking+subsequently spending a lot of time thinking about or talking to J the past couple days.   but damage done  & now that I know that this man has stopped doing all the things he was supposed to do continue doing once we were completely over; ensuring that he does those things again feels like my responsibility!! 

-SO! An attempt at digesting some of the most jarring things he said since instantaneous reflection/clarity was impossible !! -

“when you first wanted to end things there was no doubt that you’d be coming back out here”

like there’s a pandemic and i have no reason i need to go back to the bay as it’s alll online now ??

“see I’m not even in LA!! I chose not to be for you!!”

We’ve had no contact for months and I had no idea he still mainly lived in Oakland?? So that cannot be put on me?? ALSO literally one of the last things I had said to him was about how at least now he can live in LA & something to the effect of how he should try + actually enjoy the lifestyle now?? LA bitches always made me feel a way & a lot of the LA guys he worked with or just at different events were just a lot???

“How can you act like this is the way its supposed to be with us?? If you just decided that there’s not even a chance anymore than that’s fucked up that you gave me false hope”

WHAT THE FUCK. It’s certainly not healthy to entertain possibility of reconciliation, for plenty of reasons but especially as he’s not risen to the occasion of doing what he needs to do! I didnt leave him high and dry as he has the blueprints, tools, and resources now. Literally last night he was texting acknowledging how we’re both not “whole” and it seemed he got that we must be separate but I guess not?? I didn’t give him false hope???

Damn like I was still balancing my own academic + professional + personal obligations and mental health ?? I will do basically anything for someone I love and as his gf ended up taking on quite a bit . But I was 21/22 w. a rigorous course+research load,demanding job, & my own traumas & mental illness to manage??? I loved tf out of him but I am too young & too shaky myself for the dynamic we had to have been sustainable?? I don’t regret putting him onto therapy+psychiatry & the business/financial resources/techniques but being his buffer for the industry stuff in LA was exhausting & fucked w me. I hate almost everything about LA& I get that he’s more introverted than me + has wild imposter syndrome but he was the one who had a right to be there I’m not even remotely connected to that field and again I despise most of the LA bitches- I’m in my early 20’s obviously I would still have wild self esteem issues etc?? I would literally be crying for a good portion of the drive or flight down there almost every time after the first one. But as he would literally run every single business decision or interaction by me & even once the money started coming + he had validation regarding his skill set, for awhile he still would be  second guessing the creative aspect of it;   and he only really trusts & is out of his shell completely with his Oakland friends, people in LA/anyone he works with he views strictly as clients/collaborators - he wouldn’t go to anything he needed to  in LA if I wouldn’t come with him. Okkk yes he was ode loyal/ attentive to me as well as supportive + invested in my stuff & we really protected/looked out for one another in different ways, so it’s not that he was undeserving.. I just can’t be or do everything for someone!!! I also would not even have chance of being close to happy if I stayed in states now that I am completely disillusioned with medicine ??

“That’s insane that you’ve been able to move on like this that’s so fucking ode [my name redacted]. I bet you were fucking other people when were together”

What. the . fuck. I WAS NOTHING BUT LOYAL WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER AND UNLESS I WAS IN CLASSES OR WORKING WE WERE TOGETHER!! I actually  have never spent so much time with one person (and didn’t even mind it) before or after him. He knows I never cheated on him smfh he hurled this same accusation back in the winter after I started hooking up with someone again. So I don’t really get why he’s even acting like this is brand new information because the inciting incident for me to cut him off completely a few months ago was how he was handling me hooking up with someone. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to tbh??

Also if it wasn’t for pandemic or if he was IN LA as a single man, I’m sure he would’ve ended up with at least someone ?? Yeah he’s not a hookup kinda guy but if he was taking the same drgz  but Im not there than Im sure he’d have plenty of bodies, he’s objectively gorgeous to the point that people are wild confused by his personality & mannerisms.

ALSO we’ve been broken up technically since the fall!! I’ve hooked up with TWO people, which is my prerogative?? I could hookup with a ton of people and it would still be well within my rights as in no way are he and I together ?? It doesn’t mean I don’t care or love him at all but it’s literally mid- May?? I get that he’s mainly upset that the person I most recently was with is the guy from Feb. What I didn’t count on or realize was that I had given J enough info that combined with his naturally sharp memory he’d piece together that the Feb/recent guy is the last person I was in love with before the relationship w J. Once he figured that out he was pressing for more info but I never give out names from situations anyways & I actually had to aggressively ask him if he enjoyed being hurt or something because there’s no reason he needs to fixate on this ??

“this is so fucked up youre not gonna give us a chance to say goodbye for real?? you promised me that it wouldn’t be the last time we saw each other , was this your plan all along ? i can’t believe i really thought you were gonna come back . i’m so fucking stupid. when i heard about schools, even graduations, going online i convinced myself that you still had to come back here or that you’d find a reason. what the fuck rachel! what am i supposed to do?”

Ok he started off yelling (for him) there but once it was just crying i got that his abandonment issues are triggered & that’s definitely valid but he can’t guilt me into coming out to Oakland & based off the past couple days he is not in a place that I can trust myself around. We’d definitely end up fucking & probably doing drgz & there would be no closure we’d just have intense /cinematic experiences that will make separation that much harder AGAIN. We can bring out the best in one another but we also bring out the absolute worst!! We can’t forget the truly fucking horrible parts of our relationship and how out of control it was. Love is not enough!!! The way we loved one another was all consuming & that doesn’t work when there’s soooo much individual healing+ growth that needs to happen.

of course i still love him as well , but i can’t even remind him of that as it’ll then be “so you’ll come back?” fuck like people can love people and know not to be with them!! if i was in a better place maybe i’d think about it; but i’m so far from where I need to be. ofc I miss a lot about him and the relationship but it’s more detrimental than it is beneficial!! it’s not like he didn’t have his grievances too he just doesn’t keep them in perspective in this type of situation . like yeah we coexisted extraordinarily well & never had little arguments over dumb shit/ needed a break from one another; but when we would fight it would be a massive aggressive blowout. ok great we didn’t find one another annoying but also we were respectively v fucking triggered by some deep rooted behavior (i.e our respective parents +trust issues, ptsd and psychosis manifested completely differently; bc of our constant proximity to one another - my BP was on full display multiple times; i accepted he was set on carrying but it was ultimately more like stockpiling ; we both at times did reckless things which made us obsess over the other’s safety [mine mainly in mixed or manic states] ; different attitudes/approaches to drgz) . the codependency was in some lights eventually p unhealthy , especially as eventually down the road itd be impossible to accommodate that degree of attachment to one another!!

ok in some way it’s romantic or w/e that we literally couldn’t be w/o one another at night but also we made it way harder on ourselves when we’d focus on making sure we could be with the other at their obligation instead of our respective responsibilities(i.e me always in LA with him, he ended up coming overseas 3x (EU&Middle East) when I was there for work/conference( for countries he wouldn’t be able to get into he waited at w/e neighboring one would be safe for him),  based his UK work trip around my exams schedule so he could bring me, brought me to PFW, etc. )  even considering taking space at any point was never a real conversation..  we were genuinely best friends but just bounced back from w/e dysfunctional argument we had vs solving it and we’re both mad paranoid people & we need someone to physically be there to feel reassured;on the surface and in actuality in some ways the dynamic was ideal- (regardless tho having someone be your primary safety is hardly fail-safe ).

Both of us are insomniacs & deal w night terrors; but from v. early on we figured out how to handle these things in each other to the point that both of us stopped our respective nighttime vices & could sleep naturally; in the case of night terrors the other person would soothe them back. His overwhelming need to protect found a match with my overwhelming longing for safety even before we knew a ton about one another&the respective back stories. Because of Chantel Miller’s assault case that had gone viral(re:the SU Swimmer case) years before, J was convince su at night was dangerous & always picked me up+ put pepper spray canister in my bag literally a week after we first met. When he learned my history/some of the traumas (mainly nyc r**** & parts i shared re:tr********* abroad) etc he was especially ode about my overall safety. (Tbf he has seen a lot in his life but he mistook my taking risks at times as being completely oblivious when most of the times it was because I had assessed the situation and compared to other experiences and I knew I could handle it; ofc for some of the episodic instances it was way more precarious of a situation. )When it was clear that it wasn’t just some over controlling maneuver, it was just easier to try and listen to him about which areas and times to avoid tbh& spared the details of my ~pickups~. He didn’t need protection in the same way; besides the support/‘protection’ for LA/industry stuff, he needed emotional support/validation, reassurance, and to be nurtured & encouraged.

[sevenielle]

perhaps

pairing: jikook word count: 7802 cross-posted on ao3

-where jungkook is an idol and jimin is his ultimate fanboy

“guys I met a viewer, his name is taehyung!” jimin beamed at the camera and showed the viewer of his that he met. “hi, my name is kim taehyung” jimin was vlogging when taehyung greeted him and said that he watches his videos.

videos, youtube videos. park jimin is a youtuber, mainly dance covers “hyung, I really ship you with jungkook, I hope you meet him soon!” and fanboying over jeon jungkook.

jimin laughed at that, eyes turning into crescent slits “ya, what do you mean, we’re already married”

+

jimin popped the party popper and clapped at his computer screen, the dancer is currently doing a livestream on twitter for his 3M subscribers.

“three million?! three fucking million?? guys I don’t even know what to say” jimin actually felt like crying, silly as it may sound, he really does.

“im not even that interesting, all I do is dance, vlog and hyperventilate over jeon jungkook..” he was getting more overwhelmed reading the comments.

you’re a really great dancer! you should get more recognition well, you put a lot more effort in your vlogs, your editing is seriously the best! jeon jungkook is your husband, right? at least we know the marriage is still going strong

jimin let a tear or so drop while he laughed at the last one, his viewers are the only ones who would tolerate his imaginations.

“but for real though, guys thank you, really thank you very much, you all mean so much to me”

+

“jungkook you kind of went flat there a little bit” jungkook looked at his composer –suga, or if we’re taking real names here, yoongi- as the older sighed, jungkook just pursed his lips and nodded “sorry hyung”

both of them were tired, they’ve been here for hours already, and it’s definitely not helping that both the composer and idol are absolute perfectionists.

seokjin walked in the room with snacks, despite being tired from arranging jungkook’s schedule he still needs to take care of the kid. not just because it’s his job but also because he wants to, over the time they have been working together, jungkook has become his younger brother. he felt so honored when the idol admitted how much he looked up to his manager.

.yoongi is no different, he also adores jungkook a lot, jungkook also admitted to looking up to his composer hyung this is incredible! when it comes to the younger, all he gets his compliments and some in-puts here and there which yoongi is grateful for.

.as you can see, jeon jungkook is as humble as he ever will, his management is doing their best to ground him as much as possible especially seokjin and yoongi who are always with him.

“boys take a break first” seokjin placed the food on the small table “in a minute hyung, there’s still a couple of songs” yoongi didn’t even spare the manager a glance.

.seokjin walked up to the composer and smacked his head “you’re going to kill yourselves-“ seokjin looked at jungkook with a stern gaze, that look when jungkook has to obey no matter what “jungkook. eat”

.jungkook just nodded and removed his headphones, yoongi is glaring at seokjin while rubbing his head, the other just chuckled and patted him on the shoulder “stop being grumpy, I brought food”

“jungkook, we still need to find a choreographer” the youngest swallowed his donut before responding “hyung, they know that I can just do a choregraphy of my own, right?” yoongi shook his head, interfering in the conversation “you absolutely can, but you’re too busy and tired, we can’t have you getting sick”

.jeon jungkook is having a comeback soon and everything is quite settled, except for the dance.

+

.jimin was editing his video when a ding sound alerted him with a new email.

from: jxudancesquad@gmail.com to: parkjim95@gmail.com subject: Dance Camp 2016

good day from the jxu team, we are inviting you to our dance camp that is going to be held this weekend along with other dancers. please message us regarding if you can go or not for further details. thank you for your time.

jimin’s jaw dropped, no kidding. jxu is like the ultimate of the ultimate, jimin surely looked up to them, and this, this is beyond amazing!

from: parkjim95@gamil.com to: jxudance squad@gmail.com subject: Dance Camp 2016

first of all, thank you very much for inviting me, this is such an honor. Of course i would be able to come, thank you =)

jimin stopped himself from rambling on how much he looked up to them, but he decided he has to seem formal,  but not too much, so there’s a smiley there.

+

jimin.. actually didn’t know what to wear, he just opted for an outfit he would wear as if he would study and practice a dance for a cover.

jimin looked around the room, the walls are basically just mirrors, just a typical practice room to be honest, just a really big one. he just rents a room like this but you know smaller, near his apartment.

.according to the email, on saturday, dancers (some are youtubers) woud get together with jxu and create their own choreo. then on sunday, some students would be invited and they would teach the choreo that they made.

.they were halfway finished when the leader of jxu –n- declared a break, thus leaving jimin laying on the floor chugging down cold water.

“you’re park jimin, right?” the jimin looked up and surely there was a face peering down on him, the youtuber hurriedly sat up.

“you’re j-hope!” j-hope, a member of jxu and jimin’s favorite dancer. j-hope beamed and sat in front of jimin.

“hi! i really like your dancing, i was actually the one who introduced you to the team, you’re just really amazing! sorry, now im just rambling” the professional dancer showed his teeth as he laughed.. the other dancer is just bewildered by the fact that jxu’s j-hope, watches him and actually likes his dancing.

“j-hope hyung.. i really don’t know what to say, i’ve been a fan of jxu for like forever! im not just saying this i swear, you guys are seriously the best! im also not lying when i say you’re my favorite member” j-hope ruffled the younger’s hair and smiled at him

“i believe you, i have seen your tweets to us and i wanna say thank you for your support, we appreciate it and just call me hoseok hyung”

+

after that encounter, they continued with the choreo, it’s not that easy, especially when everyone has really good ideas but they made it work somehow. it was tiring yes, but it was worth it. jimin looked at his camera, watching the video and wow we’re amazing.

he was surely feeling the burn on his muscles now but he wouldn’t pass up any chance to dance, even when it’s an unknown kid asking him.

“hyung?” jimin looked up and saw a boy wearing a black mask, fairly tall, muscular built, good body in short.

“yes?” the unknown kid held out his hand “hi my name is kim junghyun, i was wondering if i could have a chance to dance with you?” jimin shook junghyun’s hand “hi, im park jimin, may i ask what for?”

junghyun scratched the back of his neck (reminding jimin of jungkook’s habit. damn im so gone) before answering “uhh, i just recently started dancing and i really like your style, so i thought it would be a privilege to dance with you”

okaaaay, this isn’t the first time jimin was asked to be dance with but it is the first time that he was asked by a beginner. that sounded wrong, jimin is no way insulting junghyun, it was just really really  flattering to  hear that this kid thought he was amazing, it reminded him of his past self when he saw jxu and jungkook.

jimin beamed, eyes turning into slits “why of course, thank you for the compliment” the youtuber actually noticed junghyun a while ago, the kid was oddly quiet, he was just on his phone during the break, didn’t even socialize with the other dancers, he talked with a few jxu members in the beginning but that’s it.

they arranged their cameras in front of them, both wanting to film their routine. jimin for youtube obviously and junghyun for later references.

+

“and you thought you could still squeeze making your own choreography into your tight schedule”

jungkook groaned, burying his face further into the pillow. seokjin clicked his tongue “jungkook at least change your clothes” then he proceeded on going on about how much dirt had clung onto jungkook.

but the latter didn’t listen, he really couldn’t be bothered, having just finished his schedule he just wanna have a really really long sleep.. but of course that wouldn’t happen considering his busy idol life.

+

“is he a professional one?” seokjin asked, eyes still fixated on the computer screen “i asked hoseok hyung, said he does youtube”

yoongi returned to the studio from taking a bathroom break, eyebrow raising when he saw what the manager and singer was watching “is that the new choreographer?”

“I still have to make management check this and contact him, if approved, until then, we still don’t have a new choreographer”

yoongi studied the guy’s face, he looks oddly familiar, too familiar, he just couldn’t put his finger on it. “hoseok hyung said he does youtube” it was like there was a bulb that suddenly appeared over his head.

jungkook and seokjin was taken aback when the composer suddenly laughed so loud you could practically hear it outside the studio. yoongi wiped the tears out of his eyes (yeah, that’s how hard he laughed)

“i know him” seokjin quirked an eyebrow “you do?” the rapper walked closer to them and went to youtube to find the dancer’s channel. “well not personally, he’s quite well-known in your fandom you know?”

jungkook watched in interest as park jimin or rather chimchim appeared on the screen “so he’s a fan?” he watched as yoongi scrolled through several videos, eyes catching some of the titles.

‘Just One Day’ MV REACTION JUNGKOOKIE GET WELL SOON HAPPY BIRTHAY KOOKIE Dope Dance Cover

“oh a huge fan jungkook”

+

jimin looked at his bathroom mirror checking his freshly dyed hair, he thought he have let it have its rest for a while now, (the boy was obsessed in changing his hair color ever so often) his younger brother, jihyun, scolded him for it and said that he was going to be bald; which is enough to make jimin stop for a while. After all, how will he able to dye his hair if he doesn’t have any?

so he grew out his natural color and stayed black-haired for a while… now he is orange-haired.

just when he finished uploading a photo of him on twitter, he was receiving a call from an unknown number. he answered it after getting out of his bathroom.

“hello?” he said hesitantly “oh hi! park jimin-shi?” jimin sat on his sofa, crossing his legs. the apartment of his is relatively small but hey it’s not like he have visitors often, plus, he likes things simple.

“yes, who am i speaking to?” he heard a door closing through the speaker “hi im kim seokjin, i suppose you know who i am, right?” there was a teasing tone in that- wait, kim seokjin?!

kim seokjin as in kim seokjin who manages jeon jungkook? oh my god they found my channel, im gonna get sued, please spare me, i was only spazzing over my husband

“u-um yeah” jimin gripped the phone tighter, closing his eyes and expecting for the worst, seokjin laughed at the weak response “don’t worry you’re not in trouble, we just wanted to talk to you about something”

jimin swallowed the lump formed into his throat “by ‘we’, who are you referring to?” “me and the management”

im screwed, i’ll just give my channel to taehyung

+

“oh you dyed your hair” jimin looked up at jungkook’s manager, he was nervous as hell, he already packed his belongings just in case he’s really headed towards jail. “y-yeah just a while ago… how did you know i had a different color?”

fuck, they have been watching me

“your hair was black in the video jungkook showed”

what video?!?! i have made tons of videos about jungkook, what exactly are you talking about?!?

seokjin reached into his pocket revealing his phone, then faced it towards jimin. jimin’s jaw dropped, literally.

“but that’s junghyun-“ his eyes widened in realization, the kid was exceptionally good for someone who was just ‘starting with dance’

“yeah that’s jungkook, he used his brother’s name” jimin didn’t even realized! but in his defense, jungkook was wearing really baggy clothes that time, if the younger just wore more fitting clothes, he would’ve realized. if the younger just arranged his beanie so not all of his hair are covered making him seem like he’s bald.

he have to give it to the makeup stylists though, they lined jungkook’s eyes differently, making the eye shape different.

he was brought back to reality when seokjin giggled “i know this is all overwhelming since you’re a fan-“ “wait- how did you know?” “suga have watched a couple of videos”

doom

he’s covered his face which he is sure is as red as deadpool’s suit and slumped back in his chair. they know.

seokjin found jimin adorable, really really adorable. “are you going to sue me? did jungkook felt uncomfortable? did I cross a line?” yep, adorable.

he reached through the table of the café and patted jimin’s shoulder. “no, no and no, if anything, jungkook actually appreciated it” jimin peaked thorugh the gaps of his fingers. oh my god he’s so squishy.

“yeah, it’s not really often for male fans to be as dedicated as you, jungkook really appreciates it”

jimin let it all sink in, trying to calm himself down and also restraining himself to jump up and down because jungkook knows i exist!

he brought his hands down, chewing on his bottom lip “okay.. so what really is the reason you wanted to meet me?”

+

he clutched his chest as he entered the studio, any minute now he’s sure he was going to pass out. ever since the meeting a while ago, he kept on pinching himself.

right, the meeting

oh you know, just the usual meeting with bang si hyuk, the head of big hit ent., which is jungkook’s label. no. fucking. big. deal.

he looked around the room while seokjin closed the door behind them.

jungkook was here jungkook sings in here this room had been blessed by jungkook’s prescence

“oh you’re here” he looked up at the voice and- hold me, im dead, im officially dead. suga was sitting there on the chair in front of the monitor, min fucking suga.

jungkook’s best friend jungkook’s composer he’s gonna be the best man in our wedding- park jimin! stop!

suga looked seokjin “im guessing he’s our official choreographer now”

also, he is now jeon jungkook’s new choreographer… NO FUCKING BIG DEAL AT ALL.

“yeah” jin noticed jimin’s nerves instantly and was kind enough to guide the boy towards the chair beside yoongi. “so you’re going to create a choreography to these songs” jimin, despite all of the fanboying inside his head, listened intently to the instructions that were given to him.

he may be a fanboy for jungkook, but he’s also now the boy’s official choreographer, and when it comes to dance, he’ll take any challenge.

+

seokjin eyed jungkook curiously, the boy was given a short break and he spends it on his phone? the boy’s constantly whining about not being able to sleep and now he has the opportunity for an hour, he spends it on his phone.

seokjin peeked behind jungkook and oh “a good ego booster, huh?” jungkook almost dropped his phone in shock, you would think he was caught watching porn by his reaction.

“hyung, you scared me!” “yeah, i see that” jungkook pouted which he would deny if anyone asked. seokjin looked at jungkook’s phone screen once again and he wasn’t mistaken, the boy was on jimin’s youtube channel.

“what video were you watching?” jungkook huffed and showed his manager

Boy in Luv Dance Cover

the management had checked the video of jungkook and jimin dancing together and they were incredibly impressed, including seokjin, yoongi and jungkook.

but you know, jungkook can’t fool seokjin, the latter knows what the singer really was watching.

How can a Kookie be so damn hot?! [rant video]

+

jimin was quite impressed by himself, he have already finished routines for two songs, only 1 left, suga gave him 3 songs to begin with

he stares at his reflection on the mirror wall of the dance studio he’s currently renting. that’s when it all dawned on him, he dramatically knelt on the floor then proceeded on laying down.

he cried, he was so overwhelmed by all of this. you may think it’s because he now gets the opportunity to get close to his ultimate inspiration, partially yes, but other than that, he feels utterly accomplished.

ever since he was a kid, he always wanted to be a professional dancer, it’s not that he isn’t happy from making dance covers because he really is, but now, he feels like he could really call himself a dancer.

he gets to make a choreography for a famous person! the routine he made would be seen by millions of people! he cried and cried, sobbed even.

you made it park jimin…

+

jungkook… was actually excited to meet jimin. he may or may not have watched every single one of jimin’s video and he wants to for him and the youtuber to be friends.

jimin on the other hand, is a train wreck, he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to do this. according from seokjin, the meeting between them would be 1on1. him and jungkook, one room, oh god forgive him for his unholy thoughts.

the youtuber tucked his camera away when he was in front of the management building, he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to say that he’s jungkook’s choreographer (that still sounds surreal). bowing to everyone he passes by, he reaches the dance studio.

he took a deep breath before opening the door, he was relieved to see jungkook’s not there yet, granting him more time to collect himself.

he was immersed in practicing the routines he didn’t notice someone coming in. jungkook watched jimin as his song played in the background, he was in awe on how good of a dancer jimin is.

jungkook cleared his throat startling jimin “sorry, didn’t mean to surprise you”

jimin’s mind is going mayhem.

oh shit, fuck jeon jungkook is in front of me jeon fucking kook! jungkook!! he’s fucking tall!

jimin tried his very best to seem calm and bowed a perfect 90 degrees “hi im park jimin” jungkook also returned the curtsey although not that deep “jeon jungkook” the singer gave the dancer a small smile, hoping it’ll ease his nerves.

no it did not, if anything, that smile just made everything worse.

+

“oh thanks” jimin shakily accepted the water bottle jungkook offered him, they’re already done with the half of one song and also done for today, they were just taking a quick rest then they’re gonna head home.

jungkook sat himself beside jimin, watching their reflections on the mirror wall, silence enveloped the two of them, the atmosphere wasn’t awkward at all, it was rather comfortable.

jimin’s heart have calmed down from fanboying, but it’s still racing due to dancing but overall, he could now be at close proximity to jungkook without freaking out too much.

“thank you” jungkook said suddenly, jimin furrowed his eyebrows and looked at jungkook through the mirror he’s so handsome, what the fuck.

“for the routine? um welcome?” jungkook laughed a little bit and jimin swore he could hear angels singing

“for supporting me” oh

OH

jimin held back tears in his eyes i’ve been crying a lot these days, how can you not when your idol/inspiration not only notices you and knows your existence but also appreciates you?

+

the dance lessons continued every day, they fell onto a routine of jimin arriving first, warming up waiting for jungkook to come after finishing his schedule which now only consists of being in the studio with yoongi.

and as time goes on, the two became relatively close to the point jimin sometimes forget that the boy he’s teaching is the same boy he fanboys over in videos, the same boy he claims to be his husband.

his viewers seem to catch on that he’s not as ‘active’ as he was back then when it comes to jungkook when they start asking questions on twitter.

jimin, why are you not talking about jungkook anymore? =( are you leaving the fandom???? please don’t leave us!! =’(

it just doesn’t feel right anymore if he’s being honest, he feels like he already stepped on a personal boundary in jungkook’s life and he can’t be too careless towards his actions anymore. he starts to feel guilty reading the messages.

soekjin assured him that its completely okay for him to tell his viewers about his new job (jimin doesn’t look at it as a job) but still, it doesn’t feel right somehow.

he looked up at his ceiling questioning himself.

i just don’t want jungkook or anyone to think im using him for money or i only see him as an idol, all these times that we’ve been spending together, we became close to each other and became really close friends, i don’t even see jungkook as a famous person anymore… i now view him as a normal person.

+

jungkook scrolled through the fansite.

guys, you do know park jimin, right? chimchim? that dancer on youtube jungkookie’s husband hahahaha he understands us

he smiled at the thread of messages, this just proves how dedicated jimin is when it comes to jungkook that even his fellow fans appreciate him and his efforts. jungkook also does, how can you not appreciate a person studying your dance then make a video of it? a person who buys all of your albums? a person who was there from the very start and still stayed?

jungkook scrolled further

yeah, he seems pretty upset lately he still makes videos but he hardly talks about our kookie anymore =’( what? no! he can’t leave us! i would be very upset if he leaves the fandom i met him once, he’s really sweet

ever since that day yoongi mentioned jimin of having a youtube channel, jungkook made a new youtube channel just to subscribe to jimin. he does watch the videos, and yeah, not that he’s boasting again but he does actually noticed that jimin doesn’t even mention his name anymore. and in the vlogs, usually when jimin is vlogging at home, his songs would be playing in the background, but they aren’t anymore in the recent vlogs.

jungkook is aware that jimin is allowed to say that he’s now working for big hit, but he doesn’t. blame jungkook all you want but he won’t take it back when he says park jimin is his favorite fan and he would gladly give jimin the no.1 fan throne if there was.

so just like his fan base right now, he starts worrying if jimin is leaving the fandom.

jungkook doesn’t mention the issue in their next session, nor the next, neither the next one after that. he forgot, he was blinded by jimin’s eye smiles and angelic giggles.

+

jimin was having his own turmoil inside of him, he’s starting to regret to ever accepting seokjin’s offer because he finds himself falling for jeon jungkook.

not jeon jungkook as in the ‘golden idol’ but as in jeon jungkook that awkward teenager who likes iron man a little bit too much.

and it’s not good, definitely not good. jimin watches from the side as jungkook easily accomplishes the 3 routines they have been working for now, the last one still needs polishing but overall, they’re all done here. “hyung?” jimin looked up from packing his things “yeah?” “let’s get some pizza”

+

after showering, jungkook set the dining table for the both of them, jungkook invited jimin over for pizza and the latter is now the one who’s taking a shower.

jimin didn’t bring any extra clothes thus, having to wear jungkook’s white t-shirt and grey sweat pants. the clothes are the perfect size for the singer but when it comes to him, they were oversized.

jungkook bit his lip to fight off a smile when he sees jimin come out of his bathroom, he just wants to go up there and hug and kiss his hyung.

yes, yes you were very right, jungkook likes jimin, thank you very much.

his hyung just looks so cute and adorable and squishy right now and it absolutely didn’t help when the person in question pouted. “i look funny, don’t i?” jimin could see it, the smile jungkook was fighting, the blush across his cheeks and his heart starts to beat faster.

maybe, just maybe

jungkook ruffled jimin’s now brown hair (told you the boy’s a dye addict) “you look adorable” jimin blushed and it made jungkook’s heart beat faster too. “why do you all keep saying that?” oh jimin didn’t whine, nope.

jungkook pinched jimin’s cheeks which are really full and kissable and fuck jungkook’s so gone.

“is this enough evidence?” jimin swatted the younger’s hands away and sat down ready to stuff himself with greasy food.

+

they didn’t even bother turning the television on when they sat down on the sofa, they let the silence bask them. each left with their own thoughts.

jungkook coming in terms with his feelings for his choreographer, worrying if said choreographer really is leaving the fandom, leaving him.

jimin worrying that if he doesn’t stop being jungkook’s choreographer, he would just fall further for the boy, ‘cause being jungkook’s choreographer means being friends with him, being friends with him means being close with him and being close with him means developing feelings for him, not that there’s no feelings already developed.

jungkook who was seated on his right broke the silence with a whisper “you’re still.. you’re still going to make choreographies for my next songs, right?” jimin looked at the younger, he could hear the uncertainness in his voice and if he isn’t being delusional right now… he could read the hidden message in jungkook’s watery eyes.

you’re not going to leave me, right hyung?

jungkook brought his legs up, sitting cross-legged and faced jimin. he studied the dancer’s face, his almond-shaped eyes, those chubby cheeks, those lashes, those full plump lips, the hair that changes color ever so often.

then he thought of all the memories he and jimin have managed to make in only just a short period of time. that time when jungkook wasn’t just feeling it because of how tired he was and they just talked inside the practice room, that time when they finished early and decided to eat street foods, that time when jimin was sick but still taught jungkook, he only noticed after they were done due to how much jimin was coughing and he instantly felt bad.

he closed his eyes, and placed his head on jimin’s chest and wrapping his arms around the latter. “you’re still going to be with me when i make my new album, right?”

jimin was sure jungkook can feel his heartbeat and maybe, just maybe.

jimin also wrapped his arms around jungkook, afraid that the latter may vanish if he ever lets go. he placed his forehead against jungkook’s hair. he felt his shirt start to get damp.

“hyung… you’re going to stay with me, right?” jungkook raised his head and surely, jimin saw him crying. “hyung, please stay”

jimin wiped the younger’s tears away “what are you talking about jungkook-ah?” “i know you’re thinking about quitting” jimin looked how sad jungkook is. this is the first time that he’s happy that someone is upset because if jungkook’s this broken about jimin possibly leaving then maybe, just maybe.

“jungkook-“ “why hyung? why are you thinking of quitting?” he remained silent “did i- did I disappoint you? did i not turn out the way you expected? was i too childish? hyung tell me” jimiin was quick to deny.

“jungkook no, you did not disappoint, i wasn’t expecting you to turn out to be anything because i didn’t utterly expect to be this close to you, and yes you can be childish but at the right moments” “so why then?”

maybe, just maybe.

“im afraid of my feelings jungkook-ah” by seeing the look on jungkook’s eyes, he knows the younger already figured it out “why?” “what do you mean why? jungkook you’re the golden idol everyone adores, who am i? im just your fan that makes youtube videos”

jungkook released his grip on jimin and held his face instead, looking the latter dead on the eyes “who are you? you’re park jimin, you’re chimchim, you’re that amazing dancer on youtube, so amazing jxu noticed you, so amazing the management approved of you right off the bat, and also adored by my fans, your fellow fans, our family, jimin everyone in the fandom adores you, loves you” he took a quick breath before continuing

“and by everyone, i mean everyone, including the one you’re idolizing” a tear fell from jimin’s eye “and yes, i may be jeon jungkook the golden idol you see on stage, on screen but hyung im also your kookie who likes to tease you about your height, who whines at you sometimes because the choreography is too hard, who gets babied by seokjin hyung. jimin, we’re not that different, stop looking at me so highly”

jimin sobbed

“see that’s what im afraid of, i started off as a fan, there would be instances that I would look highly at you and im scared of what people might say, that im only gonna use you for money, for popularity; that im only gonna date you because you’re an idol and cause all these controversies for you because you’ve worked so hard for your career and i don’t want to be the reason you plummet down-“

he was silenced when a pair of lips crashed on his own. they were crying and they tasted their salty tears, but they didn’t care. the moment was theirs, and they’re going to own it.

jungkook was the first to pull away, leaning his forehead on jimin’s own. “hyung… i know you’re not like that and you’re absolutely not going to be the reason for my failure, if anything, you’re just going to motivate me more and more until i reach the very top”

“but what about the management-“ jungkook shook his head “they’ll support us, i have no dating ban, seokjin hyung adores you, yoongi hyung adores you, the fans absolutely loves you, everything is settled now, all there’s left is you”

he kissed jimin’s forehead “park jimin, be mine” jimin beamed

“im already your choreographer” jungkook chuckled and as if to prove his point, he kissed jimin again, gentler this time

“be my boyfriend park jimin” “always, jeon jungkook”

+

jimin smiled at the camera, smiled that famous smile of his, that one when his eyes turn to crescent moons.

“hi my name is park jimin, jeon jungkook’s husband” he started off with his intro, and yes, that’s his intro in every single video of his.

“first of all” he walked towards the camera placing his face directly in front and spoke directly on the microphone “how dare you” that will surely turn out to be a whisper to his viewers who would watch this with earphones on.

he stood up straight again in front of his white backdrop, pointing an accusing finger at the camera “how dare all of you to accuse me of leaving the fandom” he placed his hand on his chest faking a gasp “i would never do such a thing!” he (gently, these things are precious) grabbed his poster of jungkook and showed it to the camera.

“do you see this? do you see this?? how could I ever divorce a husband like this?!” jimin faced the poster towards him and kissed it, many many times

“mwah!” he looked at the poster in his hands, poster of jungkook, poster of his boyfriend. he blushed and smiled again, he gently placed the poster down “aish what am i doing” he muttered to himself, he looked directly at the camera lens and brushed his hair back.

that thing that jungkook absolutely loves

“i swear to god im going to fucking sue jeon jungkook” then he clapped his hands once

“aha! speaking of jeon jungkook” he squealed, jumped up and down, you know the casual fanboying.

after sliding down the wall, he fanned himself because heck he really is excited!

“i’m going to his concert!” his smile is enough to light up a whole country “i’m finally going to see him!” not like he hasn’t seen him already.

jimin never had the chance to go to jungkook’s concert or fanmeets before since he lacked financially. but now he has youtube, he can finally afford these things.

“so yeah! tomorrow is the ticket selling so if you ever see me there please don’t hesitate to say ‘hi’ and we’ll have a great time together!” he waved his hands towards the camera.

“bye! see you there! i love you guys!” then again, he approached the camera “you too jeon jungkook, i love you” then kissed it

after that announcement video, he also filmed a vlog, it’s not really much. he just went to a stationary store to buy some materials for his ‘project’ then went home. he arranged the camera on the sofa, filming himself make a placard for the concert.

I LOVE YOU JUNGKOOK-HUSBAND              

he wasn’t the very best when it comes to art so he tried his best, decorating it with cookies all over it and of course, it wouldn’t be a jimin vlog when it doesn’t have jeon jungkook’s songs in the background so he played ‘second grade’ singing and dancing along to it.

+

jungkook’s schedule is now hectic again, after having a comeback, the interviews and appearances are never-ending, then there comes concerts. the dance routine for his song had received such good reviews they’re asking who is the new choreographer. he felt proud of jimin.

the singer was granted a small break from rehearsals of the concert so he proceeded backstage and sat down. he took his phone from his bag and saw there was a new notification.

chimchim just uploaded a new video: SEE YOU THERE!

he laughed at his boyfriend’s antics as he watched the video. he had offered jimin some vip tickets for the concert but the latter refused, said he wanted to go through the whole experience of buying the tickets and see what seat he can afford. jungkook insisted, but jimin’s decision was already made.

their relationship is now known to the whole company, the managers and higher-ups were happy for jungkook, the staff found them adorable, seokjin was ecstatic, yoongi also found them cute but he wouldn’t say that out loud.

jimin’s viewers and the public still doesn’t know yet, they’re planning to make it known at the concert. all in all, they’re happy as they could ever be.

+

the doorbell rang and jimin opened it “jiminie!” taehyung tackled him into a hug, taehyung is one of his viewers but they have gotten close ever since they have met when jimin was vlogging once.

he learned taehyung is an aspiring singer, has an account on soundcloud and posts covers and damn boy does he have a soulful voice. also a fanboy of jungkook, but not as much as jimin.

“ya, i still have to put on my shoes!” taehyung released him “then hurry up!” after jimin checked he looked perfect and grabbed his placard, they were seated in taehyung’s car, the kid’s awfully rich too.

jimin was fortunate enough to afford a good seat, taehyung could probably afford a vip one, but insisted on joining jimin. they were chatting with some fans when jimin checked the time, 1 hour before it starts.

“taehyung-ah, im gonna be right back” he stood up, handing his placard to taehyung “where are you going?” “i’ll be right back”

he whipped his camera out on his way towards the backstage “guys!! im at the concert! it hasn’t started yet but im so freaking excited!” the staff already knows him so he got in without any problems, bowing towards them on his way “im with taehyung and yeah, i kind of left him for a little while for this” he laughed a little bit.

he knocked on the door before opening and there was jungkook getting his makeup done, the younger waved at him. the camera’s still pointed towards the vlogger so jungkook’s out of the view, but jimin’s sure the viewers will already freak out at this point of the video because he was freaking backstage! and the concert doesn’t offer any backstage passes.

he sat down on the small sofa, still not showing jungkook on the camera, he smiled mischievously at the camera “you must be wondering where am i, right?” he giggled and jungkook just watched him from the mirror.

he laughed when jimin started doing funny faces towards the camera “ya! don’t laugh” jimin pouted at the camera “he’s mean” jungkook stood up after his makeup is all done “well you’re cute”

jimin blushed at the compliment as jungkook sat down beside him “is this live?” “jungkook this isn’t v app” the singer laughed “so you’re going to edit this later” jimin brushed his hair back causing jungkook to bite his bottom lip.

“probably tomorrow” jungkook glanced at the camera “so can i kiss you?” jimin and jungkook just stared at each other.

what? your lips are addicting control your hormones you child

jungkook brought jimin up to his lap and placed his head on the youtuber’s shoulder, waving at the camera “hi im jeon jungkook” jimin looked at their reflection at the viewfinder, his heart swelled up in joy causing him to smile.

they haven’t said the three words to each other yet (the i love you’s that jimin says in his videos are not counted) but jungkook already knows that he loves jimin. he kissed jimin’s cheek and the boy blushed, jungkook found him beautiful in all aspects.

“too much pda” they looked up and yoongi was scowling at them, jimin laughed and pointed the camera to the composer “say hi hyung!”

+

the concert is amazing! it’s so hyped jimin can feel his heart thumping along the rhythm, he, taehyung and the rest of jungkook’s fans are absolutely having the time of their lives. jimin looked behind him and the view was breath taking.

you could see the sea of jungkook’s light bombs, the crowed are singing along to him, jimin looked forward again, his boyfriend performing. he felt himself get emotional, he was there when jungkook debuted and now the boy was well known to the industry, ht felt really proud.

“are you having a good time?” jungkook heard the crowd reply with ‘yes!’ and he smiled. “thank you all for coming, i really appreciate it” he wiped his sweat with the towel around then tossed it to the crowd.

“okay so, before i perform the next song, i would like to invite the amazing choreographer who created this masterpiece” jungkook knows exactly where jimin was, but the lights really are blinding so he really can't see his boyfriend properly

he pouted, a series of “aww’s” and screams were heard “please hyung?” jimin was biting his lip, growing nervous, but jungkook already sent the floor director, namjoon, to go get him. taehyung and the people around them were flabbergasted.

while the floor manager guides jimin towards the stage, jungkook’s still talking to his audience “i’m pretty sure you all know him, name’s park jimin, chimchim on youtube, ring any bell?” then the crowd cheers really loud!

jimin timidly walked towards the middle, covering his face when jungkook wrapped an arm around him. he was blushing so bad! jungkook cooed at his boyfriend “aww, my baby’s shy”

“DID HE JUST SAY ‘BABY’?” “WAIT ARE THEY DATING?!” “THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE” “EVERYONE GET READY TO CATCH JIMIN IF HE EVER FAINTS”

jungkook put the microphone away and whispered to jimin “sorry, was it too early?” jimin uncovered his face “it’s fine” but he could feel his heart hammering in his chest. “dance with me?” “uh, im not dressed appropriately?”

jungkook looked at jimin’s outfit “you’re fine, just remove your jacket” jimin felt shy removing it, especially when a stadium full of people are watching you. jungkook brought the microphone up to his lips and laughed a little bit.

“hyung, why are you wearing a tank top underneath? i feel so scandalized”

jimin playfully glared at him and took the microphone, facing the audience “i’m not the one thrusting his hips up in the air”

the staff watched as the couple danced on the stage, it’s their first time seeing the two dance together and they were amazed on how in-sync the two were.

“their heart’s in-sync so i guess their bodies caught on” yoongi looked at seokjin in disgust “you’re so cheesy, hyung” the other just shrugged.

+

jimin turned his phone on, waiting for jungkook to finish showering. after the concert, jimin spent the night in jungkook’s hotel room (no they didn’t do anything) he sent a quick text to taehyung before turning his phone off because he knows it’s just going to blow up with notifications.

and he was right, his instagram, twitter and youtube (he still needs to edit and upload the vlog) are either full of questions or just congratulatory messages. he was happy because there wasn’t any hate but he also knows this is just the start, he still hasn’t checked the news, those could be harsh.

videos and images of them from last night was all over the net. from him and jungkook dancing to jungkook kissing his temple and saying “give it up for my boyfriend, park jimin!”

he sighed and jungkook caught that when he came back from the bathroom and knelt down in front of his hyung who was sitting on the edge of the bed.

“what are they saying?” “i’ve only checked my accounts, they’re happy for us” jungkook knows jimin is upset so he kissed the other’s forehead “was there something i shouldn’t have done last night?”

jimin looked at him and held his hand “no, everything was perfect” jungkook kissed jimin’s knuckles “but you’re worried of what the others would say”

“hyung, i already told you not to worry, people will always have something to say, what’s important is our families’ approval, the company’s approval and the fan’s approval and all of those are already done, so don’t worry alright?”

jimin nodded, believing and trusting his boyfriend. they both leaned in and kissed “i love you” jimin looked at jungkook in shock before kissing the other again “i love you too”

+

jungkook could deny being completely smitten over his boyfriend, he could deny having a fan account fully dedicated to chimchim, he could also deny drooling over jimin’s abs at a showcase once.

the idol could deny a lot of things about his relationship with the youtuber but he could not, by all means, deny having a flash drive full of jimin’s photos.

jimin is supposed to be jungkook’s fanboy but it seems like roles have been reversed; the fans find it amusing how jungkook seem to be jimin’s no.1 fan nowadays.

from pictures of him photographing said youtuber to posting said photos to his social media accounts.

jimin still is jungkook’s choreographer and their relationship’s still growing strong; 2 years in the making.

it hadn’t been easy at first but it was better than jimin expected. majority of the crowd was supportive, the comments that aren’t as supportive couldn’t be helped but they managed; the biggest problem really is their privacy for how well-known both of them are.

fortunately, jungkook’s fans are respectful. jimin tries his best to communicate with the fandom because nothing has changed, sure, he’s dating his idol, role model, ideal guy, but he’s still a fan, he’s still part of the fandom, part of the family.

and the fandom adores him, they already did even when he wasn’t dating jungkook, they just adore him more now. how can they not when he’s so nice and down to earth and makes their idol happier than ever.

snap!

jimin looked over at jungkook who is beside him inside the van and chuckled at the younger’s blushing face “jungkook-ah” jungkook has been caught taking pictures of his boyfriend again.

“sorry hyung” he instantly looked down at his camera in an attempt to hide his flustered face. jimin gently took the DSLR despite jungkook’s protests “hyung!” but jimin just kissed him quiet.

jungkook watches as a smile makes its way to jimin’s face, making his eyes do the thing and jungkook is so gone.

“i still can’t get over your photography skills” “it’s the model” now it’s jimin’s turn to blush making jungkook pull him closer and kiss his temple. they could clearly hear yoongi making gag noises at the passenger’s seat and seokjin scolding yoongi for it from the driver’s seat.

jimin pointed the camera towards him and jungkook “smile!”

jungkook thinks about it every day, how he far he’s gotten, he achieved his dream of being a well known singer, having people admire his work (well, his and yoongi’s work) and now he really couldn’t be happier. he’s got jimin. he used to think music is his everything, it still is, but now jimin comes first, because without jimin he wouldn’t have inspiration to write more songs and even produce a couple of tracks giving him new awards, giving him more opportunities.

jimin brought more color into his already colorful life. jimin brought peace to his chaotic life. jimin had been his muse for 2 years now. and he hopes it stays that way.. forever.

forever

his smile in the picture is nothing compared to the ones the public gets to see in a daily basis, for this smile right here, is the smile of somebody hoping to stay and be with their love of their life forever.

[coffeeandcontemplationblog]

Goals for 2018

I’m so tired of feeling like year after year passes me by without making a significant mark on the world (or at least my world). So here are my goals so that 2018 doesn’t travel down the same, unproductive road. I’m really excited about the fresh beginning of a new year; the start of the next 365 days where anything is possible if you work for what you want...right?

Wellbeing

1. Get Back to the Gym: I’ve lost a lot of confidence lately and it’s vital for my mental health to get that confidence back. I slipped out of any semblance of a gym routine these past few months and it absolutely shows. I feel flabby and thick in all the wrong ways, and so this is the year that I discipline myself all year long, carve out time to go to the gym six days a week, and regain pride in my body like I’ve never known before.

2. Make Creativity a Priority: The majority of my days are filled with scrolling aimlessly on various apps on my phone, bartending at my day job, or focusing too much thought and energy on my relationship. I love my boyfriend, but we’re in a wonderful place together so there’s no need to obsess and fixate on the status of our relationship. I need to get my head out of my ass and start nurturing my creative spirit again. I haven't performed in any way in months, and have tons of journals and notebooks that are only half-filled or not at all. So how am I going to go about doing this?

Use my love of social media and online browsing as a tool: It’s clear that I have an addiction to the internet and I don’t think I’m alone in that. So, instead of trying to cut down my time on technology, I’m going to use my habits to my advantage and commit to writing here on tumblr or more deep-diving posts on instagram. I want to write something of import at least three times a week. I’ve had ideas of starting my own blog page, but until I have a focused vision and message I think I’ll hold off. 

Follow the impulse to explore photography: As someone who loves taking photographs but never took the idea seriously, I want to devote 2018 to doing all the things that I want to do. I plan on starting with a camera my parents own but never use, a Canon of some sort, and then go from there.

3. Keep drinking limited to 4 nights a week: I’ve noticed in the last 3 months or so that I’ve started to have at least one drink every day. I don’t know if that’s as big a deal as it feels, but I know that for my life it’s definitely unnecessary. It doesn’t help that Im a bartender and having a drink is my primary method of relaxing or dealing with the anxiety that comes with a packed bar. But if I’m really going to commit to the gym again then I won’t have empty calories to waste on wine every day anyway. SO I think 4 nights is a good compromise with myself. And who knows, maybe once I cut down I’ll realize even four is unnecessary and I’ll even go down to three. 

4. Really start learning French: This has been a goal of mine for so long that if I don’t get serous about it now I fear I never will. And what better time than now anyway? I’m dating someone who speaks the language, who’s mother also speaks the language, and we’re planning to vacation in France for the SECOND time this summer. So what’s stopping me? Laziness and money. But this is something I truly want and have wanted for years. Ever since high school, really, when I was too insecure to do anything that my friends weren’t doing. I have another friends who speaks the language and I’m going to reach out to her about setting up lessons. If i could get a handle on the language by July I would be so proud of myself and it would be such a huge accomplishment off my life bucket list.

Career

1. Land Representation: This has been a tough one for me for a long time. Each year I say will be the year I finally sign with agents and a manager, and each year I let myself down. Not this year. I’ve just reached out to an agent who has been stringing me along for over a year, asking her to please put me in touch with another agency if she does not feel we’re a good fit for one another. She hasn’t responded yet but I’m hopeful. If that route doesn’t go anywhere then I’m going to reach out to everyone I know, audition for every single play and film I can possibly find, and hopefully get something to invite all of the agents and managers to that I’ve met in passing.

2. Go Back to Class: It’s become very clear to me lately that I still have so much to learn about technique and preparation. Maybe I’ll never be done learning about it. But I cannot sit idly by while day after day passes and I am not practicing my craft for weeks or months at a time. That’s insanity. So I think I’m going to reach out to Michael again this month about returning to taking lessons with him. It’s a gamble because of the emotional rollercoaster that accompanies a relationship with Michael, but it’s worth it if his rates are cheap and I feel artistically fulfilled each week. 

3. Make a Promise to Perform Every Three Months: It doesn’t matter if its a play, student film, or finally getting the courage to write and perform slam poetry. If I don’t keep performing, I’m letting excuses and fear run my life. And I’m done with that. So. By the end of this month I am going to have a performance date of SOME SORT scheduled in the books. 

Travel

This past year I got to travel a good amount. I went to several parts of France I’d never seen, Iceland, Budapest, Hudson, and D.C. What follows is a list of all the places I want to or plan on traveling to in 2018:

1. Brittany, France

2. Egypt

3. Tiny House (Catskills, NY)

4. Vermont

5. Ireland

6. Budapest

7. Montreal

8. LA/ Northern California

9. Colorado

10. Scotland 

Relationships

While my boyfriend is my partner and the strongest relationship I have in my life, I want 2018 to be an exploration in strengthening and prioritizing friendships that I’ve allowed to fall by the wayside. I recently moved out of the home I shared with my best friend, and before doing so we made a pact to see each other once a week every Tuesday. However, her holiday and work schedule took priority and so now we haven’t seen one another in a month. Instead of addressing my feelings of neglect and hurt to her after canceling on me several times, I’ve allowed my frustration to fester and grow like a bacterial disease, resulting of course in me being angry to the point where I can’t text her or else it would start a fight (which of course I’m already in, in my mind). So, I would like to take the opportunity of this new year to be less passive aggressive and more communicative with those close to me when I’m feeling hurt or disrespected. I’m going to reach out to my friend tonight and tell her how I feel. It would have been more mature of me to address these feelings as they were first happening, but that time has passed and I have to start somewhere. 

It’s not just this one friend that I’ve been unsuccessful at keeping up with. I find that I have very few friends that I actually see. Sometimes I try to see someone in particular and they regularly blow me off, and sometimes I get invites to see people whom I regularly blow off. I’ve decided that if someone cares enough at this point in time in our lives to make an effort to see me, then I will make an effort to see them. As far as the friendships that I value who I don't see often, I will continue to pursue and reach out to them in the hopes of having more people in my life who I consider to be “close” with. 

This is the first time I’ve ever written out resolutions like this, organized and categorized in this manner, but I found it really helpful and in the last hour have gained an immense amount of clarity on what it is I’m truly looking to gain from this next cycle around the sun. I hope it inspires others who come across this post to do the same!

- Ashleen Xx