#I'll only end up in a job I hate and k*ll myself out of misery

[abyssalstardust]

My brain did that thing where it latched onto the idea of looking for jobs online and I did for about an hour and now I want to kms again

[theoisyucky-blog]

**tw / sui*ide, phy*ical/se*ual abuse, s/h**

i don't know what to do.

i just turned eighteen.

yet, ive got nothing going for me. 

ive got no chance to have a successful future

i dont know what to do.

where to go.

who to ask for help.

i don't like asking for help

it makes me feel vulnerable

i dont like that

i can't do that.

i was told, growing up, don't trust people

dont let them in

they'll take advantage of you

they'll hurt you.

they'll leave you.

they dont care, they never did.

they never will

they hate me

they think im annoying. 

they think im weird.

i either talk too much,

or i dont talk enough.

either i ask for too many things,

but i never ask for anything 

because i'll feel guilty.

either i never eat,

or i eat too much.

i never leave my room.

but when i do i get made fun of,

or put down for what im wearing.

when i do i get yelled at for something i didnt do.

its not fair.

but life's not fair.

i havent done anything to them.

its not my fault im mentally ill.

its not my fault im like this.

its not my fault im sad all the time.

its not my fault im angry. 

its not my fault i dont like myself.

its yours.

youre the reason im so mad all the time.

 you never try to care.

 you never try to understand, no matter how many times i offer to help you.

 you're never there when i need you,

 but when your job does, you go in a heartbeat.

 i get that we need the money,

 but i need my dad.

im not even sure you even deserve that title.

 i need you, 

but you dont care. 

where were you when i tried k!ll!ng myself the first, second and third time?

where were you when i c*t myself in the bathroom and passed out?

 where were you when you promised me you would visit me, but never showed? 

where were you at my first solo choir performance? 

where were you when i got first place in a talent show?

where were you when i got my awards from school?

where were you when i needed you.

where were you when i was first admitted to the phyc ward?

 where were you when i was beat up? 

where were you when i sat in my room, crying for hours on end, not able to catch my breath, choking on my own tears? 

where were you? 

where were you when i went through my first heartbreak?

where were you when i learned how to ride a bike?

where were you when i learned how to drive?

where were you when my mom killed herself?

where?

where were you when everyone else had abandoned me?

you promised you wouldn't.

but you did without even realizing it.

..

no one believed me when i told them what you did to me.

how bad you hit me.

no one believed me when i told them he touched me.

not the cops.

not you.

not aunt stacey.

not uncle daryl.

i lived with them when you hit me.

not uncle darin.

he hates me.

no one.

and for weeks on end after i came home, he continued.

he kept doing it.

only, it was worse.

you didnt hear my screams.

you didnt notice how broken i was.

you didnt notice how fragile i was.

nobody did.

not a soul.

but i cant be upset.

i didnt show it.

that would make me vulnerable.

i can't do that.