#I'm challenging myself to do bigger illustrations

[laylaylamode]

🎤🎶 Karaoke Night! 🎶🎤 What better way to unwind than to belt out your feelings with some friends?

Another big art piece that I've been wanting to do for a long time! I slowly chipped away at this over some weeks and did a proper background for once. Surprisingly it was harder to do the lighting than the background, but I'm pretty happy with the soft glow I managed to do. That and the little props on the table. Enjoy! 💕

Angela Crust and Eiffel belong to @princesscallyie !

Olevia Masters belongs to @thereallordgrape !

[mysteryanimator]

Here ye here ye, another breaking down processes post from yours truly!

For this animation, my plan was to make something I'm proud of AND also something to force me to take my time since with all previous animation works they were all rushed. I normally tend to speed through work as someone whose illustrations are painterly and I like to keep them rough. Also lets be totally honest my other plan for this animation was to animate Mizrox being so sickeningly sweet.

Fun fact, this animation was going to be longer. I had tried to plan out Olrox climbing on top of Mizrak during the kiss to lay on his chest. There was an attempt trying to rough that out and several ref videos It was scrapped because for the life of me I could not figure it out. Also hypothetically if I was going to keep it, I would cut to another angle (perhaps Mizrak's face close up) and then cut to another angle that would make it easier to see that climbing over the top. OR, consider Olrox already sleeping on his chest (im just rambling now but this is basically 'if you were able to do this again' section).

I wish I actually went through a more proper tie-down process because the jump from going from my rough straight to clean was rough (badum tsk) for the first few seconds. Defintely learnt my lesson ALSO Olrox is surprisingly really fun to draw from behind.

I challenged myself to see if I could get the idea of "bigger movements, less in-betweens, smaller/slower movements, more in-betweens." Though the effect of Olrox rubbing his face against his arm may be a little too jarring and I steered quite a bit away from my rough and self-reference video in hopes of making the face rubbing more apparent because I thought the character acting was too subtle and wanted a contrast to the other half of the scene. I reconfigured my CSP animation workspace for this too so it definitely made the process less tedious when cleaning up the animation.

(Which by the way I do record a lot of self-references depending on the section! For things I can't do/uncomfortable doing, I'll end up looking up videos. It's the easiest for me to catch subtle things in body language and also get a feels for the motion.)

Also I'm really satisfied with Olrox's anticipation before his smooch and the shoulder roll at the end even though technically the arc doesn't complete itself. MIZRAK THOUGH, when cleaning up I realised my rough wouldn't make sense because he's already looking at him so there's no need for a turn, and then the lack of a shoulder movement felt jarring, so all of that was done without any thought, wish I did think about it more though.

Now compositing was a monster in its own right and basically me jumping back and forth between turning on and off different layers, but here are all the new things I did; I duplicated and blurred the lines of the lineart, beveled the shadows so it was lighter on the inside, and added a rim of blur so the focus drew towards the couple. Also will absolutely admit that my fanboy ass went "... be crazy and try to mimic the show." The final did not go that route because I thought it was more important to emphasize the mood/atmosphere (Also Olrox is intentionally stylized differently because i wanted him to be softer here and I had to give him eye highlights for plot HELP). THOUGH to say I did not try to mimic the style, the #2 lighting test was my 'attempt' LOL 😭 I can never consume media normally.

Here are the lighting tests I went through. I definitely knew I wanted to go with a morning vibe, though I tested out a night ver for fun and did some edge lighting which led to mixing both version #2 and #3 to make #4.

Fun fact, I almost went with #2 due to fear of getting too heavy-handed with compositing and therefore losing the animation (even though I really liked #4 at the time). Thanks to a friend, they also shared the sentiment of liking #4, though pointed out it felt like midday and encouraged me to make the colours warmer and deepen the shadows. It is a really tough balance but I think for a softer scene like this, the more additional layers of comp worked out in the end.

The edge light was a last minute thing because someone told me to add sound and to have light stream in. Also at this point I deadass forgot that you know, Olrox, is a vampire, but hey rule of cute overrules. We can pretend its light not from the sun LOL

Also yay I got to show off my own style a tad, I love paintingggg. It's not as completely fully rendered coz I knew that it would get covered up but I still made sure it was quite clean regardless. I didn't realise how much of it would be covered up even though I did make sure they would fit/make sense for bg LOL

Now we are done!

If you've gotten this far thank you! There's gonna be less frequency of these animations due to the semester starting back up soon and I don't get many opportunities to actually 2D animate (despite it being an animation degree RAH). Also I remembering cringing and laughing a lot when I immediately started putting colour down going "oh i can see the end of the horizon, i have too much power as an artist, people will see this i cant let them see me be crazy"

[Here's some memes I drew over while my friend was reviewing my work]

[onethousxndvoices]

What inspired you to make hi fi rush overdrive?

the short answer: catastrophic levels of hyperfixation and an equal amount of hubris. this comic is a cry for help /j

the long answer: i really freakin like this game and wanted to create something tangible to show my love for it.

hi-fi rush is one of those games that completely captivated me in a way that most other media doesn't. everything about it was absolutely charming from start to finish and it altered my way of viewing art in a way only one other series has done for me before (mob psycho 100, if anybody's curious). it singlehandedly pulled me out of art block and for the first time in a while, it inspired me to want to do more with my art than what i'd previously done.

i guess in a sense, i'd been wanting to challenge myself to make something bigger for a while, and HFR just kinda waltzed into my life at just the right time. the sequel potential for this game is absolutely INSANE and i really wanted to take a crack at my interpretation of a hypothetical "Hi-Fi Rush 2" while we all waited for the real thing to come along (that original motive's obviously dead in the water now, fuck microsoft etc. etc.)

at first, overdrive was just a lot of "lmao wouldn't it be funny if ___" discussion in discord with my friends, and for a while i was happy with just leaving it at that. but time went on and more and more things started falling into place and suddenly i'm sitting in front of my pc at 3 in the morning staring at a bunch of character design drafts and 80+ pages of script and counting. i kinda just blinked and it manifested into existence LMAO

needless to say it's been a really fun journey so far, i've grown so much as an artist in the past few months of working on this alone and i'm learning by leaps and bounds with basically every page i finish. this is my very first webcomic (and honestly comic in general, i've only ever done illustration up til now) and it's 1000% me biting off way more than i can probably chew, but i adore this game and this community and i want to continue doing my part to contribute to the fanbase and keep the love for HFR alive. the story that's taken form in my notes is honest to god one of my proudest works and i'm really excited to get it out there to share with yall :)

(also, blame @batgirlteeth for enabling me. the screenshots that started it all.)

[chemical-abscess]

I found you bc of MDZS a while ago and stayed bc of your beautiful artstyle. I had no idea TYK existed but your fanart does make me curious, mind if I ask why do you like it?

Thank you for your question! You asked about Tyk, but I'll also be talking about Qi Ye since Tyk is it's sequel.

To simplify, I tend to divide media I like in two categories: it's message driven story or character driven story.

The first one is like a book or movie that influenced you greatly but you never felt like illustrating it or searching for any additional fan content. The message is more important than characters translating it.

(For example, I really love "Perfect Blue" by Satoshi Kon, but for me it's not just Mima's story, but a process of a young woman figuring out her struggles and fears in general, everyone can be on Mima's place).

The second category, it's all about characters. They are the main attention and main driver of the story. I wouldn't really be interested in a story if it wasn't about That certain character I'm emotionally attached to.

Af for Qi Ye and Tian Ya Ke... It's a bit of both?

In these dilogy main characters are secondary characters of their own stories, which should've made them closer to being concepts carrying a certain message rather than being individuals. But that's not the case! They do have personalities! And I'm more than interested in them!

And the way characters themselves see more in each other is so poetic and romantic...

In tyk (and qi ye), if main characters didn't meet, they still would've been a part of bigger story, playing their roles and translating author's message. But they happened to meet by chance and become individuals to each other

Another catching thing about these novels is that a lot of moments are left unspoken. I probably would've liked to see them (the novels themselves are short), but imagining it myself is challenging in a good way.

The same actually goes for mdzs XD, my fav mdzs works are those that plays around evens that weren't shown in the novel.

Btw. the absence of certain scenes might even be for the better because it has a potential to make us closer to those characters who also haven't witnessed them

That's it ^⁠_⁠^

[swollenbabyfat]

What is your favourite step in making art?

Hmm! I like the whole process for the most part...I will talk a bit about what I like about them.

-A lot of times concepts for stories, or a piece of a story, come to me like lighting or something, but illustrations take a lot more of a thought process for me. I think a lot about symbolism for my pieces and tend to do research about the things I want to include- for instance, I love to use flower language. I'll look at my inspiration blog and sometimes Pinterest but my "visual library" has grown decently enough that I don't have to always do this now, but did a lot a couple of years ago! I make Pintrest boards for bigger pieces/projects sometimes and they're definitely handy for collaborative work!

-Thumbnailing is pretty straight forward, I do it a lot more now than I use to, and it's helped to improve my compositions a lot.

-Sketching is probably the most difficult step for me a lot of the time, but I still enjoy it a lot. Figuring out form is something I've been struggling a lot with recently, which means I need to do more studies and life drawing again typically. I'll grab visual references at this point as well to make sure anatomy looks good, etc.

-Linework/rendering is probably my favorite step...it's truly meditative to me! Especially with my more recent methods of doing it. It's definitely what takes me the longest out of all the steps, which can be trying on my patience sometimes but if I put on a good show or music I can be fine.

-Coloring is kind of second nature to me! I don't actually think about it that much all the time anymore, though I've been trying to challenge myself more lately (felt like I relied too heavily on using complimentary colors for ALL my pieces for a while..which isn't bad obviously but I felt I needed to add more breadth to my work.)

-Final effects feel I rush too often cause I'm like I'M DONE I'M DONE LET ME GET TO THE FINISH LINE kind of mindset! That being said it's nice to see a piece come to life and sometimes I kind of shock myself how the final will compare to the WIP/halfway point of the piece.

Yeah! Thank you for your ask!

[zellie-pdf]

How to Improve Your Vocabulary

Word of the Week: Assiduous: (adj.) hard-working, diligent

I believe that artists (writers, musicians, illustrators, etc) are the most self-destructive people in the world. As a writer, I'm forced to battle myself. When I use apps such as Hemingway Editor (an amazing app/website that helps you write clearer, more concise sentences (The website is linked here!)), I realize that a lot of my writing is at a "fourth-grade reading level". Fourth Grade? You're joking, right? The years I've spent writing and rewriting my book, editing, and polishing—all of that amounts to something a fourth-grader would read? Not that I'm bashing younger people and/or people with lower reading levels, but I wanted to at least make it to a middle schooler's reading level.

Read more?

How do I do that? Expanding my Vocabulary. The benefits of doing so are endless: - I'd sound more intelligent - My writing would be more challenging for an elementary schooler to read - It would improve reading comprehension - It could land me that job I've been wanting - I could think by using more intelligent language

Okay, enough rambling about me overthinking my own writing. How does one expand their personal vocabulary?

1. Downloading a Word of the Day app

I've found that using a word-of-the-day app helps a ton. To make it even better, I use Quizlet to study every word I've learned in the month. If you don't have enough storage or you just don't want an app, there are tons of word-of-the-day newsletters and content creators. I'm following a few on Instagram to add to my Quizlet collection. So, what does a WotD app do? Exactly what it sounds like. It sends you a notification with the word and definition of a large word. The one I use lets you choose between three levels, based on your vocabulary already: Beginner, Intermediate, and Advanced. (Here's the link)

2. READ AND WRITE

This one seems pretty obvious. Reading books (or Tumblr posts!) helps you to see words in context. A lot of people recommend classics since they use bigger words. Honestly, just read whatever you want. If you need some classics for beginners, though, here's a list! The Great Gatsby (208 pages), Animal Farm (130 pages), and Frankenstein (280 pages). ^ I consider those for beginners because they have fewer pages than, for instance, Emma by Jane Austen (432 pages). I might make a post on classics for beginners... hm. Anyway, just read to your heart's content! Writing can help you improve your vocabulary, too. After reading so many books with tremendous vocabulary, you can put them into your own writing. You should also keep a dictionary or thesaurus handy while you write. - Write in a journal to start out! Instead of saying "My day was good." Look at your thesaurus and see some synonyms. "My day was spectacular, exceptional, superior, satisfactory, acceptable, adequate, delectable, brilliant, etc." This brings us to our next tip.

3. Keep A Dictionary/Thesaurus

Listen, I'm not saying you have to keep a massive book in your bag. All I'm saying is that these come in handy, especially when reading/writing! Plus, you can literally keep one on your phone. If I'm not mistaken, most phones come with one. And you can download one if you'd like! It can be a cutesy one or a heavy metal-themed one. It doesn't matter, as long as you use it! The point is, using one will help you speak and write better.

4. Practice using new words in conversations.

WARNING: This only helps if you become very familiar with the word! Using new words you've learned in conversations can help you memorize them and consciously put them into your daily vocabulary. Plus, it can make you sound smart if you're not an asshole about it. And if someone asks you what it means, just calmly explain it to them (ahem, don't be an asshole)

I hope this helped. Follow me for Words of the Week (I know they're not as frequent as words of the day, but it might help, just a bit!), and feel free to request tips or to give me some! I'm always open to constructive criticism.

[minadi-mga2024mi5016]

Week 2 - Class Exercise

I'm still exploring my career options after graduation since I’m still in the process of learning and developing new skills, I haven’t settled on one exact idea or area just yet but I do have a base thought on what I’d like to potentially pursue. I hope to have that vision much more clearer by the end of this year on where I could use my skills to my best potential.

While moving abroad is ideal since I don’t plan on settling down here, I don’t think its immediately realistic. My focus is on finding a remote job for a short period of time that offers good experience and a pay that’d also assists me to even partly contribute financially to my family.

I'm currently honing my skills in 3D modeling/animation, 2D illustration, environment/character concept art and graphic design. So, I'd like to join a studio that values my growing skill set.

Long-term, I see myself working collaboratively on bigger projects where my creative contributions add to a lasting impact and I’d be happy with myself to look back and be proud that I was part of some work of that sort. My passion lies in the entertainment industry, whether its film, animated short films, cartoons or game design, I would want to be part of the pre production team in charge of illustration/ concept art but I'm also open to post production and 3D animation as well.

I do expect to work in a friendly work environment with supportive colleagues and management

However, I'm aware that the entertainment/animation industry can be quite challenging and competitive with so many creative and talented individuals out there. This is my ideal scenario of what I would want to do upon graduation.

[pyrrhiccomedy]

hi! hope this isn't a bother, but i've followed you for a while and i have to say i'm just in love with your dnd discussions and what i've seen of your dm style. i recently started dming myself, and i was wondering if you had any advice about tackling a longer campaign? yours seem so fun and well put-together!

So, IN MY CAMPAIGNS I’M NOT SAYING IN EVERY CAMPAIGN, the core loop looks like this:

Problem -> Lead -> Mystery -> Context -> Decision

For example, let’s say the problem is that the party is broke. They get a lead: take this job, you’ll make some money. Taking the job gives them access to a mystery. What is this really about? Why did our employer want us to do this? What is the actual outcome of what we’ve been sent to do? By seeking out the answers to those questions, they learn the context for their actions. (Their employer is actually a rebel, and your attack on this merchant is going to be used to frame the prince for murder!) Knowing the context, they now need to make a decision: side with the rebels who lied to them? Warn the prince for a reward? Rescue the merchant and make a run for it?

Whatever they decide creates a new problem: now you’ve betrayed the rebels, or the Prince suspects you were involved in his disgrace and is coming after you in order to clear his name, or you’re fugitives now with a merchant in tow.

In trying to solve their new problem, they will encounter a new lead. Sometimes they generate their own leads. Either way, the gameplay loop continues.

If you just chain these together, PLMCD->PLMCD->PLMCD, you have a functional campaign that can theoretically run indefinitely. I mean, eventually your characters will level cap, but story-wise, nothing is stopping you from keeping this up forever. 

But to make a campaign that feels big and interconnected and meaningful, you have to connect those loops in more interesting ways. I think of it as nesting them inside each other, and exploding them outwards.

The simplest example of ‘nesting’ loops is the Bioware model of storytelling. Problem: the darkspawn are invading. Leads: 4 dots on the map, each of which contain several other problems you have to solve, with their own leads. While you follow your leads, always in the back of your mind, there is the Mystery: how do you stop the archdemon? Once you are done with all the Leads you have been provided, you are provided with the final piece of Context: the Grey Warden who kills the Archdemon dies, but Morrigan can do a dark sex ritual that will let you get around that. Your Decision, then, is who will kill the Archdemon, and if you’ll take Morrigan’s offer.

It’s not complex, but it works! And it illustrates the importance of having one, overarching PLMCD that encompasses everything else in the story. Everything is tied together by its relationship to the central Problem in the campaign, and adds texture and emotional heft to the final Decision you will be asked to make. You should have one of these.

To make a longer campaign, though, you don’t just want to nest these loops inside each other; you want to have them explode out. That means that your players don’t know what the big Problem is, at the start of the campaign. They lack the context to even realize it exists.

I ran a short Seven Seas campaign where the players, on beginning the campaign, understood the overarching problem of the game to be: the undead are invading Eisen.

They were swiftly presented with a Lead: if one of you masquerades as the last Imperator’s secret child, you can claim the throne, unite Eisen, and repel the undead invasion.

The Mystery following that Lead is: how do we convince the various Eisenfursts to vote for us? What are their real agendas? How do we deal with our political rivals?  Great, the players think. That’s what the campaign must be about. Let’s get started.

But they were also presented with a few other Mysteries, that didn’t seem connected to their quest to become Imperator. Like: what’s with this mysterious pale young man, who seems to draw the undead to him like moths to a flame? And: was the last Imperator somehow responsible for the undead invasion? How, exactly, did he die?

And they were also very quickly presented with a completely different Problem, that seemed to have no connection to the Problem of the undead invasion: Dragons were returning to Eisen.

In pursuing all of these things in tandem, they eventually gained enough Context to realize that actually, it didn’t matter who became Imperator, and the dragons returning was just a side-effect: the real Problem was that the great sage Mirabeau was breaking the banks of the rivers of Hell in an attempt to flood the gates of Heaven. Her action had set all of those other Problems the players had been dealing with into motion: they just never had the context until now to realize what tied all of these things together.

Having identified the actual, campaign-encompassing Problem, they were left with the ultimate Decision: work with Mirabeau and take Heaven by force, no matter the cost? Or stop her, and protect the people of Eisen from a terrible war - but remain imprisoned in a world without magic or potential for transcendence?

That was a PLMCD loop exploding outward.

I knew this would be a pretty short campaign, because actually, identifying the Real Actual Overarching Problem was not that hard, and once identified, it did not create any new problems. It was designed to be a 6 month campaign, and it was pretty much on track before I decided to end it early because playing online wasn’t working out for our group.

Our VtM campaign was 2 years long, and involved several instances of stories exploding outward, which then often led to whole new nested loops going inward, where realizing what the Real Problem was just created new problems, and investigating those problems sometimes led them to realize that the Real Problem wasn’t even the Real Problem, this all led into something even bigger.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful to read.

My point, I guess, is that the deeper you bury the Real Problem behind mysteries, other problems, and most importantly, a need for greater context, the longer your campaign will be. The more complexity you weave into these loops, the more time your players will need to actually gain a full, holistic understanding of the core challenge in front of them: by which time, they hopefully will have levelled up enough to deal with it.

[laurasocasfinearts]

Studio diary 15/10/20

We're finishing the third week and I still have no palpable work to show.

But I've been doing some research.

I have a couple of main goals to achieve before the en of the semester and a few more long term goals.

*translate some of my illustrations into sculpture.

Rather than going the digital way, I've decided to try clay first. Working with an unfamiliar medium might help me to transcend my fixation with the figurative, and could lead to some interesting results.

I need to wait some more to gather the materials that I need.

*initiate myself into oil painting and try to mix my illustrative style with my painting one.

I'm really upset about how different it is when I paint, rather than when I illustrate, my approach is also completely opposite, and i like both, it's like two different artists living inside me, I hope that by combining them I will be able to find a more unique personal voice.

I usually work with acrylics, as it is a more manageable medium, but I'm rather curious about how different would it look if I work with oils.

I think this might be a rather long learning process, so this as well might be included on the long term goals. I would have to experiment quite a lot, and knowing myself, I won't like many of the things that I will do, but it's worth the try. And I would like to have a few finalized paintings by the end of the semester.

*Make a couple of short animations (gifs) but more fluid than the previous ones.

I'm currently investigating softwares that I could use to do this. I would prefer to do traditional animation.

I previously worked with procreate, as it was what was available, the main problem with it is that it animates the layers ( each layer a time frame) and I need a software that let's me have different layers on each timeframe.

I've been recommended krita as a free program that would allow me to do this basics, although it's not an specialized animation program.

Also Toonz has a free version.

I need to borrow equipment from the store and work remotely from the university computers and do a lot of tecky stuff that I'm not used to.

It would definitely be a challenge.

*make a cool lino-print.

This is rather ambiguous, but I'm still not sure about what to do.

I have some spare 20x10cm aprox* inoleums, and I'm not sure if I should use them as coloured layers, or if I could cut them making a bigger print made of different pieces, a sort of "collage?". I'm still breaking my head about what to do, but I'm really excited about diving into the printing studio.

The main idea is to continue the line of the linoprint that I made during lockdown, and do something that mixes manga illustration with vintage 60’s poster aesthetic.

*Learning 3D modeling software.

This definitely counts as a long term goal, as it has a very long learning curve. All the different softwares are really complex and counterintuitive, and I would have to spend a lot of time to do the basics.

My objective is to spend at least 2 hours a week learning about this.

[egoloss-universalfind]

Still Searching...

I didn't come back here because i lost my ego again. I came back here to pick up the pieces of my past egos that make me a better person.

The ego is the version of myself that has pride and my feelings of importance.

In the grand scheme of things, I know I'm pretty insignificant. I do know that my actions mean very little when I look at the bigger picture. I also understand that my individual actions cause great effects than I think.

It's important for me to stick to the path of genuine enlightenment. I know my destiny is to be independent. But what does that entail? Can I be emotional independent but dependent on others for the support I need to be successful?

I understand it's not about money, yet it controls a lot of my worrying. It makes me question myself and my worth. I know good things are coming my way. Hell, I know good things are here. I'm in a really good place in my life apart from that gnawing negativity that tries so desperately to make me spiral into oblivion.

The negative side is telling me to be logical about my situation. I want so many things and I want to go on so many adventures, but I don't have the money to do it, so it makes me see what maybe I should be spending my time working in a place that's alright, just to make money so I could do the things I want to do but don't have time to do it? That's the confusing thing.

I'm being confusing. Typing this out makes me more confused. I want to be an artist and I know I can make stuff that could be used as passive income. I used to be obsessed with the digital world, but because it's becoming the norm to do NFTs, I'm finding more solace in painting traditionally. I just don't know anymore.

I do know myself. I've spent countless hours trying to learn my astrology, my birth chart, my human design. It all looks like I'm the kind of person that needs to be patient and wait for things to come to me. That if I go forth depending on logical reasoning, then I will be constantly bombarded with setbacks and challenges.

I have to trust my feelings. I keep going no matter what, and trusting my instinct entirely. What does my instinct tell me?

That I love to paint murals. I love to work on animations. The thought of making children's books excites me now as much as bartending excited me then. I just don't feel it anymore. I want to write and design my own children's book. I really do. I just dont know if I have the patience for that right now. I know I just need to start with a script. A story. I small design. I know I can do it.

I'm getting pulled in many different directions. I want to make animations. I want to paint murals. I want to illustrate children's books. I want to travel. I want to make youtube videos. I want to find my style. I want to find myself. I want I want I want. All these desires lock me in a box of my own consciousness and it makes it extremely difficult to be anything. There are so many things that make me happy. All I want to do is to be happy.

I know life isn't secure. I knw the thought of being secure brings me some kind of comfort. But I also know that it's the comfort in insecurity that will make me happy.

I ebb and flo between passions and likes. My chart says I'll be searching until I'm 30 and then I'll somehow figure it out. We'll see.

[altheasposts]

Based on the Multiple Intelligence test, I am more inclined towards introspective learning. I learn through reflecting on my experiences and looking at the bigger picture of things. My top three learning styles are Intrapersonal, Existentialist, and Visual. I am quite introverted so I tend to be intuitive about the things I learn. I am also very curious so I tend to ask a lot of questions. I also like to learn things through eye catching illustrations because I can easily understand the things that are taught to me. Based on the results, Philosophy is a good career choice for me. In contrast, I am not good at analytical learning. The bottom three types of learning styles for me are Logical, Musical, and Naturalist. I am personally not good at solving mathematical equations. And I am also not good at dancing on beat.

My skills are related with music and arts. I like sketching and painting because I can express myself freely. During my childhood, I used to join a choir. I like to sing and perform on stage. But it was really difficult. I had a hard time balancing my studies with singing so I had to quit the choir. Now, this has a become a favorite hobby of mine. I really to sing because it helps me relax when I'm stressed out.

My biggest challenge in life is balancing work and school. After losing my parents, I had to learn how to manage our business. It is difficult because I'm not an expert in business. Slowly, I'm trying my best to learn how things work. I'm really stressed out especially when there is a clash in my schedule at school and my work. Now, I can manage my time better by creating a schedule and notes for the things that I need to do. I also avoid procrastinating because it stops me from being productive.

I'm disappointed with my academic performance. I want to be more active and participative in class. Even though I want to answer but I'm too shy. I'm still adjusting with online class. I also want to improve my grades. I believe that I can do so much better. I should discipline myself to study harder and be focused in class.

I am happy that I was able to get an excellent grade in my Midterm exam. And I am also greatful for my classmates who are kind and helpful. They were always ready to help me with my concern. And the All Psych orientation was really a fun and exciting night. I enjoyed the games and the intermission number. The performances were really great. I am also happy to meet good teachers who taught me valuable lessons that I can apply in my life.

[generousbouquetchopshop-us-blog]

The only thing that we know for certain in life is that all of you reading this right now and myself will DIE. (NOT tonight - I just mean at some point in our lives - this is NOT a terrorist attack - believe me, I do NOT have malicious or evil intentions - well in my opinion at least, but sometimes our perception of ourselves differs to how others perceive us - but does that really matter? All I care about is what I think about myself) Wait, Hang On I Lied. There's one more certainty in life. That you and I are human beings. (Well, I do hope so. After all, I only know who I am. And only you know who you are) Yes I tried my best to think of an engaging first liner to grab your attention. (And if you're still reading this now - it must have worked!) I was just worried with all the 'clutter' and 'competition' out there that you could potentially miss this. And yes that's also why I have the photo of a cute baby. And also because we were all once babies at some point in our lives (well unless you came out another way which is not a certain opening in a female body) And before you amazing security officers out there, Who work super hard to protect your citizens, Even on the weekend (which is meant for rest with family) (and shout out to everyone in Australia who still worked today on Mother's Day -your sacrifice of your treasured time which could have been spent with your Mother (the technical economic term is opportunity cost - in case you were wondering - yes I know you all are secretly nerds) Will never be forgotten) Ok so back to you security officers Think of shutting this down, I assure you that this is NOT a security threat. It is NOT an act of cyber terrorism. 'So what is it then?' - you find yourself thinking (Yes I am a mind reader) Today marks a turning point in the course of mankind. Today marks a day that hope is restored in the world. What you are seeing today will be written in history books for future generations to come. We will make it in a Guinness World Record Book for 1. The most number of people clicking going on a facebook event 2. The most number of people posting on a facebook event page 3. The most number of people sharing the same message across social media I know what you're thinking. Well this girl sounds 'ambitious' Which were common responses I got Well yes, This is 'ambitious' I think so too But 'ambitious' and 'reality' are NOT mutually exclusive (is this the right term? I always struggled with probability in maths) But it's going to happen - keep reading on if you would like to see how history is going to be made :) (But technically, history is being 'made' every single day by each and every one of us just be being alive - even going to the toilet and eliminating waste is technically 'making' history) Every single person in the world will eventually receive my message. (And news outlets out there! Please choose a decent photo of me [ie. not one where my armpit hair is showing] Actually, I don't mind if you can find a photo of me with armpit hair. (Yes - that's a challenge!) (We all have hair - I don't see what's the big deal) (Why would you want to see a photo of me with armpit hair when you can just strip yourself down [yes I put this in just for you - you know who you are xD] and just lift up your arm and VOILA!!! Hair before your very eyes!!!!! ) (I'm actually super hairy In my opinion For a girl) Also, I'm going to keep on ranting about this (again, PMS is a real thing for the female population - have sympathy for us fellas!) Another thing I do not understand is why we must wear clothes And in some places in the world, Such as Australia, We can actually get charged with a criminal offence (and maybe be put in gaol) For stripping down in certain public places (with some exceptions such as nude beaches which are mainly filled with elderly people right now - I reckon we can diversify that a little) And showing our 'private parts' (but are our 'private parts' really even that 'private' after all if we all have them? (well I know it differs between females and males)) but yeah - and some of us have unique bodies - either born naturally or through operations - I respect that - it's your life and you choose how you would like to live it - and which gender you would like to live as and which private parts you would like to have) And in some places like Australia, Myth has it that the bigger something (something in a similar shape to a sausage) is The more masculine a male is Well to me, that's absolutely bullshit I don't know how these 'myths' even originated! All sizes are beautiful to me! Ok, so back to me and armpit hair: I filled in one of my friends' survey about hair and shaving yesterday. Why is shaving a thing anyways? We all have hair on our bodies (well some more than others but we all do) Why is it often socially unacceptable for girls have to have cleanly shaven armpits when they wear sleeveless tops or dresses? And why is often socially acceptable for males to not shave?? Now that is gender discrimination to the max! Why is this NOT written in the Discrimination Act in Australia?? (or maybe it is - I have to admit I haven't read it - and I highly doubt that my fellow Australian peers have either - but apologies! If it is in there!) And on that note of Discrimination, It is so real And close It still happens today in the 21st century!!! Right here in Australia This week, I had the privilege of talking to a beautiful Indigenous lady I've always been curious of Indigenous Australian culture (do you know that Indigenous Australian culture is the oldest surviving culture in the entire world???) WOW Because I certainly didn't know this. If Australia was a person And let's just say I was that person for theoretical purposes I would go around showing that off I would tell everyone I would tell the entire world I would be super proud of that I would make sure the entire world knows (but why doesn't the entire world know?- well maybe it's only me who is oblivious and ignorant and unaware - and maybe all of you do know this - please correct me if I'm wrong) Ok, so yeah. This beautiful Indigenous lady (and I do remember your name - I just want to make sure I respect your privacy before I decide to put your name here for the world to see because there's no way that I have been able to contact you) Said her dream was to become a cook (yes you go girl!) And she applied for a cook job recently. She was called in for an interview. But as soon as she showed up, They told her the position had been filled Now if that isn't discrimination to the max, I don't know what you call that I was super angry when I heard this. Now those of you who know me know that I don't normally get angry It takes quite a bit to get Leeann angry (I give off the impression of being a calm, controlled, sweet, pure and innocent girl) If I was present at the time, I would've taken those café owner(s) to court. And sue you for breaching the Discrimination Act Because the legislation is real and it is properly enforced (well I don't work in the legal field so I actually wouldn't know) But nothing in the world (I believe) cannot be resolved with Honest and open Communication. Just by opening our mouths and making some sounds (I think that's what we call a language), Together, we can solve any problem And we must learn to be accountable And take responsibility for our own actions Like a girl (why do we tend to say man? Are we trying to imply that females are less brave than men? My fellow female population Let's band together and prove them wrong -Trust me boys, you never mess with girls, We will make sure You Rue For The Rest Of Your Life Until The Moment You Die :) [just kidding XD- no I'm not kidding here] Yes, we must take responsibility for our own actions like a girl (I remember seeing a campaign trying to challenge gender stereotypes a couple of years back - that was awesome! I forgot what it was called though but I do remember it so it means it was effective) And I will illustrate this with something we all do -fart. Why do we feel the need to suppress our urges to fart? If you stink up a room with your own smelly gas, Then at least do it proudly! Make it as loud as possible! And admit it was you! And apologise maybe! OR, if that's too scary for you, I have another suggestion which has largely been inspired by one of my close mates (who I'm sure would probably appreciate it if I don't name and shame them - your very welcome in advance =D) This is no magic but You simply tell the person you're talking to or the people around you that you need to fart And head outside To do the deed. Then walk back in. And continue with your life. Easy. See, life isn't at all that complicated is it? (I know! I'm a genius!!!) Prior to my launch tonight, I shared my initiative 'Die To Live' with some fellow peers. I had many people who doubted me. But I also had many people who had absolute faith. Now, I don't blame those of you who I spoke to and doubted me. If someone told me that at Sunday 9pm on the 13th of May, 2018, Hope will be restored in the world, That the world will be changed And that it will be a major event in history, I will look at them And think they're nuts! (And no, in case you were wondering, I don't mean the pecan nut, macadamia nut, or peanut) And some of these people also looked like they wanted to lock me up in a mental health hospital. But what does it even mean to be 'mentally ill?' Am I considered 'crazy' just because I have different opinions that nobody else seems to have? Does that make me 'mentally ill?' (Correct me if I'm wrong, but in my humble opinion, that just means I'm a human being) While we're on the topic of 'mental illness,' Check out the School of Life and one of their recent videos Called something along the lines of - why the modern society makes us mentally ill I watched it over breakfast yesterday and could not agree more (i promise that this is not paid advertising/product placement or whatever we choose to call it) Because it's so good that I voluntarily choose to 'advertise' for them The School of Life does not need any paid marketing (yes you girls are awesome!) But at the same time, Yes, I get you. I wouldn't believe it either Until I see it unfold Before my very eyes Myself. But I certainty would not lock someone with different thoughts to mine in a mental health hospital, away from the rest of society. I would simply respect their opinion, try to understand and empathise from their point of view and then move on with my life. And I also had one special 'case.' You know who you are. You're the person I bumped into and didn't think I was 'insane' but instead thought I was plotting to commit suicide at 9pm Sunday May 13th and then upload 13 videos onto Facebook with each video incriminating a different person who lead me to end my life. -Just like the TV series - 13 reasons why Oh you funny!! (but I'm even funnier xD) But you had faith in me and that's all that matters :D Life is NOT a Television series!!! (For those of you who don't know what a TV is - it is essentially a virtual reality -trust me though, it's nothing special - and you're not missing out - because you're living your own reality instead - and I believe that is infinite times cooler than watching someone else's) But what I don't understand is why some of you who doubted me had absolute faith in science. (I'm not throwing shade here [or am I? - well too bad too sad because you'll never know what goes through my mind] but Shout out to that person I had an extremely heated intense friendly 2 hour banter sesh about science and religion a couple of days ago) Those words you used cut me But I forgive you Because I know you didn't mean it Because, in my humble opinion, science is a belief system in itself based off faith. For example, most of us in today's era believe that the Earth is round. And this is 'proven' to us through science. But until I personally travel up into space and view the Earth from a distance with my own very eyes, I refuse to believe this as an absolute 'truth.' (but even then, I may not even trust my own eyes - they could be lying to me - I could just be hallucinating) We often like to think we are 100% certain of many things in our everyday lives. Perhaps uncertainty makes us feel uneasy. In my opinion, we dislike uncertainty. Which is why we try to structure our lives and lock ourselves in some kind of routine to try and eliminate uncertainty (but this is simply NOT possible in my opinion - the only certainty in life is death - but even that's not even certain) Who said we should eat 3 meals a day - Breakfast Lunch And Dinner (for those of you who don't know what I'm rambling on about - because I'm aware you may or may not have ever eaten a proper meal (yet) - they're just names some of us use to tell ourselves when we should eat) Wouldn't hunger be a better indicator of when to eat instead of locked in time periods? And who said that we should aim for 5 serves of vegetables and 2 serves of fruit per day or something along those lines? (Yes it's a rhetorical question - I know who - 'official' nutritional guidelines or something I think) Because for me, if I know that the only certainty in life is death I would rather eat what I want to eat If I enjoy the taste of it But at the same time, it is all about the 'balance' (as Katherine Du likes to say) (there will be more on food and eating in the second part of my 'story' -I'm not going to tell you all of it now -just to make sure you keep reading heeeheheheee) And who decided that humans should sleep once a day? And it has to be at nighttime? And who came up with the guidelines that children need about 9-10 hours of sleep per night And that adults need about 6-8 hours per night? (Yes I know - it is scientifically 'proven' - but how did you scientists come up with these numbers? In saying this, I have the most utmost respect for you scientists -I'm just curious -it's hard work working in labs -I have some mates studying science/medicine and they tell me about their 4 hour lab sessions When I heard this, I was angry Because That's torture! Abuse of human rights!! Because I get hungry every 2-3 hours!!!) Wouldn't sleepiness and fatigue be more appropriate signals of when to sleep? Mum, I know you will read this. I did tell you that your friend's daughters will probably read my 'story' first Then tell their parents Then they will call you up And tell you to read this. (I wasn't at all wrong about that was I?) I have to main things I would like to say to you mummy: 1. Happy mother's day! 2. I love you Remember two nights ago when I got home and slept at 7pm Without eating dinner? And you were upset the next morning that I didn't eat your food? I apologise again if I hurt you, But I feel like it was not that necessary to 'lash out at me' when I asked (just innocently out of curiosity): Who decided that humans should eat 3 meals a day? OK so back to the science and religion 'friendly banter' I had Once again, the only certainty in life is death. (and I will repeat this numerous times throughout my 'story' just to annoy you - <3 - I challenge you to count how many times I mention that - and maybe there will be a prize for the person who gets the right number or gets closest to the right number! - just like those jelly bean in a jar guessing competitions! - just kidding - I'm not serious on this one - I can't be bothered to count myself - I have bigger fish to fry ;)) People thousands of years back were 100% certain that the Earth was flat. But they were somehow 'proven' to be 'wrong'. Now we (or just me) are 100% certain that the Earth is round. So in my humble opinion, we can only 'disprove' things but never 'prove' things. We merely get less 'wrong' each time round (Manson, 2016) But we are never 100% 'right.' Anything is possible. (Well maybe besides eternal life beyond Earth - but even that is not 100% impossible) So, an anonymous person who wishes not to be named recently brought to my attention how Fast the world is changing around us. For example, Facebook was invented in 2004 - it's only been 14 years - but I seem to hardly remember any parts of my life without Facebook in it) Wikipedia was launched in 2001 (and I didn't get this one from Wikipedia) (I don't know how I wouldn't 'survived' all those assignments without you! Thank you Jimmy Wales and Larry Sanger! And bless all you other inventors out there who invented something useful to humanity! Again, bless you all who believed me without needing to see it happen. You know who you are. I will never forget how you made me feel. There is nothing that fuels the human spirit like faith. (unless it's more alcohol) Complete And Utter Faith. Even my mother who raised me for 19 years and whom I crawled out of her (something - let's just say body) Doubted me. Yet some of you had utter and complete faith in me within minutes of talking to you for the very first time. And I reiterate again (mum, I'm not throwing shade at you here) If I had a daughter and she told me she's on a quest to change the world this Sunday at 9pm on Mother's Day, I (I don't know what I would do but I would probably not believe her) So….back to how Every single person in the world will eventually receive my message. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'read' because I am also aware that language translation will be needed. TIP: Try copy and pasting this into google translate! (man technology does wonders!!!) And also because not all of us are blessed to be taught how to read. As to why I chose to use English, It's because it just happens to be the language I'm most fluent in. And also because, for some reason, English also happens to be the 'universal' language used across the world. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'see' because I am aware that not all of us are blessed with the ability to see. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'listen' because I am aware that not all of us are blessed with the ability to hear. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'smell' because I am aware that not all of us are blessed with the ability to smell. (this doesn't really have anything to do with what I'm saying today because in my humble opinion, I don't think we can smell a story??? - well feel free to prove me wrong - nothing is certain in life besides death. TBH (to be honest), I just wanted repetition for a couple of lines because I learnt in high school English, that it will help deliver my message across) And I also say 'eventually' because not everyone in the world as it currently stands has even seen what 'technology' looks like, let alone have access to social media. That’s why I'm relying on YOU all to translate my message and communicate it to these fellow peers. I'm just one person. And I need your help. I can't do this alone (but I will if I have to -but ideally not!) So you find yourself still thinking…. 'Ok, I still have no idea what this post is about.' (Yes I am actually a mind reader) Apologies! I'm only human and I'm flawed and I do occasionally get just a little side-tracked and distracted. You're life has value. You were born for a reason. And I will prove it to you. (Yes - I remember whispering this in one beautiful human's ear a couple of days ago. This beautiful human was so selfless and looked out for me when I was not in the best state of self (this hero walked into the female toilets since I was chundering and got kicked out of security guards as a result) (this hero was prepared to take me home on a 1.5 bus ride at like 11pm at night towards a direction which was completely opposite to where he/she lived) (and this hero probably got some of my churned up mix of food and alcohol on them too - soz) (and I apologise again for that other beautiful human who I chundered on their hand -soz not soz - HAHAHA -I do mean it when I say that (now you're probably wondering which part I'm referring to [well you'll never know! Heheee - <3] ) And thank you to you too! You know who you are! I love our long-as text message chats! And that card you wrote me for my 18th last year -those words really touched me Even though we meet up like once (ok I may be using hyperbole here - I'll say twice) a year, You mean the world to me To me, friendships and relationships in general are much more than hanging out in real life, To me, friendships and relationships are more about having that emotional/spiritual connection with another human being To me, friendships and relationships are not defined by physical presence (although I do believe hanging out in real life is nice too - but life sometimes takes us in different directions - and that is not always possible) You may love another person dearly, but that doesn't mean you necessarily have to be together with a physical presence. 'True' love, in my opinion, is when you genuinely want the best for the other person And being genuinely happy to see them happy Yes that night at Metro Theatre in the city, I got kicked out by security guards within 30 minutes of going inside for a combined university event. I think (and you never trust a drunk person's memory) I had about 11 shots of straight vodka that night (looking back, that was not the best idea) Those security guards who kicked us out were not the nicest people. I know that Deep Deep Deep Deep Deep Down That you guys are beautiful people - just please bring it to the surface and show it to the world You could've been a lot more nicer. After I got kicked out and as I was walking towards Maccas (yas I love you maccas - happy meals were my childhood - why are soft serves $0.75 now? They used to only be $0.30! Inflation is a real thing! That's why I love economics! - I'm expecting a massive surge in economics students both at high school and university heheehee - economics teachers and lecturers - you are very welcome XD) In my drunken and semi-conscious state, I remember vaguely rambling on saying things like Why are people like this? Why are people so mean? Why is the world like this? And probably also crying my chunder out at the same time I was always that good straight A studious nerdy student who always did my homework on time and listened to the teacher in class. I waited till I was 18 until I had my first legal drink. (well I did occasionally have some sips of wine at home over dinner but nothing substantial until I turned 18 -unlike most Asian dads, My dad encouraged me to drink at home - he was more than happy! - you're cool dad xD - just wanted to let you know that) I was at a university first years camp when I had my first drink. I remember feeling sad because the alcohol was way too diluted -and I was too 'heavy-weight' -and I couldn't physically drink that much fluid to feel drunk because I was too full Looking back, I was probably drunk and was probably on the verge of my limit But I didn't know because I've never felt what it was like to be 'drunk' Then about a month and a half later, I went to one of my mate's surprise 18th I wanted to 'test' my 'limit' I drank as many different types of alcohol I could get my hands on Rum Vodka Soju Gin White wine Red wine Whiskey Tequila You Name It (well probs besides Maotai which is $$$$ - and we were all young dumb and broke uni students - yes Khalid I love you) And you can probably guess How my night turned out My face was in the bathroom sink for about 3 hours (well it felt like 10 minutes to me but I've realised my perception is super distorted while under the influence) Thank you to those who accompanied me for the entirety or a part of those 3 hours - I'm sure it didn't make it onto the best nights of your life list I remember feeling so ashamed after. I could not stop thinking about it for at least 3 weeks. My reputation! Like most people who chunder for the first time, I vowed that It Wouldn't Happen Again. (deep inside I knew it would because I just wasn't happy and I knew I would turn to more alcohol to distract myself from that constant emptiness but I didn't see another alternative back then) But my brother and mates weren't at all that 'wrong' when they said something along the lines of That's what they all say. Within a couple of weeks (or months - if that detail matters), I Unsurprisingly Chundered Again. And then I repeated what I said previously. And I got the same responses as I did before (kind of like déjà vu) And then the cycle kept repeating itself so many times that I lost count of how many times I chundered Because I stopped caring My 'reputation' was damaged beyond repair anyways And I was happy with the new me (the person who started to care less about what others thought of me) I was always that super good girl who was sweet, nice and 'innocent' (whatever that means) But what does it even mean to be 'innocent?' What's the definition? A lot of my friends had often commented that when they first met me I seemed like an innocent girl then they realised they were 'wrong' like super 'wrong' - completely off Does the fact that I love alcohol And the fact that I've chundered more times than I remember And the fact that I like to squeal at high pitches to the point it may cause long term ear damage (apologies to those people who I have damaged your hearing permanently) And the fact that I really enjoy raves And love waking up to hardstyle music every morning And chucking a phat (someone please explain to me why it's spelt with a 'ph' - I tried googling but I never found an answer - I guess you can't find all the answers to life's problems on google) Muzz To start my day Make me any less 'innocent'? OK so back to that night I got kicked out of Metro Theatre. It was that night when I realised you beautiful humans had my back. And I will forever have yours too. You are all beautiful. And I still remember that night like it was tonight. And I will never forget it. It is around 9pm here where I am in Sydney, Australia right now. There are approximately 7.6 billion people in this world (rounded to 1 decimal place and 2 significant figures - or 'sig figs' - I'm not talking about the dried fruit here) (according to the World Population Clock at 12:18pm yesterday - Sydney time) I may just be one girl. But one girl can change the world. If you don't believe me, I will prove it to you. (200% guarantee Just take a screenshot of this message When you visit me in gaol/jail [depending on where you live in the world] Effective for one year within today HAHAHA in case you haven't realised already, I'm only kidding) Why must we rely on legal systems and laws to protect ourselves from lies? Why can't we rely on trust instead? I realise that it's probably impractical to scrap our legal systems together -but I do reckon mixing a bit of 'trust' into the mixture won't hurt And I am aware that I live in a hole (not literally) I have lived in Sydney, Australia for most of my life Which I know is not representative of the entire world. Some of the things I talk about may make absolutely no sense to you. But I only humbly ask that you take a moment to understand what some of your fellow peers on the other side of the globe go through on a daily basis or have experienced Even if it is super foreign to you. (If you check up on the news on a regular basis, This should be no different I guess But probs maybe just a bit more 'spicy' and realistic) I'm sure you would like to same favour (or should I say flavour HAHHAH - gosh I'm so funny!) to be returned to you. Can I count on you guys (and the entire female population - I don't know why it's normal to say 'guys' for both genders) to have a read of what I have to say first And try not to act on any prejudice or judgement Before you decide to shut it down? Yeah, sorry, I got a little side-tracked again So… The only thing that we know for certain in life is that all of you reading this right now and myself will DIE. So what is the point of staying alive now if it's all going to come to an end? Why are we living to die instead of dying to live? All of us have a mother. (assuming you are all humans like me and started with 'something' that happened between a male and female) I love my mum. Without my mum I wouldn't be here tonight. Without my mum I wouldn't have the opportunity to connect with you tonight. Without my mum you wouldn't be reading this tonight. In Sydney, Australia, Today is Mother's Day. And it's no coincidence that I've chosen this day to connect with you. This is because today we show our appreciation for the beautiful and incredible woman who brought us into this world, whether she is here with you or not today. Today, we show our appreciation to the woman who sucked up the discomfort of having a massive bulge sticking out of her belly for 9 months. Today, we show our appreciation to the woman who suffered physical pain and bleed from childbirth. I don't think there can be any other pain greater than the pain of childbirth (well I haven't given birth so I guess I'm not qualified to say so) (Yes the cute baby photo was specifically chosen to capture your attention) Today, we show our appreciation to the woman who blessed us with a life full of opportunity. Mother's Day is today, in Australia. Why are we on social media? And I am no hypocrite here. Why am I myself on social media tonight? Why have we felt the need to create a 'Day' for all our 'Mothers' out there? Is it because, without a 'Mother's Day,' we will forget to love our 'Mothers'? Shouldn't our mothers be appreciated every single day? (Same for all the 'Father's' out there!!! I love you Dad) In the past, all I did for Mother's Day was go to the shops and buy a box of chocolates or some flowers or whatever was on "Mother's Day Sale." But I've realised there are many things that Money Cannot Buy. (feel free to prove me wrong here) There are many things that cannot be Bought And Sold Based on demand and supply on a Market (Yes I love economics!!!) Love. Time. Purpose. Faith. Hope. Life. The List Goes On And On . . . In my humble opinion, I feel like some meaningful celebrations have been overly commercialised in some 'developed' countries. I feel like Christmas Day is more about buying presents and decorating the Christmas tree. I feel like Easter Day is about eating chocolate shaped in an oval egg shape (or bunny or whatever fancy shape chocolate is moulded into to make it more appealing to buy and eat and make it seem different but at the end of the day it's just chocolate - well maybe different in the sense that it has differing percentages of cocoa content - I'm personally a big fan of dark chocolate! - I reckon 70% is just 'perfect' - well just 'right' - because nothing is 'perfect' but also nothing is 'right' - so yeah, I just contradicted what I just said). I feel like ANZAC Day is more about eating ANZAC cookies and buying things with the Australian flag printed on it. And I feel like Chinese New Year is more about receiving free money from relatives (as long as you are unmarried). Now, I'm not suggesting that you should all divorce or remain single for life and go become Chinese. I'm just telling you about my 'blood nationality' and our culture. Also, while we're on the topic of marriage, I am not at all against marriage (I think marriage is wonderful and Western white wedding dresses are super beautiful on brides), in my humble opinion, I don't really understand the point of marriage? To me, Love is about remaining loyal both physically and emotionally to another human of our own choosing (in my opinion, regardless of gender). Personally, I don't see the need to have my 'love' with another human solidified by the legal system under a notion called 'marriage.' I believe if we truly 'love' another person, We should be able to trust them to remain loyal (both emotionally and physically) to us without protection under the legal system And live together happily ever after (Yes I'm a big dreamer and lover of Disney and I believe in happily ever after fairytale endings with my Prince HEEEHEHEE) And, while we're on the topic of Princes and Princesses and fairytale endings, (I know we all love a good romance on such a dark, romantic night here in Australia and most stories told through mediums such as books and movies tend to have at least a touch of love in them And some have a bigger focus than others *Cough* *Cough* Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet) One of my favourite TV shows (back in the day I still used to watch TV) was the Bachelor/Bachelorette <3 But now I prefer to live in my own reality TV show instead of watching another's on an electronic screen To my Prince out there, (yes you know who you are) Who wishes not to be named (and shamed - hahah just kidding - Well, hopefully you don't find what I'm about to say to be too embarrassing) The way I fundamentally feel towards you has not changed one bit And I'm not talking about hate here (jokes! I lied! I actually feel even stronger towards you now <3) And gosh, No other human on Earth has ever made me cry as many times as you have. No one can compete with how many rivers on Earth I've filled with my salty tears. (everyone else reading this, please don't try to break the Guinness World Record here - I reckon I've had my fair share of tears and breakdowns) And I meant it when I said nobody has ever made me feel this way. (or something like I've never felt this way towards somebody - or the other way around - well I guess that's not important) (and well I guess it does make sense that everybody feels differently towards each person because they're different people) -that paragraph was very coherent - I know I've already told you this directly but repetition surely doesn't hurt! Thank you for always considering what is best for me in everything you've done. (Well I hope that's what you've been doing - only you know what's going inside that interesting head of yours) Thank you for teaching me the importance of honest and open communication. I would never forget that night when you asked me out in the most romantic location one could possibly think of. (Solid memz) (And great place IF we have any future anniversaries) Thank you for all the 'fun' experiences we've shared together (Yes you know which one I'm referring to in particular ;)) I hope we have many more nights just like that (well maybe just a bit more) You're a Tim Tam Because You're Simply Irresistible And you know which Guinness World Record of mine (or personal best) I would like to break ;) (please don't go finding another planet to live on to get away from me) And I love how we always go 'hunting' for the same places when we're out and about in public ;))))) I also would like to say that I miss you. A lot. <3 (AWWWWW) And I've been thinking about you A lot. (AWWWW) And Just like how I've previously never envisioned a life without a uni degree till this Monday, I've never been able to envision a life without you in it (and I probably won't be able to - but nothing is certain besides death - so I could be wrong I guess) I was never quite a full believer in soul mates Until I met you There was always a 'mystical' feeling I felt around you. I never understood what it was Until now I thought it was just 'lust' Or you were just secretly a 'fuckboi' (whatever that means) But I realised it was much more than that. OK, that's the last (massive) chunk of cheese I'm feeding you guys (for tonight). And I'm sure the rest of you have eaten enough cheese for the day. And I don't want to make you puke tonight. Because that's not my job -That's the job of your significant other <3 I don't know what you were expecting when I messaged you yesterday asking for your permission to have your first name in my 'story.' Well, since you said no, I assume you probably weren't expecting this. (man I had some great jokes I wanted to crack with your first name - GRRRRR) But again, as I have already told you, In this life, If we would like to have a nice and healthy relationship, We must accept the fact that we have the right to both reject and be rejected by others. And others hurt us but we also hurt others. That's just part of life. So, I respect your decision. I had to get that off my chest. Because now, When I'm on my deathbed, I don't have to be wondering what could've been had I chosen to tell you. Instead, When I'm on my deathbed, I can spend my last hours reflecting on what a wonderful life it's been Surrounded by my family and closest friends. Now, I've done everything I possibly could within my control. Now, it's all on you now. And please respect how it's a private matter between us two from now on. Your own love lives are much more interesting than mine. Trust me. Why would you want to see how someone else's story ends (or starts) when you can be writing your own 'story?' So go out there and tell that person you've been wanting to tell how you feel how you've felt all along! Be a girl! Growing up, it was always drilled into me that guys should be the ones chasing girls and girls should not chase guys. And that girls should play 'hard to get' Wouldn't life be so much simpler if you start feeling like you like someone, To say something along the lines of: "Hey. I like you. Do you feel the same way?" Then it can either only go one or two ways (Well we all hope it goes one particular way) And then you can move on happily with life and find someone else who also feels the same way and live happily ever after (well unless you're super unlucky and get a fence sitter And apologies, if that's the case, I don't have any further advice for you - you're on your own then xD) I used to think that expressing my emotions was a sign of weakness. I was 'wrong' (whatever it means to be 'wrong' or 'right') But I've realised it actually takes a lot of courage. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone that you feel hurt by something they've done. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone that you love them. But, in my opinion, by telling others how we feel, It actually liberates us. It allows us to make amends Instead of letting resentment build And then exploding later Like our own internal Big Bang Because in my Theory (I guess you can call it the Big Bang Theory), believe me, in my experience, I have exploded many times (not literally) By letting my resentment build (under the influence [heavy] of alcohol) If you don't believe me, Believe Bronnie Ware!! For those of you who don't know Bronnie, She worked as a palliative nurse for 8 years looking after people in their final days alive. And she writes in her book "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying," That one of the top 5 regrets she heard from people with limited time on Earth was that they wished they had the courage to express their own emotions. I used to put on a face and act like something that really hurt me didn't affect me at all. I don't understand why I aspired to be a 'psychopath.' Because a key characteristic of a 'psychopath' is that they feel no emotions. Our ability to feel emotions, whether that be: Happiness Disappointment Joy Anger Resentment Love Is what makes us human. Why do we attempt to 'dehumanise' ourselves? So back to marriage…. Again, I am not against marriage. Well, even if I am, why should you care? It's your life and you choose and how you would like to live it. And believe me, in my humble opinion, life is too short for you to spend a couple of minutes writing a nasty comment trying to convince me of the importance of marriage. (Well if you decide to do so, I'm absolutely honoured! because it means I'm super important to you because you care a lot about what I think) But for me personally, I would just like to wear a nice white pretty long wedding dress for fun and take some photos around my closest family and friends Anyways, got a little side tracked again. Back to the topic: I know that many of us struggle or have struggled to find meaning in life. I'm one of them. And I'll be sharing my story with you. I know if I don't wake up tomorrow, I can Rest In Peace. Apologies, if I have generalised or made false assumptions in parts of my 'story' by using words like "We." I know that there is no other certainty besides death. But sometimes, it is 'easier' to do so to illustrate a point I'm trying to make. I hope you understand. If you don't like what I have to say, you can either (Mark Manson): 1. Do nothing OR 2. Do something I value all opinions and perspectives. I only ask that you do so in a courteous and respectful manner. Growing up, my dad was always the logical one and less of a 'dreamer' than I was. I tried having D&M (Deep and Meaningful conversations) with my Dad but they never turned out the way I hoped. 'Dad, what do you think the meaning of life is?' 'There's no meaning. You live. You die. That's it.' Wow! So optimistic Dad!! I love you Dad! Growing up, you also 'tried' (and I use the word 'tried' because you weren't that successful in doing so) to drill into me that it was a waste of time and energy to 'care too much' about the world Because you said there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to accept life the way it is. Well, back to Mark Manson's two options, You can probably guess which path I decided to take (and it wasn't to accept it I Refuse to accept the world as it is) To all my fellow peers out there, If I have offended you, please let me know. I am not perfect. I don't try to be perfect. And I don't need to be perfect. And as much effort as I've put it and how hard I've tried to minimise resentment and offense, (Just like how I'm trying to be at the minimum point on the parabola And at the maximum point on the parabola with my impact) I'm only human. And so are you. And to further illustrate my point that nothing in this world is 'perfect' (apologies if this sounds like an essay), My 'story' is not fully edited. I've ran through it once - made some changes and this is what you're reading now. There are errors. There are bits repeated. There are bits that make no sense whatsoever. This is to further highlight my belief that nothing in the world is 'perfect' (or the real reason could just be that I'm lazy and cbbs editing it) LOL DISCLAIMER: I do not accept any legal responsibility for any tears shed Or any laughs shared Or any puke vomited from cheese overload in the process of reading my 'story.' (Oh and in case you haven't realised already It's also R rated And if you don't know what that means Adults only!! - just kidding, anyone can read my 'story') I reckon that our mental state would be a better measure of our 'real age' Because our age is just a 1, 2 (or 3) (or 4) (or more) digit number which doesn't indicate anything about our 'maturity' level (whatever that means) nor our 'wisdom' (whatever that means) You are reading at your own risk. Remember It's YOUR own life. And YOU choose how to live it. (Please show appreciation for the fact that I've been nice and have made this disclaimer at a font size that you can actually see) [Tip: Get a box of tissues ready (don’t worry if you don’t know what tissues are - they just help absorb our tears) You can live without them! Actually we can live without a lot of things If my house was on fire, i know what i would choose to take - nothing at all - nothing but myself and my family - I slept in a room with nothing [not literally] but a mattress laid on top of the carpet on the floor with a blanket, pillow, oxygen, walls, life and I was clothed too] And in case you were wondering, I didn't choose to do that for fun. My house was under renovations for a couple of weeks (we repainted the entire house and changed the entire carpet) And during those two weeks, I felt like I was 'homeless' I can't imagine what it's like to actually be sleeping out in the open on the streets Or being a refugee I felt like I was being kicked out of my own dwelling and I didn't belong - I felt lost and very uncomfortable OK, so here's my 'story'. https://leeannchn.wixsite.com/dietolive/single-post/2018/05/13/Lets-Not-Live-To-Die-but-Die-To-Live